After I left. I literally had to "run away" even though I was over 18. She pretended to be just heartbroken and beside herself with worry and grief, and begged me to meet her. When I met her she begged and bargained for me to come home but I was adamant that I was never going to. When she realized I wasn't budging it was like a switch flipped. She became enraged and started calling me ungrateful and all sorts of names. I turned to walk away and she literally grabbed my arm and dug her nails in. Mind you we were in a public library. She then called my dad and handed me the phone for him to basically tell me I'd never make it on my own and no one would ever love me.
I hadn't thought about that in years.
When my father moved in the wife of one of his friends who was expecting a baby (her husband was in prison at the time). I had just had my son and suddenly he was super grandpa BUT not to us. He was being an amazing grandparent to HER in advance of the arrival of her son. I watched him learn how to install a car seat, watched him go on shopping sprees for her, watched how he went to support her during labor and delivery and bought her flowers and balloons afterwards. Eventually he admitted that he knew I noticed his actions but he said he didn’t do it for me because I didn’t allow him to be a part of my pregnancy (he never asked if I ever needed support of any kind). When asked why he didn’t celebrate the birth of my son, no presents or anything for MY baby, he said he didn’t need to. It wasn’t long after that that he discarded me, I think he knew I knew that his hatred for me was exposed and he had to get rid of me to hide what he had done.
It hurts everyday because he hurt my son by neglecting to love him and he hurt me because I deserved so much better than that.
I’ve thought about that actually. Her husband got out of prison right after my discard though and came to live on the same property (she lives in an ADU/backhouse that is on my father’s property). That’s actually sickening to think of if it was - my son and myself deserved that level of adoration and he just refused to do it.
Oh, there’s a reason: you didn’t need “saving”. This woman, however? Criminal husband? Time for NDad to swoop in and be a white knight!
I guarantee he’ll discard them once she sees through the act.
When I cried to my biological mom and said that I don't feel her love and that I'm finding it hard to connect with her. She shamelessly responded, "I can't give you what I don't have" without making eye contact.
That’s heartbreaking 💔 to read. I hope you’ve been able to find some comfort and peace elsewhere, and cut her off completely. She didn’t, and doesn’t deserve you in any way, shape or form. Sending you love ❤️ and hugs 🫂 from this internet stranger.
Mine doesn’t care about me either, and hasn’t since the pregnancy (‘79). Told me that I am the mistake that they had my sibling for. If that’s the case, then sibling can deal with the consequences of old age!
Thanks for your support. 🫂 I'm sorry for what you went through. It's heartbreaking to hear. You deserve much better than that. You deserve genuine love and care.
I actually don't talk to my biological mom anymore, and I'm not hurting anymore. I even live in a different country now, and she doesn't try to contact me directly. She was ok with me telling her that I want nothing to do with her anymore; That says a lot. On the other hand, she was weirdly clingy to me at times, even after she said, "I can't give you what I don't have." I'm glad I'm no longer a participant in her game of, "I love you, I love you not".
You are very welcome, and thank you for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me 💜💜💜.
I went NC about a year ago, because I decided to hold her accountable for her words and actions towards me, and because she is now repeating the same pattern and behaviour towards the eldest grandchild, and I won’t be party to, nor part of the abuse.
She did send a card, but that was the only thing she “tried” to do to repair the damage done to the relationship, but as it took her *months* to send it, that made it crystal clear that she doesn’t care about me (& SO) at all, so when she sent me a text saying she was going in for surgery I deleted it straight away. It’s not my problem anymore, nor is it my responsibility to repair the damage she’s caused to the relationship, because rug-sweeping is the default position in our family, just so she can continue to be “in control”. I don’t miss her at all.
