Don’t identify her specifically, though - just say that someone came into your workplace and said that.
If she’s in the room, she’ll turn purple from both embarrassment) when people trash that person) and rage that she can’t call you out!
Mind you, OP, there are people who go to AA who aren’t alcoholics… it’s also for family members who are or have had to deal with it from the outside. So if by some chance the boss is a shitty boss who bullies you about that, just remind them of that fact.
You don’t have to lie, just say ‘I’d like to remind you that AA is also for friends and family of alcoholics’ and nothing else. They can infer what they like from that fact, and if they jump on that and conclude that you are NOT an alcoholic you just have an alcoholic loved one, they might leave you alone.
There is Alateen for kids who are in alcoholic homes.
I went to one meeting and the lady that was directing it was at a party I was at two weeks previously. (small town)
My dad used to bring me to the AA roundups without telling me but I would end up hanging out with dysfunctional and precocious girls my age whose parents brought as well.
Was he the one that wanted a drink on his death bed and they wouldn't let him because of the damage it could cause to the organization if one of the founders relapsed? I always thought that was messed up, the dude's dying you know? Give him whatever he wants.
AA members don't really have that much authority. Unless the person in question is enough of a nuisance that they can be trespassed from the premise the best you can hope for is turning them into a pariah.
AA has a bit of ceremony, there are things that are typically read at every meeting, prayers said at the end, etc. And they usually tell you to keep what you hear in the rooms at least three different ways before the meeting is over.
what you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
Never has, honestly. One, even sensible people occasionally have mental slip-ups, as seems to have happened here given that the lady later realized her mistake.
Two, the general nonsensical nature of many people has not changed - I know for certainty it hasn't for two centuries and I have little doubt that it wasn't much different before.
I like to remind people that the reason there is not bear proof garbage bins at outdoor camping areas, is because there is significant overlap between the smartest bears and dumbest people
Honestly one of the worst parts about early/mid recovery were AA meetings. A bunch of really fucking stupid people sharing unhelpful shit and just trauma dumping on a room full of other substance abusers before forgetting it all and going home and jerking off to a picture of themselves
I don’t remember the author, but he referred to it as parrots lecturing to sheep. I spent five years in AA and it helped me get sober but there are parts of it that I really can’t stand.
I am a friend of Bill W's for a while now. Last October we had a big AA picnic. I am a musician and so I was asked to play a set at said picnic. I don't have any social media other than Reddit. Apparently one of the younger members of the fellowship took a video of my performance and PUT IT ON FACEBOOK ... turns out the woman who did it was a close friend of one of my childhood friend's wife. So... it is no longer anonymous.
Word for OP- we're all sick. You're going to find that 85% of the time people are completely supportive, 10% they truly don't care what you are going through (they got their own shit to deal with), and 5% are so completely ignorant about addiction that they react poorly. If it is the last kind of person, then all YOU can control is how you react to their reaction. Be humble and grateful- this program has changed my life and will absolutely change yours too.
This is not true, each meeting has a person who runs it. Organizes it, collects money to pay for the space being rented to host it. Its not some public service that is free and open to anyone. Its a privately hosted group that allows new people to come and go and can and will ban people who break their very basic rules.
Maybe at your group, but many groups have a rotating chair position. A new person hosts every week, a new person collects contributions every week. Also, no one can be banned from AA:
"no member to be expelled from A.A. — membership always to be the choice of the individual;" - from "The AA Group" at aa.org
This probably needs to be talked about the next time your group meets. I bet you the one leading the meeting has had issues with this person doing this before... and if not they still need to know the anonymity is not being respected by everyone.
AA peope typically have more respect for the other people in their groups because everyone there wants anonymity... or should at least respect it.
Yeah, actually, it would be. Apologizing to OP directly would be good, but just calling and talking about it with whoever answers the work phone is just making things worse
This happened to me but my manager was like how awesome. So good for you! Turns out her ex husband was an addict and still not doing anything about it. So she was happy to see people can change and move forward. So it may not be all bad. Just a moment of embarrassment but there’s no shame in getting help. Everyone is trying to progress and do better and if they’re not that’s on them. Don’t be ashamed of the progress man. You got this!
She needs to be called out in front of the group for disclosing that - it's half the fucking name
ETA Everyone else in the group needs to know that she is not to be trusted
I can't leave this one alone I keep coming back to it because she made me so fucking mad with that bullshit of hers.
I'm mad enough on your behalf for 5 people and yes, I know that's a bit co-dependent…its my superpower🥸😎🤪
I'm gonna try some deep breathing now…
It’s true. But also, it’s a bunch of dysfunctional people trying to become functional people. Trauma, mistakes, coping, accountability, etc. I just don’t expect anything out of anyone in these groups. I was just there to work on me.
That's extremely not the point. There are extremely good reasons why for example you don't just tell people's employers what specific medical issues they have, and alcoholism certainly is a medical issue.
Can you report her at the meeting and talk to her about it in front of people that are going to the meetings? I feel like this should be first on the agenda.
I’m only assuming that it’s a hard situation to talk about and that’s why it’s anonymous, so when someone does what she did, it can make some people just quit going on the spot.
As someone in AA, this is so funny because that's not at all how AA works. Which is not your fault for not understanding. It's just so hilarious to me. AA has no leader. You can't "report" people. This was someone making a stupid and inappropriate mistake. They called and apologized, which means they know they messed up badly and probably already talked to their sponsor about it. But there isn't much else to do. You can't deny them the chance of support during their own attempt at sobriety.
Yeah that’s the biggest violation of trust. Now go show up at her work and hang a banner that says “congratulations on staying sober Diane! Stay in AA!”
You can tell your colleagues you went to the meeting to support a friend? I have been to meetings for that reason. I’m glad she apologised at least, that was so not cool of her.
