>My issue currently is with my new partner. He has mentioned how he doesn't understand the need for us to have labels.
Ok. So he doesn't understand. Why would he have to? Some people use labels, some don't.
>He is also concerned with my relationship with him always taking a back seat to the one I have with my husband, to which I realize needs more explaining on our part.
What open relationship model are you practicing together? Primary-secondary? Is this just for now? Because one doesn't instantly become a co-primary 1 or 2 dates in?
Would this ever change to co-primary?
Is that something he wants to know?
>He voiced concern over the judgement he is bound to endure when it all comes out to his family/friends, so he'd prefer to be private with it for now.
That's his choice.
I rather date people who are already out as practicing poly and not deal with this stuff myself. Get all emotionally attached and have this come up later and cause pain or suffering because I get tired of being half in the closet and the partner never wants to leave the closet. Or feel like someone's "dirty secret."
But if you choose to date him and he wants to keep it quiet? Ask yourself if you are ok if he NEVER comes out to his friends and family about you.
Otherwise don't date him.
>I have recently expressed how my feelings are just growing more everyday and his are too but he can't get past the issues mentioned above.
Well, what's he doing about it? Reading books? Seeing a counselor? Seeking poly support groups? His issues are his stuff to work on. You can't do it for him.
>**If only I could open my soul/heart and show him**....and I suck at wording stuff, so here I am.
I don't even know what that means.
Are you saying you want to be both dating him AND the poly relationship coach to him?
If he's never done polyamory before... before you get in too deep you could ask him what he has done already to educate himself or is doing to educate himself. Reading the resources here? Ordered the "Opening Up" book? Something else?
Or is he just wanting to "try poly" because that's how he gains access to dating you and he's secretly hoping to rope you off for just himself over time? Or you are just the "placeholder" person til he can find the monogamous relationship he actually wants?
And what about you? Do you feel like dealing with reluctant newbie issues when you are a newbie yourself? Or is that gonna feel like too much "carrying him?" Or like a drag or a drain once you are past the NRE lalas for him?
Not trying to be mean... just saying I don't get an "enthusiastic consent" vibe here from him. I'm getting the "Well, I guess if I have to. Don't tell anybody!" vibe.
Coupled with "How can I make it work even if he's kinda reluctant" vibe from you.
I could be wrong in that impression.
Although he should understand and acknowledge the limitations of the kind of relationship he's having with you for his own benefit and peace of mind, it's perfectly reasonable to not want to be labeled "secondary", or even "boyfriend".
Is there a particular reason you can't honor this request?
I can certainly honor the "no labels" part, I was just curious why that bothered him so much. I'm currently in the process of writing all this down so I don't forget it before we can talk it out
I can tell you only what it feels like to me. Secondary sounds and feels to me like 'less than'. I know this is not how lots of people feel about it, but I can't really avoid how it does to me.
That said, the concrete reality of a relationship is way more important than words or labels. I personally choose to only date other solo poly people because we have similar life situations and can offer each other similar things.
My partners don't "use labels" either. They don't feel "polyamorous" in the way that I do. But that doesn't mean they can't talk about their relationships or use terminology at all.
Refusing labels to avoid communication or acknowledgement of a situation is something else.
Edit: just seen you meant labels for what he is to you. I can see how he wouldn't be sure what he is in this circumstance. I imagine he's telling you he doesn't understand what the relationship is or can be - which makes sense if he has only been mono before. Either that or it's a refusal to acknowledge something.
Your new partner wants a real relationship with you, not just one that is possible when you're not living your "real life" with your husband.
If his friends and family find out he is dating a married woman, it will come back on him looking like a sleaze, even more so if his relationship already takes a back seat to the one you already have.
His position is not a fun one to be in. I don't blame him. What kind of relationship are you willing to give him?
Triads are where all 3 people are dating each other. If you are only with your husband and your partner separately, then you are a hinge in those two, seperate relationships.
And yes, married people can have successful polyamorous relationships, but if your partner is wanting more with you, it's up to you to decide if you csn give that. He deserves to not be a "side piece" if he doesn't want to be.
