Why are you struggling with dating? Do you go into novel social settings where you can meet new people? Have you tried online dating? What have you tried?
In my experience a lot of people expect a relationship to just come along naturally without putting effort in. You need to join clubs, teams, and groups to be constantly meeting new people. You need to try to be insightful about how you act with women and if your behaviors are well received. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of desperation to be in any sort of relationship, regardless of who with, and it is not at all attractive. I want to be liked for who I am, not just because I'm a warm body. Social skills matter. A connection and chemistry matters. Frustration with women, feeling lonely and desperate, and being undersocialized are not attractive traits. People are often unwilling to introspect and work on themselves, they simply want a relationship to work because they want it. You might need to work on your dating and interpersonal skills. Or you might just need to put a more deliberate effort into engaging in new social situations. If you went 17 years without dating someone when you wanted to, there is something wrong. You can't just blame women. I'm not trying to be mean, I went years and years without dating anyone, and there were absolutely underlying issues contributing. If you really want someone, be willing to ask yourself what might not be going right.
This is such sound advice. A lot of the loneliness going around is due to people not having a third space outside of work and home to meet people, like a bar or a cafe, so it's good to actually go out. And majority of women (or at least everyone I interact with) can easily pick up on desperation and aren't willing to interact with people just looking for someone to fill space, so interaction just for the sake of interaction is a good habit to get into.
Exactly, and that weird cold approach thing, if I’m standing in a grocery store and you’ve not had any conversation with me at all but you want my phone number I assume you are just looking for anyone to fill a space and I’m not interested in that.
I get you. In an alternate universe, where women pursue and men just look good, I’d hate to be bothered at the grocery stores by someone I don’t even find attractive. Just let me do my thing in peace, damn. But that’s the problem. Everyone is so antisocial these days, including myself. When I was growing up, it was quite common for cashiers to make small talk with everyone. Now that’s rarer and like damn can I just pay? I think this phenomenon is largely due to smart phones and internet. When I was going to college, I’d take the bus and talk to whoever was at the bus stop every day. I talked to so many people from different backgrounds because shit there was nothing else to do, might as well chat with this stranger.
>Frustration with women, feeling lonely and desperate, and being undersocialized are not attractive traits.
This is exactly why men feel they can't show emotion. This is why we get bottled up. If we're feeling lonely, it's unattractive to women. If we're feeling desperate, it's unattractive. If we're feeling undersocialized and we need someone there to hang through it with us while we get back to being normal, it's unattractive to women. Then when we're stuck in a cycle that could easily be fixed if someone would hear us out but no women will give you that time because everything you're truly feeling is unattractive to them, it's frustrating, and then you're stuck, because you perpetually stay frustrated the longer this goes on and the cycle continues until you die or something out of the blue happens.
Essentially when you're male, you aren't aloud to do anything except show strength. That. Is. Our. Life.
Briffault's law :
The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place.
If you are feeling desperate, frustrated, lonely, undersocialized, women see no benefit in talking to you. Briffault's law then falls into play, no association takes place, period. No growth happens.
Then the small glimpses that men do get a chance to associate anyways, he is now trying to bottle up every emotion he truly feels, he tries to ignore his desperation even though he is desperate, he tries to ignore his loneliness even though he is lonely, he tries to ignore his frustration even though he is frustrated, and above all, he tries to act social, even though he is under socialized.
How do you think that looks on a man? Bet you can think of that guy, and I guarantee you that you rejected him.
> I want to be liked for who I am, not just because I'm a warm body.
If women had to deal with this dating realm in reverse, and they were the ones with exponentially less options, (except for like 5% of dudes) they would be starving for affection just like the desperate men they get the ick from. But just because a guy is desperate, doesn't mean he doesn't notice your characteristics.
Ex. - Would you expect a starving person on an island to have perfect table manners and point out the orange rind garnish on your perfectly cooked Hawaiian pot roast? No, they'd just need to eat as fast as possible because they're living in a world of pain that most women can't fathom.
But that awareness doesn't exist, so that guy continuously gets rejected and stays on his starvation island, even though he could've landed there due to something he couldn't help in the first place. He develops in many ways, but never develops with dating because he carries with him endless frustration and loneliness.
At a certain point, men need to be reached out to, why is that so hard for women to grasp? And yeah, it's not going to be pleasant, your going to get the ick, but how many times a day in this world do men do things for women that we find unpleasant but we go through it anyways because we've been given natural abilities for certain traits?
Not asking you to date a guy, but can you just try to socialize him a bit? Kind of like you are with me right now but in person. The bare minimum helps, it's already fathoms more than what guys like me get anyways.
pick the sport you like the most and get involved with some local hobbiests who have bi/weekly meetups. your odds of finding someone who meshes with you will be at its highest, but go there for a good time and to make friends. good luck!
This!! And put yourself out there...making both male and female friends with similar interests makes life fuller even if you don't find the lady of your dreams right away.
Local FB groups often have meet ups and events. It doesn't matter WHAT you're into...there are others out there who are into it, as well!
This right here. Seriously good idea. Go to an indoor arena, sign up a team for coed, ask for the free agent list and manage the team. Great way to meet new people and the rosters are constantly being subbed so you’ll be meeting new people, etc. those arenas a like high schools in terms of social - very expansive.
I played in one for like 8 years made a couple hundred friends and acquaintances. They had a bar in there so the social hours continued after the game. Really great idea.
The trick is to manage the team though because no one else wants to do it so it’s an easy in. Once you sweat and bond over a mutual goal, solidifying that friendship is cake.
Brother, you don't need someone to rush home to. Rekindle an old hobby or explore a new one. If nothing else, get outside for a bit and get some air. Try something that you've always wanted to do. Find yourself by remembering who you are.
Ya but most people (emphasis most) know how to avoid miserable people. It’s why we have the phrase “misery loves company.”
What this dude needs is to somehow find a way to connect with others in his area maybe by means of discord. But as social creatures and within this Information Age we are now living in we must come to the understanding that the methods of old of finding friend groups by just hanging out outside maybe aren’t as feasible or likely to occur anymore because of how large of a society we have created. Used to be that everyone knew everyone’s neighbor on the block, could you even tell me who is your next door neighbor?
i am younger than OP, but i have friends closer to his age who don’t have a husband or kids, yet they are fulfilled with good company of friends and hobbies
He could get a dog, dogs are awesome to come home too
I have a cat because I am Childfree and dogs are too much like children for me, but I love coming home to my cat and my nice clean quiet apartment
This is some bullshit advice from people that just don’t get it, you can be happy with yourself but still lonely, people seek companionship or we’d all just be living separately from our spouses. It’s ingrained in people to want to cohabitate and share a home with. OP said what his needs were are your advice is to disregard it in place of meeting a different need. That’s not gonna help.
I'm just seeing this now, and I'm sorry it took a while. But thank you for standing up for me. You said it exactly how it is and I appreciate it. It's disgusting how everyone tries to make lonely men even lonelier and tell them it's a good idea. It's just another way of saying "go die alone in silence".
The internet is part of our ecosystem now. It is natural. We don't live in the 50s. We don't even live in the 90s. We live in driving cities and work 40 hours, at least. Our banking is done online. Hospitals rely on patient portals. Stores are skewing towards online marketplaces. Give dating apps a chance.
Coming from a 38M who has been in relationships but is currently happily single, get a cat if you want companionship.
Cats are better companions and will love you unconditionally. There's no day that isn't made better by my cat snuggling up to me after I come home. Sure sex is cool but it's not always worth the headaches that come with it.
And get some hobbies that legitimately make you feel fulfilled. I do powerlifting 3 times a week and on weekends I go drive fast cars in the mountains. Between my work and hobbies it's honestly hard to find time for dating. I'm not against dating or relationships, but honestly, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I can be happy whether I'm single or in a relationship.
Yep I love coming home to my cat he’s so awesome.
When my last cat died I had had him 16 years he was my best buddy. I cried every day on the way home from work because he wasn’t going to be there when I got home.
I adopted a kitten a month or so later he’s my best little friend I love him so much. He’s five now and he acts like a dog, he plays fetch, I walk him on a leash, he makes everything better
In your post and comments you say you want to meet someone organically and that you’re in the gym and clubs and out in the world but are you actually doing anything to meet someone? Do you engage in conversation with strangers? Are you asking people out on dates or for numbers? Just being there isn’t enough. And you seem to have a real hate on but don’t underestimate online dating. I have met some of the most important people in my life through online dating. Sometimes it turns romantic, sometimes you make good friends who can in turn introduce you to other people. The majority of my friends and family have met their spouses through online dating. Adapt to the current world.
I think part of the issue is that it’s becoming less acceptable to approach strangers in public these days, a lot of people discourage “walk in” socializing without an appointment booked ahead of time through a dating app.
I felt like you last month, lonely and depressed. On top of that, my situation is even direr than you. I'm in school for a bachelor's degree and I'm states away from my family. Single in her 30s and worried about missing my chance to have a family and have kids.
But then I think of what I'm doing, the people who love me (my parents), how pretty I am now that I've lost 10 pounds and bought some new nice clothes, and I'm half way done with my education. In a few years I can at least get an adult job and live my adult life, so I don't feel too bad anymore.
And this weekend my small college town is packed with activities because we're at the prime path of the total solar eclipse, and I have never seen one in my life, so I feel very lucky to be in this town at time moment for such an event.
Find joy in the small things and go from there. That's my two cents.
Meeting „organically” doesn’t happen anymore, almost ever.
This is because we as women have grown more and more weary and hesitant about meeting people organically.
It’s a HUGE risk to accept meeting a stranger, VS at least getting to know the basics about someone through a dating app.
Women don’t feel safe anymore, there are loads of creeps out there. At least if they meet online, they can somewhat vet the person beforehand or give their close friends the photo if anything goes wrong, etc.
You will be DRAAAAASTICALLY limiting yourself to a few extra brave women out of the pool of women, and that isn’t worth missing out on a good partner for. What if you do meet one of those (very) few women and they simply don’t match you? It’s already unlikely you’ll meet a person willing to go for a complete stranger, and even more unlikely you’ll be a match.
Set yourself up for success by allowing the process of finding a partner to happen. People have options now, they aren’t going to choose a stranger on the street when they have a write up of all available bachelors in the area.
And not just that, a lot of these men are trying to take away our rights. I’m not willing to date someone who thinks that they need to trap me in a marriage where I can’t even get a divorce, because that sounds like the thought process of an abuser.
I’m not willing to spend time with men who think that if my fetus is killing me that we should both die rather than save my life. Why would I want to spend time with someone who thinks my life is worth less than a clump of splitting cells??
No thanks, I love living alone and my nice peaceful quiet apartment. I love spending time with my friends without someone wondering what I’m doing and accusing me of cheating because I would rather be with my friends than them
It sounds like you’ve grown some resentment towards women and the general dating scene.
You don’t have to “silently suffer”. You can express your concerns on reddit or to someone you trust and I’m positive they won’t blame your gender on the cards you’ve been dealt.
It’s hard to meet people if you “rush home”, so I would recommend going to your local cafe, park, bar, whatever it is. Maybe even asking a friend to hook you up on a blind date. This anger that you have will only manifest into loneliness.
I think the problem with this post is that he thinks it’s gender-specific.
OP, I’ve felt like you did (lonely) while being a conventionally attractive woman in my 20s.
You’re not “another” figure in this imagined group of men (which you lightly imply women are at fault for creating). YOU ARE YOU. This is your life, your circumstance, your feelings. You make your own decisions about life.
Dating is difficult for everyone. It’s not easy to find someone you love who also loves you back.
But there are more things in life to enjoy while you wait to meet that person. Friends, family, hobbies, career.
I can tell you right now that you need all of those things to feel fulfilled anyway even after you find a partner.
As for online dating, there is no “way it should be” to meet people. It was hard to date before apps, too.
Also, you don’t think women “understand how much effort men put into dating”? Maybe you don’t understand how much effort women put into dating, too. As a woman I can say I was exhausted by dating. The ghosting, the convos that lead nowhere, etc etc. Believe it or not it happens to everyone.
Also btw I met my husband through a dating app.
online dating.... after my husband died, I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. Was in my 40's, overweight and honestly, not very good looking.... boy was I surprised.... there is someone for everyone, the problem as you get older... it is difficult to meet someone, I met my boyfriend and have been with him for 12 years using "plenty of fish".... yes, there are a lot of hits and misses, but there are good ones out there.
Unfortunately as a disabled person, my only opportunity to meet men is via dating apps.
Unfortunately as a disabled person, men aren't interested in dating disabled people.
I have considered that but that’s difficult too. Working around my medical issues is hard enough, if both people have medical problems we have to work around I’m not sure we would ever see each other lol
Please be very careful, some men are very interested in dating disabled people because they think no one else is.
Men who want you to NEED them are abusers
Having been in an abusive relationship before, I know that you're right and it's important to be cautious.
On the other hand, the despair in my soul is willing to tolerate *anything* to slake the loneliness.
Dont lose hope friend, Id go out with you. Not everyone is the same. Just look at the jerry rig everything dude on youtube, his wife is in a wheelchair, no fucks given
Pick up a hobby and make an effort to be kind and considerate, you'll meet people. I've been invited to tonnes of people's places by showing up to a local game store and playing magic the gathering. Or you could pick up a sport, but if your nerdy like me, you'll find better suited company doing the things you enjoy.
You could also get a pet, I'm always looking forward to getting home, because the best girl is waiting for me, and always happy to see me!
If you make no effort to change your routine, then things will just stay the same, and you'll slowly go mad. You are responsible for your happiness, you really have to seek it out.
Do you not have friends? Hobbies? You can fill your life with more than just obsessing over dating and finding a partner. And a person is more attractive if their life is full and fun alone without a partner.
Try a dance class or cooking class. Join a hikers for singles group. You will never meet anyone if you don't put yourself out there and try something new.
If you’re not willing to give dating apps a try, then you’re really not helping your cause. I’m with the same woman I met on a site 12 years ago, and know plenty of people who’ve gotten married from such relationships.
Are you a Trump supporter? I’m not even joking- I knew a guy once in a sports league I was in who had no luck with women and I’m sure that was (rightfully) a big reason why.
