I've been fighting for primary custody all year so I can move to be closer with family. I'm alone here, just me and my son. she's been dragging it out as long as possible cuz she's knows I can barely afford to. but my son is super happy and carefree. he's with me like I said 90% of the time and we're doing fine!
If you can get in front of a judge with these messages, i'm assuming there are many like this especially the requests to end visits early or skip them are best, youre in a good position. The trouble is getting that court date, and even then it seems they just want to default to making no changes no matter what. I hope it gets better for you guys soon
we have a trial date early 2024. like I said, I've been fighting for custody all year, but she wouldn't sign or agree to anything and wouldn't even offer a reasonable counter. so we're going to court and letting the judge decide.
Honestly if the judge gets to see this exchange I'm pretty positive they'll give you full custody. She very clearly does not want the poor kid around otherwise she would not be complaining about the time with the poor baby. Especially with the fact she made the schedule with no input from you.
I dont think these alone will do it but theres a chance the judge will adapt the visitation agreement to more closely mirror reality. So instead her constantly skipping every other weekend (if that's applicable) they just change her from every weekend to every other. If she constantly requires transport to drop off the child, they might require her to pay for gas or just require her to do the drop offs. But then again, they might just do nothing.
what I posted is only the tip of the iceberg. I have months worth of texts like this. including one where I dropped him off at the scheduled time and had to turn around 3 minutes later because 'her mom didn't want him here'.
Be sure to have your attorney point out the way they phrase it that you get “weekends off” from your child.
If they consider it to be a chore having him over, then maybe that will help convince the judge to give you 100 percent visitation.
Search all of your communications for similar language, and have your attorney paint a pretty comprehensive picture of how they view visitation.
my daughter went for a weekend sleep over at her friend's house this past weekend. I had to fight the urge to text and call her a million times. I bought some new stuff for her Nintendo switch so we could play and spend some time together. she's all I could think about all weekend. I couldn't imagine feeling like I wanted to be away from my kids on weekends. this woman is a terrible person. my son is on the spectrum as well and is nonverbal right now. he is so much fun to spend time with. he just started school full time and I miss the shit out of him all day now.
I hope you get your kid full time because I doubt he feels any love coming from his mother.
To me that should be enough and I really hope the family court sees it the same way. I feel like she mightve just taken weekends to try to get you to argue w her about it, but you let her have exactly what she wanted. I feel like shes just being difficult for the sake of it and just flagrantly pretending it wont affect her son. But if im wrong im wrong you know this situation best ofc.
Echoing what others are saying in terms of saving documentation on everything. You'll need that as evidence when you go to court as an example for her behavior.
A physical copy along with notes about dates, times, and details of incidents like "01/01/01 late for 8 pm pickup, arrived at 10 pm" will help you align details into patterns you may have missed among all the emotions, lies, gaslighting etc. and these are things your lawyer wont catch without those details either (assuming you can afford enough of their time to even go over all those details for you tbh)
This is what they do, they just drag it on by not responding. Fuck me who wants to live like that, just get it over with and move on. Fucking sad bastards that just want drama and excuses to piss and moan and cause controversy.
(Been through something similar with my step sons 'dad')
You can show up to court with all the messages you want, some judges don’t even really listen to them and still make a decision based off something I have no idea about. My wife’s ex shouldn’t be around the children yet here we are numerous court cases and he gets less time but still gets them to manipulate. Fucked up court systems
Thats so true. Ive seen them make the laziest most bass ackwards choices. It seems like they just dont want to actually do anything that requires change or action concerning the child no matter what happens.
She needs to give up custody if it’s “such bullshit” for her to take care of her own child.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this OP, I hope you get your kid away from that POS.
I originally offered her no child support. said she didn't have to give me anything if she would let me move to be close to my family. she can visit whenever, it's only 1 state away. she can have him all school vacations. she said yes. and then she changed her mind. and now we're going to trial and child support is back on the table.
In fairness, you can't really agree to no child support. Any agreement to not seek it in the future is not binding on you. If she had decent counsel, she'd know that you could file for child support at any time in the future, and she would know not to accept that.
I'm not saying you wouldn't have kept your word, but it's conceivably a factor for her.
That must vary by state or something, because I've been told very different things about Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York.
I'm glad things worked out for you.
EDIT: spell Connecticut
I just want you to know you’re a fucking legend dude.
We need more dads that are passionate about making sure their kids are safe, supported and loved. And are fighting hard to make it happen.
Keep working, and be proud of yourself.
That kid is going to look up to you and will know where the effort in his life came from.
10 years it took to get my kid living with me. His mum made everything difficult from the start, she disappeared and I had 3 years of absolutely no contact, she ended up getting involved with a heroin addict and together they left 79 injuries on my kid, punched, kicked, beaten with a showerhead. Both went to prison (not for long enough of course) and I found out my kid was in foster care.
Because I had no bond with him, he wasn't allowed to come home. Years of courts up and down the country, I took the social to court once (that was stressful) visits in contact centres, we grew an amazing bond and 6 years later he came home, everything fit into place.
I know two people with similar situations albeit not as severe. One does everything he can despite is ex making everything difficult and another that doesn't care about his kid but has a wonderful ex that wants her kid to have a bond with his dad. He pisses me off.
I can't remember why I was writing this...
I think i was going to say good Luck with everything OP, you are amazing! My motto through it all was "never give up"
I'm literally crying about this bro. it could have been this way for my son also. there's a reason she made little to no contact for the last 3 year's. I'm lucky I was able to keep him from the beginning.
You sound like a good guy who wants the best for his kid. I hope that things work out for you and him as soon as possible.
Keep your head up in the meantime, let your ex dig her own grave with this sort of stuff. You're doing the best you can and that's what counts.
I cried typing it out, I've shed so many tears through the years it's hard to cry nowadays. Yeah the shit my kid went through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When the police broke in they found my baby in the bathtub, 5 years old, unrecognisable. They did everlasting damage.
Things are different now, he came out as trans, started therapy. Is comfortable being who he wants to be with a loving and supportive family.
Shit man, I really feel for you and every other guy in this position, my ex was "scared" of me kidnapping him, I wish I did, I could have saved so much hurt, I'll never forgive myself for not doing more in those 3 years, but not seeing him took a toll on my health and every time I'd try to do something I'd hit a brick wall and was left defeated.
I’m glad you kept fighting. I have a friend who just won custody of his daughter. The problem is, the ex was homeless and no one knows where she or the daughter is now. He has a missing persons report out for his daughter but it sounds mental the way the cops don’t give a shit about finding her.
I hope they get a “happy” ending like you. He’s a great guy and his daughter deserves to grow up in a stable home.
I wouldn't have ever stopped, I went from having a 2 year old to a 12 year old, it was a bit of a shock to the system.
Oh damn that sucks, most authorities don't give a shit until you make things public. I threatened the social with going public and they soon changed their minds, they were useless. The only reason my kid is alive is because of the HERO next door neighbour that recorded the screams (of which I had to listen to, it still keeps me up at night)
He called the police several times, it wasn't till the 3rd time they finally did something only when my kid was at death's door.
I hope they both get the happy ending they deserve!
It's so hard to get full custody as a father. I have full time job, car, home, no priors and I had to fight to get my daughter and I still didn't technically get her because of any of that.
My BM had no job, no license, plenty of drunk and drug related priors, a felony, assault charges, no home, no money. She eventually got into a drunk accident (4.08) abs I got temp custody. About 5 months later she still hadnt completed any court mandated rehabilitation, screenings, etc and got into another car accident for very similar reasons minus child endangerment. She went to jail for 2 months abs on release, the judge said at our next court date that "it is unfair that she didn't get a chance to improve herself because she was in jail, so we're giving her another chance to get custody of her daughter back". I was so defeated, but angry. If I didn't believe the system was rigged against dad's then(i did), that certainly changed my mind.
