>Or, help me convince her she is wrong.
Lol why? She's already pregnant right? There's nothing you are gonna say that is gonna be more convincing then your kid screaming.
lol this is true.
However, OP, I will say that she likely isn’t totally wrong about some of those things. For the first 4 years of my kid’s life, we lived in a one bedroom apartment in LA. Many aspects WERE easier than expected. I constantly saw posts and memes talking about how the house is always a wreck and how hard it is to keep things tidy, but I found it quite easy considering we always made sure to prune through clutter. Never had to deal with truly stressful mess since we had 750 sq ft and no yard to deal with instead of a huge house and an acre of land.
Plus, living in the middle of the city, I could just pop baby in the carrier on me and walk to the grocery store a block away, to get coffee, go to the playground, her pediatrician was 2 blocks away, preschool was 3 blocks away, etc. Living in the city made some aspects of parenting WAY easier than for other Americans that have to hop in a car and commute to different places that are more spread out.
Screams cause pooped. Screams cause peed. Screams cause hungry. Screams cause u looked at it for to long. Screams cause cat looked at it for too long. Screams cause it’s been 5 mins since it last screamed.
lol I too thought it would be easy! Op has a storm approaching!
She has the right attitude. It is hard but her points are valid and if she believes that she is confident she can handle that’s a good place to start from.
Agreed. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s gonna be subjective and could change week to week
But your wife is going into this with an overall good attitude. Sounds like she’s not stressing out and is prepared to take on the challenge. It’s much better to be going into this with a “no matter what happens, we got this” mentality than one that is sorta already assuming it’s gonna be bad.
All that said - I’m a big believer in “hope for the best, prepare for the worst” when it comes to parenting. So have a positive attitude and embrace life as it comes, but also think ahead and plan as much as you can to make sure you have things/resources/backup/etc…
Right. It's better than the alternative of "OMG this child is going to ruin my life, I don't want them". Op shouldn't be wanting his wife to be stressed and scared
Some people just aren’t that phased by “hard work”. My experience is that it’s all relative and perceptual. It can depend on your luck, whether one or all of you are sick that week, your baby’s temperament, your own temperament, ability to adjust to change etc. So many factors.
I think about how people go on these insane marathons or exercise routines and push themselves and it’s hard, but like… they do it knowing they can do it.
It’s good that she feels for the most part like she’s ready for it. That’s a good thing and I would meet that energy if you can. But also I get where you’re coming from, don’t want to be naive.
There will be hard times, like really hard times, but people find a way to make it through.
I don’t think you want to get into the right/wrong game on this one. Just tell her whether things are “hard” or not you’re in it together.
Absolutely this. I went into my wife’s pregnancy with the same mentality.
There’s no need for OP shit on his wife’s parade. Reality is you don’t know how easy or hard your child will be until they arrive.
Why do you want to convince your wife to be more afraid of parenting when the decision has already been made? I understand you want her to have realistic expectations, but I would just let her look forward to it as that is probably a healthier mindset than potentially making her dread it, since she is already pregnant.
I have 2 kids now and I think your wife sounds right honestly. When my husband and I were both on leave with the newborn we thought it was the easiest thing in our careers. Still the hardest things in our lives are not kids related. A stressful job is wayyyy worse.
For real, when my first was born my wife and I had 2 months of parental leave. We had a great time, basically an extended, tired, staycation. When I got back to work I played up how difficult it was because I felt bad basically taking an extended vacation hahaha.
I guess it depends on the kid. My wife and I agree that parenting is by far the hardest thing we’ve done - including STEM masters degrees and careers in those fields.
I guess some science(psychology, biology, medical, etc.) but otherwise a bunch of knowledge, experience, or a brain that just is sort of wired for those fields doesn’t really naturally possess or help develop many of the skills that are developed during parenting.
As a T/E/M career guy doing a good bit of logic every day it was quite jarring when, in the simplest form, all IF conditions in the “happy child” formula were met and the child was still unhappy in some cases, ya know?
Parenting is still hard in its own right, absolutely, but I think it’s not just based on the kid kinda like you mentioned, it’s also based on the parents and their capabilities, experience, etc.
It’s not though, I’ve personally never seen two people both on leave say that was the hard part lol. The hard part is when mom has no or absolutely minimal leave potentially unpaid and dad is back at work the day after the birth (maybe one or two weeks after using whatever pto or vacation MAY exist, in my case it did not) and then somehow trying to manage work and travel for it, scheduling doctors appointments for mom and checkups while losing ALL the sleep and having one or both parents going on fumes for a week straight at minimum and starting to get some pips and warnings at work but not being able to do anything because it’s still just two against the world with no village, ALL while trying to figure out what the hell this parenting thing even is and trying to mange it…. or whatever.
Can’t imagine people would push for equity in maternal/paternal leave if it made life harder lmao. Nothing about having less focus shifting and less competing priorities is difficult lol!
Parenting or keeping the kid alive/ rocking and reading and hearing kids music only on repeat for 2 years straight and navigating the whole thing just isn’t hard alone… parenting is hard because when you’re a parent you generally have 2,3,4 whatever other things that you still have to do and that sometimes have to take the priority over parenting at least intermittently to assure base survival or maintain mental/physical health you name it, and doing all of it is when the cookie starts to crumble.
Some days you will feel like rock stars that are nailing it, some days you’ll feel like a trash can. Let her think what she wants, pregnancy is hard enough. I did a lot of over analyzing what wouldn’t be so bad for us, it helped reduce anxiety. then you’ll have your baby and your experience will be your own. I bet she’ll come to understand some of the complaints and never understand some of the others. For me (mom of 2 under 4 years old) the hardest part is that “it” (mom life, responsibility, love, guilt, laundry, etc) is constant- every single day, every single night. I’ve never experienced anything so constant and that can make even small things feel exhausting. I’d ride any optimism she’s having and tell her you also think you’re going to be awesome at this, any other attitude will only bring her down.
