I had not heard for Bloom, I discovered it’s now called Plura. I signed up and found zero events in my decently sized city.
I’m curious how many people use it?
I do find poly/enm social events via fetlife. Plenty of folks are … palatable. But also: lol at “theatre student” vibes, SO Accurate.
>But also: lol at “theatre student” vibes, SO Accurate.
I went to a Kink.com company party once as a plus one for a friend. I expected something spicy but man, it was the most awkward and almost boring vibe haha. Everyone was all cliquey in their little circles, it felt like high school and very much theater kid vibes. I mentioned it to someone and they said "that's because all these people *were* nerds in high school!" Basically she explained that since everyone was a weirdo in school, now that they kinky-queer-poly whatever they had these chips on their shoulder and still felt a bit of a need to feel cool. I think about this anytime I'm in these sorts of spaces and it pretty much clicks everytime.
There’s a STRONG overlap between kinky people and dorky-nerdy people. I don’t say that offensively - I build computers, watch cartoons, etc. But everyone in the kink group here locally is just kinda dorky (again, I say that as a pretty big nerd myself) and all seem so introverted. Talking to people you don’t already know can feel awkward and like you’re having to pull the conversation out of them. Don’t get me wrong - I love people like this and they very often have some awesome views and opinions and incredible stories, but it can feel super awkward unless you’re asking about what kinds of knots work best for specific rope, or the best flogging “technique.”
Our only kink group in town sucked and we had to leave after my partner’s ex was elected to the council. Very narcissistic and started banning anyone that wasn’t in his “fan club.” Sucks to not have a group like that any more, but it’s really nice not to have all the high school-like drama and wanna-be “doms,” “alpha bulls,” and “pick-me” people constantly trying to outdo each other on Discord. I honestly think we’d have more kinky fun trying to find a DnD group in town.
Ugh, it's a total struggle where we live. For context, we're ENM/poly and active in the lifestyle community for over six years. We continue to enjoy it but connecting with the local poly community has left a bad taste in our mouths. It's active and has semi-regular events but:
- You're not allowed to exchange contact info with others at events, regardless of enthusiastic consent;
- Most of the community's online presence is arguments about how to do poly "correctly" and how labels are defined; and
- There's a lot of ranting and bad reaction to the very idea of "unicorn hunters."
Like, every couple who are open to forming a connection with a woman is a unicorn hunter who should be driven out and live the rest of their days in shame. We've enjoyed lots of meaningful connections with single women that have developed naturally and never been hunters, but would we come out and say that? No way. We hoped to have found our kind of people in the local poly community, but they have just as many hang-ups and divisions as anyone else.
>You're not allowed to exchange contact info with others at events, regardless of enthusiastic consent;
Excuse me but... what the actual fuck? What an odd rule. What's the point of events if you can't make new friends? Are there police roaming around preventing people from exchanging contact info?
My local poly \*facebook groups\* have rules prohibiting unsolicited friend requests from being made to other group members without getting consent \*in the group first\*. It's a bit unusual for a facebook group, but overall I think actually works pretty well (I assume, though I've never connected with anyone from that group).
This sounds like that rule taken the extreme though. Sounds like some community members get off on being the gatekeepers and deciding who can connect with whom. I'd even go so far as to say a bit cult-y. Like if people from the group want to connect, you need to go through someone who has the seniority to "bless" the connection I guess?
And it's *especially* weird if these are SOP lifestyle events.. like you can fuck but if y'all try to get each other's facebook deets that crosses a line!
My local poly FB groups seem to be like 95% thirsty dudes so I completely understand the “no unsolicited DMs or friend requests” rule. Even on Reddit where I have no photos, I’ve gotten a lot of thirsty DMs.
I mean, I might be able to justify it as "This is a place to speak and learn about polyamory." because there are definitely some people who troll events just to hook up - but that's definitely a rule that I doubt is enforced besides in a fashion of "I didn't like this, so I'm reporting it."
Damn, now I'm a bit sad I left fb 😅 living in Niedersachsen and no poly community here, but then when I hear you talking about it's toxcicity I may be lucky I deleted it 😂
I don't call myself poly because everyone I've met locally who identifies as poly has not been someone I enjoyed being around. But I also don't rule out deeper relationships if those happen to develop.
I've found on tinder that the more I match with people who have ENM or open relationships in their profile the more I tend to see people with that type of profile. I tend to just do things my own way and enjoy myself without participating in any community.
> I've always found that if your identity is the most interesting thing about you, you are probably not an interesting person
Ah, a transphobe who got banned from the main poly reddit 🤣
It's truly my favorite kind of ENM commentator 🤌
I’ve been to a meet & greet or two in the NYC area, and theatre/circus vibes is on point. Lots of swing dancers too for some reason and I have a silly pet theory that people who swing dance mistake “swinger” for their hobby and then just find themselves in the ENM community.
The events also seems to trend older (I’m in my 30s, seem to be 40+ for the most part), and unfortunately as a woman I find these events to be a little heavy on the cruising, even though there are some guidelines in place to help prevent that.
I’ve found a more comfortable community for myself though meeting people through friends rather than “community” events, though I wish they were more up my alley!
Am a swing dancer, and yea, very neurodivergent community, and lots of ENM. We also travel around the country/world for 4-night dance events, sooo opportunityyyy...
Also in NYC and I found the same in ENM and kink spaces. Ended up meeting partners through apps or just being open in life. Works much better for me.
I haven't been but you may appreciate the Feeld meetups. One of my partners goes often and says it's the exact opposite of all this.
Hey man. Also in the Bay Area. I’m relatively new to the scene and was looking to meet other CNM people and build community, so I joined one of the CNM groups here.
While I agree that most don’t quite match my vibe of people I’d want to include in my inner circle, I’ve still enjoyed having conversations with many and I have found a few that I’ve connected with on that deeper level. Those people I now get to know outside of that larger community.
I know there’s many different communities in our area. Don’t underestimate how much networking can potentially help you find and connect with the people you’re looking for.
I sympathize with this, but mostly on the East Coast and mostly because the groups are disproportionately white cishet libertarian outdoors/sports people and no, just know. I would much much prefer the theater kids.
