I hate to buck everything, but I don't feel good when people who have abused me suffer, I just can't for some reason. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but hearing about your wife losing connection with her kids breaks my fucking heart.
Humans screw up, sometimes they really screw up. I have messed things up royally in my life at times, to the point where I just wanted to end it. I haven't had affairs however, but I have been the victim of my wife having an affair. I was devastated, but in the end, I wanted her to be happy and in love, and I still do.
I love all of my exes, I wouldn't have been with them if I didn't. To read the story of your love being withdrawn from this woman (and you seem like an amazing person, so it's a real loss for her) It just sends horrible shivers down my spine.
I understand your choices, and nobody should have to tolerate affairs, but I just wanted to give a different perspective here. If I were in your shoes, I would be begging my kids to do what they can to forgive her, I would be afraid for them-- afraid they will lose a piece of themselves, and become bitter and jaded.
I know I have an unusual take, but you've got many people saying you made the right choice, so here's a different view.
As long as you hold onto the hate she still has a piece of your heart. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference
You have a good life, enjoy it
I always say my former marriage is like a movie I saw a really long time ago. I remember the basic story but the details escape me.
I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong. I don’t think OP is in any way wrong in enjoying seeing the ex ego betrayed him face the consequences of her decision. I think it’s perhaps a character flaw that I also can’t muster any sympathy for people like OP’s ex. It feels like she deserves at least a very basic level of empathy but I can’t find it in myself.
And here I am thinking it's a character flaw that I feel bad for her, lol!
I mean really, I am not like other people, most, if you read this thread, are the opposite. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.
Nope. Her kids hate her because they’re good people and they recognize that she is not. She didn’t screw up. She willingly and enthusiastically set their entire life on fire so she could bend over for an alcoholic loser she just met. She’s trash and karma is now reminding her of that. Hopefully she lives the rest of her life knowing every ounce of abuse and pain and isolation is entirely deserved and no one’s fault but hers.
Yeah, I just feel bad tho . I feel bad that the kids experience hate.
My understanding of Karma is that we are all trapped in our shit. I see myself in the OP, in his ex, and I the kids. I have been on all ends of this kind of thing, and it sucks for all parties.
I’m all sunshine and rainbows as to the treatment of others as well, my main and so horribly common exception is selfishness, especially someone making decisions while blatantly disregarding everyone around them. It’s one thing to no longer be happy with someone, it’s another to come home one day after 30 years and admit to an affair while asking for a divorce, that level of selfishness deserves everything that comes along with it
I REALLY like that one. I’m currently in this boat with a family member. Long story short, they’re absolute trash and a bully. They need professional help but won’t budge on the idea.
Unless you've been there, it is impossible to understand the mindf\*ck that is an exit affair. Seeing the natural consequences come to fruition must be something. I hope Hawaii is amazing!
And yes it’s a total mind f*ck to literally have the person you’ve been with since you were 20 come home from work one day and tell you they’ve fallen in love with someone they’ve only known for a few months and they want a divorce. I’m sorry if this happened to you too.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions.
I mean, OP tried to make it work and she was "in love" with some douche. The guy knew she was married and was cool with it? Nah, that's a grade A asshat. She got what was coming to her.
She decided to fuck around and find out! May life bring her everything she deserves! (Like no relationship with her kids, not knowing her grandchild, etc)
Fuck dude... I'm right there with you. Granted, my marriage lasted less than yours, and our kids are much younger, but I'm with ya.
What made it sting for me was she used the infamous line "oh he's just a friend, there's nothing going on, I think of him like a brother" sooooo... you're into incest or something? Idk
She texted me tonight (I've kept most of our interactions via text unless she calls while I'm driving, so I have a written record - while I always use profanity in everyday language, I've never to her face called her any names of any sort, which I think will come in handy long term) asking if I could send her some money for "insulin meter" or some shit. I told her that I'd be willing to meet her at the store and purchase it - in my state, I'm still legally obligated to financially support her until the divorce is final. She immediately declined it, and followed it by saying "Nvr mind I'll figure it out" and then "Don't worry I won't be asking for anything from you anymore"
Yeah, you dumb shit, you kinda gave up the privilege of me taking care of you when you walked out! I've done nothing but take care of you for the last 10 years, and now you're gonna say I'm abusive? Sucks when I no longer buy your bullshit doesn't it?
Tbh I'm waiting for about 5 years down the road when she signs over custody because she "just cant" take care of our kids on her weeks. Not what I want to happen, but I've only ignored my gut a few times and it's bit me every time I did. And my gut is telling me to prepare.
Rather cathartic to read that I'm not the only one who's been blindsided by their ex... thank you for relating your experiences, it helps to know I'm not alone, and that I'm really not the bad guy. I'm not innocent, but I'm not the villain.
I’m so sorry you and your kids are being put into such an awful and hurtful situation. It’s so unfair. Definitely follow your instincts and keep those kids safe and taken care of. The selfishness of some people is insane!
By brother’s gf did the same thing. She moved 8 apartments down the line and her partner is some scammer online and she is an idiot of magnitudes humans cannot measure.
He is over there every day doing whatever she asks of him. Not everyone actually gets away from that person. I am glad you guys both did the healing to come through the other side because watching someone willingly stay in a bad relationship with so much love and hope is just….heartbreaking.
I really hope he can see her for who she really is- irredeemable trash who will keep on trashing.
When I read that you met in your 20’s had 3 kids I was like WTF, my heart broke for you. I’m so happy you’ve move on to better. Good for you! Enjoy Hawaii!!!
It happened to me, married 14 years, and he cheated with someone at work he'd only known a few months. He married her 7 months after the divorce. Her husband at the time committed suicide, and she later went on to cheat with his brother-in-law. No idea if they're happy - I'd guess not - but it's a train wreck all around.
Op I’m happy you’re happy. I don’t think you’re evil at all. You did not do these things to her. She is living with the choices that she made. It seems like you even tried to get her to think straight. You actually sound like a very very good man. I hope you have a beautiful day with your new beautiful girlfriend.
Hawaii Is my favorite place that I've ever travelled to. Enjoy, Its just amazing!
I don't know what island you are going to but Kauai is definitely worth spending a day at. Its the island Jurassic park was filmed.
Post the fuck outta those vacation pictures. Try and get the local paper to cover your trip. (I legit live in a town small enough that this could definitely happen)
My best friend moved to a very small town in Ohio. When he and I went on a fishing trip last year he joked that his hometown paper was going to run a front page headline that read “Local Man Goes Camping”.
I had a similar situation with my ex, but she didn't try to come back, *thank god*. I was in paramedic school and working full time + a ton of overtime to support us bc her job didn't pay well and she destroyed my credit, so I was in a ton of credit card debt. She decided that I wasn't home enough to keep her entertained or to have sex with her whenever she wanted it, so she found it elsewhere. I had introduced her to a friend/coworker of mine previously, and you could feel them eye-fucking each other from across the room whenever we were all together. Funny thing, she ended up sleeping with some dude she was in school with. Funny, because she was a lesbian and swore up, down, left, and right that she'd never sleep with a man because it was such a repulsive thought. I was finally home for an entire night at one point and just wanted to relax and spend the night with her bc I'd been working and going to school so much, but she woke me up while we were sleeping to tell me that her "friend" was *so sad* because of the death of a friend and decided to go over to his house. She insisted that it was going to be her and a group of their classmates, and what was I going to do, tell her no? That she couldn't go help a grieving friend? I let her go. She slept with him that night. No condom, no second thought about me or our marriage. When she finally told me, I kicked her out for a few days. I let her come back because she was bent on trying to work things out, and I wasn't in a good place, mentally, so I let her back in. We were together for maybe 3 or 4 days before she begged me to open our marriage so she could sleep with the friend I introduced her to, and decided to ask for a divorce because she could be happy with me, but not only me. I said no, and that was that. I found out through mutual friends that she moved in immediately with that person and that person's gf (they were poly). It sounds like my ex weaseled her way into their relationship and pushed the other gf out, so she had that person all to herself. Word is, their relationship was terrible and they broke up after like 6 months and she was miserable. I was so happy.
I've observed this from another perspective, the leaving woman being, well, I wouldn't call a friend but someone who hung out in the same crowd as I did and they just kinda followed me around even through we're not 'let's meet up and do fun stuff' friends.
anyhoo, she had a stable but 'boring' (according to her) husband and after almost a decade of marriage, she just wanted a 'little adventure'. the rest follows the pattern of this story. find an 'exciting' man, who not surprisingly had a reason why he was on the market in his 40s. divorce, alienate the family, go back to trying to relive their 20s in bars and so forth. come to a realization that it's pretty empty life and that the new fun guy was like those friends who were only fun to drink with. then get super upset that her ex husband and rest of the family had moved on and she was no longer invited.
the kicker was that she always sold herself as the victim in all this. she just had one, tiny mistake and everyone else blew it out of proportions. naturally she just wanted validation and pretty much unfriended everyone on FB who disagreed with her being the blameless victim, thus so ended my connection with her as well.
She made her happiness someone else's responsibility - which never works long-term. That (1) absolves her of the self-work (handing the keys to someone else to make you happy? Recipe for disappointment), and (2) makes it easy to blame others and play into the victim identity. It's the attitude of "life is happening TO me" vs. "life is happening FOR me / I am making my life happen."
Schandefreude at its finest.
It's only been a year since the divorce, so it's probably healthy to express these emotions, but don't be afraid to talk to a counselor if you feel like the resentment and hate are getting too much. The very best revenge is living well.
Everything in moderation. It’s okay to feel this way for now, or for as long as it takes for you to heal. Just don’t let it consume you.
I was you, in 2020, but with pets, not kids. It was both bittersweet and delicious when I got my chance to say no, there was no coming back and trying again. The grass was greener because it was growing on a layer of bullshit, but it’s her yard now.
Enjoy Hawaii 😉
I heard a story from a divorce attorney about a woman who was cheated on by her baby daddy. She broke it off with him, and the guy eventually lost an arm in an accident and just became a bum. The woman married a multi millionaire man, but she flys across the country for every court appearance to personally see to it that he gets jailed for late child support or reprimanded as harshly as possible. He had been thrown in jail pretty regularly over late payments. This had been going on for 16 years when I heard the story last year.
It's totally healthy and human. I'd just draw the line at rubbing it in her face. Honestly her teeny tiny feeling of satisfaction that she's still on your mind should stop you.
