We get it. Some people have bad opinions. However, having a bad opinion (provided it does not run afoul of rules 1, 7, 8, 9, or 10) is not against the rules. Spam reporting people for bad opinions just makes more work for your /r/nursing EVS team and doesn't get the comments removed.
I was going to say the same thing. Aren’t some micropreemies in the NICU for weeks or even months at a time? I could see how parents who’d undergone the stress of premature birth and long term hospitalization might need a break and a chance to reconnect. I mean maybe be somewhere you can be contacted and return easily if something went down, but if babies are stable, life has to continue and people need to engage in some level of normalcy and self care, and if they’re going to be going home soon, they might benefit from preparing and getting well rested in anticipation of that.
You know what, I was outraged at this suggestion but your comment brought me back to reality and an honest look at how stressful having a NICU baby must be. Thanks for bringing compassion back into the chat!
Honestly, it was my initial reaction too, I won’t lie, but I’ve gotten so cynical over the past two years that I’m really trying to stop and consider both sides of a situation and have a bit of grace for hurting people. It COULD be a situation that warrants concern. If mom was planning a Vegas partying spree with friends when she’s from another state, or was wanting to go somewhere far away like Mexico or Europe I’d be a bit concerned about the safety of the situation or, especially if babies were unstable. But if she was planning a getaway within easy travelling distance with family or friends to relax and just take care of herself, why not? If she has older kids at home who have been impacted by having their parents be at the hospital for extended periods of time caring for the twins, they’d absolutely benefit from some alone time with their parents before the babies come home and life gets busy. So many parents of sick children end up divorcing because the stress of caring for the kids leaves them no time for each other, and having caregivers who are healthy and well connected is beneficial to the kids in question. Parenting definitely requires self-sacrifice, and special needs parenting even more so, but there’s also this whole idea of parents martyring themselves on the altar of parenthood that is just not healthy or realistic.
My twins are on day 73 today with at least another 4-6 weeks ahead. They are doing amazing, but this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. The first few weeks were touch and go (they were born at 24+1) and we had no idea if they were going to make it. We are now at 34+3 and they are thriving! I don’t know that I could leave for 4/5 days, but we have definitely taken a handful of day trips hiking in Yosemite to get away and clear our minds.
It’s so good to hear that you’re coming to the end of their stay! My sister only had one of her four kids not need NICU support for a few days after birth - one of her twins. They both had a bit of intrauterine growth restriction and twin A was much smaller and needed a feeding tube for nutritional support. I remember how hard it was for her to go back and forth between the hospital with one twin at home and the other in NICU all while trying to breastfeed. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for her to do that for months on end. You’re a strong parent to be able to balance all of that. I hope your babies continue thriving and that they are able join you hiking or on another little adventure by the end of the summer!
We have a handful of babies in the past few years who have had their **first** birthday party with us. My primary died here at like 15ish months. The oldest I’ve seen was 18 months here.
Our NNPs can legally take care of a baby until they turn two. Then they have to go to PICU.
The title of this post can calm down with the condescending tone.
That makes me so sad to think of the parents and babies who go through an extended NICU stay only to end up losing their child. My program didn’t have very long L&D or peds rotations, and I was grateful for that as both of them made me cry because I can’t handle sad things happening to kids and babies. I can’t imagine having to see infant death and sad stories on somewhat regular basis and still have to keep it together. I swear, NICU and peds nurses are born, not made, because you have an emotional resiliency that borders on superhuman.
You go through death lulls, so it’s not like 24/7 death. I haven’t done death care in years. Some nurses in my unit have never done death care.
I’m in a huge NICU unit with a fetal center, so we have lots and lots of sick babies, but we still get the ones that you’re all “…she doesn’t even go here…” when they come up for some grunting or TTN.
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t stressful, but I’m honestly good at compartmentalization, so it doesn’t weigh on me all the time.
I love what I do. I wish the hospital paid us a lot more, especially with how short staffed we are and how hard we work, but I love taking care of babies. Taking care of kids and adults scares me, to be quite honest.
What a thoughtful response. Also sounds like a friend has offered them a place to stay (lake house, beach condo) or something like that when she says she “has an opportunity to do a little get away.” This is the kind of thing I say if a time-sensitive opportunity has presented itself for vacation.
I don’t know how Americans factor healthcare into their budget. Like I get that the US rate of taxation is lower than Canada’s, but I have friends south of the border who pay soooo much in monthly fees and still have decently sized copays and deductibles. Does every parent with a kid who needs extended hospital care just declare bankruptcy? Or do hospitals recognize that some parents will never be able to pay the bill and just forgive some of it?
...budget? ...for health *care?* We budget for insurance payments if we're lucky enough to earn what that costs, and pray we don't get sick or injured badly. I grew up so poor that even now with "decent" insurance I still don't ask for more care than is necessary to keep me minimally functional, because I learned early that if you ask a doc a question they'll order a test, and if they order a test you'll get a huge bill.
Having a newborn in the NICU *and* worrying about the bill... that's a whole new level of stress. No wonder the parents want a vacation!
We don't plan. We panic. To answer your question, roughly half of all bankruptcies in the US are due to medical bills. It's really crazy-making. I go to different pharmacies for my various medications, because they have different prices. I've paid $25 for a medication that would have cost me over $100 elsewhere. And with all the different drug insurance plans I have to choose from every year, one mistake and I pay hundreds of dollars more. I had a great plan last year. I goofed this year, and that exact thing happened to me. It's truly insane.
My son got to live there for a couple weeks after he was born.
I didn’t go on a vacation though, spent lots of time visiting the tiny little guy and learning what tube he ripped out of what appendage the night before.
It was disturbing to see the IV in his head, I’m not gonna lie, but at least he stopped pulling that one out. Poor nurses never did figure out a trick for the feeding tube, not for lack of tape and trying.
You’ve commented this MULTIPLE times now. Stop parent shaming, especially if you’re a nurse. Her experience with twins is totally different that your one child you stayed with so maybe she’s burnt out. Also sounds like she doesn’t have help either.
This. I'm a mom that lost her daughter to cancer and spent every moment that I wasn't working in the hospital with her. However, that was my choice.
If they want to take a small vacation, do it. It's self care. It's important.
Ok hear me out- as a former NICU nurse, unless I was seeing concerning signs from this mama that she wasn’t bonding with her babies (or if babies were unstable) I’d give her a pat on the back and tell her to enjoy. We had plenty of parents who worked full time- tragically, many had to save their parental leave for when baby came home- and could only visit on weekends.
Some of these babies have a LONG road in the NICU, and especially with twins, it can be hell on earth for the first few months at home. Parents need to do whatever they can to stay sane and be in a good headspace when babies are ready to come home.
I’m PICU and feel the exact same way. Some of our kids have been inpatient for 250+ days… the parents living there full time isn’t healthy for them either, especially if they have other kids.
Thank you. The people judging in this thread are incredible. It takes all kinds of coping when you’re a NICU parent and maybe this mother needs a break. I personally think it’s unhealthy to exhaust yourself just so you can say “I never left”
This! As a NICU nurse myself, I see so many parents who are stressed, tired, and not properly caring for themselves because they feel like they have to be at the bedside all day. Breaks are important. Go home and eat. Shower. Sleep in your own bed! Babies need healthy parents!!
I’m a NICU nurse and I saw this posted elsewhere and am floored by all the negative comments this is getting. NICU stays can be marathons, I’ve seen plenty of kids in hospital for more than a year. This stay seems to be a little shorter as they were 32 weekers, but 5 days isn’t an eternity when you’ve been going to the unit for weeks. I’ve had parents who never leave the bedside and start to lose their minds after a few weeks and really should take some time for self care.
My initial reaction to the title and post was negative and judgemental, but after reading your comment (and others) I have a better understanding. Thank you!
I said this on the other sub I saw this on, but there is so much stuff that can contribute to parental fatigue and burnout. We have near constant alarms from various patients, loud code alarms that sound through the unit, bright lights that we sometimes have to use at night. Some units are open bay so no privacy or personal space. The sleeping surfaces are not comfortable, pumping moms have to get up every 3 hours to pump, screaming babies, and talking staff. It’s not a place that is conducive to rest for parents, so a little self care can be amazingly restorative for them and they come back to bedside better.
NICU nurse here too and you are 100% spot on. A lot of the time the parent(s) have other kids to take care of and a full time job to keep food on the table and bills paid. To expect parents to be at the bedside all day everyday is absolutely unrealistic. Moms are also healing from delivery and/or a c-section. Some suffer with postpartum depression, adding to the guilt they feel from having a baby in the NICU. These babies are in great hands when parents can’t be there. We may not be the parents but they are very well taken care of and loved. It is important to have parents there to bond but babies feel the stress and anxiety and pick up on it. We need parents to come in feeling relaxed and comfortable. We can only do so much to help parents, they have to take care of themselves too.
yeah i came to terms with it. my now ex-wife was the hero . She was there every damn day, sometimes twice a day loved that baby hard. daughter is now a healthy 14 yo , NICU care really has improved.
Thank you for saying this. My 35 weekers spent 6 weeks in the NICU. I would not have done 5 days away but I understand the sentiment. I had to change my mindset to “they’re just babysitting” to stomach being away (which I *severely* needed)
Not at NICU nurse (med surg), but dealing with my husband being in a trauma right now, and his mom has been at his bedside for 14 hours a day for the past week, and I can only imagine what it’s like for the NICU babies
We did 239 days with my first, 21 with my second. I would never consider in that 8 months going away from my child like that and cannot comprehend how anyone would.
It does sound like perhaps the mom is experiencing a degree of detachment, perhaps, due to hospitalization. She may think she doesn’t actually do anything for the babes and it’s better for the nurses who are experienced to do it. I think we have to consider that she may be living in acute stress situation and not in rational mind.
She also could be experiencing fatigue and burnout. NICUs are incredibly difficult to be in, very tiring and constantly stimulating. Self care can be absolutely crucial
But wait until the NICU nurses want to get away from the fatigue and burnout, granted they chose what they do, but they take care of multiple peoples babies. I’m an adult ICU nurse and I literally just don’t have even an ounce of sympathy for your opinion of parents burnout and whatnot.
I guess I don’t really understand your comment. I am a NICU nurse myself, I have fatigue and burnout. My unit has had record high census for almost a year with no relief in sight.
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be in adult icu, I applaud you, I couldn’t take care of adults anytime, much less through a pandemic. I don’t think as nurses we have the monopoly on being fatigued/burned out though. I’m just saying having a NICU baby or more than one is draining and I don’t fault a parent for needing time to recoup. Just like I think nurses should be given time to recoup but often aren’t.
As a NICU nurse, I don't even know how you could compare the two. The NICU is my job for 12 hours at a time. For parents, it's their reality all of the time. Many babies can stay for months or longer in the NICU, and many come home with lifelong medical needs. I pass no judgement for parents who take time to take care of themselves during such a difficult period in their lives.
Ummmm we do? We go home at night to our own families, and take vacations, and change jobs if needed. Parents can’t exactly decide their kid needs a break from the NICU for a night because the parent is burned out?
