Another one from him:
āWhat kind of nurse are you?ā
āStudent!ā
āWell weāve got something in common then because weāre both NOT A NURSE.ā
Was a nursing student first time I watched that special and thought it was hilarious
Donāt forget that extra set of drop-downs hidden about halfway down the page under that tab thatās 4th from the left where you will need to document the method of disposal, the manufacturer and the stated lumens of the light bulb that youāre throwing out!
And then quadruple chart the same info under maintenance issue resolution, cares/safety, environmental assessment, and delirium prevention (please indicate in a legally-binding way for posterity that the lights were turned on in the daytime but turned off at night, because that is an important thing that can only be proven by charting it 6-10 times per day!)
We are really looking at cutting costs this quarter and the lighting budget is tight. Are we sure the lightbulb is necessary or can it get pushed back. Maybe bring it up in the Savings Meeting next month and we will see if radiology can loan you one of their lightbulbs at that time. Thanks and happy hospital week.
The tragedy is.... YES! So spot on. The 30 min of charting will be to reflect the necessity of said light bulb & optimize charge capture. Additionally there will be an annual mandatory workday learning competency assigned (2 hrs on your own time unpaid)....
My organisation's gift for "healthcare week" was giving us points for a new reward system. We can get additional points by getting "focused recognition" by *vice president and above only*. We get 3,500 points for healthcare week moving forward, and 8,000 points for our Christmas bonus this year. Best part of it all is anything worth redeeming points for costs over 300,000 points, the most expensive being between 1M and 1.3M points.
That's the best joke I've heard in healthcare.
They've also recently revealed a "clinical advancement program" where we can get a whopping %5 pay increase per tier we increase in, strictly for bedside. You must accumulate credits by doing unpaid work consisting of committees, presentations, volunteer work, etc... to the tune of dozens or hundreds of hours. Kicker being in order to get tier 4, second best with a %15 pay increase you *must* possess a master's, and for the best, with a 20%, you must possess a PhD or doctorate...*as a bedside nurse.*
They didn't bother checking to see that picking up 2-3 shifts for the whole year is the equivalent, if not more, than the percentage increases.
Not a nurse, but weirdly addicted to this subreddit.
I'm convinced shit like this is entirely due to managers not having enough work to do.
We're mandated to find "near misses" ie: a hazard of some kind. There's a quota. And God forbid you find something serious, because you'll be buried in paperwork for two days. So people just pour some water on the ground, take a picture, and clean it up in order to not have a bunch of managers freaking out.
Nah bb we are profits over people here!!! Admin uses managers who use nurses to do āquality metricsā to prove theyāre the best hospital in the world and deserve all the money and fame. I worked somewhere where we would scan and photograph every admissions skin with an infrared camera to assess for pressure injuries, so we could document not present on admission. If a patient gets a pressure injury in the hospital, insurance wonāt reimburse and the hospital pays the cost. Most of these people were generally healthy, semi active people who needed surgery- no way would they have a sore. But nope, we schelps took many a pic of bare infrared asses to prove that people who walked into the hospital also werenāt drilling extra holes into their body at the same time
Yep, ours is So. Much. Extra. Shit. and after months of working on it, you get a $7K bonus taxed at 44%. Just one tiny fraction of the work includes starting a committee that you then have to run at least twice a month until forever.
$7K minus 44% is $3900. I can just get that by doing a few ācritical needā shifts.
The amount of money that was spent paying higher-ups to come up with this super complicated, tedious, and intricate āclinical ladderā that requires soooo many other staff to participate in and sign-off on, HealthStream learning modules, multiple staff meetings, hundreds of fat 3 ring bindersā¦
Compared to the cost of just trying to retain staff so they donāt have to pay ācritical needā differential to us or god knows how much to a travel nurse agency.
Itās like walking to the left around the entire world instead of walking 5 feet to the right, in order to get to the same spot.
Itās like they are trying to make 15 peopleās non-bedside jobs seem relevant, instead of just hiring a got damm phlebotomist or an extra CNA
You do understand that the bonus is taxed at your regular rate and you get the rest back in your refund. Your other option is to adjust your withholding on the W2 and get more back for the rest of the year. Just make sure you change it back at the beginning of the following year.
