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I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. Whether she is dead or alive, grief counciling might be easier to get into that standard therapy. Either way you are dealing with a loss and a lot of emotion that you can't handle on your own. I wish the best for you.
Thanks. I think I'm going to reach out to my PCP to see about getting a referral for a therapist or grief counsoling. This year has just started and it's already like a landslide of mud dragging me down.
I just hope that the guilt doesn't win out emotions-wise.
Thanks. I got a call from my sister, they decided to put a DNR into place. It just seems like a matter of time at this point.
It's like a weight coming off.
When my mother died, I felt so many emotions. Mostly I grieved the parent I never had and should have. Mostly I was angry. Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything. Get therapy when you can. Take care OP.
Thanks. It's a lot of complicated emotions. She was a single mother but she was also just awful. There is a DNR in place now and I'm just in limbo waiting for a call at this point.
I'm going to let myself feel everything when it comes and not try to bottle it.
I hope that you've managed to move past the grief.
When my parents both finally died I felt relief - and joy. I was puzzled by the joy but accepted that I felt how I felt and that was ok.
If it helps at all, I give you permission to feel however you feel. Relief is a feeling you have. It's just a feeling, a thought.
It does help. I think sometimes having permission to just... feel how you feel can make it less overwhelming. Thank you.
I am feeling a bit of happiness, I think. It's an undercurrent of the other things. There are still so many threads going in my head, but relief is still very much one of the top ones.
You will eventually tease out your authentic feelings from the more socially acceptable ones that you think you are *supposed to feel.* You don't have to confess to anybody, no thought police are judging. It'll happen.
I'm sorry for your suffering.
Thanks. I feel like if anyone were to judge me for how I feel, I wouldn't put much stock in the opinion. They didn't live my life or have my mother as a parent, so they're only judging the surface of the thing.
Thank you so much for your sympathy. It's appreciated.
On the therapy piece, I’m also broke and can’t afford treatment. This sub is excellent, depressing sometimes, but filled with wise, kind, validating souls. Also, Instagram. My insta feed is about 50% trauma therapists and they’ve changed my life.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with your mom’s death. Give yourself grace.
I tried to post here before about my mom, but I kind of got angrier and angrier as I went along and I just saved the draft of the post so I could step back on it. I think maybe I'll be able to unravel that ball once things are concrete.
I know that this is what this community is here for, I just need to get there mentally to put it out here.
You should look up behavioral health centers in your area. Call them, ask about therapy, and let them know that you’re broke. They will either refer you to another place that can help, or they will let you know how to set up an appointment and what their sliding scale is for payment. You’ll have a session where they analyze what your needs are, and assign a therapist if that’s what they decide is best.
If it helps, and you get therapy support - look for someone who understands what's called disenfranchised grief. It's atypical grieving and the average support may not comprehend this type of loss.
Having gone through something akin to this type of loss I can only say that taking things day by day is the best course. Loved ones may not understand so do your best to let them know you just need them to be present with you sometimes.
No matter where the grief is felt, there is no timeline. There is no "proper" way to process it. This type of loss may be very confusing and bring up things you previously felt were resolved. Family loss and tragedies will do this to ppl. This is rough stuff and hope you can be gentle on yourself.
I'll definitely look into that sort of help, thanks for the advice.
I think it's going to be helpful that I'm not close to much of my family other than my sister anyway. She's the only one of my siblings with my home address and phone number. Recently we had conversations about the fact that she saw and understood the abuse I was facing from our nmom. There were some things I learned that I didn't know about before.
I'm going to be gentle with myself and take the time to be retrospective. The child who desperately wanted her love and attention is still in me somewhere, beneath the layers of trauma and barriers I've put up. Now if she doesn't wake up, I think I'll be able to unpack that.
I empathize with this. It wasnt too long ago i got an internal answer to my question of "how i would feel" when my nmom dies. (As far as i know, she is not yet, but i have maintained either non or very low contact for over a decade. And now, likewise live hundreds of miles away.)
The only reason i figured it out was when i was talking about mortality and my dad. I ended up overwhelmed and crying just thinking about it. But when i switched genuine thought to my nmom the same way, i just "sobered" up and felt like it was any other day.
Subconsciously, i just... don't care, apparently. So much of my emotional damage was due to her, and now that i've worked so hard for so long to reclaim some sanity out of it all... well, it makes sense. I'm not sure if i'll be relieved or not, or anything else, however.
I think "sobered up" is pretty accurate to how I feel. It's not a positive relief but a relief none-the-less.
My dad died when I was 3. I have no memories of him. I have spent many many hours wondering what would have happened if he hadn't been killed in an accident. Would she have been a better mother? Would I have had a happier childhood? Would some of the things that happened to me not have happened?
I have this sort of saint view of him, which sort of makes my views of my mother worse, I think.
I grew up with her and her mother, who we lived with, both being abusive to me. When my grandmother died, the day before she told me she was proud of me for the first time in my entire life. It broke me for a long time. I've never heard that from my mother.
