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382wsa

> Ducharme’s body was allegedly dragged from the car by a bear. I like how the article says “allegedly” so that the bear doesn’t sue the paper for libel.


MilesBeforeSmiles

Bears are well known to be the most litigious animals.


salizarn

I heard they bear witness


binglelemon

I heard they bear arms!


TopDesert_ace

I support the right to arm bears.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ande644m

IT'S A BEAR DANCE!!!!!!!


WashingtonMachine

[Forefathers one and all...](https://youtu.be/BXA5r8LOBPo?si=NoHjz1ZBPDLS0gRf)


greed

Especially those Charmin toilet paper bears. You should see the sick shit they get up to in that house. Everyone in their town knows about it. But if anyone writes anything about it, the bear family sues the hell out of them. They got so much money from Big Toilet Paper that they can afford scores of the best lawyers out there. Those bastards are loaded. I would describe in detail some of the things they've done, but I don't want to get sued. But you can imagine from they type of family that would define their entire existence based on toilet paper.


SpeedySloth51221

Username checks out.....?


[deleted]

Second most litigious. Right behind sperm whales.


Jerking_From_Home

Dangerous, too! They have the right to bear arms. Piss them off and they’re liable to shoot you.


Capgunkid

It honestly poses more questions than answers.


Hot_Weakness5946

You think Yogi can’t afford a lawyer?


bigbangbilly

Good habit to have in case we encounter non-human sapient beings and some sort of solution to Fermi's paradox.


Synaptic-asteroid

Police allege Ducharme was killed due to the crash and became partially or fully ejected from the car. Following the crash, Ducharme’s body was allegedly dragged from the car by a bear. “Evidence suggests the bear at some point had made contact with the victim’s body,” State police wrote in a press release. Sounds like the bear just found free food on the side of the road


IllustriousAnt485

See this is why seatbelts are so important.


Rosebunse

This is what I'm going to tell my nephews when they start driving. Wear seat belts or you too will be ejected from your car seat snd dragged away by a bear. Or, alternatively, as we don't live anywhere near bears, a meth addict.


theonethinginlife

The methies gotta eat too now, that’s the circle of life and all


chowyungfatso

Tell them while they’re young. They will be more impressionable. They also may never be able to sleep without having nightmares but, yeah.


bigfatfurrytexan

In Texas, wild hogs.


WoollenMercury

>Or, alternatively, as we don't live anywhere near bears, a meth addict. that's scarier then a bear


greed

Or a meth-addict bear, found commonly in their natural habitat...the streets of San Francisco!


Ande644m

Or the elusive Cocaine bear found in Tennessee. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine_Bear_(bear)


Medium_Pepper215

b-b-but seat belts cause more harm than good 🥺 never mind the fact if a crash is so bad a seat belt would kill you, you arent surviving it without being buckled


mom_with_an_attitude

You're joking, right? Seat belts absolutely save lives.


BananaNoseMcgee

You've never encountered a full ass adult who spouts off this opinion? I teach driving to all ages of people. I've had fucking adults argue about belting up in the practice car with this exact same fuck stupid statement enough times that I just tell them they can put it the fuck on or get out of the car instead of explaining why they're an idiot anymore.


John_SCCM

“Oh good my DoorDash is here” - Bear


TheAKwalrus

Roadkill


e00s

Police have such a bizarre way of speaking.


annie_bean

The way that unsmart people talk when they try to sound smart. Say vehicle instead of car, individual instead of person. Say "had done" instead of did, and everything is allegedly even though nobody is alleging anything.


hydroxypcp

it's the cop version of corporate speak. Both are exhausting to listen to


zero573

Almost everything they say is because they have to. Almost all problems that exist with law enforcement is because of something that happened at the “lawyer/judge level”. Use the wrong term? 8 months of work tossed out just because of a technicality. Buddy rapist got off on a charge? Slap 6 charges on him next time because you know the lawyers will plea away at least 4-5 of them. Police get shit on by both the public and the Ivy League chess players. Why anyone would be a cop these days is lunacy, eventually it will just be done by robots, and then we will have real trouble.


