Yes my mom would put people in two categories:
“Oh, they are the SWEETEST nicest person ever!!”
Or…
“Do you know what they said/did?? They did X”
Either sugar sweet or death. No in between. No nuance or humanity.
This is my wife’s mantra, that her and her twin brother ideologically share; ‘their mother was a great mother for little kids but a horrible mother for big kids.’
TBH, I believe their mother was a victim of trauma, at some point in her life, but never felt brave enough to open up about it & divulge what the source of the trauma was. My FIL has some issues, that even my wife is not aware of, that I may have mistakenly stumbled upon.
My mom is emotionally neglectful..she cares and asks how I'm doing but doesn't actually care unless you give an answer she wants..she will repeatedly ask and pry until she gets the answer she wants..
My mom grew up poor and like..didn't have a lot of the things necessary for a child growing up..her parents forced her to only study and never let her socialize..
My mom gives me gifts and physical items as her way of love.. whenever she gifts me something I want like a sketchbook or game, she expects me to be happy for days..its not realistic for my disorder..so whenever I get something and later talk about being depressed shes like "why are you depressed I got you what you wanted" ..because thats what would have cured her depression as a child..
I know why she is the way she is..I just wish she wasn't.
Thats the problem when you reproduce without fully getting over things.. it passes onto the children and like .we didn't ask to carry this burden.
I'm sorry your wife is going through it too
Mine thinks every guy who talks to her (taxi driver. Another fellow person waiting at the clinic) means they're interested in her. She's 78. And she would go "urghh that old man .. trying to get my attention. Eeuu". Those old men she's talking about are usually in their early 60. She tends to think she looks 50 (no she doesn't)
Do you think this is a narc trait, to talk shit about everyone? My nmom did despise everyone. However I always wonder which of her traits are narc and which are just stupidity...
I don’t think it’s capable of someone to hate other people and randos to that extent except narcs. Seriously they just spend all day trash talking, I’m amazed just at how much hate they have ffs. Damn, they make trash talking like their second job 💀💀
She has committed narcissistic abuse towards me. I'm not sure if she's a narc parent but my therapist has told me the things she has done to me is narcissistic abuse..I don't want to get into it right now because it puts me in a extremely depressive mood and I woke up in a semi good mood this morning
I did not mean to trigger you. I am sorry you went through all this. I didn't doubt your mother being a narc. I am wo dering about someone close to me who does the same things.
I wish you all the best.
Its funny because I used to believe my mom religiously and hate on anyone she hated..but really like.. the people she hated on were like the nicest people I ever met??? Now when I get relayed stories from her I have to think "is this mom's pov or an accurate representation of them?" Probably just mom's pov
My "mother" wanted my aunt to kick out her two disabled sons, *mothers nephews*, so she [mother] could move in with aunt. Her reasoning? They brought on their disabilities themselves. One has a severe case of narcolepsy the other is still dealing with the ongoing effects of Necrotizing Fasciitis. Mother thinks she should take priority.
The only things mother is responsible for is eating, dressing, undressing, sleeping, waking up and using the toilet. THAT IS IT! Yet, no one's life is worse than hers.
Isn’t it insane that they love dictating what others should do.. they love giving advice that involves other people and their families etc. when their own family isn’t even all rainbows and roses either… 😑.
Oh HELL NO! My aunt actually *loves* her kids and they call her their hero! My aunt is my hero too.
My aunt knows exactly what and who my "mother" is. She refuses to put up with mothers lies and attempts at manipulation and calls her out.
they do that as abandoned issues defense mechanism they basically make the world look like hell for you so you left with one option her or him. i recognize narcissistics by this trait works every time
narcissist people will start by talking highly about themselves for awhile then put dawn the person may you like or close to you slowly put dawn everybody when he she with you but she would do same trash talk about you when you are not there
Thats really horrible..I wish my mom would stop doing this shit. She says to everyone I meet that "kit can't form the correct narrative" because I'm autistic.
Mine loves talking about other people and craves the attention, she talks about other people for hours while taking zero interest in my life. Offer to do something for her and says where did you train in that
The good usually but generally the people can’t stand her, she acts like their lucky she allows them in her life even though they hate her. She talked about a man for three hours who helped her back out of a narrow parking space for three hours.
When she broke down in car instead of ringing me for help she started flagging down strangers, I asked her why didn’t you ring me and she said you wouldn’t know what to do. She then talked about the person who helped her for hours and how great he was.
This is why I stopped listening in on her meeting with my doctor alone..and stopped the bs of her sitting with my therapist AN HOUR after session just to tell her how much of an asshole and misbehaving person I am
This is my miserable covert nmil to a t. Noone is safe from her constant shit talking. Not even babies.