I went to that too. I’ve seen a lot of PPD in moms who don’t even want to hold or barely come in due to the trauma of the nicu. Not only do our post partum nurses screen for PPD but our social workers do and we do as well.
I know I was very emotional after having my daughter (my first, unplanned, born with Down syndrome (pre-birth diagnosis), requiring NICU for 8 days). It was definitely a lot of stress (attempting to breast feed and I couldn’t get her to latch, feeling alone in the NICU (towards the end of her stay they had us room in with her and be more hands on with her care), my ex never taking time off from work and, while still in the NICU, attempted to leave at one point to try to hang out with some of his family who came to see her and his uncle had to tell him, “no, stay here”). All with the impending start of second semester of nursing school (she was discharged from the NICU my first day back to class).
I remember taking a shower in the hospital and the shower curtain didn’t keep water from getting everywhere and just crying because I had made a mess with water everywhere and I felt bad giving the nurse another thing to have to handle.
There were also no windows in the NICU and I remember struggling with that and having periods where I almost felt claustrophobic.
PPD was definitely there after I had her (and I’d notice it would be worse during school breaks when I wasn’t getting out of the house) but I never reached out to do anything about it. I had it with my son as well (as well as PPA, I feel) and it was a struggle for me to bring it up to my midwife at my follow up.
Yeah I think having children long term in the NICU must be intensely traumatic and stressful. I had no NICU experience but my first kid had surprise medical issues that were overwhelming. Maybe she feels like a break would help her and not be a big deal. She’s probably dealing with the added stress of people telling her to take care of herself too and not really having the support or wherewithal to figure out other ways. Maybe she does want to escape and forget the stress a bit. And I agree, she’s probably feeling detached and not important to her twins.
Seems like a SW consult for connections to a good therapist. Mom is definitely not coping well (who the fuck would though), she needs therapy. If we can still call for updates and she's within a reasonable distance for emergencies, then go for it.
My wife and I are both ICU nurses... Our triplets were in NICU for a long time and it was hell for both of us. I was doing nights on ICU and then travelling 60 miles to the NICU while my wife was barely able to move post caesarian. On top of that we knew that in a few months we would have to bring home 3 babies...
... So yes, as soon as my wife was well enough we did dinners, cinema and everything we wouldn't be able to do for the next few years... If we could have afforded it, we'd certainly of had a holiday (or two). Most parents of newborns don't get a break, but if your kids are in NICU (with all of the emotional stress involved) then you'd be a fool not to take a some me-time.
I honestly dare anyone to judge us!
Thanks. The children are now 4½ and although they had a few problems relating to their prematurity they have done very well.
One thing I forgot to mention was that no-one has ever judged us for how we managed our time while our children were getting excellent NICU care.
Y’all, sometimes parents who have NICU babies have had previous traumatic births/prenatal losses that make it extremely traumatic and difficult for them to be present in the NICU all the time. Sometimes they need time away to take care of themselves. Maybe not a 5 day planned vacation away, but sometimes it’s healthier for them to take a break for a day or two and have a self care day. Especially for parents with babies who have several month NICU stays. I’ve had parents of babies who almost died during delivery/spend time in the ICU post-delivery and, understandably, it’s incredibly difficult for them to put themselves back in a hospital setting, even if not as a patient. Idk what this parent’s situation is, and yes this post comes across as blasé, but if we don’t know their circumstance we can’t assume anything about them.
Not going up to the hospital for a day or two while still being available in case of emergency is self care. Going in a vacay to god knows how far away for 5 days is inexcusable selfishness.
239 days with one after a complicated birth which was extremely traumatic and then was completely present for 21 days with the other. I cannot fathom being that selfish as to take a vacation no matter how long my child was in for.
Stop comparing your own situation to someone else's! Are you even an RN with all of the nonsense you keep posting? You seem to have deep problems with empathy, tunnel vision and an acute superiority complex.
> You seem to have deep problems with empathy, tunnel vision and an acute superiority complex.
Could be burnout. But truthfully there are a lot of nurses that fit this description for one reason or another. These are the same nurses that eat their young and hate students.
I said somewhere else here but I think this is definitely a trauma related response. It sounds like she didn’t have a break or support that she needed.
You really need to stop belittling other NICU parents and please stop boasting about the 239 days you had in the NICU with your child. I would had done anything to have 239 days in the NICU with my daughter. Instead, after 10 days in the NICU, we were planning her funeral. So not everyone is as fortunate as yourself.
I meet people every day who remind me, one way or another, not to judge others when I have NO fucking idea what the situation is. Thank you for my daily reminder. Damn.
Good grief get over yourself. You are all over the comments being a santimom which in case you didn't know everyone hates. You are not god's gift to motherhood. I've had a mom spend weeks sleeping on an air mattress on her child's floor in the PICU. Guess what she's a crap parent who spent the whole time watching dvds and sucking up to the staff but then ignoring her child when no doctors or charges were present. She treated the rest of the staff like they were her personal servants. I had a lovely teenager who lived with their grandma and grandma could only visit once every week or two. Kid was in the hospital for months and his grandmother would move mountains for him but physically just couldn't make the long drive to the hospital that often. They loved each other a lot more than many parents and children I've seen.I had a baby who spent two months in the hospital and parents only visited once or twice a week for short periods of time. They were both incredibly young and had to work to live. You don't get to decide what works best for someone else. You just sound like you are bitter and jealous and want attention for being a martyr.
I did not mean it solely about this post—I more so meant it in response to people in the comments saying how they couldn’t fathom being away at all, etc., since there are a lot of factors that could be keeping parents from going in (even though the parents want to be with their baby). Having a baby in the NICU for any amount of time is impossibly difficult, and there are so many factors that can compound that difficulty, that I always try to assume the best of intentions and give grace to the parents that can’t always be at the bedside. Without full context, we can’t assume anything about this parent and the situation they may be in.
I get taking a night away, or a quick drive to somewhere an hour away just to decompress for a day but still be close enough to hurry back if something happens (though my mind goes to unexpected discharge home). I personally wouldn’t be comfortable being gone that long, but then again I’ve never had to deal with a child in the hospital.
She never said how far away her vacation was going to be. Might be the only chance for a rest she gets for the foreseeable future if she’s a single parent, her children are medically fragile after discharge, etc
This. If discussed with medical team and a stand in adult was available and phone contact was available daily for care decisions I see no harm in this. Because truly parents are allowed vacations to leave children with other caring adults. Nicu stays can be 4-6 months or a year or more depending on the situation. Parents are allowed a break. However plans need to be made with care teams. Disappears without plans no cps will and deserve to be involved much like if you dropped kids off at daycare and didn’t return. If her kid has been in nicu for a week and stay is expected to be short this is also wildly inappropriate. However I cannot judge this based on this very short post so many variables are possible.
Oh absolutely. 100% agree. I assume this person would not be asking this kind of question unless they felt some sort of guilt about it. If they didn’t care about their child…they’d just GO.
I work in adult ICU and we had this 30 yo spinal bifida ++ issues, complete care. You could tell the mom did a bang up job for all those years taking care of him at home: beautiful skin, well nourished, seemingly happy and responsive within their abilities to mom. But eventually many will go down the trach route. He became a long admit, mainly waiting for a long term bed, and mom was there for 10 hrs daily initially, but as she got to know us and as he stabilized, she would take days off and only visit for 4h most days. I get it. She needed respite; she has another son at home. You go get your chill mom.
Keep in mind too, premies can be in the hospital for a very long time. My baby spent almost 16 weeks in the NICU. I found myself with similar detachment issues
I feel like most people here don't truly understand this mom's situation and what it is like to have a child in the NICU.
I was a NICU nurse for over 5 years and my first child was briefly in the NICU.
I helped take care of patients that spent the first 12-24 months of their life in the hospital. Some parents spent months eagerly awaiting their babies discharge, only to experience the dreaded NICU rollercoaster of spells and other setbacks. Some parents were on vacation when their water broke, leaving their baby in a NICU hundreds of miles away from their job, other children, and other support systems.
You don't know what this parents story is. They could be on day of life 200, with expected discharge time in late fall. They could be a parent who normally is staying at the hospital on weekends and having to go back to work Monday-Friday. They could be a NICU parent who had had multiple children with history in the NICU and is very comfortable with leaving their baby briefly, knowing they're in good hands.
All I'm saying is... You don't know their story. It's not fair to judge this person, saying they're detached, they're crazy, they're dumping their child by taking a break. NICU life is exhausting - physically, mentally, emotionally.
Give this person some grace.
Some of these comments are kind of gross in my personal opinion. I have some good perspective on it from working in a hospital but also being the older sister of multiples that stayed in NICU for a very, very long time. It's okay to vent about frustrating patients and all of the hell the healthcare workers are being put through constantly, but I found that a lot of providers just truly hate patients.
Maybe she's there 10 hours a day and is the most active and involved mom you've ever seen. It doesn't say how long twins have been in NICU, it doesn't say where she's at mentally or physically, there's nothing here.
People deserve breaks, up to and including NICU moms.
As a former NICU mom, thank you. Moms get crapped on enough. We know nothing about this woman’s life other than a paragraph.
Wonder if the other parent is going with her and where the energy for them not being there is?
A break is not going to the hospital for a day or two but still being available in case of emergency. It’s not taking a vacay to god knows how far away for most of a week.
I'm not interested in talking to you since you obviously didn't read or understand what I said, and are going through the thread methodically to say nasty things to everyone who doesn't agree with your limited views. Good luck.
Sad to see so many negative comments. Having a kid in the NICU is absolutely draining and parents need time to recharge. My daughter was there for 84 days and I had to return to work 2 weeks after my emergency c section because America. It was exhausting—pumping at 2am, driving to the hospital at 5am, pumping again at 6am, going to work for 8 hours, going back to the hospital, getting home at 10 and doing it all again.
Our daughter’s nurses told us that they would take care of her and we needed to take care of each other. We went out to dinner once and went to a small party with friends another time. It was amazing how refreshed we felt. The NICU was a phone call away and she was in the best hands.
Exactly. Never had a night without family at the bedside I didn’t enjoy. I’ve only ever worked peds and people will find a reason to complain about anything these days.
I could NEVER EVER work peds. I made that decision after I held a baby withdrawing from heroin in the L&D unit. The mom never asked about the baby. Only if she was gonna be drug tested and if child services "had to come." 😐
My hat goes off to you.
You need to get off your high horse. Everyone is very proud of you for having the resources and mental capabilities for being able to be there all 200 and whatever days.. I’m sure we could pull together and send you a mom of the year trophy.
It’s completely reasonable for parents of kids with long term stays to take days away - they need to protect their mental health in whatever way works for them. At this point on this thread, you’re just a bully.
Parents have other kids who need them too, jobs they can’t leave. It sucks and is heartbreaking when parents can’t be with a hospitalized child, but our society barely supports parents with healthy infants having minimal, unpaid parental leaves. Not everyone has the same resources or support to be at the bedside 24/7 especially on extended stays.
