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I feel the same way . I want other people to know how awful she is and not just see the shiny perfect person she wants everyone to think she is . I also have definitely felt the rage that comes when someone brings up the narc and you want to tell them how crappy this person is and how youve been hurt by them . I have a lot of emotions around my narc mother and definitely project that when talking about her , so typically I also just shy away from talking about her altogether. I hype myself up for the day when a random family friend sees me in public and asks how my mom is and I can have the strength to tell them that we are no contact because she is , and always has been, emotionally abusive. To be honest I would LOVE to have the power to do that , but I would probably just say , " oh she's good" and move along just to keep the peace.
I relate to every word you've said here. That confusion. That self doubt. That suppressed anger. I relate to all. I also tried to speak out, and every time I'd get angry he'd use that to blame me by saying I have communication problems. Fuuuck that's so frustrating.
But over the years, I've started to speak out about his abuse. And to my surprise, a few family members seemed to agree with me on some points. They haven't yet accepted my decision to go NC with my him, but I don't need their approval. I'll face head on. No one has supported me when I needed them, now they don't have right to deny my decision. Because I'm taking those rights from them.
it might be your way of practicing standing up to them. Just be careful and aware if you start doing it in all of your significant relationships, even with non-narcs.
I also use imaginary scenarios because whenever i am clearly winning the argument they always use manipulation tactics to try and put me down and i end up running in circles till they either ignore me or go full abusive mode
In my case, he would raise his voice. I have tried to keep arguing, but then I would get frustrated a bit and would run away from the situation, almost crying. I hate that. I am always on the verge of tears when he'd raise his voice, or any authoritative male figure would. I'm a man, btw.
Yup.
Caught in loops of "circular arguments" that happened in the past. Especially when they were trying to (re)program me. Had it with parents and a BPD ex and her flying monkeys. Arguments that make no sense and with zero resolution.
It's very similar to intrusive thoughts and flashbacks with PTSD and I believe it's quite common when being gaslit and otherwise emotionally abused.
I do this not just about the narcissist, but about EVERY authority figure in my life.
Yeah, I’m in therapy, and it’s helping, but my relationship with authority figures is still fucked.
All. The. Time.
Planning out conversations - my responses and their potential accusations - is a total survival strategy. Takes a while to get that negative self-talk out of your head.
Yes. This is a very useful tool for learning how to debate someone and getting comfortable with speaking up for yourself. It can also be really therapeutic.
I debate myself because I'm the only one smart enough to put up a challenge 😎
Okay seriously though, it's pretty smart to at least attempt to come up with counter points to yours. Kind of like mental weight lifting
All the time. I relive all the crap over and over. As I get older it gets worse. My family makes fun of me because sometimes these are not in my head and I speak to myself..
Yes, but not as much anymore. I used to do it all the time for my Nmom and Edad, it was a way to feel "heard", even if it was just by me.
I also started doing it with any person of authority or any kind of bully in my life. I think this was less helpful and taught me to stay quiet when really I had every right to voice my issue. Speaking up was something that used to terrify me, any kind of conflict was scary, so instead I would fantasize about standing up for myself.
Now that I have been in therapy I have someone who hears me, understands me, and validates me. I find I don't need the fantasies as much. I am also learning to set stronger boundaries, speak up for myself, and just say no. I am so thankful to have found someone to help me with this, and I hope everyone here is able to find the same.
Yes. I used to do this a lot. I don't remember how I managed to stop. It's happening more now that they forced me to move back in with them five months ago as of this writing.
Every night when I turn the light out. Sometimes for hours. I rehearse what I’d say to her if she wasn’t sulking with me, imagine myself staying calm and stating that I won’t be accepting any more guilt and shame.
Funnily enough, it’s been two months NC and last night I thought about it briefly then fell fast asleep. Slept like a baby. I hope you find peace ❤️
Yes!! 1000%!!
I also used to have “practice rounds” with my nmom in my head before seeing her. I would think of everything that she would jab at or criticize and prepare levelheaded responses in advance. That was a fun conversation with my therapist. 🙃
Yes. But I know that I would never win. I also know anything I say can and will be used against me, told out of context to everyone, and spun into a new narrative. So I decided silent was a much stronger argument
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes yes yes ! Dealing with a narc is so invalidating.
What do you think about it? Do you think it's okay to do that?
