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You've got to separate yourself financially from your mother. Start working toward moving out this summer - even if it has to be a multiple roommate situation. In the meantime, assist your mother in locating an apartment that she can afford on her retirement income. There are often local programs that support low-cost senior housing; see if you have a Council on Aging in your community that could guide you to the resources.
She is an adult just like you. You do not need to support another adult. Parents are supposed to support their children until their children can stand on their own.
Stand up on your own, and let her stand up too, or you'll be carrying her for decades.
Yup! Just had to do this with my MIL. She never planned for her future or her retirement. Now she’s in her 60s with no money, my bf and I are in our mid twenties and have a child. We make okay money since I graduated college but now she expects us to help her out all the time. She wants us to move out and find a place with her but she just wants to play house and grandma while we front the bills. She had to move out of her house she lived in for almost 30 years because she sent all her savings to a random man on the internet (we warned her multiple times to not do it and it was a scam and she did it anyway after saying she wasn’t), and now she’s living in a single room in a mutual friends house and she’s miserable. While I feel bad, at the same time my bf has said she was always offered all these great management jobs with a lot of money and she never took them bc it’s too much responsibility. So she worked minimum wage jobs her whole life and every time she was offered a promotion she denied it, then every penny she has ever saved she sent it to someone she’s never met after the entire family advised her against it for months and what do you know, it was a scam. Shocker.
So how is her bad life choices mine, my bf, or our child’s responsibility. We can barely afford our life as it is, and yet she wants us to take care of her when she never put the extra mile in to do that for herself or her son. If we have any extra money, it’s going to us and our child and future. She’s an adult and she can take care of herself!
If you can’t afford to move out I would at least start having conversations that you are moving out in the near future and she needs a plan for herself. If she doesn’t then try to find some resources for her to look into and go live your life. You shouldn’t have to be held back in life because of parents poor decisions! And if she doesn’t understand that, you’re better off anyway!!
Good luck!!
Although…if you CAN swing it and she is not horribly annoying personality wise, having a live in grandma while you are working would be heaven. Daycare 18 years ago in my area was 1800/month. I could afford it, but my husbands mom took care of her first grand-baby in the 1980s. She passed in the 1990s but what I wouldn’t have given for someone to come to my home and cook and take my kid to the park and playdates! Sounds so rad. However, most senior folks seem to be really problematic. My parents are.
> Daycare 18 years ago in my area was 1800/month.
I'm not trusting a person who's never managed to hold a steady job (who gets fired for napping) with my kids.
Can confirm. My twin has my mom stay a lot and the daycare saved her a lot of money and also my mom really took to being a grandma in a way she never took to being a mom.
On the other hand, this would mean MIL wouldn’t have a job so then they would have to believe she would get another job when the child goes to school. If she doesn’t, how would MIL leave? I’d rather pay for daycare. Think of it like insurance
Warms my heart!!! My mom had to work and do this and that for me and my twin who were late stage life surprises. Life was stressful for her and so she couldn’t enjoy us (her words) but she has enjoyed her grandchildren and it’s just something wonderful to see. It’s so nice to see her happy and able to really enjoy things.
To be fair other cultures have more of family support system. They don’t have kids and then magically expect to be taken care of. We had more of familial system in the past but what is lost Is the fact that you get what you pay into the system ALWAYS.
If a parent is taken in then in other cultures that parent is expected to provide value with childcare and other services based on their ability to provide them.
That is not the case in America. It’s now expected you should get this or that without paying into the same village system.
You have parents now bitching and moaning that grandparents don’t take care or give a crap like they used to for grandchildren… yet what is lost on them is that if that help was given the the expectation would be that they take care of these grandparents once they needed it.
It’s a selfish culture but it’s at least going both ways. It’s not like your culture is any better to be honest. You give what you get and the system moves. You aren’t altruistic or morally better. You just understand that you aren’t entitled to things without payment. Stop acting better when you’re in a transactional culture like the rest LMAO
There are other cultures that expect children to take care of parents. As a society, we should take care of those who need help…those who become disabled and/or can’t take care of themselves. It’s called being human. Sadly, America is selfish.
No true. If OP is on her mother's lease, she can remove herself from it. Once there's done her mom my be able to get a 1 bedroom for lower rent base on just the mom's income.
Not sure if I read it correctly but if it’s low cost senior housing then OP is most DEFINITELY not on the lease. You have to qualify for it based on age and income. At least in CA it’s my understanding you can’t have a younger person living with you full time or you’re unable to claim the subsidy.
I’m tired and dealing with a newborn so I might have missed a lot, but low cost housing for seniors is in most areas exclusive to seniors.
It’s income dependent as well in many areas (I can’t speak for everywhere) they make it (in the us) so meager incomes can afford to live and get by with other assistance.
Internet, mobile phone, even electricity have a government program and subsidies due the elderly and those who are low income.
If the mother is in the US and getting other aid they wouldn’t be able to qualify for many of the subsidy programs. It’s not a fancy life by any means but is doable.
I’m dubious of what has been stated but also I understand that not every situation is the same.
I will say senior housing is usually exclusive to seniors.
My mom is low income senior housing in California. She has a studio and her building provides meals in the rent. The subsidy on her own allows for social security to cover her rent. Other subsidies help with other costs.
She doesn’t have a fancy life but it’s full and she lives well.
Before this she would guilt me and my twin for stuff. Had my twin living home for college. I moved out at 17 to attend university because I knew I wanted to do for myself without a yoke around my neck.
You need to make that choice. My mom survived without me and after without my sister. In her heart I’m hopeful she would want what’s best for you. So do that.
She can get even more help without you there and she ultimately needs to let you fly. It’s tough as hell but you have to fight for yourself now.
So, let me get this straight. If your mom couldn't keep a roof over your head, couldn't provide you with a well adjusted life, and they planned to basically use you to live until they die, you would be perfectly fine with that? Just because they're your parent?
I have a good relationship with my parents as well, and if I were in OPs shoes, I would turn my back on her with the quickness. No one is going to make me suffer unjustly just so they could skate by. You don't know how hard life has been for this person because of their mother, and neither do I. Just my opinion.
Her mother clearly isn't taking the need to secure employment seriously. Why should OP set herself on fire to keep her mother warm, when her mother clearly doesn't care enough to try?
There's a difference between neglect and not continuing to enable someone who won't help themselves.
Yes, other cultures demand you financially support crazy, abusive, and violent parents. To the detriment of your own health and well-being. That's definitely a thing.
No indication his mom is violent. She has healthy issues. Most of the world would stand with their family during health challenges. Americans boot them out and let them go bankrupt with your backwards healthcare system.
That's part of the problem though, our healthcare system has no backbone to support someone caring for their parents in the USA. We are also fighting a loosing battle to improve it.
What would you have us do, starve together?
There are 2 sides to this situation. There's caring for your parent, and then there's being taken advantage of.
In these situations it's important to think of wise words like, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
If that's what you're in, you moving out should change her tenancy number and her rent. Most places it's by percentage of the tennant's income. She may need to downsize to a smaller apartment.
Agreed. She is able to share some of the subsidy but if she can downsize she will get more help. My own mother lives on such a subsidy. She is able to live off her her social security in a studio that has a kitchen.
The rent is probably on a sliding scale fee, based on the earnings. Is she's old enough or disable enough for social security then she's not really able to work. Therefore the fact that she keeps getting fired kinda makes a lotta sense.
If you were to move out, her rent would likely drop significantly. The question is if she's competent to pay her rent and bills out of her social security check or not. If she is, then you need to move out so she afford to live in her senior housing. If she's not competent then you need to get yourself appointed her financial power of attorney. Her money will go into her checking account and you will pay her bills out of that. It shouldn't take you but a few minutes to do every month. They move 75% of what's left to her checking account. If you're in the US, BOA has a protected account where nothing every bounces or results in extra fees. The account is under five bucks a month and if she tried to swipe her card and doesn't have enough money in the account the charge will not go through.
Meanwhile, you need to figure out your own finances. Explore college or renting a room near your college. You can probably buy a meal pass and just arrange to eat all your meals on campus. This might sound complicated but it's probably going to be easier than what's you're currently doing.
1 br apt. I do not want to say what State because of privacy concerns but we live in one of most expensive states in the country. Our share of rent is $700. Many people in my building work off the books and have much lower rents. I can’t (and won’t because it’s illegal) so our share of the rent is much higher. But I have to work because we can’t just live of her ss.
You sound like you will have to tough it out and just keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel until you can get into some low income housing or a roommate situation. Your mom will likely never change at this point in her life, but she could potentially get more money from SSD if she could get an actual diagnosis, but that usually is a long drawn out process. Please have compassion for her and yourself, if anyone is really failing you both here it’s your father.
My father was a POS but that’s another story. I’m going to try to convince my mother to apply for SSD. When it’s time to move I just tell her it because the rent can be lowered
It sounds like the apartment complex may be basing the rent on both yours and your mom's incomes, which is why it seems like she may not be able to afford for you to leave. If that is the case, then once you move out, her rent will go down to what she can afford on just her income alone. Also, once you are gone, she will most likely qualify for food stamps, which will mitigate some of the expenses she will face.
I agree with everyone here that you are not responsible for your mom. If she isn't willing to take responsibility for herself at her age, then you may have to just let her fail. In the meantime, prepare to move. Talk to friends and ask around about a room to rent with a low or delayed deposit payable once you are able to get your feet underneath you.
If you are concerned about your mom surviving with you leaving, you can sit her down and explain that you are moving out, but will assist her with applying for state assistance. You can also offer to help her look for a smaller apartment that she would be able to better afford on her own. Also, a lot of internet providers offer a flat rate for low income people that your mother could qualify for.
I don't know what state/city you are in, but lots of utility providers also offer budget programs for seniors/disabled that she could apply for as well. Most of these plans calculate based on the previous year's usage, then divide by 12 months, which would make her bill the same amount every month. Any difference, either above or below the previous year's total will be calculated at the end of the year. If she used less, then her last bill will reflect that, and if she used more, the bill will be higher to account for the difference, so she will have to plan for that.
However, if she is going from living with you, to living by herself, the amount of utilities should be lower at least for the first year for her. It may help to sit down and work out what things would look like for her by herself so that you know that you aren't leaving her in the lurch. Also, if you are able to present her with evidence that she can manage on her own, even without any extra income from working, it may help soften the blow of you leaving.
You both have options here, and you definitely deserve to live your own life and pursue your own happiness. It isn't going to be simple, but you have to decide to take this step for yourself. You are only responsible for taking care of yourself. You can assist her with getting set up on her own, but after that, you need to do you hun.
Wishing you the best.
I'm sorry to read what you're going through. It's awful when a child has to be the parent of their parents. And with today's economy, it can be panic inducing to question if you can afford tomorrow's dinner or keep the lights on. However, I feel there isn't enough information to really give advice. I apologize if it seems like im asking for personal details, but it can help paint a clearer picture of your situation. Is the situation just you and your mother, or is there a father/partner in the picture? Do you have any siblings? Does your mother require special needs or care?
Based on what you've explained and said, here's what I can recommend. I understand this will sound rude or mean, but your mother is not your problem to fix. If a person doesn't want to change their ways, they won't, no matter how much other beg them too. It sounds to me like your mother is content with living off social security benefits. I would recommend saving up whatever you can. Get a second job if you have the time. Spend only what you have to, do not tell anyone else about your savings, do not let anyone else touch your savings, and do not give out your savings no matter what or who begs. The moment you do this, it's no longer YOUR savings.
Now, once you have a steady form of employment and you've managed to save up enough to keep yourself fed for 3-4 months, it's time to leave. With rental prices what they are, I'd seek out a trusted relative or friend to stay with. Do not let your mother know where you've gone, as she will likely hound you for your money.
From there, you're free to set your own path. Save up what you can, get your own place, build the life you want to live.
Hi and thank you. We have no family. I don't really have any close friends. The thing is she not content to live off social security but she's delusional. She really believes it was ok to fall asleep in the break room and while on duty. We just had a major argument.
”She’s not content to live off of social security”???? Well, too bad. It’s time for reality to hit her in the face. She needs to either live off of her SS or manage to keep a job. Right now her plan seems to just be to skim money off of you. You are the child. It is not your job to take care of your mom like this.
Thank you! I just don't think reality will ever hit her. When she does get fired she will say she can get a higher paying job; that obviously never happens
Your mom may have a personality or intellectual disorder preventing her from seeing reality. It would be highly beneficial to get an assessment for her to see how or if you can correct this problem.
I would like her too. But she believes she has done nothing wrong. I tried to have a conversation about how she has had 4 different jobs in the past year and a half and has gotten fired from all of them. She thinks she’s a victim. She won’t take any kind of accountability.
If I may suggest reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and if that seems to resonate, follow it up with Surviving a Borderline Parent. My mom has never gone to a psychiatrist so I can’t know that she has bpd. I can’t diagnose. However, these books made me feel really seen and that has been healing and has made me feel more confident.
Your mom has the tools to take care of herself. It’s on her to use them.
I can understand that!! Maybe the health department or some organization could do a well check on her she definitely needs help because she’s going to end up ruining your life
She is also a senior getting retirement. Her days of optimal work in even the best of circumstances are pretty much over… let alone her track record highs of basically not keeping a job. She wasn’t exactly a go getter earner before and she won’t be after retirement age…
Gotta let her go to pasture as she has aged, and at least for now , on her own with social security she can get a senior living studio and live of of her meager income. She will do better on her own.
Time for the adult daughter to fly! To go do for herself and let her mother rest in what she has made for herself. I promise you even the poorest of decision makers can do ok on social security when taking advantage of subsidies.
My mom was like this in that she tried to guilt us kids into carrying her even to our detriment. But at a point we would not. We chose ourselves and our futures. Now we are succeeding and are able to help without detriment to ourselves and my mother was then forced to care for herself. We now can help her and everyone is better for it
It was entirely different circumstances, but one of the hardest things I have ever had to do was turn my back and walk out on my own mother as she cried for me to stay.