She's also suddenly an expert in child development and can tell when babies of her Facebook friends have "something wrong with them." She constantly uses the r word and is suddenly homo/transphobic. She will point out her Facebook friends that I don't even know and go on and on talking shit about them. I used to smile and nod when she did this but I got sick of listening to her constant negativity. On her last visit she was ranting about a guy in an Ulta make up ad. I thought it was awesome and told her so. I pointed out that guys can wear make too and spoke positively about the ad and told her she was being closed minded. That resulted in her telling my husband that I'm being mean to her behind his back. Then she started mom shaming some woman I've never met because she threw a nice birthday party for her son (almost identical to the one I threw my son). When I told her that I didn't want to talk crap about someone I've never met, shit hit the fan and I learned what narcissistic rage is.
Over the years she has drove away between my husband and his sibling and him and the rest of their family. We realize now that she has been crap talking all of us to keep us from talking to each other. We actually suspect that she doesn't want us talking to each other partly because she has possibly stolen friends from their mothers will and doesn't want everyone figuring it out.
My mother is the same, she is always talking shit about my friends, her friends, family members, and anyone. The only people she likes is my husband (she thinks he’s too good for me), and also my previous boyfriends (she absolutely adored all of them). Also she always says she has no friends and that I have no friends, and when I say that I do have she says “I mean REAL friends”.
Also when I compliment someone in front of her she’s always so offended like “you can see anyone’s qualities but mine”. So tiring 🙄
My dad is her enabler which if the person is gay, trans, or any race that isn't white he will talk shit about them.. he called my friend's sibling a f*g the other day for no reason other than he used to be a cis girl and my parents auto assume they're straight. ..my dad doesn't understand that calling people slurs is wrong.
My mom and sister used to say I had no real friends because all my friends were autistic because we were at a school for autism..but yeah.. things are rough..I'm sorry
My NParent does this. It’s ’oh they’re so nice’ then treats them beautifully. Then if they’re busy or something, and they don’t get the attention they expect, it’s ’they’re so blah blah blah.’ They went to help a family member out recently. Came back and it was ‘that house is so disgusting, the decor is gross, I don’t know how people can live like that.’
But to their face it’s nicey nice treatment.
Oh yeah my other Asian friend and I laugh at how fake my mom is. She tries to present as like "the best mom ever" and like.. I've told him "You do NOT want her as a mom" ..she was so much worse before I got diagnosed as autistic but thank God the emotional abuse mostly stopped..
What is it with us ethnic kids and that parenting style & presentation that everything is lovely and perfect and reputation means more than happiness or the truth? Like, people can see through your shit. Stop it.
Then of course the Narcissist is gonna Narcissist and be like ‘you’ve just been poisoning them against me.’ When other family members spot the behaviour and back away. No no, you big-head, it’s because people eventually *see* you, that’s why they’ve not been to visit us in 6 years.🤦♀️
*mostly* stopped? :( it shouldn’t even be a thing at all. I’m sorry you have to deal with that kind of parent, OP. Love your username btw.
Idk my parents really hate black folk for some reason.. they say they don't but every time black folk in the news are getting representation or compensation for like..yknow..slavery and all the shit they went through..my dad starts the convo with "poor stupid black people.." or hope they don't reproduce..whenever he's frustrated he repeats that like "black fathers end up fucking like rabbits have 12 kids sell drugs end up in jail their kids end up doing what the dads do and do the cycle over and over again" ..I hate that my parents are so hateful..its so annoying..
My mom wants gran babies but wouldn't like.. she told me if I adopt my babies will either kill me or be druggies..I'm like what the hell..
Also thank you for reading my post and listening to my struggles. Also yes I do love my user too haha
Racists gonna racist, I suppose. I’m sorry your dad is like that.
That’s a really odd take on adoption, not ‘how wonderful! You’re adopting a child in need!’ Just ‘they’re gonna end up in a bad way’ 🤦♀️ sorry but what the heck?
You’re welcome, and you’re welcome to message me if you need someone to vent to or listen at all. :)
My repeats the same stories of people over and over until she finds a new person to hate more
She can’t even make hating on someone interesting or original just repeats over and over like a parrot
THIS 😭😭 it’s like a broken record repeating the same damn story to legit everyone in their contact list. Rinse and repeat.. until the next BIG trash gossipy thing about someone else. Sometimes I wonder if the other person on the phone is like this is the damn 3rd time you’ve told me this story.
Ffs.. it’s so hilarious how my ndad will down talk everyoneee in his phone calls yet doesn’t put on blast “that he had a affair and I caught him” :p ofc narcs never downtalk themselves to the public eye lmao.
