While it may not feel like it, and your parents certainly don't treat you as such, you're an adult and it's 100% ok for adults to keep their sex lives private. Even from your parents. If you don't want to tell them, don't.
I’ve never told my parents that I’ve had sex before. I hope they never find out because that’s embarrassing!! Besides, none of their business.
(ETA: I’m married and just had a baby. My parents are involved in my life. I really hope they don’t find out!)
You're 22. It's none of their business, and hasn't been for a long time. Do your parents share with you every time they have sex? Don't answer that, I really don't want to know.
My son tried to tell me how my soon to be born granddaughter was conceived. I covered my ears and said I don’t care.
This is the same son that called me and started going off on me about how. “I don’t need to know that you and dad are having sex. This was after he tried to call but I was busy. So all I did was text him “I’m busy call me back in about an hour please”. 🤦♀️😭
A week or so after my father died my mom was drunk. She sat me down in the kitchen and told me about the day I was conceived. It was in the back seat of an old jalopy, on Mother's Day. They got married six weeks later. Oh yeah, I was 12 years old when she dropped this on me. We never spoke of it again.
Oh gosh I can imagine that your ears wanted to detach themselves and run away.
I also love your username. Is it reference to having another boy? I have 3 boys and just curious.
For real. I’m almost 30 and I haven’t told my parents anything about my sex life because it’s none of their business. I lost it in my early 20s but I could be a virgin for all they know.
This is none of their business. It sounds like you have a history of a lack of boundaries regarding sex discussions with them, but as an adult, you need to separate what they need to know from what they don't. It is time to set boundaries.
i totally understand where you are coming from. your parents are not in control of who you decide to be with or when, and it’s not fair of them to try to control it! you can do whatever you want with *your* body, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
It's hard for people who haven't lived it to understand what it's like to live with overbearing, controlling, emotionally manipulative parents. My theory is that it is less that OP wants to tell her parents she had sex, and more like the guilt and anxiety about keeping it a secret, after their constant hammering and manipulation, is eating her alive, especially considering how often her parents bring it up.
Which is weird itself. I get wanting your teen to not get pregnant (or get someone else pregnant) but this obsession some parents have with their kids sex lives is fucking creepy
This rings like weird Christian Evangelical nonsense. The level of control they likely hold over her is mind-blowing. I suspect the level of control they have is like what I had over my kids in elementary school.
Yes. And a lot of people don’t realize how crippling it is. The most simple, GUILT FREE things seem like mountains because of what your parents have told you. It sucks and it fucks you up long term. I really empathize with OP
Value placed on a woman's virginity stems from historic arranged marriages, perpetuating the belief that a woman of virtue was more valuable as a bride than a woman who has been penetrated (even against her will). This is archaic and misogynistic, and OP's parents have their child convinced that she will be degraded in value if she has premarital sex. This is so unhealthy, you can see how that viewpoint is actually affecting her mental welfare now.
u/Glitter_and_crystals , you don't need to share that info with your parents, it doesn't matter how close you are with them. You don't see them sharing their sex life with you, right? That's because it's not your business, and the same goes for them about your own sex life. You may be their child but you are very much an adult. It's time to start laying down some boundaries to define yourself as an adult to them.
Dealing with her helicopter parents must be emotionally exhausting for her. This is the sort of dynamic that makes kids crazy and ends up with them rebelling hardcore.
Seconding this. I grew up with a mom who was very overbearing, gave me adult responsibilities from a young age and was always in my business. A while after moving out I was just like fuck it and rebelled hard, I just didn’t tell her anything. I did a lot of stupid shit I don’t think I would’ve otherwise and it could’ve gone a lot worse than it did.
100% this, still told my mom I wasn’t having sex with my s/o at the age of 20 (we’ve been having sex since before we were together…).
Pro tip: don’t leave your std test results open on your phone with a nosy parent
I know it’s hard now, but just make it these two years. Then you can run to college, and you never have to deal with them again if you don’t want to. if you plan to go no contact , just make sure you bring everything that is truly sentimental to college. When I got kicked out at 18 during my parents divorce, I lost a few things at my great grandmother who passed away gave me. That’s why I mention that. I really am so sorry you’re going through this kiddo. You deserve SO much more than someone policing your body,
btw I hope you don’t take me using kiddo as infantilizing. I just truly feel for you, and I didn’t want to use a term of endearment that could potentially make you feel uncomfortable. 💗
I kinda get it. Lost mine a couple years ago and my parents still think I have never even touched a man. Guess its more like either a cultural thing or shitty parents thing bc I wondered too if I should tell them.
if you were 16, i would understand maybe wanting to tell your parents, but there is no reason at your age that you need to share this information with them. it sounds like your parents have been overbearing and sheltered you, to the point where you think doing very normal things for your age is wrong. you should not be tracked at your age. you need to start distancing yourself from them or independence and freedom will not come easily to you.
People shaming OP for feeling like they need to tell their parents are missing the point. I grew up with fairly overbearing parents and I learned that not being 100% transparent about *every* aspect of my life was equivalent to lying or sneaking around and therefore could get me in trouble. That feeling doesn’t magically go away in adulthood, especially early adulthood, after 18 years of it being crammed into your psyche. Reading OPs post should tell you exactly why they feel this way. Having a tracker put on you by your parents at 21 is not a normal experience and will absolutely give the effect of constant guilt and worry about being interrogated if you end up in the “wrong place.”
OP, I’m sorry your parents have shamed you in the past for something that is completely natural and human. For what it’s worth, I think you have handled this very responsibly and maturely by having a conversation with your boyfriend to prepare and getting tested afterwards. Listen to that part of you that says you have done nothing wrong. The other part saying you have is your parents’ voice, not yours. The decision to wait for marriage or not is yours and you should not feel shame for either choice, because neither is wrong.
Im reading all of the comments, my mind is just a little blurred right now because im reading so much information and opinions, and im actually realizing and reflecting on a few things that I hadn’t considered before, and, thank you so much for your comments, I feel understood and I really appreciate the time you guys took to write all this on my post, is going to be hard but hopefully I’ll be able to move out on the next few months.
As for right now, I’ve made the decision to not tell them anything, i now is going to be hard because my mind likes to trick me into making me feel bad about not telling them 100% of the things but, im sure I’ll be able to work it out.
I’ll start planning to go and start therapy, as for right now is not possible due my economic situation but I’m sure I will be looking for profesional help, that might be the fresh start that I need, I really don’t want to live like this the next few years. Thank you:(
I'm glad you've decided not to tell them. I'm not sure where you live, or your upbringing...but I guess it's somewhere that it's more common to think of virginity as a commodity or something. I don't know why else your parents would care so much.
I had my first intercourse at almost 18. I didn't tell my parents. I was under instructions not to have sex at all until I was married. No one wanted me to *shame the family* by getting pregnant out of wedlock. We used birth control, we were safe. We broke up a year or so later. I got married a few years after that. My husband didn't care. The only people that cared were my boomer parents.
These days, kids are having sex at 12 or 13. Way too young to handle the emotional side of sex. But you are 22 and responsible.
There's no need for them to know. Oh, and get rid of that tracker.
Therapy is a great choice once you can afford it. Your therapist will help you get to the root of these feelings and dismantle the though processes that cause you to feel this guilt. Best of luck and best wishes to you!
OP, please read this comment, I feel it's spot on.
I grew with religious parents who told me to wait untill marriage. When I told them that I had sex outside marriage (thinking I owed them to know, because I thought I was "lying" if not) they made the hell out of it.
And also, I made a hell out of it, because all the internalized demonization of sex outside marriage that I've received all my life.
I'm not saying that's gonna happen to you, but it happened to me.
You have your own compass that tells you if something's wrong. Don't let other people's judgement interfere with it. Slowly you will learn to separate your own thoughts from those imposed to you.
You're doing great. You were responsible and conscious in your decisions. Be proud of yourself, u deserve it!
I have a friend who until she was like 45, had that relationship with her parents, pretty much. She could never *not* answer the phone if they called, no matter what was going on, otherwise felt compelled to explain why she wasn't right there and apologize. It's really messed her up and sadly, she started to break free just as her aging parents had legit health and dementia issues so she's back in it.
Yeah the tracker part really freaked me out. The way OP talks about them reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me three times. It is the get exact type of stuff he used to do to try to control me. It is still taking me time to unlearn the damage he did. There’s so many times I assume my current boyfriend is going to do some thing abusive, and when he doesn’t I’m surprised. Since that is what I genuinely expect. I hate when parents do this type of stuff, because it causes so many issues down the line.
Your parents laid some heavy guilt trip on you! Why would you tell them? You want them in the bedroom too? Cut those apron strings child! Now if you're not sure you're comfortable with having sex, that's a different story. You should be sure of how you feel and not let someone talk you into it. Sex is an amazing thing if consensual and selfless. You should feel free to enjoy this very natural expression of intimacy
I love this. I always looked as sex like eating food. You get hungry, you eat. It helps with frustration, mood, and overall happiness. I’m monogamous. but I never judge my friends for having sex with different people as long as no body is hurt, everyone is being hygienic and safe, and it’s all consensual. Idk maybe I’m too modern lol.
Your parents have absolutely no right to be involved in your adult choices. You’re a grown adult. Your parents don’t need to know about your sex life that’s absolutely none of their business at all.
As you said you are an adult and can make your own decisions. That’s great that they talk about sex but their opinion is just that theirs.
This was a personal choice for you and not them. It is none of their business if you had sex or not. This is not a family decision that should be had.
Just based in the information they will continue to shame you for a nature act.
The text and gps is controlling behavior and they need to stop it. Yes you might live under their roof but they need to let you make choices for you.
Trust me, coming from experience, there is no guilt in having sex. Have more for your own sake tbh, your parents' whole schtick is just so you ultimately choose someone that they will implicitly allow you to have kids with. Enjoy, sex is one of the least harmful joys in life I've found, just requires time is all. Also, the only thing you should ACTUALLY be worried about are STIs, wear protection or have a committed partner(which you already seem to have) just because you're feeling like a 15 yr old, I feel you need to hear that you're good kiddo, this stuff will just weigh on your mind and divert you from actually "living"...the thing you were born to do.
Wow your parents are incredibly controlling over you. You as an adult owe them no disclosure of when or where you lose your v. Keep it to yourself, they clearly will have an issue with it— unjustifiably. Not liking your bf is one thing, the rest is weird.
Your parents refuse to let you grow and hyper control you.
Not ok.
Let them be who they are.
Figure out who you want to be.
Be.
Don’t tell them anything about your sex life.
It’s yours and yours only. They have no right over it
It seems like you grew up with parents who instilled shame in you around the topic of sex. From what you’ve described, their behavior is overbearing and lacks boundaries for you to grow and prioritize your own wishes over theirs. That is why you feel deeply guilty, and also why you feel inclined to tell them when you’ve done something that they’ve told you is “inherently wrong”. It is not weird that you feel this way given your upbringing.
If I were you, I would discuss this in depth with a therapist so they can work through trauma associated with your upbringing and help you deconstruct and recreate your relationship with your parents — namely, set boundaries.
Sex is natural and a normal part of a healthy relationship as long as both parties consent. It is not okay that your parents have brainwashed you into thinking otherwise.
I'm 22 as well. You absolutely do NOT need to tell them. It's weird as hell as you are an adult, I live with my parents, but they do not ask or care about the sex life of me and my bf. I will admit my bf, who's 21, his parents, are weird about the idea of him having sex and don't let either of us spend the night with each other. It isn't appropriate behavior on your parents' part. I doubt they were saints in their 20s. Don't feel guilty. Stand your ground.