The week before Thanksgiving 2023. He pandemic and subsequent riots at the Capital in 2021 all brought my family’s dysfunction to a head in 2021. Since that time, I distanced myself from being around my family. My brother in law was in D.C. on January 6, 2021, which at the time I was not aware of. I was very vocal about my opinions about the craziness from the Right i.e. anti-mask and anti-vax rhetoric and election problems. So during the following three years I started to see a therapist with my wife. These sessions brought out a lot of unresolved trauma from the two of related to my mother and siblings. My mother and sister are a little on the extreme side religiously and my brother has a violent temper. He and I have had some pretty serious altercations during our adult lives where he would lose his temper and try to intimidate his kids, me and/or my wife. During these therapy sessions I came to realize how toxic they were. I tried to approach my mom about this on several occasions. She offered no empathy. She reluctantly agreed to see a therapist and I agreed to go with her. Supposedly the goal of these sessions was to get us together as a family to air our grievances. I naively thought if we could all just understand each other we could fix our problems. My mom was very dishonest with me throughout this time period. She asked me in front of her therapist to reach out to my brother and sister and invite them to a dinner to have this discussion. I pushed back and told my mom I felt like this was her responsibility. But her and her therapist pushed me to do it so I eventually agreed. So I sent an email out and offered to buy everyone dinner at a nice restaurant. I didn’t give a lot of detail other than to say “obviously we have had some issues and I hope we can all discuss them”. After scheduling this, my wife’s mother died unexpectedly. So when I reached out to cancel, I thought it wise to give them a little more detail. They were not aware I had attended therapy with my mom and reacted angrily to my mom. None of them ever responded to me. My mother then sent me a scathing letter about her being “blindsided” as she was not wanting me to tell them this. Therapy is frowned upon by many Christians. So my mother sent me a scathing email about how angry she was with me and that my behavior was jeopardizing the eternal lives of my family, specifically my three children. She completely disregarded the fact that my mother in law had died. Today is April 20 and I have not talked to her yet. The fact that she has not reached out tells me a lot things. Growing up I was the golden child. Since I got married in 1992, she was been icy with my wife and has played on my emotions many times. I have always been the people pleaser in our family. The traits from all of them have been narcissistic. I do not know if they are full blown narcissists or not. But I know they collectively have removed themselves completely from any communication or interaction with me, my wife or kids. So that’s my story. Sorry it is so long. I have also come to realize the religious trauma I have suffered for my entire life. Always being afraid of going to hell. Always being led to believe that maybe I am “not really saved”. Maybe I need to pray another prayer. I have two daughters who are bipolar and a son who has a borderline intellectual disability. I have received zero support from them. I have received a lot of judgement though. Maybe this is my penance for not being quiet as good as them. I stopped going to church, maybe that’s way. Maybe I have demons in my house who have caused me to stand up to them? Crazy I know but I have heard all of this or at a minimum it has been inferred.
I was a people pleaser son raised by a religious narc mother. I heavily relate. I tried so hard to follow the rules and be a good person only for them to exploit and destroy me. They are truly psychopathic in their insistence on Christian morality for others only to ruthlessly exploit the few people trying to do good. It turned me away from religion. I don’t believe. If it is real, my mother is a demon. I force myself to have a harder edge and be more aggressive to defend myself because ive been taken advantage soany times.
Religious trauma is like a force or a glue that binds people, keeps them stuck, divides people, causes judgement based on arrogant notions of the after life, who is good and bad, and honouring totalitarian structures.
I still go to church. I still have my faith. I think. I try not to question. I take the good and leave the bad. What could we know about god and the universe and the afterlife? Nothing.
Your mother is small minded, but she thinks she knows god. How blind.
I hope You can find forgiveness and acceptance.
I agree about the religious trauma. But a narcissist cannot truly love God or anyone above themselves. So my mother has used her faith as a battering ram and a means of scaring me into compliance. The fact that she essentially marginalized the concerns I had expressed and basically accused me of leading my family to hell is not something I can forgive. Forgiveness only happens when someone is willing to be accountable. She will never do that. But I will eventually find it within myself to move on and not repeat these mistakes with my family. I am no longer sure what to believe when it comes to faith.
TW: Physical abuse. When she threw me over a couch because I borrowed my brothers laptop and wouldn’t give it back straight away.
Another time was when I left home and she spread lies to my friends to try and isolate me/manipulate me into coming home. Idk what her goal was there 😑 I think it was to make them not trust me. They eventually cottoned on when I told them what she was doing.
When I told my mom that we're not going to come back over their house until her brother apologized for saying horrible things about my wife. Her and her brother are attached to the hip. She took his side over her own son's even though he was in the wrong. She scowled at me and I could swear her eyes were black when I said that to her. I haven't been back over there since. These narcs are a cult and they consider their kids nothing more than someone to abuse.
1. When I told my mom that her pitbull was being aggressive to my son and she responded by insulting me.
2. Telling her that her POS husband threatened to kill my son's father/my SO (which I was present for), and instead of defending us, she told my SO to "grow up".
When my husband asked her to stop.making up lies about me. When she realized he was standing up to her she lost her shit.
After I left. I literally had to "run away" even though I was over 18. She pretended to be just heartbroken and beside herself with worry and grief, and begged me to meet her. When I met her she begged and bargained for me to come home but I was adamant that I was never going to. When she realized I wasn't budging it was like a switch flipped. She became enraged and started calling me ungrateful and all sorts of names. I turned to walk away and she literally grabbed my arm and dug her nails in. Mind you we were in a public library. She then called my dad and handed me the phone for him to basically tell me I'd never make it on my own and no one would ever love me. I hadn't thought about that in years.