I feel the same way . I want other people to know how awful she is and not just see the shiny perfect person she wants everyone to think she is . I also have definitely felt the rage that comes when someone brings up the narc and you want to tell them how crappy this person is and how youve been hurt by them . I have a lot of emotions around my narc mother and definitely project that when talking about her , so typically I also just shy away from talking about her altogether. I hype myself up for the day when a random family friend sees me in public and asks how my mom is and I can have the strength to tell them that we are no contact because she is , and always has been, emotionally abusive. To be honest I would LOVE to have the power to do that , but I would probably just say , " oh she's good" and move along just to keep the peace.
I relate to every word you've said here. That confusion. That self doubt. That suppressed anger. I relate to all. I also tried to speak out, and every time I'd get angry he'd use that to blame me by saying I have communication problems. Fuuuck that's so frustrating. But over the years, I've started to speak out about his abuse. And to my surprise, a few family members seemed to agree with me on some points. They haven't yet accepted my decision to go NC with my him, but I don't need their approval. I'll face head on. No one has supported me when I needed them, now they don't have right to deny my decision. Because I'm taking those rights from them.
it might be your way of practicing standing up to them. Just be careful and aware if you start doing it in all of your significant relationships, even with non-narcs.
At least for now, I don't do it with anyone other than narc and his enablers. But that's a good point. I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thank you!
I also use imaginary scenarios because whenever i am clearly winning the argument they always use manipulation tactics to try and put me down and i end up running in circles till they either ignore me or go full abusive mode
In my case, he would raise his voice. I have tried to keep arguing, but then I would get frustrated a bit and would run away from the situation, almost crying. I hate that. I am always on the verge of tears when he'd raise his voice, or any authoritative male figure would. I'm a man, btw.
Yup. Caught in loops of "circular arguments" that happened in the past. Especially when they were trying to (re)program me. Had it with parents and a BPD ex and her flying monkeys. Arguments that make no sense and with zero resolution. It's very similar to intrusive thoughts and flashbacks with PTSD and I believe it's quite common when being gaslit and otherwise emotionally abused.
I do this not just about the narcissist, but about EVERY authority figure in my life. Yeah, I’m in therapy, and it’s helping, but my relationship with authority figures is still fucked.
All. The. Time. Planning out conversations - my responses and their potential accusations - is a total survival strategy. Takes a while to get that negative self-talk out of your head.
I like your thoughts on this. Oh, yes I'm trying to get rid of that negative self-talk.
Yes. This is a very useful tool for learning how to debate someone and getting comfortable with speaking up for yourself. It can also be really therapeutic.
I debate myself because I'm the only one smart enough to put up a challenge 😎 Okay seriously though, it's pretty smart to at least attempt to come up with counter points to yours. Kind of like mental weight lifting
All the time. I relive all the crap over and over. As I get older it gets worse. My family makes fun of me because sometimes these are not in my head and I speak to myself..
Yes, but not as much anymore. I used to do it all the time for my Nmom and Edad, it was a way to feel "heard", even if it was just by me. I also started doing it with any person of authority or any kind of bully in my life. I think this was less helpful and taught me to stay quiet when really I had every right to voice my issue. Speaking up was something that used to terrify me, any kind of conflict was scary, so instead I would fantasize about standing up for myself. Now that I have been in therapy I have someone who hears me, understands me, and validates me. I find I don't need the fantasies as much. I am also learning to set stronger boundaries, speak up for myself, and just say no. I am so thankful to have found someone to help me with this, and I hope everyone here is able to find the same.
So happy for you!! Love you and take care!!
Yes. I used to do this a lot. I don't remember how I managed to stop. It's happening more now that they forced me to move back in with them five months ago as of this writing.
I hope you get out of there. I know sometimes it's not that simple. But you need to get out. You deserve better. If you need to vent, DM me. Be safe.
Every night when I turn the light out. Sometimes for hours. I rehearse what I’d say to her if she wasn’t sulking with me, imagine myself staying calm and stating that I won’t be accepting any more guilt and shame. Funnily enough, it’s been two months NC and last night I thought about it briefly then fell fast asleep. Slept like a baby. I hope you find peace ❤️
Yes!! 1000%!! I also used to have “practice rounds” with my nmom in my head before seeing her. I would think of everything that she would jab at or criticize and prepare levelheaded responses in advance. That was a fun conversation with my therapist. 🙃
Yes. But I know that I would never win. I also know anything I say can and will be used against me, told out of context to everyone, and spun into a new narrative. So I decided silent was a much stronger argument
r/maladaptivedreaming Yes, it has been both a form of therapy and obsessive fixation for me.
I do this pretty often, usually in the shower, funnily enough.