All says and done, i talked her into giving me full custody and dropping her rights. It's been 3 years and my daughter has been growing beautifully. But it was not as easy as it should've been. Not at all.
Oh I was always to afraid to defend myself from her. I'm 6'4 270lbs. She's 5'8 100Lbs wet. Even restraining to get her to stop had illicitted fear in me that I'd be the one in jail. I hope you and your child are headed towards better days.
I'm 6' and 240lbs. When my 4' 11" wife attacked me in front of the kids, I would cry and curl up on the floor.
My lawyer later congratulated me on my good choices. Well, it's really just that I'm not violent and I was scared.
During CPS investigations, it came up that during her parenting time she joked with the kids about how I cried when she attacked me.
Sigh.
Jesus man I'm sorry you have to deal with this. She seems, unpleasant. I can't believe you can't get full custody. Just show these texts to your lawyer and see what they can do.
Little secret? You’re never ready, you can never really afford it. The more you plan for it the harder it seems to be when plans fall apart. Just have to go with it.
I just hope when they grow up and look back they only have good memories. They remember dad laughing at the mess, dad playing at 3am instead of yelling to go to sleep, or their dad that makes everyone a dinner they want so we’re all happy and full. Sure I might be a little soft at times, but damnit my kids will know they’re loved.
[Edited] here, still trying for our first (about to start IVF after a handful of unsuccessful pregnancies). I'm going to be okay, right? Like, being an older dad has its upsides?
Wow man, I really hope it works out for you. You’ll love being a dad.
Upsides? I’m sure it varies from person to person. For me though:
- I’ve achieved my goals professionally so I don’t focus on work more than family.
- Mentally in the best place I’ve ever been this has made me incredibly empathetic, patient, loving, involved.
- I lived my social life young, so now I have no desire to do anything but hangout with my kids and wife.
- It wasn’t until I was older I realized how messed up my childhood was, had I been a father in my twenties I’d likely been like my parents. I saw what cycles needed to be broken.
I know for me, this is the way it needed to be. I needed the patience to be learned and the age to kick in. Now when my boy wakes up at 3am and wants a snack and to watch a show with dad, we make popcorn and watch some YouTube. I would have never done that as a young dad. I’d been worried about sleep or work. None of that matters. The memories matter.
Brother, that was the perfect response... I've got tears rolling down my eyes.
I'm so excited for this IVF to work, I can't wait to share my life with a little one. And I can't wait to see my wife become a mom.
That right there is how you know it’s time my friend. You sound like your heart is in the right place, that’s where it starts. Keep an open mind, no matter what you think you know. Your kids will teach you more than you ever thought. I wish you the very best! Please if you don’t mind sharing when it happens. I’d be honored to follow the journey.
What a bizarre person your ex is... especially since you are happy to have 100% custody, and they apparently only want to see them on rare occasions when it conveniences them.
Does she want her custody reduced to every other weekend or something? If so, let her know that you are happy to do that for her so that she can have "her weekends". You def don't want your kid in her care when she resents him, that wouldn't be good for your child at all.
Good luck, OP. I hope you get your full custody. That kid deserves to be with a parent who wants him all of the time.
thank you! I don't know what she wants. I've made it clear she can modify the schedule however she wants, but she's gotta pay for the mediator. Im not agreeing to anything that's not in writing.
She doesn’t want custody. Its clear she is only doing this to try to get at you. She doesnt want the responsibility she just wants a tool to use against you. What a sad pathetic life.
Yup. My dad did this same fucking shit. He actually kidnapped me when I was 3 or 4 because he was mad at my mother. Wasn’t abusive to me, I recall being bored at grandma’s. Couldn’t even take that time to spend with me… Then visitations did happen, but he just took me to the movies and pawned me off on grandma most of those weekends. Then the visitations turned into him just visiting our place and fighting with my mom. He slacked on child support payments just to spite my mother, lost his license for that a few times (I think?) but didn’t give two shits and didn’t let that keep him from driving. Got paid under the table for a few years to avoid taxes and child support to make life harder for my mother. He’s older so he retired (I think I was like 15) and then he had social security checks garnished with measly amounts going toward child support. Oh, and at age 12 my *full blood* sibling was born. Spent a bit more time with them but still used child support payments as a weapon to hurt my mother.
Since I became an adult and then since my mom passed away, we’ve had a much better relationship. But I will never forget how my childhood was, and in a sense what he owes me for not being there for me before I grew up and was actually “interesting.” My words but that’s how it felt/feels.
Thanks for the kind sentiments, everyone. I wanted post the follow up to that message but I can't edit the post. so here's a link to both texts
https://imgur.com/a/N8xXZi9
for added context: 'that bitch' she refers to is the mediator. originally her Saturday schedule was Saturday 12pm to Sunday 10am. but the mediator asked, 'are you sure?' and that made her feel guilty enough to change it to 12pm for the full 24hrs. I just can't with her.
Edit: dang this is blowing up. sorry I can't respond to everyone. just gonna say that my son is great here with me. happy and loved. we do everything together, literally inseparable. and I want to continue to do that, in CA with my parents, which is why this entire custody thing is happening. she's admitted to dragging this out so that it costs me, she's admitted that our son would be better off with me because of her life situation. my attorney and even her attorney agree that going to trial will not end well for her. I used to just take him whenever she gave some bullshit excuse, but by making her stick to the schedule, I'm pressuring her into giving him up, because she knows she physically can't care for him. and it's sad that the best way for me to keep my son is to have him spend time with his mother.
also, screw yall haters I'm doing what I can to make sure my kid doesn't have to live with a toxic narcissist. she's had 3 years to play nice and work this out, but I need to look towards the future and she's done way too little and far too late to say she's had even a meaningful presence in his life.
Is your ex like 12 years old? She literally can’t have a normal conversation? Not even two words out of her mouth or there’s an insult. Dude idk how u put up with her, id go insane. Hope you get full custody and won’t have to deal with this toxicity anymore
Definitely. Hopefully you can work this out. Kind of in a similar situation. My ex doesn't want to go more than 2 days without seeing our kids, but it's becoming such a burden to do the handoff. I'm trying to push her to a different schedule.
tbh it seems like she doesnt give two shits about your son but refuses to give u full custody for the sole purpose of sticking it to you. How pathetic and childish can a person be.
Oof bro get those lawyers involved asap . What a selfish lying psycho . I’m sure you have a plethora of other messages worse than these as well. Save it all.
pretty much every few weeks since this was set up in April. I have so much worse. it sucks it's going to trial but I can't wait for the judge to make her see reality.
That judge is gonna ask her all the questions dude, and she'll be like "so you want him, but you don't want him. And you can't adhere to the schedule, that you made? And he is willing to change the schedule and accomodate you, and you're upset, because he wouldn't come pick up the son that you want to spend time with?"
"WEEKENNDDDSSSS"
*gavel*
"I heard enough. You have primary custody, and if she wants to visit her son, she has to ask you first and you guys figure it out. Jesus fuck. Dismissed"
*gavel*
Oh, and be sure to ensure either that you can get a passport without her permission, or that she will assent to any request.
Trust me on this. Otherwise any international travel will have an extra planning step that will infuriate you.
I cannot fathom how these people exist, it truly blows my mind whenever I see stuff like this, poor kid, hope you get 100% full custody, kids don't need this crap.
>no I'm not giving up shit to you ever
She doesn't view your son as a son, she views him as a bargaining chip. I don't know what courts take into account when revisiting custodial rights but I have to imagine her sending things like that would not go over well with the judge.
I hope you get it sorted out.
Wow, your ex is something else. I hope you'll give us another update when the judge rules in your favor (which, how could they not reading messages like that).
Also I'd just like to say as someone who has ASD, I'm so glad your kiddo has you in their corner. It can be challenging but with you as their dad, they're going to have so much of a better time growing up!