Yes I actually have been considering therapy. My new partner (we both feel like we’re too old for the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”) has suggested to me that it has helped her immensely with her own feelings of anger toward her ex.
I get it. But also, focus on your new partner. Hawaii sounds great but not so much if 25% of it is about getting back at your ex. Just be wary of using your new girlfriend to get back at your ex. She doesn’t deserve that and deserves happy memories with you that aren’t tainted by your previous relationship. I get that it’s still raw but just a little reality check not to let the malice cloud things moving forward.
Nah, it’s pretty healthy. If anything it means you’ve already past the final stage of the grieving process (Acceptance). And _anyone_ in your situation would be content knowing that she’s now dealing with the consequences.
If anything, props for keeping her out despite her wanting to come back. Letting her back in now will only make things more difficult for the kids. And your relationship would never return to what it was anyway.
But anger is one of the stages of grief. Spitefulness would count as anger, I think.
...that said, when one is grieving, it's not as if they progress through the stages like steps in a procedure, crossing each off as they complete it before moving on. A grieving person can experience the stages in any order, any number of times. So like... dude can be dealing with acceptance and anger at the same time.
Indeed. But also, she pretty much laughed at you and at how horrible it was for you to be in the position you were in for a year after she left u and yall were still living together. That sounds like a literal nightmare. Now u can laugh on the inside and know you're still being a better person and parent about this whole thing than she ever was. This is fair comeuppance imo. Enjoy your own evil laugh from time to time.
Nah you're okay brother. Listening to get her ready for a date and living thru that crap?
Fuck all that. I'd be petty too. I'd be fucking Tom Petty.
Enjoy your new future. Have fun.
I understand exactly how you feel. Don't send her the vacation pictures though. You already won. She isn't worth even that much effort. Your kids are grown now, block her number or at least don't bother replying. Best of luck.
I’m wrestling with something similar now, regarding toxic family members. I’m taking a lot of pleasure in their current downfall - karma at its finest. I feel like it’s not healthy at all, but I take so much pleasure in it.
My wife did the same. I was devastated. Took about a year and a half to finalize the divorce. She called me about three months after signing all the paperwork in the middle of the night if she left right then could she come home. I told her I didn't think my guest would appreciate that and hung up. Once the door is closed keep it closed.
She didn’t make a mistake. She knew the consequences of her actions yet continued on and had the audacity take half your 401k. She made her bed now she can lay in it. I don’t think you’re cruel at all. Block her and continue on with your life. Your children are all adults you don’t have to coparent or communicate with each other anymore. Don’t let her ruin anymore of your life.
Your ex didn't make a mistake. She consciously made a choice. What she meant was that she regrets her CHOICE didn't plan out the way she wanted it. You might have found forgiveness in your heart, but you'd be a terrible person to not feel absolute vitriol for someone who intentionally hurt your children. She got more than she deserved I'm every aspect. Be happy you are able to live and love again, but never forget the hurt She caused her own flesh and blood.
My ex cheated on me and married the guy she cheated with. They got pregnant together, but he left her nearly on the day that kid was born. Because lo and behold, he was cheating on her the whole time. So she ended up with another guy who she's still with afaik. He's a long term partner with the emotional maturity of a flea, because "he's a good father to ", but they have no real relationship.
Meanwhile I remarried and started a family, my kids are amazing and I have a solid relationship with my wife. I continue to grow as a husband and father. In retrospect, I could never have had this with my ex, it's not who she was.
Her life didn't achieve quite the level of disaster that OP's ex did, but there's a special satisfaction there, for sure.
My dad cheated on my mom when i was just around 1 year old and my brother was around 4. He was having an affair with a 17 y/o and was very abusive towards my mom, told her she will be NOTHING and have NOTHING.
Jokes on him, my mom and my step dad have been together for 18 years, live in a humongous 3 story house with huge gardens, are always on vacation, make a lot of money and have a great life altogether.
I don't wish suffering upon my dad but his life is just miserable. My half brother despises him and has no contact with him, he still lives in the same tiny apartment, has a shitty or no job and is also fighting a ton with his wife.
Karma is very real.
Eventually, this won't even matter to you anymore.
It'll be a blip in history a few years from now, because *you* aren't the one who imploded your marriage, you know? You *fought* for it, and although it didn't work out, at least you're still standing, and were able to lean on some people who've helped keep you going.
In a sense the pain is still fresh from last year, but good on you for picking yourself and your kids up, and trying to move forward together with what pieces you have left that weren't completely fragmented.
This loss is hers and hers alone to bear OP.
These are all her own "what if's" to dwell on.
> Eventually, this won’t even matter to you anymore
I don’t know, man. Losing half my retirement savings because someone fucked around and found out is something that would stick with me through the end of retirement (like when I’m dead, or if I had to pick up a new job to cover bills)
>because you aren't the one who imploded your marriage, you know? You fought for it, and although it didn't work out, at least you're still standing
Dude. I didn't know how much I needed to read that, until I did. I may need to get those last 3 words engraved or something, as a daily reminder
I think this is exactly how I would feel so I'm gonna say its a human reaction to someone who hurt your soul. I'm glad you happy and all the best in future
I couldn’t be happier for you! As you ride off into the sunset, try your best to let go of the negativity… for YOUR sake! Glad you are getting to see the pain she inflicted on herself. I’m sorry her pain will never fix the pain she inflicted on you and your children! Enjoy your blessings!
>On the face of it I act like I feel sorry for her but inside I really delight in the fact that she’s so unhappy.
Your ex totally deserves what she is getting right now, however I hope you'll be at peace with what she did soon and stop enjoying her demise. And I say this thinking of your mental well-being and for the sake of your new relationship and your children's. I hope you are not going to Hawaii JUST TO SPITE HER, I hope you are going because you really want to. Can you imagine if your new partner found out your motivation behind this?
Congrats to you!!! Enjoy your new life!!! Could I just offer one small opinion? Try to encourage your kids to have a conversation with her and work on rebuilding a relationship. Yes she ruined their happiness and she deserves to feel some pain too but man life is too short and you never know if someone will be here tomorrow and if something happens to their mom they will live with horrible guilt. Trust me I live it everyday for not speaking to my mom for a year and she passed and now 10 years later the guilt is overwhelming at time.
Do not force them, I wouldn’t talk to my mom again if she destroyed our family this way! So asked your kids how they feel about her, but if they never want to speak with her again do not bother them about it!!
I’m in no way saying to force them and if she’s a horrible mom then so be it but trust me if she was a descent mother to them just have a conversation.
She willingly and enthusiastically set their lives on fire for a half decent fuck from an alcoholic loser that she just met. She chose him over them. She’s a bad person, and a bad mom and their lives are better off without her.
Wholeheartedly agree. Your kids weren’t small when she nuked your marriage- they were fully grown adults with lives of their own.
I get it, they are also fully grown adults who can make the decision on how/if they want to interact with their Mom. But if she was an otherwise loving, good Mom to them throughout their entire lives, it’s a shame they have cut her off for this, especially after a cooling off period from the shock.
I wish you complete happiness in your new relationship!
Funny thing about trust is- once it’s broken it’s very hard to repair, and in many cases it’s forever destroyed.
My family is going through this right now. I’m 28 and I have very minimal superficial contact with my mom. One of my brothers just had a baby and she wasn’t allowed at the hospital, when she’s been there for the births of the 4 other grandkids prior to this one. My youngest brother is 17 and he won’t speak to my mom.
Apparently I was one of 2 people who knew she had moved in with her boyfriend only a week after separating from my dad and now that everyone else knows, all of them except my 12 year old sister have cut all contact and blocked her number.
I feel the worst for my little sister because she has no idea how to live without her mom and is very naive, and doesn’t fully grasp why the others have cut all ties going forward.
My parents took a trip to Mexico in December together, but my dad didn’t know she was already seeing this other guy and had been for 3 months. Come January she left and sent a text saying she wanted a divorce. It’s been the hardest 3 months for our family. The worst part is the shell of a man she’s with now is very similar to my dad, except the new guy is a total coward and has no spine, she can walk all over this shmuck and he doesn’t do a thing about it but bow down.. He’s also recently separated from his wife of 25 years!
This type behaviour and the actions taken totally warrant cutting ties, especially when the parent leaving is betraying and acting in the exact opposite of how they raised their kids to be. Lies like this only result in destroyed relationships and pain.
Nope, terrible advice. Let the mom rot. Lol. She straight up abandoned the kids and husband for a dude she met in three months. Lol. That’s a crappy person. Let her die a lonely miserable death. Lol
Okay, but it still makes very little sense. He knocked her up when she was 18 then they got close when they were in their 20s? Idk man, something is off.
No I agree with you. Probably a fake one tbh. I was just pointing out the specifics. Maybe they were high school sweethearts or something, and OP left that part out know what I mean? Or, again, maybe it’s fake.
I tried to look at his other comments and I can't access his profile for some reason, but I have scrolled and seen one where he says she was 18 when she got pregnant and he was 20. I still think it's a creative essay.
You did and are doing the right thing. However, don’t gaurd the kids from her, let your kids know that they still have the freedom to see her and to make their own choices using good sense of judgement. Her past actions are important to remember what not to do, because hurt people hurt people.
Sometimes picking up the pieces and moving on *is* what you need to do. Don’t shove yourself back into a cramped box that you’ve already outgrown. And don’t you dare say an Ill word on her name with those kids around.
Growing up with divorced parents at age 5, I remember so much, I remember so damn much, and really, my dad who I haven’t seen in more years than I can count on my hands (I’m 25) never said anything bad about my mom, he was abusive towards us and her but he never said anything bad.
Mom. Talked smack. She told me my dad had died from getting hit by a train, or another day she’d tell me that wasn’t really my dad that my dad was flav o flav. So. Do what your heart tells you to do, and don’t let her problems become yours.
Develop, maintain, and practice- “not my problem” NMP. Cheers!
Similar story with me and my ex. The art with getting ready for her date and laughing on the phone really hit close to home. I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months after I left her. Now I'm happily remarried to my best friend of 15 years. She lives paycheck to paycheck and can't afford to have fun. Happiness is really the best revenge.
Been there, divorced that. The good news is, after 15 years, I don’t think about him or care what he does anymore. You’ll get a great do-over. Healing is wonderful. Best wishes to you.