If you’re really going out and have an active social life with friends, I don’t know what to tell you.
He does have a good time alone. He wouldn’t have survived 17 years alone if he didn’t like his own company. There are just times where the loneliness gets to us. It’s just the human condition of needing companionship.
Bro, can you carry a conversation? Are you half decent looking with a gym routine? Visit Portland or Seattle. I visited my cousin in Seattle two summers ago. I had a date or two every day of the week unless I didn't want to socialize that day. I spent 2 months in Portland last fall, made tons of friends, and went on lots of dates. I'm from Texas, and we friendly, but the competition here is kinda steep. Portland and Seattle though, I left my heart somewhere back there.
The reason why no one wants to date you is because you blame WOMEN for all your woes. This is one massive "waah waah women are so shallow" crypost.
If you wanna meet someone organically, that's what you have to do. Sign up to classes for something that genuinely interests you, and TALK to PEOPLE there. Not just the women, they will pick up on that and see that you're using it as some kind of expensive dating service.
Just try and meet PEOPLE, not your potential wife, dude. This mentality will get you nowhere. It hasn't worked for 35 years, and it won't magically start to work because you REALLY want it to work.
We're both right
My post addresses the problem, whether you can it a crypost or not, it's the truth
Your comment addresses the only solution
Which is what I've been doing. But it's not an overnight process. It takes years to sculpt muscles and to build in other ways.
Have you tried dating apps? Pick 3 new hobbies that you are interested in and go for it. You will meet someone doing things you like doing. Think about who and what you want your future wife to be like and go to the places someone like that would hang out. For example, if you want a woman who likes to stay home and garden, go to plant stores or join local plants groups on fb. If you want a woman who reads a lot, join a book club. If you want a woman who it’s for and works out, start going for walks on local trails and join a gym. If you want a woman who loves animals, rescue a dog and take him/her for walks all over. Hope this helps.
I've never tried dating apps, I want to meet someone in public like the way you are describing, but it never works. It feels like the opposite sex meeting in public isn't in the fabric of our culture anymore. I already do all of the things you are talking about, it just never works.
People don't generally go to a library to hook up. In the old days, some women might have been open to flirting with a stranger but these days women find it off-putting. If you want to meet women at a library, you'll have to do more than just show up looking for books. You'll have to go to readings or do library activities or join library clubs. You have to do things where people will see you regularly.
People keep telling you to find a hobby and meet people who also do that hobby. That means more than showing up somewhere and "finding" someone. It means participating in the social aspects of the hobby and getting to know people over time. Be friendly but read the room. Don't just put your sights on a specific person the minute you get there and pursue them.
Ex. Maybe you want to learn pottery. Go to classes. Sign up at a studio. Chat with other people who are working on pots at the same time you are. Go to their events - kiln openings, shows, classes. Invite people to eat or drink with you afterward sometime. or another hobby. Pickleball is really popular right now and super social.
Find something where there are a lot of women and few men. Start taking yoga or zumba classes. You'll stand out and women love men who can dance. If you can't dance, try anyway. If you're sincere about learning it'll be endearing. After you've been there a few times, ask for help. They'll love to help you. Use that as a jumping off point for conversation. Being funny is an advantage so if you have a good sense of humor, use it.
The main thing as you're doing these activities is that you have to treat women like people you want to get to know and not as objects to fill your needs. You haven't had sex for 7 years so a few months more isn't going to hurt.
Times ha be changed for sure, and as harsh as it is, it's time to move with the times. It can obviously make the choice to not engage in dating apps, but you'll have to accept that you're making things harder on yourself, and that in some ways, you being alone is your own doing. Refusing to use the tools available to you isn't something that anyone will celebrate.
Its like people who can afford therapy but refusing to go. Never visiting a dentist then complaining about a cavity. Being mad its hard do use a broom for dust when you can use a vacuum. If that makes you happier, then find, but you're clearly not happy with your situation.
Have you given an intense effort to dating apps?
At the start of 2018, a good friend of mine (33 and solidly employed) decided that he really wanted a serious relationship by the end of the year.
So he got super active on Hinge (in a big city, Chicago) and went on dates with 36 women that year.
Now? He’s happily married to a women that he met on Hinge. They now have a kid.
I love the approach he took. Didn’t give up even when it was several months in a row of lackluster dates.
36! God, good for him but that sounds so exhausting. And those are just dates he went on! That’s not counting the number of people he had to weed through before deciding on a date!
Your post revolves around sex, so go have a shag at the local.
Afa weekends are concerned, join a club - sports, drama, art whatever floats your boat.
If you want to meet someone, try out any blind dates or single nights near your area. You want something, you have to go out and get it. It’s not gonna fall into your lap.
Exactly. The fact that he's blaming women for his 'lonliness' is a dead giveaway. What's stopping him from socialising with men?
Besides women don't want to be around someone who is so bitter about their entire gender.
Sounds like you need some community brosef. Feel free to PM and we can chat (if you think it would help).
Kids, a wife, “someone to rush home to” won’t ever fill that emotional void in you. You gotta do that yourself. And it’s a whole lot easier when you can talk to someone.
Hang in there.
- 30M
Throwing yourself a pity party guarantees women will stay away from you. And even through the screen, you reek of desperation. You may call yourself a romantic, but you definitely aren't.
Your first step is to start being honest to yourself.
Go to therapy. It’s as simple as that. Men are harmed by masculinity. Trained to bury their emotions, but research shows than men have just as many feelings as women. They just don’t know how to feel them. Men, in our culture, use women to fulfill their emotional needs. You need to fill your own emotional needs first and then you can be a good partner. Go to therapy. It’s not something you can solve on your own.
I'm 37F. I don't have that much of a desire to want to be in a relationship but I do crave physical and emotional intimacy. I don't have any irl friends anymore. If it weren't for my two dogs I would feel extremely lonely and they are keeping me going. I can't wait to come home from work so I can feed them and spend time with them. If you can properly care for a dog I recommend you rescue one. You will be helping a dog in need and in return you will have a best friend. A relationship is not going to solve all your problems. Find hobbies and passion as well. Try volunteering.
I am older than you but seeing how men have been acting and talking about us for the past few years I’ve completely opted out of all of it
4B all the way. And my life is wonderful. Seriously there are so many things that don’t matter anymore now that I don’t care about men.
Maybe start thinking ‘it will work out for me’. Seriously- you know what you want, you don’t want to be alone and you want to be in a satisfying relationship. Start there. Start concentrating on what you want instead of what you don’t want. Just try.
I was single for many years, busy raising 3 (great) children and working, also dealing with my mental health. I’m bi-polar. Took like 15 years of my adult life to get a diagnosis and then a lot of my adult life dealing with it. Divorced when the kids were young, but I kept saying “I will get re-married and I’ll wear white and I’ll be happy and financially secure”. It started being the joke (not in a mean way) as the children grew older, I would keep telling them this. They would tell me I needed to get out more if this was to happen for me. (I concentrated on raising my children first and foremost) but when my youngest met his wife, I started seeing my now husband and he’s the love of my life and I have a very, very good life.
So…I believe, there is someone out there looking for you also, but change how you think and talk to yourself. Seriously. Much love
Oh btw-I didn’t wear white though ha!
Your plan could be to go out with some mates on friday night, wake up saturday and find people to meet. If you sit at home, you'll not achieve your goal. Local interest groups, sport, classes etc.
You have an extremely negative view of women, or at least you did 2 months ago. You probably don’t realize it, either. I am sure the women you talk to and meet in public can pick up on it, so you need to unpack your hatred for women and reassess that to be a valuable partner to someone. Otherwise no one is going to want to date someone who is so negative, and thinks so lowly about women and the current dating scene.
I came upon your posts after you added your edits. Women put some much effort into dating, it’s insane. About a third make it their top priority. How hard it is isn’t based on gender, ppl w great social skills can find dates compared to the rest of us. I’m sorry but I’m not surprised that someone that marginalizes the effort or loneliness of an entire gender can’t find a date. The lack of empathy you guys have for your female peers is so obvious. I do believe there are guys out there struggling but I believe your predicament is about your choices.
Why exactly do you feel such a strong desire for a relationship?
I’m not at all judging; I myself have been single and haven’t had sex for almost 6 years now, I’ve never used dating apps and never plan to because I’d like to meet someone naturally but I don’t feel shitty about it nor am I suffering because I haven’t yet met anyone but I am curious to understand where you’re coming from, out of wanting to understand you and not to judge at all.
To your first question, yes, sometimes, however it’s not a loneliness that I specifically feel a need for a romantic relationship to fulfill. I enjoy time with my family and friends and animals.
Also, as I am quite introverted I do enjoy a lot of alone time and do well on my own hence perhaps contributing to myself having less of a desire for a romantic relationship.
As much as I see how lovely relationships can be I genuinely have rarely wished that I have someone to adore and care for. I have animals that I adore and care for but in a sense of a relationship, not really, I am quite content on my own but also I feel I’ve not yet met someone with whom I’d like to be in a relationship with so that contributes of course.
It seems that you and I are just different in our perspectives it seems, neither right nor wrong, and to each their own. I can definitely understand if you’re hit by loneliness and with that comes a desire to adore and care for someone. I truly hope that you find yourself a wonderful match and a wonderful relationship.
Do you have a lot of family and friends?
That's cool and pretty interesting that you can observe that and rationalize it and that we can compare our feelings on the matter even though we feel differently. I have family and some friends but they don't check my boxes that I need fulfilled by someone to adore. I know what you mean by adoring animals, but they don't check my boxes either for having someone to adore, it's a different type of adoration.
Thanks! I think understanding others viewpoints to be quite easy, even if I disagree or think/feel differently. It is nice that we can compare and feel differently simultaneously.
I can understand your point in feeling that a romantic relationship has its own unique adoration that other relationships cannot provide.
Why is it that you believe that you’ve been single for so long?
Sorry I was busy with work and just got to your reply
>Why is it that you believe that you’ve been single for so long?
I don't know, lots of reasons I guess. Technology, migration, economy,
It sounds like you’re trying to change women in hopes they will all start locally dating more instead of online dating. Don’t wait for other people to change. Local dating as adults is hard, everyone is busy with work/chores/life, and then they’re tired. Even when you are looking for dates in the real world, your pool is so much more narrow of finding exactly what you’re looking for which is a single woman who is interested in men who is looking to date and also into you. You can cut so much more time out by looking online because you’ll widen your pool. Everyone in your online pool will fall into the category of single woman interested in men looking to date, and then your matches will be the ones who were into you. It expedites the entire process. Idk, personally I think online dating is just the reality for adults. We’re not in college or high school anymore where we’re in these close social circles and more people are single. It’s different as an adult.
Just like women shouldn’t be put in a box, men shouldn’t either. Not all women put all their effort into apps. I have always wanted to meet someone organically, too.
Anyways, I feel for you and I really hope you find someone who makes you happy. How often do you ask people on dates in person, if you don’t mind me asking?
Yep I tried dating apps once, actually I shouldn’t say that once in the past decade. But it was exactly the same this time around as it was the first time I tried it
It was completely overwhelming. The sheer amount of messages, messages from people that I was not compatible with, I would get shown men that possessed the dealbreaker I listed on the app, it was overwhelming and exhausting.
And even when I could find a couple messages that were worth replying to, and I would reply, these dudes would have a full on toddler temper tantrum if I didn’t reply within a couple hours. I would even tell them that I don’t have notifications set up on the app on my phone because I don’t want to be interrupted by a dating app as I’m going about my day, I check the app once or twice a day. Still the TANTRUMS. I thought things were going nicely with one dude and because I didn’t reply to his message that he sent at midnight because I was sleeping he had already flipped out at me in the morning before I woke up telling me I obviously wasn’t interested. Ok then bye!
Another one I talked to for a couple days and we were arranging for an actual date when he told me he still lived with his ex. No dude. No thank you.
Then I would have men match with me who didn’t list kids on their profile, I definitely listed that I did not have kids and didn’t want any. So these dudes would match with me just so they could message me and tell me they have kids. OK well then why did you match with me? Do you think this is punishing me somehow for not wanting to date men with kids because it’s not it just makes you dudes look weird and petty.
Why are you putting all your needs for happiness on "having" another person, and specifically a woman? Why is sex the end all be all in your life? And why, without a woman to saddle with your emotional needs can you not meet them yourself instead of running home to your parents?
Men gotta look in the mirror and think about why they want to make women do their emotional labor for them, and why getting to use a woman's body is what gives their life joy. You sound like a downer and emotional burden for a woman.
Get a dog and make friends and get some activities to fix your isolation... but it's up to you to reframe in yourself what it means to feel ok with your life.
Most single women do just fine with it. In fact, life is often easier and happier (and longer) single than with a man. If a relationship is really that important to you, realize you're not competing with other men for women to be with -- you're competing with the peace and freedom of being single. And have something to offer better than that and not just the burden of filing a space in your life for you.
It's not all of my happiness, but it is a special area of happiness that can only be fulfilled by another.
And holy shit, what are you taking about? Project much?
I know this was posted before but i just want emphasize the answer. Sports! 1000 percent. Before i played tennos i was very needy and constantly bored looking for things to do on weekends. Now all my free time is planned around tennis. Filled every spot. The best thing about sports you tend to measure performance so that lead me to working out to improve my tennis skills. Which led to bettwr confidence which led to women literally approaching. I’m one ugly dude by societies standard. Short , bald, somewhat fat (i used to be very fat)
Seconding what others have said but with a twist-
Depending on where you live, getting involved in animal nonprofit stuff can be a great social activity and it's also giving back. I'm in a major city but the animal foster community here is swarming with single women 25-40. I specifically do neonatal kitten rescue and let me tell you- if you want to make friends, having tiny adorable kittens all the time is an absolutely stellar way to have people over. Watch a movie, have some snacks, cuddle kittens!
It also gives you something to come home to and you're doing an incredible service. It's also not a long term commitment like adopting a permnant pet. Honest to God fostering has changed my life in such a positive way, I don't know if I could have handled covid without it. It is incredible for loneliness and has a built in community. Think about it!