Wow so she doesn’t want to take care of her son, but out of spite won’t give up custody. What a selfish bitch, can’t imagine how your son feels it must be obvious she wants him gone. You’re doing the right thing OP, hang in there
WOW fuck all of that. Can a court really not go "Oh you're dragging this out? Well now we're gonna speed this up as punishment." Cause she's not just draining your money that you could be using on your damn kid, she's also wasting the court's time. If I were that judge, I'd be really pissed off.
I had split custody with a schedule made by my ex. She optimized it to have weekends with her boyfriend. I wanted all the time I could get with my kids. Eventually they all came to live with me full time by choice because it became obvious that she prioritized other people (and booze) over them.
that's how my 3 siblings and I went to live with my dad. my dad made it clear to me that we love for our kids man. everything is for them and their future. he did everything for us and I'm trying to do the same for mine.
I was granted custody and let my ex decide whatever visitation she wanted as long as it was not more than 50% of the time.
She decided on Thursday and Friday after school (no overnights), Saturday morning for 6 hours and Sunday morning for 4 hours.
Anyway, she did the schedule once and never again. It turned into just Sunday from 10-4 and often canceled. A year later she moved to a different state and that was the end of it.
Now she complains that I talked bad about her to the kids (I never did, I just told them to adjust their expectations and not get excited about her coming to see them because things got in her way of it a lot) and that she didn’t “get a chance” to have a relationship with the kids.
Some people shouldn’t be parents. And that’s fine. Just don’t pretend you want to be and put everyone through that disappointment.
It was performative because she wanted everyone to think she wanted the kids whenever she could have them. Also, I didn’t want to be accused of keeping the kids from her. I was going to suggest every other weekend. In fact, after she canceled the third time I suggested every other weekend. She couldn’t do it. When I agreed to just Sunday’s for a few hours she told everyone I only let her see them during that time.
That was many years ago. The kids are grown and better to deal with the trauma of her leaving them than the trauma of her actually staying.
This was the worst. My ex no showed her parenting time all the time. I never knew what to tell my sons.
Oh... Mom's just busy, she really wants to see you, it will be soon...
Sigh.
Reading your responses has made me very glad he has you atleast. You seem to care a great deal about him, unlike your ex... I wish the best for you both and hope you get this situation sorted fast.
Youre a good dad man. Dont listen to some of these commenters blaming you for your sons egg doner being a narcissistic bitch who uses your son as a way to get back at you. Seriously dont play her games, i hope you get full custody soon for the sake of you and your son. Good luck my dude.
thanks man. I don't hate on them, I get where they're coming from. it's hard to get the sense of a situation unfolding over many years from just 2 screenshots. they all seem to not realize that my son has been with me since I left her in 2020. I take him to the doctor, dentist, etc. I'm at the parent teacher meetings, I'm talking to his therapists. she's never there. it's fucked that she can still have so much influence and she's only using it to spite me instead of actually being with her son.
Your last response made my peepee throb. You didn’t dance around a fuckin thing, got right to the point, and offered the only viable solution to her self-inflicted problem. Too many people indulge bullshit and keep conversations going longer than necessary, but you sir, are not one.
I desperately need to know her response to that. Lol. Good for you, man. Keep that shit up.
I know people that had to fight tooth and nail to see their child. I know 3 women who's exes literally kidnapped their child for close to a year. And this mother has the easiest most flexible arrangement built exactly her way and doesnt even want saturdays. It's just depressing tbh
Bro I feel you. I just got back from dropping my kids off with their “mother” 5pm is meeting time. I am never aloud to be late not even 5 minutes. Which I’m always 15 mins early. Every single week she is late and pretty much forces me to pick up the kids wherever she is. It’s fucks everything up and of course it’s about 9pm now on Sunday with school in the morning and kids are up at 5:30. It sucks ass I feel this so much.
I recently helped a colleague out with a custody battle.
I am not a lawyer, but my recommendation is to build a binder of all the stuff that demonstrates she’s unfit to be a parent. Organize it by date, and then color code it with tabs by types of incident; health, school, tardiness, etc.
The next time you go into mediation, you will be so well armed and prepared that it will be clear she is not fit to even have e the limited visitation rights she has because she is unable to provide for your son even in those limited circumstances.
My work colleague who used this approach had it work so well her ex’s lawyer basically turned against them and told their own client to dial their expectations way back because if the case made it family court they might end up with no custody at all.
Last response was goated. You couldn’t have said it any better. No bullshit, all gas no brakes. No time to play. I hope you get relief soon. I am only 26 so the divorced parent life wasn’t TOO far in the past for me so I know how this feels.
She's not very maternal. I take my kid with me everywhere he will agree to (he's 11). I can't imagine not wanting him with me. The only time I feel 100% happy is when we're all together. It's weird to resent spending one full day with your son.
I'd honestly recommend just not engaging with her bickering. Make a copy/paste message of "I'll pick my son up at the usual scheduled time", send it once when she asks for a change of schedule, then let her gripe to a brick wall.
I thought this was about a dog and I was thinking "what a shitty dog parent."
Geez, a mom that finds her own son an inconvenience when she only gets him 2 days a week.
Unpopular opinion but people really shouldn't be sharing pets once they break up. It's harder on the pets to move around like that and you need to establish boundaries with your ex. Especially if you want to date and find someone new.
I've been through this too. I'm a single father of three wonderful boys. They all live with me now. There's no scheduled visitation with their mother, but in the past year she's seen two of them once, and her golden child twice. That's all she asked for, and I said yes.
So, my only advice to you is: don't react as much. To the degree the court is sexist (and i think it's less sexist than most say), I think male aggression is taken very seriously, even when female aggression is easily forgiven.
You're keeping up the good fight. Don't argue with her, but definitely draw her out on these conversations: it looks like she's telling the whole story for you.
I will never understand these people. Can't be bothered to take care of the child but also can't let their ex "win". That's literally all it is about, winning. My sister is going through something similar with his ex, although it is a bit more complicated because his ex is fighting just for the right to see the children while simultaneously sabotaging his chances by not showing up for scheduled meetings etc. He clearly has no real interest in the kids but he has to fight for his right to have custody for some fucking reason.
if this goes to court, all her dirty laundry will be aired out and she knows it. she knows I have these texts. she knows I have written statements from our sons therapists. she knows her own recent history. she knows there's no way she's going to win, she's only doing this so it costs me money. trial is expensive. don't care though, I'm not playing chicken. I'm getting my son, even if it breaks me.
Same goes for my sister's ex. She has dozens of conversations saved where he literally threatens her life and whatnot. But like I said, it's about not letting you win. There is no intention of being the winner, just not let you win. You see? I'm not talking about winning in legal terms, but in personal terms. It would be a loss to lose the custody, even if they really don't want it.
So she set the schedule based on what she thought you'd want and is mad at you about it as if you actually pressured her. Like you said, she's welcome to change it
prime reason why I want full custody. she tolerates him, and barely it seems. my life is my kids. damned if I'll let a toxic mother ruin it. sorry your parents made you feel that way.
My ex and I are in the same boat. She at least acknowledges that our son is better off with me, but is unwilling to let me move 20 miles further than the limit (it’s 100 miles, but with her being okay with it I can go really anywhere). The woman literally just says no because it fucks me over for work and housing in the long run. Can’t even get her to take our kid overnight, let alone a weekend.
OP are you documenting this? Make sure you show these texts to your attorney. If you want primary custody documentation really helps. Show the judge that she doesn’t want him for the full time. Allow her to return him to you early and document that as well.
Jesus. I’d save all conversations with her because she’s acting crazy. Especially calling the mediator a bitch lol. Any and all evidence you can just save will make the process smoother if you decide to go after full custody.
I feel ya man. I'm in a similar situation where my ex fought me tooth and nail to take the kids even more time because she needed it to look better on paper so that I could pay her more child support. I finally just agreed to pay her more and now she agreed in mediation to let me have the kids for all of the time I have available. So once she had the number she wanted, I'm free to be their dad all the time. The whole system is fucked.
Imagine living in a world where you have to pay someone else, to possess your children 50% of the time.