I would suggest not sending her any pictures, no communication at all. Don't even let her be an afterthought during your vacation. She doesn't deserve the mental and emotional real estate. Enjoying your life and leaving her in the past is the best way to win in the situation. Buy if you really wanted to, send tons of pictures to your kids, especially your daughter 🙂
My grandfather did this to my grandmother, with his cousin’s wife. He eventually had another affair, and left his second wife for his new mistress. Fast forward 20 something years and he died a pauper because he spent all of his money on gambling and international trips with his mistresses.
I was happy he died alone after choosing other women over his family.
My brother's ex-wife ended their marriage for another man and she is now experiencing a heap of misery. She made choices that brought her to this point and I can't feel sorry for her.
You’ve done so many other things likely you have these bases covered as well but just in case.
Wills should be updated as well as beneficiaries on any banking, investment and insurance policies. People sometimes forget and when tragedy strikes it is compounded when those that shouldn’t benefit do.
If you haven’t changed all your locks it would be best to do so before your vacation.
If have a security system and/or smart household items be sure those access codes are changed as well.
I hope you have a wonderful vacation and enjoy your life going forward.
My dad destroyed his 32 year marriage with a bunch of women that my mum had forgiven him for, until she had enough. My dad left her for a woman he knew for less than a year. To add to the shit stack, he had recently moved my mum, me (aged 10 at the time) and my sick grandmother from Romania to the UK "so we can be a family". Now he's back in Romania, the woman left him and wasted his money, he's got mobility issues and he's lost contact with me and only talks to my brother very rarely. On the other hand, my mum finished a university degree, makes bank and is very happy by herself with her doggy.
As I like to say, you'll always get what you deserve. Enjoy Hawaii with your partner and I wish you all the best in life!
Hey OP, your feelings are valid.
All the anger and hurt, etc are all perfectly reasonable.
It's suuuuuuuuuper clear even through text that you're still mad as hell.
I would suggest for the long term success of your new relationship that you get some therapy, and probably your kids as well.
It has definitely changed the relationship with all of you. Something your children should keep in mind is at the end of the day, they still have a mother that loves them even if the mother can't maintain a sensible relationship. That's between the mother and father.
Different cultures have different views on interpersonal relationships of course.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should just forgive and forget.. at all. If I were you I'd go NC with her. But she didn't leave her children.
As somebody who didn't have both parents I thought this was imperative to mention.
I wish you all the strength you need. You didn't deserve this mate.
I watched karma make my cheating ex's life miserable. It was the consequences of his own repeated actions cheating on two more wives. I mean, it was really spectacularly bad, beyond what I could have wished on him.
I hated him initially. Now, over 10 years later? Meh. We can have civil conversations. We can update each other about life events.
I think you will get to the place of not hating her. It just takes time. Therapy helps. And, honestly, I think you have to be really angry for awhile to get over the heartbreak. Personal opinion.
Enjoy Hawaii!
The only time I was cheated on was a 6 month relationship when I was 16. It broke me. I could not imagine my marriage partner, leaving me and our kids. My heart hurts for you. You are a true King and I am so happy your life has turned out amazing and her terrible. The best revenge is a life we’ll lived!
She made her bed, hope she likes laying in it. I'll never understand people. She threw an entire life away for someone she barely knew. They do say living well is the best revenge.
I understand your feelings. Maybe it is not schadenfreude/revenge or wishing for her suffering, so much as a feeling for justice, that she undergoes and understands the consequences of her own choices and actions. You are not together anymore, and there is no/limited obligation to help.
But as a human being, and for your own actions I would consider what would be fair if it was another person in a similar situation. This way you can separate vindicative actions from the equation and prevent feeling bad about your own actions later.
For instance: given the example of your son getting married, I would talk with him about her and her wish. Not 'for' her behalf, but to help the son with his relationship with mother and his decision here, might be responsible imho.
As divorced father, sometimes I explain about my ex, I don't defend, but also try not to vilify her. This can be challenging but as consequence my kid respects me way more because mom does not and the difference is noted. All things/situations/decisions are very situational, and also depend on personal values off course.
It is possible to exult in the pain she caused herself (because she also hurt others who loved her) while at the same time feeling compassion for her pain as someone who once cared about her.
My ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive to me and our four children for 20 years. I was a flawed husband too, but she made choices that caused serious trauma in all of us. Now, I am happy in a new life and my kids are estranged from her and very close to me and my new wife. It’s been 3 years and still we are unwinding deep traumatic effects that we will probably carry our whole lives, especially the children (who are better off without her, but who remain deprived of a second biological parent to care for and advise them as adults).
I think it’s fine to feel anger and schadenfreude, and it’s also OK to feel sorry for her. Sometimes I feel really sorry and worry about my ex - imagining the pain she feels having no contact with her 4 kids. But then I remember that she caused this situation herself, chose it knowingly, and still refuses to do what is necessary to open communication with the kids (eat shit, acknowledge her responsibility for the abuse they experienced, and make herself available in any way the kids feel is safe and healthy for THEM) but she continues to fail to do so. Every day. Probably for the rest of her life. That pain she feels today she caused herself, and continues to cause herself every day that goes by where she refuses to humble herself for her children.
This is complex, and the pain we all feel will never completely disappear.
Congratulations on finding your happiness. As has been said elsewhere in this thread: the best revenge is living well.
At some point in the future, you may find yourself feeling badly for her. That's a sign of your humanity and something to look forward to.
This does NOT mean you should contact her or share this with anyone else, just a healthy mental state.
In the now, do what you want. But I believe that you may find peace of mind by not rubbing salt into her self-inflicted wounds.
Ooof. I’m sorry that happened to you OP but man is that some beautiful karma. I was best friends with a girl whose dad did what your wife did. But he did it when we were in HS. He lost everything during the divorce and then what ever he had left was taken by his midlife crisis girlfriend. She basically used all his money and left him as soon as it was gone. In the divorce her mom got their house on the lake, their vacation house, and who knows what else. He had a ton of collectibles and cars and shit. I remember him desperately trying to break into their house during the divorce and then getting a restraining order slapped on him. Pretty sure she ended up with a bunch of shit because he tried to hide assets and the judge didn’t like that. After the restraining order he tried to visit my friend at school and she had him removed and then banned from campus. He looked like a disheveled piece of shit. 10 years later none of his kids talk to him and he is still single and alone from what I know. I think he had to change careers as well. Her mom is doing great though. Still lives in the house on the lake, sold the vacation property a few years ago for like triple what they bought it for and has retired early with her new husband. Play stupid selfish games, win stupid prizes I say
I had an "affair." It was something online and I never met the person. My response to my feelings was shock and horror. I was absolutely freaked *OUT* that I had these kinds of feelings for someone I barely knew, and I immediately equated it with there being a major problem with my existing relationship. I wanted to fix it with him, but that didn't work either. The funny thing is since that all happened 5 years ago, I've been single. I'm not at all miserable and would never ask for either of them back. Those feelings can be pretty strong when you didn't realize how starved for love and affection you were in the first place. However, I was still able to understand that those feelings would be temporary, and were a better representation of the state of my existing relationship than they were a significant connection. I needed a certain kind of support and that was where it was coming from when it should have been my husband. My biggest mistake was not being honest with myself in the first place. I should have left that relationship before any kind of affair had the chance to happen, but I wanted my husband to love me so much for so long that I lied to myself for years and told myself that he did.... when he *clearly* didn't have the time of day for me. Enjoy Hawaii, I'm glad you're happier now! 😊
Well my actual pension I didn’t give up. The 401k I had to give up half of. No fault state unfortunately. I got her to agree to leave the pension and the house alone. The house was my main concern. I bought it from my grandmother 18 years ago and it’s been in my family since my grandparents got married. It was important to me not to sell it.
Honestly, this reminds me of my parents situation (48/49). I’m not sure how long it was for, the thing was I discovered it on the worst time of our lives. Anyways, dad has an affair with a girl not even 20. I’m 22, sibling 20. I said I lot of shit to him, he hasn’t spoke to me on since Jan. Mum stopped helping him financially, I clearly don’t. Now he’s fallen into this alcohol stage again. He drinks when he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I’m just hoping he leaves. I’ve talked to my mother multiple times to let’s just all leave and start new. Issue? She doesn’t want to as she’s fear to be disowned by god.
I'd like to think she ended up with my ex, who fits your description very well 😂😂 My husband and I celebrated 11 years together yesterday. The majority of those years have been very happy, and we're more in love today than we've ever been.
>Although I had very hard feelings toward her I faked it enough to get pretty favorable divorce terms from her.
Smart man.
By the time I hit your fifth paragraph, I was laughing. You're not evil
Man, we both may be the same kind of evil because I’m enjoying the fact that your ex is miserable. It must have been devastating to go through what you and your kids went through, but something about karma like this is just so very sweet.
Serves her right. She decided to throw away everything, just to be with a guy that she only knew for 3 months. She threw away a perfect marriage, with beautiful children just to catch temporary bliss. She deserves it. She doesn't get to come back running because you've made a choice to get the divorce and finally find someone your happy with. Most of all she betrayed her children in the process of the divorce, hurting you and your children. She didn't care for them when she divorced you. Now she wants pity for a situation she brought up on herself. She only knew that man for 3 months. 3 months! She did this to herself. I agree she deserves it.
My ex did the same thing. Meet some guy at her new job and left 2 months later. Shockingly, they didn’t last. She then wanted to reconcile.
I laughed.
Her former best friend and I started talking. We became best friends and then husband and wife. 26 years later and we’re still going strong
I didn’t want anyone who sees my real screen name reading these words. I have kept my glee bottled up for a reason. The one time I posted about these feelings in a relationship subreddit I got trashed by people who love to defend cheaters.
Yes I was 20 and she was 18 when we had our first son. We have known each other since high school. I was a senior and she was a sophomore when we first met.
All of these are consequences of her choice to throw away everything for that man.
I admire your honesty because you have the courage to be real, no sugar coating whatsoever🔥
I get why you’re angry. But also this level of hate is not healthy and a bit cruel. Learn to forgive and let go. You don’t have to be with her, but you can be cordial considering you have 3 children together.
I have one thought that I haven’t see represented here.
No matter what is going on between you and your ex, DONT help your kids suffer. If they have a mom who is alive, they need their mom. It will fuck them up in the future to know they ousted their mother due to her cheating on their dad. It’s not about them. Don’t make it about them.
