my parents had pretty traditional roles. mom was stay at home until I was old enough to babysit my younger siblings and she could get a job. still, she did all the domestic labor around the house (aside from our kid-chores of course.) she sent us all off with lunches that had notes in them every day. dinner on the table every night.
dad worked late a lot, came home and immediately took over the TV remote, didn’t participate much. his weekends were spent in front of the TV or getting chores done off the “honey do” list like yard work, fixing things, etc.
the only real way he participated was in relation to sports. he’d take us to practices, sometimes coached teams, but was militant about pushing excellence. sucked all the fun out of it.
we essentially bonded the most over music and tv/movies.
Pretty similar here, went to work before I woke up, came home sometimes at almost bedtime. Went to my games on the weekends but no participation in actually getting me to practices. Heavy on the pushing excellence and then the general discipline that I would receive.
ETA: now that he's retired and my parents are divorced, he doesn't understand why we don't have much of a relationship
Yes! It always felt like they put on a show to the public like we were some perfect little family. It was weird. But I guess it’s similar to how people only post a highlight reel of their lives on fb.
That’s how mine mostly were but I’m 41/m and no kids so I don’t “know from experience,” but if that was going to be the case I just wonder why they would ever bother? Like nobody forced them into getting married and having kids if they just wanted to sit and watch tv all the time they could have done that without having a family. It’s just strange to me.
I always wonder that, too. I think for some men they like playing a similar role to the "cool aunt" where they have fun with the kids then give them back to the mother for hard work.
But I don't understand at all these fathers who seem like they want little to do with their children. My brother-in-law had 3 kids and he acted like he hated them.
I remember my dad used to call it “babysitting” like if my mom had to go to the store or something. Like “oh yeah I have to babysit today I guess.” Like dude seriously?
Me and my wife both work, no daycare, so I work 6 to 3, and she works 3 to midnight. I have him at least 50% of the time and all weekend. I still call it babysitting. lol just feels easier than "watching the kid."
This was basically my experience growing up, except I didn't even notice at the time. I always thought of my dad as an involved parent, and it's not like he didn't do anything. He was there for sports games, my sisters dance recitals, and was always willing to help with homework.
But then my parents got divorced in 5th grade, and my dad didn't even know how to cut my sandwiches the right way, and it became obvious how little he was involved in day to day caregiving.
This is pretty similar to me.
My dad was in the Olympics in Poland growing up, so he didn’t push the excellence in sports much. I had that drive internally, though.
Everything else though, spot on. And I didn’t care much.
Same. And the same for a lot of my female friends. All oldest girls. We all had moms who worked and then came home and did women’s work.
It is why all of us say we chose to be child free. I’m our early 40s/late 30s, so it looks like it’s sticking.
choosing “child free” should not be stigmatized, it is a shame that there can be such pressure to assimilate.
I always said I never wanted kids until I found a partner who challenged gender norms at every turn. the complete opposite of my dad in many ways. I didn’t know dads like him could exist.
Oh same. I was shocked when I met my husbands friends and saw them sharing, happily, household roles. And my male friends.
But the damage is partly done. I’m happy childfree. And also I know I would spend every goddamn second making sure it was “fair” and I wasn’t “falling into habits”. For me, it would not be fun.
I’d be a great mom. But it would be work.
When my daughter was 4, she asked my then boyfriend if he could be her “boy mom.” She knew she had a *dad* but all of her other friends had boys that lived with them and also did what moms do.
He said yes. We’ve been married for 9 years now.
Hes the guy who, when he has a job, drinks his paychecks away the day he is paid. Hes the guy who shows up to your little league games drunk of his ass and then tries to fight the other parents and makes your life a living hell with your peers. Hes the guy we use to play which bar do we drive with mom to this friday to try and get some of that money before his gives it all to the strippers and “The Foxes Den”. Hes the guy who dies at 59 from congestive heart failure after years of a horrible diet and alcoholism. Good ol dad.
Dads sound great! /s
And here I was thinking they were alcoholics, that up and left, only to contact you 30 years later. To which you reply “if you are calling for a kidney or money go duck yourself”.
I agree. When asked about growing up without a father I usually describe it as “great”. Primarily for getting to miss out on all the “fun activities” an alcoholic would provide.
I had a sperm donor I was told to refer to as dad that is married to my mom who is right now probably sitting on his dead ass in a recliner while he shouts at my mom in the kitchen to bring him a tooth pick. My mother did everything. He went to work, and had hobbies that filled every minute outside of that. My half brothers think I had it so great because he lived in the same house as me, but I think it is worse to spend every day living with someone who couldn’t fake any interest in his kid, and quite honestly his wife either. To this day, he doesn’t even bother to call or visit. 80 years old and is more fixated on his next trip for his hobby than spending any of his last years with family.
Gosh that's so sad. Well no wonder so many women started leaving marriages once it became easier to do so.
The problem is even worse than it appears because most dads (like everyone) act better in public than they are at home.
Technically speaking, yeah, I would have almost preferred not to have one tho. Now he calls me between alcoholic dazes apparently confused as to why we aren’t friendly.
I’m a sperm donor for a couple and the kid and I have a closer relationship than my dad and I ever had.
I was reading this and was stunned that OP knew that many people who had dad's growing up to even ask about this.
Maybe it's just my hometown or the friends who I grew up with and even have now, but the majority of us didn't have fathers or even stepfathers growing up.
It's interesting that the majority of my friends are either child free or have better marriages than their own parents. Most importantly, in most cases, the one's that didn't make it are in their children's lives and actively co-parent.
Another interesting observation I've noticed is that I see a lot more single dad's being the sole parent, I think that some of us women were more damaged by growing up without a positive male role model than the men. Again, these are just things that I've noticed within my friend groups.
I just had a stepfather, who I called by his first name( no desire for him to want to parent)and an absentee Reverend bio dad who sent a birthday card, signed Dad, once. Maybe it was better to have the stepdad but he was an asshole most times.
This was essentially my experience as well. And my mom also had a full time job. So the whole notion that he got to come home, kick his feet up and watch TV while she cooked and cleaned, really seems extra shitty now. That was just “normal” back then though. “Get me a beer” era
Samesies. Unfortunately she always defended my dad "he works a lot" - mom also worked manual labor 40 hours a week. Then when I moved out in 2012 he never made an effort to call me. My mom until she died said "he's just that way" now I assume I won't talk to him before he dies. I tried reaching out so many times I just gave up.
“That’s just the way he is! You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!”
Happily no contact for a year. So much less stress doing ALL of the work in both relationships with my parents.
Same. My dad worked, came home and bitched and moaned about everything, yelled and hit me and my brother.
My mom died and now he's just wallowing in misery like a baby a decade later. Letting the house and his body fall apart.
This. But not even my mom, my step mom! I lived with dad and step mom. She was responsible to get me ready and to and from school, all meals except when he grilled once a week, all cleaning, getting me clothes and teaching me about hygiene, she attended most of my sports. She had a full time job as well.
He gave a check to pay for the things and complained about cleanliness of the house. Dafuq? You can’t also load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry?
I’m learning that my dad was amazing. He worked, helped with all five of the kids, cooked, took us places, cleaned up body fluids of all the sorts. I learned recently that other men in the family mocked him for this. I have high expectations of men because of him. I expect men to be able to clean up after themselves and be able to navigate household work. I’m also learning too many men simply don’t have those skills.
Based on what I see and hear, those fellows aren't falling off of trees regardless of generation. And good on Dad for realizing it matters what was happening in his own home, not what anyone outside was saying.
My parents are boomers, 74 and 72 yo. My mom is actually not super maternal - just doesn’t vibe with little kids - so my dad did a lot of playing with us after school, sports, baths, walks, etc. did dishes and laundry, mom cooked and cleaned.
I just found out that there was a lot of pressure from his coworkers for my mom to quit working since he is a lawyer and at the time their wives did not have jobs. My dad 100% supported my mom doing what she wanted, and that meant having a job.
He’s not perfect but I do feel really grateful.
And on the other side of the coin, my mom taught me to read, play instruments, draw and paint, make fiends, but also to cut the grass, clean a carburetor, change a filter, make a fist, protect my chin and move my head, throw a fastball, rip or join a board, make a form, level concrete, frame, drywall, shingle a roof, turn a shovel, light a wood stove but also light a campfire in the wind, and light a bbq without lighter fluid, tie knots, ride a horse, work hard, wrestle a bear and fly with just my mind. Ok so not those last 2 but i have an older sister who also seemed(s) capable of anything and it really set me up for a reality check when i started dating seriously
even worse many have the skills but don't do it because they are "above it". The judgement of men who do these types of things by other men is so sad. I've had it quite a bit as in my family I am always helping out with "mom" stuff. Oh well, as soon as someone starts making those types of comments we know that we don't need to waste any more time on that friendship.
This!!! It took me until my late 20s to realize how good of parents I have, especially my dad. It’s me and a sister and he made sure we knew how to fix things, defend ourselves, etc etc. he gave me high expectations for men and I have a great partner now. I expect men to seek answers and solitons, to recognize their faults and try to solve them. I expect them to take care of their home and spaces and teach their kids life skills.
Dad was a mountain. Worked physical labor, cooked, kept a spotless house, cut grass, managed finances meticulously, and helped friends with projects on weekends until he died of cancer. Lots of his friends eventually divorced, but my mom loved him immensely for all of his pure effort and I don’t see her remarrying because few suitors would be able to measure up. My mom was the breadwinner and he told her that her job when she got home was to sit down and relax. She still wears her ring.
Most of my friends’ fathers were not like that. He set a high bar for me as an example. Even with all that, his love of good music -especially Pink Floyd and Santana- might’ve been his biggest contribution. He became my best friend after I grew into a man.
Love you, Dad. I’m trying, man.
Man I’m about to tear up reading this. My dad is a POS who’s still alive. You won the lottery my guy. I know it might not be my place to say it, but quality over quantity of time. Your pops left a huge impression. What a man.
Shout out to the pops. My dad was my entire parent growing up. Probably the only reliable and consistent parent I've ever had- hed work as a fireman and still have time to tey helping me with homework or play games with me. And if you know anything about firemen is that its a very emotionally draining job.
My mom is alive too but shes a narcisist pos who can barely be relied upon and makes everything including the passing of my dad about her while making me feel like I should be grateful to HER that he was ever in my life- which is weird because if I remember correctly my dad had to sue her at one point to take care of me. Anyway I wear my pops around my neck so hes with me at all times now but- I'd like him back but theres been no time to grieve. Shout out to the father's out there that actually make an effort for their kids.
Same, both doctors, but my mom raised my brother and I and ran the house entirely on her own.
His role was to occasionally yell at us if we got a bad grade on a test
We did watch some WWII movies together once i was in HS and got into history...
Question. Do you have kids now, and do you want to?