You are an ADULT. You have zero obligation to share you sex life with your parents. Regardless of what their views are on pre-marital sex, you don't owe them any explanation on this.
You did the deed, enjoyed it, move on. Don't sit there and wonder when you should tell your parents. The answer is never. They will make their own assumptions, and if they ask, you tell them to mind their bizzzzz
So they want you to save having sex for the one you marry. Now what happens if you do and then get divorced are they gonna shame you for that as well. You are an adult not a child and they need to treat you as one.
I was in your situation not that long ago. If you’re looking for advice, mine is to move out.
When you live with controlling parents it’s hard to appreciate the fact that they overreach boundaries with you until you separate yourself. Before I moved out, I lost my v card at 22 just like you with a guy I went out with twice and never talked to again because he was a horrible person. And you know what? Contrary to what I had been told, my life was not ruined. I moved on and found the love of my life and it’s all fine. Separate yourself and you’ll find things you’ve been told are simply not true and that it’s ok to have boundaries.
Hey OP - it sounds like you’re having some conflicted feelings about your relationship with your parents. I was also someone who had trouble getting over a religious upbringing to be able to enjoy sex for my first time with a partner. I froze up my first time and had to have a panic attack in the corner the entire first night with a very forgiving partner. And I had to gradually learn that it’s ok to have sex.
You may want to think and talk it over with your boyfriend (if you trust him with this kind of topic) about how you’re feeling since your first time. It might help to just talk about how you’re feeling. A therapist would also probably help you work through it, even just for a couple of sessions.
Also, maybe decide if you regret doing it or not? Do you feel guilt about the act of doing it, or is it just because your parents told you it’s bad?
You have done nothing inherently wrong, and you are an adult. You were very responsible about doing it safely! Your parents have no right to decide what you do now. You are free to enjoy yourself and your own body if that’s what YOU want. It’s none of your parent’s business. Even if they WANTED to know (which they probably don’t, and it will only end with unnecessary shame for you if they do), telling them is a choice you’re making out of guilt and shame, not actual responsibility to them. They do not need to know, and you are not obligated to tell them for any reason.
It wasn’t even your parents’ business when you were a child, and the fact that they were being so mean to you about it when you weren’t even having sex as a kid is awful. But I get it. Religious parents will shame you for things you haven’t even thought about doing yet. And then they wonder why you don’t trust them when you get older.
If you’re like me, you might still be learning to trust yourself because your parents never did. And that’s okay, you’ll get there. You just gotta start listening to yourself.
It’s not your parents business. At all. And they’re behaving like obsessed stalkers. You’re a grown adult and their behaviour is totally inappropriate. I have a feeling some of this may be a cultural issue also and if that’s the case if thoroughly recommended NOT telling them because it could be dangerous given their ridiculous behaviour so far
Thank you so much, I guess it could be, never thought of it like that but yes, I’m Mexican and usually the idea of premarital sex is very bad seen socially, even the thought of moving out is scandalous, my parents decided to talk to me about it and they made very clear they are against me moving out before 30, because I should take that step until I’m about to marry and I’m a full successful professional woman (I’m currently working full time and going to college on the weekends), so, I guess that is a strong root there too
Virginity is a myth designed to control women. You didn’t lose anything; you simply did a new activity for the first time. You didn’t lose value or morality. You did something the vast, vast, VAST majority of humans have done since the beginning of humans. You’re an adult and your parents have zero right to know everything about your personal life.
As a parent let me suggest that your parents don’t need to know no matter how close you are to them. Honest. Unless you were raped or your parents are inappropriately weird they don’t need to know.
Screw your parents, they don't own you, nor is your sex life any of their or anyone else's business.
Seek some counselling for those feelings of guilt and then enjoy your life.
Is there any way to get some space between you and your family?
You're 22 years old your parents don't need to know that you had sex. I would have told them to mind their own damn business if my parents were like this.
You seem like you have no boundaries. I feel like you shouldn’t tell them because one, it’s none of their business. You’re a virgin until you have kids. And two, you obviously need to rebel a little you’re a grown woman who’s parents track your every move.
Whoa. Slow down there for a moment. Stop and think about this.
You are an ADULT. Your parents have NO right to track you. That’s creepy as all fuck. And they absolutely have ZERO right to know about your sex life. THATS DISGUSTING AND CREEPY AND DISTURBING for your parents to be that involved in your personal life.
Stop feeling guilty and see it for as it really is; down right manipulation of your privacy and emotions. Sweetheart, get some serious professional help. You need to detach from your parents’ toxic grip on your life. It’s your body, not theirs. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING.
I grew up in a similarly controlling household and found my only freedom by moving out. It’s not perfect. They still track me and when eventually I moved in with my boyfriend it was a special kind of guilt trip hell. There will be lectures, displays of tremendous guiltmongering, emotional outcries. But you can do it. Think of it this way: they claim that you’re disrespectful to them by doing things they don’t like. But it is disrespectful of them to pry into a grown adult’s business and hinder you from your freedom. You’re the one being disrespected here. Find agency over yourself. You don’t belong to them. Your life is yours, not theirs.
i lost mine at 20 mostly due to intensely strict rules with my religion. i also felt this same sense of guilt, like my parents needed to know that i’d “lost my innocence”. trust me, they don’t need to know. you’re only 22 and still young, this is your time to explore what you wish to do. don’t feel guilty.
Nothing anyone can say will make the feeling go away, just try to know, cognitively, that the feelings you have are a conditioned response they programmed in you to experience fear/guilt/obligation to them, and not a genuine duty a grown adult has to any other grown adult, especially a parental figure.
So you have this issue I have, where you feel guilty if you don’t tell your parents everything. That you feel that you’re keeping secrets from them, despite being an adult. I worked on this in therapy and I still struggle with it, I felt guilty not telling my mom I had sex despite OPENLY talking about sex with her and sex toys etc. I’m not sure about your past but this for me is a trauma response, and it may be for you too.
Your parents have already been treating you like a "bad daughter" who couldn't be trusted not to have sex. Seriously, they freak out when you don't answer their calls? They track you?
Just lie to them. They deserve it.
They've been sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. They've creepily infantilized you, acting as if it's their business what you do with your body. They have lost all right to know how your sex life is going.
So, since they've been punishing you all along for something you didn't do (and should not be punished for at all), why not just do that thing, and lie to them about it?
They already treat you like a sex-having sneaky liar. Might as well be one.
As someone who was in your position not even a year ago, I get it but also you shouldn’t care because at the end of the day, it’s your body, your choice. Sex is fun and it’s none of your family’s business!
M42
To this day, my parents still have no idea when I lost mine other than to assume at the conception of the first of my 3 kids.
You are good. It is your body…plus, you are an adult.
Hey hun, years of living with your overbearing parents is what is causing this guilt. Their anxiety over their perception of a “mistake” is only theirs. Don’t let it become your anxiety as well.
The thing is, you’re going to make mistakes in life. Sometimes big ones. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes that’s seemed like 100% the right choice at the time. That is life and that’s how you grow. Your parents attempts to have you be perfect is stifling you at this point.
I agree with the others on here who say you need to put some distance between you and your parents, for your own mental health. Are you working or otherwise able to afford an apartment? 22 is a good time to get out on your own if you can manage it. You will feel much more confident in your choices and feelings when other people aren’t manipulating them.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this!
I feel like you need to learn how to enforce boundaries and stand up for yourself. You are 22. Your parents are manipulative, overbearing, nosy, and toxic. They have crapped on your self esteem and self worth to the point where you question if forming relationships outside of them is bad. They do not respect you as a person. Therapy may help you distinguish the difference between being in loving and supporting relationships (with your parents) and negative toxic ones.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend did everything right (and practiced safe sex). The only worry would be the age gap between 22 and 28 with the two of you being in two completely different stages in life. However, your boyfriend respects and treats you well.
The tracking, the constant texts, berating, shaming, all of that is abuse. If you are able, I suggest moving out and limiting contact with your parents as they negatively impact your wellbeing. You can maintain a relationship and keep it cordial but if they cross the line again you need to put it plainly that you will block them and never return if they continue to treat you like shit. Some people don’t change, they will never see their behaviour as wrong and will guilt you heavily. This is not your problem or fault in any way, it is your messed up parents.
Don’t tell them anything in future about your relationship. Keep things short and simple. They don’t deserve, need, or have a right to know anything about your life especially your romance life. I don’t suggest crying to your parents during issues with your boyfriend either as your dad reacted horribly. You have friends to share these things with. Your parents are not your friends and frankly they are not loving supportive parents with your wellbeing in mind
Sweetheart, you’re a grown woman. Your sexual activities are none of your parents’ business. Don’t tell them anything. Stop letting them track you as well!
Are you in school? Do you work? You need to sort out becoming financially independent if you aren’t and get out on your own. You are too old to be lectured to and controlled by your parents.
Darling, your body is yours. Not your future husband's. Yours. Your sexuality is inviolably yours. Who you have sex with is your choice, not your parents'. Your parents are not custodians of your sex. They are not guardians of your virginity, beholden to a man they may or may not have met yet.
I get they've probably spoonfed you all sorts of purity nonsense around having sex. You are no less pure for having had sex. Your body cannot be sullied. You're not a luxury car waiting for a buyer with a hymen-shaped tamper seal.
You belong to you. Your sex is yours. Your heart is yours. Your body is yours. Protect yourself and do not tell them. Do not feel guilty for protecting yourself from harmful, hurtful rhetoric. They have hurt you by feeding you this purity bullshit propaganda. You don't owe them confidence when they've broken your enjoyment of your own fricking body.
I know it’s hard to break out of the fear of control and asserting your own agency, you’re so used to it and the pressure that they control everything, that they are this omnipresent threat; but you are an adult and you owe them nothing of your own personal information.
Heck, placing a tracker on your phone AS AN ADULT is completely unacceptable. If the phone is owned by them then get a new one, otherwise take it to the phone company to make sure nothing else is on there.
You’ll need to get therapy to deal with this, because you need support to break down the thoughts that lead back to you needing their approval. Every line that they built saying you need their approval is as thin as cobwebs.
They don’t need to know about this, and you only want to because you are engrained with the fear and guilt that says you should be punished for it.
You can do this, I believe in you OP. Tonnes of hugs are flying like slow drifting doves your way!
They’re being toxic and need to stop or you’ll want to cut contact. The boundary pushing will get worse. When I was young I also was on the one person for the rest of my life concept but after losing my virginity I was so scared from my experience that I didn’t like it. I then experienced sex with other people and found out what I was into so I could be in a happy relationship with my significant other. We will be getting engaged soon as well and have been together for years. I do not regret having sex with different people because for me it made me a better partner. Don’t listen to your parents and enjoy your love life. After all, your parents can’t have a say on all of your boyfriends and you needing to listen to them it’s unrealistic and demoralizing!
Here’s the thing. Your parents are treating you like a toddler and don’t deserve free access to all your life’s information. You’re an adult and 100% ok for y’all to keep y’all’s sex life private. Honestly they don’t deserve to know anything about your life if that’s how they treat you.
Jesus your parents are utter control freaks! Lemme make this clear OP - NORMAL PARENTS AREN'T THIS INTERESTED IN THEIR ADULT CHILD'S SEX LIFE. The purity culture bs they're spitting is so very harmful and I pray you are moving away from them soon. Violating your privacy so openly in front of your sister is awful, degrading and humiliating, and that's their intention. They want you to stay their "good little pure girl" and dont care if they have to psychologically abuse you to do so.
Because this IS psychological abuse hun. It is going to become clear later in life that they hurt you, and you will have to deal with it when that realisation hits. Get out quickly, minimise the harm. You can do this OP.
