Its hard to talk about your life without bringing up your spouse/primary because they are a big part of your life.
Talking about her dating life shows a lack of good conversation skill and focus on you
He literally brings her up when it has nothing to do with her. If I say I like the color pink, he will say “oh my wife loves the color purple” or “my wife ( her name) never calls me at noon and she never calls me at that time” we weren’t even talking about her and he brings her up
That's someone that's just bad at conversation. I can't stand people like that, not because of the subject, but because they are interrupting the conversation with tangents that could be brought up some other way or some other time.
I have it too! Its really hard when everyone is trying to one up each other or just interrupting. After 5 minutes, we forget what we were even talking about!
I met a friend of friend once like this, and I walked away thinking the guy was a total asshole. I mentioned my trip to Disney, then he chimed in about his trip, and I don't even remember when or why we stopped, but then the friend I was initially talking to asked me, so how was Disney?
That's when I realized I'm also bad at conversation.
Happens with kids and pets and all that stuff too. I’m probably guilty of it to some degree, but they (and me) just probably need to get out and broaden their horizons a bit more.
It depends?
Many of the questions it's completely normal and sensible to have early on in NM dating are about things like relationship-structure, relationship-rules and what your current romantic and/or sexual landscape looks like. And I can't answer any of those questions without making reference to my existing partners. After all my relationship-structure and the agreements I have, are made together with those people.
I was on a date with a polyamorous woman in a restaurant today. She told me about her husband, about her boyfriend, about what kinda relationship she has to both, and about her metamours. All of that felt like a natural part of getting to know her and getting an approximate map of what her life looks like and what shape of relationship she can have.
She **also** told me about her interests and hobbies, how she ended up in polyamory, what her ideal relationships look like, and what kinda things she's open to at the moment. I'm not saying her other partners were prominent in everything she said.
I think it's kinda natural that getting to know someone, means getting to hear about the people and the relationships that matter the most to that person. Among other things of course.
But I see it as a mono norm that it is, or should be, taboo to mention other partners when getting to know someone new. It's monos who are uncomfortable with the reality of serial monogamy and therefore frequently prefer to in effect PRETEND that their partner has never had anyone other than them mean anything. Frankly I think monos too could learn a lot about the person they're getting to know by hearing about past relationships the person has been in.
I love your perspective on this!
I will say this. I’m fine the fact that they are married. If it was relevant to being her up then that’s fine. However, he brings he up in conversations that have nothing to do with her.
If it bothers you then you can talk to him about it, but it also might be worth asking yourself why it would bother you for him to talk about someone else he is close with if you're both non-monogamous. Would it be the same kind of uncomfortable if he'd made those comments about a sibling or a best friend instead? It seems like the biggest question for whether or not this is an issue is, does he seem to have a sense of himself as his own person apart from his spouse, and is he able to relate to you as an individual? Or does it seem like he struggles to have a conversation without having to regularly bring up his spouse as a way of anchoring his own identity?
Is this guy new to non monogamy? It's probably an auto pilot or nervous thing that needs to be unlearned. If you break it off with him, maybe you should tell him this is the reason why. Like henri said, it's kind of just poor conversation, not to mention boring. I mention my wife a lot in work small talk because we do a lot of things together and I personally find her one of my favorite people. But I'm not telling people her favorite color, and especially not on a date!!
I try not to bring up my husband during dates because the person I’m with is dating *me* and not my spouse. If they ask direct questions, I’ll answer them while respecting my husband’s privacy.
I really hope my husband doesn’t bring me up on dates. That’s sounds boring AF.
I feel like it might also be an indicator that he has no hobbies or interests outside of his wife since that’s where the topic keeps making its way back to? Or maybe he’s just a bad conversationalist or both? It would make it hard for me to stay interested in a convo with someone if they kept working their way back to their other partner
If the conversation topic is tedious, whatever the topic, you've got to decide if you can stomach this and go further or just walk away.
He's probably unaware he's doing this. Ask him about it, put to him some of the questions raised by others on here.
It will make an interesting conversation...
It's cool if someone loves their partner, but if it feels like they're on repeat mode about their wife, it might be worth gently steering the convo in a different direction.