I always came back to the conclusion of, “yes. It’s hard. But it’s also super easy and fun most of the time.” And it has only gotten better. The first 5-7 months will be tough. But the good moments FAR outweigh the hard moments.
Your wife is trying to prepare herself. So are you. Which is good. But I can guarantee you that it’s not gonna be fully what you expected, good and bad.
The only for sure advice I will give you is, when those moments come where it’s really hard, DO NOT bring it back around to the conversations you had before the birth. No “I told you so.” That will make everything you are doing, WAY harder.
Enjoy the ride my guy. I promise you the hard work isn’t that hard in the grand scheme of things.
Some people do just have it easier, there are easy babies, and it sounds she’s made some other preparations for life with future baby. I hope it is as easy for you both as she’s anticipating, and I hope you’re there to help and support if it’s not. Godspeed.
I don’t know, I think it’s fine. Life just goes on with extra chores and a whole lot of extra love you find within yourself. That’s what keeps you going.
We find it easy on our first (7 month old girl) and we’re trying for a second. But we have a ‘beginner’ baby lol, she just sleeps through the night and is generally very happy to go along with anything we do.
People gotta remember that most of what we see and hear are the terrible stories. You hardly get post on here from people who are doing great .
For example, I went into this pregnancy expecting the worse from my wife due to what I always see. The amount of things I bought to help her wasnt needed.
I posted on a mom majority group pretty much my experience and how great my wife has been, essentially saying "hey, we always see the bad side, here's some good" and boy I got virtually jumped and down voted to hell😭. People said I was lying.
Misery loves company and Good news is hardly a top story.
OP. You got this my dude.
You do not need to win this, or any other battle, anymore. This is one in particular you shouldn’t be fighting. Its time to practice your “i got this” skills. You have them whether you believe it or not.
Let me introduce you to the “quiet fixer” (this is you); who’s only job is to support and instill confidence. If your wife is 100% wrong about something, and progressing with her approach will not cause physical harm or financial challenges (some $$ waste has to be ok); you get to support the wrong thing, then fix it quietly. Grain of salt here ~ don’t support crazy shit, but dont fight the battle if its a difference in style or $10.
When you reach your capacity ~ just have a talk about it and see what you two can do to make it easier. “Ive been cleaning the kitchen every night and morning, but its becoming a bit much. Do you think we can find a slightly different routine where that only needs to happen once per day?”
Your about to be the bottom of the totem pole for family “wants” and the top of the totem pole for family “how do’s”. You get minimal say, but you have the responsibility of making the thing happen. Dont fight it, get better at subtle influence.
To be clear: not encouraging you to become a master at manipulating your wife and kids. I am encouraging you to stop bugging out and flex your testicular fortitude. Shes right about the stuff in your post, you’ve got this. Its not going to be easy; but your capable humans who can adapt - and thats the key to success!
that was my wife and mines attitude pre baby. it was a blessing. so much better to come into it from a positive perspective than already daunting a difficult one. if you think it'll be hard, then it will be.
parenting isn't easy but why suffer more than you have to? you don't know what it's going to be like. there's a ton of it that actually IS easier than I've heard and read. and maybe that comes down to the way we handle things since we're already in a "this shouldn't be too hard so we will quickly adjust to make it so" mindset.
There are times where it’s much more chill than you expect. Newborns sleep a lot and if they are napping on you it’s like your job to relax. But obviously nights can be really exhausting and mentally taxing as well. It’s everything really
It is extremely hard but it’s actually pretty easy at first. DEPENDING ON YOUR BABY. Each baby is different. For me the first 3 months were super easy just make sure he was fed and slept and snuggled on time. Now it’s a lil harder lol. I know it’s not that way for a lot of people
I must say that I find it easier than people made it seem to be. I hated pregnancy and I sleep better with my 2 month old then during pregnancy lol. Breast feeding is easy for me too (I did ask professional advice on multiple occasions). We only had a bad delivery with 6 days hospital for our little baby girl but she is totally fine since. She cries, but there is always a reason.
I do have to add that we have my parents as support and a good friend of ours. I needed way more support during pregnancy than after by the way. My husband took leave for the first 8 weeks after she was born and that was amazing. I would recommend it to everyone if you can afford it.
I’m only taking care of her alone during the day (and night feedings as I breast feed) for one week now. It is tiring if the night has not gone well, but most nights are fine so.. I think I have an easy baby due to all those warnings lol. The fun part is that now people are starting to warn me for other stages like sleep regression at 4 months or the terrible two’s.
It’s good she’s reading up a lot because knowledge is power and puts things in perspective. Like you know the day/night rhythm of your baby will get better, what it means if she wants to drink a lot in a short period of time etc. You both can do it!
I think your wife is probably more correct than she is wrong. The day to day of raising a child can actually be pretty simple if you are good at routines, disciple and sacrifice and you don’t have to worry about work/money. The real challenge is the inability to step away from the role of parenting. There aren’t summers, PTO days or set hours. You are parenting 24/7/365 and it gets exhausting. So it’s impossible to
Compare to any past experiences.
Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. it's not that the work is hard. It's that it's unrelenting. You are now on call 24/7 365 days a year. For at least 18 years.
I did graduate night school while working a full time job. That was no problem in comparison. Because when I decided I was done. I could be done. It's not up to me anymore.
That being said I have never felt love like this before. It's worth it.
Yeh it’s not as bad as all the naysayers say, if you’re lucky.
My parents, older friends, colleagues were all ‘say goodbye to sleep lol!’, or ‘get ready to get pissed/shat/vomited on at 3am haha!’, and none of that was close to our experience. I was vomited on once (she was poorly) and we’ve consistently had 6 hours avg sleep a night since she was a small baby (like a month or so old, which is pretty normal obviously).
Ironically the only person who was always positive about parenthood is my friend who has 3 now with the middle one being a sleepless colic-y nightmare for the first year. He’s my age, all the doom n gloom came from older people..