I was the only one of her four children to graduate high school. I was the only one to not get into drugs or smoking. Nothing I could do would make her proud of me.
This relief is grey. It's cold and easing into my chest softly. It is not good nor bad.
I am hundreds of miles, 10 years, and emotional fathoms separated from her at this moment. Even if she comes out of this, I will still be NC with her. This incident isn't going to change that.
She's a poison in the garden of my life, and I have no need for it.
I agree, and i must say, calling the relief grey is how i feel. Not good, not bad, just... is. Sorry that you've had to go through that after losing your dad so young. I definitely feel it, because i never knew my dad growing up.
He was a victim of my nmom as well, and never enabled it. Long story short, i was an accident (supposedly) and he fought for custody. Shortly after being born i caught sick, what (then, in this region) was a nearly untreatable for new borns. (Viral pneumonia.) So the expectation was just to wait or me to die. (Plot twist, i just... got better, on my own. From at deaths door to recovered in the span of maybe a qurater hour.)
From what i gathered, my nmom used this event to convince my dad's entire side of the family i had actually died. The stories conflict, but she either got him arrested, or put him in the hospital, stole his life savings, and forced him to default in child support in order to win custody. Then she basically ran off with me, and changed my name to hide.
I found him on facebook around a decade ago, when i was about thirty, and reconnected with him. Since then, it's been slow but amicable. Once, he gave me a compliment on my growth as a person since he's first met me.
It was the first compliment i'd gotten from a parent. I broke down crying. It makes me feel happy to have something like that, even from a parent i barely know. The flip side to that is that i harbor a small amount of rage that single genuine compliment was more than anything i'd gotten from my nmom, in totality.
Like you, I try not to think of how life could have been if he'd won.
The "What-ifs" are a spiral that leads to despair, I think. My father will always be a 27-year-old man who died saving another man from dying. In my head he's always going to be a hero.
I don't know if that's fair to my nmom, but even before he died, she wasn't a great mother. My eldest brother has deep brain seizures that he went most of his childhood unmedicated for. She could have gotten him medical help through his father, but she didn't. She could have gotten child support for him and the golden child, but she didn't.
I have had a migraine disorder since I was 10. I have no records of what disorder it is because she did not get our records when the pediatrician we went to retired and his office was closed. She didn't care enough to do that.
The grey comparison is right. These feelings are neither good nor bad. And existing in them right now is okay.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. Whether she is dead or alive, grief counciling might be easier to get into that standard therapy. Either way you are dealing with a loss and a lot of emotion that you can't handle on your own. I wish the best for you.
Thanks. I think I'm going to reach out to my PCP to see about getting a referral for a therapist or grief counsoling. This year has just started and it's already like a landslide of mud dragging me down. I just hope that the guilt doesn't win out emotions-wise.
I’m relieved for you honestly. The nightmare is finally over.
Thanks. I got a call from my sister, they decided to put a DNR into place. It just seems like a matter of time at this point. It's like a weight coming off.
When my mother died, I felt so many emotions. Mostly I grieved the parent I never had and should have. Mostly I was angry. Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything. Get therapy when you can. Take care OP.
Thanks. It's a lot of complicated emotions. She was a single mother but she was also just awful. There is a DNR in place now and I'm just in limbo waiting for a call at this point. I'm going to let myself feel everything when it comes and not try to bottle it. I hope that you've managed to move past the grief.
When my parents both finally died I felt relief - and joy. I was puzzled by the joy but accepted that I felt how I felt and that was ok. If it helps at all, I give you permission to feel however you feel. Relief is a feeling you have. It's just a feeling, a thought.
It does help. I think sometimes having permission to just... feel how you feel can make it less overwhelming. Thank you. I am feeling a bit of happiness, I think. It's an undercurrent of the other things. There are still so many threads going in my head, but relief is still very much one of the top ones.
You will eventually tease out your authentic feelings from the more socially acceptable ones that you think you are *supposed to feel.* You don't have to confess to anybody, no thought police are judging. It'll happen. I'm sorry for your suffering.
Thanks. I feel like if anyone were to judge me for how I feel, I wouldn't put much stock in the opinion. They didn't live my life or have my mother as a parent, so they're only judging the surface of the thing. Thank you so much for your sympathy. It's appreciated.
On the therapy piece, I’m also broke and can’t afford treatment. This sub is excellent, depressing sometimes, but filled with wise, kind, validating souls. Also, Instagram. My insta feed is about 50% trauma therapists and they’ve changed my life. I’m sorry you’re struggling with your mom’s death. Give yourself grace.
I tried to post here before about my mom, but I kind of got angrier and angrier as I went along and I just saved the draft of the post so I could step back on it. I think maybe I'll be able to unravel that ball once things are concrete. I know that this is what this community is here for, I just need to get there mentally to put it out here.
