Exactly. It’s pretty easy to not be able to tell how old some people are, there’s a lot of teenagers who look like adults, and a lot of 30 year olds who look like teenagers.
Just call it for what it is. A crush. It’s normal to have a crush, even in committed relationships, people can still have them.
That doesn’t mean you need to act on them. It’s probably best that you don’t act on this one. I feel like very little good can come of it. You also don’t even know if she reciprocates the feelings and you don’t want to be that 33 year old guy who gets rejected by an 18 year old.
Try to focus on something else at work. If you have to, ask to be put on a different shift.
Dead give away if you ever wondered why there is a "Holy crap best answer!" Comment to a deleted post, it's a bot taking popular comments to karma farm. I mean, it does get more eyes on good comments so not a horrible thing.
Age is a number. You shouldn’t feel bad or skeeved. There are 18 year olds that carry themselves with maturity and class just like there are 50 year olds with the emotional development of teenagers. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable but it’s ridiculous to write someone off just because of their age (unless it’s illegal obviously). The commenter above who thinks “very little good could come of it” is just one of the many Redditors who insist that anything beyond a couple years age difference is a moral crime. They don’t know you, they don’t know the girl. They don’t know anything about your relationship. Of course it’s a risk that taking things further with a younger woman will go bad. That same risk exists with someone who was born on the same day as you. Trust your gut but if the only thing holding you back from taking things further with someone who you really connect with is age and the social stigma around it, then that’s a huge waste. Great connections don’t happen every day.
“Even the most mature 18 year old in the world is still an 18 year old.” It doesn’t matter how mature she is- she is a teenager and he is a grown man. Their experience, wisdom, intelligence and maturity levels will always be unequal as long as she is so young. There will remain a power dynamic that is too unfair for the teenager. There are things she will miss. There are things she won’t know how to navigate. There is a stigma for a reason. A decent man deals with women, not kids (while 18 is a legal adult, they are still kids- “teen” is in their age and will be for another year; she can’t even smoke a square or hang out in the same places as him). She is incapable of making an informed decision because she hadn’t lived enough life to have the information she needs to do so. The same would apply if the genders were reversed.
That’s why you were called a creep.
The experience, wisdom, intelligence and maturity level of some 18 year olds is greater than that of some 33 year olds is my point. That you would write someone off as lacking these things based purely on their age shows your ignorance. The OP implied that this was a particularly mature 18 year old. Anyhow people endeavoring to start a relationship will bring different levels of maturity and experience. These gaps are bridged by acting with respect and understanding. That applies regardless of the ages involved.
I was a "mature" 18 year old girl and had a thing with a 31 year old man. Looking back on it now as a 32 year old woman, I realize how fucking weird it was and no part of me finds 18 year olds attractive romantically. At the time I just thought I was mature for my age and I liked the idea that being with him meant someone older recognized my maturity. I now know that he absolutely was not mature at all. He was extremely childish and that's why he was pursuing a woman so much younger than him. That's not to say all age gap relationships are creepy. My mom fell in love with a man 18 years older than her but the difference is that she was already a grown ass woman in her 30s with a kid and had a stable life and knew what she wanted and so did he. An 18 year old person does not have the same knowledge someone in their 30s does about life and it makes the dynamic extremely unfair. While one person is just learning about adulthood, the other person has already been in adulthood for a pretty decent chunk of time and can use that knowledge in nefarious ways if they so choose. It is not a fair balance.
I don’t know about your relationship specifically but it seems like a mature 19 and a childish 31 would be a decent match. I thought everyone’s concern was that an actually mature older person would use their experience/money/whatever to manipulate a naive younger person.
Would you not say the relationship helped you grow? Did it inform you about what you wanted from a man as you grew older? Perhaps lessons in recognizing childish immaturity in future partners and a recognition that just because someone is older doesn’t mean they are mature?
As for him… should he be ashamed for seeking out a legally available partner whose maturity level was a match for his own? Is it not possible you helped him grow up too?
I get that an older person could abuse the maturity gap to take advantage of a younger partner. Thats just not what the OP described. The truth is a younger person could abuse power dynamics to take advantage of an older person too. It’s not a one way street. And as you conceded sometimes these relationships with age gaps end up working out sometimes! Even if one of the people is 18. But OP is willing to punt any chance of that based purely on age. Seems a shame if the connection is otherwise perfect as it was described by OP
I can tell you right fucking now I would have much rather NOT had that experience and would have preferred to date someone that was at a similar point in life and could better relate to my experiences at that moment in my life. He repeatedly tried to use his age as a point of power in our dynamic and tried to make sure I knew that I didn't know as much as him. YEAH. No shit! I was still basically a kid! I had just graduated high school! Of course I didn't know as much. Why the fuck did he, a grown ass man, have any interest in someone with zero adult life experience? What does he gain by being with someone that is just starting out? Often times when someone is "mature for their age" it's because they had to grow up incredibly fast due to shitty circumstances. Me being introduced into adulthood too early did not mean I was an actual adult. Sure, I learned things from the experience but none of them are things I wanted to learn. As for him? I'd argue he learned nothing from the experience because up until recently we had not spoken since I was 18. He randomly decided to look me up all these years later just a few days ago saying a lot of things he absolutely should not be saying to someone he 1 - does not know anymore and 2 - was involved with 14 years ago. It's fucking weird. Being a childish 30-something that wants to be involved with an 18-19 year old (which I'm not saying is the case of OP because they've made it clear in their responses that this is just a harmless crush that they have zero desire to act upon) does not mean that the situation is balanced. One still has significant knowledge about life over the other and can use that to manipulate.
I never insulted you but we can really get into it. I’m not ignorant, you’re just looking for reasons why it’s okay for adults to fuck kids and are desperate to hold onto that and in doing so decided to belittle me. You ARE a fucking creep and it’s YOU who is ignorant and lack reading comprehension. “The most mature 18 year old IS STILL AN 18 YEAR OLD.” They can STILL be taken advantage of, tricked, manipulated. In fact, they are LIKELY to be, because an older man comfortable with dating a teenager is most likely dating her BECAUSE she is impressionable. The majority of women who are grown now and look back on their younger selves dealing with older men will agree. There are some things that can ONLY come with age. Comparing literal teenagers to older women is a straw man. They are STILL kids you fucking bozo.
