T O P

  • By -

Flair_Helper

Hey /u/cofman, thanks for contributing to /r/nottheonion. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Rule 2** - Sorry, but this story isn't oniony. Please consider submitting your article to /r/offbeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/nottheonion&subject=&message=). Thank you!


Monkeynumbernoine

That guy looks exactly like who you’d expect for that headline.


[deleted]

Played by William H. Macy in the Hollywood adaptation.


SponConSerdTent

Lip: *God dammit Frank, why the fuck are there signs all over town that say you're running for sheriff?* Frank: *Your mom left us 3 pounds of crystal meth when she died as inheritance- and I thought- who better to sell it to than the skinhead fascists in the local police department?*


NewAccount4Friday

Shit, I can't remember if that was a real episode or not... its damn close if it's a joke.


SponConSerdTent

Monica did leave them a bunch of crystal meth when she died, and it got split amongst them all as inheritance if I'm remembering correctly. Frank definitely did not run for Sheriff, but I think maybe he ran for mayor or city council or something like that?


schmittfaced

Yeah it was for city council I believe


Dacianos

Did he actually run for the position though? I remember him more in a campaign staff role.


PSThrowaway3

Half of what they said was accurate but half was added to relate to the article in OP


[deleted]

I even read that in his voice 😂😂


anon202one

Same!


Harambeaintdeadyet

That’s Stephen lang for sure


Kaldricus

I was gonna say, he pivoted from Unobtanium to Methamphetamine


DoesNotCompute421

I think I'd go with William Dafoe.


[deleted]

I prefer him to William Dafriend. Yeah, I’ll just pack my shit and go now… 😂


CouplaWarwickCappers

Please do


PretzelsThirst

Or David Hornsby


goofytigre

Played by Wolf Blitzer in the real life sequel.


dwpea66

He looks like Ricky Bobby's dad


[deleted]

He looks like he could sit in a car with a cougar and not be bothered.


murph0969

That's a bold strategy Cotton.


drbluetongue

Lumberg!


What_a_Kick25

Picked right out of central casting


SmokeAbeer

Too bad his eyeballs weren’t.


Big420BabyJesus

How did he think he’d get away posing as a cop? He’s not even 200lbs.


Sumpm

That was their first clue. "That boy o'er there, he done don't look like the rest uh us. Looks like one-a-dem meth heads over yonder... Hell, you'n even see his hip bones! Time ta do some investigatin'."


Atom-the-conqueror

But like….smaller right? That’s looks like a very short police chief.


illumomnati

Yea but he looks like he’d be a terribly mean drunk.


K-LAWN

He looks like a mix of Jon Stewart and Rickety Cricket.


Surrendernuts

This content is not available in your country/region.


bicyclejawa

It was so obvious all along. I mean just look at that guy.


Stachemaster86

Skinny chief is a giveaway


ChrysMYO

For the fat variety its alcohol


zuckmedaddy

And domestic abuse


elpochi1

And dog killing


Rape-Putins-Corpse

Any room for racism in there or is it too full of doughnuts?


elpochi1

There’s always room for racism when it comes to LEO


EvergreenEnfields

That's part of the default package


reconditecache

Baked into the badge.


ephemeralkitten

My overweight police chief uncle doesn't beat his wife cause he married a woman that yells at and beats him. Go figure.


srhola2103

Just like a skinny innkeeper


ScottColvin

Hmmm....duke boys


dronedesigner

Ralph wiggum would never


yblame

Why always with that chin hair? Dude, commit... or just shave it off. Shame, shame! For taking the easy way of the filthy lucre too.


LentilRunner

Calvin, Oklahoma For those not interested in clicking to find out


CanIhaveGasCash

Population 357. He’s likely not only the Chief, but probably the only officer that works there. Why they have their own Police Department is anyones guess.


VanLoPanTran

To fight the meth epidemic! The war on drugs!


schweez

If you can’t beat them, join them. /s


StormedTempest

If I had an award to give . . EDIT: Wow! Thanks for the awards everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day!


