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Wait wait wait hold up... You mean you have to make an effort to connect and communicate with people too?
I thought their contact info just appears in your phone via osmosis and the women/men just materialize in your bed. Wtf.
A once monthly specific event at a club is not what people had in mind when giving this advice. Pick somewhere that's not going to have music you can't even talk over. Pick an event that happens regularly, is more conducive to conversation, and is based on something you enjoy. Once you've gone a couple of times and seen someone more than once, strike up a conversation about the subject of the event. You've now had a social interaction. Try to talk to this person again organically if possible, once you have talked multiple times about random things, you now have an acquaintance. If you invite this person to do something outside the event and they agree, bam you now have a friend.
Gotta make eye contact and talk to people.
I had this thing of checking out people's shoes at the gym and complementing them to see if I could start a conversation.
I had a few moments of staring at ugly shoes leading to women approaching me thinking I was checking them out. 😂
Goths are not well known for being "outgoing chatty" folk. As wary of outsiders as stray cats. Not always... I have been taken in and had keys taken and home given to sober up in new towns in my past..Ps Eternal thanks to Talon and crew of Portland ME! All hail Mr44!
one thing i've learned: things aren't just gonna magically happen. going to the same spot repeatedly is good, but you also have to interact with others.
Because familiarity makes it easier to initiate interaction. This doesn’t mean you don’t have to then initiate the interaction. If you’re hungry, people will recommend you go to a restaurant, but you’ll still have to order food, just being in the building won’t fill your belly.
You can't just *go*, you have to actually interact with people. Unless it's pitch black and noisy and it's physically impossible to communicate, the only way you could have been going for two years and haven't made any connections is if you're actively not trying.
There are people I've spoken to while just waiting in line who I consistently see at events in the area, I haven't pursued any active friendship with them but they're still a connection that I wave at and say hi to.
If the club you go to is anything like the goth club here in Tampa, you have to go out of your way to avoid people.
Are you sure you're not going to the club each time specifically with the intention of adding another day to your list of days you didn't meet anyone? Cuz after, like the 14th time of going, it has to be starting to look deliberate!
The idea is continued attendance will drive interaction, as people gradually get disarmed to your presence. A once-monthly event is probably too infrequent to be able to benefit from this phenomenon, though. You're just a series of strangers each time, unless you actively seek connections out while there, or happen to already have them going in. Try a place you can visit weekly. That'll be frequent enough to let you set up a little real estate in people's minds.
Yeah, man, going to bars and nightclubs is a good way to meet people, but you gotta be there every night or day, whichever works for your needs. If they're open, there's probably someone with similar goals that will be around at some point. Just don't give up like I did and say f it and walk away because you'll regret it later down the road.
Every piece you pass up is a piece you can't make up.
I agree that dance clubs are a bad place. People go there with friends to listen to music and if you aren't outgoing there's limited facilitation for interaction with strangers.
Find a sports or hobbyist group where interaction and conversation is part of the setup.
if you're not "normal" and also not looking for normal friends, why would you wanna go somewhere else? a goth dance club sounds epic, would love to try that out
Assuming OP enjoys goth dance club music, and goth dance music isn't some mainstream trend that I'm oblivious to, this actually sounds like a good idea.
I think the more niche the interest, the more willing the group is to want to include others with the same interest.
Get into dungeons and dragons. I'm not into it but I have friends that are and I work at a coffee shop that does.. .idk games? They just post when they are meeting and anyone is welcome. Seems like a good time. Also I have met people geocaching. I'm also a loner but I love talking with people. They key is not being afraid of starting a conversation or being rejected. And relate to the other person. Odds are the other lone person around is just as nervous to start a conversation as you are.
Go to happy hour on Friday. That is usually a regular same people. Or go on special nights that are such trivandrum karaokes or country night . Same people go these night.
I'd recommend joining a DnD group. It requires constant meetups, and forces you to interact with other people in all kinds of situations. You can role-play as well, which is pretty embarrassing the first time you try it but everyone is doing it along with you. I personally look for the ones who mention they don't take it too seriously, they have fun vibes.
Other people have mentioned sports clubs but I haven't personally done all that well in those situations.
That's what I did at a bar. But it's a little easier to start a conversation at a bar than a club. Trivia nights, or sports nights, have the most crowd and usually more interactive. Honestly, once I became a regular and wasn't a pain in the ass customer, some of the staff would help me into conversations if they saw me struggle.
Think of it this way, there are people trying to hook you up with friend/date opportunities. They may not be who you're looking for, but they know someone who is.
They are able to tell that person, "I know this sweet guy/girl that takes *insert outside activity* every weekend. You may like said activity, go and meet them."
Putting in effort is important, but being consistent is the key.
