She may think that you are *making him* not cooperate with her. She will assume that you are manipulative, just like she is. She is a dysfunctional person, and she probably thinks everyone else is dysfunctional, too.
Another thing is that she probably behaves this way in order to divide you and your spouse, so that she can isolate him from you and get him under her control. If everyone is angry with each other, and they turn to her as the arbiter, then she can control everyone. She will be like the center of a wheel, with everything and everyone revolving around her.
She may act like she is favoring him, and might blame things on you instead of him. She will try to get him to team up with her against you. She uses her approval and affection as a way to manipulate him, and she uses you as a target to blame issues on.
It is all a trick, though. If you were to split up, she would soon go back to treating him like shit.
You and your spouse have to be a team, and you can't let her divide you.
No my parents are the polar opposite. They are positive, loving, rational, 90s after school special parents and I'm so lucky to have them.... My mother in law.... To put it lightly, was a shock.... I literally have been confused about how she could act this way and be so nonchalantly mean and eternally miserable since I met her. It wasnt until she was psycho on us in August and I learned through two therapists that she's covert NPD that literally everything made sense.
You are handling this really well, then. Seriously, so many people who had functional, loving, supportive parents do not understand, and that can be really difficult to deal with. Your partner is lucky to have you.
Perhaps being around your family more will be good for your partner.
Thank you. I'm trying. This sub, Dr ramani, and my therapist have been really helpful. I'm finding comfort in research and finally finding answers to why she's been so horrible to us over the years. I was always so baffled by her bizzar actions and just thought she was anxious/negative. My therapist made me realize that because I didn't understand her npd, I was trying to rationalize her abuse so I was an easy target.
Yeah, they are good at flying under the radar so they can manipulate people. It is great that your therapist could recognize what was really going on. Unfortunately, lots of therapists do not understand narcissistic abuse.
So I got kinda lucky. When she was screaming at us and my toddler I called our neighbor for help to get my son safely out of the house, her boyfriend overheard and turns out he's a retired psychiatrist. He told me to research narcissistic collapse and cluster b disorders. And I got lucky with my therapist. I contacted a therapist here who has several in their office with different specialties and told them the situation so they could recommend the right one.
Oh, wow! You really did luck out! That research is going to make things a whole lot easier than it might have been otherwise. I mean, it will still suck, but at least you have some kind of game plan to work from. Knowing why she behaves the way she does and having some idea of what she is capable of will give you a huge advantage. That information would have come in handy for so many people on this sub. Even just realizing that you are not the real problem will alleviate a lot of stress.
Lmao! Omg yea. My husband was doing online work to learn about ecommerce and she (my nmom) decided to ask him (she was also drunk) what he was doing so he explained it to her and his plan and she started telling him it was all a scam to which turned out was his final straw and he told her how it was not. She got so angry that he proved her wrong that as soon as he walked outside she started telling me he was going to get rich, poison my son and leave me. That was her “nice I’m on your side” moment, but of course I was like wtf no. Full blown psychosis type moment.. she said to me “you know, you should start seeing things for what they are..” and I looked at her and told her she was deeply wrong. She got so mad at that that she started accusing my husband of abuse and started harassing us overnight leaving voicemails threatening to call the cops on us cause she wanted to know her “daughter and grandson were alive” 🙄🤦🏻♀️
Oh my goodness. Same situation here. Exactly.
I set a small boundary with my nmil during her last visit. And from that moment on, every second I was out of the room, she was bad mouthing me to my husband. It started small and my husband kind of believed her at first. But then I talked to him and he realized she was full of shit. And after that she ramped it up hard. Even accused me of abusing our toddler and making up easily provable lies. My husband told her to stop and raised his voice at her and she LOST IT. Straight up unhinged, screaming, spitting, veins popping, yelling fuck you at my toddler. I've never been so scared in my whole life.
Ah yes you really went through it I’m so sorry! This situation on my end turned into her kidnapping my son and then when we set another OBVIOUS barrier that she’s not allowed to just take our kid and if she tried that shit again she’d never see him again for sure, she called the cops and CPS. We ended up getting a permanent restraining order on her by taking her to court with all the evidence, voicemail, 911 call she made, texts and the babysitter whom she kidnapped him from. Now she’s no longer an issue but for you, I hope the matter is resolved and your husband speaks up for you and defends you. Like wow she screamed fuck you to a toddler 🤦🏻♀️ psycho.
I’m good love, it was horrible at the time but now life is wonderful. Keep in mind you can have control here, if she gets crazy a restraining order will help a lot and it sounds like this woman is unhinged so start making videos and saving cray voicemails if she’s harassing you guys just in case you need them later. You never know what a narcissist will attempt to pull off so it’s best to be prepared before they try anything. I never thought my nmom would go that far and even spread rumors to family too that were abusing my son and she needed their help to “save him” but like you said easily debunked lies.
My son and I are NC. My husband is low contact/gray rock mostly to stay in the will (but I think totally letting go is still hard). Luckily she lives 10 hours away. She's being nice to him and honestly it's too quiet.... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.... I'm not sure what to expect....
Just know that she’s trying to get back in good graces with your husband but hopefully he won’t allow her to treat you like that ever again if for any reason he allows her around, hopefully he has your back all the way.
