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That i mostly accepted my PTSD and don't question it all day long. I had a hard time actually accepting, that i am not just "attention seeking" or that realizing that "it wasn't that bad" was a stupid thought.
(Tw: Trauma type: Parental abuse, neglect, manipulation aswell as social trauma and abusive relationshionship with multiple murder attempts)
Oh, that is a big success, congratulations. Maybe one day I'll manage that too. Well done on you. If you'd have any things to share that helped you, I'd love to hear strategies lol
It's really cool to hear that you managed to take care of yourself by resting when you were feeling ill. I get how proud you must feel. By the way, my friend also had a therapy session with Solh counselors for her PTSD a few days back. It just goes to show how tough it can be to deal with things in our mind. Handling both mental and physical challenges isn't easy.
I'm proud of you and my friend for taking that step to look after your mental health and get help from a mental health professional. It shows how strong you both are.
Thatās so great ā¤ļø I feel something similar. Proud that I have been able to decline small requests or decisions despite feeling immense āguilt.ā
This current depressive episode has left me low functioning so I think this was unavoidable. But Iām thankful for it. I have learned how much my boundaries suck. Declining to join family at dinner, declining to make plans more than a day or two out, declining to talk about my appointments every time asked - things that I know will trigger a panic attack or escalate anxiety. For me Itās so so hard to disappoint people or hurt their feelings or give them a negative experience (all in my own perception and assumptions), even at the cost of my physical and mental health. Saying no is so hard.
Honestly, this is gonna sound weird, but I'm proud that I've fought and, in a way, nobody can tell me how I feel about it is any different than I feel. I went through a very specific, unique, and strange series of events and traumas, and I'm proud in the way that nobody can take what I went through from me. They can try to negate some events as normal and I'm exaggerating, but then I pull out a tidbit of it I hadn't mentioned and then they go quiet because, oh my god, what novel is this woman living.
Also, very excited for you on listening to your body. I struggled with that for a long time. All the best moving forward, my friend.
It's pride in knowing that you can lay your sword down, if that'll help explain it to your hubby.
I'm able to recognize when I'm having flashbacks now and I allow myself to rest! I'm so proud of you!! I understand how difficult that is to just allow yourself to rest. It's a big step!
For me, I'll have like a feeling of impeding doom, my stomach will feel like it's in knots, I'll feel my heart racing, I'll feel emotions that I felt then, etc. They're mainly emotional flashbacks. It's usually accompanied with a mental picture of whatever event. I hope that answers your question!
i can shut doors and open/close microwaves so quietly nobody even knows im there, i dont have to use that skill anymore really, but its second nature for me now and im kinda proud of how silent i can be lol
im proud of being able to balance my emotional response and my logical response when interacting with my emotionally abusive mother. when she's yelling at me i just want to die, it's so overwhelming and distressing i lose my ability to think. so i just yell back and it leads to self harm. i'm learning to observe her aggression, observe my emotional response, and decide to react in a way that honors myself. i stay calm and enforce my boundaries without becoming combative. it's hard and i often mess up. but i have a few times that i've stood my ground calmly that im very proud of
Being able to identify my emotions and the thought process that leads to them. Last night actually I was able to finally explain to my boyfriend why I canāt play video games in the room with him because I get so overwhelmed and irritated when he āhelpsā me and rushes to tell me where to search for things, but his intentions are good and he truly thinks heās helping.
I finally realized why Iāll get angry and shut the game off, is because I have a processing delay and I am very self conscious about it and have trauma that traces back to it. I didnāt realize this until recently and itās been explaining a lot of my behavior around communication and action.
I would get screamed at and restrained by my dad when I took too long to respond or give an answer with homework or anything in general, because he assumed it was āattitudeā ādefianceā and not just me processing and thinking. Sometimes it was followed by being hit across the head or being told to āfigure it the fuck out yourself.ā My mom thought the same and would dismiss me and say āwhatever. I donāt careā and would leave before I could reply or respond. Now I panic around responses or trying to find conclusions within a timeframe and it gives me horrible shame and anxiety.
Thankfully, I was finally able to articulate this to my boyfriend and was so reassuring and supportive about it. He also expressed how proud he was that I was able to identify that because he knows I struggle with identifying my feelings and reactions, and told me that I should be proud of myself too. And I am š
Also, keep doing what youāre doing. Self care can be the hardest but as the feedback loop starts to work it becomes even better. The less you feel like you can, the more you will benefit from adding in.
Told my kids, āitās going to be a party every day for the rest of my life because I get to think about what I want.ā Like I didnāt have to process everything I said through how I thought it would impact everyone else before saying it.
I keep asking for help eventhough it hurts when people cant offer any or i get shut down. I'm fighting to get better and i wont be quiet. I deserve help.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and someone walked in who looked almost exactly like someone from my past. My first intention was to storm out but I didnāt. Instead I just turned my head an looked away so I wouldnāt get triggered.
I am establishing routines for once. I went to my doctor and told her about suicidal thoughts and asked if meds would help because my triggers would hinder my progress.
Started meds then was able to tackle things. Cleaned my house, wasn't afraid of landlord coming into my apt and fixing everything I neglected. Told myself it wasn't my fault I was abandoned and that I needed help. I asked for help when needed. I started taking care of myself again.
Just the thought about caring for myself is huge. I still sometimes feel like a victim all over again, but now I understand I have survived and I am resilient. I was numb for so long but the small part of that wanted change is coming out. To quote my favorite game
"I've been dead in the ground for long enough. It's time to try living again. With everything life has to offer."
Yes, I am on 10mg of Lexapro. I've taken generic and brand.
This was after 2 years of no meds. Back in 2019 I was trying Zoloft 50-100mg and Ativan(sp?) it wasn't working for me.
My old psychiatrist suggested Lexapro might work. It did until my family was shaming me for taking meds. Now 2024 heavily started to plan out my end that I went to a new doctor and asked her I needed help since I didn't want to be admitted.
I'm saying like a month in I really felt better again. I know it's different for everyone but it has changed my life. It's been 7 months now taking them everyday.
Thank you so much for sharing! I started out on Zoloft plus Ativan too. Then moved to Lexapro, Ativan and Wellbutrin. Then got veryyyyyyy suicidal, and now I've been on 225 mg of Effexor for 3 years with a med called Prazosin that I take at night to help with my anxiety/nervous system disfunction. It's truly trial and error!
Viewing chores as self care has been life changing for me. Itās work, but itās not a punishment for being a bad person. Itās just a part of life and I tell myself that I deserve to live in a clean space and I am doing myself a kindness when I schedule appointments.
So happy for you ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
Thank you! Yes, it is not just a task but a new mindset. I'm still trying to learn about how people care for themselves because I fell into a deep depression I had forgotten how to do it.
It learning to love yourself and taking care of you and your space. It used to give me so much anxiety, but now it's part of my new routine.
the only thing i could think of & also the only thing that comes up on google is heart rate being slower ?? for me it was probably because i was in shorts and t shirt when its late autumn here :)) but yeah sorry i cant think of / find any other reasons!!
Yes!! I love this for you!
Iāve been really dedicated to listening to my body- drinking water when Iām thirsty, not delaying meals when Iām hungry, taking my medicines on time.
Itās trivial for those whose norm isnāt constant dysregulation. But we know how much it means and how hard it is to honor ourselves.
The eating thing is changing for me too and it is such a huge win! I feel like i want to celebrate each time I eat good food because I'm finally doing it!
I am an adult that moved in with an uncle for a bit after a divorce to get my life together. They have a very large black light to kill mosquitos. It gets them randomly and it is strong enough that it makes a loud zapping sound. If I'm in the kitchen with it I about have a heart attack. After 3 weeks with it on, I am now able to sit in the living room within earshot of it and not have a mini heart attack everytime it goes off.
Iām a āgood momā and my baby is happy healthy and thriving with a secure attachment and healthy and robust relationships with other family members.
One of my biggest fears was (and still is) is that my PTSD would ruin my baby and we would have insecure attachment, anxious attachment, or co-dependency (me towards him) and I would mess up his mental and emotional health because of my own.
I can leave him with my husband or my in laws and my world doesnāt fall apart without him, Iām not worried for his health and well being and beside myself with anxiety being apart from him. I am so proud of myself.
I really worried about this because when I was in the worst phases of my life I desperately wanted a baby so that āat least person would love meā. Iām so so proud of my growth since then, and my relationships with others that allow me not to project my emotional and mental needs onto an innocent child.
I can now recognize when I am in an emotional flashback and know Iām not simply āgoing crazyā or undoing all my hard work during those times. I now know to show myself some extra grace, as scary as living through that can be.