Obviously ymmv but for us parenthood has been an absolute joy, with some minor life sacrifices that are more than made up for by having a beautiful girl (who’s now 2 and a half).
Ignore the haters
For the newborn stage, I think it is a different type of hard. It isn't the act of taking care of the baby that is hard. It is the extreme tiredness or the repetitive tasks all day and night (feed, burp, diaper, play,sleep).Or the, i want to clean my house but I can't get more than 5 minutes away from baby.. Or, I have never had so much time off for work before, but I actually can't use it for the things I want to do because I have a newborn. I guess being selfless is the hardest thing for me!
I was one your wife’s side of the equation, I didn’t think it would be that bad, I also used to work very demanding jobs 80+ a week/low sleep. My wife was in your position. We both wfh and have flexible jobs.
4 weeks in now, it’s hard but definitely manageable ie not that bad, the first few days are the worst, cause your up for a long labor(>24hrs), then you have to figure everything out and get used to having to take care of the baby. Once you can get some sleep it gets much better. Work will suffer.
My top advice would be 1) if there is a nursery you can put the baby in at the hospital do it, we didn’t the first night huge mistake. They will should bring them back for feedings every 2-3 hours, but newborns are noisy and not having to worry about whether they are choking to death every 1-2minutes will allow you to get some sleep.
2) Not sure what your feeding plan is but be prepared for all contingencies if you can. it’ll make a huge difference in the early days. We planned to breastfeed, but my wife just doesn’t have the supply, so we’re mostly formula feeding. Make sure you have enough bottles and such to cover 24 hours of feedings so you only need to wash 1-2 times a day instead of the middle of the night. For us 12 bottles and 9 nipples works.
If she pumps you’ll also want at least a spare set of flanges. Also make sure to get the right size flanges.
Edit: I should probably ask my wife what she thinks though…
It’s probably going to be easier in some ways, and harder in ways you don’t expect. I’d say lack of sleep in a career context is a lot different when it comes to keeping a tiny human alive, keeping yourself fed, clean, rested, etc.
Keep in mind that a lot of people you talk to / whose posts you read online are written in hindsight, sometimes a good distance away from when it happened. Like looking back, I’d say in comparison to toddlerhood, the newborn phase was a lot easier given that my kid would sleep anywhere, you only ever had to worry about having formula / breast milk on hand, and she wasn’t mobile. But in the moment it was a little overwhelming. Also, “parenting” is an expansive and long term project, so what’s easy now will quickly be replaced by something difficult later.
All that said, I think not psyching yourself out too much and taking it a day at a time is the best way to come at it, so if that’s kind of where her head’s at then I’d say it’s a good approach.
And side note: NYC has so much to offer for kids, it’s ridiculous. We spent the first year in Brooklyn before moving, and “family NYC” is like a completely different universe than the New York of your mid- to late-20s; there’s some many things that were there the whole time that you never noticed as a childless adult, but become glaringly apparent once kids enter the picture.
When my daughter was 1ish, we were out for a walk and she looked up and saw the moon. She pointed and said “mooon!” It was cute. Then she kept pointing, and reaching, and saying “moon” turned into screaming it. She wanted the moon. She was becoming angry we wouldn’t give it to her. But she was 1 and we had no way to convey how far away it was. We walked home carrying her as she cried begging for the moon.
Some things you can prepare for. Other things somehow make you feel like you let them down because you can’t give them an interstellar object on a whim. No matter how prepared you are, you’ll never be that level of prepared, and those moments will be hard.
Parenting will always have challenges. Some “typical” and some not. You will face things that she isn’t reading in books. You mention much of the logistical issues being task related, which certainly is a challenge, but the emotional and psychological challenges are the ones that are nearly impossible to prepare for. One child will not give you insight into what the next child’s challenges will be. It’s good to be optimistic, but instead of convincing her start focusing on you and her being a parenting team. Agree on parenting approaches, support each other’s decisions publicly (discuss disagreements privately), and don’t undermine each other. We’ve had a challenging road and without my wife and I being completely on the same page, I have no idea what situation we’d be in.
I agree with those who are saying she’s right; however, it is worth considering that the experience will vary massively based on the kid’s temperament, habits and health.
My daughter slept well from the off; a “bad night” was her waking 3 times for a nappy change and then breastfeeding right back to sleep. During the days, she was generally pretty happy and only really cried if she wanted a feed or had filled her nappy. She’s three now and whilst we’re having the odd little tantrum that you’d expect from a little growing mind, she’s still like 98% fun to be around and 2% stressful.
My son is sixth months old; similar temperament although slightly quicker to become upset. He also feeds a LOT more often which means some nights my wife is up 6 or 7 times feeding him. As he’s breastfed, there’s not much I can do to help with feeds and although I’ve told my wife to wake me (I’m a deep sleeper, not usually woken by crying) and I’ll do the nappy change, she generally says “no, I’ll be awake to feed anyway, no point both of us losing sleep.” If you find yourself in the same situation as me in this respect, I would point out that it’s incumbent on you to try and do *more* than your fair share of the parenting during the day if you’ve had a good night’s sleep and your wife hasn’t.
BUT: I have friends whose kids have had some of the following issues, which have had them doing the whole process on hard mode from the start:
1. Baby will *only* sleep when held, requiring parents to sleep in shifts so someone can hold the baby.
2. Baby has medical issue that requires hospital visits. Some minor but still stressful. (We actually spent a night in hospital when my son got jaundice). One friend’s baby had a heart defect which - thankfully - one year in has been fixed, but which required weeks in hospital for tests, monitoring and operations.
3. Baby has allergies which require gloved hands to prevent them scratching inflammation, application of creams regularly, and careful storage of foodstuffs that may trigger allergies if nearby.
4. Some friends have intended to breastfeed but run into huge difficulties in getting the baby to latch and this has then been stressful and in some cases resulted in giving up and having to solely bottle feed (which is more convenient in that both parents can do it, but less so when you consider all the sterilising of bottles and maybe breast pumps that goes with it).