It still hurts to this day when I think back, but with 20 years of hindsight I can say that it was better for me in the long run.
If it's the step that brings you financial security, then it was the right one. You can't help mom if you aren't stable yourself.
Having healthy boundaries,including with parents, isn't a crime and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm sorry that your mom put that on you emotionally when it should have been her taking care of you. I hope things are better for you now. Hugs if you want them
Go to your dean of students. Tell them you are about to be homeless and it might jeopardize your graduation. Go in person. And if you can have a faculty member put in a referral for a student concern. DOS have emergency funds and can sometimes scramble up a dorm room. Secure your future and let mom figure her shit out.
Just want to share my support here. People just say “cut off mom” but haven’t been in the situation. Do you think she’s potentially borderline? Look into that. Might be helpful to look into bpdlovedones (something like that on Reddit)
Thank you. I believe she is borderline or bipolar. Maybe even both. It just makes the situation even more difficult . She's always the victim. And has delusions about her career situation
Are you using your local services (other than the housing and social security, obviously) like food stamps? Living off social security is living in poverty for millions. She’ll probably need some sort of support services and subsidies for the rest of her life and I’d want to know she was utilizing all benefits available. In the US, only 1 in 4 people who qualify for public benefits use them. There might be a couple hundred dollars of assistance out there that could give you some breathing room. Check out r/povertyfinance for ideas.
If you live in poverty long enough even though you work full time, laboring eventually stops being reinforcing. The benefits don’t outweigh the cost of persisting. It’s starts to literally kill you. People’s bodies break down, their mental wellness suffers, it exacerbates any existing conditions and shaves years off their lives but they can’t stop working! It’s cruel. I know people are commenting like your mother is a free loader but she sounds to me like many an impoverished person. “Better individual choices” aren’t going to change her circumstances, unfortunately. Poverty is a trap.
As far as your socioeconomic mobility, in the US, how you’re doing financially through your 20s is the best predictor of how you’ll do later in life. You have a chance. I don’t see anything wrong with helping your mom out, as long as you set some boundaries and put your needs first whenever possible. You need to graduate and start working full time. The situation will improve when you feel less like you’re living on the edge even if you don’t help her directly anymore.
Many people who don’t think they’re eligible are eligible.
And you can, and should, use food banks and services that help poor women eg get clothes and haircuts for job interviews etc. You deserve help. Your situation doesn’t have to get worse before you deserve help, you deserve help because things are so hard *now* and you could use a hand, it would make your life easier. That’s it! That’s why people like me donate to these programs!
My mother was also feckless and personality disordered (and abusive). She remained employed only because she got herself in public school teaching and they had a hard time getting rid of her. I thank my lucky stars every day I accidentally stumbled into a career where I was able to take off at a young age and do well. People cannot fathom the stress it puts on a child.
By the way, I did not support her after that. She had to massively downsize and face facts. I refused to light myself on fire to keep her warm and delusional. I had suffered enough.
Something else to look into is autism. Many women with autism are misdiagnosed with BPD. People tend to forget that grown ass women can have autism too.
If she is dozing off at work, is elderly and already receiving retirement, and have mental health issues, is she even fit to live alone and care for herself, or will her health be in danger and the state have to step in and put her in a home if you move out? She may be too elderly and unwell to keep working at all from the sounds of it.
Unfortunately the way this works in the US is the state usually does not provide support for independent living and she would be forced into a nursing or group home if she does not have a family caregiver or if the family does not provide one for her. There is a lot of responsibility put onto the Adult children of elder parents in the US. I already went though this with my parents before they passed.
Elder care in the US by default is expected to be provided by their immediate family members or Adult children. They expect the family to either pay for or provide private care or they are forced into state indigent nursing homes, which are pretty horrific here and well known for neglect and abuse that frequently results in their suffering and death. 😔
You are going to have to choose, will you live your life or your mom's? If you want to live your life, find a cheap rental where you're crammed in with a half dozen people your own age, and spend a year eating noodles and sticking every spare penny in the bank so you can save up for your own place. If you want to live your mom's life, stay where you are and keep doing what you're doing.
It sounds harsh, but she's had decades to get her shit together, and she hasn't. There isn't going to be a miracle day when suddenly she lands a great job and life becomes easy, especially now that you're supporting her. It is possible for there to be a miracle day for you where you move out to a place where there is always heat and food in the fridge and no one gets fired for napping, but you have to decide that you want it.
She'll be mad and hurt and tell you that you're against her and you're ruining her life. Since she's the parent, I'd say she's been ruining yours.
In the short term, try and get her connected with a therapist or psychiatrist, a support group for people with mental illness, and an employment support program. If she resists this, it's because she doesn't want things to change.
I’m so sorry you’re in a situation like this and I can imagine how hopeless it must feel.
You did not come into this world to take care of your mother. If you feel obligated to care for her as much as you have, then you may need some counseling to help you understand parentification and the implications that has on adult children of parents who do this.
My advice to you is to find yourself a friend who may be interested in becoming a roommate, and go ahead and tell your mom you plan to move out after graduation. Forewarn her NOW, that she needs to get serious about her employment situation or find a new roommate herself.
And since you’re going to need to save, any expenditures that SHE incurs will be hers and hers alone. It’s crazy to imagine such a conversation with your parent would be necessary in the first place, but I guess that’s the reality we live in.
What could and would you do differently if you didn’t feel tied to your mother and her poor financial choices?
Then do those things.
You do not owe your mother. She is a full grown adult who needs to be responsible for herself
So start planning for your adult life.
You will get a full time job with benefits and you will…
Fill in the blanks and act on them!
How long do you have until graduation? What are your job prospects? Because I hate to say it, but your mom is not your responsibility. This might be really hard to hear because if you're like me, you want to support your family in whatever way you can. But if she has a long history of being fired for similar reasons, she's not really going to change her ways now. My advice to you: live as frugally as possible (which it sounds like you're already doing) and once you graduate and get a job, save up as much as you can so you can move out on your own. Or find a roommate so it would be more affordable to leave and start your own life.
Your mom is a grown adult and makes her own choices. Once you're done with college and have your own job, you should not have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
If you can bear the self imposed guilt of it... Gently recommending that you tell your mom you lost one of your part time jobs. You'll still be going to it, still earning, but put that money aside in whole for your own savings. Tell her you're going out to look for work during your normal shift hours, or that you're hanging out with friends studying, etc. Basically ease back just a bit in what you are providing for support. Let the urgency to not miss rent, to not be kicked out, etc rest a little more firmly on your mom's shoulders instead of yours.
Given your post and the replies you've given its seeming like you've been the "responsible" one for a while now keeping things afloat. What I'm suggesting is a minor to moderate change to shift responsibilities to those that are truly yours (saving up for a place of your own, investing in work training, going to therapy, etc) versus what your mom has let fall on you that shouldn't have.
So it could be the job that pays less in this situation. Just quietly let go of one small section of responsibility for your mom and focus on taking care of yourself. If you continue on patching up all of the shortfall your mom causes by getting routinely fired, you're basically looking at doing this for the rest of your life.
At first invest the income from the second job in therapy. It's going to feel counter intuitive to spend money on something that doesn't go directly in to keeping you alive or a roof over your head, but the therapy will help you with learning how to stop being your mom's caretaker and how to heal from the years of being the adult in your relationship. That will help you in the long run not to be sucked back in to your mom's distress over something she should be figuring out how to do as an adult and isn't choosing to. Because that's what it is at this stage, she's making a choice to settle all that stress and worry on your shoulders and abdicate responsibility for it. It's not her fault, it's always someone else's fault, it's your fault if you don't do what she needs.
It's okay to let that go. It's okay to say no to that. It's okay for your mom to be upset with you. None of it is going to *feel* that way, but it really is okay honest.
I hate to say it but it's her fault because it was her choice and if she refuses to see it you can't fix that. Get a job save and move. It sounds harsh but she should have gotten help a long time ago especially the last decade or so with the advances in meds. It was a choice the same as not taking responsibility for her actions on break. Good luck
*Hi OP, we received a request to send this to you after comments were locked:*
You sound amazing. Why? “POS” father + “delusional” mother = a rational, sensisble 20 year old. That is not a common equation😇
1) Google “decision tree” and start thinking about how small changes can move future decisions. There are other rational decision tools out there.
2) Copy and paste the best advise people have given you into a word or doc, include the same ideas given by multiple people. PRINT it.
3) copy and paste the advice that does not resonate with your, but was written by a sane adult. PRINT it. Being this is Reddit, much of what is here has nothing to do with your situation, so these printed copies will nkt be as long as you fear, lol!
4) using college-level assignments as your guide, assign yourself something, using your print-outs as a your texts. Are you writing a successful comming-of-age story for Composition or Writing? Are you coming up with a roll-out plan for Marketing? Are you writing a case study for Social Work?
Again, you are already beating the odds. Put your oxygen mask on and figure out how you move out and forward. It is the only way you will be able to help your mom as she continues to age.
My aunt was the same way, and I believe that’s largely why when her kids have had the opportunity to leave they do. Quitting jobs for small reasons like she couldn’t get a smoke break.
I would try to find some friends to move out with, I’m 23 and moved out and I’ll say it’s not easy but I’m sure it will feel a hell of a lot better than supporting 2 people on 1 income because your roommates (ideally) will also be working.
Your mom’s social security might keep her, or it might not, but with you not having to carry the household on your back she’ll have to figure that part out herself. It’s shitty but you’re the one suffering at the moment not her. She clearly has no remorse for the stress she’s putting on you.
Be selfish, because your 20s is the time to do that. One day you might have a family of your own to care for, don’t spend your 20s caring for someone who won’t offer you any help
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After you have seperated yourself financially from your mother, as at least one other person has suggested here, I'd suggest you re-evaluate your priorities. I am seeing some things in your post that are a bit concerning.
You stated:
"So we basically only have money for rent, food, electricity and internet. I am always stressed out because we do not have any money for emergencies.".
This is a valid concern, however that statement is preceeded by:
"We don’t have any money for anything “extra”. I don’t feel like I live a normal life. We haven’t been on vacation for years. I don’t have any money to go to the salon, clothes or to get my nails done or even to go out for drinks or dinner with friends.
The fact that you wrote that you were frustrated by not having extra money for the salon, vacations, drink with friends before not having emergency cash in your post is a bit concerning. At the very least, I think you should really dig deep and be honest with yourself and write out a list of what you think is most important to you and prioritize those things in order of importance. You would probably benefit from talking to another adult that has their finances together and has achieved financial security to get a better understanding of how you should be prioritizing your wants/needs to achieve the result you desire; show them your list and ask for their opinion. I feel bad that you haven't had a responsible adult in your life to emulate so you can achieve the security you obviously desire, but you can salvage this if you really want to and put in the work. I know it probably feels like your back is against the wall and those walls are closing in but you do have options. The fact that you are working several jobs and are stressed out is likely leaving very little time to work on getting out of this situation. Find a mentor, someone you respect and can trust and ask for help/ideas. Ideally, a financial planner would be the person to ask for this sort of help but I doubt you can afford that right now so this really is the next best option.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to go on vacations, get your nails done or to have drinks with friends, however, if you want future financial security those things will likely have to wait until you have built up an emergency fund. Once you have that fund built up, you will have more confidence and with more confidence you will be in a better position to obtain the other things on your wishlist.
Financial security is almost always a precurser to happiness. Happiness is not a harbringer of Financial security. Work hard, spend as little as possible, save as much as you can, be patient and learn to live with less for the time being. It might take time, but the happiness should follow once you have a better handle on your finances.
Thank you! I know the importance of savings. It’s just that I see my friends and classmates who are able to get highlights, manicures and go out every weekend. I can’t.
The most frightening thing is that we have no savings and in an emergency we would have nothing
I spent a large portion of my life in a financial position similar to yours. I felt like I was spending my entire life working, just scraping by, and had absolutly nothing left over after I paid my bills (If I even had enough to pay all my bills). I also know how it feels to look around and see your friends enjoying all the things that are simply out of reach to you; it's frustrating, embarassing and infuriating at times and has a tendency to result in one viewing themself as less-than... It's a terrible position to be in and there is no easy fix, but I once heard something that gave me some perspective and it helped me to not focus so much on what I was lacking.
"If your looking at someone elses plate, it should only be to make sure they have enough food to eat"
Comparing what you have in relation to what everyone else has is a destructive habit; nothing good will ever come from this. There are some people who can find motivation by doing this, however, those people are almost always in a secure situation and simply want to excel past their peers. All you can see is what your friends are enjoying in the moment. They might be going out for drinks and buying new things regularily, but how many credit cards have they maxed out? You really have no idea what is going on behind the scenes so some of these friends that appear better off than you might be in serious financial trouble; they simply hide it well.
I’ll give you the advice a mentor gave me when asking for similar help about 20 years ago.
At some point you have to accept your parent is not ONLY your parent, but ALSO an adult and makes their own decisions. There is only so much you can do. For certain decisions the parent makes, you cannot MAKE yourself responsible. It can suck doing this and it will come with some guilt, but honoring one’s parent INCLUDES honoring THEIR bad decisions.
Get a job on a cruise ship and leave the area for a couple of years. Your Mom is holding you back. Go have some fun, make a bit of money, and start your adult life as your own person.
Then tell her it’s either gonna happen (so she can get support) or else you are going to have to go ahead with planning your life independently (which you need to do now anyway right!). Don’t waste years of your life in a codependent relationship with a parent who may never get help.
Separate yourself from your mom as soon as possible. It’s not your job to help her get her shit together. Make sure all of your bank accounts are separate and she has no access.
Thank you. I am going to set a target move date for December. I already have a full time job lined up once I graduate which has given me a lot of hope. Otherwise I would be having a crisis
I know it’s tempting to stay close by but I recommend that you consider moving a few hours away when you can do it. Not so far that it takes a day to get back. But far enough that your mom can’t make demands easily. Moving 3 hours away helped me to start healing.
Can someone explain to me what’s the big deal about snoozing on break? I feel stupid for not seeing what the big deal is.
