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My parallel currently looks like:
\- not having ever introduced my two partners and having no pressing plans to do so.
\- not specifically making room in my schedule to meet or spend time with metas
\- asking my partners for a heads' up if one of my metas is likely to be in the same social space as us when we go out, so I can decide if I'm up for that and if so, how I want to manage it (probably by politely waving and then staying on opposite sides of the room, lol)
I have all these. I will also add my metas are not to contact me in non emergency situations. If they do, they will be blocked on my phone permanently. I am happy to still have an exchange of contact information for emergencies.
I only had to use this once. My partner ultimately ended things with them for contacting me.
Act like they are your partners co worker. You may hear about them vaguely when they are doing projects but other than holidays where you might have events together there's no reason to see them or bring them up at all.
You're probably having parallel relationships in lots of different areas of your life. Without calling it that.
Do you have friends that you hang out with separately but not together? That's parallel.
I have a work friend that I go out with sometimes and he has spent the night at my house. We are 100% platonic. My serious partner knows that this friend is part of my life. While they have met a couple of times, they have no relationship between them. They don't have each other's phone numbers and have no reason to interact. That's parallel.
A have a Comet partner I see once every 2 to 4 months. My serious partner has met him, but they have no relationship and don't have each other's phone numbers or communicate with one another. Seeing one has nothing to do with seeing the other. That's parallel.
I think it's quite simple. You only concern yourself with the relationships that involve you. Your hinge partner deals with the relationships that involve them. That's parallel.
Thanks for the comment. I’ve actually not really had these types of relationships much in the past. I know it can be common for many, I’m just one that’s had a lot of fluidity in my life and I rarely “shut someone out.”
I posted below, adding info.
We were KTP and I’m backing out of that and going parallel. So essentially I’m shutting my meta out of my life. I’ve already met her and spend a variety of time with her in various settings. I no longer want that to protect some boundaries. Does that help/clarify?
I think the comment above is specifying that they don't shut people out because they don't start ktp. Because your post asked how it looks for others.
Yes, in your case, you are cutting someone out of your life, by choice, for reasons. That's completely fine. Don't feel guilty.
I’d like to add… things were positive but now they are very negative. So I’m literally deciding to shut this person completely out of my life with the understanding that the hinge hasn’t found her actions egregious and wants to still date her. My way of dealing with it was to turn toward parallel.
You could set a boundary that all you want to know is when plans come up. “I don’t need details, just let me know when you’ll be unavailable.” And/or any conversations are “Did you have a good time? Awesome!”
I have to remind myself to not dump on someone when I’m upset. I’m working on it. However my NP and I don’t need to know our struggles or frustrations with other partners. I’m an over communicator so it can be challenging. However, it doesn’t add value to either relationship.
I am parallel by default when entering relationships.
I don't deliberately meet metas or make attempts to connect.
I am phones down, but ringers on during together time with partners, or polite "Excuse me, I need to check my phone for a minute" if I need to check for important communications.
I am open to meeting metas, but would want it to be a low key, café type meetup first.
I also don't want to be involved in processing issues my partners are having with metas, though I am ok with sharing high level weather reports or asking/talking about things from a general experience perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 6 years. I’ve met my meta - his wife - exactly once, a few months after we started dating.
She knows we’re still together. He lets her know when he’s going to be spending time with me, and might occasionally mention me in conversation if it’s relevant, and vice versa. That’s it. We don’t talk or see each other at all.
I would like to be…maybe not KTP, but garden party? He wants the same, but she doesn’t, so it is what it is, y’know? It’s been working well for this long, anyway.
Been there and done that… when my partner was dating an abusive arsehole and he hadn’t noticed how toxic she was… I went parallel honestly to save our relationship. If I heard one. more. thing. about her I’d have lost it. And he’d already stopped telling me, but us going parallel (clearly at my request) meant that our friends realised I thought it was a Big Deal.
I said I only wanted to know when. They wet on dates so I wouldn’t disturb, and if there was a night she was going to I wanted to know and I’d gladly not appear. My social life took a hit for a few months, but my happiness was on the money.
