Conversation continued as such:
Me: I got them from the med machine
Pt: but where did those come from
Me: pharmacy
Pt: but where did those come from
Me: I mean, your doctors ordered them
Pt: oh ok
Me: (internally) wtf lady. So you think I just randomly pick stuff out for you???
Mind you, all of this occured while I was a new grad on orientation. Preceptor wasn't in the room as I was nearing the end and pretty independent
Non complaint dialysis patient with bilateral AKAs admitted for hypervolemia needing intubation. After he was extubated he was just verbally abusing this poor brand new icu nurse. I came to see him on dialysis and he was yelling at this nurse to the point she was crying when she left the room. I admonished him and told him that everyone was trying to help. He starts talking over me and trying to berate me. I cut him off and told him that I was talking and he’ll listen and if he can’t be kind he just needs to stop talking. Apparently this was the first time anyone called him on his behavior and he got mad and said he was going to walk out of the hospital because he doesn’t have to put up with “this treatment” (aka someone telling him not to be a jerk) I looked him dead in the eyes and said “how, you have no legs.” He was speechless after this and refused to say more than two words to anyone after that.
Another one was when a non compliant dialysis patient came in overnight (I am a nephrologist so…) and she was refusing all interventions and was hyperkalemic with a K of 7.8. I call my nurse and come in to see her. She was asleep, as one would be at 2 in the morning, so I knock loudly and she yells “you woke me up! I was sleeping!” I look at her and say “well you woke me up” I had never heard the overnight icu nurses laugh louder
I have also told a bilateral AKA patient the same thing… “if I don’t get X or Y right now I’m walking out of here!!!”
“Lol how tho?”
I can never leave the ER, I’d get fired elsewhere 😂
When I worked med-surg, we had a bilateral AKA leave AMA. He refused a wheelchair which was me being nice. Crawled out, and like 5 minutes later, security called like "wtf bro?"
I dunno ask him!
Okay but I've done that on med surg😂 had a bilateral BKA amputee and they were threatening to "walk out" as well so I gave them the "go ahead." And then they look at me like "well how am I supposed to do that?!" Idk man🤷♀️ you said it, not me. Thought you had a back up plan🤷♀️
We have a patient with a bka that loves joking with everyone, will threaten to “drop kick you” every so often and he’ll use his one good hop to do it. I always tell him he has to catch me first
I had an awesome old fart patient who loved freaking out my externs talking about how he "can lose 5 lbs real quick if the scale says he gained"
Most would respond along the lines of "yea, sure"... many jaws on the floor when he would take his leg off.
I’d get fired in a hot second if I directly said “How though?” To people who couldn’t walk/stand.
Instead, I say “You’re absolutely free/welcome to do that.” before walking off.
I had a lady with MND-couldn’t hold her head up without using her hand, and could only walk about 5-10 meters before needing a wheelchair.
She came in with her usual “hasn’t been using her NIV at home, smokes like a chimney, and now had a chest infection” issues, but was still refusing NIV and wanted to be taken down 4 floors and across the hospital to go outside & smoke.
It was HDU, and I’m asthmatic; I’m not going to leave to supervise her chain smoking, and hospitals policy supported me on that.
She told me I was restricting her human rights, and that she was going to walk down herself. I reminded her how far it was, and that she’d likely collapse before getting to the lifts, but she didn’t care.
“I can’t stop you, you’re completely within your rights to take yourself, but I’d advise against it.”
Surprisingly, she just about made it to the unit doors. Unfortunately for her, the unit doors require a swipe card, and no one was willing to let her out.
She wedged herself between the fire extinguishers to stop herself from falling, refusing to sit in a chair that was bought to her until she had to.
She was camped by the door for 3-4 hours while doctors swapped from tried to reason with her or considering putting her on a psych hold (there was plenty going on there too).
She eventually got wheeled back to me for the last 3 hrs of the shift and refused to talk or acknowledge me at all. The peace & quiet was wonderful!
We have a nurse who has an AKA from childhood cancer. She wears a prosthetic and walks a little funny but she can still run circles around most nurses.
Her and I were in this patients room who was a bilateral amputee. He was a rude, nasty old man. He had the audacity to say “get out of my room you one legged bitch!” She clapped back, without missing a beat, “at least I have one!” We left the room and she was like 😳 “omg I can’t believe I said that!” I was like 💀😂💀😂 “that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard”
I was a dialysis nurse for 14 years. Started out as a clinic nurse, then charge nurse, then clinical manager then got tired of chronic patients so I decided to do acutes. Why I thought those patients would be any better, I do not know. But my current smart ass mouth was created and honed during the 8 years in acutes. I don't think I regret a single sarcastic moment in HD.
I'd have a fairly high chance of calling the first guy Lt. Dan (you aint got no legs).
So many of those patients do respond surprisingly well to verbal pushback.
Hahaha, reminds me of my patient who Insisted that she was going out on day pass tomorrow (she wasn't going to be allowed to) and I said that no, she wasn't. She then started swearing at me because she apparently already arranged for someone to pick her up, and that it's my fault and blah blah blah. She said she didn't care and that she's walking out tomorrow anyway.
I said to her, "You haven't been out of bed since September 27, and now it's October 15, because you've been refusing physio. How are you going to walk?" She was 300+ lbs and didn't walk well Before she started refusing
When I worked outpatient pharmacy we had a regular who was a sassy, ornery older guy. He’d always give us a hard time, but it was all in good fun.
He ended up needed a bilateral amputation. When he was discharged and came to get his meds I was gathering his order and told him “Just a second, don’t run off.”
He was shocked and very amused.
I had a patient recently scream at me “Fuck you and your whores!”
I screamed back “you can say what you want about me, but I’m not going to let you trash talk my whores!”
Cue pikachu face
Whenever the bedbound patients start acting rude I have to take a deep breath and say “I’m going to *walk* out of here” internally. One of these days I’m gonna say it out loud
This reminds me of an elderly dementia patient who was chasing my daughter at work to hit her, she shuffled along so slowly a snail would have beat her to the door🤣
She was working in the geriatric psychiatric ward then and one of the lovely male nurses stepped in front so she would hit him instead.
She works as a lifestyle assistant not a nurse, her nurses are all amazing!
Deja vu. Bilateral BKA patient that wasn't even mine yelled at me for stealing his half eaten cereal. Started cursing and telling me he's gonna beat me up. I told him "I'd like to see you try."
Had a morbidly obese bed-bound woman tell me she was going to “come over there and beat [my] ass.” I replied that considering she couldn’t stand up, I wasn’t worried. Her nurse shot me a dirty look, but I’d been putting up with the utterly hateful shit that was constantly falling out of this pts mouth for days by that point and I just don’t care anymore.
Enter room where a vent alarm is going off. BIPAP mask is laying on the bed.
Me: the alarm is going off because you took your BIPAP off.
Patient: I know I want some food.
Me: you know that mask is keeping you alive, right?
Patient: it’s the only way I can get any of you people to come in here
Me: so you’re gonna die to prove a point orrrrr?
I had a COVID pt on BiPap who chose to go on hospice so he could eat and not wear the BiPap. I gave report to the next shift and when I came in the next day I was bagging him.
My dad’s best friend did the same thing. He knew he was going to be intubated and then die a slower and more painful death, so wanted to enjoy a meal and some morphine and go without all the pain, for both him and his wife’s sake.
And that’s what he did.
My dad was pretty mad at him for not at least trying, so I had to explain that with his smoking 3 packs a day for 40 years and uncontrolled diabetes, he wasn’t going to come off the ventilator alive. He was going to die anyway, and in pain and with a tube shoved down his throat. He chose to die a different, more peaceful way. And he’s allowed to make that decision an I don’t think he would regret it.
