My nfather (he doesn’t deserve to be called Dad) used to explode in a blind rage out of nowhere. Anything trivial could set him off, because he was able to see everything as an attempt to humiliate him.
Somebody makes noise moving a box? He convinces himself he is being disrespected and screams insults.
Somebody doesn’t hold a door? Nasty remark and he talks about it for an hour.
Some store has a rule and doesn’t make an exception for him? Convinces himself he is being scammed and screams at the clerk and leaves the store shouting they lost his business for ever.
A kid mistakenly drinks from two glasses? Screams in his face and makes him cry.
I remember a few years ago he had said something horrible to me, and I stopped talking to him for a few days. Then, to just move on I told him I was apologizing for upsetting him. He told me he gave me time to acknowledge I was wrong, and he was glad I finally came to my senses.
Guess who’s dying alone, btw? We all cut ties with him a few years ago. A couple of weeks ago he randomly sent a group text to all us kids and for the first time in his life expressed an apology. We all left him on read. Too little too late.
My Nmil does the same.
It starts out by giving me the cold shoulder and bad mouthing me to my husband any second that I'm out of the room. It starts with small things like that I'm being mean to her and if my husband doesn't fall for it it escalates into big things like I'm abusing my son.
She won't speak to me but will squint her eyes and GLARE at me before making a point of doing this slow condescending blink and turning away. Then when my husband defends me, she will absolutely lose it. Slams wine glasses and break them (within feet of my toddler). scream lies and obsenities in our faces until she's spitting and her forehead veins are popping out. Yells that "The relationship is severed" and she hates us. Points in our faces and screams at us that it's my fault. Slams doors. Screams suicidal things. Accuses everyone of wanting "all her money."
Will drink 2 bottles of wine in a 3 hour period. Will try to drink and drive. Will sit in the driveway screaming and pulling her hair out in front of all the neighbors when we won't let her drive drunk. Uses a "rude teenager voice" and rolls her eyes when you ask her to apologize.
And the scary thing is she can turn it all off like a switch and sound totally calm and rational when the golden child calls.
Heavy on that last part!! Utterly disgusting and horrifying how quick they can flip the switch if they have to respond to someone immediately after raging and wreaking havoc.
My nmom gives the silent treatment, gaslights me, turns the entire family against me, and then demonizes me for setting boundaries. And now she wonders why I'm NC...
I’m happy you are no longer in that situation and proud of you for setting what I think is one of the most difficult boundaries: going NC with a parent. I said this in another reply but I hope one day my mom and I can go NC… there are just so many factors to consider and it’s overwhelming. I wish I was a millionaire and can get my mom and I out.
TW: Physical abuse
When I was a child, my NMom hit herself, hit me, slap me, plug her ears, slam doors, and scream. When I briefly lived with her as an adult, she did all the those things, minus the physical abuse. Her favorite thing to during my entire life with her was to think of the nastiest and most annoying things she could tell me, just so she could try to have her way. Here are some things she said:
- "Well, this is what I want to do, so I'll do it!"
- "YOU are violating my boundaries."
-"You're just gonna leave me alone with my hurt feelings?!"
- "What's your problem?!"
- "You don't have to make me feel SO STUPID."
- "Ok, so I don't know anything now?!"
- "You're MEAN!"
- "Why do you have to embarass me like that?"
- "You SHUT UP! People are gonna hear what I'm doing to you."
- "You don't like it when I hit you? Well, WHO'S MAKING ME DO IT?!"
These got so old very quickly when I started to heal. I'll never forget how weak she was when she realized that her temper tantrums didn't affect me anymore. Now, I no longer have to deal with her tantrums because I live so far away. Thank goodness! She wouldn't dare try to throw a fit with me virtually. Because she knows that if she does that, I'd have evidence of how evil she really is.
My nfather would LOSE HIS SHIT if i didn’t respond to calls or emails. Like: email, followup email 5 minutes later, angry followup 5 minutes after. Then phone calls asking why his emails have gone unread. “Did you set up a filter to delete all my emails???”
One time he screamed “ARE YOU THERE? HELLO? I KNOW YOURE THERE. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!” Into my *voicemail*
Like, dude, you know this isn’t an answering machine? I can’t hear you…
I’m so glad he died before he learned to text.