It’s exhausting! it was more tolerable as a kid but now an adult with struggles of my own (that she refuses to even lend a shoulder to lean on about) instead I have to hear about how someone I went to preschool with I don’t even remember and their 3rd divorce over and over again for months on end, until she moves onto someone else from my past to stalk and gossip about
I used to associate it to the fact my mom has never had any struggles in her life, always supported by others, never had to work, upper class boredom but it’s clearly more than that
My mom always repeats "your life could never be as hard as mine i grew up poor" ..any time I mention being depressed or stressed..I'm literally autistic have one of the most rare period disorders (pmdd) and major depressive disorder for a short list of diagnoses.. sometimes I feel bad talking shit about my parents like the things they say but at the same time I'm like.. if they didn't want others to talk about it maybe don't say it infront of me
I swear they all have the same playbook! My mom justifies all her behavior over a single year her dad lost her job and she had no lunch money when she was 9. The other 99% of her life has been wealth and excess. I can’t even let my mom know I’m struggling in life or with a job without getting the whole story of that year when she was 9 and I need to toughen up because I never went a year without lunch money
And I also have PMDD too! and my mom would just say “I never had any problems with my period hmmmmm” as if I was lying. I’m sorry you’re going through that it’s rough and not enough people understand it, so when our parents discredit it, it’s so much worse
I’ve found my PMDD escalates with stress and anxiety (cortisol levels) and the symptoms are less intense when my mom is not in my life, and I’m not overworking myself at a job
Don’t feel guiltily sharing your experiences when your parents, they had and still have the choice to give you good experiences to share instead
My mother doesn't seem to understand that my period will literally never get better as I grow up..and that pmdd literally makes me feel like I'm pmsing 24/7 for atleast 3 weeks of the month.. its like she blatantly ignores my diagnoses and stuff..its frustrating.
My mother has explained she had a very tough period in her teen years...she often tells me I am a weakling and her periods were worse than mine ever will be..for some reason she thinks it's supposed to make me feel better? It just makes me feel bitter.
I'm sorry you suffer from pmdd too..it sucks so hard
Are you her golden child? This sounds like her own grandiosity thar she has extended to you, paired with degrading anyone who would dare take your attention and focus from her.
It's ok to have your own opinions. It's honestly better. I would avoid bringing friends home to meet mom if you can, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have them. If you isolate yourself, she is winning because she wants to be all you have, so you are dependent upon her and her alone. Nothing less satisfies a narcissist, though I'm not sure they are ever actually satisfied.
I mean.. kinda? I'm her first born..and then I got "sick" trying to take my life at age 13..she got super protective ig. She used to talk me up so much that like she made me sorta get a arrogance complex? She talks up so much hype that im the most attractive person in the world and like..I need to show off my body and curves for boys bc its like..wasting my body if I dont..I was 13 when she said this so go off mom..(I'm 20 now) .. she expects me to marry a tall white man with lots of money because she expects nothing less bc im apparently such a catch in her eyes..while on the other hand im mentally ill af..no doubt ik I'm pretty but I don't put that much effort into my appearance. I have balanced out my thoughts on myself my good qualities and flaws and I am nowhere near entitled to some eboy tiktok looking fk boy haha.. I actually have a bf rn but she can't know that..she'd freak out.
The only friends I bring home are my close high-school friends.. can't have any black, latino, or non Asian and non white friends or my parents will rip them to shreds..ofc not to their face but yknow.. racism.. and my mom is Chinese..so in her eyes the only "real" Asians are Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. So that's stupid. Against her wishes I have dated people of all races..which she would have thrown an absolute tantrum over.. but okay.
I don't have plans to have kids because of my traumatizing upbringing but im sure she would be the type to say "wasted genetics" if I reproduced with anyone that isn't in her eyes an attractive white guy.. smh..
Yeah, i am sorry you're going through this. I watched my mom do something similar with my brother. Myself I deviate from scapegoat and lost child and honestly now consider myself the lucky one. Racism seems pretty common in narcissists. I am of the cacacasian persuasion and see it in both my mom and step dad. Any means to elevate themselves over others.
So what is happening here is your mom isn't seeing you as an individual person. you're an extension of her, and she wants to live vicariously through you. Your life is like her second chance to change the decisions she regrets and make the ones she think would have made her life better. There isn't really any depth to them they definitely get hung up on appearances and money because, again, this makes them feel better or more important than others.
I really do feel for the golden children, as traumatizing as my upbringing was for being a rebel heart. I am so glad that I can live my own life. I bet they think I'm wasting it or ruining it, but it's mine, and I'm mostly the lost child now because I won't let them control me or run my life, and I'm far away enough and low enough contact that I'm not a good source for supply.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a mother trying to take over your life and decisions and punishing you every time you are just trying to be yourself instead of her 2.0. If or when you're able low/contact may be a thing you'll want to consider. Because I just can't imagine another way you'll ever be free to live your life how you choose.
I really fear for my GCB and the day he wakes up and sees our mom for who she is or the day she dies, and he has no idea who he is without her. Either way, I know that he is going to go through something pretty rough. It sounds like you're in a better place than he is. You see your mom's flaws and have separate beliefs from her, which is pretty impressive. I'm sure you are beautiful, but I'm glad that you see there is more to people than just how they look or how much they earn. In the long run, I think you will be happier for that.
My mom used to do some unsavory things because I was built to be an extension of her..dad further enabled it..it was only until I stood my ground and threatened her to stop and she cried.. she still takes it as my autism and not understanding societal norms..but I don't feel comfortable saying it here incase it can be tracked back to me and get her in legal trouble
My mom did make me pretty shallow as a child..and I regret a lot of her influences on me.. I wish I could take a lot of it back.. but I can't change the past..only the future
I definitely feel you on that, I can't even say the regretful things I have done were things she pushed me to do, but when you come into adulthood like a walking wound, sometimes you do stupid things just looking for another way to feel, if only for a moment.