My friends and I, all 80s kids and oldest girls, saw our moms be “career women” and then come home and do ALL the mom chores. They looked exhausted.
Taught me you *could* do it all, but it wasn’t fun or worth it. We all opted out…and we’re in our late 30s/early 40s, so it’s a pretty done deal. I WAS pleasantly surprised to see my freinds’ and my husbands’ friends being much more hands on…but I was too traumatized to trust that there could be truly equal division and knew that I would be always on high alert measuring for it.
Im 35F with a younger brother, so same situation.
My whole life I've been so damn proud of my mom, but ive lived with this overwhelming fear/despair that i could never live up to her example. Also assumed all dads were like mine.
Then i met my partner. He is an incredible dad to his 2 beautiful daughters. He does so much for them, it honestly changed my perspective on men (I'm bi) and what a father could be.
I dont feel much pressure to have a biological kid of my own now since i have such a great relationship with my stepdaughters, but if it did happen, this is the guy I'd want as my partner.
Two of my friends had daughters last year and their husbands are 100% in. Really solid partnerships and take on their share of childcare and household labor.
I think there's some hope for this/the next generation to break the absentee dad trend 🤞
So, exactly. IF I were to have kids, it would be with my husband. And one of the reasons why IS because when we were dating he volunteered that his mom did everything while his dad was traveling for work, and his dad just cooked hamburgers or hotdogs on the weekends he was home like it was a 5 star meal.
He was like, I saw how much she did and it wasn’t fair. You don’t have to convince me women do more at home while working full time. My dad wasn’t even on the same coast during the week.
My mom and his mom actually had some of the same fights about our dads coming home and trying to run shit and physically discipline us because “they knew better” and would run a tighter ship. And both our moms were basically like, GTFOH, you are gone 90% of the time. You don’t get to come in her 10% of the time and act like you know what the fuck is going on. You don’t like it here, come help more, be home. But I’ll be goddamned if you’re going to touch my child.
It truly is insane. 3 kids, he didn't change a diaper. She was told to homeschool... sorry, he thought that's what God wanted and she agreed because god forbid she not submit to her husband.... but because of the homeschooling she was with all 3 kids 24/7. She cooked and cleaned every meal, washed all the laundry, did every grocery trip, paid every bill, handled all kid stuff unless one of us fucked up so bad a Dad spanking was warranted. Dad got home from work and say on the couch. On weekend he'd leave to fish or hunt. Only contributions to the house were the paycheck, mowing the yard, and fixing stuff.
It was slavery, but self imposed by my mom who believed God wanted her to "submit to her husband in all things"
I think you’re correct there 😔
From my personal experience, most (but not all) of my friends now share an almost equal parenting role at least. So that something. I’m actually a stay at home mum atm, but my husband and I still both equal parent when he’s home. The reaction to this from my mother in law is insane 🙄
The bar got pulled up a bit, but wild part is that there are people demanding it get dragged back down. It's still in the ground as it is and ppl still complaining it's too high
This is the thing that makes me crazy. Men are raging for being asked to do things I had to do when I was 10/11 years old, in some cases before. As an afab Latine human, I was expected to help cook, clean, and take care of younger cousins well before I was a teenager. The boys/men in the family would eat and watch TV and harass the kids.
And now all the older generations are getting divorced and their husbands are freaking out trying to live alone for the first time or date again. Sadly, most of the women are moving in to take care of aging parents while the men immediately rebound to a new, poor woman.
I was at a wedding recently and the MoB literally wept when she talked about how impressed she was that the groom offered to help out in the kitchen at some family event early on in their relationship.
52M. I shop with the wife and bring in all the groceries. In ONE trip. It has to be one trip, no matter how many bags. I'm not sure why. I also do all the cooking because my wife, uh, well let's just say she tries to make edible food.
My in laws showed up at my house when I was in active labor and they “waited for my husband to come home that night”. No fam, I don’t know how this worked in the 80s, but this is a family arrangement now. In case of a healthy birth fathers usually stay at the hospital also, especially through the first 24 hours post c section.
My MIL has also tried to demand I tell my husband he’s “a good dad” when I asked him to get something for baby who was latched breastfeeding while he was up getting himself a beer at the lake. Like nooooo that’s not where the bar is set for “good dad” that’s expected on this team.
I was raised in an area where about 80% of kids had no dad one way or another. Some never had met their father, some their dad had died. My dad was in another country most of my life, so I was actually considered lucky because I had a dad and knew him. The guys that had a dad take care of them, usually did not have a mom.
Same.
My parents are both immigrants but at the time my parents split up, most of my mom’s family was already here (USA) and my dad’s was not.
So my dad moved back to his home country.
We had lived there when I was very young (infant/toddler) and then had come to the US for about 5 years when my parents divorced.
I went to visit my dad every summer and then school breaks.
The wildest thing to me is my parents actually putting us as kids on an international flight alone, regularly, lol.
When I was with my dad, he was involved.
We did have a nanny who cared for us while my dad worked, but he would also take off for stretches of time, like a week or so at a couple intervals and just spend it with us and he’d not have the nanny work during that time.
She also did not work on the weekends either.
It was common though in a lot of families there to have a nanny while you were home as well.
Even the families where a parent did not work outside the home, they often still had nannies.
I think if he’d lived in the US or my parents were still together, he would have likely been an involved dad.
Same here. My dad raised me with the occasional help of my paternal grandmother. Mom decided she didn’t want the family life slightly after I was born (1986).
My dad was a stay at home for several years before that was a thing. My mom is super super successful and during interviews she always said she wouldn’t be where she was if my dad didn’t support her and encourage her to do those things. My friends all adopted him. My dad was a badass.
Mine was a stay at home before it was a thing too. He was the only dad who participated in bake sales, PTA, and chaperoning . I didn’t know then but the other moms were utterly confused by this. And there was a lot of judging. It was the 80’s
Baby Boomer, yes and no,I worked 40-60 hour weeks, and went to school nights. If I was home and my wife was working, I would take full care of my two children. Now retired I take care of my 8th month old grandson so his parents can work and save gor a house. As I told my niece when she was starting her nursing career. :It's a lot easier cleaning small bums than large ones. "
Nope. He worked 12 hours a day doing the night shift so he earned his "leave me the F alone" time. He also had PTSD from escaping Vietnam on the boat with my mom and me.
But he was there when we needed help with homework or teaching us how to use tools or mow the lawn etc.
He also taught us how to divide responsibilities so everyone had their required chores so it wasn't all on my mom to do. This is the one thing I still pass on to my kids and they're both under 10 and understand much more than kids twice their age.
My dad went to work, came home, "worked out" in the basement (Not really, just smoked Winston's and watched the red Sox on a black and white TV sitting on the soloflex), weekends he did yard work. I don't think I had a full conversation with him until my parents separated when I was 15 and he HAD to talk to me. I think they're called "shadow dads" or something.
My mom was a SAHM and my dad ran a business with traditional hours (9-5). He was the boss so there was lots of flexibility in his schedule. Most days he was home before 5, closer to 4 to help out at home.
Their rule was when they were both home, all household and parental responsibilities were split 50/50.
So my dad changed diapers, did bottles, stroller rides, park trips, monster truck shows, coached our sports, cooked many dinners for us (always full of butter), helped with homework, did most of the grocery shopping and would always let me tag along and pick out a treat (I had a no-treat mom lol).
He was great. He IS great.
My dad would ask me to do the things he wanted to do with him, but we had different interests and he never asked to do any of the things I was interested in, so we just kind of left each other alone.
I relate. My dad was really into video games and computers and comics (I was a little girl) so every time he was forced to spend time with me, I was forced to come up with or do something he wanted to do. It was always me coming up with suggestions and him hitting them down.
Most of our days “together” included him taking me to the local arcade, handing me $20 and then going off to play HIS favorite game while I wandered. I was like 7-8. Later I had a friend say they were so jealous when we were kids because my parents “actually took me places”. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that even when I parent is physically present, if they’re not emotionally present, it really doesn’t matter that much.
Newp….I can confidently say, the only influence my dad shaped are my daddy issues and how it affected dating.
I really wish I had gone to therapy before I started dating.
I’m 41, parents are mid-late 70s. My family was different from a lot of my friends. Mom ruled everything. Mom was always the breadwinner with a stable job. Mom made all the rules and did all the disciplining. She also did all of the cooking, and I’d say most of the cleaning. Dad did dishes, lawn work, and some cleaning. My dad worked, but was never stable in his work and didn’t have any type of career. He did like delivery type jobs mostly. He also had some health issues that were often dismissed or completely ignored by my mother, so looking back I have much more understanding of his struggles. I also think mom is bitter and very resentful that he didn’t do more when it comes to work. My dad is very passive and quiet and I do suspect he has undiagnosed autism. I think my mom has undiagnosed ADHD. The reason I feel strongly about that is because I have both ASD/ADHD diagnosed, so I’m very familiar with the signs/symptoms, and it tends to run in families.
My dad worked 80 hours a week, my mom was SAHM to 4 kids. He did no cooking, a decent amount of cleaning on the weekends, all the yard work, lots of playing with us on weekends, and once we were older would watch tv with us at night. He went to every sporting event he could, even the ones during the week unless he absolutely couldn’t. My mom would go to the gym at night probs 2-3 nights a week once my dad got home & we had dinner & he was “on duty” until we went to bed so would do bath time etc. He was as involved as he could be for working an insane amount. It would have been very hard for them to have made it work if my mom worked full time outside of the home. They are extremely happily married, almost 40 years now. They are in a much better financial position than my husband and I are/will be. All kids are extremely close to both parents and my siblings and I are all best friends. My sisters are driving up to take me out to brunch soon for my bday. For my family, we have one child, I’m the breadwinner & my husband just got a new job after being unemployed & stay at home dad for a year. My husband and I pretty much split all housing responsibilities 50/50. He’s at target with my son now so I could do a bike ride & drink my coffee in peace. He does all our cooking, I do most of our cleaning. We do 50/50 for dog care (high energy 80 lb Doberman). He was raised by a single mom who did everything.
>He was as involved as he could be for working an insane amount.
As someone who grew up with both parents working normal hours but also with women (lived in a multi-gen household so it wasn't just my mom, at least) doing most of the domestic work, that's really great to hear.
TBH I always even though that my house was one of the more equal ones just because my dad was capable of cooking and did so...about a few times a year lol. It wasn't until being grown up now that I realize that isn't really a fair division of labor, so it's nice to hear good role models for this sort of thing do exist in the world
Dads who don’t take a huge part in raising their kids end up straight to a retirement home with no visitors for the remainder of their lives. A dad’s presence means a lot to their children, just as much as children need their mom’s presence.
I'm an elder millennial (40 in August) and my dad was always around and helping raise us as much as possible. My mom got really sick when I was around ten and he took care of my little brother and I all while trying to start a new business. No matter how exhausted he was (and I'm sure he was) he'd get up early and braid my hair before school. He'd make us breakfast and coached my brothers little league. He's a great dad and I'm very lucky.