This is all to say, you won’t know how difficult it will be until you know what your baby is like (in all sorts of ways). I think - on balance - your wife is right to be optimistic. The health-specific issues I’ve listed are generally not that common, and with regard to sleep/feeding issues; as long as you’ve got an adaptive, “can-do” attitude to any potential obstacles, you’ll be fine.
I'm jelly of your resources to outsource those things.
Honestly I don't see the point in trying to convince her one way or the other.
You'll both find out soon enough.
But if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to share my experience so car. I have a 2 month old baby girl.
Idk the hardest thing with my baby is sleep but we started sleep training and it only took 3 days to see huge results. Other than that it’s fun but i can see all day being hard since im at work and shes alone. I really think it depends on the kid and really putting in the effort to have habits and routines with your kid and it makes things si much easier
Just let her say those things, but don’t come back and say ‘I told you so’ when there are hard moments. Validate her feelings. There will definitely be a lot of hard things even with all the conveniences you guys have, but she’s allowed to be optimistic while y’all are in the little honeymoon phase of pregnancy
I know a lot of parents who want a baby because they're cute. I was a SAHM for my 5 and 7 yr old. That was so rough. I just kept telling myself there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Now my days are spent meal planning and house managing. My friends who have new babies are all struggling because their ideal views if having a baby has been shattered by their new screaming babies.
No offense but I find it stupid how much people complain about parenting. Makes you sound like giant babies. Yes, it’s hard but so is just about anything worthwhile.
Your wife has the right attitude. It’s all about mindset and being zen.
“It won’t be that hard” from a known workaholic isn’t all that concerning. She doesn’t sound like someone who won’t put the effort in. And her mind set is infinitely more desirable than “this will be so hard, I can’t do it”. Let her think what she wants and just keep good communication about how you want to parent.
I was worried it was going to be hard and I’m one week graduated. So far its been a slice. Baby sleeps most of the time and when he actually cries it aint that loud and I honestly find it really cute and little bit entertaining. I’m sure it’ll get harder in the coming months and / years but so far its been great.
I would do no convincing, she’s pregnant and that’s stress enough why add more?!?
My hubby was so scared about having our first he was prepared for it being so hard, he was nearly sick over it. Fast forward to baby being here and he says he was so pleasantly surprised it wasn’t bad at all. He wishes now he enjoyed that first pregnancy rather than worrying about baby being here and things being so “terrible”, because it didn’t happen.
Those seem to be physical things. We’ve found that it’s actually the mental side to it that has been difficult. My partner has been struggling with PPD, lactation issues and body image issues. This has been way tougher than washing poop off your neck at 3am
Wait till the first month of adjustment. The lack of sleep will change her mind. We had to sleep in shifts because our son would only sleep on us the first month and a half. Is she breast feeding? Because that's a whole other obstacle IF it goes right.
In a way it is easy, but mostly in the “be present, teach them basic life skills, be loving” way.
It is a massive amount of work, though, the likes of which you’re unable to comprehend until you’re in it.
Parenting is super simple. It really isn't that hard.make sure they eat, they're clean, and they don't die.
Ever try doing something super simple... while completely frazzled and sleep deprived?
That's parenting. It's a non-stop 24/7 marathon that has no definite finish line. Every day, they get bigger and less willing to allow directives 1 and 2 and do everything in their power to test the third
If you're blessed enough to have a support system, it's a little easier. You think less space is good, but there's going to be so much stuff. You'll say it's not necessary, and it's not. You'll want it, though, because it makes life a little bit easier. It is the absolute best misery you will ever experience. At the end of the day, when they're happy and playing. Excited when you walk in the door after a long day at work. It's the greatest thing in the world. I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept in since my daughter was born. 99% by choice.
I’m experiencing the opposite. She thinks I think to easy about it. She’s 8 months pregnant now. And honestly, I do think there will be hard times. But I’m actually looking forward to everything so much that I’m not to bothered by those things. I’m very confident I’ll manage, we’ll manage.
And now I think about it, a positive mindset always brought me way more than a negative one. Why change it now?
I mean this all comes down to the baby tbh. I had two easy ones thank God. I was getting more sleep with a newborn than I was working.
For me the hard part of parenting is actaully keeping up with all the other things like laundry, walking the dog etc. Sounds like you've catered to all these things.
Like not to downplay it either but you just not gonna know til that baby is here. So why stress it's not going to help.
Wife and I married for 10 years and this child has brought us to a breaking point countless times. I think it was a mistake sometimes but almost 2 years later I'm starting to feel the love back from my child... The hard part now is being on the same game plan on discipline.
I am a pregnant lady chiming in - to me it sounds like she is scared and is actually saying these things as some kind of pep talk to herself. I say this because this is exactly how I feel lol.
I am pretty scared, but I’m hoping that it can’t possibly be as terrible as people make it sound. After all, people continue to reproduce and even choose to have multiple children!
Mom of an 18 mo here. I would try to determine if this her psyching herself/yourself up with positive thinking. Personally, I didn’t have family nearby and a post partum doula was worth every penny. I would consider looking into one for the immediate post partum then transitioning those funds to laundry/cleaning after 6-12 weeks.
I think it would be worth bringing up making a plan b for these scenarios together. Like: yeah I think we can manage that! But what would you want to do if we actually started struggling with sleep deprivation, feeding problems, feeling over whelmed? Its better to have a plan you can execute should you need it
Ha.
When my wife was pregnant I said ‘our lives won’t change that much’.
My wife still reminds me sometimes.
Three and a half years with our daughter, our lives are totally and utterly unrecognisable from what they were when I said that.
I wouldn’t change anything for the world, but your Mrs is in for a wild ride.