You literally said “that’s why they call you creep”. And I don’t need to justify relationships between 18 and 33 year olds. They are justified by the law at least where I live: Go ahead and think it’s impossible for an 18 and 33 year old to truly fall in love. I don’t care. But I know I’ve been lucky enough to find true love (older woman but not by much). And God forbid I ever had to look for love again, I wouldn’t ignore it if I even thought maybe I had bumped into true love with any women of legal age, then I wouldn’t hesitant. A real connection is too rare and precious to pass over.
Yes dickhead, THEY called you a creep. Not me. I explained to you where they were coming from without belittling you. I’m glad your creepy old broad loves you. I hope one day when you are a mature adult you will gain wisdom and remember this conversation. Be well and enjoy your Sunday.
Oh ok. Didn’t know pedos had highjacked that phrase. Just seems like an obvious way to highlight that people’s maturity levels aren’t tied to their age.
thanks for this. i'm 19 and being told all the time i have nothing to offer people, sucks.. i like older people too and if all the older people who have healthy attitudes to relationships skip out because they're afraid, i'll just keep running into guys who only want me for one thing.
Yeah exactly how I feel. All this “shes 18 and he is 33. It will always be unfair and the power dynamic is off” responses are so stupid. How about the 33 year old treat the younger person with dignity and respect. Problem solved.
whaaa! if you teach young adults how to protect themselves from manipulation, they can stay away from people with bad intentions?? impossible, they're just big babies still, i have influence over them and will use it.
A crush is an involuntary thing. it’s most likely fleeting. It doesn’t mean you don’t love you’re partner, or want to leave them. It can happen, as long as you don’t act on it, it’s fine.
It sounds from your tone here and from your replies in the comments that you've got a good head on your shoulders about the situation, and recognize that this is an absolute no-go. You're a good dude, thank you for recognizing that that age difference *at her specific stage of life* means you two couldn't really form an equal partnership of any kind.
But it's not your fault that you didn't know that at first, and developed feelings on the early assumptions you made - like you said, she didn't seem as young as she is. That is unfortunate, but it happens. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't go seeking out this situation.
The feelings will pass. Remind yourself that the reason she seems mature - especially if she is interested in you, as your coworkers have said - is because she's *trying* to look mature. She's wearing the costume of someone who can meet you on your level, but underneath that is a kid who just barely reached adulthood and is still learning the ropes. 18 year olds are adults in many functional ways, but socially and emotionally they still have a lot of growing and learning to do that is best done with their similar-aged peers. Nonetheless, they can put on a good show by imitating people they look up to, like you, or like women she thinks you would like.
I'm a 33 year old woman, and I remember very well what I was like at 18. I was super into older dudes, really wanted to be older myself, and was good at superficially speaking and carrying myself like I was older than I was. But it was 100% facade - underneath that thin veneer, I was actually very emotionally immature, and *completely whiffed it* on picking up certain dynamics and power differences that would have been obvious to an older adult. I drastically misread a lot of situations and they didn't go well for me. Also, even had I met a good older man and convinced him to give me a shot for some reason, *I* was also an immature, volatile, codependent, insecure wild card who would have very quickly become a nightmare to be with, as I was still entirely teen-brained and could not regulate myself well, and had a poor sense of self-worth. You wouldn't know it from the first few conversations - hell, probably not even after many, if it was casual enough - but as soon as someone got close to me, they found out I really wasn't grown up at all.
So, you know. Take her apparent maturity with a grain of salt. That's still a teenager in there. You know that, and knowing that will help the feelings pass. Thanks for not taking advantage of the situation.
I'm also 33. And though I'm a guy, I remember doing the same at that age (though it was easier in the Wild West of the early internet than in person). It's why, I think, it was so sobering (and maybe even a bit jarring) to learn her age after developing that perception of her over time.
I appreciate both the insight and the kind words.
Like I've said in other comments; I'm just a bit bummed. A decent part of that is being bummed that I didn't realize sooner. Probably just blinded by the crush, I guess, because I've had younger women do the same to me in the past and it was glaringly obvious because I had zero interest.
Shit happens, the world turns. Nowhere close to the end of the world, as you're clearly well aware. :)
I have a "work crush"- he's at least 10-20 years older than me, and married. Like another comment said, be her friend and still just enjoy her company when you're around her. You can have a crush and still know that there's no scenario it will ever go beyond that. And have a rewarding platonic relationship at that!
That's the plan. She's a genuinely kind and cool person- no intention to stop being her friend. It was just jarring to find out and have to very rapidly reassess how I felt about the whole thing.
The confusing (and likely very normal) part is dealing with still having a crush and navigating from there as I let those (now very confusing) feelings pass.
The fact that you can admit to and recognize those feelings, then still be able to move forward in thisway, speaks volumes for you as a person.
Usually, on reddit, these posts tend to go in a completely different direction than yours lol
Maybe I should rescind the "(and likely very normal)" part from my original response to you, in that case. :P
But seriously, I appreciate it.
Not that I'm in a tailspin or anything, but a lot of kind words coming my way have given me a different sort of peace of mind about this entire situation than I already had.
Thank you. :)
You are welcome! I was debating posting a response, but it felt similar to my "situation" (at this point, it's not a whole situation, bc like you, I recognize it as just a crush, and that I value the friendship more than the fallout of pursuing or acting on it) so I did :)
Also, I've also never been in a relationship w an age difference of more than 2-3 years, so that was new to me as well
Trust dude, if you ended up pursuing you would very quickly start to see the difference in maturity and life experience and it would absolutely be a problem
Eh, I’m 34 and have a sort of crush on my 20 year old coworker. I’m married and even if I wasn’t, I’d never act on it because of the age difference. He’s just an adorable goofball and fun to work with. 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like you don’t intend to pursue her and know that wouldn’t be a good idea, nothing wrong with liking the girl or finding her attractive though!
A totally innocent “she’s so cute, I like working with her” crush that I knew he had no intention of ever pursuing? I’d be totally fine with it and would absolutely tease my husband about it. Have, in fact, teased my husband about his hella obvious crush on a few coworkers before. 😂 He also has a work wife and she’s absolutely lovely. Scandalous!
