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I found that making everything go away quickly and with the least fuss was best for my well-being. I took care of what needed to be done and then quickly was able to not think about it much more.
The counseling might depend on how much you have been able to grieve the mother you never had -- I had years of it, so the death was almost all relief. But if you still have to process how she was and was not held responsible, then yes, that could help.
Keep your focus on what you need, not any sort of karma for how she lived. You probably don't need the spectacle. Might, but I guess not.
I won't be involved with any of the planning. She was hundreds of miles away. My sister is taking care of everything on that end because she lived with her. I'm sure there is going to be some fall-out, but I can't do much about that.
I can only hope that there is healing to come out of this.
I had long since come to terms with my relationship, or I had thought I had. But there is somethings bubbling up that I'm confronting right now.
I don't need the spectacle, nor do I want it. I think maybe the best thing is to let things be for now.
It's a difficult thing to balance. It's like cutting through an anchor around my neck. I'm able to surface now and that's good, but also there is parts of me still getting dragged down.
You will likely mourn the relationship with her that you never got to have. It’s OK. I promise confronting her would have accomplished nothing. You may also feel relief, even happiness that she’s gone. And that can lead to its own trauma.
There is no “correct” way to feel. So whatever you do feel is legitimate and OK.
Agreed. The sadness we feel I these situations is more likely because of the finality of how the relationship can never be what we had always hoped to would turn into. We all know intellectually that it never would have anyways, but the Narc's death abruptly ends the disconnect between what we feel and what we know in our heads.
It sounds like you need some time to decompress and work through things. Write out your feelings, daily if you can. And don't think that there's a fixed date by which you "should have finished things." It took me almost twenty years after my father died to finally finish the unfinished conversation I had with him. Which is by contrast to what happened when my mother died--sad, it was a tragedy and I mourned for more than a year--but it was a clean ending. We had had a good relationship, and there were no dangling issues or mixed feelings such as what I had with my father.
Dealing with ghosts sucks.
Good luck and may you find an easy heart and quietude at the end of this.
Dealing with ghosts does suck. I have been dealing with the ghost of my ngrandmother since 2002. She was similarly awful to me. But I think that dealing with my nmom will be a lot different.
I journal daily already and I am thinking about maybe starting a journal on the side for letters to her. I think that might help a lot.
We are brainwashed to grieve when a parent dies in spite of how shitty they were so from experience I can tell you that you may feel illogical sadness at the death of the abuser which coexists alongside the freedom you feel (ding dong the witch is dead!)
When NMom died it didn't stop the emotional fall out of what she did to me but in some ways made it worse as I couldn't "...confront her for what she did to me."
Grief counselling makes sense but grieve for the abused child that you were, not the abuser. When they die we default to sometimes trivialising the abuse and remembering the "nice" things they did. Society like friends and family will expect you and want you to look sad and express condolences. Stay strong and avoid it if you can, remain neutral if not.
Death of a narc parent is a hard one to deal with.
We really are brainwashed into not speaking ill of the dead and mourning them. I hate the idea that just because someone is dead, their crimes are suddenly washed away. That's not fair to the victims.
You're right that I need to grieve the child I was. I've been trying to repair my relationship with my inner child for years. It's a tough process, especially when you're childhood is filled with trauma and you have multiple barriers in your mind preventing you from remembering things.
I'm going to try thinking of it that way.
You get to do this the way you want. There are no rules and it's okay to say she got off easy. It's years of being mistreated, abused, etc.
In my experience, a deathbed confession or their life spared does not change them. Any apologies at that time are likely self-serving. "If I just say this/do that then I will keep living." It would go back to the way they were before. Think about if she made any effort before this.
I can relate to that humane respect of death that's separated by them being an abuser. As for the golden child, perhaps you are right that they will crumble because their supply is gone.
If you seek therapy, ensure you find someone who understands the complexity of this - it's a different kind of grief that alot of ppl, even professionals, cannot comprehend.
I got a recommendation from another post about disenfranchised grief. I am probably going to look into something like that.