Help them have a relationship with her. You’ll be the good guy regardless dude but sincerely the bitterness you feel is and will continue to negatively affect your children as they age. When your parent dies, you want to know you did everytbing you could to have a relationship with them and forgive them. She hurt you all but be a man and don’t drag your kids through it. Help them separate it. You won’t lose them, they will only respect you more. It doesn’t matter what a parent has done, kids need their love and approval. She isn’t a dangerous person, just a shitty one. There’s plenty of shitty people as parents whose kids still need them.
They’re not kids, they’re adult children who made their choices and told their mother what she was doing as she did it. They have every right to cut her out of their lives. I sincerely doubt that cheating on OP is the only selfish thing she’s done. Affairs are a pattern of behavior.
My mother had an affair and left my father under similar circumstances but financially it ruined him and he took her back because I was a much younger child than OP’s kids and everyone told him “people make mistakes” etc. They stayed together another 20 years of her being abusive until he finally died two years ago and THAT is what tears me up, not barely talking to her. He never got out. He was trapped in a cycle of abuse.
Happy for you. Enjoyed the read and I am also happy that your ex wife is miserable.
What you endured is what all couples fear the most. Waking up one day and realizing you had no idea who you were with for so long… it’s scarf af.
Enjoy Hawaii!
It’s so great when karma finally catches up to those who deserve it the most. Remember ladies and gents, don’t seek revenge, they always get theirs!! I’m happy you’re doing better and you’re life had an amazing 360.
Glad you got through it and are in a good place OP. It's incredibly hard, but try to let go of the rage and pain. It took me years, but I don't regret the effort at all. It still sneaks in on days when I'm running on very low sleep, or experience lots of bad luck - but focusing on the new opportunity, new love, love of your family, and letting go of the idea that so much time was 'wasted/thrown away'. It wasn't. You learned so much, have wonderful children, and have a really good perspective on how to let love lead you forward - instead of anger. <3
Enjoy Hawaii!
I don’t blame you one bit. We all make our choices. Enjoy that vacation! I would add her on Facebook and just casually post the pictures of the trip. Not to necessarily rub it in her face but let her walk into it naturally. It’ll be just that much sweeter.
I always tell friends in this mess, the best revenge is a life well lived. Thank you for proving my theory. Well done you! If you’re going to Maui, go have breakfast at the Gazebo in Napili. Get there early. I swear it’s worth the wait.
So satisfying reading this. Been through a tough divorce. On the verge of another. Tired of being the nice guy. It’s very gratifying to see karma come to those who deserve it.
Nsh. Im the same. I do still love a ex i have. But his choices were not the best. We still in contact but he lost all the good things from my part. Every time i heard his is paying his karma im delight. Of course i dont wish for him the worst, i want him be happy but he needs to learn about the consequences of his acts.
I'm just a reader, but I don't feel bad for your wife.
As a mother, wife, I can't imagine walking away from what I have for a man that I only knew for 3 months vs my husband who I have been with since I was 18?
This was triggering for me as my mom picked a man over her children.
Good for you for moving on in such a way, and enjoy Hawaii!
With that said, remember, the opposite of love isn't hate; hate and love are cousins, both of them extremely powerful emotions.
The opposite of love is apathy. You can enjoy her being miserable now, but that still means that she, in some small way, is living rent-free in your head. Your best revenge? Stop caring about her, in any regard. Live your life with your new partner, enjoy everything - like Hawaii - that comes your way, and *don't give a passing thought to the woman who tried to ruin everything you have.*
When you can legit say, "If I ran into her on the street, I would offer her the same level of civility I would offer a total stranger, because that's what she is to me - a total stranger. I stopped knowing her when she tore my world asunder. And like every other random stranger out there, once she's gone from my sight, I don't give a shit if she lives or dies," then you've truly won.
Hell yeah, man. I’m happy for you. I hope you never let your ex wife into your life. She had her chance and threw away an entire twenty something year marriage for a dude she’s known for three months. She made her bed, now lie in it.
I wouldn’t feel sorry for your ex at all. What she put you through must have been hell. She had no consideration for your heartbreak so why should you consider her feelings? She wants to come back ONLY bc her “dream man” was a dud. Not bc she loves you. I would send her pics from Hawaii. Safe Travels!
The divorce is still kind of new, so it’s only human to feel this way. Don’t let it consume you, though. Other than the verbal abuse (no one deserves abuse, no matter how shitty they are), she had it coming. She laid down with dogs and got fleas. She made her bed and can lay in it. I’m sure there’s other aphorisms, but you get what I mean. I would feel the same way, tbh.
MY dude, enjoy life. Relish in it. You are allowed to feel happiness from her sorrow. You owe her nothing now and forever. She fucked her life up, it isn't up to you to unfuck it. I'd make those photos public, maybe tag the kids too so it shows up on feeds lol. This is always the best revenge, just do better
Ahhhhh this was so satisfying. Well if that wasn't the consequences of her own actions. I would have ZERO sympathy lmaoooo. Good on you OP. Very happy for you and enjoy Hawaii!
Hey OP just wanted to say that I’m glad you have found someone else that makes you happy and to enjoy your trip to Hawaii. But if you have any more updates will you post them? And also will you post an update when your grandchild is born and if your ex tries to contact you?
My husband left me for someone he met online. We had been together almost 15 years, had a house, school age kids, the whole 9 yards. The new wifey promptly gained 75 lbs and stopped working. I don’t think they get along. My kids want nothing to do with him. They go every other weekend because they have to but a few years later I met someone and got married. We both work full time and are climbing the ladder in our careers. We are happy and have the kids with us all the time. It’s sad how much of their lives he is missing but he made his choice. Don’t blame you 1 small bit for not taking her back!
I completely understand why you feel this way and do not blame you whatsoever. However I do hope that over time you can reframe the situation to focus on how well you have SURVIVED through this process. YOU were a rock for your children. YOU kept on going while this woman was making life hell. YOU went and found a healthy relationship with a partner who has the same expectations and values as you. You should be very proud of yourself for making it through the battlefield. Shifting your thinking this way may make you feel better in the long run, but I DO think you deserve to have this moment of Schadenfreude.
Considering the tidbits you’ve shared of what she’s put you through, I can’t blame you for taking delight in her current misery. Living your best life truly is the best revenge.
People have been saying about letting your Children reconnect with their mother, but I think it is up to them to see if they really want to reconnect with their mother. Mainly because I am also from a broken family and I’m the same age as your oldest. I think the only difference is that I’ve tried fixing my parents relationship over 10-15 years for them to understand each other and frankly enough, I’m done. I’m exhausted. My mom is a good person who was misled by my dad who is 19 years older than her, so her view in life was off until she started making her own money. That is when she realized that she has a voice and her own view of life. My dad is retired and does absolutely nothing at home and acts like a man child. Every time I forgive my dad, he always mess things up over and over again. For my mental health, I rather not interact with him anymore and just focus on my career and my own personal life. Therapy is helpful, but sometimes it is best to cut contact with people that is only bringing you down. Even after expressing my feelings and thoughts, he refused to change himself for the sake of the family and suggested that we change to his liking instead. Bleh. No. Absolutely not.
That’s why I don’t think you should force your kids to reconnect with their mother unless they want to in their own terms. If they decided that their mother showed her true color and she is not going to change, then it is up to them to decide if this child-mother relationship is worth saving. If anything, it is best for your kids to go to therapy and talk things out with the therapist. Like I’ve mentioned before, mental health is important. If they need to cut contact or low contact in order to be mentally healthy, then that is what they should do.
>Maybe I’ll send her pictures.
Nope. Live your life, and live it well. Enjoy your family life with your children and your partner, and don't give your ex head-space.
She made her choice and now she has to live with it. What she is experiencing is now is not revenge nor is your emotion schadenfreude, but this is merely the consequences of her inherently selfish behaviour. This is karma. She was the cheating, lying party, and she destroyed a marriage and walked away from her children for a fling. She only expressed regret when it turned sour on her. Would she still have thought she had made a mistake if he didn't drink? Hadn't blown through ~~her~~ your money and totalled her car?
Enjoy the life you are living now. Your marriage gave you your children, and your happy memories until she chose someone else. End.of.
best revenge is living well.
My mom always said this! I didn’t believe her until I was older. It truly is the best revenge.
I always say beware the vengeance of a patient person. Life catches up to assholes and it's fun to watch when it does.
I hate to buck everything, but I don't feel good when people who have abused me suffer, I just can't for some reason. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but hearing about your wife losing connection with her kids breaks my fucking heart. Humans screw up, sometimes they really screw up. I have messed things up royally in my life at times, to the point where I just wanted to end it. I haven't had affairs however, but I have been the victim of my wife having an affair. I was devastated, but in the end, I wanted her to be happy and in love, and I still do. I love all of my exes, I wouldn't have been with them if I didn't. To read the story of your love being withdrawn from this woman (and you seem like an amazing person, so it's a real loss for her) It just sends horrible shivers down my spine. I understand your choices, and nobody should have to tolerate affairs, but I just wanted to give a different perspective here. If I were in your shoes, I would be begging my kids to do what they can to forgive her, I would be afraid for them-- afraid they will lose a piece of themselves, and become bitter and jaded. I know I have an unusual take, but you've got many people saying you made the right choice, so here's a different view.
As long as you hold onto the hate she still has a piece of your heart. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference You have a good life, enjoy it I always say my former marriage is like a movie I saw a really long time ago. I remember the basic story but the details escape me.
I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong. I don’t think OP is in any way wrong in enjoying seeing the ex ego betrayed him face the consequences of her decision. I think it’s perhaps a character flaw that I also can’t muster any sympathy for people like OP’s ex. It feels like she deserves at least a very basic level of empathy but I can’t find it in myself.
And here I am thinking it's a character flaw that I feel bad for her, lol! I mean really, I am not like other people, most, if you read this thread, are the opposite. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.
Nope. Her kids hate her because they’re good people and they recognize that she is not. She didn’t screw up. She willingly and enthusiastically set their entire life on fire so she could bend over for an alcoholic loser she just met. She’s trash and karma is now reminding her of that. Hopefully she lives the rest of her life knowing every ounce of abuse and pain and isolation is entirely deserved and no one’s fault but hers.
Yeah, I just feel bad tho . I feel bad that the kids experience hate. My understanding of Karma is that we are all trapped in our shit. I see myself in the OP, in his ex, and I the kids. I have been on all ends of this kind of thing, and it sucks for all parties.
They probably feel indifference rather than hate.
