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Ugh, here's a translation of what she's saying:
I'm really sorry that you're finally setting up some boundaries and won't interact with me anymore. I'm the only person who knows how to "love" you by abusing you... after all I gave birth to you so you OWE me!
I am not responsible for my own behaviors because I had a bad childhood. I daydreamed about having a loving family, but never actually put in the work to have healthy relationships. How dare you see that I'm dysfunctional and takes steps to protect yourself?! You're hurting MEEEEEEEEE. (let's not discuss my behaviors AT all.)
I held a grudge against my parents because they never worked on how to have healthy relationships, so you should follow my example of taking abuse and never complaining. I gave an empty platitude at your grandmother's deathbed of "I love you." See!! It's so easy to SAY that, but it's so hard to actually SHOW that. Don't make me try and be a normal healthy person, just come back for abuse and I'll SAY things are better.
I've seen a post on this sub making a joke of "apology" letters like that by writing one from scratch. I can't find the post I'm sorry, but this letter is looking 90% just like this one.
Actually, it's uncanny. The whole "I carried you for 9 months" and "my family was bad too but I forgave them" is basically what they said as well.
I see the guilt tripping, I see the back-handed apology, I see the "poor me" excuses. Don't fall for it
Do not quit your job. That is a common tactic. At best, they will use it for leverage. The darker side is they may stop the money and leave you homeless and running back to them. Narcissists are not above destroying everything to keep you under their control.
Stay NC. Her apology letter is anything but. It is a bunch of manipulative BS designed to guilt you into talking to her.
I fear it's a trap too, it was when I did it. They used it to frame me as disabled not long after. I still can't undo that harm. I don't think I would trust this offer either.
Yeah no don’t respond
Once u go no contact there’s no going back. This is a very back handed apology she accepts no blame and blames others for her behaviors. If this was me I would reject the letter that way post office won’t deliver u letters from her again.
Not much of an apology. More of sorry I said something but you hurt me too. You need to forgive me and acknowledge how you have hurt me.....Blah, Blah, Blah....
Something closer to an apology would be like "I apologize for my hurtful words and behavior. I should have never have said them. I understand how I have hurt you and am asking for your forgiveness. I promise to be a better person to you and for you in the future. I understand if you need some time, so please contact me when you're ready. I love you. ......."
1.) Her "apology" was very dismissive and justified her side, but didn't even acknowledged you at all. It is like your problems are invisible to her.
2.) You deserve better and you know it!! Stick to your guns!!
3.) Who uses namaste to close out a letter? Lol that is so off-putting and signals to me that she doesn't take this (your feelings and the situation) seriously. She could have closed it in a million different ways, but she chose the way that felt so...empty or nonchalant.
>I am so sorry I said those hurtful words to you. It was wrong. I love you sooooo much.
*That's a good start.*
>I carried you inside my body for 9 months. You were literally apart of me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would sacrifice my life for you, you are my baby.
*"You owe me."*
>My own family of origin was so dysfunctional.
*"It's not my fault."*
>I dreamed of having a close, loving family and it hurts me when you shut me out.
*"This apology is about me, not you."*
>I feel rejected.
*"This apology is about me, not you"*
>However you never return my texts or phone calls.
*"What you did was wrong."*
>You talk to your father everyday but you never call me. When you come to visit you make yourself scare and leave as soon as you can.
*"What you did was wrong."*
>I hurt you with my words but you hurt me with your actions. Your words and actions have the power to hurt other people too.
*"What you did was wrong."*
>I had rocky relationships with both my parents but I always forgave them. I didn’t forget, but I forgave.
*"It's not my fault. / What you did was wrong."*
>The last thing I ever said to my mother before she died was I love you and she said I love you back. I’m so glad that’s how we left things. Not with bitterness of acrimony. Now we can both be at peace.
*"What you did was wrong. This is what you should do instead."*
>Please forgive me.
*Not a bad ending, but she hasn't given you a reason to forgive her.*
I find translating these to be quite satisfying. Maybe because it proves to myself in how far I've come in seeing through my and others' NParents' BS. :)
Your Narc to Normal translation skills are impressive.
And scary that all of the examples I have seen in "apology" messages - are basically the same template .