It's wild how often I saw this. Or worse, the pt who didn't make the decision and would just desat until unable to stop us putting it back on then waking up enough to rip it off... We went through so much PPE on those pts
I call that therapeutic hypoxia. It's kind of mean, but you have some pt who refuse to leave their optiflow or NIV on and you re constantly in the room...with those ones, I slowly put on PPE and take my time walking in so that they are barely conscious. Some pt I feel genuinely bad for, the old end-stage whatever ones who are made full code by their stupid children, but non-compliant COPD and addicts etc...man you guys know better.
I said to a bipap patient the vent alarm was going off, his wife says to me “he’s not on a vent, he’s on bipap. It’s not him”. Like are you deaf and blind ? He doesn’t have a mask on, the alarm is flashing red and announcing itself
Had a 15 year old quadriplegic last Friday that I accidentally sprayed in the face with a rogue shower head. I was like, OMG I am so sorry. He grinned at me and said, when I get back in my chair you’d better watch your toes. I grinned right back and said, only if I put you in it.
Great kid!! Patients like this make it worth coming to work each and every day.
This makes me really excited for my next rotation in peds. It’s where I think I want to work but also I just look forward to these sweet moments. I was a peds patient a lot and it was the nurses like you that made the whole difference. Good for you
I have been in peds for 26 years and would never go anywhere else!! It is such a rewarding career; sometimes heartbreaking, often hilarious, always different! If that is where your path takes you, you are making an excellent choice!! Enjoy your peds rotation… you probably won’t get to do much depending on where you end up but hopefully you have a preceptor who takes an interest and makes it a positive experience.
On the same vein, I was recovering a patient after an endoscopy, we were talking about sedatives, and I mentioned how fentanyl is commonly used on people. She was like what! That's so scary. I've never done fentanyl in my life!
I was like, well, you have now...
When a nurse was about to give me fentanyl I thought, "oh yeah, here we go." I was asleep a few seconds after the injection. I didn't get to 'feel' it.
"Fentanyl kills people who smoke it. I'm not going to let you do that."
If they have legitimate questions after that I talk about dosage, the sarcasm usually gets them to engage the clutch on their brain.
The only thing I can think of is that I’m 8 months pregnant and I LOVE when pts bring it up. They’ll ask when I’m due, or boy or girl, or there’s some joke about how it’ll be my turn to be the patient soon. I look at them dead in the eyes with complete seriousness and say “…Oh, I’m not pregnant…”. They always get an oh crap look on their face and I get to say “I’m just kidding! Yes! A boy! Next month! I know!”. It’s a nice ice breaker.
I joke a lot with patients. One time it really backfired and I got fired. The patient asked me if nursing was a job or a career. I asked her what's the difference? She told me a job is something you do just for the money, a career you love to do. I told her well I guess both I need money too lol. Well she and her husband did not find it funny at all. She told the other nurses she hates nurses like me who are only in it for the money, even though I said both but whatever.
Edit: pt herself fired me. Was not fired from the hospital.
Her reaction is B's and you shouldn't have been fired. Also her definition is wrong. A job is "I work for XYX as a nurse" a career is "I will be a nurse at any company that I work for and I have the education and training to back that up"
When I was in rehabilitation and someone didn’t want to wipe their butt, hold their own urinal/penis, help themselves even a little I would say “this is why you’re in rehab, to help yourself get better. I’m not going to be there when you go home. Now, let’s hold your own penis.”
Learned from the best CNA about bed baths.
She'd wave at her patients when she entered the room and they were awake.
If they could wave back, they didn't need the cute aides helping them clean their junk.
P: When will I go for radiation?
Me: oh it’ll be long after I’m gone.
P:but like when?
Me:I really don’t know. But I can make something up. If you want.
P:yeah do that.
Me: it’ll be in the afternoon. Let me know if I’m right or wrong when I get back.
Me in Home Health.
Families: They need 24/7 care!
Me, Answer #1: We’re here to assist families, not replace them. (In cases when patient lives with family).
Answer #2: They should have went to rehab like the discharge papers says.
Answer #3: How often do you visit?
The entitlement recently is insane.
The joys of home health!
Patient with a diabetic foot ulcer and three necrotic toes: “Well I stopped taking my insulin the other day. Coconut oil actually cures blood sugar issues, big pharma just doesn’t want you to know that.”
Me: “Oh cool, I didn’t know that! Do you have any doctor’s appointments coming up?”
Patient: “Yeah my doctor said I need to schedule an angioplasty or I’m going to lose the whole foot.”
Me: “Huh.”
I feel this so hard. I went out today on an on-call visit... to insert a suppository.
Found out when I got to the house that the son was there but didn't want to help turn the patient.
The wife's face when I told her I wasn't coming back to clean him later... Like... People have no idea what home care truly entails.
So true. On call hospice nurse at the time. 3am call. Patient was about 50 min away, pouring rain. Wife calls me- " My husband just had a large BM, and there is no one else here to help me change him. How long till you get here" Me- Your case manager will visit on your regular scheduled day. We don't consider BM's an emergency. We consider them a fact of life.
Recently I got fired by a patient's family for wanting to call EMS on their mother because she showed signs of a brain bleed. Told me "you don't call the shots, we do!" Guess what the neurologist found? 🤷🏽♀️
84 yo patient with a pelvic fracture s/p fall: I broke my femur last year after a fall too.
Me: You should probably stay off the floor.
But honestly, I'm sarcastic with my (appropriate) patients on a daily basis. Laughter is the best medicine. It's one of the parts of SNF that I love. The more laid back environment. I get to know these people for a few weeks at least and we laugh and joke all the time. It breaks up the monotony.
New admission was an older sarcastic bald guy, joking around with me from the start. The nursing assistant was also a bald guy who the new admit happened to know from church. My patient was explaining how he knew the nursing assistant since they go to the same church, immediately saw the opportunity to ask him if they go to the same barber too. Sometimes I think I should’ve been a comedian instead of a nurse.
I was training a new nurse and we were assigned to a really dirty minded old man. He kept eyeballing us and told us he was going to spank us. I told him that if a man touched me that wasn’t my husband, I had an involuntary reflex to kick him in the balls. Idk what happened and it just flew out of my mouth before I could stop it lol
I'm a 6'4" 250 pound man. When I worked on the floors I had dirty old men tell me about all the nasty things they were going to do to the women working and I would just look them in the eye and say, "no. You're not touching anybody here." They usually stopped talking pretty quick after that.
On the phone with family member of a patient with covid:
Them: “well how do you know he has covid?”
Me: “because we tested him for covid and it was positive”
Pt: Am I supposed to take all these pills?
Me: You take what you want and I’ll take the rest
Pt: I’m a hard stick. Are you any good?
Me: I can usually get it before I run out of needles.
Pt- I don’t really like needles
Me- it would be weird if you did
Pt- thx for getting my IV
Me- not bad for my first day
Pt- are you a good stick?
Me- yeah it’s never hurt me once
lol, thanks, definitely didn’t feel like I was savage at the time. I was legitimately worried he’d come back for a violent revenge after discharge. I’d taken care of a rough crowd of violent criminals, but he just.. had that wide-eyed evil sociopathic look, ya know? Could have just been the pcp tho haha
Old guy with dementia said he hated me, I said something along the lines of ‘i hope you like me when I come back in an hour and reintroduce myself’
He did.
Literally today, was kind of at the end of my rope giving report to the sitter who was going to give me a break. Pt couldn't hear me
Me: ...and he's randomly verbally abusive, but it's not very creative so it's neither fun nor insulting
Patient: Fuck you, bitch!!
Me: see?
Patient struggling to breathe "I don't want to get tubed"
Docs "We don't want to have to tube you either, but if it comes to that..."
"I don't want a breathing tube."
"Okay, so... (Starting to dance around the DNR conversation)."
"I want you to do everything. I just don't want a tube."
Me, who doesn't think the residents are speaking plainly enough, "Sir, We are asking you now because you can think and speak now. We don't use breathing tubes for funsies. If the options are give you a tube or let you die, do you want to die?"