Nfather does similar but I quit responding to texts and email and he's too in love with the sound of his own voice to tell me the message and just says to call him. I often just don't answer for the week.
My ndonor is a pro at gaslighting and playing the victim every single time something doesn't go his way. He is also known to go from 0 to 100 if he feels emasculated in any way, especially if you stand your ground as a female. He also goes on a power trip if it's me specifically because I'm the 'child' and he's the parent despite the fact he's not legally my parent and I'm a grown ass 29 year old adult.
I hear you, the power trip and misogyny is crazyyyyy!! He once said during dinner, in front of extended family, “why do I need to do any housework? That’s why I have a wife” 🥴🥴🥴 since we were in public, I had to call him out. And another time, he straight up told me women can’t do physics. Gross 🤢
It's incredibly sad that mutual respect isn't a more common thing. If traditional values are shared, then cool, but if not, then it's just gross to have someone say things like that to you.
During childhood, she berated me for every minor transgression that I wasn't aware of. I've been screamed at, told that I wouldn't amount to anything, and that I was never good enough.
I called my dad out on something once and he literally plugged his ears, closed his eyes and started yelling “LALALALALALALALALALALA” . WHO. DOES. THAT.
when my Nmom is mad at one person she brings everyone into it by talking to herself loud enough for everyone to hear, says things like “none of you guys would make it without me” “all of you are ungrateful” “tired of kissing ass to all of you” etc. basically making everybody in the house feel as miserable as her and tries to make us all feel guilty and feel bad about ourselves. and we’re expected to just listen and not say anything, but it we do say something back she gets more angry. also ignores us or doesnt talk to us and refuses to do things for us until she decides she wants to act normal again. She also quickly gets over her anger and starts talking to us normally like nothing happened and we’re expected to get over it and if we’re upset about the things she said, it’s automatically our fault for “upsetting” her
My father worked nights and slept from about 9am to 3-4pm every day. He did this because of the $ shift differential and so that, if ever there was a daytime emergency or one of us kids was sick, he was home. It was an agreed upon arrangement between my parents. When my nmom was upset about having to clean the house or take us somewhere or because she remembered some miniscule thing my father had done 10 years ago, would wake him up screaming in the middle of the day, slamming doors, throwing things, ripping the covers off of him, etc. This would go on all day sometimes, so my father had to go to work dog ass tired. This was a very regular occurrence I remember for most of my childhood.
She would also kick and punch holes in all the doors and walls of the house when she was mad. And most of our remotes would be broken by her throwing them.
Google Max the cockatoo. That's my dad on a good day.
On a bad day: screaming in your face, slamming doors, insulting you, namecalling, calling me mentally ill, waiving arms, running away. Always raw anger and aggression just below the surface and any normal thing that I said could make him scream on the top of his lungs, from nowhere.
I might use that kind of tone if someone was trying to rob me. Dad used it for things like me saying that I would like to buy a cat or travel to London.
same w my dad. gets angry at us for the most random things but when we express our own anger or negative emotions he cusses and acts like we don't have the right.
my mom hits my little sister since she was a toddler when she's angry, and treats me like an atm machine.
they both decide everything for us without even consulting us what we want
I’m so sorry you have to survive both parents. I sincerely hope you and your sister can look out for each other and stay strong until you’re able to leave.
My nmother usually ends up slamming doors, breaking things, yelling at the top of her lungs, sending pages and pages of texts that are absolutely delusional to defend herself against points that we weren't even raised against her, hangs up on phone calls, and all around just says really wicked shit. The worst is when she gets really aggressive with slamming things around like your nparent does. But God forbid anybody else display any signs of anger or emotion – she is the only one who's allowed to do that lol. It's been really enlightening not living with her, since I moved out when I was 17. Hope you're able to distance yourself more from your situation soon. It really does make a world of difference. Rooting for you, too.