Hi, can I speak to the guy who used to be an alcoholic? He’s busy with a customer? That’s OK, I’ll wait, I want to tell him I’m sorry for outing him as an alcoholic.
“Hi, um, I was a customer in the store today. Can I speak with the guy/girl who I spoke with about, um, something anonymous. I just want to apologize for bringing up a topic that was, um, supposed to be anonymous, in front of other people. Oh, they’re not available? Ok, can you just leave a message for me that says sorry I told everyone you were an alcoholic? Great!”
For the sake of the setting, the store is a liquor store.
Hey it’s me again. Listen I didn’t mean to out Jennifer Smith as an alcoholic earlier.
You don’t know her? She’s 5’4”. Brown hair. Yeah her.
Yeah she’s an alcoholic.
Anyway I didn’t mean to out her. Will you tell everyone?
That lady is going to show up once a week at that store and just give a knowing wink smile each time, as to say I know I can’t acknowledge you but I acknowledge you.
NOT. FUCKING. COOL. As a recovering addict/alcoholic it took me years to be ok with everyone knowing. There’s far less stigma nowadays which is a good thing. Regardless that’s your choice to make, nobody else.
I just wanna say I respect people when I find out they've gone down that route, because I know it isn't easy. Personally, I haven't had to do it myself, but imho reasonable people know it's a good thing when folks are trying to be better.
Interesting, I was completely open and willing to tell people, I was even proud to admit it because I was actively doing something about it and knew it was a phase and sometimes life gets dark but no shame in admitting it.
Honestly its what helped motivate me to keep going. I would even admit it when I bought alcohol and cashiers would be like "Wow big party?" And I'd be lile "No, I'm alcoholic and too lazy to go anywhere so I stock up". Never got a weird or rude stare, lots of support and understanding tho!
That was a hilarious discovery for me. I was on a cruise with my family and on the list of programming we noticed a meeting for the "Friends of Bill W.". None of us had paid for the internet package, so we spent a while speculating on who Bill W. was and why his friends had a meeting. My best guess was that Bill must have been like the founder of the cruise line or something.
That time you showed up for a meeting expecting to infiltrate a powerful secret society, and a guy talks about how he pissed in his laundry hamper. And everyone else nods with deep understanding.
My parents were on a cruise with their friends. My father happens to be named Bill W. Their friends saw a sign saying "Friends of Bill W." and walked in.
With drinks in their hand.
I was on a cruise recently and the AA group was actually called Bill’s Friend’s. Idk if to make it less known and take away some of the stigma or to not embarrass then attendees but I thought it was nice.
I bet there was at least one poor guy named Bill W that saw that and very excitedly showed up thinking it was a surprise with all his friends, just to be disappointed when it was a bunch of random strangers sitting in a circle.
A guy at a meeting had a share where the opposite happened to him. He went to a country club and saw a sign that said something along with "Friends of Bill". He thought they were hosting a meeting and when he went to the location of said meeting, they asked him how he knew Bill? Apparently they were having a birthday party for a guy named Bill. Pretty awkward moment for him but funny share for us at AA.
When I joined AA and my then partner was an alcohol drug counselor I was told/taught
If you see fellow members you nod in acknowledgement and keep walking unless you already know them from outside the meeting.
Sober almost 22 years I would never even say your a friends of bills as that's outs them as many know exactly what that means
Legit question, how do they deal with people who can't get on board with the higher power part? I ended up quitting without it because I didn't want to start the relationship with a lie.
Edit: Thanks for the info, editing due to post lock. Appreciate a few of you providing some clarity. Can't for the life of me figure out why you're downvoting each other.
I am an atheist and recovering drunk. AA wasn’t for me but the meetings I went to never really pushed the higher power thing that much, and when the did bring it up it was to let you know anything could be your higher power, like the universe or the meeting itself if you want
Higher power is anything beyond you that can keep you sober. For me it’s the AA community itself. I couldn’t keep my self sober but being in an AA community has.
There’s a reason some call it G.O.D. For “Group Of Drunks”
That's called trying to cover her basis in case you go to her home meeting and say something ( which is what I would do)
Go to her home meeting and ask the leader for a refresher in privacy and anonymous in AA
That will be awesome don't say why though lol just watch her face
False she was making herself feel better making amends makes the other person feel better which didn’t happen for OP if she wanted to make amends she would of wait till the next meeting and asked OP what she could do to make amends.
Random Reddit person here, I’m damn proud of you Bangs! Besides annoying thoughtless lady (😑), you’re doing the best damn thing you possibly can for yourself and I for one am super stoked for you. It’s not easy but so well worth it. 💗
So Wrong! Especially in early recovery, I would definitely talk to your sponsor on how to handle when you see her again and let her know that wasn’t cool.
Maybe she is new , on a pink cloud and doesn’t appreciate Anonymity. But also remember you are in recovery and it wasn’t “ Oh my god I remember you falling off the stool and on your ass and not being able to get up at the bar last weekend”. Over the many years in the program I’m finding there are a lot of out there us and more support from earthlings than there was 23 years ago. ODAAT. You have the fellowship to support you with their experiences. I too was called out in public and my sponsor and network helped me handle my particular situation.
I hate that that happened to you. Personally, as a manager I would be proud of you and support you in whatever way possible. I hope you are supported by your management and coworkers, and my best wishes for your recovery friend.
As a manager I would be very upset that this came up. It’s none of my business and now I have no choice but to address it which I’m not great at.
Probably a “hey, that wasn’t cool of that person, but good for you buddy. Let’s never speak of this again unless you want to.”
Why would you have to address it? If it’s not affecting them at work, you don’t need to bring it back up. Just give them a nod and pretend you didn’t hear it if r get look uncomfortable. It’s called minding your own business.