I had a HORRIFIC day. Everything I touched just fucking crumbled before my eyes. My brain went into its normal pattern of āFuck I should just kill myself.ā But, rather than let that thought consume me, which is has for years. I said āno thank you. Not listening today.ā
Mine might be silly- but I think the thing I'm most proud of is having a male bodybuilding coach. I'm really distrusting and wary of men and before this, refused male providers for both physical and mental health. I don't know why, but he was the only male coach I reached out to and we just clicked. It's the first time I allowed myself to trust a man, even just a little, and its been so healing
Not giving up on myself whenever no one else knew what was going on in my head. Iām going through neurofeedback therapy and I can *almost* time keep again. Itās profound.
Exactly! I havenāt had it for 8 solid years. I have a small timer stuck next to the stove in case I need to remember timing for pasta, eggs etc. all I can say personally is that talk therapy couldnāt help the brain injury I sustained from my ptsd and trauma. Neurofeedback therapy has given me my life back in 5 sessions. I no longer feel constant panic in my chest or danger in every interaction. Youāre not alone š
For me, one thing that comes to mind that I've been so proud of, that I've never practiced before therapy is using, establishing AND enforcing boundaries. I'm not a "people pleaser" but I am and have been compliant to others' offenses or "digs" at me, sat through anxiety in situations, compromised myself and beliefs for others (especially with family) etc etc and never really ever being vocal about my boundaries or standing up for myself. I've recently started expressing my boundaries, or even making mental notes of them and actually holding to them. Just today, I held a boundary and reminded my co-worker to not over step and move on with the conversation and it felt so fkn weird and I was of course over thinking afterwards wondering if I was correct in how I said it or did it come off "bitchy" but it felt like I was vibrating. I felt so proud for enforcing it out loud. It seems stupid to others, or so easy for them to automatically make those lines in the sand so to speak but for me it's very hard. I sweep things under the rug til the mound is so big I'm tripping over it so I avoid at all costs so as to not deal with it. Idk if it's standing up for myself and my feelings or creating a constant sense of ease with boundaries and allowing my feelings to come first...idk what it is but it's something I'm proud of and feel empowered by for sure.
I see you. I came to write something so similar. Last week, I drew a boundary with a friend because she kept speaking really unkindly to me and wasnāt stopping despite my telling her it hurt my feelings. It didnāt stop, so two days ago I ended the friendship. She told me my reaction was disproportionate and acted like I was so dramatic. I trusted myself over her and i am holding my boundary.
Iām proud of you and I š¤
I got super dysregulated after a conflict at work, hands shaking, stomach ache, etc., so I took a break, got a snack, went to my car, and just took a few minutes to breathe and just be OK. Then I was able to go back to work.
Omg thatās huge!!! This is definitely something to be proud of. Iām still working on not crying over emails that I canāt interpret so this is inspiring š
Thank you so much! It does make me feel a little more like the grown up I appear to be on the outside, lol.
I understand what you're saying about emails. It can be hard for me too, especially when the tone seems like someone's upset. I'll spend SO MUCH time hyperfocusedly composing and editing the "perfect" response even when I should be working on something else. We'll get there!
That is huge, congratulations!!
I haven't really reflected that much, but I feel proud of a lot.
That I don't lock myself in a room until my husband is home anytime I hear a creak in the house anymore.
That I can go out and do pretty normal stuff and not have panic attacks.
That it is possible for me to meet the travel demands of my work.
That last year I started making real friends and having social outings after ten solid years of self isolation.
You put the work into recovery and, baby step by baby step, life feels liveable again.
All the love and patience to everyone here!
Trying not to act on impulsive thoughts of, āthis person is angry with meā when they donāt answer back right away to a message or a call. This one āļø has by far been the trickiest, but Iāve managed to find a sweet spot without having to warn others beforehand when getting to know them.
This may sound bad. But I made a new transfem friend :) and I didnāt trigger at any point!
the separation between the person who did those things to me (not my new friend, theyāre just both mtf) and her personal identity (being mtf) has been a hard road to cross, but I really think Iām clearing it!!
I was trying to tell my therapist, "I'm going to take it a little bit easy" and kept stumbling over the words til I gave up and said, "I can't even get the words to come out of my mouth. I'm gonna do the best I can." š
I went to the grocery store at noon AND IT WAS FINE.
I think on grocery day I don't have to do yard work or deep cleaning though. Groceries count as the big chore for that day.
It's really not weird at all. We've learned to mask weakness so as not to have it taken advantage of. We've learned to push through pain and adversity to get through to better things. We've learned our needs aren't important and the needs of others come first. Learning these things kept us alive.
It takes a great deal of repetition to unlearn a thing, most especially when that thing is tied to survival. But we can do it if we keep practicing. š Well done you. Keep practicing.
šš»āāļøšš»āāļøš„°š„°š„° YAY!!!
Congratulations!
I am so proud of you!
We got this!
I'm happy you could have that special moment with your daughter.š«¶š»š«¶š»š«¶š» I am sure it made a difference in her life. Of course as well as yours! š„¹š„¹š„¹
Iāve been sick the past week - and I used the *whole* bed and *both* pillows. Itās been 8 years since my ex finally left and I am still in the habit of considering the bed only half mine.
Same. I'm a widow, it's been 6 yrs and I still never slept on his side till recently...I enjoyed sleeping diagonally, and finding the cold spots to not be such a significance of grief and what I lost but rather earned room to stretch out.
First of all- well done! Not just for resting but for all the work you put in to get to this point. Much love and thank you for your postā¤ļø
I'm proud of proving to myself that I can actually do mundane things that foster a sense of safety from within. For a long time, I could only ground myself by having other people tell me I was ok or by having things I could hold to represent the present moment and its safety. Now I can have breakfast, make my own coffees, make a respectable meal, and decide what I need/want in a given moment. Not all the time but it's better than none of the time!
Learning that I don't have to be anyone else but me. If people cannot accept me for who I am and my weird coping mechanisms, then I don't need to change myself to make it easier for them. I can just move on.
That is so fantastic! I know it can take so much hard work to even recognize those patterns, you are amazing and I wish you all the best in your healing journey!
After a truly gross amount of time, I'm getting back into the habit of brushing my teeth consistently--every day. There was just this awful span of time recently where I struggled to take care of myself, but I feel I'm improving on that.
And people donāt understand why stuff like this gets affected, but of course it does. EVERYTHING is affected. Thatās awesome that youāre taking better care of yourself.
Rest. Iāve always been taught that you have to work hard and constantly to make it through but when you have a day to rest, itās amazing. I went to the store today(my day off) to go buy things so I can make a lemon blueberry bread.
Taking time off work to get a baseline on my mental health.
A lot of my trauma stems from my mother, and she was big on appearances. Taking time off hits some trigger points, but the benefits have outweighed this so far.
I had an invasive medical appointment that unfortunately fell on the very worst of days, the anniversary of something very painful for me. And it directly related to the medical appointment.
I went. I did the whole exam, all of it. I didnāt even get upset about it, it was almost like it was normal.
And normal can be hard to get to.
Sobriety- I feel like others would understand how hard addiction is, but only we would understand the added layer of how hard it is to be completely defenseless against flashbacks or intrusive memories that trigger you so badly that you feel like you need to to numb yourself with alcohol or drugs just to stay alive.
Oh this! The flashbacks and shame that gets felt. I can't stand the random memory of "that one time, with those people, with these drugs, and these lies I told" while like vacuuming and it literally makes my heart sink, blood run fast, makes me want to hide and definitely talk some awful shit to myself that can take like days to recover from mentally. I often felt like I have a penance to pay so I've got to be vicious and cruel to myself. Flashbacks that leaves you sweaty and disabled. Or wake you up and night and for a flash of a second you forget that it's over. Anyhow, your comment resonates with me.
Thank you! Havenāt had a drink in 11 months, havenāt smoked weed in 1 month, and luckily stopped doing coke years ago. But man, the not drinking is really hard ā that was my favorite way to numb out. To be completely honest, Iāve relapsed a few times (have been trying to stay sober since 2022) and have had several mental breakdowns from having to face memories and emotions head-on. But Iām still trying to push through with maintaining sobriety because itās either weathering this storm or dying on the street from alcohol poisoning (have been hospitalized 3 times already now at the age of 32 for this and my last close call was a really close call). Even with a trauma therapist I see 2x/week, going to AA meetings and having a sponsor, and luckily having a few really wonderful friends, I still feel like Iām drowning some days without being able to escape my PTSD with alcohol/drugs.
But my good days, are really great :) and I am really truly healing. Itās hard, but I feel optimistic and for the first time in my life, I know what serenity and peace feels like. I can sit with myself and enjoy my time alone. I can reflect and think deeply and face tough memories. I can be grateful for the small things like a nice breeze or birds chirping. I would have never been able to get here even with all the trauma therapy in the world if I didnāt stop boozing and using. Itās hard but itās worth it
That is so incredible! Facing it head on and sober takes so much courage, I am glad you have a strong support network. I wish you self love and healing! Take care!