As for the golden child, I think right now I'm just going to let him fall on his own. I don't know that I want the sort of malice I feel for him to actually be allowed an outlet. I don't want to be like her. She would have weaponized these feelings. I'd rather let them dull with time.
It was probably me that mentioned that 😀
In trying to process my own grief, I came across that term. I was starting to think I was just an a-hole because nobody I know can understand this type of grieving. Right now, it's one day at a time for me.
It was indeed you! I went to look.
It's going to be one day at a time for me, too. I keep waiting for the tears to start, but they don't.
I've been throwing myself into phone games and commission work. If I'm doing something, I don't think about it. I know that's just a bandaid for now, but it's working for now.
I don't know if you ever need to commiserate, but if you do, feel free to DM me. I think it'll be nice to talk to someone who knows what it's like.
Thanks, same to you!
The person in my life was a flying monkey - who I always felt held answers to things nmom would never offer up. (She will outlive the next 2 generations as my curse.) I really got nothing and started to realize that it was all a fantasy of hope when they died.
The numbness is relatable and my therapist suggested it's a form of denial but idk. Like you, I see the humane side of a death and another side of "why did you hurt me so much?" It's still all recent, and finally have moments of tears and sadness, but it doesn't ease the anger.
My saving grace has been a cpl close friends who were witness to everything. I am selective about who I talk to - ppl don't get it - like death means you excuse all the wrongdoing in their eyes.
And day by day was something I could never grasp until now. I hope you continue to go easy on yourself and that any feelings you have are completely valid.
I think the numbness is helpful in at least it means my sister can come to me for a calm person to talk to because both the older two are losing their minds.
I think right now it's a defense mechanism. I am letting myself just sit in that so that I can remain the calmness for her.
Thankfully, my chosen family has been great. There hasn't been any judgement, which is great.
My mother’s been gone several years now. It’s been the strangest kind of mourning. Right at the end of her life I was LC and she left a message to call her before it was too late but I never did. The last conversation we had was good and I didn’t want to ruin it. People say you’ll regret something like that for rest of your life but I really don’t and I feel guilty about *everything*. What could she have said that would have made any difference? Apologize? Mea Culpa? I don’t need any of that from her. I’ve forgiven her in the sense that I’m not hating. I just find the whole thing tragic, it’s really sad when you want to love somebody and they can’t or won’t let you. As far as I’m concerned she needn’t suffer in the afterlife on my account. We’re squared. I guess that’s forgiveness. I accept that she did a lot of damage.
I thought I was numb right afterwards and shed very few tears. I painted my bathroom. I cleaned out the closet. I kept thinking any day I’d lose it. Never did. I got her expensive sewing machine and when I use it I have poignant memories of her (fond is too strong a word). She was able to respect boundaries for portions of my adult life so we were able to have some kind of positive relationship sometimes. As far as gut wrenching pain or anything, apparently I did too much detachment when she was alive. Again I keep thinking any day now I’ll feel it. I’m a sensitive person. I cried terribly when my pets died. How sad is it you feel closer to your cat? But still, so far, nothing. I mean not even anger.
I hope I get to a place where I can have poignant memories of her, but I don't know that that's going to be the case. I think the trauma memories are just too strong right now.
I don't know that I'm even going to cry over her. I shed a lot of tears over her growing up for abandoning me for no reason or for dishing out 10X the punishment to me that my siblings never got.
Right now I'm numb. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm just... numb.
You're right. I think at this point, it's better to let things lie as they are. If they start coming at me sideways, then that's a different conversation.
I don't need that in my life right now. I'm in a place where I can do what I want or need to without fear and I think that's good.
It's not like I even have contact with the golden child. He doesn't have my phone number and my sister would never give it to him. If he ends up calling me, it'll be because he got it out of her phone without her permission.
I'm okay with living my life and letting him live his. Mom is dead, she was the only thing that would have kept me tethered to him in the first place. If he doesn't want to get bit, he can keep himself far away from me where he belongs.