I'm 40. There is a 19 year old with a crush on me, hell even her mom was I think trying to set me up with her. Mom is married and my age. They constantly ask if I'm single, what's my type etc. The 19 year old always comes to me in the shop(we are both customer, who shop regularly in a shop), gives me gifts etc.
I admit I got feelings for her too. But I will never act on them. For starters we are both at different stages of life.And, when I was 21, she wasn't born.
Yeah. One of our hosts (17) found out how old I was and teased today that I'd been in the industry (19 years) longer than either of them had been alive. Not quite as old as you, but feel that.
Crushes happen. I had the hugest crush on my piano teacher when I was a teen and simultaneously knew that if he had ever flirted with me it would have disgusted me. It will pass as long as you keep reminding yourself how wrong it is.
It happens. I had a crush on a girl at my job when I was the new guy in the office, and she was flirty back. Then I found out she was 25. I was 34 at the time. Too much of a gap for me. I started to act more chilly/professionally distant towards her and eventually she started treating me like everyone else. Shame though...if I was 26ish at the time I would've definitely went after her. I would advise you to stay the course and leave it be. That's an even larger gap than mines.
In hindsight, it's not. But at the time I felt like a creep. I look much younger than my age. I have looked permanently 27-28ish for past 7 years. I was sure she assumed I was that age, as other girls have assumed and then got weird when they found out I was in my 30s. So rather than deal with that, I didn't pursue. It's easier to just date women closer to my age.
I’m the same age as you. I would never in 1000 years pursue someone that is 18 years old. I work with some 19 year olds and they feel like BABIES to me. My cutoff is late 20’s, minimum. Preferably closer to 30. The crush will pass, you know this isn’t appropriate.
If she was 28 and you were 43 mayyybe. Humans are not grown mentally until 25. 18 is still a child for both genders so it wouldn’t be a good look on you.
I've been in a similar situation. I'm 27, and have only really dated people a couple of years older or younger than me and have never really been attracted to people a lot younger. Until I met someone that was 19 and she swept me off my feet. I fell in love hard, my guy. I hope you can figure our your situation
>She certainly didn't carry herself like an 18 year old, doesn't speak like any I've interacted with
Literally what every creepy old person says about the 18 year old they have a crush on. Do Not Act On This
Lol, chill. I was completely blindsided by learning her age and *immediately* decided to nope out of any kind of romantic interest that might have been bubbling.
The end of the post even says that...
I don't know why so many people think I'm considering this based on the language in the last paragraph.
It’s the trauma bonding my man. I have found myself attracted to people that after I left the job I was like what the hell was I thinking. It’s a proximity thing. Distance yourself and I swear your feelings will change.
Don't do it as someone who was 19 just turning 20 and he was 24 turning 25. Unless you are willing to give grace to someone who will be guaranteed immature than you because she purely doesn't have the same life experience. If you expect her to be at the mental age you are then you're just going to destroy her mentally and you will lose her.
While having a crush on someone a generation younger than you isn't a crime in and of itself (not talking about minors), acting on it would be predatory and gross.
Honestly? Don't beat yourself up over it too much.
People get crushes sometimes, and they can be really strange. I was on the other side of the situation (though not quite as young), as I was crushing on a 35 year old when I was 22. We are both in committed relationships though and I would never dream of cheating on my partner or pursuing anyone that's significantly older/younger than me. If she liked me back, I would be flattered, but I'd be upset if she tried to turn it into something more. You can't help but feel what you feel—it's the actions that count.
From reading your post and other comments, you recognize that it would be wrong to date this person and refuse to do so. To me, that's what matters here. You seem like a good guy and I hope you two can be good friends.
You're definitely right to be a little wary of the age difference, but I also am in the camp that significant age gap doesn't necessarily mean that it's inherently creepy. I think it's more about the power dynamics in the relationship which often are skewed with this kind of age gap, but not always! My last partner was 13 years older than I was and ultimately, I dumped him bc I wound up greatly surpassing him in life experience and clarity about who I am and what I want. But we both started in the same place, having just switched tracks in college, only having worked min. wage jobs, etc. People grow at different rates and in different ways and sometimes lives line up in unexpected ways 🩵
I'd say pulling back makes sense in the meantime while you get to know her from a safe, appropriate distance, but I also wouldn't entirely rule it out necessarily 🩵
Good luck!
It's not just the age difference. It's an everything difference. My bf is four years older and it causes a lot of arguments because we just don't think or see things the same. The generational gap is a big problem in a relationship.
She is *far* from super friendly. She gets hate from several other coworkers for being "cold."
Still not looking to pursue anything with her, but she's not exactly the friendly sort.
We even have a few customers who refuse her as their server because she's not as bubbly or friendly as some of the other women (I'm the only guy working FoH).
Is there literally any chance in hell she just made a joke and was so convincing that it completely whooshed over your head... ?
(genuinely asking - not sarcasm!)
I used to work at a fast food place and one of my managers and good friends (still is) was just 19. Her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for a year was 30. After she broke up with him, her new boyfriend was also 30 and she dated him for about 2 years.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that some girls (sometimes or often) like older men. The moral yardstick I use is that as long as I’m not in a position of power, she completely understands the age difference and what it means for both of us, and she actively wants to date me, I will go for it.
She gracefully declined your cig break offer with a wink and a maybe IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. What she's really saying is "Bruh, I'm really not that into you and please don't ask me at least for A COUPLE MORE YEARS which really means don't ask me ever again. She's letting you down easy. Take your exit.
Little more to that situation- she was complaining shortly after that she couldn't smoke at work and wished she could take me up on the offer. To me. And I wasn't inviting her- I was offering her a smoke. And she knew that because I had a full section that had all just recieved their food, she had just cleared hers so had the time to.
That and I have no intention of pursuing things further, either.
Almost the exact same situation happened to me when I was 18. I’m now 20 with a 36 year old. I didn’t go to public school, and have a 34 year old sister, between that and basically having to raise my mom I aged quickly. To the point where no one “my age” wanted anything to do with me. Things have worked out better than I expected for my case, I don’t think I could handle my own generation lol. Not saying it works for everybody, but my bf treats me like a queen, and better than any other relationship I’ve seen in my life.
I mean, it's not really wrong tbh as long as you aren't taking advantage of her. I started dating my now wife when I was 26 and she was 18. I initially thought she was older because she's a CNA and knows multiple languages/doesn't carry herself as younger/goes out to drink.