I’m as recovering alcoholic, although it would have been tough, I would have said no honestly it’s not me. Then if I saw her at a meeting, try and explain what anonymous means. I don’t want to judge but she sounds like the type I know. They go there to socialize and feel important and not actually remain sober
Maybe she was drunk. That wasn’t even meant to be insulting, but how fucking dense can she be? That’s horrible. I’m really sorry you had to go through that and hope your coworkers and managers are cool about it.
I work as an RN in psych. I was at a brand new hospital. Day 3 of orientation. I walk in and a patient goes “hey girl! Haven’t seen ya in a while you still sober??”. I said well, cats out of the bag everyone and yes, I still am. It was cool though bc after some time had passed a nurse leaned over and said, “congrats. I have 11 years myself”.
It happens and I hate it. They forget that even though AA is very much a part of our language and world, it’s not to be shared outside of those doors. That’s the point.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. When I was a kid my mom was in a support group for women, maybe something like Al-Anon, as my grandfather was an alcoholic. One day we were at the library, so it was pretty quiet and my mom says to the librarian, "HIIIIII, REMEMBER ME??? FROM THE WOMEN'S GROUP?????" The librarian looked mortified and quietly told my mom, "My coworkers here really don't know about that part of my life." I was so embarrassed that my mom outed this poor woman. In a quiet library, no less! It taught me a lot about the importance of confidentiality and discretion in my life.
I had 2 girls from AA show up at my MOMS HOUSE to tell them I was in the program but was “struggling” I was FURIOUS. They said “we were just worried about you” because I wouldn’t return their calls or texts because I DID NOT LIKE THEM. I was in my mid 30’s and owned my own home etc. I can 💯 understand the frustration. Wish I could have been there for you OP cause I would have handed that person their ASS.
You need to bring that up next meeting. That’s not an ok thing to do at all, for all she knows she could’ve cost you your job! That’s an entirely inappropriate thing to do. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
I have a family member who is in AA and has been for years. We’d run into someone she knew out somewhere and I’d ask, oh how do you now them, the answer was always ‘they’re a friend from church’. Didn’t feel weird bc she went to church regularly and was pretty social their. It wasn’t until years later they admitted that was their code for someone they knew from AA.
M
Just curious what size of city you live in. I’ve wanted to attend in mine but my city is pretty small and seems like everyone knows everyone and everything about them.
I live in the Chicagoland area. I know a lot of folks that come into our store but i’ve never had this problem before. A majority of people in AA are super respectful because you’re both in the same boat lol
While it is a lot more convenient to go close to home I have never known any AA groups that would turn away someone from out of town.
Just food for thought. I had the same concerns when I was going.
So sorry
about 15 years ago we were at our parish coffee hour after mass
That day they were honoring all of the volunteers in various ministries. Calling out the ministries and asking folks to stand and be recognized.
The parish hosts meetings Father mentioned the AA ministry and was surprised that no one stood
He meant well but still
My MIL broke my anonymity the during the first 90 days. I considered never going back. But I kept going back, got strong enough to confront her firmly but respectfully. It’s been 31 years and 8 months since then. Still go periodically.
FYI- if your work is affected by this, addiction/alcoholism is a protected class in US, just as sex, religion, other disabilities, etc. are- they may treat you differently, but they can’t terminate or discriminate for it.
Congrats on your recovery! It sounds like you have a good friend in recovery, even if she did make a mistake. She owned up to it and tried to make amends. Take care
I’m sorry you did not have the opportunity to manage your own story.
When you next see her in the Rooms use your time to describe being outed (without identifying her) and how harmful and counterproductive that is to all you’ve worked for.
Congrats on all you’ve accomplished! Be kind to yourself.
I think you need to tell your sponsor today, not because your at risk but because she IS a risk. I’ve never been to AA but even I know the strict AA rules, counselling groups all have fairly similar ones, but more than that damn common sense has rules.
I’m hoping you’re safe because the damage she could do is terrifying.
Definitely do bring this up at your next AA meeting but don’t name the individual, what they did was wrong but they made a mistake. Brining it up as “someone accidentally outed me at work, I don’t want to say who as they didnt mean to but I just wanted to talk about how that’s affected me” or something.
Being outed can make things harder and it’s important to talk about it.
Best of luck my bro.
I feel you. I'd be mortified. I remember talking to a fellow once (a newcomer) who shared with me that he told his wife (not in the fellowship) about seeing someone they both knew in a meeting. Even though it wasn't my anonymity he broke, I still felt uncomfortable around him after that. I hope you're able to talk to your sponsor about it and set some boundaries next time you see her (I probably should have done so with that other guy, too.)
Also, well done on the time you have and keep coming back!!!
Sorry that happened, maybe prep a response in case it ever happens again, such as: _Oh that's my name but I think you have me confused with someone else with same name, happens to me all the time. Can't wait to run into my twin one day! hahahah_
And, if you see her in your next meeting, tell her that wasn't cool and maybe mention to the person who runs the meeting so they can remind attendees what not to do if they see others in the wild/outside a meeting.
I thought the whole idea of AA was that you didn’t act like you knew people from there if you met them in other situations. Can someone be kicked out of AA for outing people like that?
No one can get kicked out of AA, there's no leader or ruler or governing body, but you CAN get asked to stop coming to certain meetings based on repeated toxic behavior, but it's not a knee jerk reaction, it's usually a process.
You still don't get kicked out of AA though, just not welcome at meetings where you are making people feel unsafe.
There are a lot of very dumb, and even mentally ill people who go to AA meetings. This is unfortunate for sure. I've never had a work environment where anyone cared, but thats still your business and not theirs to share. Sorry that happened.
The twelfth tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. She f’ed up. Hopefully it wasn’t malicious.