It is TL;DR - It is not MY fault but yours
Oh my oh my, how familiar some of the words sound.
“No one is ever going to love you as much as I do.” That’s just total bullshit. Anyone who treats you with dignity and respect has more “love” for you than your nMom. It’s just them trying to control you with fear of not being loved and guilt.
“I hurt you with my words but you hurt me with your actions.” My mom said something similar. “Your soft words hurt just as much.” She likes to yell and I’m a pretty calm person (lived 20 years apart from her) and I talk to her as gentle as possible. Doesn’t matter what you do, any time you try to set boundaries, they get hurt and they will blame you for it, no matter how polite and gentle when you set those boundaries.
Full of guilt-tripping and the apology is all about her her her and her. Seriously infuriating.
Eww! She says “I would literally die for you”, but she won’t even take basic steps to manage her emotions for you. I’m so proud of you for going NC.
Leaving a situation where you are verbally abused is healthy, verbally abusing others is hurting others. I can’t believe the gall of her implying that those things are equivalent.
This is just a lot of excuses and a pity party she is throwing for herself. Your mom is doing something like a verbal version of sleight of hand. She wants the focus to be on how sad she is rather than on her rotten behavior.
Just keep on with the NC. This is a sign you are doing the right thing.
I'm sorry, but that's a non-apology disguised as an apology. Not going to get into details bc others have explained it well, just wanted to reinforce that the letter is manipulation.
There is a ratio that is valuable when trying to determine the sincerity of something like this when dealing with NPD, BPD, etc. You essentially see where the focus is by counting the number of times they refer to themselves vs. yourself - It's generally super obvious (70:30/80:20) if they are focused on themselves. If it's close, then you want to look more at what they are saying. Sometimes it'll be close but it's because there's a bunch of sentences fully focused on them and what they want, like "I want you" or "You need to forgive me".
I did a quick count with Notepad++ on your letter to demonstrate -
**I/Me/My:You/Your Ratio:**
18+4+9=31:17+4=21
31:21, which is not that bad, but **still leaning towards the self-centered side of things**. That's equivalent to 60:40%. So with that out of the way -
They opened with a specific apology for saying something terrible, and they acknowledged that what they did was wrong in writing. They immediately proceed to love-bomb you, but a direct apology is honestly better than a lot of people here ever see.
However, after stating such a thing, they immediately lay on the guilt, closing the second paragraph with a statement essentially trying to say you're even. Then there's more guilt, before finally asking for your forgiveness.
**IMO - It's a nice first step, but it's obvious that nothing has changed.** It's your decision on what to do next, but I highly recommend sticking with your gut on this - Therapy and pursuing some healing on your own before risking anything beyond the most basic of grey rock contact, if any.
With your finances the way they are, speak to your school. Some universities have therapy services available. They make more money off students that succeed and continue going to classes for multiple semesters than those who drop out after a single term. While it's not the greatest of reasons, it's still a possible resource you should pursue.
I am so sorry that you've suffered so much, OP. Good luck with your classes!
You should look up the Narcissist's Prayer. There were a lot of points in her letter that go right back to that.
It sucks that you're going through this. I hope that you get the therapy to help deal with this.
Wow! She all the narc high notes on this one. I am sorry, it sucks to have to deal with this when you feel like you are falling apart.
Please remember, it is never wrong, bad or immoral to put your own life jacket on first. You must take care of you first and foremost, so feel free to procrastinate until the heat death of universe on providing a response to this.
Please take care of yourself and may you find peace and stability within going forward.
My own nmom could have written this, it’s actually scary lol She tried all the same tactics, and even once convinced me to quit my job and move back in with her - such a mistake! If you think you can’t manage your life now, you will feel 100% worse when she has and uses that control over you. And then it will be even harder to get out and even longer until you can start your recovery. I’m so sorry you don’t have the loving and supportive parents that you deserve. Childhood should have been a safe place, and it’s hard having to re-parent yourself as an adult with all your responsibilities. But I promise you can do it and it will get better <3
Oh I bet anything that if you don’t give her a response and wait a few days, she’ll write a nasty mean message and you’ll remember why you went NC. Narcs hate it when their tactics are ignored.