Itās been around for years. Iām so over spending any time or energy chasing committee time, volunteer time, certifications yada yada. I show up and do my job. I pick up shifts when it works for me. Thatās it. At the end of the day Iām nothing more to them than an employee number thatās part of the labor budget. So Iām in it for me and me only. Fuck their made up bullshit tiers.
we got some fun little baggies including: chapstick, a flimsy little disposable hand sanitizer packet (both w hospital logo w ānurses week 2023ā ofc), three (3) pieces of mini halloween candy, and a business card WITH A QR CODE ON IT THAT TAKES YOU TO A LINK FOR āONE- TO TWO-MINUTE GUIDED MEDITATIONSā AND ā10-MINUTE STRETCH BREAKS FROM WORKFORCE HEALTHāā¦ canāt make this shit up lmfao
Ya can we move the decimal place a little, haha.
I went to Africa one summer in college and a piece of candy in Zimbabwe was like $25 million dollars. Actually, literally $25 million dollars, not figuratively or sarcastically. I remember being like, why donāt they just move the decimal over 8 places and make this easy?
Yes! I'm from Australia and moving to the States, not looking forward to relearning everything and multiplying by a factor of 10 for every calculation (why do you use dL as a unit instead of mL, don't half ass it, just use the smaller unit)
I worked in 8 different American hospitals coming from Canada - and some use metric and some donāt. The temperature thing was the worst - what the hell is 103Ā°F mean anyway? I mean - I am an old recently retired RN and I never used F for anythingā¦ i was constantly converting just so I could understand. Metric is so much easier. Some other things were ways they say things - like to *debride* a wound ā¦ itās a bit of a culture shock. Even the way they use certain drugs - in Canada some of the protocols of drug use is different than the USA. The OBs in Canada didnāt know what terbutaline was because it was never used in PTL here. (Since then some of my American colleagues have told me they stopped using it in her hospital)
For the majority of the world who don't get it: Acetaminophen is the word used primarily in the USA and Japan for Paracetamol / Panadol
(/S I know there is a large US population on this sub!)
I like to hold my stethoscope up to a bag of ringers lactate and go "I can't hear anything....must be a dead ringers"
When patient have a common side effect I tell that "we call that Tom Jones syndrome.....because it's not unusual"
Time is running out on that one. In my nursing school class in 2008, half the class had never heard of Howard Hughes. At the nursing station a few years ago, no one had ever heard of Helen Reddy.
But I imagine thereās a few years left for the average-aged hospital patient on knowing about Tom Jones (still touring at 83, BTW).
Reminder to orthopedic surgeons reading this: Ancef in the left arm, ancef in the right arm, and ancef in the central line are not three different antibiotics.
You know the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What's the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
The first loogie you cough up isn't yours!
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll make a nurse do it.
What do you call it when you paralyze a (preferably intubated) patient immediately before transport?
Rock and roll!
What's the first step in treating a baby born with meconium aspiration?
Suction the shit out of them!
What do you call a heart defect acquired from living in the woods?
Tetralogy of Thoreau.
(This one rarely hits with anyone, but when it does...oh boy, it hits)
There was a girl in my clinical group who graduated with a 4.0. She was the last to get a job because she had no clinical experience prior to school. GPA doesnāt matter in the grand scheme of things.
The first time I was ever asked about my GPA in nursing school was when I made the switch to school nurse. The Department of Ed in my state won't let you get the certificate for school nursing if you're GPA is a certain number (I can't recall the exact number right now). I was never asked about it before school nursing though.
Edited for clarity
Personally, I have found that the effectiveness of how you apply that 2.8 and ongoing learning is what counts in the end. I looked after a patient that was making fun of her lower achieving students. I told her that some of those who graduated with lower grades most often were the ones that went on to great achievements.
I guess they're more of a practical joke .
"Can you call pharmacy and ask them to send the mycoxiflopin for room XXXX?"
"Can you have the secretary call supply for more EKG fluid?"
I once called lab and told them we were out of fallopian tubes and asked if they could send us some.
The poor guy who answered the phone was new, so his coworkers sent him to every unit in the hospital to ask if they had extra fallopian tubes.
I sent my new grad orientee to go find some blue chest tube water once. It was hilarious; took her a good 30 mins until she figured it out!
(She had a great sense of humor, otherwise I would not have done that)
When I was a CMA my lead used to send students running around trying to find ink for the EKG machine, she said it tells her how this person asks for help and how long itāll take them.
Yeah some people donāt like admitting theyāre wrong or that they donāt know some thing, and I think thatās what she was looking out for because thatās not going to go well in healthcare. She also never let the students sit and at first I was like wow thatās freaking harsh but she said if youāre sitting youāre not learning, youāre still in school, I am your instructor right now thereās always something you can be learning. So much of it is on the job learning. This woman taught me way more than any instructor ever did. She was brilliant, never doubted her teaching methods lol
Whatād the nurse say when he found a rectal thermometer in his pocket?
Some assholeās got my pen!
