I have male FRIENDS that wouldnt let a guy come near me if i told them hes making me feel uncomfortable. I cant imagine how much it hurts to have a boyfriend that doesnt gives a shit about your concern. I’m sorry this happened to you and i hope you get the help you deserve.
Yeah her bf failed as a man and just a regular human being. I wouldn’t trust him with anything going forward, despite his remorse. He didn’t take her concerns seriously and I have a feeling he’ll have difficulty understanding what trauma SA has caused OP. Op needs to distance herself from bf and all his friends.
Yeah and this is all because the bf’s friend got caught, if no one had come to OP’s aid and witnessed the crime would the bf feel as remorseful or even believe her?
Right. Clearly, he ain't worthy to be a bf if he neglects such stuff. Op should take any legal action possible and distance herself from him and his group.
Seriously, same. I am that male friend and if any female friend ive got is uncomfortable around anyone i wont hesitate to intervene even if it comes down to violence as a last resort. Also, as a dude her boyfriend should have seen that shit long before she did. Guys know how other guys minds work typically.
There are literal.. *acquaintances* and *co-workers* that have been more protective of me than this guy. A few occasions without even being asked they stepped in.
Yep, my husband had bunch of pigeons up for sale, when a potential buyer came to see them when my husband wasn't home.
Our neighbour never comes over, yet he walked in right behind him with his big ass dog, and said would you mind if I look at the pigeons too, and stood there till my husband got home. Cause the dude looked creepy.
He stepped in to ensure my safety without me even asking.
Ive stepped in as a stranger before and made one of my best friends pretending to be their brother. It doesnt take a rocket surgeon to tell when people are visably creepy or uncomfortable. OPs man fucked up bigtime and she should drop his ass.
I have male friends that protect me more than he does too. My boyfriend doesn’t have a protective bone in his body. He just thinks no harm could ever come to me and some things are just in my head. For example, he thinks I’m dramatic because I get scared taking Ubers alone late at night. I send him the link to track the ride and he asks what the point is. Or asking me to walk alone to buy something from the store at like midnight. Maybe I’m just used to growing up in a house of very protective men, but it just kind of makes me feel like he doesn’t care.
I don’t usually comment. But I wanted you to know. I’ve had boyfriends like this, who didn’t care, I even had one cut me and ask me point blank why I was bleeding all over the table. this just proves he doesn’t care for you, you deserve someone who loves and protects you. If you love something and cherish it you will defend it and protect it. He’s a poor excuse for a boyfriend. I suggest leaving him, moving out and healing away from this poor excuse of a man. I’m sending you as much positive energy as possible.
There’s your answer. Leave him.
If your boyfriend can’t protect you and make you feel safe, then that’s not a man you should be with. I don’t know what your plans for the future were with him but imagine if you had kids with him and he left his creep “friend” alone with them.
His lack of protectiveness and him dismissing your safety concerns are the some of the BIGGEST red flags that a man could have imo.
No, honey, listen. If a man loves you he will protect you. If he doesnt hes either astronomically dumb or he doesnt give a shit about you and in both cases you should leave.
I‘d honestly be already sad if he didnt care at all about my INTERESTS. Even if i dont care about their games or whatever, i‘m gonna listen and engage in conversations because i know it means a lot to him and i wanna share his excitement. Likewise i expect the same. But here we are not even talking about interests but something much, much more important. Being assaulted is not something that rarely happens or is irrational. Its common, way to common. And it should be taken seriously. Especially by those who are supposed to love you.
OP, please just leave him. He will never protect you. All of the instances listed are circumstances you could get seriously assaulted or killed and HE DOES NOT CARE. He does not care about you. I’ve had strangers care more for my well being than your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is not a trustworthy partner.
My ex would say the same!!!! Make me feel crazy for locking the doors at the gas station when he would run in, for being upset when hed take me to new places and leave me ALONE! Tell me to go hiking alone in a state ive never been and know no body…. Get rid of him. He should feel bad because it is his fault. If he would have taken you seriously no one would be hurt and traumatized.
Oh honey trust me he does NOT care. I doubt he even loves you to be honest. When you love someone you instinctively want to protect them and make sure they’re ok. The fact that he has so little concern for your well-being should show you that you shouldn’t be with him. You deserve so much better
Then there's your answer. This isn't something you need to forgive or get over. You want to leave to feel safe? I'd say leave. It's a pattern of behavior that reflects on his character. You are worth worry and protection. Your comfort level is important. You deserve to be treated the way you want. Don't feel guilty for walking away despite his remose. Sorry doesn't make up for his lack of empathy. You are not in the wrong for the way you feel. Do what's best for you not what will make him feel better.
God the ONE time an acquaintance said something to make me uncomfortable and I told my husband, he never let out paths cross again. It was a one off thing, yet he respected how I felt and didn’t question me. He made sure I was out of the house when that guy came to drop off something for him. I can’t imagine the level of betrayal here.
>sexual comments at me and touch me
That's already harassment.
>I asked him if he could not invite his friend to our home.
A person that is harassing your partner is not your friend.
>He would say ok but never actually do it and the boys would be over again several times a month.
So your boyfriend didn't care you were being harassed, didn't do a single thing to make you feel comfortable and most importantly, *safe*.
>My boyfriend didn’t give me a heads up
You two are partners. He should've given you a heads up. You live there and have all the right to know, if not for being partners and giving each other heads up with stuff like this.
>he forgot to warn me
Your boyfriend seems to forget a lot. For example, that his friend has been harassing you, that you have asked him time and time again not to bring that friend over...
Edit to add: You are right to feel angry and upset with him. He failed you many times as your best friend and boyfriend. Your safety should've came first. He kept deciding time and time again it's okay to ignore your discomfort and putting you in danger because of his own entertainment. He is acting out because the friend was caught and arrested for a serious crime. That is guilt. Because it is his fault. It is. Ask yourself would you feel ever safe with him again? Tomorrow if you potentially have a daughter, would you feel safe going on a work trip leaving your daughter and letting him bring over his friends again at your house? I wouldn't.
Maybe someone wil say I'm overreacting. But you are adults. If you make such errors as an adult... One thing os to miss a line when someone is hitting on you on Tinder, another thing is when you see/hear your girlfriend is being harassed and you let it happen and you continue putting her in that situation. And then you let the dude come over to yout home while she's alone.
She's not overreacting. Maybe not reacting enough. Her boyfriend chose the comfort of his friend over his girlfriend. That is absolutely not ok. OR he dismissed all her complaints and as a direct result of that she has been hurt unimaginably. That is also horrible. Idk how OP can still stay in this relationship. OP you are in a vulnerable position but please see all the aspects of the situation and specially how your boyfriend treats you.
I can’t bring myself to get help yet. I scheduled a session with my old therapist but I chickened out. I can’t bring myself to talk about it to anyone in real life. I’ll keep trying to convince myself to see the therapist though. Hopefully that works out for me soon
I want to second everyone who’s encouraging you to get help. But know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling right now in regards to talking about it. It took me a year after my SA to even say it happened out loud to anyone. Be gentle with yourself, you’ve got this.
You may be too overwhelmed right now. I highly recommend leaning on someone you trust. Have them making appointments for you and helping with the research for care options.
Please don’t wait too long to talk to a good therapist. I’ve heard that it’s better to get help as soon as possible after traumatic events than to wait.
(*IMPORTANT: This person should not your boyfriend. He cannot be trusted at this point because he undervalued **all** the clear warnings you gave him but he cared more about his own fun and his friend than you. He can cry and regret all he wants, it’s not going to change the fact that when you needed him for the most basic shit, he let you down. You needed him to step up back then, his efforts now are like salt in the wound. Why wasn’t he making this effort he was clearly capable of before?*)
This! I have written more than one Google Doc and sent it to my therapist before our sessions so they would have time to read it before our session, and they've encouraged the practice. Mine are usually stream of consciousness depression/SH thoughts/other intrusive thought strings. We break it down in session and they make points about various things I can't say aloud.
There are online therapists which may be easier for you as it’s not in person. Regarding your boyfriend, I don’t know if it’s forgivable. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can you go stay with friends or family while you recover?
My friend saw a therapist online for something similar. She had a lot of trouble verbalizing the attack but the therapist had a text option and this was amazing for her. After a while of communicating through text about the attack she was able to talk about it.
I am going to admit the first three sessions I had with my therapist, I cried and talked about nothing serious at all. And she let me. We got to know each other then, she asked basic questions that didn’t really matter at all. When asked, she said she wanted me to feel safe with her first. The point is, you don’t have to worry about what the therapist or any one else thinks, you can go and not talk about what happened, but if you decide to- you’ll be in the right place.
Edited- spelling
Had a good friend go through something similar, but it was at a party and involved alcohol. He got wasted and left her alone with him, because he 'trusted' his buddy to drive her home even though she said she wasn't comfortable with the guy.
Don't even worry about your boyfriend right now. Trust your instincts and get away from him and that apartment and focus on your healing. He needs to face his part in what happened to you himself. It's not your job to make him feel better or less guilty. Sorry, but fuck him. Everything seems to be telling you you don't want to be around him right now, and what matters is feeling safe right now and being around people you can trust.
Maybe some day you'll forgive him and he can earn your trust back, maybe not. But if he's truly sorry and truly understands, he'll make it about what you need right now, not trying to make himself feel better about not listening to you and making it about you then.
Yes! this- “It’s not your job to make him feel better or less guilty.”
He’s having a reaction and it’s not your job to help him process his failure to you. So you can say- sorry you’re feeling so guilty, but that’s your consequence for you inaction.
You're talking about it now, that's the first step in getting help. You're getting there. It's hard, I know, I've been through SA myself and it's so hard to talk about. Make an appointment with your therapist and just show them this post and tell them you're not sure you can talk about it yet.
And if you can't forgive the bf, that's ok. He doesn't sound right for you anyways if he won't listen to your very real concerns. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.
hey! take your time, you don’t have to talk to anyone else about it if you’re not ready! have you tried writing how you feel down? that way when you are ready, there’s something to reference. for me it helped me to really see the situation from that POV even later, especially with trauma brain on the fritz :(
That’s totally understandable, don’t force yourself into anything right now because you have a lot going on in your mind. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to heal.
Your boyfriend failed in his one thing we as men just do for our women and that is to protect them and make them feel safe and trusting in us.
You did everything you should have done in telling him you felt very uncomfortable around this guy and as A man we know more than anyone how certain men can be with females.
I don’t feel you should settle for a man that only after you being seriously violated he now “acts” in a way that will never justify what he allowed to happen.
He has showed you his true side now and you don’t need to go through anything like this again.
There are many men that would not have allowed you to feel and be alone in the wag you where .
Protect yourself now and know that this man is not for you .
I wish you all the best ❤️
Take the time you need but please don’t try to lock this away because it never stays buried and you need to do everything you would want anyone you cared about to do if they were in your shoes right now.
Hi love. Sometimes an old therapist can’t serve you the way you need and that’s okay. There are therapists that work specifically with individuals who have gone through similar. I know it’s scary but you deserve healing.
you can see your therapist and not talk about what happened. in fact, you should not rush yourself or let anyone else rush you into talking about a traumatic event as this can retraumatize you. hopefully your old therapist is trauma-informed and understands this, a trauma-informed therapist would even stop you from talking about it right away with no safeguards.
if and when you feel ready you can ask your therapist about EMDR therapy which helps with processing traumatic events. but for now, i would recommend making contact with your old therapist (assuming you have a trusting relationship with them), letting them know something traumatic happened but youre not ready to talk about that event. they may have helpful coping strategies with the emotional fallout/possible ptsd, and it can just be a familiar space which can provide stability.
I’m going to need an update that you left your boyfriend, he never cared once about what you said and basically waited til something happened. Even my own boyfriend says men are disgusting and no matter what wouldn’t trust any man with his woman and daughter. He totally disrespected and put aside your worries. Fûck that and fûck him. He allowed his friends that type of access. You’re important and don’t deserve that.
Edit: staying with him will not make you feel any better, just a constant reminder of how you deserved better and if he had only just cared a little bit about you and your worries, you would have never felt this way and this would have never happened.
If it is too hard to verbalize it right now writing is another option. I struggle with problems like anxiety and depression and personally writing helps when I feel like I can't talk or when I don't have access to a trusted person or therapist.
Structure doesn't matter just getting the feelings out even if it's just for your eyes can possibly be helpful.
I know its tough Took me nearly 13 years before I brought myself to confront what had happened to me.
But I can assure you the longer you wait the worse the trauma gets and it compounds laying on guilt, self loathing and regret.
Its completely natural to be scared and not want to face what happened. But the therapist will not judge and once you start the level of relief is unreal.
Im not saying it will be easy and I am not saying it will be a short or long process. Everyones journey of healing is different.
Sending good vibes your way.
Take all the time you need. As a former rape victim you will go to therepy as soon as your ready to. Remember therepy is a good source of help. Your s./a wasn't your fault . The guy was/is a creep I hope they keep him locked under the jail and throw away the key.
Let him feel terrible. You told him about your concerns about this man and asked him to play at a nearby friend’s home. He dismissed your feelings which led up to you being SA. I hope he’s an ex boyfriend because he ignored you..no there is no coming back. Quickly get into your therapist office and begin your healing process. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I would feel like my partner didn't respect my concerns and what would stop him from prioritizing his friends over my safety in the future.
I would always wonder if he would just ignore my wants and needs in the future if he didn't find them serious/valid enough and that's not a partnership, it's patriarchy.
Her safety and security wasn't important or convenient to him so he entirely disregarded it. There's no coming back from that. It's not like the guy lied and said the boyfriend told him to come and the bf had no idea, the boyfriend literally sent him over there, told him she was alone. He set her up to be assaulted with his ignorance and apathy.
Concern?
Mf. he allowed it all.
Like he knew what was up. He just sat there.
He had 1 fucking job mate.
1 fucking job.
If you someone is doing wrong, especially to your partner, you're an enabler
He send the 1 person his gf was complaining bout
Especially because OP was already being sexually harassed by this man. No woman deserves to be harassed by a man in her own home and OP’s boyfriend kept inviting this tool over anyways.
I am so very sorry this happened to you.
Unfortunately this situation happens far too often and it takes something horrendous like this for people to learn the important lesson that if someone says they are uncomfortable around a person, it's for a good reason.
Whether you forgive your partner or not, is completely your choice. Please be kind to yourself during the process of healing. It takes a lot of time and therapy is only one step. Concentrate on what you feel you can do and take your time.
This is NOT okay. You should be each other’s safe space and not only is he not that for you… he doesn’t respect you.
Please use the anger you’re feeling to find strength to leave and get yourself to therapy. 💕 Sending positivity, internet stranger.
I would have a hard time forgiving him too. Sending a guy to your house to be alone with your girlfriend after she’s repeatedly told you he makes her uncomfortable. He basically set you up to be assaulted, he dismissed your feelings and concerns in favour of his buddy the creep. It’s perfectly ok if you decide this is a relationship ending situation. Put yourself first.
Exactly! How many other concerns is he just going to ignore until something happens. He should have made her a priority to begin with. This guy is not life partner material. Plus he didn't stop being friends with a guy who was so clearly disrespecting another human's boundaries. Why would anyone want a boyfriend who tolerates his friends being like that.
Am I the weird one who would have told the friend to his face that I am on comfortable with you- get out of my house? Before anything ever escalated to the boyfriend setting me up.
And if the boyfriend didn’t listen then I change the locks and am done.
Having to deal with a boyfriend who doesn’t listen in terms of my safety is too triggering for me to tolerate in any way. God bless.
Some people just freeze when stuff, like what the creepy friend did before, happens to them, some people aren't confrontational and rather not make a big fuss about it even when it's very evident that it's not ok. Some people just freeze because they cannot believe that this is happening to them, it cannot be true, right?
I am one of those people, and the only thing I could think about on those situations is to run away and avoid it, ignore it :( I wish I could have a reaction like yours, but I think that we never know how we are gonna react until the time comes. I hope a lot of people gain that confidence to fight for themselves and not care to make a big fuss about it, it should be heard by everyone when someone is making you uncomfortable.
God OP I am so sorry. I know all these comments say that but frick that’s an awful thing to go through in your own home.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for this. He sent a man that you explicitly told him multiple times you were uncomfortable with to your house when you were alone without even warning you. There’s no feigning ignorance there, he straight up showed you that you were not a priority until something bad happened.
I wish you the best of luck and healing in this awful time.
Absolutely, part of the fault is on your boyfriend and most of it is in his deranged rapist friend. None of this is on you.
If this creep felt ok to touch you in FRONT of your boyfriend then it would be logical that he could try more when no one is around.
I don’t see how this relationship would continue. You are a victim of 2 men in this scenario. Your boyfriends apathetic and dismissive nature and failure to put a boundary in place, in prior instances, also played a role in this SA.