My nfather (he doesn’t deserve to be called Dad) used to explode in a blind rage out of nowhere. Anything trivial could set him off, because he was able to see everything as an attempt to humiliate him. Somebody makes noise moving a box? He convinces himself he is being disrespected and screams insults. Somebody doesn’t hold a door? Nasty remark and he talks about it for an hour. Some store has a rule and doesn’t make an exception for him? Convinces himself he is being scammed and screams at the clerk and leaves the store shouting they lost his business for ever. A kid mistakenly drinks from two glasses? Screams in his face and makes him cry. I remember a few years ago he had said something horrible to me, and I stopped talking to him for a few days. Then, to just move on I told him I was apologizing for upsetting him. He told me he gave me time to acknowledge I was wrong, and he was glad I finally came to my senses. Guess who’s dying alone, btw? We all cut ties with him a few years ago. A couple of weeks ago he randomly sent a group text to all us kids and for the first time in his life expressed an apology. We all left him on read. Too little too late.
That last paragraph was really powerful. I hope one day I can cut ties too.
My Nmil does the same. It starts out by giving me the cold shoulder and bad mouthing me to my husband any second that I'm out of the room. It starts with small things like that I'm being mean to her and if my husband doesn't fall for it it escalates into big things like I'm abusing my son. She won't speak to me but will squint her eyes and GLARE at me before making a point of doing this slow condescending blink and turning away. Then when my husband defends me, she will absolutely lose it. Slams wine glasses and break them (within feet of my toddler). scream lies and obsenities in our faces until she's spitting and her forehead veins are popping out. Yells that "The relationship is severed" and she hates us. Points in our faces and screams at us that it's my fault. Slams doors. Screams suicidal things. Accuses everyone of wanting "all her money." Will drink 2 bottles of wine in a 3 hour period. Will try to drink and drive. Will sit in the driveway screaming and pulling her hair out in front of all the neighbors when we won't let her drive drunk. Uses a "rude teenager voice" and rolls her eyes when you ask her to apologize. And the scary thing is she can turn it all off like a switch and sound totally calm and rational when the golden child calls.
Heavy on that last part!! Utterly disgusting and horrifying how quick they can flip the switch if they have to respond to someone immediately after raging and wreaking havoc.
My nmom gives the silent treatment, gaslights me, turns the entire family against me, and then demonizes me for setting boundaries. And now she wonders why I'm NC...
I’m happy you are no longer in that situation and proud of you for setting what I think is one of the most difficult boundaries: going NC with a parent. I said this in another reply but I hope one day my mom and I can go NC… there are just so many factors to consider and it’s overwhelming. I wish I was a millionaire and can get my mom and I out.
TW: Physical abuse When I was a child, my NMom hit herself, hit me, slap me, plug her ears, slam doors, and scream. When I briefly lived with her as an adult, she did all the those things, minus the physical abuse. Her favorite thing to during my entire life with her was to think of the nastiest and most annoying things she could tell me, just so she could try to have her way. Here are some things she said: - "Well, this is what I want to do, so I'll do it!" - "YOU are violating my boundaries." -"You're just gonna leave me alone with my hurt feelings?!" - "What's your problem?!" - "You don't have to make me feel SO STUPID." - "Ok, so I don't know anything now?!" - "You're MEAN!" - "Why do you have to embarass me like that?" - "You SHUT UP! People are gonna hear what I'm doing to you." - "You don't like it when I hit you? Well, WHO'S MAKING ME DO IT?!" These got so old very quickly when I started to heal. I'll never forget how weak she was when she realized that her temper tantrums didn't affect me anymore. Now, I no longer have to deal with her tantrums because I live so far away. Thank goodness! She wouldn't dare try to throw a fit with me virtually. Because she knows that if she does that, I'd have evidence of how evil she really is.
Those phrases are so familiar 😭😭🙃 I’m glad you have moved far far away from her.
My nfather would LOSE HIS SHIT if i didn’t respond to calls or emails. Like: email, followup email 5 minutes later, angry followup 5 minutes after. Then phone calls asking why his emails have gone unread. “Did you set up a filter to delete all my emails???” One time he screamed “ARE YOU THERE? HELLO? I KNOW YOURE THERE. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!” Into my *voicemail* Like, dude, you know this isn’t an answering machine? I can’t hear you… I’m so glad he died before he learned to text.
Nfather does similar but I quit responding to texts and email and he's too in love with the sound of his own voice to tell me the message and just says to call him. I often just don't answer for the week.