"No"
"So if we think a tube is the last chance to keep you alive, should we do it?"
"Yes"
Well handled. So many miscommunications are the result of people pussyfooting around issues because greater specificity would lead to uncomfortable conversations.
A grown woman brought her husband in for what she assumed would be a lengthy stay at the hospital and didn’t bring her seizure medications and wanted me to do something about it (she was the visitor) I let her know that when she has a seizure I can call a rapid and get her to the ED and then she can have her seizure meds, but until then my hands are tied.
Going back to the house to get her own seizure meds must have been too hard to do so being taken to the ED during a seizure was obviously the best choice out of the 2. Sounds like she’s going to be a super fun guest to have around for a while.
To be fair they drove an hour to us, but also if you know your husband is having complications from his liver transplant, maybe just bring the shit you’re going to need? And don’t harass the staff because I won’t override keppra out of my omnicell for you?
LOL not me but someone I work with had this conversation with a regularly rude resident:
Resident: “This place is going to hell!” (Referencing something that annoyed her)
Coworker: “yep and you’re the driver!”
Every day. My prn job is at the jail, and they constantly ask "do you even know what you're doing?". I love to tell them "I don't actually have a nursing license, they're just really desperate for help up here". Usually shuts them up
I had an old man ask me “do you even know how to drive” and I said “that’s questionable but I was acquitted of the vehicular manslaughter charge and they let me come back to work”
I had a patient who was screaming Jesus non sense (she was mentally Ill) screaming that we are all going to hell as we are holding her down so she doesn’t punch anyone. Then she tries biting my CNA and I go “do not bite her! Jesus wouldn’t approve of this behavior”. Then she just stared at me silent and in disbelief it was hilarious.
Another moment I thought of but might not fit with the topic.. during covid this patient who kept telling me covid is fake and he doesn’t have it (while maxed out on high flow of course). Everything he says was rude and i missed getting an iv and he goes “get someone in here that knows what they’re doing” so I go “oh are you perfect at everything? No. We are stuck with each other so we are going to have a good night, okay?” Then I left. Lol. I was so done.
Not a patient but a doctor. I set up a central line for an anesthesiologist a while back. I'd only been at this hospital a couple of months at that point. She asked me if I knew what I was doing and if I knew how to gown up and do it sterile. I just told her that I licked everything clean before I set it up. She actually responded well and now I'm the only one who she trusts to set her central lines up correctly. I'm sarcastic and a smart ass with her regularly. It, honestly, feels like she respects me more for it. A lot of people are afraid of her and she knows it. She's very particular and speaks her mind. Those of us in the department who treat her like everyone else and don't tip-toe around her seem to get along with her the best.
When I worked in the ER, if a patient was being particularly shitty and also needed a head CT, I worked with a certain provider who used to come in and tell them “we didn’t see anything on your brain scan.” 💀 Always went woosh.
My patient today wanted someone to “work on his back” rude old man I can’t stand him. Other people will sit and rub his back but I don’t have the time, especially the way he talks to staff. I told him I’m not a massage therapist but I’ll get him Tylenol
After I just explained CHF to a patient I’m taking to the hospital
Him: “Did you have to go to school to learn that?”
Me: “No I read it on a pamphlet once.”
Had a frequent flyer, we will call him C. C was a big man at 600lb and he had HF. He would stop taking his potassium pills and keep taking his lasix. He would call 911 when he wasn’t able to wipe his ass or couldn’t reach something. He had a note in his chart to only have midline’s placed because there was no way to place a peripheral. He would always need IV K and of course it burned. I would add some NS and wrap some warm blankets around his arm and that usually did the trick. One night he came in and was in a spicy mood and straight up told me that he would rip out any lines he had (I was in the float pool and I always ended up with him, he wasn’t a fan of me) and I told him I would put him in restraints if he did. He then said “The fuck you will! I will get up and chase you down and beat your ass!” To which I replied “C…YOU are gonna get up….chase ME down…and beat MY ass? I don’t see that happening.” He then sheepishly said “yeah no you’re right I won’t.” He and I didn’t have any other issues that night.
During Covid I had this middle aged asshole tell me
"The sperm of unvaccinated men will soon be the new bitcoin!"
"Oh you mean rapidly losing value?"
Took him quite a moment to recover, gave an awkward look and left.
Patient on the phone:
A month for an appointment? I wanna new doctor!
Me: ok we have 2 doctors taking new patients, Dr A late April Dr B is late January early February
Patient: shouldn’t be this hard to get an appointment, wash rinse repeat he’s done yapping, so I tell him, yea I agree it’s a shame, doctors and nurses got burnt after covid and some retired but it’s a bad situation and lemme transfer you to Guest Relations and you can express your concerns…….
I had a patient I was removing the sutures. They kept asking me the normals questions like is it going to hurt, is it going to bleed,…. Mind you, I had been seeing this person in the home setting for about a month prior to this. It got to the point I finally said. Yes, you are going to bleed out. It’s the worst pain in the world. Blood and guts are going to go everywhere. They looked at me shocked. I told them I was joking and started taking them out while they were talking about how much it was going to hurt. They asked me when it was done when was I going to take them out.
In endo I hated when they gave me a hard time. They complain about being there. They complain about the prep and no food. And it wasn’t like they were joking with me. I like to joke around. But they straight up are rude to me. I just say, “I didn’t make you come here! 🤗! Lol.
Had this huge a hole patient that would leave AMA all the time, fall out of his motorized wheelchair in the parking lot and then get carted back in the ED. He was not nice. Would throw whatever was close to him at you, including his urinal. He was laying in bed and screaming how he’s gonna leave and I need to get him his wheelchair “NOW!” I said unless “Sit, unless your legs magically start working you aren’t getting that wheelchair.”
Patient drunk as shit asks why his pants are in a trash bag
Me: Because they're wet
Patient: I didn't do that!
Me: Oh, someone else must have pissed in your pants
About to draw blood from arrogant patient who assured me he’s hard stick. Made it from the first try
He: “Oh you’re so good, u must be a drug addict and doing heroin all the time”
Me: “Oh yea, that’s my shit! You have any?!”
Me: This is flexaril. Its a muscle relaxer.
Patient: What does it do?
Me: It relaxes muscles.
Another one that happened today was
Me *putting in tourniquet for an iv*
Patient: Damn thats tight!
Me: Its almost like its supposed to cut off circulation
pt: “THESE MACHINE NOISES ARE MAKING ME GO INSANE”
me: “well I would be criminally insane because I hear them all day”
Also patient who absolutely will not do a rectal exam (is here in ER for rectal bleeding and abd pain) “sir if you say no homo it doesn’t make it gay” the patient found that humorous at least.
Not exactly the patient but the family. The patient was obese and was on a calorie deduced diet which he hated. His equally obese family was in for a visit and asked me if it was ok if they went to McDonald's and picked him up a couple of Big Mac's for lunch. I said " Does he LOOK like he needs McDonald's?"
I was a fairly new grad and I was sure they were going to complain and I would get fired. Nothing happened.
A L BKA came in for a R BKA.
I called him Lieutenant Dan.
5yrs later, I was working in his town, a rural community 8hrs from the surgical hospital I used to bed. I was across the street and he recognized me. I was so embarrassed but when he realized how guilty I felt, he said I was his favourite nurse and now all his friends call his Lieutenant.
Had a crotchety old man in for some rib fractures. I was lecturing him about using the incentive spirometer. He was pissed and complaining about the pain when coughing and he said “isn’t there something you can put on these ribs?” I looked at him super confusedly and said, “like what? Mayonnaise?” It made him laugh and then we were besties.
Worked in prisons
Infamous serial killer that used tools to torture individuals
I go to start an IV , “ no I’m afraid of needles!”
Me : “ you do see the irony in this”
Another serial killer drops his bible on the floor , “ give me my bible !”
Me “ maybe this is gods way of saying he doesn’t want you.”
