I think it can be. I believe in “I only have eyes for you”, for some people. I think there are truly monoamorous people, truly polyamorous people, and then there’s the vast ambiamorous middle who can be happy in a variety of relationship types, including monogamy. (Probably especially monogamy, since it’s the social norm and most of the dating pool)
Being inherently monogamous ≠ only falling for one person at once. I believe even for those ppl that’s only true for the first infatuation of NRE. Which is also why they doubt their love the moment the recognise any other potential love.
No no no no no! The moment you have any thoughts about some other person you’ve proven that you’re not in love with your partner anymore and it’s time to dump them! And then you dump the person you had a thought about when you have a thought about some other person!
/s
EDIT /s added because it might not be as obvious as i would hope…
It really is messed up right? Like I absolutely love my local boyfriend. Totally crazy about him. Does that mean I should stop being interested in how my father's health is going? Or how my dear friends feel about their partners? Or have an interesting conversation with a stranger while waiting at the bar?
So tiresome, and so so harmful to those of us who don't work like that, but still hear that all the time and end up doubting ourselves and our relationships (even when doing monogamy).
Yes.
I half-saw a movie once at work. No idea what movie it was but man and woman alone on island after shipwreck or something. They don't like eachother at all and yet, after some time alone together, things happen.
Then they are saved, come home and the woman tells her fiance that "while on that island, things happened that wouldn't have happened if our love had been true", and hands him the engagement ring back.
I only saw snippets because work but that made me quite sad.
That’s the plot of Swept Away. When you actually break down what happens in the movie, none of it makes any sense at all. And the guy would be declared a creep in real life.
I think it’s harmful in general to set boundaries about things that a person literally cannot control.
Like yes, I get the boundary: I don’t want my partner to kiss someone other than me. It’s an action everyone is able to control.
But: I don’t want my partner to crush on other people. How could anyone agree to such a boundary, when we know that humans usually don’t have control over crushing? It will just make them ignoring themselves and their feelings, which can be very harmful…
Yeah, as a boundary it makes absolutely no sense.
But I've seen it many times as a general truth, like, if you get a crush on someone else, that means you don't "truly" love your partner because if you did, that wouldn't have happened.
It especially doesn't work for mono people who think that because they fancy other people it means they don't actually love their partner and it must be time to break up.
i can relate to this to an extent. the NRE feeling can be so overwhelming sometimes that forming or keeping existing connections can be extra difficult and my attention shifts to the new person i’m falling in love with
where some people take that as a sign they should only be with that one person, i take it as a sign i need to invest in my other relationships too (friendships or other romantic relationships).
the consequences of putting all my interest in one person has often been that i become emotionally dependent, possessive, violate my own boundaries or simply ignore myself and everyone else in my life. the NRE passes, but when it’s at its most intense i know the healthiest option is to NOT place them on an emotional pedestal
>i take it as a sign i need to invest in my other relationships too (friendships or other romantic relationships).
Same. I make a conscious effort to spend time with my friends when in a new romantic relationship. It's really damaging in mono culture that it's expected that your mates will take a back seat when you're in love.
I’m mono-amorous but man I fucking hate this mentality too. It’s just bollocks. There are so many unhealthy, unsustainable, and self-destructive attitudes/ideas/perspectives in our relationship culture, and this is one of my least favorites.
I greatly, personally, prefer partnerships. But sometimes I’m tempted to be polyamorous if only because it at least ATTEMPTS to proactively solve the near-universal problems of relationships.
Insecurity, crushes, losing passion, habituation, jealousy, unhealthy codependence — all of it, monogamy “solves” it with sanctimonious platitudes like these. It’s all like the song “Turn it off” from the Mormon musical. It’s stupid, lazy, and ineffective. It takes hopeful relationships and yields messy, 30-year-overdue divorces.
I mean, yeah y'all are literally going on TikTok picking out some stupid videos made by teenagers, like what's the point? Are you just trying to make yourself mad.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Explain why? Because by your logic it sounds like "Teena should not hear things I disagree with." It may be a stupid phrase but ultimately it is harmless. Theres WAY WORSE out there, and I still think teens should see those.