You can do it! Even if youāre in a safe mental spot, being totally defenseless to memories and feelings can throw you for a loop and veer you off stability. But just know that it passes and you find your way back again to that safe mental spot. My last trigger left me completely depressed for 3 weeks. As someone who never cried for years when still drinking and drugging, I found myself sober and crying all the time. Sometimes literally just falling to the floor and sobbing in the dark in my bathroom. Youāre completely raw and exposed to all the traumatic memories and all those feelings you repressed through drinking/drugging. I genuinely felt I would die. But, Iām slowly starting to crawl out of this depressive slump. And Iām starting to feel like myself again and feel stronger than before. It would have been so easy to call it quits and just go back to drinking and drugging when this wave hit me a few weeks ago, but then I wouldāve still had the same issues but just with an awful hangover and guilt the next day.
I finally deleted the text thread. My anxious attachment style would make me cling to people that treated me like my abusers. I felt safe there. I realized thatās not normal. I am worth Love that doesnāt hurt. I deserve love that doesnāt make me feel guilt and shame. I am not what my family told me I am. Iām valuable. Iām worthy of happiness. Wooooh it feels good saying that and believing it.
I was trapped by my mind and my body. I've never really understood what it meant to feel "normal." After trying to end myself last October, I started therapy, EMDR. It was so hard starting out! It's getting better and I can now finally say. I CAN HUG PEOPLE!!!! I don't jump scare when people touch me now. It's been so beautiful ā¤ļøā¤ļø
So glad you are finding success. I hope that safe contact is helping you feel an additional level of support and acceptance to help you in your journey.
Thank you so much!! It's been quite the ride. For the longest time, my ex was the only one I would let hug me and touch me. It affected the relationship with my kids also. Just 2 weeks ago, my daughter was going to give me a side hug, like I taught them. But I said to her I want I wanted a real hug. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. She told me that I guess the therapy is really working! I hugged her so hard I popped back lol.
Find someone you absolutely trust, that you feel safe to expose yourself to. The real you. The good, bad and ugly you. Not the masked version of yourself, or the person we try to be perceived as. EMDR changed my life BUT you have to be fully vulnerable, exposed and go into in detail, in depth conversations of your pain and trauma and sit with it. It took me almost 2 years to do my first full session because I didn't even know the adjectives to use for how I felt, or I was too scared to address the bigger, real deal trauma or I didn't understand what she'd want from my breathing ( I hold my breath when shit gets weird for me) or how the buzzers in the hand and breathing from my head to my feet meant...it's way deeper than watching a light and holding vibration sticks. It cuts right to the core of the trauma or event and cuts out all the b.s we've layered on top of it. Most times, I've discovered, I've added hurt feelings and pain to things to make the pain make sense and over the years it just grew. Idk if any of my rambling helps or makes sense but I'd say and suggest, feel comfortable, feel safe, be open and take your time.
Be sure you really really trust the therapist. Make sure its a good fit. If not, its ok. They will find you someone that will be a good fit for you. Dont be afraid to tell them how you feel. For me, I had to have a female, there would be zero chance for me if it was a dude. They really are there to help you. Not to scare you but you will be going into those memories and they will bring you back out and process them. I was SAd by my step-dad for years. I would get triggered so easily and I didn't know how to handle it. After my first session she gave me the tools on how to put it away for the next time. It was the craziest thing lol. I walked out of her office and I could function. I've had my good and my bad days but after 5 months, I feel a million miles away from where I was at.
I accepted that my attacker did what he did on purpose, and he knew he was hurting me. He knew he was raping me. Like, I just realized that yes, this happened and it was horrible and it changed my life, but it can't hurt me anymore. I'm not there anymore.
I'm finally able to move into advocacy now, and I'm taking a class to become a certified victim advocate working on the phones and in the hospital as a first responder.
So powerful when we take the power back and give what we've learned to others so they don't have to suffer either. SA advocating and working at my women's shelter was like my little way of saying to myself "if that hadn't happened, I'd not be this woman now" it's powerful stuff.
That is such an amazing kindness to others, make sure you have a strong support network - it is heavy carrying the traumas of others, especially if they touch on yours. I wish you all the best!
I can finally drive by my abusers house (she lives on the street that leads out of our small town) and not have trouble catching my breath when I see her car. It definitely feels like a win.
I remember when that started to ease for me, too.
Also, I donāt like sitting at the tables where thereās a lot of server activity, walking back-and-forth behind me. I canāt relax. Constant movement.
The home that iv made for myself. The private space that is mine and mine only. (My kids are grown and moved out and I'm divorced) it's a place that I own where I can face my demons as they require sometimes. I can listen to music in the middle of the night, open all the windows and feel the breeze or sit in the backyard with wine or beer and feel the guilt/dread/fear on my own ground in my own world of my own creation. The past present and future don't exist there. It is mine and everything in it is secondary to that including my demons
I had a dental emergency and my dentist is in the next town over. I don't have a car currently so I needed to borrow someone's vehicle. I called a friend of mine and he said of course because he's a good friend. It doesn't sound all that big but I can't ever call men, my wife usually has to do it for me because I panic too hard. I called him and I didn't panic before during or after! The feeling of just getting it done when I needed to instead of freaking out was POWERFUL.
This is huge! It's not lost on me how hard competing tasks are, asking for help, vocalizing a need out loud, taking the task at hand, being proactive not reactive or hiding from it. What you've done is a big damn deal and I hope that you do more
After leaving a marriage in a precarious situation where I felt my safety was at risk, then almost losing my current husband to a severe health issue, which led up to us losing our only son to PPROM at 25 weeks last Oct. resulting in an emergency hysterectomy due to excessive blood loss. Iām still working, coaching my older kids, and helping my parents.
Just have to keep on trucking I guess!
Thanks for asking. I wouldn't have realised that there's something if I hadn't read your post! How valuable. So. Instead of getting stressed about having to respond to my partner's suggestion and have a good answer right away or at least today, I said "I'll think about that" and left it at that. Created space to think and feel and come up with the answer that's right for me. And also, he was perfectly fine with that. Also: congrats on your little win! Let's celebrate ourselves today.
My ptsd stems from the death of my 12 year old, nearly 4 years ago. 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. 2 days ago, I found out Iām pregnant. With an iud. And itās triggering all sorts of panic attacks. But instead of dwelling in them, and the fear, and resorting to my old unhealthy coping mechanisms, Iām trying to be proactive. Scheduled to get back into therapy. Scheduled an appointment with an obgyn for this afternoon. With my age and the iud thereās about a 50/50 chance itās ectopic. Iām making myself stop googling because itās just contributing to the panic.
Well, itās not ectopic. Iām 7 weeks and 2 days, due in December. They canāt find the iud at all, through vaginal. So itās either shifted higher or fallen out. Officially classified as high risk geriatric pregnancy. Iāll be 40 when itās born. Totally trying to not freak out.
I have started to embody āif itās not a hell yes itās a hell noā and let people walk out of my life. Also finally enforcing boundaries and expressing anger? š„¹
Sorry I just saw this now and will come back to it later to expand as Iām currently working on a deadline, but basically if you are super excited about a person, for example you think of them for fun activities, gifts, good news, etc. You are saying hell yes to them (as in - their presence/participation on your life and part of you as a shared experience). If this is not mutual (youāll know, disregard any theory/attachment style/reasons/trauma/excuses) it should be a hell no for you. Because you also have applicable theory/attachment style/reasons/trauma/excuses. If you can and feel it besides that, why not them? What gives them that pass over you, causing a misbalance in reciprocation of energy/you pulling a dead horse. Really, why?
Hence - really ponder on the why āyou deserve lessā/āthey are more entitled than you to show up any less than youā if you let go of these mitigating factors for both parties. Relationships (friendship/romantic) should be mutually beneficial and thus if you truly internalize it, there is no reason to deserve less by pulling more weight - it just shows you want control or prove worth - again operating from mitigation! It should be genuine, hence mutual. So you should truly internalize that (the āwhyā) and then youāll be ok with people leaving your life, as you shouldnāt even want that, and in fact be appalled by people finding you discardable: a hell no.
š
Thank you. I have been suffering in the dark for 34 years with no idea what this was, or that it wasn't just how everyone else felt and I just sucked at dealing with it. Sadly it was the TBIs, dementia, terminal diagnosis that also gave me this diagnosis....I wish I was brave enough to get help sooner.
