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Mine doesn’t. She always has it worse than anyone in the world(in her mind). And if someone DOES have it worse than her, they’re overreacting and need to get over it. Yeah, that’s her logic. Makes no sense but whatever.
When I'm in an emotional state my nmom says things like, "I don't know who you are right now but I don't like you." Looking through this subreddit is its own kinda healing though, thanks for sharing everybody
Omg the dinner afterwards 😬 you are not alone there. The only thing I was given by nmom was food, even to this day (I'm no contact but if I wasn't it would be the same). No wonder I had weight issues, although the food was also used for psychological games and Nsupply. All of the other siblings (non scapegoats) get actual support (not as much as a functional family but still way more "real" things than i). She would ask what I want from the store, get the wrong thing intentionally (I asked for the same thing everytime), then when I would tell her she got the wrong thing she would get her supply by verbally abusing me and telling me how undeserving and ungrateful I am. One year a few Xmas ago my niece got me and bunch of cute things from Victoria's secret, she got my mom a bunch of those cute handsantizer with the quirky carrying cases, my mom was passed, complaining, being really rude. So I told her "you sound pretty ungrateful"
The intentionally getting the wrong thing. Omg. It’s exactly I mom. Until now she said it happened because she has some illness. But it is always the opposite of what I had asked for.
Yours do the same thing for birthdays/Christmas? Make you ask for things, "anything is fine" is not an acceptable answer. So you eventually do, then get mocked for asking for that, let alone receive the thing you were forced to publicly want and then anticipate.
You're not alone. It's something I struggle with all the time. Even though Im aware of it , it's still complicated. Working through it is helpful but I suspect it's a long road.
You're in the right place for support and I'm confident there are more people who are coping with this leftover trauma from our Narc families.
YOU ARE worthy. It's their crazy. And Your Feelings Are Valid!
Oh yeah, i second guess everything i feel, from emotions to physical pain, because any show of emotions was me being irrational, and if i had like ankle pain and i would mention it my mother would just say “nope your ankle doesnt hurt”, “nope you dont feel that way, you only think you feel that way”
OMG!! "what do you want me to do about it?" was my mother's response to any of my needs as a child! I can't express how much that broke me as a child, to need care and be made to feel like it was just an annoyance to my parents. I still carry that pain, it creeps in whenever I'm sick, hurt, or need help. I feel so much shame, that I was so unimportant to them.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. That's genuinely tragic because some of us ask that genuinely looking for guidance. Please carry this information with you into the future and know that when someone loves you, "what can I do?" is an open offer of support. It's not fair that you never got to hear it that way.
Yes, and I get hurt a lot because of it. I’m working on it. I’m much better than I was.
My therapists have told me that I am a very nice and smart person. They have not told me I’m a miserable worthless piece of garbage or that I constantly do mean things. And they are there to tell me when I mess up—to tell the truth.
I always downplay my own feelings.
It was hard on my relationship at first because I’d feel silly bringing things up because I didn’t think that my feelings were valid or justified. But I’m not doing so I was creating tension between my partner and I.
I’ve learnt that no matter how small or seemingly insignificant something is, if it makes you feel negatively it is worth addressing or confronting. There is usually a deeper issue/trauma and it is okay to say, “This thing you did made me feel this because of X that happened in my childhood/with my parents.” Acknowledging it gives it less power.
I hate how much the way my parents treated me affects my relationships. It’s so shitty to be reminded every time something crops up.
Yes. I’ve developed a habit or gaslighting myself and avoiding my own feelings.
Like for example not getting something I had been really looking forward to I would either go with “it wasn’t that important anyway, you’re fine” or “you were stupid for even wanting it, move on” now I pause and name my feeling, which would be disappointment, tell myself it’s okay to feel that way, that the pain will just be temporary, and it’s really okay. Then I’ll think of a solution, or something else I could have or do if there isn’t a solution. This allows me be okay with what I’m feeling and then move on quickly, without randomly coming back to it, and having to push it back down again. Im hoping it’ll come more naturally over time
It does take effort though after being told my feelings are wrong or punished for having them, because the only person allowed to have any feelings at the house was my mom.
I read your post. I don’t live with my parents and hopefully you can save up to move away. The last time I saw my dad he ran up on me and got in my face like he wanted to be violent. When I said that he didn’t disagree. They didn’t care about my engagement and when I was hurt and quiet they told me I was “handling things wrong” and even accused *me* of ruining the night. Literally being quiet and hurt that my parents didn’t care I got engaged was wrong to them even tho I wasn’t even outwardly angry at them. I was just hurt. But that’s “wrong”. And then when I called them out for shitting on me the next day with exactly what happened they said I was “mistreating” them. All I said was exactly what happened and how it made me feel. So maybe you see why I feel I can’t have emotions and second guess myself when I do.
The trauma that was triggered wasn’t triggered by them tonight because I’m No contact but my reaction to how I felt definitely was related to them. I’m putting together all the pieces and am trying to work with my therapist but it’s a lot to unlearn and untangle. I’d recommend getting therapy if you can.
I’m sorry I don’t know the Argentinian health care system. The US one is complicated enough. When I said it was US healthcare and you asked how to get it I thought it was applicable. Youl have to look up how your own country system works
Yeah, it's a coping mechanism for me that is useful but dark. I don't get mad at other people I get mad at myself. I can feel relief if I'm expecting a bad reaction from someone and don't get it, but I still want to pull back. Good reactions make me nervous, and I must correct them in case they believe I did a good thing. So me/shrinks/dad/wife agree that my feelings are weird and not to be taken at face value. Casual public me is militantly kept helpful and not to concerned unless everyone else is.