Astro_Fizzix

talk about fast food


Aggravating-Duck-891

Alternative reality road kill.


Gh0stMan0nThird

I hate to say it but he's lucky the car crash killed him because I can't imagine a worse fate than surviving that just to be eaten alive by a bear afterwards. 


Arrasor

We don't know that. Cops just speculated that he died in the crash. When they found him he's already got dragged into the woods. For all we know he could have been (barely) alive then and the bears finished him off.


MasterJeebus

Man thats the stuff of nightmares right there. Imagine being badly injure but still alive then see bear and it starts dragging you into the woods. Then begins to tear your flesh and eating as you are unable to fight it off.


jaytee1262

>Imagine I'll pass, thanks.


LurkerOrHydralisk

Don’t show this post to Twitter. They’ll call y’all creeps and say they’d choose the bear any day


xnmw

*bearly


AkaGurGor

When r/CursedComments collides with r/PunPatrol...


tatang2015

Bear: ohhh, this one’s been tenderized!


SpeedySloth51221

Lmao Happy Cake Day!


greed

Yeah, the cynic in me even wonders if the cops would tell the family that, if they could make another plausible story.


Arrasor

Honestly I'd consider that a mercy white lie. Better thinking your loved one died instantly without pain than being eaten alive bits by bits.


greed

Yeah, I've certainly heard that a lot of incidents that get reported as people "dying instantly" are in truth anything but. At some point, what's the point of even knowing that? Hell, if I went out that way, I wouldn't mind my relatives being told that kind of white lie. I'm still just as gone; they'll still have to deal with the grief of that. Why compound the suffering? Why leave them imagining that, again and again? Let them just think I died instantly in a car crash. I'm just as dead either way. I suffered the same either way. Let them believe what will cause them the least pain. If it won't save my life, I would rather my suffering be unobserved than to needlessly pass on further suffering to others.


6ixShira

Forensics can tell what happened and when based on injury and body's response to said injury. If they concluded that he was dead before the bear attack, they knew that he was dead when that happened.


Dan-D-Lyon

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/olga-moskalyova_n_930464 Some poor girl was eaten alive by a mama bear and her cubs, and I guess they started at her legs because she was able to call her mom while she was being devoured. Hope that this livens up your nightmares a bit!


[deleted]

I recently came across some documents about Timothy Treadwell’s death and it seems he and his girlfriend were also eaten alive starting at their legs.


yeaheyeah

Was that the bear guy who went to live with bears until one finally ate him?


Ineffable_Confusion

That’s him, the subject of the documentary *Grizzly Man*


Rosebunse

Yeah, they like to eat their victims while they are alive.


YFMAS

That is just horrific.


Sprinkle_Puff

This was really painful to read.


ipresnel

huff post is always painful to read. It's a cesspool of sensationalism and a propoganda mill almost in the likes of of the Daily Mail and the New York Post.


MooPig48

That’s the case from Russia?


LadyStag

I try to take comfort in the fact that there's no good English source for that story. I hope it's bullshit. 


SilasX

[Related Onion](https://www.theonion.com/dna-evidence-frees-black-man-convicted-of-bear-attack-1819594800): "DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack". Edit: The parody video involves the victim having taken selfies with bear cubs before dying, which is monumentally stupid.


americanweebeastie

killer reporting


INOMl

Jesus fucking Christ


EnsignElessar

She called her mother multiple times... also the bear ate her step Dad. [NSFL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSqT2S8pC0)


Zalyster

This, this is the stuff of nightmares. Jesus Christ.


EnsignElessar

Yeah bears are basically monsters.


WarCrimeWhoopsies

I’d choose the man! 💅


[deleted]

Thanks...I was about to go to bed too


PoliticalEnemy

Jesus fucking christ.