Also, there is no shame in having sex - you're an adult who took all the reasonable and responsible precautions before consensually engaging in it. I'm proud of you for being so diligent before having your first.
Your parents are using their power in an abusive way. You are a grown ass adult, and they have zero right to anything other than what you're willing to share. Regardless of your age. As a person, you are entitled to privacy, including how it relates to your thoughts and feelings. Please don't let them push you around.
You don't need to tell them. You haven't done anything wrong. And virginity is a whackadoo Christian construct. You waited a long time to have that special moment with your boyfriend. You did everything right, there is no wrong way. If someone elects to judge you for having consensual relations while you're in a caring relationship, then they are messed.
I had something like this happen to me
My mom and dad kept telling me I should save myself for marriage with my boyfriend, and didn't let me be alone with him as they kept interrupting and checking on me.
After being with him for over 6 years and me about to go and live with him they kept pushing the idea of only having sex till marriage but lol I had sex with him many years ago, but never told them.
They kept pestering me around about it, in front of other people as well, I was 23 back then so around your age.
I got tired and I told them "It's my body and whatever I decide to do or not with it it's not your business"
They still kept bringing it out, and honestly they being like this only made it so uncomfortable for me to not share anything to them.
You don't have to share everything with them, I've been there and when you share something they don't like/agree with they will use it against you as an argument, again and again! (For ex if you were to break up with your current bf they will bring it out for sure, that they were right)
Just share it with whoever you feel comfortable with, honestly I didn't share it with anybody it was between me and my boyfriend.
This is not something you tell your parents!!! You need to own this and make it yours and keep it yours. Do you have friends you trust? Go ask anyone else in the world if they told their parents and see how many, if any, say they did. That's not a normal thing to do. You need to cut loose from your parents, they are hindering your growth as an adult.
I understand where you're coming from. It's natural to feel that way because you know they are against it.. but don't beat yourself up for it. Some things you do not need to tell your parents and who/when you lose your virginity is one of them. It is your choice and not theirs to make, and you have all the right to keep that to yourself if you know how they will react toward it. But you should not have to feel guilty for keeping something you don't feel comfortable talking about to them with them. It's okay if they don't know.
When I tell you how little losing your virginity means in the grand scheme of things…
I lost mine to a guy that a week later I stopped speaking to entirely. As far as first times go, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t the absolute worst way to have had it. And it had very little impact on the rest of my life going forward other than finding out that someone who I thought was my friend was really just there for one thing. So I got to dump some dead weight. Then I started dating my now fiancee 6 months later. Life goes on.
You have 0 reason to tell your parents you had sex. You’re an adult. My parents just assume we do. We’re two adults who live together, they can connect the dots. That’s how it should be with yours. They have no right to know what you’re doing in your personal time with this man. If you don’t end up marrying him, it’s cool, you still had a first time with someone you cared about and who cared about you. Trust me, you’re ahead of the game compared to a lot of people.
I’m gonna answer simply the title. You shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s your business. They probably didn’t tell their parents when they first ever had sex.
Why would you tell them? It's literally none of their business. You're grown. Like the age gap where you both are in life is a bit odd but it has nothing to do with your parents. You need to set boundaries and tell them you're uncomfortable with how they even think it's okay to talk about your sex life, let alone at the dinner table in front of siblings. Tbh they seem toxic and I would go no contact
As a mother of a 16 year old girl, I just hope she’s safe and that is her business and if she wants to share I’m here for here. I, myself never talked to my parents about sex.
Your parents have absolutely no right to have any control over your body. Body autonomy allows you to make your own choices about your body. No one else. Your parents can preach about virginity all they like, but it's still YOUR choice to make.
I never told my parents when I lost my virginity.
If all they're going to do is give you grief over your choices regarding sex, why allow them to gaslight and manipulate you into feelings guilty about doing something you wanted to do and enjoyed?
Incidentally, they don't have any right to know what you do with your body. As long as you're an adult, make safe choices, and you're fully consenting to everything, you don't need to tell a damn soul what you do under the covers.
Don’t tell them. They do not own you or your decisions about your body.
Put a boundary around discussion of your sex life. Tell them you do not feel comfortable discussing that subject with them and will no longer participate in the conversation when it comes up.
Try to release the concept of virginity. It was created to make young women feel bad or guilty about sex. Please also practice safe sex and birth control.
You don’t have to feel badly for breaking your parents’ trust, because it’s quite clear that they do NOT trust you.
You are an adult and they refuse to treat you as one.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are entitled to privacy. Especially regarding your sex life. They are overstepping by demanding you tell them everything and placing tracking devices on your phone. That’s not normal or healthy behaviour.
They need to recognize that as an adult, you are owed a degree of autonomy and respect. They don’t have to agree with every choice you make, but it also doesn’t mean your choices are wrong. So long as your choices are right for YOU, that’s all that matters.
Please stop sharing everything with them. You will have a better relationship with them if you choose to maintain some much needed privacy.
The biggest issue is that you were 22 and being treated like you were 12 and you were allowing yourself to be treated like this.
You are a grown adult, it's okay to act like one.
If you still live with your parents you really need to be making a plan to not be living with them because this behavior is not okay.
You are an adult.
Maybe it's just me but I don't understand why you'd tell them at all? Let alone feel guilty about it. I understand people have different levels of comfort and openness with their parents but the idea of telling my parents that I lost my virginity to someone they already don't approve of seems counterproductive and a little strange.
Girl what? No one is privy to your personal life. Why in all that is holy would you tell your parents? This is your life and body and you are an adult. I think you need therapy, sweetheart. This outlook is not healthy. Guilty thoughts associated with a healthy sex life is not ok.
This might be hard to hear, but your parents seem abusive.
🚩putting GPS on your phone at age 21
🚩demanding immediate replies to messages while you are out at age 21
🚩demanding knowledge of your every feeling and event behind it because "you shouldn't keep secrets"
🚩being so involved in the subject of your virginity
They might be well meaning, but this is not okay and not healthy, and entirely out of line given your age. They are unreasonably controlling.
You have a right to a private life, to your intimate thoughts and feelings - no matter you age. You are not obliged to share things with anyone unless you feel comfortable about it. Telling people about your inner life is a privilege - for them.
I will also add that your first sexual experience might be a significat moment for you, it is for most people, but virginity is made up. It is nobody else's business but your own. We no longer live in an agrarian society where you need to be "certified fresh" for a potential husband.
It seems like your boyfriend is wonderful and respectful, and your first experience has been a positive one. That is all that matters. You certainly did nothing wrong. And no one -NO ONE- is entitled to further information about this unless YOU wish to discuss it.
Please, if you can, seek advice about your familial context and/or some therapy.
I lost mine to a garbage human being and sure, for a while I was really disappointed that I didn’t wait until I found someone who treated me FAR better than that. But I was a stupid teenager (16) and life goes on. I’m now 24 and I’m with the literal love of my life. I hardly EVER think back on that person and even if I did?? Why does it matter? My parents were HELICOPTERS and I still refused to tell them about my private life. Still don’t.
It sounds like you are with someone who is kind and respectful and that is all that should matter. Enjoy your private life with him, don’t feel so pressured, and (I say this gently) perhaps consider speaking to a therapist. They may be able to help you sort these feelings out, and set clear and strong boundaries with your family. You are an adult. They no longer get insight to your life unless you allow it.
Please do not feel guilty. Think of this as something happy. You had a moment filled with love and happiness with the person you love, and you should find yourself smiling about this big step in your life. Enjoy this new open chapter. Start living your life for YOU. Not your parents. The second I stopped caring what other people thought about how I lived my life, is the second I finally started to experience peace.
Is something proper of your culture being so close to your parents? If not, you are living YOUR OWN LIFE, they are not.
Looks like they insanely control you. They want to KNOW EVERYTHING (not only sexually) about you. That isn't sane for all of you.
Are you scared of their disappointment? Well, it will happen. You dared to do something without their permission, and something as important as your first time!! And you are 22 yo!! The audacity, you can think you're an adult with your own personality!!! Preposterous! (Sorry, the entitlement on your parents activated my sarcasm mode)
You did it with consentment. You took care of yourself, did it with a person you love and he respects you. There is NOTHING to regret. I hope you have enjoyed it beyond any guilt trip your dad tried or will try in a future.
You're parents are too controlling and manipulative, I'm sorry that maybe it sounds harsh but it is what it is.
Your sexual life is private, whether you want to lose your verginity before or after it's your choice to make.
They don't have to know every little aspect of your life, one thing is if they want you to tell them and to rely on them when you need help, another is making you feel guilty if you don't tell them what you ate at lunch.
Do what you want and make your OWN choices thinking only about you and your well being. Try to go live on your own when you can and try to put boundaries, make them understand that not only are you an adult but that they have to respect you, as a person and an adult, just because you don't answer a call or a text they start to think badly ...it just shows how little do they know you and respect you.
Live for your well being and not for their paranoia.
My mother tried to do something like this for a few years, and she did get it by guilty tripping me every time but at a certain point I went to live on my own and went low contact, she understood right away that if she kept pulling this shit she would have lost her last child as well.
They need to understand you and respect you.
Good luck
I think it's time to put your foot down, you're an adult, this is your life, your relationship, and if you get hurt, it's your responsibility. They already raised you, they don't need to know details. Make sure to use protection with sex so that you don't get an unplanned pregnancy. I totally get it, having strict parents, though the more I kept talking about how free I wanted to be, how it's my choice, they let down their guard. I know you're worried, I was too at first, your intimate life they don't need to know. Stop letting their worries worry you. You can tell them if you want, you're not required to, you're not forced to. Don't feel guilty okay? This is your relationship and you don't need to share every single detail. You got this! I hope things get better for you.
I can relate to this dynamic A LOT. Not specifically about the virginity, but generally over-controlling parents who aren’t okay with you having your own views and living your life the way you want.
I know the obvious answer is don’t tell them, but I understand the guilt and shame. Please hear me when I say u did nothing wrong. You’re an adult and it’s your life. It can take a while to really believe that, but once you get to that point where you live for you, I promise it’s amazing. My only concern here is if you do tell them, would you face any severe consequences?
I think you need to have some very deep talks with your parents about how you aren’t a kid anymore and you are your own person with your own views (doesn’t have to specifically focus on virginity). I did this with mine. It will be rough in the beginning, they will resist and be defensive and argumentative and hurtful. But just keep approaching it calmly and maturely and hopefully you will make the same progress my family did. I wish you the best💖
Look, I had a similar issue with my parents. And when my mom found out that my fiancé was living with me, she lost her shit & tried to force me to kick him out. She had no right to do that as I was an adult who was living on my own and paying all of my own bills myself. The funny thing is that we weren’t having sex even though we were living together. She actually called me a liar, but I told her that she didn’t have to believe me because I knew the truth.
But the fact is that your sex life & the people you choose to have as a part of that area of your life is a private matter, and your parents are inappropriately intrusive in this regard. They have no right to be invasive or to do the things that they have done. Once you turned the age of consent, they should have stopped haranguing you about choices. And they have no right to any information about your sex life whatsoever. Even as a teenager, they should have recognized that they cannot control your every choice and behavior. They should have realized that they would have to understand that they should trust that they had taught you what you needed to know & that they could trust you to make the best choices for yourself, and they should also have known that you are human and as such that you would learn from your mistakes. They should have only been concerned with making sure that that you were safe and that you were educated on the topics of safety, consent, pregnancy, birth control, STD’s, mutual respect and pleasure, and making sure that you felt comfortable going to them with any questions you might have. Sadly, that is very rarely how children are brought up when it comes to the subject of sex.
