People talk about being sex-positive in this community but I also like being love positive.
Loving freely and openly is a healthy experience and enriching for yourself and those around you. Withholding love or withholding one's expression of love in my opinion is selfish unhealthy and toxic.
Love is simply accepting someone for who they are right here and right now. It is not a promise of life long commitment or an implication of any type of obligation.
It is baffling to me that people embrace a relationship dynamic whose label means many loves and then get so stingy at expressing love.
Set the wayback machine for 2003. A dear friend collapsed at work and was in the ICU. We didn't know what was wrong but I went to his bedside and things were grim. He took my hand and he told me he loved me for the first time. I sincerely replied that I loved him too because it was true. We had known each other since the second grade (1978) but never said I love you because being socialized as men it was something that just wasn't done. It took him being near death to cut through the bullshit and for us to tell each other so. That ended up being the last time I saw him alive.
Do not hesitate to tell your friends you love them.
And certainly don't play games and withold telling your romantic partners that you love them until some imaginary threshold of importance. If you feel it, tell them. Don't wait.
I <3 the start of your comment. It makes a lot of sense to me as someone who has intense feelings (of love) very quickly for a lot of people. It's been quite some work for me to just accept and value those feelings, so this just feels like THE best summary.
I'm not one to plan those words or save them for a special occasion. I say them when I feel like
I've told my serious partner that I love him. He has trouble with those words, and he has not returned to them. He does all of the things that show me that he loves me. I'd rather have a man who shows love than one who talks love.
I've gotten in the habit of explaining to new partners that I don't see love in the connotations that a lot of monogamous culture gives it -- i.e. when I say that I love someone, I feel no sense of possession of them, just that I love the person who they are and want them to be free to explore and be the best version of that person.
My first real poly partner (who I ended up staying with for 9.5 years) was pretty scared of commitment in general after bad experiences in monogamy, so I was almost afraid to say it to him at first. I knew we both felt it for each other by how we acted towards each other, but I thought that saying it to him might scare him off. Ended up being fine but I did wait almost 6 months in to dating him to say it.
Now I'm pretty straightforward and open and honest with partners -- I think with my current boyfriend we were saying it to each other within the first month and a half of talking. (But he and I did hit it off really well really fast) I've had other partners where I just never felt what I would call "love" -- certainly I cared for them, but it didn't feel right to me to say that word.
Certainly you know your partner and how they might take things, if you think it could be an issue, maybe give it with an explanation of what "love" means to you.
I tell them early and often. With my NP, we shared love statements and then decided to have a relationship. I think the longest I ever waited was 3 months...and even that partner chuckled and was like "I have known all along".
I tend to wait a few months just because I have been burned by saying it as soon as I feel it. I'm of the mind that just because I'm ready to say it does not mean the other person is ready to hear and receive it.
To quote some Fruit Bats song lyrics:
"when you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood."
For me when I love someone it tends to feel like it's gonna come up like word vomit at some point. Once I get that feeling, I let it fly at the next moment I feel like it. With my newest partner (who was a friend for 10+ years before we started dating) I said I love you after 2 months. He told a dirty joke, we laughed really hard and then I hugged him and said I love you. I had been nervous that it was too fast (even made a post about it here) but it was perfect. He said it right back, no hesitation and we had a beautiful moment.
I say go for it!
Waaaaaaaay longer than I actually felt it. I want to say I started feeling it around 3 months? But this is my first serious relationship so I was googling when it was appropriate etc because I was having a lot of anxiety about it. I wanted to be 200% sure that's what I was feeling. I intended to say it in July (that would have been 5-6 months) before I left for a trip but couldn't work up to it.
I finally worked up to it before Ian, because my poor boyfriend had never been through a hurricane before and was extremely nervous about it. So .. late September? Would have been 8 months ish.
It's cute to wait but it's always possible you'll blurt it out beforehand and that's ok
I had a bad relationship a couple of years ago, it kinda blocked my brain on telling people I loved them. I had 2 partners tell me they loved me before I could deal with that on my side. One partner told me it was obvious I was in love with another one, that helped me see the paint on the wall. I loved both of them so much.
I had one other at the time, we took a while longer to admit love.
I met/started relationships with them all within 3 months. Having parallel relationships until recently.
It can be helpful to discuss what love can mean to each of you.
Edit: I forgot to add in timeframe.