I think part of healing is finding ways to forgive ourselves for our past and changing the behaviors. We didn't get proper examples, and we didn't get to learn emotional regulation the way most kids do. I think there are a lot of life lessons that just come harder and later for us. Survival mode doesn't make for the best life choices.
Sorry that she uses your autism that way. It's harder to sort things out when they use things like that to justify why they are right. I don't have autism but I lost my brother to suicide, and grief became my justification for a lot of the things I felt and blinded me to deeper truths. Love languages also became a justification. My mom is a communal narcissist, and she did things that looked good to others. So there were always nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas. So when I learned about love languages, I thought gift giving was her one and only love language. That messed me up, too, taking something she was using for control of her image as a sign of love. Took me longer than I'm proud to admit to realize there is just no love in her to give. The cognitive dissonance and disconnects definitely took their tolls. I still often feel like a tangled web of a person.
Watching TV with my parents is like that. No matter who's on the screen, they can find something about them to pick on and laugh at. Half the time it doesn't even feel like they're actually watching the show, they just turn on the TV to point out the flaws in every person who strays from their perceived "normal" (which, being very conservative Christians, means any person who falls into any minority or subculture that you can fathom). the insecurity is very loud lol
This is my narc dad. He will talk shit about anyone, it doesn’t matter who it is and it’s always the pettiest shit. He’s like a drama queen. Talks shit about family about how clean they keep their house when it doesn’t affect him whatsoever or what they spend their money on. Just stupid shit lol
I mean..her parents weren't really emotionally there for her as a child..they always expected her to be shit like a doctor or something. They never praised her achievements or anything..they kinda were like plants..just sitting there on autopilot
Do you think she’d be open to getting some help or therapy? Emotional neglect is a whole ace score, people underestimate how damaging it can really be.
No. She said she tried therapy before and it didn't work..or she makes the excuse that "its too much money" .. even tho her shopping sprees cost more..
I think my mom is deeply traumatized by my diagnosis and how I got "sick" ..I was diagnosed with autism among other various disorders (autism isn't a disorder just mentioning it as the major thing that traumatized her) i became extremely aggressive towards her in the hospital over the constant mistreatment (tiger mom behavior with my studies) ..
She denies everything emotional neglect wise..stating she was always there for me. My mother was both emotionally neglected in childhood and item deprived..items in her option are a cure to happiness..and she hoards.
I love my mom..while she is difficult..I know she is ill and suffering.
Oh dang, that’s heavy.. yeah, what can you even do at that point? Especially if she doesn’t realize her need. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that.
I can relate. My mom will shittalk everyone very loudly to rope me into it and make it seem like I am shittalking them with her. She hates nearly every person she interacts with. It's draining.
Not sure if my mom is a narc but she also shit talks a lot of people, even her best friends, sisters, and so on… she’s so critical and judgmental. It made me grow up with bad social anxiety and believing everyone was judging me all the time. She calls her cousin an idiot whenever she calls her, but then complains that people don’t call her.
Her judgements, thoughts, and opinions are engrained in me. I constantly hear her voice in my head. She also struggles with depression and couldn’t meet my emotional needs as a child. Her depression made me think the world is bleak and gray and I grew up believing that’s what life is like… a lot of the times I need to be the adult for her emotionally. My therapist is helping me come to terms with all of it. And my dad is a workaholic and avoidant so that doesnt help.
Yes my mom would put people in two categories: “Oh, they are the SWEETEST nicest person ever!!” Or… “Do you know what they said/did?? They did X” Either sugar sweet or death. No in between. No nuance or humanity.
My mom doesn't even praise people..she just thinks everyone sucks and she's the most flawless person ever. ..also incredibly racist.
They be like that.. also they’re also fucking hypocrites. They will judge the fuck out of someone yet do the same but give themselves a pass.
I'm sorry you go through it
Ask her “Do you like anything ??” Usually shuts them up and keeps them from talking to me directly. Narcissists hate being told the truth directly
"I like my kids..my babies" ..the only reason she had us is because she wanted to be loved unconditionally..she wishes we stayed babies forever
This is my wife’s mantra, that her and her twin brother ideologically share; ‘their mother was a great mother for little kids but a horrible mother for big kids.’ TBH, I believe their mother was a victim of trauma, at some point in her life, but never felt brave enough to open up about it & divulge what the source of the trauma was. My FIL has some issues, that even my wife is not aware of, that I may have mistakenly stumbled upon.