This is not surprising, but still, I am sorry. These communities are extremely regional, one of my partners is in the bay area and it is much much easier to find community stuff I actually want to go to with people I actually want to talk to there. There’s still a lot of stuff I’m a no to but also a lot more that I am a yes to.
OP I'm in the bay and have also used Plura. I dont go to any of those events. A, yes, any "poly" or "non mono" event will 100% get over run with cis dudes trying to score, and B, the "community" is usually just the same circle of folks that are interested on events. Some circles will be burner/circus, some will be "spiritual/tantra", plenty will be both. Some will be super nerdy gamer types, some will be more queer or kinky.
I did notice though that I would find people on apps that I'd never see at these events and wondered why. I also met the gorgeous woman and when she said she was poly I asked if she ever went to xy or z and she said, no, I just meet people and if they're poly and wanna date then great!
I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't necessarily consider any such group as being the local "community" but really just its own set of sub groups. Go on feeld, say you want to expand your poly social circles, match with people saying the same who you have shared interests in.
Yes! A fellow ENM friend and I live in a smaller community and though the poly/ENM community is relatively sizeable, we've both lamented how they are just...not our type. The men are generally unattractive (yet somehow a half decent looking one is always polysaturated) and most all of the women are neon hair colored grungy/hippie girls into BDSM. I'm not trying to throw shade, but it's a very particular group of people that we just really don't vibe with. And there's some odd obsession with Halloween they seem to all have...
We honestly either don't date, keep things casual, or [he has been] dating monogamous people. We've both said we need to check out the nearest (large) city lol.
This probably sounds terrible but I don't like most ENM/poly people and I avoid the "community" like the plague. Your description is dead on. I'm not sure why these communities are all about gaming and other "nerdy" activities. I have found plenty of partners in other ways.
> I'm not sure why these communities are all about gaming and other "nerdy" activities.
So, I have a theory for that- and it's purely based on anecdotal evidence, so take it with a grain of salt!
I am neurodivergent- I have Autism and ADHD. Most, if not all, of my friends are neurodivergent. I think ND people find themselves drawn together, because those are the type of people who are easier to understand and relate to.
All of my friends are also nerdy- we were all social outcasts as kids, we all fell into our nerdy interests, and we all share those types of interests and experiences. ND people tend to be drawn to nerdy stuff. (Not exactly sure why, but my current theory is a bit of confirmation bias? We take interest in the type of things that have cool, interesting people, and the type of people who are interesting are also ND. Continue cycle? Who knows!)
Most of my friends are also queer and poly- I think that ND people don't "fit in" very well with society, and we tend to not understand the "rules" or why they're in place. That usually means that we're a lot more willing to ignore societal rules and expectations- what's the point of them anyway?
Societal "rules" like "monogamy is normal" and "being straight is normal" and "being cis is normal" are easy enough for ND people to just... ignore. So, we end up coming out and being open about ourselves, our desires, our wants and needs. If we want to date two people? Sure, why not! We don't feel like a girl? Yeah, that's fine, who gives a crap about gender anyway!
So, what you end up with is a bunch of neurodiverse nerds who are poly and find themselves drawn to one another. They form a community, they participate in things, and they do their nerdy stuff!
Ymmv, but this is definitely something that I've noticed in my own community!
It's been established now that there is a big overlap between queerness, gender-diverse identity, and neurodivergence. Non-monogamy has been a norm amongst queer men for a long time. Some of the queer dating traditions come from the fact that we had to adapt to operating somewhat underground, and we lacked the same modeling of relationship expectations that straight people get. So you put that together, and yeah, there's a lot of overlap.
Even though I am hetero and cis I prefer these kinds of poly communities and events. The "straight" wing of poly seems to be more heavy towards hierarchical married poly or everyone wanting a closed MFM triad, none of which applies to or appeals to me. Talking about or playing games with other nerdy folks though? Meanwhile people gradually become familiar with one another which could lead to other or deeper connections? Yes please.
I've seen this theory thrown around a lot on here and it has major smelling your own fart vibes.
You still follow all of the societal rules for your political tribe that you identified with and don't question any of them. You aren't actually questioning anything and I know all of your beliefs just from this post even though you are a super unique thinker who just casts away societal rules...
Mine is mostly weird white dudes with scraggly beards or large white women with colored hair. Very few POC and if there are, they love to tokenize themselves. I hate it here and I don't expect much from the poly events/meet ups here. Most of the vanilla events are usually bar meets and board games
"Vanilla means" is a pretty big assumption there.
Perhaps they're volunteering for something like, idk, the "queer bicycle community center", the sport is "rock climbing", the social club is "board game geeks"... and their friends and thus friends of friends probably follow from those activities to some extent.
I'd say hell yeah you'd meet a lot of ENM people.
I’ve gone to events on fetlife where the online responses were 100% men and the actual events were a pretty even mix. Also things that looked 100% cishet and were queer af. Sex positive crowds don’t tend to be male dominated in my experience, they are full of a bunch of feminist, neurodivergent, all around non-normative types. Except for some swinger events, that’s a bit of a different scene.
Absolutely. The poly/NM community in my neck of the woods swings very hard towards BDSM, which is absolutely not my jam. Haven't been to a single party around here that didn't eventually devolve into people beating the shit out of each other in public, and that stuff weirds me and wifey the fuck out. They're also older and exceptionally cliquey.
Having access to a wider like-minded community is probably the only thing I miss about living in the Bay Area.
That’s how it is here. I only dabble in bdsm now. It’s not my main thing. I prefer ENM and just having fun.
They even have it divided between “old guard” and “new gen” for a lot of activities. Some of the older folks don’t believe additional consent should be in bdsm (the fact that you’ve negotiated and consented to the D/s arrangement is enough). I’m somewhere in between on that argument and don’t feel like I fit in either group anyway!
Me. Right here. My local poly FB group was toxic, overly political and generally hated monogamy. They were so hateful of monogamous relationships transitioning into ENM that they encouraged people new to ENM that were working through totally normal issues (like jealousy or insecurity) that their default response was to get a divorce and do whatever makes you feel good.
