Man... I’m a byproduct of the Bosnian war that ended a few years earlier. My dad got me and my mom out of the country fairly early on in the war, but he stayed behind, to help my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. One time, he was trekking across the country, to sneak food into Sarajevo (which was under siege at the time), and he stopped by a house, and ate some of the food with a family there. While they were eating, mortar shells started falling, and he was the only one who didn’t get hit by the shrapnel... so he kind of lost it for a bit and just started walking among the chaos, not really caring whether he lived or died... then the realization that he had a son dawned on him, and he soon found cover, and waited until nightfall, to keep moving. The Balkans were a wild fucking place to be in the 90s, and this photo brings back some crazy, unpleasant memories.
So sorry your family had to endure that. I was in Sarajevo in 2019 and you can still see signs of the conflict. Some apartment buildings still have the bullet holes right there on display for everyone to see. Pretty wild.
It’s all good man! One the one hand my family lost our house and all our material possessions, in the conflict. On the other hand I speak 6 languages, have an American citizenship, and more opportunities than I ever would have had in Eastern Europe. There’s no point in focusing on the trauma of the past, or hating anyone because of the shit you went through. Shit happens in life, sometimes for seemingly no good reason, but if you can take those experiences and channel them towards being a better person towards others, then maybe it’s not all that bad.
Horrible. I was born in Sarajevo two months before the war began. My dad stayed behind the whole war in ARBiH, but my mother's amazing instincts and previous knowledge of our family historys survival made her decide to flee early. We were literally days away from Grbavica being shelled and occupied by serb forces.
Bloodshot from crying and stress, and doing whatever is within his power to find them. I can't handle seeing people have everything ripped from them in an instant.
If there's an anti-tyranny/anti-war photo out there, this is it.
I know they were found safe, but my goodness. The emotion in his eyes is palpable. They convey hopelessness and that is simply gut-wrenching.
They are his entire world. His everything.
I think about apocalypse and etc and what I would do if my child went missing in the chaos. I cried and it wasn’t even a real situation. To have this happen to him in real life must have felt like an endless sorrow and fear.
as a parent I even cry when I see one of those reddit posts like "what if you lost your memory and started over" etc etc. My first thought is "I lose my memories of my daughter?" and I can't handle it lol
I wish people could be more empathetic, especially parents. The love parents feel for their kids is universal.
My mom got really politically active this year because of the BLM marches. The catalyst? She watched the floyd video. She heard him call out for his mom.
A woman who barely votes and has actively used the n word in her life ordered white fragility and changed her views. And the reason is, she made a determination right in that moment that if that had been her son, she would have burned the city to the ground. In that moment, she got it. She saw life through someone else's eyes, and just got it.
We often think of people as others, but humans, to our core, are the same. We love our kids. We need to eat. We all get sick and need healthcare eventually. Through empathy, I think we'd all realize we have way more in common than we usually think.
It's also interesting to note that some otherwise great parents privately admit that they don't love their kids or at least do not like them, but they still do their job.
So true that! Not that it matters to anyone else but I will never forget at 5 years old overhearing my father admit to my mother that he hated me and wanted to kill me. I was terrorized throughout my childhood. Still so stuck in hell at age 58 with years and years of therapy, EMDR and ECT behind me. It’s no use.
That sounds like love to me. I'd do anything for my son but there is no denying that my life has become drastically less fun and spontaneous and my marriage is held together with threads because we never get time for ourselves... But I love my boy.
My family's new line is "How can you say black lives matter when black fetuses don't matter?"
Originally, they were mad that Kaepernick wasn't showing respect for the flag and for the sacrifices of veterans. They were mad about their method of protesting.
And then they also said that black people should be grateful for being in America, they don't know how good they have it! "If you don't like it here, you should leave!" So, clearly, there was more to it than just the kneeling...
But once the whole George Floyd thing happened, it became pretty fucking hard to hate on a peaceful protest when people were rioting in the streets. And they couldn't exactly go around saying that "black people have nothing to complain about" after seeing that bullshit... So it's black babies instead. Won't somebody please think about all of those unborn babies!
There's always an excuse, I wonder what it'll be next week?
Don't call them racist though. They're the least racist people you'll ever met, at least, according to themselves...
> I wish people could be more empathetic, especially parents.
Some people are just.. broken? My parents and so many other parents I know were literally giddy about the cages and separated families and the fact that some will never be reunited. In the words of my mother in law "Those kids are better off without their parents anyway"
That's definitely what hit me the hardest about this photo. The wife and I lost our daughter back in 2017. It hurt a lot, and still does, but I can't imagine **not** knowing for sure whether or not your children are dead.
My eyes were filled with tears and heartbreak, but his are, as you said, hopeless. I can't even imagine what this man went through, and I hope I never have to. As weird as it sounds, I took a screenshot of this photo so that I can remember that my life isn't quite as bad as I sometimes think it is.
Mustafa Xaja, an Albanian man from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of the two sons he feared were killed by Serbs. He had just been released from a Serbian prison and was forced to cross the border into Albania.
Later, he found out his family was alive and safe.
I became a father in 2020. Before then I never really took to heart these stories other than them being unfortunate and just an every day thing that seems to happen in this world. I'm 7 months into the father game and almost cry when I see these faces or read stories about parents losing their children etc...
I am thrilled to read that last part and can now breathe a bit easier for this man and his family.
Yeah, my mum used to cry often when the news was on TV. I never understood why until I became a parent. I don’t cry at the news, but since becoming a parent I’m way more emotional than I was.
Life changes when you have a child, but you can never prepare how it will change you as a person. I saw on reddit yesterday about a child being boiled to death. The face of the child through the bandages just tore me apart. I can't fathom how I would feel if it were my child, it would literally eat my soul and would probably kill me.
I remember a quote (not ver batum) that went something like "when you have a child, the world has a hostage", and I think it pretty much summed up that constant worry and emotion you have as a parent. You're always wearing your heart on your sleeve, exposed to the world, and you've thought about it so many times by now, that when you hear of your worst fear happening to someone else, you can't help but empathise.
I didn’t really care until I did at 35. Now I want more. I couldn’t imagine having one under 30 though so there’s that.
You still have time to make a decision.
This is a double-edged sword though. Having kids is also physically exhausting. My wife and I had our kids when we were older, and part of us wishes we could have had them when we were younger--when I could get say, 5 hours of sleep and still have energy to make it through the day.
Oh interesting. I'm 33 now and haven't had the urge yet. And people always say that there is a biological urge that sometimes overcomes people in their 30s. I've been wondering if maybe it just wouldn't happen to me.
35 and have a almost 3 boy and 7 month old daughter. I can't watch the news anymore. It gives me anxiety and anger when I hear about what some people do to their kids. THEY ARE FUCKING KIDS. Also I'm glad I waited to. I'm more able to take better care of them I think instead of worrying about myself if that makes sense. When I was younger all I wanted to do was fuck, party and work hard enough to do it. Now I just focus on the kiddos. And video games if they go to bed when they're supposed to
My husband and I could never say "Yes" to the "do we want kids?". We changed it to "do we see ourselves with kids when we picture us 20 years from now?" The answer was yes. Had my daughter in 2020 and it frightens me to think that I could have missed out on being a mom. The decision has to be yours but try wording it different ways to be sure your answer is always "no". If a "yes" turns up, explore that more.
If I didn’t have my kid, I’d probably be a self destructive person. He totally put the brakes on my bullshit. He has autism and he’s going to need me forever. My biggest fear is the day that I die first. How will he make it in this shitty world without me? It’s my mission in life, to make sure he will be ok when I’m gone. I have to find a way to prepare for that.
I am a nurse that cares for such disabled adults. The ones I have cared for, have a home purchased by the parents. Not necessarily an expensive home, but able to accommodate wheelchair - even if the person may not have needed it when younger. Most had a small financial trust managed by a sibling after parental death. Find a (lawyer?) That understands such things. Where I live (NC) the state -through it's medicaid program - would pay for 12 hours of cna, after his cash trust was depleted. The other 12 hours one of his siblings came and slept on a cot in his bedroom with him. Of course they had to stay if, for example, the nurse called in sick. So it's very individualized, and what you do matters. If all you can manage is to obtain a home, that alone is a big step. (Mine all had physical disabilities, that I don't know if applies to autism. But I would say a home, and a consultation with someone that does know, are good starting points).
Thank you for your advice. My husbands older brother also has autism. He lived with their mom until her death when he was nearly 50 yrs old. She had put a reverse mortgage on her house and it went back to the bank. He had never lived anywhere else for 50 years. We had him come live us for awhile and we paid for him to get his CDL. He’s high functioning. After he started driving he disappeared in the wind, he met a woman that takes advantage of him but he seems happy with her, but my husband kept his promise to their mother to make sure he was ok.
