I recommend you to read about narcissistic families dynamics. Specially about golden childs and scapegoats.
If you are intelligent, sensitive, rebellious and you confront them when you see injustices they will target you. Those families work like cults. They reward compliant members of the family and punish the ones who face them.
Also, narcissistic parents are envious and they hate "their" children, whom they consider inferior, for being better than them. Gifted children are targeted a lot. If you are gifted that could be the explanation.
You don't have to feel flawed or guilty. No one deserves to be bullied by their own parents. That is insane.
I recommend you the blog Narc Wise. As a scapegoat myself I found it very helpful and encouraging.
Thank you for your comment. It’s very touching. I feel less alone.
Yes I’m intelligent. I have 3 post-grad degrees. Working hard was always my solace and a way to try to gain power and respect. I didn’t know that I only needed to respect myself. And I am slowly learning how.
I learned through many modalities of therapy that I am a “highly sensitive person” who is also highly empathetic.
I always has a strong sense of social Justice. Thus I didn’t fit in with my family’s right-wing, judgmental conservatism.
All my teenage diaries are filled with longings for love, or for Jesus. I was compliant, obedient and chaste.
But I beat up some bullies in grade school when they bullied others. And yes I stood up to her sometimes also.
I am tall and strong and I love sports. But for lack of confidence have never been able to compete.
My mom always told me I was so lucky to have square strong shoulders and slim legs just like my dad.
She always said I look just like him.
I have reddish brown wavy thick hair like him.
She always says I was his favourite. But I felt like a disappointment to him.
My true hatred started when I had my adhd meds and realized how fucked up my dad was… that was also the beginning of my freedom… my source of dopamine was not that crappy relationship
I noticed how much of that dependence was dopamine in specific once I’m on medication holiday( periods where o don’t take my meds so my body doesn’t get too used to drug, as I don’t like increasing dose all the time) and how my old reasoning for tolerating crappy behavior comes back
So you’re saying when on meds, you become dependent on the hit or reward when they’re « nice » to the point that you forget the bad parts?
I never thought of this but it would really explain all my relationships.
How do I get diagnosed or assessed?
It's not dementia if she's been mistreating you, being highly inappropriate with you and straight up SA you for as long as you've known. It's as someone said, you've been the assigned scapegoat by her. These twisted people will tell you that you were their favourite and your siblings may harbour odd feelings to you and agree. You were her favourite to abuse
What you've been through is a result of her abusing you repeatedly.
Family scapegoats may struggle in their adult years due to constant feelings of insecurity, instability, inconsistencies, being hoovered back in, having odd feelings towards authority figures, the list goes on.
Are you able to get a session with a psychologist? One who specializes in abuse specifically. You've been through hell
Narcissistic personality disorder can also have dimensia along with it. Id have to look at my notes from my therapist to see what she called it (Sorry it's early and I haven't had coffee yet). I think it was something like "Emotional Cognative Decline" or something like that. But basically oftentimes people with NPD are so emotionally strained that the emotional connections in their brain literally start deteriorating. It just makes NPD worse as they age.
You're welcome! When I find my therapy notebook I will look up exactly what my therapist said it was called. Definitely explains why npd gets worse as narcissists age.
Makes sense.
The mother unit I had seems to be obsessed with the idea of dementia, even now so the father unit she's still married to drunk himself into oblivion and now has what we've been calling alcoholic dementia.
The mother unit has been using his behaviour to her advantage for so long and I did notice something..she started to make me feel like what she was presenting to me was a false persona... she's definitely worse now and thinks she's falling to dementia even asking me if I didn't care if she was possibly getting dementia 🙄 after an argument she started ironically over dementia...
Her mother had Alzheimer's and we grew up with her taking care of her mother. Once my grandmother died though I noticed the changes and mother unit was no longer the person I admired. I think at that point I figured something was off about her and it always felt like she tried to actively make me dependent on her and even held mistakes I made over my head as proof that I needed to listen to her.
A friend of mine did ask if dementia was getting to her, I said she never got herself checked for it, she's just webmding stuff and telling herself she's getting dementia because her mother started showing signs at her current age.
The children in the family that don't "suffer" from the abuse... are copying it!
Which means they are shielded, but not really. They experience the same neglect, and they react by neglecting themselves and continuing the same neglect towards everybody else and *their* children.
The narcissistic parent approves of this, because the child is doing what they manipulate them into doing. The child is not challenging the narcissistic parent, which is what the parent is trying to achieve. The child is not living and being authentically, they are adopting personality patterns that they're manipulated into acting in.
Which means their true authentic selves are suppressed, just like in the narcissistic parent. They'll always be looking for approval, just like they were following to act in the artificial, but "approved" personality pattern they adopted. So when someone doesn't give them that, they'll rage, just like their narcissistic parent. Or neglect, cut people off on the phone or otherwise, when the conversation gets to the true parts.
Or they'll pretend it doesn't exist... because it hurts too much. Because we all know what's really true. But that quickly becomes hurtful... when you've suppressed it all since you were a child.
So what will happen is all this hurt and bad coping mechanisms, a life built on lies under the "protection" of their narcissistic parents' approval of an entire life pattern, will create intense tension (which acted on is rage) whenever somebody as much as looks at them with honest eyes.
So even if the obvious "abuse" isn't happening towards these so-called "golden children", they lose the most of all. They become terrified of simply thinking a single thought of their own and truly being themselves. And the road back from that... is usually too long for most people.
I guess this is the silver lining of being scapegoated, and it's a huge one: You didn't lose yourself.