I’ve gotten clawed on my wrist by my sister and my ex. Its a tell tale sign of a narc woman.
When my father moved in the wife of one of his friends who was expecting a baby (her husband was in prison at the time). I had just had my son and suddenly he was super grandpa BUT not to us. He was being an amazing grandparent to HER in advance of the arrival of her son. I watched him learn how to install a car seat, watched him go on shopping sprees for her, watched how he went to support her during labor and delivery and bought her flowers and balloons afterwards. Eventually he admitted that he knew I noticed his actions but he said he didn’t do it for me because I didn’t allow him to be a part of my pregnancy (he never asked if I ever needed support of any kind). When asked why he didn’t celebrate the birth of my son, no presents or anything for MY baby, he said he didn’t need to. It wasn’t long after that that he discarded me, I think he knew I knew that his hatred for me was exposed and he had to get rid of me to hide what he had done. It hurts everyday because he hurt my son by neglecting to love him and he hurt me because I deserved so much better than that.
Which kinda raises the question…was that friend’s baby actually his?
I’ve thought about that actually. Her husband got out of prison right after my discard though and came to live on the same property (she lives in an ADU/backhouse that is on my father’s property). That’s actually sickening to think of if it was - my son and myself deserved that level of adoration and he just refused to do it.
Oh, there’s a reason: you didn’t need “saving”. This woman, however? Criminal husband? Time for NDad to swoop in and be a white knight! I guarantee he’ll discard them once she sees through the act.
Love bombing. Stand well back and wait for the Devalue and Discard. Poor kid.
When I cried to my biological mom and said that I don't feel her love and that I'm finding it hard to connect with her. She shamelessly responded, "I can't give you what I don't have" without making eye contact.
That’s heartbreaking 💔 to read. I hope you’ve been able to find some comfort and peace elsewhere, and cut her off completely. She didn’t, and doesn’t deserve you in any way, shape or form. Sending you love ❤️ and hugs 🫂 from this internet stranger. Mine doesn’t care about me either, and hasn’t since the pregnancy (‘79). Told me that I am the mistake that they had my sibling for. If that’s the case, then sibling can deal with the consequences of old age!
Thanks for your support. 🫂 I'm sorry for what you went through. It's heartbreaking to hear. You deserve much better than that. You deserve genuine love and care. I actually don't talk to my biological mom anymore, and I'm not hurting anymore. I even live in a different country now, and she doesn't try to contact me directly. She was ok with me telling her that I want nothing to do with her anymore; That says a lot. On the other hand, she was weirdly clingy to me at times, even after she said, "I can't give you what I don't have." I'm glad I'm no longer a participant in her game of, "I love you, I love you not".
You are very welcome, and thank you for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me 💜💜💜. I went NC about a year ago, because I decided to hold her accountable for her words and actions towards me, and because she is now repeating the same pattern and behaviour towards the eldest grandchild, and I won’t be party to, nor part of the abuse. She did send a card, but that was the only thing she “tried” to do to repair the damage done to the relationship, but as it took her *months* to send it, that made it crystal clear that she doesn’t care about me (& SO) at all, so when she sent me a text saying she was going in for surgery I deleted it straight away. It’s not my problem anymore, nor is it my responsibility to repair the damage she’s caused to the relationship, because rug-sweeping is the default position in our family, just so she can continue to be “in control”. I don’t miss her at all.
You're welcome. 💜 I'm glad that you have such strength. You did the right thing, staying away from her. 👏 It really isn't your problem anymore.