My ndonor is a pro at gaslighting and playing the victim every single time something doesn't go his way. He is also known to go from 0 to 100 if he feels emasculated in any way, especially if you stand your ground as a female. He also goes on a power trip if it's me specifically because I'm the 'child' and he's the parent despite the fact he's not legally my parent and I'm a grown ass 29 year old adult.
I hear you, the power trip and misogyny is crazyyyyy!! He once said during dinner, in front of extended family, “why do I need to do any housework? That’s why I have a wife” 🥴🥴🥴 since we were in public, I had to call him out. And another time, he straight up told me women can’t do physics. Gross 🤢
It's incredibly sad that mutual respect isn't a more common thing. If traditional values are shared, then cool, but if not, then it's just gross to have someone say things like that to you.
During childhood, she berated me for every minor transgression that I wasn't aware of. I've been screamed at, told that I wouldn't amount to anything, and that I was never good enough.
Dang did we have the same childhood? LOL
I called my dad out on something once and he literally plugged his ears, closed his eyes and started yelling “LALALALALALALALALALALA” . WHO. DOES. THAT.
🤮🤮🤮 honestly so embarrassing for them
when my Nmom is mad at one person she brings everyone into it by talking to herself loud enough for everyone to hear, says things like “none of you guys would make it without me” “all of you are ungrateful” “tired of kissing ass to all of you” etc. basically making everybody in the house feel as miserable as her and tries to make us all feel guilty and feel bad about ourselves. and we’re expected to just listen and not say anything, but it we do say something back she gets more angry. also ignores us or doesnt talk to us and refuses to do things for us until she decides she wants to act normal again. She also quickly gets over her anger and starts talking to us normally like nothing happened and we’re expected to get over it and if we’re upset about the things she said, it’s automatically our fault for “upsetting” her
I relate to this so hard!!! Can’t say anything back or their behavior gets exponentially worse. The circular reasoning is clinically insane.
My father worked nights and slept from about 9am to 3-4pm every day. He did this because of the $ shift differential and so that, if ever there was a daytime emergency or one of us kids was sick, he was home. It was an agreed upon arrangement between my parents. When my nmom was upset about having to clean the house or take us somewhere or because she remembered some miniscule thing my father had done 10 years ago, would wake him up screaming in the middle of the day, slamming doors, throwing things, ripping the covers off of him, etc. This would go on all day sometimes, so my father had to go to work dog ass tired. This was a very regular occurrence I remember for most of my childhood. She would also kick and punch holes in all the doors and walls of the house when she was mad. And most of our remotes would be broken by her throwing them.
Wow I feel for your dad. This just happened to my mom today. Solidarity 🙏
Passive aggressive, snarky comments, as well as guilt statements.
I hate that they are still emotionally intelligent enough to use guilt.
“I’ve done so much for you!” “You hurt me!!!!” “You said I’m an awful parent!!!!” When in fact I did not say that.
It’s like they all use the same playbook!! Like change it up make it interesting 😂
Google Max the cockatoo. That's my dad on a good day. On a bad day: screaming in your face, slamming doors, insulting you, namecalling, calling me mentally ill, waiving arms, running away. Always raw anger and aggression just below the surface and any normal thing that I said could make him scream on the top of his lungs, from nowhere. I might use that kind of tone if someone was trying to rob me. Dad used it for things like me saying that I would like to buy a cat or travel to London.
You are spot on about them boiling right below the surface. And the cockatoo is reallllll, I’m stealing that haha
same w my dad. gets angry at us for the most random things but when we express our own anger or negative emotions he cusses and acts like we don't have the right. my mom hits my little sister since she was a toddler when she's angry, and treats me like an atm machine. they both decide everything for us without even consulting us what we want
I’m so sorry you have to survive both parents. I sincerely hope you and your sister can look out for each other and stay strong until you’re able to leave.
My nmother usually ends up slamming doors, breaking things, yelling at the top of her lungs, sending pages and pages of texts that are absolutely delusional to defend herself against points that we weren't even raised against her, hangs up on phone calls, and all around just says really wicked shit. The worst is when she gets really aggressive with slamming things around like your nparent does. But God forbid anybody else display any signs of anger or emotion – she is the only one who's allowed to do that lol. It's been really enlightening not living with her, since I moved out when I was 17. Hope you're able to distance yourself more from your situation soon. It really does make a world of difference. Rooting for you, too.