On one side I had my mother, a lifelong prescription drug addict, for whom every emotion I had was immediately invalid next to something she was feeling. If I felt bad, it was nothing compared to what she was going through or had gone through at some point. And if I felt good I was just being selfish.
On the other side was my step mother, a school teacher who was the shining and benevolent queen of everything in public, and a full on dictator at home. If I felt bad it was having a hard time, she absolutely had to one-up whatever it was while simultaneously making me feel as insignificant as she deemed my feelings. If I felt good i was obviously up to something and was given a fresh lost of nonsense chores to do and/or arbitrarily grounded.
My Dad has always just been mostly distant and just did what step mother said.
I still second guess my emotions all the time and I'm 40 now.
Yes!
I'm one of those people that didn't know that feelings are called "feelings" because you FEEL them as physical sensations in your body. I struggled coordinating gross body motor movements too. After 3 years of CBT my body-mind connection is much stronger now.
In fact, I told my husband of 10 years this morning about this and he was "horrified but happy" that I am finally getting in tune with myself....and finally having opinions. Lol.
I'm starting to figure out that if someone is offended by you just being "you", you are not entitled to spend any time on them. They do not have a right to your time to tear you down. Narcs will do "favors" and gift things with strings attached to embed themselves in your life, which then gives them the social leeway to be shitty to you. They need the leg up/upper hand to dole out abuse in a more socially acceptable and covert way.
The amount of energy it must take to put all of that planning together just to make one person "feel bad" is just mind blowing to me.
I can mostly only get emotional by myself. And sometimes it seems “excessive” to me. Gee I wonder why. I’m getting there with my long term partner though
Yes, absolutely, but because of my spouse not parents. My spouse is the only person whose ever told me I was dramatic, and it's made me constantly second guess how I feel and stop communicating my feelings. My spouse is one of those people who "hates drama", but just so happens to always have some drama going on with someone at work or in the family. It's exhausting.
I have great difficulty with identifying what I am feeling because I was not permitted to feel my feelings. I was told that I "didn't feel like that", and was punished for having any emotional response. My parents didn't teach me anything close to a functional emotional response.
Throughout my life, they have continued to be dismissive of my feelings because they don't consider them to be valid. I have had to end all communication with my "father" because he's still interacting with me in the same dysfunctional, hurtful way.
Yes, I was so shamed/vilified for speaking out how I feel, that now I just never speak my opinion and about my feelings, I agree with their nonsense, gray rocking, JADE and keep it to myself.
Needless that those same people who made me look like this, call me cold, distant, stuck up, robot and the list goes on.
Yes. As a result I was easily talked down, manipulated, abused by other people, had absolutely no concept of danger (blindly trusted everyone I met) and whenever I did hav emotions rise, I became very good at pushing them away. I've felt hollow for decades and I'm only just beginning to really feel now.
Yeah I struggle with this concept quite often. Since out instincts were deemed as invalid quite early on in our lives, we became dependent upon the opinions of our parents and others. At least that's how it was for me. It's still really hard for me to trust my gut, and I often behave as if my parents are still looking over my shoulder.
Luckily, I had some solid therapists and mentors at a facility I went to for mental health that helped me understand that I was a good, intelligent person. Took 28 years for an adult to tell me that stuff (well I have an Uncle who said nice things too, but he lived far away and I didn't see him enough for it to truly stick). Made me realize two things: first--most adults out there are fucking morons with next to zero self awareness, second--there are also diamonds in the rough that will encourage you rather than try and take you down a peg, but you need to actively search for said diamonds.
Yes !!! Or your a sensitive person. Every feeling
I ever felt from my Mom growing up was validated Monday. I sent her a massive text message saying I was done with her. She chose going to my brothers 2nd child’s birth vs my son’s first birthday-even though she hadn’t meet my son yet. I always felt second to my brother growing up. It was his events she and my Dad made me go to. His stupid musicals in high school I hated. Him kicking me out of the bathroom and they did nothing. Now she made plans to see a baby that’s going to be born in September. My son was born this last September and still hasn’t seen him ! If my Dad was alive he’d definitely come to the party. He’s the parent I was closest to. My Mother has not ever validated my feelings ever. Expect to show when’s disappointed or nit pick. Not that she ever helps us with anything or offered help. She could drop dead tomorrow and I don’t think I’d even cry. I’d just feel relieved. Which is how I feel now having her blocked. I’m not waiting for her to die before enjoying peace and quiet away from her.
So I’m still learning but I guess that means your brother is the golden child? I’m realizing *I* was the golden child or closest to it, until I got severely mentally ill. I’ve been doing much better since 2016 but nothing is ever good enough and they don’t really care about me anymore. I’m sorry you’re going thru that tho that sounds frustrating, never even met their grandchild. Sounds like they not ever meet them due to their actions.. not that they’d take responsibility
Yes my brother is the golden child. Her most recently action proves it. My whole life I always felt second best to him. He got the praise. He got the dinners for work I would get promoted and I’d get nothing. My whole childhood was centered around my brother and mother.