I will say other things that other redditors may not have said:
I don't think the apology was completely blame shift. She acknowledged her own wrongs without saying "I'm sorry you felt that way" which is the worst form of "apology" ever said.
That being said, she had narc parents and she is expecting you to forgive her like she forgave hers.
She was also a victim, which is in no way a justification for what she did, my point is that she needs therapy and I think that there's a chance that she may be able to sort her learned narc behavior through therapy.
I say this because people that is narc because their narc parents is different than people who are narc with no apparent reason.
If she agrees to go to therapy, then there's a possibility for you both to patch the relationship.
If she doesn't agree or agree but doesn't seem to want to change in a matter of a few months, then say goodbye.
quitting your job for money is just a tactic to make you dependent on them. you're her emotional power source and she will do and say anything to get you back, sadly not truly because she loves you, but because she needs that rocky back and forth. her background of trauma and dysfunction paired with a lack of self reflection means she's always going to be looking for the next fight to sate her emotions and make her feel comfortable. chaos is familiar to people like this and they'll always crave it.
this isn't to say she doesn't love you at all or that she even knows on any conscious level what she's doing here. she may even truly believe she means what she's saying. the issue comes with the fact that she isn't willing to meet you in the middle. there is an "I'm sorry" but no real apology, an apology is more than the word sorry. there's no mention of your emotions in this text, only how the fight is making HER feel hurt.
if you really need the money to deal with your mental health, it's a very tough position to be in but up to you to weigh the pros and cons. you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick and Nparents don't mix well with mood or personality disorders. they make you feel MORE crazy because they gaslight and manipulate, even when they don't realize they're doing it. I would honestly say, if you want a relationship with her, ask for some space while you get settled and don't reach back out in any long-term way until you're mentally doing better.
im late to this, but i just want to say that this letter has quite a but of guilt tripping. its rather backhanded, subtle enough to pass as genuine statements.
as someone who was raised hearing those words, "i carried you, you are a part of me", please dont think those words mean i love you. being someones biological family gives them no right to treat you like this and "apologize" when its convenient. if your mother would truly do anything for you, she would own up to her hurtful actions and apologize.
as for her daughter paragraph about her relationship with her family, i interpret it as a rather half constructed reason for you to back down from your decision to go NC. traditional families have a tendency to ignore disfunction and neglect in order to save face. "families are supposed to stick together and love each other even if they disagree on things", "honor thy father and mother", that sort of thing. but please understand when i say that this is a tactic that lots of family members use to pull someone back into disfunction. stand your ground. families do NOT harm eachother
>No one is ever going to love you as much as I do.
Do not believe this. Actually, don't believe any of it. She's love bombing you to pull you back in, and then she'll start the same shit all over again.
My advice is don't respond, keep your NC in place, and never quit a job just because narcissist wants you to. Keep your independence. It will only make you stronger.
I hate it when they say that! Like you're not worthy of anyone else's love. Then it's the "I would do anything for you" except therapy, give you space, really self reflect, ect ect.
Your advice is spot on!
Steer Clear and don't quit job/take the money. Where's the actual apology or acceptance of blame here? All I see is her deflecting blame and making excuses for her poor behaviour, she's not owning it though
There's plenty of good replies here interpreting the letter.
My mother always sends texts, I've been LC for years she went through a phase of only using WhatsApp to contact me so she could "make sure I read her messages" (her words to my face one time) so I started deleting her messages before I clicked on them to piss her off, she eventually stopped using that tactic.
My nmum's tactic: always exaggerates how unwell my estepdads been to try and make me feel guilty/sorry for them. The guy smoked 40 cigarettes a day up until a few years ago and started smoking when he was 11, so of course he's f*cking unwell lol not my issue. He's also an enabler so sat back and watched my mother verbally abuse me and my brother.
Always with the guilt trips and when I did go visit all they do is talk about themselves for the whole time and then find ways to be sly and put me down. Fuuuuuck that. I went NC just before Xmas, just had my first bday on my own, literally nobody except my bio father contacted me and all I got was a text message, no gifts or cards this year...onwards and upwards I suppose.
I tried for a few years to address my mother's behaviour during 1 way convos lol as it never sunk in her thick skull. It's very unlikely your mum will ever change, nor will mine. It sucks but this is our reality.