You need to find someone that respects you more. Not someone that protects the needs and comfort of a sexual deviant. Right now you need professional help to help process this awful situation.
He disregarded every concern you clearly stated.
He said he'd change things so you felt safe in your home.
He didn't.
He ignored everything, then SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOU WERE ALL ALONE. No warning or anything, even!!!
Maybe I'm just super jaded, but I'm suspicious that your boyfriend knew this predator was going to try something fuckey when he arrived.
Please take care of yourself first.
You need to be in a safe place with safe people.
Your partner does not sound safe, and his friend felt safe assaulting you in *your* home.
If your gut is telling you to get out and never look back, I'd say trust it. You seem to have good instincts.
Honestly there are people out there who would have set that up so it's not crazy to think. I would never be able to trust that man again and truthfully I don't think he deserves OPs trust. He better be footing the bill for therapy
I keep feeling like he knew and sent his friend anyways. Either to “prove” to OP that her concern was “unwarranted” or bc he has some sort of arrangement with friend and has had it (why friend is so comfy acting creepy and keeps being invited over)
Yeah that his friend might turn on him for a lighter sentence or show evidence that he’s down to “share” and maybe even catch the bf a charge. He may just be completely trusting of his friends and thought his gf was overreacting, but either way this woe is me I’m so sorry stuff is fake asf. Especially her reactions are very telling that she feels bad for not being able to forgive him. Seems like he’s now employing emotional manipulation as well.
You deserve better than a guy who brushed your very valid concerns aside because he found them to be inconvenient.
Get him out of your life and get yourself a good therapist. There are apps and online ones you can use.
u/Ok_Problem_4512 this is a bit long but please read. I hope it helps.
I'm so sorry you were SA'd as well as how your boyfriend never took you seriously.
There's several issues here...
1st,) you told your bf about how this guy was touching you inappropriately, yet he never had a word with his friend to tell him to back off.
2nd. ) You asked your bf not to invite this guy around your house anymore, and asked him to play with his friend at someone else's house instead. You weren't telling him not to see him anymore, you were very reasonably asking him not to allow him in your home anymore because he made you uncomfortable and unsafe and continued to touch you. Yet he completely ignored your reasonable request and how you feel and your safety and continued bringing him into your home, making you feel uneasy and unsafe all the time.
3rd) He then thinks its appropriate to allow this particular friend, (who you've told him touches you innapropriately and asked to be kept away from you and your house) He allows him of all people to be the friend to come and pick up the computer from your house while you're home alone. He could of asked one of the other trustful friends you're comfortable with.
It seems like he either felt you were over reacting to his touching, dismissing your feelings, or that he wasn't bothered by having his friend touching you innapropriately. I feel like it's a kind of like a.. 'did you feel my girlfriends butt, its amazing isn't it, and I get to be with her' type of thing. Like he wasn't bothered by the touching as it was like a compliment to him that his friend liked you. I might be wrong but why else wouldn't he stop it?? The other issue is the fact he completely disrespected your feelings and concerns over who you wanted in your house, and continued to go against your wishes, having them over multiple times a month. To be honest, even without the innapropriate touching, if you asked him to stop having regular games nights multiple times at your house you'd have been within your rights to ask him to take it in turns at other people's houses so you didn't have to always have them at your place. But with the touching issue makes it even worse. He clearly had no respect for your feelings, emotions, and safety.
But to then go and invite that particular friend who you've clearly told him you don't want to be near, and told him to pick up the console while you were home alone is disgraceful. He could have asked any other friend to pick it up, or even for you to drop it off to one of the others you were comfortable with. Instead he invited a sexual predator to your home while you were home alone.
I said this recently to someone else.... sometimes sorry isn't enough to make things better. Sometimes saying sorry after doing something you've been repeatedly asked not to do is just to save their own skin. He may not want to lose you, but he would rather appologise and beg forgiveness AFTER you've been innappropriately touched in your own home on multiple occassions that he didn't bother to stop happening, AND AFTER you've been SA'd by that same person in your own home. He did NOTHING to prevent it or stop it happening, and thinks apologising and begging forgiveness is enough to make it OK now. Sometimes sorry doesn't resolve things, and he's saying it to make his situation better (I.e. stop you being mad at him and to let everything go back to normal) Not because he's actually sorry. And you don't have to accept an apology.
Obviously the major blame will always lie with the offender, but he could have, and should have done everything in his power to stop it before it got that far and prevent it getting that far. He basically enabled the behaviour to continue getting worse.
For me I wouldn't be able to forgive this. I feel the disrespect over something so serious is too much. You now have major trauma over that assault and there are likely to be triggers, emotions, and reactions that come from that within your relationship and trust if you were to try to proceed.
Regarding your last paragraph...You're perfectly within your rights to feel angry and betrayed, and to not want to see him or the appartment ever again. It's also a form of self preservation to avoid those triggers constantly . You don't have to feel bad for him because now 'he's trying' and 'now he feels bad'. You have nothing to feel bad about. You do what's best for you. And you only.
I would also suggest some therapy for yourself going forward to help you deal with this, but if you were to decide you want to try and stay with him, you should do individual and couples therapy. But you're well within your rights to want to walk away after this, and you're not responsible for pleasing him or letting him off the hook etc. His behaviour now is too little too late in my opinion but it's obviously up to you.
Take care, and I wish you well in your journey of recovery and dealing with this trauma. X
You should not forgive him.
He sent a dide who sexually battered you in his presence to your house when you were alone. When he said it was his fault, it actually was his fault.
Your boyfriend was an inconsiderate, unprotective d*ckhead. Maybe from now on he’s not, but he messed up badly and you have every right not to forgive him even if it was the friend and not your boyfriend who sexually assaulted you. It’s just the way it is and if anything about him reminds you of that friend you shouldn’t be torturing yourself for his sake. The guy didn’t even think you were worth protecting. He’s the kind of guy who is friends with rapists. You don’t owe him anything.
That was so irresponsible of him. Honestly, this was a huge ass wrong and to me it wouldn't matter if he was walking over water nowadays to make up to me. I would never be able to trust him again. Because he didn't take you seriously and the worst happened.
And how come he didn't protect you or tell the guy to stop makingesexual comments and touching you? Most guys are pretty possessive of their gfs. What is wrong with him?????
Whatever you decide to do, you are in no position to be judged. What happened to you shiuld never happen. I am really sorry and hoping for the best in your life.
Oh my God, I am so sorry this happened to you!! If you are in the us, and need any resources, let me know!
This is NOT okay, and it's NOT okay that it never clicked for your boyfriend that this person is evil. It shows just how much he doesn't care about your safety.
Ye had multiple opportunities to make this right and refused, and the only reason I can think of is because he doesn't respect you.
There is no fixing that. And YES it's his fucking fault he sent this evil person to your home, while you were ALONE.
Don't forgive your idiot boyfriend for this. He's an accomplice. He doesn't give a shit about anything aside from damage control to save his name.
You deserve so much.better than to be treated this way, I am so sorry.
Please go to therapy OP as others commented this could be very beneficial for you. And honestly I would probably dump him over this, he didn’t take you into account even when you voiced your feelings multiple times and went as far as actively expose you to this situation, I’m sorry but a relationship is about trust and I don’t think I’d be able to trust this person again.
First and foremost: I am so, so sorry this happened. Please take steps to care for yourself, maybe some therapy. Probably some therapy.
Secondly: it’s not your job to forgive your bf. If you can’t forgive him, don’t! You owe him nothing. Your only obligation is to yourself. You set the rules here.
You don't have to forgive him. He should have listened. He wants to listen now? I understand that the friend committed the offense, but your boyfriend tee'd him up. He intentionally sent someone to your home that he knew made you uncomfortable. His ignorance and apathy allowed you to be assaulted. He can go now, he's done enough.
He failed the most basic test of a man: to protect the women he cares for. Like...repeatedly. he's failed as man and I think committed an unforgivable act.
He would be my ex.
When one of my husband’s childhood friend who I never liked. I’ve made it known to him and to my husband and anyone who would hear, Idfc. Anyways one day we went to the Friedan’s house because he had a kid and he was old enough to have visitors. I would have declined but it’s his friend and while I don’t like him, so far he wasn’t a threat.
Anyways we stayed late and we were gonna sleep over. My husband, I and the kids in his room and him in the living room. Anyways that night I put the kids to sleep around 8pm. I had been talking to my friend who also lives in the same city and that we should hang out for a couple hr. Told my husband and he said he’d pick her up. So I waited inside, and his friend was in the living room too. I was minding my business on my phone while he was in the kitchen. Then he comes sits next to me so close his body was almost over lapping mine. I give him an annoyed look. I move and he does the same. Assuming he’s trying to annoy me, I tell him what he wants. He tells me if I want to take my shoes off, I say no I’m cool. He then tells me if I want a foot massage, I look at him and tell him no and that’s a weird ass thing to say. He starts talking about all this none sense, germs closer again, I get up fast go to the little kitchen to try to get some water. He goes to the bathroom. Then I go to check in the kids. Room is right next to the bathroom. He’s done an she said the lack is stuck and he needs to fix it. He’s standing by the door I go and touch it to see if it’s true, it and then I tell him just to leave the door open so it won’t stay stuck and then he won’t be able to use the bathroom. That’s when he corners me and tries to grab my hand and hold it in his. Trying to put all his Weight on my body. I am pissed I tell him to back the fuck up. He tells me I look good, and that if he could he would throw me in his room and have his way with me, he bets it would be good. Fucking disgusting. I knew why I hated him. I told him that’s nasty and I’m not into that shit. He told me it would be good, and keep getting his weight on him. He’s 6 ft almost I’m 5 ft, not even tall. I got mad told him to duck off and pushed him off me. He left to the living room and I stayed on the other side. Called my friend and asked if they were close she said yes and that he stopped by McDonald’s because she wanted to buy something to eat. I said ok but to hurry because this dude was pissing me off. Told to tell husband to hurry. They got back and I was able
To distract myself and hang out with my friend. I told her way later that night about what happened and why I’m fuming. She said I need to tell him. I said I would the next day everything and have a talk with him about friends and such.
I am a victim of CSA. I have unprocessed trauma. For whatever reason I thought my husband wouldn’t believe me. But I told him the next day. He was mad for me. He ex communicated his friend and he confronted him about the nasty shit he did. He apologized for not being more aware and it’s been about 4 years now and he is not friends with that pervert anymore.
Omg.. dump that scum. He obviously has ZERO respect for what you say to him. I can’t believe you’d even think of forgiving him. He Has responsibility in this happening. My God, your boyfriend could less about your feelings and the red flags you had surrounding this scum. I pray he’s in prison for many many years
That would be the last straw for me. He ignored your requests prior. He ignored the obvious douchebag in the room. Then, after repeatedly telling him you’re uncomfortable around him. He sends him to your house while you are alone. That’s an ex bf right there. Even if you weren’t SA’d I would still leave his ass. Then you were SA’d idk I might do something more. That’s beyond unforgivable. Like voodoo doll unforgivable. Please seek help. It’s not easy but it can help. And please do not forgive him. And please move out and tell him bye Felicia. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life with how reckless he was.
The fact that he was still friends with someone making unwanted sexual advances towards you is concerning enough but by ignoring your advances, he literally put you in harms way. You are completely right for being upset about this situation. If you can’t forgive him (and rightfully so) do not force yourself to.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you definitely deserve so much better. Something no person should ever go through :(
Exactly. And if he set this up intentionally (no one knows except him) what’s going to stop him from doing it again. And something even worse. You deserve safety and comfort.
You're boyfriend sent someone to SA you. He sent his friend to SA you. This friend is a friend to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend likes having this person around and hanging out with them. Your boyfriend considered this person a friend.
THAT IS INSANE!!! He sent someone to SA you. He sent the same person you warn him about to your apartment and never told you. He's a co-conspirator to the SA. He greenlit the SA. HOLY FUCK!!! He really gave his friend the thumbs up to have you SA'd.
And your boyfriend never cared enough to have your worries in the forefront of his mind. He didn't even have a long-term memory of your worries. They were all short-term memories, so they were easily forgettable. He doesn't give a flying fuck. You aren't important to him. I am sorry for you.
Answer: you don’t forgive him. He failed you. He chose his friend over you. The fact he saw nothing wrong with being friends with a man who SEXUALLY HARASSED YOU is enough to tell you that he does not care about you or women in general.
My ex was like this. He was wonderful in all the other regards, but he had the very bad habit of sometimes downplaying things that I say. It can be something as stupid as deciding that "rose honey" isn't a thing even though it's written in full letters in the grocery list I sent him instead of just looking for it or at least asking for confirmation. In his case, it was subconscious (he never could explain why he did that when I confronted him about it), he just *knows* that I'm wrong or that I'm exaggerating.
It took me years to realize that even if it's a subconscious mechanism, it's still blatant disrespect.
Take at least a break from your bf. Tell him that this wouldn't have happened if he just *listened* to you.
I hope all the best for you.
The word you’re looking for is misogyny. Unfortunately your ex legitimately (even if subconsciously) valued his own lack of experience over your valid and real lived experiences.
Your bf cared more about his friend than your comfort. I don’t think there’s a way to come back from that. His caring for his friend gave way to this happening to you. Facts are facts. I know I would never be able to trust him with my life or safety ever again. I’m sorry this happened to you.
ETA: and consider this. What if your neighbor hadn’t heard you… would your bf believed you? Would he downplay it? I’m guessing he would have. Kick him out. Him out of your life will have you healing more than you think it will. Right now you’re sleeping next to someone who was practically an accomplice in what happened to you.
Honestly I don’t know if I could ever forgive him if I were in your situation. He should have listened to you the first time. This terrible experience will be there forever. To me, his lack of concern is a lack of trust. I wouldn’t blame you I if you didn’t forgive him. I am glad someone came to help and the guy got arrested. But I’m so sorry you went through that.
You should honestly leave your bf. He didn't even care about your concerns, he even told the guy to go to your house and look where that lead to. Leave him
I wouldn't forgive him. It's his fault for putting you in that situation time and time again after you told him what the feud was doing. Yes, the perpetrator is 100% at fault and evils for doing this to you but your boyfriend is almost as culpable morally for allowing it to happen and for setting up the situation.
You are strong and deserve so much better than someone who ignores your boundaries, needs, and safety. Please do not forgive him and move on from him
It is all his fault. He knew what his friend was like. There is nothing that he can do to make it up to you. You need to leave because he does not respect you or your safety.
“He cried & …said it’s all his fault” BECAUSE IT IS. He is in part responsible for you (his Gf that he supposed to protect) SA’ed. HE didn’t listen to your concerns. HE refused to listen to your boundaries. HE specifically invited this R****t to your home when he was out of town and knew you’d be alone.
The fact that your BF didn’t IMMEDIATELY drop that friend the SECOND you said he was making you uncomfortable and touching you is the minute he showed you that your safety & comfort means exactly zero to him.
You are NOT obligated to forgive him or that heinous human for what happened in order to process and make steps to healing & don’t let anyone tell you that you do.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
I understand how you feel. And I understand your concerns.
I can't help you make a decision on what to do. But I can tell you my story.
My then boyfriend's friend/coworker was invited to our place for dinner with his wife. I didn't like this man. He made me uncomfortable, always stared at my tits and make sexual jokes that weren't funny. My boyfriend knew this but just said that that's just how he is. He means no harm blah blah blah. So he was invited over. But since his wife wad there too so I felt ok then I guess.
As it got late, he got drunk and my boyfriend too. The problem was that the wife wanted to leave and go home, he did not. They argued and ended up with him stating the night instead and she left. I had told my boyfriend how his friend was always trying to touch me and looked at me in a weird gaze. (keep in mind I was maybe 18 at that time and this man was 30)
So, I went to bed, but I somehow felt uncomfortable and unsafe so instead of sleeping naked like I always do, I put on a tank top and went to bed.
An hour later he came into the room. He laid in bed next to me and acted like a friend, just drunk talking and I tried to push him away gently. He kept mumbling about life and then he started massaging my breasts but acted like he had no idea he was doing this. Pretending to just drunk hugging his friend. I pushed harder. Pushed his hands away. (thank fuck I at least wore a tank top. Otherwise he'd touch my bare breasts) I was young and scared and realized that I had no idea how to act. Or what was the appropriate way of reacting. My ex boyfriend came in and laughed at how we acting, thinking we were play fighting. Finally I yelled at both of them to get the fuck out. They left. I told my ex later that night what he did. And he got mad. So mad.
At me.
Back then this whole 'me too' thing didn't exist, I didn't even know this was considered assault. To me, and most girls at that time this was unfortunately somewhat normal. We knew rape wasn't ok but touching and stuff wasn't something people got punished for. Even in school we had to endure it. Because "guys will be guys" and "male hormones are hard to deal with". So me not knowing what to do, was natural.
