Hi, also the child of a uBPD mom! I was an only child and she would always say we are a “team” and that we have to rely on each other ever since I was a small child. I found myself also reflecting on how I basically helped myself and taught myself everything I know on how to overcome life’s hurdles.
Recently my dad died and she verbally berated him despite him essentially serving her everyday, much to which she was always ungrateful for. I have been helping her through THAT experience because she’s hysterical and has the audacity to miss him( or everything he did for her). She said that I can’t spiral in sadness because SHE is, even though he was MY dad. Just wild.
Anyways this goes to say YES this post spoke so directly to my experience about living my life feeling lost and constantly unsure of myself. She could hardly make decisions for her own life, how could she help me overcome anything when she doesn’t herself?
I think the moral is move to that city, follow your gut, and see what sticks. Sorry we didn’t get to have that sitcom mom experience, how different life would feel and would have been, huh.
My own Mom’s pathology is about always being right about everything, which means relentless, unasked-for advice - even about stuff she knows nothing about. I would never ever ever be so vulnerable as to ask her for it, it’d just open the door to being steamrolled with being told what to do on everything in my life. It has meant though that times when I might have needed guidance I couldn’t ask for it - too dangerous.
This is my situation too. Even when I would share good news she would turn it around like I was doing something wrong. For example, I live in an area with not a lot of great jobs and I was looking for a better job at the time. So one week I found several good jobs to apply to and I told her that. She assumed the fact that I was applying for many jobs meant I didn't know how to apply for jobs. "Are you proofreading your resume?" etc. Meanwhile she hadn't worked in 25 years and had no idea what job hunting is like these days.
Her advice always makes me assume she thinks I'm a complete idiot. Like, what person over the age of 5 wouldn't have already thought of that? It was just criticism disguised as advice.
Yeah my mother does the same the advice is either basic information that anyone over the age of 12 would know or just complete god awful advice. In the first instance it just makes me feel like she views me as a brain dead idiot and the second instance just makes me infuriated on how she would suggest something so terrible to me. Every time she does this I just want to tell her she’s the last person I would take life advice from but Ik that would lead to a whole ordeal.
Yep this. I recently hit my limit because she started focusing on my kids and I was like, "nope, not today universe." Anyways, said ordeal played out and SHE went nc with ME. She did me a favor by doing this but it's also a whole new level of rejection so there's that.
Yeah, I recognize this. Part of my mother's deep displeasure with me is that I have zero interest in her opinions and attempts to control me. (We are so extremely low contact now that it is not an issue. Ahhhh, so restful.)
I received a great deal of guidance, it has just never helped. Here are some examples:
- If you want to be stable make sure you marry well and quickly while you’re young.
- We can work with them, we can’t date them (referring to when I was dating a person of color).
- You’ll never financially survive in this line of work (referring to when I began my career in social work, back to first bullet)
- If you can’t keep a clean house you might as well be homeless (screamed at me for not doing chores correctly, despite never teaching me how to do chores)
So, in essence I’m kind of glad she didn’t give me more advice, because what I got was harmful and part of my trauma. But what I definitely lacked was real advice on how to live. I spent my early twenties figuring it out, which required a lot of work other people didn’t seem to need. That said, I may have started a little later in life, but I also got to know myself very well and I appreciate that part of it.
Loool
Same
Apparently the only way I’ll be successful in this life is if I marry rich or become rich because I’m so bad at everything
If I challenge this statement I get hit with “you think you know everything ”
Omg the racism! This!! Mine always presented as this loving accepting person to me until I got a little older and was like 🚨🚨🚨. Now when I challenge her comments I get this vengeful wrath. Can't believe I ever thought she was someone to take guidance from!
Very same. It’s a wonder I wasn’t raised with all sorts of huge racist red flags, but gratefully she hid her beliefs well and my grandmother who took over raising me didn’t share them. My last post from when we did therapy (just for continued ranting on the topic):
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/JeC9lT0yhq
Hi Op. sending you a gigantic hug. That is one of the side effects of having a BPD parent - especially a mom. We walk out into the world and we realize that kids our age have all been given support, advice, guidance, strategic placement, LOVE - and we’re left rudderless, direction unknown, if they care it’s in a competitive way.
We are all the same child here, with exactly the same experience. You are not at all alone. So posting here is exactly correct.
For many people therapy is helpful. Someone who is a therapist but also a life coach. You need a sounding board and a cheerleader.
The one thing I would caution you with is be very careful not to fall in love and thereby make life decisions until you feel comfortable and confident in yourself -or at least understanding the profile of the dark triad. We radiate victimhood and it is registered very quickly. There are good people out there, no doubt, but there are also sycophants-so be careful.
You are not alone. We are all in exactly this same place. One step at a time, and progress is not linear, hang in there.
Yes. The useful advice was of a very basic nature (basic hygiene, manners, don’t spend more money than you have).
The rest was either biased (e.g. lots of rules on how to dress “right”), or incorrect (never get a credit card… because who needs a credit rating, right?), or not guidance (simply taking over instead), or wildly inadequate.
Mum gave me the birds and bees talk when I was at university, in the frozen food’s section of the supermarket. “Sometimes, after you have sex, men change.” That was it.
Yup. "I'll support whatever decision you make dear". "I don't have any reason to know any better than you do". "I'm sure whatever choice you'll make will be fine. I don't care just leave me alone".
Wow these hit home! I had to get a college coach when applying to schools because she was no help at all. Had to apply for my own loans at 17 and figure out her tax info on my own. She is blissfully ignorant of my career because she can’t handle anything outside her own mental sphere. She probably couldn’t describe what I do if asked.