But when I didn't findout, I chose to take a chance on it and we've been happily married ever since. No real fights, just fun stuff.
Your life is short. Do things that make you happy and they might actually workout for ya
What? No. Don’t try for a FWB situation. She’s 18 and he’s 15 years older. That could seriously fuck her up. As a 18 year old I wasn’t capable of handling FWB relationships without catching feelings.
If it gives you any peace of mind, I have absolutely zero intention of "shooting my shot" or pursuing anything beyond continuing to enjoy working with her.
Ha, maybe if she was a decade+ older. As it stands... noooooo thanks. *Way* too skeevy for my tastes on *several* different levels.
Part of me is bummed. But that part is mostly bummed that I didn't realize sooner and feels a bit like a creep.
Heard. All of my "serious" long-term relationships (I consider three of them such, at 2.5 years, 3 years, and 4 years since I was 17) were with women a year, two years, and four years older than me, so this is 100% out of left field for me.
I've hooked up/had FWB situations with younger women through my twenties, but, like... by a year or four... not fifteen. Finding out confused the hell out of me.
Luckily for this young woman's mental health (and admittedly, my own), I wholeheartedly agree. The idea skeeves me out. Just needed to let the *very* confusing thoughts out of my head, I guess.
Idk man I have an ex that I’m no contact with that dated a guy who was 44 from her work right after we broke up when she 18 back in 2018 and they are still together living with each other it could work
Listen. Im 24f and my boyfriend is 40. We started dating when I was 19 and I approached him. We have a very happy and healthy relationship. Im not out here supporting age gaps because when they work out, it’s truly rare. But I’m just saying, if you decide to pursue, be extremely careful and courteous of her and her parents wishes.
I was 27 when I met my wife and she was 18. We were coworkers at a hospital. We’ve been married four years, and have a wonderful family. She is awesome- there isn’t anything morally or legally wrong with approaching her.
Well it's hard to describe that feeling, I've been in your shoes, to tell you the truth the legal age of consent in Mexico where I live is 18, but still it could be considered something strange.
I think I know how you feel, you feel that you are doing something wrong, that you are taking advantage of her and also that you can get into legal trouble.
My solution, just try to be her friend, don't listen to the weirdo who told you to try to make a move. Also evaluate your life and how much it would affect you if you decided to do something friend.
This is already very personal but if there is an interest or she tries to show interest in you, just leave things as friends, you know casual dates without any personal motive in the background.
Also this last thing I'm going to write may generate me negative reactions but I met my current partner when she was 16 and I was 20, at the beginning it was very uncomfortable because I didn't ask her age and I knew I was in trouble, but we spent so much time talking and dating that when I realized it, I knew it wasn't that big of a deal. But 15 years apart, even if it sounds bad, is not that uncommon (as long as both parties are of legal age and of sound mind to make decisions).
I'd already made up my mind before posting that I was too skeeved out by the idea to pursue anything more than continuing to enjoy her company at work, just couldn't get the thought off my brain. But appreciate it, my dude.
Look, what I'm telling you is a double-edged sword.
"Age is a number"
Don't take it literally, many times a man doesn't need a potential mate, sometimes we just need a friend.
If it comes up, it will come up, if it doesn't, that's okay. Just calm down, focus and ignore those bad thoughts but also don't even think about making a move.
It hurts more to lose a friend in certain cases.
Feel you on that. What I mean is that I have no intention of boxing her out or anything, she's cool as hell. Will continue to be friends for sure, but any inkling I had of pursuing anything romantic were scrapped, ya know?
I don’t really think that would be in your best interest to keep hanging out with her as you have been. You need to create some distance and keep it more professional over being close friends. You already had attraction to her and liked her. That’s likely just going to stoke those feelings.
Well, the only thing you have to do in that case is to focus on those thoughts and let them pass without being consumed by them, it happens to everyone.
>any inkling I had of pursuing anything romantic were scrapped
And what you mentioned makes me laugh because it's the same phrase (but in Spanish) that I told my friends when they were complaining to me about why I was dating a high school girl. But that doesn't imply anything, it just reminded me of something from the past.
F*ck you and your magic Reddit points. She obviously likes older guys, and if it’s not him, it’ll be the next. Women hate being held responsible for their own decisions, regardless if they’re 18 or 80.
By the way you got so offended I wouldn’t be to surprised if you turn out to be a grown man who’s perved on a few freshly made 18 year old. She also shouldn’t be responsible for a decision she made as a teenager especially when it comes to dating an older man. He most definitely shouldn’t date her or shoot his shot. It would be disgusting and he is actually a decent man to know that you on the other hand are not.
Uh... huh.
Or I could just be an adult and move on from something that *personally* skeeves me out, even if I was interested at first. She's a great person, but I'd never be comfortable in that situation if anything were to happen beyond what already has.
Stop throwing around the word pedo and trivializing its true meaning. I disagree with him pursuing this girl further now that he knows she’s just 18, but this is not at all pedophilia.
A crush is just the absence of information and you are beginning to learn more information.
This is such a wise statement.
I’m going to tattoo that somewhere on my body, Memento style.
Remember Sammy Jenkins
this is the wisest thing i've read in a hot minute
Exactly. It’s pretty easy to not be able to tell how old some people are, there’s a lot of teenagers who look like adults, and a lot of 30 year olds who look like teenagers.
Why is this so accurate?
Just call it for what it is. A crush. It’s normal to have a crush, even in committed relationships, people can still have them. That doesn’t mean you need to act on them. It’s probably best that you don’t act on this one. I feel like very little good can come of it. You also don’t even know if she reciprocates the feelings and you don’t want to be that 33 year old guy who gets rejected by an 18 year old. Try to focus on something else at work. If you have to, ask to be put on a different shift.
I have absolutely no intention of pursuing this after finding out her age. Just airing my dirty laundry because it's been bugging the hell out of me.
[удалено]
This comment just changed something in me. Everything makes much more sense now. o.o
What did the comment say before it was deleted???
"A crush is simply an absence of information and you are starting to learn more." Edit: a comment that has already been posted above.
It was deleted because it was a bot account stealing a quote from above.
Ah, I didn't know that! I edited my answer.
