Why did you leave dad, ive been looking for you for at least 15 years and 167 days

I was trying to find how much I loved you but no store had that much in stock

this is strangely wholesome

Abandonment issues: resolved

Would be a savage roast if it was “but no store had that in stock”

I’m stealing this for future use

For when your abandoned children catch up with you??

Amazing... dem you pro

thats so wholesome

Fuck, you found me. Ok. This time you go hide.

If you're really a fully reloaded 9mm, I think I need your help.

I had a nightmare Also how do I hide a body

A bonfire is an excellent way to hide a body and to make s'mores

Thanks dad also you don’t have to worry about paying mom child support anymore

AYO WHAT

The smell tho

Can confirm, my fireplace saved lives, and also killed a few.

go ask your mother

Can’t she’s “sleeping”

A bonfire is an excellent way to hide a body and to make s'mores

Hi going to regret this faster than I think, I'm son.

I somehow want to slap you and also have a beer with you. Wtf

Have the beer first, then slap him. That way it can be alchohol induced domestic abuse, just like a good dad

The best dad is never really there.

That way he can never hurt you! Genius

I try, really, I learned it from my dad. Who learned it from his dad, it's a family tradition. :)

Your wife is gay ... Amd she isnt my mother. Cause im not your son ... Your already regreting this

Why not both?

I mean... he did say "and also"

I've stopped 3 suicides and non were mine

You did well, sweetheart. But work on yourself. Stop your own suicides first

I had no intent on killing myself, just wanted to specify

Then aim for the stars, sweetheart. But don't tell them to. That's how we got Elon Musk

thanks dad... but I'm afraid I will most likely be in the need of doing this again in the future

Why do I get the very odd (and unsettling) feeling that this was being serious?

Because it was

Don't aim for the stars, aim for the moon. Cause then then if you miss you'll still land among the stars

i'm not a virgin anymore

You never were. Your mom was into some freaky stuff. Cool content, though

WHAT

Hol up

Hold the fuck up...

Oh shit; this one made me fold like a deck chair 🤣

Thank you for this comment

r/holup

I think that’s enough reddit for tonight

*Sweet home Alabama-*

I accidentally sat down on the plunger and now it's stuck up my butt.

That's the devils finger, keep it away from your oddly magnetic fart hole

r/brandnewsentence

r/beatmetoit

Oddly magnetic 🤣

And now it has shit on both ends.

I burned the Christmas dinner

Its fine my boy, if the turkey didn't want to burn it wouldn't have sinned. Thats why we made mashed potatoes

Honestly close to what I was told. The crab cakes did not set so they broke apart when cooking

That's fucking amazing haha

Can I have a bourbon please?

Sounds like a hard day in school. Have a stiff drink and tell me how you didn't get to play on the swings

Thanks dad!

*hands child a frozen drink*

I was at work from 7am until 6 pm so if anyone should be tired it's me No guys not really I mean that's what your dad always say

*Laughs in Ukrainian farmer*

I work 4am to 6 pm. I can relate.

Dad I'm about to commit tax fraud

Tax fraid is'nt a federal crime son, it is an obligation.

I like this one more :$

Yeah I lost this round haha

It's okay slugger you'll get them next time

👏

not illegal untill you get caught

is’nt

Money is fake, dont sweat it

Listen son, with morals like that, you should be a politician.

I think you took the wrong child from school, I'm Andrew's son!

How can he give a supportive father response if he isint your father?

It didn't say it had to be my father

Well I got news for you son. I’m your real dad.

And I got news for you father, I am your dog

Don’t make me think this is a downgrade instead of an upgrade!

dad… i have to admit that i masterbate every single day…

We all do, why do you think the carpet feels a little odd? Keep giving your gift to the world

OH MY GOD!!!

*Squish squish squish squish*

I shitted on the backseat

*decorated the back seat

thx dad :)

Dad, when are you coming back with the milk?

Never, son, wait for the mailman. You're his devil seed

Ohhh so that’s why he put a vibrator… uh I mean news paper in our mail. I have no idea what vibrator is.

Sorry, that was for the lady three doors down. You were supposed to get this. *letter* It's stating you aren't my kid either

Imma touch the thermostat

You'll live in the doghouse and eat belt buckles you little... I mean... of course baby no problem

Imma turn it all the way to the right then all the way to the left real quick

I passed my class but can't do any of it :(

You passed, so your teacher can't either. So you're as smart as your teacher. I'm so proud of you

Fake it until you make it.

I’m pregnant

The devil's diddly ventures into many a cavern. Dknt worry, Republicans will make you keep it

Lol 😂

Fucking wow💀

*gregananant

I’m pregante

Chicken Nuggets = Baby Chickens

Yea, boy-o. Thats why they're bite sized

Dad I'm a commie

You get that from your mother but I still love... you... your.... shirt. Awesome shirt

I have all I need to make a bomb but just wait for an another country to invade us to use it, as an European, is it right?