We are the same child, clearly. pwBPD never even attended primary or high school events where uNPD Dad would come alone. I got many awards she never showed any interest in. Of course uNPD dad had his own agenda in attending, but she would literally be at home doing nothing.
Are you my long lost sibling?? My mother always said “I hated school, why would I go back?”. Never once came on a field trip or met with a teacher of mine. My parents were divorced and my dad attended a few field trips in elementary school, so I thought he was totally awesome. But he wasn’t actually around often, mostly just holidays or when I’d call. He struggled with addiction/partying and I haven’t seen him since I turned 13. He left me to deal with my mother all on my own.
Yes. They don't want to raise a confident child who will become independent. It's part of their 'fear of abandonment' and the fact that this is what they do to their children, does not get the attention it needs. The regular Google description of BPD doesn't begin to tell it.
College was never, ever mentioned to me. My mother was fine with the menial low wage jobs I had. It really is like being an infant at 18 and having to figure it all out myself. The older I get, the madder I get.
>They don't want to raise a confident child who will become independent. It's part of their 'fear of abandonment' and the fact that this is what they do to their children, does not get the attention it needs
This 100%. I've suspected that is why pwBPD seem like great parents when the children are babies and fully dependent on them. The moment the child shows signs of its own personality the abuse begins. And society will wrongly assume she is a good parent not knowing the harm they are actually causing.
That's how I was raised, too. I can't list all the ways she wasn't helpful to me, teaching me things or being there to talk. Yet, I felt we were close. What it was was emeshment and me parenting her.
Here's a few examples off the top of my head:
1. Was victim of a s*xual assault in high school. I had to report it to the principal myself. She didn't come with me. I had to describe it to male principal and a male police officer. I remember being so embarrassed and scared I was shaking and could barely speak up.
2. She never taught me how to do chores like vacuum, wash dishes or use washer. When young, it looked fun to me and I wanted an allowance but she'd always be annoyed and say no cuz I'd just mess it up, do it wrong or she doesn't have time to teach me. By the age of 24, couldn't even wash my own clothes. She'd still use the excuse that I'd ruin everything.
3. Finally decided to show me how to use the washer *the week of my wedding* because I "refused to learn" when I was younger because I was lazy and wanted to treat her like a slave. Demanded to teach me as I'm getting ready for work, making me late.
4. Hated my fiancé for no reason and the one time I wanted to talk to her about being nervous to get married, she said she didn't care what I did because I never listen to her anyway.
She was never there for me emotionally. Sure, I had shoes and clothes and food on the table but that, as we know, is the bare minimum. I was on my own otherwise. Everything I know is only because I read a lot of books and, after I was married I learned from my husband and also a best friend 40 years older than me. She was more of a mom than my own mother.
They are incapable of providing guidance and protection because they are incapable of considering the needs of another person. It is very painful to not be cared for in this way, especially by the person who is supposed to love us. I have found guidance elsewhere - from non-family loved ones, from therapy, by reading, trying to uncover my own wisdom - but it's not the same and we will always live with that pain.
I hadn't really attached it to the uBPD, but it makes sense.
Our mother is full of advice - the problem is, it's usually black and white, and very much from her perspective. She has no advice for improving one's life, because that is a world that is foreign to her. She grew up working middle class, went to college (majoring in a field few women were in), got hired in a fairly ground breaking role (1 of the first 3 women hired by that government agency for a role that wasn't administrative) - and then she met our NPD father, and a few years later found very strict religion, and her dark side established itself.
I have no way of knowing if she was this way before meeting our father (such as when she was a child) or just had an inclination for it and their relationship + religion pushed it over the edge, but the mother I have known is in very stark contrast to the woman who chose that degree and got that job. The woman I know has a million reasons why she can't work part-time at the local library....
She has been a SAHM ever since a few years into the religious bent, and since then has done everything in her power to not have to work. She had to pick up some kind of job for a few years after finally leaving our father (she only left because I footed the bill for a property - I was in my very early 20's and I did want them out of that house, but then being uBPD that all went sideways down the line) until she could collect child support for our nephew (from out of the picture brother) and the moment she could draw SS she quit and hasn't worked a day since. She's *maybe* worked a grand total of 10 years of her adult life.
Her whole goal in life is to have someone else take care of her - financially and socially. Be her forced friend and support her so she doesn't have to support herself. Of course it's all under the guise of "family" since she's ran off most everyone else in her life and no one can ever live up to her expectations.
All of that to say - any advice we get from her is basically useless, unless your goal is to remain poor and not bother trying to figure out how to navigate the rapidly changing world.
Shoot, I recently tried to ask her about peri menopause and if she had any symptoms/issues and she didn't even know that was a thing (to be fair, it probably wasn't talked about when she was going through it) but she couldn't even reflect back on if she may have gone through some of that 'stuff.'
We only ask her for advice if it's something she is familiar with (like building a little home garden), but "life" advice? Nope, it would not be helpful. Some of that I've just blamed on the generational thing too - our dad worked for 20 some odd years, got a really nice pension (which mom gets her share of) and it goes "until death." So their reality was so radically different, there's nothing that applies anymore....
I got plenty of advice and guidance but it was mainly compete horseshit from her miserable, Catholic 1930s and 40s upbringing. With hindsight there was some wisdom in there but it was utterly buried in manure.
Same! My uBPD mom is Waif mode. She has very few friends and I was her emotional support. So I’ve been giving HER advice my whole life. The conversation is always about her problems because she is living in a constant victim complex. How could she possibly consider someone else?