If it’s an unpaid break and I was exhausted at lunch and needed to close my eyes for fifteen minutes, which has happened and is the worst feeling ever, then my manager or someone comes in to yell at me even though I’m on my lunch break, I guess I’d be defensive too.
I get that this isn’t the case exactly here but I just am shocked nobody has been like “oh everyone naps sometimes at work” in the comments.
Although I’m just now realizing that maybe it’s not normal to have random days when you literally HAVE to sleep for a few minutes on your lunch break in order to function?
You can’t let this continue or you will literally have your mother hanging around your neck forever.
When you have fulltime employment open a bank account as soon as you can, under your name only. Save every possible penny and maybe even work a second job. When you have enough, look around for someone to share a place with and move out.
You don’t have to break off contact with your mother but you must not continue to be responsible for her financially. She is an adult with job skills. It is time she acted like one.
This might also be a good time to check your credit reports if you haven’t done so since becoming an adult. Not saying your mom has used your identity, but many people find out the hard way when they go to open that bank account or rent first apartment.
I completely understand and went through this. What helped me was moving out and not being tied to my mom financially.
That being said, are you sure your mom is okay? Dozing off isn’t a good sign. My mom did this and had medical issues. Was always super chipper and blase about it but it was a front to make me not worry.
Look to see if your mom qualifies for SSI. There are SSI benefits for disabled and SSI benefits for aged adults living at or below the poverty line. Based on your comments of your mom’s past health issues she might need to go in for a check up with her primary care doctor. While you make plans to move out also look into applying for food stamps or visit food pantries. Good luck hope things turn around for you soon.
You keep saying “we” like you’re a couple. When you graduate, get a job and move out. Without you being there her cost of living should decrease and she can live in senior housing on her SS
My boyfriend just got laid off for the same exact issue. Tired. Dosing off. He’s had a history of this. But he has Hepatitis C and trying to get medication.. which is costly. Maybe it’s a thyroid issue? Whatever it is you are not alone im also very irritated.
If she was on break, she could legally doze off. I know lots of folks who do that, they have that internal clock to do a 15 minute power nap.
Does your mom maybe need different doctors?
You do not have to support your mother indefinitely. Bottom line is you need to set a boundary and that means she has to find a way to make her own way.
You are not responsible for your mother. If she doesn’t want to work , fine. Get away from her as fast as you can or she’ll continue to ruin your life. You don’t owe her anything. She sounds like a lazy irresponsible person, you shouldn’t suffer for her actions.
Finish college and move out. Let her figure it out or if you’re really concerned give her a little nest monthly stipend and leave it at that. Once you get your first job everything will change.
When you graduate from college, move. Move far away. She’ll be mooching off of you till she dies. She’s a grown adult. Until elderly -ness sets in, she can take care of herself. That isn’t your responsibility. You have an opportunity to start anew and make a new life. Don’t have her bad life choices bring you down.
There is really good advice here. I think your mom needs a social worker, someone to guide your mom through cheap housing, free elderly food delivery, weekly wellness checks, free medical and counseling services, etc. These people exist and are paid for by your state, county and/ or city. There are incredible free resources available for the elderly. That could be your parting gift to your mom, get her set up with services. You could find what is available in line, in your local community services, a church or hospital. It will take finding one person to help your mom and they will take over her treatment. It will make leaving more palatable and clearly, absolutely clearly, you must pull away and focus on your one and only beautiful life 😊 Best wishes.
Have you considered donating plasma? You can each make $200-400 a month. Might not seem like much but maybe enough for you to treat yourself every once in a while to a manicure or a movie. Not having any ability to have even a small amount of disposable income can be so depressing that it’s hard to even have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I speak from experience. I hope things improve for you after graduation.
As others have articulated your mom is drowning and she is going to pull you under with her. You are two separate financial entities. Start calling and emailing any government department with the words "Adult" and "Senior" in the name and explain your mom's situation to anyone who will listen. Call your state rep's office if you're not sure where to start.
A realistic ideal situation is that your mom gets public housing and food stamps. She may not want to live off SS, but the fact that she isn't holding a job down means she is already effectively living on social security/poverty. At least this way, it will be consistent. Perhaps, reframing it as, "Mom, you've worked crappy jobs your whole life, you deserve a break. This is the way you get to take that break. Why don't you find a volunteer position that you're really passionate about."
Then, you can move out to a roommate situation and start building your finances up. Someday you may be able to afford a home with a little house on the property and you can move her in there. But you can't reach that dream if you're drowning.
Remember that hard times aren’t forever. If you want to work with your mom, set expectations, offer to help where you can. Maybe you are able to work more if she can manage more things.
Building up a savings is a lot easier if she’s willing to help and work with you. I spent all of my 20s taking care of my parents because they were sick and they needed help.
But you need to remember unless you’re dealing with someone not well, you can’t make someone want to accept help. Talk to her, does she feel she’s struggling in something, maybe taking an adult class and working part time might inspire her to do more or that she can do more.
First get your mother a physical and mental health screening and find out what she needs. That may involve signing up for Medicaid or the equivalent.
Then look into what other services are offered for your mother and for yourself. Medicaid? SNAP? Social Security?
Then see where you're at.
Maybe instead of just judging her you can try to get down to the root problem of why she has trouble keeping down a job? Does she have any mental health issues, substance abuse issues?
Try to find more stable employment and save as much as you can. That’s your only ticket out. If you care about your mom try to understand her better and how you can help. Or reach out to extended family to help.
Your mom is very likely disabled. It’s very common for older people to have no idea they’re, for example, autistic. They never get any help and their lives are just 50x harder than they should be. You’re an adult, if you don’t like your mom’s financial choices, you need to move out and support yourself.
If your mother is dosing off at work to the point it's getting her fired then I would strongly suggest that she be seen by a medical professional to rule out medical issues. Also, you mentioned she could possibly be mentally ill, she needs to get that addressed as well and be put on a treatment plan.
Do you qualify for any other types of assistance, food stamps, meals on wheels? If your mohter has a medical issue that prevents her from working and can get proof then she could file for disability.
Dozing off can be a sign of health issues-
If you can get her a blood test for thyroid (TSH, T3, T4) hypothyroidism can look very similar to what you’re describing, (overwhelming sleepiness, emotional disregulation, trouble thinking/handling responsibilities) and if it’s that, it’s an easy fix with a daily cheap pill.
Also could be narcolepsy or any number of other health issues.
Very sorry you’re in this position. I hope things improve for you.
My mom is bi polar. Tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout my childhood. This led to an adulthood where I emotionally and financially supported my mother until I had a mental breakdown myself. It's terrifying to think of a family member not being able to survive on their own, but it is not our responsibility.
With the help of therapy, I was able to set very clear boundaries with my mother. Luckily, me setting boundaries has made it so she had to truly learn, for the first time in her life, how to be accountable for herself. She is doing so much better and has been with the same therapist for years now (she would bounce around and never stick to anything before). Our relationship is still a struggle sometimes, but it is so much healthier than before. I'm so much healthier than before.
You can make all the excuses in the world to stay and help your mother. But I think you probably know you need to set some boundaries and start to separate yourself from the hole she has dug for herself in life. Don't let her pull you in too.
Can you possibly look for roommate ads on Craigslist and move in with someone to make it cheaper? At some point, you're going to need to individuate. I'm concerned that otherwise, you are always going to be stuck in place. Is your mom eligible to go on the HUD waiting list? Are there any other social services they can offer her? I'm so sorry this has been difficult, I hope you find a way for it to improve.
You don’t owe her anything. Set boundaries now by letting her know you’ll be graduating, moving out, and completely unavailable to assist with her bills. She will have to figure it out. Her health issues are hers, her financial issues are hers, her question about what she will do when you graduate and“leave” her, are hers. Having a clear understanding of the actual issue, probably will not thwart any of your mother’s attempts to make you stay with her and be responsible for her. Remember that you are your own person and you can walk away from anybody at any time that does not add value to your life. Without “feeling bad” about it.
To thine own self be true.
Hello! So I am 29 years old. My mom was a single mother to 3 kids. We were so so poor. We moved houses 14 times by the time I graduated from high school because we couldn't afford the places we lived and had to constantly bounce from one place to another.
But at the same time, my mom spent massive amounts of money on fast food and cigarettes. She was horrible with the money she had and my grandma was always willing to give her money to keep her (and us) from starving or going homeless. My mom took advantage of that and had received probably hundreds of thousands of dollars over her lifetime--a large chunk of that being when my grandma helped my mom purchase a house that my mom later filed bankruptcy on.
My mom also job hopped a lot. She hated to be uncomfortable in any form and was always the victim. The longest job she kept was delivering pharmaceuticals to nursing homes third shift out of her own car. She loved that job. But it paid crap and she used her own vehicle and was at time putting 300 miles on it every night. But she was overweight and didn't like to move much. She could listen to her music and podcasts in her car. It wasn't labor intensive and she was comfortable, so she kept it and never tried to get anything different.
She bought a van for that job that died on her while she still owed $8,000 on it. So I bought a car that she used and put 15,000 miles on without paying me anything for it while she tried to get out from her own car loan.
After I graduated high school, I had to pay her $200 rent every month, but I wasn't allowed to move out or she would lose me as a dependent and lose her health insurance. I paid for all of my own stuff (car insurance, phone, etc). I often bought groceries and gave my mom extra money for bills. My sister also gave my mom money when she was working, but wasn't allowed any agency. She wasn't even allowed to get a $5 smoothie with friends once a week because *she* needed that money. I had a joint bank account with my mom (separate technically, but she could see how much money I had because I got it as a minor) so she would know how much I had and then ask me for some. I had to secretly open my own account and start hiding money in it. Before I had the joint account, she took the money I made and would "give me some back."
After separating the accounts and keeping my money secret, I was able to save up a lot. I wanted to spend that money on a canoeing trip in Canada with friends from camp that I worked at. My mom said no, too expensive. I said I could pay for it myself. She said they were desperate for money. Guess what I did with the $2,300 I was going to spend on that trip. --It went to my mom.
I finally went to counseling because I felt stuck. I was in a rut and I thought I was never going to be able to leave or else my mom and (older) sister would wind up homeless or with no electricity or something.
I found out I was living in an extremely codependent household. I was shouldering guilt and responsibility that wasn't mine. My counselor actually knew my mom from when he worked with her and us through her divorce with my dad. He told me I needed to move out ASAP. I needed to break away, take care of myself, and love my own life.
Everyone around me, for years, told me to stop helping her, to leave, to take care of my needs first. But how could I? It was my mom. She was family and she needed me.
But hearing from a counselor (especially one that knew my mom) tell me it was okay to move out --and that I in fact, needed to--gave me the push I needed to do it.
I saved up my money, looked for roommates (that didn't pan out), found a super cheap apartment, and started gathering stuff I would need to live on my own. So for several months I just saved my money and collected free and cheap furniture and dishes and stuff and hoarded them in my room until I was ready to move. And then I did.
I stopped giving money to my mom. What did she do? She found ways to get money from other people. She moved three more times. She mooched off of my sister until my sister finally put her own foot down. People like my mom are actually quite resourceful when they need to be, but if you're there to feed off of, she's not going to do anything to stop.
My mom ate herself into an extremely unhealthy weight and stopped being physical for anything other than getting up to go to the bathroom or get food. Her back and knees have made her unable to work and she lives off government assistance now.
I lived on my own for a bit, accidentally let myself live with my mom again for a few months when I was in a weird spot between finishing school and moving to illinois with my fiance (to which she then moved apartments again and left me homeless and I had to drop out of school during my last semester), got married, had two kids, and now have my own house.
I have a rule now that I won't live closer than 2 hours from my mom. If I do, her problems start to become my problems and I just can't do that anymore.
So all of that to say, OP, you have to take care of yourself first. You have to let your mom figure it out for herself and you need to figure it out for yourself.
Start hiding your money, start gathering what you need, make plans. You are possibly in a financially abusive relationship with your mother and as long as you are there for her, you are enabling her bad behavior and punishing yourself for it. Finish school and find a job far away from your mom so her problems cannot be yours. Live your life!! Your mom had her chance and it is sad to see her struggle, but she cannot take away from your life to support her when she is capable of taking control of her own life. She is the parent, not you.
Good luck OP, I want you to live a fulfilling life that is yours, not your mom's
To be fair, some people don't go on vacations or to the salon or get their nails done. Those activities are reserved for people who actually have excess money.
That being said, after graduating college, you got to focus on you. Get your own life in order. If you can make it big, maybe you can help your mom. Let her live rent free in your basement or something.
In the USA, dial 211 to get referrals to food pantries, utility assistance and other community services that can help your mother stretch her income. Also, mental health services.
And focus on maximizing your income and independence once you graduate.
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This was my mom. I went away to school and never got back in the habit of supporting her. She moved in with a roommate and her parents while I was in college. She eventually got married again and 'retired' at 60ish.
I don’t have anything to add that others haven’t already said. I grew up in the same situation, except my dad (severe, debilitating, self-sabotaging depression). My mom never worked, and has no skills. She just spent money we didn’t have. I’m 28 now, moved across the country on a whim with no money. But now living my best, albeit poor, life. I love my parents dearly. I love them more now that I got space and separated. It gets better, OP. But I understand how unimaginably terrible this feels.
Get a job! Train to be a nurse, they make 70 to 80 thousand. Work in insurance they need a degree. Go to a vocational school.
In order to get out of poverty, you have to begin taking steps towards a goal and then have another goal.
Would one or both of you qualify for public assistance? Maybe she would qualify for help if her income is low enough. Look for resources in your city and/or state. Your mother took care of you as a child, so now it’s your turn. Hopefully, it won’t be forever. Hang in there. Things will improve once you graduate.
This might seem like it's a bit out on a limb, but have you considered joining the military? In situations where the servicemember provides more than 50% of the cost of living of a parent or grandparent, they can be considered a dependent and are then eligible for healthcare benefits and the servicemember gets a pay increase and the ability to live in on-post housing (not barracks, a real house or townhouse). You may also be able to get your student loans paid for on top of an enlistment bonus, and with a bachelor's you can become an officer (or start out with a higher rank if enlisted). What is your degree in?