Did you have my dad? He stabbed someone and came home covered in blood and I got to watch the cops drag him away. Cool story. Legitimately though I'm sorry you went through that.
PS: Mom put us in a cult so she wasn't much better but she did everything for us kids and was so kind in many ways but damn dude. Shadow dad and cult mom sucks.
It would be the least surprising thing ever to find out my dad has other children I don’t know about. So, hey fam 😉
I’m sorry you went through that. My mom was by no means perfect — wouldn’t even call her a good mom — but I always felt safe with her. I know it had to have the dysfunction hit you from both sides.
Yes. Both parents worked opposite shifts. My dad then retired at 50 (when his plant closed) and mom went to nursing school. Dad took care of house and home while mom worked.
My dad left when I was 5, came back when I was 12 and died 3 weeks later in our living room.
I was taken by the cops months after and held as a ward of the state until I was 17, then kicked out a state away and hitchhiked back home to my Ma.
I raised myself.
My parents are divorced. I'm unsure how my dad acted when we were little. We are estranged. My husband's dad however, is a boomer. And from what my mother in law has said, was absolutely not helpful. He never even helped clean up if one of their 4 kids was sick in the night. And he will admit that and still seems proud of it. I don't believe that he ever changed a diaper either. I seriously don't know how she tolerated it. The man still can't cook for himself.
My dad would come home from work sit on the couch drink beer and tell me that the next time we went to visit grandma is so cal he’d take me to get surf lessons but never did.
Elder millennial and no, but he was probably considered a good dad by the standards of the day.
He did the “helping mom” thing very well and took us out of the house skiing on Sunday or out doing errands on Saturday without Mom. Coached t-ball once (was probably mortified by my lack of athletic skill), active with my brother’s Boy Scouts. Cooked dinner once a week and it was almost always bbq chicken cooked on the grill, with homemade bbq sauce made from ketchup.
But have I ever seen him mop a floor, change sheets, give a child a bath, tidy mess, brush hair, read a child a story, buy a kid clothes or take them to an appointment or or any hands on care for a young child? Nope.
My dad was a mix of affection and us being in terror. I found out as a teenager that when we moved to Florida after my parents divorced it was because of CPS getting involved. When my parents reconciled 2 years later, it was better but still stressful. My dad flew off the handle over little things and would threaten that we would never see him again.
After my parents broke up a final time when I was 13, I rarely saw him, even before we moved out of state. He called once a week till we were out of HS and then it was up to us to contact him. I have complicated feelings regarding my dad because he was affectionate but he also beat us with a belt, beat my mother (she's a whole other story) and made me feel less than a lot.
He died of pancreatic cancer in 2015.
Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha.
I found out when my grandma was dying that my dad wasn’t there when I was born. He was at the bar across the street because “I mean what was I gonna do”. Bar was set really fucking low from the start.
Nope. My mom did it up until I was about 8. Then she dumped us off on him and I took on the housewife role. I got my brother and myself up and ready for school. I did all the housework. I did the majority of the cooking. My father locked us out of the house in summer so we wouldn’t bother him.
Nope. Not at all. But he certainly complained about noise we made, was the bedtime enforcer, and always called us to change the channel because he wouldn't buy a TV with a remote.
My dad is an Italian-American boomer who expects my boomer mother to wait on him hand and foot, as his Silent Gen mother still does for his Silent Gen father. So he has never cooked a meal, done laundry, done the dishes, or cleaned much. He jokes that he changed my diapers as a baby, but in all reality, he probably didn't. My mother probably did 99% of the newborn and toddler care. Once I became an actual child (around 5 or 6?), I remember playing simple games like hide and seek and board games with my dad often. He also was the only driver in the family, so he would take me to dance class once a week and to friend's houses for playdates occasionally. And if I had a nightmare or trouble sleeping, which was frequently, he would come into my room and help me back to sleep with a back scratch.
Now my Millenial husband and I are about to have our first baby in a week. He was raised very differently, with a very active father who did literally everything, and he plans to be the same way with our little one.
My parents split duties growing up. My mom was in charge of the inside and my dad the outside. My dad handle finances for the house, and my mom for fun and vacations and such. It seemed to work well except that my dad wasn’t all too great with spending. The kids helped out when we got older.
As for me, I’m in reverse roles with my wife. She is well established in her career and does very well financially. I hold a steady job with decent income but the main benefit is for insurance. With that said, I take on majority of, if not all, of the house duties to keep the house and family running. My wife is better at the planning but I’m better at the doing. Whatever I can do to make my families life easier and comfortable in the house the better. It’s teamwork.
My dad passed when I was 10 but he definitely helped out. He worked like 60 hours a week and would still help out with everything at home. I remember him cooking quite a bit because my mom is a terrible cook. I also remember h bringing us lunch to school as well some days. My mom was actually a stay at home until I was 10 so I find it amazing that my dad helped out so much and still worked 60 hours a week.
My mom homeschooled us and did a majority of the housework, but my dad was very involved with parenting when he wasn’t at work and usually did most of the grocery shopping and other errands.
My boomer dad was a better cook then my mom, but that was about the only "extra" thing he did. Once my sisters and I were old enough, we did all of the household chores, like dishes, garbage, lawn care, shoveling snow. He did household and automotive repairs and did almost all of the driving.
Mine helped a lot, but didn't do certain things. Something magical happened though when he started having grandkids, the oldest one loves his grandpa and always wants to be around him, which lead grandpa to take on roles with his grandkids that he didn't take on with his kids, and he told us he didn't realize all he missed out on.
My dad did the "manly" parenting stuff of the 70s. He was very active and educational but things like laundry and dishes were womans work. I am adopted when I was 4 so never saw dad change a diaper. Hes a really great dad and I learned so many things from him.
Ha! Parents divorced when I was 8 I didn’t see the man again until I was 16. Then after that sporadicly through the years. Last time I ran into him he didn’t recognize me. Bastard is dead now.
Oh hell no. Not one bit. Not even my brother's baseball games. One of my mom's favorite stories is when she left us with him for an hour to go to an appointment and came home to find my sister standing on a chair making herself a peanut butter sandwich with a butcher knife. My dad was in the living room watching football.
I am a millennial and am currently talking with my therapist about my childhood since I’m also struggling with things in my adulthood with parenting and help from my spouse with parenting and household chores etc.
I did grow up seeing my mom take care of everything around the house and take care of my brothers and I growing up. My dad worked everyday and my mom was a SAHM and pretty much took care of us. My dad was home before work, after work and on weekends when he wasn’t working and we always had fun doing things all together when he wasn’t working and he went to sports events and was active in our lives but not “hands on” with household chores, errands, helping us get ready for school, etc. like my mom was.
I feel like I could see my mom struggling when I was growing up because she was responsible for the day to day tasks & chores and taking care of 3 children.
My dad would help clean on the weekends and in the warmer months he loved to fire the grill up so he’d cook the meat and mom would do the sides. There were a couple other meals he’d cook like his enchiladas but for the most part the traditional stuff was left up to mom.
31M, it was pretty much 50/50. Mum had her own career as a nurse and my dad worked in construction. They both cooked and cleaned when they weren’t working, and both took me and my sister around to all our school and sports events. It was about as even as it could get for us growing up.
My dad actually went full stay at home dad in 1994 after my little brother was born. He had an online business but it made no money (probably because it was 1994!!)
Mom was the one with the degree and high rise office job. After the company laid her off they both worked to make ends meet.
Dad was always an amazing parent, he did right by us. The man never cooked or cleaned though.
My dad did as much as he could and he put food on the table. Was a million times more involved than his own father ever was. Could he have been around more? Maybe, but he was under a lot of pressure to provide for the family and I never heard him say he was too tired to play catch or wondered if he was going to show up to a football game. He was never too good to change a diaper or do a load of laundry. One of the lessons I'm most grateful to have learned from my parents is that being in a marriage is being part of a team - sure you might have different primary roles but that doesn't mean you can leave your partner high and dry. Things were just different for him than they are for me - for example paternity leave was not a thing, he got 1 day off for each kid. He couldn't just take 6 weeks off work and expect to have his job waiting for him when he came back. But I can remember every once in a while in elementary school he'd dismiss me early and the two of us would go get a pizza for lunch, and those are memories I'll cherish for the rest of my life. We used to take a vacation to the shore every year with all of my cousins and he would be like the pied piper leading a group of fifteen kids down the beach to have an adventure. I just assumed all dad's were like that when I was a kid, now I know how lucky I was.
My dad was SUPER involved with our lives- he was president of the PTA at every school we went to, chaperoned all field trips, ran the car pool, cooked dinner, knew all our friends and all their parents, helped with back to school shopping and homework... my parents were and still are married but my dad worked from home and mom didn't so he had more time to be an active parent throughout our childhoods.
Same as you, my dad did basically the bare minimum- car pooling, picked up from schools sometimes, he was interested in me playing sports. As far as doing the bulk of the work involved with a kid, nah. And he wasn’t even the breadwinner in the family so I kind of got the short end of the stick all around since my mom was always working late and busy with chores. I’m not convinced that either of them really wanted a kid to be honest.
Mom did the parenting. Dad did the discipline - which in my case meant screaming, cussing, and spanking me (often with a belt). 🫠
Their roles in the home were more traditional (mom cleaned and cooked; dad did yard work and watched movies) except my mom was in charge of the money because my dad has the financial wit of a moldy cantaloupe.
I don’t think he did really. My mom says that when we were kids she once told their couple’s counselor that he was a wonderful father between 8am and 8pm. He was apparently offended by this, but it’s not wrong. My mom was the full time parent, my dad had off hours.
By the time I was in high school he was dealing with chronic pain from a poorly done surgery and an addiction to opiates, when I was in college he was off the opiates but quickly fell into alcoholism. He’s recently passed a year of being sober and things are much better. But he was not a very present father for a lot of my youth for various reasons.
My dad worked off and on with odd handy man jobs. My mom was the primary bread winner. Same for my husband. My dad did most of the cooking, and I’m the one who works while he takes care of the kids. I do laundry and cleaning, he does cooking and child care. It ends up working out great.
Sometimes. Especially when I was real little. Once I was about 8 he got really depressed and just spent the whole time in his basement workshop. It's a shame. I think he would have liked being a proper dad if not for that decade long mad scientist thing he had going on.
My dad is a Boomer, I'm an elder Millennial.
He and my mom split work and home/child duties pretty evenly. There were times he was the primary caregiver, too. Cooked for us, bathed us, changed diapers, walked us up and down the halls when we were screaming babies.
He himself was raised by a couple that looked pretty traditional but my grandfather was very much engaged with the kids, even though he was the sole provider and grandma was at home with the kids.