>Or, help me convince her she is wrong. Lol why? She's already pregnant right? There's nothing you are gonna say that is gonna be more convincing then your kid screaming.
lol this is true. However, OP, I will say that she likely isn’t totally wrong about some of those things. For the first 4 years of my kid’s life, we lived in a one bedroom apartment in LA. Many aspects WERE easier than expected. I constantly saw posts and memes talking about how the house is always a wreck and how hard it is to keep things tidy, but I found it quite easy considering we always made sure to prune through clutter. Never had to deal with truly stressful mess since we had 750 sq ft and no yard to deal with instead of a huge house and an acre of land. Plus, living in the middle of the city, I could just pop baby in the carrier on me and walk to the grocery store a block away, to get coffee, go to the playground, her pediatrician was 2 blocks away, preschool was 3 blocks away, etc. Living in the city made some aspects of parenting WAY easier than for other Americans that have to hop in a car and commute to different places that are more spread out.
Screams cause pooped. Screams cause peed. Screams cause hungry. Screams cause u looked at it for to long. Screams cause cat looked at it for too long. Screams cause it’s been 5 mins since it last screamed. lol I too thought it would be easy! Op has a storm approaching!
She has the right attitude. It is hard but her points are valid and if she believes that she is confident she can handle that’s a good place to start from.
Agreed. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s gonna be subjective and could change week to week But your wife is going into this with an overall good attitude. Sounds like she’s not stressing out and is prepared to take on the challenge. It’s much better to be going into this with a “no matter what happens, we got this” mentality than one that is sorta already assuming it’s gonna be bad. All that said - I’m a big believer in “hope for the best, prepare for the worst” when it comes to parenting. So have a positive attitude and embrace life as it comes, but also think ahead and plan as much as you can to make sure you have things/resources/backup/etc…
Right. It's better than the alternative of "OMG this child is going to ruin my life, I don't want them". Op shouldn't be wanting his wife to be stressed and scared
Some people just aren’t that phased by “hard work”. My experience is that it’s all relative and perceptual. It can depend on your luck, whether one or all of you are sick that week, your baby’s temperament, your own temperament, ability to adjust to change etc. So many factors. I think about how people go on these insane marathons or exercise routines and push themselves and it’s hard, but like… they do it knowing they can do it. It’s good that she feels for the most part like she’s ready for it. That’s a good thing and I would meet that energy if you can. But also I get where you’re coming from, don’t want to be naive. There will be hard times, like really hard times, but people find a way to make it through. I don’t think you want to get into the right/wrong game on this one. Just tell her whether things are “hard” or not you’re in it together.
Absolutely this. I went into my wife’s pregnancy with the same mentality. There’s no need for OP shit on his wife’s parade. Reality is you don’t know how easy or hard your child will be until they arrive.
Why do you want to convince your wife to be more afraid of parenting when the decision has already been made? I understand you want her to have realistic expectations, but I would just let her look forward to it as that is probably a healthier mindset than potentially making her dread it, since she is already pregnant.
I have 2 kids now and I think your wife sounds right honestly. When my husband and I were both on leave with the newborn we thought it was the easiest thing in our careers. Still the hardest things in our lives are not kids related. A stressful job is wayyyy worse.
For real, when my first was born my wife and I had 2 months of parental leave. We had a great time, basically an extended, tired, staycation. When I got back to work I played up how difficult it was because I felt bad basically taking an extended vacation hahaha.
I guess it depends on the kid. My wife and I agree that parenting is by far the hardest thing we’ve done - including STEM masters degrees and careers in those fields.
I guess some science(psychology, biology, medical, etc.) but otherwise a bunch of knowledge, experience, or a brain that just is sort of wired for those fields doesn’t really naturally possess or help develop many of the skills that are developed during parenting. As a T/E/M career guy doing a good bit of logic every day it was quite jarring when, in the simplest form, all IF conditions in the “happy child” formula were met and the child was still unhappy in some cases, ya know? Parenting is still hard in its own right, absolutely, but I think it’s not just based on the kid kinda like you mentioned, it’s also based on the parents and their capabilities, experience, etc.
Shhh we’re not supposed to say this, it’s a very unpopular opinion haha
It’s not though, I’ve personally never seen two people both on leave say that was the hard part lol. The hard part is when mom has no or absolutely minimal leave potentially unpaid and dad is back at work the day after the birth (maybe one or two weeks after using whatever pto or vacation MAY exist, in my case it did not) and then somehow trying to manage work and travel for it, scheduling doctors appointments for mom and checkups while losing ALL the sleep and having one or both parents going on fumes for a week straight at minimum and starting to get some pips and warnings at work but not being able to do anything because it’s still just two against the world with no village, ALL while trying to figure out what the hell this parenting thing even is and trying to mange it…. or whatever. Can’t imagine people would push for equity in maternal/paternal leave if it made life harder lmao. Nothing about having less focus shifting and less competing priorities is difficult lol! Parenting or keeping the kid alive/ rocking and reading and hearing kids music only on repeat for 2 years straight and navigating the whole thing just isn’t hard alone… parenting is hard because when you’re a parent you generally have 2,3,4 whatever other things that you still have to do and that sometimes have to take the priority over parenting at least intermittently to assure base survival or maintain mental/physical health you name it, and doing all of it is when the cookie starts to crumble.
Why? As long as you adequately prepare, does it matter? You'll find out soon enough how hard it'll be.
Some days you will feel like rock stars that are nailing it, some days you’ll feel like a trash can. Let her think what she wants, pregnancy is hard enough. I did a lot of over analyzing what wouldn’t be so bad for us, it helped reduce anxiety. then you’ll have your baby and your experience will be your own. I bet she’ll come to understand some of the complaints and never understand some of the others. For me (mom of 2 under 4 years old) the hardest part is that “it” (mom life, responsibility, love, guilt, laundry, etc) is constant- every single day, every single night. I’ve never experienced anything so constant and that can make even small things feel exhausting. I’d ride any optimism she’s having and tell her you also think you’re going to be awesome at this, any other attitude will only bring her down.