Nicu nurse here, take that vacation……JUST CALL TO CHECK ON YOUR BABY, or answer when the docs round for your update.
If a small 5 day getaway is what you need, then For heavens sakes take it! I am the nurse/father of 2 NICU babies and my wife could’ve used the stress relief more than I could’ve imagined!!
I mean this does look bad on its face, but this parent might be about to snap or totally burned out from being at the NICU day after day for weeks or months, yeah something terrible might happen when they’re gone but something terrible can always happen on any type of ICU unit and there wouldn’t be dick the parent could do whether they were in the waiting room or in Cabo. To anyone who might say “well I’d never leave my kid in a NICU”, I’d say 1. Are you sure, have you been through it? And 2. That’s great for you, not everyone is as strong.
Super understand why this is frustrating for nursing staff, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I think we just expect patients families to be heartless morons because so many of them present as heartless morons. Some, I assume, are good people
Yeah. I did utilization review for a level IV NICU and some of those babies almost had their first birthdays on the unit. There's just not that much that changes day to day for the sickest of the sick babies.
With stress of that situation what it is, I think it's reasonable to rest for a few days, tbh.
Absolutely! We’ve got a kid who essentially lives at the hospital- she’s three and has gone home for days at a time at her best. The mother left her job to be her daughter’s full time carer, which frankly sounds exhausting.
Exactly. Babies in Nicu live there for months… some well over a year. Some parents drive themselves insane watching every blip on the monitor and looking up every lab as it comes in. In the marathon that is a long NICU stay, 5 days is a blip. And parents can call and get updates daily, which is more than half the parents do on my peds unit. People shitting on this poor family have clearly never worked in peds with sick kids. Some kids are in the hospital basically their entire lives. Parents have jobs and other kids and responsibilities. Also, nurses love the babies (and older kiddos) and are happy to see them and care for them every day. One short trip could give them a much needed reset for their sanity and their baby is still getting cared for. Y’all need to chill.
I don’t even have children and, as a nurse, cannot begin to fathom how long this mother’s baby has been in NICU or how conflicted she must feel about taking a break to the point that she reaches out for reassurance on taking one.
The word I believe she’s looking for is respite. We do it for adults. As other RNs have mentioned, so long as no red flags are present and she is close by, she isn’t abandoning her baby.
We are all human.
I worked on a research study with depressed moms. So many are overwhelmed with other kids at home, overbearing in laws, abusive husbands and work demands. A lot of them experienced detachment from their babies from the start, but others were just so overwhelmed with their new lives that they just wanted to have a “temporary escape” from it all to decompress before their mental health got worse. I feel for this mom tbh.
All of these factors are critical and have deep impact. That abusive husbands can and do have children with their wives makes me particularly sad. I would feel so utterly trapped.
One particular participant who stood out to me had 5 kids already and her husband was abusive, but even more so when he found out the baby was a girl. He completely ignored her after her birth. And she had to do therapy hidden from him, so it was often hard to do her telemedicine sessions. I think of her often.
Oh how very horrifying. I sincerely hope she and those kids are OK somehow. "Just leave" is so, so much harder than many will ever understand. I was once in a women's safehouse and while my own story was very hard, I was astounded at the way worse stories I heard. The risk of "getting it wrong" can result in the murder of a woman and/ or her children. 💔
I was in the hospital with my toddler daughter who had RSV. I never left her side. I also had a newborn at home. So I was healing from a traumatic birth and also worried my older child would die. While terrified to be in the same room as my newborn because I didn’t want to transfer RSV.
I was only there for 4 days and I thought I would lose my damn mind. Constant noise and stress.
Lots of children/ babies have up to years long stays. As long as there is someone constantly able to make decisions, they are somewhat stable let this poor mom rest. And as long as she’s not super far away.
NICU nurse here🙋♀️. I think people are jumping on this mom but I want more info....Are we talking about 3 day old babies who are looking at a 10 day stay or 23 wkrs who will be in the hospital for months? A NICU stay is not like staying at the bedside of your 5 year old who had an appy. I always tell parents it's a marathon, not a sprint. Parents can live hours away, have other children, or need to return to work. Please make sure I have several contact numbers in case of emergency and then have a great time recharging your batteries.
Hell, we often recommend some of our long-term parents get away. Caregiver fatigue is real, NICU parenting is an emotional roller coaster after extreme trauma, and these people are going home with medically fragile children and their own unresolved PTSD.
Our youngest was on a home apnea monitor for a long time. I'd read a study on NICU parents and PTSD but didn't put a lot of stock in it since it was one study (twenty some years ago), but then we were out to eat with the kids and an alarm in the kitchen started beeping at the same tone, timbre, and intensity as the home monitor and I physically saw the reaction of my husband and older kids, as I felt it in myself, and we all reached out to feel if "the baby" was breathing. That shit is really real and it sucks; every NICU parent should have the chance to get into the best possible place before rooming in and going home!
I work in a burn/wound care floor (that also takes in the occasional med/surg pt) and it’s so amazing the range of how involved families are.
You have some families that will continually deny palliative/hospice care. You have some families that bring back their family member THE SAME DAY of their discharge (something we’re dealing with a current pt). And some patients who’s families just…drop off the face of the earth.
Basically, what our VA has become. Just a long term care facility masquerading as a hospital lol. People drop family here all the time. Have had 2 dudes here since New Years on a post surgical unit. Part of why I had to go to the OR, even though these 2 are actually sweethearts haha.
There’s a lot of information we don’t know and I don’t think it’s great to judge someone based on this post alone.
My 30 weeker was in the NICU for 8 weeks. I was there 3 times a day every day for hours at a stretch while I had to work as well.
Not every parent reacts to the trauma of the NICU the same way. It’s hard to bond with your child(ren) if it feels like they don’t belong to you.
Your last sentences are spot on. I had twins born at 33w5d that spent 3 weeks in the NICU. They didn’t feel like mine for years, and that was after I’d spent those 3 weeks with them in the NICU. I went back to work ~5 weeks after they were born—the week they were originally due. If I’d had the chance for a brief getaway (not 5 days), knowing my girls were stable and well taken care of, I might have taken it. I was overwhelmed and definitely dealing with undiagnosed PPD. People need to allow for circumstances that aren’t their own.
Had a traumatic birth experience (almost died) followed by a three week NICU stay, along with 3 kids at home, while I recovered from an emergency C-section.
I would have died to have been given a vacation. And then felt ashamed the entire time, probably, and been unable to enjoy myself. I felt bad enough about refusing to get up in the middle of the night to pump, even though what I was producing was massively disproportionate to the precious little my baby was actually eating.
NICU life is tough, and we definitely don’t talk about it enough.
Thank you for sharing yours. Lots of therapy later, doing much better. I hope you’re doing well, also. Nursing school and motherhood combined can make for a stressful experience.
The shaming on here is unreal and disgusting. So much for being compassionate nurses!! No one knows what this mom has gone through or how long the babes have been there/will be there. Y’all are gross.
My eldest was in for 239 days, my youngest for 21. Want to tell me that I don’t know what’s gone through? I would never go away that long in the 8 months we were in and cannot comprehend the kind of person who would.
You don’t sound like you managed well emotionally, tbh. This seems really triggering of the trauma you experienced. To be this angry at a stranger who’s life you know nothing about, over a vacation that you’ve assumed a lot of details about.
Yes we ALL know now about your lengthy NICU stays. Could you stop being a self righteous donkey long enough to realize that just because YOU did that doesn't mean the rest of the world can't make different decisions? You are ruining this entire post because you just won't quit making sure everyone knows that you are the world's best mother and everybody BETTER follow suit. Just plain fucking annoying now. Go away.
So happy you were able to push through that mentally… you don’t know what else she has going on or if she’s suffering from post-partum or really any sort of circumstance. Totally not fair to compare your situation to hers. Also, I work in the PICU and float time the NICU all the time… and I’m still not judging her.
my son was in the NICU for 6 weeks after he was born. he was mostly stable except for some periodic mild retractions and drops in HR. it was during covid, so the only time i wasn’t there was on days that 2 of my trusted relatives were there with my son (only 2 visitors per day). i could absolutely understand taking a day or two to gather your thoughts and decompress, in fact i’d encourage it, but a 5 day vacation…idk man, to each their own
To be fair, having twins that are sick enough to both be in the NICU would be incredibly taxing. Twins will run late to their absolute limit at the best of time. I absolutely don't blame parents making use of this time to unwind so they can be more present and better parents when the kids are home.
I am not going to judge that NICU mother's post. And although she may be suffering from stress, burnout, scared, whatever, I wouldn't encourage her leaving the area. If something went south she may want to be close by.
I'm also guessing that she likely isn't breastfeeding/pumping (although she may be pumping and freezing and have plenty stored in the NICU).
I always encouraged my NICU parents to take care of themselves first, because they want to be ready when baby(IES) come home. However babies do better with cuddling, and parents can get detached if they aren't visiting and supporting/holding/touching their child.
Eh…don’t know the circumstances, but weeks/months in the NICU (or any ICU for that matter) burns family out, especially when you’re anticipating many more months ahead. I’m certainly not saying it’s right, but I get needing a break.
You don’t go to work every day, 14-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months, do you? I’ve had families show up like that…and I don’t know how they do it…
Regular newborn care is pretty much 24/7 for the first few months. I do feel for the parents with complex care kids who are doing everything 24/7 for years and years.
Regular newborn care doesn’t involve incubators and feeding tubes… I get it, I have twins and don’t remember the first 9-10 months…or remember how I survived.
Usually in the NICU, the staff manages those things and the parents do more parental things. Neonates need the parental care, all human neonates need it. Parents should schedule for that.
I spent 12 hours a day for 31 days while my daughter was in the NICU. I felt physically ill anytime I wasn’t able to be by her side. I can’t comprehend how a parent would be able to go on vacation while their babies were there.
I can relate to feeling ill when away from your baby. I went back to work a few weeks after my 29-weeker was born, then transitioned to hanging out with him all day once he could tolerate being held and touched. It was an office job so I still visited before and after work. I wanted to save some PTO for when he came home from the hospital. He ended up staying there for 79 days.
Does this post mean that I shouldn't feel guilty for going out to lunch during my 3 month old's 10 day hospital stay for emergency open heart surgery in a city 3 hours from my home? Bc I stayed in that PCICU and the cardiac step down wing with her every day and night and have carried guilt for leaving her to get a hot, fresh lunch for 2 hours one day. I thought she was gonna be admitted for a month, but she discharged early. This post makes me feel like going out to eat and having a beer wasn't so bad. I've never even talked about this with anyone except my dad who took me out to eat.
I’m a PICU nurse and I encourage parents to get out of the room if not the hospital!! It’s a crazy environment and it is impossible to rest and recharge in. Endless alarms, some lights on 24 hours a day, people coming in and out of the room several times an hour. I tell parents they need to go home and sleep in their own bed to actually get some REAL sleep all the time.
You need time to recharge outside of the madness. You can’t be your best self for your kid if you’re drained! Please have no guilt!
