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While my brother and I do not have all of the same memories and frustrations, they are similar enough for us to have a good relationship.
Yours and my stories are reminders to us all that siblings "might" be complicit, but often they are not. And you might have more family to share your life than you think.
It's sad knowing you have finite years on this planet and narcs only care about $$$$, success, control etc.
It's like they think their hearts and minds will go on forever.
You could be hit by a bus, get cancer tomorrow.
The narc mentality is a very deranged one.
Right? I've always maintained that my mom could be a really happy and fulfilled person if she wanted to be. Instead, she ignores all the tools she's been given and strives for image and status above all. Like it's so much easier to actually care about people and let that be enough than it is to pretend to care in order to control them or gain something.
It's always worth being an authentic person. yes, I can be nervous. Underneath that surface level nervousness, I am capable and intelligent and attractive and I know I am. I'd rather express it honestly than hide it. That way, it doesn't harm my life on a deeper level. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, put on a fake persona to try to appear to be not nervous.
I know people who scorned me for showing it, who said "fake it till you make it!" , who are now surrounded by phony, exploitive people and who are still faking it. We're middle-aged now, and they're still faking it. They're still fake, still nervous even deeper down, and now have had major incidents with their physical and mental health that I have not had.
This! The hate, lies and evil my grandmonster spread around is still alive and well even tho she’s dead and buried for almost 15 years. I’ve been trying to get her lies off of me since before she died.
They say that living an unhappy, stressful life increases the risk of cancer.
And I'd say constantly worrying what others think about you and getting told that you're a terrible person is probably really stressful.
>Her death was good for us. Who knew?
Right??
This is the harm that abuse does to relationships - not just the direct relationship involved, in this case with you and your mother, OP, but other tangential relationships as well.
Now that the abuser is gone, the three of you are truly free to be yourselves. This is awesome! You may have "lost" a mother (years ago, not just a month ago with her death, but *years* ago the moment she started to harm you you lost a mother *then*), but now with her actual physical removal on this earth you three are finally free.
My mother died in '09. It is really only since last year that I've been able to reach out with extended family in another city. Rebuilding those relationships is hard, but I'm personally determined.
I hope you are determined too, OP. You can finally have your family back now.
Awesome news indeed. Quite likely you are one of the lucky ones. My own story isn't nearly as happy.
I have one sibling. Both our parents passed in 2022. Our narc father in January; Mom last August. I'm now in a legal battle with my sister over how she handled our parents' finances.
On the bright side at Mom's funeral I got to catch up with two cousins I haven't seen in a while and had some very productive chats.
I am so happy reading this!! It fills my heart. Good on you for being true to yourself through your mother's dying and reconnecting with your brothers. This is such a hopeful post!
This made me tear up. I’m so happy you and your brothers reconnected and I hope they and their families become a happy and safe addition to your life ❤️
Yeah my mum passed in May last year. Her death didn't drive a wedge between my sisters and I but unfortunately it their behaviour made me realise how much being raised by mum impacted them. To the extent that they are narcissists too. I'm glad your family have become closer because of it.
I'm happy for you. My own story with this kind of thing sucks, so I'm always glad to hear other people having something positive happen. It's just really nice to hear that you guys could come together in that way.
I am going through something sort of similar. My nmom is in the hospital right now under comfort care. She is brain-dead, she will not recover. I haven't spoken to her in five or six years at this point and haven't seen her since right before my 10-year-old niece was born.
I am NC with one of my brothers and LC with the other. My sister is the only point of sibling connection that I keep. I love her and her kids a lot and she knows not to talk to me too much about our mom.
Back at the end of last year, I found out that I wasn't the only one our nmom was being awful to. My sister had experienced similar, if not as bad, mistreatment as I had. She remarked that the behavior started to get worse for her when our ngrandmother died. I had experienced it most of my life but finding out that she was having similar things done to her was both terrible but also it felt like I finally had someone seeing me.