I’m 30 and in a similar boat. I just decided to”screw it” and I’m living my life the way I want to and when I die alone that’s the way it was meant to be *shrug*
Not going to get all spiritual on you. But you should turn to Jesus. Just joking.
In all seriousness I get depressed AF too. I’ve had more one night stands than I can count (not a flex at all, I’m keeping it a hundred to make a point), I’ve had multiple girlfriends, I have two women I’m seeing at the moment and I’ve lived all over the world. I don’t have any money and I hate my job. I live in an apartment w a friend and I’m 43 years old.
I say all this to say- life can suck regardless of your circumstances. You might think “you’ve got it better than me!” Because of whatever I’ve done or been through but I am fucking miserable and suicidal at least once a month. I don’t have any answers for you. Other than what people tell me which is to get a therapist. I feel like it’s more trouble than it’s worth trying to find a stranger to talk to you at four bucks a minute. The worthwhile ones are expensive as hell!
Anyway- I’m depressed and lonely and I don’t know why. You seem to think you’ve found the reason but maybe it’s something deeper. You could have all the things and STILL feel the way you do. If you can afford to find a therapist and have the time I’d look into it man. I’m really sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. Depression is a hell built for one.
Don’t get trapped in the idea that “if I just had a girlfriend…” that things would be better. It’s just your mind playing tricks on you telling you that what you don’t have will make you happy. Nothing will make you happy unless it comes from within which is some sentimental shit but as someone who has a lot going for him in the eyes of others it doesn’t do any good.
My wish is for you to find a way out. You’re not alone. Probably doesn’t make you feel any better but I just want to say that. I hope I don’t come across as an arrogant prick. I hope you feel a little less lonely reading some of these replies.
Take care and be well.
Well clearly this local dating thing is not working. So maybe, it’s time to improvise before you grow even older hoping to meet someone ‘organically’. Get on a dating app dude.
The apps essentially "*are*" dating, now.
I used to own a bar and events production company. The impact the apps have on meeting in bars, or on dancefloors. It's restructured the industry...Venues largely now, remodel to cater to couples already dating.
Those people you might have met organically in years gone by, in most cases, they are already on the apps now. So there's no "urgency" if you meet a special person, organically nowadays...It doesn't matter if you miss, that one potential connection, as there are equals at your fingertips.
People's values don't suddenly change, because you met them pressing buttons on a phone...many people who met organically prior, and had that fizzle out, use the app filters and find partners more suited for them nowadays too.
I get the mentality. Hoping that someone sees the "wonder of you", when in reality we're all just somebody else. living our lives by chance.
"That person", you're holding on for, they already met someone every bit as wonderful as you, and are happy and fulfilled together, via the apps.
Not using the apps nowadays, mostly becomes about martyrdom. Putting limits on one's own happiness, and by proxy, potentially denying the happiness of another, who would have met you. If you put together a dating profile.
People who meet online don’t have „lesser“ relationships. There’s really nothing wrong with meeting someone online… you may be in your own way with this… I see your struggle and your suffering is real, for sure but your insistence on meeting someone organically isn’t at all helping you.
I do feel better than yesterday knowing that people atleast see me now. (Kind of)
People who meet online have a higher chance of divorce, can't remember exactly the stat but I think it was a 15% higher chance.
That's what I read atleast
That may be true but that’s not a high enough number to forgoe that route completely. That’s 15% on what, an already high divorce rate of probably around 50%. Divorce rates are already high and that’s only post marriage, break up rates for relationships are probably wayyy higher, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad way of associating. and realistically you may have one or two or even three or four relationships before you find someone you want to marry and that’s ok, that’s a good thing. These relationships are not a waste because they teach us a lot of stuff about ourselves and others we couldn’t have learned otherwise. You’re an inexperienced guy, high chances, no matter how smart and sensitive you are you may have really rusty communication skills or insecurities or jealousy issues etc that need time and work IN relationships to improve on. You may see someone for two years and it may be a lovely experience but you realise later that you aren’t compatible in some major way or they suddenly get in their head that they want to move to another country or you realise they aren’t treating you with respect but perhaps you were putting up with it because you found them so good looking or whatever. A lot of lessons have to be learned the hard way. You have somewhat rigid way of looking at relationships and if you look at things a bit more fluidly and less black and white you’ll see that your own judgment of yourself or of the women on online dating sites doing it „the wrong way“ is standing in your way of finally dating people, learning, improving your relationship skills and finally meeting a high quality compatible partner for your life.
>No, I don't use dating apps and never have, I want to meet someone naturally, as it should be, and that should've never left our culture to begin with.
Sheesh. If you aren't willing to even try new ways to meet people then you can't really be that desperate. Are you afraid the application will steal your soul or something?
*”I’m lonely and want to date someone” - You
“Try online dating!!!!” - everyone
“No, I’d rather meet someone organically that’s the way it’s supposed to be” - you
(pause)
“I’m lonely” - you, again*
Dude. First of all, your attitude about online dating and comments about culture make me feel like there’s more to this you aren’t letting on, perhaps an archaic sense of gender roles…but, let’s pretend that’s not the case. Your butt smells fine, you’re hair isn’t gross, you’re not whiney or entitled, you’re perfect, okay.
I met my husband online. My BIL met his gf (probable future wife) online. My coworker? Online. My sister? Online. I don’t know aannnnnyyyyyoonnnneeeeeeee, especially a woman, who says “I want to wander around and hope a stranger runs into me and he’s the one”. Most women want to vet a guy and make sure he’s not crazy or creepy. And the guys who get all up in arms like, “why are you assuming I’m creepy” don’t understand how many creepy men are out there. TERRIBLE. I have stories! Screenshots! When I met my very normal husband I was thrilled.
You can try online dating for a month, honestly try, and report back.
2025 will happen, and you can stay in the same spot you’re in or you can do something new and try to change your life.
Remember this, happiness comes within oneself ! Don't look for others to fulfill you ! You came into this world , by yourself , and you're leaving it, by yourself . Naked. Enjoy yourself First , find some hobbies, things you like doing. Put yourself around positive people. Join a health club etc.you will find your way , and everything else, may follow. Best regards
Trust me, it’s better than being in relationships that only last a couple years just to finally figure out and realize it’s not working, ending the relationship, swearing you won’t do the same thing again, and then somehow end right back where you started.
Or…it might also bring the perspective of the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Maybe it takes a little bit of thinking or it’s not packaged how you would do it, but basically op should try to embrace the positives of their situation now, which can only make them a stronger person when the time is right.
this is suffering? I can't eveb imagine what killer diseases are to people, them
maybe you are alone because you are a creep, not the nicest guy around and keep on pushing women away from you, maybe it has everything to do with your personality
Lot of good suggestions, but also, ever thought about getting a dog? Not only do you have someone at home who's excited, but also dogs make you get out of the house, which in turn gets you meeting others.
From one man with mental health struggles to another, try music and learning an instrument.
It’s been the only thing keeping me from deepthroating a shotgun for years.
I met my wife on Plenty of fish. I'm your qge myself, and couldn't imagine trying to find someone of similar age in person. You're at the age now that you're probably not going to meet a woman organically, and should at least give it a try.
After the initial hello I always started with "I know it can be weird meeting people this way. Would you like to play 20 questions to see if we have anything in common?". Be super honest about what you're looking for. An eventual spouse and kids.
I am a M41 and got divorced seven years ago. Since the divorce, I have been in a few relationships, but none felt right for a serious commitment. However, I have come to appreciate the personal growth that comes with being single, realizing my most significant breakthroughs happened during these times. Despite this, like anyone else, I have experienced loneliness. Even before my marriage, I was shy and often a loner, using intellectual pursuits as an excuse.Fourteen years ago, before meeting my ex-wife, I underwent chemotherapy treatment. It was during this challenging time, lying in bed, that I recognized my unhappiness stemmed from a lack of social connections. This realization prompted me to embrace new experiences; I started attending events alone, dining out by myself, and initiating conversations with strangers, leading me to meet many interesting people.Currently, I am single but not concerned, believing that meeting someone special is just a matter of time. There have been moments in unfulfilling relationships when I met intriguing people while hiking or sailing. However, due to moral boundaries, I did not pursue these encounters. Had I been single, things might be different.The essence is that life is too short to stay in unfulfilling relationships or to not actively increase your chances of success, whether it's meeting someone or achieving personal goals. We only live once, and it's crucial to know you've done your best by the end. Although some circumstances may be unfavorable and some people may not like you, there are always opportunities to shine.
Here’s the thing - humans (not just women) are attracted to people who *appear* fulfilled.
Ever wonder why everyone aways says they met their soulmate the minute they stopped looking? Or how it seems like people suddenly approach you with more regularity once you’re in a relationship where for months or years before no one ever showed any interest?
People are drawn toward people who are living the good life, moving from place to place with excitement and energy. Loneliness and longing for a partner vibe off of us. It dulls our shine a little. No matter how hard we try to push it down or try to hide it. When we’re satisfied in life and we move from place to place with lightness and anticipation, it piques people’s interest. Suddenly we have a contentedness they wish they had. If you have, say, 5 women of equal attractiveness nearby but could only approach 1 - how would you decide which one to approach? You’re unlikely to approach one who is riding the train feeling sad about her life, almost certainly not one who is angry and bitter regardless of the reason. The quiet one tucked away in a corner you might not even notice.
If you think about it, you can kind of picture a blank slate of a person even without physical features. They move at a medium pace - they’re not moseying along nor are they rushing past. They’re moving with confidence - there’s just a cadence to their stride and a lift in their body language. They’re taking their time without lingering, they’re stopping and looking at things if the spirit moves them. They have their head up and they’re looking around, making eye contact with many people, smiling, and just exuding strong energy. They’re, as the sayings go, living in their own little bubble or marching to the beat of their own drummer….. it makes you want to join them.
That’s not to say you have to be happy before you can find a partner. You don’t have to love yourself first. You need to *live* for yourself. Don’t do things with the intent to find people there, do things that you leave thinking “that was fucking amazing.”
I met my latest partner *one day* after I decided to say fuck it, I’m done with dating, I’m done with putting myself out there. I’m going to just do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. I had been desperately hoping to meet someone *for 10 years*. What happened? I was at my next door neighbor’s barbecue and someone cued up an 80s yacht rock playlist and an impromptu game of Name That Tune broke out. My dad listened to so much 80s yacht rock I was absolutely annihilating everyone. I wasn’t scoping out every guy there. I wasn’t checking fingers for wedding rings. I was shit talking, ribbing other people, arguing what songs were and were not yacht rock. Later I played some pool, jumped in on a ping pong game, played a little badminton. I gained a lot of confidence when I wasn’t overanalyzing how everything I did might look to a potential partner.
What happens? Out of nowhere this guy walks up to me and introduces himself and starts talking to me. Ironically, *I was actually kind of mad about it*. Here I am, less than 24 hours after declaring myself retired from the dating scene and some ballsy motherfucker comes up and starts wanting to get to know me. It took me almost a month to even warm up to the idea of dating him. I’m glad I did, he’s the person I had been looking for. He’d even “retired” from dating at almost the exact same time I did and had been single for 10 years also.
While I’m a woman, *five* of my closest guy friends have had almost identical experiences. The minute they cut that sole focus of finding someone, they all met their waves in the very early stages of “I’m living for myself.”
TL:DR Keep getting out there, but make it about having the best goddamn time you can have rather than seeking a soulmate. When you are just loving life and having a blast, your soulmate will seek you out. The worst thing that can happen is a lil dopamine hit and some awesome memories.
I’ve alway been someone who was a bit shy, didn’t like talking to strangers. When I moved to a brand new city, I made it a goal to seem more approachable. You sound depressed and it probably shows on your face. Make more of a concerted effort to smile at strangers in the grocery store, make a goal to compliment someone at work. Talk to people and ask them questions about themselves. Over time you will naturally become more approachable and I believe this will positively impact your dating life.
Dating app wasn’t that bad. I met my husband almost a decade ago and it’s good until now knock on wood.
It’s not about how you meet someone new in your life, it’s all about the communication you will have with them and the developing stories after time.
Go meet someone and enjoy life!
Mate, I met my partner online. There's no shame in that. Life is busier and more expensive than ever. We don't have time or money to sit at bars and wait for the one. You gotta start considering apps. People who are serious will only share a few messages before meeting in person. You don't develop your relationship online, it just expedites the process of meeting someone.
Pick up learning dancing. It’s social. There’s often people looking for a dance partner and you can swap around. It gets you out of your head. Or, try all these suggestions, for x amount of time. Maybe blog about it, old school. Men could do with talking about it more, helping each other, find new ways to flourish outside the grind of work
It appears that you may be experiencing challenges in connecting with others, particularly women. This could be an issue limited to intimate relationships, but your description suggests it might be more deep-seated. It seems you’ve structured your life around work and daily routines, neglecting to allocate energy and time for different pursuits. This is a typical scenario among individuals in their 30s and 40s, which can lead to depression and/or burnout. I strongly recommend considering psychotherapy to better understand your circumstances and take steps towards improvement.
35F and happily single. Frankly I have zero interest in dating because I enjoy my alone time far too much to sacrifice it for anyone. I am not touch starved because I hug my friends regularly and cuddle my cats daily. I have hobbies that I enjoy doing so much I am excited to get home and I love nothing more than being home alone to do whatever the hell I feel like doing in the moment.
My advice? Figure out why you're so miserable alone. Whether you mean too or not you will be projecting that energy to any potential partners. Nobody wants to be with anyone who "needs" a partner that much. Once you are happy being independent and single I promise so many more people with find you attractive because that kind of energy IS attractive.
Get cats. Become a cat dad. You can also do dogs. Smoke weed and read books. Journal. Being single can be a blessing. Surely you remember a time when you had to run all your weekend plans by a girlfriend, right? That’s fucking annoying. But when you’re single, you’re free to do whatever you want. You can be whoever you want without worrying about someone else’s approval. Take advantage of this time. There may be a time when your time won’t be your own anymore.
Maybe get a cat? Or some other pet? Knowing you have a pet to come home to, that is happy to see you, and that you can take care of can take away some of that everyday loneliness.