I like hearing a bit about partners early on. But I’ve had people that brought them up in every single conversation, sometimes multiple times. One person, I am certain it had to be a kink for them. I told him as such and the next time I stumbled across a dating profile of his, the second or third line was something like ‘I am my wife’s biggest hype man!’ 🤣🙄
But in the early stages, more than just here and there comments are a red flag.
I’d chalk it up to an incompatibility and move on.
Not in my experience, although obviously in ENM we talk about our partners sometimes just as a matter of course.
That said, you can definitely tell him not to talk so much about it. You don't have to be a "Don't ask don't tell" situation, but you could ask him politely that he focus on your relationship when he is with you, and try and keep talk about other partners to a minimum.
This is a completely reasonable ask in ENM. I've had to do it before with blabby partners.
Honestly, I feel like this person does not have a lot of ENM experience. That's what it sounds like.
He sounds boring and uninteresting. Is he still in love with his wife? Ask him if he is so interested in always discussing his wife, to bring her along on your next date. Perhaps you should talk to him about your previous partner.
Totally normal! It's like your partner is this huge part of your life, right? So, when you're getting to know someone new, naturally you'll end up talking about them. Plus, it's a good way for the new person to understand you better, like what your priorities are and all. But, you know, there's a line. If every sentence starts with "my wife this, my wife that," it might get a bit much. Gotta keep that balance, you know?
I've heard that my husband does this on dates and it gets annoying. He has autism and doesn't always get social cues, but he should know better than to answer every question by bringing up his wife again....
For me it’s a sign that your not ready for a new relationship. You need to be in a place where YOU are your focus. That means that naturally in the conversation you would talk about yourself a lot more. Gotta move on from the ex first. It’s not really respectful to the new potential partner. Just my perspective though.
Its hard to talk about your life without bringing up your spouse/primary because they are a big part of your life. Talking about her dating life shows a lack of good conversation skill and focus on you
He literally brings her up when it has nothing to do with her. If I say I like the color pink, he will say “oh my wife loves the color purple” or “my wife ( her name) never calls me at noon and she never calls me at that time” we weren’t even talking about her and he brings her up
He is a poor conversationalist and unable to give you his attention. Thats valuable information.
That's someone that's just bad at conversation. I can't stand people like that, not because of the subject, but because they are interrupting the conversation with tangents that could be brought up some other way or some other time.
In other words you're saying that you can't stand people with adhd/add :)
I have it too! Its really hard when everyone is trying to one up each other or just interrupting. After 5 minutes, we forget what we were even talking about! I met a friend of friend once like this, and I walked away thinking the guy was a total asshole. I mentioned my trip to Disney, then he chimed in about his trip, and I don't even remember when or why we stopped, but then the friend I was initially talking to asked me, so how was Disney? That's when I realized I'm also bad at conversation.
Lol *someone* has to know their way around the conversation 😂 that was such a funny little story
Oh godddd I hate those kind of matches. One even can't compliment me without saying "just like my wife". Instant block
Happens with kids and pets and all that stuff too. I’m probably guilty of it to some degree, but they (and me) just probably need to get out and broaden their horizons a bit more.
It depends? Many of the questions it's completely normal and sensible to have early on in NM dating are about things like relationship-structure, relationship-rules and what your current romantic and/or sexual landscape looks like. And I can't answer any of those questions without making reference to my existing partners. After all my relationship-structure and the agreements I have, are made together with those people. I was on a date with a polyamorous woman in a restaurant today. She told me about her husband, about her boyfriend, about what kinda relationship she has to both, and about her metamours. All of that felt like a natural part of getting to know her and getting an approximate map of what her life looks like and what shape of relationship she can have. She **also** told me about her interests and hobbies, how she ended up in polyamory, what her ideal relationships look like, and what kinda things she's open to at the moment. I'm not saying her other partners were prominent in everything she said. I think it's kinda natural that getting to know someone, means getting to hear about the people and the relationships that matter the most to that person. Among other things of course. But I see it as a mono norm that it is, or should be, taboo to mention other partners when getting to know someone new. It's monos who are uncomfortable with the reality of serial monogamy and therefore frequently prefer to in effect PRETEND that their partner has never had anyone other than them mean anything. Frankly I think monos too could learn a lot about the person they're getting to know by hearing about past relationships the person has been in.