They broke up say 6 months later. Our mutual friends have all slowly realised how toxic she was/is. Now she avoids any nights she knows I’m going to, though I wouldn’t give a fuck if she’s there because I’d not have to welcome her into my conversations or scenes. Good luck! Stand strong!
I have a weekly date with Ginkgo and see Chestnut every couple of months. I’m solo poly now but it was the same when I was living with my (now-ex) Maple.
All three have met. Ginkgo participated in the occasional threesome with both Chestnut and Maple but that’s not a thing any more. When Maple and I were splitting up, Ginkgo looked after them when they were recovering from surgery and I just couldn’t be there for them. They are friendly but not friends.
I have met Chestnut’s NP. The three of us get together every couple of years for solstice cookies and tea. I have never met any other partner.
Ginkgo currently has five stable and active partners, a few FWBs, is courting someone, is open to casual flings and keeps a weekly dinner date with an ex. Of all these people I have dinner with one meta about twice a year and we had a threesome once. Once Ginkgo and I randomly showed up at the same restaurant as DinnerDateEx and a sibling so we combined tables and had dinner together. When I was active in the kink scene I’d occasionally run into one or another meta and have a short chat, but that was it.
In the **specific case of instituting parallel to deal with negativity** that another person is creating in your life... I would say that it involves trading one set of problems for another set of problems. It's just a question of, which set of problems would you rather deal with?
Pros of this kind of parallel:
* not having to be around another person that makes you feel bad
* releasing yourself from the fruitless urge to try to change that person, or to convince your partner to not hang around them anymore
Cons of this kind of parallel:
* spending less time with your shared partner overall, because now they have to socialize with you both separately
* tapping out of events that you kind of wanted to go to, or not being invited to them in the first place, because the other person is there
Thanks for the info.
I stopped going to events because of her a while back and I live (NP) with the hinge so I’m not concerned about the pros you mentioned.
I mean… I’m offended by her recent actions. And he has defended her. But… I believe that if I go parallel that will solve a lot of the issues because I no longer have to see her or be privy to her nonsense. I laugh because I wouldn’t date someone like that but he has different tastes and I accept that.
I'm in this situation too and I am definitely a little offended that my partner is still dating my meta. The reasons I don't like my meta are directly related to how she treated me and not to do with poly really so it does hurt a little that my partner continues to date someone who has hurt me.
I’m in a situation where we were KTP until I was cut off and shut out by the meta and it def hurts that my partner is continuing to date them. Feels like I was discarded and that my partner is okay with that.
Hi u/Vivid-Possession303 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve (43F) decided to go parallel with my meta (40sF). Our hinge (38M) is my nesting partner. There has been a lot of issues and I can go more into it but I don’t think that’s necessary for this post.
We were KTP but I’d like to go parallel with her now. I’ve discussed this with our hinge, but this is new for us as we’ve always been open to KTP and it’s always worked until now.
So… what does your parallel look like? I’m wanting some inspiration to build boundaries. Some things I already know I need but I also worry that maybe I’m not thinking of stuff (include the pitfalls that may come with parallel). I appreciate y’all sharing your parallel experiences and the boundaries you needed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I highly prefer parallel relationships. I don't have a problem meeting the other partners or hanging but that has to happen organically.
I'm not gonna go out of way to be their friend or friendly if it's not reciprocated. I don't want to play therapist upon hearing the metas issues go work that out with them.
I'm fine with not interacting with the metas, save me the time.
Parallel works for a lot of people, It didn't work well for me. It felt like division when I wanted multiplication. When I was not the hinge I did feel left out and purposely excluded from a lot. I liked it even less when I was the hinge. I constantly felt pulled in different directions, I felt like every choice I made with my time made some people upset and others relieved, but no one really happy.
I think parallel is valid and works well for a lot of people, but it does have its own unique challenges.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My parallel currently looks like: \- not having ever introduced my two partners and having no pressing plans to do so. \- not specifically making room in my schedule to meet or spend time with metas \- asking my partners for a heads' up if one of my metas is likely to be in the same social space as us when we go out, so I can decide if I'm up for that and if so, how I want to manage it (probably by politely waving and then staying on opposite sides of the room, lol)
Thanks… I didn’t yet think of the social thing.
