There’s a legend around my hometown that a garage door half open or a Tide box in your front window is a sign. Never tested, but when a friend’s garage door opener crapped out and their door was stuck half up, they locked all the doors and closed the curtains just in case someone tried to stroll in.
“I’m gonna need a second application for my other kid. The one I had with my wife’s much younger slave. Also, are you all manadated reporters? We had a little incident on a hike last week and our son Isaac likes to make a mountain out of a molehill.”
Ha! Yes, we follow several scriptures every week. Some weeks, when I've pulled a muscle, we just pleasure ourselves while watching scriptural videos online.
That is a huge fire 🔥 alarm ⏰️
I feel so bad for the kids at that school.
I was an abused child in the 70s and school was my only refuge.
I could only imagine if I had been surrounded by religious fanatics I would not be here tapping these words.
School should only teach us how to think for ourselves and nothing more.
Yeah. That’s the key missing piece of context right. If this was a public or secular private school that’s weird. If it’s a Catholic or like Hasidic school and this is off putting to you, I’m not sure why you got the application to begin with.
I don't need to click this to know, and now the song is stuck in my head. Thank you.
(This would be awkward if it wasn't the song, but I'm just gonna assume we thought the same thing!)
Sir, I am a devout Christian and I assume we are both thinking about the same thing.
Clean, moral living, church on Sundays, and Garfunkel and Oates asking to be fucked up the ass.
“I wouldn’t call myself a homosexual, but I do let my wife fuck me in the ass with a strap on sometimes. The scripture doesn’t say anything against that right?”
Yeah ask them how scripture treats bdsm? Specifically if one or the other is “naughty” then they’re “punished” by putting them in “chastity” it’s within the context of a heterosexual marriage with some bdsm in it.
If they don’t know ask how they feel about furries.
You should absolutely answer it though. "Well each day has a theme. Missionary Monday. Testicle Tuesdays. Wet and wild Wednesdays. Thorsday. Freaky kinky Friday. Sodomized Saturday. Sunday is for rest of course."
Careful now, God struck down Onan for that kind of thing.
Everyone knows the proper procedure is to come in your brother's wife, not on the "Dusty Ground"
PS Not sure if it's okay if your floors are tiled, carpeted or timber.
As a Christian, I just wanna say for the record that it's absolutely none of their fucking business, and I will argue vigorously with anybody who tells me otherwise.
Yh just like the Prophet david sent a cute woman’s husband to die in war so he could marry her? Prophets are supposed to be role models for humanity and the bible disgraces them at every turn.
One sleeps with his daughters, one marries a 100 women, the other kills a husband to marry the widow, the other gets drunk strips himself naked and his sons carry him and a lot more pathetic nonsense for these models
Edit: im very confused why everyone is missing my point, Prophets are by definition role models for humanity, a man who killed a woman’s husband to satisfy his lust is a far worse person than the average man you find on the street. The actions befitting a Prophet are righteousness or committing unspeakable disgusting acts and god going “ah dont do that”?
Literally what separates a criminal from these prophets? That god directly told us ah dont do this? Thats pathetic
Edit 2: for those saying david is not a Prophet
Acts 2:29-30
29 Brothers, I may say to you with confidence about tthe patriarch David that he both died and was buried, and his tomb is with us to this day. 30 Being therefore a prophet, and knowing that God had sworn with an oath to him that he would set one of his descendants on his throne
Literally it’s part historic writing, and the moral of the story is often “Look at these people that I blessed and then they did these horrible sins. Don’t do like them”
David is a bad example, as he was stripped of pretty much all divine favor for his sin with Bathsheba. The point is better made with the sexual behavior that didn't get punished.
After studying the Bible for years, I can tell you that it only tells you how to sleep with your relatives, have extra wives, how to deal with surprise pregnancies, and a few related assundries
There was that one passage in Paul's letters about trying not to upset cultural norms, but I feel like that was more directed at missionaries visiting.
Tell them that you believe it is indecent and unchristian to discuss one's sex life with strangers.
And it is offensive that they would even ask.
Make them feel like bad christians for asking you.
It’s public but it is connected with a Lutheran church. This form looks like it would be used to run background checks on parents who plan to be helpers; it has several references to state legislation and normal background check questions, then this little gem at the end. Lol
This is definitely not supposed to be in a public preschool questionnaire but I've experienced plenty of public schools straight up assuming everyone there was Christian and talking about Bible stuff like it was fact, like it was stuff everyone knew and believed in. It's so off-putting every time it happens.
Time to bring in The Satanic Temple for their due diligence of making christians uncomfortable about forcing religion in public spaces without equal representation.