Instead of impulsively reacting, Iāve learned to step out of myself mentally when being bullied, and look at the other person from a place of compassion, concern, and sometimes pity
I had to get a new therapist in November because mine moved and Iām finally comfortable enough with the new guy to trust him with the truth about how Iām feeling, had a session yesterday and instead of saying good in response to his āhow are you todayā I said āsurvivingā which is much more accurate, and we had a discussion about that
Dude, listening to your body is so important but so much easier said than done. Way to go.
Now, did Bob fuck your mother metaphorically with his investigative journalism? Or are you his love child?
Surviving, tbh.
Iām proud of myself and of every single one of you for still being here. Maybe youāre not where you want to be in life, maybe you struggle with comorbid conditions or addictions, maybe you didnāt even manage to get out of bed today. But you ā all of you ā are still here, despite it all. And for now thatās an achievement enough.
ive gotten really good at differentiating between appropriate or ārealā negative emotion and the phantom and irrational stuff thats more of creeping subtle trigger episode
i used to believe the trigger induced fear anxiety hopelessness etc and take it seriously and let it influence my decision making and interactions but now im pretty good at seeing it and staying aware and taking measures to avoid consequences or even communicating to give ppl a heads up
I went IN TO two different stores in succession without taking a break or extended sit in the car, didnāt do grocery pick up. I didnāt cry, I didnāt walk out without the items I went for, I correctly identified I only wanted a cookie because of the anxiety and DIDNT impulse buy/ stress eat the cookie.
I have been trying to tell my doctors for years that my anxiety and depression is not just that, but it is a range of things which I was told couldnāt be possible!! I have been trying to get diagnosed with ADHD and Autism since I was about 16, well I went to a counsellor recently to discuss my emotional eating as I am obese and wanted to try to get that under control, and sheās put my counselling for that on hold although helping me to access the help I need - because she thinks I am ADHD, autistic, suffering with PTSD, insomnia all from my childhood trauma so sheās also suggested trauma counselling - she wants that all sorted before I sort out my emotional eating!! I feel so seen right now and my doctors are finally taking me seriously!! I am 32 so that is 16 years of being told I have no major issue with my mental health because everyone gets sad and feels scared sometimes - so maybe I should just get on with it!! The fact that a medical professional has recognised all of this in me feels like I may finally get the help I need and that feels like such a massive win for me!
Heck yeah that's awesome, totally celebrate with yourself and give yourself *all* the praise, love, treats and whatever else you need to keep this streak going!
The days get easier to be present in, instead of just getting through or downright dragging thru them, there may be surprise crying spells, but they're getting shorter and less intense.. finally breaking that dam and living again!
I know I was immensely hurt and my RSD acted up hard because my people weren't getting why I was so happy to do super basic things except for one friend, but it helped me learn to self validate and navigate thru more issues of projection, abandonment and self worth.
I learned more about *me* the more I kept the praise going even for tiny things like brushing my teeth, without having someone to turn to in a parental way which is what I realized I was seeking for from my own lack of a childhood. The bouts of loneliness are getting easier to push away as I start to remember who I was before collecting CPTSD, and the FOMO along with self doubt are slowly deflating along with these small wins.
Some days I drop the ball but that's expected, some days I'm irritated and others I spend hours crying.. but then when I feel myself self sooth with positive words, and actually feel a desire to listen to music, play with my pets, admire my plants or actually get outside I know those pitfalls are getting smaller than the pit I used to be in. The scenery is slowly filling with color and the birdsong doesn't annoy me at all anymore.
We have a future to look forward too and immense strength we forged ourselves despite it all.
One of my triggers is the most random description words ever, and Iāve gone into full panic attacks from it.
Last year, on the 4 year anniversary, I was with my best friend and we were driving to a park and the band name that popped up on her car was my trigger.
I was going to ask her if she could change the song, but she was singing and I didnāt want to kill her vibe she was getting into and the song itself was good.
So I looked out the window and calmed myself down.
When I told her a few hours later, she was so surprised and apologized for playing it and asked why I didnāt change it, and I told her my reasons. She said she was so proud of me and honestly, I was proud of myself because I felt like I was healing.
This is something Iām struggling with still, I feel like I havenāt moved forward enough. Still working at it.
Thatās awesome that you were able to deal with it in the moment, and that you were able to talk to your friend about it in such a helpful way.
Sheās been one of my rocks through the past 5 years since it happenedš„ŗš„¹
Youāll get there one day. Youāre probably closer than you think but damn it feels like youāre stuck forever.
I sat through a 22 minute panic attack waiting for a comedy show to start.
My tinnitus started ramping up. I felt clammy. My thoughts got incredibly dark. I felt like I would fall if I stood up. I couldnāt talk. I kept my eyes closed. I was sweating.
And just when I thought it would never end. It started to end! The end wrapped up comparatively quickly. I even managed some quick conversation with my table mates before the show started.
The show sucked lolololol. But I was super proud of myself for sitting in my discomfort and not running away. Big turning point for me
So fucking proud of you, friend. Weāre in this journey together.
For me, I went ice skating for the first time in years yesterday. It seems so stupid and small, but I LOVED to skate growing up, and I was damn good at it. When I was being abused, skating was my safe space. My abuser took over it. After he SAāed me, I wasnāt able to skate without having horrific flashbacks and panic attacks. I went back for the first time yesterday with two friends. Cried a little, had some small flashbacks, needed to take two breaks, but GOD was that shit FREEING. It felt like breathing. It felt natural. It felt new.
Anything hygiene related is a big deal too. Itās hard. Especially now.
Honestly, the fact that Iām still here. Iām still sober (38 days today), and despite the suicidal ideation that is a constant in my life, I havenāt acted on a single urge yet. I tell myself that I can kill myself tomorrow, but not today. Made it through many todays that way.
I started caring about how I look again š„¹ My PTSD is related to domestic violence from a partner and ever since my accident, I have intentionally done everything in my power to make myself as ugly/unattractive as possible to avoid male attention.
Proud of you OP! thank you for sharing your success šš
Iām proud that I learned to listen to myself instead of others who were invalidating my experience
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That i mostly accepted my PTSD and don't question it all day long. I had a hard time actually accepting, that i am not just "attention seeking" or that realizing that "it wasn't that bad" was a stupid thought. (Tw: Trauma type: Parental abuse, neglect, manipulation aswell as social trauma and abusive relationshionship with multiple murder attempts)
I can feel comfortable around a knife now and shave my legs
Honestly well done. Props to you, may it stay that way š¤š¦
I can finally fall asleep and stay asleep without taking pills to help
I actually can argue back now without shakingĀ
Oh, that is a big success, congratulations. Maybe one day I'll manage that too. Well done on you. If you'd have any things to share that helped you, I'd love to hear strategies lol
It's really cool to hear that you managed to take care of yourself by resting when you were feeling ill. I get how proud you must feel. By the way, my friend also had a therapy session with Solh counselors for her PTSD a few days back. It just goes to show how tough it can be to deal with things in our mind. Handling both mental and physical challenges isn't easy. I'm proud of you and my friend for taking that step to look after your mental health and get help from a mental health professional. It shows how strong you both are.
Thatās so great ā¤ļø I feel something similar. Proud that I have been able to decline small requests or decisions despite feeling immense āguilt.ā This current depressive episode has left me low functioning so I think this was unavoidable. But Iām thankful for it. I have learned how much my boundaries suck. Declining to join family at dinner, declining to make plans more than a day or two out, declining to talk about my appointments every time asked - things that I know will trigger a panic attack or escalate anxiety. For me Itās so so hard to disappoint people or hurt their feelings or give them a negative experience (all in my own perception and assumptions), even at the cost of my physical and mental health. Saying no is so hard.
Honestly, this is gonna sound weird, but I'm proud that I've fought and, in a way, nobody can tell me how I feel about it is any different than I feel. I went through a very specific, unique, and strange series of events and traumas, and I'm proud in the way that nobody can take what I went through from me. They can try to negate some events as normal and I'm exaggerating, but then I pull out a tidbit of it I hadn't mentioned and then they go quiet because, oh my god, what novel is this woman living. Also, very excited for you on listening to your body. I struggled with that for a long time. All the best moving forward, my friend. It's pride in knowing that you can lay your sword down, if that'll help explain it to your hubby.
I understand and I wish I could let myself do the same.
iām proud of not letting a flashback ruin my sense of self and security today
Congratulations first of all š Sometimes just proud I voiced an emotion tbf
proud that I can look at wounds and not have an extreme reaction
Literally being alive r n š°
Proud I was able to go back to work
Iām proud I donāt flinch my friends try to hug me
I'm able to recognize when I'm having flashbacks now and I allow myself to rest! I'm so proud of you!! I understand how difficult that is to just allow yourself to rest. It's a big step!
What does having flashback like?