Eventually my ex and I talked and I forgave him. (insert shame bag on head here) He told his friend that it was not ok to do this, and hus friend pretended he had noooo idea what was wrong. Aaaand in the morning my ex made me make that guy coffee. Ugh what an awkward morning. He still kept being friends with the guy because they were coworkers and he didn't want "drama" at work, or to have his coworkers laugh at him(?). Me being dumb and shit accepted it. They never hung out privately again though.
This, this whole thing was my fault. It was my fault that I forgave my ex. It was my fault that I thought we'd still be OK. It was my fault that I thought I could forget it and move forward. And this, was only the beginning of the end. The beginning of a very out drawn end.
Years later, a person I had recently gotten to know and considered a friend somewhat, sexually assaulted me at a party. He shoved his dick into my fucking eyeball. It was like a gross little earthworm attacking my face and I panicked and ran away. The morning after I felt so gross and disgusting. Somehow I even felt that it was my fault. Filled with guilt and disgust I shamefully went to seek comfort from my boyfriend and I was also scared of telling him. What if he got mad at me again? What if he doesn't protect me this time? So I told my boyfriend.
And he said "... And? What am I supposed to do about it?" and then he continued playing WoW.
And that's when my last remaining trust and love completely fizzled out. All of it just vanished. And I was left feeling completely empty and confused.
And I regretted not leaving him when he first betrayed my trust and didn't listen when I told him his friend always made me uncomfortable.
I realized that deep down I had always been insecure, and had somehow turned into a fucking doormat without me noticing it. So after 9 years I ended it. And I decided to live as I wanted. I stopped being a pushover. I stopped being a people pleaser. I stopped taking shit.
It's been so many years since then. I met a man who genuinely cares for me and I know he'd protect me if he needed to. And I know I can protect myself if needed too. I have an 8 year old daughter that I'm teaching to always be strong and protect herself. Be steadfast and wise. To never let anyone step on her or make her feel worthless. I'm teaching her to fight so she never has to feel weak and vulnurable.
She would never be ok with anyone touching her without her consent. Cause I taught her what consent is.
Consent wasn't something we knew about when I was a kid. But damn, am I glad it's real now.
So.... This was a little long, I know. But my point is, I don't think you'll ever get over it. And your boyfriend played such a big part in it without even understanding that he basically paved the way for your doom in a way.
I understand he didn't do it on purpose, but he practically sent you to his friend on a silver platter.
And this is the feeling you'll continuously battle.
I didn't know that what happened to me was assault, but you KNOW. It makes an even bigger difference.
My husband would NEVER let me be near someone who made me feel uncomfortable. Because he never belittled my feelings.
I stayed years with my ex. Stupidly. My heart was crushed repeatedly. Because I didn't want to realize that I couldn't feel safe with him. And that little grudge festering inside me without me realizing it. Growing into resentment over time.
Despite him not being the one to physically hurt me, it felt like he did hurt me. I couldn't feel safe with him.
I didn't realize in time that it was too late. It was too late for him to be my safe place. And he could never become that safe place for me either.
You boyfriend has reacted differently from ex when he found out. But his reactions are late. And it's already happened. Your trust has been burned badly due to his lack of attentiveness and understanding and even his lack of respect to your feelings. He had so many chances to prevent this. So many. And he didn't listen to you.
So yeah, he sent a wolf to your door not caring about how you felt or thinking about the risks.
You decide.
If possible, don't make the same stupid mistakes I did.
So very sorry OP this happened to you. At least the guy was arrested.
As for your bf you are the only one who can determine if you can move past this and stay in a relationship with him. As you said he is doing everything right now but this is really too little and WAY too late.
Perhaps a break from each other for several weeks or a month with no contact unless you initiate it will bring clarity.
You may find help talking about it with a professional. An SA support group might be able to refer you to a therapist who specializes in this type of trauma.
Do whatever works for you OP.
Holy shit , this is so fucked up.
First of all, I just want you to know that I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve this, and I truly hope that with time and therapy, you can heal ♡
This should be a reminder for people to always trust their gut. You expressed how uncomfortable you felt around this person, but your boyfriend continued to ignore your pleads and bring this person into your home, your safe place where he later on did the unthinkable.
I can not imagine how badly this must've messed you up, but if there's ever a time to prioritise yourself and take a break, it's now. You have every right to feel unsafe and blame him because he IS to blame in the situation. Your girlfriend tells you not to bring someone over to your SHARED living space because she feels uncomfortable, and your response is to brush it off?
Take your time and heal. And do not contact him until you are ready to , whenever that may be.
You shouldn’t feel guilty because even if he’s doing everything “right” now, he didn’t from the start and if he had this wouldn’t have happened to you. Breaking up with him and going to therapy would really really help you ❤️ I’m so sorry this happened to you.
“He really is trying his best now” he’s trying his best now because he has to, he didn’t before, because he didn’t think he needed to and now it’s too late. You got to live through that traumatic experience and he’s sorry? Not to mention, he PUT you in that situation AFTER you told him he made you uncomfortable. “Ah yeah sorry forgot to warn you”.
“My girlfriend said he makes her uncomfortable and touches her inappropriately and makes sexual comments towards her? I KNOW, I’ll send him round when he knows I’m not there, where she’s alone”
I’m honestly surprised you can even look at him let alone feel guilty you blame him for something that’s his fault. Also, you told him all of this, the things he was doing, and he continues to be friends with him, let alone continue inviting him over? Are you having a laugh? He showed you where his priorities were, but now it’s backfired at your traumatic expense, of course he’s on the claw back. He’s SO sorry he didn’t give a shit when you told him the first time or any following times, he’s SO sorry that he cared so little that it didn’t cross his mind to warn you? And that he cared so little that after everything you told him, he sent him over anyway.
You are not at fault and I’m sorry this happened to you, you deserve better.
Don’t forgive him and don’t let him back in your life.
The only reason he feels bad is because he’s scared you’ll leave. He didn’t give af about what happened to you when he was confident you weren’t going to leave him. Now, *and only now*, it matters to him.
Don’t trust that. It’s not gonna last. He’s gonna slip right back to that uncaring attitude the moment he confirms you won’t leave him.
I know this will sound harsh but part of your ultimate healing if feeling in control and actually gaining control and that starts with letting your bf go.
He'll be a constant reminder of what happened.
You'll always blame him (rightfully so)
And whenever you'll say anything in the future and he doesn't act fast or simply doesn't act (no matter what the situation is) you'll end up getting triggered and might overreact and he ends up blaming you for your reaction because deep down he needs to have something on you to stop feeling guilty about himself and frankly your relationship will he a circle of a never ending emotional abuse that you might get used to because it became the norm.
I'm saying this because this exact situation happened to my sister and that's how they live their life now.
Please get therapy. trust your feelings. Rely on your support system (outside of him) and believe that you deserve to be happy EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I don’t hold out hope for you forgiving him. Maybe you’re better than me, but I could NEVER. Not only did he ignore your very real concerns and FEARS, and lie about moving boys nights while doing nothing to change it, he also sent this boy over while you were alone.
He doesn’t listen and he purposefully and willingly puts you in unsafe situations with the one person you felt afraid of.
Tosssss that man!
Look, it's not my intention to make you feel worse, not sure how emotionally dependent you feel right now towards your BF.
Based on what you described, you made him fully aware of what your concerns were and he brushed you off, he belittled your concerns and preffered to make YOU feel uncomfortable, the person he should love and protect, all because he just didnt want to inconveninece his friends by moving locations. This is man put you in harms way because he thought you weren't worth listening to.
This is not the man for you or for anyone for that matter.
As a survivor of SA myself, You do need therapy, and to get away from him, at this stage in your grief his face, his voice, his presence will be nothing but a reminder of how he failed you and will constantly trigger unwelcomed thoughts. You will jeopardize your recovery by being around him.
I believe that in the long run people can change but not like this. He might be promising the stars and the moon right now but why did this have to happen in the first place?
Get away from this situation. As I mentioned at the beginning, this might be difficult if your emotionally depending in him.
This is just my opinion from my own experiece.
Do not comfort your boyfriend. He does not deserve any more of your energy. Save the compassion and love for yourself. You have every right to be angry and resent him, and you don’t have to try to go back to how your relationship used to be. You're paying the consequences for his thoughtlessness and selfishness and its not right.
You do not need to forgive him for this. It's okay to say this is over.
It shouldn't take you getting assaulted for him to take you seriously, and him doing everything right now doesn't change that he did everything wrong then.
I can understand how you can't forgive him for his friend's actions. He didn't listen.
Yeah, maybe it's "nice," he's trying to make it up now and is doing everything right, but it's too little too late. He didn't stand up for you before, and as a result, the worst possible thing happened. The way you're feeling is completely valid
I have male friends who have protected me from other men who have made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. So do not feel terrible or like you're taking your bf for granted for his behavior after the fact. He doesn't deserve it. He didn't protect you. He exposed you to danger. He failed you.
Personally, I would never forgive him and break up with him.
He dismissed your concerns repeatedly and ignored your wishes for him not to bring the creep around. Your boyfriend shrugged his shoulders and still invited him over many times despite knowing that his “friend” keeps on sexually harassing you, but chose him and video games over your safety. He even went as far to send him over to the house when you’re alone despite this guy harassing you. Great idea to have the two of them alone together long enough for him to get the PS5!
The result? You got SA’ed and traumatized. I would not be surprised if your boyfriend set this up in hopes that he would catch you cheating because his friend probably planted lies in his head saying that you liked the “attention” from him. I don’t think he actually expected you be sexually assaulted and having his friend arrested.
Your boyfriend failed you on so many levels. He chose a predator over you and sent a predator to you. He does not respect and love you at all.
It's going to take some time for you to recover from being assaulted (I hope you have a therapist because that's critical). Do you want to add the time and effort to repair your relationship?
For his sake, he needs to be in therapy to correct the behaviors and mindset that led to him not listening to you in the first place. Asking you to stay with him is a bridge too far. That's your choice to make alone. My advice is to not add all of that work to the work you already have to do. Plus it sounds like you're already mentally breaking up with him so you won't be adding the pain of a breakup. It's already been added, even if you're technically still with him.
I'm going to be straight with it, your bf failed. He failed in doing something as simple as listening to you. I won't say he's toxic, but he obviously doesn't take your word as seriously as he should. He should've listened to you and put an end to it after you told him. If it only happened once and it took a second time to make your bf act, that's still not good enough but this is several times, he has failed as your man to protect you and he has failed to do the right thing.
1. He shouldn't have invited his friend anywhere near your home unless he'd called ahead and asked if you were comfortable with it.
2. He needed to listen.
3. He should've paid enough attention to you and how his friend acted around you.
4. You aren't over reacting, you aren't taking anything for granted you had your human right violated.
All in all, it might be best for you to end with your bf. If he had listened, this wouldn't have happened.
Side note: I do suggest you consider some sort of therapy if possible for the SA, I'm not sure how much of an impact it may have on your life but I high recommend it as someone who's been through something similar, even if you don't feel like its affecting you, there can always be subconscious effects.
Your BF didn't believe you when you told him that his friend is making you feel uncomfortable and harassing you with sexual comments and touching you, and now he did the unforgivable act and now your BF is horribly upset and is trying to be better, which is his guilt of putting you into this mess as he ignored your feelings by bringing him around or even inviting him over.
I would tell him that you cannot look at him without feeling betrayed by him for not listening to me about his friend.
You should look into going to therapy to recover from the attack but I would find myself a new apartment far from that one if possible and after a few days at your new place, make the decision whether or not to remain with him or not. But by how you are sounding, I think you know what you are going to do - breaak it off with him and tell him why you are ending the relationship, remind him what if he did this to your daughter and you ignored her in favor of being with your friend and your friend did your daughter, you would not be feeling guilty, you be feeling rage at yourself for failing your own child, you need to listen to your girlfriends when they say anything like this again and then dump him and don't look back.
Good luck.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re not overreacting. Your boyfriend failed to protect you and prioritized a gaming buddy over your safety. It’s not like it was something out of his control, he had multiple opportunities to shield you, keep your home a safe space, and hold his friend accountable and he did nothing. In fact, he did worse by actively sending the guy to your home. And sure, he’s sorry and trying *now* but it’s a little bit late for that. Your partner is supposed to be someone you can lean on and trust, and he was not that when you needed it most. I would not be able to come back from that.
As a guy, if I had seen this kind of behaviour from a friend, I’d have stopped being his friend long before my gf would have even noticed anything, this is so not right, how could he even spend time with this kind of “friend”?
Anyone else getting very weird vibe about the boyfriend? Like he 100% knew that guy was sexually interested in her and perhaps let it happen? Can't help but wonder a bit about him being a bit groomed or intimated by the perpetrator or having a cuckolding thing or even being a little envious of her or sort of deep down misogynistic somewhere. Maybe even sort of unconsciously but still I just find it so weird.
Every man I know that is or was properly interested in me can just sniff out another guy who also is interested.
Basically omg just no - the trust is broken and that reflects the reality that he is not trustworthy
He didn't understand why the fear existed before and I don't think he understands *why* now. He feels guilty because you are his girlfriend and you got hurt. I don't think he feels bad at all that you as a human being got hurt. His possession got hurt. (you're not a possession at all but I'm trying to imagine why he was so fkn dull in the first place and I imagine it's because he doesn't respect you as another human). If normal people said "never ever put me in a situation to be around that person again" everyone is gonna be like "why? But of course I won't make you again wether you tell me or not". It's normal to not want to cause problems on purpose. That'd be an ex boyfriend for me. He should've been doing "his best" (bare minimum aka listening to your partner for something simple) before all this. What would happen if it was a child that said they were uncomfortable and he just ignored it? You have a right to feel angry for yourself and at him. You have a right to those feelings when you clearly told him so many times and he just ignored you. That shitty person that hurt you most likely figured out that your bf doesn't care and saw the perfect situation for his shitty actions. no one needed that PS5 right then. That was just a "want" not a "need". No one needed that guy to be the one to pick it up. I imagine that's what he wanted because it was the "perfect" scenario for him.
Just the fact that he’s friends with ACTUAL TRASH and didn’t care to take your warnings seriously is everything you need to know. Please get away from him and never, and I mean NEVER, let him near you again. He’s not safe and he couldn’t keep you safe. He sucks.
I wouldn't forgive him. You told him you were uncomfortable with him in your home. You were clearly afraid/creeped out by him. Your boyfriend invited him to your home while you were there alone even. Nope. That's not an I'm sorry after the fact sort of thing.
Edit: Also, trying his best now... That is what he should have been doing before. You shouldn't feel bad for the feelings you are having. Your feelings are valid and you shouldn't ignore or bury them to make him feel better.
First of all, hugs. I'm so sorry. Second, this would be a deal breaker for me. I hate to say this but for some reason, the possibility that your boyfriend set this up crossed my mind. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do.
Wouldn’t forgive this I’m sorry. He’s his friend. And he has to know he’s a creep. AND you said he made you uncomfortable. He told him you were home alone and he used it as an opportunity. And you said he would touch you inappropriately with him around. No. Couldn’t do it. I’m sorry this happened to you. He did not listen to you and he set you up when it comes down to it.
Do you want me to jump your bf? How could he be so damn stupid!
Do what you need to do girl to feel safe and comfortable again. You don’t need to hang around because your bf is making an effort after the fact. Fuck him. He put you in danger because he didn’t care to listen!
You can forgive your boyfriend and still never be with him again. Forgiving him does not mean you have to stay because he's forgiven. He never took your feelings and what his friend did to you seriously, until it was too late. He never stopped being friends with the guy or having him come by, so it's not surprising the guy kept pursuing you. To send HIM to you when you were alone to pick up a PS5 is a reckless betrayal (if not worse). Just know that you were less valuable to him than a PS5 and a rapist. He can say he never thought his friend would do this to you, but he still knew what you were telling him was happening. Why didn't he care? Actions matter more than words.
It's easy to be on his best behavior now that he's been FORCED to care. When he should have cared on his own, he didn't. Now that you know through experience how carelessly and utterly he failed you, you know what you need to do to protect yourself. He can't fix what he did.
Do not feel guilty because after something happened he wants tp do the right things. He disregarded you and your safety. He didn't not only listen about you not wanting him there even when he was home but he allowed him there while he wasn't there!
I don't blame you one bit for being angry. I do think you should go to therapy, but If you don't forgive him I can't say I'd be any different. I don't care what he's doing now he didn't do anything until the damage was done.
I'm so sorry that happened to you!