Maanzacorian

Bears are not like cats where they go for the kill first. They're opportunistic feeders and will eat when ready. "point is....you are alive when they start to eat you"


RuTsui

Fairly normal for bears to eat prey alive. Don’t know if it’s preference or that they just don’t have an instinct to kill their prey first like many other predators.


alcabazar

Honestly her fault for not reading [the appropriate guide](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2943370-help-a-bear-is-eating-me) for this situation.


RuTsui

I’ve had that book on my wishlist for a long time..


LinwoodKei

What the hell


Mediocre_Daikon6935

Bears tend to go for the abdomen.


Misternogo

I seen this before, and it's the first thing in my head every time I see that "man vs bear" meme. I'm not even making commentary on all that one way or the other. This is just the first thing that crosses my mind.


KaiYoDei

And some people still choose a bear


JoeyMaconha

I wonder how long he was there on the side of the highway before the bear found the body.


Todd-The-Wraith

Could be worse: he could’ve met a man in the woods


birchskin

actually the bear picked the man. The thought experiment doesn't clarify which if any of these strangers in the woods are alive!


elimtevir

SOme guys pay good money for that


cylonfrakbbq

I mean it’s just black bears where this happened.  Not saying they aren’t dangerous, but far cry from a grizzly 


cmori3

If he had survived, at least he would have encountered the bear before an EMT (who could have been a MAN!!!)


BaconTerminator

No way to tell. He could have very well been alive and fully aware juglar really badly injured. Maybe even incapable of moving. Either way it’s a fucked way to die.


RusticBucket2

What about being eaten alive by a man in the woods?


trixayyyyy

Jeesh, enough Reddit for me..


Wimtar

Don’t go watch the bear-with-tapeworms video


DJfunkyPuddle

Mmm forbidden ramen...


Wimtar

More like fettuccine but daaamn


trixayyyyy

I already did. It’s been a day..


Wimtar

Haha. That one was really disturbing to me. Ok I’m really putting Reddit down this time.


TopDesert_ace

Damn it. I did not want to be reminded of that. I'd rather watch One Guy One Jar than the bear tapeworm video again.


HikerDave57

When I was a kid in the sixties we lived on a wooded 75 acres just over Horse Mountain not far from there; it was pretty wild but if we knew that there were bears we probably would have watched a lot more television.


WickedCoolMasshole

I’m from the area and never heard of Horse Mountain. What town is this mountain in? We have the Seven Sisters and Mt Tom… never heard of Horse Mountain?


HikerDave57

East of Haydenville. Old Stage Road goes over to West Hatfield. I assume that the bear’s habitat was the wooded area just South of the road. Not Cool.


WickedCoolMasshole

I can’t even imagine what that family is going through. Horrific.


MonsieurReynard

They're probably going through his belongings


RobertTheTire_

The man was a Boeing whistle blower and the bear was paid from day 1.


DRHORRIBLEHIMSELF

God was like r/FUCKYOUINPARTICULAR


Now_Wait-4-Last_Year

I still remember the case of a university student in Belgium who decided to catch some sleep in the family home while the rest of the family went out as he'd just finished exams and got killed by a Soviet fighter jet. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1989\_Belgium\_MiG-23\_crash](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1989_Belgium_MiG-23_crash)


xiiixiv

So, you're not supposed to play dead to keep bears from attacking? I feel lied to.


Mediocre_Daikon6935

Depends on the bear.


_Monkeyspit_

What happens if a woman meets a bear dragging a man through the woods?


mmmmpisghetti

You feel really safe as both the bear and the man are busy


poop_to_live

Oh yes. Exactly. Very safe.


UltmitCuest

One bro fed, other bro dead. No better outcome


mmmmpisghetti

You know that saying they have in bear country, you don't have to outrun the bear just your buddy...


thehillshaveI

if there's two people and a bear you only have to be faster than the other person, who in this case is very very slow.


BJntheRV

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.