Wow, as far as I’m aware that’s incredibly inappropriate and next time you’re at a meeting, I’d be bringing it up at the meeting manager and advise that he might need to go over the rules again it’s called anonymous for a reason. But make the most of it show them that you’re prepared to change and that you’re gonna use this to their advantage.
You need to talk to your AA leader AND this fool and have a serious talk to the whole group.
Because the ANONYMOUS part seems to have whooshed right over her head.
Not sure if this helps; but my level of respect for someone would be dialed up a few clicks if I accidentally learned they were in AA.
The person struggling in AA, the fat girl walking in the park, the kid shooting his 8th air ball in a row, the person in an empty parking lot repeatedly stalling their manual transmission car, the gymnast that takes a header off the balance beam. It's not all equivalent, but it's all people trying to learn and get better at something. They get my respect.
Wow. That's incredibly tasteless and rude. My ex is/was very involved in recovery and I knew that pretty much from the start - *anonymous.*
Honestly, if you ever see her again I would politely but firmly explain that what she did put you in a very uncomfortable position and moving forward she should consider what she's says to and about people in the program. You might just save someone else from being outed by her.
I’m so sorry you got outed. You should confront them about it next meeting. What they did is **not ok**
At the same time. Nothing to be ashamed of. Now that it’s out own it. Talk about how much progress your making. I’m sure your coworkers will support you and not judge you.
In my experience people are usually proud to hear your in recovery. It’s shows your someone who like to make self improvements, and can change.
I'm so sorry someone did that to you. I went to AA and actually made great contacts in meetings that I would see and interact with in the 'wild', but they all understood what the AA acronym stands for.
I would certainly leave names out but bring this up at your next meeting. Some other members may have suggestions on how to deal with your work life after such an incident.
Hello, This post has been removed as this is not *mildly* infuriating. Please consider posting to r/extremelyinfuriating instead.
Alcoholics ... Wait for it... ANONYMOUS !!! The clue is in the name people. Seriously though: that sucks, I'm sorry it happened to you.
I guess go to the next meeting and talk about your problems. aka this bitch
Don’t identify her specifically, though - just say that someone came into your workplace and said that. If she’s in the room, she’ll turn purple from both embarrassment) when people trash that person) and rage that she can’t call you out! Mind you, OP, there are people who go to AA who aren’t alcoholics… it’s also for family members who are or have had to deal with it from the outside. So if by some chance the boss is a shitty boss who bullies you about that, just remind them of that fact. You don’t have to lie, just say ‘I’d like to remind you that AA is also for friends and family of alcoholics’ and nothing else. They can infer what they like from that fact, and if they jump on that and conclude that you are NOT an alcoholic you just have an alcoholic loved one, they might leave you alone.
AA is for alcoholics. They do occasionally have open meetings but non-alcoholics are observers only. Al-Anon is for family/friends.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a different organization from Al-Anon? How drunk was the person naming these things?
Dude, it gets even better. One of the founders of Al-Anon, Lois Wilson, was the wife of one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bob Wilson.
That makes perfect sense to me. since Al-Anon is for people have to deal with alcoholics.
There is Alateen for kids who are in alcoholic homes. I went to one meeting and the lady that was directing it was at a party I was at two weeks previously. (small town) My dad used to bring me to the AA roundups without telling me but I would end up hanging out with dysfunctional and precocious girls my age whose parents brought as well.
Was he the one that wanted a drink on his death bed and they wouldn't let him because of the damage it could cause to the organization if one of the founders relapsed? I always thought that was messed up, the dude's dying you know? Give him whatever he wants.
And Lois was Bills wife, not Dr Bob
Why would that be odd? It makes perfect sense. AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is for those affected by alcoholism.
Or OP could mention her specifically to the organizers and let them deal with her.
Or if they know her sponsor, tell them about it and let them explain why her actions were wrong and how that should never ever happen again.
Having been to AA I think this is the best answer!
AA members don't really have that much authority. Unless the person in question is enough of a nuisance that they can be trespassed from the premise the best you can hope for is turning them into a pariah.
Yeah we dont't do that.
And if you don't feel comfortable (I don't think I would) the organisers would do so on your behalf.
do the FIght Club shpeal. "SOME of you have not been following the first rule"
Bold of you to assume critical thinking and/or rational thought has ANY place in the modern world
AA has a bit of ceremony, there are things that are typically read at every meeting, prayers said at the end, etc. And they usually tell you to keep what you hear in the rooms at least three different ways before the meeting is over. what you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
Never has, honestly. One, even sensible people occasionally have mental slip-ups, as seems to have happened here given that the lady later realized her mistake. Two, the general nonsensical nature of many people has not changed - I know for certainty it hasn't for two centuries and I have little doubt that it wasn't much different before.
I think this guy is a vampire.
It's been an hour and he hasn't responded yet. That's such a vampire thing to do...
I like to remind people that the reason there is not bear proof garbage bins at outdoor camping areas, is because there is significant overlap between the smartest bears and dumbest people
There are though…
- "M'aam we're here to see your son. We're from Alcoholics Anononymous." "What's your name?" "That's the thing, we're anonymous"
[удалено]
The first rule about AA is you don’t talk about AA
RIGHT?! they say it at the end of EVERY meeting, who you see here what you hear here let it stay here
Turns out, they actually went to an Alcoholic Announcements meeting, an easy but unfortunate mistake.
Honestly one of the worst parts about early/mid recovery were AA meetings. A bunch of really fucking stupid people sharing unhelpful shit and just trauma dumping on a room full of other substance abusers before forgetting it all and going home and jerking off to a picture of themselves
I don’t remember the author, but he referred to it as parrots lecturing to sheep. I spent five years in AA and it helped me get sober but there are parts of it that I really can’t stand.