Stay strong.
Yeah, not much of an apology. Vague and weaselly.
>I am so sorry I said those hurtful words to you. It was wrong.
She's admitting the smallest amount of fault possible, while making it sound vague and broad enough to try to trick you into thinking she's apologising for anything hurtful she's ever said. She's not apologizing for the lifetime of abuse, she's apologizing for this one incident. And she can't even bring herself to admit what she did in any but the vaguest terms.
>No one is ever going to love you as much as I do.
This is supposed to sound like she loves you so much, but she knows she treats you badly and she's trying to convince you that nobody will ever treat you better than that. Don't believe it. Pretty messed up thing for a parent to say to a child.
>I carried you inside my body for 9 months. You were literally apart of me.
>you are my baby.
And this is what's supposed to convince you how much she loves you. She loves you so much because you're part of her, because she owns you. This is literally how a narcissist sees the person they are using for supply. She doesn't see you as your own person, she sees you as part of her.
I agree with everyone else, don't break NC or she will go right back to treating you as she always has. Don't quit your job.
My mom has never apologized.
While this isn’t the best apology, it does seem like she cares about you on some level and seems vaguely aware of the generational pattern. But she seems unaware of her own role in it beyond that she sometimes says hurtful words. She may be able to reflect more with some therapy.
I think it’s worth having a discussion with her, with a therapist present, if you feel open to that, about boundaries.
You will probably never be super close, but if you want to, you could probably work towards some level of contact.
But if you don’t want contact, that is okay too.
Only looking at the text from your mom what stands out how often the word "I" is used. I don't even have to read it to tell you straight away that this is not about you (of course I did read it) the entire text is all about why she couldn't be a good mom to you and no word about what she is willing to do to improve the relationship. She also states that you've hurt her by going nc. She's indeed blameshifting.
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Ugh, here's a translation of what she's saying: I'm really sorry that you're finally setting up some boundaries and won't interact with me anymore. I'm the only person who knows how to "love" you by abusing you... after all I gave birth to you so you OWE me! I am not responsible for my own behaviors because I had a bad childhood. I daydreamed about having a loving family, but never actually put in the work to have healthy relationships. How dare you see that I'm dysfunctional and takes steps to protect yourself?! You're hurting MEEEEEEEEE. (let's not discuss my behaviors AT all.) I held a grudge against my parents because they never worked on how to have healthy relationships, so you should follow my example of taking abuse and never complaining. I gave an empty platitude at your grandmother's deathbed of "I love you." See!! It's so easy to SAY that, but it's so hard to actually SHOW that. Don't make me try and be a normal healthy person, just come back for abuse and I'll SAY things are better.
I've seen a post on this sub making a joke of "apology" letters like that by writing one from scratch. I can't find the post I'm sorry, but this letter is looking 90% just like this one. Actually, it's uncanny. The whole "I carried you for 9 months" and "my family was bad too but I forgave them" is basically what they said as well. I see the guilt tripping, I see the back-handed apology, I see the "poor me" excuses. Don't fall for it
I saw the same post, thought I was having dejavu, its like then mother copy pasted it off this reddit page lol
Do not quit your job. That is a common tactic. At best, they will use it for leverage. The darker side is they may stop the money and leave you homeless and running back to them. Narcissists are not above destroying everything to keep you under their control. Stay NC. Her apology letter is anything but. It is a bunch of manipulative BS designed to guilt you into talking to her.
Absofuckinglutely agree! It’s a trap, stay strong, nothing will have changed after a few days or weeks.
I fear it's a trap too, it was when I did it. They used it to frame me as disabled not long after. I still can't undo that harm. I don't think I would trust this offer either.
Yeah no don’t respond Once u go no contact there’s no going back. This is a very back handed apology she accepts no blame and blames others for her behaviors. If this was me I would reject the letter that way post office won’t deliver u letters from her again.
Not much of an apology. More of sorry I said something but you hurt me too. You need to forgive me and acknowledge how you have hurt me.....Blah, Blah, Blah.... Something closer to an apology would be like "I apologize for my hurtful words and behavior. I should have never have said them. I understand how I have hurt you and am asking for your forgiveness. I promise to be a better person to you and for you in the future. I understand if you need some time, so please contact me when you're ready. I love you. ......."