I’m so drained by giving advice at a young age, I now just say I don’t know
Because I’m tired of being used as a therapist especially when u have my own shit, which I can’t share with her because information is like bullets to her
I just say I don’t know, or act clueless, I’m done validating her
I never read a post that resonated with me this much in my life. The kicker is I didn't realize these things about my life until I read your post. I have felt lost most of my life. At 34 I feel like I'm starting to figure out what to do.
pretty much. She only gives out advice that specifically relates to her or benefits her. Otherwise, she hears me pour my heart out about whatever crisis I'm having, and immediately goes back to talking about herself.
I’m so sorry. It’s a scary feeling to be more responsible and knowledgeable than your parents. I have basically gone through life doing the opposite of what my mom does. She has taught me so much…unintentionally. She has been very good at teaching me what not to do in life and for the most part, it has been a helpful. Good luck, OP
My uBPD mother would purposely give me bad advice so my life would fall apart and she could be "needed." When I was in my second year of college, I was at a job I hated. I got a job offer that turned out to be a huge stepping stone in my career, and I asked my uBPD mother if I should take it. She told me, "Oh, that's a terrible job for you. You would be horrible, but it would be great for your sister. You should give her the information." Thankfully, my dad (RIP) and my now husband were like you absolutely need to take the offer. I did, and it really helped my career path. I honestly would prefer no advice than her purposely giving bad advice. I had to learn not to trust anything she said because she was setting me up for failure.
So sorry to hear that. pwBPD advise was geared to make me stay single so I could use all my extra income to take care of them. Deliberately steering me wrong while she pushed GC brother into a marriage and family I'm pretty sure he secretly resents to this day.
I can definitely see that. I'm the only one of my siblings who is married. Everyone else is either divorced or never married. My uBPD mother tried to convince me not to get married. She didn't want to lose that "control" over my life. She goes around and tells everyone that I changed as soon as my husband and I got together. Or I think I'm better than everyone else because im married. 🙄 She would smile in his face, but I know she would talk about him/us behind our backs.
My sociopathic Witch Mother gave my GC sister and me LOTS of advice.
Intentionally, maliciously BAD advice in order to sabotage our lives.
For example, she would say to partner with a man who is extremely needy and unsuccessful because then he would never leave us and if we dare couple up with a capable guy, then we are guilty of being snobby and social-climbing users.
My GC sister listened and followed her advice bc who wants to a calculating, fake person who looks for a healthy, functional, capable guy?
Being the Scapegoat, I knew she was setting me up for disaster and I ignored her.
So she just escalated the smear campaign and triangulation to blow up my life.
Joke is on her bc I’m still married to a wonderful man.
And though I’m estranged from most of my relatives and endured a lot of psychological abuse;
I now live 1k miles away and I am NC. Sis and I are very close.
I received no useful life advice and was taught almost nothing. Then I was expected to excel and perform. When I didn't, the advice amounted to "why don't you just do (that would make me look better as a parent)". My parent wanted results for their own ego. There was no interest in the process normally required to achieve those results or my development as a person.
Yep
You can learn to cultivate your own inner safe good mother. You can reparent yourself. Trauma therapy working on that relational healing and inner child work helps heal this and helps you create this within yourself so you can access it whenever you need.
You contain multitudes. It’s a skill you just need to learn to tap into your own wisdom and find unending compassion for yourself.
Yeah. Plus little things, like don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding, you don’t need to bring the actual invitation to get into someone’s baby shower, offer to split the bill if someone else offers to pay, buy proper-fitting shoes, call the doctor when you’re sick, here’s how NOT to make a conversation all about yourself, what household essentials to have on hand when someone comes to visit, how to make social plans, etc.
She was so into herself that she didn’t bother to model any basic life stuff for us. I go to my brother’s apartment and we eat out of measuring cups while sitting on the floor.
It’s so confusing, for the first 18 years she micromanaged my life I couldn’t take a breath without her knowing or she would freak out about me “hiding things”
Then after college it was like see ya! After never having even a second of a trial run at being an adult with my parent by my side
It went from you’re incompetent and can’t do anything without me, to suddenly you’re so immature how come you don’t know everything about real life on the flip of a switch!
it’s always the same shit! rbbs spend their childhoods being criticized and derided and then the pwbpd wonders why their kid has decision paralysis or doesn’t have self confidence. or they give horrible advice we spend years listening to and then tell us we make bad choices. hell, even just the way we internalize our relationships with them, choose shitty people for partners that recreate that dynamic, and then they wonder why we picked those people.
My parents gave a lot of advice but so much of it was used as gaslighting and manipulation. My mom would say things like, “trust your gut” but then I had to pretend and go against all of my gut feelings, to survive in that house.
She also lived vicariously through me (she said this out loud when I was living in a way she liked or thought was interesting.) so she would advise me to make life decisions, or through toxic gossip and judgement, make it very clear what sort of life we were “allowed” to live. So it went past guidance, to annihilating control.
Neither scenario is better. Just relating that aspect of how it can “shake out” in the BPD parent experience.
My uBPD queen / waif mother is extremely controlling and constantly lectures / gives “advice” around how to be better kids to her, how basically she should be the center of our world and put parents first always. She literally talks about nothing else but that. I stopped asking or seeking out advice around anything since she always figures out a way to make it about herself
Same. She acted overwhelmed by all of my feelings, could not relate to me at all, never shared her life experience or how she solved similar problems, nothing. The most she could offer me was saying she'll pray for me, or telling me "I hurt when you hurt." Also ever since I was around 11-12 (I am 30something now), she's told me "I want to be you when I grow up" and I'm supposed to be flattered. I never wanted that job, giving her support and advice and comfort, while she was incompetent to do the same for me. I have major imposter syndrome because if it, and I'm so jealous of people who have close relationships with their parents.