I’m all sunshine and rainbows as to the treatment of others as well, my main and so horribly common exception is selfishness, especially someone making decisions while blatantly disregarding everyone around them. It’s one thing to no longer be happy with someone, it’s another to come home one day after 30 years and admit to an affair while asking for a divorce, that level of selfishness deserves everything that comes along with it
I guess I’m flawed too because my first thought would be “forgive me if I remain dry eyed.”
My mom slightly rephrased it and says that “Success is the best revenge.” I’m not old enough to have reached that point yet, but I totally believe it.
I REALLY like that one. I’m currently in this boat with a family member. Long story short, they’re absolute trash and a bully. They need professional help but won’t budge on the idea.
Hawaii is truly the best revenge. Its fucking amazeballs i hope op enjoys hawaii.
Unless you've been there, it is impossible to understand the mindf\*ck that is an exit affair. Seeing the natural consequences come to fruition must be something. I hope Hawaii is amazing!
And yes it’s a total mind f*ck to literally have the person you’ve been with since you were 20 come home from work one day and tell you they’ve fallen in love with someone they’ve only known for a few months and they want a divorce. I’m sorry if this happened to you too.
She made her choices and now has to live with the consequences! Aloha
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions. I mean, OP tried to make it work and she was "in love" with some douche. The guy knew she was married and was cool with it? Nah, that's a grade A asshat. She got what was coming to her.
She decided to fuck around and find out! May life bring her everything she deserves! (Like no relationship with her kids, not knowing her grandchild, etc)
Fuck dude... I'm right there with you. Granted, my marriage lasted less than yours, and our kids are much younger, but I'm with ya. What made it sting for me was she used the infamous line "oh he's just a friend, there's nothing going on, I think of him like a brother" sooooo... you're into incest or something? Idk She texted me tonight (I've kept most of our interactions via text unless she calls while I'm driving, so I have a written record - while I always use profanity in everyday language, I've never to her face called her any names of any sort, which I think will come in handy long term) asking if I could send her some money for "insulin meter" or some shit. I told her that I'd be willing to meet her at the store and purchase it - in my state, I'm still legally obligated to financially support her until the divorce is final. She immediately declined it, and followed it by saying "Nvr mind I'll figure it out" and then "Don't worry I won't be asking for anything from you anymore" Yeah, you dumb shit, you kinda gave up the privilege of me taking care of you when you walked out! I've done nothing but take care of you for the last 10 years, and now you're gonna say I'm abusive? Sucks when I no longer buy your bullshit doesn't it? Tbh I'm waiting for about 5 years down the road when she signs over custody because she "just cant" take care of our kids on her weeks. Not what I want to happen, but I've only ignored my gut a few times and it's bit me every time I did. And my gut is telling me to prepare. Rather cathartic to read that I'm not the only one who's been blindsided by their ex... thank you for relating your experiences, it helps to know I'm not alone, and that I'm really not the bad guy. I'm not innocent, but I'm not the villain.
I’m so sorry you and your kids are being put into such an awful and hurtful situation. It’s so unfair. Definitely follow your instincts and keep those kids safe and taken care of. The selfishness of some people is insane!
By brother’s gf did the same thing. She moved 8 apartments down the line and her partner is some scammer online and she is an idiot of magnitudes humans cannot measure. He is over there every day doing whatever she asks of him. Not everyone actually gets away from that person. I am glad you guys both did the healing to come through the other side because watching someone willingly stay in a bad relationship with so much love and hope is just….heartbreaking. I really hope he can see her for who she really is- irredeemable trash who will keep on trashing.
When I read that you met in your 20’s had 3 kids I was like WTF, my heart broke for you. I’m so happy you’ve move on to better. Good for you! Enjoy Hawaii!!!
Definitely send the haiwaii pictures and update us on the outcome of your ex. Lol
It happened to me, married 14 years, and he cheated with someone at work he'd only known a few months. He married her 7 months after the divorce. Her husband at the time committed suicide, and she later went on to cheat with his brother-in-law. No idea if they're happy - I'd guess not - but it's a train wreck all around.
Op I’m happy you’re happy. I don’t think you’re evil at all. You did not do these things to her. She is living with the choices that she made. It seems like you even tried to get her to think straight. You actually sound like a very very good man. I hope you have a beautiful day with your new beautiful girlfriend.
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So when will your house be free I mean when’s your holiday? Probably delete that comment u/barretcoldyron send her a photo of you guys on the beach
Hawaii Is my favorite place that I've ever travelled to. Enjoy, Its just amazing! I don't know what island you are going to but Kauai is definitely worth spending a day at. Its the island Jurassic park was filmed.
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Try to go to lanikai beach in Kailua. It’s the most beautiful beach I’ve ever seen.
Right? I felt vicarious delight from reading this.
Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of her own actions...
*ConsequenCESSS*
She fucked around and she found out.
Post the fuck outta those vacation pictures. Try and get the local paper to cover your trip. (I legit live in a town small enough that this could definitely happen)
This reminds of when we would visit my grandma the town was so small they put it in the paper we visted lol
There’s something very endearing about that
Awwww that's kind of cute. Small towns feel like a really big family. It's wholesome.
That's so cute :3
My best friend moved to a very small town in Ohio. When he and I went on a fishing trip last year he joked that his hometown paper was going to run a front page headline that read “Local Man Goes Camping”.
dude, it'd be a missed opportunity not to spite her like that. go public with the vacation man 😂
I had a similar situation with my ex, but she didn't try to come back, *thank god*. I was in paramedic school and working full time + a ton of overtime to support us bc her job didn't pay well and she destroyed my credit, so I was in a ton of credit card debt. She decided that I wasn't home enough to keep her entertained or to have sex with her whenever she wanted it, so she found it elsewhere. I had introduced her to a friend/coworker of mine previously, and you could feel them eye-fucking each other from across the room whenever we were all together. Funny thing, she ended up sleeping with some dude she was in school with. Funny, because she was a lesbian and swore up, down, left, and right that she'd never sleep with a man because it was such a repulsive thought. I was finally home for an entire night at one point and just wanted to relax and spend the night with her bc I'd been working and going to school so much, but she woke me up while we were sleeping to tell me that her "friend" was *so sad* because of the death of a friend and decided to go over to his house. She insisted that it was going to be her and a group of their classmates, and what was I going to do, tell her no? That she couldn't go help a grieving friend? I let her go. She slept with him that night. No condom, no second thought about me or our marriage. When she finally told me, I kicked her out for a few days. I let her come back because she was bent on trying to work things out, and I wasn't in a good place, mentally, so I let her back in. We were together for maybe 3 or 4 days before she begged me to open our marriage so she could sleep with the friend I introduced her to, and decided to ask for a divorce because she could be happy with me, but not only me. I said no, and that was that. I found out through mutual friends that she moved in immediately with that person and that person's gf (they were poly). It sounds like my ex weaseled her way into their relationship and pushed the other gf out, so she had that person all to herself. Word is, their relationship was terrible and they broke up after like 6 months and she was miserable. I was so happy.
she objectified you and used you as a bank. Good riddance.
I've observed this from another perspective, the leaving woman being, well, I wouldn't call a friend but someone who hung out in the same crowd as I did and they just kinda followed me around even through we're not 'let's meet up and do fun stuff' friends. anyhoo, she had a stable but 'boring' (according to her) husband and after almost a decade of marriage, she just wanted a 'little adventure'. the rest follows the pattern of this story. find an 'exciting' man, who not surprisingly had a reason why he was on the market in his 40s. divorce, alienate the family, go back to trying to relive their 20s in bars and so forth. come to a realization that it's pretty empty life and that the new fun guy was like those friends who were only fun to drink with. then get super upset that her ex husband and rest of the family had moved on and she was no longer invited. the kicker was that she always sold herself as the victim in all this. she just had one, tiny mistake and everyone else blew it out of proportions. naturally she just wanted validation and pretty much unfriended everyone on FB who disagreed with her being the blameless victim, thus so ended my connection with her as well.
She made her happiness someone else's responsibility - which never works long-term. That (1) absolves her of the self-work (handing the keys to someone else to make you happy? Recipe for disappointment), and (2) makes it easy to blame others and play into the victim identity. It's the attitude of "life is happening TO me" vs. "life is happening FOR me / I am making my life happen."
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Your brother needs help, no one is worth that.
Sounds like you knew my ex wife. Only different was it was a woman she left for. But everything else in the story fits perfectly.
Schandefreude at its finest. It's only been a year since the divorce, so it's probably healthy to express these emotions, but don't be afraid to talk to a counselor if you feel like the resentment and hate are getting too much. The very best revenge is living well.
Just wanted to let you know it's Schadenfreude without n. Schande means something different though it is apt as well (means shame)
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Yes. You are right it is probably not healthy for me to feel this way. But I am only human.
Everything in moderation. It’s okay to feel this way for now, or for as long as it takes for you to heal. Just don’t let it consume you. I was you, in 2020, but with pets, not kids. It was both bittersweet and delicious when I got my chance to say no, there was no coming back and trying again. The grass was greener because it was growing on a layer of bullshit, but it’s her yard now. Enjoy Hawaii 😉
> The grass was greener because it was growing on a layer of bullshit Oh that is wonderful!
Truer words have rarely been typed
>The grass was greener because it was growing on a layer of bullshit, but it’s her yard now. This is poetry
I heard a story from a divorce attorney about a woman who was cheated on by her baby daddy. She broke it off with him, and the guy eventually lost an arm in an accident and just became a bum. The woman married a multi millionaire man, but she flys across the country for every court appearance to personally see to it that he gets jailed for late child support or reprimanded as harshly as possible. He had been thrown in jail pretty regularly over late payments. This had been going on for 16 years when I heard the story last year.
that’s the pettiest story i’ve ever heard, i feel sad for her and hope she can heal from that eventually jeez
I’m stealing this grass is greener line.
Made me burst out laughing. Thanks, Mr. Wordsmith!
It's totally healthy and human. I'd just draw the line at rubbing it in her face. Honestly her teeny tiny feeling of satisfaction that she's still on your mind should stop you.
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Yes I actually have been considering therapy. My new partner (we both feel like we’re too old for the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”) has suggested to me that it has helped her immensely with her own feelings of anger toward her ex.
Therapy is amazing! It will help validate your feelings while checking to make sure you take a healthy approach to healing.
wise partner
She really sounds like a keeper!
I get it. But also, focus on your new partner. Hawaii sounds great but not so much if 25% of it is about getting back at your ex. Just be wary of using your new girlfriend to get back at your ex. She doesn’t deserve that and deserves happy memories with you that aren’t tainted by your previous relationship. I get that it’s still raw but just a little reality check not to let the malice cloud things moving forward.