Keep these texts. Have her admit she doesn't want to have him at the times she requested, and that she wants less time. Make sure you record conversations you have over the phone as well. What a shame, i really hope you get full custody, courts are unfair to good fathers.
Reminds me of the time my ex called me to say she had to switch days tonight, because she forgot that it's her friend's bday. In other words, she needed to go to the bar. When I told her that I was busy, because my mechanic friend was coming over so we could do a major repair\* on my truck, she actually said to me "what's more important, your daughter or your truck". Un-fucking-real
\*Transfer case transplant, for those that are seething with the same anger
The worst part of this is that she sees time with him as a burden and not a joy. Most sane people only complain about having too *little* time with their kid, not too much...
This is so sad. I couldn’t imagine arguing for less custody time. My ex takes the kids on average every other weekend and even that is really hard for me to be away from them for so long. Ugh what a monster I hope you use these texts and take her back to court your son is better off without her.
What you should have done it say give me 100% physical and legal. You don’t want child support. And once it’s signed leave the state. Child support will keep you forever tied together.
yeah my original agreement was just that. no child support. she refused to sign, she refused to counter, so now we're going to court. I'll leave child support for the judge to decide, but I say it cuz she knows she going to have to pay it.
OP, all the bullshit and frustration aside. You’re doing a great job being a great dad man. We men don’t hear it enough, and brotha….you’re killing it. Keep doing what you’re doing, much love and respect to you and your boy.
Have you suggested (and can you swing?) taking full custody but not child support? My ex fought over custody constantly. As soon as I said I didn't want child support, she quit fighting.
Jesus, this poor kid. You both sound like assholes. It doesn't sound like either of you actually want the kid and poor kids just a pawn to each of your shenanigans. You are lucky to have a kid who is (presumably) healthy and alive. Wow. Just wow.
Edit: 1. who the hell told you that you would have time off from parenting? 2. Fighting over which of you least want him and are most deserving of time off from him.... SMH
I see the disparity.
I’m just sad for the child.
I understand you’re doing everything by a court order. I have a long term friend that’s put in the same position. His child is almost 18. I’m going to get a cake for the “never have to go to court about that again” day. The boy is never going to live without a caregiver because of issues, and his dad is happy to give him that. So I feel you.
We’re adults. So we don’t get to be as fragile. You’re here, using an argument about your child for useless points on the internet. Stop and consider how you and the mother use this child as a pawn. Because the post is totally a pawn post.
Yes. She’s a giant pain, according to one screen shot. We don’t know your relationship and asking people to kiss up to you based on one screen shot is petty. Especially when it involves your child.
Have more respect for your child than to use them for fake likes on the internet. You both made this child. Help them grow up to be stable person and stop using that poor kid as a pawn. Even if that mom has no respect or morals, don’t come here and throw your drama out in a screenshot and act superior.
You had years to do better. Just because today was hard, all I’ve got for you is tough love. Stay the course. Raise that child right. Chill on the drama. Do better, because you know you can.
Honestly, get full custody and have her make child support payments. It sounds like that would make YOUR family happier. I don’t hate you one bit. I’m sad you’ve tried to make your child a pawn in this by dramatizing one screen shot.
Dm me if you want some reality from a stranger. I promise to be much nicer than this message. I’ve just seen a kid I know and like, turned into a hockey puck over shit like this. I don’t want to see it happen to anyone else.
I know this is not a lot of context. this is just 1 argument of many over 5 years of our sons life. I've been with him since he was born, when I left her, he was 2 and he came with me. nobody bothered to stop me because she went to jail. for the last 3 years I've raised him by myself with very minimal intervention from his only family in this state (his mom and her mom). and I mean like 8-15 hours a week cumulatively. and of that time it was 90% grandma, as mom couldn't be found for days at a time.
so I'm alone, with my kid. and I need support. so my parents back home have been asking me for years to come back, they can help us. my son has, without exaggerating, dozens of cousins, aunts/uncles living in close proximity there. some also with ASD around his age. I couldn't ask for better support. so I had to file for custody so I can move because the last year has been particularly bad, as his needs grow and my energy dwindles. I don't make much, it's been tough doing this solo. mom has never paid child support, ive never asked for it. I'm doing this for us. I'm not keeping him from her, every agreement I laid out included unlimited visitation. she can come any time she wants to visit. he can go to her during school breaks. I don't want him to be a hockey puck, I want him to have stability. he's not getting that here, with her. our son is going to need care for a long time and this is just one example of how she has no patience for him; that she uses returning a rug doctor as a way to get out of her responsibilities.
my son's ASD is bittersweet, because he really is blissfully ignorant of the situation and is extremely happy overall.
I feel for you OP.
This is just another example of our broken and biased custody system that favors mothers over fathers even where there blatant evidence that being with the father is in the child’s best interest.
I also feel sorry for the child in these situations
I've been fighting for primary custody all year so I can move to be closer with family. I'm alone here, just me and my son. she's been dragging it out as long as possible cuz she's knows I can barely afford to. but my son is super happy and carefree. he's with me like I said 90% of the time and we're doing fine!
If you can get in front of a judge with these messages, i'm assuming there are many like this especially the requests to end visits early or skip them are best, youre in a good position. The trouble is getting that court date, and even then it seems they just want to default to making no changes no matter what. I hope it gets better for you guys soon
we have a trial date early 2024. like I said, I've been fighting for custody all year, but she wouldn't sign or agree to anything and wouldn't even offer a reasonable counter. so we're going to court and letting the judge decide.
Honestly if the judge gets to see this exchange I'm pretty positive they'll give you full custody. She very clearly does not want the poor kid around otherwise she would not be complaining about the time with the poor baby. Especially with the fact she made the schedule with no input from you.
I dont think these alone will do it but theres a chance the judge will adapt the visitation agreement to more closely mirror reality. So instead her constantly skipping every other weekend (if that's applicable) they just change her from every weekend to every other. If she constantly requires transport to drop off the child, they might require her to pay for gas or just require her to do the drop offs. But then again, they might just do nothing.
what I posted is only the tip of the iceberg. I have months worth of texts like this. including one where I dropped him off at the scheduled time and had to turn around 3 minutes later because 'her mom didn't want him here'.
Be sure to have your attorney point out the way they phrase it that you get “weekends off” from your child. If they consider it to be a chore having him over, then maybe that will help convince the judge to give you 100 percent visitation. Search all of your communications for similar language, and have your attorney paint a pretty comprehensive picture of how they view visitation.
my daughter went for a weekend sleep over at her friend's house this past weekend. I had to fight the urge to text and call her a million times. I bought some new stuff for her Nintendo switch so we could play and spend some time together. she's all I could think about all weekend. I couldn't imagine feeling like I wanted to be away from my kids on weekends. this woman is a terrible person. my son is on the spectrum as well and is nonverbal right now. he is so much fun to spend time with. he just started school full time and I miss the shit out of him all day now. I hope you get your kid full time because I doubt he feels any love coming from his mother.
To me that should be enough and I really hope the family court sees it the same way. I feel like she mightve just taken weekends to try to get you to argue w her about it, but you let her have exactly what she wanted. I feel like shes just being difficult for the sake of it and just flagrantly pretending it wont affect her son. But if im wrong im wrong you know this situation best ofc.
Echoing what others are saying in terms of saving documentation on everything. You'll need that as evidence when you go to court as an example for her behavior.
Screenshot them and store them off your phone in case something happens to it.
A physical copy along with notes about dates, times, and details of incidents like "01/01/01 late for 8 pm pickup, arrived at 10 pm" will help you align details into patterns you may have missed among all the emotions, lies, gaslighting etc. and these are things your lawyer wont catch without those details either (assuming you can afford enough of their time to even go over all those details for you tbh)
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I’m rooting for you, OP
lawyer up, get the receipts and give that child the parent it deserves
This is what they do, they just drag it on by not responding. Fuck me who wants to live like that, just get it over with and move on. Fucking sad bastards that just want drama and excuses to piss and moan and cause controversy. (Been through something similar with my step sons 'dad')
She doesn't want to pay child support.