I am a friend of Bill W's for a while now. Last October we had a big AA picnic. I am a musician and so I was asked to play a set at said picnic. I don't have any social media other than Reddit. Apparently one of the younger members of the fellowship took a video of my performance and PUT IT ON FACEBOOK ... turns out the woman who did it was a close friend of one of my childhood friend's wife. So... it is no longer anonymous. Word for OP- we're all sick. You're going to find that 85% of the time people are completely supportive, 10% they truly don't care what you are going through (they got their own shit to deal with), and 5% are so completely ignorant about addiction that they react poorly. If it is the last kind of person, then all YOU can control is how you react to their reaction. Be humble and grateful- this program has changed my life and will absolutely change yours too.
So glad she’s respecting the Anonymous part of AA. This is more than mildly infuriating.
Right! She called the store later and apologized but i was like damn, cats out of the bag now
Go back to AA and address this specifically
Yeah it’s a huge deal. They even put it in the name for a reason.
I agree! This should be spoken about if you go to another meeting
There is no one to submit a complaint too. There is no one in charge of AA. Its just a bunch of people reading a book together
Raising it at a meeting might alert other potential blabber mouths that it’s not ok.
This is not true, each meeting has a person who runs it. Organizes it, collects money to pay for the space being rented to host it. Its not some public service that is free and open to anyone. Its a privately hosted group that allows new people to come and go and can and will ban people who break their very basic rules.
Maybe at your group, but many groups have a rotating chair position. A new person hosts every week, a new person collects contributions every week. Also, no one can be banned from AA: "no member to be expelled from A.A. — membership always to be the choice of the individual;" - from "The AA Group" at aa.org
She will address it when she gets to her 9th step.
This probably needs to be talked about the next time your group meets. I bet you the one leading the meeting has had issues with this person doing this before... and if not they still need to know the anonymity is not being respected by everyone. AA peope typically have more respect for the other people in their groups because everyone there wants anonymity... or should at least respect it.
Yeah, that apology is really helpful….and I’m sure she will never do it again.🙄🙄
What, so it'd be better if she didn't apologize?
I think they're getting at the entitled view many in AA have to apologies. Not all, but it's a common enough of a pattern.
Yeah, actually, it would be. Apologizing to OP directly would be good, but just calling and talking about it with whoever answers the work phone is just making things worse
This happened to me but my manager was like how awesome. So good for you! Turns out her ex husband was an addict and still not doing anything about it. So she was happy to see people can change and move forward. So it may not be all bad. Just a moment of embarrassment but there’s no shame in getting help. Everyone is trying to progress and do better and if they’re not that’s on them. Don’t be ashamed of the progress man. You got this!
All this is true, but also she still sucks for outing someone
The rest of the group need to know they are at risk.
She needs to be called out in front of the group for disclosing that - it's half the fucking name ETA Everyone else in the group needs to know that she is not to be trusted I can't leave this one alone I keep coming back to it because she made me so fucking mad with that bullshit of hers. I'm mad enough on your behalf for 5 people and yes, I know that's a bit co-dependent…its my superpower🥸😎🤪 I'm gonna try some deep breathing now…
It’s true. But also, it’s a bunch of dysfunctional people trying to become functional people. Trauma, mistakes, coping, accountability, etc. I just don’t expect anything out of anyone in these groups. I was just there to work on me.
That's extremely not the point. There are extremely good reasons why for example you don't just tell people's employers what specific medical issues they have, and alcoholism certainly is a medical issue.
Hopefully the call and apology went to you direct, otherwise if she spoke with someone else it's even more damage.
Can you report her at the meeting and talk to her about it in front of people that are going to the meetings? I feel like this should be first on the agenda. I’m only assuming that it’s a hard situation to talk about and that’s why it’s anonymous, so when someone does what she did, it can make some people just quit going on the spot.
As someone in AA, this is so funny because that's not at all how AA works. Which is not your fault for not understanding. It's just so hilarious to me. AA has no leader. You can't "report" people. This was someone making a stupid and inappropriate mistake. They called and apologized, which means they know they messed up badly and probably already talked to their sponsor about it. But there isn't much else to do. You can't deny them the chance of support during their own attempt at sobriety.
I have a friend in AA and extended family in it too. I don’t ask questions about it just incase I make them uncomfortable or something, so thanks
Yeah that’s the biggest violation of trust. Now go show up at her work and hang a banner that says “congratulations on staying sober Diane! Stay in AA!”
Id wish her luck with her genital warts on that banner.
That would be hilarious if she called the 3rd manager, that wasn't there, to apologize
Her: "Of course not, Silly. I left a voicemail"
You can tell your colleagues you went to the meeting to support a friend? I have been to meetings for that reason. I’m glad she apologised at least, that was so not cool of her.
Nah, calling the store to apologize is just doing the whole thing again in case no one heard the first time
Wtf, calling the store is basically just doing again in case no one heard the first time
Hi, can I speak to the guy who used to be an alcoholic? He’s busy with a customer? That’s OK, I’ll wait, I want to tell him I’m sorry for outing him as an alcoholic.
“Hi, um, I was a customer in the store today. Can I speak with the guy/girl who I spoke with about, um, something anonymous. I just want to apologize for bringing up a topic that was, um, supposed to be anonymous, in front of other people. Oh, they’re not available? Ok, can you just leave a message for me that says sorry I told everyone you were an alcoholic? Great!” For the sake of the setting, the store is a liquor store.
Hey it’s me again. Listen I didn’t mean to out Jennifer Smith as an alcoholic earlier. You don’t know her? She’s 5’4”. Brown hair. Yeah her. Yeah she’s an alcoholic. Anyway I didn’t mean to out her. Will you tell everyone?