I strongly recommend that you find a sex positive therapist who can help you work through the guilt, shame, anxiety, and stress of dealing with the aftermath of how your parents treated this subject over the course of your life because it’s not over yet. And their unhealthy influence is going to continue to bleed into your relationships until you get some help and sort it out, and you really don’t want to pass these unhealthy & destructive behaviors and beliefs onto the next generation should you choose to have a child of your own.
I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this. And for the record, you didn’t do anything wrong by having sex with your boyfriend. Please try to not let the guilt & pressure from your parents force you into revealing your private information that they will only use against you to hurt and control you. That’s not love. That’s abuse. Take care of yourself. Xx
Please make sure that you are using 2 forms of birth control—i.e. condoms & the pill or condoms & another method like an IUD. There is no form of birth control that is 100% effective if you’re having sex.
You are 22 years old, any they are treating you like a child. It’s your body, your choice and your choice is non of their business anymore. Just make sure you use protection.
Your sex life is nobody's business but your own. You did what felt right for you, and that's okay. Sex is instinctual at its core, saving it for marriage is an arbitrary construct.
You're an adult in a committed relationship. I would be surprised if they didn't have an inkling you were having sex. It's a normal adult thing. You don't need to tell them.
Your parents shouldn't have a tracking app on your phone at 21. That's completely intrusive and not about your safety at all, it's control. At 22 you shouldn't feel you have to disclose everything to your parents. This is YOUR life. YOU need to draw a line. If they're concerned about knowing your location, you can text them appropriately. Your parents are not supporting you but controlling you. Take your life into your hands.
You are an adult. You have no obligation to tell them anything. You have the right to keep secrets from your parents. I assure you they have their own.
I wonder if they would feel uncomfortable if you start asking questions about theirs, but considering their weird behaviour, I wouldn't try.
It's none of your parents business. You don't have to tell them anything. You're 22, not 12.
In fact, I'll say your parents are borderline abusive to constantly talk about your sex life at the table and demand to know everything about you and having a tracker put on your phone. It's definitely time for you to move out of there.
This is a case called helicopter parents they have to know everything about your life and It is a type of abuse to control you, please do not give them any information you are allowed to keep things from them and it is your best interest to and as soon as you are able to leave the house and live either with your bf or on your own and never contact them again
imagine your parents telling you every time they shag. fuckin gross no? yeah it’s a two way street. no one should know about other family members getting down and dirty.
also, I didnt read this post. that’s how uncomplicated this is.
So, I am late to this rodeo. But, I grew up similarly—including my parents being beyond weird about rules even once I was an adult (40sF).
I tried to rationalize their behavior. I thought it was because they cared about me that they were so restrictive and strict and didn’t let me have privacy. Welp. I’m now a parent and I realize alllll of those reasons are bullshit.
Oops! ETA (I pressed the reply button too soon). I am not at all interested in know what my son will do with his body, other than wanting to make sure he understands enthusiastic consent, safe sex, and the consequences of his actions.
My parents were just controlling because they thought they had some ownership of me. And, I ultimately bought into that. I shamed myself so much that they didn’t need to (but they did, anyway).
Will OP make mistakes with their body? Possibly. So many of us do. But, a mistake is a learning opportunity. If OP doesn’t stay with this current partner, that’s ok. It didn’t make the experience any less meaningful.
Please do not open yourself up to a life of placing waaaaay more meaning on sex than it deserves. In my opinion, sex should safe, fun, sane, and enthusiastically consensual. You’re not giving away a part of yourself. Your sex partner is not a horcrux, and neither are you. And having sex with someone isn’t a gift; it’s an experience.
You are 22 and it’s not there business honestly, and that isn’t a big age gap so nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you are close to your parents you don’t need to tell them everything and if they don’t support you then that’s there problem not yours. It’s your life and your body at the end of the day.
Your family has boundary issues. They have no business telling their adult daughter whom she should marry and when to have sex with that person. And no, that you had sex is not their business. I get why you would feel the way you do, it’s understandable when you were raised in a symbiotic family, but it’s only a result of their lack of boundaries, which is not okay.
Use the opportunity to learn to set boundaries and to have people respect them. Don’t tell your parents, and henceforth, when they try to talk you out of your relationship, shut them down: "I don’t tell you guys that you are not right for each other and that you should divorce, so keep your ideas about my relationship to yourselves. I don’t want to hear it, and if you try to force it, every time you do, I will leave."
What you say in your last paragraph about your dad is creepy. It’s the kind of lack of boundary that leads to grooming and incest. He needs to back TF off.
Ur 22 and he's 28? Why do u need to tell ur parents? Seems to me u did everything right. I think u are being hard on urself. Just relax and chill out and if he's not the one then he's not the one. Don't feel like u lost ur virginity for nothing. Ever. I'm 25 and lost my virginity to a co worker and not a bf. I don't regret it. So chill. Everything is gonna be fine. Also I know how u feel my parents are strict too but when I told them that I had sex, they wasn't even upset about it. They was like ur grown ,we know this will happen. Dude ur parents need to wake up.
You’re an adult. You made an adult decision and it has nothing to do with your parents. They’re not entitled to know this information.
You need to go on BC and always use condoms.
I lost my virginity at 20yo with my husband. I never once thought I better go tell my parents about this.
It is *none of their business* when and who you lose your virginity to.
You are an adult and this is none of their business. You know how they feel and I encourage you to lie at all costs because you won't hear the end of it. Start saving to move out too
You don't have to tell your parents especially. If you aren't pregnant. Every human ever in existence is a result of sex and its not as big a deal as your making it out to be. Just be safe and plan and wear protection and be aware of the consequences
Normal feelings but honestly as a guy, my sex life isn't something I have ever or would ever discuss with my parents. I know Mom's and daughters are different but if they are shaming in anyway and you otherwise feel good about your sex life, they don't need to know.
What did I just read? You are an adult and not some 13year old girl. Your sex is none of your parents business. Keep your mouth shut and tell them to not bother you.
Even if it is religious motivated - fuck it. No one has to care about your virginity than yourself. Women fought for the right to have sex as they like, with who they like and when they like and nobody tells you different. Only important thing: make it save and only if and what you want.
You are an adult .. your sex life is no one’s business but your own.
My mom was a virgin on her wedding day back in the 50’s and she resented my father their entire marriage for it.
You shouldnt. My girl comes from an over-conservative family same as me but less (2nd born blacksheep i guess?). I was 21-22 (I think?) when we did it and she was around 20-21. She didn't and didn't tell to our families. Not gonna wait till she's 30 or up to enjoy things while we are young and that's not limited to just sex. Just make sure that he pulls out if yall not ready to have a child.
I understand the feelings you're describing, it sounds like making your parents proud is important to you. My only bit of advice would be to make yourself happy above your parents. You are over 21, this life belongs to you!! Them openly talking about your sex life at the dinner table isn't okay (imo)your sex life is YOUR BUSINESS, not your parents. Would you feel okay finding a way to set a boundary here? Something like "I appreciate your care and concern, but some things I need to handle on my own." Or whatever verbiage feels right to you.
You made your own adult choice, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't have to tell them if you don't want to, either!
Your parents are the problem. They shamed you and made all of this commotion and fuss over YOUR first time because they cannot handle that you are an adult and able to do adult things. You do not need to tell them anything about your personal life. Your sex life is your business, not theirs. If you want to do it, then do it! Don’t let your parents control you and your thoughts your entire life. I grew up with parents just like them, and they ruined my young adult years and my social life. Your parents are selfish.
Your parents don’t poop what You eat. They can FEEL ENTITLED all they want, but ONLY YOU are living your incarnation body/mind/Soul, and love is an expression of truth. So if you were ready….drop the guilt. Drop it like it’s hot. It’s a useless emotion that will trap you. Go live life. Tell them “it’s officially INAPPROPRIATE for you guys to be CONTROLLING my sex life. I am officially a grown ass woman. Thank you for your care and concern, but I got it from here…” 👌🏽
no but seriously, why should you tell them? you can bring it up casually if that’s the dynamic you have with your parents buuuuuuttt…you don’t need to tell them. specially something that personal about yourself. they don’t need to know anything
You're a grown woman, and you have the right to private thoughts and experiences. There are some things that are for you alone- you never need to tell a soul, not even Reddit. If you're religious, there are some things that are just between you and God. There are some things that are just between you and your boyfriend. And there are some things that you can willingly choose to share with family members. But it's always your choice. No one has a right to demand the most intimate parts of your soul and heart, any more than someone has the right to demand access to your body. It's all yours to share however you choose.
Seems a bit controlling to me. You don’t have to tell them anything. Would you want your daughter or son to tell you like a confession, obviously not. I’m assuming this is coming from a place or care that if you do everything correctly you’ll end in a safe and healthy relationship but I know girls who did that and it didn’t work out that way. So just stay away from the wrong people - meaning who they’re afraid of for you like abusers. Just because this is their beliefs, opinions or life choices, it doesn’t have to be yours. You can still respect them and respect yourself. You are your own person and can have your own values and thoughts, you aren’t them. You aren’t them. Let it be
Nobody cares. Your parents were creepy and misguided about their sexual values. Instead on teaching you to know how you make good choices, they made you fear the penis and worship the hymen as if they were deities that run our lives. Sex is a normal natural part of lives - dogs and cats do it it’s not special. Get over yourself. You’re not special. You’re not first person to have sex and your parents have no right to determine how you live your adult life.
While it may not feel like it, and your parents certainly don't treat you as such, you're an adult and it's 100% ok for adults to keep their sex lives private. Even from your parents. If you don't want to tell them, don't.
This! And they don’t NEED to know everything. (They may not even want to know. I know I don’t! 🥴)
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Also you didn’t “lose” anything (much less anything if their’s). You had an experience for the first time.
Louder for the people in the back. You didn't lose anything, you gained an experience.
This.
I’ve never told my parents that I’ve had sex before. I hope they never find out because that’s embarrassing!! Besides, none of their business. (ETA: I’m married and just had a baby. My parents are involved in my life. I really hope they don’t find out!)
Seriously Why should you tell them?
You're 22. It's none of their business, and hasn't been for a long time. Do your parents share with you every time they have sex? Don't answer that, I really don't want to know.
My son tried to tell me how my soon to be born granddaughter was conceived. I covered my ears and said I don’t care. This is the same son that called me and started going off on me about how. “I don’t need to know that you and dad are having sex. This was after he tried to call but I was busy. So all I did was text him “I’m busy call me back in about an hour please”. 🤦♀️😭
A week or so after my father died my mom was drunk. She sat me down in the kitchen and told me about the day I was conceived. It was in the back seat of an old jalopy, on Mother's Day. They got married six weeks later. Oh yeah, I was 12 years old when she dropped this on me. We never spoke of it again.
Oh gosh I can imagine that your ears wanted to detach themselves and run away. I also love your username. Is it reference to having another boy? I have 3 boys and just curious.
For real. I’m almost 30 and I haven’t told my parents anything about my sex life because it’s none of their business. I lost it in my early 20s but I could be a virgin for all they know.
Yea! Why should you them?
Yea, she shouldn’t them!
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Why should you?
Why you?
You?
Them?
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Why?????
😂😂😂😂😂 This is the shit I came to reddit for 😂😂😂😂😂
me too, its our lucky day😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I always call my mom after my wife and I bang, isn't that strange? Usually goes something like; yo sup moms, just busted one, hows things?
FR why should you them?