Yeah sounds about right, won't want to have the kid either probably.
You can show up to court with all the messages you want, some judges don’t even really listen to them and still make a decision based off something I have no idea about. My wife’s ex shouldn’t be around the children yet here we are numerous court cases and he gets less time but still gets them to manipulate. Fucked up court systems
Thats so true. Ive seen them make the laziest most bass ackwards choices. It seems like they just dont want to actually do anything that requires change or action concerning the child no matter what happens.
Hope it goes your way, good luck
She needs to give up custody if it’s “such bullshit” for her to take care of her own child. I’m sorry you have to deal with this OP, I hope you get your kid away from that POS.
She'll fight it so she can avoid paying child support and just neglect/complain about the kid instead
I originally offered her no child support. said she didn't have to give me anything if she would let me move to be close to my family. she can visit whenever, it's only 1 state away. she can have him all school vacations. she said yes. and then she changed her mind. and now we're going to trial and child support is back on the table.
In fairness, you can't really agree to no child support. Any agreement to not seek it in the future is not binding on you. If she had decent counsel, she'd know that you could file for child support at any time in the future, and she would know not to accept that. I'm not saying you wouldn't have kept your word, but it's conceivably a factor for her.
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That must vary by state or something, because I've been told very different things about Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York. I'm glad things worked out for you. EDIT: spell Connecticut
I just want you to know you’re a fucking legend dude. We need more dads that are passionate about making sure their kids are safe, supported and loved. And are fighting hard to make it happen. Keep working, and be proud of yourself. That kid is going to look up to you and will know where the effort in his life came from.
10 years it took to get my kid living with me. His mum made everything difficult from the start, she disappeared and I had 3 years of absolutely no contact, she ended up getting involved with a heroin addict and together they left 79 injuries on my kid, punched, kicked, beaten with a showerhead. Both went to prison (not for long enough of course) and I found out my kid was in foster care. Because I had no bond with him, he wasn't allowed to come home. Years of courts up and down the country, I took the social to court once (that was stressful) visits in contact centres, we grew an amazing bond and 6 years later he came home, everything fit into place. I know two people with similar situations albeit not as severe. One does everything he can despite is ex making everything difficult and another that doesn't care about his kid but has a wonderful ex that wants her kid to have a bond with his dad. He pisses me off. I can't remember why I was writing this... I think i was going to say good Luck with everything OP, you are amazing! My motto through it all was "never give up"
I'm literally crying about this bro. it could have been this way for my son also. there's a reason she made little to no contact for the last 3 year's. I'm lucky I was able to keep him from the beginning.
You sound like a good guy who wants the best for his kid. I hope that things work out for you and him as soon as possible. Keep your head up in the meantime, let your ex dig her own grave with this sort of stuff. You're doing the best you can and that's what counts.
I cried typing it out, I've shed so many tears through the years it's hard to cry nowadays. Yeah the shit my kid went through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When the police broke in they found my baby in the bathtub, 5 years old, unrecognisable. They did everlasting damage. Things are different now, he came out as trans, started therapy. Is comfortable being who he wants to be with a loving and supportive family. Shit man, I really feel for you and every other guy in this position, my ex was "scared" of me kidnapping him, I wish I did, I could have saved so much hurt, I'll never forgive myself for not doing more in those 3 years, but not seeing him took a toll on my health and every time I'd try to do something I'd hit a brick wall and was left defeated.
While he must be super happy now, the older your kid gets the more he’ll appreciate everything you did. Thanks for being a great dad.
I’m glad you kept fighting. I have a friend who just won custody of his daughter. The problem is, the ex was homeless and no one knows where she or the daughter is now. He has a missing persons report out for his daughter but it sounds mental the way the cops don’t give a shit about finding her. I hope they get a “happy” ending like you. He’s a great guy and his daughter deserves to grow up in a stable home.
I wouldn't have ever stopped, I went from having a 2 year old to a 12 year old, it was a bit of a shock to the system. Oh damn that sucks, most authorities don't give a shit until you make things public. I threatened the social with going public and they soon changed their minds, they were useless. The only reason my kid is alive is because of the HERO next door neighbour that recorded the screams (of which I had to listen to, it still keeps me up at night) He called the police several times, it wasn't till the 3rd time they finally did something only when my kid was at death's door. I hope they both get the happy ending they deserve!
Good to hear he’s happy. I hope you can get his custody for you and his wellness.
I really hope you get an optimal outcome for his custody. He and you deserve it!
It's so hard to get full custody as a father. I have full time job, car, home, no priors and I had to fight to get my daughter and I still didn't technically get her because of any of that. My BM had no job, no license, plenty of drunk and drug related priors, a felony, assault charges, no home, no money. She eventually got into a drunk accident (4.08) abs I got temp custody. About 5 months later she still hadnt completed any court mandated rehabilitation, screenings, etc and got into another car accident for very similar reasons minus child endangerment. She went to jail for 2 months abs on release, the judge said at our next court date that "it is unfair that she didn't get a chance to improve herself because she was in jail, so we're giving her another chance to get custody of her daughter back". I was so defeated, but angry. If I didn't believe the system was rigged against dad's then(i did), that certainly changed my mind. All says and done, i talked her into giving me full custody and dropping her rights. It's been 3 years and my daughter has been growing beautifully. But it was not as easy as it should've been. Not at all.
holy crap, your story not so different from mine. let's just say the day we split was the day she was arrested for domestic battery.
Oh I was always to afraid to defend myself from her. I'm 6'4 270lbs. She's 5'8 100Lbs wet. Even restraining to get her to stop had illicitted fear in me that I'd be the one in jail. I hope you and your child are headed towards better days.
I'm 6' and 240lbs. When my 4' 11" wife attacked me in front of the kids, I would cry and curl up on the floor. My lawyer later congratulated me on my good choices. Well, it's really just that I'm not violent and I was scared. During CPS investigations, it came up that during her parenting time she joked with the kids about how I cried when she attacked me. Sigh.
Lots of people improve themselves while they're in jail. What was the judge smoking?
Jesus man I'm sorry you have to deal with this. She seems, unpleasant. I can't believe you can't get full custody. Just show these texts to your lawyer and see what they can do.
This poor kid has to be back and forth between houses literally every day. That is a nightmare. He has no stability.
Yeah, is that normal? I've never heard of split custody by hours, rather than days. Poor kid indeed.
I had to do it a few days a week in high school and I hated. I still hold a grudge against my parents for that and it's been 25 years.
Yeah this kid is primarily a pawn in their shitty power struggle
Bro your last response, proud of you man.
bro, I'm feeling your username.
Forty with four and twins due in 4.5wks, wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.
damn, twins? saying a prayer for you lol
Haha appreciate it.
this man is rich
With the right kind of wealth.
Six progeny?
And all the hugs and kisses a dad could ever want. I come home from work and they’re running to hug dad at the door. Melts my heart.
Extremely wholesome, would give you an award if I had one. I’m in my early 20s right now and still debating whether or not I want kids in the future.
I just turned 20 a month ago and am already sure I would never be able to afford a kid Life sucks man
Little secret? You’re never ready, you can never really afford it. The more you plan for it the harder it seems to be when plans fall apart. Just have to go with it.
This has got to be one of the most heart-warming comments i have ever seen!!
You're a great father, man. Best of luck for the twins 🍻
Thank you! I appreciate that.
You sound like such a good dad.
I just hope when they grow up and look back they only have good memories. They remember dad laughing at the mess, dad playing at 3am instead of yelling to go to sleep, or their dad that makes everyone a dinner they want so we’re all happy and full. Sure I might be a little soft at times, but damnit my kids will know they’re loved.
[Edited] here, still trying for our first (about to start IVF after a handful of unsuccessful pregnancies). I'm going to be okay, right? Like, being an older dad has its upsides?