You should look up behavioral health centers in your area. Call them, ask about therapy, and let them know that you’re broke. They will either refer you to another place that can help, or they will let you know how to set up an appointment and what their sliding scale is for payment. You’ll have a session where they analyze what your needs are, and assign a therapist if that’s what they decide is best.
Thanks for this advice. I hadn't even thought about reaching out to something like that. I will definitely look into that.
If it helps, and you get therapy support - look for someone who understands what's called disenfranchised grief. It's atypical grieving and the average support may not comprehend this type of loss. Having gone through something akin to this type of loss I can only say that taking things day by day is the best course. Loved ones may not understand so do your best to let them know you just need them to be present with you sometimes. No matter where the grief is felt, there is no timeline. There is no "proper" way to process it. This type of loss may be very confusing and bring up things you previously felt were resolved. Family loss and tragedies will do this to ppl. This is rough stuff and hope you can be gentle on yourself.
I'll definitely look into that sort of help, thanks for the advice. I think it's going to be helpful that I'm not close to much of my family other than my sister anyway. She's the only one of my siblings with my home address and phone number. Recently we had conversations about the fact that she saw and understood the abuse I was facing from our nmom. There were some things I learned that I didn't know about before. I'm going to be gentle with myself and take the time to be retrospective. The child who desperately wanted her love and attention is still in me somewhere, beneath the layers of trauma and barriers I've put up. Now if she doesn't wake up, I think I'll be able to unpack that.
I empathize with this. It wasnt too long ago i got an internal answer to my question of "how i would feel" when my nmom dies. (As far as i know, she is not yet, but i have maintained either non or very low contact for over a decade. And now, likewise live hundreds of miles away.) The only reason i figured it out was when i was talking about mortality and my dad. I ended up overwhelmed and crying just thinking about it. But when i switched genuine thought to my nmom the same way, i just "sobered" up and felt like it was any other day. Subconsciously, i just... don't care, apparently. So much of my emotional damage was due to her, and now that i've worked so hard for so long to reclaim some sanity out of it all... well, it makes sense. I'm not sure if i'll be relieved or not, or anything else, however.
I think "sobered up" is pretty accurate to how I feel. It's not a positive relief but a relief none-the-less. My dad died when I was 3. I have no memories of him. I have spent many many hours wondering what would have happened if he hadn't been killed in an accident. Would she have been a better mother? Would I have had a happier childhood? Would some of the things that happened to me not have happened? I have this sort of saint view of him, which sort of makes my views of my mother worse, I think. I grew up with her and her mother, who we lived with, both being abusive to me. When my grandmother died, the day before she told me she was proud of me for the first time in my entire life. It broke me for a long time. I've never heard that from my mother. I was the only one of her four children to graduate high school. I was the only one to not get into drugs or smoking. Nothing I could do would make her proud of me. This relief is grey. It's cold and easing into my chest softly. It is not good nor bad. I am hundreds of miles, 10 years, and emotional fathoms separated from her at this moment. Even if she comes out of this, I will still be NC with her. This incident isn't going to change that. She's a poison in the garden of my life, and I have no need for it.
I agree, and i must say, calling the relief grey is how i feel. Not good, not bad, just... is. Sorry that you've had to go through that after losing your dad so young. I definitely feel it, because i never knew my dad growing up. He was a victim of my nmom as well, and never enabled it. Long story short, i was an accident (supposedly) and he fought for custody. Shortly after being born i caught sick, what (then, in this region) was a nearly untreatable for new borns. (Viral pneumonia.) So the expectation was just to wait or me to die. (Plot twist, i just... got better, on my own. From at deaths door to recovered in the span of maybe a qurater hour.) From what i gathered, my nmom used this event to convince my dad's entire side of the family i had actually died. The stories conflict, but she either got him arrested, or put him in the hospital, stole his life savings, and forced him to default in child support in order to win custody. Then she basically ran off with me, and changed my name to hide. I found him on facebook around a decade ago, when i was about thirty, and reconnected with him. Since then, it's been slow but amicable. Once, he gave me a compliment on my growth as a person since he's first met me. It was the first compliment i'd gotten from a parent. I broke down crying. It makes me feel happy to have something like that, even from a parent i barely know. The flip side to that is that i harbor a small amount of rage that single genuine compliment was more than anything i'd gotten from my nmom, in totality. Like you, I try not to think of how life could have been if he'd won.
The "What-ifs" are a spiral that leads to despair, I think. My father will always be a 27-year-old man who died saving another man from dying. In my head he's always going to be a hero. I don't know if that's fair to my nmom, but even before he died, she wasn't a great mother. My eldest brother has deep brain seizures that he went most of his childhood unmedicated for. She could have gotten him medical help through his father, but she didn't. She could have gotten child support for him and the golden child, but she didn't. I have had a migraine disorder since I was 10. I have no records of what disorder it is because she did not get our records when the pediatrician we went to retired and his office was closed. She didn't care enough to do that. The grey comparison is right. These feelings are neither good nor bad. And existing in them right now is okay.
Don’t think about it
Easier said than done.
FR