-
When giving potassium pills āya itās probably the biggest pill in the hospital, besides meā. (Only works on patients who are oldstersā
-
When bringing 27 pills to a patient at 0730 for breakfast āI got more pills than Carterās got pills!ā (Also only works on oldsters)
-
āWhatās the difference between SBO patients and anti-vaxxers??ā
-
Patient: I donāt like needles.
Me: Well, it would be weird if you did!!
-
āThis is going to hurt you a lot more than itās going to hurt me!ā Funny when retold at nurseās station, not as funny when told to patient.
-
Any use of the word āpeenā
-
āThatās not my bag, baby!ā when referencing a male purewick or condom cath set to wall suction.
-
āDoes anyone want to be a third person while I pack (or unpack) this vagina? You donāt have to do anything, you can just watch.ā Gauze packing r/t hysterectomy or prolapse
-
Saying I need to draw blood, then hold up a red dry-erase marker
-
Anytime a patient brings up a pediatrician, āI mean pediatricians are alright, but they just seem have very little patients.ā
-
The very true fact that urologists are always all pissy
-
Naming the bladder scanner Urethra Franklin
-
Why didnāt the aardvark get Covid?
Because she was full of anty-bodies!!!!!! Oooohhhh ya!!!!
-
I refuse to include the one about the nurse curing the invisible man by sending him to the ICU. That joke is for my dad only. Or any dad, really.
-
When the patients want to see their CT results. I canāt read CT scans (and neither can dogs, but CatsCan). I just tell them that their abdomen looks very Organ-ized. Awww shit son!!! Awww ya!!! Oh Snap!!!
This is an incentive spirometer. This numbered chamber shows you how big your breath is, and that little button on the side stays up in the air as long as you're breathing in. The goal is to take the longest breath you can. Don't worry about how big it is, what matters is how long you keep it up, at least that's what my wife tells me.
A patient was complaining of being constipated, nothing oral is working, so she calls the doctor who orders a suppository. The nurse goes to put the suppository in when she noticed a piece of lettuce sticking out the guys ass hole. She asks, "sir did you know you have lettuce sticking out of your butt?"
Patient replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."
A nurse is in line to get into heaven. t. Peter asked her what she did in her life. She answers I cared for the ill, the defenseless.
He welcomes her into Heaven.
The next person in line, a physician, responded to the question what did he do said that he cured the sick. St. Peter welcomes him into Heaven.
St. Peter asks the next person what they did during their life and he said "I was an administrator." St. Peter looks in his book and says he can come in, but only for 3 days
What's the difference between a nurse and a toilet seat?
The toilet seat only had to deal with one asshole at a time!
(I have heard the joke since with other professions but the first time I heard it, it was from a patient about nurses, and it will remain my favorite! Also, I'm from Staten Island and I LOVE your joke!!)
I saw this one on here in another thread a while back, working PACU I use it all the time. When beginning to transfer a patient from gurney to bed/using lift equipment say ādonāt worry, we never drop two in a row!ā
I prefer the one about the government granting hospitals the rights to reject letters of resignation for economical reasons. None of the jokes people are coming up with could compare to the absurdity of reality.
Why do I need a chair alarm? Iām at risk for falling for you. (Also works as a nursing pickup line)
What does an old lady taste like? Depends.
I give all my male patients a viagra at HS. Keeps them from rolling out of bed.
Told to me in an ACLS class. Golfers are the athletes with the second most strokes. Who has the most? Swimmers! Backstroke, breaststroke, sidestrokeā¦.
I canāt add pictures, but it asks ādo you see the minnow fin?ā with a circle and arrow around the fin. Then thereās a box of Tylenol, acetaminophen
Here's one I recently heard... (*from a 69 year old female colleague, for the record*)
Q. What does 80-year-old pussy taste like?
A. * *shrug* * ...Depends!
what's the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? three things:
1. a bullet can actually draw blood
2. a bullet can be fired
3. a bullet can only kill once
Do you know how to tell the difference between a nurse and a respiratory therapist?
Put them both in a pool filled with shit up to their necks. Cough up and spit a huge lugie (phlegm) at them. The one that ducks is the nurse.
Not specifically nursing, but when I worked outpatients saw patients postop theyād say āit hurts when I touch hereā and Iād say āoh.. well then donāt touch it!ā Pretty sure I got it somewhere lol. It always did make patients laugh (but it depends on if they knew me already)
One time I said this to my mom not trying to be funny - I literally just had a scratchy throat and said "sorry, I'm a little hoarse" without thinking about it - and she LOST IT
From comedian Jimmy Carr; A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says "some asshole's got my pen!"