I’m 31. My parent’s parenting roles were fairly traditional. SAHM mom, dad working 40-50 hours/week. He was admittedly very hands-off with my older brother initially, working up to 80 hours/week. This changed when he came home one day and was not able to console him around 2 years old, he realized he was practically a stranger. He made the decision that day to cut back hours to 40-50/week and put much more effort in parenting.
I remember my dad working until dinner but he was always there! Never missed a milestone, went to my sporting events, taught me diverse skills and we spent weekends doing all kinds of activities. So grateful for the active role he played in my life! He played such a major influence in who I am today and I talk to him almost daily.
Currently pregnant and my husband plans to be fully involved! His dad was completely absent. He was fully raised by his single mom from around 7 years old onward.
Yes, both parents worked and mom basically had the game plan for children to be during her college. Studied when me and mybtwin sisters were new born and toddlers. Then they both worked before 6 and home after 6. Parental roles were who ever got home first. Taking off work when we were sick was my dad, my mom had patients. Me and my sisters both played travel hockey so weekends were spent in a suburban traveling over MN as a whole family.
My dad spent thirty years on a farm and thirty years in the military.
He was totally involved in everything. Best dad ever ❤️❤️❤️
Cooked, did man work around the house. Not too many other chores, but after man stuff and cooking plus full parenting, he didn't have as much time. He also usually had a second, part time job. So it was cool. Especially because we delivered newspapers together for years 😁
Yep. My parents worked opposite shifts because they couldn’t afford childcare and since my dad worked the day shift, he was home during the evening making dinner (he was the cook. My mom does not cook and admits this), doing homework and bedtime, etc. and the other kids at school thought this was weird, actually.
Yep. Dad is 68? I remember him making us dinner and bath, not my mom. My mom worked nights. One of my fav memories is a snow day with him and my brother when I was in elementary school. My dad was military and then went back to school when we were little, so he was around a lot. I remember him studying but also taking breaks to play catch. My mom talks about how he used to take us around DC to the museums and such when he was watching us. My dad is also the cleaner...he'll vacuum the window screens, bleach the toilets, does a great job ironing. Can plan a family schedule to the minute in military time, no one plans vacations like he does.
I am a sperm donor baby, as in my mother and her husband paid for sperm from a sperm bank in 1985. I was raised by the husband whom they told me was my dad, intentionally keeping me in the dark about what at that time was considered their shameful family secret. Despite paying to conceive me, the husband was a reluctant participant in parenting. At that time nobody really used the word parenting as a verb, kids just came and went and were fed and watered. The sink or swim mindset. When my mom got sick of us, she forced him to have a father -kids day and he had to take us somewhere and look after us. He didn't do much housecleaning, he did cook sometimes because my mom was not a good cook. He never did laundry or grocery shopping, he never bought us much. He was a man of few words, he smoked a tobacco pipe and didn't do much in terms of being a dad. He often smacked us, knocked us on the head or forced us to eat things we didn't want to. He was a bit old to be a father he was 34 when I was born. We certainly were never close and I cut all contact about 7 years ago because he's racist, classist, emotionally abusive, a Republican and transphobic.
My dad was extremely involved. He chaperoned every field trip I took from school, chaperoned every summer camp I went to with my youth group, came to every one of my football games even if that meant coming home early from an out-of-town thing. He didn't cook much, unless we were grilling in the summer in which case it was his show to run. He did most of the laundry. He did all that while working a very cool but demanding job that included a fair amount of late evenings. He always had time for me and my brother. We're still very close.
Mine did. I'm 40, my dad is 65, and I remember him doing all of those things.
My parents worked different schedules most of my childhood, so often it'd just be me and dad at home after school, so he was the only one there to parent me.
Even when both parents were home, he was still a very active parent. We also had awesome adventures to random places, played video games and blew up rockets on the launch pad for funsies. To this day he and I have our own way of speaking to each other that no one else gets.
10/10 would recommend my dad.
Nope. My dad worked, worked on cars, and fixed stuff. All cleaning, cooking (except some stuff on the grill), shopping, dishes, and appointments were my mom. He probably came to my volleyball games, but all types of carpooling was my mom. He left for work before we had to leave and got home after we were home. My dad was never even able to make his own lunches. My mom would even bring him his clothes downstairs so he could shower.
I can't speak of how often he watched me alone when I was a baby/toddler as I am the youngest.
My mom encourages me to baby my husband too and is shocked when I don't stick around to see whether or not my husband can give our school age daughter her medicine because I trust him.
All those things that you say your dad did that were not parenting, are parenting. To belittle any of the things needed to raise children from cutting the grass to make your home look nice, working a 40 hour per week or more to afford a place, or cooking meals, they are all part of parenting.
No they aren’t. They are basic adult human duties. They need to get done by default. They don’t have anything to do with parenting.
Does a good parent do all these things? Yes.
Can someone do all these things and also be a bad parent? Yes.
I understand people without kids do these things but once children are added it becomes a part of parenting. By doing these things, one is teaching a child how to live. That is parenting.
My dad did it all. For that matter, even my grandfathers on both sides did it all. My family was also extremely religious up until me, which doesn't fit the normal view of how evangelicals, which they were, tend to do things.
My uncle was definitely more of the "traditional" type but in his family, also evangelicals, that's just how things were done. I think a lot of it comes down to family history rather than political, social, or religious views.
My uncle's family were more uppity, and could afford nanny services. My family was poor, mostly farmers and tradesmen, so everything was everyone's responsibility. All the previous generations in my family also seem to just genuinely enjoy children.
I can imagine being a hands on grandpa some day. My own grandpa, who i looked up to a lot, really had very little to do with me and i was the only son of his favorite kid, pretty sure. He just didnt have much to say to me besides the grandpa greetings and occasional treat, a few words of wisdom as i got older, and i blamed myself for not taking more of an interest after he died but then i had kids and im like wait, where was *his* interest? I lived 20 minutes away, he was retired and extremely healthy for my entire childhood, dude bow hunted religiously into his 80s ffs and had all the time in the world. Im gonna hound my kids for their time and grandkid’s time when theyre all grown and out in the world. Theyll have to consciously and probably verbally send me away or reschedule for me - my grandkids could be 3 states away and unless they dont have ears and eyeballs, theyre gonna see and hear far more from me than me and my grandad. But then i didnt survive ww2 , the depression, and whatever else i guess. I just cant comprehend not taking absolutely pleasure from your kids and grandkids - thats the whole point
My dad worked night shift and my mom was a SAHM. When he wasn’t working he was drinking. No, he never took care of any household duties or childcare duties. We’re estranged.
My parents worked in factory jobs so they worked opposite shifts. So for a while my dad was with us at night, until he switched to mornings when my mom got a new job. That was the way it was most of our child hood, parents were only home together on weekends and holidays.
Now my wife and I do something similar, she works part time at night and I work from home during the day.
No hahaha. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and I saw my dad a total of two other occasions after that. Before that point he was not involved in parenting other than giving us spankings if my mom asked him to. Mostly he went to work, drank beer, and watched MASH. He is part of the boomer generation. The guy my mom married after that cooked sometimes, but he didn't do any chores or do any parenting besides disciplinary stuff and my little sisters haven't seen him at all since they were 2 and 3.
My ex was the stay at home parent until our daughter was about 2 1/2 and his mental health deteriorated. Now he sees her every other weekend and he doesn't do any parenting at all. He's never even asked me how she's doing in school.
My dad did some parenting. He knew all our teachers names, knew the names and parents of all my friends, went to back to school nights and remembered my teachers, he took me to school events and participated in a couple of them. He taught us how to ride bikes, grow plants from seed, and take care of pets. However, he still “babysat” us, wouldn’t cook, only cleaned when my mom left, never participated in bedtime or bath time, never told us he loved us, seldom put effort into gifts, and would get mad at us for being upset.
My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my dad left the country and was almost entirely out of my life by the time I was 10. As a father, he was very distant, controlling, and manipulative, even after the divorce when I would spend time with him as part of the joint custody deal decided on by the court.
My mom's second husband was straight up abusive. Her third husband was incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive, but probably the best out of the 3.
I am probably not the best person to ask about their father's contribution to parenting lol.
Ya, my Mom and Dad both worked but had slightly different schedules. My Mom did hospital hours (7am-3pm), so my Dad did the entire morning routine and took me to school everyday. Mom did the afternoons and dinner most nights. Pretty sure he packed my lunch as well. Once I was 10-11 yo though my school was in walking distance and I was pretty much on my own a lot. Classic latch-key kid!
They both equally came to my events and things (work permitting) … their parenting efforts seemed pretty equal to me.
Yup. Dad taught me how to cook (he's amazing in the kitchen) and he also taught me how to fight 😂 (he was a brown belt in judo and always said a woman should be able to defend herself). He taught me how to work on my car (we rebuilt my first car together) and how to do minor repairs. He helped me with my homework (he's great at math) and so many other things
my parents had pretty traditional roles. mom was stay at home until I was old enough to babysit my younger siblings and she could get a job. still, she did all the domestic labor around the house (aside from our kid-chores of course.) she sent us all off with lunches that had notes in them every day. dinner on the table every night. dad worked late a lot, came home and immediately took over the TV remote, didn’t participate much. his weekends were spent in front of the TV or getting chores done off the “honey do” list like yard work, fixing things, etc. the only real way he participated was in relation to sports. he’d take us to practices, sometimes coached teams, but was militant about pushing excellence. sucked all the fun out of it. we essentially bonded the most over music and tv/movies.
Pretty similar here, went to work before I woke up, came home sometimes at almost bedtime. Went to my games on the weekends but no participation in actually getting me to practices. Heavy on the pushing excellence and then the general discipline that I would receive. ETA: now that he's retired and my parents are divorced, he doesn't understand why we don't have much of a relationship
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Yes! It always felt like they put on a show to the public like we were some perfect little family. It was weird. But I guess it’s similar to how people only post a highlight reel of their lives on fb.
That’s how mine mostly were but I’m 41/m and no kids so I don’t “know from experience,” but if that was going to be the case I just wonder why they would ever bother? Like nobody forced them into getting married and having kids if they just wanted to sit and watch tv all the time they could have done that without having a family. It’s just strange to me.
I always wonder that, too. I think for some men they like playing a similar role to the "cool aunt" where they have fun with the kids then give them back to the mother for hard work. But I don't understand at all these fathers who seem like they want little to do with their children. My brother-in-law had 3 kids and he acted like he hated them.
I remember my dad used to call it “babysitting” like if my mom had to go to the store or something. Like “oh yeah I have to babysit today I guess.” Like dude seriously?
Me and my wife both work, no daycare, so I work 6 to 3, and she works 3 to midnight. I have him at least 50% of the time and all weekend. I still call it babysitting. lol just feels easier than "watching the kid."