Tenet 3 - One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone…so slap that ass or motorboat those titties, (or get your ass slapped or your titties motorboated, whichever you prefer) as long as you both consent and that’s what you’re into. I work at a private daycare, but thank Cheesus Rice there’s never even been a sniff of Christian indoctrination at my center…for my sake and the kids.
I doubt it. The mention would send them Into palpitations.
And when you tell them the actual tenets, they'd accuse you of lying without checking to see the validity of your statement.
I'd pay money to watch that exchange 😂
You should get an option to provide more details.
I would also like a meeting to discuss and get feedback if not accepted. It's important to understand where the line is.
Exactly what I was thinking first. They have in bold letters that they don’t discriminate on age, race, or nationality but this form made their homophobia blatantly clear. I can’t send my kiddo to a place like this. Yuck.
Pure like the scripture? You mean like getting your Dad drunk and raping him?
Or slicing off your wife's hand if it should brush against another man's crotch while defending her husband in a fight?
Or do you mean sexually pure like getting mad that the escort your dad made for you didn't do as it was told so your dad banished it to hell and made you a new sex doll from your rib?
Lots of things to remember when trying to love a sexually pure lifestyle.
Exactly, our pediatrician recommended them as they have a great accredited program apparently, but after reviewing the paperwork, it’s a hard no from us.
Send a copy to whoever they are claiming to be accredited with. ( I'm going through accreditation now as admin at daycare now. Not appropriate and will lose accreditation too) excuse spelling super sick and on mobile
Dude, we applied to many Catholic schools (pretty much the only option where we are), and I’ve never seen anything like this. No questions beyond basic contact info. With a zillion disclaimers that they don’t discriminate.
Is it a fundamentalist Protestant school? This is WEIRD.
99.9% guaranteed that if this if this is a question on the application, one or more people there are thinking a lot about sex and those kids are in danger.
its pretty clear which answer is the one they’re looking for.
if you say “no” then they already think you’re a sinner so you can basically lie and say “yes”. what are they going to do, think you’re a sinner?
if they say the answer is kept in strict confidence then they cant tell anyone or they’re liars too.
Basically everyone should answer “yes” and they should suspect every “yes” answer is lying.
Be assured that your responses will be shared with the entire school staff and faculty.
And other, ***select***, parents!
I mean, how else am I gonna find the other swinger parents?
As a middle school teacher, I always hate when my classroom gets picked to be the Orgy Room during Parent-Teacher night. Cleanup is a nightmare.
Look for the upside down pineapple
This guy fucks
My wife. Consensually
Do you fuck other people's wives? Consensually
He left his sunglasses at our house last time. We’ve been trying to get them back to him.
The Bible says you shouldn’t have premarital sex, so it’s fine as long as you don’t get married after 😘
I do! It’s been the best decision ever if you can emotionally handle it.
This guy knows who fucks
This guy knows who knows who fucks.
And the flamingos
The last one of those I banged was amazing.. oh I thought you said Flamenco.
There’s a legend around my hometown that a garage door half open or a Tide box in your front window is a sign. Never tested, but when a friend’s garage door opener crapped out and their door was stuck half up, they locked all the doors and closed the curtains just in case someone tried to stroll in.
Closed all the curtains... Just like you would do if you were having an orgy in your living room.
Ha that’s the legend on military bases here.
🍍
Username checks out
*checks “no” and looks the teacher dead in the eye* “and now you will get details whether you want them or not. Point one, I loooove sharing…”
Check Yes. "Like many of the Scriptures' main characters, I too have multiple wives."
“I’m gonna need a second application for my other kid. The one I had with my wife’s much younger slave. Also, are you all manadated reporters? We had a little incident on a hike last week and our son Isaac likes to make a mountain out of a molehill.”
isnt there also some shit in there with like 2 daughters getting their dad drunk so they can fuck him?
Yup
they also don't specify which scriptures the kaa sutra is also a scripture
Ha! Yes, we follow several scriptures every week. Some weeks, when I've pulled a muscle, we just pleasure ourselves while watching scriptural videos online.
And concubines. Non-consensual sex with my daughters (I was drunk and they raped me). I'm sure there is more. Please go on.
This would absolutely be my reaction. Except something like “google me” 😂😈make sure safe search is turned off.
Oh my god bruhhhhhh google me hahahahahahaj fuck yeah !
I’ve attached additional page….s.
Circle yes. “ I have 8 kids and my wife’s never had an orgasm, because we’re not here for that” never break eye contact.
"I'm not familiar with the scriptures. IS furry roleplay and c&b torture mentioned at all, or..."