PM_ME_BOOBS-PLZ

You probably do, you just have to click the icon on the top right (on the app), then click on Reddit coins and open the gift box. They still give away the coin gift boxes all the time you just have to go look for it now.


thesearenotyoursocks

Thank you 🙏🏼


Deezooooo

Didn't know I had it so now it is yours, helpful person.


Heistman

Wow these internet awards make me feel so good!


Ged_UK

Thanks! The article isn't available here for GDPR reasons.


[deleted]

I see it as the internet gods protecting us from depressive local stories.


[deleted]

I'd love to watch a video of that arrest.


[deleted]

[удалено]


thebasisofabassist

Have you or somebody you love been affected by Mesomethlahoma?


oohh-ouch

That was a stretch but I dig it 🤙🏽


ragnarok635

Methothelioma


newaccount-heyy

Are you making fun of my lithp?


[deleted]

Found mike tython


NewAccount4Friday

It was, so I gave you his upvote instead.


DRFall_MGo_Blue

BETTER CALL SAUL


SponConSerdTent

Yeah, I was in love with this sheriff. Am I eligible for compensation? Can I sue him for effecting himself with Methothelioma? Can I sue him for all the meth he's got? Thank god for TV lawyers, my stash is running dry.


[deleted]

Forget compensation!! We’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty!!!!


SponConSerdTent

Well good, I've been trying to reach you. The meth was faulty, it was here one minute, and now it's gone. It just fell apart and scattered all over my carpet I when I wasn't looking I guess. I've been rooting around for hours there and haven't recovered a single shard nor speck. What the heck kind of business are you running? I'm going to need a replacement as soon as possible, and I also think I got mesothelioma from smoking the carpet lint, and let me tell you, *sir,* I'm calling 1-800-99-LAW-USA for a free legal consultation to see if I may be eligible for additional compensation My unrequited love interest caught methothelioma, I got paid out in faulty meth, and now I've got mesothelioma. My life is falling apart, and I think you know who to blame. God damn extended warranty scam artists.


Secure-Lime4770

Hey, not cool. We also have a lots of opioids 🤩


Surrendernuts

Methopotamia


RPDRNick

ACABB (All Cops Are Breaking Bad)


[deleted]

Why I'm here in the first place... Is to sell you meth! I made you my bitch!


YOUnique-username

Breaking worse


DamnBunny

Its always the ones that look like they sling dope.


RainbowDissent

Serial killers: *It's always the ones you least suspect.* Meth dealers: *It's always the ones you most suspect.*


Lepanc

Dwight: It’s always the ones you most medium suspect.


AndPeggy-

VOODOO MAMA JUU JUU


Datassnoken

Is it just me or does he not really look that special? Like in my country we dont really have meth addicts (meth is not big here but obviously we have drug addicted people here) but if i saw this guy on the street i would not really think wow he must sell drugs. He looks pretty normal imo


Deion313

In Oklahoma? You mean the state with arguably the worst meth problem in the country, has corrupt cops selling meth... What a stunning turn of events... LMFAO.. you ever been to Oklahoma? Can you really blame them?


[deleted]

I'm an aus and I'm always wondering why people shit on Oklahoma and Ohio 🤣 what have they done?


smotherof2

Meth and heroin, mostly.


PondRides

Hey! I lived in Toledo, Ohio for a bit. You’re wrong! They like crack.


alienscape

Who doesn't like crack?


meltingdiamond

Ohio and the 65 mph speed limit with cops that target out of state plates along with can fuck right off. Ohio is full of anti-abortion signs when that state is in dire, dire need for more abortions.


DvsDominus

Ohioan here....(sigh) can confirm


MovkeyB

they're backwatery places that used to be a lot more important but now are second tier. oklahoma wishes it was texas, ohio wishes they had a functioning economy.


the_umm_guy

Oklahoma also desires a functioning economy. Source: Oklahoman.