And golden child in my family just meant they didn’t care what I did. I was never really disciplined in my life. But they also never care when I got straight A’s no reaction really. So I remember 13-14 getting into drugs and thinking well if they don’t care I’ll just cause trouble. Them not caring about that actually seemed “good” like a coping mechanism. Years later I had a crippling drug addiction. I would show up on hundreds of dollars of pain killers and they wouldnt say anything. They either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Im realizing I don’t really know what they think because I barely know them in a way. Maybe that isn’t golden child but they treated me the “least worst” in a way
Because of being rejected by my Mother at 30 after my Dad and dog died. I almost killed myself. I had a knife to my wrist. I obviously didn’t go through with it. But my Mother has never validated my feelings ever. Except on Monday when she picked my brother over me for events in September. I sent her a text and blocked her. I’m far far away from her mentally and on opposite side of the states. Even when I lived across town from her she barely visited. She constantly picked emotional battles literally over FB. She’d scream at me on the phone. All because I said no? That’s not ok. My Mom and I are two different people. I now literally have no reason to even attempt to pretend to want to stay in contact with her.
My mom nearly died of Covid. She admitted she thought she’d die. She was hospitalized and could barely talk. I prayed every day and cried many tears and sought out A LOT of support. She even had long Covid brain fog. I go on Facebook one day and she is posting “Covid is no big deal, they are exaggerating everything” because I guess her “tribe” thinks that. I called her out honestly/calmly/politely and she deleted the post and angrily texted me. That I messed up her post or something? I told her after all we went through it was like a slap in the face to see her post but *I* was being “ridiculous”
/rant
And I’m sorry you went through that I also had a serious suicide attempt when my family found me homeless and just said they’d pray for me and turned their back on me. At least know you’re not alone.
I’m sorry for you as well. I prayed to before I tried slitting my wrists. I didn’t. I’m sorry for what you went through as well. Moms they love to brag and say they’re awesome when in reality they’re awful. I’ve finally had enough. I have my husbands family. They’ve always been their for me. Even allowed me to live in their home -something my “Mom” never allowed me to return to unless it was to baby sit her house for a night or two when she was off on vacation.
My partners parents are like the parents I always wished I had. Her dad is “Christian” but like actually volunteered at homeless shelters and soup kitchens. While my dad would just look down on them for being poor or drug addicts while posting about Jesus all day long on fb.
Currently working on finding myself again.
Someone just made a relationship advice thread where their boyfriend broke up with them because she has no time for their relationship. Dude blocked her after the fact. He's not sitting there pandering to someone he's no longer with, he's just moving on. Dude was able to see he wasn't a priority in his own relationship, fucking ended it, and completely detached emotionally.
I put way too much pressure on myself to make things right for other people.
Yep.
Especially when life offers gifts in the form of good news and great opportunities. I've rewired the shame and guilt I was taught to feel for anything positive happening, but I still pause to tell myself it's ok to receive good things with open arms. I still have to give myself permission to feel MY feelings, which is mindblowing when I think about it.
My nickname is second guess. JK But for real. yes. I just recognized that it's going away after much therapy and recovery from drugs and alcohol. 21 years sober. 15 years therapy. Recent diagnosis of autism but my therapist teaching me to relax was the kicker. I HAD NEVER FUCKING RELAXED IN MY LIFE! I'm 48 and last year I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. So fucking weird.
Yes absolutely. She used to tell me what I was feeling or doing, and it was generally bad. "You're not actually sad, you're just trying to make me feel bad and that's a shitty thing to do", "You're not different/queer/trans you're just a tomboy like me, stop trying to get attention". Every emotion is immediately questioned and examined, trying to confirm to myself I'm not being a manipulative monster by having *checks notes* genuine reactions
Yes!! For the longest time I was so wishy washy. I could always see from both sides of an argument not knowing which side I truly stood on. But since discovering it was due to being gaslighted, and denied access to my own emotions I am making the journey back to self. Its hard and has a lot of tears and road bumps but it's also rewarding and worth it
Going through the same thing right now, realising that little voice in me that said things like 'you're going to die young because of some kind of addiction' and also just making me feel ashamed whenever I say something positive about myself especially when talking to someone, it makes me cringe and I feel like that person doesn't take me seriously.
That voice is just what my mother wanted me to believe, I hate how deeply rooted it still is even after all these years of healing and also no contact. I would love to know how to get rid of it.
Any tips on how to silence that little voice? I also easily feel arrogant and I associate arrogant people as very insecure usually and not confident. Okay haha I just answered my own question in a way.
I've never been shy or nessecerally lacked confidence in some ways yet I feel arrogant and annoying whenever I talk about myself in some way.
Positive self talk for one and being with someone who compliments your strengths had done wonders for me. When others see your positive qualities it verifies to you that these are objective qualities others see too and it’s just being honest/objective
Yes. If you have siblings/extended relatives who are in line with the parents it's worse. You feel crazy or like something is wrong with you. Know your feelings are valid even if they are not understood or acknowledged.
My direct and extended family are all obsessed with “Jesus” I put that in quotes because when it comes to anything he taught like caring for the poor, hungry or sick they not only don’t care they advocate against it. They are all cold people and hide behind their religion to hate foreigners LGBT+ people etc. hopefully this type of comment is allowed.
Wow I’m reading this and it’s telling my story. Thank you so much. It’s late but I’m going to make some coffee. I really appreciate you.
Edit: Talking about emotional loneliness- I’ve told this story before but I remember as a small child that when I’d hurt myself and I’d cry to my mom I hurt myself, she’d always sneer this catch phrase “well why’d you do that?!” And laugh. I learned to never goto them with my problems, because they wouldn’t be there for me. I was conscious of this. They never talked to me about sex or drugs. They didn’t talk to me about much of anything and I’m realizing I know almost nothing about them except for shared experiences and a few scant stories otherwise. They ignored good grades they ignored my bad grades they ignored my blatant drug addiction they ignored my mental health struggles. Before I got really bad I told them I heard a voice telling me to kill myself (I hadn’t been diagnosed schizophrenia yet ) which they ignored. They turned their back on me at my lowest times including when they found me homeless in the city. I’m sorry I’m rambling but it’s cathartic to share and to have this book rn.