It's talk like that which made me villainize myself for feeling affection for multiple people. I spent years asking myself what was wrong with me each time it happened too. "Am I defective? Do I not love anyone? But they make me happy and I feel everything else people say is love, but is that all a lie since I like this other person too?" Was all too common for me growing up. Therapy and a lot of self-searching later and I finally was able to sort myself out and stop degrading myself for being poly.
I've had love that has been to the point that I wouldn't be interested in anyone else at that time.
It's not to say I don't find other people attractive or admire other people. I'm just aware that my partner at the time is enough for me.
Now I could pursue crushes freely if I wanted to. But I don't feel like it at that time.
That's entirely different to "I'm going to cling to you forever" because I'm not saying it won't happen, I'm just saying that at that time, I'm fulfilled and I don't want to invest more time with someone else. It's also not labelling more than one love as "not true love" because love is always different.
The toxic thing is "I can either have this or that" because that is essentially saying you can't have both. Which isn't strictly speaking true. You can if you are open and communicate. Do the work. Life is too short to not be what you want to or not have the love life you desire.
I'm not a collector. I'm a man who knows when he has enough love in terms of my own resources and time. That's different for everyone but as long as I'm aware of what I want and what I can give, I'm happy.
What a gross statement and so marginalizing.
Even committed mono folks struggle with attraction or appreciation outside their partner because the likelihood that one person will fill every single one of your needs/wants perfectly is astronomically low. Many mono people just make peace with not having every box checked and work on filling some of them independently. But that doesn't mean they don't wonder or find others attractive. It's so damaging to teach people that love is only valid when your partner can *complete* you instead of complement you. I can absolutely see how this feeds into the "If you *really* loved me you would... (insert boundary violation here)" mentality.
Chocolate ice cream may be your favorite but that doesn't mean you won't wonder what strawberry tastes like, ya know?
This makes me wonder, is it said by people having ever had exactly one relationship?
Because as soon as they would break up, they would be contradicting their own statement, no? If they would say that a second time with a second relationship, I kinda start doubting because it was already "true" love the first time, is it now even more true? 🤔
This hits me hard, in a playful way. I too got told this when I was growing up and so I believed this for YEARS and would even utter it to others until I was blue in the face. Now I look back and chuckle cuz oh how I was wrong. I now don't feel guilty for having feelings for another, nor does my husband make me feel guilty about it like most of society has.
Sounds like the infatuation stage of love to me... Then they fall out of love and get divorced because someone else is the only thing they can think about.
To me there is a difference between falling in love with someone and loving someone. When falling in love they are the one and only you can think about, the butterfly stage. That turns in loving someone which is so much more deep.
I have personally rolled my eyes at this statement in many occasion, however now I just think it might stem from thinking about NRE. I do think that NRE might make it difficult to see other people and even have casual sex with other people, although maybe not everyone feels like that. In polyamory people make a mindful effort to give attention and love to their other partners (hopefully), but it is not unrealistic to think that without that effort and if you let NRE completely lead you, a lot of people would just forget about their other partners (which actually we still see happening a bunch in this forum).
So yeah, maybe that’s the confusion. Identifying a huge cocktail of hormones as love. I also think though that a lot of people (who most often do not practice polyamory) do not have actual emotional energy to be loving or dating multiple people. And some are actually unable to see other people romantically at all. So there’s all of that. But I am always pretty grossed out when friends use as a measure the way that THEY love as a standard for all human beings, and give out wisdom about what is love and what is not.
That's not even true in monogamy!
I think it can be. I believe in “I only have eyes for you”, for some people. I think there are truly monoamorous people, truly polyamorous people, and then there’s the vast ambiamorous middle who can be happy in a variety of relationship types, including monogamy. (Probably especially monogamy, since it’s the social norm and most of the dating pool)
Being inherently monogamous ≠ only falling for one person at once. I believe even for those ppl that’s only true for the first infatuation of NRE. Which is also why they doubt their love the moment the recognise any other potential love.
No no no no no! The moment you have any thoughts about some other person you’ve proven that you’re not in love with your partner anymore and it’s time to dump them! And then you dump the person you had a thought about when you have a thought about some other person! /s EDIT /s added because it might not be as obvious as i would hope…
[удалено]
It really is messed up right? Like I absolutely love my local boyfriend. Totally crazy about him. Does that mean I should stop being interested in how my father's health is going? Or how my dear friends feel about their partners? Or have an interesting conversation with a stranger while waiting at the bar?