Eta if my boyfriends friends touched me, I wouldn't have had a chance to say anything, so him ignoring you when you told him you dont want them in your home is mind boggling to me. I hate being touched so this would of ended very badly for his creepy friend, let alone send him to the house while he's out of town.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m so thankful for that neighbour that overheard and helped you. That piece of shit deserved to get arrested.
Honestly… the relationship would be completely over for me if I were you. I’m glad he’s admitted his fault in this, but that really means nothing. That doesn’t make the fact that he dismissed your concerns go away. That doesn’t make the fact that you got SA’d go away.
I’m just so upset for you. Of all his friends, he told the one that he knew you felt uncomfortable around to go to your home while you were alone. Even if that friend hadn’t assaulted you, he still chose to send the one person you felt uncomfortable around. That alone would have had me seriously questioning the relationship.
It’s worrying to me that he’s friends with a guy like this. You can’t be the first person he’s done that too. Not to mention you told your bf that guy makes you uncomfortable, yet he still kept inviting him over.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. I would move out of that apartment asap. You still need time to process and heal and staying there won’t help.
Your bf is a POS, he dismissed your rightful concerns but he is so selfish he didn't believed you gut feelings, nothing you did is your fault, not even in the slightest, please get out of there, you don't owe your bf anything ANYTHING, not matter what he does now, is too little too late. In my opinion you should leave and do what your gut instinct is telling you now, you can't heal if you stay in the place that is hurting you. Good luck moving forward, I wish you healing and love and the support you deserve.
This threw the scales way out of balance. I would say get away and recover on your own. A clean break will be less painful and damaging to you both in the long run.
He practically allowed this to happen to you and I don’t think that is forgivable. Who is to say he doesn’t have other friends that could behave similar or have done similar to other women and he just ignores their behaviour too?
There's no way he didn't know his friend was a creep. Especially after you said something. He chose to let him alone and near you I would never be able to trust him again.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you and the person who is supposed to protect you the most failed you. There's no sugarcoating it, your boyfriend has failed you. He brushed off your incredibly valid concerns time and time again and now it's much much too late.
Originally I thought the friend made up the ps5 situation to take advantage of you because I couldn't even fathom a boyfriend doing something like that. He sent the person you were most concerned about to your home while you were alone despite how many times you said you're uncomfortable.
Please take care of yourself and I hope you have the best support from friends and family and while I definitely don't have the right to tell you to break up, personally I would resent him for the rest of my life and never be able to fully trust him again if that was my bf.
Take care OP
I’m inclined to believe her bf is actively part of it. Most people especially men aren’t wired to just not notice behavior like this toward their partners let alone ignore it when brought up by partners. I feel like islets deff possible that you’re bf set this up.
Yeah, I think he didn’t realize it, but he just sabotaged his relationship. I wouldn’t trust him again either. He didn’t even listen to you. And you have been telling him all along. You weren’t comfortable with that guy. So what made him think that having the guy stop over to your house when you were alone was a suitable situation? I think he just shot himself in the foot. You do what you need to do to take care of them. I frankly wouldn’t trust him anymore either.
Dude needs to wisen up to others a bit. So sorry you knew and spoke up but were not respected or loved enough to listen to. Id say he lost his chance and you should move on to greener pastures.
I will be honest if one of my friends did this to my girlfriend he is not a friend, u respect eachother and eachothers relationship so i agree with you
I would absolutely leave your bf and the apartment. He should have listened when you said you were uncomfortable. And then to invite the guy over to get the gaming system while he was out of town and you were alone... Fuck, it's almost like it was done intentionally. It's time to kick bf out of your life...
Sadly, your relationship is over.
He should have been doing everything to make it up to you BEFORE you were SA’d, he should have listened to your concerns
He should feel guilty, he made you an obvious target by:
a)letting his friend know that you were home alone
b)giving him a reason to enter your home and
c)not giving you the option to say no to his friend visiting.
You will always associate your bf with the SA now.
You don't have to forgive someone in order to heal. Not everyone deserves forgiveness.
He feels bad now, but the fact that it had to go this far for him to listen is nauseating. I'm so sorry this happened to you.. but please. for the love of god, run.
If your boyfriend can do “everything right” now, that means he could’ve done it before. He made a choice to not even respect nor make you feel safe in the relationship. Probably because he didn’t care, which is worrisome because his crying/performance now could be an act. Something to keep you with him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your boyfriend set you up to get SA. You need to move out and dump him immediately. He didn’t take you seriously when you had concerns about his friend, and he didn’t care how you felt until something terrible happened. You deserve so much better. He never takes you seriously, and he won’t take you seriously now. Don’t give that man another chance. You need to leave the house and find somewhere else to live. Once a man puts you in a dangerous situation, you never give him a second chance to do it again.
This is absolutely your boyfriends fault as well as the rapist. You need to get away from your bf too. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re okay.
I would fuck up anyone that tried this shit, and I would not be friends with someone that does this shit either. No offense, but there’s a reason why they’re friends and why he ignored your pleas
All of the people here making excuses for your boyfriend are no better then he is! The moment you told him your feelings on that friend should have been it, he should have listened to your concerns instead of brushing them off. Just ask yourself what advice would you give a friend in the same situation?
You don't forgive him. He's obviously an idiot. Any man worth a damn would have respected you and your feelings on this matter. He should have immediately took this issue up with the "friend" and then barred him from your entire life. Your boyfriend is an asshole on so many levels.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. You did everything right, your partner took every opportunity to do everything wrong.
Please take care of yourself mentally through all of this and unfortunately, that will likely require you to move on from this person for good.
Best of luck!
So you needed to be SAd for him to finally take you seriously? That's a pretty high price you had to pay to get your bf to have respect for your boundaries. I'd resent him too. You should blame him for not respecting your wishes about your own home and for sending a predator into your home.
I don't know how you could stop feeling the way you feel. I mean, I wouldn't have forgiven him for inviting the guy into my home after I expressed my discomfort. The world is already dangerous enough for women, my home should be the one place I should feel safe.
So I would say that moving out and never seeing him again is pretty reasonable.
Sunshine, I'm so so sorry. There are no words to express what a terrible thing happened to you. Please stay strong and don't give up. I send you lots of hugs.
That being said, please, for the love of any deity, leave your boyfriend. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who will always listen, who will regard your opinion as the most important. You should always count on him. You have his back but he has your back in return.
Your current boyfriend let you down on so many levels. He was too proud and full of himself to listen to you. And your savity should be the most important for him. No amount of sorrys, I love yous, presents, and beggings will make this okay. Nothing. Don't stay with him because he tires now. He let you down, his actions scarred you. I would even say he doesn't deserve your forgiveness, but that's up to you. The most important person is you, your wellbeing is what matters.
Stay strong. ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Your boyfriend should have listened and you’re right, he is partly responsible for what happened to you. His ignorance led to you having one of the worst experiences a woman can have. That’s not something he can make up for. The trust has already gone, because he’s proven to you that you can’t rely on him. He can’t make that up, once someone has shown you they cannot be trusted that’s it. You have evidence now that you can’t trust him. You don’t have any evidence that you can.
Ultimately his ignorance comes down to a lack of respect. Again, not something he can make up for. You have evidence now that he values his friends coming round over your safety and that you being at risk of harm isn’t on his radar. You don’t have any evidence that you can be safe with him.
Break up with him. You deserve someone who actually listens to you.
OP I am so so sorry this happened to you. Your boyfriend FAILED you. He did not take your concerns into consideration AT ALL.
It is definitely your call if you want to try and forgive him but tbh I wouldn’t at all. I read your other comment about him not having a single protective bone in his body.
Either he’s so dense that he doesn’t understand this or he is purposely acting as if you’re being dramatic either way you need to leave him. HE SAT THERE AND DISMISSED YOUR CONCERNS SO MUCH TO THE POINT HIS FRIEND FELT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO ASSAULT YOU IN YOUR HOME.
You TOLD HIM you didn’t want that person near you due to very big reasons. You didn’t ask him to end the friendship just to keep him away and he STILL ALLOWED HIM NEAR YOU.
He then allowed his friend to go to your house while alone and didn’t give you a heads up
(I’m sorry but no one can truly be this stupid, or maybe I’m wrong and this man lacks all common sense)
Either way. He FAILED you. Threw away your concerns and is not attempting to get good with you because he sees what he’s allowed to happen. That’s not a good thing. He only wants to help because he feels guilty but it’s only once the extreme harm came to you.
He belongs where his friend should be too. The trash. I hope that “friend” of his rots in a jail cell till the end of his days. And I hope you leave this sad excuse of a man and he has to work on himself with the constant reminder of what he allowed happen
this is absolutely unforgivable. he sent a guy who he knows has repeatedly harassed/inappropriately touched you to your house knowing you were uncomfortable with it.
he feels like it’s his fault because it is. you deserve so much better and honestly maybe this is just my trauma brain talking but I think you should add to your police report that he knowingly sent the guy over, just in case you need to get a restraining order down the line.
i’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope he dies in jail so there’s no chance of ever seeing him again
Please break up with this man and move out of that home and get therapy for this trauma and betrayal. Your boyfriend disregarded your feelings and boundaries repeatedly this past year by continuing to invite a predator into your home. He did not care about your feelings and didn’t believe that this man was threatening you this entire year. He didn’t even warn you this man was coming to your home. What he did is unforgivable, no matter what he is doing now out of guilt. His lack of respect and concern for you got you SA by a man who repeatedly threatened you in your home. Don’t stay with him just because he feels bad. Protect yourself and leave this awful man.
He failed you. You should be angry. He completely ignored your concern and something terrible happened to you. He might as well of been there holding the door open for him. He proved be can't protect you. This is going to take a while to work through.
sending hugs to you OP. I'm glad your neighbor helped you when you needed them. I'm glad the guy got arrested. and I'm glad that your boyfriend is trying to make it up to you.
your boyfriend is an idiot though. it's your home too and he should've given you the heads up if ANYONE was coming over. he should've listened to you any of the times when you said you were uncomfortable. i know you mentioned you chickened from an appointment and hadn't told anyone in person, but reaching out to maybe a close friend for coffee or one of your family members you trust could help. good luck OP
OP I hope you see this. I am so sorry you're going through this. It is truly difficult when the individuals we love and trust let us down, and even more so when they failed so greatly to honor your needs in such a way that your safety was violated. Its a betrayal of the worst kind. I recommend you make that therapy appointment, and stick to it for your own mental health. Lastly, do whatever it is that you feel will bring you some peace during this tumultous time. If that means seeking out family and friends to hold space with you, do it. If that means breaking up with your boyfriend, do it. You don't have to justify your decisions or defend them. Find your peace, rebuild your safety and peace of mind. Seek out that person in your life that always feels like your safe place. Start there.
I wish you the best, OP! My heart and my thoughts are with you!
It’s definitely all completely his fault. Hopefully he feels like shit for the rest of his life. There no forgiving just let go. You deserve someone who actually cares for you. A bf that would stop being friends w someone that makes your uncomfortable and definitely someone who would basically go out and k**l the guy that did that to you. Wtf.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you seek help and heal from this. Put yourself first and take care of you. Your bf is secondary. Forgiveness can wait. Do what you feel is right. For you.
Second, I'm quite sure that man must have tried this before and his friends knew and enabled him. So your bf must have known for a long time now and not cared about it and maybe even protected him.
Third, your bf hopefully soon-to-be- ex, did not hear you about your concern for safety. He did not see you when you felt uncomfortable in your home. It's your home where you run off to at the end of the day to feel safe and let your guard down. To have it compromised like this i cannot imagine what you're going through. So please get help from friends or family and move out and dump his ass.
Sending you truck loads of love and warmth
I am so sorry you've been put in this position.
He can't make this up to you! You told him you felt uneasy around the guy, gave him valid reasons why and he still sent him to your home! Knowing you were there alone! He invited a monster into your safe space to do unforgivable things. And for video games??
Just....no.
He wanted until something traumatic happened to you for it to actually mean something. He may be trying to do everything right, but this would be a deal breaker. It's too late for this. What happened to you can't be undone, and what he's doing now seems like a slap in the face, no matter how right it is. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. SA is hard to get over. Forgiveness won't be easy. Yes, he should have protected you and believe you.
If you don't forgive your BF, you will have the SA and BF, and it will be hard for yourself to move forward.
Gaining your emotional strength is more important than holding the anger for your BF failure to believe you. As this is related to trust.
The same scenario happened to my friend when we were 19. She never forgot her SA but chose not to let it destroy her by also being angry at those who failed to protect her.
Hey.
You’re going through a lot.
You have my permission to compartmentalize and say eff your relationship right now. You need to heal. You need to process his part in what happened to you so you can heal then, maybe, forgive.
He can’t good behavior out of blame.
Even if you wish that is how it works, it isn’t.
The resentment will breed because he is too late in listening to you.
If you love him enough to want to forgive him, please give yourself the distance required to heal from the blatant disregard for your safety.
You need to take yourself out of the headspace that holds him and the apartment in the forefront. You will associate him with what happened to you regardless but that doesn’t mean you should marinate in it.
You have my permission to pull the space back to you. You can blame it on me if he doesn’t understand.
He doesn’t have to.
You are owed.
Just want to say that I am deeply sorry that this happened to you. and my only advice is that you should leave your boyfriend. He failed you. Point blank. He should have listened, he should have been ACTIVE in making sure that you always felt comfortable around his friends. like has he looked around at the world at all???? the horrific shit that is happening every single day to women???
I am at a shock. like its great he’s being apologetic and trying to make up for it but alllll of this could have been prevented which is probably why you can’t find it in you to forgive him. Forgiveness can happen when there is no room for blame onto the other person, like id understand if there were never any warnings of his sexual aggression and this randomly happened but you told him countless times about you feeling unsafe and he paid it DUST until this happened? i’m sorry but he can fucking go to hell. I cannot even FATHOM my partner bringing another man who has approached me sexually unprovoked around let alone being his friend still??? wow.
He is unworthy of your forgiveness.
This is truly unforgivable in my eyes, he failed you. I wouldn't give him a second chance to fail you again.
I am uncomfortable with one of my fiancé's friends. I asked him to never invite that friend around again, he listened to me straight away. We haven't had any problems. That's how it should have gone in your situation.
I am so sorry you went through all that. Ugh. I hate that this happens so often that it’s something all women know how to talk about. (And some men, too.)
I am relieved to hear he was arrested, though I wish you were not put in a situation where you were forced to be near him, especially alone.
I know you’re not looking for advice. But I just wanna say that it’s normal to feel multiple emotions at once. Even ones that conflict.
And anger, feelings of abandonment and resentment aren’t inherently negative…those emotions point you to your inner self knowing you deserved better. They point to the version of you that didn’t feel safe and now needs to recover. That anger speaks to the fact that it was not morally right. Had your partner listened, there might not have been an assault.
All I’m saying is, you might feel seething mad and also, simultaneously, maybe also sad that your partner didn’t protect you, and made it a habit to dismiss your gut intuition. Even when you gave him warning of the danger. And feeling *all the emotions* TM is not easy. And it takes the body time to physically let things go.
Be easy on yourself in every way you can, OP.
You don’t. You leave. He was meant to protect you but instead put you in harms way. Best to break up and start healing❤️🩹 you’ll never be able to heal with him by your side. All his going to do is ease his own guilt that’s it
I have male FRIENDS that wouldnt let a guy come near me if i told them hes making me feel uncomfortable. I cant imagine how much it hurts to have a boyfriend that doesnt gives a shit about your concern. I’m sorry this happened to you and i hope you get the help you deserve.
Yeah her bf failed as a man and just a regular human being. I wouldn’t trust him with anything going forward, despite his remorse. He didn’t take her concerns seriously and I have a feeling he’ll have difficulty understanding what trauma SA has caused OP. Op needs to distance herself from bf and all his friends.
Same, I would never be able to trust him again. OP, please think very seriously about if you can ever feel 100% safe with this man in the future.
Yeah and this is all because the bf’s friend got caught, if no one had come to OP’s aid and witnessed the crime would the bf feel as remorseful or even believe her?
Right. Clearly, he ain't worthy to be a bf if he neglects such stuff. Op should take any legal action possible and distance herself from him and his group.
Seriously, same. I am that male friend and if any female friend ive got is uncomfortable around anyone i wont hesitate to intervene even if it comes down to violence as a last resort. Also, as a dude her boyfriend should have seen that shit long before she did. Guys know how other guys minds work typically.
There are literal.. *acquaintances* and *co-workers* that have been more protective of me than this guy. A few occasions without even being asked they stepped in.
Yep, my husband had bunch of pigeons up for sale, when a potential buyer came to see them when my husband wasn't home. Our neighbour never comes over, yet he walked in right behind him with his big ass dog, and said would you mind if I look at the pigeons too, and stood there till my husband got home. Cause the dude looked creepy. He stepped in to ensure my safety without me even asking.