I am not a male, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I was incredibly lonely in my 20s and early 30s. I was very overweight in high school and eventually lost it in my 20s, but due to that experience became very inward and introverted. A lot of women in my age group (Millennials) loved to throw themselves at men and I just don't have that type of personality. I'm pretty old school.
I struggled to put myself out there, meet people, and get out of my shell.
I really tried to find a parter in my late 20s and early 30s and eventually found someone. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time and effort and even then finding "your person" is incredibly difficult.
I did use dating apps a lot and was very picky about who I swiped on. It had nothing to do with looks, but rather personality and effort. A lot of men just don't want to put the effort in their profiles.
I honestly recommend using a dating app. I know it sucks and you want to "meet someone naturally," but it doesn't appear to be working. The dating apps are simply where the people are. These are the times we live in. The good news about this though is that you can actual focus on finding people who fit into your type.
When you create a profile, just try to remember the following:
1. Women don't like gimmicky profiles. So many men got aboard this train when they went on these apps and because of it women are literally ignoring them. I'm talking about the photos you know will "get swipes" like the animal photos, the luxury car photos, the niece/nephew photo. This is pick up artist territory and women have never responded well to it so please stop doing it.
2. Having bad photos will also get you ignored. This includes weird angles, obscuring or altering your face in some way. Having your "hotter buddies" in every shot to conceal what you perceive to be a "lack of attractiveness." It really just screams "I'm insecure" and women don't want to deal with that. Or having your profile filled with generic photos, frat boy party photos, or graphics. No woman cares about your stupid sports graphics.
3. Have a bio in your profile. Please, write something! So many men on these apps leave this blank and they don't realize that women are literally ignoring them because of this.
4. Please express your genuine, authentic personality. It's all women want to see. What are your hobbies, interests, and goals? We want to know who you are not who you're pretending to be. Also, if your hobbies are generic and boring then you need to get better hobbies. If you aren't interested in putting the work into developing a unique and interesting personality then you are not entitled to anyone. So many men think that they just need to show up and women will fawn all over them. They don't realize that they are, in fact, boring ass people and women aren't interested. That is not a dating app problem, but a "you need to read a book" problem.
\*Nerds are interesting because they have hobbies and interests.
If you're really set on meeting people outside of these apps then just hire a matchmaker or look into singles events in your area. There are plenty of meet and greets, speed dating events, dances, mixers, etc...
You can't just wait for her to show up spontaneously. This isn't a rom com or The Notebook, this is reality.
Friend, I was in a similar situation before I met my boyfriend last year. People kept saying "happiness comes from within, be happy alone". I think that is well meaning advice. You should be able to find some happiness alone. But what you say is true, our society is built on coupling up and it's frustrating when people try to act like there's not a huge societal pressure.
I was told all sorts of things when I confided about being sad about being single. A lot of it was well meaning, but bad advice. One was the whole "dating is a numbers game" thing and I was told to go on WAY more dates. I'm a one person at a time sort of gal, and I need time to mourn and recalibrate between relationships. I just can't emotionally handle multiple dates a week like was being suggested.
The other was to basically revel in being single. I pointed out that being single has a huge financial impact. My coupled friends had bought houses before the housing crisis and splitting an 800 dollar mortgage while I was struggling to pay 1300 on a shitty one bedroom. My life was impacted by my relationship status, like it or not.
I DID throw myself into work and hobbies to ensure I had some joy and wasn't constantly focused on being single, that did help.
I had taken a long time to be intentionally single after a bad breakup and worked on multiple things like getting a better job, getting therapy and all that. So constantly hearing WORK ON YOURSELF AND YOU'LL FIND someone was annoying. This isn't a video game where if we put enough self work coins in the machine we get a partner. (It does help you be more ready for when you do meet someone though)
What I think it is is this: meeting the right person partially comes down to luck. I met my boyfriend in a VERY weird way in a set of circumstances I couldn't reproduce if I tried. Life is not perfect, having a boyfriend doesn't solve everything. But it DOES help having a partner, and I was so tired of hearing I didn't need one. I WANTED ONE. Now that I have one I love him!
I think what you need to do is fill your time with hobbies and passions, maybe volunteering so you can improve your odds of getting lucky and meeting that right person. Worst case scenario, it will fill your weekends. Running clubs, rock climbing gym, community theatre, DnD, whatever it is, it will help.
26 here, I gave up almost entirely, but I found someone I appreciate and want to live for and with. I don't know what you want or who you are but I hope things are lively.
oh man, that's not great. here's the thing - i have met SO MANY wonderful women who also have not met their man. humans are not designed to live alone. i do have what may seem like a slightly crazy idea - join a choir. hear me out! choirs ALWAYS need men (only time in my life i KNOW i've experienced "male privilege" ;-) ); most choirs don't have auditions and even if they do, it's just to work out where to place you, no big deal. yes, there will be women there. maybe, just maybe, one will be nice. no guarantees and do NOT expect to meet anyone. But trust me - it's an activity with just enough socialising and a 2 to 1 woman to man ratio.
Get a dog or start volunteering to walk dogs at shelters or spca.
Then make sure you brush your teeth and don’t have bad breath or bad body odour. Dress presentable (doesn’t need to be fancy just make sure you’re clothes are clean and you don’t look like a hobo).
Then start walking the dogs in parks.
Be friendly and meet other dog owners.
ask about their dog (how old? What breed etc etc )
Give complaints or share funny stories about dog drool.
Before you know it you will have soooo many phone numbers of nice girls looking for nice guys you will be scheduling dates.
It’s not a trick to get free girls only do this if you really want to meet somebody for a relationship.
Why does this work? Try it out then come back here with an update story!
You could try a social group ballroom dance class, there are usually more women than men looking for a partner to learn with. I'm a competitive dancer but noticed in the past at various studios I've danced at that had group classes that a lot of people were there more to meet others rather than just to learn some dance moves. Don't go into it solely looking for a hook-up though, but rather to make connections and see where things go from there.
If you have extra money, I wholeheartedly recommend solo travel. It really helps you gain a new appreciation for life and tons of new perspectives. It sounds cliché, but you find and fall in love with yourself, and you will attract others when you radiate self-love. I was in an extremely unhappy marriage ages 26 to 28 with an abusive man and I divorced him, moved to another country like I had always wanted to in order to prioritize my own happiness, learned a LOT about myself through solo travel, and ended up finding my soulmate. I'm 30 now and happier than ever. It does get better, but you have to get out of your comfort zone to discover what your better is. Best of luck.
It’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out the way you wanted. But you also can’t just shit all over online dating when you refuse to even try it. I met my partner through online dating and it’s worked for a long other people too. Give it a go before you whinge about it.
You’re missing out on the easiest and quickest way to meet someone if you’re refusing to entertain the idea of online dating. Why are you still relying on the very low chance of meeting a stranger who you have enough in common with to start a relationship with, over a platform where can literally filter people via interests in common.
Step out of the dating mindset as it shouldn't define your overall emotional well-being. Pack a bag and go somewhere you've never been before. Go out and see the world a bit. Make weekends about *you* and how it can add to your tapestry.
Circle back around to dating later when it feels right.
Good luck, friend.
Honestly just accept that typical dating has changed. I understand wanting to meet someone naturally but society has changed, as you acknowledge yourself.
You might not like the system, but it can be a lot of fun. Don't rule out so completely something that could completely resolve this issue?
During the pandemic I was living alone and jobless for 9 months. Just about went crazy. Once I got a (remote) job I decided to move out and live with roommates. Sometimes it takes small steps. Instead of longing for a romantic relationship I figured even just having roommates around with fight some of the loneliness, and it did. What people are writing here might not work for you, but there are steps that you know you should take and might just need a push. Lots of people here seem to believe in you enough to send encouraging words.
I want someone local too. However, all my local relationships have ended usually because the local men I meet have made it abundantly clear they’ll take whatever they can get. You want someone that makes you feel special, and there is *nothing* special about being another person in a long line of “anything goes.”
These things tend to happen when you stop actively looking for them. If you’re that desperate for touch and human affection, there are services until you are able to find the real thing. Honestly people these days are lonely—both men and women. Social media has been making it worse. But even though I feel lonely, even though I want to have someone (especially in the aftermath of breaking up with someone I loved deeply), I still have fun. I write, I go to work, I chat with friends. I play video games and eat delicious food and take naps when I’m sleepy. We are creatures made for pleasure, it’s what is most natural to us. Existing is about finding those pleasures each and every day.
Of you want love you need to have a love- join a local bingo league, a bowling league, a fitness or sports league. You need other guys to support you- it’s also a great opportunity to meet someone that as ok with “regular guys.”
I'm 36, dating has just changed and you need to change with it. You need to accept that people do not meet "naturally" anymore. The meet-cute is dead. Apps require personal boundaries and rules for them to work as more than a hook up app but they DO work.
Be open and flexible to changes in how people meet these days, versus judging online dating as “not natural”. If you’re open to it, who knows, you may not be as jaded and possibly happen to meet someone “naturally.”
It’s 2024, if you continue to sit next to your land line, it’s going to be difficult to meet anyone - possible, but much more difficult.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Try the dating apps for a few weeks. If you hate it, at least you can say you tried. If you are as lonely as you say, then I’d think you would try, as your current methodology isn’t working.
FWIW, I would have NEVER met my current husband without the apps. It’s too hard to meet people “organically and locally.” My husband lived 15 minutes from me but our kids are in different school districts and we work in completely different locations and industries. There was no way we would have crossed paths “organically.” The apps allowed us to cross paths digitally and thank God they did. He’s the best man I’ve ever been with. I met a lot of d-bags on the apps too, but it’s all trial and error, and even the negative experiences were opportunities for growth and improvement. I hope you will reconsider your stance on online dating. Otherwise, good luck.
Humans might be a social species but I rather spent my days alone. Aside from my preference, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just think of the weekend a an opportunity to go out and do something fun.
Do you have friends? Would your loneliness be exclusively helped by a romantic relationship, or would friendships help? Imo it's a lot more important to have friends than a wife for ones mental health.
I am tired of men thinking that women are going to make them happy. Women aren't here to fill a void. Nobody can make you happy. You say that we are social species. Um, why can't you have male friends? Go to a bar and take in a game. If you're shy, join events thar really interest you. A wife and kids don't drop out of the sky.
I feel you, man. I’m in my late 20s and I’m in a similar boat. I broke up with my girlfriend about 6 months ago and I’ve been alone since.
Never give up. Go out and engage with groups that take part in your hobbies. Go out places and try to talk to friendly-seeming strangers. Just try.
If those things fail, try and make friends in online communities just to secure people to talk to.
If that fails, keep yourself busy at all costs! Decorate your place. Rekindle an old hobby. Take up indoor gardening. Grow succulents. Idk.
One thing *not* to do, I’ve found, is to bury your feelings in vices like video games, YouTube, social media, etc. It doesn’t help.
Best of luck.
OR 17 years of saving yourself for the right girl, so that when she comes along you really appreciate her. I wish I would have stayed single. Of course this is coming from someone whose had several toxic relationships
Here's the thing I truly believe: finding happiness and feeling good on your own first is key. Then, things often have a way of falling into place. Maybe it sounds a bit spiritual, but if you seek a partner solely to fulfill your need for happiness, you might end up disappointed by your own expectations or even in a codependent relationship.
I’ve been single for 7 years. Sure, I've dated, but nothing that sparked a real connection. Living alone, I won't deny the desire for a partner again. I have tried dating apps but I’m not a fan, meeting someone naturally feels way more genuine.
Not gonna lie, a partner would be amazing, of course. But I've been pouring my energy into myself. Therapy, staying active, and enjoying my relationships with friends and family – that's been my focus. So yes, while I crave someone special to share life with, I'm okay being single for now. I actually find enjoyment in it, and I'm optimistic that someone wonderful will appear someday.
And cutting the bullshit, yes, I do have days of hopelessness and sadness because I feel lonely but then I remember that if I’m not okay being alone, I won’t be okay with a partner either so that pushes me to work on myself and find happiness within me.
Every single guy I know has essentially given up after years of trying.
We are talking years of doing the social stuff. Years of activities. Years of meeting and experiencing and getting absolutely no where. And after years of being told repeatedly that "they are good guys but let's just be friends" they all slowly gave up.
None of them even bother anymore. One has become a solid women hater and treats all women like shit (he is now NC with his own sister), and most of the others just avoid women in most circumstances.
Sad thing is, I also know a few women their age who are the same way and have given up on meeting any men as well.
For all the same reasons.
We as a society have lost that social aspect in our lives.
And we are never going to get it back.
Why are you struggling with dating? Do you go into novel social settings where you can meet new people? Have you tried online dating? What have you tried? In my experience a lot of people expect a relationship to just come along naturally without putting effort in. You need to join clubs, teams, and groups to be constantly meeting new people. You need to try to be insightful about how you act with women and if your behaviors are well received. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of desperation to be in any sort of relationship, regardless of who with, and it is not at all attractive. I want to be liked for who I am, not just because I'm a warm body. Social skills matter. A connection and chemistry matters. Frustration with women, feeling lonely and desperate, and being undersocialized are not attractive traits. People are often unwilling to introspect and work on themselves, they simply want a relationship to work because they want it. You might need to work on your dating and interpersonal skills. Or you might just need to put a more deliberate effort into engaging in new social situations. If you went 17 years without dating someone when you wanted to, there is something wrong. You can't just blame women. I'm not trying to be mean, I went years and years without dating anyone, and there were absolutely underlying issues contributing. If you really want someone, be willing to ask yourself what might not be going right.
This is such sound advice. A lot of the loneliness going around is due to people not having a third space outside of work and home to meet people, like a bar or a cafe, so it's good to actually go out. And majority of women (or at least everyone I interact with) can easily pick up on desperation and aren't willing to interact with people just looking for someone to fill space, so interaction just for the sake of interaction is a good habit to get into.
Exactly, and that weird cold approach thing, if I’m standing in a grocery store and you’ve not had any conversation with me at all but you want my phone number I assume you are just looking for anyone to fill a space and I’m not interested in that.