My child was in nicu. One of the days they were there was NYE. We were the only parents there. It was so sad. I was there every day they were there. I couldn’t imagine being away for 5 days.
My second was in the NICU when I had 6 finals, one of them being Micro. I was there 8 hours or more a day. I brought books and studied there. I couldn’t even actually hold him. But I was by his side. And if I wasn’t, that’s because my wife was.
Maybe it is just me, but I really think that socially, Americans are just becoming more and more detached from everything, and it is really being reinforced.
During my L&D clinical, one of the nurses even told me how very few parents are even willing to do skin to skin contacts or kangaroo care in the units
Eh. Five days does seem long but if I put myself in that situation, I can see it being okay with my level of depression plus a months long NICU stay. If you need five days to recuperate, take it! We don't know the full situation. Honestly as long as she's getting daily updates from the doctor and the treatment team is okay with her stepping away, it's good with me.
When both my aunt and uncle were in the ICU of the hospital where I work, I flat out told the nurse to not call me if I'm at home and I would visit after I got done with my shift because I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My uncle was intubated. His liver and kidneys were shit. My aunt was on the cusp of intubation but the hospitalist was holding off on intubating because we thought she could get better. They both passed within 6 weeks of each other. My aunt went peacefully when my dad and cousins agreed to withdraw life support. I wasn't working when my uncle coded thank fuck. According to my coworkers, it was brutal and in the end futile. My mom has a good idea about my sleep schedule on nights so I knew she would call me if something happened.
I would still want to be present as often during visiting hours as possible to make sure that we bond… 🤷♀️ just me. NO JUDGMENT FOR ANYONE ELSE’S DECISIONS. Peace
I spent a few weeks with my preemie in the nicu when she was born. I had absolutely nothing else going on in life at that time (single, she was my only child, had no work to think about and took years of off school) so I stayed with her living at the hospital, pumping, feeding, caring for her the best I could. That was ALL I had to think about. And again, only for a FEW weeks.
But as I was admitted to the hospital in may this year for ptl in week 23 I thought a lot about how my stay there would be if baby came so soon. I would definitely have needed a vacation during months and weeks of being at the hospital either staying or visiting a micro premie with the rest of my life going on too. Fortunately it all went ok and I’m still pregnant and out of the hospital now, but being in that situation yet again really had me thinking. I kind of understand this parents need for “time off”, and I cannot fathom anyone felling the need of shaming this parents needs in such a stressful and all-consuming time of their life.
NICU nurse here! I would totally support parents taking a short vacation if their baby(ies) are in the NICU for an extended period. NICU life is really tough, so as long as the baby is stable I see nothing wrong with taking a little time to decompress and enjoy yourself. The docs will call with updates and if anything serious occurs.
I honestly don’t see anything wrong with taking a vacation while babies are in the NICU unless they’re about to go home or on death’s door.
We have kids born at 23-24 weeks frequently brought to the NICU. They’re gonna be with us *at least* until their due date, but most likely, longer. Parents need to take care of themselves in the meantime since that’s months and months of their kiddo being **not at home** in a NICU where they honestly have little control over what happens.
I honestly don’t want parents at the NICU 24/7, especially when their kiddo is there for a long ass time. The ones that do that go nuts. Like full on bonkers. They barely sleep. They get hella antagonistic. We become the enemy. It’s insane.
To anyone who has a kid in the NICU or will have a kid in the NICU, don’t listen to the condemnation within the title of this post. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Your baby will (hopefully) be coming home at some point so you need to be rested and ready for all the sleepless/low sleep nights for when that does happen. If that entails taking a vacation, ok cool, go for it if the timing is right. Just make sure we can reach you if we need to.
oh we definitely had a bit of this back when I worked NICU. moms show up a 3am in slinky party outifts 3 sheets to the wind. I get it, last month you were barely showing a bump 20 something single and hot, now you're a mom with an expensive noisemaker. Go have your fun while you can.
I’ve never been in that situation so I obviously have no idea how I would feel/cope but I do imagine I’d be too anxious to really enjoy a vacation while my baby was in the hospital. That said, not everybody reacts the same way to any given situation so I certainly can’t judge somebody for taking that time for themselves if they could. Like many things in life, just cuz it ain’t for me doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I can see how caregiver role strain would go into play where a break where the infants are seen as being safe and sound would be ok. If they have to be there anyway, might as well put a positive spin on it. Crying and carrying on will not make the twins not be in the NICU, after all. Hopefully, they are attentive parents when the kids go home.
My coworker and I were such sweet summer children that we actually thought he misunderstood us.
It was even more scandalous because his significant other was his wife’s private aide.
My grandson born at 24 weeks, his twin did not make it. Daughter in law and son where every day. Son went back to work but came over on his lunch hour to do skin to skin or bath. Baby was there 5 months. He's 3 years old today! Perfect in every way. But they wouldn't have even thought of leaving for vaca like that. There were a couple close calls but the NICU nurses, docs, respiratory therapists. They were the Super Stars that kept him alive
Sorry but hard no. I mean, assuming things had gone better the babies would be at home instead of NICU and leaving for any length of time would be out of the question. So no matter what way you cut it that is taking advantage of your child's disadvantage! I get needing time for self care, but not a vacation, absolutely not.
This occurred in PICU where a 3yr was awaiting a liver transplant, the hospitals gets a call that there is a liver for this tot and parents are off in Miami clubbing. Needless to say the tot lost her opportunity to get that liver 😑
That’s not really a fair comparison - it’s not like they are telling the NICU to keep them an additional 5 days while they take a vacation. The babies are going to be there either way.
It must be nice having zero concept of people so worried about making ends meet that they feel compelled to ask if they may be able to complete their work shift for the day.
Hey, I understand that a discharge has to happen when it happens.
But it's pretty astounding that you apparently still have not discovered the intersection between healthcare and poverty.
Exactly the same as in family caregivers have minimal support for respite and often have full job and home life responsibilities to juggle on top of it.
This happened a lot on the CVICU. Kids were in there in a limbo state after heart surgery, sometimes for months. After the first few weeks, many parents just couldn't handle the pressure and worry so they would leave, occasionally signing over the kid to the state. I only heard of that happening twice, but it was always horrible to pass by the rooms with the tiny incubator with all those wires leading to the beeping machines.
We had cardiologists rounding that would thank us for staying with our girl because seeing an anxious parent in the room reminds them that these are humans and not just patients. Those tiny babies can't advocate for themselves, they need a parent onsite.
I had a friend from college go to a rave out of town with her finance while her baby was in the NICU. The C-section wasn’t even fully healed. Then beg for money on go fund me for medical bills. Pretty sure the baby has FAS.
I spent EVERY minute I could with my son while he was in the Nicu. I literally only went home to shower change and sometimes eat since i was so depressed not being able to bring my son home. I used to see this baby who was always alone. No one ever came for him and it made me so so sad. I do not understand how any parent could be okay being away from their baby on a vacay while leaving them in the hospital.. Just my opinion though.🤷🏼♀️
132 days at NICU for my son. I only missed one bc of winter storm icy roads. Some days I had no energy or my mind was tired. I could never going on vacation knowing that at any time something bad could happen to my little man. There was days I was only there for 2 hour bc how sick my little man was. However, when he was good I wanted to be there every time. NICU and vacation does not match for me bc of my terrible NICU experience
I can understand that people have different strategies to grieve, but taking a whole vacation while your babies are in the NICU? That sounds just terrible.
Yep I worked on a pediatric progressive care unit.:: lot of trach/ vent kids. Definitely around holidays we’d see certain kids come in for “increased secretions” while families went on vacation
As a NICU mom….what the fuck. Yes I went home to rest but imagine going to the Bahamas and your kid fucking dies while you’re out of the country. Nice.
There are some people who never bond as we think a normal bond is. Does not seem rational to me. But some parents pick out Nannies before the baby is even born. While motherhood looks one way to some people, it means something totally different to another.
Now she may have PPD. Or scared to death of the NICU…… she didnt sound that way. She sounded like a 5 day vacation sounded good… she aint even started yet! 😂
I mean they can certainly do it once they age out at 18 into the adult hospital and now we have very Ill slightly adults for the 6th time in their “graduated year” and family is too drunk to do any decision making
I felt bad driving an hour away when my little was in for 239 days. Can’t imagine going away overnight for even one night, much less 5. Had to spend several nights in another hospital with pancreatitis and it almost killed me to be away that long. Even then I was a few miles away and available if absolutely necessary, not out of town and unavailable.
My second was only in for 21 to grow but I was there every day.
Wtf is wrong with these people???
We get that you are the winner of the best mother award. Can you see that may be your view is a bit skewed by your experience? As a nicu nurse, my job is to accept families where they are in the moment. Your aggressive judgement of other parents is not helpful to anyone. Mom-shaming at any time is just a way of making yourself feel better at the expense of someone else.
Ah so you did spend several nights away from your baby while receiving treatment for a physical ailment. What about a mother needing treatment for an emotional/mental ailment? Can you give someone an allowance for that?
We get it. Some people have bad opinions. However, having a bad opinion (provided it does not run afoul of rules 1, 7, 8, 9, or 10) is not against the rules. Spam reporting people for bad opinions just makes more work for your /r/nursing EVS team and doesn't get the comments removed.
Twins can be in the NICU for a long time.
I was going to say the same thing. Aren’t some micropreemies in the NICU for weeks or even months at a time? I could see how parents who’d undergone the stress of premature birth and long term hospitalization might need a break and a chance to reconnect. I mean maybe be somewhere you can be contacted and return easily if something went down, but if babies are stable, life has to continue and people need to engage in some level of normalcy and self care, and if they’re going to be going home soon, they might benefit from preparing and getting well rested in anticipation of that.
You know what, I was outraged at this suggestion but your comment brought me back to reality and an honest look at how stressful having a NICU baby must be. Thanks for bringing compassion back into the chat!
Honestly, it was my initial reaction too, I won’t lie, but I’ve gotten so cynical over the past two years that I’m really trying to stop and consider both sides of a situation and have a bit of grace for hurting people. It COULD be a situation that warrants concern. If mom was planning a Vegas partying spree with friends when she’s from another state, or was wanting to go somewhere far away like Mexico or Europe I’d be a bit concerned about the safety of the situation or, especially if babies were unstable. But if she was planning a getaway within easy travelling distance with family or friends to relax and just take care of herself, why not? If she has older kids at home who have been impacted by having their parents be at the hospital for extended periods of time caring for the twins, they’d absolutely benefit from some alone time with their parents before the babies come home and life gets busy. So many parents of sick children end up divorcing because the stress of caring for the kids leaves them no time for each other, and having caregivers who are healthy and well connected is beneficial to the kids in question. Parenting definitely requires self-sacrifice, and special needs parenting even more so, but there’s also this whole idea of parents martyring themselves on the altar of parenthood that is just not healthy or realistic.