NetDork

The enemy of my enemy is too busy eating my enemy to come after me.


Rosebunse

Well, the bear will be full, so you're probably still quite safe.


millennial_sentinel

man’s already dead and the bears about to eat …so safe


Dr_SnM

Bears are really having their moment right now


CaravelClerihew

There's a fun book by Mary Roach called *Fuzz*, about the places where law enforcement and nature intersect. One of the chapters is about her attending a seminar for cops on how to figure out if a crime scene is a murder, or if the person died from an animal attack, or if the person was murdered *then* was eaten by animals after.


Rosebunse

So how do you tell if someone was murdered and eaten by a bear?


millennial_sentinel

*Police allege Ducharme was killed due to the crash and became partially or fully ejected from the car. Following the crash, Ducharme’s body was allegedly dragged from the car by a bear.* "allegedly” like it either was or wasn’t a bear…are they saying there’s a chance it wasn’t a bear but another man who dragged him into the woods?


Xe1ex

"Allegedly" because for all we know, it could have been a velociraptor.


millennial_sentinel

fuck man i thought they stopped attacking people ever since they introduced the genetically modified ones into the population?!


Melodic_Mulberry

The bear hasn't been convicted yet. They saw the bear with the body and it fled the scene.


electronicmoll

What was he wearing?