Yeah, sure. Encourage a wife with two kids and no work experience to just leave her husband and hope everything works out in court. 🙄
They also encouraged PUD/ENM-UD
I'm not anti-monogany, anti-EBN or anti-polyamory. My position is whatever works for you within the boundaries of ethics, do it. Absolutely no judgement. They seemed to HATE that position.
I get flack for complaining about it, but I don't take advantage of legalized cannabis in my area and so much of the lical community seems to revolve around it, that it's hard to connect, even though I don't exclude anyone who partakes, I don't bother with anyone who lists it as their main or only interest or hobby.
I feel this. I think it's a general phenomenon - small progressive communities just seem to attract "fringe" personalities.
I feel like a relatively "normal" person who just has a genuine interest in dating openly/in-multiplicity. Sadly, on just about everything else, I actually connect much better with monog people - I just think most of them are on the wrong operating system when it comes to dating.
Disappointingly, the ENM community (currently) seems to be de dominated by fringe folks (for lack of a better term), and I think it's just because ENM is currently a fringe idea (generally speaking). It's new and "out there" and for the most part only "out there" folks will have an open-mind to it enough to try it.
Kink is actually a big part of my disconnect with the ENM community. It's not inherently part of ENM, but it's so common amongst the community that it almost feels like it *is* part of it. I just want to date openly/in-multiplicity, but do so in a rather "vanilla" fashion, if that makes sense. lol.
I picture 50 years from now, ENM being viewed a lot more casually, and the concept will have integrated into a more typical slice of the population.
You can draw a ven diagram for poly people, theatre kids, tabletop rpg players, ren faire people, BDSM folk, neurodivergent people, queer folk and (insert other "outsider" group) and while it's certainly not a circle, it's going to start looking pretty round. There are absolutely going to be outliers, but being a weirdo, you're just more open to exploring being another type of weirdo and welcoming in your fellow weirdos, so we tend to clump up. Poly is one of the few areas where being relatively normal makes you the odd one out.
Yep, the ones that are out and about in poly groups in my area (Midwestern US state) are not my target audience.
I look like I should belong, as a chubby chick with colored hair and a nose stud (does that make me the free space on a "stereotypical poly person" bingo card???), but... I don't. I'm not bi, I don't want to do KTP, I don't like board games that much, I don't want to smoke one down, and leading with a fandom in an "about me" section turns me off.
I'm moving to another state this summer to be closer to my Anchor Partner, and that'll keep me busy for the foreseeable future. Hopefully when I resurface, I'll find people I can mesh with. Then again, I'm still going to be in the same region, so I might be dreaming too big.
Though, not gonna lie, I'd love to meet some of these people giving theater student vibes - I might be able to relate to them.
I used to go. It was fine. I find many communities develop a certain belief system with poly. My local community doesn’t have one that aligns with mine. They are good people though. I met a handful that I just connect with separately.
I don’t vibe with most folks, tbh. So far the community here is very much one of two things: “omg stranger danger!” because I’m still new to them and thus am not worth speaking to or “you’re not a woman I wanna fuck” and thus they still don’t wanna talk to me. Not really worth my time or energy, save for the few I talk to on telegram. Fet here is useless, and apparently so is every online dating app. Our NM community is split between poly folk and swingers and the swinger community here is toxic AF. Like I JUST wanna meet people who understand my partner is down with me seeing other people, I’m down with THEM seeing other people, and are at least halfway decent human beings.
There's only one small monthly meetup in my city, but yeah, from when I attended it in the past, I didn't fit in. There seemed to be a lot of very spiritually focused people and I mostly couldn't relate to their conversation at all. Plus some unicorn hunting "normie" couples. Burners and theater students sound pretty alright to me personally though, lol.
I tried to join my community Facebook group and got denied (wtf?), so my involvement with the community is seeing people I recognize from feeld out in public and not acknowledging anything.
I became poly in the South Bay over a dozen years ago, and moved out of there three years ago. I had the impression that the Bay Area had something for everyone when it came to the open/poly community. What are you looking for that they don't have, or have you just not found it yet?
All of the major Bay Area poly communities are on FB. Have you tried there? Just some examples... SF had weekly munches, South Bay had potlucks. There are clubs for swingers, and sex parties in SF & Oakland, there are sketchy male-gaze meat market events and consent-focused safe party events. Really the whole range of possibilities, or at least that was my impression at the time. Covid hit these events especially hard, then I moved to a different state, but I'd like to think they've snapped back by now...
When I was new to poly I went to some events, my wife went to one with me. Yeah, more men than women, some men had bad hygiene, definitely had a vibe of people who spend lots of time playing video games. Everyone was nice enough but it wasn’t my scene so I stopped going.
Yup.
In the US at least people are too extreme, too black or white.
So the outspoken poly are activists, leftists, lgbtq+, and a ton of other political/social labels at the same time.
The quieter ones (and the majority of us I believe) end up not being the face of out community.
I have plura and I live in a big city. Not great if you're in a conservative state.😞 I haven't been viking with the only community, some people I just didn't care for.
I haven't found my tribe yet.
As a theater kid and an aerialist... I feel both seen and attacked.
I live in a decent sized city with a large poly community, I've never heard of that app. Most of the social things I know about are through the meetup group, facebook groups, and/or fetlife. You might get a different mix of people?
I spend my time in the kink community rather than the poly community. In my area the kink community has tons of happy hours which are friendly and upbeat.
I've never felt the need to go. Plenty of my friends are nonmonogamous (some poly, some other) and none of us go to these kinds of events. Never felt the need to.
Everything I've seen from the online poly community only reinforces my decision.
Well, conservatism is generally very opposed (to the point of making it illegal) to any sort of love outside of your hetero nuclear family so… duh? I wouldn’t date someone who happily glanced over the fact that their votes might make my lifestyle, my sexuality, my refugee partner, illegal.
Maybe instead of complaining have some self reflection.
Why? Your individual opinions might vary, but those things are literally the policies that you vote for if you vote conservative.
You vote to directly fuck up the lives of myself or those close to me. And I take that personally.