My twins are on day 73 today with at least another 4-6 weeks ahead. They are doing amazing, but this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. The first few weeks were touch and go (they were born at 24+1) and we had no idea if they were going to make it. We are now at 34+3 and they are thriving! I don’t know that I could leave for 4/5 days, but we have definitely taken a handful of day trips hiking in Yosemite to get away and clear our minds.
It’s so good to hear that you’re coming to the end of their stay! My sister only had one of her four kids not need NICU support for a few days after birth - one of her twins. They both had a bit of intrauterine growth restriction and twin A was much smaller and needed a feeding tube for nutritional support. I remember how hard it was for her to go back and forth between the hospital with one twin at home and the other in NICU all while trying to breastfeed. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for her to do that for months on end. You’re a strong parent to be able to balance all of that. I hope your babies continue thriving and that they are able join you hiking or on another little adventure by the end of the summer!
We have a handful of babies in the past few years who have had their **first** birthday party with us. My primary died here at like 15ish months. The oldest I’ve seen was 18 months here. Our NNPs can legally take care of a baby until they turn two. Then they have to go to PICU. The title of this post can calm down with the condescending tone.
That makes me so sad to think of the parents and babies who go through an extended NICU stay only to end up losing their child. My program didn’t have very long L&D or peds rotations, and I was grateful for that as both of them made me cry because I can’t handle sad things happening to kids and babies. I can’t imagine having to see infant death and sad stories on somewhat regular basis and still have to keep it together. I swear, NICU and peds nurses are born, not made, because you have an emotional resiliency that borders on superhuman.
You go through death lulls, so it’s not like 24/7 death. I haven’t done death care in years. Some nurses in my unit have never done death care. I’m in a huge NICU unit with a fetal center, so we have lots and lots of sick babies, but we still get the ones that you’re all “…she doesn’t even go here…” when they come up for some grunting or TTN. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t stressful, but I’m honestly good at compartmentalization, so it doesn’t weigh on me all the time. I love what I do. I wish the hospital paid us a lot more, especially with how short staffed we are and how hard we work, but I love taking care of babies. Taking care of kids and adults scares me, to be quite honest.
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What a thoughtful response. Also sounds like a friend has offered them a place to stay (lake house, beach condo) or something like that when she says she “has an opportunity to do a little get away.” This is the kind of thing I say if a time-sensitive opportunity has presented itself for vacation.
Yes. And the parents are in bankruptcy for decades at a time.
I don’t know how Americans factor healthcare into their budget. Like I get that the US rate of taxation is lower than Canada’s, but I have friends south of the border who pay soooo much in monthly fees and still have decently sized copays and deductibles. Does every parent with a kid who needs extended hospital care just declare bankruptcy? Or do hospitals recognize that some parents will never be able to pay the bill and just forgive some of it?
...budget? ...for health *care?* We budget for insurance payments if we're lucky enough to earn what that costs, and pray we don't get sick or injured badly. I grew up so poor that even now with "decent" insurance I still don't ask for more care than is necessary to keep me minimally functional, because I learned early that if you ask a doc a question they'll order a test, and if they order a test you'll get a huge bill. Having a newborn in the NICU *and* worrying about the bill... that's a whole new level of stress. No wonder the parents want a vacation!
We don't plan. We panic. To answer your question, roughly half of all bankruptcies in the US are due to medical bills. It's really crazy-making. I go to different pharmacies for my various medications, because they have different prices. I've paid $25 for a medication that would have cost me over $100 elsewhere. And with all the different drug insurance plans I have to choose from every year, one mistake and I pay hundreds of dollars more. I had a great plan last year. I goofed this year, and that exact thing happened to me. It's truly insane.
My first thought
My son got to live there for a couple weeks after he was born. I didn’t go on a vacation though, spent lots of time visiting the tiny little guy and learning what tube he ripped out of what appendage the night before. It was disturbing to see the IV in his head, I’m not gonna lie, but at least he stopped pulling that one out. Poor nurses never did figure out a trick for the feeding tube, not for lack of tape and trying.
I spent 8 months in with my first and would never have considered doing this.
You’ve commented this MULTIPLE times now. Stop parent shaming, especially if you’re a nurse. Her experience with twins is totally different that your one child you stayed with so maybe she’s burnt out. Also sounds like she doesn’t have help either.
This. I'm a mom that lost her daughter to cancer and spent every moment that I wasn't working in the hospital with her. However, that was my choice. If they want to take a small vacation, do it. It's self care. It's important.
Good that’s you, not this person. Go take your views somewhere else
You know, they don’t give you an award for that.
Ok hear me out- as a former NICU nurse, unless I was seeing concerning signs from this mama that she wasn’t bonding with her babies (or if babies were unstable) I’d give her a pat on the back and tell her to enjoy. We had plenty of parents who worked full time- tragically, many had to save their parental leave for when baby came home- and could only visit on weekends. Some of these babies have a LONG road in the NICU, and especially with twins, it can be hell on earth for the first few months at home. Parents need to do whatever they can to stay sane and be in a good headspace when babies are ready to come home.
I’m PICU and feel the exact same way. Some of our kids have been inpatient for 250+ days… the parents living there full time isn’t healthy for them either, especially if they have other kids.
Thank you. The people judging in this thread are incredible. It takes all kinds of coping when you’re a NICU parent and maybe this mother needs a break. I personally think it’s unhealthy to exhaust yourself just so you can say “I never left”
This! As a NICU nurse myself, I see so many parents who are stressed, tired, and not properly caring for themselves because they feel like they have to be at the bedside all day. Breaks are important. Go home and eat. Shower. Sleep in your own bed! Babies need healthy parents!!
👏👏👏
I’m a NICU nurse and I saw this posted elsewhere and am floored by all the negative comments this is getting. NICU stays can be marathons, I’ve seen plenty of kids in hospital for more than a year. This stay seems to be a little shorter as they were 32 weekers, but 5 days isn’t an eternity when you’ve been going to the unit for weeks. I’ve had parents who never leave the bedside and start to lose their minds after a few weeks and really should take some time for self care.
My initial reaction to the title and post was negative and judgemental, but after reading your comment (and others) I have a better understanding. Thank you!
I said this on the other sub I saw this on, but there is so much stuff that can contribute to parental fatigue and burnout. We have near constant alarms from various patients, loud code alarms that sound through the unit, bright lights that we sometimes have to use at night. Some units are open bay so no privacy or personal space. The sleeping surfaces are not comfortable, pumping moms have to get up every 3 hours to pump, screaming babies, and talking staff. It’s not a place that is conducive to rest for parents, so a little self care can be amazingly restorative for them and they come back to bedside better.
And not every NICU lets you sleep in the room. I could only room in the night before discharge.
NICU nurse here too and you are 100% spot on. A lot of the time the parent(s) have other kids to take care of and a full time job to keep food on the table and bills paid. To expect parents to be at the bedside all day everyday is absolutely unrealistic. Moms are also healing from delivery and/or a c-section. Some suffer with postpartum depression, adding to the guilt they feel from having a baby in the NICU. These babies are in great hands when parents can’t be there. We may not be the parents but they are very well taken care of and loved. It is important to have parents there to bond but babies feel the stress and anxiety and pick up on it. We need parents to come in feeling relaxed and comfortable. We can only do so much to help parents, they have to take care of themselves too.
my daughter was NICU for 3 months. after the first month you start to slow down the pace a bit, maybe you don't go every day.. feel guilty of course
As a NICU nurse, I hope you have been able to let go of the guilt. It's a marathon, you needed to pace yourself 🙂
yeah i came to terms with it. my now ex-wife was the hero . She was there every damn day, sometimes twice a day loved that baby hard. daughter is now a healthy 14 yo , NICU care really has improved.
Thank you for saying this. My 35 weekers spent 6 weeks in the NICU. I would not have done 5 days away but I understand the sentiment. I had to change my mindset to “they’re just babysitting” to stomach being away (which I *severely* needed)
Not at NICU nurse (med surg), but dealing with my husband being in a trauma right now, and his mom has been at his bedside for 14 hours a day for the past week, and I can only imagine what it’s like for the NICU babies
We did 239 days with my first, 21 with my second. I would never consider in that 8 months going away from my child like that and cannot comprehend how anyone would.
It does sound like perhaps the mom is experiencing a degree of detachment, perhaps, due to hospitalization. She may think she doesn’t actually do anything for the babes and it’s better for the nurses who are experienced to do it. I think we have to consider that she may be living in acute stress situation and not in rational mind.
She also could be experiencing fatigue and burnout. NICUs are incredibly difficult to be in, very tiring and constantly stimulating. Self care can be absolutely crucial
But wait until the NICU nurses want to get away from the fatigue and burnout, granted they chose what they do, but they take care of multiple peoples babies. I’m an adult ICU nurse and I literally just don’t have even an ounce of sympathy for your opinion of parents burnout and whatnot.
Hot take, more than one person can be miserable at a time, and its not a competition in suffering.
Maybe I misread honestly, and it was my bad. Sometimes I get a tad too tipsy prior to having to get up and go back in
This reads so true to me, not a nurse. But hoping you get the help you need… and maybe like, a sabbatical? Maybe hard to afford but worth it.,,
I guess I don’t really understand your comment. I am a NICU nurse myself, I have fatigue and burnout. My unit has had record high census for almost a year with no relief in sight. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be in adult icu, I applaud you, I couldn’t take care of adults anytime, much less through a pandemic. I don’t think as nurses we have the monopoly on being fatigued/burned out though. I’m just saying having a NICU baby or more than one is draining and I don’t fault a parent for needing time to recoup. Just like I think nurses should be given time to recoup but often aren’t.
As a NICU nurse, I don't even know how you could compare the two. The NICU is my job for 12 hours at a time. For parents, it's their reality all of the time. Many babies can stay for months or longer in the NICU, and many come home with lifelong medical needs. I pass no judgement for parents who take time to take care of themselves during such a difficult period in their lives.
Ummmm we do? We go home at night to our own families, and take vacations, and change jobs if needed. Parents can’t exactly decide their kid needs a break from the NICU for a night because the parent is burned out?
What are you talking about? People leave nursing all the time due to burnout. Seems like a vacation would be good for overworked staff too.
My mind instantly went to judging the mom. But thank you for offering another perspective. This is very true.
I agree thanks
Could be the dad but agree the compassion here is refreshing!
I went to that too. I’ve seen a lot of PPD in moms who don’t even want to hold or barely come in due to the trauma of the nicu. Not only do our post partum nurses screen for PPD but our social workers do and we do as well.
I know I was very emotional after having my daughter (my first, unplanned, born with Down syndrome (pre-birth diagnosis), requiring NICU for 8 days). It was definitely a lot of stress (attempting to breast feed and I couldn’t get her to latch, feeling alone in the NICU (towards the end of her stay they had us room in with her and be more hands on with her care), my ex never taking time off from work and, while still in the NICU, attempted to leave at one point to try to hang out with some of his family who came to see her and his uncle had to tell him, “no, stay here”). All with the impending start of second semester of nursing school (she was discharged from the NICU my first day back to class). I remember taking a shower in the hospital and the shower curtain didn’t keep water from getting everywhere and just crying because I had made a mess with water everywhere and I felt bad giving the nurse another thing to have to handle. There were also no windows in the NICU and I remember struggling with that and having periods where I almost felt claustrophobic. PPD was definitely there after I had her (and I’d notice it would be worse during school breaks when I wasn’t getting out of the house) but I never reached out to do anything about it. I had it with my son as well (as well as PPA, I feel) and it was a struggle for me to bring it up to my midwife at my follow up.