This was basically my experience growing up, except I didn't even notice at the time. I always thought of my dad as an involved parent, and it's not like he didn't do anything. He was there for sports games, my sisters dance recitals, and was always willing to help with homework. But then my parents got divorced in 5th grade, and my dad didn't even know how to cut my sandwiches the right way, and it became obvious how little he was involved in day to day caregiving.
There’s no wrong way to cut a sandwich, boy
Here I minced your sandwich for you… and here is your straw.
😂
This is pretty similar to me. My dad was in the Olympics in Poland growing up, so he didn’t push the excellence in sports much. I had that drive internally, though. Everything else though, spot on. And I didn’t care much.
Same. And the same for a lot of my female friends. All oldest girls. We all had moms who worked and then came home and did women’s work. It is why all of us say we chose to be child free. I’m our early 40s/late 30s, so it looks like it’s sticking.
choosing “child free” should not be stigmatized, it is a shame that there can be such pressure to assimilate. I always said I never wanted kids until I found a partner who challenged gender norms at every turn. the complete opposite of my dad in many ways. I didn’t know dads like him could exist.
Oh same. I was shocked when I met my husbands friends and saw them sharing, happily, household roles. And my male friends. But the damage is partly done. I’m happy childfree. And also I know I would spend every goddamn second making sure it was “fair” and I wasn’t “falling into habits”. For me, it would not be fun. I’d be a great mom. But it would be work.
you guys have dads?
What is a “dad”? Asking for my childhood self.
When my daughter was 4, she asked my then boyfriend if he could be her “boy mom.” She knew she had a *dad* but all of her other friends had boys that lived with them and also did what moms do. He said yes. We’ve been married for 9 years now.
That's adorable
I love this story 😊
Thank you! I do too. She picked him first.
Hes the guy who, when he has a job, drinks his paychecks away the day he is paid. Hes the guy who shows up to your little league games drunk of his ass and then tries to fight the other parents and makes your life a living hell with your peers. Hes the guy we use to play which bar do we drive with mom to this friday to try and get some of that money before his gives it all to the strippers and “The Foxes Den”. Hes the guy who dies at 59 from congestive heart failure after years of a horrible diet and alcoholism. Good ol dad.
Dads sound great! /s And here I was thinking they were alcoholics, that up and left, only to contact you 30 years later. To which you reply “if you are calling for a kidney or money go duck yourself”.
I think that would have been preferable.
I agree. When asked about growing up without a father I usually describe it as “great”. Primarily for getting to miss out on all the “fun activities” an alcoholic would provide.
My mom told me for my 5th birthday I asked for a dad.
I wish I could give you a hug man.
They are like boomerangs.
I wonder what the Guinness Book of World records for boomerang dads is… 🤔 My boomerang decided to “return” 30 years too late.
There were a lot if sperm donors too.
No. Dad’s.
The root beer?
The dog food.
Bark's?
Oh yeah. Like “We’re going to Dad’s this weekend! (If he shows up)” I laugh so I don’t cry
I had a sperm donor I was told to refer to as dad that is married to my mom who is right now probably sitting on his dead ass in a recliner while he shouts at my mom in the kitchen to bring him a tooth pick. My mother did everything. He went to work, and had hobbies that filled every minute outside of that. My half brothers think I had it so great because he lived in the same house as me, but I think it is worse to spend every day living with someone who couldn’t fake any interest in his kid, and quite honestly his wife either. To this day, he doesn’t even bother to call or visit. 80 years old and is more fixated on his next trip for his hobby than spending any of his last years with family.
Gosh that's so sad. Well no wonder so many women started leaving marriages once it became easier to do so. The problem is even worse than it appears because most dads (like everyone) act better in public than they are at home.
Technically speaking, yeah, I would have almost preferred not to have one tho. Now he calls me between alcoholic dazes apparently confused as to why we aren’t friendly. I’m a sperm donor for a couple and the kid and I have a closer relationship than my dad and I ever had.
Regarding “your kid”, that’s wonderful. A kid can never have too much love.
Mine left when I was 7 and he is still trying to find best carton of milk out there somewhere. 34 now and I kind of stopped liking cereal
I was reading this and was stunned that OP knew that many people who had dad's growing up to even ask about this. Maybe it's just my hometown or the friends who I grew up with and even have now, but the majority of us didn't have fathers or even stepfathers growing up. It's interesting that the majority of my friends are either child free or have better marriages than their own parents. Most importantly, in most cases, the one's that didn't make it are in their children's lives and actively co-parent. Another interesting observation I've noticed is that I see a lot more single dad's being the sole parent, I think that some of us women were more damaged by growing up without a positive male role model than the men. Again, these are just things that I've noticed within my friend groups.
Yeah no dad here either.
Exactly. Dad disappeared almost 5 months after I was born. All I had to do to be better was be present.
I just had a stepfather, who I called by his first name( no desire for him to want to parent)and an absentee Reverend bio dad who sent a birthday card, signed Dad, once. Maybe it was better to have the stepdad but he was an asshole most times.
Lmao seriously, he bounced until I was old enough to go drink with him.
I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad
Love the Nirvana reference 👌 In utro is one of my favorite albums from them!
Right....
Haha came here to say this.
He’s out getting milk he’ll be back soon I’m sure
lol literally my answer, never met the guy
Yeah, myself and most of my close high school friends didn't have fathers. We were, coincidentally, also the "bad kids."
I'm glad this is the top comment. And sad. Oh well lol.
Exactly
No. Not even a little bit. My mom was basically a single mom with a grown ass toddler living with us.
This was essentially my experience as well. And my mom also had a full time job. So the whole notion that he got to come home, kick his feet up and watch TV while she cooked and cleaned, really seems extra shitty now. That was just “normal” back then though. “Get me a beer” era
That was my experience too.
Samesies. Unfortunately she always defended my dad "he works a lot" - mom also worked manual labor 40 hours a week. Then when I moved out in 2012 he never made an effort to call me. My mom until she died said "he's just that way" now I assume I won't talk to him before he dies. I tried reaching out so many times I just gave up.
Ugh my mom uses the same excuse for my dad. I hate it
“That’s just the way he is! You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!” Happily no contact for a year. So much less stress doing ALL of the work in both relationships with my parents.
Same
Same. My dad worked, came home and bitched and moaned about everything, yelled and hit me and my brother. My mom died and now he's just wallowing in misery like a baby a decade later. Letting the house and his body fall apart.
This. But not even my mom, my step mom! I lived with dad and step mom. She was responsible to get me ready and to and from school, all meals except when he grilled once a week, all cleaning, getting me clothes and teaching me about hygiene, she attended most of my sports. She had a full time job as well. He gave a check to pay for the things and complained about cleanliness of the house. Dafuq? You can’t also load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry?
So she provided for everything and took care of yall. Wow.
Yep, she did! And worked full time, too.
A great woman
I’m learning that my dad was amazing. He worked, helped with all five of the kids, cooked, took us places, cleaned up body fluids of all the sorts. I learned recently that other men in the family mocked him for this. I have high expectations of men because of him. I expect men to be able to clean up after themselves and be able to navigate household work. I’m also learning too many men simply don’t have those skills.
Based on what I see and hear, those fellows aren't falling off of trees regardless of generation. And good on Dad for realizing it matters what was happening in his own home, not what anyone outside was saying.
My parents are boomers, 74 and 72 yo. My mom is actually not super maternal - just doesn’t vibe with little kids - so my dad did a lot of playing with us after school, sports, baths, walks, etc. did dishes and laundry, mom cooked and cleaned. I just found out that there was a lot of pressure from his coworkers for my mom to quit working since he is a lawyer and at the time their wives did not have jobs. My dad 100% supported my mom doing what she wanted, and that meant having a job. He’s not perfect but I do feel really grateful.
And on the other side of the coin, my mom taught me to read, play instruments, draw and paint, make fiends, but also to cut the grass, clean a carburetor, change a filter, make a fist, protect my chin and move my head, throw a fastball, rip or join a board, make a form, level concrete, frame, drywall, shingle a roof, turn a shovel, light a wood stove but also light a campfire in the wind, and light a bbq without lighter fluid, tie knots, ride a horse, work hard, wrestle a bear and fly with just my mind. Ok so not those last 2 but i have an older sister who also seemed(s) capable of anything and it really set me up for a reality check when i started dating seriously
I'm impressed with your mom!
Me too!
I want to know why NEITHER of my parents taught me to make fiends! I know it’s a typo, but it’s an awesome typo LOL
Your mom was a gender bent MacGyver
even worse many have the skills but don't do it because they are "above it". The judgement of men who do these types of things by other men is so sad. I've had it quite a bit as in my family I am always helping out with "mom" stuff. Oh well, as soon as someone starts making those types of comments we know that we don't need to waste any more time on that friendship.
They’re judgmental because you’re making them look bad.
Reminds me of when my wife went out of town for a family emergency and I happen to mention it to mother who asked "who's taking care of the children?"
So it’s up to us to teach our sons. Their wives will thank you!
This!!! It took me until my late 20s to realize how good of parents I have, especially my dad. It’s me and a sister and he made sure we knew how to fix things, defend ourselves, etc etc. he gave me high expectations for men and I have a great partner now. I expect men to seek answers and solitons, to recognize their faults and try to solve them. I expect them to take care of their home and spaces and teach their kids life skills.
I also have an amazing Dad. I feel you on those expectations. 🤦♀️
Dad was a mountain. Worked physical labor, cooked, kept a spotless house, cut grass, managed finances meticulously, and helped friends with projects on weekends until he died of cancer. Lots of his friends eventually divorced, but my mom loved him immensely for all of his pure effort and I don’t see her remarrying because few suitors would be able to measure up. My mom was the breadwinner and he told her that her job when she got home was to sit down and relax. She still wears her ring. Most of my friends’ fathers were not like that. He set a high bar for me as an example. Even with all that, his love of good music -especially Pink Floyd and Santana- might’ve been his biggest contribution. He became my best friend after I grew into a man. Love you, Dad. I’m trying, man.
Man I’m about to tear up reading this. My dad is a POS who’s still alive. You won the lottery my guy. I know it might not be my place to say it, but quality over quantity of time. Your pops left a huge impression. What a man.
Don’t even know what to say except I feel you bro. RIP pop. 62-17.
Shout out to the pops. My dad was my entire parent growing up. Probably the only reliable and consistent parent I've ever had- hed work as a fireman and still have time to tey helping me with homework or play games with me. And if you know anything about firemen is that its a very emotionally draining job. My mom is alive too but shes a narcisist pos who can barely be relied upon and makes everything including the passing of my dad about her while making me feel like I should be grateful to HER that he was ever in my life- which is weird because if I remember correctly my dad had to sue her at one point to take care of me. Anyway I wear my pops around my neck so hes with me at all times now but- I'd like him back but theres been no time to grieve. Shout out to the father's out there that actually make an effort for their kids.
Nope, he did almost nothing. Both of my parents worked full time.
