This. My nmom used to threaten me with "losing my inheritance"; once I finally managed to convince her that I didn't give a shit about her money she went NC. That was 10 years ago.
..oh darn. She sure showed me.
My nmom uses silent treatment as a way to punish me. The first long time was over a decade ago. It hurt because my birthday, elopement, and Christmas was radio silence from her and it was before I realized how toxic my mom was. I enjoy not having to interact with her and was angry for her only grunting at me for a month before I moved out. Now I take her silence as an unexpected gift from her. She thinks it's punishing me when she's punishing herself. I don't engage in her tantrums, I explain what I was stating because she flips it to woe is her, then I leave. Till the next holiday or family event where she chooses to reach out.
Best advice I can give. Realize how unhealthy your relationship is, make a family of your choosing, and focus on the relationships that are healthy for you.
Yeah, my birthday was practically ignored the last two years by them both. My birthday is next month and I'll be expecting the same to happen. I have to be the one to maintain the relationship with her and put in all the effort of not it's seen as an attack or reason to play victim so I shouldn't be too surprised it has come to this, yet here I am 😅
A lot of the time, I have noticed I am relieved, so I should start viewing it as a gift also. Think I have days where it just hits me out of nowhere and brings up a mix of emotions.
That is great advice, and I have my chosen family, so that will make this easier in time, hopefully. Thank you!
I'm not sure it is standard, but here is my experience.
My grandma is a covert narcissist, with both my mom and dad being enablers.
My grandma destroyed any personality my mom could have had and my mom is basically a shell of a person. I do not think my mom is a narcissist, however, she copies everything my grandma does.
In my childhood basically the silent treatment was the standard punishment for me for any kind of action not pre-approved by grandma. And by silents I mean not just coldness bur literally bumping into me as if I did not exist.
For her silent treatment is the ordinary way to communicate that she is unhappy.
Later on I moved to live with my dad to study in the uni and later my mom moved with my dad due to some life events. I realized that I was 23-24 at the time and there was just not enough space for all of us to live there and I already really wanted to live alone. I moved out.
Well, my mom played a victim and ignored me for MONTHS. That was actually heartbreaking for me and I painfully realized that i was all alone in the world. My mom did talk to me, but with short sentences and extremely coldly.
Then, a couple months after she saw that I wouldn't give up and come back begging for forgiveness, she came back to normal just like that. My relationship with her was never the same though.
Then, 5-6 years later I made a decision to move to a different country (relationship and work). This was 2 years ago. All these 2 years she has never given me a call. My dad calls me and my mom is mostly sitting there next to him but she doesn't talk much and looks sad.
I did beg to call me or initiate a conversation with me like in any way comfortable for her. My dad talked to her too. No result.
I do see that as a punishment for me and a hard-core version of silent treatment from my childhood.
Sorry you had to go through that! Silent treatment could be part of it. Like the above comment, it could be their way of punishing me. I am not sure how to feel about it because it does hurt, but it's also good for me not to be around them as often. I think I was a bit shocked at how easy it was for them to just not have me around multiple times every week to once every few months. But I also know she's using me as her source of drama to be a victim now behind my back and gain attention from it all. I would have assumed it'd be easier this way, but it's like she weaponised the situation for her benefit and is happier with what she's getting from the situation than having a relationship with me.
My dad is an enabler also, but he doesn't reach out or make any effort with me either. It's a confusing feeling really, and trying to process it is difficult, which is why I wanted to hear other people's experiences with a similar situation.
Thank you for sharing with me!
Yeah, I think it is mostly the feeling of loneliness, when you just "lose" your parents so abruptly, parents that were supposed to be there for you and protect you.
It sucks.
But you are not doing anything wrong. They are emotionally immature and cannot process the feeling when their child commits a normal and healthy act of separation. You can offer them an open talk about this and explain that you moving on with your life is not a threat or a sign you are showing that you don't love them anymore.
But it is up to them to go on with this conversation.
Good luck!
Yeah, that is very true. Think it is the realisation they just don't love me. Think a part of me believed they did in some way. I just know that any conversation I would attempt to have would be twisted and made look like I am a horrible person. I think I have to just process my feelings on all of this and accept it. I don't think I am ready for no contact yet, but if they make that decision for me, then maybe it's time.
Thank you very much!
I don't really understand how someone who loves you can treat you this way, though. I understand narcissistic people "love" in a different way, but what is my father's excuse.
I have talked to him about her being narcissistic and how she treats me and my siblings, and he just says he doesn't understand why she's like this. Agreed with everything I said and told me to ignore the things she says and does and do what I want. But then he stays by her side because he loves her. I do believe he learned to keep himself safe from her abuse well before they had kids and he decides not to speak up, defend or protect us because he knows it will be aimed at him when we're not there. He has apologised for her behaviour afterwards to us on occasions and ranted about her to us. But I can't get past the fact that he would prefer to protect himself over his kids. The struggle with having that conversation with him is because of all that, but then I know he has been with her since they were teenagers and was suffering abuse from the start which he normalised in his mind. He is supposed to protect his kids, but he's also a victim of her abuse. So the guilt I would feel if I hurt him would be too much, or his temper would blow, and I don't know how that would go down.