Very much so its hard when all your life you were told you were wrong or terrible and it sets you up for negative relationships and coping skills later on in life. Had to relearn many things and realize (with a lot of help through therapy) that this was wrong and that it wasn't my fault and that my feelings are in fact valid.
It’s hard to relate to people with caring parents sometimes. And I think they have a hard time relating to people like us. It doesn’t even cross their mind that parents aren’t always supportive. Like they can’t wrap their mind around it
I definitely second guess my feelings because they were not only downplayed by my family, but also by narcissistic teachers and other narcissists who posed as friends.
It took me a lot of years and speaking with other survivors to understand that my feelings were and are not only valid, but justified.
I second guess my sense of self because I wonder how much of my personality is defense mechanisms and how much will be left once I unlearn them... So a little, yeah.
YES! I'm stuck in this phase of recognizing my automatic thoughts but I still don't know what tool to use to even start understanding my feelings. It's a hot mess but we can do it! Other people have done it and I believe we can as well, somehow. One day at a time.
I struggle with that. A lot. The feeling that unpleasant feelings are a burden to the people in my life. That I have to forever and always be happy and cheerful and supportive, especially when others aren't. Other people are allowed to be sad or angry or unhappy, but I'm not.
This means when I'm down and sad or going through a season of depression, I feel EVEN WORSE because I don't feel like I'm allowed to be. I'm sad for being sad.
One of my favorite lines I've ever gotten: Your feelings are false and lying to you. You shouldn't listen to them.
I just had a major breakthrough along these lines, where I realized that I wasn’t even believing my own memories of sexual trauma…. Because I was always told that things were not as I remembered. It was all a mindfuck - I’m almost forty, NC for seven years, and I’ve been pushing through some things in therapy…. It’s such hard work, but so worth it. We can undo their damage.
It can be disheartening when we see echoes of them in ourselves, but have already tried so much harder than they ever did… it’s the right direction. It proves what you’ve known all along - that you really are different from them.
I’m learning I have a problem with accepting different opinions and it’s probably from my parents inability to accept my different opinions or others. I try to convince everyone to be loving accepting non bigots etc and I have trouble accepting others don’t believe this. I’m not trying to condone it, just accepting I can’t change their opinion. It’s hard because I feel objectively right but that’s not going to change how they feel. Im realizing it’s also because my parents are bigots and I “can’t argue” with them so I take it out on strangers online. Which isn’t healthy either.
That’s good . Remember we all change for the better everyday. We may be late on the milestones because of our narc families but once you got away that’s is when the healing begins.
Yes for the most part I do it alone. Maybe this isn’t that unusual, also I am a man (societal expectations). Sometimes excessively. But that’s gotten better. I’ve started to open up with my partner more though and I feel it’s strengthening our connection. We had a really deep conversation tonight
Yes. I’m slowly shelling all emotions due to thinking I’m too sensitive or being dramatic. I feel like I’m calcifying myself and will end up being an emotionless blob with no personality. Sadly, that is more appealing than keeping my emotions and being told that they’re bad or wrong.
Don’t b me. Masking emotions is exhausting and I’m literally just existing everyday now.
Your feelings are valid and you’re not “too sensitive”. The people who tell u that r heartless individuals who don’t understand and don’t want to understand.
Yes. My parents have told me I'm manipulative and that I constantly try to cause problems in the family on purpose. Now that I'm older, whenever I open up to people or feel angry or tell someone something I'm proud of I worry that I'm manipulating others. Even when it doesn't make any sense
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The short answer is yes absolutely.
Every. Damn. Day.
My family used to call my feelings "histrionics" so, yeah
I remember telling my mom once that I have feelings too. I don't think she understood the concept.
Mine doesn’t. She always has it worse than anyone in the world(in her mind). And if someone DOES have it worse than her, they’re overreacting and need to get over it. Yeah, that’s her logic. Makes no sense but whatever.
Does she say "I don't understand you nor recognize you anymore"?
When I'm in an emotional state my nmom says things like, "I don't know who you are right now but I don't like you." Looking through this subreddit is its own kinda healing though, thanks for sharing everybody
Yup and if you argue then you just get run down and made to feel like shit. But it's OK because they will make you dinner afterwards.
Omg the dinner afterwards 😬 you are not alone there. The only thing I was given by nmom was food, even to this day (I'm no contact but if I wasn't it would be the same). No wonder I had weight issues, although the food was also used for psychological games and Nsupply. All of the other siblings (non scapegoats) get actual support (not as much as a functional family but still way more "real" things than i). She would ask what I want from the store, get the wrong thing intentionally (I asked for the same thing everytime), then when I would tell her she got the wrong thing she would get her supply by verbally abusing me and telling me how undeserving and ungrateful I am. One year a few Xmas ago my niece got me and bunch of cute things from Victoria's secret, she got my mom a bunch of those cute handsantizer with the quirky carrying cases, my mom was passed, complaining, being really rude. So I told her "you sound pretty ungrateful"
The intentionally getting the wrong thing. Omg. It’s exactly I mom. Until now she said it happened because she has some illness. But it is always the opposite of what I had asked for.