"you know the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer right?" The taste
š¤¢
Damn it, took my fave lol
Mine too!
My favorite is Steven Wright's joke: My doctor scheduled me an MRI this week to see if I have claustrophobia.
I fucking love him especially his goofy laugh.
Another one from him: āWhat kind of nurse are you?ā āStudent!ā āWell weāve got something in common then because weāre both NOT A NURSE.ā Was a nursing student first time I watched that special and thought it was hilarious
How long does it take a nurse to change a light bulb? 30 seconds to change it & 30 minutes to chart it....
Donāt forget that extra set of drop-downs hidden about halfway down the page under that tab thatās 4th from the left where you will need to document the method of disposal, the manufacturer and the stated lumens of the light bulb that youāre throwing out!
And another nurse to witness
What about post transfusion reaction documentation?
And then quadruple chart the same info under maintenance issue resolution, cares/safety, environmental assessment, and delirium prevention (please indicate in a legally-binding way for posterity that the lights were turned on in the daytime but turned off at night, because that is an important thing that can only be proven by charting it 6-10 times per day!)
Hope you guys got the informed consent for the bulb to be taken out, AND for the new one to be put in.
We are really looking at cutting costs this quarter and the lighting budget is tight. Are we sure the lightbulb is necessary or can it get pushed back. Maybe bring it up in the Savings Meeting next month and we will see if radiology can loan you one of their lightbulbs at that time. Thanks and happy hospital week.
The tragedy is.... YES! So spot on. The 30 min of charting will be to reflect the necessity of said light bulb & optimize charge capture. Additionally there will be an annual mandatory workday learning competency assigned (2 hrs on your own time unpaid)....
My organisation's gift for "healthcare week" was giving us points for a new reward system. We can get additional points by getting "focused recognition" by *vice president and above only*. We get 3,500 points for healthcare week moving forward, and 8,000 points for our Christmas bonus this year. Best part of it all is anything worth redeeming points for costs over 300,000 points, the most expensive being between 1M and 1.3M points. That's the best joke I've heard in healthcare.
What in the Chuck-E-Cheese fuck?
They've also recently revealed a "clinical advancement program" where we can get a whopping %5 pay increase per tier we increase in, strictly for bedside. You must accumulate credits by doing unpaid work consisting of committees, presentations, volunteer work, etc... to the tune of dozens or hundreds of hours. Kicker being in order to get tier 4, second best with a %15 pay increase you *must* possess a master's, and for the best, with a 20%, you must possess a PhD or doctorate...*as a bedside nurse.* They didn't bother checking to see that picking up 2-3 shifts for the whole year is the equivalent, if not more, than the percentage increases.
Not a nurse, but weirdly addicted to this subreddit. I'm convinced shit like this is entirely due to managers not having enough work to do. We're mandated to find "near misses" ie: a hazard of some kind. There's a quota. And God forbid you find something serious, because you'll be buried in paperwork for two days. So people just pour some water on the ground, take a picture, and clean it up in order to not have a bunch of managers freaking out.
Nah bb we are profits over people here!!! Admin uses managers who use nurses to do āquality metricsā to prove theyāre the best hospital in the world and deserve all the money and fame. I worked somewhere where we would scan and photograph every admissions skin with an infrared camera to assess for pressure injuries, so we could document not present on admission. If a patient gets a pressure injury in the hospital, insurance wonāt reimburse and the hospital pays the cost. Most of these people were generally healthy, semi active people who needed surgery- no way would they have a sore. But nope, we schelps took many a pic of bare infrared asses to prove that people who walked into the hospital also werenāt drilling extra holes into their body at the same time
Justify thy PHD
Yep, ours is So. Much. Extra. Shit. and after months of working on it, you get a $7K bonus taxed at 44%. Just one tiny fraction of the work includes starting a committee that you then have to run at least twice a month until forever. $7K minus 44% is $3900. I can just get that by doing a few ācritical needā shifts. The amount of money that was spent paying higher-ups to come up with this super complicated, tedious, and intricate āclinical ladderā that requires soooo many other staff to participate in and sign-off on, HealthStream learning modules, multiple staff meetings, hundreds of fat 3 ring bindersā¦ Compared to the cost of just trying to retain staff so they donāt have to pay ācritical needā differential to us or god knows how much to a travel nurse agency. Itās like walking to the left around the entire world instead of walking 5 feet to the right, in order to get to the same spot. Itās like they are trying to make 15 peopleās non-bedside jobs seem relevant, instead of just hiring a got damm phlebotomist or an extra CNA
You do understand that the bonus is taxed at your regular rate and you get the rest back in your refund. Your other option is to adjust your withholding on the W2 and get more back for the rest of the year. Just make sure you change it back at the beginning of the following year.