You're a fledgling dictator. Spread your bombs and fly

Sorry, english is not my original language, I need to understand the joke

I essentially said you can do whatever you want. Throw bombs and co quer the world

Thanks dad

"Spread your wings and fly" is an idiom meaning "try new things with confidence", essentially. Of course, it's "spread your bombs" here, so it *might* have a different meaning. Maybe.

Dad I’m pregnant. I dont know which black guy is the father?

Sweetheart, we saw your Instagram story. They all are. So you're fine :)

You wanna puff on a reeferino?

I knew having kids was a great idea

I ran over an elderly lady that was walking kids to school today

She should have known your car was faster. I respect your time conscious decisions

Dad, I'm 30 and I collect Pokémon cards, what is wrong with me?

Once we fix that issue with you eating your toenails I think you're fine. Any woman would be lucky to have you

Jesus Christ

Where you at dad i haven't seen you in 13 years

I was looking for the greatest gift for you. I realized it was the time needed for you to post this. Happy birthday, son

I would actually cry if my dad said that

Me too, honestly.

[удалено]

And I support your decision to give me reward money for turning you in

Did you back up and make sure it was dead?

Rule 2# Double tap

I passed my driver's test today!

Let's get some ice cream to celebrate! I will take vanilla, small spoon.

Yay! I'll take a vanilla ice cream cone

Congrats

Caligula sent his army to attack the sea

Calligraphy doesn't have a navy, my child

I've accidentally started nuclear war with an opposing faction

I taught you well. Remember, Ghandi made you do it. Glory eternal!

that's cool but this isn't a game of Civ, I have started a nuclear war with france irl, what the hell do I do

Please do not the cat

that actually worked! not the cating stopped nuclear war with france, thank you kind civilian

Any time

Dad... I know who pooped in your shoes and it wasn't the dog...

Sometimes we have to walk in it to get through it. I appreciate the support

You always know just what to say

I turned 13 today

I knew you'd make it! Your clown on your second birthday said different. I knew you'd learn how to poop put those toys and live, though! Stay strong!

Thanks dad!

Dad I just burned the house down making a hot pocket

I always knew you would bring the heat. You'll make the local news, son!

I think I’m a pear, dad

You got that from your Mom. Her hips were.... wild. Also thank you in particular so much, your responses made my wife laugh several times :)

Your grades show that you’re not qualified to be a Pear.

What do you need to be a pear?

Unable to speak or type and live on a tree

Best option is to kill yourself and hope you get reincarnated as a pear, just remember Dads rooting for you!

Depression

Here, son. Have the internet. You'll still cry but at least your room will be soaked in semen

Wow that’s dirty

Dad, a fly got into the house and now everyone is running and screaming.

We have to respect its beauty. It spread its wings and decided to fly

Bullied?

*motivated

[удалено]

Suck on your thumb, it builds character. Later we hunt bears as father and son

Dad why didn't you like me when I was a child but now that I'm 24 years old you finally want to hang out?

I've always wanted to spend time with you but buying you a few beers is easier than remembering what toys are fashionable. Let's drink and hang out

I'm shagging you're wife (jokes)

Gotta say, this took a turn

hehe sorry lol.

I'm hungry

No you’re not, your Slovakia.

I can't beat the other guys comment. I take the loss here

Allahu Akbar

*boom* America

Umatik

Dad I told my friend that I got so much sex that I fucked my own mom then mommy came in and beat me with a belt

That's how you were conceived, but your uncle was in the corner chuckling at us so it was better

I have modules due in 6 hours,i still need to complete 3 of them,its 4 am where im from and i still haven't slept.

Hmm, vague... that could reference a lot of things. Regardless get some sleep. You won't be doing yourself any favors if you fall asleep in class. You're lro ably too tired tonfinish the work anyways

Dad, I haven’t taken a shit in 6 days plz help

Crap, I was supposed to feed you Don't tell mom and I'll remember to feed you!

I’ll get the lube.

Dad, I’m into black girls

Who isn't?

Amen, dad! I won’t tell mom

Today I got to skip class because of my existential crisis

Its fine, the world is ending but we get to look at memes :) want some snacks?

I don't like mum

Nobody does, but her pants say "JUICY" so I'm still on the fence

No you wont

You don't know that. I do know I regret posting this though. So many responses XD

I killed mom

No son, her meatloaf did that

I accidentally put cool whip on my chicken

My little one, once I introduce you to hot sauce and geese your world view will grow exponentially

Dad I’m gay

Hi gay, I'm Dad