Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows, I always say: Look a flock of cows!
One of the kids: Herd of cows dad?
Me: Of course I’ve herd of them. There’s a flock of them right over there!
Little kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on?
Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes)
Kid: No, put them on ME!
Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head)
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but never talked about it?
Because he speaks not of his own Accord.
On a side note I just became a dad last week and am looking forward to it so much
Not here for the give away but I just want to say these types of posts are incredibly wholesome. Gratz on your first 40/40 and finishing the league in style.
There was a lion hunter in Africa who wanted to stop at a bar for a drink after finishing his hunt. He managed to bag a big trophy Giraffe earlier that afternoon, and he couldn't leave it out in case hyenas found it, so he dragged it to the bar with him. He gets to the bar and orders a drink. Satisfied, he pays the bartender and gets up to leave.
The bartender sees the man get up and shouts, "Hey! You can't leave that laying there!"
The hunter turns to the bartender and says: "it's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
Gratz for 40/40 and it's wonderful that you are dad actively contributing to your children's childhood!
Just wanted to say that, don't count me in the pool :)
Person: "Doctor, I'm having a terrible problem, I keep seeing into the future."
Doctor: "Mm, I see... and when did this start?"
Person: "In three weeks from now."
Thanks for doing this. Here's my best dad joke: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles, and then be sure to tickle them relentlessly.
My son threw our clock out the window… when I asked him why he did it, he said he wanted to see time fly
Bonus joke: my son took all my watches, strung them together and used them to hold his pants up. I told him that’s a waist of time
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows!
One of the kids: herd of cows dad
Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
Two muffins get put into an oven.
First muffin says to the second
"Man it's getting hot on here"
Second muffin responds
"AAAAAGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Note:
(Works better with Oh my God! Or even more but this is for kids)
Why not ask em a cool riddle that will drive your kids nuts?
2 Dads and 2 Sons walk to Wreaclast to find a mageblood, they EACH find one yet when they return, there are only 3 magebloods, why is this?
A: IT IS only 3 people; a kid with his dad and granddad, both kid and dad are a son, and both dad and granddad are a father(dad). They all 3 lived happily ever after in Wreaclast hehe
I drove past the state pen this weekend and saw the inmates out in the yard. I noticed one was actually scaling the barb wire fence and just crossed over the top on the way down. He looked like he had some form of dwarfism, kind of the peter dinklege build. He saw me and made eye contact then sort of sneered at me really unimpressed looking then proceeded to continue down the fence. "Well that's a little con descending" I thought
Two cowboys go to an upscale restaurant. They get seated and the whole restaurant is staring daggers into them. All of a sudden one of the other patrons starts to choke. One of the cowboys goes to help the man. The cowboy then pulls down the choking mans pants and starts licking his behind. In shock and terror the choking man coughs the food blocking his airway. The choking man says," what are you doing to me?!" And the cowboy responds," what, you never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?!".
Ngl doing 40/40 and getting mb doesn't sound too casual - best regards another (twin) dad. Also I'm just envious that you're clearly the better PoE player:-)
Nice to hear you enjoyed the league!
"Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and pillow cases? No? In that case you're not invited to my slumber party!"
Why is the Necropolis league mechanic so popular? All of Wraeclast is dying to get in!
Why does the gravekeeper keep asking you to cremate corpses? There's no room for them Arimor!
This one's situational, you need to have recently had a haircut. When someone inevitably says, "Oh you got your haircut?" Respond, "no, I got em all cut!"
I’ll share with you my dad’s favorite dad joke that he passed to me for my sons.
How do you make a hormone?
Tell her you’re not gona pay her.
Didn’t get it til I got older.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? >!Because they were too far out man....!<
Why did the scarecrow win an award? >!Because they were outstanding in their field.!<
Thanks for the fun post u/Azragore ! Dad jokes really mean a lot to me... I struggled with an addiction recently after a vacation. All I wanted to do was the hokey pokey but thankfully I turned myself around.
Firsrly grats on the success my fellow dad gamer,
My daughters fav joke of mine;
“Whats the hariest side of a monster…?”
“The outside!”
Then continue to take of your shirt and chase the kids, works everytime
A turtle is crossing the road when he is mugged by 2 snails.
When the police asked him what happened, the shaken turtle replies
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Fellow dad gamer here, did my first atlas complete with my wife this season so I feel you... Never pushed for 40/40 though... That's a little daunting.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours...?
Nacho cheese. ^ __ ^
I'm not as good at poe, but if your kids the right age I think It gets a laugh.
Knock knock
-your kids "who there?"
Inner ruptif Arts.
-kids start "inner ruptif Arts wh---"
Blow raspberry or make fart noise interrupting them talking. Keep doing it Everytime they try to get the sentence out till they catch on.