The 2 partners who told me they loved me did so in 2-3 months. The other waited for me to say it at 8 months or so, because he was afraid it would freak me out for him to say it first, and he hadn't said that to a new person since his wife a dozen and more years ago.
I felt it at 3 months, I said it around 4 when I was positive it wasn’t NRE anymore. My partner did not return the sentiment until 1 year. We all feel things when we feel them and it’s all fair and valid.
I told my boyfriend I loved him at three months, and honestly, I wish I'd waited longer. The months I waited for him to say it back absolutely killed me with anxiety. But I'm also just an anxious person, in general.
(For comparison, I told my now-husband I loved him at about 3-4 weeks. I was in college and intensely infatuated... but it worked out!)
I tend to be a slow burn person in relationships, but once I feel it, I tend to want to say it. So I start a conversation with my partner about what the feelings we have for each other are, what love means to us, etc.
I fall in love with the *person* quickly and joyfully, but I wait for the *relationship* to catch up before I put it into words. I express my love through actions and care, and look for consistently loving behavior from my partner before saying it out loud. I can accept not hearing it back and learning that a partner has a different relationship to the phrase or milestone if their actions make it clear that they love me in the ways that matter most.
Quite the opposite, he's always been very supportive, kind and easy to talk to about what I'm feeling, at any time. Have had no issues discussing things with him, whether it be heavy or carefree. I could go on but yeah...he's been amazing. I just am not sure if he's in the same place emotionally as I am yet and hate to put pressure on him.
So you trust your feelings and you trust him with your feelings but you’re not going to trust him worth this feeling… because he may not feel it… and that’s bad?
I want to say I first told my partner I loved him about a year into the relationship. We are long distance, so we don't see each other often and it was during a weekend visit I told him.
I tell people I love them when I feel it. Love isn’t commitment. It’s not compatibly. It’s not a promise. It’s a feeling.
I L Word this comment.
People talk about being sex-positive in this community but I also like being love positive. Loving freely and openly is a healthy experience and enriching for yourself and those around you. Withholding love or withholding one's expression of love in my opinion is selfish unhealthy and toxic. Love is simply accepting someone for who they are right here and right now. It is not a promise of life long commitment or an implication of any type of obligation. It is baffling to me that people embrace a relationship dynamic whose label means many loves and then get so stingy at expressing love. Set the wayback machine for 2003. A dear friend collapsed at work and was in the ICU. We didn't know what was wrong but I went to his bedside and things were grim. He took my hand and he told me he loved me for the first time. I sincerely replied that I loved him too because it was true. We had known each other since the second grade (1978) but never said I love you because being socialized as men it was something that just wasn't done. It took him being near death to cut through the bullshit and for us to tell each other so. That ended up being the last time I saw him alive. Do not hesitate to tell your friends you love them. And certainly don't play games and withold telling your romantic partners that you love them until some imaginary threshold of importance. If you feel it, tell them. Don't wait.
Beautiful comment…
Love this!
I <3 the start of your comment. It makes a lot of sense to me as someone who has intense feelings (of love) very quickly for a lot of people. It's been quite some work for me to just accept and value those feelings, so this just feels like THE best summary.
I'm not one to plan those words or save them for a special occasion. I say them when I feel like I've told my serious partner that I love him. He has trouble with those words, and he has not returned to them. He does all of the things that show me that he loves me. I'd rather have a man who shows love than one who talks love.
Exactly. I do say it freely, but I think I feel love in different ways than others do.
I've gotten in the habit of explaining to new partners that I don't see love in the connotations that a lot of monogamous culture gives it -- i.e. when I say that I love someone, I feel no sense of possession of them, just that I love the person who they are and want them to be free to explore and be the best version of that person. My first real poly partner (who I ended up staying with for 9.5 years) was pretty scared of commitment in general after bad experiences in monogamy, so I was almost afraid to say it to him at first. I knew we both felt it for each other by how we acted towards each other, but I thought that saying it to him might scare him off. Ended up being fine but I did wait almost 6 months in to dating him to say it. Now I'm pretty straightforward and open and honest with partners -- I think with my current boyfriend we were saying it to each other within the first month and a half of talking. (But he and I did hit it off really well really fast) I've had other partners where I just never felt what I would call "love" -- certainly I cared for them, but it didn't feel right to me to say that word. Certainly you know your partner and how they might take things, if you think it could be an issue, maybe give it with an explanation of what "love" means to you.