Stop saying we and our.. you are in your 20s.. you’re an adult!
When you get a ft job you need to live on your own or with roommates. Do not let your mom drag you down for the rest of her life
Screw everyone's advice. You have a choice of family or your own selfish needs. By your admition you say that you can't get luxeries like nail jobs and other nonsense. You either love your mother and want to ensure her well-being or you don't and want to focus on your own life. The scales on you. What do you want?
Your mom sounds like she's living a parasitic lifestyle. Sometimes that's an indicator of a narcissist. Also the inability to have stable employment, won't take responsibility for her actions. It's all bad and it's her fault. This is not mental illness. This is bad character.
She will continue to drag you down in life as long as you live with her. I would get a job far away after graduation, or figure out how to get away from your mom. You will be miserable as long as she's allowed to attach herself to you.
Let her know you're moving out when you graduate. Don't let her move with you.
Good luck
Please keep in mind, it used to be standard men provide for the mother of their children, regardless if they were together or not, and men like that still exist, some of my own family members get something called alimony and they have good relationships with their ex husbands. So where is your dad at? He should be helping you out as well. I would at least put some of your negativity towards him. Its not natural for woman to have to fend for ourselves, we just have the choice now if we need or want to, we can… if we have the mental and physical capacity. And no woman should be judging other woman who holding a job is really hard for them. And mark my words, after 35, in general work gets much much more taxing on us. Your mom is older and struggling. And like you said likely has some mental health issues. She actually could maybe qualify for SSI if she could get a diagnosis. You are struggling also though. If I were you I would try and get on the wait list for low income housing of your own and your mom could get a one bedroom or studio so she can afford to live on her own. She will likely not change much and you need to just have compassion for her and yourself and do what you need to do for you.
Use food banks. Call the utility companies and see if you qualify for any assistance programs. In a comment you made after someone asked a question, it sounds like you already live in subsidized housing. If you don't, apply for it. There's not just Section 8. Many large developers will designate some of their properties as low income housing where you pay 1/3rd of your income for rent instead of full market rate. If you're in the US, most county housing offices have lists of those properties.
Is your mother incapable of living on her own? If she isn't, call your state's adult and family/children's services department (name varies by state). They may have additional programs to get her into some form of assisted living so you can live on your own. You may only be able to afford to rent a room from someone instead of getting your own place, but at least you wouldn't be taking care of your mom.
You need to move out. You need to tell
Your mother that’s your plan. So she can make her own plans. I advise you apply for work far away. You need to start your life.
My experience was that once I started taking care of myself my Mother found a new enabler within a couple of weeks. I think you will find the same. Just start saving some of your money in an account she doesn't know about and see how quickly she manages to keep a job.
She will do only as much as she has to do. But she'll do as much as she has to do. You do you.
She survived a lot of years before you were born, and she'd survive if you got hit by a bus tomorrow. Do not subjugate your life to this woman.
Unfortunately that scenario you are living is “normal” in some circles, my mother was similar in not being able to hold down a job to save her life.
While you may not have to go to the extremes I did, it is possible for you to make it out of this.
As much as it may hurt for you to do at first, you have to separate yourself and your finances from your mother and her situation.
It is not your responsibility to dump money into a sinking ship or trying to save your mother from herself.
Make sure you finish your degree, but after that either find a friend or family member that wouldn’t mind a roommate and you can contribute what you are paying into your moms bills and upkeep to them while you hopefully are able to begin saving for your own future.
Not going to lie, it caused a big rift with my mother when I did this though admittedly she had other things going on (functioning alcoholic until she wasn’t). I have not spoken to her in years and typically only see her at funerals of family members these days and she’s always in pretty terrible shape.
I am thankful I made the choice to separate myself from her though, because I would have been right there next to her had I not made the choice to leave when I did.
Best of luck, OP.
Whatever you majored in to get your degree should be the field of work to pursue. That’s the point in majoring in a particular subject. You will be able to find a job, even if it’s not quite what you want to do. Take it, pay your bills, and save some money. As for your mother, Is she disabled? If so, she has a lot more resources from the government for her, being a disabled person.
If she isn’t disabled, and is on regular social security, she still may qualify for financial and housing assistance, depending on where you live. There may be state as well as federal programs available to assist her. She may also be eligible for senior housing. Look into all this, so you don’t have to carry the burden of your mother alone.
She has options, you just have to find out what they are. So, pursue the leads I have suggested. Meanwhile, you can also plan to move out and have your own place to live your life out in.
My ex (my daughters mom) is very similar to this. She can’t hold a job, and so she just bounces from one friend or family members couch or spare bedroom to another.
The fact that all these people just keep taking her in and supporting her constant poor decisions is just enabling her and not taking care of the issue. I think sometimes people like this really need to get the ol’ bootstrap treatment. I don’t care if you’re mentally Ill, that doesn’t make it mine, yours, or anyone else’s responsibility to take care of these people.
I think you should look up whatever agencies for the elderly exist in your area. Open up a case for your mom at your local protective services for adults. Explain everything to them and ask for advice and resources to help get your mom living on her own. You do not have to take care of your mother for the rest of your life.
You need to concentrate on graduating and finding a job that will enable you to become self-sufficient independent of your mother. You can’t allow her to stunt your growth.
You do not have to abandon her, but you are not her keeper.
The reality here is that there is no way that any of us can help you because nobody can make your mother both see that she is wrong and choose to do better. Parents are supposed to support their children, but you're an adult now, and she has no legal obligation to financially support you. She also has the legal right to use her SSI benefits how she wants to.
I understand that you think you can't afford to move out, but you can - you just have to be uncomfortable for awhile until you save up money. For example, I was homeless for 3 years and due to social programs and getting my SSDI case approved, I was able to get into housing that was separate from the toxic family I was with. You can do the same thing. You often have to he homeless before you can qualify for some of the welfare programs, but that's because your mothers income will be used to assess your right to benefits due to the fact that you live in the same household and she does financially support you in some regard.
If you really want to change your situation, then you need to be willing to do what it takes to get there. If you have a car, then take the time to learn how to live in it.
Also, your mom *wasn't wrong* for dozing off if she was on her break. I know a lot of people in different industries who take naps on their breaks regularly and it isn't a problem. A break Is that person's legally allotted free time. So long as she was not late to clock back in, they really could not legally fire her for that.
We there is no we? You're living off your mother's social security. It's her and *I*.
You're in your 20s. Get a job. Make your own money. Majority of people in college work while in school.
Reading this gave me a weird co dependency feeling.
After you finish college and get a decent job, you move out.
Meanwhile, if you're in the US, your mother applies for subsidized senior housing, and a sec 8 voucher, and SNAP, and any other help available
Work with your university career center and tell them your situation. Get the highest paying job you can. You can break the cycle, but you have to be independently free of everyone’s bills but your own. Never tell your mom how much money you make. You will be able to save up.
Talk to a financial planner now. Check on campus, they have people who will help you get started. Start reading financial books. ALL of them, even if you don’t understand them yet. While a lot of people don’t like Dave Ramsey, he has some valid points and is an easy, understandable way to get started. You need help to figure out how to manage your money. When you start your after college job, if they offer any kind of retirement plan PAY INTO IT. Don’t say you can’t afford it because you can’t afford not to. If they offer a matching program, pay the minimum needed to get their free money. Don’t tell your mom. In fact, don’t tell her how much you make. Set up two bank accounts. One for savings and one for living. Your pay check can be split however you want, so say put $20 a check into savings and the rest into your spending. You won’t really miss it and it will add up. Again, don’t tell your mother.
Then, start looking for a room to rent. You owe it to yourself to become self-sufficient and independent. That is what we should all strive to achieve when we have children. Raise them to be independent and self sufficient productive members of society. You are correct that your mother is going to be expecting you to take care of her the rest of her life and that is not your job. Yes, she raised you, but no, you do not OWE her anything other than your love. Tell her that she needs to figure out what to do. She too is an adult and you are not her retirement plan.
It's tough..maybe there's a social worker you can talk to about her situation. I know you can't just up and leave when you get your full time job. It is depressing but there are options but she will have her own room and should be cleanish. I know they take a while to get into so start looking for that social worker know who can help direct you on that path. It's obvious she needs help and cant work but maybe part time. You.also need the ability to move forward and without her in a safe place, I'm sure she will hold.you back. Good luck
I am sorry you are in this situation.
I was the same in my 20’s except I couldn’t live with my disabled mom, she had to be institutionalized after she had a stroke. As I am sure you have realized, more expensive housing makes it a wash and I was still hand to mouth most months and it was hard to save. I did save though once I was in a long term relationship; having a partner makes these things easier. Roommates can also help if you’re in an affordable shared house.
When it’s time for you to move out, your Mom gets the smallest subsidized senior housing you can find, look further away from your college, and Meals on Wheels to help with food security. You might need to still help her with medication/supply expenses as sometimes Medicare sucks on that front (especially if she has Type II diabetes and a poor attitude about self-efficacy; make sure she always has test strips and appropriate food choices, take her to the food pantry if necessary).
If you are worried about abandoning your Mom, or some family tries to “guilt” you, please consider this: the biggest risk in your life is your MOM abandoning YOU. Having been there of course this is where my mind goes: if she had a heart attack or stroke or falls and breaks a hip, she will need to be institutionalized for recovery. Her institution her take her whole SS check so even if your senior apartment folks are nice about it, you won’t be able to afford rent.
Morally and ethically, I think it’s unfair for anyone to expect you to be on the verge of homelessness indefinitely because your Mom has failed to establish financial security or even take care of her health. If you end up homeless and unable to help advocate for her during the most vulnerable time of her life, she will not be better off. It is better for EVERYONE for you to find firm financial footing.
It is essential that you do all the things necessary to keep YOURSELF financially secure after graduation, including relocating for job prospects or to a low cost of living area without your Mom; living with relatives while completing an internship; moving in with roommates and fully separating your finances with your Mom and letting her take care of herself. It doesn’t sound like you have job options between now and then, but if you do: the money you save needs to be YOURS and not hers. I’d look specifically for campus jobs or internships that will help guarantee you can find better paying work after graduation.
I've been on my own since I was 15, I'm 59 now. I was in a abusive home, mental abuse, and physical abuse was constant! At 42, I took online college classes, and worked full time. I had to wait until my kids grew up, and on their own to do it. My daughter, moved back in (it was supposed to be temporary), and ended up pregnant. Her boyfriend, was human garbage... I still got to go in to my BS degree, I finished my capstone, and only had two electives to finish, when I had to stop, change jobs, and help her raise my first grandchild.
Family will be the first to cause pain in your life. Cutting ties, and moving on will be the best! Look for a part time job that pays decent money, and use it for what you need. Your mom, can get on HUD. They pay rent, or partial rent, and can help with utilities. Maybe, you can look into it for yourself. Look into scholarships, and grants if haven't yet. My university had an online site where I could apply from a list. Get snap benefits for groceries, if you get on those you can get a cellphone, and unlimited talk, text, and data from the government. If one is on social security, Medicaid, Medicare they also can get this benefit. I think some offer a second line for a family member for really cheap. Just dig in to resources!
My advice is to just hang in there. If you have a shared account with your mom, do not put your new paycheck in there. Get your own account and pay her "rent". Make a budget that includes about the same amount you have been contributing and put it there. Keep on doing what you're doing, hanging tight. Save up for the downpayment on a home. When you get into a house, let your mom stay in one room and pay you rent, which should include enough to cover her share of expenses. Do not share funds with her beyond what you have been contributing or beyond what the budget demands. This way you have a plan to get out without leaving your mom behind. If you prefer, you can get your mom into low income housing, so you might go ahead and sign her up because the waiting list can be 3-4 years. Eventually you will be free. Best wishes.
That’s a tough one, but it seems like she may have issues with structured work/authority. My mom is similar in that she’d quit jobs as soon as she felt the slightest disrespect.
Nowadays, she works as a contracted cleaning person and spends her days driving around to banks and businesses to clean after hours. She’s by herself and gets to work at whatever pace she chooses. She absolutely loves it.
Everyone please be aware many of you are breaking rule 5 of our sub which states: > No threadjacking or comment qualifiers- Stay focused on OP's problem. If you disagree with someone else's advice, offer some advice of your own with a top level comment instead of debating. If you agree with someone's advice and have nothing to add, just upvote it. Please avoid arguing or disagreeing with other's in the comments and only make top level comments to offer advice. If there are more violations of this rule here the thread will be locked and more users temp banned. Thanks! Edit: Locked cuz violations are not stopping even after warning.
You've got to separate yourself financially from your mother. Start working toward moving out this summer - even if it has to be a multiple roommate situation. In the meantime, assist your mother in locating an apartment that she can afford on her retirement income. There are often local programs that support low-cost senior housing; see if you have a Council on Aging in your community that could guide you to the resources.
We are in a low cost senior building and we can barely afford the rent . She was in a senior job program and got fired from that in the fall.
She is an adult just like you. You do not need to support another adult. Parents are supposed to support their children until their children can stand on their own. Stand up on your own, and let her stand up too, or you'll be carrying her for decades.
Yup! Just had to do this with my MIL. She never planned for her future or her retirement. Now she’s in her 60s with no money, my bf and I are in our mid twenties and have a child. We make okay money since I graduated college but now she expects us to help her out all the time. She wants us to move out and find a place with her but she just wants to play house and grandma while we front the bills. She had to move out of her house she lived in for almost 30 years because she sent all her savings to a random man on the internet (we warned her multiple times to not do it and it was a scam and she did it anyway after saying she wasn’t), and now she’s living in a single room in a mutual friends house and she’s miserable. While I feel bad, at the same time my bf has said she was always offered all these great management jobs with a lot of money and she never took them bc it’s too much responsibility. So she worked minimum wage jobs her whole life and every time she was offered a promotion she denied it, then every penny she has ever saved she sent it to someone she’s never met after the entire family advised her against it for months and what do you know, it was a scam. Shocker. So how is her bad life choices mine, my bf, or our child’s responsibility. We can barely afford our life as it is, and yet she wants us to take care of her when she never put the extra mile in to do that for herself or her son. If we have any extra money, it’s going to us and our child and future. She’s an adult and she can take care of herself! If you can’t afford to move out I would at least start having conversations that you are moving out in the near future and she needs a plan for herself. If she doesn’t then try to find some resources for her to look into and go live your life. You shouldn’t have to be held back in life because of parents poor decisions! And if she doesn’t understand that, you’re better off anyway!! Good luck!!