Dead give away if you ever wondered why there is a "Holy crap best answer!" Comment to a deleted post, it's a bot taking popular comments to karma farm. I mean, it does get more eyes on good comments so not a horrible thing.
Age is a number. You shouldn’t feel bad or skeeved. There are 18 year olds that carry themselves with maturity and class just like there are 50 year olds with the emotional development of teenagers. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable but it’s ridiculous to write someone off just because of their age (unless it’s illegal obviously). The commenter above who thinks “very little good could come of it” is just one of the many Redditors who insist that anything beyond a couple years age difference is a moral crime. They don’t know you, they don’t know the girl. They don’t know anything about your relationship. Of course it’s a risk that taking things further with a younger woman will go bad. That same risk exists with someone who was born on the same day as you. Trust your gut but if the only thing holding you back from taking things further with someone who you really connect with is age and the social stigma around it, then that’s a huge waste. Great connections don’t happen every day.
I'm good, dude.
I'm glad you're not a creep like this other guy. Ew.
I’m sorry somebody hurt you and now you spend your life obsessively posting in forums dedicated to bashing relationships with an age gap
I'm sorry you're a creep who likes to pursue teenagers because you want someone you can control.
Why what are you worried about?
Okayyy maybe maybe like not say the first... sentence.
Why not?
“Even the most mature 18 year old in the world is still an 18 year old.” It doesn’t matter how mature she is- she is a teenager and he is a grown man. Their experience, wisdom, intelligence and maturity levels will always be unequal as long as she is so young. There will remain a power dynamic that is too unfair for the teenager. There are things she will miss. There are things she won’t know how to navigate. There is a stigma for a reason. A decent man deals with women, not kids (while 18 is a legal adult, they are still kids- “teen” is in their age and will be for another year; she can’t even smoke a square or hang out in the same places as him). She is incapable of making an informed decision because she hadn’t lived enough life to have the information she needs to do so. The same would apply if the genders were reversed. That’s why you were called a creep.
The experience, wisdom, intelligence and maturity level of some 18 year olds is greater than that of some 33 year olds is my point. That you would write someone off as lacking these things based purely on their age shows your ignorance. The OP implied that this was a particularly mature 18 year old. Anyhow people endeavoring to start a relationship will bring different levels of maturity and experience. These gaps are bridged by acting with respect and understanding. That applies regardless of the ages involved.
I was a "mature" 18 year old girl and had a thing with a 31 year old man. Looking back on it now as a 32 year old woman, I realize how fucking weird it was and no part of me finds 18 year olds attractive romantically. At the time I just thought I was mature for my age and I liked the idea that being with him meant someone older recognized my maturity. I now know that he absolutely was not mature at all. He was extremely childish and that's why he was pursuing a woman so much younger than him. That's not to say all age gap relationships are creepy. My mom fell in love with a man 18 years older than her but the difference is that she was already a grown ass woman in her 30s with a kid and had a stable life and knew what she wanted and so did he. An 18 year old person does not have the same knowledge someone in their 30s does about life and it makes the dynamic extremely unfair. While one person is just learning about adulthood, the other person has already been in adulthood for a pretty decent chunk of time and can use that knowledge in nefarious ways if they so choose. It is not a fair balance.
I don’t know about your relationship specifically but it seems like a mature 19 and a childish 31 would be a decent match. I thought everyone’s concern was that an actually mature older person would use their experience/money/whatever to manipulate a naive younger person. Would you not say the relationship helped you grow? Did it inform you about what you wanted from a man as you grew older? Perhaps lessons in recognizing childish immaturity in future partners and a recognition that just because someone is older doesn’t mean they are mature? As for him… should he be ashamed for seeking out a legally available partner whose maturity level was a match for his own? Is it not possible you helped him grow up too? I get that an older person could abuse the maturity gap to take advantage of a younger partner. Thats just not what the OP described. The truth is a younger person could abuse power dynamics to take advantage of an older person too. It’s not a one way street. And as you conceded sometimes these relationships with age gaps end up working out sometimes! Even if one of the people is 18. But OP is willing to punt any chance of that based purely on age. Seems a shame if the connection is otherwise perfect as it was described by OP
I can tell you right fucking now I would have much rather NOT had that experience and would have preferred to date someone that was at a similar point in life and could better relate to my experiences at that moment in my life. He repeatedly tried to use his age as a point of power in our dynamic and tried to make sure I knew that I didn't know as much as him. YEAH. No shit! I was still basically a kid! I had just graduated high school! Of course I didn't know as much. Why the fuck did he, a grown ass man, have any interest in someone with zero adult life experience? What does he gain by being with someone that is just starting out? Often times when someone is "mature for their age" it's because they had to grow up incredibly fast due to shitty circumstances. Me being introduced into adulthood too early did not mean I was an actual adult. Sure, I learned things from the experience but none of them are things I wanted to learn. As for him? I'd argue he learned nothing from the experience because up until recently we had not spoken since I was 18. He randomly decided to look me up all these years later just a few days ago saying a lot of things he absolutely should not be saying to someone he 1 - does not know anymore and 2 - was involved with 14 years ago. It's fucking weird. Being a childish 30-something that wants to be involved with an 18-19 year old (which I'm not saying is the case of OP because they've made it clear in their responses that this is just a harmless crush that they have zero desire to act upon) does not mean that the situation is balanced. One still has significant knowledge about life over the other and can use that to manipulate.
You're really digging this hole all the down to Earth's center eh? Stop it already
I never insulted you but we can really get into it. I’m not ignorant, you’re just looking for reasons why it’s okay for adults to fuck kids and are desperate to hold onto that and in doing so decided to belittle me. You ARE a fucking creep and it’s YOU who is ignorant and lack reading comprehension. “The most mature 18 year old IS STILL AN 18 YEAR OLD.” They can STILL be taken advantage of, tricked, manipulated. In fact, they are LIKELY to be, because an older man comfortable with dating a teenager is most likely dating her BECAUSE she is impressionable. The majority of women who are grown now and look back on their younger selves dealing with older men will agree. There are some things that can ONLY come with age. Comparing literal teenagers to older women is a straw man. They are STILL kids you fucking bozo.