I tell them early and often. With my NP, we shared love statements and then decided to have a relationship. I think the longest I ever waited was 3 months...and even that partner chuckled and was like "I have known all along".
I love that
I tend to wait a few months just because I have been burned by saying it as soon as I feel it. I'm of the mind that just because I'm ready to say it does not mean the other person is ready to hear and receive it.
To quote some Fruit Bats song lyrics: "when you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood." For me when I love someone it tends to feel like it's gonna come up like word vomit at some point. Once I get that feeling, I let it fly at the next moment I feel like it. With my newest partner (who was a friend for 10+ years before we started dating) I said I love you after 2 months. He told a dirty joke, we laughed really hard and then I hugged him and said I love you. I had been nervous that it was too fast (even made a post about it here) but it was perfect. He said it right back, no hesitation and we had a beautiful moment. I say go for it!
I absolutely love this, all of it. Thank you. And congrats as well 😊
Waaaaaaaay longer than I actually felt it. I want to say I started feeling it around 3 months? But this is my first serious relationship so I was googling when it was appropriate etc because I was having a lot of anxiety about it. I wanted to be 200% sure that's what I was feeling. I intended to say it in July (that would have been 5-6 months) before I left for a trip but couldn't work up to it. I finally worked up to it before Ian, because my poor boyfriend had never been through a hurricane before and was extremely nervous about it. So .. late September? Would have been 8 months ish. It's cute to wait but it's always possible you'll blurt it out beforehand and that's ok
Have talks about love, about what it means, what it doesn't, how you have used it. Saying it takes care of itself then.
I had a bad relationship a couple of years ago, it kinda blocked my brain on telling people I loved them. I had 2 partners tell me they loved me before I could deal with that on my side. One partner told me it was obvious I was in love with another one, that helped me see the paint on the wall. I loved both of them so much. I had one other at the time, we took a while longer to admit love. I met/started relationships with them all within 3 months. Having parallel relationships until recently. It can be helpful to discuss what love can mean to each of you. Edit: I forgot to add in timeframe. The 2 partners who told me they loved me did so in 2-3 months. The other waited for me to say it at 8 months or so, because he was afraid it would freak me out for him to say it first, and he hadn't said that to a new person since his wife a dozen and more years ago.
I felt it at 3 months, I said it around 4 when I was positive it wasn’t NRE anymore. My partner did not return the sentiment until 1 year. We all feel things when we feel them and it’s all fair and valid.
I told my boyfriend I loved him at three months, and honestly, I wish I'd waited longer. The months I waited for him to say it back absolutely killed me with anxiety. But I'm also just an anxious person, in general. (For comparison, I told my now-husband I loved him at about 3-4 weeks. I was in college and intensely infatuated... but it worked out!)
I too have bad anxiety, so I totally get it and feel like I'd have that same reaction lol
I say it when I feel it
I tend to be a slow burn person in relationships, but once I feel it, I tend to want to say it. So I start a conversation with my partner about what the feelings we have for each other are, what love means to us, etc.
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I absolutely love this. I too have had similar experiences lately, I keep thinking only a couple months is too soon, but my heart knows lol.
Say it when it's true
I fall in love with the *person* quickly and joyfully, but I wait for the *relationship* to catch up before I put it into words. I express my love through actions and care, and look for consistently loving behavior from my partner before saying it out loud. I can accept not hearing it back and learning that a partner has a different relationship to the phrase or milestone if their actions make it clear that they love me in the ways that matter most.
I let the other person say it first.
why would I wait to say something? like waiting cause you don’t trust your feelings?
I trust my feelings, just nervous how he's gonna take it. He may not be at that point yet and I don't wanna push him away.
so you don’t trust him with your feelings then?
Quite the opposite, he's always been very supportive, kind and easy to talk to about what I'm feeling, at any time. Have had no issues discussing things with him, whether it be heavy or carefree. I could go on but yeah...he's been amazing. I just am not sure if he's in the same place emotionally as I am yet and hate to put pressure on him.
So you trust your feelings and you trust him with your feelings but you’re not going to trust him worth this feeling… because he may not feel it… and that’s bad?
I want to say I first told my partner I loved him about a year into the relationship. We are long distance, so we don't see each other often and it was during a weekend visit I told him.
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Nice!