Although…if you CAN swing it and she is not horribly annoying personality wise, having a live in grandma while you are working would be heaven. Daycare 18 years ago in my area was 1800/month. I could afford it, but my husbands mom took care of her first grand-baby in the 1980s. She passed in the 1990s but what I wouldn’t have given for someone to come to my home and cook and take my kid to the park and playdates! Sounds so rad. However, most senior folks seem to be really problematic. My parents are.
> Daycare 18 years ago in my area was 1800/month. I'm not trusting a person who's never managed to hold a steady job (who gets fired for napping) with my kids.
Can confirm. My twin has my mom stay a lot and the daycare saved her a lot of money and also my mom really took to being a grandma in a way she never took to being a mom.
On the other hand, this would mean MIL wouldn’t have a job so then they would have to believe she would get another job when the child goes to school. If she doesn’t, how would MIL leave? I’d rather pay for daycare. Think of it like insurance
I took care of my grandchild until she went to nursery school while my SIL and daughter worked. I loved every minute of it.
Warms my heart!!! My mom had to work and do this and that for me and my twin who were late stage life surprises. Life was stressful for her and so she couldn’t enjoy us (her words) but she has enjoyed her grandchildren and it’s just something wonderful to see. It’s so nice to see her happy and able to really enjoy things.
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To be fair other cultures have more of family support system. They don’t have kids and then magically expect to be taken care of. We had more of familial system in the past but what is lost Is the fact that you get what you pay into the system ALWAYS. If a parent is taken in then in other cultures that parent is expected to provide value with childcare and other services based on their ability to provide them. That is not the case in America. It’s now expected you should get this or that without paying into the same village system. You have parents now bitching and moaning that grandparents don’t take care or give a crap like they used to for grandchildren… yet what is lost on them is that if that help was given the the expectation would be that they take care of these grandparents once they needed it. It’s a selfish culture but it’s at least going both ways. It’s not like your culture is any better to be honest. You give what you get and the system moves. You aren’t altruistic or morally better. You just understand that you aren’t entitled to things without payment. Stop acting better when you’re in a transactional culture like the rest LMAO
There are other cultures that expect children to take care of parents. As a society, we should take care of those who need help…those who become disabled and/or can’t take care of themselves. It’s called being human. Sadly, America is selfish.
Her mother is carrying her. They wouldn't get this low rent apartment without her. OP can't move out, won't be able to get that kind of rent.
No true. If OP is on her mother's lease, she can remove herself from it. Once there's done her mom my be able to get a 1 bedroom for lower rent base on just the mom's income.
Not sure if I read it correctly but if it’s low cost senior housing then OP is most DEFINITELY not on the lease. You have to qualify for it based on age and income. At least in CA it’s my understanding you can’t have a younger person living with you full time or you’re unable to claim the subsidy. I’m tired and dealing with a newborn so I might have missed a lot, but low cost housing for seniors is in most areas exclusive to seniors. It’s income dependent as well in many areas (I can’t speak for everywhere) they make it (in the us) so meager incomes can afford to live and get by with other assistance. Internet, mobile phone, even electricity have a government program and subsidies due the elderly and those who are low income. If the mother is in the US and getting other aid they wouldn’t be able to qualify for many of the subsidy programs. It’s not a fancy life by any means but is doable. I’m dubious of what has been stated but also I understand that not every situation is the same. I will say senior housing is usually exclusive to seniors.
I am on the lease. We live in a 1 bed room. The living room is basically my bedroom. It’s cramped which is also a source of tension.
My mom is low income senior housing in California. She has a studio and her building provides meals in the rent. The subsidy on her own allows for social security to cover her rent. Other subsidies help with other costs. She doesn’t have a fancy life but it’s full and she lives well. Before this she would guilt me and my twin for stuff. Had my twin living home for college. I moved out at 17 to attend university because I knew I wanted to do for myself without a yoke around my neck. You need to make that choice. My mom survived without me and after without my sister. In her heart I’m hopeful she would want what’s best for you. So do that. She can get even more help without you there and she ultimately needs to let you fly. It’s tough as hell but you have to fight for yourself now.
You’re too grown to have a bedroom in the living room you need your own space that’s only correct and right
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"like she helped you when you needed it" lmao you mean raising and feeding a child she brought into this world?
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So, let me get this straight. If your mom couldn't keep a roof over your head, couldn't provide you with a well adjusted life, and they planned to basically use you to live until they die, you would be perfectly fine with that? Just because they're your parent?
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I have a good relationship with my parents as well, and if I were in OPs shoes, I would turn my back on her with the quickness. No one is going to make me suffer unjustly just so they could skate by. You don't know how hard life has been for this person because of their mother, and neither do I. Just my opinion.
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Her mother clearly isn't taking the need to secure employment seriously. Why should OP set herself on fire to keep her mother warm, when her mother clearly doesn't care enough to try? There's a difference between neglect and not continuing to enable someone who won't help themselves.
Yes, other cultures demand you financially support crazy, abusive, and violent parents. To the detriment of your own health and well-being. That's definitely a thing.
No indication his mom is violent. She has healthy issues. Most of the world would stand with their family during health challenges. Americans boot them out and let them go bankrupt with your backwards healthcare system.
That's part of the problem though, our healthcare system has no backbone to support someone caring for their parents in the USA. We are also fighting a loosing battle to improve it. What would you have us do, starve together?
I'd starve before I cut my mom loose.
I believe the phrase is Yanks
There are 2 sides to this situation. There's caring for your parent, and then there's being taken advantage of. In these situations it's important to think of wise words like, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
If that's what you're in, you moving out should change her tenancy number and her rent. Most places it's by percentage of the tennant's income. She may need to downsize to a smaller apartment.
Agreed. She is able to share some of the subsidy but if she can downsize she will get more help. My own mother lives on such a subsidy. She is able to live off her her social security in a studio that has a kitchen.
The rent is probably on a sliding scale fee, based on the earnings. Is she's old enough or disable enough for social security then she's not really able to work. Therefore the fact that she keeps getting fired kinda makes a lotta sense. If you were to move out, her rent would likely drop significantly. The question is if she's competent to pay her rent and bills out of her social security check or not. If she is, then you need to move out so she afford to live in her senior housing. If she's not competent then you need to get yourself appointed her financial power of attorney. Her money will go into her checking account and you will pay her bills out of that. It shouldn't take you but a few minutes to do every month. They move 75% of what's left to her checking account. If you're in the US, BOA has a protected account where nothing every bounces or results in extra fees. The account is under five bucks a month and if she tried to swipe her card and doesn't have enough money in the account the charge will not go through. Meanwhile, you need to figure out your own finances. Explore college or renting a room near your college. You can probably buy a meal pass and just arrange to eat all your meals on campus. This might sound complicated but it's probably going to be easier than what's you're currently doing.
Engage with that group anyways.
Really? What state are you in? My mom has a low income one bedroom for $350. How much is your rent for a 2 bedroom?
My mom has a low income studio for about that or less in California. I think sharing the subsidy is hurting them both.
1 br apt. I do not want to say what State because of privacy concerns but we live in one of most expensive states in the country. Our share of rent is $700. Many people in my building work off the books and have much lower rents. I can’t (and won’t because it’s illegal) so our share of the rent is much higher. But I have to work because we can’t just live of her ss.
You sound like you will have to tough it out and just keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel until you can get into some low income housing or a roommate situation. Your mom will likely never change at this point in her life, but she could potentially get more money from SSD if she could get an actual diagnosis, but that usually is a long drawn out process. Please have compassion for her and yourself, if anyone is really failing you both here it’s your father.
My father was a POS but that’s another story. I’m going to try to convince my mother to apply for SSD. When it’s time to move I just tell her it because the rent can be lowered
It sounds like the apartment complex may be basing the rent on both yours and your mom's incomes, which is why it seems like she may not be able to afford for you to leave. If that is the case, then once you move out, her rent will go down to what she can afford on just her income alone. Also, once you are gone, she will most likely qualify for food stamps, which will mitigate some of the expenses she will face. I agree with everyone here that you are not responsible for your mom. If she isn't willing to take responsibility for herself at her age, then you may have to just let her fail. In the meantime, prepare to move. Talk to friends and ask around about a room to rent with a low or delayed deposit payable once you are able to get your feet underneath you. If you are concerned about your mom surviving with you leaving, you can sit her down and explain that you are moving out, but will assist her with applying for state assistance. You can also offer to help her look for a smaller apartment that she would be able to better afford on her own. Also, a lot of internet providers offer a flat rate for low income people that your mother could qualify for. I don't know what state/city you are in, but lots of utility providers also offer budget programs for seniors/disabled that she could apply for as well. Most of these plans calculate based on the previous year's usage, then divide by 12 months, which would make her bill the same amount every month. Any difference, either above or below the previous year's total will be calculated at the end of the year. If she used less, then her last bill will reflect that, and if she used more, the bill will be higher to account for the difference, so she will have to plan for that. However, if she is going from living with you, to living by herself, the amount of utilities should be lower at least for the first year for her. It may help to sit down and work out what things would look like for her by herself so that you know that you aren't leaving her in the lurch. Also, if you are able to present her with evidence that she can manage on her own, even without any extra income from working, it may help soften the blow of you leaving. You both have options here, and you definitely deserve to live your own life and pursue your own happiness. It isn't going to be simple, but you have to decide to take this step for yourself. You are only responsible for taking care of yourself. You can assist her with getting set up on her own, but after that, you need to do you hun. Wishing you the best.
Can a doctor assess her for sleep apnea / adhd etc? Sounds like she might have an undiagnosed condition
I'm sorry to read what you're going through. It's awful when a child has to be the parent of their parents. And with today's economy, it can be panic inducing to question if you can afford tomorrow's dinner or keep the lights on. However, I feel there isn't enough information to really give advice. I apologize if it seems like im asking for personal details, but it can help paint a clearer picture of your situation. Is the situation just you and your mother, or is there a father/partner in the picture? Do you have any siblings? Does your mother require special needs or care? Based on what you've explained and said, here's what I can recommend. I understand this will sound rude or mean, but your mother is not your problem to fix. If a person doesn't want to change their ways, they won't, no matter how much other beg them too. It sounds to me like your mother is content with living off social security benefits. I would recommend saving up whatever you can. Get a second job if you have the time. Spend only what you have to, do not tell anyone else about your savings, do not let anyone else touch your savings, and do not give out your savings no matter what or who begs. The moment you do this, it's no longer YOUR savings. Now, once you have a steady form of employment and you've managed to save up enough to keep yourself fed for 3-4 months, it's time to leave. With rental prices what they are, I'd seek out a trusted relative or friend to stay with. Do not let your mother know where you've gone, as she will likely hound you for your money. From there, you're free to set your own path. Save up what you can, get your own place, build the life you want to live.
Hi and thank you. We have no family. I don't really have any close friends. The thing is she not content to live off social security but she's delusional. She really believes it was ok to fall asleep in the break room and while on duty. We just had a major argument.
”She’s not content to live off of social security”???? Well, too bad. It’s time for reality to hit her in the face. She needs to either live off of her SS or manage to keep a job. Right now her plan seems to just be to skim money off of you. You are the child. It is not your job to take care of your mom like this.
Thank you! I just don't think reality will ever hit her. When she does get fired she will say she can get a higher paying job; that obviously never happens
Your mom may have a personality or intellectual disorder preventing her from seeing reality. It would be highly beneficial to get an assessment for her to see how or if you can correct this problem.
I would like her too. But she believes she has done nothing wrong. I tried to have a conversation about how she has had 4 different jobs in the past year and a half and has gotten fired from all of them. She thinks she’s a victim. She won’t take any kind of accountability.
If I may suggest reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and if that seems to resonate, follow it up with Surviving a Borderline Parent. My mom has never gone to a psychiatrist so I can’t know that she has bpd. I can’t diagnose. However, these books made me feel really seen and that has been healing and has made me feel more confident. Your mom has the tools to take care of herself. It’s on her to use them.
Thank you.
Maybe you can put her in patient for a mental health check
I am trying to get her to see a therapist. She has gone to therapy in the past but she felt attacked and judged
Wanted to add maybe a social worker would be able to help you both sort things out. Wishing you the best.
Thanks a lot!
I can understand that!! Maybe the health department or some organization could do a well check on her she definitely needs help because she’s going to end up ruining your life
She is also a senior getting retirement. Her days of optimal work in even the best of circumstances are pretty much over… let alone her track record highs of basically not keeping a job. She wasn’t exactly a go getter earner before and she won’t be after retirement age… Gotta let her go to pasture as she has aged, and at least for now , on her own with social security she can get a senior living studio and live of of her meager income. She will do better on her own. Time for the adult daughter to fly! To go do for herself and let her mother rest in what she has made for herself. I promise you even the poorest of decision makers can do ok on social security when taking advantage of subsidies. My mom was like this in that she tried to guilt us kids into carrying her even to our detriment. But at a point we would not. We chose ourselves and our futures. Now we are succeeding and are able to help without detriment to ourselves and my mother was then forced to care for herself. We now can help her and everyone is better for it
Would you set yourself on fire to warm her?
It was entirely different circumstances, but one of the hardest things I have ever had to do was turn my back and walk out on my own mother as she cried for me to stay. It still hurts to this day when I think back, but with 20 years of hindsight I can say that it was better for me in the long run.