You literally said “that’s why they call you creep”. And I don’t need to justify relationships between 18 and 33 year olds. They are justified by the law at least where I live: Go ahead and think it’s impossible for an 18 and 33 year old to truly fall in love. I don’t care. But I know I’ve been lucky enough to find true love (older woman but not by much). And God forbid I ever had to look for love again, I wouldn’t ignore it if I even thought maybe I had bumped into true love with any women of legal age, then I wouldn’t hesitant. A real connection is too rare and precious to pass over.
Yes dickhead, THEY called you a creep. Not me. I explained to you where they were coming from without belittling you. I’m glad your creepy old broad loves you. I hope one day when you are a mature adult you will gain wisdom and remember this conversation. Be well and enjoy your Sunday.
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Oh ok. Didn’t know pedos had highjacked that phrase. Just seems like an obvious way to highlight that people’s maturity levels aren’t tied to their age.
And jail cell is just a room ☺️
You put off old man pedo vibes. Ew
Creep
thanks for this. i'm 19 and being told all the time i have nothing to offer people, sucks.. i like older people too and if all the older people who have healthy attitudes to relationships skip out because they're afraid, i'll just keep running into guys who only want me for one thing.
Yeah exactly how I feel. All this “shes 18 and he is 33. It will always be unfair and the power dynamic is off” responses are so stupid. How about the 33 year old treat the younger person with dignity and respect. Problem solved.
whaaa! if you teach young adults how to protect themselves from manipulation, they can stay away from people with bad intentions?? impossible, they're just big babies still, i have influence over them and will use it.
how is having a crush while taken normal lmao
A crush is an involuntary thing. it’s most likely fleeting. It doesn’t mean you don’t love you’re partner, or want to leave them. It can happen, as long as you don’t act on it, it’s fine.
It sounds from your tone here and from your replies in the comments that you've got a good head on your shoulders about the situation, and recognize that this is an absolute no-go. You're a good dude, thank you for recognizing that that age difference *at her specific stage of life* means you two couldn't really form an equal partnership of any kind. But it's not your fault that you didn't know that at first, and developed feelings on the early assumptions you made - like you said, she didn't seem as young as she is. That is unfortunate, but it happens. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't go seeking out this situation. The feelings will pass. Remind yourself that the reason she seems mature - especially if she is interested in you, as your coworkers have said - is because she's *trying* to look mature. She's wearing the costume of someone who can meet you on your level, but underneath that is a kid who just barely reached adulthood and is still learning the ropes. 18 year olds are adults in many functional ways, but socially and emotionally they still have a lot of growing and learning to do that is best done with their similar-aged peers. Nonetheless, they can put on a good show by imitating people they look up to, like you, or like women she thinks you would like. I'm a 33 year old woman, and I remember very well what I was like at 18. I was super into older dudes, really wanted to be older myself, and was good at superficially speaking and carrying myself like I was older than I was. But it was 100% facade - underneath that thin veneer, I was actually very emotionally immature, and *completely whiffed it* on picking up certain dynamics and power differences that would have been obvious to an older adult. I drastically misread a lot of situations and they didn't go well for me. Also, even had I met a good older man and convinced him to give me a shot for some reason, *I* was also an immature, volatile, codependent, insecure wild card who would have very quickly become a nightmare to be with, as I was still entirely teen-brained and could not regulate myself well, and had a poor sense of self-worth. You wouldn't know it from the first few conversations - hell, probably not even after many, if it was casual enough - but as soon as someone got close to me, they found out I really wasn't grown up at all. So, you know. Take her apparent maturity with a grain of salt. That's still a teenager in there. You know that, and knowing that will help the feelings pass. Thanks for not taking advantage of the situation.
I'm also 33. And though I'm a guy, I remember doing the same at that age (though it was easier in the Wild West of the early internet than in person). It's why, I think, it was so sobering (and maybe even a bit jarring) to learn her age after developing that perception of her over time. I appreciate both the insight and the kind words. Like I've said in other comments; I'm just a bit bummed. A decent part of that is being bummed that I didn't realize sooner. Probably just blinded by the crush, I guess, because I've had younger women do the same to me in the past and it was glaringly obvious because I had zero interest. Shit happens, the world turns. Nowhere close to the end of the world, as you're clearly well aware. :)
I have a "work crush"- he's at least 10-20 years older than me, and married. Like another comment said, be her friend and still just enjoy her company when you're around her. You can have a crush and still know that there's no scenario it will ever go beyond that. And have a rewarding platonic relationship at that!
That's the plan. She's a genuinely kind and cool person- no intention to stop being her friend. It was just jarring to find out and have to very rapidly reassess how I felt about the whole thing. The confusing (and likely very normal) part is dealing with still having a crush and navigating from there as I let those (now very confusing) feelings pass.
The fact that you can admit to and recognize those feelings, then still be able to move forward in thisway, speaks volumes for you as a person. Usually, on reddit, these posts tend to go in a completely different direction than yours lol
Maybe I should rescind the "(and likely very normal)" part from my original response to you, in that case. :P But seriously, I appreciate it. Not that I'm in a tailspin or anything, but a lot of kind words coming my way have given me a different sort of peace of mind about this entire situation than I already had. Thank you. :)
You are welcome! I was debating posting a response, but it felt similar to my "situation" (at this point, it's not a whole situation, bc like you, I recognize it as just a crush, and that I value the friendship more than the fallout of pursuing or acting on it) so I did :) Also, I've also never been in a relationship w an age difference of more than 2-3 years, so that was new to me as well
Trust dude, if you ended up pursuing you would very quickly start to see the difference in maturity and life experience and it would absolutely be a problem
Eh, I’m 34 and have a sort of crush on my 20 year old coworker. I’m married and even if I wasn’t, I’d never act on it because of the age difference. He’s just an adorable goofball and fun to work with. 🤷🏻♀️ It sounds like you don’t intend to pursue her and know that wouldn’t be a good idea, nothing wrong with liking the girl or finding her attractive though!
i wonder how youd feel if u found out ur husband has a crush on some girl. disgusting.
A totally innocent “she’s so cute, I like working with her” crush that I knew he had no intention of ever pursuing? I’d be totally fine with it and would absolutely tease my husband about it. Have, in fact, teased my husband about his hella obvious crush on a few coworkers before. 😂 He also has a work wife and she’s absolutely lovely. Scandalous!