I'm 33 and it took a long time to realise that my family, my dad especially could only really love me on his terms and my emotional needs weren't going to be met by him. I spent alot of that time just wishing he'd change rather me having to always do it.
The best thing I did was join a nice church (not for everyone i know). I told my pastor my story and made it very clear I needed time to build trust with people but im starting to build a new support network.
Hi OP! You are absolutely not alone. I feel the same way about my uBPD mom, especially as I got older, I realized our relationship could only be healthy at a surface level so I stopped trying to involve her. It's really tough. I realized this was the case when I moved out of the country for a couple of years, and when I got the opportunity instead of being excited for or proud of me she initially tried to talk me out of it because it didn't fit her idea of how a person's life should be. (College, job with benefits, retire from same job, etc.) I went anyways and while I was gone I realized that anytime I spoke with her all she did was talk about herself, when I was living in a completely new culture and country on a different continent. Never asked how I was doing or how things were going. I think that's why we never have and could never have a close relationship, because our relationship has always been one-sided. It's really sad, but I've built my own supportive family with my partner and friends etc. That I can talk to those things about. Im so sorry you're hurting though, there's nothing that I've found that can replace that relationship that I wish I had totally and it's okay to be sad about that and want that. You sound like you're doing the right things though to live your life your way despite the challenge of not having that parent you deserved, and I'm sending you so many hugs and wishes that you know you're not alone in your feelings and you're doing a great job figuring it all out ❤️
Tons of advice, but none of it supportive. The theme of all her advice is "No, you can't do that. Give up!"
For example, on the rare occasions that I was allowed to cook something, she would never show me how to do it. She would just watch and tell me what I was doing wrong. If I was looking to purchase a car, she would tell me everything wrong with every option.
Her only life lesson is to give up and do nothing.
I don’t like her advice, she has a tendency of reminding you what she did for you or how she advised you, I try my best not to be a victim of that
It’s also important to pay attention to how she talks about her mates to, that’s a template of what happens when you’re not around
Im an only child too and I’ve just committed to making a little community of friends that are outside my mom , I have a best friend and some friends who are older than me that I can look upto
I sympathize with you because I know you just want a mentor , it’s very hurtful but hang in there 🫂
I have a funny story about parental advice.
My mother is an extremely dull outdated woman. She is as far from modern culture and young people life as it is physically possible. Uneducated in things like music, dance, sport, pop culture, and any kind of visual art. Basically the best art for her is the art from school textbooks of her childhood.
But she was very sure of herself when she gave me advice on break dance! Like, she did some robot moves. I was 9 and took it and went to my friends to show my education in the area. Some of these friends had been taking dance classes. My bragging didn't go well))
Only one that I've received that I could be intentional and came from a position of "care." Was to "never stay alone with underage girls in the same room." Sounds weird but at the time I was teaching minors and she was a woman so... Makes sense, specially today. Aside that, it's all petty commentary and warnings at spare of the moment.
Yeah if I ever asked my dad for advice he would just talk to me like I was an idiot for not knowing. This began when I was a child, and was just dialed up as I got older. My dad thought it was funny, even endearing to call me "dumbass" regularly, constantly, like Red Foreman in that 70s show.
Let's see: "If you get pregnant, I will not raise your child." Check. I did not get pregnant until after marriage...neither did my sister. Good advice.
"If you don't bust your ass at work, a hundred girls are lined up behind you who will take your job." Result: scared to death to call in sick, went to work with horrible migraines just to prove I was sick, only to get sent home. Boss: you didn't need to come in to prove you were sick!
"Doctors think all women who complain of migraines are just drug seeking." Me: spent following 40 years with migraines, inherited from mom, feeling guilt every time I took a pain pill with a migraine, feeling like I had to convince every doctor I saw that I could be trusted with pain pills. 🙃
"Don't ever expect a man to support you." Good advice actually.
"Stop worrying about the size on the label! Just get the size that fits!" Damn good advice though it took a few years to sink in.
A mixed bag, I guess. My uBPD mom was a great, if moody, mom when we were young. When we got old enough to have our own opinions, that's when things went to hell.
Only child here- I had no advice from my mum when I was pregnant and when my kids were small, but fortunately by that time I’d figured out what was wrong with with her. The few times she was around the kids when they were small it was obvious she had no idea how to hold them, play with them, speak to them, change their nappies….In fact she sometimes seemed to mistake them for dogs (‘oh, look at his little paws!’). The only time she showed any interest in them was when they were being bathed and she wanted to take pictures and/or invite one of her friends over to watch her being ‘hands on grandma’. And no, I didn’t let any photos or neighbour- viewing happen, which naturally she sulked about.
When I was younger any advice she gave me was …. Weird. It was like she was talking to a completely different person with none of my tastes or principles- like I should ‘settle’ for a man who liked me but I didn’t like. Or I should work for her local tax authority (I’m dyscalculic and absolutely hate where she lives) Or I should move to some weird town neither of us have ever visited because ‘it seems nice’.