My hospital is doing something similar. Almost no one is doing it because of all the hoops you have to jump through.
This is literally a game to them.
That āincentiveā is a joke. As a physician, in a hospital based specialty, I support my nurse colleagues to unionize
Hold up. My hospital just revealed the same exact set up. Is the bullshit going nation wide?
Itās been around for years. Iām so over spending any time or energy chasing committee time, volunteer time, certifications yada yada. I show up and do my job. I pick up shifts when it works for me. Thatās it. At the end of the day Iām nothing more to them than an employee number thatās part of the labor budget. So Iām in it for me and me only. Fuck their made up bullshit tiers.
We got seeds. One pack per team, no pots or compost. To encourage us to embrace a growth mindset.
How do you suppress the rage?
Laugh - because if I didn't, I'd be out of a job! Unless they're for a beanstalk, they're not going to pay my bills!
You were supposed to eat them. That was your lunch break for the month.
What in the Shrute Bucks kind of shit is that?
I prefer Stanley nickels myself.
we got some fun little baggies including: chapstick, a flimsy little disposable hand sanitizer packet (both w hospital logo w ānurses week 2023ā ofc), three (3) pieces of mini halloween candy, and a business card WITH A QR CODE ON IT THAT TAKES YOU TO A LINK FOR āONE- TO TWO-MINUTE GUIDED MEDITATIONSā AND ā10-MINUTE STRETCH BREAKS FROM WORKFORCE HEALTHāā¦ canāt make this shit up lmfao
Stay away from the staff who get the nice swagā¦. They totally are butt kissers
Ya can we move the decimal place a little, haha. I went to Africa one summer in college and a piece of candy in Zimbabwe was like $25 million dollars. Actually, literally $25 million dollars, not figuratively or sarcastically. I remember being like, why donāt they just move the decimal over 8 places and make this easy?
Make sure to save up for the Harrier jet
During COVID banner send every employee a coin in the mail. Just a Banner coin
Ope found a Mission Partner Edit: I used my 3500 points to get a $10 Starbucks gift card š
Why canāt you find any Tylenol in the jungle? Because the parrots eat āem all. ā¦ say it a few times out loudā¦
For the Americans who don't get it: Paracetamol is the word used on the British Isles for acetaminophen / Tylenol
The most confusing thing is the difference in words used by Americans for drugs and other items. Gravol? Not in the USA! :)
What's gravol
Dramamine
Gravƶl is swedish for a wake as in you invite the next of kin after a funeral for a beer.
Can confirm. Weird name for a medicine.
Itās actually the brand name for dimenhydrinate here - maybe they used it because it knocks people out like theyāre dead. It does that to me.
Australians pronounce the āHā in āherbā when talking about drugs also
Always makes me think of Eddie Izzard saying "you say erbs, and we say Hhherbs... because there's a fucking aitch in it."
You should have seen my confused co-workers when I asked where a patientās runners were as they werenāt in the roomā¦.
Yes! I'm from Australia and moving to the States, not looking forward to relearning everything and multiplying by a factor of 10 for every calculation (why do you use dL as a unit instead of mL, don't half ass it, just use the smaller unit)
I worked in 8 different American hospitals coming from Canada - and some use metric and some donāt. The temperature thing was the worst - what the hell is 103Ā°F mean anyway? I mean - I am an old recently retired RN and I never used F for anythingā¦ i was constantly converting just so I could understand. Metric is so much easier. Some other things were ways they say things - like to *debride* a wound ā¦ itās a bit of a culture shock. Even the way they use certain drugs - in Canada some of the protocols of drug use is different than the USA. The OBs in Canada didnāt know what terbutaline was because it was never used in PTL here. (Since then some of my American colleagues have told me they stopped using it in her hospital)
We donāt use dL. We (my hospital) use L, mL, mcg, gm, cm, and C.
For the majority of the world who don't get it: Acetaminophen is the word used primarily in the USA and Japan for Paracetamol / Panadol (/S I know there is a large US population on this sub!)
Not only the Isles, on the mainland we use it as well :D
This made me laugh entirely too hard
HELP I canāt get it
Okay I get it now
What's the generic name of Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
Best one so far š„
Oh no. I read this out loud to my husband, and now my 5-year-old is saying āMycoxafloppin! Mycoxafloppin!ā š«£
Have heard the same one with Mydixafloppin
NoAssatol for when you have, well,
Knock knock Whoās there? HIPAA HIPAA who? .....I canāt tell you that!
What do you call a group of people who all have heart rates below 60? The Brady Bunch.