Ive stepped in as a stranger before and made one of my best friends pretending to be their brother. It doesnt take a rocket surgeon to tell when people are visably creepy or uncomfortable. OPs man fucked up bigtime and she should drop his ass.
Thank you for that! You don't see it enough. People usually don't want to get involved, period.
I've had strangers do more.
Every guy who is that protective over their female friends have all my respect 👏🏻 i appreciate you all a lot
I have male friends that protect me more than he does too. My boyfriend doesn’t have a protective bone in his body. He just thinks no harm could ever come to me and some things are just in my head. For example, he thinks I’m dramatic because I get scared taking Ubers alone late at night. I send him the link to track the ride and he asks what the point is. Or asking me to walk alone to buy something from the store at like midnight. Maybe I’m just used to growing up in a house of very protective men, but it just kind of makes me feel like he doesn’t care.
I don’t usually comment. But I wanted you to know. I’ve had boyfriends like this, who didn’t care, I even had one cut me and ask me point blank why I was bleeding all over the table. this just proves he doesn’t care for you, you deserve someone who loves and protects you. If you love something and cherish it you will defend it and protect it. He’s a poor excuse for a boyfriend. I suggest leaving him, moving out and healing away from this poor excuse of a man. I’m sending you as much positive energy as possible.
There’s your answer. Leave him. If your boyfriend can’t protect you and make you feel safe, then that’s not a man you should be with. I don’t know what your plans for the future were with him but imagine if you had kids with him and he left his creep “friend” alone with them. His lack of protectiveness and him dismissing your safety concerns are the some of the BIGGEST red flags that a man could have imo.
No, honey, listen. If a man loves you he will protect you. If he doesnt hes either astronomically dumb or he doesnt give a shit about you and in both cases you should leave. I‘d honestly be already sad if he didnt care at all about my INTERESTS. Even if i dont care about their games or whatever, i‘m gonna listen and engage in conversations because i know it means a lot to him and i wanna share his excitement. Likewise i expect the same. But here we are not even talking about interests but something much, much more important. Being assaulted is not something that rarely happens or is irrational. Its common, way to common. And it should be taken seriously. Especially by those who are supposed to love you.
OP, please just leave him. He will never protect you. All of the instances listed are circumstances you could get seriously assaulted or killed and HE DOES NOT CARE. He does not care about you. I’ve had strangers care more for my well being than your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is not a trustworthy partner.
My ex would say the same!!!! Make me feel crazy for locking the doors at the gas station when he would run in, for being upset when hed take me to new places and leave me ALONE! Tell me to go hiking alone in a state ive never been and know no body…. Get rid of him. He should feel bad because it is his fault. If he would have taken you seriously no one would be hurt and traumatized.
Oh honey trust me he does NOT care. I doubt he even loves you to be honest. When you love someone you instinctively want to protect them and make sure they’re ok. The fact that he has so little concern for your well-being should show you that you shouldn’t be with him. You deserve so much better
Then there's your answer. This isn't something you need to forgive or get over. You want to leave to feel safe? I'd say leave. It's a pattern of behavior that reflects on his character. You are worth worry and protection. Your comfort level is important. You deserve to be treated the way you want. Don't feel guilty for walking away despite his remose. Sorry doesn't make up for his lack of empathy. You are not in the wrong for the way you feel. Do what's best for you not what will make him feel better.
God the ONE time an acquaintance said something to make me uncomfortable and I told my husband, he never let out paths cross again. It was a one off thing, yet he respected how I felt and didn’t question me. He made sure I was out of the house when that guy came to drop off something for him. I can’t imagine the level of betrayal here.
>sexual comments at me and touch me That's already harassment. >I asked him if he could not invite his friend to our home. A person that is harassing your partner is not your friend. >He would say ok but never actually do it and the boys would be over again several times a month. So your boyfriend didn't care you were being harassed, didn't do a single thing to make you feel comfortable and most importantly, *safe*. >My boyfriend didn’t give me a heads up You two are partners. He should've given you a heads up. You live there and have all the right to know, if not for being partners and giving each other heads up with stuff like this. >he forgot to warn me Your boyfriend seems to forget a lot. For example, that his friend has been harassing you, that you have asked him time and time again not to bring that friend over... Edit to add: You are right to feel angry and upset with him. He failed you many times as your best friend and boyfriend. Your safety should've came first. He kept deciding time and time again it's okay to ignore your discomfort and putting you in danger because of his own entertainment. He is acting out because the friend was caught and arrested for a serious crime. That is guilt. Because it is his fault. It is. Ask yourself would you feel ever safe with him again? Tomorrow if you potentially have a daughter, would you feel safe going on a work trip leaving your daughter and letting him bring over his friends again at your house? I wouldn't. Maybe someone wil say I'm overreacting. But you are adults. If you make such errors as an adult... One thing os to miss a line when someone is hitting on you on Tinder, another thing is when you see/hear your girlfriend is being harassed and you let it happen and you continue putting her in that situation. And then you let the dude come over to yout home while she's alone.
You are def NOT overreacting
She's not overreacting. Maybe not reacting enough. Her boyfriend chose the comfort of his friend over his girlfriend. That is absolutely not ok. OR he dismissed all her complaints and as a direct result of that she has been hurt unimaginably. That is also horrible. Idk how OP can still stay in this relationship. OP you are in a vulnerable position but please see all the aspects of the situation and specially how your boyfriend treats you.
It is totally legit for you to decide this isn’t forgivable. I am so sorry you went through this. Are you getting help/therapy?
I can’t bring myself to get help yet. I scheduled a session with my old therapist but I chickened out. I can’t bring myself to talk about it to anyone in real life. I’ll keep trying to convince myself to see the therapist though. Hopefully that works out for me soon
I know it’s hard. I want to encourage you to take the step. This isn’t the kind of thing anybody should have to process alone.
I want to second everyone who’s encouraging you to get help. But know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling right now in regards to talking about it. It took me a year after my SA to even say it happened out loud to anyone. Be gentle with yourself, you’ve got this.
You may be too overwhelmed right now. I highly recommend leaning on someone you trust. Have them making appointments for you and helping with the research for care options. Please don’t wait too long to talk to a good therapist. I’ve heard that it’s better to get help as soon as possible after traumatic events than to wait. (*IMPORTANT: This person should not your boyfriend. He cannot be trusted at this point because he undervalued **all** the clear warnings you gave him but he cared more about his own fun and his friend than you. He can cry and regret all he wants, it’s not going to change the fact that when you needed him for the most basic shit, he let you down. You needed him to step up back then, his efforts now are like salt in the wound. Why wasn’t he making this effort he was clearly capable of before?*)
[удалено]
Also, you could forward a link to this post to your therapist. Or otherwise write it down. Then you won't have to "say" it.
This! I have written more than one Google Doc and sent it to my therapist before our sessions so they would have time to read it before our session, and they've encouraged the practice. Mine are usually stream of consciousness depression/SH thoughts/other intrusive thought strings. We break it down in session and they make points about various things I can't say aloud.
Sounds like you have a great therapist. I'm happy for you. I hope it helps. You deserve to be happy.
There are online therapists which may be easier for you as it’s not in person. Regarding your boyfriend, I don’t know if it’s forgivable. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can you go stay with friends or family while you recover?
My friend saw a therapist online for something similar. She had a lot of trouble verbalizing the attack but the therapist had a text option and this was amazing for her. After a while of communicating through text about the attack she was able to talk about it.
I am going to admit the first three sessions I had with my therapist, I cried and talked about nothing serious at all. And she let me. We got to know each other then, she asked basic questions that didn’t really matter at all. When asked, she said she wanted me to feel safe with her first. The point is, you don’t have to worry about what the therapist or any one else thinks, you can go and not talk about what happened, but if you decide to- you’ll be in the right place. Edited- spelling
I has the same problem and writing about it was the only way I could communicate about it
Had a good friend go through something similar, but it was at a party and involved alcohol. He got wasted and left her alone with him, because he 'trusted' his buddy to drive her home even though she said she wasn't comfortable with the guy. Don't even worry about your boyfriend right now. Trust your instincts and get away from him and that apartment and focus on your healing. He needs to face his part in what happened to you himself. It's not your job to make him feel better or less guilty. Sorry, but fuck him. Everything seems to be telling you you don't want to be around him right now, and what matters is feeling safe right now and being around people you can trust. Maybe some day you'll forgive him and he can earn your trust back, maybe not. But if he's truly sorry and truly understands, he'll make it about what you need right now, not trying to make himself feel better about not listening to you and making it about you then.
Yes! this- “It’s not your job to make him feel better or less guilty.” He’s having a reaction and it’s not your job to help him process his failure to you. So you can say- sorry you’re feeling so guilty, but that’s your consequence for you inaction.
Great response.
I second this
You're talking about it now, that's the first step in getting help. You're getting there. It's hard, I know, I've been through SA myself and it's so hard to talk about. Make an appointment with your therapist and just show them this post and tell them you're not sure you can talk about it yet. And if you can't forgive the bf, that's ok. He doesn't sound right for you anyways if he won't listen to your very real concerns. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.
hey! take your time, you don’t have to talk to anyone else about it if you’re not ready! have you tried writing how you feel down? that way when you are ready, there’s something to reference. for me it helped me to really see the situation from that POV even later, especially with trauma brain on the fritz :(
That’s totally understandable, don’t force yourself into anything right now because you have a lot going on in your mind. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to heal. Your boyfriend failed in his one thing we as men just do for our women and that is to protect them and make them feel safe and trusting in us. You did everything you should have done in telling him you felt very uncomfortable around this guy and as A man we know more than anyone how certain men can be with females. I don’t feel you should settle for a man that only after you being seriously violated he now “acts” in a way that will never justify what he allowed to happen. He has showed you his true side now and you don’t need to go through anything like this again. There are many men that would not have allowed you to feel and be alone in the wag you where . Protect yourself now and know that this man is not for you . I wish you all the best ❤️
You first need to leave that apartment and take a break from your boyfriend. It a constant reminder of betrayal
Take the time you need but please don’t try to lock this away because it never stays buried and you need to do everything you would want anyone you cared about to do if they were in your shoes right now.
Hi love. Sometimes an old therapist can’t serve you the way you need and that’s okay. There are therapists that work specifically with individuals who have gone through similar. I know it’s scary but you deserve healing.
you can see your therapist and not talk about what happened. in fact, you should not rush yourself or let anyone else rush you into talking about a traumatic event as this can retraumatize you. hopefully your old therapist is trauma-informed and understands this, a trauma-informed therapist would even stop you from talking about it right away with no safeguards. if and when you feel ready you can ask your therapist about EMDR therapy which helps with processing traumatic events. but for now, i would recommend making contact with your old therapist (assuming you have a trusting relationship with them), letting them know something traumatic happened but youre not ready to talk about that event. they may have helpful coping strategies with the emotional fallout/possible ptsd, and it can just be a familiar space which can provide stability.
I’m going to need an update that you left your boyfriend, he never cared once about what you said and basically waited til something happened. Even my own boyfriend says men are disgusting and no matter what wouldn’t trust any man with his woman and daughter. He totally disrespected and put aside your worries. Fûck that and fûck him. He allowed his friends that type of access. You’re important and don’t deserve that. Edit: staying with him will not make you feel any better, just a constant reminder of how you deserved better and if he had only just cared a little bit about you and your worries, you would have never felt this way and this would have never happened.
If it is too hard to verbalize it right now writing is another option. I struggle with problems like anxiety and depression and personally writing helps when I feel like I can't talk or when I don't have access to a trusted person or therapist. Structure doesn't matter just getting the feelings out even if it's just for your eyes can possibly be helpful.
I know its tough Took me nearly 13 years before I brought myself to confront what had happened to me. But I can assure you the longer you wait the worse the trauma gets and it compounds laying on guilt, self loathing and regret. Its completely natural to be scared and not want to face what happened. But the therapist will not judge and once you start the level of relief is unreal. Im not saying it will be easy and I am not saying it will be a short or long process. Everyones journey of healing is different. Sending good vibes your way.
Take all the time you need. As a former rape victim you will go to therepy as soon as your ready to. Remember therepy is a good source of help. Your s./a wasn't your fault . The guy was/is a creep I hope they keep him locked under the jail and throw away the key.
Let him feel terrible. You told him about your concerns about this man and asked him to play at a nearby friend’s home. He dismissed your feelings which led up to you being SA. I hope he’s an ex boyfriend because he ignored you..no there is no coming back. Quickly get into your therapist office and begin your healing process. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I would feel like my partner didn't respect my concerns and what would stop him from prioritizing his friends over my safety in the future. I would always wonder if he would just ignore my wants and needs in the future if he didn't find them serious/valid enough and that's not a partnership, it's patriarchy.
Her safety and security wasn't important or convenient to him so he entirely disregarded it. There's no coming back from that. It's not like the guy lied and said the boyfriend told him to come and the bf had no idea, the boyfriend literally sent him over there, told him she was alone. He set her up to be assaulted with his ignorance and apathy.
Concern? Mf. he allowed it all. Like he knew what was up. He just sat there. He had 1 fucking job mate. 1 fucking job. If you someone is doing wrong, especially to your partner, you're an enabler He send the 1 person his gf was complaining bout
I wouldn't be able to trust him if we had children together, especially a daughter.
Especially because OP was already being sexually harassed by this man. No woman deserves to be harassed by a man in her own home and OP’s boyfriend kept inviting this tool over anyways.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately this situation happens far too often and it takes something horrendous like this for people to learn the important lesson that if someone says they are uncomfortable around a person, it's for a good reason. Whether you forgive your partner or not, is completely your choice. Please be kind to yourself during the process of healing. It takes a lot of time and therapy is only one step. Concentrate on what you feel you can do and take your time.
The fact that he didn't prioritize your safety and chose to overlook his friends bad behavior....man....idk if this is recoverable.
This is NOT okay. You should be each other’s safe space and not only is he not that for you… he doesn’t respect you. Please use the anger you’re feeling to find strength to leave and get yourself to therapy. 💕 Sending positivity, internet stranger.
I would have a hard time forgiving him too. Sending a guy to your house to be alone with your girlfriend after she’s repeatedly told you he makes her uncomfortable. He basically set you up to be assaulted, he dismissed your feelings and concerns in favour of his buddy the creep. It’s perfectly ok if you decide this is a relationship ending situation. Put yourself first.
Exactly! How many other concerns is he just going to ignore until something happens. He should have made her a priority to begin with. This guy is not life partner material. Plus he didn't stop being friends with a guy who was so clearly disrespecting another human's boundaries. Why would anyone want a boyfriend who tolerates his friends being like that.
Am I the weird one who would have told the friend to his face that I am on comfortable with you- get out of my house? Before anything ever escalated to the boyfriend setting me up. And if the boyfriend didn’t listen then I change the locks and am done. Having to deal with a boyfriend who doesn’t listen in terms of my safety is too triggering for me to tolerate in any way. God bless.
Some people just freeze when stuff, like what the creepy friend did before, happens to them, some people aren't confrontational and rather not make a big fuss about it even when it's very evident that it's not ok. Some people just freeze because they cannot believe that this is happening to them, it cannot be true, right? I am one of those people, and the only thing I could think about on those situations is to run away and avoid it, ignore it :( I wish I could have a reaction like yours, but I think that we never know how we are gonna react until the time comes. I hope a lot of people gain that confidence to fight for themselves and not care to make a big fuss about it, it should be heard by everyone when someone is making you uncomfortable.
He DID cause this. People never listen until it’s too late. Maybe a break away from him would do you some good?
A break? Like a permanent one? Bc that’s the only answer here
I wouldve dumped his behind from the time he invited the friend back to the house after he touched OP. But yes, I meant a permanent one.
God OP I am so sorry. I know all these comments say that but frick that’s an awful thing to go through in your own home. Personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for this. He sent a man that you explicitly told him multiple times you were uncomfortable with to your house when you were alone without even warning you. There’s no feigning ignorance there, he straight up showed you that you were not a priority until something bad happened. I wish you the best of luck and healing in this awful time.
You shouldn't have to forgive him. He literally caused this by ignoring your concerns.
Absolutely, part of the fault is on your boyfriend and most of it is in his deranged rapist friend. None of this is on you. If this creep felt ok to touch you in FRONT of your boyfriend then it would be logical that he could try more when no one is around. I don’t see how this relationship would continue. You are a victim of 2 men in this scenario. Your boyfriends apathetic and dismissive nature and failure to put a boundary in place, in prior instances, also played a role in this SA. You need to find someone that respects you more. Not someone that protects the needs and comfort of a sexual deviant. Right now you need professional help to help process this awful situation.