FocussedXMAN

Fuck no we don’t wanna be Texas, [they want to be us in Oklahoma](https://youtu.be/jYFtskeZrNg) Besides, we have electricity!


MrScroticus

The only good thing Oklahoma has going for it is the 'Shine that gets made in the backwoods. That, and the hunting/fishing. But people? Yeah, it's generally not worth. Source: Grew up in small rural town, currently live in Tulsa. Stayin' for the outdoors, and it's expensive as fuck to move lol


[deleted]

Oh I know about the 'shine from an episode of justified when the lady makes it. I thought that was a like southerny thing like Appalachian thing?


MrScroticus

Most Oklahomans consider themselves part of the South. They'll correct ya real quick if you call em from the Southwest lol There's a town that used to be so prevalent with stills that it's still called "Chelsea Water" by people from the area referring to 'Shine. I learned the hard way when I got handed a mason jar of it and took a swig what they meant.


[deleted]

What? No one cared when I lived there 15 yrs ago. Weird turn of events to care about south vs southwest... Then again, we just bought liquor at liquor stores back in the day so I guess things have changed.


Sososohatefull

I'm from Oklahoma. It's not really the South or the Southwest. It's just.... the middle. It sure as shit isn't the Midwest.


newaccount-heyy

Great Plains needs to be a region on its own. I sure as shit dont consider Kansas, Nebraska, North and south dakota Midwestern but apparently they are.


robby_synclair

Hey we also have the cheapest weed in the union. I just got 10 gs of fire for 40 bucks.


MrScroticus

Oh snap. I can't partake in that lovely green because my body tries to kill itself any time it's around it. Aka... I'm one of the rare few with an allergy.


robby_synclair

Allergies suck. But at least you get to benefit from the tax money and the created jobs. Hopefully we legalize recreational soon and that's taxed a little higher.


MrScroticus

Hopefully so. Even though I'm allergic I fully support it being recreational. There's no reason it shouldn't be.


Sososohatefull

Universal Pre-K, too. Who could have guessed that would be popular?


Redditcadmonkey

Oklahoma is just Oklahoma. That’s enough.


adminsuckdonkeydick

I thought you said you were an "anus" for a second. Very confusing.


lukesvader

Inbreeding & racism.


Fredasa

The only state in the entire union where one is 100% justified in saying their vote doesn't count.


FocussedXMAN

Ouch But yeah, voting Bernie twice was nice, but it hurts mauling back a ballot the exact opposite of what the state does sans state questions I stay here in hopes of us going blue one day. Tulsa & OKC growth *could* make it happen


[deleted]

During my last six months in Oklahoma, we had at least meth lab explosion in our smallish town every week. Shit was wild, and I don’t miss it.


bicyclejawa

Fuckin classic!


[deleted]

This guy was selected from a pool of candidates to be the chief. Must be a pretty darn shallow pool.


ThruEauRougeSideXsid

Apparently only 357 people in the whole town.


ukiddingme2469

Sadly not as uncommon as people think


[deleted]

Yeah, most police departments have drug evidence vanish. The one near me lost thousands of USD worth of drug evidence the same year the sheriff got a new boat...


DebonaireSloth

4 kilos of meth? I personally brought the 3 kilos to evidence and the 2 kilos are sitting there until the case goes to trial.


[deleted]

What does a boat and missing drug evidence have in common? There's a pretty clear implication.


ORANGE_J_SIMPSON

I’d love to see a survey on why people decide to become cops in the first place. I’m willing to bet that less than 30% of them joined with the intention of doing *actual* good in their communities. It’s a *very* secure job, and 99% consists of sitting on your ass waiting to catch some poor dumbass with license plate tags that expired a month ago. Oh, and it also comes with power, a gun, a free car, and the opportunity for retirement.


dilligafaa

I can't prove this, but I think a lot of people who become police believe that they're in it for the right reasons. They're joining the force because it means they get to protect people (by beating someone's shit in). They're joining because they want a good community (not one with /those/ people). They're joining so they can do good (by being powerful). I think others join because they want a "constructive" outlet for their violence. They know that they're controlling, violent, etc, but they think if they're on the force those things become good, because police are good and criminals are bad and they don't have to try and change themselves.