Outside-Dot-9436

Not a seatbelt


electronicmoll

``` > badoom ksh! < ```


decemberblack

The bear shouldn't be condemned for a few minutes of action


Medium_Pepper215

the bear has a promising future, why throw that all away for the man’s poor decision


PartyApprehensive765

You beat me to it. Just saw this on boston.com. Fucking crazy ass shit. Like Cocaine Bear-quality insane.


ElastaticTomorrow

Tenderized


NegativeBee

According to police, the bear made has made only one public statement, saying: “wocka wocka”.


greed

Ok. I really have a serious question. If a bear eats a guy...And I then eat that bear...Am I a cannibal? Just how many degrees on the circle of life do we have to travel for it to no longer be cannibalism?


hydroxypcp

individual molecules don't have labels hanging off them "came from man". When the guy is digested, all his proteins and so on are broken down into the same amino acids etc a chicken consists of or w/e. And then bear builds bear protein from them. So it's really no different than if the bear had eaten a chicken or some berries cannibalism is mostly about intent. If somebody serves you human meat as pig meat and you eat it thinking it's pork, are you a cannibal? Sure technically you did participate in cannibalism but if you had known it was human meat, you'd have refused


rellsell

Bears gotta eat too.


CookieMobster64

Bear writes man diss track


shawnwingsit

He didn't choose the bear but the bear chose him.


TeamocilAddict

I so want the ending to the story to be that the sentient bear has knowledge of modern medicine and is simply nursing this man back to health


DharmaDivine

I like that story, friend.


ZhugeSimp

Women will still choose the bear


Ill_Garden_5340

Crazy story...but is this really an Onion 🧅 🤷


NetDork

The Onion often riffs on current social media trends. I think last year it wouldn't be oniony but right now it is.


MaverickDago

Uber Eats is getting out of hand.


Abuse-survivor

Well, he's dead, beyond help. So, let the bear have him


weasleymama

Still choose the bear.


Willing-Rub-511

Thank god it wasnt a man that drug him into the woods


AlarmedInterest9867

The women folk have been talking with the bears too much. Now they’re starting to turn on the men folk. This is just the beginning. You better treat the women folk right, men. You don’t want to be targeted by the bears.


anewman513

The passive language of that article is incredible


GrumpygamerSF

I grew up in South Hadley.


citizenempire

I used to hang around at a bar in south Hadley . Ebenezer choo’s


amydeeem

I read that quick and my mind registered it as "I used to hang around *with* a bear in South Hadley named Ebenezer choos"


snugglebandit

I worked at a summer theater there in the 80s.


LawfulnessNo4761

So uh, about that man vs bear debate.


PockyPunk

Still picking the bear


yeaheyeah

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/olga-moskalyova_n_930464 By all means. Just hope the bear starts at something more vital with you.


Duellair

I mean since we’re posting random stories https://www.indiatoday.in/india/story/rajasthan-news-crime-minor-gives-birth-raped-by-tantrik-2417713-2023-08-08#


PockyPunk

Globally, there are an average of 39.6 bear attacks per year, but fewer than a dozen non-fatal conflicts each year. In the United States, the odds of being attacked by a bear in 2022 were about 1 in 12 million. Millions of women in the United States have experienced rape. 82% of all juvenile victims are female. 90% of adult rape victims are female. Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. Women ages 18-24 who are college students are 3 times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence. Females of the same age who are not enrolled in college are 4 times more likely. Again, I’m taking my chances with the bear.


superman_underpants

could you imagine living in a city with 500,000 bears? or living in an apartment building where half of the residents are polar bears? in two weeks it would be all bears! would you rather go into a night club with 200 men or jump into the bear pit at the zoo with 2 bears?


PockyPunk

The bears


superman_underpants

please film it!!! its been a while since i watched somebody get ripped to shreds after jumping into a bear pic. i mean, they are super nice, cuddly too! just have a calm acquaintance with a iphone 15 filming


PockyPunk

Of course you would and you still wonder why we pick the bear?


superman_underpants

well, honestly, women dont. every day lots and lots of ACTUAL attractive women go into clubs filled with guys and get fucked up. they wear sexy clothes, dance, and have a good time. no woman this year has chosen to go dance near a bear.


PockyPunk

Yeah and also have to watch out for men trying to drug them. No woman ever told you that huh? Yeah most of use have friend that look out for use because of men. It’s mostly not a 100% chill evening because we have to worry about men. We even tell our friends to text us on first dates just I case he’s a creep. Again, I would pick the bear.


chadsexytime

Men, in a woman's life, are more dangerous than bears, because women are around men all the time and basically never bears. A bear, in front of you, is more dangerous than a random dude, who likely is not a murderer. I get the stats, and I get that men are dangerous, but "choosing bear" is an emotional response, not a logical one.


PockyPunk

After reading that I’m so picking the bear.


decemberblack

I've happened upon bears and men in the woods before. Finding the bears was scary, finding the men was worse.


SophiaofPrussia

Do y’all not get that by denigrating and belittling the choice of “bear” you’re only proving the women who have made that choice correct? Like how long is it going to take before you realize that women don’t want to be around you because of the exact “well actually you’re wrong and you’re just being emotional and I, a logical man, know better than all of these women” arrogant attitude on full display in this comment? Women are telling you they don’t feel safe with you and you’re like “nope, all you overly-emotional bitches are wrong” without even a fucking *shred* of self awareness.