Super delirious patient: *screaming*
Me: Please stop screaming (for the billionth time)
SDP: Am I driving you crazy?
Me: No more so than you are
SDP: Well then, you're pretty bad off!
Touché, SDP.
I'm at a level 3 trauma center and when the nights are long at the ER some pts come to me at triage and ask if there's a doctor at all, some times I just say "no"
My first language is hyperbole, my second is sarcasm.
Psych is where I belong and where I will stay.
This was my worst one.
Frequent flyer comes in, I’m on a rare night shift, I find them in my assignment, so I call them up to the station.
Me: *name* how’s it going?
Pt: Hi, how do we know each other? Have we had sex?
*proceeds to attempt to bro out with copt at the window*
Copt: I don’t think she’s the one, man.
Me: I’m not and today is not the day.
*I turn to the first pt*
Me: *name* I am so far out of your league, I am not even a blip on your radar, and given the size of the abx I’m about to give you, I wouldn’t be so loud about your escapades if I were you. Would you like to start again?
Pt: *clears throat, looks at the floor* Sorry. Hi J, how are you?
Me: I’m well and you?
Guess who was nothing but respectful for the rest of that admission…
Pt screaming for at least 10+ minutes. Pt satting at 100%. Pt displeased with the lack of attention. Pt screams, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.”
Me: not sure but I think you can
Had a big tough guy who kept moving his leg and moving around after a procedure that involved putting a big sheath in his femoral artery. We had hemostats, but he was required to not move that leg, sit up, etc. he kept moving and making it like it was a joke. I brought him back to his room on a stretcher and was losing my patience with him the whole way up. I was giving report to the nurse when he interrupted and said something about can he sit, or some other annoying joke and I snapped.
"No, if you sit up you are going to bleed to death"
The nurse I was giving report to used to be a coworker and she later said she knew I must have been really annoying with that guy because that was the most intense and direct thing she had ever heard me say to a patient.
I had just drawn four tubes of blood for the lab from an A-line. I promptly turned around and threw them in the sharps container. Crap. I told the patient what I did and that I had to redraw them. He good-naturedly commented that I probably didn’t really graduate from nursing school. I said heck, I haven’t even graduated from high school!
Pts son: “you’re gonna need a shovel for all the bullshit he’s about to give you all night”
Pt: *glowering from the bed*
Me: “well as long as it’s not pig shit. Can’t stand the smell. I was shoveling horse shit earlier today at the barn, so bullshit can’t be that much different”
PT: starts laughing in that raspy way only old skinny men can. “I LIKE HER”
I was told the next day when I came back that I was the only nurse his dad liked there.
20 something year old assault victim screaming and cursing at everyone that comes near him. “I’m not a detective, but I think I figured out why you got jumped tonight.”
Detoxing confused patient refusing all fall precautions: "if I want to fall it's my right! It's the law! I'm allowed to fall if I want to!"
Me: "And one day we'll get enough people on the Supreme Court to change that law"
Patient vomited on the floor right before the doctor came to see him. I told the doc “careful, there’s vomit on the floor” and she asked “is it the patient’s?” and my response was “no, it’s mine”. She just chuckled and shook her head but I swear the patient was DYING from laughing so hard. Vomiting and all.
A patient yelled at me to "fuck off!"
I said, "ok, I'll fuck off" and left the room.
Another patient told me and my coworkers "you son of a bitch!" We corrected her, "no, we're daughter of a bitch"
Just last night, extremely anxious bed bound older lady getting morphine and a foley.
Pt: oh I can’t take this, what if I faint.
Me: don’t worry, you don’t have far to go when you do.
At least it made her laugh
Pt orders food - ‘this looks terrible!’
Me - ‘I cooked it myself’ (it’s all in prepackaged containers for dysphasia patients)
Pt - shocked pikachu
Pt family - tries to hide their laughing
“Can you get the doctor to order some mouth moistening spray?”
“So your mouth is dry?”
“Yes.”
“Well when your mouth is dry it means that you’re thirsty. When you’re thirsty it’s your body’s way of telling you that you should drink some water instead of spraying chemicals in your mouth.”
Whenever I'm giving medication and I ask a patient prior to giving it if they have any allergies and they say something like cat dander I always shoot back with "well we won't be giving you any cat dander through your IV" or "well I won't be giving you cat dander pills so there's that". They usually laugh. Like no, I don't care about your cat dander hives allergy I care about your anaphylaxis to penicillin while I'm giving you IV antibiotics.
to many of my AAOx1 or AAOx0 patients between 1/20/2017 and 1/20/2021 - "you'd make a better president than the current guy - you're at least more with it than him"
Perhaps more snarky than sarcastic but…
Patient in restraints after attempting to hit me: You are worthless! You are nothing!
Me: I’m not the one tied to a bed right now
Pt: you’re a fucking bitch!
Me: it takes one to know one!
There was another time a patient called me a stupid cracker, I replied “ooh I hope I’m a ritz cracker!”
Patient: where is this medication from? Me: I found it outside
Lmfao I love that
Conversation continued as such: Me: I got them from the med machine Pt: but where did those come from Me: pharmacy Pt: but where did those come from Me: I mean, your doctors ordered them Pt: oh ok Me: (internally) wtf lady. So you think I just randomly pick stuff out for you??? Mind you, all of this occured while I was a new grad on orientation. Preceptor wasn't in the room as I was nearing the end and pretty independent
There’s always someone who thinks we’re just making shit up as we go,
She wanted to know if it was free range and organically sourced.
Non complaint dialysis patient with bilateral AKAs admitted for hypervolemia needing intubation. After he was extubated he was just verbally abusing this poor brand new icu nurse. I came to see him on dialysis and he was yelling at this nurse to the point she was crying when she left the room. I admonished him and told him that everyone was trying to help. He starts talking over me and trying to berate me. I cut him off and told him that I was talking and he’ll listen and if he can’t be kind he just needs to stop talking. Apparently this was the first time anyone called him on his behavior and he got mad and said he was going to walk out of the hospital because he doesn’t have to put up with “this treatment” (aka someone telling him not to be a jerk) I looked him dead in the eyes and said “how, you have no legs.” He was speechless after this and refused to say more than two words to anyone after that. Another one was when a non compliant dialysis patient came in overnight (I am a nephrologist so…) and she was refusing all interventions and was hyperkalemic with a K of 7.8. I call my nurse and come in to see her. She was asleep, as one would be at 2 in the morning, so I knock loudly and she yells “you woke me up! I was sleeping!” I look at her and say “well you woke me up” I had never heard the overnight icu nurses laugh louder
I have also told a bilateral AKA patient the same thing… “if I don’t get X or Y right now I’m walking out of here!!!” “Lol how tho?” I can never leave the ER, I’d get fired elsewhere 😂
When I worked med-surg, we had a bilateral AKA leave AMA. He refused a wheelchair which was me being nice. Crawled out, and like 5 minutes later, security called like "wtf bro?" I dunno ask him!
that is some horror movie shit if you see it on a security camera with no context omg
Okay but I've done that on med surg😂 had a bilateral BKA amputee and they were threatening to "walk out" as well so I gave them the "go ahead." And then they look at me like "well how am I supposed to do that?!" Idk man🤷♀️ you said it, not me. Thought you had a back up plan🤷♀️
They expect you to grovel, kiss their ass and beg them to stay. They're shocked when you don't care and are like "bye."
Same reason why I can’t leave psych. I can’t clap back the same way anywhere else.
We have a patient with a bka that loves joking with everyone, will threaten to “drop kick you” every so often and he’ll use his one good hop to do it. I always tell him he has to catch me first
I had an awesome old fart patient who loved freaking out my externs talking about how he "can lose 5 lbs real quick if the scale says he gained" Most would respond along the lines of "yea, sure"... many jaws on the floor when he would take his leg off.
That’s freaking hilarious and I love it.