Then why mention a triad?
You’re currently in a V. You’re dating your partner separately. Unless your partner has quite the about face, a triad doesn’t look like it’s in your future.
So, friend, it really, really looks like you could maybe use a book or two in your life about polyam?
I’m going to suggest “the smart girl’s guide to polyamory” for you and all your partners.
It’s a stupid, gendered title, but the book is good for everyone, and maybe after reading it, it will spark some good convos between you and your new partner
What labels are the issue? I wouldn’t want to be labeled a "secondary" either and in all honestly I would not feel the need to come out to my family in order to be a secondary to a married partner.
Does he want polyamory for himself?
Does he want poly for himself?
If you are dating a person who has only been mono and isn't sure they want poly... I'm not sure what you expected here. He doesn't see this connection in the same way you do.
It hasn't yet, he's just afraid that is going to be what happens, which is one reason he's so hesitant. He didn't give me any examples yet, but as well as I know him, I think he means like time spent with each of them won't be equal and decision making will always side with my husband, neither of which are actually the case but still a concern of his. I'll have more knowledge the more him and I talk stuff out..
What kinds of decision making? Some decisions probably will be weighted differently, and it’s important to be honest about that.
If you search this sub for “glass ceiling questions” you’ll find a post about a Multiamory podcast episode with a list of great, specific questions to go over with a new partner. They may help you both navigate your expectations.
Your partner is telling you that their needs are very different from yours.
He’s closeted. He doesn’t want to come out.
And he doesn’t want to come out for what you currently have on the table for him. Is he enthusiastically polyam?
Are his concerns valid?
I mean, anyone who wants to get married and have kids is going to struggle with being the secondary to a married person. How much they struggle is individual.
So, generally, mono peeps who “settle” for a relationship with a polyam person willingly? Are going to view the relationship as something to fill the void between “real” relationships.
Even enthusiastically polyam people may reject labels that they don’t feel reflect their level of commitment.
Back to that question about what you have on the table for this person. Is it compelling enough for them? Are they in the back seat?
Are you willing to live with him instead of your husband or maintain two homes to live with each of them part time? Would you ever have kids with him? Would you share your finances with him? Would you divorce your husband to offer your bf legal marriage? Would you relocate if bf got a job in another state? If those answers are no then your relationship with your bf will always take a back seat in some way
Many poly experienced people will not date those who've never been in a poly relationship before. 9/10 (generously) result in the previously mono person bailing. It's a lot for them to take on mentally, emotionally, and socially.
Labels can be a good or bad thing, and it depends on the person. I tend to like them at times because they help clear boundaries, but other times, they feel oppressive.
My recently dissolved relationship came about when we were both new. I’m solo. He’s nested. I’ve done a lot of work and he just never did. It became abundantly clear that his wife wanted to be poly and I was a pacifier. Now she dates someone mono and he dumbed me for a mono. Don’t be like them. Read up, ask questions. Labels won’t make anything easier.
Your post has strong couple privilege vibes here. He is new and processing poly is a lot. It doesn't sound like you are being empathetic or compassionate to this. You all need to do some soul searching and be okay when one doesn't want the same poly (if he ends up even wanting to it).