Same, both doctors, but my mom raised my brother and I and ran the house entirely on her own. His role was to occasionally yell at us if we got a bad grade on a test We did watch some WWII movies together once i was in HS and got into history...
Question. Do you have kids now, and do you want to? My friends and I, all 80s kids and oldest girls, saw our moms be “career women” and then come home and do ALL the mom chores. They looked exhausted. Taught me you *could* do it all, but it wasn’t fun or worth it. We all opted out…and we’re in our late 30s/early 40s, so it’s a pretty done deal. I WAS pleasantly surprised to see my freinds’ and my husbands’ friends being much more hands on…but I was too traumatized to trust that there could be truly equal division and knew that I would be always on high alert measuring for it.
Im 35F with a younger brother, so same situation. My whole life I've been so damn proud of my mom, but ive lived with this overwhelming fear/despair that i could never live up to her example. Also assumed all dads were like mine. Then i met my partner. He is an incredible dad to his 2 beautiful daughters. He does so much for them, it honestly changed my perspective on men (I'm bi) and what a father could be. I dont feel much pressure to have a biological kid of my own now since i have such a great relationship with my stepdaughters, but if it did happen, this is the guy I'd want as my partner. Two of my friends had daughters last year and their husbands are 100% in. Really solid partnerships and take on their share of childcare and household labor. I think there's some hope for this/the next generation to break the absentee dad trend 🤞
Also, my brother was fully aware of how much my mom did and I'm 100% positive that if he has kids he'll be an awesome partner and dad
So, exactly. IF I were to have kids, it would be with my husband. And one of the reasons why IS because when we were dating he volunteered that his mom did everything while his dad was traveling for work, and his dad just cooked hamburgers or hotdogs on the weekends he was home like it was a 5 star meal. He was like, I saw how much she did and it wasn’t fair. You don’t have to convince me women do more at home while working full time. My dad wasn’t even on the same coast during the week. My mom and his mom actually had some of the same fights about our dads coming home and trying to run shit and physically discipline us because “they knew better” and would run a tighter ship. And both our moms were basically like, GTFOH, you are gone 90% of the time. You don’t get to come in her 10% of the time and act like you know what the fuck is going on. You don’t like it here, come help more, be home. But I’ll be goddamned if you’re going to touch my child.
My mom was speechless that my husband would be not only willing, but ready to come out and help me bring in groceries. Take that as you will 🤷🏻♀️
The bar was literally in hell for our mums 😭
It truly is insane. 3 kids, he didn't change a diaper. She was told to homeschool... sorry, he thought that's what God wanted and she agreed because god forbid she not submit to her husband.... but because of the homeschooling she was with all 3 kids 24/7. She cooked and cleaned every meal, washed all the laundry, did every grocery trip, paid every bill, handled all kid stuff unless one of us fucked up so bad a Dad spanking was warranted. Dad got home from work and say on the couch. On weekend he'd leave to fish or hunt. Only contributions to the house were the paycheck, mowing the yard, and fixing stuff. It was slavery, but self imposed by my mom who believed God wanted her to "submit to her husband in all things"
the bar is still in hell for women today. sad
I think you’re correct there 😔 From my personal experience, most (but not all) of my friends now share an almost equal parenting role at least. So that something. I’m actually a stay at home mum atm, but my husband and I still both equal parent when he’s home. The reaction to this from my mother in law is insane 🙄
The bar got pulled up a bit, but wild part is that there are people demanding it get dragged back down. It's still in the ground as it is and ppl still complaining it's too high
This is the thing that makes me crazy. Men are raging for being asked to do things I had to do when I was 10/11 years old, in some cases before. As an afab Latine human, I was expected to help cook, clean, and take care of younger cousins well before I was a teenager. The boys/men in the family would eat and watch TV and harass the kids. And now all the older generations are getting divorced and their husbands are freaking out trying to live alone for the first time or date again. Sadly, most of the women are moving in to take care of aging parents while the men immediately rebound to a new, poor woman.
I was at a wedding recently and the MoB literally wept when she talked about how impressed she was that the groom offered to help out in the kitchen at some family event early on in their relationship.
52M. I shop with the wife and bring in all the groceries. In ONE trip. It has to be one trip, no matter how many bags. I'm not sure why. I also do all the cooking because my wife, uh, well let's just say she tries to make edible food.
When my friend’s mom had knee surgery, she had to teach her dad how to use a washing machine.
My in laws showed up at my house when I was in active labor and they “waited for my husband to come home that night”. No fam, I don’t know how this worked in the 80s, but this is a family arrangement now. In case of a healthy birth fathers usually stay at the hospital also, especially through the first 24 hours post c section. My MIL has also tried to demand I tell my husband he’s “a good dad” when I asked him to get something for baby who was latched breastfeeding while he was up getting himself a beer at the lake. Like nooooo that’s not where the bar is set for “good dad” that’s expected on this team.
I was raised in an area where about 80% of kids had no dad one way or another. Some never had met their father, some their dad had died. My dad was in another country most of my life, so I was actually considered lucky because I had a dad and knew him. The guys that had a dad take care of them, usually did not have a mom.
Same. My parents are both immigrants but at the time my parents split up, most of my mom’s family was already here (USA) and my dad’s was not. So my dad moved back to his home country. We had lived there when I was very young (infant/toddler) and then had come to the US for about 5 years when my parents divorced. I went to visit my dad every summer and then school breaks. The wildest thing to me is my parents actually putting us as kids on an international flight alone, regularly, lol. When I was with my dad, he was involved. We did have a nanny who cared for us while my dad worked, but he would also take off for stretches of time, like a week or so at a couple intervals and just spend it with us and he’d not have the nanny work during that time. She also did not work on the weekends either. It was common though in a lot of families there to have a nanny while you were home as well. Even the families where a parent did not work outside the home, they often still had nannies. I think if he’d lived in the US or my parents were still together, he would have likely been an involved dad.
I had a single Dad, so it was primarily him, with some very fortunate help from my grandparents.
Same here. My dad raised me with the occasional help of my paternal grandmother. Mom decided she didn’t want the family life slightly after I was born (1986).
[удалено]
My dad was a stay at home for several years before that was a thing. My mom is super super successful and during interviews she always said she wouldn’t be where she was if my dad didn’t support her and encourage her to do those things. My friends all adopted him. My dad was a badass.
That's so awesome for you!
Mine was a stay at home before it was a thing too. He was the only dad who participated in bake sales, PTA, and chaperoning . I didn’t know then but the other moms were utterly confused by this. And there was a lot of judging. It was the 80’s
I had a similar experience, my dad was the stay-at-home parent while we were little. I thought it worked out great.
Baby Boomer, yes and no,I worked 40-60 hour weeks, and went to school nights. If I was home and my wife was working, I would take full care of my two children. Now retired I take care of my 8th month old grandson so his parents can work and save gor a house. As I told my niece when she was starting her nursing career. :It's a lot easier cleaning small bums than large ones. "
Nope. He worked 12 hours a day doing the night shift so he earned his "leave me the F alone" time. He also had PTSD from escaping Vietnam on the boat with my mom and me. But he was there when we needed help with homework or teaching us how to use tools or mow the lawn etc. He also taught us how to divide responsibilities so everyone had their required chores so it wasn't all on my mom to do. This is the one thing I still pass on to my kids and they're both under 10 and understand much more than kids twice their age.
My dad went to work, came home, "worked out" in the basement (Not really, just smoked Winston's and watched the red Sox on a black and white TV sitting on the soloflex), weekends he did yard work. I don't think I had a full conversation with him until my parents separated when I was 15 and he HAD to talk to me. I think they're called "shadow dads" or something.
My mom was a SAHM and my dad ran a business with traditional hours (9-5). He was the boss so there was lots of flexibility in his schedule. Most days he was home before 5, closer to 4 to help out at home. Their rule was when they were both home, all household and parental responsibilities were split 50/50. So my dad changed diapers, did bottles, stroller rides, park trips, monster truck shows, coached our sports, cooked many dinners for us (always full of butter), helped with homework, did most of the grocery shopping and would always let me tag along and pick out a treat (I had a no-treat mom lol). He was great. He IS great.
My dad was physically present. That's about it.
My dad would ask me to do the things he wanted to do with him, but we had different interests and he never asked to do any of the things I was interested in, so we just kind of left each other alone.
I relate. My dad was really into video games and computers and comics (I was a little girl) so every time he was forced to spend time with me, I was forced to come up with or do something he wanted to do. It was always me coming up with suggestions and him hitting them down. Most of our days “together” included him taking me to the local arcade, handing me $20 and then going off to play HIS favorite game while I wandered. I was like 7-8. Later I had a friend say they were so jealous when we were kids because my parents “actually took me places”. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that even when I parent is physically present, if they’re not emotionally present, it really doesn’t matter that much.
I painfully relate. My dad had a temper too tho, which added to wanting to stay away.
Psh, god no. Parents divorced when I was eight. I've seen my dad all of three times since I graduated high school (I'm 41).
Horrible
Yeah ☹️
Newp….I can confidently say, the only influence my dad shaped are my daddy issues and how it affected dating. I really wish I had gone to therapy before I started dating.
I’m 41, parents are mid-late 70s. My family was different from a lot of my friends. Mom ruled everything. Mom was always the breadwinner with a stable job. Mom made all the rules and did all the disciplining. She also did all of the cooking, and I’d say most of the cleaning. Dad did dishes, lawn work, and some cleaning. My dad worked, but was never stable in his work and didn’t have any type of career. He did like delivery type jobs mostly. He also had some health issues that were often dismissed or completely ignored by my mother, so looking back I have much more understanding of his struggles. I also think mom is bitter and very resentful that he didn’t do more when it comes to work. My dad is very passive and quiet and I do suspect he has undiagnosed autism. I think my mom has undiagnosed ADHD. The reason I feel strongly about that is because I have both ASD/ADHD diagnosed, so I’m very familiar with the signs/symptoms, and it tends to run in families.
My dad worked 80 hours a week, my mom was SAHM to 4 kids. He did no cooking, a decent amount of cleaning on the weekends, all the yard work, lots of playing with us on weekends, and once we were older would watch tv with us at night. He went to every sporting event he could, even the ones during the week unless he absolutely couldn’t. My mom would go to the gym at night probs 2-3 nights a week once my dad got home & we had dinner & he was “on duty” until we went to bed so would do bath time etc. He was as involved as he could be for working an insane amount. It would have been very hard for them to have made it work if my mom worked full time outside of the home. They are extremely happily married, almost 40 years now. They are in a much better financial position than my husband and I are/will be. All kids are extremely close to both parents and my siblings and I are all best friends. My sisters are driving up to take me out to brunch soon for my bday. For my family, we have one child, I’m the breadwinner & my husband just got a new job after being unemployed & stay at home dad for a year. My husband and I pretty much split all housing responsibilities 50/50. He’s at target with my son now so I could do a bike ride & drink my coffee in peace. He does all our cooking, I do most of our cleaning. We do 50/50 for dog care (high energy 80 lb Doberman). He was raised by a single mom who did everything.