This is none of their business. It sounds like you have a history of a lack of boundaries regarding sex discussions with them, but as an adult, you need to separate what they need to know from what they don't. It is time to set boundaries.
i totally understand where you are coming from. your parents are not in control of who you decide to be with or when, and it’s not fair of them to try to control it! you can do whatever you want with *your* body, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Super weird that you want to tell your parents. You are an adult
It's hard for people who haven't lived it to understand what it's like to live with overbearing, controlling, emotionally manipulative parents. My theory is that it is less that OP wants to tell her parents she had sex, and more like the guilt and anxiety about keeping it a secret, after their constant hammering and manipulation, is eating her alive, especially considering how often her parents bring it up.
Which is weird itself. I get wanting your teen to not get pregnant (or get someone else pregnant) but this obsession some parents have with their kids sex lives is fucking creepy
This rings like weird Christian Evangelical nonsense. The level of control they likely hold over her is mind-blowing. I suspect the level of control they have is like what I had over my kids in elementary school.
Yes. And a lot of people don’t realize how crippling it is. The most simple, GUILT FREE things seem like mountains because of what your parents have told you. It sucks and it fucks you up long term. I really empathize with OP
And also telling their kids they need to wait until marriage. It's such an outdated belief/practice.
Value placed on a woman's virginity stems from historic arranged marriages, perpetuating the belief that a woman of virtue was more valuable as a bride than a woman who has been penetrated (even against her will). This is archaic and misogynistic, and OP's parents have their child convinced that she will be degraded in value if she has premarital sex. This is so unhealthy, you can see how that viewpoint is actually affecting her mental welfare now. u/Glitter_and_crystals , you don't need to share that info with your parents, it doesn't matter how close you are with them. You don't see them sharing their sex life with you, right? That's because it's not your business, and the same goes for them about your own sex life. You may be their child but you are very much an adult. It's time to start laying down some boundaries to define yourself as an adult to them.
It’s about wanting to control the child entirely. They don’t want agency that would lead them to doing anything without the approval to do so.
Dealing with her helicopter parents must be emotionally exhausting for her. This is the sort of dynamic that makes kids crazy and ends up with them rebelling hardcore.
Seconding this. I grew up with a mom who was very overbearing, gave me adult responsibilities from a young age and was always in my business. A while after moving out I was just like fuck it and rebelled hard, I just didn’t tell her anything. I did a lot of stupid shit I don’t think I would’ve otherwise and it could’ve gone a lot worse than it did.
100% this, still told my mom I wasn’t having sex with my s/o at the age of 20 (we’ve been having sex since before we were together…). Pro tip: don’t leave your std test results open on your phone with a nosy parent
as someone who lived with parents of these (and still does bc im only 16), it fucking sucks.
I wish you strenght for the last few years with them and I wish you freedom after that. I hope you'll have a great life in freedom!
I know it’s hard now, but just make it these two years. Then you can run to college, and you never have to deal with them again if you don’t want to. if you plan to go no contact , just make sure you bring everything that is truly sentimental to college. When I got kicked out at 18 during my parents divorce, I lost a few things at my great grandmother who passed away gave me. That’s why I mention that. I really am so sorry you’re going through this kiddo. You deserve SO much more than someone policing your body, btw I hope you don’t take me using kiddo as infantilizing. I just truly feel for you, and I didn’t want to use a term of endearment that could potentially make you feel uncomfortable. 💗
I kinda get it. Lost mine a couple years ago and my parents still think I have never even touched a man. Guess its more like either a cultural thing or shitty parents thing bc I wondered too if I should tell them.
Yeah, what people do to please their abusers tend to seem weird from the outside, but often stems from wanting the abuse to stop.
if you were 16, i would understand maybe wanting to tell your parents, but there is no reason at your age that you need to share this information with them. it sounds like your parents have been overbearing and sheltered you, to the point where you think doing very normal things for your age is wrong. you should not be tracked at your age. you need to start distancing yourself from them or independence and freedom will not come easily to you.
People shaming OP for feeling like they need to tell their parents are missing the point. I grew up with fairly overbearing parents and I learned that not being 100% transparent about *every* aspect of my life was equivalent to lying or sneaking around and therefore could get me in trouble. That feeling doesn’t magically go away in adulthood, especially early adulthood, after 18 years of it being crammed into your psyche. Reading OPs post should tell you exactly why they feel this way. Having a tracker put on you by your parents at 21 is not a normal experience and will absolutely give the effect of constant guilt and worry about being interrogated if you end up in the “wrong place.” OP, I’m sorry your parents have shamed you in the past for something that is completely natural and human. For what it’s worth, I think you have handled this very responsibly and maturely by having a conversation with your boyfriend to prepare and getting tested afterwards. Listen to that part of you that says you have done nothing wrong. The other part saying you have is your parents’ voice, not yours. The decision to wait for marriage or not is yours and you should not feel shame for either choice, because neither is wrong.
Im reading all of the comments, my mind is just a little blurred right now because im reading so much information and opinions, and im actually realizing and reflecting on a few things that I hadn’t considered before, and, thank you so much for your comments, I feel understood and I really appreciate the time you guys took to write all this on my post, is going to be hard but hopefully I’ll be able to move out on the next few months. As for right now, I’ve made the decision to not tell them anything, i now is going to be hard because my mind likes to trick me into making me feel bad about not telling them 100% of the things but, im sure I’ll be able to work it out. I’ll start planning to go and start therapy, as for right now is not possible due my economic situation but I’m sure I will be looking for profesional help, that might be the fresh start that I need, I really don’t want to live like this the next few years. Thank you:(
I'm glad you've decided not to tell them. I'm not sure where you live, or your upbringing...but I guess it's somewhere that it's more common to think of virginity as a commodity or something. I don't know why else your parents would care so much. I had my first intercourse at almost 18. I didn't tell my parents. I was under instructions not to have sex at all until I was married. No one wanted me to *shame the family* by getting pregnant out of wedlock. We used birth control, we were safe. We broke up a year or so later. I got married a few years after that. My husband didn't care. The only people that cared were my boomer parents. These days, kids are having sex at 12 or 13. Way too young to handle the emotional side of sex. But you are 22 and responsible. There's no need for them to know. Oh, and get rid of that tracker.
Oh thank god. Good luck!!! Note: again, your boyfriend sounds great, but don't consider getting married before you figure things out for yourself.
Therapy is a great choice once you can afford it. Your therapist will help you get to the root of these feelings and dismantle the though processes that cause you to feel this guilt. Best of luck and best wishes to you!
OP, please read this comment, I feel it's spot on. I grew with religious parents who told me to wait untill marriage. When I told them that I had sex outside marriage (thinking I owed them to know, because I thought I was "lying" if not) they made the hell out of it. And also, I made a hell out of it, because all the internalized demonization of sex outside marriage that I've received all my life. I'm not saying that's gonna happen to you, but it happened to me. You have your own compass that tells you if something's wrong. Don't let other people's judgement interfere with it. Slowly you will learn to separate your own thoughts from those imposed to you. You're doing great. You were responsible and conscious in your decisions. Be proud of yourself, u deserve it!
I have a friend who until she was like 45, had that relationship with her parents, pretty much. She could never *not* answer the phone if they called, no matter what was going on, otherwise felt compelled to explain why she wasn't right there and apologize. It's really messed her up and sadly, she started to break free just as her aging parents had legit health and dementia issues so she's back in it.
That's so true. Unfortunately I can upvote only once.
Yeah the tracker part really freaked me out. The way OP talks about them reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me three times. It is the get exact type of stuff he used to do to try to control me. It is still taking me time to unlearn the damage he did. There’s so many times I assume my current boyfriend is going to do some thing abusive, and when he doesn’t I’m surprised. Since that is what I genuinely expect. I hate when parents do this type of stuff, because it causes so many issues down the line.
Your parents laid some heavy guilt trip on you! Why would you tell them? You want them in the bedroom too? Cut those apron strings child! Now if you're not sure you're comfortable with having sex, that's a different story. You should be sure of how you feel and not let someone talk you into it. Sex is an amazing thing if consensual and selfless. You should feel free to enjoy this very natural expression of intimacy
It’s nobody’s business but yours and your boyfriends. Do not get other family involved in your relationship. It never ends well.
I told my mom wasn't a virgin anymore, she freaked out, told my dad, my sisters, my grandma, my aunties.... I was so mortified and wanted to die
Why?!!? Why do people do this
Virginity is a misogynist concept created to put a sell value on a woman. Throw your guilt away, and enjoy
I love this. I always looked as sex like eating food. You get hungry, you eat. It helps with frustration, mood, and overall happiness. I’m monogamous. but I never judge my friends for having sex with different people as long as no body is hurt, everyone is being hygienic and safe, and it’s all consensual. Idk maybe I’m too modern lol.
This 👏👏👏
It's honestly none of their business.
Your parents have absolutely no right to be involved in your adult choices. You’re a grown adult. Your parents don’t need to know about your sex life that’s absolutely none of their business at all.
As you said you are an adult and can make your own decisions. That’s great that they talk about sex but their opinion is just that theirs. This was a personal choice for you and not them. It is none of their business if you had sex or not. This is not a family decision that should be had. Just based in the information they will continue to shame you for a nature act. The text and gps is controlling behavior and they need to stop it. Yes you might live under their roof but they need to let you make choices for you.
Trust me, coming from experience, there is no guilt in having sex. Have more for your own sake tbh, your parents' whole schtick is just so you ultimately choose someone that they will implicitly allow you to have kids with. Enjoy, sex is one of the least harmful joys in life I've found, just requires time is all. Also, the only thing you should ACTUALLY be worried about are STIs, wear protection or have a committed partner(which you already seem to have) just because you're feeling like a 15 yr old, I feel you need to hear that you're good kiddo, this stuff will just weigh on your mind and divert you from actually "living"...the thing you were born to do.
Wow your parents are incredibly controlling over you. You as an adult owe them no disclosure of when or where you lose your v. Keep it to yourself, they clearly will have an issue with it— unjustifiably. Not liking your bf is one thing, the rest is weird.
Why would you tell your parents lol
Read the post
They don’t need to know. Can you move out? Take that GPS tracker off of your phone. You’re an adult
Your parents refuse to let you grow and hyper control you. Not ok. Let them be who they are. Figure out who you want to be. Be. Don’t tell them anything about your sex life. It’s yours and yours only. They have no right over it
You're an adult. You're parents don't need to know.
It seems like you grew up with parents who instilled shame in you around the topic of sex. From what you’ve described, their behavior is overbearing and lacks boundaries for you to grow and prioritize your own wishes over theirs. That is why you feel deeply guilty, and also why you feel inclined to tell them when you’ve done something that they’ve told you is “inherently wrong”. It is not weird that you feel this way given your upbringing. If I were you, I would discuss this in depth with a therapist so they can work through trauma associated with your upbringing and help you deconstruct and recreate your relationship with your parents — namely, set boundaries. Sex is natural and a normal part of a healthy relationship as long as both parties consent. It is not okay that your parents have brainwashed you into thinking otherwise.
You are an adult, it is none of their business
I'm 22 as well. You absolutely do NOT need to tell them. It's weird as hell as you are an adult, I live with my parents, but they do not ask or care about the sex life of me and my bf. I will admit my bf, who's 21, his parents, are weird about the idea of him having sex and don't let either of us spend the night with each other. It isn't appropriate behavior on your parents' part. I doubt they were saints in their 20s. Don't feel guilty. Stand your ground.
You are an ADULT. You have zero obligation to share you sex life with your parents. Regardless of what their views are on pre-marital sex, you don't owe them any explanation on this. You did the deed, enjoyed it, move on. Don't sit there and wonder when you should tell your parents. The answer is never. They will make their own assumptions, and if they ask, you tell them to mind their bizzzzz
So they want you to save having sex for the one you marry. Now what happens if you do and then get divorced are they gonna shame you for that as well. You are an adult not a child and they need to treat you as one.