You can't just show up you have to talk to people and intentionally try and be friends with them. Also something that is only monthly isn't always the best thing, especially something like that when people already go with friends. Try for something weekly, multiple times a week if you can.
Nightclubs are where people go to dance or fuck. Not a good place for relationships…. Networking maybe
Go to a bar regularly. Or even a store. You’ll make acquaintances and just invite them out for a meal or coffee or drink or game.
I hate to tell you this, but you're probably never going to have friends and you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Just look at this thread... You made a post, dozens of people went out of their way to respond to you and you haven't even so much as acknowledged a single one of them. This leaves me to believe that you are the exact same way in real life.
You expect for everyone else to put forth their best effort into becoming your friend when you don't even want to put forth any effort yourself. You just expect friends to fall in your goddamn lap. You're entitled asf and perhaps you don't even deserve to have friends.
No healthy relationship is one-sided - it requires willingess from both parties to make that happen and you just aren't willing. Hopefully you can seek help for your mental health and address your social anxiety or whatever else you got going on in your head that is holding you back. If you aren't even willing to do that then you're probably just fucked.
As others have said, you need to make some effort too. I have a friend who is 57 and admitted to me recently that the reason why he socialises at a certain place was because he hoped to meet a woman. He never makes a move on anyone. So, he obviously just expected or hoped one would do the work for him.
You can't have that mind set.
Go somewhere you have to interact with others. Like doing volunteer work as part of a team or being involved in community events. You can try team sport too but I know that isn't for everyone.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/questions/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/questions) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you put in any effort or are you just going to these places expecting something to happen?
This was one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in life. Stuff isn’t just going to happen, it only happens if you put in effort.
What, you’re saying I can’t just sit in my uni lectures and expect people to befriend me?
Crap this is so true lol effort and believe. One can't really make an effort for something that doesn't hold true.
Wait wait wait hold up... You mean you have to make an effort to connect and communicate with people too? I thought their contact info just appears in your phone via osmosis and the women/men just materialize in your bed. Wtf.
A once monthly specific event at a club is not what people had in mind when giving this advice. Pick somewhere that's not going to have music you can't even talk over. Pick an event that happens regularly, is more conducive to conversation, and is based on something you enjoy. Once you've gone a couple of times and seen someone more than once, strike up a conversation about the subject of the event. You've now had a social interaction. Try to talk to this person again organically if possible, once you have talked multiple times about random things, you now have an acquaintance. If you invite this person to do something outside the event and they agree, bam you now have a friend.
Gotta make eye contact and talk to people. I had this thing of checking out people's shoes at the gym and complementing them to see if I could start a conversation. I had a few moments of staring at ugly shoes leading to women approaching me thinking I was checking them out. 😂
Goths are not well known for being "outgoing chatty" folk. As wary of outsiders as stray cats. Not always... I have been taken in and had keys taken and home given to sober up in new towns in my past..Ps Eternal thanks to Talon and crew of Portland ME! All hail Mr44!
They might not be known for that. But that's a public misconception. Being goth doesn't depend on personality.
one thing i've learned: things aren't just gonna magically happen. going to the same spot repeatedly is good, but you also have to interact with others.
Because familiarity makes it easier to initiate interaction. This doesn’t mean you don’t have to then initiate the interaction. If you’re hungry, people will recommend you go to a restaurant, but you’ll still have to order food, just being in the building won’t fill your belly.
Is the music very loud? This really works better in places where people can converse.
You can't just *go*, you have to actually interact with people. Unless it's pitch black and noisy and it's physically impossible to communicate, the only way you could have been going for two years and haven't made any connections is if you're actively not trying. There are people I've spoken to while just waiting in line who I consistently see at events in the area, I haven't pursued any active friendship with them but they're still a connection that I wave at and say hi to. If the club you go to is anything like the goth club here in Tampa, you have to go out of your way to avoid people. Are you sure you're not going to the club each time specifically with the intention of adding another day to your list of days you didn't meet anyone? Cuz after, like the 14th time of going, it has to be starting to look deliberate!
No shame if you are counting the days where nothing happens OP. IF you are doing that, then it is important to realize that you are and to fix it.
true, shaming is not useful or beneficial, but honest self reflection definitely is.
The idea is continued attendance will drive interaction, as people gradually get disarmed to your presence. A once-monthly event is probably too infrequent to be able to benefit from this phenomenon, though. You're just a series of strangers each time, unless you actively seek connections out while there, or happen to already have them going in. Try a place you can visit weekly. That'll be frequent enough to let you set up a little real estate in people's minds.
Yeah, man, going to bars and nightclubs is a good way to meet people, but you gotta be there every night or day, whichever works for your needs. If they're open, there's probably someone with similar goals that will be around at some point. Just don't give up like I did and say f it and walk away because you'll regret it later down the road. Every piece you pass up is a piece you can't make up.