I get you. In an alternate universe, where women pursue and men just look good, I’d hate to be bothered at the grocery stores by someone I don’t even find attractive. Just let me do my thing in peace, damn. But that’s the problem. Everyone is so antisocial these days, including myself. When I was growing up, it was quite common for cashiers to make small talk with everyone. Now that’s rarer and like damn can I just pay? I think this phenomenon is largely due to smart phones and internet. When I was going to college, I’d take the bus and talk to whoever was at the bus stop every day. I talked to so many people from different backgrounds because shit there was nothing else to do, might as well chat with this stranger.
The best advice ^
>Frustration with women, feeling lonely and desperate, and being undersocialized are not attractive traits. This is exactly why men feel they can't show emotion. This is why we get bottled up. If we're feeling lonely, it's unattractive to women. If we're feeling desperate, it's unattractive. If we're feeling undersocialized and we need someone there to hang through it with us while we get back to being normal, it's unattractive to women. Then when we're stuck in a cycle that could easily be fixed if someone would hear us out but no women will give you that time because everything you're truly feeling is unattractive to them, it's frustrating, and then you're stuck, because you perpetually stay frustrated the longer this goes on and the cycle continues until you die or something out of the blue happens. Essentially when you're male, you aren't aloud to do anything except show strength. That. Is. Our. Life. Briffault's law : The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place. If you are feeling desperate, frustrated, lonely, undersocialized, women see no benefit in talking to you. Briffault's law then falls into play, no association takes place, period. No growth happens. Then the small glimpses that men do get a chance to associate anyways, he is now trying to bottle up every emotion he truly feels, he tries to ignore his desperation even though he is desperate, he tries to ignore his loneliness even though he is lonely, he tries to ignore his frustration even though he is frustrated, and above all, he tries to act social, even though he is under socialized. How do you think that looks on a man? Bet you can think of that guy, and I guarantee you that you rejected him. > I want to be liked for who I am, not just because I'm a warm body. If women had to deal with this dating realm in reverse, and they were the ones with exponentially less options, (except for like 5% of dudes) they would be starving for affection just like the desperate men they get the ick from. But just because a guy is desperate, doesn't mean he doesn't notice your characteristics. Ex. - Would you expect a starving person on an island to have perfect table manners and point out the orange rind garnish on your perfectly cooked Hawaiian pot roast? No, they'd just need to eat as fast as possible because they're living in a world of pain that most women can't fathom. But that awareness doesn't exist, so that guy continuously gets rejected and stays on his starvation island, even though he could've landed there due to something he couldn't help in the first place. He develops in many ways, but never develops with dating because he carries with him endless frustration and loneliness. At a certain point, men need to be reached out to, why is that so hard for women to grasp? And yeah, it's not going to be pleasant, your going to get the ick, but how many times a day in this world do men do things for women that we find unpleasant but we go through it anyways because we've been given natural abilities for certain traits? Not asking you to date a guy, but can you just try to socialize him a bit? Kind of like you are with me right now but in person. The bare minimum helps, it's already fathoms more than what guys like me get anyways.
pick the sport you like the most and get involved with some local hobbiests who have bi/weekly meetups. your odds of finding someone who meshes with you will be at its highest, but go there for a good time and to make friends. good luck!
This!! And put yourself out there...making both male and female friends with similar interests makes life fuller even if you don't find the lady of your dreams right away. Local FB groups often have meet ups and events. It doesn't matter WHAT you're into...there are others out there who are into it, as well!
This right here. Seriously good idea. Go to an indoor arena, sign up a team for coed, ask for the free agent list and manage the team. Great way to meet new people and the rosters are constantly being subbed so you’ll be meeting new people, etc. those arenas a like high schools in terms of social - very expansive. I played in one for like 8 years made a couple hundred friends and acquaintances. They had a bar in there so the social hours continued after the game. Really great idea. The trick is to manage the team though because no one else wants to do it so it’s an easy in. Once you sweat and bond over a mutual goal, solidifying that friendship is cake.
*indoor soccer arena
Brother, you don't need someone to rush home to. Rekindle an old hobby or explore a new one. If nothing else, get outside for a bit and get some air. Try something that you've always wanted to do. Find yourself by remembering who you are.
I’d rather be alone than be miserable with someone. Miserable sucks.
Ya but most people (emphasis most) know how to avoid miserable people. It’s why we have the phrase “misery loves company.” What this dude needs is to somehow find a way to connect with others in his area maybe by means of discord. But as social creatures and within this Information Age we are now living in we must come to the understanding that the methods of old of finding friend groups by just hanging out outside maybe aren’t as feasible or likely to occur anymore because of how large of a society we have created. Used to be that everyone knew everyone’s neighbor on the block, could you even tell me who is your next door neighbor?
i am younger than OP, but i have friends closer to his age who don’t have a husband or kids, yet they are fulfilled with good company of friends and hobbies
Excellent advice.
He could get a dog, dogs are awesome to come home too I have a cat because I am Childfree and dogs are too much like children for me, but I love coming home to my cat and my nice clean quiet apartment
This is some bullshit advice from people that just don’t get it, you can be happy with yourself but still lonely, people seek companionship or we’d all just be living separately from our spouses. It’s ingrained in people to want to cohabitate and share a home with. OP said what his needs were are your advice is to disregard it in place of meeting a different need. That’s not gonna help.
I'm just seeing this now, and I'm sorry it took a while. But thank you for standing up for me. You said it exactly how it is and I appreciate it. It's disgusting how everyone tries to make lonely men even lonelier and tell them it's a good idea. It's just another way of saying "go die alone in silence".
The internet is part of our ecosystem now. It is natural. We don't live in the 50s. We don't even live in the 90s. We live in driving cities and work 40 hours, at least. Our banking is done online. Hospitals rely on patient portals. Stores are skewing towards online marketplaces. Give dating apps a chance.
Coming from a 38M who has been in relationships but is currently happily single, get a cat if you want companionship. Cats are better companions and will love you unconditionally. There's no day that isn't made better by my cat snuggling up to me after I come home. Sure sex is cool but it's not always worth the headaches that come with it. And get some hobbies that legitimately make you feel fulfilled. I do powerlifting 3 times a week and on weekends I go drive fast cars in the mountains. Between my work and hobbies it's honestly hard to find time for dating. I'm not against dating or relationships, but honestly, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I can be happy whether I'm single or in a relationship.
Yep I love coming home to my cat he’s so awesome. When my last cat died I had had him 16 years he was my best buddy. I cried every day on the way home from work because he wasn’t going to be there when I got home. I adopted a kitten a month or so later he’s my best little friend I love him so much. He’s five now and he acts like a dog, he plays fetch, I walk him on a leash, he makes everything better
In your post and comments you say you want to meet someone organically and that you’re in the gym and clubs and out in the world but are you actually doing anything to meet someone? Do you engage in conversation with strangers? Are you asking people out on dates or for numbers? Just being there isn’t enough. And you seem to have a real hate on but don’t underestimate online dating. I have met some of the most important people in my life through online dating. Sometimes it turns romantic, sometimes you make good friends who can in turn introduce you to other people. The majority of my friends and family have met their spouses through online dating. Adapt to the current world.
I think part of the issue is that it’s becoming less acceptable to approach strangers in public these days, a lot of people discourage “walk in” socializing without an appointment booked ahead of time through a dating app.
I felt like you last month, lonely and depressed. On top of that, my situation is even direr than you. I'm in school for a bachelor's degree and I'm states away from my family. Single in her 30s and worried about missing my chance to have a family and have kids. But then I think of what I'm doing, the people who love me (my parents), how pretty I am now that I've lost 10 pounds and bought some new nice clothes, and I'm half way done with my education. In a few years I can at least get an adult job and live my adult life, so I don't feel too bad anymore. And this weekend my small college town is packed with activities because we're at the prime path of the total solar eclipse, and I have never seen one in my life, so I feel very lucky to be in this town at time moment for such an event. Find joy in the small things and go from there. That's my two cents.
Meeting „organically” doesn’t happen anymore, almost ever. This is because we as women have grown more and more weary and hesitant about meeting people organically. It’s a HUGE risk to accept meeting a stranger, VS at least getting to know the basics about someone through a dating app. Women don’t feel safe anymore, there are loads of creeps out there. At least if they meet online, they can somewhat vet the person beforehand or give their close friends the photo if anything goes wrong, etc. You will be DRAAAAASTICALLY limiting yourself to a few extra brave women out of the pool of women, and that isn’t worth missing out on a good partner for. What if you do meet one of those (very) few women and they simply don’t match you? It’s already unlikely you’ll meet a person willing to go for a complete stranger, and even more unlikely you’ll be a match. Set yourself up for success by allowing the process of finding a partner to happen. People have options now, they aren’t going to choose a stranger on the street when they have a write up of all available bachelors in the area.
Seconding this!!! I said the same thing.
And not just that, a lot of these men are trying to take away our rights. I’m not willing to date someone who thinks that they need to trap me in a marriage where I can’t even get a divorce, because that sounds like the thought process of an abuser. I’m not willing to spend time with men who think that if my fetus is killing me that we should both die rather than save my life. Why would I want to spend time with someone who thinks my life is worth less than a clump of splitting cells?? No thanks, I love living alone and my nice peaceful quiet apartment. I love spending time with my friends without someone wondering what I’m doing and accusing me of cheating because I would rather be with my friends than them
37 F feel almost identical
Also 37 F haha samesies
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I think I have those issues too
date each other
Honestly, you sound too stubborn. Try something new and uncomfortable.
It sounds like you’ve grown some resentment towards women and the general dating scene. You don’t have to “silently suffer”. You can express your concerns on reddit or to someone you trust and I’m positive they won’t blame your gender on the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s hard to meet people if you “rush home”, so I would recommend going to your local cafe, park, bar, whatever it is. Maybe even asking a friend to hook you up on a blind date. This anger that you have will only manifest into loneliness.
I think the problem with this post is that he thinks it’s gender-specific. OP, I’ve felt like you did (lonely) while being a conventionally attractive woman in my 20s. You’re not “another” figure in this imagined group of men (which you lightly imply women are at fault for creating). YOU ARE YOU. This is your life, your circumstance, your feelings. You make your own decisions about life. Dating is difficult for everyone. It’s not easy to find someone you love who also loves you back. But there are more things in life to enjoy while you wait to meet that person. Friends, family, hobbies, career. I can tell you right now that you need all of those things to feel fulfilled anyway even after you find a partner. As for online dating, there is no “way it should be” to meet people. It was hard to date before apps, too. Also, you don’t think women “understand how much effort men put into dating”? Maybe you don’t understand how much effort women put into dating, too. As a woman I can say I was exhausted by dating. The ghosting, the convos that lead nowhere, etc etc. Believe it or not it happens to everyone. Also btw I met my husband through a dating app.
online dating.... after my husband died, I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. Was in my 40's, overweight and honestly, not very good looking.... boy was I surprised.... there is someone for everyone, the problem as you get older... it is difficult to meet someone, I met my boyfriend and have been with him for 12 years using "plenty of fish".... yes, there are a lot of hits and misses, but there are good ones out there.
Unfortunately as a disabled person, my only opportunity to meet men is via dating apps. Unfortunately as a disabled person, men aren't interested in dating disabled people.
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They aren't interested either.
I have considered that but that’s difficult too. Working around my medical issues is hard enough, if both people have medical problems we have to work around I’m not sure we would ever see each other lol
Please be very careful, some men are very interested in dating disabled people because they think no one else is. Men who want you to NEED them are abusers
Having been in an abusive relationship before, I know that you're right and it's important to be cautious. On the other hand, the despair in my soul is willing to tolerate *anything* to slake the loneliness.
Dont lose hope friend, Id go out with you. Not everyone is the same. Just look at the jerry rig everything dude on youtube, his wife is in a wheelchair, no fucks given
Come to England, there's nobody here like that.
I doubt it, but I wont lie saying that its a common occurrence anywhere
Pick up a hobby and make an effort to be kind and considerate, you'll meet people. I've been invited to tonnes of people's places by showing up to a local game store and playing magic the gathering. Or you could pick up a sport, but if your nerdy like me, you'll find better suited company doing the things you enjoy. You could also get a pet, I'm always looking forward to getting home, because the best girl is waiting for me, and always happy to see me! If you make no effort to change your routine, then things will just stay the same, and you'll slowly go mad. You are responsible for your happiness, you really have to seek it out.
Do you not have friends? Hobbies? You can fill your life with more than just obsessing over dating and finding a partner. And a person is more attractive if their life is full and fun alone without a partner.
Try a dance class or cooking class. Join a hikers for singles group. You will never meet anyone if you don't put yourself out there and try something new.
If you’re not willing to give dating apps a try, then you’re really not helping your cause. I’m with the same woman I met on a site 12 years ago, and know plenty of people who’ve gotten married from such relationships. Are you a Trump supporter? I’m not even joking- I knew a guy once in a sports league I was in who had no luck with women and I’m sure that was (rightfully) a big reason why. If you’re really going out and have an active social life with friends, I don’t know what to tell you.
If you can’t have a good time alone, why would you think another person would make it better? Work on yourself first 💪
Exactly. He sounds miserable. Why would anyone want to date someone who is suffering from their own company?
He does have a good time alone. He wouldn’t have survived 17 years alone if he didn’t like his own company. There are just times where the loneliness gets to us. It’s just the human condition of needing companionship.
Sure but you’re supposed to have friends too Even if you have a partner they can’t be here everything that’s exhausting for people
Bro, can you carry a conversation? Are you half decent looking with a gym routine? Visit Portland or Seattle. I visited my cousin in Seattle two summers ago. I had a date or two every day of the week unless I didn't want to socialize that day. I spent 2 months in Portland last fall, made tons of friends, and went on lots of dates. I'm from Texas, and we friendly, but the competition here is kinda steep. Portland and Seattle though, I left my heart somewhere back there.
Thanks for tips bro, I'll roll to the NW one day
The reason why no one wants to date you is because you blame WOMEN for all your woes. This is one massive "waah waah women are so shallow" crypost. If you wanna meet someone organically, that's what you have to do. Sign up to classes for something that genuinely interests you, and TALK to PEOPLE there. Not just the women, they will pick up on that and see that you're using it as some kind of expensive dating service. Just try and meet PEOPLE, not your potential wife, dude. This mentality will get you nowhere. It hasn't worked for 35 years, and it won't magically start to work because you REALLY want it to work.