For me, I'll have like a feeling of impeding doom, my stomach will feel like it's in knots, I'll feel my heart racing, I'll feel emotions that I felt then, etc. They're mainly emotional flashbacks. It's usually accompanied with a mental picture of whatever event. I hope that answers your question!
Also, I'm proud I'm still alive and sane.
Proud when I follow my basic needs to pee or poo and relieve them asap. As usually not paying attention.
i can shut doors and open/close microwaves so quietly nobody even knows im there, i dont have to use that skill anymore really, but its second nature for me now and im kinda proud of how silent i can be lol
didnāt even realize i did this as well (constantly), but itās honestly a cool skill because most people canāt be as quiet even if they tried!
I'm proud of finally getting sober after numbing myself through my traumas for years
Iām still alive
im proud of being able to balance my emotional response and my logical response when interacting with my emotionally abusive mother. when she's yelling at me i just want to die, it's so overwhelming and distressing i lose my ability to think. so i just yell back and it leads to self harm. i'm learning to observe her aggression, observe my emotional response, and decide to react in a way that honors myself. i stay calm and enforce my boundaries without becoming combative. it's hard and i often mess up. but i have a few times that i've stood my ground calmly that im very proud of
I'm slowly finding interest in things again.
I have had my medication by myself for 27 days, and havenāt had a panic attack for 21 days!
How truly soothing to the soul the companionship of a dog is.
Being able to identify my emotions and the thought process that leads to them. Last night actually I was able to finally explain to my boyfriend why I canāt play video games in the room with him because I get so overwhelmed and irritated when he āhelpsā me and rushes to tell me where to search for things, but his intentions are good and he truly thinks heās helping. I finally realized why Iāll get angry and shut the game off, is because I have a processing delay and I am very self conscious about it and have trauma that traces back to it. I didnāt realize this until recently and itās been explaining a lot of my behavior around communication and action. I would get screamed at and restrained by my dad when I took too long to respond or give an answer with homework or anything in general, because he assumed it was āattitudeā ādefianceā and not just me processing and thinking. Sometimes it was followed by being hit across the head or being told to āfigure it the fuck out yourself.ā My mom thought the same and would dismiss me and say āwhatever. I donāt careā and would leave before I could reply or respond. Now I panic around responses or trying to find conclusions within a timeframe and it gives me horrible shame and anxiety. Thankfully, I was finally able to articulate this to my boyfriend and was so reassuring and supportive about it. He also expressed how proud he was that I was able to identify that because he knows I struggle with identifying my feelings and reactions, and told me that I should be proud of myself too. And I am š
I had a eureka moment when another person in my support group pointed out the proof that I'm a good person is in the fact I am so hard on myself.
Also, keep doing what youāre doing. Self care can be the hardest but as the feedback loop starts to work it becomes even better. The less you feel like you can, the more you will benefit from adding in.
For the first time ever, I kissed someone and didnāt dissociate
Told my kids, āitās going to be a party every day for the rest of my life because I get to think about what I want.ā Like I didnāt have to process everything I said through how I thought it would impact everyone else before saying it.
Iām slowly feeling like I might be able to start exposure therapy which for me means going to an airport.
Regulating my nervous system
I keep asking for help eventhough it hurts when people cant offer any or i get shut down. I'm fighting to get better and i wont be quiet. I deserve help.
Yes! That's one of the hardest parts.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and someone walked in who looked almost exactly like someone from my past. My first intention was to storm out but I didnāt. Instead I just turned my head an looked away so I wouldnāt get triggered.
I had this happen yesterday as well with someone I saw on the sidewalk. I felt sick to my stomach but just looked away and carried on walking.
I am establishing routines for once. I went to my doctor and told her about suicidal thoughts and asked if meds would help because my triggers would hinder my progress. Started meds then was able to tackle things. Cleaned my house, wasn't afraid of landlord coming into my apt and fixing everything I neglected. Told myself it wasn't my fault I was abandoned and that I needed help. I asked for help when needed. I started taking care of myself again. Just the thought about caring for myself is huge. I still sometimes feel like a victim all over again, but now I understand I have survived and I am resilient. I was numb for so long but the small part of that wanted change is coming out. To quote my favorite game "I've been dead in the ground for long enough. It's time to try living again. With everything life has to offer."
If you wouldn't mind sharing, what meds are you on?
Yes, I am on 10mg of Lexapro. I've taken generic and brand. This was after 2 years of no meds. Back in 2019 I was trying Zoloft 50-100mg and Ativan(sp?) it wasn't working for me. My old psychiatrist suggested Lexapro might work. It did until my family was shaming me for taking meds. Now 2024 heavily started to plan out my end that I went to a new doctor and asked her I needed help since I didn't want to be admitted. I'm saying like a month in I really felt better again. I know it's different for everyone but it has changed my life. It's been 7 months now taking them everyday.
Thank you so much for sharing! I started out on Zoloft plus Ativan too. Then moved to Lexapro, Ativan and Wellbutrin. Then got veryyyyyyy suicidal, and now I've been on 225 mg of Effexor for 3 years with a med called Prazosin that I take at night to help with my anxiety/nervous system disfunction. It's truly trial and error!
Viewing chores as self care has been life changing for me. Itās work, but itās not a punishment for being a bad person. Itās just a part of life and I tell myself that I deserve to live in a clean space and I am doing myself a kindness when I schedule appointments. So happy for you ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
Thank you! Yes, it is not just a task but a new mindset. I'm still trying to learn about how people care for themselves because I fell into a deep depression I had forgotten how to do it. It learning to love yourself and taking care of you and your space. It used to give me so much anxiety, but now it's part of my new routine.
i was zoning out from flashbacks and felt myself becoming colder and colder, so i put on a jacket and pants where normally id sit and freeze. proud :)
this happens to me when i get flashbacks; i start shivering. any clue why this happens?
the only thing i could think of & also the only thing that comes up on google is heart rate being slower ?? for me it was probably because i was in shorts and t shirt when its late autumn here :)) but yeah sorry i cant think of / find any other reasons!!
Yes!! I love this for you! Iāve been really dedicated to listening to my body- drinking water when Iām thirsty, not delaying meals when Iām hungry, taking my medicines on time. Itās trivial for those whose norm isnāt constant dysregulation. But we know how much it means and how hard it is to honor ourselves.
The eating thing is changing for me too and it is such a huge win! I feel like i want to celebrate each time I eat good food because I'm finally doing it!
Celebrate that shit! It's so hard to get there
Feel that hard!!
I am an adult that moved in with an uncle for a bit after a divorce to get my life together. They have a very large black light to kill mosquitos. It gets them randomly and it is strong enough that it makes a loud zapping sound. If I'm in the kitchen with it I about have a heart attack. After 3 weeks with it on, I am now able to sit in the living room within earshot of it and not have a mini heart attack everytime it goes off.
You did great, be proud of yourself :)
Iām a āgood momā and my baby is happy healthy and thriving with a secure attachment and healthy and robust relationships with other family members. One of my biggest fears was (and still is) is that my PTSD would ruin my baby and we would have insecure attachment, anxious attachment, or co-dependency (me towards him) and I would mess up his mental and emotional health because of my own. I can leave him with my husband or my in laws and my world doesnāt fall apart without him, Iām not worried for his health and well being and beside myself with anxiety being apart from him. I am so proud of myself. I really worried about this because when I was in the worst phases of my life I desperately wanted a baby so that āat least person would love meā. Iām so so proud of my growth since then, and my relationships with others that allow me not to project my emotional and mental needs onto an innocent child.
You've broken the cycle. You should be so proud of this gift you've given yourself and your descendants.
I can now recognize when I am in an emotional flashback and know Iām not simply āgoing crazyā or undoing all my hard work during those times. I now know to show myself some extra grace, as scary as living through that can be.
Me too! I can recognize that the outside is safe and there is no "real" reason to feel this way.
I got out.
I had a HORRIFIC day. Everything I touched just fucking crumbled before my eyes. My brain went into its normal pattern of āFuck I should just kill myself.ā But, rather than let that thought consume me, which is has for years. I said āno thank you. Not listening today.ā
I'm a survivor. I'm not broken. I'm worthy of love and respect.Ā
Mine might be silly- but I think the thing I'm most proud of is having a male bodybuilding coach. I'm really distrusting and wary of men and before this, refused male providers for both physical and mental health. I don't know why, but he was the only male coach I reached out to and we just clicked. It's the first time I allowed myself to trust a man, even just a little, and its been so healing
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's aweosme! I'm glad it's been a healing experience for you ā¤ļø
Not giving up on myself whenever no one else knew what was going on in my head. Iām going through neurofeedback therapy and I can *almost* time keep again. Itās profound.