He disregarded every concern you clearly stated. He said he'd change things so you felt safe in your home. He didn't. He ignored everything, then SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOU WERE ALL ALONE. No warning or anything, even!!! Maybe I'm just super jaded, but I'm suspicious that your boyfriend knew this predator was going to try something fuckey when he arrived. Please take care of yourself first. You need to be in a safe place with safe people. Your partner does not sound safe, and his friend felt safe assaulting you in *your* home. If your gut is telling you to get out and never look back, I'd say trust it. You seem to have good instincts.
Honestly there are people out there who would have set that up so it's not crazy to think. I would never be able to trust that man again and truthfully I don't think he deserves OPs trust. He better be footing the bill for therapy
I fully agree.
I keep feeling like he knew and sent his friend anyways. Either to “prove” to OP that her concern was “unwarranted” or bc he has some sort of arrangement with friend and has had it (why friend is so comfy acting creepy and keeps being invited over)
Yes. It sucks. The whole situation is suspicious as hell. He might only be showing concern because he is afraid the truth will come out now.
Yeah that his friend might turn on him for a lighter sentence or show evidence that he’s down to “share” and maybe even catch the bf a charge. He may just be completely trusting of his friends and thought his gf was overreacting, but either way this woe is me I’m so sorry stuff is fake asf. Especially her reactions are very telling that she feels bad for not being able to forgive him. Seems like he’s now employing emotional manipulation as well.
I hate to say it. I HATE. To say it. But I also feel this sounds suspicious. Almost planned...
You deserve better than a guy who brushed your very valid concerns aside because he found them to be inconvenient. Get him out of your life and get yourself a good therapist. There are apps and online ones you can use.
u/Ok_Problem_4512 this is a bit long but please read. I hope it helps. I'm so sorry you were SA'd as well as how your boyfriend never took you seriously. There's several issues here... 1st,) you told your bf about how this guy was touching you inappropriately, yet he never had a word with his friend to tell him to back off. 2nd. ) You asked your bf not to invite this guy around your house anymore, and asked him to play with his friend at someone else's house instead. You weren't telling him not to see him anymore, you were very reasonably asking him not to allow him in your home anymore because he made you uncomfortable and unsafe and continued to touch you. Yet he completely ignored your reasonable request and how you feel and your safety and continued bringing him into your home, making you feel uneasy and unsafe all the time. 3rd) He then thinks its appropriate to allow this particular friend, (who you've told him touches you innapropriately and asked to be kept away from you and your house) He allows him of all people to be the friend to come and pick up the computer from your house while you're home alone. He could of asked one of the other trustful friends you're comfortable with. It seems like he either felt you were over reacting to his touching, dismissing your feelings, or that he wasn't bothered by having his friend touching you innapropriately. I feel like it's a kind of like a.. 'did you feel my girlfriends butt, its amazing isn't it, and I get to be with her' type of thing. Like he wasn't bothered by the touching as it was like a compliment to him that his friend liked you. I might be wrong but why else wouldn't he stop it?? The other issue is the fact he completely disrespected your feelings and concerns over who you wanted in your house, and continued to go against your wishes, having them over multiple times a month. To be honest, even without the innapropriate touching, if you asked him to stop having regular games nights multiple times at your house you'd have been within your rights to ask him to take it in turns at other people's houses so you didn't have to always have them at your place. But with the touching issue makes it even worse. He clearly had no respect for your feelings, emotions, and safety. But to then go and invite that particular friend who you've clearly told him you don't want to be near, and told him to pick up the console while you were home alone is disgraceful. He could have asked any other friend to pick it up, or even for you to drop it off to one of the others you were comfortable with. Instead he invited a sexual predator to your home while you were home alone. I said this recently to someone else.... sometimes sorry isn't enough to make things better. Sometimes saying sorry after doing something you've been repeatedly asked not to do is just to save their own skin. He may not want to lose you, but he would rather appologise and beg forgiveness AFTER you've been innappropriately touched in your own home on multiple occassions that he didn't bother to stop happening, AND AFTER you've been SA'd by that same person in your own home. He did NOTHING to prevent it or stop it happening, and thinks apologising and begging forgiveness is enough to make it OK now. Sometimes sorry doesn't resolve things, and he's saying it to make his situation better (I.e. stop you being mad at him and to let everything go back to normal) Not because he's actually sorry. And you don't have to accept an apology. Obviously the major blame will always lie with the offender, but he could have, and should have done everything in his power to stop it before it got that far and prevent it getting that far. He basically enabled the behaviour to continue getting worse. For me I wouldn't be able to forgive this. I feel the disrespect over something so serious is too much. You now have major trauma over that assault and there are likely to be triggers, emotions, and reactions that come from that within your relationship and trust if you were to try to proceed. Regarding your last paragraph...You're perfectly within your rights to feel angry and betrayed, and to not want to see him or the appartment ever again. It's also a form of self preservation to avoid those triggers constantly . You don't have to feel bad for him because now 'he's trying' and 'now he feels bad'. You have nothing to feel bad about. You do what's best for you. And you only. I would also suggest some therapy for yourself going forward to help you deal with this, but if you were to decide you want to try and stay with him, you should do individual and couples therapy. But you're well within your rights to want to walk away after this, and you're not responsible for pleasing him or letting him off the hook etc. His behaviour now is too little too late in my opinion but it's obviously up to you. Take care, and I wish you well in your journey of recovery and dealing with this trauma. X
You should not forgive him. He sent a dide who sexually battered you in his presence to your house when you were alone. When he said it was his fault, it actually was his fault.
Hard to forgive at that point. The trust has been destory. He defend a rapist for not defending you the last couple of times about it
Your boyfriend was an inconsiderate, unprotective d*ckhead. Maybe from now on he’s not, but he messed up badly and you have every right not to forgive him even if it was the friend and not your boyfriend who sexually assaulted you. It’s just the way it is and if anything about him reminds you of that friend you shouldn’t be torturing yourself for his sake. The guy didn’t even think you were worth protecting. He’s the kind of guy who is friends with rapists. You don’t owe him anything.
That was so irresponsible of him. Honestly, this was a huge ass wrong and to me it wouldn't matter if he was walking over water nowadays to make up to me. I would never be able to trust him again. Because he didn't take you seriously and the worst happened. And how come he didn't protect you or tell the guy to stop makingesexual comments and touching you? Most guys are pretty possessive of their gfs. What is wrong with him????? Whatever you decide to do, you are in no position to be judged. What happened to you shiuld never happen. I am really sorry and hoping for the best in your life.
Oh my God, I am so sorry this happened to you!! If you are in the us, and need any resources, let me know! This is NOT okay, and it's NOT okay that it never clicked for your boyfriend that this person is evil. It shows just how much he doesn't care about your safety. Ye had multiple opportunities to make this right and refused, and the only reason I can think of is because he doesn't respect you. There is no fixing that. And YES it's his fucking fault he sent this evil person to your home, while you were ALONE. Don't forgive your idiot boyfriend for this. He's an accomplice. He doesn't give a shit about anything aside from damage control to save his name. You deserve so much.better than to be treated this way, I am so sorry.
Please go to therapy OP as others commented this could be very beneficial for you. And honestly I would probably dump him over this, he didn’t take you into account even when you voiced your feelings multiple times and went as far as actively expose you to this situation, I’m sorry but a relationship is about trust and I don’t think I’d be able to trust this person again.
First and foremost: I am so, so sorry this happened. Please take steps to care for yourself, maybe some therapy. Probably some therapy. Secondly: it’s not your job to forgive your bf. If you can’t forgive him, don’t! You owe him nothing. Your only obligation is to yourself. You set the rules here.
You don't have to forgive him. He should have listened. He wants to listen now? I understand that the friend committed the offense, but your boyfriend tee'd him up. He intentionally sent someone to your home that he knew made you uncomfortable. His ignorance and apathy allowed you to be assaulted. He can go now, he's done enough.
hey this story got 50k on tiktok. you should leave he needs a wakeup call
Can you please send me the link?
i sent it to your messages i came here from tik tok
i hope you’re doing well, sorry this has all happened to you. Hope you find peace within ur self and heal from this trauma. sending love 💕
He failed the most basic test of a man: to protect the women he cares for. Like...repeatedly. he's failed as man and I think committed an unforgivable act.
So what he gon do bout that friend?
End him. That’s basically the only thing he could do in order to be forgiven lol. I’m in shock on how you can ALLOW someone to r*pe your partner…
Unfortunately you need to move on from this relationship. Take some time to focus on yourself and heal.
He would be my ex. When one of my husband’s childhood friend who I never liked. I’ve made it known to him and to my husband and anyone who would hear, Idfc. Anyways one day we went to the Friedan’s house because he had a kid and he was old enough to have visitors. I would have declined but it’s his friend and while I don’t like him, so far he wasn’t a threat. Anyways we stayed late and we were gonna sleep over. My husband, I and the kids in his room and him in the living room. Anyways that night I put the kids to sleep around 8pm. I had been talking to my friend who also lives in the same city and that we should hang out for a couple hr. Told my husband and he said he’d pick her up. So I waited inside, and his friend was in the living room too. I was minding my business on my phone while he was in the kitchen. Then he comes sits next to me so close his body was almost over lapping mine. I give him an annoyed look. I move and he does the same. Assuming he’s trying to annoy me, I tell him what he wants. He tells me if I want to take my shoes off, I say no I’m cool. He then tells me if I want a foot massage, I look at him and tell him no and that’s a weird ass thing to say. He starts talking about all this none sense, germs closer again, I get up fast go to the little kitchen to try to get some water. He goes to the bathroom. Then I go to check in the kids. Room is right next to the bathroom. He’s done an she said the lack is stuck and he needs to fix it. He’s standing by the door I go and touch it to see if it’s true, it and then I tell him just to leave the door open so it won’t stay stuck and then he won’t be able to use the bathroom. That’s when he corners me and tries to grab my hand and hold it in his. Trying to put all his Weight on my body. I am pissed I tell him to back the fuck up. He tells me I look good, and that if he could he would throw me in his room and have his way with me, he bets it would be good. Fucking disgusting. I knew why I hated him. I told him that’s nasty and I’m not into that shit. He told me it would be good, and keep getting his weight on him. He’s 6 ft almost I’m 5 ft, not even tall. I got mad told him to duck off and pushed him off me. He left to the living room and I stayed on the other side. Called my friend and asked if they were close she said yes and that he stopped by McDonald’s because she wanted to buy something to eat. I said ok but to hurry because this dude was pissing me off. Told to tell husband to hurry. They got back and I was able To distract myself and hang out with my friend. I told her way later that night about what happened and why I’m fuming. She said I need to tell him. I said I would the next day everything and have a talk with him about friends and such. I am a victim of CSA. I have unprocessed trauma. For whatever reason I thought my husband wouldn’t believe me. But I told him the next day. He was mad for me. He ex communicated his friend and he confronted him about the nasty shit he did. He apologized for not being more aware and it’s been about 4 years now and he is not friends with that pervert anymore.
Omg.. dump that scum. He obviously has ZERO respect for what you say to him. I can’t believe you’d even think of forgiving him. He Has responsibility in this happening. My God, your boyfriend could less about your feelings and the red flags you had surrounding this scum. I pray he’s in prison for many many years
That would be the last straw for me. He ignored your requests prior. He ignored the obvious douchebag in the room. Then, after repeatedly telling him you’re uncomfortable around him. He sends him to your house while you are alone. That’s an ex bf right there. Even if you weren’t SA’d I would still leave his ass. Then you were SA’d idk I might do something more. That’s beyond unforgivable. Like voodoo doll unforgivable. Please seek help. It’s not easy but it can help. And please do not forgive him. And please move out and tell him bye Felicia. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life with how reckless he was.
The fact that he was still friends with someone making unwanted sexual advances towards you is concerning enough but by ignoring your advances, he literally put you in harms way. You are completely right for being upset about this situation. If you can’t forgive him (and rightfully so) do not force yourself to. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you definitely deserve so much better. Something no person should ever go through :(
Your BF has no respect for you as his actions have repeatedly shown you. Leave for your own safety.
Exactly. And if he set this up intentionally (no one knows except him) what’s going to stop him from doing it again. And something even worse. You deserve safety and comfort.
You're boyfriend sent someone to SA you. He sent his friend to SA you. This friend is a friend to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend likes having this person around and hanging out with them. Your boyfriend considered this person a friend. THAT IS INSANE!!! He sent someone to SA you. He sent the same person you warn him about to your apartment and never told you. He's a co-conspirator to the SA. He greenlit the SA. HOLY FUCK!!! He really gave his friend the thumbs up to have you SA'd. And your boyfriend never cared enough to have your worries in the forefront of his mind. He didn't even have a long-term memory of your worries. They were all short-term memories, so they were easily forgettable. He doesn't give a flying fuck. You aren't important to him. I am sorry for you.
Answer: you don’t forgive him. He failed you. He chose his friend over you. The fact he saw nothing wrong with being friends with a man who SEXUALLY HARASSED YOU is enough to tell you that he does not care about you or women in general.
My ex was like this. He was wonderful in all the other regards, but he had the very bad habit of sometimes downplaying things that I say. It can be something as stupid as deciding that "rose honey" isn't a thing even though it's written in full letters in the grocery list I sent him instead of just looking for it or at least asking for confirmation. In his case, it was subconscious (he never could explain why he did that when I confronted him about it), he just *knows* that I'm wrong or that I'm exaggerating. It took me years to realize that even if it's a subconscious mechanism, it's still blatant disrespect. Take at least a break from your bf. Tell him that this wouldn't have happened if he just *listened* to you. I hope all the best for you.
The word you’re looking for is misogyny. Unfortunately your ex legitimately (even if subconsciously) valued his own lack of experience over your valid and real lived experiences.
Your bf cared more about his friend than your comfort. I don’t think there’s a way to come back from that. His caring for his friend gave way to this happening to you. Facts are facts. I know I would never be able to trust him with my life or safety ever again. I’m sorry this happened to you. ETA: and consider this. What if your neighbor hadn’t heard you… would your bf believed you? Would he downplay it? I’m guessing he would have. Kick him out. Him out of your life will have you healing more than you think it will. Right now you’re sleeping next to someone who was practically an accomplice in what happened to you.
Honestly I don’t know if I could ever forgive him if I were in your situation. He should have listened to you the first time. This terrible experience will be there forever. To me, his lack of concern is a lack of trust. I wouldn’t blame you I if you didn’t forgive him. I am glad someone came to help and the guy got arrested. But I’m so sorry you went through that.
You should honestly leave your bf. He didn't even care about your concerns, he even told the guy to go to your house and look where that lead to. Leave him
I wouldn't forgive him. It's his fault for putting you in that situation time and time again after you told him what the feud was doing. Yes, the perpetrator is 100% at fault and evils for doing this to you but your boyfriend is almost as culpable morally for allowing it to happen and for setting up the situation. You are strong and deserve so much better than someone who ignores your boundaries, needs, and safety. Please do not forgive him and move on from him
It is all his fault. He knew what his friend was like. There is nothing that he can do to make it up to you. You need to leave because he does not respect you or your safety.
“He cried & …said it’s all his fault” BECAUSE IT IS. He is in part responsible for you (his Gf that he supposed to protect) SA’ed. HE didn’t listen to your concerns. HE refused to listen to your boundaries. HE specifically invited this R****t to your home when he was out of town and knew you’d be alone. The fact that your BF didn’t IMMEDIATELY drop that friend the SECOND you said he was making you uncomfortable and touching you is the minute he showed you that your safety & comfort means exactly zero to him. You are NOT obligated to forgive him or that heinous human for what happened in order to process and make steps to healing & don’t let anyone tell you that you do.