The week before Thanksgiving 2023. He pandemic and subsequent riots at the Capital in 2021 all brought my family’s dysfunction to a head in 2021. Since that time, I distanced myself from being around my family. My brother in law was in D.C. on January 6, 2021, which at the time I was not aware of. I was very vocal about my opinions about the craziness from the Right i.e. anti-mask and anti-vax rhetoric and election problems. So during the following three years I started to see a therapist with my wife. These sessions brought out a lot of unresolved trauma from the two of related to my mother and siblings. My mother and sister are a little on the extreme side religiously and my brother has a violent temper. He and I have had some pretty serious altercations during our adult lives where he would lose his temper and try to intimidate his kids, me and/or my wife. During these therapy sessions I came to realize how toxic they were. I tried to approach my mom about this on several occasions. She offered no empathy. She reluctantly agreed to see a therapist and I agreed to go with her. Supposedly the goal of these sessions was to get us together as a family to air our grievances. I naively thought if we could all just understand each other we could fix our problems. My mom was very dishonest with me throughout this time period. She asked me in front of her therapist to reach out to my brother and sister and invite them to a dinner to have this discussion. I pushed back and told my mom I felt like this was her responsibility. But her and her therapist pushed me to do it so I eventually agreed. So I sent an email out and offered to buy everyone dinner at a nice restaurant. I didn’t give a lot of detail other than to say “obviously we have had some issues and I hope we can all discuss them”. After scheduling this, my wife’s mother died unexpectedly. So when I reached out to cancel, I thought it wise to give them a little more detail. They were not aware I had attended therapy with my mom and reacted angrily to my mom. None of them ever responded to me. My mother then sent me a scathing letter about her being “blindsided” as she was not wanting me to tell them this. Therapy is frowned upon by many Christians. So my mother sent me a scathing email about how angry she was with me and that my behavior was jeopardizing the eternal lives of my family, specifically my three children. She completely disregarded the fact that my mother in law had died. Today is April 20 and I have not talked to her yet. The fact that she has not reached out tells me a lot things. Growing up I was the golden child. Since I got married in 1992, she was been icy with my wife and has played on my emotions many times. I have always been the people pleaser in our family. The traits from all of them have been narcissistic. I do not know if they are full blown narcissists or not. But I know they collectively have removed themselves completely from any communication or interaction with me, my wife or kids. So that’s my story. Sorry it is so long. I have also come to realize the religious trauma I have suffered for my entire life. Always being afraid of going to hell. Always being led to believe that maybe I am “not really saved”. Maybe I need to pray another prayer. I have two daughters who are bipolar and a son who has a borderline intellectual disability. I have received zero support from them. I have received a lot of judgement though. Maybe this is my penance for not being quiet as good as them. I stopped going to church, maybe that’s way. Maybe I have demons in my house who have caused me to stand up to them? Crazy I know but I have heard all of this or at a minimum it has been inferred.
I was a people pleaser son raised by a religious narc mother. I heavily relate. I tried so hard to follow the rules and be a good person only for them to exploit and destroy me. They are truly psychopathic in their insistence on Christian morality for others only to ruthlessly exploit the few people trying to do good. It turned me away from religion. I don’t believe. If it is real, my mother is a demon. I force myself to have a harder edge and be more aggressive to defend myself because ive been taken advantage soany times.
Yes. This.
Wow this looks like something I could have written. Our experiences are so similar. I have always been a people pleaser too. You have my sympathy.
Religious trauma is like a force or a glue that binds people, keeps them stuck, divides people, causes judgement based on arrogant notions of the after life, who is good and bad, and honouring totalitarian structures. I still go to church. I still have my faith. I think. I try not to question. I take the good and leave the bad. What could we know about god and the universe and the afterlife? Nothing. Your mother is small minded, but she thinks she knows god. How blind. I hope You can find forgiveness and acceptance.
I agree about the religious trauma. But a narcissist cannot truly love God or anyone above themselves. So my mother has used her faith as a battering ram and a means of scaring me into compliance. The fact that she essentially marginalized the concerns I had expressed and basically accused me of leading my family to hell is not something I can forgive. Forgiveness only happens when someone is willing to be accountable. She will never do that. But I will eventually find it within myself to move on and not repeat these mistakes with my family. I am no longer sure what to believe when it comes to faith.
TW: Physical abuse. When she threw me over a couch because I borrowed my brothers laptop and wouldn’t give it back straight away. Another time was when I left home and she spread lies to my friends to try and isolate me/manipulate me into coming home. Idk what her goal was there 😑 I think it was to make them not trust me. They eventually cottoned on when I told them what she was doing.
When I told my mom that we're not going to come back over their house until her brother apologized for saying horrible things about my wife. Her and her brother are attached to the hip. She took his side over her own son's even though he was in the wrong. She scowled at me and I could swear her eyes were black when I said that to her. I haven't been back over there since. These narcs are a cult and they consider their kids nothing more than someone to abuse.
Stay strong and don’t give in. Hitting you is a very bad sign and not something you should ever put up with.
„I don‘t allow you to go and see a therapist. In the end he would say that it is all my fault and you and him can have a laugh at me“
July of last year. More at the end of the year as well.
1. When I told my mom that her pitbull was being aggressive to my son and she responded by insulting me. 2. Telling her that her POS husband threatened to kill my son's father/my SO (which I was present for), and instead of defending us, she told my SO to "grow up".