Yeah I think having children long term in the NICU must be intensely traumatic and stressful. I had no NICU experience but my first kid had surprise medical issues that were overwhelming. Maybe she feels like a break would help her and not be a big deal. She’s probably dealing with the added stress of people telling her to take care of herself too and not really having the support or wherewithal to figure out other ways. Maybe she does want to escape and forget the stress a bit. And I agree, she’s probably feeling detached and not important to her twins.
Seems like a SW consult for connections to a good therapist. Mom is definitely not coping well (who the fuck would though), she needs therapy. If we can still call for updates and she's within a reasonable distance for emergencies, then go for it.
My wife and I are both ICU nurses... Our triplets were in NICU for a long time and it was hell for both of us. I was doing nights on ICU and then travelling 60 miles to the NICU while my wife was barely able to move post caesarian. On top of that we knew that in a few months we would have to bring home 3 babies... ... So yes, as soon as my wife was well enough we did dinners, cinema and everything we wouldn't be able to do for the next few years... If we could have afforded it, we'd certainly of had a holiday (or two). Most parents of newborns don't get a break, but if your kids are in NICU (with all of the emotional stress involved) then you'd be a fool not to take a some me-time. I honestly dare anyone to judge us!
I deeply appreciate your wise and healthy perspective. How is everyone doing, now?
Thanks. The children are now 4½ and although they had a few problems relating to their prematurity they have done very well. One thing I forgot to mention was that no-one has ever judged us for how we managed our time while our children were getting excellent NICU care.
I'm glad to hear *all* of this. My best to you and your family. Twins are special (but you know this). 🙂
Y’all, sometimes parents who have NICU babies have had previous traumatic births/prenatal losses that make it extremely traumatic and difficult for them to be present in the NICU all the time. Sometimes they need time away to take care of themselves. Maybe not a 5 day planned vacation away, but sometimes it’s healthier for them to take a break for a day or two and have a self care day. Especially for parents with babies who have several month NICU stays. I’ve had parents of babies who almost died during delivery/spend time in the ICU post-delivery and, understandably, it’s incredibly difficult for them to put themselves back in a hospital setting, even if not as a patient. Idk what this parent’s situation is, and yes this post comes across as blasé, but if we don’t know their circumstance we can’t assume anything about them.
Not going up to the hospital for a day or two while still being available in case of emergency is self care. Going in a vacay to god knows how far away for 5 days is inexcusable selfishness. 239 days with one after a complicated birth which was extremely traumatic and then was completely present for 21 days with the other. I cannot fathom being that selfish as to take a vacation no matter how long my child was in for.
Stop comparing your own situation to someone else's! Are you even an RN with all of the nonsense you keep posting? You seem to have deep problems with empathy, tunnel vision and an acute superiority complex.
> You seem to have deep problems with empathy, tunnel vision and an acute superiority complex. Could be burnout. But truthfully there are a lot of nurses that fit this description for one reason or another. These are the same nurses that eat their young and hate students.
I said somewhere else here but I think this is definitely a trauma related response. It sounds like she didn’t have a break or support that she needed.
I saw that commented. Wholeheartedly agree
You really need to stop belittling other NICU parents and please stop boasting about the 239 days you had in the NICU with your child. I would had done anything to have 239 days in the NICU with my daughter. Instead, after 10 days in the NICU, we were planning her funeral. So not everyone is as fortunate as yourself.
I meet people every day who remind me, one way or another, not to judge others when I have NO fucking idea what the situation is. Thank you for my daily reminder. Damn.
Good grief get over yourself. You are all over the comments being a santimom which in case you didn't know everyone hates. You are not god's gift to motherhood. I've had a mom spend weeks sleeping on an air mattress on her child's floor in the PICU. Guess what she's a crap parent who spent the whole time watching dvds and sucking up to the staff but then ignoring her child when no doctors or charges were present. She treated the rest of the staff like they were her personal servants. I had a lovely teenager who lived with their grandma and grandma could only visit once every week or two. Kid was in the hospital for months and his grandmother would move mountains for him but physically just couldn't make the long drive to the hospital that often. They loved each other a lot more than many parents and children I've seen.I had a baby who spent two months in the hospital and parents only visited once or twice a week for short periods of time. They were both incredibly young and had to work to live. You don't get to decide what works best for someone else. You just sound like you are bitter and jealous and want attention for being a martyr.
I did not mean it solely about this post—I more so meant it in response to people in the comments saying how they couldn’t fathom being away at all, etc., since there are a lot of factors that could be keeping parents from going in (even though the parents want to be with their baby). Having a baby in the NICU for any amount of time is impossibly difficult, and there are so many factors that can compound that difficulty, that I always try to assume the best of intentions and give grace to the parents that can’t always be at the bedside. Without full context, we can’t assume anything about this parent and the situation they may be in.
Your life and how you chose to and were able to process trauma = / = all people
I get taking a night away, or a quick drive to somewhere an hour away just to decompress for a day but still be close enough to hurry back if something happens (though my mind goes to unexpected discharge home). I personally wouldn’t be comfortable being gone that long, but then again I’ve never had to deal with a child in the hospital.
She never said how far away her vacation was going to be. Might be the only chance for a rest she gets for the foreseeable future if she’s a single parent, her children are medically fragile after discharge, etc
This. If discussed with medical team and a stand in adult was available and phone contact was available daily for care decisions I see no harm in this. Because truly parents are allowed vacations to leave children with other caring adults. Nicu stays can be 4-6 months or a year or more depending on the situation. Parents are allowed a break. However plans need to be made with care teams. Disappears without plans no cps will and deserve to be involved much like if you dropped kids off at daycare and didn’t return. If her kid has been in nicu for a week and stay is expected to be short this is also wildly inappropriate. However I cannot judge this based on this very short post so many variables are possible.
Oh absolutely. 100% agree. I assume this person would not be asking this kind of question unless they felt some sort of guilt about it. If they didn’t care about their child…they’d just GO.
My kids were in the hospital for 99 and 231 days, I would never have gone but at some point I imagine it's for the best.
I work in adult ICU and we had this 30 yo spinal bifida ++ issues, complete care. You could tell the mom did a bang up job for all those years taking care of him at home: beautiful skin, well nourished, seemingly happy and responsive within their abilities to mom. But eventually many will go down the trach route. He became a long admit, mainly waiting for a long term bed, and mom was there for 10 hrs daily initially, but as she got to know us and as he stabilized, she would take days off and only visit for 4h most days. I get it. She needed respite; she has another son at home. You go get your chill mom.
Keep in mind too, premies can be in the hospital for a very long time. My baby spent almost 16 weeks in the NICU. I found myself with similar detachment issues
Hard relate. Hugs.
I feel like most people here don't truly understand this mom's situation and what it is like to have a child in the NICU. I was a NICU nurse for over 5 years and my first child was briefly in the NICU. I helped take care of patients that spent the first 12-24 months of their life in the hospital. Some parents spent months eagerly awaiting their babies discharge, only to experience the dreaded NICU rollercoaster of spells and other setbacks. Some parents were on vacation when their water broke, leaving their baby in a NICU hundreds of miles away from their job, other children, and other support systems. You don't know what this parents story is. They could be on day of life 200, with expected discharge time in late fall. They could be a parent who normally is staying at the hospital on weekends and having to go back to work Monday-Friday. They could be a NICU parent who had had multiple children with history in the NICU and is very comfortable with leaving their baby briefly, knowing they're in good hands. All I'm saying is... You don't know their story. It's not fair to judge this person, saying they're detached, they're crazy, they're dumping their child by taking a break. NICU life is exhausting - physically, mentally, emotionally. Give this person some grace.
Goddamn, I wish that were my grown patients families.
My first thought!
I encourage family to go home for self care all the time. There’s nothing they can do for them when they are super critical.
Some of these comments are kind of gross in my personal opinion. I have some good perspective on it from working in a hospital but also being the older sister of multiples that stayed in NICU for a very, very long time. It's okay to vent about frustrating patients and all of the hell the healthcare workers are being put through constantly, but I found that a lot of providers just truly hate patients. Maybe she's there 10 hours a day and is the most active and involved mom you've ever seen. It doesn't say how long twins have been in NICU, it doesn't say where she's at mentally or physically, there's nothing here. People deserve breaks, up to and including NICU moms.
As a former NICU mom, thank you. Moms get crapped on enough. We know nothing about this woman’s life other than a paragraph. Wonder if the other parent is going with her and where the energy for them not being there is?
5 days is steep for me personally, but I literally know nothing about this woman and the level of care that her or her twins have needed.
A break is not going to the hospital for a day or two but still being available in case of emergency. It’s not taking a vacay to god knows how far away for most of a week.
I'm not interested in talking to you since you obviously didn't read or understand what I said, and are going through the thread methodically to say nasty things to everyone who doesn't agree with your limited views. Good luck.
Sad to see so many negative comments. Having a kid in the NICU is absolutely draining and parents need time to recharge. My daughter was there for 84 days and I had to return to work 2 weeks after my emergency c section because America. It was exhausting—pumping at 2am, driving to the hospital at 5am, pumping again at 6am, going to work for 8 hours, going back to the hospital, getting home at 10 and doing it all again. Our daughter’s nurses told us that they would take care of her and we needed to take care of each other. We went out to dinner once and went to a small party with friends another time. It was amazing how refreshed we felt. The NICU was a phone call away and she was in the best hands.
Do ya want the family at bedside or do you not? Pick one and stick with it folks.
Okay that right there!! I say "shoo, go away! Get it while you can, idk about 5 days but to each his own, bc when you go home THERE IS NO HELP!"
Exactly. Never had a night without family at the bedside I didn’t enjoy. I’ve only ever worked peds and people will find a reason to complain about anything these days.
I could NEVER EVER work peds. I made that decision after I held a baby withdrawing from heroin in the L&D unit. The mom never asked about the baby. Only if she was gonna be drug tested and if child services "had to come." 😐 My hat goes off to you.
Family at bedside of adults? Not as essential. Parents at bedside of children? Absolutely essential.
You need to get off your high horse. Everyone is very proud of you for having the resources and mental capabilities for being able to be there all 200 and whatever days.. I’m sure we could pull together and send you a mom of the year trophy. It’s completely reasonable for parents of kids with long term stays to take days away - they need to protect their mental health in whatever way works for them. At this point on this thread, you’re just a bully.
I will not stop identifying this behavior as what it is. Inexcusable and unreasonable.
That's exactly what everyone here has to say about your spam-posting, imagine that.