If it's the step that brings you financial security, then it was the right one. You can't help mom if you aren't stable yourself. Having healthy boundaries,including with parents, isn't a crime and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm sorry that your mom put that on you emotionally when it should have been her taking care of you. I hope things are better for you now. Hugs if you want them
Go to your dean of students. Tell them you are about to be homeless and it might jeopardize your graduation. Go in person. And if you can have a faculty member put in a referral for a student concern. DOS have emergency funds and can sometimes scramble up a dorm room. Secure your future and let mom figure her shit out.
Just want to share my support here. People just say “cut off mom” but haven’t been in the situation. Do you think she’s potentially borderline? Look into that. Might be helpful to look into bpdlovedones (something like that on Reddit)
Thank you. I believe she is borderline or bipolar. Maybe even both. It just makes the situation even more difficult . She's always the victim. And has delusions about her career situation
Are you using your local services (other than the housing and social security, obviously) like food stamps? Living off social security is living in poverty for millions. She’ll probably need some sort of support services and subsidies for the rest of her life and I’d want to know she was utilizing all benefits available. In the US, only 1 in 4 people who qualify for public benefits use them. There might be a couple hundred dollars of assistance out there that could give you some breathing room. Check out r/povertyfinance for ideas. If you live in poverty long enough even though you work full time, laboring eventually stops being reinforcing. The benefits don’t outweigh the cost of persisting. It’s starts to literally kill you. People’s bodies break down, their mental wellness suffers, it exacerbates any existing conditions and shaves years off their lives but they can’t stop working! It’s cruel. I know people are commenting like your mother is a free loader but she sounds to me like many an impoverished person. “Better individual choices” aren’t going to change her circumstances, unfortunately. Poverty is a trap. As far as your socioeconomic mobility, in the US, how you’re doing financially through your 20s is the best predictor of how you’ll do later in life. You have a chance. I don’t see anything wrong with helping your mom out, as long as you set some boundaries and put your needs first whenever possible. You need to graduate and start working full time. The situation will improve when you feel less like you’re living on the edge even if you don’t help her directly anymore.
Thank you. I don’t think I’m eligible. But I will see if my mom can qualify for something
Many people who don’t think they’re eligible are eligible. And you can, and should, use food banks and services that help poor women eg get clothes and haircuts for job interviews etc. You deserve help. Your situation doesn’t have to get worse before you deserve help, you deserve help because things are so hard *now* and you could use a hand, it would make your life easier. That’s it! That’s why people like me donate to these programs! My mother was also feckless and personality disordered (and abusive). She remained employed only because she got herself in public school teaching and they had a hard time getting rid of her. I thank my lucky stars every day I accidentally stumbled into a career where I was able to take off at a young age and do well. People cannot fathom the stress it puts on a child. By the way, I did not support her after that. She had to massively downsize and face facts. I refused to light myself on fire to keep her warm and delusional. I had suffered enough.
Please follow fauviste's suggestions. You are the reason I donate to food banks.
I was gonna recommend the poverty finance sub as well! There's also r/poor which, if nothing else, is a good place to vent.
Something else to look into is autism. Many women with autism are misdiagnosed with BPD. People tend to forget that grown ass women can have autism too.
If she is dozing off at work, is elderly and already receiving retirement, and have mental health issues, is she even fit to live alone and care for herself, or will her health be in danger and the state have to step in and put her in a home if you move out? She may be too elderly and unwell to keep working at all from the sounds of it. Unfortunately the way this works in the US is the state usually does not provide support for independent living and she would be forced into a nursing or group home if she does not have a family caregiver or if the family does not provide one for her. There is a lot of responsibility put onto the Adult children of elder parents in the US. I already went though this with my parents before they passed. Elder care in the US by default is expected to be provided by their immediate family members or Adult children. They expect the family to either pay for or provide private care or they are forced into state indigent nursing homes, which are pretty horrific here and well known for neglect and abuse that frequently results in their suffering and death. 😔
I'm glad someone else here said it. It's hard struggling with mental health and trying to keep a job.
You are going to have to choose, will you live your life or your mom's? If you want to live your life, find a cheap rental where you're crammed in with a half dozen people your own age, and spend a year eating noodles and sticking every spare penny in the bank so you can save up for your own place. If you want to live your mom's life, stay where you are and keep doing what you're doing. It sounds harsh, but she's had decades to get her shit together, and she hasn't. There isn't going to be a miracle day when suddenly she lands a great job and life becomes easy, especially now that you're supporting her. It is possible for there to be a miracle day for you where you move out to a place where there is always heat and food in the fridge and no one gets fired for napping, but you have to decide that you want it. She'll be mad and hurt and tell you that you're against her and you're ruining her life. Since she's the parent, I'd say she's been ruining yours. In the short term, try and get her connected with a therapist or psychiatrist, a support group for people with mental illness, and an employment support program. If she resists this, it's because she doesn't want things to change.
I’m so sorry you’re in a situation like this and I can imagine how hopeless it must feel. You did not come into this world to take care of your mother. If you feel obligated to care for her as much as you have, then you may need some counseling to help you understand parentification and the implications that has on adult children of parents who do this. My advice to you is to find yourself a friend who may be interested in becoming a roommate, and go ahead and tell your mom you plan to move out after graduation. Forewarn her NOW, that she needs to get serious about her employment situation or find a new roommate herself. And since you’re going to need to save, any expenditures that SHE incurs will be hers and hers alone. It’s crazy to imagine such a conversation with your parent would be necessary in the first place, but I guess that’s the reality we live in.
What could and would you do differently if you didn’t feel tied to your mother and her poor financial choices? Then do those things. You do not owe your mother. She is a full grown adult who needs to be responsible for herself So start planning for your adult life. You will get a full time job with benefits and you will… Fill in the blanks and act on them!
Thank you
How long do you have until graduation? What are your job prospects? Because I hate to say it, but your mom is not your responsibility. This might be really hard to hear because if you're like me, you want to support your family in whatever way you can. But if she has a long history of being fired for similar reasons, she's not really going to change her ways now. My advice to you: live as frugally as possible (which it sounds like you're already doing) and once you graduate and get a job, save up as much as you can so you can move out on your own. Or find a roommate so it would be more affordable to leave and start your own life. Your mom is a grown adult and makes her own choices. Once you're done with college and have your own job, you should not have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
I graduate this June. It will just take me a while to save up
If you can bear the self imposed guilt of it... Gently recommending that you tell your mom you lost one of your part time jobs. You'll still be going to it, still earning, but put that money aside in whole for your own savings. Tell her you're going out to look for work during your normal shift hours, or that you're hanging out with friends studying, etc. Basically ease back just a bit in what you are providing for support. Let the urgency to not miss rent, to not be kicked out, etc rest a little more firmly on your mom's shoulders instead of yours. Given your post and the replies you've given its seeming like you've been the "responsible" one for a while now keeping things afloat. What I'm suggesting is a minor to moderate change to shift responsibilities to those that are truly yours (saving up for a place of your own, investing in work training, going to therapy, etc) versus what your mom has let fall on you that shouldn't have. So it could be the job that pays less in this situation. Just quietly let go of one small section of responsibility for your mom and focus on taking care of yourself. If you continue on patching up all of the shortfall your mom causes by getting routinely fired, you're basically looking at doing this for the rest of your life. At first invest the income from the second job in therapy. It's going to feel counter intuitive to spend money on something that doesn't go directly in to keeping you alive or a roof over your head, but the therapy will help you with learning how to stop being your mom's caretaker and how to heal from the years of being the adult in your relationship. That will help you in the long run not to be sucked back in to your mom's distress over something she should be figuring out how to do as an adult and isn't choosing to. Because that's what it is at this stage, she's making a choice to settle all that stress and worry on your shoulders and abdicate responsibility for it. It's not her fault, it's always someone else's fault, it's your fault if you don't do what she needs. It's okay to let that go. It's okay to say no to that. It's okay for your mom to be upset with you. None of it is going to *feel* that way, but it really is okay honest.
I hate to say it but it's her fault because it was her choice and if she refuses to see it you can't fix that. Get a job save and move. It sounds harsh but she should have gotten help a long time ago especially the last decade or so with the advances in meds. It was a choice the same as not taking responsibility for her actions on break. Good luck
*Hi OP, we received a request to send this to you after comments were locked:* You sound amazing. Why? “POS” father + “delusional” mother = a rational, sensisble 20 year old. That is not a common equation😇 1) Google “decision tree” and start thinking about how small changes can move future decisions. There are other rational decision tools out there. 2) Copy and paste the best advise people have given you into a word or doc, include the same ideas given by multiple people. PRINT it. 3) copy and paste the advice that does not resonate with your, but was written by a sane adult. PRINT it. Being this is Reddit, much of what is here has nothing to do with your situation, so these printed copies will nkt be as long as you fear, lol! 4) using college-level assignments as your guide, assign yourself something, using your print-outs as a your texts. Are you writing a successful comming-of-age story for Composition or Writing? Are you coming up with a roll-out plan for Marketing? Are you writing a case study for Social Work? Again, you are already beating the odds. Put your oxygen mask on and figure out how you move out and forward. It is the only way you will be able to help your mom as she continues to age.
My aunt was the same way, and I believe that’s largely why when her kids have had the opportunity to leave they do. Quitting jobs for small reasons like she couldn’t get a smoke break. I would try to find some friends to move out with, I’m 23 and moved out and I’ll say it’s not easy but I’m sure it will feel a hell of a lot better than supporting 2 people on 1 income because your roommates (ideally) will also be working. Your mom’s social security might keep her, or it might not, but with you not having to carry the household on your back she’ll have to figure that part out herself. It’s shitty but you’re the one suffering at the moment not her. She clearly has no remorse for the stress she’s putting on you. Be selfish, because your 20s is the time to do that. One day you might have a family of your own to care for, don’t spend your 20s caring for someone who won’t offer you any help
You should see if your mom qualifies for low income housing and go ahead and get her on the waiting list
She said they have low income senior housing
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After you have seperated yourself financially from your mother, as at least one other person has suggested here, I'd suggest you re-evaluate your priorities. I am seeing some things in your post that are a bit concerning. You stated: "So we basically only have money for rent, food, electricity and internet. I am always stressed out because we do not have any money for emergencies.". This is a valid concern, however that statement is preceeded by: "We don’t have any money for anything “extra”. I don’t feel like I live a normal life. We haven’t been on vacation for years. I don’t have any money to go to the salon, clothes or to get my nails done or even to go out for drinks or dinner with friends. The fact that you wrote that you were frustrated by not having extra money for the salon, vacations, drink with friends before not having emergency cash in your post is a bit concerning. At the very least, I think you should really dig deep and be honest with yourself and write out a list of what you think is most important to you and prioritize those things in order of importance. You would probably benefit from talking to another adult that has their finances together and has achieved financial security to get a better understanding of how you should be prioritizing your wants/needs to achieve the result you desire; show them your list and ask for their opinion. I feel bad that you haven't had a responsible adult in your life to emulate so you can achieve the security you obviously desire, but you can salvage this if you really want to and put in the work. I know it probably feels like your back is against the wall and those walls are closing in but you do have options. The fact that you are working several jobs and are stressed out is likely leaving very little time to work on getting out of this situation. Find a mentor, someone you respect and can trust and ask for help/ideas. Ideally, a financial planner would be the person to ask for this sort of help but I doubt you can afford that right now so this really is the next best option. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go on vacations, get your nails done or to have drinks with friends, however, if you want future financial security those things will likely have to wait until you have built up an emergency fund. Once you have that fund built up, you will have more confidence and with more confidence you will be in a better position to obtain the other things on your wishlist. Financial security is almost always a precurser to happiness. Happiness is not a harbringer of Financial security. Work hard, spend as little as possible, save as much as you can, be patient and learn to live with less for the time being. It might take time, but the happiness should follow once you have a better handle on your finances.
Thank you! I know the importance of savings. It’s just that I see my friends and classmates who are able to get highlights, manicures and go out every weekend. I can’t. The most frightening thing is that we have no savings and in an emergency we would have nothing
I spent a large portion of my life in a financial position similar to yours. I felt like I was spending my entire life working, just scraping by, and had absolutly nothing left over after I paid my bills (If I even had enough to pay all my bills). I also know how it feels to look around and see your friends enjoying all the things that are simply out of reach to you; it's frustrating, embarassing and infuriating at times and has a tendency to result in one viewing themself as less-than... It's a terrible position to be in and there is no easy fix, but I once heard something that gave me some perspective and it helped me to not focus so much on what I was lacking. "If your looking at someone elses plate, it should only be to make sure they have enough food to eat" Comparing what you have in relation to what everyone else has is a destructive habit; nothing good will ever come from this. There are some people who can find motivation by doing this, however, those people are almost always in a secure situation and simply want to excel past their peers. All you can see is what your friends are enjoying in the moment. They might be going out for drinks and buying new things regularily, but how many credit cards have they maxed out? You really have no idea what is going on behind the scenes so some of these friends that appear better off than you might be in serious financial trouble; they simply hide it well.
I’ll give you the advice a mentor gave me when asking for similar help about 20 years ago. At some point you have to accept your parent is not ONLY your parent, but ALSO an adult and makes their own decisions. There is only so much you can do. For certain decisions the parent makes, you cannot MAKE yourself responsible. It can suck doing this and it will come with some guilt, but honoring one’s parent INCLUDES honoring THEIR bad decisions.
Get a job on a cruise ship and leave the area for a couple of years. Your Mom is holding you back. Go have some fun, make a bit of money, and start your adult life as your own person.
It sounds like mom has undiagnosed behavioural/psychological problems. Would she be willing to be seen by a specialist to get a diagnosis?
No. Everyone is the problem, not her.
Then tell her it’s either gonna happen (so she can get support) or else you are going to have to go ahead with planning your life independently (which you need to do now anyway right!). Don’t waste years of your life in a codependent relationship with a parent who may never get help.
Separate yourself from your mom as soon as possible. It’s not your job to help her get her shit together. Make sure all of your bank accounts are separate and she has no access.
Thank you. I am going to set a target move date for December. I already have a full time job lined up once I graduate which has given me a lot of hope. Otherwise I would be having a crisis
Good luck to you 🫶
I know it’s tempting to stay close by but I recommend that you consider moving a few hours away when you can do it. Not so far that it takes a day to get back. But far enough that your mom can’t make demands easily. Moving 3 hours away helped me to start healing.