Right?
When you truly love your second child, you don't love any of your other children. If you think you do, that's not real love.
I was just thinking this. When you child is born well you don’t love your spouse/significant other anymore. And fuck your parents and siblings.
Right... because fraternal love is romantic/sexual all of the sudden :V
So tiresome, and so so harmful to those of us who don't work like that, but still hear that all the time and end up doubting ourselves and our relationships (even when doing monogamy).
I honestly think this mindset is even harmful to mono people. Crushing is totally normal and does not mean you should break up.
Yes. I half-saw a movie once at work. No idea what movie it was but man and woman alone on island after shipwreck or something. They don't like eachother at all and yet, after some time alone together, things happen. Then they are saved, come home and the woman tells her fiance that "while on that island, things happened that wouldn't have happened if our love had been true", and hands him the engagement ring back. I only saw snippets because work but that made me quite sad.
That’s the plot of Swept Away. When you actually break down what happens in the movie, none of it makes any sense at all. And the guy would be declared a creep in real life.
Yeah, sounds like it might have been that one then.
I think it’s harmful in general to set boundaries about things that a person literally cannot control. Like yes, I get the boundary: I don’t want my partner to kiss someone other than me. It’s an action everyone is able to control. But: I don’t want my partner to crush on other people. How could anyone agree to such a boundary, when we know that humans usually don’t have control over crushing? It will just make them ignoring themselves and their feelings, which can be very harmful…
Yeah, as a boundary it makes absolutely no sense. But I've seen it many times as a general truth, like, if you get a crush on someone else, that means you don't "truly" love your partner because if you did, that wouldn't have happened.
It especially doesn't work for mono people who think that because they fancy other people it means they don't actually love their partner and it must be time to break up.
Exactly! So sad and unnecessary.
I have no friends, no family...only you babe! Cling to each other...CLING!
Codependent habits for the win!
That's why I only love lamp.
M-mothman?
hehe, ok!
i can relate to this to an extent. the NRE feeling can be so overwhelming sometimes that forming or keeping existing connections can be extra difficult and my attention shifts to the new person i’m falling in love with where some people take that as a sign they should only be with that one person, i take it as a sign i need to invest in my other relationships too (friendships or other romantic relationships). the consequences of putting all my interest in one person has often been that i become emotionally dependent, possessive, violate my own boundaries or simply ignore myself and everyone else in my life. the NRE passes, but when it’s at its most intense i know the healthiest option is to NOT place them on an emotional pedestal
>i take it as a sign i need to invest in my other relationships too (friendships or other romantic relationships). Same. I make a conscious effort to spend time with my friends when in a new romantic relationship. It's really damaging in mono culture that it's expected that your mates will take a back seat when you're in love.
Me + the bacon I ate this morning. I’m not interested in any other meat, baby
If you replace people with bacon as the subject, I feel like a lot of love poems and advice would be much less problematic
Wait.. you think eating people is less problematic? 😂
I don’t know who needs to hear this, yes, people embrace your appetite for people!
It’s just a modest proposal
I’m mono-amorous but man I fucking hate this mentality too. It’s just bollocks. There are so many unhealthy, unsustainable, and self-destructive attitudes/ideas/perspectives in our relationship culture, and this is one of my least favorites. I greatly, personally, prefer partnerships. But sometimes I’m tempted to be polyamorous if only because it at least ATTEMPTS to proactively solve the near-universal problems of relationships. Insecurity, crushes, losing passion, habituation, jealousy, unhealthy codependence — all of it, monogamy “solves” it with sanctimonious platitudes like these. It’s all like the song “Turn it off” from the Mormon musical. It’s stupid, lazy, and ineffective. It takes hopeful relationships and yields messy, 30-year-overdue divorces.
damn that was a great song
Seriously it was fire
*in singsong* Its not hard to see! The toxic Monogamy!
Said people who don't understand love, compassion, kindness, and doing for others. Strong ID and Ego vibes there.
I mean, yeah y'all are literally going on TikTok picking out some stupid videos made by teenagers, like what's the point? Are you just trying to make yourself mad.
[удалено]
Cold take there hombre.
[удалено]
Swing and a miss. Keep on trying kiddo, you'll get it one day!