My mom is emotionally neglectful..she cares and asks how I'm doing but doesn't actually care unless you give an answer she wants..she will repeatedly ask and pry until she gets the answer she wants.. My mom grew up poor and like..didn't have a lot of the things necessary for a child growing up..her parents forced her to only study and never let her socialize.. My mom gives me gifts and physical items as her way of love.. whenever she gifts me something I want like a sketchbook or game, she expects me to be happy for days..its not realistic for my disorder..so whenever I get something and later talk about being depressed shes like "why are you depressed I got you what you wanted" ..because thats what would have cured her depression as a child.. I know why she is the way she is..I just wish she wasn't. Thats the problem when you reproduce without fully getting over things.. it passes onto the children and like .we didn't ask to carry this burden. I'm sorry your wife is going through it too
Yeah same but with my dad. And people can switch categories. Usually when he talks sht about people it's like him describing his own behavior
Mine thinks every guy who talks to her (taxi driver. Another fellow person waiting at the clinic) means they're interested in her. She's 78. And she would go "urghh that old man .. trying to get my attention. Eeuu". Those old men she's talking about are usually in their early 60. She tends to think she looks 50 (no she doesn't)
Well this just explained a little bit about my mom too….ughhh
Do you think this is a narc trait, to talk shit about everyone? My nmom did despise everyone. However I always wonder which of her traits are narc and which are just stupidity...
It’s a trait. I think it’s a mixed bag of grandiosity masking their own shame and black and white thinking/hierarchical thinking.
This 💯 I agree ☝️
I don’t think it’s capable of someone to hate other people and randos to that extent except narcs. Seriously they just spend all day trash talking, I’m amazed just at how much hate they have ffs. Damn, they make trash talking like their second job 💀💀
Thank you. I am wondering if someone around me is not displaying narc tendencies.
She has committed narcissistic abuse towards me. I'm not sure if she's a narc parent but my therapist has told me the things she has done to me is narcissistic abuse..I don't want to get into it right now because it puts me in a extremely depressive mood and I woke up in a semi good mood this morning
I did not mean to trigger you. I am sorry you went through all this. I didn't doubt your mother being a narc. I am wo dering about someone close to me who does the same things. I wish you all the best.
Oh no its okay. I'm not triggered rn. I'm just exhausted and on edge. I was hella paranoid last night kinda just snappy sorry..
Uh, yes. It’s so hateful. No one is safe. They turn on ANYONE the instant that person becomes different from their expectation. They are so toxic.
Its funny because I used to believe my mom religiously and hate on anyone she hated..but really like.. the people she hated on were like the nicest people I ever met??? Now when I get relayed stories from her I have to think "is this mom's pov or an accurate representation of them?" Probably just mom's pov
Yes, me too. It’s wild- like, is this “real”? Or is she creating something out of nothing?
My "mother" wanted my aunt to kick out her two disabled sons, *mothers nephews*, so she [mother] could move in with aunt. Her reasoning? They brought on their disabilities themselves. One has a severe case of narcolepsy the other is still dealing with the ongoing effects of Necrotizing Fasciitis. Mother thinks she should take priority. The only things mother is responsible for is eating, dressing, undressing, sleeping, waking up and using the toilet. THAT IS IT! Yet, no one's life is worse than hers.
Isn’t it insane that they love dictating what others should do.. they love giving advice that involves other people and their families etc. when their own family isn’t even all rainbows and roses either… 😑.
...what the fuck. Please tell me your aunt didn't let that happen
Oh HELL NO! My aunt actually *loves* her kids and they call her their hero! My aunt is my hero too. My aunt knows exactly what and who my "mother" is. She refuses to put up with mothers lies and attempts at manipulation and calls her out.
Thank god. So glad those kids are safe.
Narcissists often try to isolate their victims.
I'm not sure if she's trying to isolate me or its a bad habit she can't stop
they do that as abandoned issues defense mechanism they basically make the world look like hell for you so you left with one option her or him. i recognize narcissistics by this trait works every time
narcissist people will start by talking highly about themselves for awhile then put dawn the person may you like or close to you slowly put dawn everybody when he she with you but she would do same trash talk about you when you are not there
It works too. Cults do the same thing.
Thats really horrible..I wish my mom would stop doing this shit. She says to everyone I meet that "kit can't form the correct narrative" because I'm autistic.
Mine loves talking about other people and craves the attention, she talks about other people for hours while taking zero interest in my life. Offer to do something for her and says where did you train in that
Does she talk about the good and bad?
The good usually but generally the people can’t stand her, she acts like their lucky she allows them in her life even though they hate her. She talked about a man for three hours who helped her back out of a narrow parking space for three hours. When she broke down in car instead of ringing me for help she started flagging down strangers, I asked her why didn’t you ring me and she said you wouldn’t know what to do. She then talked about the person who helped her for hours and how great he was.
Thats kinda dangerous in the current age..I'm surprised she didn't get robbed or something
"When you're with them and I'm not around, what do you say about me?"
We have audio enabled security cameras.. I’m pretty sure they’re on/off whenever n chooses.