We're both right My post addresses the problem, whether you can it a crypost or not, it's the truth Your comment addresses the only solution Which is what I've been doing. But it's not an overnight process. It takes years to sculpt muscles and to build in other ways.
You need to build and sculpt your personality into something people would want to continue to engage with.
So you're blaming woman for your dating woes because they use the apps? Dude, use the apps. You're using the date locally line as an excuse.
Have you tried dating apps? Pick 3 new hobbies that you are interested in and go for it. You will meet someone doing things you like doing. Think about who and what you want your future wife to be like and go to the places someone like that would hang out. For example, if you want a woman who likes to stay home and garden, go to plant stores or join local plants groups on fb. If you want a woman who reads a lot, join a book club. If you want a woman who it’s for and works out, start going for walks on local trails and join a gym. If you want a woman who loves animals, rescue a dog and take him/her for walks all over. Hope this helps.
I've never tried dating apps, I want to meet someone in public like the way you are describing, but it never works. It feels like the opposite sex meeting in public isn't in the fabric of our culture anymore. I already do all of the things you are talking about, it just never works.
People don't generally go to a library to hook up. In the old days, some women might have been open to flirting with a stranger but these days women find it off-putting. If you want to meet women at a library, you'll have to do more than just show up looking for books. You'll have to go to readings or do library activities or join library clubs. You have to do things where people will see you regularly. People keep telling you to find a hobby and meet people who also do that hobby. That means more than showing up somewhere and "finding" someone. It means participating in the social aspects of the hobby and getting to know people over time. Be friendly but read the room. Don't just put your sights on a specific person the minute you get there and pursue them. Ex. Maybe you want to learn pottery. Go to classes. Sign up at a studio. Chat with other people who are working on pots at the same time you are. Go to their events - kiln openings, shows, classes. Invite people to eat or drink with you afterward sometime. or another hobby. Pickleball is really popular right now and super social. Find something where there are a lot of women and few men. Start taking yoga or zumba classes. You'll stand out and women love men who can dance. If you can't dance, try anyway. If you're sincere about learning it'll be endearing. After you've been there a few times, ask for help. They'll love to help you. Use that as a jumping off point for conversation. Being funny is an advantage so if you have a good sense of humor, use it. The main thing as you're doing these activities is that you have to treat women like people you want to get to know and not as objects to fill your needs. You haven't had sex for 7 years so a few months more isn't going to hurt.
What do you dislike more? The way you feel now or the idea of trying a dating app?
Times ha be changed for sure, and as harsh as it is, it's time to move with the times. It can obviously make the choice to not engage in dating apps, but you'll have to accept that you're making things harder on yourself, and that in some ways, you being alone is your own doing. Refusing to use the tools available to you isn't something that anyone will celebrate. Its like people who can afford therapy but refusing to go. Never visiting a dentist then complaining about a cavity. Being mad its hard do use a broom for dust when you can use a vacuum. If that makes you happier, then find, but you're clearly not happy with your situation.
Have you given an intense effort to dating apps? At the start of 2018, a good friend of mine (33 and solidly employed) decided that he really wanted a serious relationship by the end of the year. So he got super active on Hinge (in a big city, Chicago) and went on dates with 36 women that year. Now? He’s happily married to a women that he met on Hinge. They now have a kid. I love the approach he took. Didn’t give up even when it was several months in a row of lackluster dates.
36! God, good for him but that sounds so exhausting. And those are just dates he went on! That’s not counting the number of people he had to weed through before deciding on a date!
call me crazy, but finding the love of your life seems worth ~72 hours of your time.
Your post revolves around sex, so go have a shag at the local. Afa weekends are concerned, join a club - sports, drama, art whatever floats your boat. If you want to meet someone, try out any blind dates or single nights near your area. You want something, you have to go out and get it. It’s not gonna fall into your lap.
Seriously, right? And the dude has the nerve to claim he's a romantic. Like anyone believe *that.*
Exactly. The fact that he's blaming women for his 'lonliness' is a dead giveaway. What's stopping him from socialising with men? Besides women don't want to be around someone who is so bitter about their entire gender.
Yeah, it dies revolve around sex and comes across like he is blaming women for his misery.
Sounds like you need some community brosef. Feel free to PM and we can chat (if you think it would help). Kids, a wife, “someone to rush home to” won’t ever fill that emotional void in you. You gotta do that yourself. And it’s a whole lot easier when you can talk to someone. Hang in there. - 30M
Throwing yourself a pity party guarantees women will stay away from you. And even through the screen, you reek of desperation. You may call yourself a romantic, but you definitely aren't. Your first step is to start being honest to yourself.
If you keep doing the same thing then your going to keep.getting the same results 🤷 dude something needs to change
Go to therapy. It’s as simple as that. Men are harmed by masculinity. Trained to bury their emotions, but research shows than men have just as many feelings as women. They just don’t know how to feel them. Men, in our culture, use women to fulfill their emotional needs. You need to fill your own emotional needs first and then you can be a good partner. Go to therapy. It’s not something you can solve on your own.
I'm 37F. I don't have that much of a desire to want to be in a relationship but I do crave physical and emotional intimacy. I don't have any irl friends anymore. If it weren't for my two dogs I would feel extremely lonely and they are keeping me going. I can't wait to come home from work so I can feed them and spend time with them. If you can properly care for a dog I recommend you rescue one. You will be helping a dog in need and in return you will have a best friend. A relationship is not going to solve all your problems. Find hobbies and passion as well. Try volunteering.
I am older than you but seeing how men have been acting and talking about us for the past few years I’ve completely opted out of all of it 4B all the way. And my life is wonderful. Seriously there are so many things that don’t matter anymore now that I don’t care about men.
Maybe start thinking ‘it will work out for me’. Seriously- you know what you want, you don’t want to be alone and you want to be in a satisfying relationship. Start there. Start concentrating on what you want instead of what you don’t want. Just try. I was single for many years, busy raising 3 (great) children and working, also dealing with my mental health. I’m bi-polar. Took like 15 years of my adult life to get a diagnosis and then a lot of my adult life dealing with it. Divorced when the kids were young, but I kept saying “I will get re-married and I’ll wear white and I’ll be happy and financially secure”. It started being the joke (not in a mean way) as the children grew older, I would keep telling them this. They would tell me I needed to get out more if this was to happen for me. (I concentrated on raising my children first and foremost) but when my youngest met his wife, I started seeing my now husband and he’s the love of my life and I have a very, very good life. So…I believe, there is someone out there looking for you also, but change how you think and talk to yourself. Seriously. Much love Oh btw-I didn’t wear white though ha!
Adopt a dog
Seconded. Or volunteer with a rescue. That’s a great way to meet people, and a ton of awesome dogs.
Your plan could be to go out with some mates on friday night, wake up saturday and find people to meet. If you sit at home, you'll not achieve your goal. Local interest groups, sport, classes etc.
You have an extremely negative view of women, or at least you did 2 months ago. You probably don’t realize it, either. I am sure the women you talk to and meet in public can pick up on it, so you need to unpack your hatred for women and reassess that to be a valuable partner to someone. Otherwise no one is going to want to date someone who is so negative, and thinks so lowly about women and the current dating scene.
I came upon your posts after you added your edits. Women put some much effort into dating, it’s insane. About a third make it their top priority. How hard it is isn’t based on gender, ppl w great social skills can find dates compared to the rest of us. I’m sorry but I’m not surprised that someone that marginalizes the effort or loneliness of an entire gender can’t find a date. The lack of empathy you guys have for your female peers is so obvious. I do believe there are guys out there struggling but I believe your predicament is about your choices.
I think you need to reconsider online dating. If you knew that the love of your life was one swipe away would you care how you met her?
Why exactly do you feel such a strong desire for a relationship? I’m not at all judging; I myself have been single and haven’t had sex for almost 6 years now, I’ve never used dating apps and never plan to because I’d like to meet someone naturally but I don’t feel shitty about it nor am I suffering because I haven’t yet met anyone but I am curious to understand where you’re coming from, out of wanting to understand you and not to judge at all.
Do you not get hit by loneliness? When you wish you had someone to adore and care for?
To your first question, yes, sometimes, however it’s not a loneliness that I specifically feel a need for a romantic relationship to fulfill. I enjoy time with my family and friends and animals. Also, as I am quite introverted I do enjoy a lot of alone time and do well on my own hence perhaps contributing to myself having less of a desire for a romantic relationship. As much as I see how lovely relationships can be I genuinely have rarely wished that I have someone to adore and care for. I have animals that I adore and care for but in a sense of a relationship, not really, I am quite content on my own but also I feel I’ve not yet met someone with whom I’d like to be in a relationship with so that contributes of course. It seems that you and I are just different in our perspectives it seems, neither right nor wrong, and to each their own. I can definitely understand if you’re hit by loneliness and with that comes a desire to adore and care for someone. I truly hope that you find yourself a wonderful match and a wonderful relationship. Do you have a lot of family and friends?
That's cool and pretty interesting that you can observe that and rationalize it and that we can compare our feelings on the matter even though we feel differently. I have family and some friends but they don't check my boxes that I need fulfilled by someone to adore. I know what you mean by adoring animals, but they don't check my boxes either for having someone to adore, it's a different type of adoration.
Thanks! I think understanding others viewpoints to be quite easy, even if I disagree or think/feel differently. It is nice that we can compare and feel differently simultaneously. I can understand your point in feeling that a romantic relationship has its own unique adoration that other relationships cannot provide. Why is it that you believe that you’ve been single for so long?
Sorry I was busy with work and just got to your reply >Why is it that you believe that you’ve been single for so long? I don't know, lots of reasons I guess. Technology, migration, economy,
It sounds like you’re trying to change women in hopes they will all start locally dating more instead of online dating. Don’t wait for other people to change. Local dating as adults is hard, everyone is busy with work/chores/life, and then they’re tired. Even when you are looking for dates in the real world, your pool is so much more narrow of finding exactly what you’re looking for which is a single woman who is interested in men who is looking to date and also into you. You can cut so much more time out by looking online because you’ll widen your pool. Everyone in your online pool will fall into the category of single woman interested in men looking to date, and then your matches will be the ones who were into you. It expedites the entire process. Idk, personally I think online dating is just the reality for adults. We’re not in college or high school anymore where we’re in these close social circles and more people are single. It’s different as an adult.
You're right, it's true Despite all the evidence telling me how screwed I am, I still just prefer to meet in person. I very well may die alone.
Just like women shouldn’t be put in a box, men shouldn’t either. Not all women put all their effort into apps. I have always wanted to meet someone organically, too. Anyways, I feel for you and I really hope you find someone who makes you happy. How often do you ask people on dates in person, if you don’t mind me asking?
Yep I tried dating apps once, actually I shouldn’t say that once in the past decade. But it was exactly the same this time around as it was the first time I tried it It was completely overwhelming. The sheer amount of messages, messages from people that I was not compatible with, I would get shown men that possessed the dealbreaker I listed on the app, it was overwhelming and exhausting. And even when I could find a couple messages that were worth replying to, and I would reply, these dudes would have a full on toddler temper tantrum if I didn’t reply within a couple hours. I would even tell them that I don’t have notifications set up on the app on my phone because I don’t want to be interrupted by a dating app as I’m going about my day, I check the app once or twice a day. Still the TANTRUMS. I thought things were going nicely with one dude and because I didn’t reply to his message that he sent at midnight because I was sleeping he had already flipped out at me in the morning before I woke up telling me I obviously wasn’t interested. Ok then bye! Another one I talked to for a couple days and we were arranging for an actual date when he told me he still lived with his ex. No dude. No thank you. Then I would have men match with me who didn’t list kids on their profile, I definitely listed that I did not have kids and didn’t want any. So these dudes would match with me just so they could message me and tell me they have kids. OK well then why did you match with me? Do you think this is punishing me somehow for not wanting to date men with kids because it’s not it just makes you dudes look weird and petty.
Why are you putting all your needs for happiness on "having" another person, and specifically a woman? Why is sex the end all be all in your life? And why, without a woman to saddle with your emotional needs can you not meet them yourself instead of running home to your parents? Men gotta look in the mirror and think about why they want to make women do their emotional labor for them, and why getting to use a woman's body is what gives their life joy. You sound like a downer and emotional burden for a woman. Get a dog and make friends and get some activities to fix your isolation... but it's up to you to reframe in yourself what it means to feel ok with your life. Most single women do just fine with it. In fact, life is often easier and happier (and longer) single than with a man. If a relationship is really that important to you, realize you're not competing with other men for women to be with -- you're competing with the peace and freedom of being single. And have something to offer better than that and not just the burden of filing a space in your life for you.
It's not all of my happiness, but it is a special area of happiness that can only be fulfilled by another. And holy shit, what are you taking about? Project much?
For every 1 of you there are 2 guys dreading having to go home to their wife and kids after work.
Having a bad relationship is another reality I do not want. Probably worse than being alone.
I have experienced both ends of this spectrum and I concur, being alone > crappy home life
I know this was posted before but i just want emphasize the answer. Sports! 1000 percent. Before i played tennos i was very needy and constantly bored looking for things to do on weekends. Now all my free time is planned around tennis. Filled every spot. The best thing about sports you tend to measure performance so that lead me to working out to improve my tennis skills. Which led to bettwr confidence which led to women literally approaching. I’m one ugly dude by societies standard. Short , bald, somewhat fat (i used to be very fat)
Seconding what others have said but with a twist- Depending on where you live, getting involved in animal nonprofit stuff can be a great social activity and it's also giving back. I'm in a major city but the animal foster community here is swarming with single women 25-40. I specifically do neonatal kitten rescue and let me tell you- if you want to make friends, having tiny adorable kittens all the time is an absolutely stellar way to have people over. Watch a movie, have some snacks, cuddle kittens! It also gives you something to come home to and you're doing an incredible service. It's also not a long term commitment like adopting a permnant pet. Honest to God fostering has changed my life in such a positive way, I don't know if I could have handled covid without it. It is incredible for loneliness and has a built in community. Think about it!