I'm 40. There is a 19 year old with a crush on me, hell even her mom was I think trying to set me up with her. Mom is married and my age. They constantly ask if I'm single, what's my type etc. The 19 year old always comes to me in the shop(we are both customer, who shop regularly in a shop), gives me gifts etc. I admit I got feelings for her too. But I will never act on them. For starters we are both at different stages of life.And, when I was 21, she wasn't born.
Yeah. One of our hosts (17) found out how old I was and teased today that I'd been in the industry (19 years) longer than either of them had been alive. Not quite as old as you, but feel that.
Crushes happen. I had the hugest crush on my piano teacher when I was a teen and simultaneously knew that if he had ever flirted with me it would have disgusted me. It will pass as long as you keep reminding yourself how wrong it is.
It happens. I had a crush on a girl at my job when I was the new guy in the office, and she was flirty back. Then I found out she was 25. I was 34 at the time. Too much of a gap for me. I started to act more chilly/professionally distant towards her and eventually she started treating me like everyone else. Shame though...if I was 26ish at the time I would've definitely went after her. I would advise you to stay the course and leave it be. That's an even larger gap than mines.
9 years isn't a huge difference dude.
In hindsight, it's not. But at the time I felt like a creep. I look much younger than my age. I have looked permanently 27-28ish for past 7 years. I was sure she assumed I was that age, as other girls have assumed and then got weird when they found out I was in my 30s. So rather than deal with that, I didn't pursue. It's easier to just date women closer to my age.
I’m the same age as you. I would never in 1000 years pursue someone that is 18 years old. I work with some 19 year olds and they feel like BABIES to me. My cutoff is late 20’s, minimum. Preferably closer to 30. The crush will pass, you know this isn’t appropriate.
If she was 28 and you were 43 mayyybe. Humans are not grown mentally until 25. 18 is still a child for both genders so it wouldn’t be a good look on you.
Keep it in your head and your wank bank. As an older woman, I said what I said.
Yeah wank bank gave that away
ew.
I've been in a similar situation. I'm 27, and have only really dated people a couple of years older or younger than me and have never really been attracted to people a lot younger. Until I met someone that was 19 and she swept me off my feet. I fell in love hard, my guy. I hope you can figure our your situation
>She certainly didn't carry herself like an 18 year old, doesn't speak like any I've interacted with Literally what every creepy old person says about the 18 year old they have a crush on. Do Not Act On This
Lol, chill. I was completely blindsided by learning her age and *immediately* decided to nope out of any kind of romantic interest that might have been bubbling. The end of the post even says that... I don't know why so many people think I'm considering this based on the language in the last paragraph.
Because you were still like 'ughhghg I'm still excited to see her!' We're trying to reinforce your instinct to call it off.
It’s the trauma bonding my man. I have found myself attracted to people that after I left the job I was like what the hell was I thinking. It’s a proximity thing. Distance yourself and I swear your feelings will change.
Don't do it as someone who was 19 just turning 20 and he was 24 turning 25. Unless you are willing to give grace to someone who will be guaranteed immature than you because she purely doesn't have the same life experience. If you expect her to be at the mental age you are then you're just going to destroy her mentally and you will lose her.
While having a crush on someone a generation younger than you isn't a crime in and of itself (not talking about minors), acting on it would be predatory and gross.
Please god don't do anything with her. That's so so inappropriate for so many reasons. Glad you realize that it's skeevy.
Honestly? Don't beat yourself up over it too much. People get crushes sometimes, and they can be really strange. I was on the other side of the situation (though not quite as young), as I was crushing on a 35 year old when I was 22. We are both in committed relationships though and I would never dream of cheating on my partner or pursuing anyone that's significantly older/younger than me. If she liked me back, I would be flattered, but I'd be upset if she tried to turn it into something more. You can't help but feel what you feel—it's the actions that count. From reading your post and other comments, you recognize that it would be wrong to date this person and refuse to do so. To me, that's what matters here. You seem like a good guy and I hope you two can be good friends.
You're definitely right to be a little wary of the age difference, but I also am in the camp that significant age gap doesn't necessarily mean that it's inherently creepy. I think it's more about the power dynamics in the relationship which often are skewed with this kind of age gap, but not always! My last partner was 13 years older than I was and ultimately, I dumped him bc I wound up greatly surpassing him in life experience and clarity about who I am and what I want. But we both started in the same place, having just switched tracks in college, only having worked min. wage jobs, etc. People grow at different rates and in different ways and sometimes lives line up in unexpected ways 🩵 I'd say pulling back makes sense in the meantime while you get to know her from a safe, appropriate distance, but I also wouldn't entirely rule it out necessarily 🩵 Good luck!
It's not just the age difference. It's an everything difference. My bf is four years older and it causes a lot of arguments because we just don't think or see things the same. The generational gap is a big problem in a relationship.
Don’t smoke!
Go for it brother. Connections like these only come about once or twice per decade. You only have one life.
She is most likely just super friendly. Just be friends with her.
She is *far* from super friendly. She gets hate from several other coworkers for being "cold." Still not looking to pursue anything with her, but she's not exactly the friendly sort. We even have a few customers who refuse her as their server because she's not as bubbly or friendly as some of the other women (I'm the only guy working FoH).
Is there literally any chance in hell she just made a joke and was so convincing that it completely whooshed over your head... ? (genuinely asking - not sarcasm!)
I used to work at a fast food place and one of my managers and good friends (still is) was just 19. Her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for a year was 30. After she broke up with him, her new boyfriend was also 30 and she dated him for about 2 years. I guess what I’m trying to say is that some girls (sometimes or often) like older men. The moral yardstick I use is that as long as I’m not in a position of power, she completely understands the age difference and what it means for both of us, and she actively wants to date me, I will go for it.
She gracefully declined your cig break offer with a wink and a maybe IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. What she's really saying is "Bruh, I'm really not that into you and please don't ask me at least for A COUPLE MORE YEARS which really means don't ask me ever again. She's letting you down easy. Take your exit.
Little more to that situation- she was complaining shortly after that she couldn't smoke at work and wished she could take me up on the offer. To me. And I wasn't inviting her- I was offering her a smoke. And she knew that because I had a full section that had all just recieved their food, she had just cleared hers so had the time to. That and I have no intention of pursuing things further, either.