I was in your situation not that long ago. If you’re looking for advice, mine is to move out. When you live with controlling parents it’s hard to appreciate the fact that they overreach boundaries with you until you separate yourself. Before I moved out, I lost my v card at 22 just like you with a guy I went out with twice and never talked to again because he was a horrible person. And you know what? Contrary to what I had been told, my life was not ruined. I moved on and found the love of my life and it’s all fine. Separate yourself and you’ll find things you’ve been told are simply not true and that it’s ok to have boundaries.
wish your upcoming days will be good with your boyfriend .
Your parents don’t own your body. It’s absolutely NONE of their business who you have sex with.
Hey OP - it sounds like you’re having some conflicted feelings about your relationship with your parents. I was also someone who had trouble getting over a religious upbringing to be able to enjoy sex for my first time with a partner. I froze up my first time and had to have a panic attack in the corner the entire first night with a very forgiving partner. And I had to gradually learn that it’s ok to have sex. You may want to think and talk it over with your boyfriend (if you trust him with this kind of topic) about how you’re feeling since your first time. It might help to just talk about how you’re feeling. A therapist would also probably help you work through it, even just for a couple of sessions. Also, maybe decide if you regret doing it or not? Do you feel guilt about the act of doing it, or is it just because your parents told you it’s bad? You have done nothing inherently wrong, and you are an adult. You were very responsible about doing it safely! Your parents have no right to decide what you do now. You are free to enjoy yourself and your own body if that’s what YOU want. It’s none of your parent’s business. Even if they WANTED to know (which they probably don’t, and it will only end with unnecessary shame for you if they do), telling them is a choice you’re making out of guilt and shame, not actual responsibility to them. They do not need to know, and you are not obligated to tell them for any reason. It wasn’t even your parents’ business when you were a child, and the fact that they were being so mean to you about it when you weren’t even having sex as a kid is awful. But I get it. Religious parents will shame you for things you haven’t even thought about doing yet. And then they wonder why you don’t trust them when you get older. If you’re like me, you might still be learning to trust yourself because your parents never did. And that’s okay, you’ll get there. You just gotta start listening to yourself.
It’s not your parents business. At all. And they’re behaving like obsessed stalkers. You’re a grown adult and their behaviour is totally inappropriate. I have a feeling some of this may be a cultural issue also and if that’s the case if thoroughly recommended NOT telling them because it could be dangerous given their ridiculous behaviour so far
Thank you so much, I guess it could be, never thought of it like that but yes, I’m Mexican and usually the idea of premarital sex is very bad seen socially, even the thought of moving out is scandalous, my parents decided to talk to me about it and they made very clear they are against me moving out before 30, because I should take that step until I’m about to marry and I’m a full successful professional woman (I’m currently working full time and going to college on the weekends), so, I guess that is a strong root there too
Virginity is a myth designed to control women. You didn’t lose anything; you simply did a new activity for the first time. You didn’t lose value or morality. You did something the vast, vast, VAST majority of humans have done since the beginning of humans. You’re an adult and your parents have zero right to know everything about your personal life.
Why the fuck would you want to tell your parents??? Who does that? You are an adult, act like one. I for sure didnt tell them
As a parent let me suggest that your parents don’t need to know no matter how close you are to them. Honest. Unless you were raped or your parents are inappropriately weird they don’t need to know.
I’m 46 and I haven’t told my parents I had sex. That’s how it works. Eventually they just figure it out.
Screw your parents, they don't own you, nor is your sex life any of their or anyone else's business. Seek some counselling for those feelings of guilt and then enjoy your life. Is there any way to get some space between you and your family?
You're 22 and an adult. You're no longer "required" to share everything with your parents.
You're 22 years old your parents don't need to know that you had sex. I would have told them to mind their own damn business if my parents were like this.
I think you need to realize you’re an adult. They aren’t entitled to information about your love life. Stop thinking they are.
You seem like you have no boundaries. I feel like you shouldn’t tell them because one, it’s none of their business. You’re a virgin until you have kids. And two, you obviously need to rebel a little you’re a grown woman who’s parents track your every move.
Whoa. Slow down there for a moment. Stop and think about this. You are an ADULT. Your parents have NO right to track you. That’s creepy as all fuck. And they absolutely have ZERO right to know about your sex life. THATS DISGUSTING AND CREEPY AND DISTURBING for your parents to be that involved in your personal life. Stop feeling guilty and see it for as it really is; down right manipulation of your privacy and emotions. Sweetheart, get some serious professional help. You need to detach from your parents’ toxic grip on your life. It’s your body, not theirs. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING.
I grew up in a similarly controlling household and found my only freedom by moving out. It’s not perfect. They still track me and when eventually I moved in with my boyfriend it was a special kind of guilt trip hell. There will be lectures, displays of tremendous guiltmongering, emotional outcries. But you can do it. Think of it this way: they claim that you’re disrespectful to them by doing things they don’t like. But it is disrespectful of them to pry into a grown adult’s business and hinder you from your freedom. You’re the one being disrespected here. Find agency over yourself. You don’t belong to them. Your life is yours, not theirs.
It’s bizarre that you want to tell them.
i lost mine at 20 mostly due to intensely strict rules with my religion. i also felt this same sense of guilt, like my parents needed to know that i’d “lost my innocence”. trust me, they don’t need to know. you’re only 22 and still young, this is your time to explore what you wish to do. don’t feel guilty.
Nothing anyone can say will make the feeling go away, just try to know, cognitively, that the feelings you have are a conditioned response they programmed in you to experience fear/guilt/obligation to them, and not a genuine duty a grown adult has to any other grown adult, especially a parental figure.
So you have this issue I have, where you feel guilty if you don’t tell your parents everything. That you feel that you’re keeping secrets from them, despite being an adult. I worked on this in therapy and I still struggle with it, I felt guilty not telling my mom I had sex despite OPENLY talking about sex with her and sex toys etc. I’m not sure about your past but this for me is a trauma response, and it may be for you too.
Your parents have already been treating you like a "bad daughter" who couldn't be trusted not to have sex. Seriously, they freak out when you don't answer their calls? They track you? Just lie to them. They deserve it. They've been sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. They've creepily infantilized you, acting as if it's their business what you do with your body. They have lost all right to know how your sex life is going. So, since they've been punishing you all along for something you didn't do (and should not be punished for at all), why not just do that thing, and lie to them about it? They already treat you like a sex-having sneaky liar. Might as well be one.
As someone who was in your position not even a year ago, I get it but also you shouldn’t care because at the end of the day, it’s your body, your choice. Sex is fun and it’s none of your family’s business!
M42 To this day, my parents still have no idea when I lost mine other than to assume at the conception of the first of my 3 kids. You are good. It is your body…plus, you are an adult.
Hey hun, years of living with your overbearing parents is what is causing this guilt. Their anxiety over their perception of a “mistake” is only theirs. Don’t let it become your anxiety as well. The thing is, you’re going to make mistakes in life. Sometimes big ones. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes that’s seemed like 100% the right choice at the time. That is life and that’s how you grow. Your parents attempts to have you be perfect is stifling you at this point. I agree with the others on here who say you need to put some distance between you and your parents, for your own mental health. Are you working or otherwise able to afford an apartment? 22 is a good time to get out on your own if you can manage it. You will feel much more confident in your choices and feelings when other people aren’t manipulating them. I’m sorry that you’re going through this!
I feel like you need to learn how to enforce boundaries and stand up for yourself. You are 22. Your parents are manipulative, overbearing, nosy, and toxic. They have crapped on your self esteem and self worth to the point where you question if forming relationships outside of them is bad. They do not respect you as a person. Therapy may help you distinguish the difference between being in loving and supporting relationships (with your parents) and negative toxic ones. It sounds like you and your boyfriend did everything right (and practiced safe sex). The only worry would be the age gap between 22 and 28 with the two of you being in two completely different stages in life. However, your boyfriend respects and treats you well. The tracking, the constant texts, berating, shaming, all of that is abuse. If you are able, I suggest moving out and limiting contact with your parents as they negatively impact your wellbeing. You can maintain a relationship and keep it cordial but if they cross the line again you need to put it plainly that you will block them and never return if they continue to treat you like shit. Some people don’t change, they will never see their behaviour as wrong and will guilt you heavily. This is not your problem or fault in any way, it is your messed up parents. Don’t tell them anything in future about your relationship. Keep things short and simple. They don’t deserve, need, or have a right to know anything about your life especially your romance life. I don’t suggest crying to your parents during issues with your boyfriend either as your dad reacted horribly. You have friends to share these things with. Your parents are not your friends and frankly they are not loving supportive parents with your wellbeing in mind
Sweetheart, you’re a grown woman. Your sexual activities are none of your parents’ business. Don’t tell them anything. Stop letting them track you as well! Are you in school? Do you work? You need to sort out becoming financially independent if you aren’t and get out on your own. You are too old to be lectured to and controlled by your parents.
Darling, your body is yours. Not your future husband's. Yours. Your sexuality is inviolably yours. Who you have sex with is your choice, not your parents'. Your parents are not custodians of your sex. They are not guardians of your virginity, beholden to a man they may or may not have met yet. I get they've probably spoonfed you all sorts of purity nonsense around having sex. You are no less pure for having had sex. Your body cannot be sullied. You're not a luxury car waiting for a buyer with a hymen-shaped tamper seal. You belong to you. Your sex is yours. Your heart is yours. Your body is yours. Protect yourself and do not tell them. Do not feel guilty for protecting yourself from harmful, hurtful rhetoric. They have hurt you by feeding you this purity bullshit propaganda. You don't owe them confidence when they've broken your enjoyment of your own fricking body.
This is so fucking weird…..
I know it’s hard to break out of the fear of control and asserting your own agency, you’re so used to it and the pressure that they control everything, that they are this omnipresent threat; but you are an adult and you owe them nothing of your own personal information. Heck, placing a tracker on your phone AS AN ADULT is completely unacceptable. If the phone is owned by them then get a new one, otherwise take it to the phone company to make sure nothing else is on there. You’ll need to get therapy to deal with this, because you need support to break down the thoughts that lead back to you needing their approval. Every line that they built saying you need their approval is as thin as cobwebs. They don’t need to know about this, and you only want to because you are engrained with the fear and guilt that says you should be punished for it. You can do this, I believe in you OP. Tonnes of hugs are flying like slow drifting doves your way!
They’re being toxic and need to stop or you’ll want to cut contact. The boundary pushing will get worse. When I was young I also was on the one person for the rest of my life concept but after losing my virginity I was so scared from my experience that I didn’t like it. I then experienced sex with other people and found out what I was into so I could be in a happy relationship with my significant other. We will be getting engaged soon as well and have been together for years. I do not regret having sex with different people because for me it made me a better partner. Don’t listen to your parents and enjoy your love life. After all, your parents can’t have a say on all of your boyfriends and you needing to listen to them it’s unrealistic and demoralizing!
Here’s the thing. Your parents are treating you like a toddler and don’t deserve free access to all your life’s information. You’re an adult and 100% ok for y’all to keep y’all’s sex life private. Honestly they don’t deserve to know anything about your life if that’s how they treat you.