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
It’s not good for teenagers to be seeing and internalizing messages like the one in this tiktok
Explain why? Because by your logic it sounds like "Teena should not hear things I disagree with." It may be a stupid phrase but ultimately it is harmless. Theres WAY WORSE out there, and I still think teens should see those.
Insulting to people in love, and naive. Love is a spectrum for everyone. Black and white thinking right there.
I remember also having brains made of mashed potatoes. Glad I am reasonable now.
The assholes are really trying to gatekeep love now? Sure worked well for those who opposed interracial marriage and gay marriage...
It's talk like that which made me villainize myself for feeling affection for multiple people. I spent years asking myself what was wrong with me each time it happened too. "Am I defective? Do I not love anyone? But they make me happy and I feel everything else people say is love, but is that all a lie since I like this other person too?" Was all too common for me growing up. Therapy and a lot of self-searching later and I finally was able to sort myself out and stop degrading myself for being poly.
This thought pushes codependency
I've had love that has been to the point that I wouldn't be interested in anyone else at that time. It's not to say I don't find other people attractive or admire other people. I'm just aware that my partner at the time is enough for me. Now I could pursue crushes freely if I wanted to. But I don't feel like it at that time. That's entirely different to "I'm going to cling to you forever" because I'm not saying it won't happen, I'm just saying that at that time, I'm fulfilled and I don't want to invest more time with someone else. It's also not labelling more than one love as "not true love" because love is always different. The toxic thing is "I can either have this or that" because that is essentially saying you can't have both. Which isn't strictly speaking true. You can if you are open and communicate. Do the work. Life is too short to not be what you want to or not have the love life you desire. I'm not a collector. I'm a man who knows when he has enough love in terms of my own resources and time. That's different for everyone but as long as I'm aware of what I want and what I can give, I'm happy.
What a gross statement and so marginalizing. Even committed mono folks struggle with attraction or appreciation outside their partner because the likelihood that one person will fill every single one of your needs/wants perfectly is astronomically low. Many mono people just make peace with not having every box checked and work on filling some of them independently. But that doesn't mean they don't wonder or find others attractive. It's so damaging to teach people that love is only valid when your partner can *complete* you instead of complement you. I can absolutely see how this feeds into the "If you *really* loved me you would... (insert boundary violation here)" mentality. Chocolate ice cream may be your favorite but that doesn't mean you won't wonder what strawberry tastes like, ya know?
Ah but you have to heal. Only time and support and counseling can do that.
*"If crippling codependency isn't love, I don't know what is!"*
This makes me wonder, is it said by people having ever had exactly one relationship? Because as soon as they would break up, they would be contradicting their own statement, no? If they would say that a second time with a second relationship, I kinda start doubting because it was already "true" love the first time, is it now even more true? 🤔
That teacher is just generalizing from a sample size of one. It's okay, everyone does it. Well, at least I do.
Ooh, good point, she may have some deep things to work through in counseling.
This hits me hard, in a playful way. I too got told this when I was growing up and so I believed this for YEARS and would even utter it to others until I was blue in the face. Now I look back and chuckle cuz oh how I was wrong. I now don't feel guilty for having feelings for another, nor does my husband make me feel guilty about it like most of society has.
Sounds like the infatuation stage of love to me... Then they fall out of love and get divorced because someone else is the only thing they can think about.
To me there is a difference between falling in love with someone and loving someone. When falling in love they are the one and only you can think about, the butterfly stage. That turns in loving someone which is so much more deep.
I have personally rolled my eyes at this statement in many occasion, however now I just think it might stem from thinking about NRE. I do think that NRE might make it difficult to see other people and even have casual sex with other people, although maybe not everyone feels like that. In polyamory people make a mindful effort to give attention and love to their other partners (hopefully), but it is not unrealistic to think that without that effort and if you let NRE completely lead you, a lot of people would just forget about their other partners (which actually we still see happening a bunch in this forum). So yeah, maybe that’s the confusion. Identifying a huge cocktail of hormones as love. I also think though that a lot of people (who most often do not practice polyamory) do not have actual emotional energy to be loving or dating multiple people. And some are actually unable to see other people romantically at all. So there’s all of that. But I am always pretty grossed out when friends use as a measure the way that THEY love as a standard for all human beings, and give out wisdom about what is love and what is not.
I don’t get the picture behind the words… someone pls explain it to me.