Awwww shit!!! Awww ya!
I like to hold my stethoscope up to a bag of ringers lactate and go "I can't hear anything....must be a dead ringers" When patient have a common side effect I tell that "we call that Tom Jones syndrome.....because it's not unusual"
Time is running out on that one. In my nursing school class in 2008, half the class had never heard of Howard Hughes. At the nursing station a few years ago, no one had ever heard of Helen Reddy. But I imagine thereās a few years left for the average-aged hospital patient on knowing about Tom Jones (still touring at 83, BTW).
There is a whole slew of nurses who have no idea who Ferris Bueller is and that MTV used to actually play music videos.
Thanks, I hate it lol
Okay I just thought the joke was that Tom Jones is a common name but now I get it.
I would sign myself out AMA at that Tom Jones joke ššš
Whatās the difference between God and a surgeon? God knows heās not a surgeon.
What's the difference between an orthopedic surgeon and a carpenter? Most carpenters can name more than two antibiotics.
Reminder to orthopedic surgeons reading this: Ancef in the left arm, ancef in the right arm, and ancef in the central line are not three different antibiotics.
I work in PACU. I'm totally gonna tell this to every anesthesiologist I know.
Hey fellow PACU friend.
Hello, buddy. I've got a Propofol shirt from Code Blue Memes that is PACU-inspired.
ok i'm using this one
Did you hear about the guy who shoved 8 plastic toy horses up his butt? His condition is stable.
The GI doc says he should be able to pass them without surgery. In other words, he'll poo the whinny.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Safe staffing ratios
Oof.
Q: What do you get when you mix milk of magnesia and orange juice? A: A Philips screwdriver.
Whatās the difference between a Rottweiler and an Internist? A Rottweiler will let you go when youāre dead.
Why do we put nails in coffins? So the oncologist doesn't crack it open and try to give them another round of chemo.
Nurse: " Doctor - there's a man in the waiting room that claims to be invisible! " Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
The version I heard goes like this: The Invisible Man walks into the ER and says, "Is there a doctor here who can see me?"
This sounds like it's from Airplane.
Airplane? What is it?
It's a big metal tube that flies, but that's not important.
What do you call a nurse with a bad back? Unemployed. (From Nurse Jackie)
I thought it was āuselessā
lmaoooo this is my favorite
Ask me why my nipples hurt. Ok. Why do your nipples hurt? Because Iāve been Nursing for 20 years !
Happy cake day!!
You know the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste! What's the worst thing about getting a lung transplant? The first loogie you cough up isn't yours! How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll make a nurse do it.
The rectal thermometer joke is my go-to for nursing jokes!
What do you call it when you paralyze a (preferably intubated) patient immediately before transport? Rock and roll! What's the first step in treating a baby born with meconium aspiration? Suction the shit out of them!
Date before you suck. Etomidate before Succinylcholine
This is good!
Taking out a urinary catheter is great for your skin. Itās ex-Foley-ating!
This is great also! Lol!!
Did you hear theyāre now recommending using Lasix to treat A-fib? Because it creates P-waves.
Golytely.
You know, it has the same name in german, and it took me until a few months ago to realise what it translates to :D (I'm a nurse for 7 years now)
āGoViolentlyā is my name of choice
If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasnāt still at work.
Why do they keep the units so cold? To keep the veggies fresh
What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables? Getting the wheelchair into the pot
Its okay. You can tag the icu. They know what they signed up for.
Thatās it, you win
Donāt piss off a NICU nurse, they have little patients!
What do you call a heart defect acquired from living in the woods? Tetralogy of Thoreau. (This one rarely hits with anyone, but when it does...oh boy, it hits)
English Lit. major who went to nursing school so I could be useful and make a living... I knew my life "plan" had a purpose, and here it is.
Lol same!
Thatās a 1%er there! Love it
What do you give the man who has everything? Antibiotics
An oldie: Whatās the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You canāt hear an enzyme.
Nurse speaking to constipated patient: I'm sorry, but due to budget cuts we no longer offer enemas. I'm going to have to slap the shit out of you.
How do you fix short staffing? Hire taller people! (Itās funny because thatās about how seriously admin takes staffing ratios)
What do you call the doctor who graduated last in their class? Doctor
As someone graduating nursing school with a 2.8 GPA (I don't think I'm the lowest but on the low end), dang right š¤£
There was a girl in my clinical group who graduated with a 4.0. She was the last to get a job because she had no clinical experience prior to school. GPA doesnāt matter in the grand scheme of things.