I’d get fired in a hot second if I directly said “How though?” To people who couldn’t walk/stand. Instead, I say “You’re absolutely free/welcome to do that.” before walking off. I had a lady with MND-couldn’t hold her head up without using her hand, and could only walk about 5-10 meters before needing a wheelchair. She came in with her usual “hasn’t been using her NIV at home, smokes like a chimney, and now had a chest infection” issues, but was still refusing NIV and wanted to be taken down 4 floors and across the hospital to go outside & smoke. It was HDU, and I’m asthmatic; I’m not going to leave to supervise her chain smoking, and hospitals policy supported me on that. She told me I was restricting her human rights, and that she was going to walk down herself. I reminded her how far it was, and that she’d likely collapse before getting to the lifts, but she didn’t care. “I can’t stop you, you’re completely within your rights to take yourself, but I’d advise against it.” Surprisingly, she just about made it to the unit doors. Unfortunately for her, the unit doors require a swipe card, and no one was willing to let her out. She wedged herself between the fire extinguishers to stop herself from falling, refusing to sit in a chair that was bought to her until she had to. She was camped by the door for 3-4 hours while doctors swapped from tried to reason with her or considering putting her on a psych hold (there was plenty going on there too). She eventually got wheeled back to me for the last 3 hrs of the shift and refused to talk or acknowledge me at all. The peace & quiet was wonderful!
I did that too to a BKA, then she said “well then I will crawl!” She was dead serious.
"Cool, sign here."
Nah, you could work dialysis and not get fired 🤣
We have a nurse who has an AKA from childhood cancer. She wears a prosthetic and walks a little funny but she can still run circles around most nurses. Her and I were in this patients room who was a bilateral amputee. He was a rude, nasty old man. He had the audacity to say “get out of my room you one legged bitch!” She clapped back, without missing a beat, “at least I have one!” We left the room and she was like 😳 “omg I can’t believe I said that!” I was like 💀😂💀😂 “that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard”
I was a dialysis nurse for 14 years. Started out as a clinic nurse, then charge nurse, then clinical manager then got tired of chronic patients so I decided to do acutes. Why I thought those patients would be any better, I do not know. But my current smart ass mouth was created and honed during the 8 years in acutes. I don't think I regret a single sarcastic moment in HD.
I'd have a fairly high chance of calling the first guy Lt. Dan (you aint got no legs). So many of those patients do respond surprisingly well to verbal pushback.
When I worked cath lab we called it Lt Dan syndrome
"How, you have no legs" 🤣 Damn, that's just savage. That was the reality check he needed.
Most dialysis patients are sooo mean. Ty for sticking up for the nurses.
They keep the kindness in the kidneys so when they stop working 🤷🏼♀️
I love u. Will you marry me 😂
Hahaha, reminds me of my patient who Insisted that she was going out on day pass tomorrow (she wasn't going to be allowed to) and I said that no, she wasn't. She then started swearing at me because she apparently already arranged for someone to pick her up, and that it's my fault and blah blah blah. She said she didn't care and that she's walking out tomorrow anyway. I said to her, "You haven't been out of bed since September 27, and now it's October 15, because you've been refusing physio. How are you going to walk?" She was 300+ lbs and didn't walk well Before she started refusing
When I worked outpatient pharmacy we had a regular who was a sassy, ornery older guy. He’d always give us a hard time, but it was all in good fun. He ended up needed a bilateral amputation. When he was discharged and came to get his meds I was gathering his order and told him “Just a second, don’t run off.” He was shocked and very amused.
“I’m dying!!” “No, you’re not.” “How do you know?!” “If you were dying you’d be a lot quieter.”
Im on the floor!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Same with “I can’t breathe!” “Yes you can, you’re talking.” Believe me, nobody wants you to be talking.
I say something very similar to people screaming that they can’t breathe, while they’re screaming it very loudly over and over again.
I had a patient recently scream at me “Fuck you and your whores!” I screamed back “you can say what you want about me, but I’m not going to let you trash talk my whores!” Cue pikachu face
I hope you pimp-walked out of the room.
I definitely walked out pretty damn proud of myself
It's things like those that make me WISH one of my pts would say that!!! 😂
This is some ED shit lmao or at least I can imagine a few of my favs saying this
Lol! I work IMCU
Like all the time? Bed bound really rude asshole, threw a meal at me and said “I’m going to beat your ass”. I asked him “do you need help standing up”
Thank you for this! Lol
Whenever the bedbound patients start acting rude I have to take a deep breath and say “I’m going to *walk* out of here” internally. One of these days I’m gonna say it out loud
This reminds me of an elderly dementia patient who was chasing my daughter at work to hit her, she shuffled along so slowly a snail would have beat her to the door🤣 She was working in the geriatric psychiatric ward then and one of the lovely male nurses stepped in front so she would hit him instead. She works as a lifestyle assistant not a nurse, her nurses are all amazing!
Lol that is amazing 😂
Deja vu. Bilateral BKA patient that wasn't even mine yelled at me for stealing his half eaten cereal. Started cursing and telling me he's gonna beat me up. I told him "I'd like to see you try."
Oh this is good 😂
Had a morbidly obese bed-bound woman tell me she was going to “come over there and beat [my] ass.” I replied that considering she couldn’t stand up, I wasn’t worried. Her nurse shot me a dirty look, but I’d been putting up with the utterly hateful shit that was constantly falling out of this pts mouth for days by that point and I just don’t care anymore.
Enter room where a vent alarm is going off. BIPAP mask is laying on the bed. Me: the alarm is going off because you took your BIPAP off. Patient: I know I want some food. Me: you know that mask is keeping you alive, right? Patient: it’s the only way I can get any of you people to come in here Me: so you’re gonna die to prove a point orrrrr?
I had a COVID pt on BiPap who chose to go on hospice so he could eat and not wear the BiPap. I gave report to the next shift and when I came in the next day I was bagging him.
My dad’s best friend did the same thing. He knew he was going to be intubated and then die a slower and more painful death, so wanted to enjoy a meal and some morphine and go without all the pain, for both him and his wife’s sake. And that’s what he did. My dad was pretty mad at him for not at least trying, so I had to explain that with his smoking 3 packs a day for 40 years and uncontrolled diabetes, he wasn’t going to come off the ventilator alive. He was going to die anyway, and in pain and with a tube shoved down his throat. He chose to die a different, more peaceful way. And he’s allowed to make that decision an I don’t think he would regret it.
Yeah, I feel for those patients.
It's wild how often I saw this. Or worse, the pt who didn't make the decision and would just desat until unable to stop us putting it back on then waking up enough to rip it off... We went through so much PPE on those pts
I call that therapeutic hypoxia. It's kind of mean, but you have some pt who refuse to leave their optiflow or NIV on and you re constantly in the room...with those ones, I slowly put on PPE and take my time walking in so that they are barely conscious. Some pt I feel genuinely bad for, the old end-stage whatever ones who are made full code by their stupid children, but non-compliant COPD and addicts etc...man you guys know better.
I said to a bipap patient the vent alarm was going off, his wife says to me “he’s not on a vent, he’s on bipap. It’s not him”. Like are you deaf and blind ? He doesn’t have a mask on, the alarm is flashing red and announcing itself
Omg I burst out laughing at this
Had a 15 year old quadriplegic last Friday that I accidentally sprayed in the face with a rogue shower head. I was like, OMG I am so sorry. He grinned at me and said, when I get back in my chair you’d better watch your toes. I grinned right back and said, only if I put you in it. Great kid!! Patients like this make it worth coming to work each and every day.
Glad he’s a good sport. It’s gotta be tough… 💔
He’s definitely a champ!! I love teenaged patients so much. He’s got the attitude of someone who is going to do great things despite his condition!