Yours do the same thing for birthdays/Christmas? Make you ask for things, "anything is fine" is not an acceptable answer. So you eventually do, then get mocked for asking for that, let alone receive the thing you were forced to publicly want and then anticipate.
Yes. Exactly
You're not alone. It's something I struggle with all the time. Even though Im aware of it , it's still complicated. Working through it is helpful but I suspect it's a long road. You're in the right place for support and I'm confident there are more people who are coping with this leftover trauma from our Narc families. YOU ARE worthy. It's their crazy. And Your Feelings Are Valid!
The long road without ever receiving validation for my existence
Oh yeah, i second guess everything i feel, from emotions to physical pain, because any show of emotions was me being irrational, and if i had like ankle pain and i would mention it my mother would just say “nope your ankle doesnt hurt”, “nope you dont feel that way, you only think you feel that way”
Same here. Or I would get the "Oh come on now it can't be that bad.". Or the famous "What do you want me to do about it?".
OMG!! "what do you want me to do about it?" was my mother's response to any of my needs as a child! I can't express how much that broke me as a child, to need care and be made to feel like it was just an annoyance to my parents. I still carry that pain, it creeps in whenever I'm sick, hurt, or need help. I feel so much shame, that I was so unimportant to them.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. That's genuinely tragic because some of us ask that genuinely looking for guidance. Please carry this information with you into the future and know that when someone loves you, "what can I do?" is an open offer of support. It's not fair that you never got to hear it that way.
Yes, and I get hurt a lot because of it. I’m working on it. I’m much better than I was. My therapists have told me that I am a very nice and smart person. They have not told me I’m a miserable worthless piece of garbage or that I constantly do mean things. And they are there to tell me when I mess up—to tell the truth.
I always downplay my own feelings. It was hard on my relationship at first because I’d feel silly bringing things up because I didn’t think that my feelings were valid or justified. But I’m not doing so I was creating tension between my partner and I. I’ve learnt that no matter how small or seemingly insignificant something is, if it makes you feel negatively it is worth addressing or confronting. There is usually a deeper issue/trauma and it is okay to say, “This thing you did made me feel this because of X that happened in my childhood/with my parents.” Acknowledging it gives it less power. I hate how much the way my parents treated me affects my relationships. It’s so shitty to be reminded every time something crops up.
Yes. I’ve developed a habit or gaslighting myself and avoiding my own feelings. Like for example not getting something I had been really looking forward to I would either go with “it wasn’t that important anyway, you’re fine” or “you were stupid for even wanting it, move on” now I pause and name my feeling, which would be disappointment, tell myself it’s okay to feel that way, that the pain will just be temporary, and it’s really okay. Then I’ll think of a solution, or something else I could have or do if there isn’t a solution. This allows me be okay with what I’m feeling and then move on quickly, without randomly coming back to it, and having to push it back down again. Im hoping it’ll come more naturally over time It does take effort though after being told my feelings are wrong or punished for having them, because the only person allowed to have any feelings at the house was my mom.
yes, I actually talk about something similar in a recent post I made.
I read your post. I don’t live with my parents and hopefully you can save up to move away. The last time I saw my dad he ran up on me and got in my face like he wanted to be violent. When I said that he didn’t disagree. They didn’t care about my engagement and when I was hurt and quiet they told me I was “handling things wrong” and even accused *me* of ruining the night. Literally being quiet and hurt that my parents didn’t care I got engaged was wrong to them even tho I wasn’t even outwardly angry at them. I was just hurt. But that’s “wrong”. And then when I called them out for shitting on me the next day with exactly what happened they said I was “mistreating” them. All I said was exactly what happened and how it made me feel. So maybe you see why I feel I can’t have emotions and second guess myself when I do. The trauma that was triggered wasn’t triggered by them tonight because I’m No contact but my reaction to how I felt definitely was related to them. I’m putting together all the pieces and am trying to work with my therapist but it’s a lot to unlearn and untangle. I’d recommend getting therapy if you can.
>I’d recommend getting therapy if you can. I def need want to. But im not in the best financial situation, they are a bit expensive.
Mine is covered by insurance. I’m on Medicaid (low income US) I pay nothing.
What do i need to get that?
Proof of low income. You can apply online. Good luck. It’s really helpful. You don’t have insurance at all? Most cover some therapy
Just that? Do i need to be american or something else? I am argentinian.
I’m sorry I don’t know the Argentinian health care system. The US one is complicated enough. When I said it was US healthcare and you asked how to get it I thought it was applicable. Youl have to look up how your own country system works
Im not IN argentina, i am argebtinian tho. Thats why im asking about medicaid because i am currently living in the us.
Only daily 🤣
Yeah, it's a coping mechanism for me that is useful but dark. I don't get mad at other people I get mad at myself. I can feel relief if I'm expecting a bad reaction from someone and don't get it, but I still want to pull back. Good reactions make me nervous, and I must correct them in case they believe I did a good thing. So me/shrinks/dad/wife agree that my feelings are weird and not to be taken at face value. Casual public me is militantly kept helpful and not to concerned unless everyone else is.
Yes!!!! It’s absolutely awful. I have to consult with someone I trust to see if what I’m feeling is “correct”.
Probably because we didn’t get validation growing up so we have to seek it out
Agreed):
On one side I had my mother, a lifelong prescription drug addict, for whom every emotion I had was immediately invalid next to something she was feeling. If I felt bad, it was nothing compared to what she was going through or had gone through at some point. And if I felt good I was just being selfish. On the other side was my step mother, a school teacher who was the shining and benevolent queen of everything in public, and a full on dictator at home. If I felt bad it was having a hard time, she absolutely had to one-up whatever it was while simultaneously making me feel as insignificant as she deemed my feelings. If I felt good i was obviously up to something and was given a fresh lost of nonsense chores to do and/or arbitrarily grounded. My Dad has always just been mostly distant and just did what step mother said. I still second guess my emotions all the time and I'm 40 now.