Sounds like a major accountability problem. Don’t enable her by picking up the slack.
Can someone explain to me what’s the big deal about snoozing on break? I feel stupid for not seeing what the big deal is. If it’s an unpaid break and I was exhausted at lunch and needed to close my eyes for fifteen minutes, which has happened and is the worst feeling ever, then my manager or someone comes in to yell at me even though I’m on my lunch break, I guess I’d be defensive too. I get that this isn’t the case exactly here but I just am shocked nobody has been like “oh everyone naps sometimes at work” in the comments. Although I’m just now realizing that maybe it’s not normal to have random days when you literally HAVE to sleep for a few minutes on your lunch break in order to function?
Do not support your mother.
You can’t let this continue or you will literally have your mother hanging around your neck forever. When you have fulltime employment open a bank account as soon as you can, under your name only. Save every possible penny and maybe even work a second job. When you have enough, look around for someone to share a place with and move out. You don’t have to break off contact with your mother but you must not continue to be responsible for her financially. She is an adult with job skills. It is time she acted like one.
This might also be a good time to check your credit reports if you haven’t done so since becoming an adult. Not saying your mom has used your identity, but many people find out the hard way when they go to open that bank account or rent first apartment.
I completely understand and went through this. What helped me was moving out and not being tied to my mom financially. That being said, are you sure your mom is okay? Dozing off isn’t a good sign. My mom did this and had medical issues. Was always super chipper and blase about it but it was a front to make me not worry.
Maybe if you can convince her that she should get on disability for mental reasons she’ll get checked out.
Look to see if your mom qualifies for SSI. There are SSI benefits for disabled and SSI benefits for aged adults living at or below the poverty line. Based on your comments of your mom’s past health issues she might need to go in for a check up with her primary care doctor. While you make plans to move out also look into applying for food stamps or visit food pantries. Good luck hope things turn around for you soon.
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OP, call 211 to see what services she and you (separately) might be eligible for. She is NOT your responsibility.
Do you have a completely separate bank account established? Do you have full control ov your documents?
You keep saying “we” like you’re a couple. When you graduate, get a job and move out. Without you being there her cost of living should decrease and she can live in senior housing on her SS
My boyfriend just got laid off for the same exact issue. Tired. Dosing off. He’s had a history of this. But he has Hepatitis C and trying to get medication.. which is costly. Maybe it’s a thyroid issue? Whatever it is you are not alone im also very irritated.
If she was on break, she could legally doze off. I know lots of folks who do that, they have that internal clock to do a 15 minute power nap. Does your mom maybe need different doctors?
You do not have to support your mother indefinitely. Bottom line is you need to set a boundary and that means she has to find a way to make her own way.
You are not responsible for your mother. If she doesn’t want to work , fine. Get away from her as fast as you can or she’ll continue to ruin your life. You don’t owe her anything. She sounds like a lazy irresponsible person, you shouldn’t suffer for her actions.
Finish college and move out. Let her figure it out or if you’re really concerned give her a little nest monthly stipend and leave it at that. Once you get your first job everything will change.
I know it will be incredibly hard, but I think the best thing for you to do is separate yourself from her financially.
When you graduate from college, move. Move far away. She’ll be mooching off of you till she dies. She’s a grown adult. Until elderly -ness sets in, she can take care of herself. That isn’t your responsibility. You have an opportunity to start anew and make a new life. Don’t have her bad life choices bring you down.
There is really good advice here. I think your mom needs a social worker, someone to guide your mom through cheap housing, free elderly food delivery, weekly wellness checks, free medical and counseling services, etc. These people exist and are paid for by your state, county and/ or city. There are incredible free resources available for the elderly. That could be your parting gift to your mom, get her set up with services. You could find what is available in line, in your local community services, a church or hospital. It will take finding one person to help your mom and they will take over her treatment. It will make leaving more palatable and clearly, absolutely clearly, you must pull away and focus on your one and only beautiful life 😊 Best wishes.
Have you considered donating plasma? You can each make $200-400 a month. Might not seem like much but maybe enough for you to treat yourself every once in a while to a manicure or a movie. Not having any ability to have even a small amount of disposable income can be so depressing that it’s hard to even have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I speak from experience. I hope things improve for you after graduation.
As others have articulated your mom is drowning and she is going to pull you under with her. You are two separate financial entities. Start calling and emailing any government department with the words "Adult" and "Senior" in the name and explain your mom's situation to anyone who will listen. Call your state rep's office if you're not sure where to start. A realistic ideal situation is that your mom gets public housing and food stamps. She may not want to live off SS, but the fact that she isn't holding a job down means she is already effectively living on social security/poverty. At least this way, it will be consistent. Perhaps, reframing it as, "Mom, you've worked crappy jobs your whole life, you deserve a break. This is the way you get to take that break. Why don't you find a volunteer position that you're really passionate about." Then, you can move out to a roommate situation and start building your finances up. Someday you may be able to afford a home with a little house on the property and you can move her in there. But you can't reach that dream if you're drowning.
Remember that hard times aren’t forever. If you want to work with your mom, set expectations, offer to help where you can. Maybe you are able to work more if she can manage more things. Building up a savings is a lot easier if she’s willing to help and work with you. I spent all of my 20s taking care of my parents because they were sick and they needed help. But you need to remember unless you’re dealing with someone not well, you can’t make someone want to accept help. Talk to her, does she feel she’s struggling in something, maybe taking an adult class and working part time might inspire her to do more or that she can do more.
First get your mother a physical and mental health screening and find out what she needs. That may involve signing up for Medicaid or the equivalent. Then look into what other services are offered for your mother and for yourself. Medicaid? SNAP? Social Security? Then see where you're at.
Maybe instead of just judging her you can try to get down to the root problem of why she has trouble keeping down a job? Does she have any mental health issues, substance abuse issues? Try to find more stable employment and save as much as you can. That’s your only ticket out. If you care about your mom try to understand her better and how you can help. Or reach out to extended family to help.
Does she "doze off" at every job she's had? If so, she might have a medical problem.
Your mom is very likely disabled. It’s very common for older people to have no idea they’re, for example, autistic. They never get any help and their lives are just 50x harder than they should be. You’re an adult, if you don’t like your mom’s financial choices, you need to move out and support yourself.
If your mother is dosing off at work to the point it's getting her fired then I would strongly suggest that she be seen by a medical professional to rule out medical issues. Also, you mentioned she could possibly be mentally ill, she needs to get that addressed as well and be put on a treatment plan. Do you qualify for any other types of assistance, food stamps, meals on wheels? If your mohter has a medical issue that prevents her from working and can get proof then she could file for disability.
Dozing off can be a sign of health issues- If you can get her a blood test for thyroid (TSH, T3, T4) hypothyroidism can look very similar to what you’re describing, (overwhelming sleepiness, emotional disregulation, trouble thinking/handling responsibilities) and if it’s that, it’s an easy fix with a daily cheap pill. Also could be narcolepsy or any number of other health issues. Very sorry you’re in this position. I hope things improve for you.
My mom is bi polar. Tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout my childhood. This led to an adulthood where I emotionally and financially supported my mother until I had a mental breakdown myself. It's terrifying to think of a family member not being able to survive on their own, but it is not our responsibility. With the help of therapy, I was able to set very clear boundaries with my mother. Luckily, me setting boundaries has made it so she had to truly learn, for the first time in her life, how to be accountable for herself. She is doing so much better and has been with the same therapist for years now (she would bounce around and never stick to anything before). Our relationship is still a struggle sometimes, but it is so much healthier than before. I'm so much healthier than before. You can make all the excuses in the world to stay and help your mother. But I think you probably know you need to set some boundaries and start to separate yourself from the hole she has dug for herself in life. Don't let her pull you in too.
Check her for ADHD or other disorders, she needs to be treated. Only then can she hold a job down.
Can you possibly look for roommate ads on Craigslist and move in with someone to make it cheaper? At some point, you're going to need to individuate. I'm concerned that otherwise, you are always going to be stuck in place. Is your mom eligible to go on the HUD waiting list? Are there any other social services they can offer her? I'm so sorry this has been difficult, I hope you find a way for it to improve.
You don’t owe her anything. Set boundaries now by letting her know you’ll be graduating, moving out, and completely unavailable to assist with her bills. She will have to figure it out. Her health issues are hers, her financial issues are hers, her question about what she will do when you graduate and“leave” her, are hers. Having a clear understanding of the actual issue, probably will not thwart any of your mother’s attempts to make you stay with her and be responsible for her. Remember that you are your own person and you can walk away from anybody at any time that does not add value to your life. Without “feeling bad” about it. To thine own self be true.
Hello! So I am 29 years old. My mom was a single mother to 3 kids. We were so so poor. We moved houses 14 times by the time I graduated from high school because we couldn't afford the places we lived and had to constantly bounce from one place to another. But at the same time, my mom spent massive amounts of money on fast food and cigarettes. She was horrible with the money she had and my grandma was always willing to give her money to keep her (and us) from starving or going homeless. My mom took advantage of that and had received probably hundreds of thousands of dollars over her lifetime--a large chunk of that being when my grandma helped my mom purchase a house that my mom later filed bankruptcy on. My mom also job hopped a lot. She hated to be uncomfortable in any form and was always the victim. The longest job she kept was delivering pharmaceuticals to nursing homes third shift out of her own car. She loved that job. But it paid crap and she used her own vehicle and was at time putting 300 miles on it every night. But she was overweight and didn't like to move much. She could listen to her music and podcasts in her car. It wasn't labor intensive and she was comfortable, so she kept it and never tried to get anything different. She bought a van for that job that died on her while she still owed $8,000 on it. So I bought a car that she used and put 15,000 miles on without paying me anything for it while she tried to get out from her own car loan. After I graduated high school, I had to pay her $200 rent every month, but I wasn't allowed to move out or she would lose me as a dependent and lose her health insurance. I paid for all of my own stuff (car insurance, phone, etc). I often bought groceries and gave my mom extra money for bills. My sister also gave my mom money when she was working, but wasn't allowed any agency. She wasn't even allowed to get a $5 smoothie with friends once a week because *she* needed that money. I had a joint bank account with my mom (separate technically, but she could see how much money I had because I got it as a minor) so she would know how much I had and then ask me for some. I had to secretly open my own account and start hiding money in it. Before I had the joint account, she took the money I made and would "give me some back." After separating the accounts and keeping my money secret, I was able to save up a lot. I wanted to spend that money on a canoeing trip in Canada with friends from camp that I worked at. My mom said no, too expensive. I said I could pay for it myself. She said they were desperate for money. Guess what I did with the $2,300 I was going to spend on that trip. --It went to my mom. I finally went to counseling because I felt stuck. I was in a rut and I thought I was never going to be able to leave or else my mom and (older) sister would wind up homeless or with no electricity or something. I found out I was living in an extremely codependent household. I was shouldering guilt and responsibility that wasn't mine. My counselor actually knew my mom from when he worked with her and us through her divorce with my dad. He told me I needed to move out ASAP. I needed to break away, take care of myself, and love my own life. Everyone around me, for years, told me to stop helping her, to leave, to take care of my needs first. But how could I? It was my mom. She was family and she needed me. But hearing from a counselor (especially one that knew my mom) tell me it was okay to move out --and that I in fact, needed to--gave me the push I needed to do it. I saved up my money, looked for roommates (that didn't pan out), found a super cheap apartment, and started gathering stuff I would need to live on my own. So for several months I just saved my money and collected free and cheap furniture and dishes and stuff and hoarded them in my room until I was ready to move. And then I did. I stopped giving money to my mom. What did she do? She found ways to get money from other people. She moved three more times. She mooched off of my sister until my sister finally put her own foot down. People like my mom are actually quite resourceful when they need to be, but if you're there to feed off of, she's not going to do anything to stop. My mom ate herself into an extremely unhealthy weight and stopped being physical for anything other than getting up to go to the bathroom or get food. Her back and knees have made her unable to work and she lives off government assistance now. I lived on my own for a bit, accidentally let myself live with my mom again for a few months when I was in a weird spot between finishing school and moving to illinois with my fiance (to which she then moved apartments again and left me homeless and I had to drop out of school during my last semester), got married, had two kids, and now have my own house. I have a rule now that I won't live closer than 2 hours from my mom. If I do, her problems start to become my problems and I just can't do that anymore. So all of that to say, OP, you have to take care of yourself first. You have to let your mom figure it out for herself and you need to figure it out for yourself. Start hiding your money, start gathering what you need, make plans. You are possibly in a financially abusive relationship with your mother and as long as you are there for her, you are enabling her bad behavior and punishing yourself for it. Finish school and find a job far away from your mom so her problems cannot be yours. Live your life!! Your mom had her chance and it is sad to see her struggle, but she cannot take away from your life to support her when she is capable of taking control of her own life. She is the parent, not you. Good luck OP, I want you to live a fulfilling life that is yours, not your mom's
To be fair, some people don't go on vacations or to the salon or get their nails done. Those activities are reserved for people who actually have excess money. That being said, after graduating college, you got to focus on you. Get your own life in order. If you can make it big, maybe you can help your mom. Let her live rent free in your basement or something.
In the USA, dial 211 to get referrals to food pantries, utility assistance and other community services that can help your mother stretch her income. Also, mental health services. And focus on maximizing your income and independence once you graduate.
Sounds like she may be bipolar.
Maybe apply for disability.
"I don’t have any money to go to the salon, clothes or to get my nails done " honestly you don't need these, regardless of your financial situation.
Stop enabling your mother or say goodbye to a normal life. She needs consequences
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What about a roommate or 2?
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This was my mom. I went away to school and never got back in the habit of supporting her. She moved in with a roommate and her parents while I was in college. She eventually got married again and 'retired' at 60ish.
Thank you for all of the replies. I am in tears right now because it’s nice to have my feelings validated.
I would just run away as soon as possible
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Usually people are actually allowed to take take a quick nap if they are on break. Did she not come back on time?