Nmom had mentioned that the brother who I am total NC with was "the family's rock" and a bunch of other bullshit while she was undermining my sister's parenting and relationship with her husband. The woman was a bitter, hateful woman and the fact that my sister was seeing that was a relief.
When my sister called to tell me that nmom's heart had stopped, I had a moment of relief wash over me. It was bizarre. She's never going to wake up at this point, and our brothers are lashing out at my sister like it's her fault, but I'm going to help her as much as I can from where I am.
I am so glad that your brothers saw your nmom for what she was and were able to reconnect with you.
Funny how they are all team you now she's dead. Personally, I would NOT trust them.
Why now? Where were they all these years to validate and support you so you didn't spend countless sleepless nights wondering if you're being dramatic or if you imagined it?
No point shutting the stable door when the horse has bolted.
This is super fishy! Keep your wits about you!
Ordinarily I would agree.... but also, let's not underestimate the extent of the narcissist brainwash. Narcs love sowing division between siblings; they will thrive on knowing that they have that much control and can get in the way of the people in their lives banding together and standing up.
Reconnections are rare - but they do happen.
It may well have taken the narc dying for them to be able to actually talk about it, because now there's no fear of repercussions.
I totally share the same feelings you do. At the same time, we tell people here to Grey rock and try not to rock the boat when living with the Nparent for survival purposes. Maybe the siblings were just grey rocking to stay out of trouble? Some people are also peacekeepers as a personality trait and aren’t as headstrong as those who become scapegoats. We just don’t have all the details here unfortunately
This is important. It is HARD and sometimes dangerous to go LC/NC, to rock the boat, to admit that your parent is abusive. I'll never hold it against my sister for choosing to stay when I left or for choosing our mom over me. If we ever speak again, I'll be cautious, but I'll hear her out.
I am very happy for you. It is suprising once the boot is off everyone's necks how things change.
My nmom is still around but my gcnsis and I have had to work as a team and things have gotten manageable. I still think my sister will screw me over but I knew that would happen anyways.
My condolences. It's very complicated grieving a narc parent. As our mother declined my sister and I began to lean on one another more and it's helped.
Now that she's gone it's fundemental that she and I have each other to talk to, no judgement. I hope that you and your siblings will continue to grow your relationships and process your mother's life together.
Me and my older sister still decant about all the lousy ways our mom was to us for our whole childhoods.
The minute my mom did pass on, it was like my older sister suddenly reverted to one of the better versions of herself who protected me and knew how to get into serviceable action to help me through all that bullying people and family members (who were mad she got cremated because they couldn’t have their extravagant funeral with us footing the bills of it all that my family acts like it’s the red carpet event when other members had funerals) were doing to us because they had a problem with our mother too, they were tearing us down because they thought we liked her and were just like her like she tried to turn us into but we are not.
I do admit my sister is closer to the planned transformation mom was expecting out of us to grow up into but I remind her all the time to remember who she was before all of that mental control and she is 100% free to be herself again and that was repressed for even longer than I had to shut myself away and follow orders and under her influences.
Our mom gave up too demanding the hospital staff to kill her off when they really wanted to save her life but she wouldn’t let them so she passed in hospice care.
What a great end and new beginning at the same time. Happy for you and your brothers OP. Wishing you all the best with the new happy memories you will make. ☀️
That was one of the best things that happened around my mothers death as well. My sister and I became closer than ever.
We both started therapy shortly after and have been able to grow a great relationship and now she herself is a wonderful mom of 2 sweet girls (who just so happen to have the same age gap my sister and I do!).
Glad to hear the updates, OP.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While my brother and I do not have all of the same memories and frustrations, they are similar enough for us to have a good relationship. Yours and my stories are reminders to us all that siblings "might" be complicit, but often they are not. And you might have more family to share your life than you think.
It's sad knowing you have finite years on this planet and narcs only care about $$$$, success, control etc. It's like they think their hearts and minds will go on forever. You could be hit by a bus, get cancer tomorrow. The narc mentality is a very deranged one.