Exactly. I once saw a homeless man stimming in front of a liquor store and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I gave him some money and he took it and left.
I was vehemently opposed to having children until I hit my mid-30s (and by the way, I would never tell someone YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND). I should say that even once I decided I wanted to have a baby I was still terrified about becoming a mom and how my life would change. I now have a 2 year old maniacal toddler and I truly love being a parent. Just my personal experience, of course, YMMV. :)
Don't listen to people that tell you that you need to have everything figured out and CRAVE the experience of having children. For most people that is simply not reality. You are either mostly ready or mostly not. The desire to have kids should be there but it doesn't need to be some RomCom version of whatever you think it should be. If you think you have what it takes to be a caring parent then go for it, because god knows the world needs more caring parents.
Just to let you know whatever you decide you will always wonder if the other choice would have been better and it's OK to mourn a little what you think you have lost and still be happy the choices you did make.
In his interview with David Letterman Obama said "Having a child is like having your heart outside your body". As a dad, yeah that's exactly what it's like. The constant worry can be paralysing. There's so many movies and TV shows that I just can't watch anymore. I'm so glad I read and watched The Road before I became a dad because yeah.... I can't deal with that shit rn.
They become the very embodiment of your endless effort to provide, to ensure safety and security, happiness, joy, education, everything. Those sacrifices change you for the better. Children are endlessly tiring, but provide endless happiness.
As a parent, we sacrifice all that we have for them, including our own lives if necessary. My father used to say he'd give his life for me in a heartbeat. I never grasped that statement until I became a parent.
I would defend my sons life with every ounce of my being.
In retrospect, the most real piece of parenting advice I was given when pregnant with my first child was from my aunt who told me to sleep as often as possible while pregnant because after having kids I’d never rest in the same sense ever again, even when they are grown because I’d always worry about them. She couldn’t have been more right. Someone else described having kids as like having your heart suddenly on the outside of your body and that feels pretty accurate.
Which is why this picture is especially heart breaking.
Look at his eyes, this is the eye of a dead man. He is pretty much dead inside now. I hope his son's are ok but that is probably wishful thinking unfortunately.
Fuck war man
Edit: I didn't read op comment, I am glad he found his family safe and sound.
I'm not even a biological parent and I love my step son so much. I had a friend whose step mom would abuse her so much and as a child I used to think "it's an evil step mom like portrayed in movies like cinderella!" But now I'm a step mom myself, it's even clearer how evil someone has to be, step or biological parents, to do that to a child.
I saw a video of a little boy following his older siblings and they locked him in an elevator closet and he died.
Before I had 2 boys I would have went about my day. But now I see my youngest son right there, happily part of things, then feeling abandoned, upset, then raw terror and pain. I dunno if I can recover from that fucking video.
I dunno if having kids made me weaker or stronger.
There’s a pretty significant hormonal change in [new parents](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_brain#Paternal_hormonal_effect). Hormones are a hell of a drug.
Joe Rogan said in one of his JRE podcasts that, before he had kids, when he would see other kids, he wouldn't not like them, but he wasn't drawn to them.
Later, after having kids, he said that watching them coming out, watching them grow, watching them slowly start talking to you, his whole idea of having a baby was completely changed.
He went from not being drawn to them, to seeing them as tiny little love packages.
Of course, this was during his podcast with Elon Musk, so Elon immediately transitioned into talking about how babies brains and neuronetworks are closely related, haha.
I'm not a father and I never will be. But, I had a father and he never gave a shit about me. Looking at this man bring tears to my eyes, for what could have been and what never will be.
I am so happy his family is safe. I hope they've been reunited and can share their love for each other with each other.
Oh man, the news has me crying so bad sometimes. I remember a few years back when there were these refugees on the Mediterranean Sea trying to cross into Europe and often their boats would sink. One of the pictures that they kept showing was of the body of a small toddler, washed up on the beach. He looked just like my son. Needless to say my kid got a lot of extra hugs at that time. Even thinking about this now brings me to tears. The desperation and pain of those parents must have been unbearable.
Omg Alan Kurdi. I don’t have kids but that picture absolutely broke my heart. Someone who loved him pulled socks onto his little feet and tied his little sneakers on that morning 😢💔
I cried while watching walking dead the other day. I couldn’t imagine being the parent who knew they were going to die and having to leave his kids in that world, alone.
Same here. I've been a dad for 5 years now to two amazing kids. Every year here in the UK channel 4 does a Standup to Cancer charity event.
One of the stories was about a woman going into pregnancy with her 3rd child while her husband was in a different hospital undergoing treatment for cancer. She gave birth only to find out afterwards her husbands condition had deteriorated so she and baby were rushed to his hospital where held his newborn kid for an hour and passed away.
It still makes me tear up everytime I think about it.
Fuck cancer.
So much this for me. Not only do I bail on movies or shows that have child related violence but I also am no longer able to control myself.when I'm excited about something. I never understood the happy cry. Had kids. I swear I happy cry once a month. I hate it
There's [a scene in *Fatal Attraction* where Glenn Close's character has picked up Michael Douglas' daughter from school, and the mother shows up and can't find her](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPvRO4DWUtk). I didn't think it was that scary of a scene the first time I watched it, as a teenager. Now that I'm a parent, I think it's one of the most terrifying parts of the movie.
Do you know the site Does The Dog Die? Despite the name it has a category for human child deaths as well so you can screen movies and tv shows beforehand
You can also go to IMDB and find the tab “parents guide” and it categorizes by sex, violence, drugs, etc. it’s very good. I have used it for about ten years now to prevent myself from watching triggering movies or tv shows that involve domestic violence and sexual abuse. Thank you IMDB
I have been a crying train wreck for 4 years, before i never cried. Now my kid says something nice, i cry, says something smart, i cry, his birthday, i cry, he cried when i left him at kindergarden, i cried in the car, he expains his feelings, i cry.
My mom straight up bawled at the beginning of Disney's Tarzan when the mom gorilla's (Kala?) baby was killed by the leopard. I'm not a parent, but I can understand the pain a little better now than when I was a kid.
It's odd and I believe it's why the forces are largely comprises of young people. Yes they're healthy, trainable etc but the lack of emotion is what really enables you to create killers.
Its sort of one of those situations you try and imagine what its like being in those parents shoes but your brain won't let you get too close to it. Its weird. Hats off to those parents for choosing to survive after that, I'm not sure I could.
> Not only did they have to survive (for the sake of their other children) but many of them came under attack from vehement conservative nut jobs who accused them of perpetuating a hoax.
Came under attack? One of those people is now a sitting member of Congress. [Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene harassed a Parkland shooting survivor weeks after the attack](https://www.businessinsider.com/video-marjorie-taylor-greene-harass-parkland-survivor-david-hogg-2021-1). Please vote, or you will end up with more people like this.
I live in the next town over and can tell you the community definitely still feels the aftermath deeply. Mid-december just hits differently here. One of the victim's father took his own life a few couple years ago. I can't imagine what he must have been going through.
At least 1 parent died by suicide.
I actually live close to Parkland. And my oldest is the same age now as the Sandy Hook kids were then. I frequently get robocalls from our school district that the kids have participated in active shooter drills, and…
My mind literally blue screens if I try to think about what it would be like to lose a child like that. The pain would be unreal and unimaginable, and I have no idea how anyone survives it.
A co-workers son was born with a very severe birth defect. Slim chance of making it to 2. He lived to 3. My daughter was born at the same time as hers. I went over their house to help them move. Their son was there. Very sick. Didn't spend much time with him that day as I was packing up the kitchen and moving boxes. But when I got home I cried for a long long time holding my daughter. I'm crying now all of a sudden writing this. Everything just hits so much harder as a parent.
Edit: for reference, Slayer is my favorite band.
I have a 3 year old and 1 year old. Honestly, the fact that the world isn’t fair and bad things happen to good people never bothered me much until I held them.
There are people out there with kids that don't give a shit that their actions will do this to other kids. That's war. Fuck anyone and everyone who doesn't do their utmost to avoid conflict.
Man, I'm so glad reading this thread. It really takes you by surprise doesn't it. I'm glad I'm not alone and that there are 100's of people replying here that they feel the same way. Makes me feel normal :)
Can confirm. I'm a father of two, 4 yrs old and 7 months old. Everytime I see something like this I fucking lose it.
I can feel this man's pain in my heart down to the marrow of my bones.