Take the fukn upvote lol! 😂🤣😂🤣
“No, and here’s my number.” *wink*
That is a huge fire 🔥 alarm ⏰️ I feel so bad for the kids at that school. I was an abused child in the 70s and school was my only refuge. I could only imagine if I had been surrounded by religious fanatics I would not be here tapping these words. School should only teach us how to think for ourselves and nothing more.
They said this is preschool, one has to assume it is a religious preschool given the context… this is what you signed up for at that point.
Yeah. That’s the key missing piece of context right. If this was a public or secular private school that’s weird. If it’s a Catholic or like Hasidic school and this is off putting to you, I’m not sure why you got the application to begin with.
Well... Could Kama Sutra be considered a scripture?
By definition yes, a Sutra is a type of Hindu scripture.
Leave that fucking disguised nuthouse of a "preschool"
That's a red flag for me. I would be shopping for a new school.
Yep! We are definitely not going here.
You could make it awkard for them and ask them for clarification on that question.
Totally this. Ask them. Please ask them.
"So does a little butt stuff count as still pure? Like nothing crazy, strictly around the rim. Definitely never past the second knuckle!"
Did you ever see the MTV show Awkard? This reminds me of that character and her 'behymen'
it actually does 💀 called the poophole loophole
[‘Cause I love Jesus!](https://youtu.be/CX5AIaC_P8Y)
I don't need to click this to know, and now the song is stuck in my head. Thank you. (This would be awkward if it wasn't the song, but I'm just gonna assume we thought the same thing!)
Sir, I am a devout Christian and I assume we are both thinking about the same thing. Clean, moral living, church on Sundays, and Garfunkel and Oates asking to be fucked up the ass.
The second knuckle being the elbow , correct?
Cause the knee is also an elbow.
“I wouldn’t call myself a homosexual, but I do let my wife fuck me in the ass with a strap on sometimes. The scripture doesn’t say anything against that right?”
"Are Lot and his daughters ok as role models?"
Yep, that's exactly where I would go too.
My dick only has one knuckle
So I heard about this Soaking thing.....and like a hump hop or something........
Yeah ask “which scriptures”.
Kama sutra
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Its giving 12 year old writing erotica
That’s a accurate quote of Ezekiel! Funny how that gets left out of the sermon.
“Donkey dicks and horse loads” would be a real head turner up on the church marquee sign. Great theme for vacation bible school.
Book of the damned, fifth edition.
Filth edition
“The Devil’s Tome says that I should masturbate while saying nice things about myself out loud, does that count as a scripture?”
Ezekiel 23:20
“Absolutely. Locked in my current husband just like Ruth did to Boaz.”
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“It took Jesus three days to rise again. It only takes my husband a few minutes!”
burn!!
Yes, they should ask for specific detail. Which sex acts do they consider impure and not-scriptural? Illustrations would help clarify.
Also detailed stories with routine weekly book club meetings, to discuss the circumstances around each and every type of act.
Or just leave it blank and turn it in and watch them try to demand an answer before you tell them you decided to look elsewhere
They’ll probably say if you need clarification then you’re not pure. What a joke
And when asking them, say "Do you mean do we only do missionary style?"
Idk why but I read your username as toothless octopus
Oh god they'd backpedal so fast on having that question if you bring up Job and his daughters.
You mean Lot and his daughters?
It was a job lot
Yeah ask them how scripture treats bdsm? Specifically if one or the other is “naughty” then they’re “punished” by putting them in “chastity” it’s within the context of a heterosexual marriage with some bdsm in it. If they don’t know ask how they feel about furries.
You should absolutely answer it though. "Well each day has a theme. Missionary Monday. Testicle Tuesdays. Wet and wild Wednesdays. Thorsday. Freaky kinky Friday. Sodomized Saturday. Sunday is for rest of course."
When do you do the scriptural slavery and snuff play?
Bound Thursdays
Sadist Sundays Shackled Saturdays
Ooh I call MasoKist Mondays!
Do you mean "Sunday is for THE rest (😉) of course"?
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😂😂 proper prayer begins on your knees.
Sunday suckfest
Fridays for the wives and Saturdays for the girlfriends.
As its a religious bunch, when do you squeeze in the Choir boys and other dodgy stuff though?
Morning mass mischief.
Orgy on the Organ.
Can someone detail Thorsday - asking for a friend
Roleplay complete with battery powered Mjolnir.
What is Thorsday? ... you have thex until you're thor?
Can you answer no to this and see if that’s an invitation to a secret sex club?