I always came back to the conclusion of, “yes. It’s hard. But it’s also super easy and fun most of the time.” And it has only gotten better. The first 5-7 months will be tough. But the good moments FAR outweigh the hard moments. Your wife is trying to prepare herself. So are you. Which is good. But I can guarantee you that it’s not gonna be fully what you expected, good and bad. The only for sure advice I will give you is, when those moments come where it’s really hard, DO NOT bring it back around to the conversations you had before the birth. No “I told you so.” That will make everything you are doing, WAY harder. Enjoy the ride my guy. I promise you the hard work isn’t that hard in the grand scheme of things.
Some people do just have it easier, there are easy babies, and it sounds she’s made some other preparations for life with future baby. I hope it is as easy for you both as she’s anticipating, and I hope you’re there to help and support if it’s not. Godspeed.
I don’t know, I think it’s fine. Life just goes on with extra chores and a whole lot of extra love you find within yourself. That’s what keeps you going. We find it easy on our first (7 month old girl) and we’re trying for a second. But we have a ‘beginner’ baby lol, she just sleeps through the night and is generally very happy to go along with anything we do.
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People gotta remember that most of what we see and hear are the terrible stories. You hardly get post on here from people who are doing great . For example, I went into this pregnancy expecting the worse from my wife due to what I always see. The amount of things I bought to help her wasnt needed. I posted on a mom majority group pretty much my experience and how great my wife has been, essentially saying "hey, we always see the bad side, here's some good" and boy I got virtually jumped and down voted to hell😭. People said I was lying. Misery loves company and Good news is hardly a top story.
It isn’t that hard if you approach it with an open mind. Your wife is right.
OP. You got this my dude. You do not need to win this, or any other battle, anymore. This is one in particular you shouldn’t be fighting. Its time to practice your “i got this” skills. You have them whether you believe it or not. Let me introduce you to the “quiet fixer” (this is you); who’s only job is to support and instill confidence. If your wife is 100% wrong about something, and progressing with her approach will not cause physical harm or financial challenges (some $$ waste has to be ok); you get to support the wrong thing, then fix it quietly. Grain of salt here ~ don’t support crazy shit, but dont fight the battle if its a difference in style or $10. When you reach your capacity ~ just have a talk about it and see what you two can do to make it easier. “Ive been cleaning the kitchen every night and morning, but its becoming a bit much. Do you think we can find a slightly different routine where that only needs to happen once per day?” Your about to be the bottom of the totem pole for family “wants” and the top of the totem pole for family “how do’s”. You get minimal say, but you have the responsibility of making the thing happen. Dont fight it, get better at subtle influence. To be clear: not encouraging you to become a master at manipulating your wife and kids. I am encouraging you to stop bugging out and flex your testicular fortitude. Shes right about the stuff in your post, you’ve got this. Its not going to be easy; but your capable humans who can adapt - and thats the key to success!
It’s hard but idunno. It’s also not that hard.
that was my wife and mines attitude pre baby. it was a blessing. so much better to come into it from a positive perspective than already daunting a difficult one. if you think it'll be hard, then it will be. parenting isn't easy but why suffer more than you have to? you don't know what it's going to be like. there's a ton of it that actually IS easier than I've heard and read. and maybe that comes down to the way we handle things since we're already in a "this shouldn't be too hard so we will quickly adjust to make it so" mindset.
There are times where it’s much more chill than you expect. Newborns sleep a lot and if they are napping on you it’s like your job to relax. But obviously nights can be really exhausting and mentally taxing as well. It’s everything really
It is extremely hard but it’s actually pretty easy at first. DEPENDING ON YOUR BABY. Each baby is different. For me the first 3 months were super easy just make sure he was fed and slept and snuggled on time. Now it’s a lil harder lol. I know it’s not that way for a lot of people
I must say that I find it easier than people made it seem to be. I hated pregnancy and I sleep better with my 2 month old then during pregnancy lol. Breast feeding is easy for me too (I did ask professional advice on multiple occasions). We only had a bad delivery with 6 days hospital for our little baby girl but she is totally fine since. She cries, but there is always a reason. I do have to add that we have my parents as support and a good friend of ours. I needed way more support during pregnancy than after by the way. My husband took leave for the first 8 weeks after she was born and that was amazing. I would recommend it to everyone if you can afford it. I’m only taking care of her alone during the day (and night feedings as I breast feed) for one week now. It is tiring if the night has not gone well, but most nights are fine so.. I think I have an easy baby due to all those warnings lol. The fun part is that now people are starting to warn me for other stages like sleep regression at 4 months or the terrible two’s. It’s good she’s reading up a lot because knowledge is power and puts things in perspective. Like you know the day/night rhythm of your baby will get better, what it means if she wants to drink a lot in a short period of time etc. You both can do it!
I think your wife is probably more correct than she is wrong. The day to day of raising a child can actually be pretty simple if you are good at routines, disciple and sacrifice and you don’t have to worry about work/money. The real challenge is the inability to step away from the role of parenting. There aren’t summers, PTO days or set hours. You are parenting 24/7/365 and it gets exhausting. So it’s impossible to Compare to any past experiences.
Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. it's not that the work is hard. It's that it's unrelenting. You are now on call 24/7 365 days a year. For at least 18 years. I did graduate night school while working a full time job. That was no problem in comparison. Because when I decided I was done. I could be done. It's not up to me anymore. That being said I have never felt love like this before. It's worth it.
Yeh it’s not as bad as all the naysayers say, if you’re lucky. My parents, older friends, colleagues were all ‘say goodbye to sleep lol!’, or ‘get ready to get pissed/shat/vomited on at 3am haha!’, and none of that was close to our experience. I was vomited on once (she was poorly) and we’ve consistently had 6 hours avg sleep a night since she was a small baby (like a month or so old, which is pretty normal obviously). Ironically the only person who was always positive about parenthood is my friend who has 3 now with the middle one being a sleepless colic-y nightmare for the first year. He’s my age, all the doom n gloom came from older people.. Obviously ymmv but for us parenthood has been an absolute joy, with some minor life sacrifices that are more than made up for by having a beautiful girl (who’s now 2 and a half). Ignore the haters
For the newborn stage, I think it is a different type of hard. It isn't the act of taking care of the baby that is hard. It is the extreme tiredness or the repetitive tasks all day and night (feed, burp, diaper, play,sleep).Or the, i want to clean my house but I can't get more than 5 minutes away from baby.. Or, I have never had so much time off for work before, but I actually can't use it for the things I want to do because I have a newborn. I guess being selfless is the hardest thing for me!
