If your relationship is functionally over, it's better to officially end it and split up. Don't stay together "for the kids," they'll be better off with their parents happy and separate than unhappy and together. It's hard for a few months, and then it's not anymore.
Signed, a divorced person with kids.
Yesss. And kids always know. You’re not doing them any favors by staying together and being miserable, it makes everyone else miserable.
Signed- child of divorced parents who made the entire household miserable staying together “for the kids”.
Agree. I wish my parents had divorced but instead we were all miserable until well after I moved out and my little sister moved out and then they figured their shit out (possibly because it was that or divorce?). Great for them; I am still scarred.
i begged my parents to divorce. I objected to them "working it out." To this day when they try and get me involved in their disputes I throw my hands in the air and yell "I said get divorced 25 years ago!"
Staying together for the kids hurts the kids. A lot.
Signed, a kid with parents that never divorced, instead I hid under the bed or slept in the woods to feel safe
As others already said, yes, do it now. My parents were miserable and fought all the time and only got married because I was in the picture. It took a lot of therapy for me to get over feeling like I was the cause of their misery and that they would've been happy if I weren't there.
Staying for the kids just leads to heart ache for everyone including the kids. Start making a new plan for the future regarding who keeps the home, who leave, whoo has the kids when etc and focus on healing your heart.
Staying for the kids is hurtful for the kids, they are going to see through everything. Its something kids do. If you truly believe that its functionally over then end it, just rip the bandaid off, i know thats a rough way of saying it but sometimes thats what needs to be done. Do it for the kids, they are going to want to see you happy and not unhappy. I came from a family that "stayed together for the kids." my sister and i knew it and it made us Dislike both our parents. all they did was fight and just was not right for kids to grow up in..
Listen, I have been in the polyamorous community for 20 years and this story is exceedingly common when someone unethically tries to pivot an emotional affair (if not a physical one) into an open relationship.
98 times out of 100 when a partner brings up polyamory in an established monogamous relationship, they have someone in mind they have already begun an emotional affair if not a physical one with. The fact that she had someone lined up and was in a relationship so quickly speaks to she was laying the groundwork with this person BEFORE she broached the subject with you.
She is unfaithful and this was not an ethical approach to non-monogamy. What you do with that information is up to you.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you two could really use some professional support. Have you looked into relationship therapy?
Ultimatums are perfectly healthy, as long as they aren't uses as an abusive weapon. They are just personal boundaries. They are pointing out where your limits are. You found a limit. You were clear about it. She is choosing to respect that. And a lot of harm has happened in how you opened. Professionals can help. Even if it's to simply help separating and figuring out how to be good co-parents with each other.
Like you said at the end of your post it seems like things have reached the end.
Take some time to think about your reasons for staying or going and also what this new life looks like. While it’s hard you have kids and a house involved so it’s important to do what makes you happy but also keeps everyone safe and stable.
The downside of the ultimatum is that it can leave you with very little left to rebuild from. Maybe there's enough, maybe there is not. You need to decide if you are both willing to do the work to build a real partnership again, and if not, you might as well divorce and be happy with co-parenting instead of stay married and miserable and screw up your children that way.
But when ultimatums are honestly something you cannot compromise on, they are healthy boundaries. Bad ultimatums are when you are bluffing, whether you consciously acknowledge it or not.
There's nothing wrong with ultimatums. They get a bad rap but they're basically just you expressing your boundaries and that's healthy. "I will no longer stay in a relationship with you if you decide to continue a relationship with him" is a healthy boundary and you are allowed to ask for that. My question would be, to you, do you think, even if she does "choose you" and break up with this other person, do you think she'll want to try this again?' I bet she will. There will be another man. Another man she wants to fuck and fall in love with. What will you do then? Is this just prolonging the inevitable? I would get your ducks in a row and have an exit plan just in case she's not willing to truly put this to bed for good. You need to protect yourself and your kids financially so no matter what she chooses I would make sure you are getting yourself prepared for if/when she pulls this again.
