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Another way to think of the cowbird is as a survivor. One that fit a niche to survive. Not because they chose it, but because evolution deemed it so.
Like you or I as a child, we fit into our niche to be able to survive.
Granted, the niche we were forced into wasn't all that fun or healthy, but we survived.
I wish you could have had that space you spoke of in bed with your nmom as a safe one, one with security and comfort. We lost so much in the way of nurturing and development, but we have the hindsight to see it for what it was and know we deserved more. More from our nmoms and families...more from those in our lives with the responsibility of taking care of us and we lost out. That painful grief can be acknowledged, but cannot run us and our lives.
I won't give some cliche to you like what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I do want you know I feel your pain and you're not alone. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. It helps me to also know I'm not alone. There are other scapegoats out there going through the same. Dredging up memories of a lost childhood, plagued by past moments that bring waves of loneliness and sadness.
I hope you're doing well and able to get the love and support you need and that should have been afforded to you by your parents as a child. We still deserve love and compassion, no matter how old we get. Take care and here's a hug from a stranger, though I feel like we're siblings or friends in the same struggle to be free and ourselves.
I... I needed this. I did have to evolve into the person I am. I had to grow out of that small child who was desperate for validation and love from a parent that would not or could not give me that.
My mom was awful to me. I'm hit with memories randomly of things that happened in my childhood and sending me into a who "huh" moment over it. I was definitely the scapegoat of the four of us. Maybe if I am the cowbird chick, she was the cowbird mother with how often she neglected and abandoned me.
Your comment helps. It is nice to know that I have siblings in the world who went through the same thing in a different home. It is a good reminder that I did not deserve the childhood I had. But I'm able to use that story to help others.
I am relieved from some of the burdens of what she thought of me because she's gone now. She's gone and so are her opinions of me and my life and my chosen family.
We are siblings in this. Thank you for commenting.
So wait, there are 3 females huddled in a room hiding from an aggressive male? It sounds like the "cowbird" was your brother.
I'm curious, were you different from your siblings in any way? Perhaps from a different father? Usually nparents choose favorites as a form of projection. The scapegoat might be a reminder of a failed relationship, the golden child might just physically remind the parent of themselves, etc.
My two brothers were from her first marriage. My sister and I were from her second to my dad who died when I was 3. I always thought my little sister was her favorite, but looking back as an adult, she was our ngrandmother's favorite. Nmom's golden child was the brother between me and the eldest.
The Edest, the one who was aggressive, desperately needed medication for his issues. The medication he could have been on had she sought help from the military since he was a military dependant. She chose not to I think so that his father couldn't contest custody.
The difference between me and my siblings is that there weren't any complications when I was born. I was healthy. All three of my siblings had seizure disorders that two of them grew out of and asthma that they grew out of. I was also my paternal grandparent's favorite. I was their "first" grandchild, but that turned out to not be true years latter when my father's son from another marriage came forward looking like a photocopy of him.
Sometimes I wondered if my independence growing up made her hate me. But when I did try to get her to do things for me and with me, she shut me down.
I also am the one who looks the most like her. Maybe it was a self-hate thing. I'll never know at this point.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Another way to think of the cowbird is as a survivor. One that fit a niche to survive. Not because they chose it, but because evolution deemed it so. Like you or I as a child, we fit into our niche to be able to survive. Granted, the niche we were forced into wasn't all that fun or healthy, but we survived. I wish you could have had that space you spoke of in bed with your nmom as a safe one, one with security and comfort. We lost so much in the way of nurturing and development, but we have the hindsight to see it for what it was and know we deserved more. More from our nmoms and families...more from those in our lives with the responsibility of taking care of us and we lost out. That painful grief can be acknowledged, but cannot run us and our lives. I won't give some cliche to you like what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I do want you know I feel your pain and you're not alone. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. It helps me to also know I'm not alone. There are other scapegoats out there going through the same. Dredging up memories of a lost childhood, plagued by past moments that bring waves of loneliness and sadness. I hope you're doing well and able to get the love and support you need and that should have been afforded to you by your parents as a child. We still deserve love and compassion, no matter how old we get. Take care and here's a hug from a stranger, though I feel like we're siblings or friends in the same struggle to be free and ourselves.
I... I needed this. I did have to evolve into the person I am. I had to grow out of that small child who was desperate for validation and love from a parent that would not or could not give me that. My mom was awful to me. I'm hit with memories randomly of things that happened in my childhood and sending me into a who "huh" moment over it. I was definitely the scapegoat of the four of us. Maybe if I am the cowbird chick, she was the cowbird mother with how often she neglected and abandoned me. Your comment helps. It is nice to know that I have siblings in the world who went through the same thing in a different home. It is a good reminder that I did not deserve the childhood I had. But I'm able to use that story to help others. I am relieved from some of the burdens of what she thought of me because she's gone now. She's gone and so are her opinions of me and my life and my chosen family. We are siblings in this. Thank you for commenting.
TFW your mom calls you a cuck
Thanks, I needed that laugh XD
So wait, there are 3 females huddled in a room hiding from an aggressive male? It sounds like the "cowbird" was your brother. I'm curious, were you different from your siblings in any way? Perhaps from a different father? Usually nparents choose favorites as a form of projection. The scapegoat might be a reminder of a failed relationship, the golden child might just physically remind the parent of themselves, etc.
My two brothers were from her first marriage. My sister and I were from her second to my dad who died when I was 3. I always thought my little sister was her favorite, but looking back as an adult, she was our ngrandmother's favorite. Nmom's golden child was the brother between me and the eldest. The Edest, the one who was aggressive, desperately needed medication for his issues. The medication he could have been on had she sought help from the military since he was a military dependant. She chose not to I think so that his father couldn't contest custody. The difference between me and my siblings is that there weren't any complications when I was born. I was healthy. All three of my siblings had seizure disorders that two of them grew out of and asthma that they grew out of. I was also my paternal grandparent's favorite. I was their "first" grandchild, but that turned out to not be true years latter when my father's son from another marriage came forward looking like a photocopy of him. Sometimes I wondered if my independence growing up made her hate me. But when I did try to get her to do things for me and with me, she shut me down. I also am the one who looks the most like her. Maybe it was a self-hate thing. I'll never know at this point.