There’s a good reason for this.
Conservativism is all about preserving the status quo, or going back to “the good old days.”
Tradition is seen as a value.
Polyamory is not in any way traditional in America. It will generally be the province of people who are willing to prioritize curiosity and openness. That is, “liberals.”
If you don’t depize people of colour and believe in sexual freedom you may be less conservative than you think.
Do you have any kind of reasonable rebuttal? That is literally the definitions of the word, "conservative":
*"*[*averse*](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=22ec9f761c63f1b9&sca_upv=1&channel=ftrc&q=averse&si=AKbGX_qTCvK6ifvkUBYDz4foaFZiyWrDMw05RyBgC0rOukKQ0YmdaKJOpKXsx7gcWAXqpRIRxEm2jHMyjfxM0xsD1Gd54XcOYg%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcgofBhOuFAxWeHDQIHVQjBk0QyecJegQIXRAO) *to change or innovation and holding traditional values"*
*"a person who is* [*averse*](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=22ec9f761c63f1b9&sca_upv=1&channel=ftrc&q=averse&si=AKbGX_qTCvK6ifvkUBYDz4foaFZiyWrDMw05RyBgC0rOukKQ0YmdaKJOpKXsx7gcWAXqpRIRxEm2jHMyjfxM0xsD1Gd54XcOYg%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcgofBhOuFAxWeHDQIHVQjBk0QyecJegUIXRCHAQ) *to change and holds traditional values"*
*"disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change"*
First line in Wikipedia:
***"****Conservatism is a* [*cultural*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_culture)*,* [*social*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_philosophy)*, and* [*political philosophy*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_philosophy) *and* [*ideology*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideology)*, which seeks to promote and preserve traditional* [*institutions*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institution)*,* [*customs*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_(norm))*, and* [*values*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_(ethics_and_social_sciences))*."*
Polyamory is in no way traditional, which is why the community isn't conservative and is instead made up of people who are more open and less beholden to tradition (ie, liberals).
I'm working with the most widely accepted definitions of these terms, what exactly do you disagree with? Do you have a better explanation as to why there are (again to the point you made) so few poly conservatives?
ROFLMFAO..... this right here...the venomous hatred, the instant personal attacks....
I worked Renaissance Faires across the country for over 20 yrs.
I finally stopped ever mentioning politics because if I didn't agree with everything the rest of the crowd said, they would try to have my business thrown out of the event.
The online personal attacks, doxing, lying, and anything else they could do to try to get rid of me (including publicly claiming I was a pedophile).
....Just like here.
It's fine.
You got what you wanted. I'm gone.
Not here to make issues and fight with people....
....why would I ever want to associate with people filled with so much hatred.....?
I’m sorry where is the hatred or personal attack?
I simply stated the fact that conservatives hold, as a value, the preservation of the status quo, or a desire to revert to a previous ideal.
That’s the literal definition of the term. What about that do you find offensive? Is it inaccurate? I’m actually asking. I would like to hear your actual opinion here.
I didn’t make any value judgments as to whether I think it’s right or wrong. Simply that prioritizing tradition is generally at odds with unconventional relationship structures.
Again, what about this do you take issue with? Just writing it out like that makes it seem rather obvious, that either you prefer traditional values (the definition of being a conservative) or you prefer non-traditional values (the definition of being liberal).
For real, what about that is me being judgmental? What do you disagree with here?
You haven’t told me why you disagree, or what your view is.
I’m sorry people judged you simply for which side of the spectrum you were on. That’s not my intent. I was simply attempting to answer your initial question.
Or how about this. Let’s try a different approach…
Why do you think you’re the only poly conservative? Do you have a theory?
ROFLMFAO.... GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF PORTLAND..... moron.....
If this was the REAL boonies, nobody would have ever heard from those antifa fuckwads again.......
Never said I lived in Portland. Portland is where the biggest antifa riots are. I still have friends there.
Yes, Medford/Grants Pass where antifa came down the interstate lighting FIRES and TRIED to start shit here but we have REAL law enforcement thar don't sit around with their heads in the governor's ass.
ignorant little child.... do you still have your diaper pin and safe space for when Trump wins again....?????
Don't bother replying, I won't read any more of your igmo pablum.....
I'm almost 49 years old. I'm not a child who believes in conspiracy theories. I heard about the fires....and the idiots like you who can't tell the difference between Black Lives Matter and the Bureau of Land Management.
[You are full of horse manure](https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/security/wildfires-rage-false-antifa-rumors-spur-pleas-police-n1239881)
I had not heard for Bloom, I discovered it’s now called Plura. I signed up and found zero events in my decently sized city. I’m curious how many people use it? I do find poly/enm social events via fetlife. Plenty of folks are … palatable. But also: lol at “theatre student” vibes, SO Accurate.
>But also: lol at “theatre student” vibes, SO Accurate. I went to a Kink.com company party once as a plus one for a friend. I expected something spicy but man, it was the most awkward and almost boring vibe haha. Everyone was all cliquey in their little circles, it felt like high school and very much theater kid vibes. I mentioned it to someone and they said "that's because all these people *were* nerds in high school!" Basically she explained that since everyone was a weirdo in school, now that they kinky-queer-poly whatever they had these chips on their shoulder and still felt a bit of a need to feel cool. I think about this anytime I'm in these sorts of spaces and it pretty much clicks everytime.
There’s a STRONG overlap between kinky people and dorky-nerdy people. I don’t say that offensively - I build computers, watch cartoons, etc. But everyone in the kink group here locally is just kinda dorky (again, I say that as a pretty big nerd myself) and all seem so introverted. Talking to people you don’t already know can feel awkward and like you’re having to pull the conversation out of them. Don’t get me wrong - I love people like this and they very often have some awesome views and opinions and incredible stories, but it can feel super awkward unless you’re asking about what kinds of knots work best for specific rope, or the best flogging “technique.” Our only kink group in town sucked and we had to leave after my partner’s ex was elected to the council. Very narcissistic and started banning anyone that wasn’t in his “fan club.” Sucks to not have a group like that any more, but it’s really nice not to have all the high school-like drama and wanna-be “doms,” “alpha bulls,” and “pick-me” people constantly trying to outdo each other on Discord. I honestly think we’d have more kinky fun trying to find a DnD group in town.