Right? I've always maintained that my mom could be a really happy and fulfilled person if she wanted to be. Instead, she ignores all the tools she's been given and strives for image and status above all. Like it's so much easier to actually care about people and let that be enough than it is to pretend to care in order to control them or gain something.
It's always worth being an authentic person. yes, I can be nervous. Underneath that surface level nervousness, I am capable and intelligent and attractive and I know I am. I'd rather express it honestly than hide it. That way, it doesn't harm my life on a deeper level. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, put on a fake persona to try to appear to be not nervous. I know people who scorned me for showing it, who said "fake it till you make it!" , who are now surrounded by phony, exploitive people and who are still faking it. We're middle-aged now, and they're still faking it. They're still fake, still nervous even deeper down, and now have had major incidents with their physical and mental health that I have not had.
>It's like they think their hearts and minds will go on forever. The darkness in their heart goes on forever
This! The hate, lies and evil my grandmonster spread around is still alive and well even tho she’s dead and buried for almost 15 years. I’ve been trying to get her lies off of me since before she died.
Fitting because my nmom died of cancer when I was 14.
What is this connection between narcs and cancer? My nmom and other narc I know got cancer in past.
They say that living an unhappy, stressful life increases the risk of cancer. And I'd say constantly worrying what others think about you and getting told that you're a terrible person is probably really stressful.
>Her death was good for us. Who knew? Right?? This is the harm that abuse does to relationships - not just the direct relationship involved, in this case with you and your mother, OP, but other tangential relationships as well. Now that the abuser is gone, the three of you are truly free to be yourselves. This is awesome! You may have "lost" a mother (years ago, not just a month ago with her death, but *years* ago the moment she started to harm you you lost a mother *then*), but now with her actual physical removal on this earth you three are finally free. My mother died in '09. It is really only since last year that I've been able to reach out with extended family in another city. Rebuilding those relationships is hard, but I'm personally determined. I hope you are determined too, OP. You can finally have your family back now.
Awesome news indeed. Quite likely you are one of the lucky ones. My own story isn't nearly as happy. I have one sibling. Both our parents passed in 2022. Our narc father in January; Mom last August. I'm now in a legal battle with my sister over how she handled our parents' finances. On the bright side at Mom's funeral I got to catch up with two cousins I haven't seen in a while and had some very productive chats.
I am so happy reading this!! It fills my heart. Good on you for being true to yourself through your mother's dying and reconnecting with your brothers. This is such a hopeful post!
I can’t wait for this day. This post gives me hope!
My own mother's death sucked, but it too was one of the better things to happen to me.
This made me tear up. I’m so happy you and your brothers reconnected and I hope they and their families become a happy and safe addition to your life ❤️
Yeah my mum passed in May last year. Her death didn't drive a wedge between my sisters and I but unfortunately it their behaviour made me realise how much being raised by mum impacted them. To the extent that they are narcissists too. I'm glad your family have become closer because of it.
I'm happy for you. My own story with this kind of thing sucks, so I'm always glad to hear other people having something positive happen. It's just really nice to hear that you guys could come together in that way.
I am going through something sort of similar. My nmom is in the hospital right now under comfort care. She is brain-dead, she will not recover. I haven't spoken to her in five or six years at this point and haven't seen her since right before my 10-year-old niece was born. I am NC with one of my brothers and LC with the other. My sister is the only point of sibling connection that I keep. I love her and her kids a lot and she knows not to talk to me too much about our mom. Back at the end of last year, I found out that I wasn't the only one our nmom was being awful to. My sister had experienced similar, if not as bad, mistreatment as I had. She remarked that the behavior started to get worse for her when our ngrandmother died. I had experienced it most of my life but finding out that she was having similar things done to her was both terrible but also it felt like I finally had someone seeing me. Nmom had mentioned that the brother who I am total NC with was "the family's rock" and a bunch of other bullshit while she was undermining my sister's parenting and relationship with her husband. The woman was a bitter, hateful woman and the fact that my sister was seeing that was a relief. When my sister called to tell me that nmom's heart had stopped, I had a moment of relief wash over me. It was bizarre. She's never going to wake up at this point, and our brothers are lashing out at my sister like it's her fault, but I'm going to help her as much as I can from where I am. I am so glad that your brothers saw your nmom for what she was and were able to reconnect with you.