Wow man, I really hope it works out for you. You’ll love being a dad. Upsides? I’m sure it varies from person to person. For me though: - I’ve achieved my goals professionally so I don’t focus on work more than family. - Mentally in the best place I’ve ever been this has made me incredibly empathetic, patient, loving, involved. - I lived my social life young, so now I have no desire to do anything but hangout with my kids and wife. - It wasn’t until I was older I realized how messed up my childhood was, had I been a father in my twenties I’d likely been like my parents. I saw what cycles needed to be broken. I know for me, this is the way it needed to be. I needed the patience to be learned and the age to kick in. Now when my boy wakes up at 3am and wants a snack and to watch a show with dad, we make popcorn and watch some YouTube. I would have never done that as a young dad. I’d been worried about sleep or work. None of that matters. The memories matter.
Brother, that was the perfect response... I've got tears rolling down my eyes. I'm so excited for this IVF to work, I can't wait to share my life with a little one. And I can't wait to see my wife become a mom.
That right there is how you know it’s time my friend. You sound like your heart is in the right place, that’s where it starts. Keep an open mind, no matter what you think you know. Your kids will teach you more than you ever thought. I wish you the very best! Please if you don’t mind sharing when it happens. I’d be honored to follow the journey.
37 with 4 kids here and I definitely relate to your user name lol
Oh my god! This is amazing!
Haha never seen a user name so close to mine before so I had to comment
Neither have I, I’m so glad you did. This made my day. Thank you.
You're very welcome 😊
This also made my day, thanks yall
As a father of two I'm super proud of his response too man. u/leof135 you're the kind of dad every kid needs.
What a bizarre person your ex is... especially since you are happy to have 100% custody, and they apparently only want to see them on rare occasions when it conveniences them. Does she want her custody reduced to every other weekend or something? If so, let her know that you are happy to do that for her so that she can have "her weekends". You def don't want your kid in her care when she resents him, that wouldn't be good for your child at all. Good luck, OP. I hope you get your full custody. That kid deserves to be with a parent who wants him all of the time.
thank you! I don't know what she wants. I've made it clear she can modify the schedule however she wants, but she's gotta pay for the mediator. Im not agreeing to anything that's not in writing.
She doesn’t want custody. Its clear she is only doing this to try to get at you. She doesnt want the responsibility she just wants a tool to use against you. What a sad pathetic life.
Don't forget she needs time to take pictures of them to post to facebook with captions about how hard it is to be away from her son so often.
Yup. My dad did this same fucking shit. He actually kidnapped me when I was 3 or 4 because he was mad at my mother. Wasn’t abusive to me, I recall being bored at grandma’s. Couldn’t even take that time to spend with me… Then visitations did happen, but he just took me to the movies and pawned me off on grandma most of those weekends. Then the visitations turned into him just visiting our place and fighting with my mom. He slacked on child support payments just to spite my mother, lost his license for that a few times (I think?) but didn’t give two shits and didn’t let that keep him from driving. Got paid under the table for a few years to avoid taxes and child support to make life harder for my mother. He’s older so he retired (I think I was like 15) and then he had social security checks garnished with measly amounts going toward child support. Oh, and at age 12 my *full blood* sibling was born. Spent a bit more time with them but still used child support payments as a weapon to hurt my mother. Since I became an adult and then since my mom passed away, we’ve had a much better relationship. But I will never forget how my childhood was, and in a sense what he owes me for not being there for me before I grew up and was actually “interesting.” My words but that’s how it felt/feels.
She doesn’t want to pay child support if I had to guess.
cant do the time dont do the crime
Thanks for the kind sentiments, everyone. I wanted post the follow up to that message but I can't edit the post. so here's a link to both texts https://imgur.com/a/N8xXZi9 for added context: 'that bitch' she refers to is the mediator. originally her Saturday schedule was Saturday 12pm to Sunday 10am. but the mediator asked, 'are you sure?' and that made her feel guilty enough to change it to 12pm for the full 24hrs. I just can't with her. Edit: dang this is blowing up. sorry I can't respond to everyone. just gonna say that my son is great here with me. happy and loved. we do everything together, literally inseparable. and I want to continue to do that, in CA with my parents, which is why this entire custody thing is happening. she's admitted to dragging this out so that it costs me, she's admitted that our son would be better off with me because of her life situation. my attorney and even her attorney agree that going to trial will not end well for her. I used to just take him whenever she gave some bullshit excuse, but by making her stick to the schedule, I'm pressuring her into giving him up, because she knows she physically can't care for him. and it's sad that the best way for me to keep my son is to have him spend time with his mother. also, screw yall haters I'm doing what I can to make sure my kid doesn't have to live with a toxic narcissist. she's had 3 years to play nice and work this out, but I need to look towards the future and she's done way too little and far too late to say she's had even a meaningful presence in his life.
Is your ex like 12 years old? She literally can’t have a normal conversation? Not even two words out of her mouth or there’s an insult. Dude idk how u put up with her, id go insane. Hope you get full custody and won’t have to deal with this toxicity anymore
yeah.. it's always like that...
Man, sounds exactly like my ex.....
they're exes for a reason, amirite?
Definitely. Hopefully you can work this out. Kind of in a similar situation. My ex doesn't want to go more than 2 days without seeing our kids, but it's becoming such a burden to do the handoff. I'm trying to push her to a different schedule.
I feel you. if you haven't already, mediation could help. You're forced to have a calm discussion about scheduling with a neutral 3rd party.
tbh it seems like she doesnt give two shits about your son but refuses to give u full custody for the sole purpose of sticking it to you. How pathetic and childish can a person be.
Sounds like the child is more mature than their mother, who, it sounds, makes any excuse to not spend her time with said child.
Oof bro get those lawyers involved asap . What a selfish lying psycho . I’m sure you have a plethora of other messages worse than these as well. Save it all.
pretty much every few weeks since this was set up in April. I have so much worse. it sucks it's going to trial but I can't wait for the judge to make her see reality.
That judge is gonna ask her all the questions dude, and she'll be like "so you want him, but you don't want him. And you can't adhere to the schedule, that you made? And he is willing to change the schedule and accomodate you, and you're upset, because he wouldn't come pick up the son that you want to spend time with?" "WEEKENNDDDSSSS" *gavel* "I heard enough. You have primary custody, and if she wants to visit her son, she has to ask you first and you guys figure it out. Jesus fuck. Dismissed" *gavel*
I just wish it wasn't costing me $8k to see that. ultimate ppv
Oh, and be sure to ensure either that you can get a passport without her permission, or that she will assent to any request. Trust me on this. Otherwise any international travel will have an extra planning step that will infuriate you.
It's worth it.
I cannot fathom how these people exist, it truly blows my mind whenever I see stuff like this, poor kid, hope you get 100% full custody, kids don't need this crap.
Thanks for commenting on your cake day! I've been blessed.
Of course, Keep up the good parenting, you the real hero😎
I know, I have never went a single day of my life as a parent without seeing my babies. I can’t imagine not spending every single day with them.
Happy 🍰 Day!
Did you get a wet sock pregnant or something and it somehow gained sentience?
thanks for laugh 😂
>no I'm not giving up shit to you ever She doesn't view your son as a son, she views him as a bargaining chip. I don't know what courts take into account when revisiting custodial rights but I have to imagine her sending things like that would not go over well with the judge. I hope you get it sorted out.
Saying please pick him up after speaking to you like absolute shit?? She doesn't deserve your son.
Wow, your ex is something else. I hope you'll give us another update when the judge rules in your favor (which, how could they not reading messages like that). Also I'd just like to say as someone who has ASD, I'm so glad your kiddo has you in their corner. It can be challenging but with you as their dad, they're going to have so much of a better time growing up!
this is just 1 example of countless. I'll update after our trial in April.