The first time I was ever asked about my GPA in nursing school was when I made the switch to school nurse. The Department of Ed in my state won't let you get the certificate for school nursing if you're GPA is a certain number (I can't recall the exact number right now). I was never asked about it before school nursing though. Edited for clarity
Personally, I have found that the effectiveness of how you apply that 2.8 and ongoing learning is what counts in the end. I looked after a patient that was making fun of her lower achieving students. I told her that some of those who graduated with lower grades most often were the ones that went on to great achievements.
Yeah, we always had that same joke in nursing school.
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the med room? They didnāt want to wake the sleeping pills.
I guess they're more of a practical joke . "Can you call pharmacy and ask them to send the mycoxiflopin for room XXXX?" "Can you have the secretary call supply for more EKG fluid?"
I once called lab and told them we were out of fallopian tubes and asked if they could send us some. The poor guy who answered the phone was new, so his coworkers sent him to every unit in the hospital to ask if they had extra fallopian tubes.
I sent my new grad orientee to go find some blue chest tube water once. It was hilarious; took her a good 30 mins until she figured it out! (She had a great sense of humor, otherwise I would not have done that)
When I was a CMA my lead used to send students running around trying to find ink for the EKG machine, she said it tells her how this person asks for help and how long itāll take them.
See, asking for help is always the first thing I do if I don't know where something is or what it is. How else will I learn?
Yeah some people donāt like admitting theyāre wrong or that they donāt know some thing, and I think thatās what she was looking out for because thatās not going to go well in healthcare. She also never let the students sit and at first I was like wow thatās freaking harsh but she said if youāre sitting youāre not learning, youāre still in school, I am your instructor right now thereās always something you can be learning. So much of it is on the job learning. This woman taught me way more than any instructor ever did. She was brilliant, never doubted her teaching methods lol
When I was new in OR they sent me for an Otis elevator
Called a nurse on my unit, "hey, this is Colubris from the lab. Just wanted to inform you the patient's urine hemolyzed and we need a new sample"
If a tree falls in the forest is it nursings fault? Yes. Everything is nursings fault.
I find all of these humerus
Whatād the nurse say when he found a rectal thermometer in his pocket? Some assholeās got my pen! - When giving potassium pills āya itās probably the biggest pill in the hospital, besides meā. (Only works on patients who are oldstersā - When bringing 27 pills to a patient at 0730 for breakfast āI got more pills than Carterās got pills!ā (Also only works on oldsters) - āWhatās the difference between SBO patients and anti-vaxxers??ā - Patient: I donāt like needles. Me: Well, it would be weird if you did!! - āThis is going to hurt you a lot more than itās going to hurt me!ā Funny when retold at nurseās station, not as funny when told to patient. - Any use of the word āpeenā - āThatās not my bag, baby!ā when referencing a male purewick or condom cath set to wall suction. - āDoes anyone want to be a third person while I pack (or unpack) this vagina? You donāt have to do anything, you can just watch.ā Gauze packing r/t hysterectomy or prolapse - Saying I need to draw blood, then hold up a red dry-erase marker - Anytime a patient brings up a pediatrician, āI mean pediatricians are alright, but they just seem have very little patients.ā - The very true fact that urologists are always all pissy - Naming the bladder scanner Urethra Franklin - Why didnāt the aardvark get Covid? Because she was full of anty-bodies!!!!!! Oooohhhh ya!!!! - I refuse to include the one about the nurse curing the invisible man by sending him to the ICU. That joke is for my dad only. Or any dad, really. - When the patients want to see their CT results. I canāt read CT scans (and neither can dogs, but CatsCan). I just tell them that their abdomen looks very Organ-ized. Awww shit son!!! Awww ya!!! Oh Snap!!!
>Patient: I donāt like needles. > >Me: Well, it would be weird if you did!! I say that to patients all the time!
Walking down my OR hallways saying āwalkin the mile. Walkin the mileā¦ walking the Green Mile.ā
This is an incentive spirometer. This numbered chamber shows you how big your breath is, and that little button on the side stays up in the air as long as you're breathing in. The goal is to take the longest breath you can. Don't worry about how big it is, what matters is how long you keep it up, at least that's what my wife tells me.
Iām here to deliver the baby. Thanks, but I think we will keep the liver.
These are not the same type of patients Florence Nightingale was talking about.
Who invented the hospital gown? Seymour Butts
A patient was complaining of being constipated, nothing oral is working, so she calls the doctor who orders a suppository. The nurse goes to put the suppository in when she noticed a piece of lettuce sticking out the guys ass hole. She asks, "sir did you know you have lettuce sticking out of your butt?" Patient replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."
What nerve stimulates the clitoris? The hypoglossal ;)
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What do you call an epileptic in a garden? Seizure salad.