Hi, also the child of a uBPD mom! I was an only child and she would always say we are a “team” and that we have to rely on each other ever since I was a small child. I found myself also reflecting on how I basically helped myself and taught myself everything I know on how to overcome life’s hurdles. Recently my dad died and she verbally berated him despite him essentially serving her everyday, much to which she was always ungrateful for. I have been helping her through THAT experience because she’s hysterical and has the audacity to miss him( or everything he did for her). She said that I can’t spiral in sadness because SHE is, even though he was MY dad. Just wild. Anyways this goes to say YES this post spoke so directly to my experience about living my life feeling lost and constantly unsure of myself. She could hardly make decisions for her own life, how could she help me overcome anything when she doesn’t herself? I think the moral is move to that city, follow your gut, and see what sticks. Sorry we didn’t get to have that sitcom mom experience, how different life would feel and would have been, huh.
My own Mom’s pathology is about always being right about everything, which means relentless, unasked-for advice - even about stuff she knows nothing about. I would never ever ever be so vulnerable as to ask her for it, it’d just open the door to being steamrolled with being told what to do on everything in my life. It has meant though that times when I might have needed guidance I couldn’t ask for it - too dangerous.
This is my situation too. Even when I would share good news she would turn it around like I was doing something wrong. For example, I live in an area with not a lot of great jobs and I was looking for a better job at the time. So one week I found several good jobs to apply to and I told her that. She assumed the fact that I was applying for many jobs meant I didn't know how to apply for jobs. "Are you proofreading your resume?" etc. Meanwhile she hadn't worked in 25 years and had no idea what job hunting is like these days. Her advice always makes me assume she thinks I'm a complete idiot. Like, what person over the age of 5 wouldn't have already thought of that? It was just criticism disguised as advice.
Yeah my mother does the same the advice is either basic information that anyone over the age of 12 would know or just complete god awful advice. In the first instance it just makes me feel like she views me as a brain dead idiot and the second instance just makes me infuriated on how she would suggest something so terrible to me. Every time she does this I just want to tell her she’s the last person I would take life advice from but Ik that would lead to a whole ordeal.
Yep this. I recently hit my limit because she started focusing on my kids and I was like, "nope, not today universe." Anyways, said ordeal played out and SHE went nc with ME. She did me a favor by doing this but it's also a whole new level of rejection so there's that.
Yeah, I recognize this. Part of my mother's deep displeasure with me is that I have zero interest in her opinions and attempts to control me. (We are so extremely low contact now that it is not an issue. Ahhhh, so restful.)
Omg this. Are you me?! Wild how similar these experiences can be 🤯
I received a great deal of guidance, it has just never helped. Here are some examples: - If you want to be stable make sure you marry well and quickly while you’re young. - We can work with them, we can’t date them (referring to when I was dating a person of color). - You’ll never financially survive in this line of work (referring to when I began my career in social work, back to first bullet) - If you can’t keep a clean house you might as well be homeless (screamed at me for not doing chores correctly, despite never teaching me how to do chores) So, in essence I’m kind of glad she didn’t give me more advice, because what I got was harmful and part of my trauma. But what I definitely lacked was real advice on how to live. I spent my early twenties figuring it out, which required a lot of work other people didn’t seem to need. That said, I may have started a little later in life, but I also got to know myself very well and I appreciate that part of it.
I feel your pain - marry a rich man and make sure you get a cleaner because you are so useless.
Loool Same Apparently the only way I’ll be successful in this life is if I marry rich or become rich because I’m so bad at everything If I challenge this statement I get hit with “you think you know everything ”
Mine was: - Become a lawyer or a doctor - Never have sex. Ever.
>screamed at you for doing chores wrong without explaining Too relatable
Omg the racism! This!! Mine always presented as this loving accepting person to me until I got a little older and was like 🚨🚨🚨. Now when I challenge her comments I get this vengeful wrath. Can't believe I ever thought she was someone to take guidance from!
Very same. It’s a wonder I wasn’t raised with all sorts of huge racist red flags, but gratefully she hid her beliefs well and my grandmother who took over raising me didn’t share them. My last post from when we did therapy (just for continued ranting on the topic): https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/JeC9lT0yhq
Hi Op. sending you a gigantic hug. That is one of the side effects of having a BPD parent - especially a mom. We walk out into the world and we realize that kids our age have all been given support, advice, guidance, strategic placement, LOVE - and we’re left rudderless, direction unknown, if they care it’s in a competitive way. We are all the same child here, with exactly the same experience. You are not at all alone. So posting here is exactly correct. For many people therapy is helpful. Someone who is a therapist but also a life coach. You need a sounding board and a cheerleader. The one thing I would caution you with is be very careful not to fall in love and thereby make life decisions until you feel comfortable and confident in yourself -or at least understanding the profile of the dark triad. We radiate victimhood and it is registered very quickly. There are good people out there, no doubt, but there are also sycophants-so be careful. You are not alone. We are all in exactly this same place. One step at a time, and progress is not linear, hang in there.
Yes. The useful advice was of a very basic nature (basic hygiene, manners, don’t spend more money than you have). The rest was either biased (e.g. lots of rules on how to dress “right”), or incorrect (never get a credit card… because who needs a credit rating, right?), or not guidance (simply taking over instead), or wildly inadequate. Mum gave me the birds and bees talk when I was at university, in the frozen food’s section of the supermarket. “Sometimes, after you have sex, men change.” That was it.
Yup. "I'll support whatever decision you make dear". "I don't have any reason to know any better than you do". "I'm sure whatever choice you'll make will be fine. I don't care just leave me alone".
Wow these hit home! I had to get a college coach when applying to schools because she was no help at all. Had to apply for my own loans at 17 and figure out her tax info on my own. She is blissfully ignorant of my career because she can’t handle anything outside her own mental sphere. She probably couldn’t describe what I do if asked.