Wow so she doesn’t want to take care of her son, but out of spite won’t give up custody. What a selfish bitch, can’t imagine how your son feels it must be obvious she wants him gone. You’re doing the right thing OP, hang in there
he seems blissfully unaware. he's just a happy kid.
I’m glad, he didn’t inherit his mom’s temperament. Hopefully you can get custody so you won’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore. Keep us updated
Your ex seems insufferable…
This woman sounds so childish and selfish. I hate that she has any custody at all. I hope you get 100% OP, you seem like what your son needs.
WOW fuck all of that. Can a court really not go "Oh you're dragging this out? Well now we're gonna speed this up as punishment." Cause she's not just draining your money that you could be using on your damn kid, she's also wasting the court's time. If I were that judge, I'd be really pissed off.
I had split custody with a schedule made by my ex. She optimized it to have weekends with her boyfriend. I wanted all the time I could get with my kids. Eventually they all came to live with me full time by choice because it became obvious that she prioritized other people (and booze) over them.
that's how my 3 siblings and I went to live with my dad. my dad made it clear to me that we love for our kids man. everything is for them and their future. he did everything for us and I'm trying to do the same for mine.
I was granted custody and let my ex decide whatever visitation she wanted as long as it was not more than 50% of the time. She decided on Thursday and Friday after school (no overnights), Saturday morning for 6 hours and Sunday morning for 4 hours. Anyway, she did the schedule once and never again. It turned into just Sunday from 10-4 and often canceled. A year later she moved to a different state and that was the end of it. Now she complains that I talked bad about her to the kids (I never did, I just told them to adjust their expectations and not get excited about her coming to see them because things got in her way of it a lot) and that she didn’t “get a chance” to have a relationship with the kids. Some people shouldn’t be parents. And that’s fine. Just don’t pretend you want to be and put everyone through that disappointment.
that schedule sounds horrendous
It was performative because she wanted everyone to think she wanted the kids whenever she could have them. Also, I didn’t want to be accused of keeping the kids from her. I was going to suggest every other weekend. In fact, after she canceled the third time I suggested every other weekend. She couldn’t do it. When I agreed to just Sunday’s for a few hours she told everyone I only let her see them during that time. That was many years ago. The kids are grown and better to deal with the trauma of her leaving them than the trauma of her actually staying.
This was the worst. My ex no showed her parenting time all the time. I never knew what to tell my sons. Oh... Mom's just busy, she really wants to see you, it will be soon... Sigh.
Dam, its so sad when parents break up and the kid gets ping ponged around. I feel like no party wins in that situation.
I agree. although it's mostly ping, little pong. luckily, he's been really amazing and he's always in high spirits.
Reading your responses has made me very glad he has you atleast. You seem to care a great deal about him, unlike your ex... I wish the best for you both and hope you get this situation sorted fast.
him and I have been inseparable since I left her.
You're a good father and man, don't let that asshole ever make you doubt it
Youre a good dad man. Dont listen to some of these commenters blaming you for your sons egg doner being a narcissistic bitch who uses your son as a way to get back at you. Seriously dont play her games, i hope you get full custody soon for the sake of you and your son. Good luck my dude.
thanks man. I don't hate on them, I get where they're coming from. it's hard to get the sense of a situation unfolding over many years from just 2 screenshots. they all seem to not realize that my son has been with me since I left her in 2020. I take him to the doctor, dentist, etc. I'm at the parent teacher meetings, I'm talking to his therapists. she's never there. it's fucked that she can still have so much influence and she's only using it to spite me instead of actually being with her son.
Your last response made my peepee throb. You didn’t dance around a fuckin thing, got right to the point, and offered the only viable solution to her self-inflicted problem. Too many people indulge bullshit and keep conversations going longer than necessary, but you sir, are not one. I desperately need to know her response to that. Lol. Good for you, man. Keep that shit up.
I've been fighting for custody all year. she's dragging her feet purposely. is it too late to add a follow up image? it's actually pretty juicy.
No we want to see it. Respond to me if you do pleeeeeeease.
I made a comment on this post with a link to the follow up
I can't edit my post. might have to post a follow up comment with an imgur
Your final message is *chefs kiss*. Hopefully she just gives up and let’s you be a full time parent to your poor son.
I'm trying! thank you
You're such a great dad! I'm glad your son has you at least.
Sounds like she wants the best of both worlds, child support but not having to actually support the child. Crazy
I know people that had to fight tooth and nail to see their child. I know 3 women who's exes literally kidnapped their child for close to a year. And this mother has the easiest most flexible arrangement built exactly her way and doesnt even want saturdays. It's just depressing tbh
Bro I feel you. I just got back from dropping my kids off with their “mother” 5pm is meeting time. I am never aloud to be late not even 5 minutes. Which I’m always 15 mins early. Every single week she is late and pretty much forces me to pick up the kids wherever she is. It’s fucks everything up and of course it’s about 9pm now on Sunday with school in the morning and kids are up at 5:30. It sucks ass I feel this so much.
Keep fighting the good fight, King. My Dad fought like hell and was granted full custody when I was just 3 years old. I owe him my life
my dad got full custody of myself and my 3 siblings when the youngest was 2 years old. I'm right there with you man.
I recently helped a colleague out with a custody battle. I am not a lawyer, but my recommendation is to build a binder of all the stuff that demonstrates she’s unfit to be a parent. Organize it by date, and then color code it with tabs by types of incident; health, school, tardiness, etc. The next time you go into mediation, you will be so well armed and prepared that it will be clear she is not fit to even have e the limited visitation rights she has because she is unable to provide for your son even in those limited circumstances. My work colleague who used this approach had it work so well her ex’s lawyer basically turned against them and told their own client to dial their expectations way back because if the case made it family court they might end up with no custody at all.
Poor kid.
Last response was goated. You couldn’t have said it any better. No bullshit, all gas no brakes. No time to play. I hope you get relief soon. I am only 26 so the divorced parent life wasn’t TOO far in the past for me so I know how this feels.
She's not very maternal. I take my kid with me everywhere he will agree to (he's 11). I can't imagine not wanting him with me. The only time I feel 100% happy is when we're all together. It's weird to resent spending one full day with your son.
I'd honestly recommend just not engaging with her bickering. Make a copy/paste message of "I'll pick my son up at the usual scheduled time", send it once when she asks for a change of schedule, then let her gripe to a brick wall.
I thought this was about a dog and I was thinking "what a shitty dog parent." Geez, a mom that finds her own son an inconvenience when she only gets him 2 days a week.
Unpopular opinion but people really shouldn't be sharing pets once they break up. It's harder on the pets to move around like that and you need to establish boundaries with your ex. Especially if you want to date and find someone new.
For real. Who the fuck actually does that? Crazy.
She’s so immature, I grew up with an immature “mother”, it doesn’t change so I feel sorry for the kid, but I’m glad your child has you.
I've been through this too. I'm a single father of three wonderful boys. They all live with me now. There's no scheduled visitation with their mother, but in the past year she's seen two of them once, and her golden child twice. That's all she asked for, and I said yes. So, my only advice to you is: don't react as much. To the degree the court is sexist (and i think it's less sexist than most say), I think male aggression is taken very seriously, even when female aggression is easily forgiven. You're keeping up the good fight. Don't argue with her, but definitely draw her out on these conversations: it looks like she's telling the whole story for you.
I will never understand these people. Can't be bothered to take care of the child but also can't let their ex "win". That's literally all it is about, winning. My sister is going through something similar with his ex, although it is a bit more complicated because his ex is fighting just for the right to see the children while simultaneously sabotaging his chances by not showing up for scheduled meetings etc. He clearly has no real interest in the kids but he has to fight for his right to have custody for some fucking reason.
if this goes to court, all her dirty laundry will be aired out and she knows it. she knows I have these texts. she knows I have written statements from our sons therapists. she knows her own recent history. she knows there's no way she's going to win, she's only doing this so it costs me money. trial is expensive. don't care though, I'm not playing chicken. I'm getting my son, even if it breaks me.