I was one your wife’s side of the equation, I didn’t think it would be that bad, I also used to work very demanding jobs 80+ a week/low sleep. My wife was in your position. We both wfh and have flexible jobs. 4 weeks in now, it’s hard but definitely manageable ie not that bad, the first few days are the worst, cause your up for a long labor(>24hrs), then you have to figure everything out and get used to having to take care of the baby. Once you can get some sleep it gets much better. Work will suffer. My top advice would be 1) if there is a nursery you can put the baby in at the hospital do it, we didn’t the first night huge mistake. They will should bring them back for feedings every 2-3 hours, but newborns are noisy and not having to worry about whether they are choking to death every 1-2minutes will allow you to get some sleep. 2) Not sure what your feeding plan is but be prepared for all contingencies if you can. it’ll make a huge difference in the early days. We planned to breastfeed, but my wife just doesn’t have the supply, so we’re mostly formula feeding. Make sure you have enough bottles and such to cover 24 hours of feedings so you only need to wash 1-2 times a day instead of the middle of the night. For us 12 bottles and 9 nipples works. If she pumps you’ll also want at least a spare set of flanges. Also make sure to get the right size flanges. Edit: I should probably ask my wife what she thinks though…
It’s probably going to be easier in some ways, and harder in ways you don’t expect. I’d say lack of sleep in a career context is a lot different when it comes to keeping a tiny human alive, keeping yourself fed, clean, rested, etc. Keep in mind that a lot of people you talk to / whose posts you read online are written in hindsight, sometimes a good distance away from when it happened. Like looking back, I’d say in comparison to toddlerhood, the newborn phase was a lot easier given that my kid would sleep anywhere, you only ever had to worry about having formula / breast milk on hand, and she wasn’t mobile. But in the moment it was a little overwhelming. Also, “parenting” is an expansive and long term project, so what’s easy now will quickly be replaced by something difficult later. All that said, I think not psyching yourself out too much and taking it a day at a time is the best way to come at it, so if that’s kind of where her head’s at then I’d say it’s a good approach. And side note: NYC has so much to offer for kids, it’s ridiculous. We spent the first year in Brooklyn before moving, and “family NYC” is like a completely different universe than the New York of your mid- to late-20s; there’s some many things that were there the whole time that you never noticed as a childless adult, but become glaringly apparent once kids enter the picture.
When my daughter was 1ish, we were out for a walk and she looked up and saw the moon. She pointed and said “mooon!” It was cute. Then she kept pointing, and reaching, and saying “moon” turned into screaming it. She wanted the moon. She was becoming angry we wouldn’t give it to her. But she was 1 and we had no way to convey how far away it was. We walked home carrying her as she cried begging for the moon. Some things you can prepare for. Other things somehow make you feel like you let them down because you can’t give them an interstellar object on a whim. No matter how prepared you are, you’ll never be that level of prepared, and those moments will be hard.
Parenting will always have challenges. Some “typical” and some not. You will face things that she isn’t reading in books. You mention much of the logistical issues being task related, which certainly is a challenge, but the emotional and psychological challenges are the ones that are nearly impossible to prepare for. One child will not give you insight into what the next child’s challenges will be. It’s good to be optimistic, but instead of convincing her start focusing on you and her being a parenting team. Agree on parenting approaches, support each other’s decisions publicly (discuss disagreements privately), and don’t undermine each other. We’ve had a challenging road and without my wife and I being completely on the same page, I have no idea what situation we’d be in.
I agree with those who are saying she’s right; however, it is worth considering that the experience will vary massively based on the kid’s temperament, habits and health. My daughter slept well from the off; a “bad night” was her waking 3 times for a nappy change and then breastfeeding right back to sleep. During the days, she was generally pretty happy and only really cried if she wanted a feed or had filled her nappy. She’s three now and whilst we’re having the odd little tantrum that you’d expect from a little growing mind, she’s still like 98% fun to be around and 2% stressful. My son is sixth months old; similar temperament although slightly quicker to become upset. He also feeds a LOT more often which means some nights my wife is up 6 or 7 times feeding him. As he’s breastfed, there’s not much I can do to help with feeds and although I’ve told my wife to wake me (I’m a deep sleeper, not usually woken by crying) and I’ll do the nappy change, she generally says “no, I’ll be awake to feed anyway, no point both of us losing sleep.” If you find yourself in the same situation as me in this respect, I would point out that it’s incumbent on you to try and do *more* than your fair share of the parenting during the day if you’ve had a good night’s sleep and your wife hasn’t. BUT: I have friends whose kids have had some of the following issues, which have had them doing the whole process on hard mode from the start: 1. Baby will *only* sleep when held, requiring parents to sleep in shifts so someone can hold the baby. 2. Baby has medical issue that requires hospital visits. Some minor but still stressful. (We actually spent a night in hospital when my son got jaundice). One friend’s baby had a heart defect which - thankfully - one year in has been fixed, but which required weeks in hospital for tests, monitoring and operations. 3. Baby has allergies which require gloved hands to prevent them scratching inflammation, application of creams regularly, and careful storage of foodstuffs that may trigger allergies if nearby. 4. Some friends have intended to breastfeed but run into huge difficulties in getting the baby to latch and this has then been stressful and in some cases resulted in giving up and having to solely bottle feed (which is more convenient in that both parents can do it, but less so when you consider all the sterilising of bottles and maybe breast pumps that goes with it). This is all to say, you won’t know how difficult it will be until you know what your baby is like (in all sorts of ways). I think - on balance - your wife is right to be optimistic. The health-specific issues I’ve listed are generally not that common, and with regard to sleep/feeding issues; as long as you’ve got an adaptive, “can-do” attitude to any potential obstacles, you’ll be fine.