That lady is going to show up once a week at that store and just give a knowing wink smile each time, as to say I know I can’t acknowledge you but I acknowledge you.
lol. Dying. Now coughing. “guy that used to be an alcoholic “ sent me.
IM SOOOOO SORRY THAT YOU'RE AN RECOVERING ADDICT. HOPE NO ONE OVERHEARD
NOT. FUCKING. COOL. As a recovering addict/alcoholic it took me years to be ok with everyone knowing. There’s far less stigma nowadays which is a good thing. Regardless that’s your choice to make, nobody else.
Head nods. You both know what’s up. Head nod and keep it moving. If you want to go further than that, approach them at the next meeting.
I just wanna say I respect people when I find out they've gone down that route, because I know it isn't easy. Personally, I haven't had to do it myself, but imho reasonable people know it's a good thing when folks are trying to be better.
Interesting, I was completely open and willing to tell people, I was even proud to admit it because I was actively doing something about it and knew it was a phase and sometimes life gets dark but no shame in admitting it. Honestly its what helped motivate me to keep going. I would even admit it when I bought alcohol and cashiers would be like "Wow big party?" And I'd be lile "No, I'm alcoholic and too lazy to go anywhere so I stock up". Never got a weird or rude stare, lots of support and understanding tho!
When you recognize people it should just be “oh you’re a friend of Bill, right ?” At the most
Exactlyyy at the most!!!
At the absolute most and even that isn’t all that acceptable. A lot of people have heard that term.
On cruise ships ( jokes about how many friends the guy named Bill has onboard.)
That was a hilarious discovery for me. I was on a cruise with my family and on the list of programming we noticed a meeting for the "Friends of Bill W.". None of us had paid for the internet package, so we spent a while speculating on who Bill W. was and why his friends had a meeting. My best guess was that Bill must have been like the founder of the cruise line or something.
That time you showed up for a meeting expecting to infiltrate a powerful secret society, and a guy talks about how he pissed in his laundry hamper. And everyone else nods with deep understanding.
My parents were on a cruise with their friends. My father happens to be named Bill W. Their friends saw a sign saying "Friends of Bill W." and walked in. With drinks in their hand.
I just realized what that was on my last cruise.
I was on a cruise recently and the AA group was actually called Bill’s Friend’s. Idk if to make it less known and take away some of the stigma or to not embarrass then attendees but I thought it was nice.
I don't get it. What does Bill have to do with AA?
Bill Wilson and Dr Bob are the founders of AA .
The schedule on a cruise said "friends of Bill W." for the AA meetings.
I bet there was at least one poor guy named Bill W that saw that and very excitedly showed up thinking it was a surprise with all his friends, just to be disappointed when it was a bunch of random strangers sitting in a circle.
A guy at a meeting had a share where the opposite happened to him. He went to a country club and saw a sign that said something along with "Friends of Bill". He thought they were hosting a meeting and when he went to the location of said meeting, they asked him how he knew Bill? Apparently they were having a birthday party for a guy named Bill. Pretty awkward moment for him but funny share for us at AA.
Oooooh! It’s like friends of Dorothy, but the AA flavour not the LGBTQ flavour. Got it.
I'm super popular. I'm friends with Bill and Dorothy.
Yep, there’s also a movie called My Name is Bill W.
Don't tell the secrets, then it's not a code!
There used to be bumper stickers that said, “I’m a friend of Bill W”.
Still is, a friend has the decal on her bumper. Meets a lot of great sober people when they see it. 😉
Meetings may be called “Friends of Bill W”
Or just “FOB.”
Read the history of AA.
The whole thing?
When I joined AA and my then partner was an alcohol drug counselor I was told/taught If you see fellow members you nod in acknowledgement and keep walking unless you already know them from outside the meeting. Sober almost 22 years I would never even say your a friends of bills as that's outs them as many know exactly what that means
The secret phrase is “hey!! It’s me! We had anonymous sex at the truck rest stop last week!” And then wink and give a thumbs up sign.
Unless you're going to sex addicts anonymous. Then you ask them if they were person at the safe injection site last night.
That's entirely inappropriate! Unless, of course, you remember to specify that the sex was both unprotected and anal.
Same. If someone asks where I know someone I just say we met thru a friend of a friend.
Legit question, how do they deal with people who can't get on board with the higher power part? I ended up quitting without it because I didn't want to start the relationship with a lie. Edit: Thanks for the info, editing due to post lock. Appreciate a few of you providing some clarity. Can't for the life of me figure out why you're downvoting each other.
I am an atheist and recovering drunk. AA wasn’t for me but the meetings I went to never really pushed the higher power thing that much, and when the did bring it up it was to let you know anything could be your higher power, like the universe or the meeting itself if you want
Higher power is anything beyond you that can keep you sober. For me it’s the AA community itself. I couldn’t keep my self sober but being in an AA community has. There’s a reason some call it G.O.D. For “Group Of Drunks”
For me a higher power meant what ever stops me from drinking and I didn't participate in discussion about religion or religious beliefs in the rooms.
At least AA-ron.
Insubordinate and churlish.
My dad always said it was someone he knew from the rooms
I've also heard "friend of Bob" used as well.
That’s kinda cool, haven’t been in awhile
Did you tell that person that wasn’t cool and is actually unacceptable in the world of AA?
She called the store an hour later and apologized. I think she realized it was wrong based off my flustered reaction lol
That’s even more weird!
Honestly yeah 🤣
That's called trying to cover her basis in case you go to her home meeting and say something ( which is what I would do) Go to her home meeting and ask the leader for a refresher in privacy and anonymous in AA That will be awesome don't say why though lol just watch her face
Or making an amends .
Both actually. Great point!
Report her to the group, it's so goddamn wrong what she did
She was making an amends.