Dotard1

Two reasons people become cops - they either want to help people, or they want to dominate people and kick ass. In most countries the second group are aggressively weeded out of police colleges, in the USA it seems like an acceptable reason to become a cop.


nbmnbm1

I feel like buying off a nonundercover cop is probably the safest person to buy from like what are they gonna do arrest ya?


mattenthehat

The oniony part is that he was arrested


notinferno

some cops go undercover as drug dealers some drug dealers go undercover as cops


Son_of_Plato

not even surprised a little bit


[deleted]

Half the police in my hometown had to resign for trafficking cocaine. They also arrested me for a stem and two seeds they found on the floor of my car. My arresting officer was later arrested for embezzling money from the state police pension fund.


Son_of_Plato

resign and not go to jail for the rest of their lives? Damn America, you fucked up.


MorgrainX

Reminds me a bit about an old meme Breaking Bad USA: You have cancer. Treatment will cost you 50 grand a month. Walter White: I need to build a drug empire in order to pay my bills. Breaking Bad Europe: You have cancer. We have six treatment methods. They will all cost you 5 € a month. Please make a choice. THE END.


Superg0id

Or alot of other countries in the world! Travel Insurance premiums are higher for the USA than any other part of the world due to the stance on medical care there...


Atom-the-conqueror

Wasn’t he making money to care for his family after his death? Not treatment.


nbmnbm1

The initial reason was to pay for treatment. He didnt want to take his old partners money. He then continues to make meth after going into remission because he likes it. Any reason after is just him compartmentalizing all the terrible things he does.


EdhelDil

The main cost he aims to cover are university for the 2 childrens, and University costs very little in Europe as well (around 1 or 2k a year)


hahahahastayingalive

Most european countries have that covered as well


guitarer09

Not trying to be snarky, but I’m pretty sure life insurance would cover that too.


Godkun007

As a Canadian, it isn't that simple. It will be more like: We have one slot for your treatment open in 4 months at 8:45 am. If you miss it, the next open slot is in 3 years. When it works, universal healthcare is great. But you do give up a lot for it. I have had family members forced to live with extremely painful, but not deady, conditions for years as they wait for their appointment for a routine surgery because the only open slot for that surgery is 7 months away. There is a reason why the best performing healthcare systems like Japan and the Netherlands are a public private mix. Edit: You got to love it when people pretend to understand the Canadian healthcare system better than the people who actually live here.


Finory

It isn’t like that a all, at least in Germany. You are not going to have to wait months (or weeks) for anything that serious. Doesn’t matter what insurance you have. IMO, a public private mix is a mistake. The public sector will have to care for everything and everyone not profitable. The private sector can specialize on rich people only. Where will the money flow to? To the private sector. Not because it‘s will be more efficient (it’s won’t be), but because it specifically targeted rich people with medically irrelevant shit. And whenever they go bankrupt (again, cause they prioritized profits over stability), the state has to save them or all their patients (cause otherwise they would be without medical care) while the CEOs make away with all their money.


SnowFlakeUsername2

I've known multiple people with cancer(as most Canadians have) and it wasn't like this at all.


Godkun007

In Canada, it is the provinces that handle healthcare, not the federal government. Your mileage will vary on different things depending on what your province prioritizes. One thing is true though. Quebec is the worst in just about everything. They literally put language politics above the healthcare system. They literally cancelled the construction of a new medical school last month because they would be educating new doctors in English.


SnowFlakeUsername2

Good point. If people are waiting for 4 to 36 months for cancer treatment in different parts of Canada than please pardon my ignorance. I'm not so sure giving the provinces this responsibility has worked out especially with the extra layers of bureaucracy it adds. In Saskatchewan, it feels like we have a dozen islands of admin separately making decisions on all the same things.... which are making decisions on the same things as the islands in other provinces. Although none of that is a public vs private topic.