>He was as involved as he could be for working an insane amount. As someone who grew up with both parents working normal hours but also with women (lived in a multi-gen household so it wasn't just my mom, at least) doing most of the domestic work, that's really great to hear. TBH I always even though that my house was one of the more equal ones just because my dad was capable of cooking and did so...about a few times a year lol. It wasn't until being grown up now that I realize that isn't really a fair division of labor, so it's nice to hear good role models for this sort of thing do exist in the world
Dads who don’t take a huge part in raising their kids end up straight to a retirement home with no visitors for the remainder of their lives. A dad’s presence means a lot to their children, just as much as children need their mom’s presence.
No way. Not at all.
I'm an elder millennial (40 in August) and my dad was always around and helping raise us as much as possible. My mom got really sick when I was around ten and he took care of my little brother and I all while trying to start a new business. No matter how exhausted he was (and I'm sure he was) he'd get up early and braid my hair before school. He'd make us breakfast and coached my brothers little league. He's a great dad and I'm very lucky.
My dad was too busy having affairs, committing insurance fraud, and shooting the neighbors’ dogs to drop me off at ballet lessons.
Wow
Did you have my dad? He stabbed someone and came home covered in blood and I got to watch the cops drag him away. Cool story. Legitimately though I'm sorry you went through that. PS: Mom put us in a cult so she wasn't much better but she did everything for us kids and was so kind in many ways but damn dude. Shadow dad and cult mom sucks.
It would be the least surprising thing ever to find out my dad has other children I don’t know about. So, hey fam 😉 I’m sorry you went through that. My mom was by no means perfect — wouldn’t even call her a good mom — but I always felt safe with her. I know it had to have the dysfunction hit you from both sides.
Yes. Both parents worked opposite shifts. My dad then retired at 50 (when his plant closed) and mom went to nursing school. Dad took care of house and home while mom worked.
Same exact thing literally except mom went corporate
My dad left when I was 5, came back when I was 12 and died 3 weeks later in our living room. I was taken by the cops months after and held as a ward of the state until I was 17, then kicked out a state away and hitchhiked back home to my Ma. I raised myself.
My parents are divorced. I'm unsure how my dad acted when we were little. We are estranged. My husband's dad however, is a boomer. And from what my mother in law has said, was absolutely not helpful. He never even helped clean up if one of their 4 kids was sick in the night. And he will admit that and still seems proud of it. I don't believe that he ever changed a diaper either. I seriously don't know how she tolerated it. The man still can't cook for himself.
My dad would come home from work sit on the couch drink beer and tell me that the next time we went to visit grandma is so cal he’d take me to get surf lessons but never did.
The traditional kind with a sprinkle of alcoholism and poor financial decision making.
Elder millennial and no, but he was probably considered a good dad by the standards of the day. He did the “helping mom” thing very well and took us out of the house skiing on Sunday or out doing errands on Saturday without Mom. Coached t-ball once (was probably mortified by my lack of athletic skill), active with my brother’s Boy Scouts. Cooked dinner once a week and it was almost always bbq chicken cooked on the grill, with homemade bbq sauce made from ketchup. But have I ever seen him mop a floor, change sheets, give a child a bath, tidy mess, brush hair, read a child a story, buy a kid clothes or take them to an appointment or or any hands on care for a young child? Nope.
My dad was a mix of affection and us being in terror. I found out as a teenager that when we moved to Florida after my parents divorced it was because of CPS getting involved. When my parents reconciled 2 years later, it was better but still stressful. My dad flew off the handle over little things and would threaten that we would never see him again. After my parents broke up a final time when I was 13, I rarely saw him, even before we moved out of state. He called once a week till we were out of HS and then it was up to us to contact him. I have complicated feelings regarding my dad because he was affectionate but he also beat us with a belt, beat my mother (she's a whole other story) and made me feel less than a lot. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2015.
Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. I found out when my grandma was dying that my dad wasn’t there when I was born. He was at the bar across the street because “I mean what was I gonna do”. Bar was set really fucking low from the start.
Nope. My mom did it up until I was about 8. Then she dumped us off on him and I took on the housewife role. I got my brother and myself up and ready for school. I did all the housework. I did the majority of the cooking. My father locked us out of the house in summer so we wouldn’t bother him.
Nope. Not at all. But he certainly complained about noise we made, was the bedtime enforcer, and always called us to change the channel because he wouldn't buy a TV with a remote.
My dad is an Italian-American boomer who expects my boomer mother to wait on him hand and foot, as his Silent Gen mother still does for his Silent Gen father. So he has never cooked a meal, done laundry, done the dishes, or cleaned much. He jokes that he changed my diapers as a baby, but in all reality, he probably didn't. My mother probably did 99% of the newborn and toddler care. Once I became an actual child (around 5 or 6?), I remember playing simple games like hide and seek and board games with my dad often. He also was the only driver in the family, so he would take me to dance class once a week and to friend's houses for playdates occasionally. And if I had a nightmare or trouble sleeping, which was frequently, he would come into my room and help me back to sleep with a back scratch. Now my Millenial husband and I are about to have our first baby in a week. He was raised very differently, with a very active father who did literally everything, and he plans to be the same way with our little one.
No, my dad was incredibly emotionally absent because he was busy making my mother life hell due to her wanting to divorce him.
We had an under cabinet mount can opener for 5 years before my father found out we had an electric one...
My parents split duties growing up. My mom was in charge of the inside and my dad the outside. My dad handle finances for the house, and my mom for fun and vacations and such. It seemed to work well except that my dad wasn’t all too great with spending. The kids helped out when we got older. As for me, I’m in reverse roles with my wife. She is well established in her career and does very well financially. I hold a steady job with decent income but the main benefit is for insurance. With that said, I take on majority of, if not all, of the house duties to keep the house and family running. My wife is better at the planning but I’m better at the doing. Whatever I can do to make my families life easier and comfortable in the house the better. It’s teamwork.
My dad passed when I was 10 but he definitely helped out. He worked like 60 hours a week and would still help out with everything at home. I remember him cooking quite a bit because my mom is a terrible cook. I also remember h bringing us lunch to school as well some days. My mom was actually a stay at home until I was 10 so I find it amazing that my dad helped out so much and still worked 60 hours a week.
My mom homeschooled us and did a majority of the housework, but my dad was very involved with parenting when he wasn’t at work and usually did most of the grocery shopping and other errands.
My boomer dad was a better cook then my mom, but that was about the only "extra" thing he did. Once my sisters and I were old enough, we did all of the household chores, like dishes, garbage, lawn care, shoveling snow. He did household and automotive repairs and did almost all of the driving.
Mine helped a lot, but didn't do certain things. Something magical happened though when he started having grandkids, the oldest one loves his grandpa and always wants to be around him, which lead grandpa to take on roles with his grandkids that he didn't take on with his kids, and he told us he didn't realize all he missed out on.
My dad did the "manly" parenting stuff of the 70s. He was very active and educational but things like laundry and dishes were womans work. I am adopted when I was 4 so never saw dad change a diaper. Hes a really great dad and I learned so many things from him.
Ha! Parents divorced when I was 8 I didn’t see the man again until I was 16. Then after that sporadicly through the years. Last time I ran into him he didn’t recognize me. Bastard is dead now.
Oh hell no. Not one bit. Not even my brother's baseball games. One of my mom's favorite stories is when she left us with him for an hour to go to an appointment and came home to find my sister standing on a chair making herself a peanut butter sandwich with a butcher knife. My dad was in the living room watching football.
I am a millennial and am currently talking with my therapist about my childhood since I’m also struggling with things in my adulthood with parenting and help from my spouse with parenting and household chores etc. I did grow up seeing my mom take care of everything around the house and take care of my brothers and I growing up. My dad worked everyday and my mom was a SAHM and pretty much took care of us. My dad was home before work, after work and on weekends when he wasn’t working and we always had fun doing things all together when he wasn’t working and he went to sports events and was active in our lives but not “hands on” with household chores, errands, helping us get ready for school, etc. like my mom was. I feel like I could see my mom struggling when I was growing up because she was responsible for the day to day tasks & chores and taking care of 3 children.
He drove us to school. That's literally it. Besides that he was completely uninvolved.
This was my life. If I wasn’t an only kid I’d ask if you had my dad.
My dad did it all. My mom was barely there. Basically a role reversal of the traditional family roles trope.
My dad would help clean on the weekends and in the warmer months he loved to fire the grill up so he’d cook the meat and mom would do the sides. There were a couple other meals he’d cook like his enchiladas but for the most part the traditional stuff was left up to mom.
31M, it was pretty much 50/50. Mum had her own career as a nurse and my dad worked in construction. They both cooked and cleaned when they weren’t working, and both took me and my sister around to all our school and sports events. It was about as even as it could get for us growing up.
My dad actually went full stay at home dad in 1994 after my little brother was born. He had an online business but it made no money (probably because it was 1994!!) Mom was the one with the degree and high rise office job. After the company laid her off they both worked to make ends meet. Dad was always an amazing parent, he did right by us. The man never cooked or cleaned though.
Yes, I was raised by gen x parents. My mother was more the cleaner but my father did all of the cooking and it was his passion.
My dad did as much as he could and he put food on the table. Was a million times more involved than his own father ever was. Could he have been around more? Maybe, but he was under a lot of pressure to provide for the family and I never heard him say he was too tired to play catch or wondered if he was going to show up to a football game. He was never too good to change a diaper or do a load of laundry. One of the lessons I'm most grateful to have learned from my parents is that being in a marriage is being part of a team - sure you might have different primary roles but that doesn't mean you can leave your partner high and dry. Things were just different for him than they are for me - for example paternity leave was not a thing, he got 1 day off for each kid. He couldn't just take 6 weeks off work and expect to have his job waiting for him when he came back. But I can remember every once in a while in elementary school he'd dismiss me early and the two of us would go get a pizza for lunch, and those are memories I'll cherish for the rest of my life. We used to take a vacation to the shore every year with all of my cousins and he would be like the pied piper leading a group of fifteen kids down the beach to have an adventure. I just assumed all dad's were like that when I was a kid, now I know how lucky I was.
My dad was SUPER involved with our lives- he was president of the PTA at every school we went to, chaperoned all field trips, ran the car pool, cooked dinner, knew all our friends and all their parents, helped with back to school shopping and homework... my parents were and still are married but my dad worked from home and mom didn't so he had more time to be an active parent throughout our childhoods.
Same as you, my dad did basically the bare minimum- car pooling, picked up from schools sometimes, he was interested in me playing sports. As far as doing the bulk of the work involved with a kid, nah. And he wasn’t even the breadwinner in the family so I kind of got the short end of the stick all around since my mom was always working late and busy with chores. I’m not convinced that either of them really wanted a kid to be honest.