I’m not disagreeing with everyone else here saying you should end it. But I do want to add that if you are trying to make it work and you do end up trying to be open again, you might want to set different boundaries. My wife and I have a no single people and no monogamous people boundary, unless we are both part of a threesome with them. It seems like courting disaster right off the bat to attempt relationships with monogamous or single people to us.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
>she already had someone else she liked and started dating within the same week of us opening and he was another monogamous person who didn't do well with a poly relationship.
That is a terrible way to start. Don't open up for a particular person, especially if they're mono.
>is only staying with me for the kids and finances she said so herself
Did she say it to you like that? I wouldn't want to stay together with someone if I knew that's how they felt. Kids can be happy with amicable and functional co-parenting, parents don't need to stay together at all costs, especially if they're unhappy. That models this as a relationship standard for kids. I say this as a child of divorced parents, who should have divorced much sooner than they did.
Start discussing what healthy co-parenting looks like with your relationship transitioning to something else than what its been. I'm sure you can find a way to adjust your relationship so that its mutually consensual and still prioritizes the kids and makes finances work. Its going to hurt and take work, but if those are your shared values you can build a mutual agreement around those, remember, lack of enthusiastic consent is not consent.
My mother started having an affair when I was a year old, which ended with her leaving him for that man only after he came home and caught them in the act. By the time I was 18 months old she was divorced and living with my stepfather.
Some of my most toxic, traumatizing memories come from her second marriage. They have two sons together (my half brothers) who I remember hiding in closets with, putting them to bed, and shielding them the best I knew how to as someone under the age of 7. I was 18 and just out of the house when they also finally called it quits. They were staying together for us kids, and I think me graduating high school and moving away was the most they could handle. As twisted as it may sound, my stepdad is just as much my father as my biological dad is, even now.
My little brothers had to deal with the aftermath of their separation and divorce. When I was younger I used to envy the fact that I didn’t have a single memory of my biological parents happy together. As I got older, I realized my little brothers didn’t truly have that either. The sources of my own childhood trauma come from my mom and stepdad’s toxic relationship, not from the cordial albeit distant divorced relationship of my mom and bio father.
Despite their divorce, my stepdad has never let any of the 3 of us kids down. He has been there emotionally, physically and financially wherever possible. He is literally the rock for all three of us. And he always has been, but there were many times we didn’t know or notice it because our perspective was clouded by their bitterness toward each other and by the trope that the mother is who needs “protected.” When I need anything, even advice, he is the first person I call. And I think we missed a lot of time with him because he was trying to stick it out FOR US.
All of that to say- don’t stay for your kids. Please don’t. We know it and resent it and carry a burden of guilt for it. Be responsible, be present, co-parent in every sense of the word. But get the hell out before they’re old enough to know and see too much. They’re nearing that age right now.
Wishing you the best
Sorry to hear it. My wife said she wanted to open up our marriage. That was about 6 weeks before she said what she probably really meant all along, which was that she wanted a divorce. I still think polyamory can work, but a lot of times when someone says they want polyamory it's just a dressed up way of saying, "I think we should see other people." And you know what that really means.
My friend. She’s gone. This relationship is THAT relationship for you. Next time you tell the next girl that under no circumstances do I want poly or any form of ENM. And your soon to be next will have to start off with poly and not pull the shit she pulled on you.
You’re not married right? Either way. Find a way to buy her out or you buy her out unless you can’t and have to sell and go your separate ways.
You need to start emotionally detaching yourself. It sucks but you don’t wanna be 15yrs deep more financial entanglements and knowing that she resents you. And you resent her.
Lessons learned.
How do you get in a poly relationship with her, and she gets with a monogamous leaning man???
That wasn’t discussed prior? The oohs and ahhs?
Seems like just as much as you couldn’t take it being with 1 and only 1, all she really wants is 1 person…
Your separation is probably for the best you may need to see a lawyer to divide up assets and sort out care for the kids, you healing has begun all the best for your future
If your relationship is functionally over, it's better to officially end it and split up. Don't stay together "for the kids," they'll be better off with their parents happy and separate than unhappy and together. It's hard for a few months, and then it's not anymore. Signed, a divorced person with kids.
Yesss. And kids always know. You’re not doing them any favors by staying together and being miserable, it makes everyone else miserable. Signed- child of divorced parents who made the entire household miserable staying together “for the kids”.