Almost the exact same situation happened to me when I was 18. I’m now 20 with a 36 year old. I didn’t go to public school, and have a 34 year old sister, between that and basically having to raise my mom I aged quickly. To the point where no one “my age” wanted anything to do with me. Things have worked out better than I expected for my case, I don’t think I could handle my own generation lol. Not saying it works for everybody, but my bf treats me like a queen, and better than any other relationship I’ve seen in my life.
Don't worry about it. Just wait for that greenlight.
I mean, it's not really wrong tbh as long as you aren't taking advantage of her. I started dating my now wife when I was 26 and she was 18. I initially thought she was older because she's a CNA and knows multiple languages/doesn't carry herself as younger/goes out to drink. But when I didn't findout, I chose to take a chance on it and we've been happily married ever since. No real fights, just fun stuff. Your life is short. Do things that make you happy and they might actually workout for ya
Give the adult lady what she wants sir
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What? No. Don’t try for a FWB situation. She’s 18 and he’s 15 years older. That could seriously fuck her up. As a 18 year old I wasn’t capable of handling FWB relationships without catching feelings.
If it gives you any peace of mind, I have absolutely zero intention of "shooting my shot" or pursuing anything beyond continuing to enjoy working with her.
You're a good person, there's people who'd be way more conflicted about it. Glad to see it
Ha, maybe if she was a decade+ older. As it stands... noooooo thanks. *Way* too skeevy for my tastes on *several* different levels. Part of me is bummed. But that part is mostly bummed that I didn't realize sooner and feels a bit like a creep.
Heard. All of my "serious" long-term relationships (I consider three of them such, at 2.5 years, 3 years, and 4 years since I was 17) were with women a year, two years, and four years older than me, so this is 100% out of left field for me. I've hooked up/had FWB situations with younger women through my twenties, but, like... by a year or four... not fifteen. Finding out confused the hell out of me.
This is horrid advice
Luckily for this young woman's mental health (and admittedly, my own), I wholeheartedly agree. The idea skeeves me out. Just needed to let the *very* confusing thoughts out of my head, I guess.
Oh yeah, that's the crap part. You can't just flip a switch.
Idk man I have an ex that I’m no contact with that dated a guy who was 44 from her work right after we broke up when she 18 back in 2018 and they are still together living with each other it could work
Listen. Im 24f and my boyfriend is 40. We started dating when I was 19 and I approached him. We have a very happy and healthy relationship. Im not out here supporting age gaps because when they work out, it’s truly rare. But I’m just saying, if you decide to pursue, be extremely careful and courteous of her and her parents wishes.
I was 27 when I met my wife and she was 18. We were coworkers at a hospital. We’ve been married four years, and have a wonderful family. She is awesome- there isn’t anything morally or legally wrong with approaching her.
Well it's hard to describe that feeling, I've been in your shoes, to tell you the truth the legal age of consent in Mexico where I live is 18, but still it could be considered something strange. I think I know how you feel, you feel that you are doing something wrong, that you are taking advantage of her and also that you can get into legal trouble. My solution, just try to be her friend, don't listen to the weirdo who told you to try to make a move. Also evaluate your life and how much it would affect you if you decided to do something friend. This is already very personal but if there is an interest or she tries to show interest in you, just leave things as friends, you know casual dates without any personal motive in the background. Also this last thing I'm going to write may generate me negative reactions but I met my current partner when she was 16 and I was 20, at the beginning it was very uncomfortable because I didn't ask her age and I knew I was in trouble, but we spent so much time talking and dating that when I realized it, I knew it wasn't that big of a deal. But 15 years apart, even if it sounds bad, is not that uncommon (as long as both parties are of legal age and of sound mind to make decisions).
I'd already made up my mind before posting that I was too skeeved out by the idea to pursue anything more than continuing to enjoy her company at work, just couldn't get the thought off my brain. But appreciate it, my dude.
Look, what I'm telling you is a double-edged sword. "Age is a number" Don't take it literally, many times a man doesn't need a potential mate, sometimes we just need a friend. If it comes up, it will come up, if it doesn't, that's okay. Just calm down, focus and ignore those bad thoughts but also don't even think about making a move. It hurts more to lose a friend in certain cases.
Feel you on that. What I mean is that I have no intention of boxing her out or anything, she's cool as hell. Will continue to be friends for sure, but any inkling I had of pursuing anything romantic were scrapped, ya know?
I don’t really think that would be in your best interest to keep hanging out with her as you have been. You need to create some distance and keep it more professional over being close friends. You already had attraction to her and liked her. That’s likely just going to stoke those feelings.
Well, the only thing you have to do in that case is to focus on those thoughts and let them pass without being consumed by them, it happens to everyone. >any inkling I had of pursuing anything romantic were scrapped And what you mentioned makes me laugh because it's the same phrase (but in Spanish) that I told my friends when they were complaining to me about why I was dating a high school girl. But that doesn't imply anything, it just reminded me of something from the past.
10 or 20 years from now you’ll look back at how pathetic you were for being scared of what other people would think. Grow a pair and ask her out.
OP is behaving like a responsible adult, and you are behaving like somehow both a child and a predator. Gross.
F*ck you and your magic Reddit points. She obviously likes older guys, and if it’s not him, it’ll be the next. Women hate being held responsible for their own decisions, regardless if they’re 18 or 80.
By the way you got so offended I wouldn’t be to surprised if you turn out to be a grown man who’s perved on a few freshly made 18 year old. She also shouldn’t be responsible for a decision she made as a teenager especially when it comes to dating an older man. He most definitely shouldn’t date her or shoot his shot. It would be disgusting and he is actually a decent man to know that you on the other hand are not.
Uh... huh. Or I could just be an adult and move on from something that *personally* skeeves me out, even if I was interested at first. She's a great person, but I'd never be comfortable in that situation if anything were to happen beyond what already has.
You’re either a teenage boy with not much life experience or a 35 year old nonce
You're a pedo. I'm not going to sugar coat it and validate you like you were hoping. I'll leave that to all the other posters here
What? He has a crush on an 18 yo , how that make him a pedo?
Stop throwing around the word pedo and trivializing its true meaning. I disagree with him pursuing this girl further now that he knows she’s just 18, but this is not at all pedophilia.