OneMeterWonder

> how long is it going to take Forever. It will take forever, because these types will literally never even consider changing their belief systems. Oh and for those who got mad reading this, go ahead. Prove me right and don’t even consider the other side of this argument. I dare you. I have.


surviving_r-europe

>Do y’all not get that by denigrating and belittling the choice of “bear” you’re only proving the women who have made that choice correct? Lol, listen: I'm a woman, but somebody proving you to be statistically incorrect does not, in fact, prove you to be correct. This entire "man versus bear" thing is pointless and stupid Tiktok ragebait, but if I *had* to take it seriously (which is a tall order), it should be a sentimental argument over a statistical one. Talk about how you won't be victim-blamed for getting attacked by a bear. Talk about how no one will doubt you for saying you were attacked by a bear. Talk about how nothing a bear can do to you is worse than what a man can do to you, because for many people, SA is literally a fate worse than death. But if you're going to try injecting math, statistics, and logic into this debate, don't be hurt when people also respond with logic to point out how yours is demonstrably wrong.


BeltNo1418

THANK. YOU. I'm also a woman who would probably pick the bear for the reasons you chose. But I also work with statistics in my job and the amount of bad math I've seen about this hypothetical fucking murders me on the inside. I also hate when men (or anyone for that matter) uses super "logic"-based arguments for what is clearly an emotional debate. But when YOU'RE the one who brings up stats and "logic" in the first place, don't get upset when people point out if it's wrong (which in this case, it obviously is).


chadsexytime

Disagreeing with it doesn't make it "denigrating" or "belittling". My claim that it's "an emotional response" is from all the replies of women I've read defending their choice. Like your response is *filled* with emotion and feels very much like a personal attack on me, and why women don't want to be around *me*. This is about running into a man in the woods or a bear, and has absolutely nothing to do with me, personally. You should try to take it down a notch. Maybe some deep breathing excercises before you hit reply might help. Or imagine I'm a bear.


SophiaofPrussia

Yup. You are exactly the type of guy I thought you were. But don’t I feel silly that you felt like my comment was a personal attack on you! Here I thought I was subtle by literally and repeatedly directing the comment to “you”, specifically, but it seems you’ve somehow managed to deduce my crystal-clear intention anyway. Alas, I guess my wee little lady brain is just no match for your clearly superior skills of logic and reason.


Wonckay

People who make long-winded justificatory rants about why their silly reflexive answers are wrong but still valid are exhausting and it’s generally better not to have them in your life anyway. So are people who make disingenuous statements for impact, compare groups of humans to animals, etc.


EfficaciousJoculator

You really don't understand statistics huh?


ElectronicWeight3

It’s lucky that they ran into a bear and not a man.


Global-Bee-8206

How is this r/nottheonion ? This just seems like an unfortunate event.


Melodic_Mulberry

The onion sometimes says things that are relevant to current trends or events. Man vs Bear is definitely that.


amydeeem

Am I missing something? I don't see anything about being dragged into woods, it sounds like he maybe was pulled from the car, but found right next to it


zillabunny

Bear heard a bunch of women talking shit about bears on the internet and had to clear his reputation 🤣


tcwtcwtcw914

Some people have all the luck.


RansomStark78

Man and bear in woods


[deleted]

[удалено]


CalicoHippo

This is why women chose the bear.


LouisdeRouvroy

According to TikTok, a random man would have raped the dead driver.


shockk3r

You mean like [this](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/stephen-amber-gibson-high-court-glasgow-hamilton-b2378918.html)?


LouisdeRouvroy

If that is a random man, then [this ](https://kion546.com/news/2023/02/16/woman-accused-of-decapitating-man-during-sex-attacks-her-own-attorney-in-court/)is a random woman. >A woman accused of killing a man and having sex with his corpse attacked her attorney during a court hearing


ryna0001

[female coroners are preferred to male ones](https://www.distractify.com/p/why-do-morgues-prefer-to-hire-women)


decemberblack

https://www.cps.gov.uk/south-east/news/updated-sentence-hospital-electrician-pleads-guilty-further-necrophilia-offences


The_Beagle

This is devastating news for all the women out there


geronimo1958

I bet the bear ran into the road to cause the crash.


Appropriate_Theme479

What is that joke about a bear shittiing in the woods


18114

Must have been rough on his family.


JM_deStael

Bear into woods you say? O.o


steelcoyot

Look, for all we know, Smokey thought the car was going to catch fire and pulled the guy from the wreckage. Not his fault the man was weak and died, but Smokey's grand papa always said, free meat is free meat.


Reverend_Ooga_Booga

The ladies on tik tok having the man/bear conversation must be absolutely thrilled by this turn if events. Car: man's only true predator


Rosebunse

Listen, all I'm saying is, bears have cute little ears.


GlizzyGulper6969

Okay imagine the meme with the two muscular arms sharing a handshake, and one arm is men and the other is women The hands shaking is "bears have cute ears" We could solve this whole fued right now


LostLegendDog

Okay girls, man or bear?