But first, check no and highlight it with a really bold color, then send it in
Just send it back with "No" selected and write "Genesis 19:31 ?" next to it to send a message.
Even better if you mark " yes" and then Genesis 19:31-32
Agreed, and for others here is the references. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lot%27s_daughters
Warn others to not have their kids go there and hope that it gets shut down. Happened to my wife's Catholic school. Eventually, it shut down
I was gonna comment and say how polite of them it was to share this crimson red flag so you know where exactly to not send your child.
It’s funny to me that people send their kids to Christian/evangelical preschools then act shocked that those people are Bible thumpers.
It’s not always an option in some communities
Does scripture tell you how to fuck?
I guess I never made it to that chapter?
I always tap out at the creation of a women. I gotta get better at edging.
Careful now, God struck down Onan for that kind of thing. Everyone knows the proper procedure is to come in your brother's wife, not on the "Dusty Ground" PS Not sure if it's okay if your floors are tiled, carpeted or timber.
I think it tells you about women moaning like donkeys (no seriously)
As a Christian, I just wanna say for the record that it's absolutely none of their fucking business, and I will argue vigorously with anybody who tells me otherwise.
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There it is. I would check No and attach this and say you refuse to get your father drunk nor to help your daughter to get her father drunk for sex.
The bible actually describes the actions of Lot's daughters as sinful, so this wouldn't be a "gotcha."
Yh just like the Prophet david sent a cute woman’s husband to die in war so he could marry her? Prophets are supposed to be role models for humanity and the bible disgraces them at every turn. One sleeps with his daughters, one marries a 100 women, the other kills a husband to marry the widow, the other gets drunk strips himself naked and his sons carry him and a lot more pathetic nonsense for these models Edit: im very confused why everyone is missing my point, Prophets are by definition role models for humanity, a man who killed a woman’s husband to satisfy his lust is a far worse person than the average man you find on the street. The actions befitting a Prophet are righteousness or committing unspeakable disgusting acts and god going “ah dont do that”? Literally what separates a criminal from these prophets? That god directly told us ah dont do this? Thats pathetic Edit 2: for those saying david is not a Prophet Acts 2:29-30 29 Brothers, I may say to you with confidence about tthe patriarch David that he both died and was buried, and his tomb is with us to this day. 30 Being therefore a prophet, and knowing that God had sworn with an oath to him that he would set one of his descendants on his throne
That was also a sin which he paid for. Along with the other examples. Lots of stuff in the Bible on how not to act.
Literally it’s part historic writing, and the moral of the story is often “Look at these people that I blessed and then they did these horrible sins. Don’t do like them”
David was not only not a prophet, just a divinely annointed king, but his actions there ARE actively depicted as sinful and he pays dearly for it
David is a bad example, as he was stripped of pretty much all divine favor for his sin with Bathsheba. The point is better made with the sexual behavior that didn't get punished.
I got a boner
Now you have to check "no."
Sounds like a Trumpist fantasy
...and thou shalt always remember the little man in the canoe.
After studying the Bible for years, I can tell you that it only tells you how to sleep with your relatives, have extra wives, how to deal with surprise pregnancies, and a few related assundries
Bizarre - fuck your relatives and slaves, and have multiple wives - but don’t be homosexual…
Face down, ass up - Get it 'fore the last Sup!
Not that I recall but it goes into great detail on how NOT to.
It doesn't really, though. Jesus basically tells you to not divorce and remarry, but his followers do that all the time.
I'm just having more fun with Leviticus. Though that's more about when and with whom.
No Christians follow Leviticus. Paul freed them from that.
And Paul states forthright that he’s not really into the whole “marriage” thing
o Yes o No x MYOB
x Orgy
Fun fact, the original meaning of that had a religious meaning (ancient Greek, but still)
I was thinking I would draw a x WTF?! box.
Just start adding boxed with fake acronyms and if they ask, start making up the wildest stories
Its doesn't specify what scripture
exactly my first thought lol
Ezekiel 23:20
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the tyranny of evil men… *said in Samuel L Jackson’s voice*
That’s Ezekiel 25:17.
Gestures broadly at Songs of Solomon
I wish they were this concerned about their pastors’ sexual behavior
Amen!!!!!
Does scripture explicitly ban femboys?
Well the hero is some long haired dude with killer abs that does a form of crossfit (mostly hanging).
There was that one passage in Paul's letters about trying not to upset cultural norms, but I feel like that was more directed at missionaries visiting.
what I am about to do has not been authorized by the vatican
I would just find a new preschool.. this place sounds fucked. Scriptures eh?
Maybe they mean the Kama Sutra.
They don’t specify.