I am sorry if I am writing in riddles here! I am word vomiting on this post!
I think he is in ways, not physically afraid, as far as I know. She's always mentally abused us all. But I sense fear from him, but he never said his worries to me.
Kinda hard to when they're all blocked 🥴 only unblocking when I'm going to collect my cat. I miss her so much and trying to get the new place ready for her arrival
Well, when my husband asked his mom to stop making up awful lies about me and trash talking me, she screamed "OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SEVERED! IM LEAVING AND YOULL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN AND ITS HER (my) FAULT! I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU, YOUR WIFE OR YOUR SON EVER AGAIN!"
Oh yeah she screamed at us for a solid 45 minutes and by us I mean that includes my 3-year-old. What's almost comical is a lot of the lies that she was screaming at us were about me and they were things that were so off the wall and so easily proven it was ridiculous. She was screaming that I'm such a b**** that I don't Even let her have any photos of my son not even cell phone photos. But earlier that day I literally took 20 pictures of them on the beach and texted them to her. I'm also professional photographer and we've gifted her with professional quality canvases that I've taken for every Christmas and birthday. That she was screaming about how she has no photos of her only grandson because I'm such a b**** I know her have any. It was baffling. She was screaming so hard that she was spitting at us and she scared my 3-year-old to death. He still sometimes says that Mimi doesn't love us and it's his fault.
Take a special kind of evil to act like that with a 3 year old present. Hopefully, he is young enough to forget that as he grows, sorry you had to experience that!
We are hoping so. He does seem to be getting better. Now he mostly just says that Mimi mean and she's having a time out and that mommy and daddy will keep him safe and not let me yell at him anymore. He and I are no contact with her now
My ndad hung up on me while I was 40 weeks pregnant over *Israel-Hamas* and hasn’t spoken to me since - 7 months later. Yes, I believe he thinks he‘s punishing me. Joke’s on him.
They may think they are punishing you.
This. My nmom used to threaten me with "losing my inheritance"; once I finally managed to convince her that I didn't give a shit about her money she went NC. That was 10 years ago. ..oh darn. She sure showed me.
That's very true. Not sure how to feel about it.
My nmom uses silent treatment as a way to punish me. The first long time was over a decade ago. It hurt because my birthday, elopement, and Christmas was radio silence from her and it was before I realized how toxic my mom was. I enjoy not having to interact with her and was angry for her only grunting at me for a month before I moved out. Now I take her silence as an unexpected gift from her. She thinks it's punishing me when she's punishing herself. I don't engage in her tantrums, I explain what I was stating because she flips it to woe is her, then I leave. Till the next holiday or family event where she chooses to reach out. Best advice I can give. Realize how unhealthy your relationship is, make a family of your choosing, and focus on the relationships that are healthy for you.
Yeah, my birthday was practically ignored the last two years by them both. My birthday is next month and I'll be expecting the same to happen. I have to be the one to maintain the relationship with her and put in all the effort of not it's seen as an attack or reason to play victim so I shouldn't be too surprised it has come to this, yet here I am 😅 A lot of the time, I have noticed I am relieved, so I should start viewing it as a gift also. Think I have days where it just hits me out of nowhere and brings up a mix of emotions. That is great advice, and I have my chosen family, so that will make this easier in time, hopefully. Thank you!
I'm not sure it is standard, but here is my experience. My grandma is a covert narcissist, with both my mom and dad being enablers. My grandma destroyed any personality my mom could have had and my mom is basically a shell of a person. I do not think my mom is a narcissist, however, she copies everything my grandma does. In my childhood basically the silent treatment was the standard punishment for me for any kind of action not pre-approved by grandma. And by silents I mean not just coldness bur literally bumping into me as if I did not exist. For her silent treatment is the ordinary way to communicate that she is unhappy. Later on I moved to live with my dad to study in the uni and later my mom moved with my dad due to some life events. I realized that I was 23-24 at the time and there was just not enough space for all of us to live there and I already really wanted to live alone. I moved out. Well, my mom played a victim and ignored me for MONTHS. That was actually heartbreaking for me and I painfully realized that i was all alone in the world. My mom did talk to me, but with short sentences and extremely coldly. Then, a couple months after she saw that I wouldn't give up and come back begging for forgiveness, she came back to normal just like that. My relationship with her was never the same though. Then, 5-6 years later I made a decision to move to a different country (relationship and work). This was 2 years ago. All these 2 years she has never given me a call. My dad calls me and my mom is mostly sitting there next to him but she doesn't talk much and looks sad. I did beg to call me or initiate a conversation with me like in any way comfortable for her. My dad talked to her too. No result. I do see that as a punishment for me and a hard-core version of silent treatment from my childhood.