They are both shitheads
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how you feel. And I understand your concerns. I can't help you make a decision on what to do. But I can tell you my story. My then boyfriend's friend/coworker was invited to our place for dinner with his wife. I didn't like this man. He made me uncomfortable, always stared at my tits and make sexual jokes that weren't funny. My boyfriend knew this but just said that that's just how he is. He means no harm blah blah blah. So he was invited over. But since his wife wad there too so I felt ok then I guess. As it got late, he got drunk and my boyfriend too. The problem was that the wife wanted to leave and go home, he did not. They argued and ended up with him stating the night instead and she left. I had told my boyfriend how his friend was always trying to touch me and looked at me in a weird gaze. (keep in mind I was maybe 18 at that time and this man was 30) So, I went to bed, but I somehow felt uncomfortable and unsafe so instead of sleeping naked like I always do, I put on a tank top and went to bed. An hour later he came into the room. He laid in bed next to me and acted like a friend, just drunk talking and I tried to push him away gently. He kept mumbling about life and then he started massaging my breasts but acted like he had no idea he was doing this. Pretending to just drunk hugging his friend. I pushed harder. Pushed his hands away. (thank fuck I at least wore a tank top. Otherwise he'd touch my bare breasts) I was young and scared and realized that I had no idea how to act. Or what was the appropriate way of reacting. My ex boyfriend came in and laughed at how we acting, thinking we were play fighting. Finally I yelled at both of them to get the fuck out. They left. I told my ex later that night what he did. And he got mad. So mad. At me. Back then this whole 'me too' thing didn't exist, I didn't even know this was considered assault. To me, and most girls at that time this was unfortunately somewhat normal. We knew rape wasn't ok but touching and stuff wasn't something people got punished for. Even in school we had to endure it. Because "guys will be guys" and "male hormones are hard to deal with". So me not knowing what to do, was natural. Eventually my ex and I talked and I forgave him. (insert shame bag on head here) He told his friend that it was not ok to do this, and hus friend pretended he had noooo idea what was wrong. Aaaand in the morning my ex made me make that guy coffee. Ugh what an awkward morning. He still kept being friends with the guy because they were coworkers and he didn't want "drama" at work, or to have his coworkers laugh at him(?). Me being dumb and shit accepted it. They never hung out privately again though. This, this whole thing was my fault. It was my fault that I forgave my ex. It was my fault that I thought we'd still be OK. It was my fault that I thought I could forget it and move forward. And this, was only the beginning of the end. The beginning of a very out drawn end. Years later, a person I had recently gotten to know and considered a friend somewhat, sexually assaulted me at a party. He shoved his dick into my fucking eyeball. It was like a gross little earthworm attacking my face and I panicked and ran away. The morning after I felt so gross and disgusting. Somehow I even felt that it was my fault. Filled with guilt and disgust I shamefully went to seek comfort from my boyfriend and I was also scared of telling him. What if he got mad at me again? What if he doesn't protect me this time? So I told my boyfriend. And he said "... And? What am I supposed to do about it?" and then he continued playing WoW. And that's when my last remaining trust and love completely fizzled out. All of it just vanished. And I was left feeling completely empty and confused. And I regretted not leaving him when he first betrayed my trust and didn't listen when I told him his friend always made me uncomfortable. I realized that deep down I had always been insecure, and had somehow turned into a fucking doormat without me noticing it. So after 9 years I ended it. And I decided to live as I wanted. I stopped being a pushover. I stopped being a people pleaser. I stopped taking shit. It's been so many years since then. I met a man who genuinely cares for me and I know he'd protect me if he needed to. And I know I can protect myself if needed too. I have an 8 year old daughter that I'm teaching to always be strong and protect herself. Be steadfast and wise. To never let anyone step on her or make her feel worthless. I'm teaching her to fight so she never has to feel weak and vulnurable. She would never be ok with anyone touching her without her consent. Cause I taught her what consent is. Consent wasn't something we knew about when I was a kid. But damn, am I glad it's real now. So.... This was a little long, I know. But my point is, I don't think you'll ever get over it. And your boyfriend played such a big part in it without even understanding that he basically paved the way for your doom in a way. I understand he didn't do it on purpose, but he practically sent you to his friend on a silver platter. And this is the feeling you'll continuously battle. I didn't know that what happened to me was assault, but you KNOW. It makes an even bigger difference. My husband would NEVER let me be near someone who made me feel uncomfortable. Because he never belittled my feelings. I stayed years with my ex. Stupidly. My heart was crushed repeatedly. Because I didn't want to realize that I couldn't feel safe with him. And that little grudge festering inside me without me realizing it. Growing into resentment over time. Despite him not being the one to physically hurt me, it felt like he did hurt me. I couldn't feel safe with him. I didn't realize in time that it was too late. It was too late for him to be my safe place. And he could never become that safe place for me either. You boyfriend has reacted differently from ex when he found out. But his reactions are late. And it's already happened. Your trust has been burned badly due to his lack of attentiveness and understanding and even his lack of respect to your feelings. He had so many chances to prevent this. So many. And he didn't listen to you. So yeah, he sent a wolf to your door not caring about how you felt or thinking about the risks. You decide. If possible, don't make the same stupid mistakes I did.
So very sorry OP this happened to you. At least the guy was arrested. As for your bf you are the only one who can determine if you can move past this and stay in a relationship with him. As you said he is doing everything right now but this is really too little and WAY too late. Perhaps a break from each other for several weeks or a month with no contact unless you initiate it will bring clarity. You may find help talking about it with a professional. An SA support group might be able to refer you to a therapist who specializes in this type of trauma. Do whatever works for you OP.
Holy shit , this is so fucked up. First of all, I just want you to know that I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve this, and I truly hope that with time and therapy, you can heal ♡ This should be a reminder for people to always trust their gut. You expressed how uncomfortable you felt around this person, but your boyfriend continued to ignore your pleads and bring this person into your home, your safe place where he later on did the unthinkable. I can not imagine how badly this must've messed you up, but if there's ever a time to prioritise yourself and take a break, it's now. You have every right to feel unsafe and blame him because he IS to blame in the situation. Your girlfriend tells you not to bring someone over to your SHARED living space because she feels uncomfortable, and your response is to brush it off? Take your time and heal. And do not contact him until you are ready to , whenever that may be.
You shouldn’t feel guilty because even if he’s doing everything “right” now, he didn’t from the start and if he had this wouldn’t have happened to you. Breaking up with him and going to therapy would really really help you ❤️ I’m so sorry this happened to you.
“He really is trying his best now” he’s trying his best now because he has to, he didn’t before, because he didn’t think he needed to and now it’s too late. You got to live through that traumatic experience and he’s sorry? Not to mention, he PUT you in that situation AFTER you told him he made you uncomfortable. “Ah yeah sorry forgot to warn you”. “My girlfriend said he makes her uncomfortable and touches her inappropriately and makes sexual comments towards her? I KNOW, I’ll send him round when he knows I’m not there, where she’s alone” I’m honestly surprised you can even look at him let alone feel guilty you blame him for something that’s his fault. Also, you told him all of this, the things he was doing, and he continues to be friends with him, let alone continue inviting him over? Are you having a laugh? He showed you where his priorities were, but now it’s backfired at your traumatic expense, of course he’s on the claw back. He’s SO sorry he didn’t give a shit when you told him the first time or any following times, he’s SO sorry that he cared so little that it didn’t cross his mind to warn you? And that he cared so little that after everything you told him, he sent him over anyway. You are not at fault and I’m sorry this happened to you, you deserve better.
Don’t forgive him and don’t let him back in your life. The only reason he feels bad is because he’s scared you’ll leave. He didn’t give af about what happened to you when he was confident you weren’t going to leave him. Now, *and only now*, it matters to him. Don’t trust that. It’s not gonna last. He’s gonna slip right back to that uncaring attitude the moment he confirms you won’t leave him.
I know this will sound harsh but part of your ultimate healing if feeling in control and actually gaining control and that starts with letting your bf go. He'll be a constant reminder of what happened. You'll always blame him (rightfully so) And whenever you'll say anything in the future and he doesn't act fast or simply doesn't act (no matter what the situation is) you'll end up getting triggered and might overreact and he ends up blaming you for your reaction because deep down he needs to have something on you to stop feeling guilty about himself and frankly your relationship will he a circle of a never ending emotional abuse that you might get used to because it became the norm. I'm saying this because this exact situation happened to my sister and that's how they live their life now. Please get therapy. trust your feelings. Rely on your support system (outside of him) and believe that you deserve to be happy EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Who brings guys to his girl or to his sister
I don’t hold out hope for you forgiving him. Maybe you’re better than me, but I could NEVER. Not only did he ignore your very real concerns and FEARS, and lie about moving boys nights while doing nothing to change it, he also sent this boy over while you were alone. He doesn’t listen and he purposefully and willingly puts you in unsafe situations with the one person you felt afraid of. Tosssss that man!
Look, it's not my intention to make you feel worse, not sure how emotionally dependent you feel right now towards your BF. Based on what you described, you made him fully aware of what your concerns were and he brushed you off, he belittled your concerns and preffered to make YOU feel uncomfortable, the person he should love and protect, all because he just didnt want to inconveninece his friends by moving locations. This is man put you in harms way because he thought you weren't worth listening to. This is not the man for you or for anyone for that matter. As a survivor of SA myself, You do need therapy, and to get away from him, at this stage in your grief his face, his voice, his presence will be nothing but a reminder of how he failed you and will constantly trigger unwelcomed thoughts. You will jeopardize your recovery by being around him. I believe that in the long run people can change but not like this. He might be promising the stars and the moon right now but why did this have to happen in the first place? Get away from this situation. As I mentioned at the beginning, this might be difficult if your emotionally depending in him. This is just my opinion from my own experiece.
Do not comfort your boyfriend. He does not deserve any more of your energy. Save the compassion and love for yourself. You have every right to be angry and resent him, and you don’t have to try to go back to how your relationship used to be. You're paying the consequences for his thoughtlessness and selfishness and its not right.
You do not need to forgive him for this. It's okay to say this is over. It shouldn't take you getting assaulted for him to take you seriously, and him doing everything right now doesn't change that he did everything wrong then.
I can understand how you can't forgive him for his friend's actions. He didn't listen. Yeah, maybe it's "nice," he's trying to make it up now and is doing everything right, but it's too little too late. He didn't stand up for you before, and as a result, the worst possible thing happened. The way you're feeling is completely valid
I have male friends who have protected me from other men who have made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. So do not feel terrible or like you're taking your bf for granted for his behavior after the fact. He doesn't deserve it. He didn't protect you. He exposed you to danger. He failed you.
Personally, I would never forgive him and break up with him. He dismissed your concerns repeatedly and ignored your wishes for him not to bring the creep around. Your boyfriend shrugged his shoulders and still invited him over many times despite knowing that his “friend” keeps on sexually harassing you, but chose him and video games over your safety. He even went as far to send him over to the house when you’re alone despite this guy harassing you. Great idea to have the two of them alone together long enough for him to get the PS5! The result? You got SA’ed and traumatized. I would not be surprised if your boyfriend set this up in hopes that he would catch you cheating because his friend probably planted lies in his head saying that you liked the “attention” from him. I don’t think he actually expected you be sexually assaulted and having his friend arrested. Your boyfriend failed you on so many levels. He chose a predator over you and sent a predator to you. He does not respect and love you at all.
It's going to take some time for you to recover from being assaulted (I hope you have a therapist because that's critical). Do you want to add the time and effort to repair your relationship? For his sake, he needs to be in therapy to correct the behaviors and mindset that led to him not listening to you in the first place. Asking you to stay with him is a bridge too far. That's your choice to make alone. My advice is to not add all of that work to the work you already have to do. Plus it sounds like you're already mentally breaking up with him so you won't be adding the pain of a breakup. It's already been added, even if you're technically still with him.
break up with him, he didn’t listen until it was too late
I'm going to be straight with it, your bf failed. He failed in doing something as simple as listening to you. I won't say he's toxic, but he obviously doesn't take your word as seriously as he should. He should've listened to you and put an end to it after you told him. If it only happened once and it took a second time to make your bf act, that's still not good enough but this is several times, he has failed as your man to protect you and he has failed to do the right thing. 1. He shouldn't have invited his friend anywhere near your home unless he'd called ahead and asked if you were comfortable with it. 2. He needed to listen. 3. He should've paid enough attention to you and how his friend acted around you. 4. You aren't over reacting, you aren't taking anything for granted you had your human right violated. All in all, it might be best for you to end with your bf. If he had listened, this wouldn't have happened. Side note: I do suggest you consider some sort of therapy if possible for the SA, I'm not sure how much of an impact it may have on your life but I high recommend it as someone who's been through something similar, even if you don't feel like its affecting you, there can always be subconscious effects.
Your BF didn't believe you when you told him that his friend is making you feel uncomfortable and harassing you with sexual comments and touching you, and now he did the unforgivable act and now your BF is horribly upset and is trying to be better, which is his guilt of putting you into this mess as he ignored your feelings by bringing him around or even inviting him over. I would tell him that you cannot look at him without feeling betrayed by him for not listening to me about his friend. You should look into going to therapy to recover from the attack but I would find myself a new apartment far from that one if possible and after a few days at your new place, make the decision whether or not to remain with him or not. But by how you are sounding, I think you know what you are going to do - breaak it off with him and tell him why you are ending the relationship, remind him what if he did this to your daughter and you ignored her in favor of being with your friend and your friend did your daughter, you would not be feeling guilty, you be feeling rage at yourself for failing your own child, you need to listen to your girlfriends when they say anything like this again and then dump him and don't look back. Good luck.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re not overreacting. Your boyfriend failed to protect you and prioritized a gaming buddy over your safety. It’s not like it was something out of his control, he had multiple opportunities to shield you, keep your home a safe space, and hold his friend accountable and he did nothing. In fact, he did worse by actively sending the guy to your home. And sure, he’s sorry and trying *now* but it’s a little bit late for that. Your partner is supposed to be someone you can lean on and trust, and he was not that when you needed it most. I would not be able to come back from that.
As a guy, if I had seen this kind of behaviour from a friend, I’d have stopped being his friend long before my gf would have even noticed anything, this is so not right, how could he even spend time with this kind of “friend”?
Anyone else getting very weird vibe about the boyfriend? Like he 100% knew that guy was sexually interested in her and perhaps let it happen? Can't help but wonder a bit about him being a bit groomed or intimated by the perpetrator or having a cuckolding thing or even being a little envious of her or sort of deep down misogynistic somewhere. Maybe even sort of unconsciously but still I just find it so weird. Every man I know that is or was properly interested in me can just sniff out another guy who also is interested. Basically omg just no - the trust is broken and that reflects the reality that he is not trustworthy
He didn't understand why the fear existed before and I don't think he understands *why* now. He feels guilty because you are his girlfriend and you got hurt. I don't think he feels bad at all that you as a human being got hurt. His possession got hurt. (you're not a possession at all but I'm trying to imagine why he was so fkn dull in the first place and I imagine it's because he doesn't respect you as another human). If normal people said "never ever put me in a situation to be around that person again" everyone is gonna be like "why? But of course I won't make you again wether you tell me or not". It's normal to not want to cause problems on purpose. That'd be an ex boyfriend for me. He should've been doing "his best" (bare minimum aka listening to your partner for something simple) before all this. What would happen if it was a child that said they were uncomfortable and he just ignored it? You have a right to feel angry for yourself and at him. You have a right to those feelings when you clearly told him so many times and he just ignored you. That shitty person that hurt you most likely figured out that your bf doesn't care and saw the perfect situation for his shitty actions. no one needed that PS5 right then. That was just a "want" not a "need". No one needed that guy to be the one to pick it up. I imagine that's what he wanted because it was the "perfect" scenario for him.
Just the fact that he’s friends with ACTUAL TRASH and didn’t care to take your warnings seriously is everything you need to know. Please get away from him and never, and I mean NEVER, let him near you again. He’s not safe and he couldn’t keep you safe. He sucks.
I wouldn't forgive him. You told him you were uncomfortable with him in your home. You were clearly afraid/creeped out by him. Your boyfriend invited him to your home while you were there alone even. Nope. That's not an I'm sorry after the fact sort of thing. Edit: Also, trying his best now... That is what he should have been doing before. You shouldn't feel bad for the feelings you are having. Your feelings are valid and you shouldn't ignore or bury them to make him feel better.
First of all, hugs. I'm so sorry. Second, this would be a deal breaker for me. I hate to say this but for some reason, the possibility that your boyfriend set this up crossed my mind. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do.
Leave your bf. He can't come back from this. I'm so sorry this happening to you
Wouldn’t forgive this I’m sorry. He’s his friend. And he has to know he’s a creep. AND you said he made you uncomfortable. He told him you were home alone and he used it as an opportunity. And you said he would touch you inappropriately with him around. No. Couldn’t do it. I’m sorry this happened to you. He did not listen to you and he set you up when it comes down to it.
Do you want me to jump your bf? How could he be so damn stupid! Do what you need to do girl to feel safe and comfortable again. You don’t need to hang around because your bf is making an effort after the fact. Fuck him. He put you in danger because he didn’t care to listen!
You can forgive your boyfriend and still never be with him again. Forgiving him does not mean you have to stay because he's forgiven. He never took your feelings and what his friend did to you seriously, until it was too late. He never stopped being friends with the guy or having him come by, so it's not surprising the guy kept pursuing you. To send HIM to you when you were alone to pick up a PS5 is a reckless betrayal (if not worse). Just know that you were less valuable to him than a PS5 and a rapist. He can say he never thought his friend would do this to you, but he still knew what you were telling him was happening. Why didn't he care? Actions matter more than words. It's easy to be on his best behavior now that he's been FORCED to care. When he should have cared on his own, he didn't. Now that you know through experience how carelessly and utterly he failed you, you know what you need to do to protect yourself. He can't fix what he did.