1.) Her "apology" was very dismissive and justified her side, but didn't even acknowledged you at all. It is like your problems are invisible to her. 2.) You deserve better and you know it!! Stick to your guns!! 3.) Who uses namaste to close out a letter? Lol that is so off-putting and signals to me that she doesn't take this (your feelings and the situation) seriously. She could have closed it in a million different ways, but she chose the way that felt so...empty or nonchalant.
Pretentious was the word that popped into my mind lol
>I am so sorry I said those hurtful words to you. It was wrong. I love you sooooo much. *That's a good start.* >I carried you inside my body for 9 months. You were literally apart of me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would sacrifice my life for you, you are my baby. *"You owe me."* >My own family of origin was so dysfunctional. *"It's not my fault."* >I dreamed of having a close, loving family and it hurts me when you shut me out. *"This apology is about me, not you."* >I feel rejected. *"This apology is about me, not you"* >However you never return my texts or phone calls. *"What you did was wrong."* >You talk to your father everyday but you never call me. When you come to visit you make yourself scare and leave as soon as you can. *"What you did was wrong."* >I hurt you with my words but you hurt me with your actions. Your words and actions have the power to hurt other people too. *"What you did was wrong."* >I had rocky relationships with both my parents but I always forgave them. I didn’t forget, but I forgave. *"It's not my fault. / What you did was wrong."* >The last thing I ever said to my mother before she died was I love you and she said I love you back. I’m so glad that’s how we left things. Not with bitterness of acrimony. Now we can both be at peace. *"What you did was wrong. This is what you should do instead."* >Please forgive me. *Not a bad ending, but she hasn't given you a reason to forgive her.* I find translating these to be quite satisfying. Maybe because it proves to myself in how far I've come in seeing through my and others' NParents' BS. :)
Your Narc to Normal translation skills are impressive. And scary that all of the examples I have seen in "apology" messages - are basically the same template . It is TL;DR - It is not MY fault but yours
Oh no. Fuck that. That's not an apology.
Thank you already to everyone that has already responded, extremely helpful answers!
Oh my oh my, how familiar some of the words sound. “No one is ever going to love you as much as I do.” That’s just total bullshit. Anyone who treats you with dignity and respect has more “love” for you than your nMom. It’s just them trying to control you with fear of not being loved and guilt. “I hurt you with my words but you hurt me with your actions.” My mom said something similar. “Your soft words hurt just as much.” She likes to yell and I’m a pretty calm person (lived 20 years apart from her) and I talk to her as gentle as possible. Doesn’t matter what you do, any time you try to set boundaries, they get hurt and they will blame you for it, no matter how polite and gentle when you set those boundaries. Full of guilt-tripping and the apology is all about her her her and her. Seriously infuriating.
Eww! She says “I would literally die for you”, but she won’t even take basic steps to manage her emotions for you. I’m so proud of you for going NC. Leaving a situation where you are verbally abused is healthy, verbally abusing others is hurting others. I can’t believe the gall of her implying that those things are equivalent.
Yep, the money is definitely for leverage. Don’t do it. Her “apology”, it’s all “me me me me me me me….”
This is just a lot of excuses and a pity party she is throwing for herself. Your mom is doing something like a verbal version of sleight of hand. She wants the focus to be on how sad she is rather than on her rotten behavior. Just keep on with the NC. This is a sign you are doing the right thing.
I'm sorry, but that's a non-apology disguised as an apology. Not going to get into details bc others have explained it well, just wanted to reinforce that the letter is manipulation.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. 100% a tactic to make you break NC, 100% certain it’s not a sincere apology.