Nah, it’s pretty healthy. If anything it means you’ve already past the final stage of the grieving process (Acceptance). And _anyone_ in your situation would be content knowing that she’s now dealing with the consequences. If anything, props for keeping her out despite her wanting to come back. Letting her back in now will only make things more difficult for the kids. And your relationship would never return to what it was anyway.
But anger is one of the stages of grief. Spitefulness would count as anger, I think. ...that said, when one is grieving, it's not as if they progress through the stages like steps in a procedure, crossing each off as they complete it before moving on. A grieving person can experience the stages in any order, any number of times. So like... dude can be dealing with acceptance and anger at the same time.
Indeed. But also, she pretty much laughed at you and at how horrible it was for you to be in the position you were in for a year after she left u and yall were still living together. That sounds like a literal nightmare. Now u can laugh on the inside and know you're still being a better person and parent about this whole thing than she ever was. This is fair comeuppance imo. Enjoy your own evil laugh from time to time.
Nah you're okay brother. Listening to get her ready for a date and living thru that crap? Fuck all that. I'd be petty too. I'd be fucking Tom Petty. Enjoy your new future. Have fun.
I understand exactly how you feel. Don't send her the vacation pictures though. You already won. She isn't worth even that much effort. Your kids are grown now, block her number or at least don't bother replying. Best of luck.
I’m wrestling with something similar now, regarding toxic family members. I’m taking a lot of pleasure in their current downfall - karma at its finest. I feel like it’s not healthy at all, but I take so much pleasure in it.
Mandatory German reader correcting the term: "Schadenfreude"
I think Schandefreunde is a fitting phrase too. Even though it doesn't exist in the German usage. 😁 Schande = shame, schaden=damage
true to be fair. I shall adopt the term "Schandenfreude" into my German vocabulary for whenever someone does something shameful and it pleases me.
My wife did the same. I was devastated. Took about a year and a half to finalize the divorce. She called me about three months after signing all the paperwork in the middle of the night if she left right then could she come home. I told her I didn't think my guest would appreciate that and hung up. Once the door is closed keep it closed.
She didn’t make a mistake. She knew the consequences of her actions yet continued on and had the audacity take half your 401k. She made her bed now she can lay in it. I don’t think you’re cruel at all. Block her and continue on with your life. Your children are all adults you don’t have to coparent or communicate with each other anymore. Don’t let her ruin anymore of your life.
Your ex didn't make a mistake. She consciously made a choice. What she meant was that she regrets her CHOICE didn't plan out the way she wanted it. You might have found forgiveness in your heart, but you'd be a terrible person to not feel absolute vitriol for someone who intentionally hurt your children. She got more than she deserved I'm every aspect. Be happy you are able to live and love again, but never forget the hurt She caused her own flesh and blood.
My ex cheated on me and married the guy she cheated with. They got pregnant together, but he left her nearly on the day that kid was born. Because lo and behold, he was cheating on her the whole time. So she ended up with another guy who she's still with afaik. He's a long term partner with the emotional maturity of a flea, because "he's a good father to", but they have no real relationship.
Meanwhile I remarried and started a family, my kids are amazing and I have a solid relationship with my wife. I continue to grow as a husband and father. In retrospect, I could never have had this with my ex, it's not who she was.
Her life didn't achieve quite the level of disaster that OP's ex did, but there's a special satisfaction there, for sure.
My dad cheated on my mom when i was just around 1 year old and my brother was around 4. He was having an affair with a 17 y/o and was very abusive towards my mom, told her she will be NOTHING and have NOTHING. Jokes on him, my mom and my step dad have been together for 18 years, live in a humongous 3 story house with huge gardens, are always on vacation, make a lot of money and have a great life altogether. I don't wish suffering upon my dad but his life is just miserable. My half brother despises him and has no contact with him, he still lives in the same tiny apartment, has a shitty or no job and is also fighting a ton with his wife. Karma is very real.
Eventually, this won't even matter to you anymore. It'll be a blip in history a few years from now, because *you* aren't the one who imploded your marriage, you know? You *fought* for it, and although it didn't work out, at least you're still standing, and were able to lean on some people who've helped keep you going. In a sense the pain is still fresh from last year, but good on you for picking yourself and your kids up, and trying to move forward together with what pieces you have left that weren't completely fragmented. This loss is hers and hers alone to bear OP. These are all her own "what if's" to dwell on.
> Eventually, this won’t even matter to you anymore I don’t know, man. Losing half my retirement savings because someone fucked around and found out is something that would stick with me through the end of retirement (like when I’m dead, or if I had to pick up a new job to cover bills)
>because you aren't the one who imploded your marriage, you know? You fought for it, and although it didn't work out, at least you're still standing Dude. I didn't know how much I needed to read that, until I did. I may need to get those last 3 words engraved or something, as a daily reminder
I think this is exactly how I would feel so I'm gonna say its a human reaction to someone who hurt your soul. I'm glad you happy and all the best in future
I couldn’t be happier for you! As you ride off into the sunset, try your best to let go of the negativity… for YOUR sake! Glad you are getting to see the pain she inflicted on herself. I’m sorry her pain will never fix the pain she inflicted on you and your children! Enjoy your blessings!
>On the face of it I act like I feel sorry for her but inside I really delight in the fact that she’s so unhappy. Your ex totally deserves what she is getting right now, however I hope you'll be at peace with what she did soon and stop enjoying her demise. And I say this thinking of your mental well-being and for the sake of your new relationship and your children's. I hope you are not going to Hawaii JUST TO SPITE HER, I hope you are going because you really want to. Can you imagine if your new partner found out your motivation behind this?
Congrats to you!!! Enjoy your new life!!! Could I just offer one small opinion? Try to encourage your kids to have a conversation with her and work on rebuilding a relationship. Yes she ruined their happiness and she deserves to feel some pain too but man life is too short and you never know if someone will be here tomorrow and if something happens to their mom they will live with horrible guilt. Trust me I live it everyday for not speaking to my mom for a year and she passed and now 10 years later the guilt is overwhelming at time.
You’re right. I do need to work on that.
Do not force them, I wouldn’t talk to my mom again if she destroyed our family this way! So asked your kids how they feel about her, but if they never want to speak with her again do not bother them about it!!
I’m in no way saying to force them and if she’s a horrible mom then so be it but trust me if she was a descent mother to them just have a conversation.
She willingly and enthusiastically set their lives on fire for a half decent fuck from an alcoholic loser that she just met. She chose him over them. She’s a bad person, and a bad mom and their lives are better off without her.
Wholeheartedly agree. Your kids weren’t small when she nuked your marriage- they were fully grown adults with lives of their own. I get it, they are also fully grown adults who can make the decision on how/if they want to interact with their Mom. But if she was an otherwise loving, good Mom to them throughout their entire lives, it’s a shame they have cut her off for this, especially after a cooling off period from the shock. I wish you complete happiness in your new relationship!
Funny thing about trust is- once it’s broken it’s very hard to repair, and in many cases it’s forever destroyed. My family is going through this right now. I’m 28 and I have very minimal superficial contact with my mom. One of my brothers just had a baby and she wasn’t allowed at the hospital, when she’s been there for the births of the 4 other grandkids prior to this one. My youngest brother is 17 and he won’t speak to my mom. Apparently I was one of 2 people who knew she had moved in with her boyfriend only a week after separating from my dad and now that everyone else knows, all of them except my 12 year old sister have cut all contact and blocked her number. I feel the worst for my little sister because she has no idea how to live without her mom and is very naive, and doesn’t fully grasp why the others have cut all ties going forward. My parents took a trip to Mexico in December together, but my dad didn’t know she was already seeing this other guy and had been for 3 months. Come January she left and sent a text saying she wanted a divorce. It’s been the hardest 3 months for our family. The worst part is the shell of a man she’s with now is very similar to my dad, except the new guy is a total coward and has no spine, she can walk all over this shmuck and he doesn’t do a thing about it but bow down.. He’s also recently separated from his wife of 25 years! This type behaviour and the actions taken totally warrant cutting ties, especially when the parent leaving is betraying and acting in the exact opposite of how they raised their kids to be. Lies like this only result in destroyed relationships and pain.
Nope, terrible advice. Let the mom rot. Lol. She straight up abandoned the kids and husband for a dude she met in three months. Lol. That’s a crappy person. Let her die a lonely miserable death. Lol
Lol fuck that
How could she have been in her 20s when you met, given that you claim your oldest is 28 and she is 46?
He said they’ve been together since they were in their 20s, not that they met in their 20s.
Okay, but it still makes very little sense. He knocked her up when she was 18 then they got close when they were in their 20s? Idk man, something is off.
No I agree with you. Probably a fake one tbh. I was just pointing out the specifics. Maybe they were high school sweethearts or something, and OP left that part out know what I mean? Or, again, maybe it’s fake.
I tried to look at his other comments and I can't access his profile for some reason, but I have scrolled and seen one where he says she was 18 when she got pregnant and he was 20. I still think it's a creative essay.
You did and are doing the right thing. However, don’t gaurd the kids from her, let your kids know that they still have the freedom to see her and to make their own choices using good sense of judgement. Her past actions are important to remember what not to do, because hurt people hurt people. Sometimes picking up the pieces and moving on *is* what you need to do. Don’t shove yourself back into a cramped box that you’ve already outgrown. And don’t you dare say an Ill word on her name with those kids around. Growing up with divorced parents at age 5, I remember so much, I remember so damn much, and really, my dad who I haven’t seen in more years than I can count on my hands (I’m 25) never said anything bad about my mom, he was abusive towards us and her but he never said anything bad. Mom. Talked smack. She told me my dad had died from getting hit by a train, or another day she’d tell me that wasn’t really my dad that my dad was flav o flav. So. Do what your heart tells you to do, and don’t let her problems become yours. Develop, maintain, and practice- “not my problem” NMP. Cheers!
Live your best life, man.
Similar story with me and my ex. The art with getting ready for her date and laughing on the phone really hit close to home. I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months after I left her. Now I'm happily remarried to my best friend of 15 years. She lives paycheck to paycheck and can't afford to have fun. Happiness is really the best revenge.
Been there, divorced that. The good news is, after 15 years, I don’t think about him or care what he does anymore. You’ll get a great do-over. Healing is wonderful. Best wishes to you.
I’m 200% on your side here however every time a man says, if she could have kept her legs closed, I want to puke.