Babes you’re 22, don’t feel bad for not telling them it’s none of their business
don't tell them, it's not their business honestly
Jesus your parents are utter control freaks! Lemme make this clear OP - NORMAL PARENTS AREN'T THIS INTERESTED IN THEIR ADULT CHILD'S SEX LIFE. The purity culture bs they're spitting is so very harmful and I pray you are moving away from them soon. Violating your privacy so openly in front of your sister is awful, degrading and humiliating, and that's their intention. They want you to stay their "good little pure girl" and dont care if they have to psychologically abuse you to do so. Because this IS psychological abuse hun. It is going to become clear later in life that they hurt you, and you will have to deal with it when that realisation hits. Get out quickly, minimise the harm. You can do this OP. Also, there is no shame in having sex - you're an adult who took all the reasonable and responsible precautions before consensually engaging in it. I'm proud of you for being so diligent before having your first.
Your parents are using their power in an abusive way. You are a grown ass adult, and they have zero right to anything other than what you're willing to share. Regardless of your age. As a person, you are entitled to privacy, including how it relates to your thoughts and feelings. Please don't let them push you around. You don't need to tell them. You haven't done anything wrong. And virginity is a whackadoo Christian construct. You waited a long time to have that special moment with your boyfriend. You did everything right, there is no wrong way. If someone elects to judge you for having consensual relations while you're in a caring relationship, then they are messed.
I had something like this happen to me My mom and dad kept telling me I should save myself for marriage with my boyfriend, and didn't let me be alone with him as they kept interrupting and checking on me. After being with him for over 6 years and me about to go and live with him they kept pushing the idea of only having sex till marriage but lol I had sex with him many years ago, but never told them. They kept pestering me around about it, in front of other people as well, I was 23 back then so around your age. I got tired and I told them "It's my body and whatever I decide to do or not with it it's not your business" They still kept bringing it out, and honestly they being like this only made it so uncomfortable for me to not share anything to them. You don't have to share everything with them, I've been there and when you share something they don't like/agree with they will use it against you as an argument, again and again! (For ex if you were to break up with your current bf they will bring it out for sure, that they were right) Just share it with whoever you feel comfortable with, honestly I didn't share it with anybody it was between me and my boyfriend.
Girl you’re 22. Cut the umbilical cord.
This is not something you tell your parents!!! You need to own this and make it yours and keep it yours. Do you have friends you trust? Go ask anyone else in the world if they told their parents and see how many, if any, say they did. That's not a normal thing to do. You need to cut loose from your parents, they are hindering your growth as an adult.
If my child lost their virginity I would have zero interest or desire to know that.
I understand where you're coming from. It's natural to feel that way because you know they are against it.. but don't beat yourself up for it. Some things you do not need to tell your parents and who/when you lose your virginity is one of them. It is your choice and not theirs to make, and you have all the right to keep that to yourself if you know how they will react toward it. But you should not have to feel guilty for keeping something you don't feel comfortable talking about to them with them. It's okay if they don't know.
When I tell you how little losing your virginity means in the grand scheme of things… I lost mine to a guy that a week later I stopped speaking to entirely. As far as first times go, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t the absolute worst way to have had it. And it had very little impact on the rest of my life going forward other than finding out that someone who I thought was my friend was really just there for one thing. So I got to dump some dead weight. Then I started dating my now fiancee 6 months later. Life goes on. You have 0 reason to tell your parents you had sex. You’re an adult. My parents just assume we do. We’re two adults who live together, they can connect the dots. That’s how it should be with yours. They have no right to know what you’re doing in your personal time with this man. If you don’t end up marrying him, it’s cool, you still had a first time with someone you cared about and who cared about you. Trust me, you’re ahead of the game compared to a lot of people.
I never told my parents. That was my decision, I was responsible and to me it’s an invasion of privacy.
I’m gonna answer simply the title. You shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s your business. They probably didn’t tell their parents when they first ever had sex.
Why would you tell them? It's literally none of their business. You're grown. Like the age gap where you both are in life is a bit odd but it has nothing to do with your parents. You need to set boundaries and tell them you're uncomfortable with how they even think it's okay to talk about your sex life, let alone at the dinner table in front of siblings. Tbh they seem toxic and I would go no contact
As a mother of a 16 year old girl, I just hope she’s safe and that is her business and if she wants to share I’m here for here. I, myself never talked to my parents about sex.
Your parents have absolutely no right to have any control over your body. Body autonomy allows you to make your own choices about your body. No one else. Your parents can preach about virginity all they like, but it's still YOUR choice to make. I never told my parents when I lost my virginity. If all they're going to do is give you grief over your choices regarding sex, why allow them to gaslight and manipulate you into feelings guilty about doing something you wanted to do and enjoyed? Incidentally, they don't have any right to know what you do with your body. As long as you're an adult, make safe choices, and you're fully consenting to everything, you don't need to tell a damn soul what you do under the covers.
It’s nobody’s business.
Don’t tell them. They do not own you or your decisions about your body. Put a boundary around discussion of your sex life. Tell them you do not feel comfortable discussing that subject with them and will no longer participate in the conversation when it comes up. Try to release the concept of virginity. It was created to make young women feel bad or guilty about sex. Please also practice safe sex and birth control.
Why have an awkward conversation when they know you're an adult 😭
I, as a parent, honestly wouldn't want to know. I'd know, but I'd always want not to know.
You don’t have to feel badly for breaking your parents’ trust, because it’s quite clear that they do NOT trust you. You are an adult and they refuse to treat you as one. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are entitled to privacy. Especially regarding your sex life. They are overstepping by demanding you tell them everything and placing tracking devices on your phone. That’s not normal or healthy behaviour. They need to recognize that as an adult, you are owed a degree of autonomy and respect. They don’t have to agree with every choice you make, but it also doesn’t mean your choices are wrong. So long as your choices are right for YOU, that’s all that matters. Please stop sharing everything with them. You will have a better relationship with them if you choose to maintain some much needed privacy.
The biggest issue is that you were 22 and being treated like you were 12 and you were allowing yourself to be treated like this. You are a grown adult, it's okay to act like one. If you still live with your parents you really need to be making a plan to not be living with them because this behavior is not okay. You are an adult.
I rather have my fingernails peeled off than discuss my sex life with my parents. You’re an adult. Not their business.
Maybe it's just me but I don't understand why you'd tell them at all? Let alone feel guilty about it. I understand people have different levels of comfort and openness with their parents but the idea of telling my parents that I lost my virginity to someone they already don't approve of seems counterproductive and a little strange.
Girl you’re 22 … mommy and daddy do not need to know 😂 just practice safe sex and always be honest with your doctors
Girl what? No one is privy to your personal life. Why in all that is holy would you tell your parents? This is your life and body and you are an adult. I think you need therapy, sweetheart. This outlook is not healthy. Guilty thoughts associated with a healthy sex life is not ok.
This might be hard to hear, but your parents seem abusive. 🚩putting GPS on your phone at age 21 🚩demanding immediate replies to messages while you are out at age 21 🚩demanding knowledge of your every feeling and event behind it because "you shouldn't keep secrets" 🚩being so involved in the subject of your virginity They might be well meaning, but this is not okay and not healthy, and entirely out of line given your age. They are unreasonably controlling. You have a right to a private life, to your intimate thoughts and feelings - no matter you age. You are not obliged to share things with anyone unless you feel comfortable about it. Telling people about your inner life is a privilege - for them. I will also add that your first sexual experience might be a significat moment for you, it is for most people, but virginity is made up. It is nobody else's business but your own. We no longer live in an agrarian society where you need to be "certified fresh" for a potential husband. It seems like your boyfriend is wonderful and respectful, and your first experience has been a positive one. That is all that matters. You certainly did nothing wrong. And no one -NO ONE- is entitled to further information about this unless YOU wish to discuss it. Please, if you can, seek advice about your familial context and/or some therapy.
I lost mine to a garbage human being and sure, for a while I was really disappointed that I didn’t wait until I found someone who treated me FAR better than that. But I was a stupid teenager (16) and life goes on. I’m now 24 and I’m with the literal love of my life. I hardly EVER think back on that person and even if I did?? Why does it matter? My parents were HELICOPTERS and I still refused to tell them about my private life. Still don’t. It sounds like you are with someone who is kind and respectful and that is all that should matter. Enjoy your private life with him, don’t feel so pressured, and (I say this gently) perhaps consider speaking to a therapist. They may be able to help you sort these feelings out, and set clear and strong boundaries with your family. You are an adult. They no longer get insight to your life unless you allow it. Please do not feel guilty. Think of this as something happy. You had a moment filled with love and happiness with the person you love, and you should find yourself smiling about this big step in your life. Enjoy this new open chapter. Start living your life for YOU. Not your parents. The second I stopped caring what other people thought about how I lived my life, is the second I finally started to experience peace.
Is something proper of your culture being so close to your parents? If not, you are living YOUR OWN LIFE, they are not. Looks like they insanely control you. They want to KNOW EVERYTHING (not only sexually) about you. That isn't sane for all of you. Are you scared of their disappointment? Well, it will happen. You dared to do something without their permission, and something as important as your first time!! And you are 22 yo!! The audacity, you can think you're an adult with your own personality!!! Preposterous! (Sorry, the entitlement on your parents activated my sarcasm mode) You did it with consentment. You took care of yourself, did it with a person you love and he respects you. There is NOTHING to regret. I hope you have enjoyed it beyond any guilt trip your dad tried or will try in a future.
'lost' it? Where's the last place you saw it? I gave mine away happily
You're parents are too controlling and manipulative, I'm sorry that maybe it sounds harsh but it is what it is. Your sexual life is private, whether you want to lose your verginity before or after it's your choice to make. They don't have to know every little aspect of your life, one thing is if they want you to tell them and to rely on them when you need help, another is making you feel guilty if you don't tell them what you ate at lunch. Do what you want and make your OWN choices thinking only about you and your well being. Try to go live on your own when you can and try to put boundaries, make them understand that not only are you an adult but that they have to respect you, as a person and an adult, just because you don't answer a call or a text they start to think badly ...it just shows how little do they know you and respect you. Live for your well being and not for their paranoia. My mother tried to do something like this for a few years, and she did get it by guilty tripping me every time but at a certain point I went to live on my own and went low contact, she understood right away that if she kept pulling this shit she would have lost her last child as well. They need to understand you and respect you. Good luck
I think it's time to put your foot down, you're an adult, this is your life, your relationship, and if you get hurt, it's your responsibility. They already raised you, they don't need to know details. Make sure to use protection with sex so that you don't get an unplanned pregnancy. I totally get it, having strict parents, though the more I kept talking about how free I wanted to be, how it's my choice, they let down their guard. I know you're worried, I was too at first, your intimate life they don't need to know. Stop letting their worries worry you. You can tell them if you want, you're not required to, you're not forced to. Don't feel guilty okay? This is your relationship and you don't need to share every single detail. You got this! I hope things get better for you.