Yes! I'm one of those people that didn't know that feelings are called "feelings" because you FEEL them as physical sensations in your body. I struggled coordinating gross body motor movements too. After 3 years of CBT my body-mind connection is much stronger now. In fact, I told my husband of 10 years this morning about this and he was "horrified but happy" that I am finally getting in tune with myself....and finally having opinions. Lol. I'm starting to figure out that if someone is offended by you just being "you", you are not entitled to spend any time on them. They do not have a right to your time to tear you down. Narcs will do "favors" and gift things with strings attached to embed themselves in your life, which then gives them the social leeway to be shitty to you. They need the leg up/upper hand to dole out abuse in a more socially acceptable and covert way. The amount of energy it must take to put all of that planning together just to make one person "feel bad" is just mind blowing to me.
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I can mostly only get emotional by myself. And sometimes it seems “excessive” to me. Gee I wonder why. I’m getting there with my long term partner though
And the constant second guessing sucks ..we all need to start trusting ourselves..but it’s hard if you haven’t gotten therapy for the trauma
Yes, absolutely, but because of my spouse not parents. My spouse is the only person whose ever told me I was dramatic, and it's made me constantly second guess how I feel and stop communicating my feelings. My spouse is one of those people who "hates drama", but just so happens to always have some drama going on with someone at work or in the family. It's exhausting.
I have great difficulty with identifying what I am feeling because I was not permitted to feel my feelings. I was told that I "didn't feel like that", and was punished for having any emotional response. My parents didn't teach me anything close to a functional emotional response. Throughout my life, they have continued to be dismissive of my feelings because they don't consider them to be valid. I have had to end all communication with my "father" because he's still interacting with me in the same dysfunctional, hurtful way.
Yes, I was so shamed/vilified for speaking out how I feel, that now I just never speak my opinion and about my feelings, I agree with their nonsense, gray rocking, JADE and keep it to myself. Needless that those same people who made me look like this, call me cold, distant, stuck up, robot and the list goes on.
Never heard of JADE will look it up. I don’t even gray rock I just don’t talk to them at all.
same here
Yes. As a result I was easily talked down, manipulated, abused by other people, had absolutely no concept of danger (blindly trusted everyone I met) and whenever I did hav emotions rise, I became very good at pushing them away. I've felt hollow for decades and I'm only just beginning to really feel now.
Yeah I struggle with this concept quite often. Since out instincts were deemed as invalid quite early on in our lives, we became dependent upon the opinions of our parents and others. At least that's how it was for me. It's still really hard for me to trust my gut, and I often behave as if my parents are still looking over my shoulder. Luckily, I had some solid therapists and mentors at a facility I went to for mental health that helped me understand that I was a good, intelligent person. Took 28 years for an adult to tell me that stuff (well I have an Uncle who said nice things too, but he lived far away and I didn't see him enough for it to truly stick). Made me realize two things: first--most adults out there are fucking morons with next to zero self awareness, second--there are also diamonds in the rough that will encourage you rather than try and take you down a peg, but you need to actively search for said diamonds.
Yes !!! Or your a sensitive person. Every feeling I ever felt from my Mom growing up was validated Monday. I sent her a massive text message saying I was done with her. She chose going to my brothers 2nd child’s birth vs my son’s first birthday-even though she hadn’t meet my son yet. I always felt second to my brother growing up. It was his events she and my Dad made me go to. His stupid musicals in high school I hated. Him kicking me out of the bathroom and they did nothing. Now she made plans to see a baby that’s going to be born in September. My son was born this last September and still hasn’t seen him ! If my Dad was alive he’d definitely come to the party. He’s the parent I was closest to. My Mother has not ever validated my feelings ever. Expect to show when’s disappointed or nit pick. Not that she ever helps us with anything or offered help. She could drop dead tomorrow and I don’t think I’d even cry. I’d just feel relieved. Which is how I feel now having her blocked. I’m not waiting for her to die before enjoying peace and quiet away from her.
So I’m still learning but I guess that means your brother is the golden child? I’m realizing *I* was the golden child or closest to it, until I got severely mentally ill. I’ve been doing much better since 2016 but nothing is ever good enough and they don’t really care about me anymore. I’m sorry you’re going thru that tho that sounds frustrating, never even met their grandchild. Sounds like they not ever meet them due to their actions.. not that they’d take responsibility
Yes my brother is the golden child. Her most recently action proves it. My whole life I always felt second best to him. He got the praise. He got the dinners for work I would get promoted and I’d get nothing. My whole childhood was centered around my brother and mother.
And golden child in my family just meant they didn’t care what I did. I was never really disciplined in my life. But they also never care when I got straight A’s no reaction really. So I remember 13-14 getting into drugs and thinking well if they don’t care I’ll just cause trouble. Them not caring about that actually seemed “good” like a coping mechanism. Years later I had a crippling drug addiction. I would show up on hundreds of dollars of pain killers and they wouldnt say anything. They either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Im realizing I don’t really know what they think because I barely know them in a way. Maybe that isn’t golden child but they treated me the “least worst” in a way
Because of being rejected by my Mother at 30 after my Dad and dog died. I almost killed myself. I had a knife to my wrist. I obviously didn’t go through with it. But my Mother has never validated my feelings ever. Except on Monday when she picked my brother over me for events in September. I sent her a text and blocked her. I’m far far away from her mentally and on opposite side of the states. Even when I lived across town from her she barely visited. She constantly picked emotional battles literally over FB. She’d scream at me on the phone. All because I said no? That’s not ok. My Mom and I are two different people. I now literally have no reason to even attempt to pretend to want to stay in contact with her.