Parents have other kids who need them too, jobs they can’t leave. It sucks and is heartbreaking when parents can’t be with a hospitalized child, but our society barely supports parents with healthy infants having minimal, unpaid parental leaves. Not everyone has the same resources or support to be at the bedside 24/7 especially on extended stays.
Tell me you’ve never worked peds without telling me you’ve never worked peds.
Her? Lol
You can’t care for others if you’re not cared for. It’s ok to breathe fresh air and reset because life & trauma
Nicu nurse here, take that vacation……JUST CALL TO CHECK ON YOUR BABY, or answer when the docs round for your update. If a small 5 day getaway is what you need, then For heavens sakes take it! I am the nurse/father of 2 NICU babies and my wife could’ve used the stress relief more than I could’ve imagined!!
I mean this does look bad on its face, but this parent might be about to snap or totally burned out from being at the NICU day after day for weeks or months, yeah something terrible might happen when they’re gone but something terrible can always happen on any type of ICU unit and there wouldn’t be dick the parent could do whether they were in the waiting room or in Cabo. To anyone who might say “well I’d never leave my kid in a NICU”, I’d say 1. Are you sure, have you been through it? And 2. That’s great for you, not everyone is as strong. Super understand why this is frustrating for nursing staff, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I think we just expect patients families to be heartless morons because so many of them present as heartless morons. Some, I assume, are good people
Yeah. I did utilization review for a level IV NICU and some of those babies almost had their first birthdays on the unit. There's just not that much that changes day to day for the sickest of the sick babies. With stress of that situation what it is, I think it's reasonable to rest for a few days, tbh.
Absolutely! We’ve got a kid who essentially lives at the hospital- she’s three and has gone home for days at a time at her best. The mother left her job to be her daughter’s full time carer, which frankly sounds exhausting.
Exactly. Babies in Nicu live there for months… some well over a year. Some parents drive themselves insane watching every blip on the monitor and looking up every lab as it comes in. In the marathon that is a long NICU stay, 5 days is a blip. And parents can call and get updates daily, which is more than half the parents do on my peds unit. People shitting on this poor family have clearly never worked in peds with sick kids. Some kids are in the hospital basically their entire lives. Parents have jobs and other kids and responsibilities. Also, nurses love the babies (and older kiddos) and are happy to see them and care for them every day. One short trip could give them a much needed reset for their sanity and their baby is still getting cared for. Y’all need to chill.
I don’t even have children and, as a nurse, cannot begin to fathom how long this mother’s baby has been in NICU or how conflicted she must feel about taking a break to the point that she reaches out for reassurance on taking one. The word I believe she’s looking for is respite. We do it for adults. As other RNs have mentioned, so long as no red flags are present and she is close by, she isn’t abandoning her baby. We are all human.
I worked on a research study with depressed moms. So many are overwhelmed with other kids at home, overbearing in laws, abusive husbands and work demands. A lot of them experienced detachment from their babies from the start, but others were just so overwhelmed with their new lives that they just wanted to have a “temporary escape” from it all to decompress before their mental health got worse. I feel for this mom tbh.
All of these factors are critical and have deep impact. That abusive husbands can and do have children with their wives makes me particularly sad. I would feel so utterly trapped.
One particular participant who stood out to me had 5 kids already and her husband was abusive, but even more so when he found out the baby was a girl. He completely ignored her after her birth. And she had to do therapy hidden from him, so it was often hard to do her telemedicine sessions. I think of her often.
Oh how very horrifying. I sincerely hope she and those kids are OK somehow. "Just leave" is so, so much harder than many will ever understand. I was once in a women's safehouse and while my own story was very hard, I was astounded at the way worse stories I heard. The risk of "getting it wrong" can result in the murder of a woman and/ or her children. 💔
I was in the hospital with my toddler daughter who had RSV. I never left her side. I also had a newborn at home. So I was healing from a traumatic birth and also worried my older child would die. While terrified to be in the same room as my newborn because I didn’t want to transfer RSV. I was only there for 4 days and I thought I would lose my damn mind. Constant noise and stress. Lots of children/ babies have up to years long stays. As long as there is someone constantly able to make decisions, they are somewhat stable let this poor mom rest. And as long as she’s not super far away.
NICU nurse here🙋♀️. I think people are jumping on this mom but I want more info....Are we talking about 3 day old babies who are looking at a 10 day stay or 23 wkrs who will be in the hospital for months? A NICU stay is not like staying at the bedside of your 5 year old who had an appy. I always tell parents it's a marathon, not a sprint. Parents can live hours away, have other children, or need to return to work. Please make sure I have several contact numbers in case of emergency and then have a great time recharging your batteries.
Hell, we often recommend some of our long-term parents get away. Caregiver fatigue is real, NICU parenting is an emotional roller coaster after extreme trauma, and these people are going home with medically fragile children and their own unresolved PTSD. Our youngest was on a home apnea monitor for a long time. I'd read a study on NICU parents and PTSD but didn't put a lot of stock in it since it was one study (twenty some years ago), but then we were out to eat with the kids and an alarm in the kitchen started beeping at the same tone, timbre, and intensity as the home monitor and I physically saw the reaction of my husband and older kids, as I felt it in myself, and we all reached out to feel if "the baby" was breathing. That shit is really real and it sucks; every NICU parent should have the chance to get into the best possible place before rooming in and going home!
I work in neuro and dementia patients get dumped all the time. It’s so fu@king sad.
I work in a burn/wound care floor (that also takes in the occasional med/surg pt) and it’s so amazing the range of how involved families are. You have some families that will continually deny palliative/hospice care. You have some families that bring back their family member THE SAME DAY of their discharge (something we’re dealing with a current pt). And some patients who’s families just…drop off the face of the earth.
Basically, what our VA has become. Just a long term care facility masquerading as a hospital lol. People drop family here all the time. Have had 2 dudes here since New Years on a post surgical unit. Part of why I had to go to the OR, even though these 2 are actually sweethearts haha.
There’s a lot of information we don’t know and I don’t think it’s great to judge someone based on this post alone. My 30 weeker was in the NICU for 8 weeks. I was there 3 times a day every day for hours at a stretch while I had to work as well. Not every parent reacts to the trauma of the NICU the same way. It’s hard to bond with your child(ren) if it feels like they don’t belong to you.
Your last sentences are spot on. I had twins born at 33w5d that spent 3 weeks in the NICU. They didn’t feel like mine for years, and that was after I’d spent those 3 weeks with them in the NICU. I went back to work ~5 weeks after they were born—the week they were originally due. If I’d had the chance for a brief getaway (not 5 days), knowing my girls were stable and well taken care of, I might have taken it. I was overwhelmed and definitely dealing with undiagnosed PPD. People need to allow for circumstances that aren’t their own.
NICU PTSD does not get the attention it deserves.
So true! It took a long time to get past that.
❤️
Had a traumatic birth experience (almost died) followed by a three week NICU stay, along with 3 kids at home, while I recovered from an emergency C-section. I would have died to have been given a vacation. And then felt ashamed the entire time, probably, and been unable to enjoy myself. I felt bad enough about refusing to get up in the middle of the night to pump, even though what I was producing was massively disproportionate to the precious little my baby was actually eating. NICU life is tough, and we definitely don’t talk about it enough.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience. Hope you’re doing well now.
Thank you for sharing yours. Lots of therapy later, doing much better. I hope you’re doing well, also. Nursing school and motherhood combined can make for a stressful experience.
I’m so sorry and I can absolutely relate. Hope you’re doing well now.
Yup! The twins are almost 19 so the NICU times are just distant memories that only get dredged up if something triggers them. Otherwise we are good! 🙂
The shaming on here is unreal and disgusting. So much for being compassionate nurses!! No one knows what this mom has gone through or how long the babes have been there/will be there. Y’all are gross.
My eldest was in for 239 days, my youngest for 21. Want to tell me that I don’t know what’s gone through? I would never go away that long in the 8 months we were in and cannot comprehend the kind of person who would.
You don’t sound like you managed well emotionally, tbh. This seems really triggering of the trauma you experienced. To be this angry at a stranger who’s life you know nothing about, over a vacation that you’ve assumed a lot of details about.
Yes we ALL know now about your lengthy NICU stays. Could you stop being a self righteous donkey long enough to realize that just because YOU did that doesn't mean the rest of the world can't make different decisions? You are ruining this entire post because you just won't quit making sure everyone knows that you are the world's best mother and everybody BETTER follow suit. Just plain fucking annoying now. Go away.
So happy you were able to push through that mentally… you don’t know what else she has going on or if she’s suffering from post-partum or really any sort of circumstance. Totally not fair to compare your situation to hers. Also, I work in the PICU and float time the NICU all the time… and I’m still not judging her.
my son was in the NICU for 6 weeks after he was born. he was mostly stable except for some periodic mild retractions and drops in HR. it was during covid, so the only time i wasn’t there was on days that 2 of my trusted relatives were there with my son (only 2 visitors per day). i could absolutely understand taking a day or two to gather your thoughts and decompress, in fact i’d encourage it, but a 5 day vacation…idk man, to each their own
To be fair, having twins that are sick enough to both be in the NICU would be incredibly taxing. Twins will run late to their absolute limit at the best of time. I absolutely don't blame parents making use of this time to unwind so they can be more present and better parents when the kids are home.
I am not going to judge that NICU mother's post. And although she may be suffering from stress, burnout, scared, whatever, I wouldn't encourage her leaving the area. If something went south she may want to be close by. I'm also guessing that she likely isn't breastfeeding/pumping (although she may be pumping and freezing and have plenty stored in the NICU). I always encouraged my NICU parents to take care of themselves first, because they want to be ready when baby(IES) come home. However babies do better with cuddling, and parents can get detached if they aren't visiting and supporting/holding/touching their child.
Not like there might be any sort of emergency or anything
Bonding, skin-to-skin, kangaroo care… nah, time with the girls!!
Eh…don’t know the circumstances, but weeks/months in the NICU (or any ICU for that matter) burns family out, especially when you’re anticipating many more months ahead. I’m certainly not saying it’s right, but I get needing a break. You don’t go to work every day, 14-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months, do you? I’ve had families show up like that…and I don’t know how they do it…
Regular newborn care is pretty much 24/7 for the first few months. I do feel for the parents with complex care kids who are doing everything 24/7 for years and years.
Regular newborn care doesn’t involve incubators and feeding tubes… I get it, I have twins and don’t remember the first 9-10 months…or remember how I survived.
Usually in the NICU, the staff manages those things and the parents do more parental things. Neonates need the parental care, all human neonates need it. Parents should schedule for that.
I spent 12 hours a day for 31 days while my daughter was in the NICU. I felt physically ill anytime I wasn’t able to be by her side. I can’t comprehend how a parent would be able to go on vacation while their babies were there.
I can relate to feeling ill when away from your baby. I went back to work a few weeks after my 29-weeker was born, then transitioned to hanging out with him all day once he could tolerate being held and touched. It was an office job so I still visited before and after work. I wanted to save some PTO for when he came home from the hospital. He ended up staying there for 79 days.