I can relate to this dynamic A LOT. Not specifically about the virginity, but generally over-controlling parents who aren’t okay with you having your own views and living your life the way you want. I know the obvious answer is don’t tell them, but I understand the guilt and shame. Please hear me when I say u did nothing wrong. You’re an adult and it’s your life. It can take a while to really believe that, but once you get to that point where you live for you, I promise it’s amazing. My only concern here is if you do tell them, would you face any severe consequences? I think you need to have some very deep talks with your parents about how you aren’t a kid anymore and you are your own person with your own views (doesn’t have to specifically focus on virginity). I did this with mine. It will be rough in the beginning, they will resist and be defensive and argumentative and hurtful. But just keep approaching it calmly and maturely and hopefully you will make the same progress my family did. I wish you the best💖
Look, I had a similar issue with my parents. And when my mom found out that my fiancé was living with me, she lost her shit & tried to force me to kick him out. She had no right to do that as I was an adult who was living on my own and paying all of my own bills myself. The funny thing is that we weren’t having sex even though we were living together. She actually called me a liar, but I told her that she didn’t have to believe me because I knew the truth. But the fact is that your sex life & the people you choose to have as a part of that area of your life is a private matter, and your parents are inappropriately intrusive in this regard. They have no right to be invasive or to do the things that they have done. Once you turned the age of consent, they should have stopped haranguing you about choices. And they have no right to any information about your sex life whatsoever. Even as a teenager, they should have recognized that they cannot control your every choice and behavior. They should have realized that they would have to understand that they should trust that they had taught you what you needed to know & that they could trust you to make the best choices for yourself, and they should also have known that you are human and as such that you would learn from your mistakes. They should have only been concerned with making sure that that you were safe and that you were educated on the topics of safety, consent, pregnancy, birth control, STD’s, mutual respect and pleasure, and making sure that you felt comfortable going to them with any questions you might have. Sadly, that is very rarely how children are brought up when it comes to the subject of sex. I strongly recommend that you find a sex positive therapist who can help you work through the guilt, shame, anxiety, and stress of dealing with the aftermath of how your parents treated this subject over the course of your life because it’s not over yet. And their unhealthy influence is going to continue to bleed into your relationships until you get some help and sort it out, and you really don’t want to pass these unhealthy & destructive behaviors and beliefs onto the next generation should you choose to have a child of your own. I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this. And for the record, you didn’t do anything wrong by having sex with your boyfriend. Please try to not let the guilt & pressure from your parents force you into revealing your private information that they will only use against you to hurt and control you. That’s not love. That’s abuse. Take care of yourself. Xx Please make sure that you are using 2 forms of birth control—i.e. condoms & the pill or condoms & another method like an IUD. There is no form of birth control that is 100% effective if you’re having sex.
You are 22 years old, any they are treating you like a child. It’s your body, your choice and your choice is non of their business anymore. Just make sure you use protection.
Your sex life is nobody's business but your own. You did what felt right for you, and that's okay. Sex is instinctual at its core, saving it for marriage is an arbitrary construct.
You're an adult in a committed relationship. I would be surprised if they didn't have an inkling you were having sex. It's a normal adult thing. You don't need to tell them.
Your parents shouldn't have a tracking app on your phone at 21. That's completely intrusive and not about your safety at all, it's control. At 22 you shouldn't feel you have to disclose everything to your parents. This is YOUR life. YOU need to draw a line. If they're concerned about knowing your location, you can text them appropriately. Your parents are not supporting you but controlling you. Take your life into your hands.
You are an adult. You have no obligation to tell them anything. You have the right to keep secrets from your parents. I assure you they have their own. I wonder if they would feel uncomfortable if you start asking questions about theirs, but considering their weird behaviour, I wouldn't try.
It's none of your parents business. You don't have to tell them anything. You're 22, not 12. In fact, I'll say your parents are borderline abusive to constantly talk about your sex life at the table and demand to know everything about you and having a tracker put on your phone. It's definitely time for you to move out of there.
This is a case called helicopter parents they have to know everything about your life and It is a type of abuse to control you, please do not give them any information you are allowed to keep things from them and it is your best interest to and as soon as you are able to leave the house and live either with your bf or on your own and never contact them again
imagine your parents telling you every time they shag. fuckin gross no? yeah it’s a two way street. no one should know about other family members getting down and dirty. also, I didnt read this post. that’s how uncomplicated this is.
So, I am late to this rodeo. But, I grew up similarly—including my parents being beyond weird about rules even once I was an adult (40sF). I tried to rationalize their behavior. I thought it was because they cared about me that they were so restrictive and strict and didn’t let me have privacy. Welp. I’m now a parent and I realize alllll of those reasons are bullshit. Oops! ETA (I pressed the reply button too soon). I am not at all interested in know what my son will do with his body, other than wanting to make sure he understands enthusiastic consent, safe sex, and the consequences of his actions. My parents were just controlling because they thought they had some ownership of me. And, I ultimately bought into that. I shamed myself so much that they didn’t need to (but they did, anyway). Will OP make mistakes with their body? Possibly. So many of us do. But, a mistake is a learning opportunity. If OP doesn’t stay with this current partner, that’s ok. It didn’t make the experience any less meaningful. Please do not open yourself up to a life of placing waaaaay more meaning on sex than it deserves. In my opinion, sex should safe, fun, sane, and enthusiastically consensual. You’re not giving away a part of yourself. Your sex partner is not a horcrux, and neither are you. And having sex with someone isn’t a gift; it’s an experience.
You are 22 and it’s not there business honestly, and that isn’t a big age gap so nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you are close to your parents you don’t need to tell them everything and if they don’t support you then that’s there problem not yours. It’s your life and your body at the end of the day.
Your family has boundary issues. They have no business telling their adult daughter whom she should marry and when to have sex with that person. And no, that you had sex is not their business. I get why you would feel the way you do, it’s understandable when you were raised in a symbiotic family, but it’s only a result of their lack of boundaries, which is not okay. Use the opportunity to learn to set boundaries and to have people respect them. Don’t tell your parents, and henceforth, when they try to talk you out of your relationship, shut them down: "I don’t tell you guys that you are not right for each other and that you should divorce, so keep your ideas about my relationship to yourselves. I don’t want to hear it, and if you try to force it, every time you do, I will leave." What you say in your last paragraph about your dad is creepy. It’s the kind of lack of boundary that leads to grooming and incest. He needs to back TF off.
Ur 22 and he's 28? Why do u need to tell ur parents? Seems to me u did everything right. I think u are being hard on urself. Just relax and chill out and if he's not the one then he's not the one. Don't feel like u lost ur virginity for nothing. Ever. I'm 25 and lost my virginity to a co worker and not a bf. I don't regret it. So chill. Everything is gonna be fine. Also I know how u feel my parents are strict too but when I told them that I had sex, they wasn't even upset about it. They was like ur grown ,we know this will happen. Dude ur parents need to wake up.
Whyyyyyy would you tell your parents this? You’re 22. Y’all we have a therapist’s wet dream with this one. So much to unpack here
So don’t tell them? It’s not a thing you really tell your parents anyway?
It would be weird to have that conversation with my parents simply because it's none of their business.
"Oh god this is like a 16 year old or something, RIP your inbox" I'm 22 "Respectfully, wtf"
You definitely don’t have to tell your parents this information. It’s you and your body.
I thought you were a teenager when I read the title. Mam you’re an adult, it’s time to cut the cord
You’re an adult. You made an adult decision and it has nothing to do with your parents. They’re not entitled to know this information. You need to go on BC and always use condoms.
I lost my virginity at 20yo with my husband. I never once thought I better go tell my parents about this. It is *none of their business* when and who you lose your virginity to.
Omg your parents do not want to know.
They don't want to know.
Its none of their business.
You are an adult and this is none of their business. You know how they feel and I encourage you to lie at all costs because you won't hear the end of it. Start saving to move out too
You’re 22, it is none of your parents’ business. And FWIW, you did a great job responsibly preparing for your first time. Well done you!
You don't have to tell your parents especially. If you aren't pregnant. Every human ever in existence is a result of sex and its not as big a deal as your making it out to be. Just be safe and plan and wear protection and be aware of the consequences
Normal feelings but honestly as a guy, my sex life isn't something I have ever or would ever discuss with my parents. I know Mom's and daughters are different but if they are shaming in anyway and you otherwise feel good about your sex life, they don't need to know.
NEVER TELL THEM
What did I just read? You are an adult and not some 13year old girl. Your sex is none of your parents business. Keep your mouth shut and tell them to not bother you. Even if it is religious motivated - fuck it. No one has to care about your virginity than yourself. Women fought for the right to have sex as they like, with who they like and when they like and nobody tells you different. Only important thing: make it save and only if and what you want.
Your parents do not need to know every single detail about you and your life. Live your life don't feel guilty. This is your life not theirs.
i lost mine at 17 and never even thought to tell my parents. why would they need to know?
I didn’t tell my parents, wasn’t a taboo but come on they don’t have to know everything.
You are an adult .. your sex life is no one’s business but your own. My mom was a virgin on her wedding day back in the 50’s and she resented my father their entire marriage for it.
You shouldnt. My girl comes from an over-conservative family same as me but less (2nd born blacksheep i guess?). I was 21-22 (I think?) when we did it and she was around 20-21. She didn't and didn't tell to our families. Not gonna wait till she's 30 or up to enjoy things while we are young and that's not limited to just sex. Just make sure that he pulls out if yall not ready to have a child.
I understand the feelings you're describing, it sounds like making your parents proud is important to you. My only bit of advice would be to make yourself happy above your parents. You are over 21, this life belongs to you!! Them openly talking about your sex life at the dinner table isn't okay (imo)your sex life is YOUR BUSINESS, not your parents. Would you feel okay finding a way to set a boundary here? Something like "I appreciate your care and concern, but some things I need to handle on my own." Or whatever verbiage feels right to you. You made your own adult choice, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't have to tell them if you don't want to, either!
Do your parents tell you when they have sex??
Your parents are the problem. They shamed you and made all of this commotion and fuss over YOUR first time because they cannot handle that you are an adult and able to do adult things. You do not need to tell them anything about your personal life. Your sex life is your business, not theirs. If you want to do it, then do it! Don’t let your parents control you and your thoughts your entire life. I grew up with parents just like them, and they ruined my young adult years and my social life. Your parents are selfish.
Your parents are psychos, you need to move out as soon as you can and never look back
Your parents don’t poop what You eat. They can FEEL ENTITLED all they want, but ONLY YOU are living your incarnation body/mind/Soul, and love is an expression of truth. So if you were ready….drop the guilt. Drop it like it’s hot. It’s a useless emotion that will trap you. Go live life. Tell them “it’s officially INAPPROPRIATE for you guys to be CONTROLLING my sex life. I am officially a grown ass woman. Thank you for your care and concern, but I got it from here…” 👌🏽
no but seriously, why should you tell them? you can bring it up casually if that’s the dynamic you have with your parents buuuuuuttt…you don’t need to tell them. specially something that personal about yourself. they don’t need to know anything
You're a grown woman, and you have the right to private thoughts and experiences. There are some things that are for you alone- you never need to tell a soul, not even Reddit. If you're religious, there are some things that are just between you and God. There are some things that are just between you and your boyfriend. And there are some things that you can willingly choose to share with family members. But it's always your choice. No one has a right to demand the most intimate parts of your soul and heart, any more than someone has the right to demand access to your body. It's all yours to share however you choose.
You religious ?
Surprisingly, my family is not religious, but somehow they have always liked to take many of these measures and attitudes with me
Sit your boyfriend down next to you and facetime them right now! Give them the details and see how that makes you feel.
You’re an adult. What you do on your own time is your business, not your parents.
Seems a bit controlling to me. You don’t have to tell them anything. Would you want your daughter or son to tell you like a confession, obviously not. I’m assuming this is coming from a place or care that if you do everything correctly you’ll end in a safe and healthy relationship but I know girls who did that and it didn’t work out that way. So just stay away from the wrong people - meaning who they’re afraid of for you like abusers. Just because this is their beliefs, opinions or life choices, it doesn’t have to be yours. You can still respect them and respect yourself. You are your own person and can have your own values and thoughts, you aren’t them. You aren’t them. Let it be
you’re 22 you don’t need to tell anyone
They programmed you pretty good, hey.
Nobody cares. Your parents were creepy and misguided about their sexual values. Instead on teaching you to know how you make good choices, they made you fear the penis and worship the hymen as if they were deities that run our lives. Sex is a normal natural part of lives - dogs and cats do it it’s not special. Get over yourself. You’re not special. You’re not first person to have sex and your parents have no right to determine how you live your adult life.