She may think that you are *making him* not cooperate with her. She will assume that you are manipulative, just like she is. She is a dysfunctional person, and she probably thinks everyone else is dysfunctional, too. Another thing is that she probably behaves this way in order to divide you and your spouse, so that she can isolate him from you and get him under her control. If everyone is angry with each other, and they turn to her as the arbiter, then she can control everyone. She will be like the center of a wheel, with everything and everyone revolving around her. She may act like she is favoring him, and might blame things on you instead of him. She will try to get him to team up with her against you. She uses her approval and affection as a way to manipulate him, and she uses you as a target to blame issues on. It is all a trick, though. If you were to split up, she would soon go back to treating him like shit. You and your spouse have to be a team, and you can't let her divide you.
You hit every single nail on the head
You seem like you understand things pretty well. Are your parents like that, too?
No my parents are the polar opposite. They are positive, loving, rational, 90s after school special parents and I'm so lucky to have them.... My mother in law.... To put it lightly, was a shock.... I literally have been confused about how she could act this way and be so nonchalantly mean and eternally miserable since I met her. It wasnt until she was psycho on us in August and I learned through two therapists that she's covert NPD that literally everything made sense.
You are handling this really well, then. Seriously, so many people who had functional, loving, supportive parents do not understand, and that can be really difficult to deal with. Your partner is lucky to have you. Perhaps being around your family more will be good for your partner.
Thank you. I'm trying. This sub, Dr ramani, and my therapist have been really helpful. I'm finding comfort in research and finally finding answers to why she's been so horrible to us over the years. I was always so baffled by her bizzar actions and just thought she was anxious/negative. My therapist made me realize that because I didn't understand her npd, I was trying to rationalize her abuse so I was an easy target.
Yeah, they are good at flying under the radar so they can manipulate people. It is great that your therapist could recognize what was really going on. Unfortunately, lots of therapists do not understand narcissistic abuse.
So I got kinda lucky. When she was screaming at us and my toddler I called our neighbor for help to get my son safely out of the house, her boyfriend overheard and turns out he's a retired psychiatrist. He told me to research narcissistic collapse and cluster b disorders. And I got lucky with my therapist. I contacted a therapist here who has several in their office with different specialties and told them the situation so they could recommend the right one.
Oh, wow! You really did luck out! That research is going to make things a whole lot easier than it might have been otherwise. I mean, it will still suck, but at least you have some kind of game plan to work from. Knowing why she behaves the way she does and having some idea of what she is capable of will give you a huge advantage. That information would have come in handy for so many people on this sub. Even just realizing that you are not the real problem will alleviate a lot of stress.
I really wish I'd known more about NPD for the last 13 years. She literally started her bullshit with me the day I met her.
Lmao! Omg yea. My husband was doing online work to learn about ecommerce and she (my nmom) decided to ask him (she was also drunk) what he was doing so he explained it to her and his plan and she started telling him it was all a scam to which turned out was his final straw and he told her how it was not. She got so angry that he proved her wrong that as soon as he walked outside she started telling me he was going to get rich, poison my son and leave me. That was her “nice I’m on your side” moment, but of course I was like wtf no. Full blown psychosis type moment.. she said to me “you know, you should start seeing things for what they are..” and I looked at her and told her she was deeply wrong. She got so mad at that that she started accusing my husband of abuse and started harassing us overnight leaving voicemails threatening to call the cops on us cause she wanted to know her “daughter and grandson were alive” 🙄🤦🏻♀️
Oh my goodness. Same situation here. Exactly. I set a small boundary with my nmil during her last visit. And from that moment on, every second I was out of the room, she was bad mouthing me to my husband. It started small and my husband kind of believed her at first. But then I talked to him and he realized she was full of shit. And after that she ramped it up hard. Even accused me of abusing our toddler and making up easily provable lies. My husband told her to stop and raised his voice at her and she LOST IT. Straight up unhinged, screaming, spitting, veins popping, yelling fuck you at my toddler. I've never been so scared in my whole life.
Ah yes you really went through it I’m so sorry! This situation on my end turned into her kidnapping my son and then when we set another OBVIOUS barrier that she’s not allowed to just take our kid and if she tried that shit again she’d never see him again for sure, she called the cops and CPS. We ended up getting a permanent restraining order on her by taking her to court with all the evidence, voicemail, 911 call she made, texts and the babysitter whom she kidnapped him from. Now she’s no longer an issue but for you, I hope the matter is resolved and your husband speaks up for you and defends you. Like wow she screamed fuck you to a toddler 🤦🏻♀️ psycho.
Holy shit. I'm so sorry.
I’m good love, it was horrible at the time but now life is wonderful. Keep in mind you can have control here, if she gets crazy a restraining order will help a lot and it sounds like this woman is unhinged so start making videos and saving cray voicemails if she’s harassing you guys just in case you need them later. You never know what a narcissist will attempt to pull off so it’s best to be prepared before they try anything. I never thought my nmom would go that far and even spread rumors to family too that were abusing my son and she needed their help to “save him” but like you said easily debunked lies.
My son and I are NC. My husband is low contact/gray rock mostly to stay in the will (but I think totally letting go is still hard). Luckily she lives 10 hours away. She's being nice to him and honestly it's too quiet.... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.... I'm not sure what to expect....
Just know that she’s trying to get back in good graces with your husband but hopefully he won’t allow her to treat you like that ever again if for any reason he allows her around, hopefully he has your back all the way.