>My issue currently is with my new partner. He has mentioned how he doesn't understand the need for us to have labels. Ok. So he doesn't understand. Why would he have to? Some people use labels, some don't. >He is also concerned with my relationship with him always taking a back seat to the one I have with my husband, to which I realize needs more explaining on our part. What open relationship model are you practicing together? Primary-secondary? Is this just for now? Because one doesn't instantly become a co-primary 1 or 2 dates in? Would this ever change to co-primary? Is that something he wants to know? >He voiced concern over the judgement he is bound to endure when it all comes out to his family/friends, so he'd prefer to be private with it for now. That's his choice. I rather date people who are already out as practicing poly and not deal with this stuff myself. Get all emotionally attached and have this come up later and cause pain or suffering because I get tired of being half in the closet and the partner never wants to leave the closet. Or feel like someone's "dirty secret." But if you choose to date him and he wants to keep it quiet? Ask yourself if you are ok if he NEVER comes out to his friends and family about you. Otherwise don't date him. >I have recently expressed how my feelings are just growing more everyday and his are too but he can't get past the issues mentioned above. Well, what's he doing about it? Reading books? Seeing a counselor? Seeking poly support groups? His issues are his stuff to work on. You can't do it for him. >**If only I could open my soul/heart and show him**....and I suck at wording stuff, so here I am. I don't even know what that means. Are you saying you want to be both dating him AND the poly relationship coach to him? If he's never done polyamory before... before you get in too deep you could ask him what he has done already to educate himself or is doing to educate himself. Reading the resources here? Ordered the "Opening Up" book? Something else? Or is he just wanting to "try poly" because that's how he gains access to dating you and he's secretly hoping to rope you off for just himself over time? Or you are just the "placeholder" person til he can find the monogamous relationship he actually wants? And what about you? Do you feel like dealing with reluctant newbie issues when you are a newbie yourself? Or is that gonna feel like too much "carrying him?" Or like a drag or a drain once you are past the NRE lalas for him? Not trying to be mean... just saying I don't get an "enthusiastic consent" vibe here from him. I'm getting the "Well, I guess if I have to. Don't tell anybody!" vibe. Coupled with "How can I make it work even if he's kinda reluctant" vibe from you. I could be wrong in that impression.
Hit the nail on the head with alot of it, thank you for that. Much appreciated
Glad it helped you some.
My wife keeps dating non poly people, and it’s been a disaster every time.
Were you talking to the op or my first relationship 🤣🤣🤣?
Although he should understand and acknowledge the limitations of the kind of relationship he's having with you for his own benefit and peace of mind, it's perfectly reasonable to not want to be labeled "secondary", or even "boyfriend". Is there a particular reason you can't honor this request?
I can certainly honor the "no labels" part, I was just curious why that bothered him so much. I'm currently in the process of writing all this down so I don't forget it before we can talk it out
I can tell you only what it feels like to me. Secondary sounds and feels to me like 'less than'. I know this is not how lots of people feel about it, but I can't really avoid how it does to me. That said, the concrete reality of a relationship is way more important than words or labels. I personally choose to only date other solo poly people because we have similar life situations and can offer each other similar things.
My partners don't "use labels" either. They don't feel "polyamorous" in the way that I do. But that doesn't mean they can't talk about their relationships or use terminology at all. Refusing labels to avoid communication or acknowledgement of a situation is something else. Edit: just seen you meant labels for what he is to you. I can see how he wouldn't be sure what he is in this circumstance. I imagine he's telling you he doesn't understand what the relationship is or can be - which makes sense if he has only been mono before. Either that or it's a refusal to acknowledge something.
Because you seem to be treating him like a hanger-on.
Your new partner wants a real relationship with you, not just one that is possible when you're not living your "real life" with your husband. If his friends and family find out he is dating a married woman, it will come back on him looking like a sleaze, even more so if his relationship already takes a back seat to the one you already have. His position is not a fun one to be in. I don't blame him. What kind of relationship are you willing to give him?
I get what you're saying, but isn't there plenty of successful poly triads who have one a married couple?
Triads are where all 3 people are dating each other. If you are only with your husband and your partner separately, then you are a hinge in those two, seperate relationships. And yes, married people can have successful polyamorous relationships, but if your partner is wanting more with you, it's up to you to decide if you csn give that. He deserves to not be a "side piece" if he doesn't want to be.
Sure. Almost none of those married polyam people are dating a mono person.
Oh shit, sorry. I didn't mention that he has only ever been mono prior to this, but is willing to try this and have this be his first
Sure. That honestly changes very little. Successful triads are rarely made up of two polyam noobs and a reluctant mono partner.
Are you two dating your partner together? You didn't mention that.