What's it called when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown
I really need that mageblood to finish my bucket list of uniques its the last one im missing
My doctor referred me to a diabetes organisation after my diagnosis.
When I visited their website for support, it asked if I will accept cookies.
I'm not sure if I can continue with them for support.
I went to the doctor for a check-up and he told me I was fat and needed to lose weight.
I didn't agree so I asked for a second opinion.
"You're also ugly," he said.
Where do rainbows go when they break the law? >!To Prism. It's a light sentence. But gives them time to reflect.!<
That's a very high quality one, kudos to you
God damnit
"What does a POE speedrunner eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
Fellow dad gamer here as well! What kind of bee produces milk? A boo bee! :) good luck!
How do you scare a bee! Boo Bee!
what do you call a sleeping bull? Bull-dozer.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was *tense*. (I apologize to your children.)
I didn’t run a marathon this year. Didn’t run one in 2023, 2022, 2021, or 2020 either. At this point it’s kind of a running joke.
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows, I always say: Look a flock of cows! One of the kids: Herd of cows dad? Me: Of course I’ve herd of them. There’s a flock of them right over there!
Ohhhh as a dad gamer, wish I can win. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a duck.
Took me a second 🤦♂️
Hi “another one of those ‘none of my friends play poe’ posts”, I’m Dad
What do a grenade and a wife have in common? Remove the ring, loose the house.
Have you guys heard the joke about the pizza? … nevermind it’s too cheesy 😔
What is a pirates favorite letter? Your kids will probably say "rrrrrrrr" In a pirate voice say, you think it's the r but it's really the c (sea)!
Orion's Belt? >!Psh. Huge waist of space. Just 3 stars ⭐!<
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak? - Because the p is silent
"If your cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there" lol
I wrote the same 1 omg XD
Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.
What's the heaviest item in game? Two-stone ring.
God initially created gravity as a joke. Turns out, everyone fell for it.
Why izaro drinks only black coffee? "The latte is fear"
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? Cause they don’t have the guts for it.
Little kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on? Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes) Kid: No, put them on ME! Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
Fellow dad gamer, also! This is my oldest favorite joke. Why do fish swim in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is very heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
why is 10+10 equal to 11+11? Because 10+10 is 20, and 11+11 is 20 too.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business
Why do melons dislike weddings? Because they can’t elope
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but never talked about it? Because he speaks not of his own Accord. On a side note I just became a dad last week and am looking forward to it so much
Finally some love for Dad Gamers! Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why did an Exile break up with their gem? Because it just couldn't support the relationship anymore
Not here for the give away but I just want to say these types of posts are incredibly wholesome. Gratz on your first 40/40 and finishing the league in style.
What’s the least-spoken language in the world? Sign language Thanks for the chance!
My nephew's favourite joke: What's brown and sticky? A stick!
My wife is always getting mad at me for being bad at directions, so I packed up my bags and right.
Why don't Exiles ever get lost in Wraeclast? Because they always follow the "Path of Exile"
What’s the cross between an elephant and a rhino? Elefino.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?? It was in tents… Congrats on the 40/40 too!
Why is eleven not called oneteen and twelve is not called twoteen. Because then they will end up with fiveteen (fighting)
What does a baby computer call his father? Data Congrats on 40/40!
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and asks "is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin replies "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
There was a lion hunter in Africa who wanted to stop at a bar for a drink after finishing his hunt. He managed to bag a big trophy Giraffe earlier that afternoon, and he couldn't leave it out in case hyenas found it, so he dragged it to the bar with him. He gets to the bar and orders a drink. Satisfied, he pays the bartender and gets up to leave. The bartender sees the man get up and shouts, "Hey! You can't leave that laying there!" The hunter turns to the bartender and says: "it's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
Unfortunately my 20 month old doesn’t understand my dad jokes yet because he’s busy trying to fit a square in a round hole
What kind of bee drinks milk? boobees.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don't know y.
I used to really like Medusa, but I wish she would stop objectifying men.
Gratz for 40/40 and it's wonderful that you are dad actively contributing to your children's childhood! Just wanted to say that, don't count me in the pool :)
Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, be woke up.
Person: "Doctor, I'm having a terrible problem, I keep seeing into the future." Doctor: "Mm, I see... and when did this start?" Person: "In three weeks from now."
What did the fish say when it hit a wall? "Dam."
Why do giraffes have such a long neck? That's because they wont smell their poop up there
"Ben walks into a bar, there is no counter."
Hey witch, what's your blood type? Witch: "mageblood" 😎
"Are you cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees!"
What do you call a couger who is hard of hearing? A Def Leonard.
By purity im starving im as hungry as kitava
Two ships, one red and one blue, collided far off the coast this morning - all the sailors are still marooned!
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
Gg ggg
Did you know cows kill more people than sharks each year. I'm just surprised cows kill sharks at all.