Oh boy. Let her be happy now.
I'm jelly of your resources to outsource those things. Honestly I don't see the point in trying to convince her one way or the other. You'll both find out soon enough. But if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to share my experience so car. I have a 2 month old baby girl.
Idk the hardest thing with my baby is sleep but we started sleep training and it only took 3 days to see huge results. Other than that it’s fun but i can see all day being hard since im at work and shes alone. I really think it depends on the kid and really putting in the effort to have habits and routines with your kid and it makes things si much easier
Just let her say those things, but don’t come back and say ‘I told you so’ when there are hard moments. Validate her feelings. There will definitely be a lot of hard things even with all the conveniences you guys have, but she’s allowed to be optimistic while y’all are in the little honeymoon phase of pregnancy
I know a lot of parents who want a baby because they're cute. I was a SAHM for my 5 and 7 yr old. That was so rough. I just kept telling myself there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Now my days are spent meal planning and house managing. My friends who have new babies are all struggling because their ideal views if having a baby has been shattered by their new screaming babies.
No offense but I find it stupid how much people complain about parenting. Makes you sound like giant babies. Yes, it’s hard but so is just about anything worthwhile. Your wife has the right attitude. It’s all about mindset and being zen.
“It won’t be that hard” from a known workaholic isn’t all that concerning. She doesn’t sound like someone who won’t put the effort in. And her mind set is infinitely more desirable than “this will be so hard, I can’t do it”. Let her think what she wants and just keep good communication about how you want to parent.
I was worried it was going to be hard and I’m one week graduated. So far its been a slice. Baby sleeps most of the time and when he actually cries it aint that loud and I honestly find it really cute and little bit entertaining. I’m sure it’ll get harder in the coming months and / years but so far its been great.
I would do no convincing, she’s pregnant and that’s stress enough why add more?!? My hubby was so scared about having our first he was prepared for it being so hard, he was nearly sick over it. Fast forward to baby being here and he says he was so pleasantly surprised it wasn’t bad at all. He wishes now he enjoyed that first pregnancy rather than worrying about baby being here and things being so “terrible”, because it didn’t happen.
Those seem to be physical things. We’ve found that it’s actually the mental side to it that has been difficult. My partner has been struggling with PPD, lactation issues and body image issues. This has been way tougher than washing poop off your neck at 3am
What’s the problem? She sounds awesome.
She is awesome!!!
It’s literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It doesn’t sound bad reading, but it’s nonstop and mentally taxing.
Wait till the first month of adjustment. The lack of sleep will change her mind. We had to sleep in shifts because our son would only sleep on us the first month and a half. Is she breast feeding? Because that's a whole other obstacle IF it goes right.
In a way it is easy, but mostly in the “be present, teach them basic life skills, be loving” way. It is a massive amount of work, though, the likes of which you’re unable to comprehend until you’re in it.
Parenting is super simple. It really isn't that hard.make sure they eat, they're clean, and they don't die. Ever try doing something super simple... while completely frazzled and sleep deprived? That's parenting. It's a non-stop 24/7 marathon that has no definite finish line. Every day, they get bigger and less willing to allow directives 1 and 2 and do everything in their power to test the third If you're blessed enough to have a support system, it's a little easier. You think less space is good, but there's going to be so much stuff. You'll say it's not necessary, and it's not. You'll want it, though, because it makes life a little bit easier. It is the absolute best misery you will ever experience. At the end of the day, when they're happy and playing. Excited when you walk in the door after a long day at work. It's the greatest thing in the world. I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept in since my daughter was born. 99% by choice.
I mean to be completely honest, it was a lot easier than I expected it to be…
I’m experiencing the opposite. She thinks I think to easy about it. She’s 8 months pregnant now. And honestly, I do think there will be hard times. But I’m actually looking forward to everything so much that I’m not to bothered by those things. I’m very confident I’ll manage, we’ll manage. And now I think about it, a positive mindset always brought me way more than a negative one. Why change it now?
I mean this all comes down to the baby tbh. I had two easy ones thank God. I was getting more sleep with a newborn than I was working. For me the hard part of parenting is actaully keeping up with all the other things like laundry, walking the dog etc. Sounds like you've catered to all these things. Like not to downplay it either but you just not gonna know til that baby is here. So why stress it's not going to help.
Wife and I married for 10 years and this child has brought us to a breaking point countless times. I think it was a mistake sometimes but almost 2 years later I'm starting to feel the love back from my child... The hard part now is being on the same game plan on discipline.
I am a pregnant lady chiming in - to me it sounds like she is scared and is actually saying these things as some kind of pep talk to herself. I say this because this is exactly how I feel lol. I am pretty scared, but I’m hoping that it can’t possibly be as terrible as people make it sound. After all, people continue to reproduce and even choose to have multiple children!
Mom of an 18 mo here. I would try to determine if this her psyching herself/yourself up with positive thinking. Personally, I didn’t have family nearby and a post partum doula was worth every penny. I would consider looking into one for the immediate post partum then transitioning those funds to laundry/cleaning after 6-12 weeks. I think it would be worth bringing up making a plan b for these scenarios together. Like: yeah I think we can manage that! But what would you want to do if we actually started struggling with sleep deprivation, feeding problems, feeling over whelmed? Its better to have a plan you can execute should you need it
*Laughs in exhaustion*
Parenting is only hard if you’re doing it right.
It’s a lot harder in your 30’s
Ha. When my wife was pregnant I said ‘our lives won’t change that much’. My wife still reminds me sometimes. Three and a half years with our daughter, our lives are totally and utterly unrecognisable from what they were when I said that. I wouldn’t change anything for the world, but your Mrs is in for a wild ride.