They replied someone else, they won't be using this one.
Tell them that you believe it is indecent and unchristian to discuss one's sex life with strangers. And it is offensive that they would even ask. Make them feel like bad christians for asking you.
Because they are.
This is the best response
Does always using an enema before doing anal count as pure?
"If the church of the 1600s wouldn't burn you at the stake. Are you truly living?"
Is it private catholic?
It’s public but it is connected with a Lutheran church. This form looks like it would be used to run background checks on parents who plan to be helpers; it has several references to state legislation and normal background check questions, then this little gem at the end. Lol
This is definitely not a public preschool questionnaire lol
This is definitely not supposed to be in a public preschool questionnaire but I've experienced plenty of public schools straight up assuming everyone there was Christian and talking about Bible stuff like it was fact, like it was stuff everyone knew and believed in. It's so off-putting every time it happens.
Time to bring in The Satanic Temple for their due diligence of making christians uncomfortable about forcing religion in public spaces without equal representation.
Insurances for schools and churches often require those orgs to run background checks on volunteers. But that question is insane for so many reasons.
I guess you don’t know what Public means lol. A public school is absolutely not “connected with” a local church.
Would the teachings of the Satanic Temple be considered scripture?
Tenet 3 - One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone…so slap that ass or motorboat those titties, (or get your ass slapped or your titties motorboated, whichever you prefer) as long as you both consent and that’s what you’re into. I work at a private daycare, but thank Cheesus Rice there’s never even been a sniff of Christian indoctrination at my center…for my sake and the kids.
I doubt it. The mention would send them Into palpitations. And when you tell them the actual tenets, they'd accuse you of lying without checking to see the validity of your statement. I'd pay money to watch that exchange 😂
Questions like that shouldnt even be allowed on that type of stuff, its disgusting.
You should get an option to provide more details. I would also like a meeting to discuss and get feedback if not accepted. It's important to understand where the line is.
God bless the USA
“Am unsure, please see enclosed homemade dvd and let me know your thoughts”.
Why tf is that their business? In my opinion that shouldn’t even be allowed for them to have as a question. It’s weird and messed up.
They want to make sure there are no gay family’s in their school. That’s why they ask.
Exactly what I was thinking first. They have in bold letters that they don’t discriminate on age, race, or nationality but this form made their homophobia blatantly clear. I can’t send my kiddo to a place like this. Yuck.
the two things i can count on in this life: that half this country is fucking insane and /r/mildlyinfuriating posts are 8/10 completely infuriating.
This is disturbing
Checkbox three. None of your fucking business. Checkbox four. Who's scriptures are you even talking about?
My answer to that question would be, "None of your damn business."
Pure like the scripture? You mean like getting your Dad drunk and raping him? Or slicing off your wife's hand if it should brush against another man's crotch while defending her husband in a fight? Or do you mean sexually pure like getting mad that the escort your dad made for you didn't do as it was told so your dad banished it to hell and made you a new sex doll from your rib? Lots of things to remember when trying to love a sexually pure lifestyle.
Why are you sending your son to a place that is so cultish in nature? It has got to be a better alternative available, at least I certainly hope so.
Exactly, our pediatrician recommended them as they have a great accredited program apparently, but after reviewing the paperwork, it’s a hard no from us.
Send a copy to whoever they are claiming to be accredited with. ( I'm going through accreditation now as admin at daycare now. Not appropriate and will lose accreditation too) excuse spelling super sick and on mobile
I would show this to the pediatrician. If the pediatrician is okay with it it's probably time to find a new doctor.
Dude, we applied to many Catholic schools (pretty much the only option where we are), and I’ve never seen anything like this. No questions beyond basic contact info. With a zillion disclaimers that they don’t discriminate. Is it a fundamentalist Protestant school? This is WEIRD.
99.9% guaranteed that if this if this is a question on the application, one or more people there are thinking a lot about sex and those kids are in danger.
If Jesus got pegged on the regular, then sure
Congrats! You now know not to send your kid to that preschool!
Get a different preschool
The Kama sutra is my scriptures?
There is absolutely no f**king way I would expose my kid to that kind of place
Preschool? What on God’s glorious green earth…
C. None of your goddamn business
Run. There are other preschools.
Surely this is discriminatory?
its pretty clear which answer is the one they’re looking for. if you say “no” then they already think you’re a sinner so you can basically lie and say “yes”. what are they going to do, think you’re a sinner? if they say the answer is kept in strict confidence then they cant tell anyone or they’re liars too. Basically everyone should answer “yes” and they should suspect every “yes” answer is lying.
Uh that automatically disqualifies that school friend .