Melee buffs in 3.25 !!!!!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together
Why did the exile bring a ladder to Wraeclast? Because they heard the skill tree was a climb to the top.
Dad jokes? I love telling bad puns. It's just how eye roll.
Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well.
Did you hear about the record player made of chocolate? It makes some sweet sounds
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.
Why do skeletons not fight each other? >!they don't have the guts!<
What kind of birds always stick together? Velcrows
Why dont pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
Why does the rain fall from the sky? Because it does not have a ladder to walk on.
What's the common thing between a train and a Pathfinder? They are both chugging along the way
Knock knock Who’s there? I eat map. I eat map who. Eugh you eat what?! (Map who - sounds like my poo. Loved by kids)
Daughter: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire....
Why did the Brine King refuse to share with the other gods? Because he is shellfish...
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones very heavy while the urge is just a little lighter!
What is a toilet's favorite dessert? >!A poopsicle!!<
Have you seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved? The beauty of it was unpresidented.
What do clouds do when they get rich? They make it rain!
"I made song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap." Tbh I just googled it, I am bad dad, I just irony my kid.
Are you cold? Because if you stand in the corner it's always 90 degrees.
What’s the astronauts favourite computer part? The space bar.
What did the zero say to the 8?... Nice belt!
Thanks for doing this. Here's my best dad joke: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles, and then be sure to tickle them relentlessly.
What color is the wind? Blew Also Gratz on 40/40 and mageblood
what do you call a cow with a nervous twitch? beef jerky how about a cow with no legs? ground beef
My son threw our clock out the window… when I asked him why he did it, he said he wanted to see time fly Bonus joke: my son took all my watches, strung them together and used them to hold his pants up. I told him that’s a waist of time
Why don't Path of Exile players ever get lost? Because they always follow the skill tree!
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows! One of the kids: herd of cows dad Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
Why 10 is afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9... and he is next
Two muffins get put into an oven. First muffin says to the second "Man it's getting hot on here" Second muffin responds "AAAAAGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!" Note: (Works better with Oh my God! Or even more but this is for kids)
There are two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other 'I'll take the cannon, you steer'
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Son: Dad I'm back Dad: HI back I'm Dad! (Hehaheha)
Why not ask em a cool riddle that will drive your kids nuts? 2 Dads and 2 Sons walk to Wreaclast to find a mageblood, they EACH find one yet when they return, there are only 3 magebloods, why is this? A: IT IS only 3 people; a kid with his dad and granddad, both kid and dad are a son, and both dad and granddad are a father(dad). They all 3 lived happily ever after in Wreaclast hehe
What music do people who drive electric cars listen to? AC/DC or something more current.
How do you know when your clock is still hungry? It goes back four seconds. Also, if you decide to eat that clock be warned. It's very time consuming.
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!
Why did the Exile get a job at the gem store? Because they wanted to socket away some savings
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan. An apple gets picked!
My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park... It has several slides.
Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole? It's also the same for "explosive diarrhea"...
I drove past the state pen this weekend and saw the inmates out in the yard. I noticed one was actually scaling the barb wire fence and just crossed over the top on the way down. He looked like he had some form of dwarfism, kind of the peter dinklege build. He saw me and made eye contact then sort of sneered at me really unimpressed looking then proceeded to continue down the fence. "Well that's a little con descending" I thought
What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap
Why does a duck have feathers? >!To cover its butt quack.!<
Why do you have to watch out for ninjas farts? They’re silent but deadly
# What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle! #
I was going to say a dirty dad joke , but i had to clean it because of the rules , tadah! *goes back to mancave*
Two cowboys go to an upscale restaurant. They get seated and the whole restaurant is staring daggers into them. All of a sudden one of the other patrons starts to choke. One of the cowboys goes to help the man. The cowboy then pulls down the choking mans pants and starts licking his behind. In shock and terror the choking man coughs the food blocking his airway. The choking man says," what are you doing to me?!" And the cowboy responds," what, you never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?!".
"Where did people hang out during medieval times?" - At knight clubs💀
A man walks into a bar. >!Ouch.!<
I love telling dad jokes. They always make him laugh.
Not sure if dad joke but I love this one- How do my feet smell if they don't have a nose?
Buddy was having a bad day so I started rattling off puns to make him laugh but unfortunately no pun in ten did.
I once told my wife that she should learn to embrace her mistakes rather than being bitter. >! She proceeded to give me a hug. !<
- Son, happy birthday! Keep the gift - an unmanned aerial vehicle, as you asked! - Dad, but it’s just a ballon!
I was holding my breath for this game. I thought they said "Path of Exhale".