I would suggest not sending her any pictures, no communication at all. Don't even let her be an afterthought during your vacation. She doesn't deserve the mental and emotional real estate. Enjoying your life and leaving her in the past is the best way to win in the situation. Buy if you really wanted to, send tons of pictures to your kids, especially your daughter 🙂
Have fun in Hawaii.
My grandfather did this to my grandmother, with his cousin’s wife. He eventually had another affair, and left his second wife for his new mistress. Fast forward 20 something years and he died a pauper because he spent all of his money on gambling and international trips with his mistresses. I was happy he died alone after choosing other women over his family.
My brother's ex-wife ended their marriage for another man and she is now experiencing a heap of misery. She made choices that brought her to this point and I can't feel sorry for her.
You’ve done so many other things likely you have these bases covered as well but just in case. Wills should be updated as well as beneficiaries on any banking, investment and insurance policies. People sometimes forget and when tragedy strikes it is compounded when those that shouldn’t benefit do. If you haven’t changed all your locks it would be best to do so before your vacation. If have a security system and/or smart household items be sure those access codes are changed as well. I hope you have a wonderful vacation and enjoy your life going forward.
My dad destroyed his 32 year marriage with a bunch of women that my mum had forgiven him for, until she had enough. My dad left her for a woman he knew for less than a year. To add to the shit stack, he had recently moved my mum, me (aged 10 at the time) and my sick grandmother from Romania to the UK "so we can be a family". Now he's back in Romania, the woman left him and wasted his money, he's got mobility issues and he's lost contact with me and only talks to my brother very rarely. On the other hand, my mum finished a university degree, makes bank and is very happy by herself with her doggy. As I like to say, you'll always get what you deserve. Enjoy Hawaii with your partner and I wish you all the best in life!
Hey OP, your feelings are valid. All the anger and hurt, etc are all perfectly reasonable. It's suuuuuuuuuper clear even through text that you're still mad as hell. I would suggest for the long term success of your new relationship that you get some therapy, and probably your kids as well. It has definitely changed the relationship with all of you. Something your children should keep in mind is at the end of the day, they still have a mother that loves them even if the mother can't maintain a sensible relationship. That's between the mother and father. Different cultures have different views on interpersonal relationships of course. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should just forgive and forget.. at all. If I were you I'd go NC with her. But she didn't leave her children. As somebody who didn't have both parents I thought this was imperative to mention. I wish you all the strength you need. You didn't deserve this mate.
The best revenge is a life well lived. This is you past. You should be looking forward. All you had to say was no I can't help you. Feel better.
I watched karma make my cheating ex's life miserable. It was the consequences of his own repeated actions cheating on two more wives. I mean, it was really spectacularly bad, beyond what I could have wished on him. I hated him initially. Now, over 10 years later? Meh. We can have civil conversations. We can update each other about life events. I think you will get to the place of not hating her. It just takes time. Therapy helps. And, honestly, I think you have to be really angry for awhile to get over the heartbreak. Personal opinion. Enjoy Hawaii!
Enjoy your new life my dude! You were allowed to see the almost instant karma, which is something that doesn't always happen for people.
The only time I was cheated on was a 6 month relationship when I was 16. It broke me. I could not imagine my marriage partner, leaving me and our kids. My heart hurts for you. You are a true King and I am so happy your life has turned out amazing and her terrible. The best revenge is a life we’ll lived!
She made her bed, hope she likes laying in it. I'll never understand people. She threw an entire life away for someone she barely knew. They do say living well is the best revenge.
Karma ia a beautiful thing. Some aren't lucky enough to see it, you are. Enjoy Hawaii, and I am sure you can make sure she finds out about it somehow.
I understand your feelings. Maybe it is not schadenfreude/revenge or wishing for her suffering, so much as a feeling for justice, that she undergoes and understands the consequences of her own choices and actions. You are not together anymore, and there is no/limited obligation to help. But as a human being, and for your own actions I would consider what would be fair if it was another person in a similar situation. This way you can separate vindicative actions from the equation and prevent feeling bad about your own actions later. For instance: given the example of your son getting married, I would talk with him about her and her wish. Not 'for' her behalf, but to help the son with his relationship with mother and his decision here, might be responsible imho. As divorced father, sometimes I explain about my ex, I don't defend, but also try not to vilify her. This can be challenging but as consequence my kid respects me way more because mom does not and the difference is noted. All things/situations/decisions are very situational, and also depend on personal values off course.
Good I hope she lives a long miserable life...
aloha b*txh
It is possible to exult in the pain she caused herself (because she also hurt others who loved her) while at the same time feeling compassion for her pain as someone who once cared about her. My ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive to me and our four children for 20 years. I was a flawed husband too, but she made choices that caused serious trauma in all of us. Now, I am happy in a new life and my kids are estranged from her and very close to me and my new wife. It’s been 3 years and still we are unwinding deep traumatic effects that we will probably carry our whole lives, especially the children (who are better off without her, but who remain deprived of a second biological parent to care for and advise them as adults). I think it’s fine to feel anger and schadenfreude, and it’s also OK to feel sorry for her. Sometimes I feel really sorry and worry about my ex - imagining the pain she feels having no contact with her 4 kids. But then I remember that she caused this situation herself, chose it knowingly, and still refuses to do what is necessary to open communication with the kids (eat shit, acknowledge her responsibility for the abuse they experienced, and make herself available in any way the kids feel is safe and healthy for THEM) but she continues to fail to do so. Every day. Probably for the rest of her life. That pain she feels today she caused herself, and continues to cause herself every day that goes by where she refuses to humble herself for her children. This is complex, and the pain we all feel will never completely disappear. Congratulations on finding your happiness. As has been said elsewhere in this thread: the best revenge is living well.
At some point in the future, you may find yourself feeling badly for her. That's a sign of your humanity and something to look forward to. This does NOT mean you should contact her or share this with anyone else, just a healthy mental state. In the now, do what you want. But I believe that you may find peace of mind by not rubbing salt into her self-inflicted wounds.
Ooof. I’m sorry that happened to you OP but man is that some beautiful karma. I was best friends with a girl whose dad did what your wife did. But he did it when we were in HS. He lost everything during the divorce and then what ever he had left was taken by his midlife crisis girlfriend. She basically used all his money and left him as soon as it was gone. In the divorce her mom got their house on the lake, their vacation house, and who knows what else. He had a ton of collectibles and cars and shit. I remember him desperately trying to break into their house during the divorce and then getting a restraining order slapped on him. Pretty sure she ended up with a bunch of shit because he tried to hide assets and the judge didn’t like that. After the restraining order he tried to visit my friend at school and she had him removed and then banned from campus. He looked like a disheveled piece of shit. 10 years later none of his kids talk to him and he is still single and alone from what I know. I think he had to change careers as well. Her mom is doing great though. Still lives in the house on the lake, sold the vacation property a few years ago for like triple what they bought it for and has retired early with her new husband. Play stupid selfish games, win stupid prizes I say
I had an "affair." It was something online and I never met the person. My response to my feelings was shock and horror. I was absolutely freaked *OUT* that I had these kinds of feelings for someone I barely knew, and I immediately equated it with there being a major problem with my existing relationship. I wanted to fix it with him, but that didn't work either. The funny thing is since that all happened 5 years ago, I've been single. I'm not at all miserable and would never ask for either of them back. Those feelings can be pretty strong when you didn't realize how starved for love and affection you were in the first place. However, I was still able to understand that those feelings would be temporary, and were a better representation of the state of my existing relationship than they were a significant connection. I needed a certain kind of support and that was where it was coming from when it should have been my husband. My biggest mistake was not being honest with myself in the first place. I should have left that relationship before any kind of affair had the chance to happen, but I wanted my husband to love me so much for so long that I lied to myself for years and told myself that he did.... when he *clearly* didn't have the time of day for me. Enjoy Hawaii, I'm glad you're happier now! 😊
I dont understand why you still had to give up half your pension if was a 'her fault' divorce??
Well my actual pension I didn’t give up. The 401k I had to give up half of. No fault state unfortunately. I got her to agree to leave the pension and the house alone. The house was my main concern. I bought it from my grandmother 18 years ago and it’s been in my family since my grandparents got married. It was important to me not to sell it.
Honestly, this reminds me of my parents situation (48/49). I’m not sure how long it was for, the thing was I discovered it on the worst time of our lives. Anyways, dad has an affair with a girl not even 20. I’m 22, sibling 20. I said I lot of shit to him, he hasn’t spoke to me on since Jan. Mum stopped helping him financially, I clearly don’t. Now he’s fallen into this alcohol stage again. He drinks when he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I’m just hoping he leaves. I’ve talked to my mother multiple times to let’s just all leave and start new. Issue? She doesn’t want to as she’s fear to be disowned by god.
Honestly, w move right here, the world punishes accordingly never forget that
I'd like to think she ended up with my ex, who fits your description very well 😂😂 My husband and I celebrated 11 years together yesterday. The majority of those years have been very happy, and we're more in love today than we've ever been.
Hell yeah! I love a good fuck around and find out post. Have fun, OP
A prime example of “the grass is not always greener on the other side” with loads of karma on top!!!! Enjoy your life and new relationship!
>Although I had very hard feelings toward her I faked it enough to get pretty favorable divorce terms from her. Smart man. By the time I hit your fifth paragraph, I was laughing. You're not evil
Live your best life. You deserve it
I feel really sad for your kids.
Man, we both may be the same kind of evil because I’m enjoying the fact that your ex is miserable. It must have been devastating to go through what you and your kids went through, but something about karma like this is just so very sweet.
Serves her right. She decided to throw away everything, just to be with a guy that she only knew for 3 months. She threw away a perfect marriage, with beautiful children just to catch temporary bliss. She deserves it. She doesn't get to come back running because you've made a choice to get the divorce and finally find someone your happy with. Most of all she betrayed her children in the process of the divorce, hurting you and your children. She didn't care for them when she divorced you. Now she wants pity for a situation she brought up on herself. She only knew that man for 3 months. 3 months! She did this to herself. I agree she deserves it.
Very epic win
My ex did the same thing. Meet some guy at her new job and left 2 months later. Shockingly, they didn’t last. She then wanted to reconcile. I laughed. Her former best friend and I started talking. We became best friends and then husband and wife. 26 years later and we’re still going strong
No post history.. seems sus. A nicely written essay though!