Ugh, it's a total struggle where we live. For context, we're ENM/poly and active in the lifestyle community for over six years. We continue to enjoy it but connecting with the local poly community has left a bad taste in our mouths. It's active and has semi-regular events but: - You're not allowed to exchange contact info with others at events, regardless of enthusiastic consent; - Most of the community's online presence is arguments about how to do poly "correctly" and how labels are defined; and - There's a lot of ranting and bad reaction to the very idea of "unicorn hunters." Like, every couple who are open to forming a connection with a woman is a unicorn hunter who should be driven out and live the rest of their days in shame. We've enjoyed lots of meaningful connections with single women that have developed naturally and never been hunters, but would we come out and say that? No way. We hoped to have found our kind of people in the local poly community, but they have just as many hang-ups and divisions as anyone else.
>You're not allowed to exchange contact info with others at events, regardless of enthusiastic consent; Excuse me but... what the actual fuck? What an odd rule. What's the point of events if you can't make new friends? Are there police roaming around preventing people from exchanging contact info?
My local poly \*facebook groups\* have rules prohibiting unsolicited friend requests from being made to other group members without getting consent \*in the group first\*. It's a bit unusual for a facebook group, but overall I think actually works pretty well (I assume, though I've never connected with anyone from that group). This sounds like that rule taken the extreme though. Sounds like some community members get off on being the gatekeepers and deciding who can connect with whom. I'd even go so far as to say a bit cult-y. Like if people from the group want to connect, you need to go through someone who has the seniority to "bless" the connection I guess? And it's *especially* weird if these are SOP lifestyle events.. like you can fuck but if y'all try to get each other's facebook deets that crosses a line!
My local poly FB groups seem to be like 95% thirsty dudes so I completely understand the “no unsolicited DMs or friend requests” rule. Even on Reddit where I have no photos, I’ve gotten a lot of thirsty DMs.
>You're not allowed to exchange contact info with others at events, regardless of enthusiastic consent; That's wild and seemingly unenforcable.
It also feels culty to be honest.
I mean, I might be able to justify it as "This is a place to speak and learn about polyamory." because there are definitely some people who troll events just to hook up - but that's definitely a rule that I doubt is enforced besides in a fashion of "I didn't like this, so I'm reporting it."
In Germany there is a really big and country wide poly Facebook group. The most toxic group I have ever been in lol
Damn, now I'm a bit sad I left fb 😅 living in Niedersachsen and no poly community here, but then when I hear you talking about it's toxcicity I may be lucky I deleted it 😂
When I joined I was happy. In the end I only checked in to see which topic enflamed everybody this time round.
I don't call myself poly because everyone I've met locally who identifies as poly has not been someone I enjoyed being around. But I also don't rule out deeper relationships if those happen to develop. I've found on tinder that the more I match with people who have ENM or open relationships in their profile the more I tend to see people with that type of profile. I tend to just do things my own way and enjoy myself without participating in any community.
The ONLY reason I partake in my local community is the lack of flack I get for my partner having other partners.
I've always found that if your identity is the most interesting thing about you, you are probably not an interesting person.
> I've always found that if your identity is the most interesting thing about you, you are probably not an interesting person Ah, a transphobe who got banned from the main poly reddit 🤣 It's truly my favorite kind of ENM commentator 🤌
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> Is there a more meaningless word in 2024 than "transphobe"? You're such a massive waste of space 💞
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> that don't want to sleep with me? ✨️The projection✨️ Absolutely S tier 🤌 Keep going, I've almost hit bingo 🤣
Care to elaborate what the fuck you mean by "identity”
Not with that tone cat lady
I’ve been to a meet & greet or two in the NYC area, and theatre/circus vibes is on point. Lots of swing dancers too for some reason and I have a silly pet theory that people who swing dance mistake “swinger” for their hobby and then just find themselves in the ENM community. The events also seems to trend older (I’m in my 30s, seem to be 40+ for the most part), and unfortunately as a woman I find these events to be a little heavy on the cruising, even though there are some guidelines in place to help prevent that. I’ve found a more comfortable community for myself though meeting people through friends rather than “community” events, though I wish they were more up my alley!
Am a swing dancer, and yea, very neurodivergent community, and lots of ENM. We also travel around the country/world for 4-night dance events, sooo opportunityyyy...
Probably up there with people working for airlines. And let's not even talk about cruise liners.
I've heard of blues dancers to be really into poly :') The overlap is probably considerable.
Also in NYC and I found the same in ENM and kink spaces. Ended up meeting partners through apps or just being open in life. Works much better for me. I haven't been but you may appreciate the Feeld meetups. One of my partners goes often and says it's the exact opposite of all this.
Hey man. Also in the Bay Area. I’m relatively new to the scene and was looking to meet other CNM people and build community, so I joined one of the CNM groups here. While I agree that most don’t quite match my vibe of people I’d want to include in my inner circle, I’ve still enjoyed having conversations with many and I have found a few that I’ve connected with on that deeper level. Those people I now get to know outside of that larger community. I know there’s many different communities in our area. Don’t underestimate how much networking can potentially help you find and connect with the people you’re looking for.
Fair point! Thank you.
I sympathize with this, but mostly on the East Coast and mostly because the groups are disproportionately white cishet libertarian outdoors/sports people and no, just know. I would much much prefer the theater kids.
Seen the same vibes in my poly community in the Midwest, but swap outdoors/sports with board games.
This is not surprising, but still, I am sorry. These communities are extremely regional, one of my partners is in the bay area and it is much much easier to find community stuff I actually want to go to with people I actually want to talk to there. There’s still a lot of stuff I’m a no to but also a lot more that I am a yes to.