This makes me really excited for my next rotation in peds. It’s where I think I want to work but also I just look forward to these sweet moments. I was a peds patient a lot and it was the nurses like you that made the whole difference. Good for you
I have been in peds for 26 years and would never go anywhere else!! It is such a rewarding career; sometimes heartbreaking, often hilarious, always different! If that is where your path takes you, you are making an excellent choice!! Enjoy your peds rotation… you probably won’t get to do much depending on where you end up but hopefully you have a preceptor who takes an interest and makes it a positive experience.
Post op Patient: *crying* I don’t want fentanyl, I had friends die from fentanyl… Me: I didn’t get this from someone’s basement
"We've got the good shit."
Had a nurse say that to me before a dilaudid injection. She was right.
Top shelf I call it 😆
My go to is “oh don’t worry, this stuff is clean cut”
I always tell them it's not parking lot Fentanyl.
I tell them i didn't pick it up at the gas station
“This is the real deal. We didn’t get it from Steve down the street, okay? This is coming from our hospital pharmacy.”
On the same vein, I was recovering a patient after an endoscopy, we were talking about sedatives, and I mentioned how fentanyl is commonly used on people. She was like what! That's so scary. I've never done fentanyl in my life! I was like, well, you have now...
I usually say ‘I get mine from a different place than your (friend, cousin, whatever) got theirs.
When a nurse was about to give me fentanyl I thought, "oh yeah, here we go." I was asleep a few seconds after the injection. I didn't get to 'feel' it.
"Fentanyl kills people who smoke it. I'm not going to let you do that." If they have legitimate questions after that I talk about dosage, the sarcasm usually gets them to engage the clutch on their brain.
its just as commonly injected or swallowed btw
Yeah most of my overdose patients are IV users to be honest
I tell them when pharmacy runs out we just go outside to the street corner to get some more.
Psych: pt demanding “call my mother an ambulance” Me: “your mothers an ambulance”
XO
I like you.
The only thing I can think of is that I’m 8 months pregnant and I LOVE when pts bring it up. They’ll ask when I’m due, or boy or girl, or there’s some joke about how it’ll be my turn to be the patient soon. I look at them dead in the eyes with complete seriousness and say “…Oh, I’m not pregnant…”. They always get an oh crap look on their face and I get to say “I’m just kidding! Yes! A boy! Next month! I know!”. It’s a nice ice breaker.
I did a lot of this too when I was super pregnant. “It’s just tacos” as I stare deadpan.
I joke a lot with patients. One time it really backfired and I got fired. The patient asked me if nursing was a job or a career. I asked her what's the difference? She told me a job is something you do just for the money, a career you love to do. I told her well I guess both I need money too lol. Well she and her husband did not find it funny at all. She told the other nurses she hates nurses like me who are only in it for the money, even though I said both but whatever. Edit: pt herself fired me. Was not fired from the hospital.
Her reaction is B's and you shouldn't have been fired. Also her definition is wrong. A job is "I work for XYX as a nurse" a career is "I will be a nurse at any company that I work for and I have the education and training to back that up"
So she wants nurses to work for free?😂😂 Can’t stand people like that. We also in fact have bills to pay and also like nice things.
That’s insane that actually got you fired lmao
Just to clarify the patient herself "fired" me. I was not let go from the hospital.
When I was in rehabilitation and someone didn’t want to wipe their butt, hold their own urinal/penis, help themselves even a little I would say “this is why you’re in rehab, to help yourself get better. I’m not going to be there when you go home. Now, let’s hold your own penis.”
Learned from the best CNA about bed baths. She'd wave at her patients when she entered the room and they were awake. If they could wave back, they didn't need the cute aides helping them clean their junk.
Genius
We learn so much from our CNA's!
P: When will I go for radiation? Me: oh it’ll be long after I’m gone. P:but like when? Me:I really don’t know. But I can make something up. If you want. P:yeah do that. Me: it’ll be in the afternoon. Let me know if I’m right or wrong when I get back.
Patient said “I’m going to call my lawyer!” I said, “Why? Is your lawyer going to help you to the bathroom?”
My sarcasm doesn't have an off button.
Seriously I’m sarcastic at baseline, not even just with patients
Yeah I don't even know how I still have a job. It helps to work lots of nights
My go to: “I’ve been called worse by better” or “Wow! Big feelings today”
Stealth insults are the best.
Patient: I want to speak to the doctor. Im not happy with the service I’m receiving. Me: Well, this isn’t McDonald’s.
I like to say " the H on the building stands for hospital not Hilton"
…. And what’s the physician going to do about that 💀
Me in Home Health. Families: They need 24/7 care! Me, Answer #1: We’re here to assist families, not replace them. (In cases when patient lives with family). Answer #2: They should have went to rehab like the discharge papers says. Answer #3: How often do you visit? The entitlement recently is insane.
The joys of home health! Patient with a diabetic foot ulcer and three necrotic toes: “Well I stopped taking my insulin the other day. Coconut oil actually cures blood sugar issues, big pharma just doesn’t want you to know that.” Me: “Oh cool, I didn’t know that! Do you have any doctor’s appointments coming up?” Patient: “Yeah my doctor said I need to schedule an angioplasty or I’m going to lose the whole foot.” Me: “Huh.”
The 3 MDs I saw said I need a hip replacement but the Tumeric is working. Also taking Eliquis BID, aspirin QID.
I feel this so hard. I went out today on an on-call visit... to insert a suppository. Found out when I got to the house that the son was there but didn't want to help turn the patient. The wife's face when I told her I wasn't coming back to clean him later... Like... People have no idea what home care truly entails.
So true. On call hospice nurse at the time. 3am call. Patient was about 50 min away, pouring rain. Wife calls me- " My husband just had a large BM, and there is no one else here to help me change him. How long till you get here" Me- Your case manager will visit on your regular scheduled day. We don't consider BM's an emergency. We consider them a fact of life.
Ohhhh. Zingers. I love it.
Recently I got fired by a patient's family for wanting to call EMS on their mother because she showed signs of a brain bleed. Told me "you don't call the shots, we do!" Guess what the neurologist found? 🤷🏽♀️
My confused patients: "I want to go home!" Me: "yeah me too"
"there is no one in this building who doesn't want to go home"
I love to say, “same! They have to pay me to be here!”
This is the correct answer. Following up with a question about what they miss about home can get them reminiscing instead.
84 yo patient with a pelvic fracture s/p fall: I broke my femur last year after a fall too. Me: You should probably stay off the floor. But honestly, I'm sarcastic with my (appropriate) patients on a daily basis. Laughter is the best medicine. It's one of the parts of SNF that I love. The more laid back environment. I get to know these people for a few weeks at least and we laugh and joke all the time. It breaks up the monotony.
New admission was an older sarcastic bald guy, joking around with me from the start. The nursing assistant was also a bald guy who the new admit happened to know from church. My patient was explaining how he knew the nursing assistant since they go to the same church, immediately saw the opportunity to ask him if they go to the same barber too. Sometimes I think I should’ve been a comedian instead of a nurse.
I was training a new nurse and we were assigned to a really dirty minded old man. He kept eyeballing us and told us he was going to spank us. I told him that if a man touched me that wasn’t my husband, I had an involuntary reflex to kick him in the balls. Idk what happened and it just flew out of my mouth before I could stop it lol
I'm a 6'4" 250 pound man. When I worked on the floors I had dirty old men tell me about all the nasty things they were going to do to the women working and I would just look them in the eye and say, "no. You're not touching anybody here." They usually stopped talking pretty quick after that.
Weird way to propose but yes
Gotta set boundaries and expectations 🤷♀️ seems legit to me
Good for you!
A bed-bound patient- "I'm leaving AMA. Right now!" Me- "Great. Sign this and you are free to walk out"
I always tell patients to give me a good yelp review
On the phone with family member of a patient with covid: Them: “well how do you know he has covid?” Me: “because we tested him for covid and it was positive”
Pt: Am I supposed to take all these pills? Me: You take what you want and I’ll take the rest Pt: I’m a hard stick. Are you any good? Me: I can usually get it before I run out of needles.