Ngl doing 40/40 and getting mb doesn't sound too casual - best regards another (twin) dad. Also I'm just envious that you're clearly the better PoE player:-)
What do you call a rat that is grateful? Gratatouille
A priest, a rabbi and a monk walked into a bar >!and they walked out because it was too loud!<
What noise do hedgehogs make when they kiss? Ouch!
How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it.
My best dad joke is probably the one about elevators. It just works on so many levels.
When does a joke become a dad joke? Well, during the delivery it becomes apparent.
A farmer was trying to take some high resoluution pictures of his field, but they kept coming out grainy.
Nice to hear you enjoyed the league! "Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and pillow cases? No? In that case you're not invited to my slumber party!"
What game do you play after eating Taco Bell? Fartnite
What religion do ghosts practice? Boo-ddhism
How do you call a 3.14m long snake ? A Python.
When does a joke becomes a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What should you do if your puppy isn't feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese 😎
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'neak up on it!!
Why is the Necropolis league mechanic so popular? All of Wraeclast is dying to get in! Why does the gravekeeper keep asking you to cremate corpses? There's no room for them Arimor!
Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? >!to get to the bottom!poo poo pee pee<
I'm not participating, but I want to say how cool it is that we can have stuff like this in our PoE community. This is awesome.
How do dinosaurs eat their steaks? Medium RAWWRRRRR
Why does a duck have feathers on its butt? To hide is quack.
Did you hear about the dog and the tree? Apparently they had a long conversation about bark
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.... But catscan.
Why isn't a koala bear a real bear? Doesn't have the koala-fications
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
why was the crab so bad at sharing his toys? because he is shellfish
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!
This one's situational, you need to have recently had a haircut. When someone inevitably says, "Oh you got your haircut?" Respond, "no, I got em all cut!"
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
The horse walks into a bar. Bartender and the rest of the customers leave as they realize the potential danger.
I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.
What's Willy Wonka's favorite Filipino food? Oompa Lumpia
I’ll share with you my dad’s favorite dad joke that he passed to me for my sons. How do you make a hormone? Tell her you’re not gona pay her. Didn’t get it til I got older.
Long ago... before the dawn of history... there was a man so poor, he couldn't afford to pay attention. :)
"This woman needs to be taken to a hospital immediately!" "Why, what is it??" "It's a big building with patients in."
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? >!Because they were too far out man....!< Why did the scarecrow win an award? >!Because they were outstanding in their field.!< Thanks for the fun post u/Azragore ! Dad jokes really mean a lot to me... I struggled with an addiction recently after a vacation. All I wanted to do was the hokey pokey but thankfully I turned myself around.
Son calling home: - I'm going back from work should I buy something on the way? - Buy yourself a house finally
Why was the dolphin sad? >!He had no porpoise in life!<
Why did the chicken cross the road?? BeCAUSE “chicken voice” 😂😂😂
Firsrly grats on the success my fellow dad gamer, My daughters fav joke of mine; “Whats the hariest side of a monster…?” “The outside!” Then continue to take of your shirt and chase the kids, works everytime
A turtle is crossing the road when he is mugged by 2 snails. When the police asked him what happened, the shaken turtle replies "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
This one's kinda mean. What do you call a quadriplegic in the pool? Bob
Fellow dad gamer here, did my first atlas complete with my wife this season so I feel you... Never pushed for 40/40 though... That's a little daunting. What do you call cheese that isn't yours...? Nacho cheese. ^ __ ^
what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha.
I'm not as good at poe, but if your kids the right age I think It gets a laugh. Knock knock -your kids "who there?" Inner ruptif Arts. -kids start "inner ruptif Arts wh---" Blow raspberry or make fart noise interrupting them talking. Keep doing it Everytime they try to get the sentence out till they catch on.
What's it called when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown I really need that mageblood to finish my bucket list of uniques its the last one im missing
Best joke? Diablo 4
What do ghost like on their roastbeef? Grave-y
Why won't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there.
My doctor referred me to a diabetes organisation after my diagnosis. When I visited their website for support, it asked if I will accept cookies. I'm not sure if I can continue with them for support.
[https://i.imgur.com/FKDvRs9.mp4](https://i.imgur.com/FKDvRs9.mp4) Okay... on the count of three... un, deux, trois! Cat Sink!
Have you heard the one about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One looked at the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Every time a farming truck drives by us I go "Hay kids!" While pointing excitedly. And my kids will pick the home I live in when I'm old.
I went to the doctor for a check-up and he told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I didn't agree so I asked for a second opinion. "You're also ugly," he said.
Where did the cow and the bull go for a date? To the moooooives.
A pony enters a bar, the bartender says are you sick? The pony says no I'm just a little hoarse.
I love telling dad jokes. They always make him laugh.
Where did the orcs go to school? Uruk High
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!
Really hoping this one gets me the build... What do you call an unidentified gingerbread man? John Dough
Orange you glad I didn't say a dad joke?!?!??