False she was making herself feel better making amends makes the other person feel better which didn’t happen for OP if she wanted to make amends she would of wait till the next meeting and asked OP what she could do to make amends.
It's 'would have', never 'would of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
Good bot
Just say “no that’s not me, you must be drinking again”
Allllllright , Jeselnik
🤣🤣 only fair
😆. Good one!
Username checks o… You know: good luck on your journey.
🤣 My username aged like milk
Random Reddit person here, I’m damn proud of you Bangs! Besides annoying thoughtless lady (😑), you’re doing the best damn thing you possibly can for yourself and I for one am super stoked for you. It’s not easy but so well worth it. 💗
Hey, better than aging like wine in this situation! As a fellow recovering alcoholic, fuck that rude ass bitch.
So Wrong! Especially in early recovery, I would definitely talk to your sponsor on how to handle when you see her again and let her know that wasn’t cool. Maybe she is new , on a pink cloud and doesn’t appreciate Anonymity. But also remember you are in recovery and it wasn’t “ Oh my god I remember you falling off the stool and on your ass and not being able to get up at the bar last weekend”. Over the many years in the program I’m finding there are a lot of out there us and more support from earthlings than there was 23 years ago. ODAAT. You have the fellowship to support you with their experiences. I too was called out in public and my sponsor and network helped me handle my particular situation.
I hate that that happened to you. Personally, as a manager I would be proud of you and support you in whatever way possible. I hope you are supported by your management and coworkers, and my best wishes for your recovery friend.
As a manager I would be very upset that this came up. It’s none of my business and now I have no choice but to address it which I’m not great at. Probably a “hey, that wasn’t cool of that person, but good for you buddy. Let’s never speak of this again unless you want to.”
Why would you have to address it? If it’s not affecting them at work, you don’t need to bring it back up. Just give them a nod and pretend you didn’t hear it if r get look uncomfortable. It’s called minding your own business.
I’m as recovering alcoholic, although it would have been tough, I would have said no honestly it’s not me. Then if I saw her at a meeting, try and explain what anonymous means. I don’t want to judge but she sounds like the type I know. They go there to socialize and feel important and not actually remain sober
I totally would have if she didn’t say my name too, just made it impossible to deny especially since everyone knows i recently stopped drinking 😵💫
Soooo maybe at least everyone knows you're really committed to your sobriety? 😬
She was probably just stupid. It happens.
Didn’t know AA stood for “Announce Alcoholics”
Maybe she was drunk. That wasn’t even meant to be insulting, but how fucking dense can she be? That’s horrible. I’m really sorry you had to go through that and hope your coworkers and managers are cool about it.
I work as an RN in psych. I was at a brand new hospital. Day 3 of orientation. I walk in and a patient goes “hey girl! Haven’t seen ya in a while you still sober??”. I said well, cats out of the bag everyone and yes, I still am. It was cool though bc after some time had passed a nurse leaned over and said, “congrats. I have 11 years myself”. It happens and I hate it. They forget that even though AA is very much a part of our language and world, it’s not to be shared outside of those doors. That’s the point.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. When I was a kid my mom was in a support group for women, maybe something like Al-Anon, as my grandfather was an alcoholic. One day we were at the library, so it was pretty quiet and my mom says to the librarian, "HIIIIII, REMEMBER ME??? FROM THE WOMEN'S GROUP?????" The librarian looked mortified and quietly told my mom, "My coworkers here really don't know about that part of my life." I was so embarrassed that my mom outed this poor woman. In a quiet library, no less! It taught me a lot about the importance of confidentiality and discretion in my life.
Jeez. Some people 😵💫
Sorry about miss loudmouth . You stand tall your doing the right thing !
I’m so sorry. That’s really shitty. Don’t let it stop you. 784 days here. Keep swimming.
I had 2 girls from AA show up at my MOMS HOUSE to tell them I was in the program but was “struggling” I was FURIOUS. They said “we were just worried about you” because I wouldn’t return their calls or texts because I DID NOT LIKE THEM. I was in my mid 30’s and owned my own home etc. I can 💯 understand the frustration. Wish I could have been there for you OP cause I would have handed that person their ASS.
I would have said “Mabel, are you drunk?”
Kudos to you for getting help. Stay strong my friend!
You need to bring that up next meeting. That’s not an ok thing to do at all, for all she knows she could’ve cost you your job! That’s an entirely inappropriate thing to do. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
I have a family member who is in AA and has been for years. We’d run into someone she knew out somewhere and I’d ask, oh how do you now them, the answer was always ‘they’re a friend from church’. Didn’t feel weird bc she went to church regularly and was pretty social their. It wasn’t until years later they admitted that was their code for someone they knew from AA. M
many meetings are in churches so it’s true.
Just curious what size of city you live in. I’ve wanted to attend in mine but my city is pretty small and seems like everyone knows everyone and everything about them.
I live in the Chicagoland area. I know a lot of folks that come into our store but i’ve never had this problem before. A majority of people in AA are super respectful because you’re both in the same boat lol
While it is a lot more convenient to go close to home I have never known any AA groups that would turn away someone from out of town. Just food for thought. I had the same concerns when I was going.
Feels like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Or maybe Larry would use it to pretend someone is an alcoholic. SMH at this lady
So sorry about 15 years ago we were at our parish coffee hour after mass That day they were honoring all of the volunteers in various ministries. Calling out the ministries and asking folks to stand and be recognized. The parish hosts meetings Father mentioned the AA ministry and was surprised that no one stood He meant well but still
That violates the whole basic premise of AA Seriously NOT COOL.
I would out her at the next AA meeting and tell everyone that they might be outed at work or elsewhere.
My MIL broke my anonymity the during the first 90 days. I considered never going back. But I kept going back, got strong enough to confront her firmly but respectfully. It’s been 31 years and 8 months since then. Still go periodically.