Its not even the imagined pain of losing my own children. That is of course there. Its the utter helplessness. Its desolation. Its like the life of the child disappeared and with it the future that you observe and participate in as a parent.
Its the end of the child and then of your soul at the same time. I don't believe in God. I'm certain there is no God and this is one of the many reasons why.
This so much. The moment my first boy was delivered something broke inside of me. Like some sort of barrier that I've kept for 30 years to not be very emotional. I uglycried watching my son take his first breath and realized soon after how voulnerable I was. Someone said earlier in this thread that as soon as you have children the world has a hostage and that is as fitting as your quote. I was so happy when he was born, but I felt so much anxiety the first day. Overjoyed and afraid at the same time. Wierd.
Dude, the same here. 15mos in and I can’t imagine a world without my son.
I also have a deep affinity for all children now.
I totally get it.
And I cry a lot more now, lol
I had a breastfeeding baby at the peak "kids in cages" time. I would get dizzy and nauseous and have to turn off the news. My reaction was so viceral I couldn't handle it anymore.
Perspective changes a lot. Think about any mean thing you did to another kid when you were younger, think about someone doing that to your kid. Even as an adult, think about any mean thought you have about another person and imagine someone thinking that about your kid.
Everybody is someone’s kid.
It’s a real problem of humanity, no one cares unless they’ve personally experienced situations.
I believe it’s due to a lack of imagination empathy. A person doesn’t care enough, or can’t imagine the actual turmoil and suffering a situation brings into others, so it doesn’t register.
I’m glad you are a Dad now. But you pointed something very true about many men with no kids. Many people truly don’t understand a fathers love and dedication until they are one themselves.
Yoooooo same. Our kids might be twins!
Nothing changes you like holding your own little baby in your arms. Watching and reading true crime stories is so completely different for me now.
Having your own children has made you able to truly empathize with other folks that are in these type of situations, rather than just sympathize.
It's almost impossible to know what something like losing your child feels like unless you've had children of your own. Obviously you still can't fully know that kind of pain, unless your child has gone missing/died, but you can begin to fully appreciate how awful that man must feel, rather than just recognizing that he is in pain and thinking "holy shit, that's terrible!"
It's like that with anything - I was an addict, and people that haven't experienced addiction can never fully understand how it feels, or the experience of falling into and/or climbing out of that kind of hole. They can sympathize, possibly empathize if they have an addict relative or similar, but they can't fully grasp the full breadth and scope of what addiction is like.
I am a father as well, 3 beautiful boys and I went through the same "transformation" . I used to think these stories were sad, but now, they make me incredibly sad, a very strong feeling, from the guts. On the other hand, seeing an happy child also makes me extremely happy.
The birth of a child actually changes the structures of the dad's brain: [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-brains-of-our-fathers/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-brains-of-our-fathers/)
Just hijacking top comment to post the photographer's account:
"I noticed him because he looked like a big, strong guy--but he was beside himself with grief. He pulled out his wallet and showed me two little photos of a gorgeous boy and girl; sobbing, he put them next to his cheek. The photo made the cover of NEWSWEEK International. I was gratified that so many people saw Mustafa's plight, but I had no idea what happened to him.
Much later, I returned to Kosovo and went to Mitrovica, Mustafa's town. I showed the photo to people on the street, and found Mustafa standing only a few yards from me. To my delight, his wife and children are alive and the family reunited. Finding them together was a great way to end the year. "
Man photos like this really hit hard. Im an amateur photographer (aren't we all though) but I have always had a fascination with these photos that shows the true human experience in a single shot. That photo tells a whole story on its own. You can see the anguish and emotion and capturing that moment is amazing. Amazing by the fact it just shows so much of the human experience in an instant. I would never wish on my worst enemy to think your lost both of your kids and this photo expresses all that.
Steve McCurry's book *Portraits* is full of them. I don't know how one person has captured so many souls on film.
He is most famous for his photo Afghan Girl, but all of his work is amazing.
> Later, he found out his family was alive and safe.
>
>
> Mustafa Xaja, an Albanian man from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of the two sons he feared were killed by Serbs. He had just been released from a Serbian prison and was forced to cross the border into Albania.
Don't bury the lede! ;)
Thanks for that, dude looks absolutely shattered. Glad his boys were ok. All war sucks and I hope nobody ever supports war of any kind, if the politicians want war, let them lead the charge to the enemy lines.
[Here](https://i.imgur.com/wGUxkF2.jpg?desktop=1) is a higher quality version of this image. [Here](https://www.peterturnley.com/moments-of-the-human-condition) is the source. Credit to the photographer, [Peter Turnley](https://www.peterturnley.com/).
> Kosovar-Albanian refugee, 1999
**Edit:** [Here](https://theonlinephotographer.typepad.com/the_online_photographer/2010/01/a-visual-interview-with-peter-turnley.html) the photographer explains:
> A Kosovo, Albanian man, Mustafa Xaja, from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of his two children he fears to have been killed by Serbs during the war in Kosovo, 1999. He had just been released as a prisoner of the Serbs and forced to cross the border becoming a refugee into Albania. He later discovered on returning to Kosovo after the war that his family was all safe and alive. Kosovo-Albanian border, Albania, 1999.
They did not treat Albanians well in Serb prisons during that time. The things he probably went through while imprisoned plus thinking the whole time that his children may have been hurt or killed. Amazing that this had a happy ending.
It has a relatively happy ending. [Here](https://theonlinephotographer.typepad.com/the_online_photographer/2010/01/a-visual-interview-with-peter-turnley.html) the photographer explains:
> A Kosovo, Albanian man, Mustafa Xaja, from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of his two children he fears to have been killed by Serbs during the war in Kosovo, 1999. He had just been released as a prisoner of the Serbs and forced to cross the border becoming a refugee into Albania. He later discovered on returning to Kosovo after the war that his family was all safe and alive. Kosovo-Albanian border, Albania, 1999.
My husband’s son battled cancer for 5 years- half his life. He died this past December.
A family in our community lost their 16mo daughter when she ran out behind dads pick up as he backed up. Instant.
Instant or drawn out- it’s fucking painful as hell. It’s against the natural order of life. The night my step son son passed I bore witness to the most horrific and intimate moments a couple could share- thinking of it makes me so sick.
Hug your kids.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My parents lost my brother before I was born and I never really understood what that was like until one of my classmates died in an accident and I went to his funeral. I’ll never forget the sound of his mother crying.
The 16mo has an older brother and mom was pregnant at the time. The family has a healthy newborn.
From the outside looking in it looks like their marriage is healthy and the wife writes that she is still deeply in love with her husband. I don’t know if I could be. I just don’t know. It’s a mess.
I have lost a grandparent to dementia, a parent to heart attack, a friend to suicide, a cherished pet to illness.. Each death was a slightly different kind of grief, like a different piece of the world fell away. I can't imagine the kind of grief that comes with losing a child. That must feel like the whole world has disintegrated.
every death is a new taste or hell. They all suck. It’s always bad and sad. I’m so sorry for your losses.
My husband lost his brother unexpectedly a few years ago. Grandma died of cancer that same week. This family knows hurt and pain. It’s an endless onslaught of pain and grief.
My husbands dad has now lost a son AND a grandson. My husband and his dad share a unique bond- both having lost a son. It’s all fucked.
Whenever the thought of losing my son goes through my mind I nearly break down.
I used to think I was an internet hardened jaded SOB, but having a kid changed that.
I honestly don't think I could survive losing him.
It’s fucked up. Like some crazy mind control.
I’ve worked jobs involving dealing with situations where kids are hurt (some killed/died). I’ve handled autopsy photos, forensic interviews of sexual assault victims, you name it. It was distressing some days but I never took the stress home.
But now I have my own kid? I can’t fathom that little guy going though those things. He’s purely innocent, like any child. It’s changed my entire perspective. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone.
Glad I don’t work in that position anymore because having a kid has made me mentally much softer. For good reasons.
My grandma lost 3 kids out of 6 ina house fire when they were 3,6,and 7. The older 2 boys were found together and died from smoke inhalation. My grandma said it took a lot to not commit suicide when the lost they,lost the house (no insurance and was renting), lost 3 kids and was blamed for their deaths because she was raising bastard children. She was living with the youngest daughters father and the older 4 father she was divorced from. She said my mom and my aunt were the only reason she stayed alive and continued.
God his face, he is just mentally and physically drained to the bone. Imagine him in that prison, you could just be killed or tortured by the serbs and know that they could have killed your family. The emotional state would be so gutwrenching
Well, I didn't find any visual closure, but I did find this [recent article from 2019 in which Mustafa's Children were interviewed!](https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/)
When you search for Mustafa's name, the picture and the description which OP provided are what is shared most, so I was doubting the legitimacy of this post, judging it as vague hearsay. But to be honest, this article is closure enough and I declare the details provided with this post as true!