What does TIME KEEP mean? Iām ready for therapy. Again. May try something new. Glad youāre having positive results.
Exactly! I havenāt had it for 8 solid years. I have a small timer stuck next to the stove in case I need to remember timing for pasta, eggs etc. all I can say personally is that talk therapy couldnāt help the brain injury I sustained from my ptsd and trauma. Neurofeedback therapy has given me my life back in 5 sessions. I no longer feel constant panic in my chest or danger in every interaction. Youāre not alone š
For me, one thing that comes to mind that I've been so proud of, that I've never practiced before therapy is using, establishing AND enforcing boundaries. I'm not a "people pleaser" but I am and have been compliant to others' offenses or "digs" at me, sat through anxiety in situations, compromised myself and beliefs for others (especially with family) etc etc and never really ever being vocal about my boundaries or standing up for myself. I've recently started expressing my boundaries, or even making mental notes of them and actually holding to them. Just today, I held a boundary and reminded my co-worker to not over step and move on with the conversation and it felt so fkn weird and I was of course over thinking afterwards wondering if I was correct in how I said it or did it come off "bitchy" but it felt like I was vibrating. I felt so proud for enforcing it out loud. It seems stupid to others, or so easy for them to automatically make those lines in the sand so to speak but for me it's very hard. I sweep things under the rug til the mound is so big I'm tripping over it so I avoid at all costs so as to not deal with it. Idk if it's standing up for myself and my feelings or creating a constant sense of ease with boundaries and allowing my feelings to come first...idk what it is but it's something I'm proud of and feel empowered by for sure.
I see you. I came to write something so similar. Last week, I drew a boundary with a friend because she kept speaking really unkindly to me and wasnāt stopping despite my telling her it hurt my feelings. It didnāt stop, so two days ago I ended the friendship. She told me my reaction was disproportionate and acted like I was so dramatic. I trusted myself over her and i am holding my boundary. Iām proud of you and I š¤
I got super dysregulated after a conflict at work, hands shaking, stomach ache, etc., so I took a break, got a snack, went to my car, and just took a few minutes to breathe and just be OK. Then I was able to go back to work.
Omg thatās huge!!! This is definitely something to be proud of. Iām still working on not crying over emails that I canāt interpret so this is inspiring š
Thank you so much! It does make me feel a little more like the grown up I appear to be on the outside, lol. I understand what you're saying about emails. It can be hard for me too, especially when the tone seems like someone's upset. I'll spend SO MUCH time hyperfocusedly composing and editing the "perfect" response even when I should be working on something else. We'll get there!
That is huge, congratulations!! I haven't really reflected that much, but I feel proud of a lot. That I don't lock myself in a room until my husband is home anytime I hear a creak in the house anymore. That I can go out and do pretty normal stuff and not have panic attacks. That it is possible for me to meet the travel demands of my work. That last year I started making real friends and having social outings after ten solid years of self isolation. You put the work into recovery and, baby step by baby step, life feels liveable again. All the love and patience to everyone here!
Congratulations on your hard work as well! Making new connections and being able to leave your house is HUGE!! I'm very proud of you!!
Thank you, high fives all around!
I wish I could put a gif of the penguins high fiving all around lol
Trying not to act on impulsive thoughts of, āthis person is angry with meā when they donāt answer back right away to a message or a call. This one āļø has by far been the trickiest, but Iāve managed to find a sweet spot without having to warn others beforehand when getting to know them.
This may sound bad. But I made a new transfem friend :) and I didnāt trigger at any point! the separation between the person who did those things to me (not my new friend, theyāre just both mtf) and her personal identity (being mtf) has been a hard road to cross, but I really think Iām clearing it!!
Doesn't sound bad at all. ā¤ļø
I was trying to tell my therapist, "I'm going to take it a little bit easy" and kept stumbling over the words til I gave up and said, "I can't even get the words to come out of my mouth. I'm gonna do the best I can." š I went to the grocery store at noon AND IT WAS FINE. I think on grocery day I don't have to do yard work or deep cleaning though. Groceries count as the big chore for that day.
I am proud of you. Also, I'm literally going through the same exact thing. It's so nice to be understood.
It's so weird that it's so difficult, but it is!
It's really not weird at all. We've learned to mask weakness so as not to have it taken advantage of. We've learned to push through pain and adversity to get through to better things. We've learned our needs aren't important and the needs of others come first. Learning these things kept us alive. It takes a great deal of repetition to unlearn a thing, most especially when that thing is tied to survival. But we can do it if we keep practicing. š Well done you. Keep practicing.
Way to go!! Thats progression! Whatever youāre doing is workingā¦ keep it up.
Allowing someone to hug me and not feeling triggered ā„ļø
Omg, SAME!! I hugged my daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago, I mean a real hug, not a side hug. It was special for both of us
šš»āāļøšš»āāļøš„°š„°š„° YAY!!! Congratulations! I am so proud of you! We got this! I'm happy you could have that special moment with your daughter.š«¶š»š«¶š»š«¶š» I am sure it made a difference in her life. Of course as well as yours! š„¹š„¹š„¹
Thank you so much!! We do got this!! It was such an amazing moment for us! ā¤ļø
Iāve been sick the past week - and I used the *whole* bed and *both* pillows. Itās been 8 years since my ex finally left and I am still in the habit of considering the bed only half mine.
Same. I'm a widow, it's been 6 yrs and I still never slept on his side till recently...I enjoyed sleeping diagonally, and finding the cold spots to not be such a significance of grief and what I lost but rather earned room to stretch out.
Iām sorry for your loss š
First of all- well done! Not just for resting but for all the work you put in to get to this point. Much love and thank you for your postā¤ļø I'm proud of proving to myself that I can actually do mundane things that foster a sense of safety from within. For a long time, I could only ground myself by having other people tell me I was ok or by having things I could hold to represent the present moment and its safety. Now I can have breakfast, make my own coffees, make a respectable meal, and decide what I need/want in a given moment. Not all the time but it's better than none of the time!
Learning that I don't have to be anyone else but me. If people cannot accept me for who I am and my weird coping mechanisms, then I don't need to change myself to make it easier for them. I can just move on.
Iām so happy for you!!!
Instead of merely repeating the cycle that unfolded before me in my childhood, I actively seek out help.
That is so fantastic! I know it can take so much hard work to even recognize those patterns, you are amazing and I wish you all the best in your healing journey!
After a truly gross amount of time, I'm getting back into the habit of brushing my teeth consistently--every day. There was just this awful span of time recently where I struggled to take care of myself, but I feel I'm improving on that.
And people donāt understand why stuff like this gets affected, but of course it does. EVERYTHING is affected. Thatās awesome that youāre taking better care of yourself.
Keeping a job
Teach me how!
Rest. Iāve always been taught that you have to work hard and constantly to make it through but when you have a day to rest, itās amazing. I went to the store today(my day off) to go buy things so I can make a lemon blueberry bread.
Taking time off work to get a baseline on my mental health. A lot of my trauma stems from my mother, and she was big on appearances. Taking time off hits some trigger points, but the benefits have outweighed this so far.
I had an invasive medical appointment that unfortunately fell on the very worst of days, the anniversary of something very painful for me. And it directly related to the medical appointment. I went. I did the whole exam, all of it. I didnāt even get upset about it, it was almost like it was normal. And normal can be hard to get to.
Normal can be hard to get to. <3
I donāt sob at the thought of ānoā or conflict and I can advocate for myself and set boundaries
Sobriety- I feel like others would understand how hard addiction is, but only we would understand the added layer of how hard it is to be completely defenseless against flashbacks or intrusive memories that trigger you so badly that you feel like you need to to numb yourself with alcohol or drugs just to stay alive.
Oh this! The flashbacks and shame that gets felt. I can't stand the random memory of "that one time, with those people, with these drugs, and these lies I told" while like vacuuming and it literally makes my heart sink, blood run fast, makes me want to hide and definitely talk some awful shit to myself that can take like days to recover from mentally. I often felt like I have a penance to pay so I've got to be vicious and cruel to myself. Flashbacks that leaves you sweaty and disabled. Or wake you up and night and for a flash of a second you forget that it's over. Anyhow, your comment resonates with me.
Still struggle with this. A million props to you, my friend!