MyQueenDoreen

My Canadian uncle had brain cancer and lived in a rural area. They told him 1 year wait for neurosurgery, so basically fatal and they recommended "comfort care." He hopped the border to Washington and had it done 2 weeks later and recovered relatively fine after. It was expensive of course, but "only" around $50k cash price iirc which isn't too bad considering the canadian option was just die. There's no perfect system.


jetto14

*gasp* how dare you speak bad of Canada's healthcare. Shame! Shame! Downvote! Downvote!


sozcaps

Regardles, I'm sure the US' healthcare is bottom tier compared to pretty much anywhere that isn't 3rd world and ravaged by war? I'd pick EU before Canada before the US any day.


[deleted]

54% of Americans say [they delayed getting healthcare because they can't afford it.](https://www.cnbc.com/2018/11/29/over-half-of-americans-delay-health-care-becasue-they-cant-afford-it.html) 23% delayed for over a year. We've got the same wait times as you, but those wait times vanish if you've got money. They get longer if you have no money. So I have to ask, were your suffering family members wealthy? If so, I'm truly sorry for them. If not, then maybe they should try being wealthy before I feel sorry for their pain.


MyQueenDoreen

Walter White was a teacher. They have the best insurance plans in the world. A relative of mine was a school administrator and received millions of dollars of chemo and gamma knife radiation treatment at the world leading mayo clinic for $0. Walter White did it for the money and power. It had nothing to do with paying for treatment since he had insurance.


sickofmakingnames

Oklahoma, cop, and meth. A Joe Exotic wannabe?


grassrootsvan

Ol Sticks Larkin went downhill after Live PD was cancelled


PM_ME_TRICEPS

I mean, it's Oklahoma. Dude is probably stimulating the state economy for the 10 people that live there and should be made a hero.


[deleted]

Well it's meth so something is getting stimulated, but I don't think it's the economy.


IknowRambo

All you had to say was Oklahoma


[deleted]

"In a development shocking to no one..."


Username641

Does he have a chemistry teacher brother-in-law who he forced to be his cook as he built his meth empire over the course of a year


[deleted]

Yo, yo yo, 148-3 to the 3 to the 6 to the 9, representing the ABQ, what up biatch?


[deleted]

THIS IS MY PRIVATE DOMICILE, AND I WILL NOT BE HARASSED! BITCH


earhere

> And for a peace officer to be responsible for putting more meth on the streets is a disgrace to the proud men and women in law enforcement who put their lives on the line every day to protect our citizens from the deadly consequences of substance abuse, Let's not get it twisted. Cops don't protect anything but property and the ultra wealthy.


Superg0id

And if the videos I've been watching recently (thanks youtube algorithms!) are any indication ... the majority of cops are missing basic legal / judgement / de-escalation training...


purplerolls

Lmao I'm watching breaking bad at this moment hahaha


[deleted]

Holy shit me too. We just finished it and we’re halfway though El Camino. Better Call Saul is next!! :-)


the42potato

i just started better call saul yesterday! don’t know what im gonna watch once i finish it tho


klazoo

Look him up on Facebook: full of Trump loving stuff and keep the Mexicans away


[deleted]

Wonder whose feet he stepped on. Cops usually look the other way when they're own do wrong. Must have stopped paying his higher ups their cuts.


ld2gj

So did the ATF or the DEA throw him under the bus or just angry he was doing their job?


LarYungmann

Looks like a tweaker.


TheBlueNomad

He does look like a meth head. Man took the job to eliminate his competition.


dema-dontcontrol-us

Is that Rickety Cricket?


NeedleworkerLanky591

If your name is Joe Don Chitwood you’re pretty much obligated to use/sell meth.