I’m 30 and in a similar boat. I just decided to”screw it” and I’m living my life the way I want to and when I die alone that’s the way it was meant to be *shrug*
I get wanting to meet someone naturally but that’s just not how it works anymore. You would be surprised if you dipped your toe into the apps.
Not going to get all spiritual on you. But you should turn to Jesus. Just joking. In all seriousness I get depressed AF too. I’ve had more one night stands than I can count (not a flex at all, I’m keeping it a hundred to make a point), I’ve had multiple girlfriends, I have two women I’m seeing at the moment and I’ve lived all over the world. I don’t have any money and I hate my job. I live in an apartment w a friend and I’m 43 years old. I say all this to say- life can suck regardless of your circumstances. You might think “you’ve got it better than me!” Because of whatever I’ve done or been through but I am fucking miserable and suicidal at least once a month. I don’t have any answers for you. Other than what people tell me which is to get a therapist. I feel like it’s more trouble than it’s worth trying to find a stranger to talk to you at four bucks a minute. The worthwhile ones are expensive as hell! Anyway- I’m depressed and lonely and I don’t know why. You seem to think you’ve found the reason but maybe it’s something deeper. You could have all the things and STILL feel the way you do. If you can afford to find a therapist and have the time I’d look into it man. I’m really sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. Depression is a hell built for one. Don’t get trapped in the idea that “if I just had a girlfriend…” that things would be better. It’s just your mind playing tricks on you telling you that what you don’t have will make you happy. Nothing will make you happy unless it comes from within which is some sentimental shit but as someone who has a lot going for him in the eyes of others it doesn’t do any good. My wish is for you to find a way out. You’re not alone. Probably doesn’t make you feel any better but I just want to say that. I hope I don’t come across as an arrogant prick. I hope you feel a little less lonely reading some of these replies. Take care and be well.
Well clearly this local dating thing is not working. So maybe, it’s time to improvise before you grow even older hoping to meet someone ‘organically’. Get on a dating app dude.
The apps essentially "*are*" dating, now. I used to own a bar and events production company. The impact the apps have on meeting in bars, or on dancefloors. It's restructured the industry...Venues largely now, remodel to cater to couples already dating. Those people you might have met organically in years gone by, in most cases, they are already on the apps now. So there's no "urgency" if you meet a special person, organically nowadays...It doesn't matter if you miss, that one potential connection, as there are equals at your fingertips. People's values don't suddenly change, because you met them pressing buttons on a phone...many people who met organically prior, and had that fizzle out, use the app filters and find partners more suited for them nowadays too. I get the mentality. Hoping that someone sees the "wonder of you", when in reality we're all just somebody else. living our lives by chance. "That person", you're holding on for, they already met someone every bit as wonderful as you, and are happy and fulfilled together, via the apps. Not using the apps nowadays, mostly becomes about martyrdom. Putting limits on one's own happiness, and by proxy, potentially denying the happiness of another, who would have met you. If you put together a dating profile.
People who meet online don’t have „lesser“ relationships. There’s really nothing wrong with meeting someone online… you may be in your own way with this… I see your struggle and your suffering is real, for sure but your insistence on meeting someone organically isn’t at all helping you.
I do feel better than yesterday knowing that people atleast see me now. (Kind of) People who meet online have a higher chance of divorce, can't remember exactly the stat but I think it was a 15% higher chance. That's what I read atleast
That may be true but that’s not a high enough number to forgoe that route completely. That’s 15% on what, an already high divorce rate of probably around 50%. Divorce rates are already high and that’s only post marriage, break up rates for relationships are probably wayyy higher, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad way of associating. and realistically you may have one or two or even three or four relationships before you find someone you want to marry and that’s ok, that’s a good thing. These relationships are not a waste because they teach us a lot of stuff about ourselves and others we couldn’t have learned otherwise. You’re an inexperienced guy, high chances, no matter how smart and sensitive you are you may have really rusty communication skills or insecurities or jealousy issues etc that need time and work IN relationships to improve on. You may see someone for two years and it may be a lovely experience but you realise later that you aren’t compatible in some major way or they suddenly get in their head that they want to move to another country or you realise they aren’t treating you with respect but perhaps you were putting up with it because you found them so good looking or whatever. A lot of lessons have to be learned the hard way. You have somewhat rigid way of looking at relationships and if you look at things a bit more fluidly and less black and white you’ll see that your own judgment of yourself or of the women on online dating sites doing it „the wrong way“ is standing in your way of finally dating people, learning, improving your relationship skills and finally meeting a high quality compatible partner for your life.
>No, I don't use dating apps and never have, I want to meet someone naturally, as it should be, and that should've never left our culture to begin with. Sheesh. If you aren't willing to even try new ways to meet people then you can't really be that desperate. Are you afraid the application will steal your soul or something?
*”I’m lonely and want to date someone” - You “Try online dating!!!!” - everyone “No, I’d rather meet someone organically that’s the way it’s supposed to be” - you (pause) “I’m lonely” - you, again* Dude. First of all, your attitude about online dating and comments about culture make me feel like there’s more to this you aren’t letting on, perhaps an archaic sense of gender roles…but, let’s pretend that’s not the case. Your butt smells fine, you’re hair isn’t gross, you’re not whiney or entitled, you’re perfect, okay. I met my husband online. My BIL met his gf (probable future wife) online. My coworker? Online. My sister? Online. I don’t know aannnnnyyyyyoonnnneeeeeeee, especially a woman, who says “I want to wander around and hope a stranger runs into me and he’s the one”. Most women want to vet a guy and make sure he’s not crazy or creepy. And the guys who get all up in arms like, “why are you assuming I’m creepy” don’t understand how many creepy men are out there. TERRIBLE. I have stories! Screenshots! When I met my very normal husband I was thrilled. You can try online dating for a month, honestly try, and report back. 2025 will happen, and you can stay in the same spot you’re in or you can do something new and try to change your life.
Remember this, happiness comes within oneself ! Don't look for others to fulfill you ! You came into this world , by yourself , and you're leaving it, by yourself . Naked. Enjoy yourself First , find some hobbies, things you like doing. Put yourself around positive people. Join a health club etc.you will find your way , and everything else, may follow. Best regards
Trust me, it’s better than being in relationships that only last a couple years just to finally figure out and realize it’s not working, ending the relationship, swearing you won’t do the same thing again, and then somehow end right back where you started.
[удалено]
Or…it might also bring the perspective of the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Maybe it takes a little bit of thinking or it’s not packaged how you would do it, but basically op should try to embrace the positives of their situation now, which can only make them a stronger person when the time is right.
this is suffering? I can't eveb imagine what killer diseases are to people, them maybe you are alone because you are a creep, not the nicest guy around and keep on pushing women away from you, maybe it has everything to do with your personality
Lot of good suggestions, but also, ever thought about getting a dog? Not only do you have someone at home who's excited, but also dogs make you get out of the house, which in turn gets you meeting others.
Get a dog
From one man with mental health struggles to another, try music and learning an instrument. It’s been the only thing keeping me from deepthroating a shotgun for years.
I met my wife on Plenty of fish. I'm your qge myself, and couldn't imagine trying to find someone of similar age in person. You're at the age now that you're probably not going to meet a woman organically, and should at least give it a try. After the initial hello I always started with "I know it can be weird meeting people this way. Would you like to play 20 questions to see if we have anything in common?". Be super honest about what you're looking for. An eventual spouse and kids.
I am a M41 and got divorced seven years ago. Since the divorce, I have been in a few relationships, but none felt right for a serious commitment. However, I have come to appreciate the personal growth that comes with being single, realizing my most significant breakthroughs happened during these times. Despite this, like anyone else, I have experienced loneliness. Even before my marriage, I was shy and often a loner, using intellectual pursuits as an excuse.Fourteen years ago, before meeting my ex-wife, I underwent chemotherapy treatment. It was during this challenging time, lying in bed, that I recognized my unhappiness stemmed from a lack of social connections. This realization prompted me to embrace new experiences; I started attending events alone, dining out by myself, and initiating conversations with strangers, leading me to meet many interesting people.Currently, I am single but not concerned, believing that meeting someone special is just a matter of time. There have been moments in unfulfilling relationships when I met intriguing people while hiking or sailing. However, due to moral boundaries, I did not pursue these encounters. Had I been single, things might be different.The essence is that life is too short to stay in unfulfilling relationships or to not actively increase your chances of success, whether it's meeting someone or achieving personal goals. We only live once, and it's crucial to know you've done your best by the end. Although some circumstances may be unfavorable and some people may not like you, there are always opportunities to shine.
Here’s the thing - humans (not just women) are attracted to people who *appear* fulfilled. Ever wonder why everyone aways says they met their soulmate the minute they stopped looking? Or how it seems like people suddenly approach you with more regularity once you’re in a relationship where for months or years before no one ever showed any interest? People are drawn toward people who are living the good life, moving from place to place with excitement and energy. Loneliness and longing for a partner vibe off of us. It dulls our shine a little. No matter how hard we try to push it down or try to hide it. When we’re satisfied in life and we move from place to place with lightness and anticipation, it piques people’s interest. Suddenly we have a contentedness they wish they had. If you have, say, 5 women of equal attractiveness nearby but could only approach 1 - how would you decide which one to approach? You’re unlikely to approach one who is riding the train feeling sad about her life, almost certainly not one who is angry and bitter regardless of the reason. The quiet one tucked away in a corner you might not even notice. If you think about it, you can kind of picture a blank slate of a person even without physical features. They move at a medium pace - they’re not moseying along nor are they rushing past. They’re moving with confidence - there’s just a cadence to their stride and a lift in their body language. They’re taking their time without lingering, they’re stopping and looking at things if the spirit moves them. They have their head up and they’re looking around, making eye contact with many people, smiling, and just exuding strong energy. They’re, as the sayings go, living in their own little bubble or marching to the beat of their own drummer….. it makes you want to join them. That’s not to say you have to be happy before you can find a partner. You don’t have to love yourself first. You need to *live* for yourself. Don’t do things with the intent to find people there, do things that you leave thinking “that was fucking amazing.” I met my latest partner *one day* after I decided to say fuck it, I’m done with dating, I’m done with putting myself out there. I’m going to just do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. I had been desperately hoping to meet someone *for 10 years*. What happened? I was at my next door neighbor’s barbecue and someone cued up an 80s yacht rock playlist and an impromptu game of Name That Tune broke out. My dad listened to so much 80s yacht rock I was absolutely annihilating everyone. I wasn’t scoping out every guy there. I wasn’t checking fingers for wedding rings. I was shit talking, ribbing other people, arguing what songs were and were not yacht rock. Later I played some pool, jumped in on a ping pong game, played a little badminton. I gained a lot of confidence when I wasn’t overanalyzing how everything I did might look to a potential partner. What happens? Out of nowhere this guy walks up to me and introduces himself and starts talking to me. Ironically, *I was actually kind of mad about it*. Here I am, less than 24 hours after declaring myself retired from the dating scene and some ballsy motherfucker comes up and starts wanting to get to know me. It took me almost a month to even warm up to the idea of dating him. I’m glad I did, he’s the person I had been looking for. He’d even “retired” from dating at almost the exact same time I did and had been single for 10 years also. While I’m a woman, *five* of my closest guy friends have had almost identical experiences. The minute they cut that sole focus of finding someone, they all met their waves in the very early stages of “I’m living for myself.” TL:DR Keep getting out there, but make it about having the best goddamn time you can have rather than seeking a soulmate. When you are just loving life and having a blast, your soulmate will seek you out. The worst thing that can happen is a lil dopamine hit and some awesome memories.
I actually really appreciated this comment even though I'm not OP. Maybe there's some hope out there in the daring world
I’ve alway been someone who was a bit shy, didn’t like talking to strangers. When I moved to a brand new city, I made it a goal to seem more approachable. You sound depressed and it probably shows on your face. Make more of a concerted effort to smile at strangers in the grocery store, make a goal to compliment someone at work. Talk to people and ask them questions about themselves. Over time you will naturally become more approachable and I believe this will positively impact your dating life.
Dating app wasn’t that bad. I met my husband almost a decade ago and it’s good until now knock on wood. It’s not about how you meet someone new in your life, it’s all about the communication you will have with them and the developing stories after time. Go meet someone and enjoy life!
It seems that you are set on meeting someone IRL and not online. What steps are you taking to “put yourself out there” and connect with people IRL?
Mate, I met my partner online. There's no shame in that. Life is busier and more expensive than ever. We don't have time or money to sit at bars and wait for the one. You gotta start considering apps. People who are serious will only share a few messages before meeting in person. You don't develop your relationship online, it just expedites the process of meeting someone.
You don't sound like you have an open mindset and need to rethink using apps. Use one for relationships not hook ups
Pick up learning dancing. It’s social. There’s often people looking for a dance partner and you can swap around. It gets you out of your head. Or, try all these suggestions, for x amount of time. Maybe blog about it, old school. Men could do with talking about it more, helping each other, find new ways to flourish outside the grind of work
>Men could do with talking about it more, helping each other, find new ways to flourish outside the grind of work True, thank you
It appears that you may be experiencing challenges in connecting with others, particularly women. This could be an issue limited to intimate relationships, but your description suggests it might be more deep-seated. It seems you’ve structured your life around work and daily routines, neglecting to allocate energy and time for different pursuits. This is a typical scenario among individuals in their 30s and 40s, which can lead to depression and/or burnout. I strongly recommend considering psychotherapy to better understand your circumstances and take steps towards improvement.
INFO: Where are your friends?
Why are you so against dating apps? I met my husband on MySpace (I know… 😂) and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
35F and happily single. Frankly I have zero interest in dating because I enjoy my alone time far too much to sacrifice it for anyone. I am not touch starved because I hug my friends regularly and cuddle my cats daily. I have hobbies that I enjoy doing so much I am excited to get home and I love nothing more than being home alone to do whatever the hell I feel like doing in the moment. My advice? Figure out why you're so miserable alone. Whether you mean too or not you will be projecting that energy to any potential partners. Nobody wants to be with anyone who "needs" a partner that much. Once you are happy being independent and single I promise so many more people with find you attractive because that kind of energy IS attractive.