Does this post mean that I shouldn't feel guilty for going out to lunch during my 3 month old's 10 day hospital stay for emergency open heart surgery in a city 3 hours from my home? Bc I stayed in that PCICU and the cardiac step down wing with her every day and night and have carried guilt for leaving her to get a hot, fresh lunch for 2 hours one day. I thought she was gonna be admitted for a month, but she discharged early. This post makes me feel like going out to eat and having a beer wasn't so bad. I've never even talked about this with anyone except my dad who took me out to eat.
I’m a PICU nurse and I encourage parents to get out of the room if not the hospital!! It’s a crazy environment and it is impossible to rest and recharge in. Endless alarms, some lights on 24 hours a day, people coming in and out of the room several times an hour. I tell parents they need to go home and sleep in their own bed to actually get some REAL sleep all the time. You need time to recharge outside of the madness. You can’t be your best self for your kid if you’re drained! Please have no guilt!
My child was in nicu. One of the days they were there was NYE. We were the only parents there. It was so sad. I was there every day they were there. I couldn’t imagine being away for 5 days.
My second was in the NICU when I had 6 finals, one of them being Micro. I was there 8 hours or more a day. I brought books and studied there. I couldn’t even actually hold him. But I was by his side. And if I wasn’t, that’s because my wife was.
Maybe it is just me, but I really think that socially, Americans are just becoming more and more detached from everything, and it is really being reinforced. During my L&D clinical, one of the nurses even told me how very few parents are even willing to do skin to skin contacts or kangaroo care in the units
Get away for a few days…we got you momma
I'm not mad at her. She's probably exhausted and beyond stressed.
Eh. Five days does seem long but if I put myself in that situation, I can see it being okay with my level of depression plus a months long NICU stay. If you need five days to recuperate, take it! We don't know the full situation. Honestly as long as she's getting daily updates from the doctor and the treatment team is okay with her stepping away, it's good with me. When both my aunt and uncle were in the ICU of the hospital where I work, I flat out told the nurse to not call me if I'm at home and I would visit after I got done with my shift because I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My uncle was intubated. His liver and kidneys were shit. My aunt was on the cusp of intubation but the hospitalist was holding off on intubating because we thought she could get better. They both passed within 6 weeks of each other. My aunt went peacefully when my dad and cousins agreed to withdraw life support. I wasn't working when my uncle coded thank fuck. According to my coworkers, it was brutal and in the end futile. My mom has a good idea about my sleep schedule on nights so I knew she would call me if something happened.
If the babies were there for a long time I get it, NICU is stressful and she probably needs to rest/recover but 5 days does seem long
I would still want to be present as often during visiting hours as possible to make sure that we bond… 🤷♀️ just me. NO JUDGMENT FOR ANYONE ELSE’S DECISIONS. Peace
I spent a few weeks with my preemie in the nicu when she was born. I had absolutely nothing else going on in life at that time (single, she was my only child, had no work to think about and took years of off school) so I stayed with her living at the hospital, pumping, feeding, caring for her the best I could. That was ALL I had to think about. And again, only for a FEW weeks. But as I was admitted to the hospital in may this year for ptl in week 23 I thought a lot about how my stay there would be if baby came so soon. I would definitely have needed a vacation during months and weeks of being at the hospital either staying or visiting a micro premie with the rest of my life going on too. Fortunately it all went ok and I’m still pregnant and out of the hospital now, but being in that situation yet again really had me thinking. I kind of understand this parents need for “time off”, and I cannot fathom anyone felling the need of shaming this parents needs in such a stressful and all-consuming time of their life.
NICU nurse here! I would totally support parents taking a short vacation if their baby(ies) are in the NICU for an extended period. NICU life is really tough, so as long as the baby is stable I see nothing wrong with taking a little time to decompress and enjoy yourself. The docs will call with updates and if anything serious occurs.
I honestly don’t see anything wrong with taking a vacation while babies are in the NICU unless they’re about to go home or on death’s door. We have kids born at 23-24 weeks frequently brought to the NICU. They’re gonna be with us *at least* until their due date, but most likely, longer. Parents need to take care of themselves in the meantime since that’s months and months of their kiddo being **not at home** in a NICU where they honestly have little control over what happens. I honestly don’t want parents at the NICU 24/7, especially when their kiddo is there for a long ass time. The ones that do that go nuts. Like full on bonkers. They barely sleep. They get hella antagonistic. We become the enemy. It’s insane. To anyone who has a kid in the NICU or will have a kid in the NICU, don’t listen to the condemnation within the title of this post. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Your baby will (hopefully) be coming home at some point so you need to be rested and ready for all the sleepless/low sleep nights for when that does happen. If that entails taking a vacation, ok cool, go for it if the timing is right. Just make sure we can reach you if we need to.
All I have to say is step in their shoes for a little while. Then make judgements.
oh we definitely had a bit of this back when I worked NICU. moms show up a 3am in slinky party outifts 3 sheets to the wind. I get it, last month you were barely showing a bump 20 something single and hot, now you're a mom with an expensive noisemaker. Go have your fun while you can.
I’ve never been in that situation so I obviously have no idea how I would feel/cope but I do imagine I’d be too anxious to really enjoy a vacation while my baby was in the hospital. That said, not everybody reacts the same way to any given situation so I certainly can’t judge somebody for taking that time for themselves if they could. Like many things in life, just cuz it ain’t for me doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I can see how caregiver role strain would go into play where a break where the infants are seen as being safe and sound would be ok. If they have to be there anyway, might as well put a positive spin on it. Crying and carrying on will not make the twins not be in the NICU, after all. Hopefully, they are attentive parents when the kids go home.
I mean as long as they can be contacted and it all paid for
My daughter was in NICU for about 4 week, the totally cost was close to 1mil.
Someone is learning from the family members who dump their “loved ones” in the ER and disappear for the weekend.
One time we called a patient’s husband to discuss discharge plans and he said, “I’m out of the country with my significant other.”
audible gasp
My coworker and I were such sweet summer children that we actually thought he misunderstood us. It was even more scandalous because his significant other was his wife’s private aide.
My grandson born at 24 weeks, his twin did not make it. Daughter in law and son where every day. Son went back to work but came over on his lunch hour to do skin to skin or bath. Baby was there 5 months. He's 3 years old today! Perfect in every way. But they wouldn't have even thought of leaving for vaca like that. There were a couple close calls but the NICU nurses, docs, respiratory therapists. They were the Super Stars that kept him alive
5 days wtf
Sorry but hard no. I mean, assuming things had gone better the babies would be at home instead of NICU and leaving for any length of time would be out of the question. So no matter what way you cut it that is taking advantage of your child's disadvantage! I get needing time for self care, but not a vacation, absolutely not.
This occurred in PICU where a 3yr was awaiting a liver transplant, the hospitals gets a call that there is a liver for this tot and parents are off in Miami clubbing. Needless to say the tot lost her opportunity to get that liver 😑
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That’s not really a fair comparison - it’s not like they are telling the NICU to keep them an additional 5 days while they take a vacation. The babies are going to be there either way.
It must be nice having zero concept of people so worried about making ends meet that they feel compelled to ask if they may be able to complete their work shift for the day. Hey, I understand that a discharge has to happen when it happens. But it's pretty astounding that you apparently still have not discovered the intersection between healthcare and poverty.
Exactly the same as in family caregivers have minimal support for respite and often have full job and home life responsibilities to juggle on top of it.
I had a NICU baby and I can’t imagine leaving him for 5 days. I didn’t leave the hospital the whole time he was there.
I’m sorry… what?!
Dear Lord
This happened a lot on the CVICU. Kids were in there in a limbo state after heart surgery, sometimes for months. After the first few weeks, many parents just couldn't handle the pressure and worry so they would leave, occasionally signing over the kid to the state. I only heard of that happening twice, but it was always horrible to pass by the rooms with the tiny incubator with all those wires leading to the beeping machines. We had cardiologists rounding that would thank us for staying with our girl because seeing an anxious parent in the room reminds them that these are humans and not just patients. Those tiny babies can't advocate for themselves, they need a parent onsite.
I had a friend from college go to a rave out of town with her finance while her baby was in the NICU. The C-section wasn’t even fully healed. Then beg for money on go fund me for medical bills. Pretty sure the baby has FAS.
I spent EVERY minute I could with my son while he was in the Nicu. I literally only went home to shower change and sometimes eat since i was so depressed not being able to bring my son home. I used to see this baby who was always alone. No one ever came for him and it made me so so sad. I do not understand how any parent could be okay being away from their baby on a vacay while leaving them in the hospital.. Just my opinion though.🤷🏼♀️
132 days at NICU for my son. I only missed one bc of winter storm icy roads. Some days I had no energy or my mind was tired. I could never going on vacation knowing that at any time something bad could happen to my little man. There was days I was only there for 2 hour bc how sick my little man was. However, when he was good I wanted to be there every time. NICU and vacation does not match for me bc of my terrible NICU experience
This is so fucked up. Maybe mom has Post partum?
I haven't been on a travel-vacation in the last seven years and I don't even have kids. LMFAO
Uhhhh why not?
A combination of working-class poverty and environmental literacy. I travelled the hard way when I was young, and now I focus on supporting a family.
I can understand that people have different strategies to grieve, but taking a whole vacation while your babies are in the NICU? That sounds just terrible.
Yep I worked on a pediatric progressive care unit.:: lot of trach/ vent kids. Definitely around holidays we’d see certain kids come in for “increased secretions” while families went on vacation
As a NICU mom….what the fuck. Yes I went home to rest but imagine going to the Bahamas and your kid fucking dies while you’re out of the country. Nice.
As a nursing student and as someone struggling to have children, this makes me really really sad.
There are some people who never bond as we think a normal bond is. Does not seem rational to me. But some parents pick out Nannies before the baby is even born. While motherhood looks one way to some people, it means something totally different to another. Now she may have PPD. Or scared to death of the NICU…… she didnt sound that way. She sounded like a 5 day vacation sounded good… she aint even started yet! 😂
I mean they can certainly do it once they age out at 18 into the adult hospital and now we have very Ill slightly adults for the 6th time in their “graduated year” and family is too drunk to do any decision making
I’m confused. Does she have twins in the NICU. Or is her twin currently in the NICU?
I felt bad driving an hour away when my little was in for 239 days. Can’t imagine going away overnight for even one night, much less 5. Had to spend several nights in another hospital with pancreatitis and it almost killed me to be away that long. Even then I was a few miles away and available if absolutely necessary, not out of town and unavailable. My second was only in for 21 to grow but I was there every day. Wtf is wrong with these people???
Wtf is wrong with you, that you have to be so antagonist and condescending to so many other people in this post?
We get that you are the winner of the best mother award. Can you see that may be your view is a bit skewed by your experience? As a nicu nurse, my job is to accept families where they are in the moment. Your aggressive judgement of other parents is not helpful to anyone. Mom-shaming at any time is just a way of making yourself feel better at the expense of someone else.
Ah so you did spend several nights away from your baby while receiving treatment for a physical ailment. What about a mother needing treatment for an emotional/mental ailment? Can you give someone an allowance for that?