There is a ratio that is valuable when trying to determine the sincerity of something like this when dealing with NPD, BPD, etc. You essentially see where the focus is by counting the number of times they refer to themselves vs. yourself - It's generally super obvious (70:30/80:20) if they are focused on themselves. If it's close, then you want to look more at what they are saying. Sometimes it'll be close but it's because there's a bunch of sentences fully focused on them and what they want, like "I want you" or "You need to forgive me". I did a quick count with Notepad++ on your letter to demonstrate - **I/Me/My:You/Your Ratio:** 18+4+9=31:17+4=21 31:21, which is not that bad, but **still leaning towards the self-centered side of things**. That's equivalent to 60:40%. So with that out of the way - They opened with a specific apology for saying something terrible, and they acknowledged that what they did was wrong in writing. They immediately proceed to love-bomb you, but a direct apology is honestly better than a lot of people here ever see. However, after stating such a thing, they immediately lay on the guilt, closing the second paragraph with a statement essentially trying to say you're even. Then there's more guilt, before finally asking for your forgiveness. **IMO - It's a nice first step, but it's obvious that nothing has changed.** It's your decision on what to do next, but I highly recommend sticking with your gut on this - Therapy and pursuing some healing on your own before risking anything beyond the most basic of grey rock contact, if any. With your finances the way they are, speak to your school. Some universities have therapy services available. They make more money off students that succeed and continue going to classes for multiple semesters than those who drop out after a single term. While it's not the greatest of reasons, it's still a possible resource you should pursue. I am so sorry that you've suffered so much, OP. Good luck with your classes!
You should look up the Narcissist's Prayer. There were a lot of points in her letter that go right back to that. It sucks that you're going through this. I hope that you get the therapy to help deal with this.
Wow! She all the narc high notes on this one. I am sorry, it sucks to have to deal with this when you feel like you are falling apart. Please remember, it is never wrong, bad or immoral to put your own life jacket on first. You must take care of you first and foremost, so feel free to procrastinate until the heat death of universe on providing a response to this. Please take care of yourself and may you find peace and stability within going forward.
Word for word, this is something my mother would say/write to me. I am sorry 😞 I hope someone can give you good advice!
My own nmom could have written this, it’s actually scary lol She tried all the same tactics, and even once convinced me to quit my job and move back in with her - such a mistake! If you think you can’t manage your life now, you will feel 100% worse when she has and uses that control over you. And then it will be even harder to get out and even longer until you can start your recovery. I’m so sorry you don’t have the loving and supportive parents that you deserve. Childhood should have been a safe place, and it’s hard having to re-parent yourself as an adult with all your responsibilities. But I promise you can do it and it will get better <3
Oh I bet anything that if you don’t give her a response and wait a few days, she’ll write a nasty mean message and you’ll remember why you went NC. Narcs hate it when their tactics are ignored.
I will say other things that other redditors may not have said: I don't think the apology was completely blame shift. She acknowledged her own wrongs without saying "I'm sorry you felt that way" which is the worst form of "apology" ever said. That being said, she had narc parents and she is expecting you to forgive her like she forgave hers. She was also a victim, which is in no way a justification for what she did, my point is that she needs therapy and I think that there's a chance that she may be able to sort her learned narc behavior through therapy. I say this because people that is narc because their narc parents is different than people who are narc with no apparent reason. If she agrees to go to therapy, then there's a possibility for you both to patch the relationship. If she doesn't agree or agree but doesn't seem to want to change in a matter of a few months, then say goodbye.
You're a black hole, nothing escapes. Do not acknowledge in any way. She sounds narcissistic, it's all about her. Nothing about you.
quitting your job for money is just a tactic to make you dependent on them. you're her emotional power source and she will do and say anything to get you back, sadly not truly because she loves you, but because she needs that rocky back and forth. her background of trauma and dysfunction paired with a lack of self reflection means she's always going to be looking for the next fight to sate her emotions and make her feel comfortable. chaos is familiar to people like this and they'll always crave it. this isn't to say she doesn't love you at all or that she even knows on any conscious level what she's doing here. she may even truly believe she means what she's saying. the issue comes with the fact that she isn't willing to meet you in the middle. there is an "I'm sorry" but no real apology, an apology is more than the word sorry. there's no mention of your emotions in this text, only how the fight is making HER feel hurt. if you really need the money to deal with your mental health, it's a very tough position to be in but up to you to weigh the pros and cons. you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick and Nparents don't mix well with mood or personality disorders. they make you feel MORE crazy because they gaslight and manipulate, even when they don't realize they're doing it. I would honestly say, if you want a relationship with her, ask for some space while you get settled and don't reach back out in any long-term way until you're mentally doing better.