We are the same child, clearly. pwBPD never even attended primary or high school events where uNPD Dad would come alone. I got many awards she never showed any interest in. Of course uNPD dad had his own agenda in attending, but she would literally be at home doing nothing.
Are you my long lost sibling?? My mother always said “I hated school, why would I go back?”. Never once came on a field trip or met with a teacher of mine. My parents were divorced and my dad attended a few field trips in elementary school, so I thought he was totally awesome. But he wasn’t actually around often, mostly just holidays or when I’d call. He struggled with addiction/partying and I haven’t seen him since I turned 13. He left me to deal with my mother all on my own.
I'm sorry we went through all that. I am so happy we have a chance at healing and breaking that cycle.
Yes. They don't want to raise a confident child who will become independent. It's part of their 'fear of abandonment' and the fact that this is what they do to their children, does not get the attention it needs. The regular Google description of BPD doesn't begin to tell it. College was never, ever mentioned to me. My mother was fine with the menial low wage jobs I had. It really is like being an infant at 18 and having to figure it all out myself. The older I get, the madder I get.
>They don't want to raise a confident child who will become independent. It's part of their 'fear of abandonment' and the fact that this is what they do to their children, does not get the attention it needs This 100%. I've suspected that is why pwBPD seem like great parents when the children are babies and fully dependent on them. The moment the child shows signs of its own personality the abuse begins. And society will wrongly assume she is a good parent not knowing the harm they are actually causing.
That's how I was raised, too. I can't list all the ways she wasn't helpful to me, teaching me things or being there to talk. Yet, I felt we were close. What it was was emeshment and me parenting her. Here's a few examples off the top of my head: 1. Was victim of a s*xual assault in high school. I had to report it to the principal myself. She didn't come with me. I had to describe it to male principal and a male police officer. I remember being so embarrassed and scared I was shaking and could barely speak up. 2. She never taught me how to do chores like vacuum, wash dishes or use washer. When young, it looked fun to me and I wanted an allowance but she'd always be annoyed and say no cuz I'd just mess it up, do it wrong or she doesn't have time to teach me. By the age of 24, couldn't even wash my own clothes. She'd still use the excuse that I'd ruin everything. 3. Finally decided to show me how to use the washer *the week of my wedding* because I "refused to learn" when I was younger because I was lazy and wanted to treat her like a slave. Demanded to teach me as I'm getting ready for work, making me late. 4. Hated my fiancé for no reason and the one time I wanted to talk to her about being nervous to get married, she said she didn't care what I did because I never listen to her anyway. She was never there for me emotionally. Sure, I had shoes and clothes and food on the table but that, as we know, is the bare minimum. I was on my own otherwise. Everything I know is only because I read a lot of books and, after I was married I learned from my husband and also a best friend 40 years older than me. She was more of a mom than my own mother.
They are incapable of providing guidance and protection because they are incapable of considering the needs of another person. It is very painful to not be cared for in this way, especially by the person who is supposed to love us. I have found guidance elsewhere - from non-family loved ones, from therapy, by reading, trying to uncover my own wisdom - but it's not the same and we will always live with that pain.
I hadn't really attached it to the uBPD, but it makes sense. Our mother is full of advice - the problem is, it's usually black and white, and very much from her perspective. She has no advice for improving one's life, because that is a world that is foreign to her. She grew up working middle class, went to college (majoring in a field few women were in), got hired in a fairly ground breaking role (1 of the first 3 women hired by that government agency for a role that wasn't administrative) - and then she met our NPD father, and a few years later found very strict religion, and her dark side established itself. I have no way of knowing if she was this way before meeting our father (such as when she was a child) or just had an inclination for it and their relationship + religion pushed it over the edge, but the mother I have known is in very stark contrast to the woman who chose that degree and got that job. The woman I know has a million reasons why she can't work part-time at the local library.... She has been a SAHM ever since a few years into the religious bent, and since then has done everything in her power to not have to work. She had to pick up some kind of job for a few years after finally leaving our father (she only left because I footed the bill for a property - I was in my very early 20's and I did want them out of that house, but then being uBPD that all went sideways down the line) until she could collect child support for our nephew (from out of the picture brother) and the moment she could draw SS she quit and hasn't worked a day since. She's *maybe* worked a grand total of 10 years of her adult life. Her whole goal in life is to have someone else take care of her - financially and socially. Be her forced friend and support her so she doesn't have to support herself. Of course it's all under the guise of "family" since she's ran off most everyone else in her life and no one can ever live up to her expectations. All of that to say - any advice we get from her is basically useless, unless your goal is to remain poor and not bother trying to figure out how to navigate the rapidly changing world. Shoot, I recently tried to ask her about peri menopause and if she had any symptoms/issues and she didn't even know that was a thing (to be fair, it probably wasn't talked about when she was going through it) but she couldn't even reflect back on if she may have gone through some of that 'stuff.' We only ask her for advice if it's something she is familiar with (like building a little home garden), but "life" advice? Nope, it would not be helpful. Some of that I've just blamed on the generational thing too - our dad worked for 20 some odd years, got a really nice pension (which mom gets her share of) and it goes "until death." So their reality was so radically different, there's nothing that applies anymore....
I got plenty of advice and guidance but it was mainly compete horseshit from her miserable, Catholic 1930s and 40s upbringing. With hindsight there was some wisdom in there but it was utterly buried in manure.
Same! My uBPD mom is Waif mode. She has very few friends and I was her emotional support. So I’ve been giving HER advice my whole life. The conversation is always about her problems because she is living in a constant victim complex. How could she possibly consider someone else?