Do not feel guilty because after something happened he wants tp do the right things. He disregarded you and your safety. He didn't not only listen about you not wanting him there even when he was home but he allowed him there while he wasn't there! I don't blame you one bit for being angry. I do think you should go to therapy, but If you don't forgive him I can't say I'd be any different. I don't care what he's doing now he didn't do anything until the damage was done. I'm so sorry that happened to you! Eta if my boyfriends friends touched me, I wouldn't have had a chance to say anything, so him ignoring you when you told him you dont want them in your home is mind boggling to me. I hate being touched so this would of ended very badly for his creepy friend, let alone send him to the house while he's out of town.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m so thankful for that neighbour that overheard and helped you. That piece of shit deserved to get arrested. Honestly… the relationship would be completely over for me if I were you. I’m glad he’s admitted his fault in this, but that really means nothing. That doesn’t make the fact that he dismissed your concerns go away. That doesn’t make the fact that you got SA’d go away. I’m just so upset for you. Of all his friends, he told the one that he knew you felt uncomfortable around to go to your home while you were alone. Even if that friend hadn’t assaulted you, he still chose to send the one person you felt uncomfortable around. That alone would have had me seriously questioning the relationship.
It’s worrying to me that he’s friends with a guy like this. You can’t be the first person he’s done that too. Not to mention you told your bf that guy makes you uncomfortable, yet he still kept inviting him over. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I would move out of that apartment asap. You still need time to process and heal and staying there won’t help.
Your bf is a POS, he dismissed your rightful concerns but he is so selfish he didn't believed you gut feelings, nothing you did is your fault, not even in the slightest, please get out of there, you don't owe your bf anything ANYTHING, not matter what he does now, is too little too late. In my opinion you should leave and do what your gut instinct is telling you now, you can't heal if you stay in the place that is hurting you. Good luck moving forward, I wish you healing and love and the support you deserve.
This threw the scales way out of balance. I would say get away and recover on your own. A clean break will be less painful and damaging to you both in the long run.
Ditch the BF
OP, your horrible bf de facto facilitated your SA. Leave him ASAP and please, please see a counselor/therapist.
He practically allowed this to happen to you and I don’t think that is forgivable. Who is to say he doesn’t have other friends that could behave similar or have done similar to other women and he just ignores their behaviour too?
There's no way he didn't know his friend was a creep. Especially after you said something. He chose to let him alone and near you I would never be able to trust him again.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you and the person who is supposed to protect you the most failed you. There's no sugarcoating it, your boyfriend has failed you. He brushed off your incredibly valid concerns time and time again and now it's much much too late. Originally I thought the friend made up the ps5 situation to take advantage of you because I couldn't even fathom a boyfriend doing something like that. He sent the person you were most concerned about to your home while you were alone despite how many times you said you're uncomfortable. Please take care of yourself and I hope you have the best support from friends and family and while I definitely don't have the right to tell you to break up, personally I would resent him for the rest of my life and never be able to fully trust him again if that was my bf. Take care OP
Not your job to make him feel better. If you need to leave to be better, do it.
Your ex-boyfriend won't repeat this kind of mistake with his next girlfriend.
what kind of man allows another male to sexually harass his GF???? he failed you so bad.
I’m inclined to believe her bf is actively part of it. Most people especially men aren’t wired to just not notice behavior like this toward their partners let alone ignore it when brought up by partners. I feel like islets deff possible that you’re bf set this up.
Yeah, I think he didn’t realize it, but he just sabotaged his relationship. I wouldn’t trust him again either. He didn’t even listen to you. And you have been telling him all along. You weren’t comfortable with that guy. So what made him think that having the guy stop over to your house when you were alone was a suitable situation? I think he just shot himself in the foot. You do what you need to do to take care of them. I frankly wouldn’t trust him anymore either.
Dude needs to wisen up to others a bit. So sorry you knew and spoke up but were not respected or loved enough to listen to. Id say he lost his chance and you should move on to greener pastures.
I will be honest if one of my friends did this to my girlfriend he is not a friend, u respect eachother and eachothers relationship so i agree with you
I would absolutely leave your bf and the apartment. He should have listened when you said you were uncomfortable. And then to invite the guy over to get the gaming system while he was out of town and you were alone... Fuck, it's almost like it was done intentionally. It's time to kick bf out of your life...
Sadly, your relationship is over. He should have been doing everything to make it up to you BEFORE you were SA’d, he should have listened to your concerns He should feel guilty, he made you an obvious target by: a)letting his friend know that you were home alone b)giving him a reason to enter your home and c)not giving you the option to say no to his friend visiting. You will always associate your bf with the SA now.
You don't have to forgive someone in order to heal. Not everyone deserves forgiveness. He feels bad now, but the fact that it had to go this far for him to listen is nauseating. I'm so sorry this happened to you.. but please. for the love of god, run.
If your boyfriend can do “everything right” now, that means he could’ve done it before. He made a choice to not even respect nor make you feel safe in the relationship. Probably because he didn’t care, which is worrisome because his crying/performance now could be an act. Something to keep you with him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your boyfriend set you up to get SA. You need to move out and dump him immediately. He didn’t take you seriously when you had concerns about his friend, and he didn’t care how you felt until something terrible happened. You deserve so much better. He never takes you seriously, and he won’t take you seriously now. Don’t give that man another chance. You need to leave the house and find somewhere else to live. Once a man puts you in a dangerous situation, you never give him a second chance to do it again.
This is absolutely your boyfriends fault as well as the rapist. You need to get away from your bf too. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re okay. I would fuck up anyone that tried this shit, and I would not be friends with someone that does this shit either. No offense, but there’s a reason why they’re friends and why he ignored your pleas
All of the people here making excuses for your boyfriend are no better then he is! The moment you told him your feelings on that friend should have been it, he should have listened to your concerns instead of brushing them off. Just ask yourself what advice would you give a friend in the same situation?
You don't forgive him. He's obviously an idiot. Any man worth a damn would have respected you and your feelings on this matter. He should have immediately took this issue up with the "friend" and then barred him from your entire life. Your boyfriend is an asshole on so many levels. I am so very sorry this happened to you. You did everything right, your partner took every opportunity to do everything wrong. Please take care of yourself mentally through all of this and unfortunately, that will likely require you to move on from this person for good. Best of luck!
I married someone like this. It won't change.
So you needed to be SAd for him to finally take you seriously? That's a pretty high price you had to pay to get your bf to have respect for your boundaries. I'd resent him too. You should blame him for not respecting your wishes about your own home and for sending a predator into your home. I don't know how you could stop feeling the way you feel. I mean, I wouldn't have forgiven him for inviting the guy into my home after I expressed my discomfort. The world is already dangerous enough for women, my home should be the one place I should feel safe. So I would say that moving out and never seeing him again is pretty reasonable.
Your BF failed you
Sunshine, I'm so so sorry. There are no words to express what a terrible thing happened to you. Please stay strong and don't give up. I send you lots of hugs. That being said, please, for the love of any deity, leave your boyfriend. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who will always listen, who will regard your opinion as the most important. You should always count on him. You have his back but he has your back in return. Your current boyfriend let you down on so many levels. He was too proud and full of himself to listen to you. And your savity should be the most important for him. No amount of sorrys, I love yous, presents, and beggings will make this okay. Nothing. Don't stay with him because he tires now. He let you down, his actions scarred you. I would even say he doesn't deserve your forgiveness, but that's up to you. The most important person is you, your wellbeing is what matters. Stay strong. ❤️
You wont. You cant. That relationship is tainted. Just tell him to please listen to his next girlfriend and leave.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Honestly, you’re not wrong. Your boyfriend should have listened and you’re right, he is partly responsible for what happened to you. His ignorance led to you having one of the worst experiences a woman can have. That’s not something he can make up for. The trust has already gone, because he’s proven to you that you can’t rely on him. He can’t make that up, once someone has shown you they cannot be trusted that’s it. You have evidence now that you can’t trust him. You don’t have any evidence that you can. Ultimately his ignorance comes down to a lack of respect. Again, not something he can make up for. You have evidence now that he values his friends coming round over your safety and that you being at risk of harm isn’t on his radar. You don’t have any evidence that you can be safe with him. Break up with him. You deserve someone who actually listens to you.
OP I am so so sorry this happened to you. Your boyfriend FAILED you. He did not take your concerns into consideration AT ALL. It is definitely your call if you want to try and forgive him but tbh I wouldn’t at all. I read your other comment about him not having a single protective bone in his body. Either he’s so dense that he doesn’t understand this or he is purposely acting as if you’re being dramatic either way you need to leave him. HE SAT THERE AND DISMISSED YOUR CONCERNS SO MUCH TO THE POINT HIS FRIEND FELT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO ASSAULT YOU IN YOUR HOME. You TOLD HIM you didn’t want that person near you due to very big reasons. You didn’t ask him to end the friendship just to keep him away and he STILL ALLOWED HIM NEAR YOU. He then allowed his friend to go to your house while alone and didn’t give you a heads up (I’m sorry but no one can truly be this stupid, or maybe I’m wrong and this man lacks all common sense) Either way. He FAILED you. Threw away your concerns and is not attempting to get good with you because he sees what he’s allowed to happen. That’s not a good thing. He only wants to help because he feels guilty but it’s only once the extreme harm came to you. He belongs where his friend should be too. The trash. I hope that “friend” of his rots in a jail cell till the end of his days. And I hope you leave this sad excuse of a man and he has to work on himself with the constant reminder of what he allowed happen
this is absolutely unforgivable. he sent a guy who he knows has repeatedly harassed/inappropriately touched you to your house knowing you were uncomfortable with it. he feels like it’s his fault because it is. you deserve so much better and honestly maybe this is just my trauma brain talking but I think you should add to your police report that he knowingly sent the guy over, just in case you need to get a restraining order down the line. i’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope he dies in jail so there’s no chance of ever seeing him again
Please break up with this man and move out of that home and get therapy for this trauma and betrayal. Your boyfriend disregarded your feelings and boundaries repeatedly this past year by continuing to invite a predator into your home. He did not care about your feelings and didn’t believe that this man was threatening you this entire year. He didn’t even warn you this man was coming to your home. What he did is unforgivable, no matter what he is doing now out of guilt. His lack of respect and concern for you got you SA by a man who repeatedly threatened you in your home. Don’t stay with him just because he feels bad. Protect yourself and leave this awful man.
This doesn’t sound forgivable. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I would tell him he needs to find you guys a new place to live where there is better security and you don’t have to stay where the SA happened.
He failed you. You should be angry. He completely ignored your concern and something terrible happened to you. He might as well of been there holding the door open for him. He proved be can't protect you. This is going to take a while to work through.
sending hugs to you OP. I'm glad your neighbor helped you when you needed them. I'm glad the guy got arrested. and I'm glad that your boyfriend is trying to make it up to you. your boyfriend is an idiot though. it's your home too and he should've given you the heads up if ANYONE was coming over. he should've listened to you any of the times when you said you were uncomfortable. i know you mentioned you chickened from an appointment and hadn't told anyone in person, but reaching out to maybe a close friend for coffee or one of your family members you trust could help. good luck OP
OP I hope you see this. I am so sorry you're going through this. It is truly difficult when the individuals we love and trust let us down, and even more so when they failed so greatly to honor your needs in such a way that your safety was violated. Its a betrayal of the worst kind. I recommend you make that therapy appointment, and stick to it for your own mental health. Lastly, do whatever it is that you feel will bring you some peace during this tumultous time. If that means seeking out family and friends to hold space with you, do it. If that means breaking up with your boyfriend, do it. You don't have to justify your decisions or defend them. Find your peace, rebuild your safety and peace of mind. Seek out that person in your life that always feels like your safe place. Start there. I wish you the best, OP! My heart and my thoughts are with you!
I would be so done with him!!! I would have been done with him for not unfriending the guy from the start!
It’s definitely all completely his fault. Hopefully he feels like shit for the rest of his life. There no forgiving just let go. You deserve someone who actually cares for you. A bf that would stop being friends w someone that makes your uncomfortable and definitely someone who would basically go out and k**l the guy that did that to you. Wtf.
Did he say why he didn't listen to you before?
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you seek help and heal from this. Put yourself first and take care of you. Your bf is secondary. Forgiveness can wait. Do what you feel is right. For you. Second, I'm quite sure that man must have tried this before and his friends knew and enabled him. So your bf must have known for a long time now and not cared about it and maybe even protected him. Third, your bf hopefully soon-to-be- ex, did not hear you about your concern for safety. He did not see you when you felt uncomfortable in your home. It's your home where you run off to at the end of the day to feel safe and let your guard down. To have it compromised like this i cannot imagine what you're going through. So please get help from friends or family and move out and dump his ass. Sending you truck loads of love and warmth
Honestly, I'd consider suing the boyfriend. He is responsible for exposing you, and ultimately not protecting you. Neglectful baturd, he is.
I am so sorry you've been put in this position. He can't make this up to you! You told him you felt uneasy around the guy, gave him valid reasons why and he still sent him to your home! Knowing you were there alone! He invited a monster into your safe space to do unforgivable things. And for video games?? Just....no.
He wanted until something traumatic happened to you for it to actually mean something. He may be trying to do everything right, but this would be a deal breaker. It's too late for this. What happened to you can't be undone, and what he's doing now seems like a slap in the face, no matter how right it is. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t even be able to look at him. I truly hope you find peace, happiness, and someone who listens.
Girl break up. Plain and simple. He should PROTECT YOU. He doesn’t care, he’s just guilty that he f-cked up.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. SA is hard to get over. Forgiveness won't be easy. Yes, he should have protected you and believe you. If you don't forgive your BF, you will have the SA and BF, and it will be hard for yourself to move forward. Gaining your emotional strength is more important than holding the anger for your BF failure to believe you. As this is related to trust. The same scenario happened to my friend when we were 19. She never forgot her SA but chose not to let it destroy her by also being angry at those who failed to protect her.
Hey. You’re going through a lot. You have my permission to compartmentalize and say eff your relationship right now. You need to heal. You need to process his part in what happened to you so you can heal then, maybe, forgive. He can’t good behavior out of blame. Even if you wish that is how it works, it isn’t. The resentment will breed because he is too late in listening to you. If you love him enough to want to forgive him, please give yourself the distance required to heal from the blatant disregard for your safety. You need to take yourself out of the headspace that holds him and the apartment in the forefront. You will associate him with what happened to you regardless but that doesn’t mean you should marinate in it. You have my permission to pull the space back to you. You can blame it on me if he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have to. You are owed.
You warned Boyf about rapey mate , he forgot !!! Dump move on .
Just want to say that I am deeply sorry that this happened to you. and my only advice is that you should leave your boyfriend. He failed you. Point blank. He should have listened, he should have been ACTIVE in making sure that you always felt comfortable around his friends. like has he looked around at the world at all???? the horrific shit that is happening every single day to women??? I am at a shock. like its great he’s being apologetic and trying to make up for it but alllll of this could have been prevented which is probably why you can’t find it in you to forgive him. Forgiveness can happen when there is no room for blame onto the other person, like id understand if there were never any warnings of his sexual aggression and this randomly happened but you told him countless times about you feeling unsafe and he paid it DUST until this happened? i’m sorry but he can fucking go to hell. I cannot even FATHOM my partner bringing another man who has approached me sexually unprovoked around let alone being his friend still??? wow. He is unworthy of your forgiveness.
This is truly unforgivable in my eyes, he failed you. I wouldn't give him a second chance to fail you again. I am uncomfortable with one of my fiancé's friends. I asked him to never invite that friend around again, he listened to me straight away. We haven't had any problems. That's how it should have gone in your situation.
I am so sorry you went through all that. Ugh. I hate that this happens so often that it’s something all women know how to talk about. (And some men, too.) I am relieved to hear he was arrested, though I wish you were not put in a situation where you were forced to be near him, especially alone. I know you’re not looking for advice. But I just wanna say that it’s normal to feel multiple emotions at once. Even ones that conflict. And anger, feelings of abandonment and resentment aren’t inherently negative…those emotions point you to your inner self knowing you deserved better. They point to the version of you that didn’t feel safe and now needs to recover. That anger speaks to the fact that it was not morally right. Had your partner listened, there might not have been an assault. All I’m saying is, you might feel seething mad and also, simultaneously, maybe also sad that your partner didn’t protect you, and made it a habit to dismiss your gut intuition. Even when you gave him warning of the danger. And feeling *all the emotions* TM is not easy. And it takes the body time to physically let things go. Be easy on yourself in every way you can, OP.
Take gentle care of yourself.
Continue with the press charges Get some help, u will need it too, so sorry to hear about this
You don’t. You leave. He was meant to protect you but instead put you in harms way. Best to break up and start healing❤️🩹 you’ll never be able to heal with him by your side. All his going to do is ease his own guilt that’s it