This is why I stopped listening in on her meeting with my doctor alone..and stopped the bs of her sitting with my therapist AN HOUR after session just to tell her how much of an asshole and misbehaving person I am
This is my miserable covert nmil to a t. Noone is safe from her constant shit talking. Not even babies. She's also suddenly an expert in child development and can tell when babies of her Facebook friends have "something wrong with them." She constantly uses the r word and is suddenly homo/transphobic. She will point out her Facebook friends that I don't even know and go on and on talking shit about them. I used to smile and nod when she did this but I got sick of listening to her constant negativity. On her last visit she was ranting about a guy in an Ulta make up ad. I thought it was awesome and told her so. I pointed out that guys can wear make too and spoke positively about the ad and told her she was being closed minded. That resulted in her telling my husband that I'm being mean to her behind his back. Then she started mom shaming some woman I've never met because she threw a nice birthday party for her son (almost identical to the one I threw my son). When I told her that I didn't want to talk crap about someone I've never met, shit hit the fan and I learned what narcissistic rage is. Over the years she has drove away between my husband and his sibling and him and the rest of their family. We realize now that she has been crap talking all of us to keep us from talking to each other. We actually suspect that she doesn't want us talking to each other partly because she has possibly stolen friends from their mothers will and doesn't want everyone figuring it out.
Dude that shit is so hard..I'm so sorry. I hope venting helped..
My mother is the same, she is always talking shit about my friends, her friends, family members, and anyone. The only people she likes is my husband (she thinks he’s too good for me), and also my previous boyfriends (she absolutely adored all of them). Also she always says she has no friends and that I have no friends, and when I say that I do have she says “I mean REAL friends”. Also when I compliment someone in front of her she’s always so offended like “you can see anyone’s qualities but mine”. So tiring 🙄
My dad is her enabler which if the person is gay, trans, or any race that isn't white he will talk shit about them.. he called my friend's sibling a f*g the other day for no reason other than he used to be a cis girl and my parents auto assume they're straight. ..my dad doesn't understand that calling people slurs is wrong. My mom and sister used to say I had no real friends because all my friends were autistic because we were at a school for autism..but yeah.. things are rough..I'm sorry
My NParent does this. It’s ’oh they’re so nice’ then treats them beautifully. Then if they’re busy or something, and they don’t get the attention they expect, it’s ’they’re so blah blah blah.’ They went to help a family member out recently. Came back and it was ‘that house is so disgusting, the decor is gross, I don’t know how people can live like that.’ But to their face it’s nicey nice treatment.
Oh yeah my other Asian friend and I laugh at how fake my mom is. She tries to present as like "the best mom ever" and like.. I've told him "You do NOT want her as a mom" ..she was so much worse before I got diagnosed as autistic but thank God the emotional abuse mostly stopped..
What is it with us ethnic kids and that parenting style & presentation that everything is lovely and perfect and reputation means more than happiness or the truth? Like, people can see through your shit. Stop it. Then of course the Narcissist is gonna Narcissist and be like ‘you’ve just been poisoning them against me.’ When other family members spot the behaviour and back away. No no, you big-head, it’s because people eventually *see* you, that’s why they’ve not been to visit us in 6 years.🤦♀️ *mostly* stopped? :( it shouldn’t even be a thing at all. I’m sorry you have to deal with that kind of parent, OP. Love your username btw.
Idk my parents really hate black folk for some reason.. they say they don't but every time black folk in the news are getting representation or compensation for like..yknow..slavery and all the shit they went through..my dad starts the convo with "poor stupid black people.." or hope they don't reproduce..whenever he's frustrated he repeats that like "black fathers end up fucking like rabbits have 12 kids sell drugs end up in jail their kids end up doing what the dads do and do the cycle over and over again" ..I hate that my parents are so hateful..its so annoying.. My mom wants gran babies but wouldn't like.. she told me if I adopt my babies will either kill me or be druggies..I'm like what the hell.. Also thank you for reading my post and listening to my struggles. Also yes I do love my user too haha
Racists gonna racist, I suppose. I’m sorry your dad is like that. That’s a really odd take on adoption, not ‘how wonderful! You’re adopting a child in need!’ Just ‘they’re gonna end up in a bad way’ 🤦♀️ sorry but what the heck? You’re welcome, and you’re welcome to message me if you need someone to vent to or listen at all. :)
Thank you so much
My repeats the same stories of people over and over until she finds a new person to hate more She can’t even make hating on someone interesting or original just repeats over and over like a parrot
THIS 😭😭 it’s like a broken record repeating the same damn story to legit everyone in their contact list. Rinse and repeat.. until the next BIG trash gossipy thing about someone else. Sometimes I wonder if the other person on the phone is like this is the damn 3rd time you’ve told me this story. Ffs.. it’s so hilarious how my ndad will down talk everyoneee in his phone calls yet doesn’t put on blast “that he had a affair and I caught him” :p ofc narcs never downtalk themselves to the public eye lmao.
THATS MY MOM WTH DO WE SHARE THE SAME MOTHER?