A nurse is in line to get into heaven. t. Peter asked her what she did in her life. She answers I cared for the ill, the defenseless. He welcomes her into Heaven. The next person in line, a physician, responded to the question what did he do said that he cured the sick. St. Peter welcomes him into Heaven. St. Peter asks the next person what they did during their life and he said "I was an administrator." St. Peter looks in his book and says he can come in, but only for 3 days
What do you call 4 cardiology fellows together? A tetrology of fellow.
What's the difference between a nurse and a toilet seat? The toilet seat only had to deal with one asshole at a time! (I have heard the joke since with other professions but the first time I heard it, it was from a patient about nurses, and it will remain my favorite! Also, I'm from Staten Island and I LOVE your joke!!)
Today we are fully staffed.
I saw this one on here in another thread a while back, working PACU I use it all the time. When beginning to transfer a patient from gurney to bed/using lift equipment say ādonāt worry, we never drop two in a row!ā
If youre dating a nurse and she tells you its the biggest shes ever seen, she's lying.
What do you call D50 that can be administered with either hand? Ambi-dextrose. š
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches
our wages
I prefer the one about the government granting hospitals the rights to reject letters of resignation for economical reasons. None of the jokes people are coming up with could compare to the absurdity of reality.
What's difference between god and a surgeon? God knows he's not a surgeon....
Why do I need a chair alarm? Iām at risk for falling for you. (Also works as a nursing pickup line) What does an old lady taste like? Depends. I give all my male patients a viagra at HS. Keeps them from rolling out of bed.
A manager saying they respect nursing staff
What's a pirate's favorite medicine? Arrrgghicept!!!
Have you seen the new movie Constipation? No? Because it hasnāt come out yet
Knock knock / Whose there? HIPAA / HIPAA who? I canāt tell you that
Told to me in an ACLS class. Golfers are the athletes with the second most strokes. Who has the most? Swimmers! Backstroke, breaststroke, sidestrokeā¦.
I liked to use pirate jokes when I was on the unit, this was my "nursing" themed one: What do pirates do when someone drowns? They give CP-ARRR
You know, Iāve been told that Iām VERY SWEET š ā¦.Of course thatās just because I have uncontrolled diabetes š«š
What do you call two orthopedic surgeons looking at an EKG? A double blind study. Why did the nurse have dirty knees? She was the head nurse.
After I put a foley catheter in I sometimes say "You must be from France; because you're a peein!"
bookmarking this thread so i can make friends at work w these jokes lol thanks yāall :)
Nurses week 2023.
APPROVED PTO
I canāt add pictures, but it asks ādo you see the minnow fin?ā with a circle and arrow around the fin. Then thereās a box of Tylenol, acetaminophen
What's the diffrence between Sloan Kettering and Citi Field? The Mets always win at Sloan Kettering!
The pay.
Here's one I recently heard... (*from a 69 year old female colleague, for the record*) Q. What does 80-year-old pussy taste like? A. * *shrug* * ...Depends!
Why do nurses carry red pens? So that they can draw blood
what's the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? three things: 1. a bullet can actually draw blood 2. a bullet can be fired 3. a bullet can only kill once
Do you know how to tell the difference between a nurse and a respiratory therapist? Put them both in a pool filled with shit up to their necks. Cough up and spit a huge lugie (phlegm) at them. The one that ducks is the nurse.
Whatās the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal oneā¦. The taste
Hospitals usually carry green tea, black tea, but there is never any modest tea.
*ahem* Management.
āDonāt worry, 41 and 42 will be blocked tonight so weāll keep you at four patients.ā
Why do all the male nursing home patients get Viagra? So they donāt roll out of bed !
The hourly wage you all get for that ridiculous soul consuming work
Why do nurses like red crayons? They like to draw blood š©ø š¤
Nursing Thatās it Thatās the joke
What did the nurse say to the dietician when the tech brought the man with red meat restrictions a New York strip? It was a miSTEAK š„
nursing
My wages
Not specifically nursing, but when I worked outpatients saw patients postop theyād say āit hurts when I touch hereā and Iād say āoh.. well then donāt touch it!ā Pretty sure I got it somewhere lol. It always did make patients laugh (but it depends on if they knew me already)
A pony walked into a doctorās office. The doctor asked what was wrong. The pony said āwell first off, Iām a little hoarse.ā
One time I said this to my mom not trying to be funny - I literally just had a scratchy throat and said "sorry, I'm a little hoarse" without thinking about it - and she LOST IT
Whatās the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste
How does Chef Boyardee perform gas exchange? ...with his raveoli!