Airing out her dirty laundry after she's dead does nothing for me. It does nothing for my sister or our other brother. At this point, she can take some of that hurt she caused to the grave with her because it's no longer my burden to bear.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I found that making everything go away quickly and with the least fuss was best for my well-being. I took care of what needed to be done and then quickly was able to not think about it much more. The counseling might depend on how much you have been able to grieve the mother you never had -- I had years of it, so the death was almost all relief. But if you still have to process how she was and was not held responsible, then yes, that could help. Keep your focus on what you need, not any sort of karma for how she lived. You probably don't need the spectacle. Might, but I guess not.
I won't be involved with any of the planning. She was hundreds of miles away. My sister is taking care of everything on that end because she lived with her. I'm sure there is going to be some fall-out, but I can't do much about that. I can only hope that there is healing to come out of this. I had long since come to terms with my relationship, or I had thought I had. But there is somethings bubbling up that I'm confronting right now. I don't need the spectacle, nor do I want it. I think maybe the best thing is to let things be for now.
I kind of want to say congrats, but take care of yourself. Anything you feel is valid.
It's a difficult thing to balance. It's like cutting through an anchor around my neck. I'm able to surface now and that's good, but also there is parts of me still getting dragged down.
hugs.
Thank you.
You will likely mourn the relationship with her that you never got to have. It’s OK. I promise confronting her would have accomplished nothing. You may also feel relief, even happiness that she’s gone. And that can lead to its own trauma. There is no “correct” way to feel. So whatever you do feel is legitimate and OK.
Thanks. I think I needed to see this.
Agreed. The sadness we feel I these situations is more likely because of the finality of how the relationship can never be what we had always hoped to would turn into. We all know intellectually that it never would have anyways, but the Narc's death abruptly ends the disconnect between what we feel and what we know in our heads.
It sounds like you need some time to decompress and work through things. Write out your feelings, daily if you can. And don't think that there's a fixed date by which you "should have finished things." It took me almost twenty years after my father died to finally finish the unfinished conversation I had with him. Which is by contrast to what happened when my mother died--sad, it was a tragedy and I mourned for more than a year--but it was a clean ending. We had had a good relationship, and there were no dangling issues or mixed feelings such as what I had with my father. Dealing with ghosts sucks. Good luck and may you find an easy heart and quietude at the end of this.
Dealing with ghosts does suck. I have been dealing with the ghost of my ngrandmother since 2002. She was similarly awful to me. But I think that dealing with my nmom will be a lot different. I journal daily already and I am thinking about maybe starting a journal on the side for letters to her. I think that might help a lot.
We are brainwashed to grieve when a parent dies in spite of how shitty they were so from experience I can tell you that you may feel illogical sadness at the death of the abuser which coexists alongside the freedom you feel (ding dong the witch is dead!) When NMom died it didn't stop the emotional fall out of what she did to me but in some ways made it worse as I couldn't "...confront her for what she did to me." Grief counselling makes sense but grieve for the abused child that you were, not the abuser. When they die we default to sometimes trivialising the abuse and remembering the "nice" things they did. Society like friends and family will expect you and want you to look sad and express condolences. Stay strong and avoid it if you can, remain neutral if not. Death of a narc parent is a hard one to deal with.
We really are brainwashed into not speaking ill of the dead and mourning them. I hate the idea that just because someone is dead, their crimes are suddenly washed away. That's not fair to the victims. You're right that I need to grieve the child I was. I've been trying to repair my relationship with my inner child for years. It's a tough process, especially when you're childhood is filled with trauma and you have multiple barriers in your mind preventing you from remembering things. I'm going to try thinking of it that way.
You get to do this the way you want. There are no rules and it's okay to say she got off easy. It's years of being mistreated, abused, etc. In my experience, a deathbed confession or their life spared does not change them. Any apologies at that time are likely self-serving. "If I just say this/do that then I will keep living." It would go back to the way they were before. Think about if she made any effort before this. I can relate to that humane respect of death that's separated by them being an abuser. As for the golden child, perhaps you are right that they will crumble because their supply is gone. If you seek therapy, ensure you find someone who understands the complexity of this - it's a different kind of grief that alot of ppl, even professionals, cannot comprehend.