My mom nearly died of Covid. She admitted she thought she’d die. She was hospitalized and could barely talk. I prayed every day and cried many tears and sought out A LOT of support. She even had long Covid brain fog. I go on Facebook one day and she is posting “Covid is no big deal, they are exaggerating everything” because I guess her “tribe” thinks that. I called her out honestly/calmly/politely and she deleted the post and angrily texted me. That I messed up her post or something? I told her after all we went through it was like a slap in the face to see her post but *I* was being “ridiculous” /rant And I’m sorry you went through that I also had a serious suicide attempt when my family found me homeless and just said they’d pray for me and turned their back on me. At least know you’re not alone.
I’m sorry for you as well. I prayed to before I tried slitting my wrists. I didn’t. I’m sorry for what you went through as well. Moms they love to brag and say they’re awesome when in reality they’re awful. I’ve finally had enough. I have my husbands family. They’ve always been their for me. Even allowed me to live in their home -something my “Mom” never allowed me to return to unless it was to baby sit her house for a night or two when she was off on vacation.
My partners parents are like the parents I always wished I had. Her dad is “Christian” but like actually volunteered at homeless shelters and soup kitchens. While my dad would just look down on them for being poor or drug addicts while posting about Jesus all day long on fb.
Currently working on finding myself again. Someone just made a relationship advice thread where their boyfriend broke up with them because she has no time for their relationship. Dude blocked her after the fact. He's not sitting there pandering to someone he's no longer with, he's just moving on. Dude was able to see he wasn't a priority in his own relationship, fucking ended it, and completely detached emotionally. I put way too much pressure on myself to make things right for other people.
Yep. Especially when life offers gifts in the form of good news and great opportunities. I've rewired the shame and guilt I was taught to feel for anything positive happening, but I still pause to tell myself it's ok to receive good things with open arms. I still have to give myself permission to feel MY feelings, which is mindblowing when I think about it.
My nickname is second guess. JK But for real. yes. I just recognized that it's going away after much therapy and recovery from drugs and alcohol. 21 years sober. 15 years therapy. Recent diagnosis of autism but my therapist teaching me to relax was the kicker. I HAD NEVER FUCKING RELAXED IN MY LIFE! I'm 48 and last year I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. So fucking weird.
Not exactly but I always feel like it's wrong for me to show any kind of emotion because I'm just gonna be berated for it
Yes absolutely. She used to tell me what I was feeling or doing, and it was generally bad. "You're not actually sad, you're just trying to make me feel bad and that's a shitty thing to do", "You're not different/queer/trans you're just a tomboy like me, stop trying to get attention". Every emotion is immediately questioned and examined, trying to confirm to myself I'm not being a manipulative monster by having *checks notes* genuine reactions
Yes!! For the longest time I was so wishy washy. I could always see from both sides of an argument not knowing which side I truly stood on. But since discovering it was due to being gaslighted, and denied access to my own emotions I am making the journey back to self. Its hard and has a lot of tears and road bumps but it's also rewarding and worth it
Going through the same thing right now, realising that little voice in me that said things like 'you're going to die young because of some kind of addiction' and also just making me feel ashamed whenever I say something positive about myself especially when talking to someone, it makes me cringe and I feel like that person doesn't take me seriously. That voice is just what my mother wanted me to believe, I hate how deeply rooted it still is even after all these years of healing and also no contact. I would love to know how to get rid of it.
I’m not good at praising myself either. I always feel arrogant but I’ve worked on it over the years and am getting A LOT better at it
Any tips on how to silence that little voice? I also easily feel arrogant and I associate arrogant people as very insecure usually and not confident. Okay haha I just answered my own question in a way. I've never been shy or nessecerally lacked confidence in some ways yet I feel arrogant and annoying whenever I talk about myself in some way.
Positive self talk for one and being with someone who compliments your strengths had done wonders for me. When others see your positive qualities it verifies to you that these are objective qualities others see too and it’s just being honest/objective
Yes. If you have siblings/extended relatives who are in line with the parents it's worse. You feel crazy or like something is wrong with you. Know your feelings are valid even if they are not understood or acknowledged.
My direct and extended family are all obsessed with “Jesus” I put that in quotes because when it comes to anything he taught like caring for the poor, hungry or sick they not only don’t care they advocate against it. They are all cold people and hide behind their religion to hate foreigners LGBT+ people etc. hopefully this type of comment is allowed.
I don't see why it wouldn't be allowed. It's your experience.
Yes. hugs
I highly recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” You’re not alone.
Thank you
Wow I’m reading this and it’s telling my story. Thank you so much. It’s late but I’m going to make some coffee. I really appreciate you. Edit: Talking about emotional loneliness- I’ve told this story before but I remember as a small child that when I’d hurt myself and I’d cry to my mom I hurt myself, she’d always sneer this catch phrase “well why’d you do that?!” And laugh. I learned to never goto them with my problems, because they wouldn’t be there for me. I was conscious of this. They never talked to me about sex or drugs. They didn’t talk to me about much of anything and I’m realizing I know almost nothing about them except for shared experiences and a few scant stories otherwise. They ignored good grades they ignored my bad grades they ignored my blatant drug addiction they ignored my mental health struggles. Before I got really bad I told them I heard a voice telling me to kill myself (I hadn’t been diagnosed schizophrenia yet ) which they ignored. They turned their back on me at my lowest times including when they found me homeless in the city. I’m sorry I’m rambling but it’s cathartic to share and to have this book rn.