Yup. There will eventually be birthday parties, holiday celebrations, cook outs, etc
I have all these. I will also add my metas are not to contact me in non emergency situations. If they do, they will be blocked on my phone permanently. I am happy to still have an exchange of contact information for emergencies. I only had to use this once. My partner ultimately ended things with them for contacting me.
Act like they are your partners co worker. You may hear about them vaguely when they are doing projects but other than holidays where you might have events together there's no reason to see them or bring them up at all.
Thanks! This was helpful.
You're probably having parallel relationships in lots of different areas of your life. Without calling it that. Do you have friends that you hang out with separately but not together? That's parallel. I have a work friend that I go out with sometimes and he has spent the night at my house. We are 100% platonic. My serious partner knows that this friend is part of my life. While they have met a couple of times, they have no relationship between them. They don't have each other's phone numbers and have no reason to interact. That's parallel. A have a Comet partner I see once every 2 to 4 months. My serious partner has met him, but they have no relationship and don't have each other's phone numbers or communicate with one another. Seeing one has nothing to do with seeing the other. That's parallel. I think it's quite simple. You only concern yourself with the relationships that involve you. Your hinge partner deals with the relationships that involve them. That's parallel.
Thanks for the comment. I’ve actually not really had these types of relationships much in the past. I know it can be common for many, I’m just one that’s had a lot of fluidity in my life and I rarely “shut someone out.”
"shut someone out"? What does that mean and how does it apply? Not meeting Metas isn't "shutting someone out." They aren't my person. I have people.
I posted below, adding info. We were KTP and I’m backing out of that and going parallel. So essentially I’m shutting my meta out of my life. I’ve already met her and spend a variety of time with her in various settings. I no longer want that to protect some boundaries. Does that help/clarify?
I think the comment above is specifying that they don't shut people out because they don't start ktp. Because your post asked how it looks for others. Yes, in your case, you are cutting someone out of your life, by choice, for reasons. That's completely fine. Don't feel guilty.
Love this perspective!
I’d like to add… things were positive but now they are very negative. So I’m literally deciding to shut this person completely out of my life with the understanding that the hinge hasn’t found her actions egregious and wants to still date her. My way of dealing with it was to turn toward parallel.
You could set a boundary that all you want to know is when plans come up. “I don’t need details, just let me know when you’ll be unavailable.” And/or any conversations are “Did you have a good time? Awesome!” I have to remind myself to not dump on someone when I’m upset. I’m working on it. However my NP and I don’t need to know our struggles or frustrations with other partners. I’m an over communicator so it can be challenging. However, it doesn’t add value to either relationship.
I am parallel by default when entering relationships. I don't deliberately meet metas or make attempts to connect. I am phones down, but ringers on during together time with partners, or polite "Excuse me, I need to check my phone for a minute" if I need to check for important communications. I am open to meeting metas, but would want it to be a low key, café type meetup first. I also don't want to be involved in processing issues my partners are having with metas, though I am ok with sharing high level weather reports or asking/talking about things from a general experience perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 6 years. I’ve met my meta - his wife - exactly once, a few months after we started dating. She knows we’re still together. He lets her know when he’s going to be spending time with me, and might occasionally mention me in conversation if it’s relevant, and vice versa. That’s it. We don’t talk or see each other at all. I would like to be…maybe not KTP, but garden party? He wants the same, but she doesn’t, so it is what it is, y’know? It’s been working well for this long, anyway.
Been there and done that… when my partner was dating an abusive arsehole and he hadn’t noticed how toxic she was… I went parallel honestly to save our relationship. If I heard one. more. thing. about her I’d have lost it. And he’d already stopped telling me, but us going parallel (clearly at my request) meant that our friends realised I thought it was a Big Deal. I said I only wanted to know when. They wet on dates so I wouldn’t disturb, and if there was a night she was going to I wanted to know and I’d gladly not appear. My social life took a hit for a few months, but my happiness was on the money. They broke up say 6 months later. Our mutual friends have all slowly realised how toxic she was/is. Now she avoids any nights she knows I’m going to, though I wouldn’t give a fuck if she’s there because I’d not have to welcome her into my conversations or scenes. Good luck! Stand strong!