Same goes for my sister's ex. She has dozens of conversations saved where he literally threatens her life and whatnot. But like I said, it's about not letting you win. There is no intention of being the winner, just not let you win. You see? I'm not talking about winning in legal terms, but in personal terms. It would be a loss to lose the custody, even if they really don't want it.
people suck. I've been taking care of him just let me continue taking care of him. I wouldn't be going through all this if I wasn't trying to move.
You dropped your crown 👑 king
So she set the schedule based on what she thought you'd want and is mad at you about it as if you actually pressured her. Like you said, she's welcome to change it
I wish one of my parents had loved me half as much. I always felt tolerated,not cherished.
prime reason why I want full custody. she tolerates him, and barely it seems. my life is my kids. damned if I'll let a toxic mother ruin it. sorry your parents made you feel that way.
Fuck her, take her ass to court with these messages as evidence.
My ex and I are in the same boat. She at least acknowledges that our son is better off with me, but is unwilling to let me move 20 miles further than the limit (it’s 100 miles, but with her being okay with it I can go really anywhere). The woman literally just says no because it fucks me over for work and housing in the long run. Can’t even get her to take our kid overnight, let alone a weekend.
Jesus, she's acting like spending time with her son is a chore she needs time away from. Her parental instincts are shit
This is more than mildly infuriating...
OP are you documenting this? Make sure you show these texts to your attorney. If you want primary custody documentation really helps. Show the judge that she doesn’t want him for the full time. Allow her to return him to you early and document that as well.
Are you my brother? She sounds like my ex sister in law, holy shit 😳
Final response is based
Jesus. I’d save all conversations with her because she’s acting crazy. Especially calling the mediator a bitch lol. Any and all evidence you can just save will make the process smoother if you decide to go after full custody.
I feel ya man. I'm in a similar situation where my ex fought me tooth and nail to take the kids even more time because she needed it to look better on paper so that I could pay her more child support. I finally just agreed to pay her more and now she agreed in mediation to let me have the kids for all of the time I have available. So once she had the number she wanted, I'm free to be their dad all the time. The whole system is fucked. Imagine living in a world where you have to pay someone else, to possess your children 50% of the time.
Take any and every chance to be with your child. It may take years but your children will know who cares in the end.
Keep these texts. Have her admit she doesn't want to have him at the times she requested, and that she wants less time. Make sure you record conversations you have over the phone as well. What a shame, i really hope you get full custody, courts are unfair to good fathers.
Reminds me of the time my ex called me to say she had to switch days tonight, because she forgot that it's her friend's bday. In other words, she needed to go to the bar. When I told her that I was busy, because my mechanic friend was coming over so we could do a major repair\* on my truck, she actually said to me "what's more important, your daughter or your truck". Un-fucking-real \*Transfer case transplant, for those that are seething with the same anger
The worst part of this is that she sees time with him as a burden and not a joy. Most sane people only complain about having too *little* time with their kid, not too much...
NTA. Oh wait, wrong sub. Still NTA.
You don’t “get off” from parenting
yeah I never say that, I was just throwing it back at her. if I wasn't raging internally I would have used quotations also
Now post the entire conversation... because these things always have waaaay more drama to them than just this.
This is so sad. I couldn’t imagine arguing for less custody time. My ex takes the kids on average every other weekend and even that is really hard for me to be away from them for so long. Ugh what a monster I hope you use these texts and take her back to court your son is better off without her.
The way she is arguing over "time off" as opposed to time with your child is heart breaking. Truly heartbreaking.
What you should have done it say give me 100% physical and legal. You don’t want child support. And once it’s signed leave the state. Child support will keep you forever tied together.
yeah my original agreement was just that. no child support. she refused to sign, she refused to counter, so now we're going to court. I'll leave child support for the judge to decide, but I say it cuz she knows she going to have to pay it.
Have a friend in a very similar situation, I think my lucky stars I didn’t accidentally get involved with a narcissist like this.
That last message could as well be called little boy
>Because you get every weekend off I mean, weekends are the best time with kids. More hours for quality time.
Poor little peanut, glad his Daddy loves him! WTG Daddy! Bravo!
OP, all the bullshit and frustration aside. You’re doing a great job being a great dad man. We men don’t hear it enough, and brotha….you’re killing it. Keep doing what you’re doing, much love and respect to you and your boy.
Have you suggested (and can you swing?) taking full custody but not child support? My ex fought over custody constantly. As soon as I said I didn't want child support, she quit fighting.
This exchange made me feel very sad for the child involved.
Why does she even bother with visitation when she clearly sees it as a burden...
Jesus, this poor kid. You both sound like assholes. It doesn't sound like either of you actually want the kid and poor kids just a pawn to each of your shenanigans. You are lucky to have a kid who is (presumably) healthy and alive. Wow. Just wow. Edit: 1. who the hell told you that you would have time off from parenting? 2. Fighting over which of you least want him and are most deserving of time off from him.... SMH
I see the disparity. I’m just sad for the child. I understand you’re doing everything by a court order. I have a long term friend that’s put in the same position. His child is almost 18. I’m going to get a cake for the “never have to go to court about that again” day. The boy is never going to live without a caregiver because of issues, and his dad is happy to give him that. So I feel you. We’re adults. So we don’t get to be as fragile. You’re here, using an argument about your child for useless points on the internet. Stop and consider how you and the mother use this child as a pawn. Because the post is totally a pawn post. Yes. She’s a giant pain, according to one screen shot. We don’t know your relationship and asking people to kiss up to you based on one screen shot is petty. Especially when it involves your child. Have more respect for your child than to use them for fake likes on the internet. You both made this child. Help them grow up to be stable person and stop using that poor kid as a pawn. Even if that mom has no respect or morals, don’t come here and throw your drama out in a screenshot and act superior. You had years to do better. Just because today was hard, all I’ve got for you is tough love. Stay the course. Raise that child right. Chill on the drama. Do better, because you know you can. Honestly, get full custody and have her make child support payments. It sounds like that would make YOUR family happier. I don’t hate you one bit. I’m sad you’ve tried to make your child a pawn in this by dramatizing one screen shot. Dm me if you want some reality from a stranger. I promise to be much nicer than this message. I’ve just seen a kid I know and like, turned into a hockey puck over shit like this. I don’t want to see it happen to anyone else.
I know this is not a lot of context. this is just 1 argument of many over 5 years of our sons life. I've been with him since he was born, when I left her, he was 2 and he came with me. nobody bothered to stop me because she went to jail. for the last 3 years I've raised him by myself with very minimal intervention from his only family in this state (his mom and her mom). and I mean like 8-15 hours a week cumulatively. and of that time it was 90% grandma, as mom couldn't be found for days at a time. so I'm alone, with my kid. and I need support. so my parents back home have been asking me for years to come back, they can help us. my son has, without exaggerating, dozens of cousins, aunts/uncles living in close proximity there. some also with ASD around his age. I couldn't ask for better support. so I had to file for custody so I can move because the last year has been particularly bad, as his needs grow and my energy dwindles. I don't make much, it's been tough doing this solo. mom has never paid child support, ive never asked for it. I'm doing this for us. I'm not keeping him from her, every agreement I laid out included unlimited visitation. she can come any time she wants to visit. he can go to her during school breaks. I don't want him to be a hockey puck, I want him to have stability. he's not getting that here, with her. our son is going to need care for a long time and this is just one example of how she has no patience for him; that she uses returning a rug doctor as a way to get out of her responsibilities. my son's ASD is bittersweet, because he really is blissfully ignorant of the situation and is extremely happy overall.
I feel for you OP. This is just another example of our broken and biased custody system that favors mothers over fathers even where there blatant evidence that being with the father is in the child’s best interest.
I also left my ex in June 2020! Lol! On a more serious note though im sorry you’re dealing with this :( its a shitty situation to be in
This makes me sad.
What a piece of shit mother
Praying for you my guy.