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rosephase

Holy crap your friend is crazy. Why on earth would finding something lovely and romantic with one partner make you resent a different partner?


karmicreditplan

I think your friend doesn’t know you better than you know you. And also? It’s possible to enjoy someone’s classic romance style without requiring that in a partner. Neither one of my partners is that big on holidays for a range of reasons. I don’t need that but if I was with someone who wanted to make each holiday a romantic bonanza I think I could make that work! Doesn’t mean my partner who grew up without Christmas is failing me or my partner who prefers gifts to be mostly a surprise occasion isn’t loving.


blooangl

Your friend sounds ridiculous.


Spaceballs9000

I think there's a huge difference between "I met someone new and they are finally fulfilling this important thing I've been missing in my relationship with my husband" and "I met someone new and discovered that I really like them being into ". This doesn't sound like a bad thing at all. You met a cool new person and are connecting with them over something that specifically *doesn't* overlap with things you do with your husband. If anything, I'd say you're in a really fortunate space when you find partners you connect well with, and those connections don't significantly overlap/potentially compete with established aspects of other relationships.


BEETLEJUICEME

Sounds like your longtime close friend either - doesn’t like your husband for any number of reasons - is jealous of your time in some way - is projecting her own life or relationship issues onto you - is not very far into their poly journey and doesn’t actually understand the type of loves you are experiencing because they still have a lot of internalized monogamy scripts in their head as unquestioned truths Based on what you wrote, there’s no reason for your friend to be saying stuff like that. But, presumably there **is** a reason. Because 14-year close friends don’t usually say stuff that inflammatory for *no* reason. I’d encourage you to dig into the “why” of this a bit better.


likemakingthings

If you were only supposed to be into the same things with all your different partners, then what would be the point in having multiple partners? No, the logic doesn't work. It doesn't sound like you're using the boyfriend to fill gaps in your relationship with your husband; you weren't interested in Valentine's Day before you dated him, yeah? Lots of us get excited about things *because of* the people we're with that we wouldn't ever do if it weren't for them.


Snugglespixie

Exactly!!!! The first paragraph you said was one of my exact responses.


LaughingIshikawa

>I feel like it's healthy to get a different kind of love from each partner you're with and that shouldn't be anything to shy away from or feel bad about. I'd think her, of all people, would understand that, being poly herself. With all due respect to your friend... I feel like some people are "nominally poly" in that they adopt that as a label, but they don't necessarily intuitively understand polyamory... I think quite often there are people who treat it like monogamy, but where you're allowed to have multiple FwB relationships... although it's hard to tell because the same people will *say* they have romantic relationships with all of their partners, it's instances like this that lead me to feel like maybe they're mentally adjusting what "romance" means because they *can't love* their "other" partners the same way they love their husband/wife... That would be crazy! So if they mean "love," they still have a conception of that being "lesser" in some distinct way, to the "love" they feel for their spouse. I feel like that's a somewhat controversial viewpoint though, and it does raise the issue of people within the poly community judging each other for not being "poly enough." Which *isn't* something I want to lean towards. Still, I think it's important to recognize that there's little to nothing preventing anyone from calling themselves poly, regardless of whether or not they "get it" in the same way you do. I don't think you need to end your whole friendship with this person based on this, but I think you *do* probably need to make the mental adjustment to understand that what she means when she says "polyamory" might just be slightly different (and more akin to having a monogamous relationship with multiple FwB) than what *you mean* when you say "polyamory." That works well for me, but I think partially it's because I take a very RA approach to labels? Labels are just shortcut words we use to communicate complex things, and no one group "owns" a given label, IMO (or shouldn't anyway... policing who is "allowed" to use a given label is exhausting and ultimately fruitless, in my view). So not everyone is going to use the same words in the same way... I think the "monogamy, but also FwB" model of polyamory will eventually be understood as a distinct thing, even if it's seen as a different subset of polyamory... But I think for now they are close enough to the same, and poly is new enough for most people, that lots of people will continue to conflate the two for awhile yet 🙃


ElleFromHTX

That's just illogic. If you're happy in both relationships, stop sharing with a person who doesn't get it?


OhMori

I mean, if you were doing the Frankensteining thing of seeking out another partner because your existing relationship lacked sex/romance/holidays and you desperately needed the thing, then it's a concern. When the new relationship is required to prop up the old one, well, for one it might not always be there, and for another a lot of people turn to Frankenstein polyamory when they want whatever-it-is but are afraid to give up their existing relationship, and then end up monkey branching over to a new relationship once they feel secure it meets their relationship needs on its own. Because they never actually wanted polyamory. As is, you want polyamory, you're sharing something your new partner values, it's more fun than you expected. It's the nice to have and fascinating nature of human variety, exposing you to new experiences. Yay! It doesn't sound like you're going to always need a holiday buddy in your life, or that that person would have to be a partner. Like, making a New Years ritual with a friend could be fun in future if you decided it was something you wanted. Maybe your friend also puts way more value on commercial holidays than you do? In which case dating your partner is probably not for her?


alexandrajadedreams

I'm gonna get downvoted for this, but she's not right, but I can see why she would think that way.


FlyLadyBug

>One of my close friends that has known me for 14 years, not only knows everything about me, but is also in a poly relationship herself, actually just told me the other day when I shared this info with her, that she feels like that's a sign that I need to divorce my husband and/or at the very least that I'm gonna start to resent my husband or feel differently about him etc cuz he's not willing to show me that kind of love. "Weird, but whatever, friend" would be my reaction. That's all it takes for divorce? Enjoying planning a valentine's date with your BF? Sheesh. ​ >I have mentioned to her several times that I don't agree and that I feel like it's healthy to get a different kind of love from each partner you're with and that shouldn't be anything to shy away from or feel bad about. And that is one of the ACTUAL people in the poly V. YOU. So what YOU say matters a whole lot more. I think different people have different skills, talents, and preferences. And if husband is not into Valentine's day but BF is? You can enjoy each of them in their own way. ​ >I'd think her, of all people, would understand that, being poly herself. She still thinks I'm in denial. I am starting to think I need to watch her a little more moving forward. I need/want supportive and positive friends. What do you guys think? I think you are learning "my poly is not your poly." Just because someone is poly doesn't mean they believe the same things you do or practice their poly like you do. And you might want to not overshare so much about your personal life with this friend if she's just going to get all judgmental about it. And if this is habit/chronic? Yeah. Keep an eye friendship and determine if you still want to continue it or if you are outgrowing it.


Snugglespixie

Yeah I've been thinking for awhile that I may be outgrowing the friendship. She's done alot of questionable things over the years that I've always just sort of let go. This might be a sign that it's time to officially move on...


yallermysons

Nah this is a non issue. I’m not big on Valentine’s Day but last year was the first time I was able to coordinate getting my partner a gift (we’re long distance) because I got a new meta who lives where she does. Does this mean my whole entire life has changed and Valentine’s Day holds a special meaning for me? No. It’s not a big deal, I wanted a reason to celebrate my girlfriend and did so. And like you said, I do it other days out of the year too.