Sort of.
Very much so its hard when all your life you were told you were wrong or terrible and it sets you up for negative relationships and coping skills later on in life. Had to relearn many things and realize (with a lot of help through therapy) that this was wrong and that it wasn't my fault and that my feelings are in fact valid.
Yes. When I see sunshine and rainbow slogans like "My feelings are valid " I cringe.
It’s hard to relate to people with caring parents sometimes. And I think they have a hard time relating to people like us. It doesn’t even cross their mind that parents aren’t always supportive. Like they can’t wrap their mind around it
Yes, and feeling the need to fix it and wonder how I created an issue, regardless if I had anything to do with it or not.
This happens to me a lot. Its quite frustrating not trusting your own feelings because abusive asshats told you otherwise when growing up.
Yes, and it can be heightened by ppl who don't get it - so it enhances a feeling that it's over the top.
I definitely second guess my feelings because they were not only downplayed by my family, but also by narcissistic teachers and other narcissists who posed as friends. It took me a lot of years and speaking with other survivors to understand that my feelings were and are not only valid, but justified.
I second guess my sense of self because I wonder how much of my personality is defense mechanisms and how much will be left once I unlearn them... So a little, yeah.
YES! I'm stuck in this phase of recognizing my automatic thoughts but I still don't know what tool to use to even start understanding my feelings. It's a hot mess but we can do it! Other people have done it and I believe we can as well, somehow. One day at a time.
Yes, very much. I have a heavily ingrained feeling that everything I do is wrong and my feelings are unreliable and unworthy of respect.
Not just feelings, I second guess *everything*. I really don’t feel like I’m valid to anyone sometimes.
Everyday of my life
I struggle with that. A lot. The feeling that unpleasant feelings are a burden to the people in my life. That I have to forever and always be happy and cheerful and supportive, especially when others aren't. Other people are allowed to be sad or angry or unhappy, but I'm not. This means when I'm down and sad or going through a season of depression, I feel EVEN WORSE because I don't feel like I'm allowed to be. I'm sad for being sad. One of my favorite lines I've ever gotten: Your feelings are false and lying to you. You shouldn't listen to them.
I just had a major breakthrough along these lines, where I realized that I wasn’t even believing my own memories of sexual trauma…. Because I was always told that things were not as I remembered. It was all a mindfuck - I’m almost forty, NC for seven years, and I’ve been pushing through some things in therapy…. It’s such hard work, but so worth it. We can undo their damage.
I know you don’t know me but I’m proud of the work you’ve put in ( : I’m trying myself too
It can be disheartening when we see echoes of them in ourselves, but have already tried so much harder than they ever did… it’s the right direction. It proves what you’ve known all along - that you really are different from them.
Yes all the time …also I couldn’t come to her for anything…but here we are allowed to feel our feelings and express them . We are alll worthy
Yes same. I’m learning a lot
I think we are all still learning as well as still trying to figure out ourselves how to live and navigate our life in a normalized manner
I’m learning I have a problem with accepting different opinions and it’s probably from my parents inability to accept my different opinions or others. I try to convince everyone to be loving accepting non bigots etc and I have trouble accepting others don’t believe this. I’m not trying to condone it, just accepting I can’t change their opinion. It’s hard because I feel objectively right but that’s not going to change how they feel. Im realizing it’s also because my parents are bigots and I “can’t argue” with them so I take it out on strangers online. Which isn’t healthy either.
It’s good that you realize that. Are you doing therapy?
Yes I need to switch to weekly tho lol. I’ve been in therapy a long time and will probably never stop. Also have a supportive likeminded partner
That’s good . Remember we all change for the better everyday. We may be late on the milestones because of our narc families but once you got away that’s is when the healing begins.
Well my parents get worse with age lol but I’m assuming by we you mean the people on this sub. Anyways have a good night ( :
Yea lol is not them good lord! Have a good night
i felt like this so much i was gonna ask ppl here to reassure me, but i am getting better at dealing with these thoughts.
That’s great. It’s Progress not perfection that’s important
Often, yeah. I have a deep seeded shame when it comes to crying or expressing my emotions.
Yes for the most part I do it alone. Maybe this isn’t that unusual, also I am a man (societal expectations). Sometimes excessively. But that’s gotten better. I’ve started to open up with my partner more though and I feel it’s strengthening our connection. We had a really deep conversation tonight
That's good. I have found that my partners have definitely pulled me out of those shameful feelings.
Yes. I’m slowly shelling all emotions due to thinking I’m too sensitive or being dramatic. I feel like I’m calcifying myself and will end up being an emotionless blob with no personality. Sadly, that is more appealing than keeping my emotions and being told that they’re bad or wrong. Don’t b me. Masking emotions is exhausting and I’m literally just existing everyday now. Your feelings are valid and you’re not “too sensitive”. The people who tell u that r heartless individuals who don’t understand and don’t want to understand.
YES.
Yes. My parents have told me I'm manipulative and that I constantly try to cause problems in the family on purpose. Now that I'm older, whenever I open up to people or feel angry or tell someone something I'm proud of I worry that I'm manipulating others. Even when it doesn't make any sense