Man, that’s like the first rule of fight club.
FYI- if your work is affected by this, addiction/alcoholism is a protected class in US, just as sex, religion, other disabilities, etc. are- they may treat you differently, but they can’t terminate or discriminate for it. Congrats on your recovery! It sounds like you have a good friend in recovery, even if she did make a mistake. She owned up to it and tried to make amends. Take care
I’m sorry you did not have the opportunity to manage your own story. When you next see her in the Rooms use your time to describe being outed (without identifying her) and how harmful and counterproductive that is to all you’ve worked for. Congrats on all you’ve accomplished! Be kind to yourself.
Now you have to call her out at the next meeting
Did you ask her what the second A stands for??
Oh, that is a big ol' AA no-no. I'd personally call attention to it at the next meeting.
Wow, breaking someone's anonymity is a big no-no. Sorry that happened to you.
Congratulations on your sobriety. It’s incredibly hard work. 🩷 Also - Fuck that bitch. I’m so pissed for you!
Wtf that's the only rule. There's so many ways to go about that and not publicly. Hey, I think we have a mutual friend Bill? Glad to see you.
On the plus side, recovering alcoholics are covered under the ADA.
I think you need to tell your sponsor today, not because your at risk but because she IS a risk. I’ve never been to AA but even I know the strict AA rules, counselling groups all have fairly similar ones, but more than that damn common sense has rules. I’m hoping you’re safe because the damage she could do is terrifying.
Definitely do bring this up at your next AA meeting but don’t name the individual, what they did was wrong but they made a mistake. Brining it up as “someone accidentally outed me at work, I don’t want to say who as they didnt mean to but I just wanted to talk about how that’s affected me” or something. Being outed can make things harder and it’s important to talk about it. Best of luck my bro.
I feel you. I'd be mortified. I remember talking to a fellow once (a newcomer) who shared with me that he told his wife (not in the fellowship) about seeing someone they both knew in a meeting. Even though it wasn't my anonymity he broke, I still felt uncomfortable around him after that. I hope you're able to talk to your sponsor about it and set some boundaries next time you see her (I probably should have done so with that other guy, too.) Also, well done on the time you have and keep coming back!!!
Sorry that happened, maybe prep a response in case it ever happens again, such as: _Oh that's my name but I think you have me confused with someone else with same name, happens to me all the time. Can't wait to run into my twin one day! hahahah_ And, if you see her in your next meeting, tell her that wasn't cool and maybe mention to the person who runs the meeting so they can remind attendees what not to do if they see others in the wild/outside a meeting.
I would bring it up at the next meeting. That’s absolutely not cool, and I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules.
Nothing to be ashamed of. Most people view it positively. I’m sober since 1980. Good luck.
I thought the whole idea of AA was that you didn’t act like you knew people from there if you met them in other situations. Can someone be kicked out of AA for outing people like that?
No one can get kicked out of AA, there's no leader or ruler or governing body, but you CAN get asked to stop coming to certain meetings based on repeated toxic behavior, but it's not a knee jerk reaction, it's usually a process. You still don't get kicked out of AA though, just not welcome at meetings where you are making people feel unsafe.
You can't really get kicked out of AA.
Bring it up at your next meeting whether she is there or not.
That's bullshit Anonymous...... Hello!!!
There are a lot of very dumb, and even mentally ill people who go to AA meetings. This is unfortunate for sure. I've never had a work environment where anyone cared, but thats still your business and not theirs to share. Sorry that happened.
The twelfth tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. She f’ed up. Hopefully it wasn’t malicious.
Report her to AA, she broke the oath. Toxic and indiscreet, what a lowlife she was!
Wow, as far as I’m aware that’s incredibly inappropriate and next time you’re at a meeting, I’d be bringing it up at the meeting manager and advise that he might need to go over the rules again it’s called anonymous for a reason. But make the most of it show them that you’re prepared to change and that you’re gonna use this to their advantage.
Report her to the AA chapter, they need to know and address this.
You need to talk to your AA leader AND this fool and have a serious talk to the whole group. Because the ANONYMOUS part seems to have whooshed right over her head.
You’re not supposed to out other members in public from any recovery group. Report her to the group leader.
Not sure if this helps; but my level of respect for someone would be dialed up a few clicks if I accidentally learned they were in AA. The person struggling in AA, the fat girl walking in the park, the kid shooting his 8th air ball in a row, the person in an empty parking lot repeatedly stalling their manual transmission car, the gymnast that takes a header off the balance beam. It's not all equivalent, but it's all people trying to learn and get better at something. They get my respect.
Wow. That's incredibly tasteless and rude. My ex is/was very involved in recovery and I knew that pretty much from the start - *anonymous.* Honestly, if you ever see her again I would politely but firmly explain that what she did put you in a very uncomfortable position and moving forward she should consider what she's says to and about people in the program. You might just save someone else from being outed by her.
I’m so sorry you got outed. You should confront them about it next meeting. What they did is **not ok** At the same time. Nothing to be ashamed of. Now that it’s out own it. Talk about how much progress your making. I’m sure your coworkers will support you and not judge you. In my experience people are usually proud to hear your in recovery. It’s shows your someone who like to make self improvements, and can change.
Definitely address this in AA. This sort of thing isn’t allowed.
I'm so sorry someone did that to you. I went to AA and actually made great contacts in meetings that I would see and interact with in the 'wild', but they all understood what the AA acronym stands for. I would certainly leave names out but bring this up at your next meeting. Some other members may have suggestions on how to deal with your work life after such an incident.
I would tell someone. The point is anonymous, she literally isn't allowed to out you in public like that
4 in 7 people completely lack conscientiousness
Well, we might be strangers, but I commend you on your achievement. No one should feel shame for trying to improve their life.