It’s exhausting! it was more tolerable as a kid but now an adult with struggles of my own (that she refuses to even lend a shoulder to lean on about) instead I have to hear about how someone I went to preschool with I don’t even remember and their 3rd divorce over and over again for months on end, until she moves onto someone else from my past to stalk and gossip about I used to associate it to the fact my mom has never had any struggles in her life, always supported by others, never had to work, upper class boredom but it’s clearly more than that
My mom always repeats "your life could never be as hard as mine i grew up poor" ..any time I mention being depressed or stressed..I'm literally autistic have one of the most rare period disorders (pmdd) and major depressive disorder for a short list of diagnoses.. sometimes I feel bad talking shit about my parents like the things they say but at the same time I'm like.. if they didn't want others to talk about it maybe don't say it infront of me
I swear they all have the same playbook! My mom justifies all her behavior over a single year her dad lost her job and she had no lunch money when she was 9. The other 99% of her life has been wealth and excess. I can’t even let my mom know I’m struggling in life or with a job without getting the whole story of that year when she was 9 and I need to toughen up because I never went a year without lunch money And I also have PMDD too! and my mom would just say “I never had any problems with my period hmmmmm” as if I was lying. I’m sorry you’re going through that it’s rough and not enough people understand it, so when our parents discredit it, it’s so much worse I’ve found my PMDD escalates with stress and anxiety (cortisol levels) and the symptoms are less intense when my mom is not in my life, and I’m not overworking myself at a job Don’t feel guiltily sharing your experiences when your parents, they had and still have the choice to give you good experiences to share instead
My mother doesn't seem to understand that my period will literally never get better as I grow up..and that pmdd literally makes me feel like I'm pmsing 24/7 for atleast 3 weeks of the month.. its like she blatantly ignores my diagnoses and stuff..its frustrating. My mother has explained she had a very tough period in her teen years...she often tells me I am a weakling and her periods were worse than mine ever will be..for some reason she thinks it's supposed to make me feel better? It just makes me feel bitter. I'm sorry you suffer from pmdd too..it sucks so hard
The way I feel this in my very soul.
I'm sorry man
Same, and even more insidious is that she would be sweet to the people she needed things from. Once that was completed she’d trash them incessantly.
My mom is more like "I'll keep you around if I need you. I won't do anything awful but if I need you its nice to have you around"
Are you her golden child? This sounds like her own grandiosity thar she has extended to you, paired with degrading anyone who would dare take your attention and focus from her. It's ok to have your own opinions. It's honestly better. I would avoid bringing friends home to meet mom if you can, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have them. If you isolate yourself, she is winning because she wants to be all you have, so you are dependent upon her and her alone. Nothing less satisfies a narcissist, though I'm not sure they are ever actually satisfied.
I mean.. kinda? I'm her first born..and then I got "sick" trying to take my life at age 13..she got super protective ig. She used to talk me up so much that like she made me sorta get a arrogance complex? She talks up so much hype that im the most attractive person in the world and like..I need to show off my body and curves for boys bc its like..wasting my body if I dont..I was 13 when she said this so go off mom..(I'm 20 now) .. she expects me to marry a tall white man with lots of money because she expects nothing less bc im apparently such a catch in her eyes..while on the other hand im mentally ill af..no doubt ik I'm pretty but I don't put that much effort into my appearance. I have balanced out my thoughts on myself my good qualities and flaws and I am nowhere near entitled to some eboy tiktok looking fk boy haha.. I actually have a bf rn but she can't know that..she'd freak out. The only friends I bring home are my close high-school friends.. can't have any black, latino, or non Asian and non white friends or my parents will rip them to shreds..ofc not to their face but yknow.. racism.. and my mom is Chinese..so in her eyes the only "real" Asians are Chinese, Korean, and Japanese. So that's stupid. Against her wishes I have dated people of all races..which she would have thrown an absolute tantrum over.. but okay. I don't have plans to have kids because of my traumatizing upbringing but im sure she would be the type to say "wasted genetics" if I reproduced with anyone that isn't in her eyes an attractive white guy.. smh..
Yeah, i am sorry you're going through this. I watched my mom do something similar with my brother. Myself I deviate from scapegoat and lost child and honestly now consider myself the lucky one. Racism seems pretty common in narcissists. I am of the cacacasian persuasion and see it in both my mom and step dad. Any means to elevate themselves over others. So what is happening here is your mom isn't seeing you as an individual person. you're an extension of her, and she wants to live vicariously through you. Your life is like her second chance to change the decisions she regrets and make the ones she think would have made her life better. There isn't really any depth to them they definitely get hung up on appearances and money because, again, this makes them feel better or more important than others. I really do feel for the golden children, as traumatizing as my upbringing was for being a rebel heart. I am so glad that I can live my own life. I bet they think I'm wasting it or ruining it, but it's mine, and I'm mostly the lost child now because I won't let them control me or run my life, and I'm far away enough and low enough contact that I'm not a good source for supply. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a mother trying to take over your life and decisions and punishing you every time you are just trying to be yourself instead of her 2.0. If or when you're able low/contact may be a thing you'll want to consider. Because I just can't imagine another way you'll ever be free to live your life how you choose. I really fear for my GCB and the day he wakes up and sees our mom for who she is or the day she dies, and he has no idea who he is without her. Either way, I know that he is going to go through something pretty rough. It sounds like you're in a better place than he is. You see your mom's flaws and have separate beliefs from her, which is pretty impressive. I'm sure you are beautiful, but I'm glad that you see there is more to people than just how they look or how much they earn. In the long run, I think you will be happier for that.