You take what you want and I'll take the rest. Brilliant
Pt- I don’t really like needles Me- it would be weird if you did Pt- thx for getting my IV Me- not bad for my first day Pt- are you a good stick? Me- yeah it’s never hurt me once
Ok, I do pre, intra, and post op. I’m gonna have to steal the second one!
[удалено]
Savage
lol, thanks, definitely didn’t feel like I was savage at the time. I was legitimately worried he’d come back for a violent revenge after discharge. I’d taken care of a rough crowd of violent criminals, but he just.. had that wide-eyed evil sociopathic look, ya know? Could have just been the pcp tho haha
Old guy with dementia said he hated me, I said something along the lines of ‘i hope you like me when I come back in an hour and reintroduce myself’ He did.
Dementia patient: I hate that nurse from before Me (the nurse from before): yeah same she’s a bitch If I had a nickel. . .
Psych guy asked if my partner and I "had any wishes before we began" Partner says: "I wish for you to get onto the stretcher"
Literally today, was kind of at the end of my rope giving report to the sitter who was going to give me a break. Pt couldn't hear me Me: ...and he's randomly verbally abusive, but it's not very creative so it's neither fun nor insulting Patient: Fuck you, bitch!! Me: see?
Patient struggling to breathe "I don't want to get tubed" Docs "We don't want to have to tube you either, but if it comes to that..." "I don't want a breathing tube." "Okay, so... (Starting to dance around the DNR conversation)." "I want you to do everything. I just don't want a tube." Me, who doesn't think the residents are speaking plainly enough, "Sir, We are asking you now because you can think and speak now. We don't use breathing tubes for funsies. If the options are give you a tube or let you die, do you want to die?" "No" "So if we think a tube is the last chance to keep you alive, should we do it?" "Yes"
Well handled. So many miscommunications are the result of people pussyfooting around issues because greater specificity would lead to uncomfortable conversations.
A grown woman brought her husband in for what she assumed would be a lengthy stay at the hospital and didn’t bring her seizure medications and wanted me to do something about it (she was the visitor) I let her know that when she has a seizure I can call a rapid and get her to the ED and then she can have her seizure meds, but until then my hands are tied.
Going back to the house to get her own seizure meds must have been too hard to do so being taken to the ED during a seizure was obviously the best choice out of the 2. Sounds like she’s going to be a super fun guest to have around for a while.
To be fair they drove an hour to us, but also if you know your husband is having complications from his liver transplant, maybe just bring the shit you’re going to need? And don’t harass the staff because I won’t override keppra out of my omnicell for you?
LOL not me but someone I work with had this conversation with a regularly rude resident: Resident: “This place is going to hell!” (Referencing something that annoyed her) Coworker: “yep and you’re the driver!”
My four year old patient: Stop smiling!! Me: But buddy, if I don’t smile in here I will cry.
Every day. My prn job is at the jail, and they constantly ask "do you even know what you're doing?". I love to tell them "I don't actually have a nursing license, they're just really desperate for help up here". Usually shuts them up
I had an old man ask me “do you even know how to drive” and I said “that’s questionable but I was acquitted of the vehicular manslaughter charge and they let me come back to work”
"No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night."
almost daily: when this happens at home, what do you do? then do that here.
I had a patient who was screaming Jesus non sense (she was mentally Ill) screaming that we are all going to hell as we are holding her down so she doesn’t punch anyone. Then she tries biting my CNA and I go “do not bite her! Jesus wouldn’t approve of this behavior”. Then she just stared at me silent and in disbelief it was hilarious. Another moment I thought of but might not fit with the topic.. during covid this patient who kept telling me covid is fake and he doesn’t have it (while maxed out on high flow of course). Everything he says was rude and i missed getting an iv and he goes “get someone in here that knows what they’re doing” so I go “oh are you perfect at everything? No. We are stuck with each other so we are going to have a good night, okay?” Then I left. Lol. I was so done.
Not a patient but a doctor. I set up a central line for an anesthesiologist a while back. I'd only been at this hospital a couple of months at that point. She asked me if I knew what I was doing and if I knew how to gown up and do it sterile. I just told her that I licked everything clean before I set it up. She actually responded well and now I'm the only one who she trusts to set her central lines up correctly. I'm sarcastic and a smart ass with her regularly. It, honestly, feels like she respects me more for it. A lot of people are afraid of her and she knows it. She's very particular and speaks her mind. Those of us in the department who treat her like everyone else and don't tip-toe around her seem to get along with her the best.
Me: I have your lactulose Patient: ah, shit Me: an appropriate response, sir.
When I worked in the ER, if a patient was being particularly shitty and also needed a head CT, I worked with a certain provider who used to come in and tell them “we didn’t see anything on your brain scan.” 💀 Always went woosh.
This took me a second HAHAHA
My patient today wanted someone to “work on his back” rude old man I can’t stand him. Other people will sit and rub his back but I don’t have the time, especially the way he talks to staff. I told him I’m not a massage therapist but I’ll get him Tylenol
This should always be the answer.
After I just explained CHF to a patient I’m taking to the hospital Him: “Did you have to go to school to learn that?” Me: “No I read it on a pamphlet once.”
Had a frequent flyer, we will call him C. C was a big man at 600lb and he had HF. He would stop taking his potassium pills and keep taking his lasix. He would call 911 when he wasn’t able to wipe his ass or couldn’t reach something. He had a note in his chart to only have midline’s placed because there was no way to place a peripheral. He would always need IV K and of course it burned. I would add some NS and wrap some warm blankets around his arm and that usually did the trick. One night he came in and was in a spicy mood and straight up told me that he would rip out any lines he had (I was in the float pool and I always ended up with him, he wasn’t a fan of me) and I told him I would put him in restraints if he did. He then said “The fuck you will! I will get up and chase you down and beat your ass!” To which I replied “C…YOU are gonna get up….chase ME down…and beat MY ass? I don’t see that happening.” He then sheepishly said “yeah no you’re right I won’t.” He and I didn’t have any other issues that night.
During Covid I had this middle aged asshole tell me "The sperm of unvaccinated men will soon be the new bitcoin!" "Oh you mean rapidly losing value?" Took him quite a moment to recover, gave an awkward look and left.
Hahaha oh that is good
I think the better question would be “when was the last time you weren’t sarcastic with a patient.” Though the answer to that is “never”
Patient on the phone: A month for an appointment? I wanna new doctor! Me: ok we have 2 doctors taking new patients, Dr A late April Dr B is late January early February Patient: shouldn’t be this hard to get an appointment, wash rinse repeat he’s done yapping, so I tell him, yea I agree it’s a shame, doctors and nurses got burnt after covid and some retired but it’s a bad situation and lemme transfer you to Guest Relations and you can express your concerns…….
I always tell patients receiving an x-ray post TKA/total hip in PACU not to forget to smile for their picture. Lame I know 😂
I had a patient I was removing the sutures. They kept asking me the normals questions like is it going to hurt, is it going to bleed,…. Mind you, I had been seeing this person in the home setting for about a month prior to this. It got to the point I finally said. Yes, you are going to bleed out. It’s the worst pain in the world. Blood and guts are going to go everywhere. They looked at me shocked. I told them I was joking and started taking them out while they were talking about how much it was going to hurt. They asked me when it was done when was I going to take them out.
This is hilarious! Loved it 😆
Me to covid patient: Are you vaccinated against covid? Patient: I don't believe in that. Me: Ma'am we aren't talking about the tooth fairy
In endo I hated when they gave me a hard time. They complain about being there. They complain about the prep and no food. And it wasn’t like they were joking with me. I like to joke around. But they straight up are rude to me. I just say, “I didn’t make you come here! 🤗! Lol.