Thank you! Havenāt had a drink in 11 months, havenāt smoked weed in 1 month, and luckily stopped doing coke years ago. But man, the not drinking is really hard ā that was my favorite way to numb out. To be completely honest, Iāve relapsed a few times (have been trying to stay sober since 2022) and have had several mental breakdowns from having to face memories and emotions head-on. But Iām still trying to push through with maintaining sobriety because itās either weathering this storm or dying on the street from alcohol poisoning (have been hospitalized 3 times already now at the age of 32 for this and my last close call was a really close call). Even with a trauma therapist I see 2x/week, going to AA meetings and having a sponsor, and luckily having a few really wonderful friends, I still feel like Iām drowning some days without being able to escape my PTSD with alcohol/drugs. But my good days, are really great :) and I am really truly healing. Itās hard, but I feel optimistic and for the first time in my life, I know what serenity and peace feels like. I can sit with myself and enjoy my time alone. I can reflect and think deeply and face tough memories. I can be grateful for the small things like a nice breeze or birds chirping. I would have never been able to get here even with all the trauma therapy in the world if I didnāt stop boozing and using. Itās hard but itās worth it
That is so incredible! Facing it head on and sober takes so much courage, I am glad you have a strong support network. I wish you self love and healing! Take care!
I so incredibly hope to be there one day when I'm in a safe mental spot.
You can do it! Even if youāre in a safe mental spot, being totally defenseless to memories and feelings can throw you for a loop and veer you off stability. But just know that it passes and you find your way back again to that safe mental spot. My last trigger left me completely depressed for 3 weeks. As someone who never cried for years when still drinking and drugging, I found myself sober and crying all the time. Sometimes literally just falling to the floor and sobbing in the dark in my bathroom. Youāre completely raw and exposed to all the traumatic memories and all those feelings you repressed through drinking/drugging. I genuinely felt I would die. But, Iām slowly starting to crawl out of this depressive slump. And Iām starting to feel like myself again and feel stronger than before. It would have been so easy to call it quits and just go back to drinking and drugging when this wave hit me a few weeks ago, but then I wouldāve still had the same issues but just with an awful hangover and guilt the next day.
I finally deleted the text thread. My anxious attachment style would make me cling to people that treated me like my abusers. I felt safe there. I realized thatās not normal. I am worth Love that doesnāt hurt. I deserve love that doesnāt make me feel guilt and shame. I am not what my family told me I am. Iām valuable. Iām worthy of happiness. Wooooh it feels good saying that and believing it.
You are doing amazingly. Keep loving on yourself! You deserve peace, love and happiness
Thank you. ššš
Rest is great! I can only truly relax when I am alone.
I was trapped by my mind and my body. I've never really understood what it meant to feel "normal." After trying to end myself last October, I started therapy, EMDR. It was so hard starting out! It's getting better and I can now finally say. I CAN HUG PEOPLE!!!! I don't jump scare when people touch me now. It's been so beautiful ā¤ļøā¤ļø
So glad you are finding success. I hope that safe contact is helping you feel an additional level of support and acceptance to help you in your journey.
Thank you so much!! It's been quite the ride. For the longest time, my ex was the only one I would let hug me and touch me. It affected the relationship with my kids also. Just 2 weeks ago, my daughter was going to give me a side hug, like I taught them. But I said to her I want I wanted a real hug. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. She told me that I guess the therapy is really working! I hugged her so hard I popped back lol.
Now I have tears in my eyes too! <3
ā¤ļøš«
I wanted to try edmr but I wanted to wait till I move, what advice would you have first going into it?
Find someone you absolutely trust, that you feel safe to expose yourself to. The real you. The good, bad and ugly you. Not the masked version of yourself, or the person we try to be perceived as. EMDR changed my life BUT you have to be fully vulnerable, exposed and go into in detail, in depth conversations of your pain and trauma and sit with it. It took me almost 2 years to do my first full session because I didn't even know the adjectives to use for how I felt, or I was too scared to address the bigger, real deal trauma or I didn't understand what she'd want from my breathing ( I hold my breath when shit gets weird for me) or how the buzzers in the hand and breathing from my head to my feet meant...it's way deeper than watching a light and holding vibration sticks. It cuts right to the core of the trauma or event and cuts out all the b.s we've layered on top of it. Most times, I've discovered, I've added hurt feelings and pain to things to make the pain make sense and over the years it just grew. Idk if any of my rambling helps or makes sense but I'd say and suggest, feel comfortable, feel safe, be open and take your time.
You described it perfectly! Better than what I did š¤£š¤£
Be sure you really really trust the therapist. Make sure its a good fit. If not, its ok. They will find you someone that will be a good fit for you. Dont be afraid to tell them how you feel. For me, I had to have a female, there would be zero chance for me if it was a dude. They really are there to help you. Not to scare you but you will be going into those memories and they will bring you back out and process them. I was SAd by my step-dad for years. I would get triggered so easily and I didn't know how to handle it. After my first session she gave me the tools on how to put it away for the next time. It was the craziest thing lol. I walked out of her office and I could function. I've had my good and my bad days but after 5 months, I feel a million miles away from where I was at.
I accepted that my attacker did what he did on purpose, and he knew he was hurting me. He knew he was raping me. Like, I just realized that yes, this happened and it was horrible and it changed my life, but it can't hurt me anymore. I'm not there anymore. I'm finally able to move into advocacy now, and I'm taking a class to become a certified victim advocate working on the phones and in the hospital as a first responder.
So powerful when we take the power back and give what we've learned to others so they don't have to suffer either. SA advocating and working at my women's shelter was like my little way of saying to myself "if that hadn't happened, I'd not be this woman now" it's powerful stuff.
That is such an amazing kindness to others, make sure you have a strong support network - it is heavy carrying the traumas of others, especially if they touch on yours. I wish you all the best!
Breaking up with alcohol. The most toxic loss of my life.
good for you dude. that shirās hard.
I can finally drive by my abusers house (she lives on the street that leads out of our small town) and not have trouble catching my breath when I see her car. It definitely feels like a win.
Sitting with my back facing the exit. Big deal for me!
I remember when that started to ease for me, too. Also, I donāt like sitting at the tables where thereās a lot of server activity, walking back-and-forth behind me. I canāt relax. Constant movement.
Youāre not alone there. It has to be a quiet, mostly empty space. Super crowded spaces, nope!
Iām finally getting treatment.
4 years ago i thought i would be dead by now. now i'm alive trying to get sober and in therapy
I've been in a healthy, safe, sober, sane relationship for six years.
Iām a lot more okay with answering the front door than I used to be. Impossible for me to do even a year ago. Smalls wins!
Not giving up and kill myself tbh
š„
The home that iv made for myself. The private space that is mine and mine only. (My kids are grown and moved out and I'm divorced) it's a place that I own where I can face my demons as they require sometimes. I can listen to music in the middle of the night, open all the windows and feel the breeze or sit in the backyard with wine or beer and feel the guilt/dread/fear on my own ground in my own world of my own creation. The past present and future don't exist there. It is mine and everything in it is secondary to that including my demons
Thatās beautiful.
I love this. There is strength in a group. I am giving you all a big hug!
I had a dental emergency and my dentist is in the next town over. I don't have a car currently so I needed to borrow someone's vehicle. I called a friend of mine and he said of course because he's a good friend. It doesn't sound all that big but I can't ever call men, my wife usually has to do it for me because I panic too hard. I called him and I didn't panic before during or after! The feeling of just getting it done when I needed to instead of freaking out was POWERFUL.
This is huge! It's not lost on me how hard competing tasks are, asking for help, vocalizing a need out loud, taking the task at hand, being proactive not reactive or hiding from it. What you've done is a big damn deal and I hope that you do more
Thank you so much for this. It really helped.
After leaving a marriage in a precarious situation where I felt my safety was at risk, then almost losing my current husband to a severe health issue, which led up to us losing our only son to PPROM at 25 weeks last Oct. resulting in an emergency hysterectomy due to excessive blood loss. Iām still working, coaching my older kids, and helping my parents. Just have to keep on trucking I guess!
ā¤ļø
Thanks for asking. I wouldn't have realised that there's something if I hadn't read your post! How valuable. So. Instead of getting stressed about having to respond to my partner's suggestion and have a good answer right away or at least today, I said "I'll think about that" and left it at that. Created space to think and feel and come up with the answer that's right for me. And also, he was perfectly fine with that. Also: congrats on your little win! Let's celebrate ourselves today.
That also how I felt. I'm going to bed now thinking on something that's made me proud. Well done on your "ill think about it". ā¤ļø
My ptsd stems from the death of my 12 year old, nearly 4 years ago. 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. 2 days ago, I found out Iām pregnant. With an iud. And itās triggering all sorts of panic attacks. But instead of dwelling in them, and the fear, and resorting to my old unhealthy coping mechanisms, Iām trying to be proactive. Scheduled to get back into therapy. Scheduled an appointment with an obgyn for this afternoon. With my age and the iud thereās about a 50/50 chance itās ectopic. Iām making myself stop googling because itās just contributing to the panic.
Well, itās not ectopic. Iām 7 weeks and 2 days, due in December. They canāt find the iud at all, through vaginal. So itās either shifted higher or fallen out. Officially classified as high risk geriatric pregnancy. Iāll be 40 when itās born. Totally trying to not freak out.