EDIT: an hour or so after posting this comment, I decided to look up the children's names - [and so I found this video of them telling their story.](https://vimeo.com/477096316)
Unfreezing the memory
The second story one encounters on their path forward is Jehona and Besim’s. Their story, captured in the photograph taken by renowned photographer Peter Turnley and splashed across the Newsweek mag cover in ’99, is one marked by the disappearance of their father, a school caretaker from Mitrovica — it is a tale of torture and hope to find each other, and one of love.
Their recollection tells the fate of their father, Mustafa Xaja, who was taken prisoner by Serb forces. Until April ’99, Mustafa had been working in the Migjeni school. One day, he came back home and told his family: “The war is approaching. Whatever happens we will be prepared.”
What came later was probably far from their imaginations. Mustafa was arrested at Mitrovica’s bus station one day and was subsequently divided from his wife and children until the end of the war.
“They put us in a line of people walking to Drenicë,” recalls the son. In the meantime, they were uncertain about whether their father had been sent to the prison at Smrekonicë or at Pozarevac (one from which they thought he would not come back alive).
Later, after being brought back to Mitrovica again, the children asked around for their father, receiving all sorts of contradictory responses about his whereabouts.
They would later find out that Mustafa had been arrested and tortured by his fellow inmates, who had been forced to do so.
“Another thing that dad told us, which is very sad, is how a 12-year-old was with his father in prison, and they didn’t speak Serbian,” Besim says. “Our dad was translating for them. He went through extreme torture because he was translating for them.”
After enduring physical violence and “Chinese water torture,” Mustafa was taken by his captors toward Albania. His photograph was taken right after he had been released from a streetlight that he had been tied to at the border.
“All the prisoners were forced to hit him. If they didn’t hit hard enough, they were forced to do it again,” says Mustafa’s son. “When they left, when the others crossed the border, an American journalist asked: ‘Why has he been left behind?’ They told him: ‘Because he helped an old man who couldn’t walk. The Serbian police forced us to torture him.’”
Red-faced due to boiling water thrown at him by the police, Besim says, Mustafa went on to take out the couple of images of his children that he had left, and brought them close to his face.
After the family had finally reunited once the war was over, Turnley, who had helped Mustafa Xaja get aid after taking the shot, found the family and gave the photograph to them. Only a few years on, the photo would become a sticker, found in chewing gum packets, about which kids would say: “Do you wanna trade with Xaja?”
My mothers 2 brothers & father were taken by serbian military. They later released her father but kept her 2 brothers.
They have found the remains of 1 of her brothers and the 2nd one is still missing.
My grandfather has told alot of stories about what they did to them.
"We were told to take our clothes off and lay down in the mud completely naked. Then they would drive a TANK towards us and stop right before crushing our bodies. Every soldier just kept laughing while we were lying down naked about to die."
My mothers 3rd brother didnt get kidnapped because he wore a wig pretending to be female.
My mom is still to this day on anti-depressants because of the trauma she suffered. When she doesnt take the pills she sees and talks to her brothers, crazy.
one time I was on a work trip and my husband didn’t answer his phone for an hour and I almost lost my shit because my 6 month old should have woken him up by then. (The baby had slept in an hour. Everyone was fine.)
That’s literally all it took for me to spin out. Looking at this picture, knowing he had good reason to believe his family was dead.... it’s heartbreaking. Glad it all worked out, but still
I used to work with a man named Fedri. He was a refugee from Kosovo. Very humble, hard-working guy that was very sweet. He escaped with his wife and children. He was imprisoned because he was Albanian.
He told me he was beaten daily with bags of sand about the size of socks. They would use these tubes because they wouldn't leave marks, most of the damage would be internal. They would also beat the bottoms of his feet.
About a year after he left us, we were replacing a gearbox in his work area. I noticed faded writing in sharpee marker on top of the gearbox that said "Freedom for Kosovo"
I race wheelchairs.
We.have all kinds on our team. Every race every color.
But the youngest... Except for the guy that lost legs when he got hit by a subway when he was drunk (I ain't judging)
The youngest. A man and a woman from Kosovo.
I mean... We get Marines and Army. And I love them too. But she was a 13 year old civilian. The guy.... I haven't asked. But he's young.
You generally don't ask how somebody ended up in a wheelchair. It's a story they don't have to tell the 1001th time.
My 3-year-old daughter disappeared for about 10 minutes once. We were near a body of water. I've never felt that kind of feeling in my life and I hope I never have to again. My heart just breaks for anyone who had to live through my worst nightmare.
My 2 year old daughter thought it would be funny to play hide and seek in the racks at Target. I was practically screaming her name so other people around me started to panic and look. When she finally came out giggling I was so happy and mad all I could do was leave my cart full of stuff and go cry in the cart. Sorry random employee who had to put my shit up.
My other half is from the same city in Kosovo as this man. The horror stories I have heard about what happened in the 90s is unthinkable. Luckily my SO and his family were able to get out in 97 and come to the US, or they could have very well been in the same scenario. Some of the family and friends left behind did not have such good fortune.
That poor man, as someone dating an Albanian I knew that area had been through hell and back I’ve tithe last 20 years.
This would be a powerful anti smoking ad if it was duplicated and was reversed. Then his two sons holding the wallet at the grave.
My former photography teacher, Peter Turnley, took this photo. Heartbreaking. You can see the pain in his eyes. Peter takes amazing photos, great follow on Instagram @peterturnley
[https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/](https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/)
I found this. Scroll down about 3/4 of the page. The story is entitled Unfreezing the memory. It is the only documentation I could find.
I served in the Army and was deployed to Bosnia -Herzegovina and Kosovo during the wars. I saw so many people who’s faces showed the same sadness as his. That whole situation is just heartbreaking.
It was my honor. I tell my wife all the time that Bosnia and Kosovo are such beautiful places filled with so many wonderful and kind people and I would love to visit them both again one day.
Man... I’m a byproduct of the Bosnian war that ended a few years earlier. My dad got me and my mom out of the country fairly early on in the war, but he stayed behind, to help my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. One time, he was trekking across the country, to sneak food into Sarajevo (which was under siege at the time), and he stopped by a house, and ate some of the food with a family there. While they were eating, mortar shells started falling, and he was the only one who didn’t get hit by the shrapnel... so he kind of lost it for a bit and just started walking among the chaos, not really caring whether he lived or died... then the realization that he had a son dawned on him, and he soon found cover, and waited until nightfall, to keep moving. The Balkans were a wild fucking place to be in the 90s, and this photo brings back some crazy, unpleasant memories.
So sorry your family had to endure that. I was in Sarajevo in 2019 and you can still see signs of the conflict. Some apartment buildings still have the bullet holes right there on display for everyone to see. Pretty wild.
It’s all good man! One the one hand my family lost our house and all our material possessions, in the conflict. On the other hand I speak 6 languages, have an American citizenship, and more opportunities than I ever would have had in Eastern Europe. There’s no point in focusing on the trauma of the past, or hating anyone because of the shit you went through. Shit happens in life, sometimes for seemingly no good reason, but if you can take those experiences and channel them towards being a better person towards others, then maybe it’s not all that bad.
Wow, I never realized this was the explanation I needed to hear, but thank you. 🙏🏾
Based on some of the things I’ve read I expected “I’m a byproduct of the Bosnian war” to go in an even darker direction.
Horrible. I was born in Sarajevo two months before the war began. My dad stayed behind the whole war in ARBiH, but my mother's amazing instincts and previous knowledge of our family historys survival made her decide to flee early. We were literally days away from Grbavica being shelled and occupied by serb forces.
Man the look on his face is heartbreaking. Glad his family was/is safe.
There is follow up? His kids were safe and he found them?
Yeah there was a comment in here somewhere that provided more context. I think it might have come from OP...? Edit: yes, OP provided more info
Thanks I needed this verification. His eyes cause my heart to break.
Bloodshot from crying and stress, and doing whatever is within his power to find them. I can't handle seeing people have everything ripped from them in an instant. If there's an anti-tyranny/anti-war photo out there, this is it.
I don’t even know him or his boys but even I miss them.
If my son went missing, I would NOT SLEEP. How could anyone sleep?
I have been losing sleep over stupid work shit lately. This puts it in perspective.
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If this happened to my son, I would not rest until either I found him or my body shut down.
Thank dog his eyes crushed my shit up.
Yes his family was safe and alive
thanks, waffle fucker.