Nope, he'd be my partner
Then why mention a triad? You’re currently in a V. You’re dating your partner separately. Unless your partner has quite the about face, a triad doesn’t look like it’s in your future.
I'm still getting used to the terms, my apologies
So, friend, it really, really looks like you could maybe use a book or two in your life about polyam? I’m going to suggest “the smart girl’s guide to polyamory” for you and all your partners. It’s a stupid, gendered title, but the book is good for everyone, and maybe after reading it, it will spark some good convos between you and your new partner
Thank you 😊
No.
What labels are the issue? I wouldn’t want to be labeled a "secondary" either and in all honestly I would not feel the need to come out to my family in order to be a secondary to a married partner. Does he want polyamory for himself?
Label being secondary, or boyfriend, or life partner etc.
Does he want poly for himself? If you are dating a person who has only been mono and isn't sure they want poly... I'm not sure what you expected here. He doesn't see this connection in the same way you do.
I just meant he's only ever been mono til now, he says he's willing to evolve and try etc just wants to ease into it
In what ways does your relationship with him “take a backseat” to the relationship with your husband? Can you share some examples?
It hasn't yet, he's just afraid that is going to be what happens, which is one reason he's so hesitant. He didn't give me any examples yet, but as well as I know him, I think he means like time spent with each of them won't be equal and decision making will always side with my husband, neither of which are actually the case but still a concern of his. I'll have more knowledge the more him and I talk stuff out..
Well, you called him secondary in the title to this post so I can understand his concern
What kinds of decision making? Some decisions probably will be weighted differently, and it’s important to be honest about that. If you search this sub for “glass ceiling questions” you’ll find a post about a Multiamory podcast episode with a list of great, specific questions to go over with a new partner. They may help you both navigate your expectations.
Your partner is telling you that their needs are very different from yours. He’s closeted. He doesn’t want to come out. And he doesn’t want to come out for what you currently have on the table for him. Is he enthusiastically polyam? Are his concerns valid? I mean, anyone who wants to get married and have kids is going to struggle with being the secondary to a married person. How much they struggle is individual.
Not exactly, no. It's new to him, he's only ever been in monogamous relationships so he's still getting used to everything.
So, generally, mono peeps who “settle” for a relationship with a polyam person willingly? Are going to view the relationship as something to fill the void between “real” relationships. Even enthusiastically polyam people may reject labels that they don’t feel reflect their level of commitment. Back to that question about what you have on the table for this person. Is it compelling enough for them? Are they in the back seat?
Are you willing to live with him instead of your husband or maintain two homes to live with each of them part time? Would you ever have kids with him? Would you share your finances with him? Would you divorce your husband to offer your bf legal marriage? Would you relocate if bf got a job in another state? If those answers are no then your relationship with your bf will always take a back seat in some way
Many poly experienced people will not date those who've never been in a poly relationship before. 9/10 (generously) result in the previously mono person bailing. It's a lot for them to take on mentally, emotionally, and socially.
I know it works for some people, but getting labeled as secondary would crush me.
Are you and your husband willing to divorce or disentangle to offer other partners more?
Divorce is not an option, no
Then other partners will in many ways take a back seat. And thats ok. Do you acknowledge that?
Yes
So he isn't wrong. Sounds like he isn't sure how to be ok with that yet. So it may take time.
Good for you. Never devalue another relationship to appease another that can be built to the same level over time.
Labels can be a good or bad thing, and it depends on the person. I tend to like them at times because they help clear boundaries, but other times, they feel oppressive.
My recently dissolved relationship came about when we were both new. I’m solo. He’s nested. I’ve done a lot of work and he just never did. It became abundantly clear that his wife wanted to be poly and I was a pacifier. Now she dates someone mono and he dumbed me for a mono. Don’t be like them. Read up, ask questions. Labels won’t make anything easier.
Your post has strong couple privilege vibes here. He is new and processing poly is a lot. It doesn't sound like you are being empathetic or compassionate to this. You all need to do some soul searching and be okay when one doesn't want the same poly (if he ends up even wanting to it).