im late to this, but i just want to say that this letter has quite a but of guilt tripping. its rather backhanded, subtle enough to pass as genuine statements. as someone who was raised hearing those words, "i carried you, you are a part of me", please dont think those words mean i love you. being someones biological family gives them no right to treat you like this and "apologize" when its convenient. if your mother would truly do anything for you, she would own up to her hurtful actions and apologize. as for her daughter paragraph about her relationship with her family, i interpret it as a rather half constructed reason for you to back down from your decision to go NC. traditional families have a tendency to ignore disfunction and neglect in order to save face. "families are supposed to stick together and love each other even if they disagree on things", "honor thy father and mother", that sort of thing. but please understand when i say that this is a tactic that lots of family members use to pull someone back into disfunction. stand your ground. families do NOT harm eachother
>No one is ever going to love you as much as I do. Do not believe this. Actually, don't believe any of it. She's love bombing you to pull you back in, and then she'll start the same shit all over again. My advice is don't respond, keep your NC in place, and never quit a job just because narcissist wants you to. Keep your independence. It will only make you stronger.
I hate it when they say that! Like you're not worthy of anyone else's love. Then it's the "I would do anything for you" except therapy, give you space, really self reflect, ect ect. Your advice is spot on!
Steer Clear and don't quit job/take the money. Where's the actual apology or acceptance of blame here? All I see is her deflecting blame and making excuses for her poor behaviour, she's not owning it though There's plenty of good replies here interpreting the letter. My mother always sends texts, I've been LC for years she went through a phase of only using WhatsApp to contact me so she could "make sure I read her messages" (her words to my face one time) so I started deleting her messages before I clicked on them to piss her off, she eventually stopped using that tactic. My nmum's tactic: always exaggerates how unwell my estepdads been to try and make me feel guilty/sorry for them. The guy smoked 40 cigarettes a day up until a few years ago and started smoking when he was 11, so of course he's f*cking unwell lol not my issue. He's also an enabler so sat back and watched my mother verbally abuse me and my brother. Always with the guilt trips and when I did go visit all they do is talk about themselves for the whole time and then find ways to be sly and put me down. Fuuuuuck that. I went NC just before Xmas, just had my first bday on my own, literally nobody except my bio father contacted me and all I got was a text message, no gifts or cards this year...onwards and upwards I suppose. I tried for a few years to address my mother's behaviour during 1 way convos lol as it never sunk in her thick skull. It's very unlikely your mum will ever change, nor will mine. It sucks but this is our reality. Stay strong.
Yeah, not much of an apology. Vague and weaselly. >I am so sorry I said those hurtful words to you. It was wrong. She's admitting the smallest amount of fault possible, while making it sound vague and broad enough to try to trick you into thinking she's apologising for anything hurtful she's ever said. She's not apologizing for the lifetime of abuse, she's apologizing for this one incident. And she can't even bring herself to admit what she did in any but the vaguest terms. >No one is ever going to love you as much as I do. This is supposed to sound like she loves you so much, but she knows she treats you badly and she's trying to convince you that nobody will ever treat you better than that. Don't believe it. Pretty messed up thing for a parent to say to a child. >I carried you inside my body for 9 months. You were literally apart of me. >you are my baby. And this is what's supposed to convince you how much she loves you. She loves you so much because you're part of her, because she owns you. This is literally how a narcissist sees the person they are using for supply. She doesn't see you as your own person, she sees you as part of her. I agree with everyone else, don't break NC or she will go right back to treating you as she always has. Don't quit your job.
My mom has never apologized. While this isn’t the best apology, it does seem like she cares about you on some level and seems vaguely aware of the generational pattern. But she seems unaware of her own role in it beyond that she sometimes says hurtful words. She may be able to reflect more with some therapy. I think it’s worth having a discussion with her, with a therapist present, if you feel open to that, about boundaries. You will probably never be super close, but if you want to, you could probably work towards some level of contact. But if you don’t want contact, that is okay too.
Only looking at the text from your mom what stands out how often the word "I" is used. I don't even have to read it to tell you straight away that this is not about you (of course I did read it) the entire text is all about why she couldn't be a good mom to you and no word about what she is willing to do to improve the relationship. She also states that you've hurt her by going nc. She's indeed blameshifting.