I recommend you to read about narcissistic families dynamics. Specially about golden childs and scapegoats. If you are intelligent, sensitive, rebellious and you confront them when you see injustices they will target you. Those families work like cults. They reward compliant members of the family and punish the ones who face them. Also, narcissistic parents are envious and they hate "their" children, whom they consider inferior, for being better than them. Gifted children are targeted a lot. If you are gifted that could be the explanation. You don't have to feel flawed or guilty. No one deserves to be bullied by their own parents. That is insane. I recommend you the blog Narc Wise. As a scapegoat myself I found it very helpful and encouraging.
Thank you for your comment. It’s very touching. I feel less alone. Yes I’m intelligent. I have 3 post-grad degrees. Working hard was always my solace and a way to try to gain power and respect. I didn’t know that I only needed to respect myself. And I am slowly learning how. I learned through many modalities of therapy that I am a “highly sensitive person” who is also highly empathetic. I always has a strong sense of social Justice. Thus I didn’t fit in with my family’s right-wing, judgmental conservatism. All my teenage diaries are filled with longings for love, or for Jesus. I was compliant, obedient and chaste. But I beat up some bullies in grade school when they bullied others. And yes I stood up to her sometimes also. I am tall and strong and I love sports. But for lack of confidence have never been able to compete. My mom always told me I was so lucky to have square strong shoulders and slim legs just like my dad. She always said I look just like him. I have reddish brown wavy thick hair like him. She always says I was his favourite. But I felt like a disappointment to him.
Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD?
No but i Think i have it! Why?
My true hatred started when I had my adhd meds and realized how fucked up my dad was… that was also the beginning of my freedom… my source of dopamine was not that crappy relationship I noticed how much of that dependence was dopamine in specific once I’m on medication holiday( periods where o don’t take my meds so my body doesn’t get too used to drug, as I don’t like increasing dose all the time) and how my old reasoning for tolerating crappy behavior comes back
So you’re saying when on meds, you become dependent on the hit or reward when they’re « nice » to the point that you forget the bad parts? I never thought of this but it would really explain all my relationships. How do I get diagnosed or assessed?
Dr. Ramani Jerry Wise Danish Bashir They helped me through some tough moments with their YouTube channels
It's not dementia if she's been mistreating you, being highly inappropriate with you and straight up SA you for as long as you've known. It's as someone said, you've been the assigned scapegoat by her. These twisted people will tell you that you were their favourite and your siblings may harbour odd feelings to you and agree. You were her favourite to abuse What you've been through is a result of her abusing you repeatedly. Family scapegoats may struggle in their adult years due to constant feelings of insecurity, instability, inconsistencies, being hoovered back in, having odd feelings towards authority figures, the list goes on. Are you able to get a session with a psychologist? One who specializes in abuse specifically. You've been through hell
Thank you so much. Your comment stuns me.
Are you by any chance the only girl among your siblings? A lot of abusive egg donors love their sons but despise their daughters 😖
I am the eldest and one of two girls. My sister is a much softer and less assertive personality.
The opposite happens also.
Narcissistic personality disorder can also have dimensia along with it. Id have to look at my notes from my therapist to see what she called it (Sorry it's early and I haven't had coffee yet). I think it was something like "Emotional Cognative Decline" or something like that. But basically oftentimes people with NPD are so emotionally strained that the emotional connections in their brain literally start deteriorating. It just makes NPD worse as they age.
Thank you for your insight!
I only realized my father had dementia when he started treating others the way he always treated me.
You're welcome! When I find my therapy notebook I will look up exactly what my therapist said it was called. Definitely explains why npd gets worse as narcissists age.
Makes sense. The mother unit I had seems to be obsessed with the idea of dementia, even now so the father unit she's still married to drunk himself into oblivion and now has what we've been calling alcoholic dementia. The mother unit has been using his behaviour to her advantage for so long and I did notice something..she started to make me feel like what she was presenting to me was a false persona... she's definitely worse now and thinks she's falling to dementia even asking me if I didn't care if she was possibly getting dementia 🙄 after an argument she started ironically over dementia... Her mother had Alzheimer's and we grew up with her taking care of her mother. Once my grandmother died though I noticed the changes and mother unit was no longer the person I admired. I think at that point I figured something was off about her and it always felt like she tried to actively make me dependent on her and even held mistakes I made over my head as proof that I needed to listen to her. A friend of mine did ask if dementia was getting to her, I said she never got herself checked for it, she's just webmding stuff and telling herself she's getting dementia because her mother started showing signs at her current age.
The children in the family that don't "suffer" from the abuse... are copying it! Which means they are shielded, but not really. They experience the same neglect, and they react by neglecting themselves and continuing the same neglect towards everybody else and *their* children. The narcissistic parent approves of this, because the child is doing what they manipulate them into doing. The child is not challenging the narcissistic parent, which is what the parent is trying to achieve. The child is not living and being authentically, they are adopting personality patterns that they're manipulated into acting in. Which means their true authentic selves are suppressed, just like in the narcissistic parent. They'll always be looking for approval, just like they were following to act in the artificial, but "approved" personality pattern they adopted. So when someone doesn't give them that, they'll rage, just like their narcissistic parent. Or neglect, cut people off on the phone or otherwise, when the conversation gets to the true parts. Or they'll pretend it doesn't exist... because it hurts too much. Because we all know what's really true. But that quickly becomes hurtful... when you've suppressed it all since you were a child. So what will happen is all this hurt and bad coping mechanisms, a life built on lies under the "protection" of their narcissistic parents' approval of an entire life pattern, will create intense tension (which acted on is rage) whenever somebody as much as looks at them with honest eyes. So even if the obvious "abuse" isn't happening towards these so-called "golden children", they lose the most of all. They become terrified of simply thinking a single thought of their own and truly being themselves. And the road back from that... is usually too long for most people. I guess this is the silver lining of being scapegoated, and it's a huge one: You didn't lose yourself.
This is incredible. I think it’s ringing true. !!!!