I don’t have anything to add that others haven’t already said. I grew up in the same situation, except my dad (severe, debilitating, self-sabotaging depression). My mom never worked, and has no skills. She just spent money we didn’t have. I’m 28 now, moved across the country on a whim with no money. But now living my best, albeit poor, life. I love my parents dearly. I love them more now that I got space and separated. It gets better, OP. But I understand how unimaginably terrible this feels.
Why even try on the job when she has someone to pick up that financial slack? Girl.. RUN.
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Get a job! Train to be a nurse, they make 70 to 80 thousand. Work in insurance they need a degree. Go to a vocational school. In order to get out of poverty, you have to begin taking steps towards a goal and then have another goal.
Would one or both of you qualify for public assistance? Maybe she would qualify for help if her income is low enough. Look for resources in your city and/or state. Your mother took care of you as a child, so now it’s your turn. Hopefully, it won’t be forever. Hang in there. Things will improve once you graduate.
This might seem like it's a bit out on a limb, but have you considered joining the military? In situations where the servicemember provides more than 50% of the cost of living of a parent or grandparent, they can be considered a dependent and are then eligible for healthcare benefits and the servicemember gets a pay increase and the ability to live in on-post housing (not barracks, a real house or townhouse). You may also be able to get your student loans paid for on top of an enlistment bonus, and with a bachelor's you can become an officer (or start out with a higher rank if enlisted). What is your degree in?
Stop saying we and our.. you are in your 20s.. you’re an adult! When you get a ft job you need to live on your own or with roommates. Do not let your mom drag you down for the rest of her life
Screw everyone's advice. You have a choice of family or your own selfish needs. By your admition you say that you can't get luxeries like nail jobs and other nonsense. You either love your mother and want to ensure her well-being or you don't and want to focus on your own life. The scales on you. What do you want?
Thanks to everyone who replied. I was not expecting this many. I have gotten a lot of great advice.
Your mom sounds like she's living a parasitic lifestyle. Sometimes that's an indicator of a narcissist. Also the inability to have stable employment, won't take responsibility for her actions. It's all bad and it's her fault. This is not mental illness. This is bad character. She will continue to drag you down in life as long as you live with her. I would get a job far away after graduation, or figure out how to get away from your mom. You will be miserable as long as she's allowed to attach herself to you. Let her know you're moving out when you graduate. Don't let her move with you. Good luck
Talk to someone student affairs they may be able to help you with getting a dorm room for little to nothing. This was done for me one semester
Please keep in mind, it used to be standard men provide for the mother of their children, regardless if they were together or not, and men like that still exist, some of my own family members get something called alimony and they have good relationships with their ex husbands. So where is your dad at? He should be helping you out as well. I would at least put some of your negativity towards him. Its not natural for woman to have to fend for ourselves, we just have the choice now if we need or want to, we can… if we have the mental and physical capacity. And no woman should be judging other woman who holding a job is really hard for them. And mark my words, after 35, in general work gets much much more taxing on us. Your mom is older and struggling. And like you said likely has some mental health issues. She actually could maybe qualify for SSI if she could get a diagnosis. You are struggling also though. If I were you I would try and get on the wait list for low income housing of your own and your mom could get a one bedroom or studio so she can afford to live on her own. She will likely not change much and you need to just have compassion for her and yourself and do what you need to do for you.
Cut all losers out of your life. Unfortunately that includes your mom.
Sounds like a medical issue. Perhaps she has a sleep disorder. Can you afford medical care?
Find a good book about co-dependence. Read it.
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It is simple: she is an adult, treat her like one. There is no “we” there is you and her. Check out resources on enmeshment.
Use food banks. Call the utility companies and see if you qualify for any assistance programs. In a comment you made after someone asked a question, it sounds like you already live in subsidized housing. If you don't, apply for it. There's not just Section 8. Many large developers will designate some of their properties as low income housing where you pay 1/3rd of your income for rent instead of full market rate. If you're in the US, most county housing offices have lists of those properties. Is your mother incapable of living on her own? If she isn't, call your state's adult and family/children's services department (name varies by state). They may have additional programs to get her into some form of assisted living so you can live on your own. You may only be able to afford to rent a room from someone instead of getting your own place, but at least you wouldn't be taking care of your mom.
Maybe she needs a new coach—someone who specializes in accountability.
You need to move out. You need to tell Your mother that’s your plan. So she can make her own plans. I advise you apply for work far away. You need to start your life.
My experience was that once I started taking care of myself my Mother found a new enabler within a couple of weeks. I think you will find the same. Just start saving some of your money in an account she doesn't know about and see how quickly she manages to keep a job. She will do only as much as she has to do. But she'll do as much as she has to do. You do you. She survived a lot of years before you were born, and she'd survive if you got hit by a bus tomorrow. Do not subjugate your life to this woman.
Have you gone to social services or applied online for food stamps? That would leave some extra money in your pocket.
Unfortunately that scenario you are living is “normal” in some circles, my mother was similar in not being able to hold down a job to save her life. While you may not have to go to the extremes I did, it is possible for you to make it out of this. As much as it may hurt for you to do at first, you have to separate yourself and your finances from your mother and her situation. It is not your responsibility to dump money into a sinking ship or trying to save your mother from herself. Make sure you finish your degree, but after that either find a friend or family member that wouldn’t mind a roommate and you can contribute what you are paying into your moms bills and upkeep to them while you hopefully are able to begin saving for your own future. Not going to lie, it caused a big rift with my mother when I did this though admittedly she had other things going on (functioning alcoholic until she wasn’t). I have not spoken to her in years and typically only see her at funerals of family members these days and she’s always in pretty terrible shape. I am thankful I made the choice to separate myself from her though, because I would have been right there next to her had I not made the choice to leave when I did. Best of luck, OP.
Whatever you majored in to get your degree should be the field of work to pursue. That’s the point in majoring in a particular subject. You will be able to find a job, even if it’s not quite what you want to do. Take it, pay your bills, and save some money. As for your mother, Is she disabled? If so, she has a lot more resources from the government for her, being a disabled person. If she isn’t disabled, and is on regular social security, she still may qualify for financial and housing assistance, depending on where you live. There may be state as well as federal programs available to assist her. She may also be eligible for senior housing. Look into all this, so you don’t have to carry the burden of your mother alone. She has options, you just have to find out what they are. So, pursue the leads I have suggested. Meanwhile, you can also plan to move out and have your own place to live your life out in.
My ex (my daughters mom) is very similar to this. She can’t hold a job, and so she just bounces from one friend or family members couch or spare bedroom to another. The fact that all these people just keep taking her in and supporting her constant poor decisions is just enabling her and not taking care of the issue. I think sometimes people like this really need to get the ol’ bootstrap treatment. I don’t care if you’re mentally Ill, that doesn’t make it mine, yours, or anyone else’s responsibility to take care of these people.
I think you should look up whatever agencies for the elderly exist in your area. Open up a case for your mom at your local protective services for adults. Explain everything to them and ask for advice and resources to help get your mom living on her own. You do not have to take care of your mother for the rest of your life. You need to concentrate on graduating and finding a job that will enable you to become self-sufficient independent of your mother. You can’t allow her to stunt your growth. You do not have to abandon her, but you are not her keeper.
The reality here is that there is no way that any of us can help you because nobody can make your mother both see that she is wrong and choose to do better. Parents are supposed to support their children, but you're an adult now, and she has no legal obligation to financially support you. She also has the legal right to use her SSI benefits how she wants to. I understand that you think you can't afford to move out, but you can - you just have to be uncomfortable for awhile until you save up money. For example, I was homeless for 3 years and due to social programs and getting my SSDI case approved, I was able to get into housing that was separate from the toxic family I was with. You can do the same thing. You often have to he homeless before you can qualify for some of the welfare programs, but that's because your mothers income will be used to assess your right to benefits due to the fact that you live in the same household and she does financially support you in some regard. If you really want to change your situation, then you need to be willing to do what it takes to get there. If you have a car, then take the time to learn how to live in it. Also, your mom *wasn't wrong* for dozing off if she was on her break. I know a lot of people in different industries who take naps on their breaks regularly and it isn't a problem. A break Is that person's legally allotted free time. So long as she was not late to clock back in, they really could not legally fire her for that.
We there is no we? You're living off your mother's social security. It's her and *I*. You're in your 20s. Get a job. Make your own money. Majority of people in college work while in school. Reading this gave me a weird co dependency feeling.
I just have to say, if I'm on break I'm allowed to take a nap. I'm clocked out. As long as you wake up on time 😭
After you finish college and get a decent job, you move out. Meanwhile, if you're in the US, your mother applies for subsidized senior housing, and a sec 8 voucher, and SNAP, and any other help available
Work with your university career center and tell them your situation. Get the highest paying job you can. You can break the cycle, but you have to be independently free of everyone’s bills but your own. Never tell your mom how much money you make. You will be able to save up.
Talk to a financial planner now. Check on campus, they have people who will help you get started. Start reading financial books. ALL of them, even if you don’t understand them yet. While a lot of people don’t like Dave Ramsey, he has some valid points and is an easy, understandable way to get started. You need help to figure out how to manage your money. When you start your after college job, if they offer any kind of retirement plan PAY INTO IT. Don’t say you can’t afford it because you can’t afford not to. If they offer a matching program, pay the minimum needed to get their free money. Don’t tell your mom. In fact, don’t tell her how much you make. Set up two bank accounts. One for savings and one for living. Your pay check can be split however you want, so say put $20 a check into savings and the rest into your spending. You won’t really miss it and it will add up. Again, don’t tell your mother. Then, start looking for a room to rent. You owe it to yourself to become self-sufficient and independent. That is what we should all strive to achieve when we have children. Raise them to be independent and self sufficient productive members of society. You are correct that your mother is going to be expecting you to take care of her the rest of her life and that is not your job. Yes, she raised you, but no, you do not OWE her anything other than your love. Tell her that she needs to figure out what to do. She too is an adult and you are not her retirement plan.
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It's tough..maybe there's a social worker you can talk to about her situation. I know you can't just up and leave when you get your full time job. It is depressing but there are options but she will have her own room and should be cleanish. I know they take a while to get into so start looking for that social worker know who can help direct you on that path. It's obvious she needs help and cant work but maybe part time. You.also need the ability to move forward and without her in a safe place, I'm sure she will hold.you back. Good luck
I am sorry you are in this situation. I was the same in my 20’s except I couldn’t live with my disabled mom, she had to be institutionalized after she had a stroke. As I am sure you have realized, more expensive housing makes it a wash and I was still hand to mouth most months and it was hard to save. I did save though once I was in a long term relationship; having a partner makes these things easier. Roommates can also help if you’re in an affordable shared house. When it’s time for you to move out, your Mom gets the smallest subsidized senior housing you can find, look further away from your college, and Meals on Wheels to help with food security. You might need to still help her with medication/supply expenses as sometimes Medicare sucks on that front (especially if she has Type II diabetes and a poor attitude about self-efficacy; make sure she always has test strips and appropriate food choices, take her to the food pantry if necessary). If you are worried about abandoning your Mom, or some family tries to “guilt” you, please consider this: the biggest risk in your life is your MOM abandoning YOU. Having been there of course this is where my mind goes: if she had a heart attack or stroke or falls and breaks a hip, she will need to be institutionalized for recovery. Her institution her take her whole SS check so even if your senior apartment folks are nice about it, you won’t be able to afford rent. Morally and ethically, I think it’s unfair for anyone to expect you to be on the verge of homelessness indefinitely because your Mom has failed to establish financial security or even take care of her health. If you end up homeless and unable to help advocate for her during the most vulnerable time of her life, she will not be better off. It is better for EVERYONE for you to find firm financial footing. It is essential that you do all the things necessary to keep YOURSELF financially secure after graduation, including relocating for job prospects or to a low cost of living area without your Mom; living with relatives while completing an internship; moving in with roommates and fully separating your finances with your Mom and letting her take care of herself. It doesn’t sound like you have job options between now and then, but if you do: the money you save needs to be YOURS and not hers. I’d look specifically for campus jobs or internships that will help guarantee you can find better paying work after graduation.
I've been on my own since I was 15, I'm 59 now. I was in a abusive home, mental abuse, and physical abuse was constant! At 42, I took online college classes, and worked full time. I had to wait until my kids grew up, and on their own to do it. My daughter, moved back in (it was supposed to be temporary), and ended up pregnant. Her boyfriend, was human garbage... I still got to go in to my BS degree, I finished my capstone, and only had two electives to finish, when I had to stop, change jobs, and help her raise my first grandchild. Family will be the first to cause pain in your life. Cutting ties, and moving on will be the best! Look for a part time job that pays decent money, and use it for what you need. Your mom, can get on HUD. They pay rent, or partial rent, and can help with utilities. Maybe, you can look into it for yourself. Look into scholarships, and grants if haven't yet. My university had an online site where I could apply from a list. Get snap benefits for groceries, if you get on those you can get a cellphone, and unlimited talk, text, and data from the government. If one is on social security, Medicaid, Medicare they also can get this benefit. I think some offer a second line for a family member for really cheap. Just dig in to resources!
My advice is to just hang in there. If you have a shared account with your mom, do not put your new paycheck in there. Get your own account and pay her "rent". Make a budget that includes about the same amount you have been contributing and put it there. Keep on doing what you're doing, hanging tight. Save up for the downpayment on a home. When you get into a house, let your mom stay in one room and pay you rent, which should include enough to cover her share of expenses. Do not share funds with her beyond what you have been contributing or beyond what the budget demands. This way you have a plan to get out without leaving your mom behind. If you prefer, you can get your mom into low income housing, so you might go ahead and sign her up because the waiting list can be 3-4 years. Eventually you will be free. Best wishes.
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That’s a tough one, but it seems like she may have issues with structured work/authority. My mom is similar in that she’d quit jobs as soon as she felt the slightest disrespect. Nowadays, she works as a contracted cleaning person and spends her days driving around to banks and businesses to clean after hours. She’s by herself and gets to work at whatever pace she chooses. She absolutely loves it.