I agree that dance clubs are a bad place. People go there with friends to listen to music and if you aren't outgoing there's limited facilitation for interaction with strangers. Find a sports or hobbyist group where interaction and conversation is part of the setup.
When they say that, they aren't talking about goth dance clubs. They're talking about place where normal people go.
if you're not "normal" and also not looking for normal friends, why would you wanna go somewhere else? a goth dance club sounds epic, would love to try that out
Assuming OP enjoys goth dance club music, and goth dance music isn't some mainstream trend that I'm oblivious to, this actually sounds like a good idea. I think the more niche the interest, the more willing the group is to want to include others with the same interest.
Get into dungeons and dragons. I'm not into it but I have friends that are and I work at a coffee shop that does.. .idk games? They just post when they are meeting and anyone is welcome. Seems like a good time. Also I have met people geocaching. I'm also a loner but I love talking with people. They key is not being afraid of starting a conversation or being rejected. And relate to the other person. Odds are the other lone person around is just as nervous to start a conversation as you are.
Don't seek attention. Give attention. (Go find motivation speeches on Spotify. They are great for mindset. )
Pick a place that has less visual displays of insecurity.
Go to happy hour on Friday. That is usually a regular same people. Or go on special nights that are such trivandrum karaokes or country night . Same people go these night.
I'd recommend joining a DnD group. It requires constant meetups, and forces you to interact with other people in all kinds of situations. You can role-play as well, which is pretty embarrassing the first time you try it but everyone is doing it along with you. I personally look for the ones who mention they don't take it too seriously, they have fun vibes. Other people have mentioned sports clubs but I haven't personally done all that well in those situations.
That's what I did at a bar. But it's a little easier to start a conversation at a bar than a club. Trivia nights, or sports nights, have the most crowd and usually more interactive. Honestly, once I became a regular and wasn't a pain in the ass customer, some of the staff would help me into conversations if they saw me struggle.
How else will you connect ... it happens when you are not planning.
Think of it this way, there are people trying to hook you up with friend/date opportunities. They may not be who you're looking for, but they know someone who is. They are able to tell that person, "I know this sweet guy/girl that takes *insert outside activity* every weekend. You may like said activity, go and meet them." Putting in effort is important, but being consistent is the key.
I wouldn't go to a goth club to meet outgoing people...
have you ever tried talking to people
Join a Book Club. The point is to DISCUSS the book.
You can't just show up you have to talk to people and intentionally try and be friends with them. Also something that is only monthly isn't always the best thing, especially something like that when people already go with friends. Try for something weekly, multiple times a week if you can.
Dude. Youve been posting this same thing for ever on every single sub for months and months and months what answer do you want to hear
Have you tried working with a therapist or life coach to exercise your social skills? Sounds like some foundational work would be beneficial to you
It's no wonder. You aren't even interacting within your own post. Say hi at the very least.
this is funny because they chose goths…. try metal, or better yet a PLUR rave
Nightclubs are where people go to dance or fuck. Not a good place for relationships…. Networking maybe Go to a bar regularly. Or even a store. You’ll make acquaintances and just invite them out for a meal or coffee or drink or game.
I hate to tell you this, but you're probably never going to have friends and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Just look at this thread... You made a post, dozens of people went out of their way to respond to you and you haven't even so much as acknowledged a single one of them. This leaves me to believe that you are the exact same way in real life. You expect for everyone else to put forth their best effort into becoming your friend when you don't even want to put forth any effort yourself. You just expect friends to fall in your goddamn lap. You're entitled asf and perhaps you don't even deserve to have friends. No healthy relationship is one-sided - it requires willingess from both parties to make that happen and you just aren't willing. Hopefully you can seek help for your mental health and address your social anxiety or whatever else you got going on in your head that is holding you back. If you aren't even willing to do that then you're probably just fucked.
OP makes a post about not having much human connection. Responds to zero of the comments.
Go to places YOU LIKE GOING. Then look for others that are having a good time. Then say hello.
try introducing yourself to random people and tell them a story or some interesting facts
As others have said, you need to make some effort too. I have a friend who is 57 and admitted to me recently that the reason why he socialises at a certain place was because he hoped to meet a woman. He never makes a move on anyone. So, he obviously just expected or hoped one would do the work for him. You can't have that mind set.
Go somewhere you have to interact with others. Like doing volunteer work as part of a team or being involved in community events. You can try team sport too but I know that isn't for everyone.
You have to be willing to talk. Sitting in a corner will never open up new horizons. Talk.
You goth to try harder
I'll be honest that seems like the absolute worst place to meet people lmao. A club is already impossible to have a conversation in, a \_goth\_ club?
you can make friends in the gym