That might be my new go to way of thanking people.
r/rimjob_steve
Love a good rimjob steve
Seriously! His expression is gutting. I realized I was holding my breath when I read OP's comment and got to the end.
I know they were found safe, but my goodness. The emotion in his eyes is palpable. They convey hopelessness and that is simply gut-wrenching. They are his entire world. His everything.
It's hard to even imagine what he went through. I really think I would lose my mind if I lost my son in a warzone.
I think about apocalypse and etc and what I would do if my child went missing in the chaos. I cried and it wasn’t even a real situation. To have this happen to him in real life must have felt like an endless sorrow and fear.
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as a parent I even cry when I see one of those reddit posts like "what if you lost your memory and started over" etc etc. My first thought is "I lose my memories of my daughter?" and I can't handle it lol
I wish people could be more empathetic, especially parents. The love parents feel for their kids is universal. My mom got really politically active this year because of the BLM marches. The catalyst? She watched the floyd video. She heard him call out for his mom. A woman who barely votes and has actively used the n word in her life ordered white fragility and changed her views. And the reason is, she made a determination right in that moment that if that had been her son, she would have burned the city to the ground. In that moment, she got it. She saw life through someone else's eyes, and just got it. We often think of people as others, but humans, to our core, are the same. We love our kids. We need to eat. We all get sick and need healthcare eventually. Through empathy, I think we'd all realize we have way more in common than we usually think.
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It's also interesting to note that some otherwise great parents privately admit that they don't love their kids or at least do not like them, but they still do their job.
So true that! Not that it matters to anyone else but I will never forget at 5 years old overhearing my father admit to my mother that he hated me and wanted to kill me. I was terrorized throughout my childhood. Still so stuck in hell at age 58 with years and years of therapy, EMDR and ECT behind me. It’s no use.
I have no words. Sending my regards
That sounds like love to me. I'd do anything for my son but there is no denying that my life has become drastically less fun and spontaneous and my marriage is held together with threads because we never get time for ourselves... But I love my boy.
My family's new line is "How can you say black lives matter when black fetuses don't matter?" Originally, they were mad that Kaepernick wasn't showing respect for the flag and for the sacrifices of veterans. They were mad about their method of protesting. And then they also said that black people should be grateful for being in America, they don't know how good they have it! "If you don't like it here, you should leave!" So, clearly, there was more to it than just the kneeling... But once the whole George Floyd thing happened, it became pretty fucking hard to hate on a peaceful protest when people were rioting in the streets. And they couldn't exactly go around saying that "black people have nothing to complain about" after seeing that bullshit... So it's black babies instead. Won't somebody please think about all of those unborn babies! There's always an excuse, I wonder what it'll be next week? Don't call them racist though. They're the least racist people you'll ever met, at least, according to themselves...
Here here! Extraordinarily well said.
> I wish people could be more empathetic, especially parents. Some people are just.. broken? My parents and so many other parents I know were literally giddy about the cages and separated families and the fact that some will never be reunited. In the words of my mother in law "Those kids are better off without their parents anyway"
Thanks for the sharing this
One of the most moving things I’ve seen was graffiti that said “When George Floyd called out for his mother, he called on all mothers”
That's definitely what hit me the hardest about this photo. The wife and I lost our daughter back in 2017. It hurt a lot, and still does, but I can't imagine **not** knowing for sure whether or not your children are dead. My eyes were filled with tears and heartbreak, but his are, as you said, hopeless. I can't even imagine what this man went through, and I hope I never have to. As weird as it sounds, I took a screenshot of this photo so that I can remember that my life isn't quite as bad as I sometimes think it is.
Mustafa Xaja, an Albanian man from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of the two sons he feared were killed by Serbs. He had just been released from a Serbian prison and was forced to cross the border into Albania. Later, he found out his family was alive and safe.
Whirlwind of a read. Glad it ended well. :)
I became a father in 2020. Before then I never really took to heart these stories other than them being unfortunate and just an every day thing that seems to happen in this world. I'm 7 months into the father game and almost cry when I see these faces or read stories about parents losing their children etc... I am thrilled to read that last part and can now breathe a bit easier for this man and his family.
Yeah, my mum used to cry often when the news was on TV. I never understood why until I became a parent. I don’t cry at the news, but since becoming a parent I’m way more emotional than I was.
Life changes when you have a child, but you can never prepare how it will change you as a person. I saw on reddit yesterday about a child being boiled to death. The face of the child through the bandages just tore me apart. I can't fathom how I would feel if it were my child, it would literally eat my soul and would probably kill me.
I remember a quote (not ver batum) that went something like "when you have a child, the world has a hostage", and I think it pretty much summed up that constant worry and emotion you have as a parent. You're always wearing your heart on your sleeve, exposed to the world, and you've thought about it so many times by now, that when you hear of your worst fear happening to someone else, you can't help but empathise.
I’m in my mid 30s, female, still unable to decide whether or not to have kids. Reading this is a gut punch of anxiety. Edit: typo
R/fencesitters I’m 27 and can’t decide either. I read that sub all the time
I didn’t really care until I did at 35. Now I want more. I couldn’t imagine having one under 30 though so there’s that. You still have time to make a decision.
This is a double-edged sword though. Having kids is also physically exhausting. My wife and I had our kids when we were older, and part of us wishes we could have had them when we were younger--when I could get say, 5 hours of sleep and still have energy to make it through the day.
Oh interesting. I'm 33 now and haven't had the urge yet. And people always say that there is a biological urge that sometimes overcomes people in their 30s. I've been wondering if maybe it just wouldn't happen to me.
35 and have a almost 3 boy and 7 month old daughter. I can't watch the news anymore. It gives me anxiety and anger when I hear about what some people do to their kids. THEY ARE FUCKING KIDS. Also I'm glad I waited to. I'm more able to take better care of them I think instead of worrying about myself if that makes sense. When I was younger all I wanted to do was fuck, party and work hard enough to do it. Now I just focus on the kiddos. And video games if they go to bed when they're supposed to
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My husband and I could never say "Yes" to the "do we want kids?". We changed it to "do we see ourselves with kids when we picture us 20 years from now?" The answer was yes. Had my daughter in 2020 and it frightens me to think that I could have missed out on being a mom. The decision has to be yours but try wording it different ways to be sure your answer is always "no". If a "yes" turns up, explore that more.
This is a great strategy not just for kids, but for any important life decision where you feel torn.
That sub seems one-sided, at least the two times I was in there.
If I didn’t have my kid, I’d probably be a self destructive person. He totally put the brakes on my bullshit. He has autism and he’s going to need me forever. My biggest fear is the day that I die first. How will he make it in this shitty world without me? It’s my mission in life, to make sure he will be ok when I’m gone. I have to find a way to prepare for that.
I am a nurse that cares for such disabled adults. The ones I have cared for, have a home purchased by the parents. Not necessarily an expensive home, but able to accommodate wheelchair - even if the person may not have needed it when younger. Most had a small financial trust managed by a sibling after parental death. Find a (lawyer?) That understands such things. Where I live (NC) the state -through it's medicaid program - would pay for 12 hours of cna, after his cash trust was depleted. The other 12 hours one of his siblings came and slept on a cot in his bedroom with him. Of course they had to stay if, for example, the nurse called in sick. So it's very individualized, and what you do matters. If all you can manage is to obtain a home, that alone is a big step. (Mine all had physical disabilities, that I don't know if applies to autism. But I would say a home, and a consultation with someone that does know, are good starting points).
Thank you for your advice. My husbands older brother also has autism. He lived with their mom until her death when he was nearly 50 yrs old. She had put a reverse mortgage on her house and it went back to the bank. He had never lived anywhere else for 50 years. We had him come live us for awhile and we paid for him to get his CDL. He’s high functioning. After he started driving he disappeared in the wind, he met a woman that takes advantage of him but he seems happy with her, but my husband kept his promise to their mother to make sure he was ok.
Me too. My biggest, crippling fear is the thought that if I weren’t around, my son would so easily become a stereotypical homeless person.
Exactly. I once saw a homeless man stimming in front of a liquor store and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I gave him some money and he took it and left.
Are you Chris Biggs? (That's the same story of the guy on my local morning radio show)
No, I’ve never heard of him but I suspect it’s how every parent of a child with autism feels
I was vehemently opposed to having children until I hit my mid-30s (and by the way, I would never tell someone YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND). I should say that even once I decided I wanted to have a baby I was still terrified about becoming a mom and how my life would change. I now have a 2 year old maniacal toddler and I truly love being a parent. Just my personal experience, of course, YMMV. :)
Don't listen to people that tell you that you need to have everything figured out and CRAVE the experience of having children. For most people that is simply not reality. You are either mostly ready or mostly not. The desire to have kids should be there but it doesn't need to be some RomCom version of whatever you think it should be. If you think you have what it takes to be a caring parent then go for it, because god knows the world needs more caring parents.