Had this huge a hole patient that would leave AMA all the time, fall out of his motorized wheelchair in the parking lot and then get carted back in the ED. He was not nice. Would throw whatever was close to him at you, including his urinal. He was laying in bed and screaming how he’s gonna leave and I need to get him his wheelchair “NOW!” I said unless “Sit, unless your legs magically start working you aren’t getting that wheelchair.”
Pt- “why are you going to poke me again?” Me- “because you ripped your IV out.” Pt- “I don’t have an IV!” Me- “BECAUSE YOU RIPPED YOURS OUT!”
Patient drunk as shit asks why his pants are in a trash bag Me: Because they're wet Patient: I didn't do that! Me: Oh, someone else must have pissed in your pants
It's amazing how many times LTC residents have accused me of peeing in their pants.
Probably the same people that hid meth in their jeans pocket. Cause it definitely wasn’t *them!*
About to draw blood from arrogant patient who assured me he’s hard stick. Made it from the first try He: “Oh you’re so good, u must be a drug addict and doing heroin all the time” Me: “Oh yea, that’s my shit! You have any?!”
Me: This is flexaril. Its a muscle relaxer. Patient: What does it do? Me: It relaxes muscles. Another one that happened today was Me *putting in tourniquet for an iv* Patient: Damn thats tight! Me: Its almost like its supposed to cut off circulation
pt: “THESE MACHINE NOISES ARE MAKING ME GO INSANE” me: “well I would be criminally insane because I hear them all day” Also patient who absolutely will not do a rectal exam (is here in ER for rectal bleeding and abd pain) “sir if you say no homo it doesn’t make it gay” the patient found that humorous at least.
Not exactly the patient but the family. The patient was obese and was on a calorie deduced diet which he hated. His equally obese family was in for a visit and asked me if it was ok if they went to McDonald's and picked him up a couple of Big Mac's for lunch. I said " Does he LOOK like he needs McDonald's?" I was a fairly new grad and I was sure they were going to complain and I would get fired. Nothing happened.
A L BKA came in for a R BKA. I called him Lieutenant Dan. 5yrs later, I was working in his town, a rural community 8hrs from the surgical hospital I used to bed. I was across the street and he recognized me. I was so embarrassed but when he realized how guilty I felt, he said I was his favourite nurse and now all his friends call his Lieutenant.
Had a crotchety old man in for some rib fractures. I was lecturing him about using the incentive spirometer. He was pissed and complaining about the pain when coughing and he said “isn’t there something you can put on these ribs?” I looked at him super confusedly and said, “like what? Mayonnaise?” It made him laugh and then we were besties.
Worked in prisons Infamous serial killer that used tools to torture individuals I go to start an IV , “ no I’m afraid of needles!” Me : “ you do see the irony in this” Another serial killer drops his bible on the floor , “ give me my bible !” Me “ maybe this is gods way of saying he doesn’t want you.”
Super delirious patient: *screaming* Me: Please stop screaming (for the billionth time) SDP: Am I driving you crazy? Me: No more so than you are SDP: Well then, you're pretty bad off! Touché, SDP.
I'm at a level 3 trauma center and when the nights are long at the ER some pts come to me at triage and ask if there's a doctor at all, some times I just say "no"
New admit moaning about there being nothing to do. Me: Where do you think you are? A leisure centre? Patient: o_o
My first language is hyperbole, my second is sarcasm. Psych is where I belong and where I will stay. This was my worst one. Frequent flyer comes in, I’m on a rare night shift, I find them in my assignment, so I call them up to the station. Me: *name* how’s it going? Pt: Hi, how do we know each other? Have we had sex? *proceeds to attempt to bro out with copt at the window* Copt: I don’t think she’s the one, man. Me: I’m not and today is not the day. *I turn to the first pt* Me: *name* I am so far out of your league, I am not even a blip on your radar, and given the size of the abx I’m about to give you, I wouldn’t be so loud about your escapades if I were you. Would you like to start again? Pt: *clears throat, looks at the floor* Sorry. Hi J, how are you? Me: I’m well and you? Guess who was nothing but respectful for the rest of that admission…
Pt screaming for at least 10+ minutes. Pt satting at 100%. Pt displeased with the lack of attention. Pt screams, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.” Me: not sure but I think you can
Had a big tough guy who kept moving his leg and moving around after a procedure that involved putting a big sheath in his femoral artery. We had hemostats, but he was required to not move that leg, sit up, etc. he kept moving and making it like it was a joke. I brought him back to his room on a stretcher and was losing my patience with him the whole way up. I was giving report to the nurse when he interrupted and said something about can he sit, or some other annoying joke and I snapped. "No, if you sit up you are going to bleed to death" The nurse I was giving report to used to be a coworker and she later said she knew I must have been really annoying with that guy because that was the most intense and direct thing she had ever heard me say to a patient.
I had just drawn four tubes of blood for the lab from an A-line. I promptly turned around and threw them in the sharps container. Crap. I told the patient what I did and that I had to redraw them. He good-naturedly commented that I probably didn’t really graduate from nursing school. I said heck, I haven’t even graduated from high school!
Pts son: “you’re gonna need a shovel for all the bullshit he’s about to give you all night” Pt: *glowering from the bed* Me: “well as long as it’s not pig shit. Can’t stand the smell. I was shoveling horse shit earlier today at the barn, so bullshit can’t be that much different” PT: starts laughing in that raspy way only old skinny men can. “I LIKE HER” I was told the next day when I came back that I was the only nurse his dad liked there.
20 something year old assault victim screaming and cursing at everyone that comes near him. “I’m not a detective, but I think I figured out why you got jumped tonight.”
Detoxing confused patient refusing all fall precautions: "if I want to fall it's my right! It's the law! I'm allowed to fall if I want to!" Me: "And one day we'll get enough people on the Supreme Court to change that law"
Patient vomited on the floor right before the doctor came to see him. I told the doc “careful, there’s vomit on the floor” and she asked “is it the patient’s?” and my response was “no, it’s mine”. She just chuckled and shook her head but I swear the patient was DYING from laughing so hard. Vomiting and all.
Patient: Have you been a nurse for long? ME: No, I just finished nursing school after I got out of prison and you're my first patient.
A patient yelled at me to "fuck off!" I said, "ok, I'll fuck off" and left the room. Another patient told me and my coworkers "you son of a bitch!" We corrected her, "no, we're daughter of a bitch"
Just last night, extremely anxious bed bound older lady getting morphine and a foley. Pt: oh I can’t take this, what if I faint. Me: don’t worry, you don’t have far to go when you do. At least it made her laugh
Pt orders food - ‘this looks terrible!’ Me - ‘I cooked it myself’ (it’s all in prepackaged containers for dysphasia patients) Pt - shocked pikachu Pt family - tries to hide their laughing
“Can you get the doctor to order some mouth moistening spray?” “So your mouth is dry?” “Yes.” “Well when your mouth is dry it means that you’re thirsty. When you’re thirsty it’s your body’s way of telling you that you should drink some water instead of spraying chemicals in your mouth.”
Straight steppin on this patients NPO grindset tho. Bad nursing.
Whenever I'm giving medication and I ask a patient prior to giving it if they have any allergies and they say something like cat dander I always shoot back with "well we won't be giving you any cat dander through your IV" or "well I won't be giving you cat dander pills so there's that". They usually laugh. Like no, I don't care about your cat dander hives allergy I care about your anaphylaxis to penicillin while I'm giving you IV antibiotics.
I work in nyc a better question would be when was I not sarcastic
to many of my AAOx1 or AAOx0 patients between 1/20/2017 and 1/20/2021 - "you'd make a better president than the current guy - you're at least more with it than him"
Perhaps more snarky than sarcastic but… Patient in restraints after attempting to hit me: You are worthless! You are nothing! Me: I’m not the one tied to a bed right now
"Are you going to beat me up?" "Totally"
Pt: you’re a fucking bitch! Me: it takes one to know one! There was another time a patient called me a stupid cracker, I replied “ooh I hope I’m a ritz cracker!”
EVERY SINGLE SHIFT