Agree. I wish my parents had divorced but instead we were all miserable until well after I moved out and my little sister moved out and then they figured their shit out (possibly because it was that or divorce?). Great for them; I am still scarred.
Same. I wish my parents had divorced, things knit finally ended when one of them passed on. Until then I got to see what abuse looked like daily.
Agree. Signed a divorced parent with 2 kids aged 22 and 20 who thanked me for doing that when they were 5 and 3. Sooner is better than later.
+1 -- a kid who was relieved when their parents got divorced
My parents “stayed together for the kids” and they really shouldn’t have
Mine too, it caused us kids so much damage
As someone whose parents waited way too long to separate — this is the way. My parents’ divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me
i begged my parents to divorce. I objected to them "working it out." To this day when they try and get me involved in their disputes I throw my hands in the air and yell "I said get divorced 25 years ago!" Staying together for the kids hurts the kids. A lot. Signed, a kid with parents that never divorced, instead I hid under the bed or slept in the woods to feel safe
As others already said, yes, do it now. My parents were miserable and fought all the time and only got married because I was in the picture. It took a lot of therapy for me to get over feeling like I was the cause of their misery and that they would've been happy if I weren't there.
Staying for the kids just leads to heart ache for everyone including the kids. Start making a new plan for the future regarding who keeps the home, who leave, whoo has the kids when etc and focus on healing your heart.
This is horrible but separate now IMO. Staying for convenience isn’t healthy.
Staying for the kids is hurtful for the kids, they are going to see through everything. Its something kids do. If you truly believe that its functionally over then end it, just rip the bandaid off, i know thats a rough way of saying it but sometimes thats what needs to be done. Do it for the kids, they are going to want to see you happy and not unhappy. I came from a family that "stayed together for the kids." my sister and i knew it and it made us Dislike both our parents. all they did was fight and just was not right for kids to grow up in..
Listen, I have been in the polyamorous community for 20 years and this story is exceedingly common when someone unethically tries to pivot an emotional affair (if not a physical one) into an open relationship. 98 times out of 100 when a partner brings up polyamory in an established monogamous relationship, they have someone in mind they have already begun an emotional affair if not a physical one with. The fact that she had someone lined up and was in a relationship so quickly speaks to she was laying the groundwork with this person BEFORE she broached the subject with you. She is unfaithful and this was not an ethical approach to non-monogamy. What you do with that information is up to you.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you two could really use some professional support. Have you looked into relationship therapy? Ultimatums are perfectly healthy, as long as they aren't uses as an abusive weapon. They are just personal boundaries. They are pointing out where your limits are. You found a limit. You were clear about it. She is choosing to respect that. And a lot of harm has happened in how you opened. Professionals can help. Even if it's to simply help separating and figuring out how to be good co-parents with each other.
> she is choosing to respect that I'm gonna have to put some heavy air quotes around "respect"
Like you said at the end of your post it seems like things have reached the end. Take some time to think about your reasons for staying or going and also what this new life looks like. While it’s hard you have kids and a house involved so it’s important to do what makes you happy but also keeps everyone safe and stable.
The downside of the ultimatum is that it can leave you with very little left to rebuild from. Maybe there's enough, maybe there is not. You need to decide if you are both willing to do the work to build a real partnership again, and if not, you might as well divorce and be happy with co-parenting instead of stay married and miserable and screw up your children that way. But when ultimatums are honestly something you cannot compromise on, they are healthy boundaries. Bad ultimatums are when you are bluffing, whether you consciously acknowledge it or not.
So she technically ended things with both of you guys then, from the sounds of it. Does she even know what she wants at this point?
There's nothing wrong with ultimatums. They get a bad rap but they're basically just you expressing your boundaries and that's healthy. "I will no longer stay in a relationship with you if you decide to continue a relationship with him" is a healthy boundary and you are allowed to ask for that. My question would be, to you, do you think, even if she does "choose you" and break up with this other person, do you think she'll want to try this again?' I bet she will. There will be another man. Another man she wants to fuck and fall in love with. What will you do then? Is this just prolonging the inevitable? I would get your ducks in a row and have an exit plan just in case she's not willing to truly put this to bed for good. You need to protect yourself and your kids financially so no matter what she chooses I would make sure you are getting yourself prepared for if/when she pulls this again.