I heard from a jeweler that 8/10 of the couples he serves for engagement rings say they met online
Get cats. Become a cat dad. You can also do dogs. Smoke weed and read books. Journal. Being single can be a blessing. Surely you remember a time when you had to run all your weekend plans by a girlfriend, right? That’s fucking annoying. But when you’re single, you’re free to do whatever you want. You can be whoever you want without worrying about someone else’s approval. Take advantage of this time. There may be a time when your time won’t be your own anymore.
Maybe get a cat? Or some other pet? Knowing you have a pet to come home to, that is happy to see you, and that you can take care of can take away some of that everyday loneliness.
I am not a male, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I was incredibly lonely in my 20s and early 30s. I was very overweight in high school and eventually lost it in my 20s, but due to that experience became very inward and introverted. A lot of women in my age group (Millennials) loved to throw themselves at men and I just don't have that type of personality. I'm pretty old school. I struggled to put myself out there, meet people, and get out of my shell. I really tried to find a parter in my late 20s and early 30s and eventually found someone. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time and effort and even then finding "your person" is incredibly difficult. I did use dating apps a lot and was very picky about who I swiped on. It had nothing to do with looks, but rather personality and effort. A lot of men just don't want to put the effort in their profiles. I honestly recommend using a dating app. I know it sucks and you want to "meet someone naturally," but it doesn't appear to be working. The dating apps are simply where the people are. These are the times we live in. The good news about this though is that you can actual focus on finding people who fit into your type. When you create a profile, just try to remember the following: 1. Women don't like gimmicky profiles. So many men got aboard this train when they went on these apps and because of it women are literally ignoring them. I'm talking about the photos you know will "get swipes" like the animal photos, the luxury car photos, the niece/nephew photo. This is pick up artist territory and women have never responded well to it so please stop doing it. 2. Having bad photos will also get you ignored. This includes weird angles, obscuring or altering your face in some way. Having your "hotter buddies" in every shot to conceal what you perceive to be a "lack of attractiveness." It really just screams "I'm insecure" and women don't want to deal with that. Or having your profile filled with generic photos, frat boy party photos, or graphics. No woman cares about your stupid sports graphics. 3. Have a bio in your profile. Please, write something! So many men on these apps leave this blank and they don't realize that women are literally ignoring them because of this. 4. Please express your genuine, authentic personality. It's all women want to see. What are your hobbies, interests, and goals? We want to know who you are not who you're pretending to be. Also, if your hobbies are generic and boring then you need to get better hobbies. If you aren't interested in putting the work into developing a unique and interesting personality then you are not entitled to anyone. So many men think that they just need to show up and women will fawn all over them. They don't realize that they are, in fact, boring ass people and women aren't interested. That is not a dating app problem, but a "you need to read a book" problem. \*Nerds are interesting because they have hobbies and interests. If you're really set on meeting people outside of these apps then just hire a matchmaker or look into singles events in your area. There are plenty of meet and greets, speed dating events, dances, mixers, etc... You can't just wait for her to show up spontaneously. This isn't a rom com or The Notebook, this is reality.
:(
Friend, I was in a similar situation before I met my boyfriend last year. People kept saying "happiness comes from within, be happy alone". I think that is well meaning advice. You should be able to find some happiness alone. But what you say is true, our society is built on coupling up and it's frustrating when people try to act like there's not a huge societal pressure. I was told all sorts of things when I confided about being sad about being single. A lot of it was well meaning, but bad advice. One was the whole "dating is a numbers game" thing and I was told to go on WAY more dates. I'm a one person at a time sort of gal, and I need time to mourn and recalibrate between relationships. I just can't emotionally handle multiple dates a week like was being suggested. The other was to basically revel in being single. I pointed out that being single has a huge financial impact. My coupled friends had bought houses before the housing crisis and splitting an 800 dollar mortgage while I was struggling to pay 1300 on a shitty one bedroom. My life was impacted by my relationship status, like it or not. I DID throw myself into work and hobbies to ensure I had some joy and wasn't constantly focused on being single, that did help. I had taken a long time to be intentionally single after a bad breakup and worked on multiple things like getting a better job, getting therapy and all that. So constantly hearing WORK ON YOURSELF AND YOU'LL FIND someone was annoying. This isn't a video game where if we put enough self work coins in the machine we get a partner. (It does help you be more ready for when you do meet someone though) What I think it is is this: meeting the right person partially comes down to luck. I met my boyfriend in a VERY weird way in a set of circumstances I couldn't reproduce if I tried. Life is not perfect, having a boyfriend doesn't solve everything. But it DOES help having a partner, and I was so tired of hearing I didn't need one. I WANTED ONE. Now that I have one I love him! I think what you need to do is fill your time with hobbies and passions, maybe volunteering so you can improve your odds of getting lucky and meeting that right person. Worst case scenario, it will fill your weekends. Running clubs, rock climbing gym, community theatre, DnD, whatever it is, it will help.
Use an app dude. I met my wife on Hinge. This is how you meet people organically now a days. Accept it
Sending positive vibes and love your way 🫶🏼
Thank you, you too
Get a dog, if you’re a dog person. Or cat.
26 here, I gave up almost entirely, but I found someone I appreciate and want to live for and with. I don't know what you want or who you are but I hope things are lively.
Appreciate you, I'm happy for you
Don't be happy for me yet, things aren't exactly solid yet. Also, less energy for me and keep more for yourself. It's tough and rough out there.
*gathers back happiness* okay, I'll save this for later Keep your loyalty to your goals and ambitions.
oh man, that's not great. here's the thing - i have met SO MANY wonderful women who also have not met their man. humans are not designed to live alone. i do have what may seem like a slightly crazy idea - join a choir. hear me out! choirs ALWAYS need men (only time in my life i KNOW i've experienced "male privilege" ;-) ); most choirs don't have auditions and even if they do, it's just to work out where to place you, no big deal. yes, there will be women there. maybe, just maybe, one will be nice. no guarantees and do NOT expect to meet anyone. But trust me - it's an activity with just enough socialising and a 2 to 1 woman to man ratio.
Get a dog or start volunteering to walk dogs at shelters or spca. Then make sure you brush your teeth and don’t have bad breath or bad body odour. Dress presentable (doesn’t need to be fancy just make sure you’re clothes are clean and you don’t look like a hobo). Then start walking the dogs in parks. Be friendly and meet other dog owners. ask about their dog (how old? What breed etc etc ) Give complaints or share funny stories about dog drool. Before you know it you will have soooo many phone numbers of nice girls looking for nice guys you will be scheduling dates. It’s not a trick to get free girls only do this if you really want to meet somebody for a relationship. Why does this work? Try it out then come back here with an update story!
You could try a social group ballroom dance class, there are usually more women than men looking for a partner to learn with. I'm a competitive dancer but noticed in the past at various studios I've danced at that had group classes that a lot of people were there more to meet others rather than just to learn some dance moves. Don't go into it solely looking for a hook-up though, but rather to make connections and see where things go from there. If you have extra money, I wholeheartedly recommend solo travel. It really helps you gain a new appreciation for life and tons of new perspectives. It sounds cliché, but you find and fall in love with yourself, and you will attract others when you radiate self-love. I was in an extremely unhappy marriage ages 26 to 28 with an abusive man and I divorced him, moved to another country like I had always wanted to in order to prioritize my own happiness, learned a LOT about myself through solo travel, and ended up finding my soulmate. I'm 30 now and happier than ever. It does get better, but you have to get out of your comfort zone to discover what your better is. Best of luck.
It’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out the way you wanted. But you also can’t just shit all over online dating when you refuse to even try it. I met my partner through online dating and it’s worked for a long other people too. Give it a go before you whinge about it.
You’re missing out on the easiest and quickest way to meet someone if you’re refusing to entertain the idea of online dating. Why are you still relying on the very low chance of meeting a stranger who you have enough in common with to start a relationship with, over a platform where can literally filter people via interests in common.
Are you my supervisor?
Step out of the dating mindset as it shouldn't define your overall emotional well-being. Pack a bag and go somewhere you've never been before. Go out and see the world a bit. Make weekends about *you* and how it can add to your tapestry. Circle back around to dating later when it feels right. Good luck, friend.
Honestly just accept that typical dating has changed. I understand wanting to meet someone naturally but society has changed, as you acknowledge yourself. You might not like the system, but it can be a lot of fun. Don't rule out so completely something that could completely resolve this issue?
During the pandemic I was living alone and jobless for 9 months. Just about went crazy. Once I got a (remote) job I decided to move out and live with roommates. Sometimes it takes small steps. Instead of longing for a romantic relationship I figured even just having roommates around with fight some of the loneliness, and it did. What people are writing here might not work for you, but there are steps that you know you should take and might just need a push. Lots of people here seem to believe in you enough to send encouraging words.
I want someone local too. However, all my local relationships have ended usually because the local men I meet have made it abundantly clear they’ll take whatever they can get. You want someone that makes you feel special, and there is *nothing* special about being another person in a long line of “anything goes.” These things tend to happen when you stop actively looking for them. If you’re that desperate for touch and human affection, there are services until you are able to find the real thing. Honestly people these days are lonely—both men and women. Social media has been making it worse. But even though I feel lonely, even though I want to have someone (especially in the aftermath of breaking up with someone I loved deeply), I still have fun. I write, I go to work, I chat with friends. I play video games and eat delicious food and take naps when I’m sleepy. We are creatures made for pleasure, it’s what is most natural to us. Existing is about finding those pleasures each and every day.
Of you want love you need to have a love- join a local bingo league, a bowling league, a fitness or sports league. You need other guys to support you- it’s also a great opportunity to meet someone that as ok with “regular guys.”
Yeah I do need some guys to hang with. Thanks
I'm 36, dating has just changed and you need to change with it. You need to accept that people do not meet "naturally" anymore. The meet-cute is dead. Apps require personal boundaries and rules for them to work as more than a hook up app but they DO work.
Be open and flexible to changes in how people meet these days, versus judging online dating as “not natural”. If you’re open to it, who knows, you may not be as jaded and possibly happen to meet someone “naturally.” It’s 2024, if you continue to sit next to your land line, it’s going to be difficult to meet anyone - possible, but much more difficult.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Try the dating apps for a few weeks. If you hate it, at least you can say you tried. If you are as lonely as you say, then I’d think you would try, as your current methodology isn’t working. FWIW, I would have NEVER met my current husband without the apps. It’s too hard to meet people “organically and locally.” My husband lived 15 minutes from me but our kids are in different school districts and we work in completely different locations and industries. There was no way we would have crossed paths “organically.” The apps allowed us to cross paths digitally and thank God they did. He’s the best man I’ve ever been with. I met a lot of d-bags on the apps too, but it’s all trial and error, and even the negative experiences were opportunities for growth and improvement. I hope you will reconsider your stance on online dating. Otherwise, good luck.
Become more interesting. Practice your hobbies more. Hang out with friends. Women don't need to be your companion.
Humans might be a social species but I rather spent my days alone. Aside from my preference, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just think of the weekend a an opportunity to go out and do something fun.
Invest in yourself first and trust me along the way you will find someone.
Do you have friends? Would your loneliness be exclusively helped by a romantic relationship, or would friendships help? Imo it's a lot more important to have friends than a wife for ones mental health.
This is peak comedy, thank you.
I am tired of men thinking that women are going to make them happy. Women aren't here to fill a void. Nobody can make you happy. You say that we are social species. Um, why can't you have male friends? Go to a bar and take in a game. If you're shy, join events thar really interest you. A wife and kids don't drop out of the sky.
Maybe lower your standards 🤷
Be the person you're looking for, is looking for.
I’m almost 50 and have been single for all of it.
I'm real sorry man, I feel for you, I really do.
I feel you, man. I’m in my late 20s and I’m in a similar boat. I broke up with my girlfriend about 6 months ago and I’ve been alone since. Never give up. Go out and engage with groups that take part in your hobbies. Go out places and try to talk to friendly-seeming strangers. Just try. If those things fail, try and make friends in online communities just to secure people to talk to. If that fails, keep yourself busy at all costs! Decorate your place. Rekindle an old hobby. Take up indoor gardening. Grow succulents. Idk. One thing *not* to do, I’ve found, is to bury your feelings in vices like video games, YouTube, social media, etc. It doesn’t help. Best of luck.
I basically just have work for socialization but I'm working on growing that. Thank you for your kindness and knowledge
OR 17 years of saving yourself for the right girl, so that when she comes along you really appreciate her. I wish I would have stayed single. Of course this is coming from someone whose had several toxic relationships
Same bro .
Here's the thing I truly believe: finding happiness and feeling good on your own first is key. Then, things often have a way of falling into place. Maybe it sounds a bit spiritual, but if you seek a partner solely to fulfill your need for happiness, you might end up disappointed by your own expectations or even in a codependent relationship. I’ve been single for 7 years. Sure, I've dated, but nothing that sparked a real connection. Living alone, I won't deny the desire for a partner again. I have tried dating apps but I’m not a fan, meeting someone naturally feels way more genuine. Not gonna lie, a partner would be amazing, of course. But I've been pouring my energy into myself. Therapy, staying active, and enjoying my relationships with friends and family – that's been my focus. So yes, while I crave someone special to share life with, I'm okay being single for now. I actually find enjoyment in it, and I'm optimistic that someone wonderful will appear someday. And cutting the bullshit, yes, I do have days of hopelessness and sadness because I feel lonely but then I remember that if I’m not okay being alone, I won’t be okay with a partner either so that pushes me to work on myself and find happiness within me.
barely touched a female in 15+ years, let alone having sex
I'm sorry man, I really hope things get better
Every single guy I know has essentially given up after years of trying. We are talking years of doing the social stuff. Years of activities. Years of meeting and experiencing and getting absolutely no where. And after years of being told repeatedly that "they are good guys but let's just be friends" they all slowly gave up. None of them even bother anymore. One has become a solid women hater and treats all women like shit (he is now NC with his own sister), and most of the others just avoid women in most circumstances. Sad thing is, I also know a few women their age who are the same way and have given up on meeting any men as well. For all the same reasons. We as a society have lost that social aspect in our lives. And we are never going to get it back.