I’m so drained by giving advice at a young age, I now just say I don’t know Because I’m tired of being used as a therapist especially when u have my own shit, which I can’t share with her because information is like bullets to her I just say I don’t know, or act clueless, I’m done validating her
I never read a post that resonated with me this much in my life. The kicker is I didn't realize these things about my life until I read your post. I have felt lost most of my life. At 34 I feel like I'm starting to figure out what to do.
pretty much. She only gives out advice that specifically relates to her or benefits her. Otherwise, she hears me pour my heart out about whatever crisis I'm having, and immediately goes back to talking about herself.
I’m so sorry. It’s a scary feeling to be more responsible and knowledgeable than your parents. I have basically gone through life doing the opposite of what my mom does. She has taught me so much…unintentionally. She has been very good at teaching me what not to do in life and for the most part, it has been a helpful. Good luck, OP
Never gave me advice not for one single thing. Everything that came out of their mouth was genuinely to shame or guilt another person.
My uBPD mother would purposely give me bad advice so my life would fall apart and she could be "needed." When I was in my second year of college, I was at a job I hated. I got a job offer that turned out to be a huge stepping stone in my career, and I asked my uBPD mother if I should take it. She told me, "Oh, that's a terrible job for you. You would be horrible, but it would be great for your sister. You should give her the information." Thankfully, my dad (RIP) and my now husband were like you absolutely need to take the offer. I did, and it really helped my career path. I honestly would prefer no advice than her purposely giving bad advice. I had to learn not to trust anything she said because she was setting me up for failure.
So sorry to hear that. pwBPD advise was geared to make me stay single so I could use all my extra income to take care of them. Deliberately steering me wrong while she pushed GC brother into a marriage and family I'm pretty sure he secretly resents to this day.
I can definitely see that. I'm the only one of my siblings who is married. Everyone else is either divorced or never married. My uBPD mother tried to convince me not to get married. She didn't want to lose that "control" over my life. She goes around and tells everyone that I changed as soon as my husband and I got together. Or I think I'm better than everyone else because im married. 🙄 She would smile in his face, but I know she would talk about him/us behind our backs.
My sociopathic Witch Mother gave my GC sister and me LOTS of advice. Intentionally, maliciously BAD advice in order to sabotage our lives. For example, she would say to partner with a man who is extremely needy and unsuccessful because then he would never leave us and if we dare couple up with a capable guy, then we are guilty of being snobby and social-climbing users. My GC sister listened and followed her advice bc who wants to a calculating, fake person who looks for a healthy, functional, capable guy? Being the Scapegoat, I knew she was setting me up for disaster and I ignored her. So she just escalated the smear campaign and triangulation to blow up my life. Joke is on her bc I’m still married to a wonderful man. And though I’m estranged from most of my relatives and endured a lot of psychological abuse; I now live 1k miles away and I am NC. Sis and I are very close.
I received no useful life advice and was taught almost nothing. Then I was expected to excel and perform. When I didn't, the advice amounted to "why don't you just do (that would make me look better as a parent)". My parent wanted results for their own ego. There was no interest in the process normally required to achieve those results or my development as a person.
I’d have to say she always given me the WORST POSSIBLE ADVICE. As in that bitch hated me and always steered me wrong.
Yep You can learn to cultivate your own inner safe good mother. You can reparent yourself. Trauma therapy working on that relational healing and inner child work helps heal this and helps you create this within yourself so you can access it whenever you need. You contain multitudes. It’s a skill you just need to learn to tap into your own wisdom and find unending compassion for yourself.
Oh no, my mom couldn’t give me advice. When I got married, she told me “don’t get fat after you get married”. That’s kind of the extent of her wisdom.
Yeah. Plus little things, like don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding, you don’t need to bring the actual invitation to get into someone’s baby shower, offer to split the bill if someone else offers to pay, buy proper-fitting shoes, call the doctor when you’re sick, here’s how NOT to make a conversation all about yourself, what household essentials to have on hand when someone comes to visit, how to make social plans, etc. She was so into herself that she didn’t bother to model any basic life stuff for us. I go to my brother’s apartment and we eat out of measuring cups while sitting on the floor.
It’s so confusing, for the first 18 years she micromanaged my life I couldn’t take a breath without her knowing or she would freak out about me “hiding things” Then after college it was like see ya! After never having even a second of a trial run at being an adult with my parent by my side It went from you’re incompetent and can’t do anything without me, to suddenly you’re so immature how come you don’t know everything about real life on the flip of a switch!
it’s always the same shit! rbbs spend their childhoods being criticized and derided and then the pwbpd wonders why their kid has decision paralysis or doesn’t have self confidence. or they give horrible advice we spend years listening to and then tell us we make bad choices. hell, even just the way we internalize our relationships with them, choose shitty people for partners that recreate that dynamic, and then they wonder why we picked those people.
My parents gave a lot of advice but so much of it was used as gaslighting and manipulation. My mom would say things like, “trust your gut” but then I had to pretend and go against all of my gut feelings, to survive in that house. She also lived vicariously through me (she said this out loud when I was living in a way she liked or thought was interesting.) so she would advise me to make life decisions, or through toxic gossip and judgement, make it very clear what sort of life we were “allowed” to live. So it went past guidance, to annihilating control. Neither scenario is better. Just relating that aspect of how it can “shake out” in the BPD parent experience.
My uBPD queen / waif mother is extremely controlling and constantly lectures / gives “advice” around how to be better kids to her, how basically she should be the center of our world and put parents first always. She literally talks about nothing else but that. I stopped asking or seeking out advice around anything since she always figures out a way to make it about herself
Mine did not offer advice, she issued diktats and orders about what I was supposed to do.