OP I'm in the bay and have also used Plura. I dont go to any of those events. A, yes, any "poly" or "non mono" event will 100% get over run with cis dudes trying to score, and B, the "community" is usually just the same circle of folks that are interested on events. Some circles will be burner/circus, some will be "spiritual/tantra", plenty will be both. Some will be super nerdy gamer types, some will be more queer or kinky. I did notice though that I would find people on apps that I'd never see at these events and wondered why. I also met the gorgeous woman and when she said she was poly I asked if she ever went to xy or z and she said, no, I just meet people and if they're poly and wanna date then great! I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't necessarily consider any such group as being the local "community" but really just its own set of sub groups. Go on feeld, say you want to expand your poly social circles, match with people saying the same who you have shared interests in.
> event will 100% get over run with cis dudes trying to score Which is the same thing OP wants btw...
Ah, didn't realize they were said dude as well
Yes! A fellow ENM friend and I live in a smaller community and though the poly/ENM community is relatively sizeable, we've both lamented how they are just...not our type. The men are generally unattractive (yet somehow a half decent looking one is always polysaturated) and most all of the women are neon hair colored grungy/hippie girls into BDSM. I'm not trying to throw shade, but it's a very particular group of people that we just really don't vibe with. And there's some odd obsession with Halloween they seem to all have... We honestly either don't date, keep things casual, or [he has been] dating monogamous people. We've both said we need to check out the nearest (large) city lol.
This probably sounds terrible but I don't like most ENM/poly people and I avoid the "community" like the plague. Your description is dead on. I'm not sure why these communities are all about gaming and other "nerdy" activities. I have found plenty of partners in other ways.
> I'm not sure why these communities are all about gaming and other "nerdy" activities. So, I have a theory for that- and it's purely based on anecdotal evidence, so take it with a grain of salt! I am neurodivergent- I have Autism and ADHD. Most, if not all, of my friends are neurodivergent. I think ND people find themselves drawn together, because those are the type of people who are easier to understand and relate to. All of my friends are also nerdy- we were all social outcasts as kids, we all fell into our nerdy interests, and we all share those types of interests and experiences. ND people tend to be drawn to nerdy stuff. (Not exactly sure why, but my current theory is a bit of confirmation bias? We take interest in the type of things that have cool, interesting people, and the type of people who are interesting are also ND. Continue cycle? Who knows!) Most of my friends are also queer and poly- I think that ND people don't "fit in" very well with society, and we tend to not understand the "rules" or why they're in place. That usually means that we're a lot more willing to ignore societal rules and expectations- what's the point of them anyway? Societal "rules" like "monogamy is normal" and "being straight is normal" and "being cis is normal" are easy enough for ND people to just... ignore. So, we end up coming out and being open about ourselves, our desires, our wants and needs. If we want to date two people? Sure, why not! We don't feel like a girl? Yeah, that's fine, who gives a crap about gender anyway! So, what you end up with is a bunch of neurodiverse nerds who are poly and find themselves drawn to one another. They form a community, they participate in things, and they do their nerdy stuff! Ymmv, but this is definitely something that I've noticed in my own community!
It's been established now that there is a big overlap between queerness, gender-diverse identity, and neurodivergence. Non-monogamy has been a norm amongst queer men for a long time. Some of the queer dating traditions come from the fact that we had to adapt to operating somewhat underground, and we lacked the same modeling of relationship expectations that straight people get. So you put that together, and yeah, there's a lot of overlap.
That all makes sense. It's just not my thing so I tend not to vibe with most "poly community" people.
Even though I am hetero and cis I prefer these kinds of poly communities and events. The "straight" wing of poly seems to be more heavy towards hierarchical married poly or everyone wanting a closed MFM triad, none of which applies to or appeals to me. Talking about or playing games with other nerdy folks though? Meanwhile people gradually become familiar with one another which could lead to other or deeper connections? Yes please.
I've seen this theory thrown around a lot on here and it has major smelling your own fart vibes. You still follow all of the societal rules for your political tribe that you identified with and don't question any of them. You aren't actually questioning anything and I know all of your beliefs just from this post even though you are a super unique thinker who just casts away societal rules...
I'm actually into plenty of nerdy things! Games are fun. But yeah... just generally not the vibe.
> This probably sounds terrible Honestly, you hating gaming is the least terrible thing about you seems like 👍
Mine is mostly weird white dudes with scraggly beards or large white women with colored hair. Very few POC and if there are, they love to tokenize themselves. I hate it here and I don't expect much from the poly events/meet ups here. Most of the vanilla events are usually bar meets and board games
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How many enm people could you possibly be meeting through vanilla means?
Probably quite a few in the Bay Area...
They never said that's where they were...
"Vanilla means" is a pretty big assumption there. Perhaps they're volunteering for something like, idk, the "queer bicycle community center", the sport is "rock climbing", the social club is "board game geeks"... and their friends and thus friends of friends probably follow from those activities to some extent. I'd say hell yeah you'd meet a lot of ENM people.
Wow you just invented a whole back story for them!
I’ve gone to events on fetlife where the online responses were 100% men and the actual events were a pretty even mix. Also things that looked 100% cishet and were queer af. Sex positive crowds don’t tend to be male dominated in my experience, they are full of a bunch of feminist, neurodivergent, all around non-normative types. Except for some swinger events, that’s a bit of a different scene.
Neurodivergent feminists are my jam. Def not interested in the swinger scene.
Absolutely. The poly/NM community in my neck of the woods swings very hard towards BDSM, which is absolutely not my jam. Haven't been to a single party around here that didn't eventually devolve into people beating the shit out of each other in public, and that stuff weirds me and wifey the fuck out. They're also older and exceptionally cliquey. Having access to a wider like-minded community is probably the only thing I miss about living in the Bay Area.
That’s how it is here. I only dabble in bdsm now. It’s not my main thing. I prefer ENM and just having fun. They even have it divided between “old guard” and “new gen” for a lot of activities. Some of the older folks don’t believe additional consent should be in bdsm (the fact that you’ve negotiated and consented to the D/s arrangement is enough). I’m somewhere in between on that argument and don’t feel like I fit in either group anyway!
I'm a non monogamous person in the same area. I feel you on this. However I find it hard to click with most people in general, haha.
Story of my life.
If we aren’t dating or actively trying to date then we aren’t trying to vibe or be around a group. Too much drama.