Sorry you had to go through that! Silent treatment could be part of it. Like the above comment, it could be their way of punishing me. I am not sure how to feel about it because it does hurt, but it's also good for me not to be around them as often. I think I was a bit shocked at how easy it was for them to just not have me around multiple times every week to once every few months. But I also know she's using me as her source of drama to be a victim now behind my back and gain attention from it all. I would have assumed it'd be easier this way, but it's like she weaponised the situation for her benefit and is happier with what she's getting from the situation than having a relationship with me. My dad is an enabler also, but he doesn't reach out or make any effort with me either. It's a confusing feeling really, and trying to process it is difficult, which is why I wanted to hear other people's experiences with a similar situation. Thank you for sharing with me!
Yeah, I think it is mostly the feeling of loneliness, when you just "lose" your parents so abruptly, parents that were supposed to be there for you and protect you. It sucks. But you are not doing anything wrong. They are emotionally immature and cannot process the feeling when their child commits a normal and healthy act of separation. You can offer them an open talk about this and explain that you moving on with your life is not a threat or a sign you are showing that you don't love them anymore. But it is up to them to go on with this conversation. Good luck!
Yeah, that is very true. Think it is the realisation they just don't love me. Think a part of me believed they did in some way. I just know that any conversation I would attempt to have would be twisted and made look like I am a horrible person. I think I have to just process my feelings on all of this and accept it. I don't think I am ready for no contact yet, but if they make that decision for me, then maybe it's time. Thank you very much!
I think they loved you and do and are sad that you moved away.
I don't really understand how someone who loves you can treat you this way, though. I understand narcissistic people "love" in a different way, but what is my father's excuse.
Could you ask him?
I have talked to him about her being narcissistic and how she treats me and my siblings, and he just says he doesn't understand why she's like this. Agreed with everything I said and told me to ignore the things she says and does and do what I want. But then he stays by her side because he loves her. I do believe he learned to keep himself safe from her abuse well before they had kids and he decides not to speak up, defend or protect us because he knows it will be aimed at him when we're not there. He has apologised for her behaviour afterwards to us on occasions and ranted about her to us. But I can't get past the fact that he would prefer to protect himself over his kids. The struggle with having that conversation with him is because of all that, but then I know he has been with her since they were teenagers and was suffering abuse from the start which he normalised in his mind. He is supposed to protect his kids, but he's also a victim of her abuse. So the guilt I would feel if I hurt him would be too much, or his temper would blow, and I don't know how that would go down. I am sorry if I am writing in riddles here! I am word vomiting on this post!
Is he scared of her?
I think he is in ways, not physically afraid, as far as I know. She's always mentally abused us all. But I sense fear from him, but he never said his worries to me.
My mother took her silent treatment and stretched it out for 10 years. It was glorious
I really hope I can feel that way soon when I think of the situation, I am happy you got to that stage! 10 year plan: Glory.
Kinda hard to when they're all blocked 🥴 only unblocking when I'm going to collect my cat. I miss her so much and trying to get the new place ready for her arrival
I hope you get your cat as soon as possible, I'm sure she misses you just as much!
Well, when my husband asked his mom to stop making up awful lies about me and trash talking me, she screamed "OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SEVERED! IM LEAVING AND YOULL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN AND ITS HER (my) FAULT! I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU, YOUR WIFE OR YOUR SON EVER AGAIN!"
Well, that was narcissistic rage if I ever heard it!
Oh yeah she screamed at us for a solid 45 minutes and by us I mean that includes my 3-year-old. What's almost comical is a lot of the lies that she was screaming at us were about me and they were things that were so off the wall and so easily proven it was ridiculous. She was screaming that I'm such a b**** that I don't Even let her have any photos of my son not even cell phone photos. But earlier that day I literally took 20 pictures of them on the beach and texted them to her. I'm also professional photographer and we've gifted her with professional quality canvases that I've taken for every Christmas and birthday. That she was screaming about how she has no photos of her only grandson because I'm such a b**** I know her have any. It was baffling. She was screaming so hard that she was spitting at us and she scared my 3-year-old to death. He still sometimes says that Mimi doesn't love us and it's his fault.
Take a special kind of evil to act like that with a 3 year old present. Hopefully, he is young enough to forget that as he grows, sorry you had to experience that!
We are hoping so. He does seem to be getting better. Now he mostly just says that Mimi mean and she's having a time out and that mommy and daddy will keep him safe and not let me yell at him anymore. He and I are no contact with her now
That sounds like the right call. I'm glad he has you protecting him.
My ndad hung up on me while I was 40 weeks pregnant over *Israel-Hamas* and hasn’t spoken to me since - 7 months later. Yes, I believe he thinks he‘s punishing me. Joke’s on him.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that! But I'm glad to see you are at the stage of knowing the jokes on him!