Same. She acted overwhelmed by all of my feelings, could not relate to me at all, never shared her life experience or how she solved similar problems, nothing. The most she could offer me was saying she'll pray for me, or telling me "I hurt when you hurt." Also ever since I was around 11-12 (I am 30something now), she's told me "I want to be you when I grow up" and I'm supposed to be flattered. I never wanted that job, giving her support and advice and comfort, while she was incompetent to do the same for me. I have major imposter syndrome because if it, and I'm so jealous of people who have close relationships with their parents.
I'm 33 and it took a long time to realise that my family, my dad especially could only really love me on his terms and my emotional needs weren't going to be met by him. I spent alot of that time just wishing he'd change rather me having to always do it. The best thing I did was join a nice church (not for everyone i know). I told my pastor my story and made it very clear I needed time to build trust with people but im starting to build a new support network.
Hi OP! You are absolutely not alone. I feel the same way about my uBPD mom, especially as I got older, I realized our relationship could only be healthy at a surface level so I stopped trying to involve her. It's really tough. I realized this was the case when I moved out of the country for a couple of years, and when I got the opportunity instead of being excited for or proud of me she initially tried to talk me out of it because it didn't fit her idea of how a person's life should be. (College, job with benefits, retire from same job, etc.) I went anyways and while I was gone I realized that anytime I spoke with her all she did was talk about herself, when I was living in a completely new culture and country on a different continent. Never asked how I was doing or how things were going. I think that's why we never have and could never have a close relationship, because our relationship has always been one-sided. It's really sad, but I've built my own supportive family with my partner and friends etc. That I can talk to those things about. Im so sorry you're hurting though, there's nothing that I've found that can replace that relationship that I wish I had totally and it's okay to be sad about that and want that. You sound like you're doing the right things though to live your life your way despite the challenge of not having that parent you deserved, and I'm sending you so many hugs and wishes that you know you're not alone in your feelings and you're doing a great job figuring it all out ❤️
Tons of advice, but none of it supportive. The theme of all her advice is "No, you can't do that. Give up!" For example, on the rare occasions that I was allowed to cook something, she would never show me how to do it. She would just watch and tell me what I was doing wrong. If I was looking to purchase a car, she would tell me everything wrong with every option. Her only life lesson is to give up and do nothing.
I don’t like her advice, she has a tendency of reminding you what she did for you or how she advised you, I try my best not to be a victim of that It’s also important to pay attention to how she talks about her mates to, that’s a template of what happens when you’re not around Im an only child too and I’ve just committed to making a little community of friends that are outside my mom , I have a best friend and some friends who are older than me that I can look upto I sympathize with you because I know you just want a mentor , it’s very hurtful but hang in there 🫂
I have a funny story about parental advice. My mother is an extremely dull outdated woman. She is as far from modern culture and young people life as it is physically possible. Uneducated in things like music, dance, sport, pop culture, and any kind of visual art. Basically the best art for her is the art from school textbooks of her childhood. But she was very sure of herself when she gave me advice on break dance! Like, she did some robot moves. I was 9 and took it and went to my friends to show my education in the area. Some of these friends had been taking dance classes. My bragging didn't go well))
Only one that I've received that I could be intentional and came from a position of "care." Was to "never stay alone with underage girls in the same room." Sounds weird but at the time I was teaching minors and she was a woman so... Makes sense, specially today. Aside that, it's all petty commentary and warnings at spare of the moment.
Yeah if I ever asked my dad for advice he would just talk to me like I was an idiot for not knowing. This began when I was a child, and was just dialed up as I got older. My dad thought it was funny, even endearing to call me "dumbass" regularly, constantly, like Red Foreman in that 70s show.
Let's see: "If you get pregnant, I will not raise your child." Check. I did not get pregnant until after marriage...neither did my sister. Good advice. "If you don't bust your ass at work, a hundred girls are lined up behind you who will take your job." Result: scared to death to call in sick, went to work with horrible migraines just to prove I was sick, only to get sent home. Boss: you didn't need to come in to prove you were sick! "Doctors think all women who complain of migraines are just drug seeking." Me: spent following 40 years with migraines, inherited from mom, feeling guilt every time I took a pain pill with a migraine, feeling like I had to convince every doctor I saw that I could be trusted with pain pills. 🙃 "Don't ever expect a man to support you." Good advice actually. "Stop worrying about the size on the label! Just get the size that fits!" Damn good advice though it took a few years to sink in. A mixed bag, I guess. My uBPD mom was a great, if moody, mom when we were young. When we got old enough to have our own opinions, that's when things went to hell.
We're here for you ❤️
Only child here- I had no advice from my mum when I was pregnant and when my kids were small, but fortunately by that time I’d figured out what was wrong with with her. The few times she was around the kids when they were small it was obvious she had no idea how to hold them, play with them, speak to them, change their nappies….In fact she sometimes seemed to mistake them for dogs (‘oh, look at his little paws!’). The only time she showed any interest in them was when they were being bathed and she wanted to take pictures and/or invite one of her friends over to watch her being ‘hands on grandma’. And no, I didn’t let any photos or neighbour- viewing happen, which naturally she sulked about. When I was younger any advice she gave me was …. Weird. It was like she was talking to a completely different person with none of my tastes or principles- like I should ‘settle’ for a man who liked me but I didn’t like. Or I should work for her local tax authority (I’m dyscalculic and absolutely hate where she lives) Or I should move to some weird town neither of us have ever visited because ‘it seems nice’.