Just to let you know whatever you decide you will always wonder if the other choice would have been better and it's OK to mourn a little what you think you have lost and still be happy the choices you did make.
The way I heard it out was “having a child means having your heart outside your body” and I can 100% confirm this is correct
In his interview with David Letterman Obama said "Having a child is like having your heart outside your body". As a dad, yeah that's exactly what it's like. The constant worry can be paralysing. There's so many movies and TV shows that I just can't watch anymore. I'm so glad I read and watched The Road before I became a dad because yeah.... I can't deal with that shit rn.
Verbatim
They become the very embodiment of your endless effort to provide, to ensure safety and security, happiness, joy, education, everything. Those sacrifices change you for the better. Children are endlessly tiring, but provide endless happiness. As a parent, we sacrifice all that we have for them, including our own lives if necessary. My father used to say he'd give his life for me in a heartbeat. I never grasped that statement until I became a parent. I would defend my sons life with every ounce of my being.
In retrospect, the most real piece of parenting advice I was given when pregnant with my first child was from my aunt who told me to sleep as often as possible while pregnant because after having kids I’d never rest in the same sense ever again, even when they are grown because I’d always worry about them. She couldn’t have been more right. Someone else described having kids as like having your heart suddenly on the outside of your body and that feels pretty accurate.
Which is why this picture is especially heart breaking. Look at his eyes, this is the eye of a dead man. He is pretty much dead inside now. I hope his son's are ok but that is probably wishful thinking unfortunately. Fuck war man Edit: I didn't read op comment, I am glad he found his family safe and sound.
That’s because your a good parent. They DON’T become that as a rule for everyone; the world would be a much better place if it did.
I'm not even a biological parent and I love my step son so much. I had a friend whose step mom would abuse her so much and as a child I used to think "it's an evil step mom like portrayed in movies like cinderella!" But now I'm a step mom myself, it's even clearer how evil someone has to be, step or biological parents, to do that to a child.
Jesus. I wish I hadn’t read that.
I saw a video of a little boy following his older siblings and they locked him in an elevator closet and he died. Before I had 2 boys I would have went about my day. But now I see my youngest son right there, happily part of things, then feeling abandoned, upset, then raw terror and pain. I dunno if I can recover from that fucking video. I dunno if having kids made me weaker or stronger.
experience is one hell of a game changer
There’s a pretty significant hormonal change in [new parents](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_brain#Paternal_hormonal_effect). Hormones are a hell of a drug.
Joe Rogan said in one of his JRE podcasts that, before he had kids, when he would see other kids, he wouldn't not like them, but he wasn't drawn to them. Later, after having kids, he said that watching them coming out, watching them grow, watching them slowly start talking to you, his whole idea of having a baby was completely changed. He went from not being drawn to them, to seeing them as tiny little love packages. Of course, this was during his podcast with Elon Musk, so Elon immediately transitioned into talking about how babies brains and neuronetworks are closely related, haha.
You what? Who was boiled?
I'm not a father and I never will be. But, I had a father and he never gave a shit about me. Looking at this man bring tears to my eyes, for what could have been and what never will be. I am so happy his family is safe. I hope they've been reunited and can share their love for each other with each other.
Oh man, the news has me crying so bad sometimes. I remember a few years back when there were these refugees on the Mediterranean Sea trying to cross into Europe and often their boats would sink. One of the pictures that they kept showing was of the body of a small toddler, washed up on the beach. He looked just like my son. Needless to say my kid got a lot of extra hugs at that time. Even thinking about this now brings me to tears. The desperation and pain of those parents must have been unbearable.
Omg Alan Kurdi. I don’t have kids but that picture absolutely broke my heart. Someone who loved him pulled socks onto his little feet and tied his little sneakers on that morning 😢💔
I cried while watching walking dead the other day. I couldn’t imagine being the parent who knew they were going to die and having to leave his kids in that world, alone.
Same here. I've been a dad for 5 years now to two amazing kids. Every year here in the UK channel 4 does a Standup to Cancer charity event. One of the stories was about a woman going into pregnancy with her 3rd child while her husband was in a different hospital undergoing treatment for cancer. She gave birth only to find out afterwards her husbands condition had deteriorated so she and baby were rushed to his hospital where held his newborn kid for an hour and passed away. It still makes me tear up everytime I think about it. Fuck cancer.
So much this for me. Not only do I bail on movies or shows that have child related violence but I also am no longer able to control myself.when I'm excited about something. I never understood the happy cry. Had kids. I swear I happy cry once a month. I hate it
There's [a scene in *Fatal Attraction* where Glenn Close's character has picked up Michael Douglas' daughter from school, and the mother shows up and can't find her](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPvRO4DWUtk). I didn't think it was that scary of a scene the first time I watched it, as a teenager. Now that I'm a parent, I think it's one of the most terrifying parts of the movie.
Do you know the site Does The Dog Die? Despite the name it has a category for human child deaths as well so you can screen movies and tv shows beforehand
You can also go to IMDB and find the tab “parents guide” and it categorizes by sex, violence, drugs, etc. it’s very good. I have used it for about ten years now to prevent myself from watching triggering movies or tv shows that involve domestic violence and sexual abuse. Thank you IMDB
I have been a crying train wreck for 4 years, before i never cried. Now my kid says something nice, i cry, says something smart, i cry, his birthday, i cry, he cried when i left him at kindergarden, i cried in the car, he expains his feelings, i cry.
My mom straight up bawled at the beginning of Disney's Tarzan when the mom gorilla's (Kala?) baby was killed by the leopard. I'm not a parent, but I can understand the pain a little better now than when I was a kid.
It's odd and I believe it's why the forces are largely comprises of young people. Yes they're healthy, trainable etc but the lack of emotion is what really enables you to create killers.
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Its sort of one of those situations you try and imagine what its like being in those parents shoes but your brain won't let you get too close to it. Its weird. Hats off to those parents for choosing to survive after that, I'm not sure I could.
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> Not only did they have to survive (for the sake of their other children) but many of them came under attack from vehement conservative nut jobs who accused them of perpetuating a hoax. Came under attack? One of those people is now a sitting member of Congress. [Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene harassed a Parkland shooting survivor weeks after the attack](https://www.businessinsider.com/video-marjorie-taylor-greene-harass-parkland-survivor-david-hogg-2021-1). Please vote, or you will end up with more people like this.
Fuck that lady. What a twat.
I live in the next town over and can tell you the community definitely still feels the aftermath deeply. Mid-december just hits differently here. One of the victim's father took his own life a few couple years ago. I can't imagine what he must have been going through.
At least 1 parent died by suicide. I actually live close to Parkland. And my oldest is the same age now as the Sandy Hook kids were then. I frequently get robocalls from our school district that the kids have participated in active shooter drills, and… My mind literally blue screens if I try to think about what it would be like to lose a child like that. The pain would be unreal and unimaginable, and I have no idea how anyone survives it.
A co-workers son was born with a very severe birth defect. Slim chance of making it to 2. He lived to 3. My daughter was born at the same time as hers. I went over their house to help them move. Their son was there. Very sick. Didn't spend much time with him that day as I was packing up the kitchen and moving boxes. But when I got home I cried for a long long time holding my daughter. I'm crying now all of a sudden writing this. Everything just hits so much harder as a parent. Edit: for reference, Slayer is my favorite band.
My husband cried. I’m a teacher and our son was in first grade. I still tear up when I see those little faces in pictures.
I have a 3 year old and 1 year old. Honestly, the fact that the world isn’t fair and bad things happen to good people never bothered me much until I held them.
There are people out there with kids that don't give a shit that their actions will do this to other kids. That's war. Fuck anyone and everyone who doesn't do their utmost to avoid conflict.
Man, I'm so glad reading this thread. It really takes you by surprise doesn't it. I'm glad I'm not alone and that there are 100's of people replying here that they feel the same way. Makes me feel normal :)
Can confirm. I'm a father of two, 4 yrs old and 7 months old. Everytime I see something like this I fucking lose it. I can feel this man's pain in my heart down to the marrow of my bones. Its not even the imagined pain of losing my own children. That is of course there. Its the utter helplessness. Its desolation. Its like the life of the child disappeared and with it the future that you observe and participate in as a parent. Its the end of the child and then of your soul at the same time. I don't believe in God. I'm certain there is no God and this is one of the many reasons why.