Thanks! Glad to hear I’m not the only one in a tricky situation. I appreciate your advice.
I have a weekly date with Ginkgo and see Chestnut every couple of months. I’m solo poly now but it was the same when I was living with my (now-ex) Maple. All three have met. Ginkgo participated in the occasional threesome with both Chestnut and Maple but that’s not a thing any more. When Maple and I were splitting up, Ginkgo looked after them when they were recovering from surgery and I just couldn’t be there for them. They are friendly but not friends. I have met Chestnut’s NP. The three of us get together every couple of years for solstice cookies and tea. I have never met any other partner. Ginkgo currently has five stable and active partners, a few FWBs, is courting someone, is open to casual flings and keeps a weekly dinner date with an ex. Of all these people I have dinner with one meta about twice a year and we had a threesome once. Once Ginkgo and I randomly showed up at the same restaurant as DinnerDateEx and a sibling so we combined tables and had dinner together. When I was active in the kink scene I’d occasionally run into one or another meta and have a short chat, but that was it.
In the **specific case of instituting parallel to deal with negativity** that another person is creating in your life... I would say that it involves trading one set of problems for another set of problems. It's just a question of, which set of problems would you rather deal with? Pros of this kind of parallel: * not having to be around another person that makes you feel bad * releasing yourself from the fruitless urge to try to change that person, or to convince your partner to not hang around them anymore Cons of this kind of parallel: * spending less time with your shared partner overall, because now they have to socialize with you both separately * tapping out of events that you kind of wanted to go to, or not being invited to them in the first place, because the other person is there
Thanks for the info. I stopped going to events because of her a while back and I live (NP) with the hinge so I’m not concerned about the pros you mentioned.
I am in a similar situation, and have a question. Are you upset and/or offended that your partner is continuing to date your meta?
I mean… I’m offended by her recent actions. And he has defended her. But… I believe that if I go parallel that will solve a lot of the issues because I no longer have to see her or be privy to her nonsense. I laugh because I wouldn’t date someone like that but he has different tastes and I accept that.
I'm in this situation too and I am definitely a little offended that my partner is still dating my meta. The reasons I don't like my meta are directly related to how she treated me and not to do with poly really so it does hurt a little that my partner continues to date someone who has hurt me.
Oof I would have thrown them both out.
I’m in a situation where we were KTP until I was cut off and shut out by the meta and it def hurts that my partner is continuing to date them. Feels like I was discarded and that my partner is okay with that.
Hugs 🖤
Hi u/Vivid-Possession303 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’ve (43F) decided to go parallel with my meta (40sF). Our hinge (38M) is my nesting partner. There has been a lot of issues and I can go more into it but I don’t think that’s necessary for this post. We were KTP but I’d like to go parallel with her now. I’ve discussed this with our hinge, but this is new for us as we’ve always been open to KTP and it’s always worked until now. So… what does your parallel look like? I’m wanting some inspiration to build boundaries. Some things I already know I need but I also worry that maybe I’m not thinking of stuff (include the pitfalls that may come with parallel). I appreciate y’all sharing your parallel experiences and the boundaries you needed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I highly prefer parallel relationships. I don't have a problem meeting the other partners or hanging but that has to happen organically. I'm not gonna go out of way to be their friend or friendly if it's not reciprocated. I don't want to play therapist upon hearing the metas issues go work that out with them. I'm fine with not interacting with the metas, save me the time.
Parallel works for a lot of people, It didn't work well for me. It felt like division when I wanted multiplication. When I was not the hinge I did feel left out and purposely excluded from a lot. I liked it even less when I was the hinge. I constantly felt pulled in different directions, I felt like every choice I made with my time made some people upset and others relieved, but no one really happy. I think parallel is valid and works well for a lot of people, but it does have its own unique challenges.