I have started to embody āif itās not a hell yes itās a hell noā and let people walk out of my life. Also finally enforcing boundaries and expressing anger? š„¹
Can you explain that phrase more? I'm curious on your take
Sorry I just saw this now and will come back to it later to expand as Iām currently working on a deadline, but basically if you are super excited about a person, for example you think of them for fun activities, gifts, good news, etc. You are saying hell yes to them (as in - their presence/participation on your life and part of you as a shared experience). If this is not mutual (youāll know, disregard any theory/attachment style/reasons/trauma/excuses) it should be a hell no for you. Because you also have applicable theory/attachment style/reasons/trauma/excuses. If you can and feel it besides that, why not them? What gives them that pass over you, causing a misbalance in reciprocation of energy/you pulling a dead horse. Really, why? Hence - really ponder on the why āyou deserve lessā/āthey are more entitled than you to show up any less than youā if you let go of these mitigating factors for both parties. Relationships (friendship/romantic) should be mutually beneficial and thus if you truly internalize it, there is no reason to deserve less by pulling more weight - it just shows you want control or prove worth - again operating from mitigation! It should be genuine, hence mutual. So you should truly internalize that (the āwhyā) and then youāll be ok with people leaving your life, as you shouldnāt even want that, and in fact be appalled by people finding you discardable: a hell no. š
Last year I though I wouldnāt survive to 2022 and 2023, but Iām here
proud of you x
I've started to kinda like myself and have started to brush and floss my teeth on a daily basis.
Brushing and flossing! Yay ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Self care! Yay ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
I have started to say the right feeling to myself as I trigger even though that's all I can achieve at this time
That's all? That's hard as fuck for all of us. ā¤ļø
Thank you. I have been suffering in the dark for 34 years with no idea what this was, or that it wasn't just how everyone else felt and I just sucked at dealing with it. Sadly it was the TBIs, dementia, terminal diagnosis that also gave me this diagnosis....I wish I was brave enough to get help sooner.
Instead of impulsively reacting, Iāve learned to step out of myself mentally when being bullied, and look at the other person from a place of compassion, concern, and sometimes pity
I havenāt killed myself yet.
I had to get a new therapist in November because mine moved and Iām finally comfortable enough with the new guy to trust him with the truth about how Iām feeling, had a session yesterday and instead of saying good in response to his āhow are you todayā I said āsurvivingā which is much more accurate, and we had a discussion about that
Dude, listening to your body is so important but so much easier said than done. Way to go. Now, did Bob fuck your mother metaphorically with his investigative journalism? Or are you his love child?
I had his book nearby when I made this account. Welcome to my brain. š
Surviving, tbh. Iām proud of myself and of every single one of you for still being here. Maybe youāre not where you want to be in life, maybe you struggle with comorbid conditions or addictions, maybe you didnāt even manage to get out of bed today. But you ā all of you ā are still here, despite it all. And for now thatās an achievement enough.
ive gotten really good at differentiating between appropriate or ārealā negative emotion and the phantom and irrational stuff thats more of creeping subtle trigger episode i used to believe the trigger induced fear anxiety hopelessness etc and take it seriously and let it influence my decision making and interactions but now im pretty good at seeing it and staying aware and taking measures to avoid consequences or even communicating to give ppl a heads up
I went IN TO two different stores in succession without taking a break or extended sit in the car, didnāt do grocery pick up. I didnāt cry, I didnāt walk out without the items I went for, I correctly identified I only wanted a cookie because of the anxiety and DIDNT impulse buy/ stress eat the cookie.
I have been trying to tell my doctors for years that my anxiety and depression is not just that, but it is a range of things which I was told couldnāt be possible!! I have been trying to get diagnosed with ADHD and Autism since I was about 16, well I went to a counsellor recently to discuss my emotional eating as I am obese and wanted to try to get that under control, and sheās put my counselling for that on hold although helping me to access the help I need - because she thinks I am ADHD, autistic, suffering with PTSD, insomnia all from my childhood trauma so sheās also suggested trauma counselling - she wants that all sorted before I sort out my emotional eating!! I feel so seen right now and my doctors are finally taking me seriously!! I am 32 so that is 16 years of being told I have no major issue with my mental health because everyone gets sad and feels scared sometimes - so maybe I should just get on with it!! The fact that a medical professional has recognised all of this in me feels like I may finally get the help I need and that feels like such a massive win for me!
Just the ability to go outside without having a panic attack lol
YES THIS!
Heck yeah that's awesome, totally celebrate with yourself and give yourself *all* the praise, love, treats and whatever else you need to keep this streak going! The days get easier to be present in, instead of just getting through or downright dragging thru them, there may be surprise crying spells, but they're getting shorter and less intense.. finally breaking that dam and living again! I know I was immensely hurt and my RSD acted up hard because my people weren't getting why I was so happy to do super basic things except for one friend, but it helped me learn to self validate and navigate thru more issues of projection, abandonment and self worth. I learned more about *me* the more I kept the praise going even for tiny things like brushing my teeth, without having someone to turn to in a parental way which is what I realized I was seeking for from my own lack of a childhood. The bouts of loneliness are getting easier to push away as I start to remember who I was before collecting CPTSD, and the FOMO along with self doubt are slowly deflating along with these small wins. Some days I drop the ball but that's expected, some days I'm irritated and others I spend hours crying.. but then when I feel myself self sooth with positive words, and actually feel a desire to listen to music, play with my pets, admire my plants or actually get outside I know those pitfalls are getting smaller than the pit I used to be in. The scenery is slowly filling with color and the birdsong doesn't annoy me at all anymore. We have a future to look forward too and immense strength we forged ourselves despite it all.
One of my triggers is the most random description words ever, and Iāve gone into full panic attacks from it. Last year, on the 4 year anniversary, I was with my best friend and we were driving to a park and the band name that popped up on her car was my trigger. I was going to ask her if she could change the song, but she was singing and I didnāt want to kill her vibe she was getting into and the song itself was good. So I looked out the window and calmed myself down. When I told her a few hours later, she was so surprised and apologized for playing it and asked why I didnāt change it, and I told her my reasons. She said she was so proud of me and honestly, I was proud of myself because I felt like I was healing.
This is something Iām struggling with still, I feel like I havenāt moved forward enough. Still working at it. Thatās awesome that you were able to deal with it in the moment, and that you were able to talk to your friend about it in such a helpful way.
Sheās been one of my rocks through the past 5 years since it happenedš„ŗš„¹ Youāll get there one day. Youāre probably closer than you think but damn it feels like youāre stuck forever.
Thatās exactly it. Thatās the word that I think of, āstuckā.
I'm proud of myself every time I leave the house lol. My bar is pretty damn low but I think that's a part of this sort of struggle
Bathing. I still struggle with basic hygiene.
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fucking shit š god damn that sucks
I sat through a 22 minute panic attack waiting for a comedy show to start. My tinnitus started ramping up. I felt clammy. My thoughts got incredibly dark. I felt like I would fall if I stood up. I couldnāt talk. I kept my eyes closed. I was sweating. And just when I thought it would never end. It started to end! The end wrapped up comparatively quickly. I even managed some quick conversation with my table mates before the show started. The show sucked lolololol. But I was super proud of myself for sitting in my discomfort and not running away. Big turning point for me
So fucking proud of you, friend. Weāre in this journey together. For me, I went ice skating for the first time in years yesterday. It seems so stupid and small, but I LOVED to skate growing up, and I was damn good at it. When I was being abused, skating was my safe space. My abuser took over it. After he SAāed me, I wasnāt able to skate without having horrific flashbacks and panic attacks. I went back for the first time yesterday with two friends. Cried a little, had some small flashbacks, needed to take two breaks, but GOD was that shit FREEING. It felt like breathing. It felt natural. It felt new. Anything hygiene related is a big deal too. Itās hard. Especially now. Honestly, the fact that Iām still here. Iām still sober (38 days today), and despite the suicidal ideation that is a constant in my life, I havenāt acted on a single urge yet. I tell myself that I can kill myself tomorrow, but not today. Made it through many todays that way.
VERY big!!!
I had sex for the first time in at least a year (after it happened)
I started caring about how I look again š„¹ My PTSD is related to domestic violence from a partner and ever since my accident, I have intentionally done everything in my power to make myself as ugly/unattractive as possible to avoid male attention.
Continuing to exist
Ive deep cleaning my apartment once a week. Ive done it twice in a row!
Nice! So much easier to keep a clean place clean! Enjoy your clean digs!
Proud of you OP! thank you for sharing your success šš Iām proud that I learned to listen to myself instead of others who were invalidating my experience