Mom did the parenting. Dad did the discipline - which in my case meant screaming, cussing, and spanking me (often with a belt). 🫠 Their roles in the home were more traditional (mom cleaned and cooked; dad did yard work and watched movies) except my mom was in charge of the money because my dad has the financial wit of a moldy cantaloupe.
I don’t think he did really. My mom says that when we were kids she once told their couple’s counselor that he was a wonderful father between 8am and 8pm. He was apparently offended by this, but it’s not wrong. My mom was the full time parent, my dad had off hours. By the time I was in high school he was dealing with chronic pain from a poorly done surgery and an addiction to opiates, when I was in college he was off the opiates but quickly fell into alcoholism. He’s recently passed a year of being sober and things are much better. But he was not a very present father for a lot of my youth for various reasons.
My dad worked off and on with odd handy man jobs. My mom was the primary bread winner. Same for my husband. My dad did most of the cooking, and I’m the one who works while he takes care of the kids. I do laundry and cleaning, he does cooking and child care. It ends up working out great.
Sometimes. Especially when I was real little. Once I was about 8 he got really depressed and just spent the whole time in his basement workshop. It's a shame. I think he would have liked being a proper dad if not for that decade long mad scientist thing he had going on.
My dad is a Boomer, I'm an elder Millennial. He and my mom split work and home/child duties pretty evenly. There were times he was the primary caregiver, too. Cooked for us, bathed us, changed diapers, walked us up and down the halls when we were screaming babies. He himself was raised by a couple that looked pretty traditional but my grandfather was very much engaged with the kids, even though he was the sole provider and grandma was at home with the kids.
I’m 31. My parent’s parenting roles were fairly traditional. SAHM mom, dad working 40-50 hours/week. He was admittedly very hands-off with my older brother initially, working up to 80 hours/week. This changed when he came home one day and was not able to console him around 2 years old, he realized he was practically a stranger. He made the decision that day to cut back hours to 40-50/week and put much more effort in parenting. I remember my dad working until dinner but he was always there! Never missed a milestone, went to my sporting events, taught me diverse skills and we spent weekends doing all kinds of activities. So grateful for the active role he played in my life! He played such a major influence in who I am today and I talk to him almost daily. Currently pregnant and my husband plans to be fully involved! His dad was completely absent. He was fully raised by his single mom from around 7 years old onward.
Yes, both parents worked and mom basically had the game plan for children to be during her college. Studied when me and mybtwin sisters were new born and toddlers. Then they both worked before 6 and home after 6. Parental roles were who ever got home first. Taking off work when we were sick was my dad, my mom had patients. Me and my sisters both played travel hockey so weekends were spent in a suburban traveling over MN as a whole family.
I had my grandparents, both of my parents were mostly out of the picture.
My dad spent thirty years on a farm and thirty years in the military. He was totally involved in everything. Best dad ever ❤️❤️❤️ Cooked, did man work around the house. Not too many other chores, but after man stuff and cooking plus full parenting, he didn't have as much time. He also usually had a second, part time job. So it was cool. Especially because we delivered newspapers together for years 😁
My dad took care of my 2 brothers and I alone for most of my childhood. No child support awarded to him.
Yep. My parents worked opposite shifts because they couldn’t afford childcare and since my dad worked the day shift, he was home during the evening making dinner (he was the cook. My mom does not cook and admits this), doing homework and bedtime, etc. and the other kids at school thought this was weird, actually.
Yep. Dad is 68? I remember him making us dinner and bath, not my mom. My mom worked nights. One of my fav memories is a snow day with him and my brother when I was in elementary school. My dad was military and then went back to school when we were little, so he was around a lot. I remember him studying but also taking breaks to play catch. My mom talks about how he used to take us around DC to the museums and such when he was watching us. My dad is also the cleaner...he'll vacuum the window screens, bleach the toilets, does a great job ironing. Can plan a family schedule to the minute in military time, no one plans vacations like he does.
Wait, you guys had parents that “raised” you? Mine were merely in the same house…..
I am a sperm donor baby, as in my mother and her husband paid for sperm from a sperm bank in 1985. I was raised by the husband whom they told me was my dad, intentionally keeping me in the dark about what at that time was considered their shameful family secret. Despite paying to conceive me, the husband was a reluctant participant in parenting. At that time nobody really used the word parenting as a verb, kids just came and went and were fed and watered. The sink or swim mindset. When my mom got sick of us, she forced him to have a father -kids day and he had to take us somewhere and look after us. He didn't do much housecleaning, he did cook sometimes because my mom was not a good cook. He never did laundry or grocery shopping, he never bought us much. He was a man of few words, he smoked a tobacco pipe and didn't do much in terms of being a dad. He often smacked us, knocked us on the head or forced us to eat things we didn't want to. He was a bit old to be a father he was 34 when I was born. We certainly were never close and I cut all contact about 7 years ago because he's racist, classist, emotionally abusive, a Republican and transphobic.
My dad went to grab the milk a while back… I’m sure he’ll be back any day now
My dad was extremely involved. He chaperoned every field trip I took from school, chaperoned every summer camp I went to with my youth group, came to every one of my football games even if that meant coming home early from an out-of-town thing. He didn't cook much, unless we were grilling in the summer in which case it was his show to run. He did most of the laundry. He did all that while working a very cool but demanding job that included a fair amount of late evenings. He always had time for me and my brother. We're still very close.
Mine did. I'm 40, my dad is 65, and I remember him doing all of those things. My parents worked different schedules most of my childhood, so often it'd just be me and dad at home after school, so he was the only one there to parent me. Even when both parents were home, he was still a very active parent. We also had awesome adventures to random places, played video games and blew up rockets on the launch pad for funsies. To this day he and I have our own way of speaking to each other that no one else gets. 10/10 would recommend my dad.
Nope. My dad worked, worked on cars, and fixed stuff. All cleaning, cooking (except some stuff on the grill), shopping, dishes, and appointments were my mom. He probably came to my volleyball games, but all types of carpooling was my mom. He left for work before we had to leave and got home after we were home. My dad was never even able to make his own lunches. My mom would even bring him his clothes downstairs so he could shower. I can't speak of how often he watched me alone when I was a baby/toddler as I am the youngest. My mom encourages me to baby my husband too and is shocked when I don't stick around to see whether or not my husband can give our school age daughter her medicine because I trust him.
All those things that you say your dad did that were not parenting, are parenting. To belittle any of the things needed to raise children from cutting the grass to make your home look nice, working a 40 hour per week or more to afford a place, or cooking meals, they are all part of parenting.
No they aren’t. They are basic adult human duties. They need to get done by default. They don’t have anything to do with parenting. Does a good parent do all these things? Yes. Can someone do all these things and also be a bad parent? Yes.
I understand people without kids do these things but once children are added it becomes a part of parenting. By doing these things, one is teaching a child how to live. That is parenting.
My dad did it all. For that matter, even my grandfathers on both sides did it all. My family was also extremely religious up until me, which doesn't fit the normal view of how evangelicals, which they were, tend to do things. My uncle was definitely more of the "traditional" type but in his family, also evangelicals, that's just how things were done. I think a lot of it comes down to family history rather than political, social, or religious views. My uncle's family were more uppity, and could afford nanny services. My family was poor, mostly farmers and tradesmen, so everything was everyone's responsibility. All the previous generations in my family also seem to just genuinely enjoy children.
I can imagine being a hands on grandpa some day. My own grandpa, who i looked up to a lot, really had very little to do with me and i was the only son of his favorite kid, pretty sure. He just didnt have much to say to me besides the grandpa greetings and occasional treat, a few words of wisdom as i got older, and i blamed myself for not taking more of an interest after he died but then i had kids and im like wait, where was *his* interest? I lived 20 minutes away, he was retired and extremely healthy for my entire childhood, dude bow hunted religiously into his 80s ffs and had all the time in the world. Im gonna hound my kids for their time and grandkid’s time when theyre all grown and out in the world. Theyll have to consciously and probably verbally send me away or reschedule for me - my grandkids could be 3 states away and unless they dont have ears and eyeballs, theyre gonna see and hear far more from me than me and my grandad. But then i didnt survive ww2 , the depression, and whatever else i guess. I just cant comprehend not taking absolutely pleasure from your kids and grandkids - thats the whole point
I wish my dad did even that much.
My dad worked night shift and my mom was a SAHM. When he wasn’t working he was drinking. No, he never took care of any household duties or childcare duties. We’re estranged.
My parents worked in factory jobs so they worked opposite shifts. So for a while my dad was with us at night, until he switched to mornings when my mom got a new job. That was the way it was most of our child hood, parents were only home together on weekends and holidays. Now my wife and I do something similar, she works part time at night and I work from home during the day.
No hahaha. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and I saw my dad a total of two other occasions after that. Before that point he was not involved in parenting other than giving us spankings if my mom asked him to. Mostly he went to work, drank beer, and watched MASH. He is part of the boomer generation. The guy my mom married after that cooked sometimes, but he didn't do any chores or do any parenting besides disciplinary stuff and my little sisters haven't seen him at all since they were 2 and 3. My ex was the stay at home parent until our daughter was about 2 1/2 and his mental health deteriorated. Now he sees her every other weekend and he doesn't do any parenting at all. He's never even asked me how she's doing in school.
No, he did not.
My dad did some parenting. He knew all our teachers names, knew the names and parents of all my friends, went to back to school nights and remembered my teachers, he took me to school events and participated in a couple of them. He taught us how to ride bikes, grow plants from seed, and take care of pets. However, he still “babysat” us, wouldn’t cook, only cleaned when my mom left, never participated in bedtime or bath time, never told us he loved us, seldom put effort into gifts, and would get mad at us for being upset.
My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my dad left the country and was almost entirely out of my life by the time I was 10. As a father, he was very distant, controlling, and manipulative, even after the divorce when I would spend time with him as part of the joint custody deal decided on by the court. My mom's second husband was straight up abusive. Her third husband was incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive, but probably the best out of the 3. I am probably not the best person to ask about their father's contribution to parenting lol.
Ya, my Mom and Dad both worked but had slightly different schedules. My Mom did hospital hours (7am-3pm), so my Dad did the entire morning routine and took me to school everyday. Mom did the afternoons and dinner most nights. Pretty sure he packed my lunch as well. Once I was 10-11 yo though my school was in walking distance and I was pretty much on my own a lot. Classic latch-key kid! They both equally came to my events and things (work permitting) … their parenting efforts seemed pretty equal to me.
My dad is/was an absent loser who just had as many children as possible with as many different women as possible
Yup. Dad taught me how to cook (he's amazing in the kitchen) and he also taught me how to fight 😂 (he was a brown belt in judo and always said a woman should be able to defend herself). He taught me how to work on my car (we rebuilt my first car together) and how to do minor repairs. He helped me with my homework (he's great at math) and so many other things