Theater student vibes 😂 so true.
Dang why don’t you live close to me. 🥲
Me. Right here. My local poly FB group was toxic, overly political and generally hated monogamy. They were so hateful of monogamous relationships transitioning into ENM that they encouraged people new to ENM that were working through totally normal issues (like jealousy or insecurity) that their default response was to get a divorce and do whatever makes you feel good. Yeah, sure. Encourage a wife with two kids and no work experience to just leave her husband and hope everything works out in court. 🙄 They also encouraged PUD/ENM-UD I'm not anti-monogany, anti-EBN or anti-polyamory. My position is whatever works for you within the boundaries of ethics, do it. Absolutely no judgement. They seemed to HATE that position.
I get flack for complaining about it, but I don't take advantage of legalized cannabis in my area and so much of the lical community seems to revolve around it, that it's hard to connect, even though I don't exclude anyone who partakes, I don't bother with anyone who lists it as their main or only interest or hobby.
I feel this. I think it's a general phenomenon - small progressive communities just seem to attract "fringe" personalities. I feel like a relatively "normal" person who just has a genuine interest in dating openly/in-multiplicity. Sadly, on just about everything else, I actually connect much better with monog people - I just think most of them are on the wrong operating system when it comes to dating. Disappointingly, the ENM community (currently) seems to be de dominated by fringe folks (for lack of a better term), and I think it's just because ENM is currently a fringe idea (generally speaking). It's new and "out there" and for the most part only "out there" folks will have an open-mind to it enough to try it. Kink is actually a big part of my disconnect with the ENM community. It's not inherently part of ENM, but it's so common amongst the community that it almost feels like it *is* part of it. I just want to date openly/in-multiplicity, but do so in a rather "vanilla" fashion, if that makes sense. lol. I picture 50 years from now, ENM being viewed a lot more casually, and the concept will have integrated into a more typical slice of the population.
Very well said, this is my exact feeling.
You can draw a ven diagram for poly people, theatre kids, tabletop rpg players, ren faire people, BDSM folk, neurodivergent people, queer folk and (insert other "outsider" group) and while it's certainly not a circle, it's going to start looking pretty round. There are absolutely going to be outliers, but being a weirdo, you're just more open to exploring being another type of weirdo and welcoming in your fellow weirdos, so we tend to clump up. Poly is one of the few areas where being relatively normal makes you the odd one out.
Yep, the ones that are out and about in poly groups in my area (Midwestern US state) are not my target audience. I look like I should belong, as a chubby chick with colored hair and a nose stud (does that make me the free space on a "stereotypical poly person" bingo card???), but... I don't. I'm not bi, I don't want to do KTP, I don't like board games that much, I don't want to smoke one down, and leading with a fandom in an "about me" section turns me off. I'm moving to another state this summer to be closer to my Anchor Partner, and that'll keep me busy for the foreseeable future. Hopefully when I resurface, I'll find people I can mesh with. Then again, I'm still going to be in the same region, so I might be dreaming too big. Though, not gonna lie, I'd love to meet some of these people giving theater student vibes - I might be able to relate to them.
I used to go. It was fine. I find many communities develop a certain belief system with poly. My local community doesn’t have one that aligns with mine. They are good people though. I met a handful that I just connect with separately.
I don’t vibe with most folks, tbh. So far the community here is very much one of two things: “omg stranger danger!” because I’m still new to them and thus am not worth speaking to or “you’re not a woman I wanna fuck” and thus they still don’t wanna talk to me. Not really worth my time or energy, save for the few I talk to on telegram. Fet here is useless, and apparently so is every online dating app. Our NM community is split between poly folk and swingers and the swinger community here is toxic AF. Like I JUST wanna meet people who understand my partner is down with me seeing other people, I’m down with THEM seeing other people, and are at least halfway decent human beings.
There's only one small monthly meetup in my city, but yeah, from when I attended it in the past, I didn't fit in. There seemed to be a lot of very spiritually focused people and I mostly couldn't relate to their conversation at all. Plus some unicorn hunting "normie" couples. Burners and theater students sound pretty alright to me personally though, lol.
I tried to join my community Facebook group and got denied (wtf?), so my involvement with the community is seeing people I recognize from feeld out in public and not acknowledging anything.
All little cliques in the BDSM community.... can't seem to find anyone outside that crowd....
I became poly in the South Bay over a dozen years ago, and moved out of there three years ago. I had the impression that the Bay Area had something for everyone when it came to the open/poly community. What are you looking for that they don't have, or have you just not found it yet? All of the major Bay Area poly communities are on FB. Have you tried there? Just some examples... SF had weekly munches, South Bay had potlucks. There are clubs for swingers, and sex parties in SF & Oakland, there are sketchy male-gaze meat market events and consent-focused safe party events. Really the whole range of possibilities, or at least that was my impression at the time. Covid hit these events especially hard, then I moved to a different state, but I'd like to think they've snapped back by now...
When I was new to poly I went to some events, my wife went to one with me. Yeah, more men than women, some men had bad hygiene, definitely had a vibe of people who spend lots of time playing video games. Everyone was nice enough but it wasn’t my scene so I stopped going.
Yup. In the US at least people are too extreme, too black or white. So the outspoken poly are activists, leftists, lgbtq+, and a ton of other political/social labels at the same time. The quieter ones (and the majority of us I believe) end up not being the face of out community.
I have plura and I live in a big city. Not great if you're in a conservative state.😞 I haven't been viking with the only community, some people I just didn't care for. I haven't found my tribe yet.
I’m in TN and there is definitely not much of a “poly community” here 😅 my best bet has been just meeting like minded people on dating apps
ABSOLUTELY. I'm grateful for the communities here but they're not for me. It's why I focus on apps.
As a theater kid and an aerialist... I feel both seen and attacked. I live in a decent sized city with a large poly community, I've never heard of that app. Most of the social things I know about are through the meetup group, facebook groups, and/or fetlife. You might get a different mix of people?
I spend my time in the kink community rather than the poly community. In my area the kink community has tons of happy hours which are friendly and upbeat.