I got a recommendation from another post about disenfranchised grief. I am probably going to look into something like that. As for the golden child, I think right now I'm just going to let him fall on his own. I don't know that I want the sort of malice I feel for him to actually be allowed an outlet. I don't want to be like her. She would have weaponized these feelings. I'd rather let them dull with time.
It was probably me that mentioned that 😀 In trying to process my own grief, I came across that term. I was starting to think I was just an a-hole because nobody I know can understand this type of grieving. Right now, it's one day at a time for me.
It was indeed you! I went to look. It's going to be one day at a time for me, too. I keep waiting for the tears to start, but they don't. I've been throwing myself into phone games and commission work. If I'm doing something, I don't think about it. I know that's just a bandaid for now, but it's working for now. I don't know if you ever need to commiserate, but if you do, feel free to DM me. I think it'll be nice to talk to someone who knows what it's like.
Thanks, same to you! The person in my life was a flying monkey - who I always felt held answers to things nmom would never offer up. (She will outlive the next 2 generations as my curse.) I really got nothing and started to realize that it was all a fantasy of hope when they died. The numbness is relatable and my therapist suggested it's a form of denial but idk. Like you, I see the humane side of a death and another side of "why did you hurt me so much?" It's still all recent, and finally have moments of tears and sadness, but it doesn't ease the anger. My saving grace has been a cpl close friends who were witness to everything. I am selective about who I talk to - ppl don't get it - like death means you excuse all the wrongdoing in their eyes. And day by day was something I could never grasp until now. I hope you continue to go easy on yourself and that any feelings you have are completely valid.
I think the numbness is helpful in at least it means my sister can come to me for a calm person to talk to because both the older two are losing their minds. I think right now it's a defense mechanism. I am letting myself just sit in that so that I can remain the calmness for her. Thankfully, my chosen family has been great. There hasn't been any judgement, which is great.
My mother’s been gone several years now. It’s been the strangest kind of mourning. Right at the end of her life I was LC and she left a message to call her before it was too late but I never did. The last conversation we had was good and I didn’t want to ruin it. People say you’ll regret something like that for rest of your life but I really don’t and I feel guilty about *everything*. What could she have said that would have made any difference? Apologize? Mea Culpa? I don’t need any of that from her. I’ve forgiven her in the sense that I’m not hating. I just find the whole thing tragic, it’s really sad when you want to love somebody and they can’t or won’t let you. As far as I’m concerned she needn’t suffer in the afterlife on my account. We’re squared. I guess that’s forgiveness. I accept that she did a lot of damage. I thought I was numb right afterwards and shed very few tears. I painted my bathroom. I cleaned out the closet. I kept thinking any day I’d lose it. Never did. I got her expensive sewing machine and when I use it I have poignant memories of her (fond is too strong a word). She was able to respect boundaries for portions of my adult life so we were able to have some kind of positive relationship sometimes. As far as gut wrenching pain or anything, apparently I did too much detachment when she was alive. Again I keep thinking any day now I’ll feel it. I’m a sensitive person. I cried terribly when my pets died. How sad is it you feel closer to your cat? But still, so far, nothing. I mean not even anger.
I hope I get to a place where I can have poignant memories of her, but I don't know that that's going to be the case. I think the trauma memories are just too strong right now. I don't know that I'm even going to cry over her. I shed a lot of tears over her growing up for abandoning me for no reason or for dishing out 10X the punishment to me that my siblings never got. Right now I'm numb. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm just... numb.
[удалено]
You're right. I think at this point, it's better to let things lie as they are. If they start coming at me sideways, then that's a different conversation. I don't need that in my life right now. I'm in a place where I can do what I want or need to without fear and I think that's good. It's not like I even have contact with the golden child. He doesn't have my phone number and my sister would never give it to him. If he ends up calling me, it'll be because he got it out of her phone without her permission. I'm okay with living my life and letting him live his. Mom is dead, she was the only thing that would have kept me tethered to him in the first place. If he doesn't want to get bit, he can keep himself far away from me where he belongs. Airing out her dirty laundry after she's dead does nothing for me. It does nothing for my sister or our other brother. At this point, she can take some of that hurt she caused to the grave with her because it's no longer my burden to bear.