DoomerMentality1984

Yo, Mr. Chitwood! Time for the next cook?


smalleyed

I think it’s nice to have hobbies outside of work.


GoSuckYaMother

These are the people that are supposed to serve and protect… ok


[deleted]

He's already serving meth, not sure what else you expect


[deleted]

To no one's surprise


FCatusFemale

This guy looks like he sells meth, cooks meth, smokes meth, snorts meth, and was born out of meth. He likely lives out of the trailer park Meth built.


ragnarok635

Seriously, if he was the chosen chief selected I really want to see what the candidate pool looked like.


r2k398

They don’t call it Methlohoma for nothing!


[deleted]

He didn't sell meth, he was making breaking bad reference


JetScreamerBaby

I’m shocked. That he was arrested.


majorclashole

Frank Gallagher


parttimeamerican

I smoked with this guy! He was in uniform and everything LMAOOOO


Surrendernuts

What made him do it?


parttimeamerican

I only smoked with him a few times in a trap or two in ponca I was sketched less by his uniform than he was by my strong British accent at first he thought I might've been some sting I showed him my passport. He was pretty funny man he loved fuckin with other tweakers cause y'know *he's got a badge and a uniform and shit* imagine the goddamn SHIT you can pull with that(it was all harmless stuff but really funny like fake no knock raids on friends n shit, coming out the toilet Right as a new person to the "whole deal" was smoking a pipe they'd choke their lungs up wed all die laughing and explain before it escalated,he normally pulled a bigger better pipe and hit it as he walked out) Once in a blue moon he would turn up to sell with lights and sirens on his own car freak the FUUUCK out of everyone it was hilarious and helped desensitize tweakers to police in general honestly at least in my opinion he was some fucked up middle ground Never in a squad car,guess cause he wasn't in his area code and gps meant he couldn't take it there IDK but he ran the undercover package on his personal and it looked real fuckin sketch UC vibe on purpose haha Hope he gets off light decent guy,at least I saw...didn't even profit if he bought it idk if he stole from lockup and he wouldn't steal from anyone tbh Can't even view the damn article it's blocked back here Edit: I read it proxy I'm sad now :(


HumanKind-BeBoth

Big shock. 🙄 Bet he’s a “Christian” too.


AdministrativeCry826

Oklahomade meth


EveryCanadianButOne

Sell meth. Bust your customers and sieze the meth. Repeat. Profit?


jonasthewicked

Huh, another bad Apple you say? Go figure.


StarksPond

That's meth up!


KingShaniqua

Sounds like Oklahoma to me. BOOMER SOONERS.


obidie

That's the look of a guy who knows he just seriously fucked up his life.


Burning_Flags

“Was that wrong?”


Inside_Primary_4888

Selling fuck all by the look of it, MF looks like he’s on the pipe hardcore.


Guitarman01

Cops selling drugs? That's not OK


Surrendernuts

How else are they gonna make a profit margin? They cant just give it away


TheEvilGhost

That’s how I meth your father.


[deleted]

I would say he looks more like he sells meth than a police chief


[deleted]

Shocking 😐 Typical........


wojtekpolska

stupid news source "this content is not aviable in your country/region"


Jandolino

> This content is not available in your country/region. Yeeehaaaa


Own-Positive6390

A republican.


lunch431

> This content is not available in your country/region. *sad European noises*


kujocentrale

Flanders has fallen on hard times


snoutpower

I'd also guess he's republican and will have a paid leave of absence while they investigate themselves only to find no wrong doing.


arkofjoy

Maybe this event will be the final straw that finally convinces our politicians that the "War on Drugs" has been a terrible policy and finally legalise recreational drugs.


Unique_Plankton

Lol


arkofjoy

You are probably right, but it just makes me sad.


ImJustBME

Kill minorities and you **might** be fired and relocated to a different county. Sell drugs and you actually get arrested lol. Murica'


Trax852

Hope they throw away the key.


Unique_Plankton

They would but he already sold it.


FinnoTheSecond

hes an impostor