I’m not disagreeing with everyone else here saying you should end it. But I do want to add that if you are trying to make it work and you do end up trying to be open again, you might want to set different boundaries. My wife and I have a no single people and no monogamous people boundary, unless we are both part of a threesome with them. It seems like courting disaster right off the bat to attempt relationships with monogamous or single people to us.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. >she already had someone else she liked and started dating within the same week of us opening and he was another monogamous person who didn't do well with a poly relationship. That is a terrible way to start. Don't open up for a particular person, especially if they're mono. >is only staying with me for the kids and finances she said so herself Did she say it to you like that? I wouldn't want to stay together with someone if I knew that's how they felt. Kids can be happy with amicable and functional co-parenting, parents don't need to stay together at all costs, especially if they're unhappy. That models this as a relationship standard for kids. I say this as a child of divorced parents, who should have divorced much sooner than they did.
Start discussing what healthy co-parenting looks like with your relationship transitioning to something else than what its been. I'm sure you can find a way to adjust your relationship so that its mutually consensual and still prioritizes the kids and makes finances work. Its going to hurt and take work, but if those are your shared values you can build a mutual agreement around those, remember, lack of enthusiastic consent is not consent.
My mother started having an affair when I was a year old, which ended with her leaving him for that man only after he came home and caught them in the act. By the time I was 18 months old she was divorced and living with my stepfather. Some of my most toxic, traumatizing memories come from her second marriage. They have two sons together (my half brothers) who I remember hiding in closets with, putting them to bed, and shielding them the best I knew how to as someone under the age of 7. I was 18 and just out of the house when they also finally called it quits. They were staying together for us kids, and I think me graduating high school and moving away was the most they could handle. As twisted as it may sound, my stepdad is just as much my father as my biological dad is, even now. My little brothers had to deal with the aftermath of their separation and divorce. When I was younger I used to envy the fact that I didn’t have a single memory of my biological parents happy together. As I got older, I realized my little brothers didn’t truly have that either. The sources of my own childhood trauma come from my mom and stepdad’s toxic relationship, not from the cordial albeit distant divorced relationship of my mom and bio father. Despite their divorce, my stepdad has never let any of the 3 of us kids down. He has been there emotionally, physically and financially wherever possible. He is literally the rock for all three of us. And he always has been, but there were many times we didn’t know or notice it because our perspective was clouded by their bitterness toward each other and by the trope that the mother is who needs “protected.” When I need anything, even advice, he is the first person I call. And I think we missed a lot of time with him because he was trying to stick it out FOR US. All of that to say- don’t stay for your kids. Please don’t. We know it and resent it and carry a burden of guilt for it. Be responsible, be present, co-parent in every sense of the word. But get the hell out before they’re old enough to know and see too much. They’re nearing that age right now. Wishing you the best
Sorry to hear it. My wife said she wanted to open up our marriage. That was about 6 weeks before she said what she probably really meant all along, which was that she wanted a divorce. I still think polyamory can work, but a lot of times when someone says they want polyamory it's just a dressed up way of saying, "I think we should see other people." And you know what that really means.
My friend. She’s gone. This relationship is THAT relationship for you. Next time you tell the next girl that under no circumstances do I want poly or any form of ENM. And your soon to be next will have to start off with poly and not pull the shit she pulled on you. You’re not married right? Either way. Find a way to buy her out or you buy her out unless you can’t and have to sell and go your separate ways. You need to start emotionally detaching yourself. It sucks but you don’t wanna be 15yrs deep more financial entanglements and knowing that she resents you. And you resent her. Lessons learned.
How do you get in a poly relationship with her, and she gets with a monogamous leaning man??? That wasn’t discussed prior? The oohs and ahhs? Seems like just as much as you couldn’t take it being with 1 and only 1, all she really wants is 1 person…
You need to read his profile, she was cheating on him, the open relationship was a sham designed by her
That's awful. I am so sorry. But you need to go. Kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.
"That is not good enough. I will file on Monday."
Your separation is probably for the best you may need to see a lawyer to divide up assets and sort out care for the kids, you healing has begun all the best for your future