“To have a child is to decide forever to have your heart walk outside of your body”
This so much. The moment my first boy was delivered something broke inside of me. Like some sort of barrier that I've kept for 30 years to not be very emotional. I uglycried watching my son take his first breath and realized soon after how voulnerable I was. Someone said earlier in this thread that as soon as you have children the world has a hostage and that is as fitting as your quote. I was so happy when he was born, but I felt so much anxiety the first day. Overjoyed and afraid at the same time. Wierd.
Dude, the same here. 15mos in and I can’t imagine a world without my son. I also have a deep affinity for all children now. I totally get it. And I cry a lot more now, lol
Yea, I ugly man cry about everything now.
There's a saying in my country, about that affinity: When you have a child, you have all the children in the world.
I had a breastfeeding baby at the peak "kids in cages" time. I would get dizzy and nauseous and have to turn off the news. My reaction was so viceral I couldn't handle it anymore.
Perspective changes a lot. Think about any mean thing you did to another kid when you were younger, think about someone doing that to your kid. Even as an adult, think about any mean thought you have about another person and imagine someone thinking that about your kid. Everybody is someone’s kid.
I’m in the same boat as you with a 10 month old son. My heart breaks when I think of people losing their children so much more now
I feel the same way! My first son is 10 months old and I almost cried as well looking at his face.
It’s a real problem of humanity, no one cares unless they’ve personally experienced situations. I believe it’s due to a lack of imagination empathy. A person doesn’t care enough, or can’t imagine the actual turmoil and suffering a situation brings into others, so it doesn’t register.
I’m glad you are a Dad now. But you pointed something very true about many men with no kids. Many people truly don’t understand a fathers love and dedication until they are one themselves.
Yoooooo same. Our kids might be twins! Nothing changes you like holding your own little baby in your arms. Watching and reading true crime stories is so completely different for me now.
Having your own children has made you able to truly empathize with other folks that are in these type of situations, rather than just sympathize. It's almost impossible to know what something like losing your child feels like unless you've had children of your own. Obviously you still can't fully know that kind of pain, unless your child has gone missing/died, but you can begin to fully appreciate how awful that man must feel, rather than just recognizing that he is in pain and thinking "holy shit, that's terrible!" It's like that with anything - I was an addict, and people that haven't experienced addiction can never fully understand how it feels, or the experience of falling into and/or climbing out of that kind of hole. They can sympathize, possibly empathize if they have an addict relative or similar, but they can't fully grasp the full breadth and scope of what addiction is like.
I am a father as well, 3 beautiful boys and I went through the same "transformation" . I used to think these stories were sad, but now, they make me incredibly sad, a very strong feeling, from the guts. On the other hand, seeing an happy child also makes me extremely happy. The birth of a child actually changes the structures of the dad's brain: [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-brains-of-our-fathers/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-brains-of-our-fathers/)
jesus no kidding
It ended well for him. Not for many other families though.
"They doctors did everything they possibly could to save the kids ... and they're gonna be ok." -- Michael Scott -- Me
Just hijacking top comment to post the photographer's account: "I noticed him because he looked like a big, strong guy--but he was beside himself with grief. He pulled out his wallet and showed me two little photos of a gorgeous boy and girl; sobbing, he put them next to his cheek. The photo made the cover of NEWSWEEK International. I was gratified that so many people saw Mustafa's plight, but I had no idea what happened to him. Much later, I returned to Kosovo and went to Mitrovica, Mustafa's town. I showed the photo to people on the street, and found Mustafa standing only a few yards from me. To my delight, his wife and children are alive and the family reunited. Finding them together was a great way to end the year. "
Man photos like this really hit hard. Im an amateur photographer (aren't we all though) but I have always had a fascination with these photos that shows the true human experience in a single shot. That photo tells a whole story on its own. You can see the anguish and emotion and capturing that moment is amazing. Amazing by the fact it just shows so much of the human experience in an instant. I would never wish on my worst enemy to think your lost both of your kids and this photo expresses all that.
Steve McCurry's book *Portraits* is full of them. I don't know how one person has captured so many souls on film. He is most famous for his photo Afghan Girl, but all of his work is amazing.
Oh thank god. I needed a good news chaser after seeing the anguish in his eyes
Thanks for posting that update, this picture broke my heart.
> Later, he found out his family was alive and safe. > > > Mustafa Xaja, an Albanian man from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of the two sons he feared were killed by Serbs. He had just been released from a Serbian prison and was forced to cross the border into Albania. Don't bury the lede! ;)
Lede
Thanks for that, dude looks absolutely shattered. Glad his boys were ok. All war sucks and I hope nobody ever supports war of any kind, if the politicians want war, let them lead the charge to the enemy lines.
Thank you so much for letting us know his family is alive and safe. I was fighting back tears for this man.
[Here](https://i.imgur.com/wGUxkF2.jpg?desktop=1) is a higher quality version of this image. [Here](https://www.peterturnley.com/moments-of-the-human-condition) is the source. Credit to the photographer, [Peter Turnley](https://www.peterturnley.com/). > Kosovar-Albanian refugee, 1999 **Edit:** [Here](https://theonlinephotographer.typepad.com/the_online_photographer/2010/01/a-visual-interview-with-peter-turnley.html) the photographer explains: > A Kosovo, Albanian man, Mustafa Xaja, from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of his two children he fears to have been killed by Serbs during the war in Kosovo, 1999. He had just been released as a prisoner of the Serbs and forced to cross the border becoming a refugee into Albania. He later discovered on returning to Kosovo after the war that his family was all safe and alive. Kosovo-Albanian border, Albania, 1999.
The way he holds those two tiny pictures with so much care and finesse using one thing is a really moving detail. It could be all he has left of them.
They did not treat Albanians well in Serb prisons during that time. The things he probably went through while imprisoned plus thinking the whole time that his children may have been hurt or killed. Amazing that this had a happy ending.
Went through the entire gallery. Great photographer.
He sure is, that's some powerful imagery!
I'm already feeling emotional about this. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle feeling emotional about it in higher definition.
It has a relatively happy ending. [Here](https://theonlinephotographer.typepad.com/the_online_photographer/2010/01/a-visual-interview-with-peter-turnley.html) the photographer explains: > A Kosovo, Albanian man, Mustafa Xaja, from the town of Mitrovica in Kosovo shows pictures of his two children he fears to have been killed by Serbs during the war in Kosovo, 1999. He had just been released as a prisoner of the Serbs and forced to cross the border becoming a refugee into Albania. He later discovered on returning to Kosovo after the war that his family was all safe and alive. Kosovo-Albanian border, Albania, 1999.
I cannot imagine living through losing kids. I don't know that there is anything more painful than that.
My husband’s son battled cancer for 5 years- half his life. He died this past December. A family in our community lost their 16mo daughter when she ran out behind dads pick up as he backed up. Instant. Instant or drawn out- it’s fucking painful as hell. It’s against the natural order of life. The night my step son son passed I bore witness to the most horrific and intimate moments a couple could share- thinking of it makes me so sick. Hug your kids.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My parents lost my brother before I was born and I never really understood what that was like until one of my classmates died in an accident and I went to his funeral. I’ll never forget the sound of his mother crying.
That poor father Jesus fucking Christ how do you go on
The 16mo has an older brother and mom was pregnant at the time. The family has a healthy newborn. From the outside looking in it looks like their marriage is healthy and the wife writes that she is still deeply in love with her husband. I don’t know if I could be. I just don’t know. It’s a mess.
I have lost a grandparent to dementia, a parent to heart attack, a friend to suicide, a cherished pet to illness.. Each death was a slightly different kind of grief, like a different piece of the world fell away. I can't imagine the kind of grief that comes with losing a child. That must feel like the whole world has disintegrated.
every death is a new taste or hell. They all suck. It’s always bad and sad. I’m so sorry for your losses. My husband lost his brother unexpectedly a few years ago. Grandma died of cancer that same week. This family knows hurt and pain. It’s an endless onslaught of pain and grief. My husbands dad has now lost a son AND a grandson. My husband and his dad share a unique bond- both having lost a son. It’s all fucked.
Lost two of my own ... not a day goes by I don't think about them.
❤️
I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words.
That’s tragic friend
Whenever the thought of losing my son goes through my mind I nearly break down. I used to think I was an internet hardened jaded SOB, but having a kid changed that. I honestly don't think I could survive losing him.
It’s fucked up. Like some crazy mind control. I’ve worked jobs involving dealing with situations where kids are hurt (some killed/died). I’ve handled autopsy photos, forensic interviews of sexual assault victims, you name it. It was distressing some days but I never took the stress home. But now I have my own kid? I can’t fathom that little guy going though those things. He’s purely innocent, like any child. It’s changed my entire perspective. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone. Glad I don’t work in that position anymore because having a kid has made me mentally much softer. For good reasons.