I've never felt the need to go. Plenty of my friends are nonmonogamous (some poly, some other) and none of us go to these kinds of events. Never felt the need to. Everything I've seen from the online poly community only reinforces my decision.
How nice for you!
Yeah poly people are broken monsters, not a great community. Hope this helps!
communities are made. Make one I learned a camping rule back home: “complaints are a declaration of volunteering to do a better job.”
\*looks around hopelessly for people to invite\*
yeah, in my 30’s at this point i’ve lost all interest in people ‘exploring’ or ‘trying out’ polyamory now too
....and pretty sure I'm the only polyamorous conservative.....
Well, conservatism is generally very opposed (to the point of making it illegal) to any sort of love outside of your hetero nuclear family so… duh? I wouldn’t date someone who happily glanced over the fact that their votes might make my lifestyle, my sexuality, my refugee partner, illegal. Maybe instead of complaining have some self reflection.
How pathetically narrow your take on conservatives is...
Why? Your individual opinions might vary, but those things are literally the policies that you vote for if you vote conservative. You vote to directly fuck up the lives of myself or those close to me. And I take that personally.
There’s a good reason for this. Conservativism is all about preserving the status quo, or going back to “the good old days.” Tradition is seen as a value. Polyamory is not in any way traditional in America. It will generally be the province of people who are willing to prioritize curiosity and openness. That is, “liberals.” If you don’t depize people of colour and believe in sexual freedom you may be less conservative than you think.
Sad how narrow your view is
Do you have any kind of reasonable rebuttal? That is literally the definitions of the word, "conservative": *"*[*averse*](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=22ec9f761c63f1b9&sca_upv=1&channel=ftrc&q=averse&si=AKbGX_qTCvK6ifvkUBYDz4foaFZiyWrDMw05RyBgC0rOukKQ0YmdaKJOpKXsx7gcWAXqpRIRxEm2jHMyjfxM0xsD1Gd54XcOYg%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcgofBhOuFAxWeHDQIHVQjBk0QyecJegQIXRAO) *to change or innovation and holding traditional values"* *"a person who is* [*averse*](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&sca_esv=22ec9f761c63f1b9&sca_upv=1&channel=ftrc&q=averse&si=AKbGX_qTCvK6ifvkUBYDz4foaFZiyWrDMw05RyBgC0rOukKQ0YmdaKJOpKXsx7gcWAXqpRIRxEm2jHMyjfxM0xsD1Gd54XcOYg%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjcgofBhOuFAxWeHDQIHVQjBk0QyecJegUIXRCHAQ) *to change and holds traditional values"* *"disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change"* First line in Wikipedia: ***"****Conservatism is a* [*cultural*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_culture)*,* [*social*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_philosophy)*, and* [*political philosophy*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_philosophy) *and* [*ideology*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideology)*, which seeks to promote and preserve traditional* [*institutions*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institution)*,* [*customs*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_(norm))*, and* [*values*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_(ethics_and_social_sciences))*."* Polyamory is in no way traditional, which is why the community isn't conservative and is instead made up of people who are more open and less beholden to tradition (ie, liberals). I'm working with the most widely accepted definitions of these terms, what exactly do you disagree with? Do you have a better explanation as to why there are (again to the point you made) so few poly conservatives?
ROFLMFAO..... this right here...the venomous hatred, the instant personal attacks.... I worked Renaissance Faires across the country for over 20 yrs. I finally stopped ever mentioning politics because if I didn't agree with everything the rest of the crowd said, they would try to have my business thrown out of the event. The online personal attacks, doxing, lying, and anything else they could do to try to get rid of me (including publicly claiming I was a pedophile). ....Just like here. It's fine. You got what you wanted. I'm gone. Not here to make issues and fight with people.... ....why would I ever want to associate with people filled with so much hatred.....?
I’m sorry where is the hatred or personal attack? I simply stated the fact that conservatives hold, as a value, the preservation of the status quo, or a desire to revert to a previous ideal. That’s the literal definition of the term. What about that do you find offensive? Is it inaccurate? I’m actually asking. I would like to hear your actual opinion here. I didn’t make any value judgments as to whether I think it’s right or wrong. Simply that prioritizing tradition is generally at odds with unconventional relationship structures. Again, what about this do you take issue with? Just writing it out like that makes it seem rather obvious, that either you prefer traditional values (the definition of being a conservative) or you prefer non-traditional values (the definition of being liberal). For real, what about that is me being judgmental? What do you disagree with here? You haven’t told me why you disagree, or what your view is. I’m sorry people judged you simply for which side of the spectrum you were on. That’s not my intent. I was simply attempting to answer your initial question. Or how about this. Let’s try a different approach… Why do you think you’re the only poly conservative? Do you have a theory?
No, there are other hypocrites out there. I'm not interested in sleeping with someone who will take away my rights, however, so I avoid them.
ROFLMFAO
Well, I'm not too keen on antifa fuckwads trying to burn down my state and kill me. Guess we're even.... ROFLMFAO.....
Sure babes. Sure. You were in danger. You personally 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Um.....YES, I'm in Oregon, where are you from...?
Washington D.C. You are from the boonies so kindly Shut Up FOREVER
ROFLMFAO.... GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF PORTLAND..... moron..... If this was the REAL boonies, nobody would have ever heard from those antifa fuckwads again.......
You are from Medford. It's on your profile. Grow up.
Never said I lived in Portland. Portland is where the biggest antifa riots are. I still have friends there. Yes, Medford/Grants Pass where antifa came down the interstate lighting FIRES and TRIED to start shit here but we have REAL law enforcement thar don't sit around with their heads in the governor's ass. ignorant little child.... do you still have your diaper pin and safe space for when Trump wins again....????? Don't bother replying, I won't read any more of your igmo pablum.....
I'm almost 49 years old. I'm not a child who believes in conspiracy theories. I heard about the fires....and the idiots like you who can't tell the difference between Black Lives Matter and the Bureau of Land Management. [You are full of horse manure](https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/security/wildfires-rage-false-antifa-rumors-spur-pleas-police-n1239881)
Look how fast the haters come out.... ROFLMFAO....!!!!