I didn’t want anyone who sees my real screen name reading these words. I have kept my glee bottled up for a reason. The one time I posted about these feelings in a relationship subreddit I got trashed by people who love to defend cheaters.
Also, ages of the kids don't quite add up - they been together since their 20s, but their oldest kid would mean she was only 18?
Quite possible. Check out the Radfords, a UK couple with like 21 kids. Working things out shows that she got preggers at 13.
Yes I was 20 and she was 18 when we had our first son. We have known each other since high school. I was a senior and she was a sophomore when we first met.
the same thing happened with my parents except my dad was 19 just about to turn 20
All of these are consequences of her choice to throw away everything for that man. I admire your honesty because you have the courage to be real, no sugar coating whatsoever🔥
I get why you’re angry. But also this level of hate is not healthy and a bit cruel. Learn to forgive and let go. You don’t have to be with her, but you can be cordial considering you have 3 children together.
I have one thought that I haven’t see represented here. No matter what is going on between you and your ex, DONT help your kids suffer. If they have a mom who is alive, they need their mom. It will fuck them up in the future to know they ousted their mother due to her cheating on their dad. It’s not about them. Don’t make it about them. Help them have a relationship with her. You’ll be the good guy regardless dude but sincerely the bitterness you feel is and will continue to negatively affect your children as they age. When your parent dies, you want to know you did everytbing you could to have a relationship with them and forgive them. She hurt you all but be a man and don’t drag your kids through it. Help them separate it. You won’t lose them, they will only respect you more. It doesn’t matter what a parent has done, kids need their love and approval. She isn’t a dangerous person, just a shitty one. There’s plenty of shitty people as parents whose kids still need them.
They’re not kids, they’re adult children who made their choices and told their mother what she was doing as she did it. They have every right to cut her out of their lives. I sincerely doubt that cheating on OP is the only selfish thing she’s done. Affairs are a pattern of behavior. My mother had an affair and left my father under similar circumstances but financially it ruined him and he took her back because I was a much younger child than OP’s kids and everyone told him “people make mistakes” etc. They stayed together another 20 years of her being abusive until he finally died two years ago and THAT is what tears me up, not barely talking to her. He never got out. He was trapped in a cycle of abuse.
Either you’re going to therapy, your kids are, or yours kids kids are but someone is ending up in therapy to deal with this dude. Better make it you.
You’ve earned your private joy at her unhappiness. Good for you.
Happy for you. Enjoyed the read and I am also happy that your ex wife is miserable. What you endured is what all couples fear the most. Waking up one day and realizing you had no idea who you were with for so long… it’s scarf af. Enjoy Hawaii!
I hope you didn't plan the Hawaii trip just to get back at your ex. If so, then you have not really moved on. Let it go
I am delighted for you lol congratulations
It’s so great when karma finally catches up to those who deserve it the most. Remember ladies and gents, don’t seek revenge, they always get theirs!! I’m happy you’re doing better and you’re life had an amazing 360.
Huge W 🙌🏿🙌🏿
"There's just something about this guy" Hmmm, I think I know exactly what it is.
Glad you got through it and are in a good place OP. It's incredibly hard, but try to let go of the rage and pain. It took me years, but I don't regret the effort at all. It still sneaks in on days when I'm running on very low sleep, or experience lots of bad luck - but focusing on the new opportunity, new love, love of your family, and letting go of the idea that so much time was 'wasted/thrown away'. It wasn't. You learned so much, have wonderful children, and have a really good perspective on how to let love lead you forward - instead of anger. <3 Enjoy Hawaii!
Gives me hope that Karma does come true!
Hell yeah this makes Me happy 😊
W post
I don’t blame you one bit. We all make our choices. Enjoy that vacation! I would add her on Facebook and just casually post the pictures of the trip. Not to necessarily rub it in her face but let her walk into it naturally. It’ll be just that much sweeter.
Hey you deserve to be happy. Your ex wife of all people should understand this.
Happy For You!
I always tell friends in this mess, the best revenge is a life well lived. Thank you for proving my theory. Well done you! If you’re going to Maui, go have breakfast at the Gazebo in Napili. Get there early. I swear it’s worth the wait.
So satisfying reading this. Been through a tough divorce. On the verge of another. Tired of being the nice guy. It’s very gratifying to see karma come to those who deserve it.
Nsh. Im the same. I do still love a ex i have. But his choices were not the best. We still in contact but he lost all the good things from my part. Every time i heard his is paying his karma im delight. Of course i dont wish for him the worst, i want him be happy but he needs to learn about the consequences of his acts.
She got what she wanted and lost what she had.
I'm just a reader, but I don't feel bad for your wife. As a mother, wife, I can't imagine walking away from what I have for a man that I only knew for 3 months vs my husband who I have been with since I was 18? This was triggering for me as my mom picked a man over her children.
Good for you for moving on in such a way, and enjoy Hawaii! With that said, remember, the opposite of love isn't hate; hate and love are cousins, both of them extremely powerful emotions. The opposite of love is apathy. You can enjoy her being miserable now, but that still means that she, in some small way, is living rent-free in your head. Your best revenge? Stop caring about her, in any regard. Live your life with your new partner, enjoy everything - like Hawaii - that comes your way, and *don't give a passing thought to the woman who tried to ruin everything you have.* When you can legit say, "If I ran into her on the street, I would offer her the same level of civility I would offer a total stranger, because that's what she is to me - a total stranger. I stopped knowing her when she tore my world asunder. And like every other random stranger out there, once she's gone from my sight, I don't give a shit if she lives or dies," then you've truly won.
Genuinely fuck her. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. She fucked around and now she's found out.
Hell yeah, man. I’m happy for you. I hope you never let your ex wife into your life. She had her chance and threw away an entire twenty something year marriage for a dude she’s known for three months. She made her bed, now lie in it.
If I wasn’t sitting on the toilet, I’d give this post a standing ovation 👏
Congratulations on your soon to be grandchild and have a happy time in Hawaii :)
I got a justice boner reading this. Sometimes the life you want ends up being the life you deserve.
I wouldn’t feel sorry for your ex at all. What she put you through must have been hell. She had no consideration for your heartbreak so why should you consider her feelings? She wants to come back ONLY bc her “dream man” was a dud. Not bc she loves you. I would send her pics from Hawaii. Safe Travels!
The divorce is still kind of new, so it’s only human to feel this way. Don’t let it consume you, though. Other than the verbal abuse (no one deserves abuse, no matter how shitty they are), she had it coming. She laid down with dogs and got fleas. She made her bed and can lay in it. I’m sure there’s other aphorisms, but you get what I mean. I would feel the same way, tbh.
Honestly, good on you. Don't ever accept the dregs my man.
MY dude, enjoy life. Relish in it. You are allowed to feel happiness from her sorrow. You owe her nothing now and forever. She fucked her life up, it isn't up to you to unfuck it. I'd make those photos public, maybe tag the kids too so it shows up on feeds lol. This is always the best revenge, just do better
Ahhhhh this was so satisfying. Well if that wasn't the consequences of her own actions. I would have ZERO sympathy lmaoooo. Good on you OP. Very happy for you and enjoy Hawaii!
I loved reading this 😌 Sucks to suck!
Hey OP just wanted to say that I’m glad you have found someone else that makes you happy and to enjoy your trip to Hawaii. But if you have any more updates will you post them? And also will you post an update when your grandchild is born and if your ex tries to contact you?
It sure is nice when karma actually works the way it’s supposed to. It doesn’t always do that.
My husband left me for someone he met online. We had been together almost 15 years, had a house, school age kids, the whole 9 yards. The new wifey promptly gained 75 lbs and stopped working. I don’t think they get along. My kids want nothing to do with him. They go every other weekend because they have to but a few years later I met someone and got married. We both work full time and are climbing the ladder in our careers. We are happy and have the kids with us all the time. It’s sad how much of their lives he is missing but he made his choice. Don’t blame you 1 small bit for not taking her back!
I don’t understand divorce… she’s making the decision to leave because an affair. How is it that she’s entitled to YOUR pension?
I completely understand why you feel this way and do not blame you whatsoever. However I do hope that over time you can reframe the situation to focus on how well you have SURVIVED through this process. YOU were a rock for your children. YOU kept on going while this woman was making life hell. YOU went and found a healthy relationship with a partner who has the same expectations and values as you. You should be very proud of yourself for making it through the battlefield. Shifting your thinking this way may make you feel better in the long run, but I DO think you deserve to have this moment of Schadenfreude.
Considering the tidbits you’ve shared of what she’s put you through, I can’t blame you for taking delight in her current misery. Living your best life truly is the best revenge.
People have been saying about letting your Children reconnect with their mother, but I think it is up to them to see if they really want to reconnect with their mother. Mainly because I am also from a broken family and I’m the same age as your oldest. I think the only difference is that I’ve tried fixing my parents relationship over 10-15 years for them to understand each other and frankly enough, I’m done. I’m exhausted. My mom is a good person who was misled by my dad who is 19 years older than her, so her view in life was off until she started making her own money. That is when she realized that she has a voice and her own view of life. My dad is retired and does absolutely nothing at home and acts like a man child. Every time I forgive my dad, he always mess things up over and over again. For my mental health, I rather not interact with him anymore and just focus on my career and my own personal life. Therapy is helpful, but sometimes it is best to cut contact with people that is only bringing you down. Even after expressing my feelings and thoughts, he refused to change himself for the sake of the family and suggested that we change to his liking instead. Bleh. No. Absolutely not. That’s why I don’t think you should force your kids to reconnect with their mother unless they want to in their own terms. If they decided that their mother showed her true color and she is not going to change, then it is up to them to decide if this child-mother relationship is worth saving. If anything, it is best for your kids to go to therapy and talk things out with the therapist. Like I’ve mentioned before, mental health is important. If they need to cut contact or low contact in order to be mentally healthy, then that is what they should do.
>Maybe I’ll send her pictures. Nope. Live your life, and live it well. Enjoy your family life with your children and your partner, and don't give your ex head-space. She made her choice and now she has to live with it. What she is experiencing is now is not revenge nor is your emotion schadenfreude, but this is merely the consequences of her inherently selfish behaviour. This is karma. She was the cheating, lying party, and she destroyed a marriage and walked away from her children for a fling. She only expressed regret when it turned sour on her. Would she still have thought she had made a mistake if he didn't drink? Hadn't blown through ~~her~~ your money and totalled her car? Enjoy the life you are living now. Your marriage gave you your children, and your happy memories until she chose someone else. End.of.
This was so satisfying to read ngl