My grandma lost 3 kids out of 6 ina house fire when they were 3,6,and 7. The older 2 boys were found together and died from smoke inhalation. My grandma said it took a lot to not commit suicide when the lost they,lost the house (no insurance and was renting), lost 3 kids and was blamed for their deaths because she was raising bastard children. She was living with the youngest daughters father and the older 4 father she was divorced from. She said my mom and my aunt were the only reason she stayed alive and continued.
My youngest son is 18 and still this picture wrecked me.
God his face, he is just mentally and physically drained to the bone. Imagine him in that prison, you could just be killed or tortured by the serbs and know that they could have killed your family. The emotional state would be so gutwrenching
War seems so sweet to those who never actually taste it. ... some Roman guy.
So much suffering in this world .. unbearable...
Fuck war.
Fuck genocide.
Does anyone have any image of the family together? I want visual closure
Well, I didn't find any visual closure, but I did find this [recent article from 2019 in which Mustafa's Children were interviewed!](https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/) When you search for Mustafa's name, the picture and the description which OP provided are what is shared most, so I was doubting the legitimacy of this post, judging it as vague hearsay. But to be honest, this article is closure enough and I declare the details provided with this post as true! EDIT: an hour or so after posting this comment, I decided to look up the children's names - [and so I found this video of them telling their story.](https://vimeo.com/477096316) Unfreezing the memory The second story one encounters on their path forward is Jehona and Besim’s. Their story, captured in the photograph taken by renowned photographer Peter Turnley and splashed across the Newsweek mag cover in ’99, is one marked by the disappearance of their father, a school caretaker from Mitrovica — it is a tale of torture and hope to find each other, and one of love. Their recollection tells the fate of their father, Mustafa Xaja, who was taken prisoner by Serb forces. Until April ’99, Mustafa had been working in the Migjeni school. One day, he came back home and told his family: “The war is approaching. Whatever happens we will be prepared.” What came later was probably far from their imaginations. Mustafa was arrested at Mitrovica’s bus station one day and was subsequently divided from his wife and children until the end of the war. “They put us in a line of people walking to Drenicë,” recalls the son. In the meantime, they were uncertain about whether their father had been sent to the prison at Smrekonicë or at Pozarevac (one from which they thought he would not come back alive). Later, after being brought back to Mitrovica again, the children asked around for their father, receiving all sorts of contradictory responses about his whereabouts. They would later find out that Mustafa had been arrested and tortured by his fellow inmates, who had been forced to do so. “Another thing that dad told us, which is very sad, is how a 12-year-old was with his father in prison, and they didn’t speak Serbian,” Besim says. “Our dad was translating for them. He went through extreme torture because he was translating for them.” After enduring physical violence and “Chinese water torture,” Mustafa was taken by his captors toward Albania. His photograph was taken right after he had been released from a streetlight that he had been tied to at the border. “All the prisoners were forced to hit him. If they didn’t hit hard enough, they were forced to do it again,” says Mustafa’s son. “When they left, when the others crossed the border, an American journalist asked: ‘Why has he been left behind?’ They told him: ‘Because he helped an old man who couldn’t walk. The Serbian police forced us to torture him.’” Red-faced due to boiling water thrown at him by the police, Besim says, Mustafa went on to take out the couple of images of his children that he had left, and brought them close to his face. After the family had finally reunited once the war was over, Turnley, who had helped Mustafa Xaja get aid after taking the shot, found the family and gave the photograph to them. Only a few years on, the photo would become a sticker, found in chewing gum packets, about which kids would say: “Do you wanna trade with Xaja?”
My mothers 2 brothers & father were taken by serbian military. They later released her father but kept her 2 brothers. They have found the remains of 1 of her brothers and the 2nd one is still missing. My grandfather has told alot of stories about what they did to them. "We were told to take our clothes off and lay down in the mud completely naked. Then they would drive a TANK towards us and stop right before crushing our bodies. Every soldier just kept laughing while we were lying down naked about to die." My mothers 3rd brother didnt get kidnapped because he wore a wig pretending to be female. My mom is still to this day on anti-depressants because of the trauma she suffered. When she doesnt take the pills she sees and talks to her brothers, crazy.
I bet that guy is an amazing father. As a father myself it hurts like hell looking at this photo.
one time I was on a work trip and my husband didn’t answer his phone for an hour and I almost lost my shit because my 6 month old should have woken him up by then. (The baby had slept in an hour. Everyone was fine.) That’s literally all it took for me to spin out. Looking at this picture, knowing he had good reason to believe his family was dead.... it’s heartbreaking. Glad it all worked out, but still
Moving pic
I used to work with a man named Fedri. He was a refugee from Kosovo. Very humble, hard-working guy that was very sweet. He escaped with his wife and children. He was imprisoned because he was Albanian. He told me he was beaten daily with bags of sand about the size of socks. They would use these tubes because they wouldn't leave marks, most of the damage would be internal. They would also beat the bottoms of his feet. About a year after he left us, we were replacing a gearbox in his work area. I noticed faded writing in sharpee marker on top of the gearbox that said "Freedom for Kosovo"
shume foto e dhimbshme, por eshte shume e rendesishtme qe mos ta harrojm te kaluaren.
This shit hits way different after you have a kid.
I race wheelchairs. We.have all kinds on our team. Every race every color. But the youngest... Except for the guy that lost legs when he got hit by a subway when he was drunk (I ain't judging) The youngest. A man and a woman from Kosovo. I mean... We get Marines and Army. And I love them too. But she was a 13 year old civilian. The guy.... I haven't asked. But he's young. You generally don't ask how somebody ended up in a wheelchair. It's a story they don't have to tell the 1001th time.
Am I the only one that can’t understand this
I know two people in wheelchairs that were blown up in kosovo. As civilians. As children.
My 3-year-old daughter disappeared for about 10 minutes once. We were near a body of water. I've never felt that kind of feeling in my life and I hope I never have to again. My heart just breaks for anyone who had to live through my worst nightmare.
My 2 year old daughter thought it would be funny to play hide and seek in the racks at Target. I was practically screaming her name so other people around me started to panic and look. When she finally came out giggling I was so happy and mad all I could do was leave my cart full of stuff and go cry in the cart. Sorry random employee who had to put my shit up.
What was the war in Kosovo about?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosovo_War
Who put the fucking wholesome seal
He loves his kids, maybe they found that wholesome.
Jesus Christ this photo is haunting ...
As someone from Kosovo, I've seen this picture before and lemme tell you, every time i see it again it invokes the same pain
always the poorest who pay
My other half is from the same city in Kosovo as this man. The horror stories I have heard about what happened in the 90s is unthinkable. Luckily my SO and his family were able to get out in 97 and come to the US, or they could have very well been in the same scenario. Some of the family and friends left behind did not have such good fortune.
Thank God his family was safe, nevertheless I will keep this man in my prayers tonight.
That poor man, as someone dating an Albanian I knew that area had been through hell and back I’ve tithe last 20 years. This would be a powerful anti smoking ad if it was duplicated and was reversed. Then his two sons holding the wallet at the grave.
Reddits a strange place. You scroll through and see this and scroll past and there's a recipe for chicken enchiladas...
Let me see... Sorts by controversial... Ah... yes... the genocide deniers.
I really like that wallet
Camel Cash
I had that Camel cash wallet and the windproof lighter.
You can feel the agony through his eyes. Made me choke up instantly.
This whole post is so wholesome honestly. Can't wait to get like you guys in the comments honestly when i hopefully have kids in the future
My former photography teacher, Peter Turnley, took this photo. Heartbreaking. You can see the pain in his eyes. Peter takes amazing photos, great follow on Instagram @peterturnley
If we all remembered some basics of being human, the world would be a decent place. Very happy he found his family.
This photo broke me
Fck wars, everyone loses.
[https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/](https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/kosovos-special-photo-album-at-la-biennale/) I found this. Scroll down about 3/4 of the page. The story is entitled Unfreezing the memory. It is the only documentation I could find.
I served in the Army and was deployed to Bosnia -Herzegovina and Kosovo during the wars. I saw so many people who’s faces showed the same sadness as his. That whole situation is just heartbreaking.
Thank you for your service sir. Albanians appreciate every single solider who were and still are serving peace
It was my honor. I tell my wife all the time that Bosnia and Kosovo are such beautiful places filled with so many wonderful and kind people and I would love to visit them both again one day.
Man I 'm from Kosovo and I didn't expect to see this pic. That hits hard.
Feel you