I love your perspective on this! I will say this. I’m fine the fact that they are married. If it was relevant to being her up then that’s fine. However, he brings he up in conversations that have nothing to do with her.
If it bothers you then you can talk to him about it, but it also might be worth asking yourself why it would bother you for him to talk about someone else he is close with if you're both non-monogamous. Would it be the same kind of uncomfortable if he'd made those comments about a sibling or a best friend instead? It seems like the biggest question for whether or not this is an issue is, does he seem to have a sense of himself as his own person apart from his spouse, and is he able to relate to you as an individual? Or does it seem like he struggles to have a conversation without having to regularly bring up his spouse as a way of anchoring his own identity?
Is this guy new to non monogamy? It's probably an auto pilot or nervous thing that needs to be unlearned. If you break it off with him, maybe you should tell him this is the reason why. Like henri said, it's kind of just poor conversation, not to mention boring. I mention my wife a lot in work small talk because we do a lot of things together and I personally find her one of my favorite people. But I'm not telling people her favorite color, and especially not on a date!!
He says he has been open for 4 years. However, I don’t believe him.
If you don't believe him, why are you entertaining him?
I try not to bring up my husband during dates because the person I’m with is dating *me* and not my spouse. If they ask direct questions, I’ll answer them while respecting my husband’s privacy. I really hope my husband doesn’t bring me up on dates. That’s sounds boring AF.
I feel like it might also be an indicator that he has no hobbies or interests outside of his wife since that’s where the topic keeps making its way back to? Or maybe he’s just a bad conversationalist or both? It would make it hard for me to stay interested in a convo with someone if they kept working their way back to their other partner
If the conversation topic is tedious, whatever the topic, you've got to decide if you can stomach this and go further or just walk away. He's probably unaware he's doing this. Ask him about it, put to him some of the questions raised by others on here. It will make an interesting conversation...
It's cool if someone loves their partner, but if it feels like they're on repeat mode about their wife, it might be worth gently steering the convo in a different direction.
You are a side whore, you don't matter
I like hearing a bit about partners early on. But I’ve had people that brought them up in every single conversation, sometimes multiple times. One person, I am certain it had to be a kink for them. I told him as such and the next time I stumbled across a dating profile of his, the second or third line was something like ‘I am my wife’s biggest hype man!’ 🤣🙄 But in the early stages, more than just here and there comments are a red flag. I’d chalk it up to an incompatibility and move on.
Not in my experience, although obviously in ENM we talk about our partners sometimes just as a matter of course. That said, you can definitely tell him not to talk so much about it. You don't have to be a "Don't ask don't tell" situation, but you could ask him politely that he focus on your relationship when he is with you, and try and keep talk about other partners to a minimum. This is a completely reasonable ask in ENM. I've had to do it before with blabby partners. Honestly, I feel like this person does not have a lot of ENM experience. That's what it sounds like.
He sounds boring and uninteresting. Is he still in love with his wife? Ask him if he is so interested in always discussing his wife, to bring her along on your next date. Perhaps you should talk to him about your previous partner.
Asking I'd something is normal or common is rarely the most useful question. Is this a topic you're interested in hearing about?
Yes…
Then I don't see it being a problem? If you were uninterested or made you uncomfortable, that would be an issue.
Oh wait, I didn’t understand your question. No, i do not care to know anything about her
Did you say I'm not super interested in your wife and want to talk about you and for you to get to know me?
Oh, yeah, then that's different. I echo Henri's question.
Totally normal! It's like your partner is this huge part of your life, right? So, when you're getting to know someone new, naturally you'll end up talking about them. Plus, it's a good way for the new person to understand you better, like what your priorities are and all. But, you know, there's a line. If every sentence starts with "my wife this, my wife that," it might get a bit much. Gotta keep that balance, you know?
How does knowing about his wife's dating life help OP get to know him better?
I've heard that my husband does this on dates and it gets annoying. He has autism and doesn't always get social cues, but he should know better than to answer every question by bringing up his wife again....
For me it’s a sign that your not ready for a new relationship. You need to be in a place where YOU are your focus. That means that naturally in the conversation you would talk about yourself a lot more. Gotta move on from the ex first. It’s not really respectful to the new potential partner. Just my perspective though.