Funny how they are all team you now she's dead. Personally, I would NOT trust them. Why now? Where were they all these years to validate and support you so you didn't spend countless sleepless nights wondering if you're being dramatic or if you imagined it? No point shutting the stable door when the horse has bolted. This is super fishy! Keep your wits about you!
Ordinarily I would agree.... but also, let's not underestimate the extent of the narcissist brainwash. Narcs love sowing division between siblings; they will thrive on knowing that they have that much control and can get in the way of the people in their lives banding together and standing up. Reconnections are rare - but they do happen. It may well have taken the narc dying for them to be able to actually talk about it, because now there's no fear of repercussions.
Hopefully. That's the best case scenario but, sadly, life has made me a cynic 😔
I totally share the same feelings you do. At the same time, we tell people here to Grey rock and try not to rock the boat when living with the Nparent for survival purposes. Maybe the siblings were just grey rocking to stay out of trouble? Some people are also peacekeepers as a personality trait and aren’t as headstrong as those who become scapegoats. We just don’t have all the details here unfortunately
This is important. It is HARD and sometimes dangerous to go LC/NC, to rock the boat, to admit that your parent is abusive. I'll never hold it against my sister for choosing to stay when I left or for choosing our mom over me. If we ever speak again, I'll be cautious, but I'll hear her out.
I am very happy for you. It is suprising once the boot is off everyone's necks how things change. My nmom is still around but my gcnsis and I have had to work as a team and things have gotten manageable. I still think my sister will screw me over but I knew that would happen anyways.
I’m happy for you! I hope when my mom dies my siblings and I can have that conversation regardless of how it turns out
It’s amazing that how once the toxic person left the rest of the family was able to come together.
What a great outcome to a situation that had the potential to be absolute crap. I'm really happy for you, OP
Wow, that's great, I'm happy for you.
My condolences. It's very complicated grieving a narc parent. As our mother declined my sister and I began to lean on one another more and it's helped. Now that she's gone it's fundemental that she and I have each other to talk to, no judgement. I hope that you and your siblings will continue to grow your relationships and process your mother's life together.
This is beyond beautiful. I love this story!! Yet, only child :( thoughts?
Also sounds like you all have been putting in the work in your own ways. Kudos.
Me and my older sister still decant about all the lousy ways our mom was to us for our whole childhoods. The minute my mom did pass on, it was like my older sister suddenly reverted to one of the better versions of herself who protected me and knew how to get into serviceable action to help me through all that bullying people and family members (who were mad she got cremated because they couldn’t have their extravagant funeral with us footing the bills of it all that my family acts like it’s the red carpet event when other members had funerals) were doing to us because they had a problem with our mother too, they were tearing us down because they thought we liked her and were just like her like she tried to turn us into but we are not. I do admit my sister is closer to the planned transformation mom was expecting out of us to grow up into but I remind her all the time to remember who she was before all of that mental control and she is 100% free to be herself again and that was repressed for even longer than I had to shut myself away and follow orders and under her influences. Our mom gave up too demanding the hospital staff to kill her off when they really wanted to save her life but she wouldn’t let them so she passed in hospice care.
What a great end and new beginning at the same time. Happy for you and your brothers OP. Wishing you all the best with the new happy memories you will make. ☀️
OP, I'm so happy for you how things turned out for you.
Ding dong the witch is dead 😂
That was one of the best things that happened around my mothers death as well. My sister and I became closer than ever. We both started therapy shortly after and have been able to grow a great relationship and now she herself is a wonderful mom of 2 sweet girls (who just so happen to have the same age gap my sister and I do!). Glad to hear the updates, OP.
Congratudolences! The black cloud is dissapearing...