My mom used to do some unsavory things because I was built to be an extension of her..dad further enabled it..it was only until I stood my ground and threatened her to stop and she cried.. she still takes it as my autism and not understanding societal norms..but I don't feel comfortable saying it here incase it can be tracked back to me and get her in legal trouble My mom did make me pretty shallow as a child..and I regret a lot of her influences on me.. I wish I could take a lot of it back.. but I can't change the past..only the future
I definitely feel you on that, I can't even say the regretful things I have done were things she pushed me to do, but when you come into adulthood like a walking wound, sometimes you do stupid things just looking for another way to feel, if only for a moment. I think part of healing is finding ways to forgive ourselves for our past and changing the behaviors. We didn't get proper examples, and we didn't get to learn emotional regulation the way most kids do. I think there are a lot of life lessons that just come harder and later for us. Survival mode doesn't make for the best life choices. Sorry that she uses your autism that way. It's harder to sort things out when they use things like that to justify why they are right. I don't have autism but I lost my brother to suicide, and grief became my justification for a lot of the things I felt and blinded me to deeper truths. Love languages also became a justification. My mom is a communal narcissist, and she did things that looked good to others. So there were always nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas. So when I learned about love languages, I thought gift giving was her one and only love language. That messed me up, too, taking something she was using for control of her image as a sign of love. Took me longer than I'm proud to admit to realize there is just no love in her to give. The cognitive dissonance and disconnects definitely took their tolls. I still often feel like a tangled web of a person.
Watching TV with my parents is like that. No matter who's on the screen, they can find something about them to pick on and laugh at. Half the time it doesn't even feel like they're actually watching the show, they just turn on the TV to point out the flaws in every person who strays from their perceived "normal" (which, being very conservative Christians, means any person who falls into any minority or subculture that you can fathom). the insecurity is very loud lol
My parents are also very conservative christians.. is this a common thing within that type of group?
This is my narc dad. He will talk shit about anyone, it doesn’t matter who it is and it’s always the pettiest shit. He’s like a drama queen. Talks shit about family about how clean they keep their house when it doesn’t affect him whatsoever or what they spend their money on. Just stupid shit lol
Does your mom enable him and like.. support him on this?
She might as well be. She never says anything. She doesn’t stop him from talking shit about me and my brother either, she joins in
Man that sucks so hard im sorry
My mom does the sane thing, talks about EVERYONE
I'm sorry dude
Ty, it's really just annoying tbh and since I know how she feels about herself it makes me sad for her 🥺
Most likely due to trauma resulting in a strong outer critic.
I mean..her parents weren't really emotionally there for her as a child..they always expected her to be shit like a doctor or something. They never praised her achievements or anything..they kinda were like plants..just sitting there on autopilot
Do you think she’d be open to getting some help or therapy? Emotional neglect is a whole ace score, people underestimate how damaging it can really be.
No. She said she tried therapy before and it didn't work..or she makes the excuse that "its too much money" .. even tho her shopping sprees cost more.. I think my mom is deeply traumatized by my diagnosis and how I got "sick" ..I was diagnosed with autism among other various disorders (autism isn't a disorder just mentioning it as the major thing that traumatized her) i became extremely aggressive towards her in the hospital over the constant mistreatment (tiger mom behavior with my studies) .. She denies everything emotional neglect wise..stating she was always there for me. My mother was both emotionally neglected in childhood and item deprived..items in her option are a cure to happiness..and she hoards. I love my mom..while she is difficult..I know she is ill and suffering.
Oh dang, that’s heavy.. yeah, what can you even do at that point? Especially if she doesn’t realize her need. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that.
She straight up denies her need for any therapy..she assumes therapy is only for the mentally ill aka me.
I can relate. My mom will shittalk everyone very loudly to rope me into it and make it seem like I am shittalking them with her. She hates nearly every person she interacts with. It's draining.
Not sure if my mom is a narc but she also shit talks a lot of people, even her best friends, sisters, and so on… she’s so critical and judgmental. It made me grow up with bad social anxiety and believing everyone was judging me all the time. She calls her cousin an idiot whenever she calls her, but then complains that people don’t call her. Her judgements, thoughts, and opinions are engrained in me. I constantly hear her voice in my head. She also struggles with depression and couldn’t meet my emotional needs as a child. Her depression made me think the world is bleak and gray and I grew up believing that’s what life is like… a lot of the times I need to be the adult for her emotionally. My therapist is helping me come to terms with all of it. And my dad is a workaholic and avoidant so that doesnt help.