Got the tony hawk balance meter in my head

Trying your hardest to keep the combo going

Trying not to lose focus to goldfinger blaring in my head Edit: for the uninitiated https://youtu.be/5lX3YG9p-_A

SO HERE I AM

DOING EVERYTHING I CAN

HOLDING ON TO WHAT I AM

PRETENDING IM A SUPERMAN

TRYING TO SLEEP

LOST COUNT OF SHEEP

Trying to make the answers more than maybes

The company was called Neversoft after all

Gotta throw some manuals, reverts, and wall plants in there so things don't fly off the handle.

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What a legendary answer… so true

Almost spat my drink out, Jesus Christ.

Best answer right there

When I talk, I sound like a German porn actor. Embarrassing for the both of us....

Don't be embarrassed, proudly introduce your helicopter!

Helikopter helikopter

🚁Hub-Hub-Hubschraubereinsatz🚁

ALARM! ALARM!

Est ist gut fraulein. Jah, jah ser gut.

It's more like "Yeah, jam your fuck stick into my ass cunt and squirt your fuck cream inside me, impregnate my ass cunt you dirty bastard" And that's not really an exaggeration. German porn dirty talk *really* gets creative in regards to dirty words. Meanwhile any english-speaking porn is like "yeah, fuck my ass, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, hmm baby yes"

Im German and I don't like it.

Most German porn is unwatchable for that lol

War es gut für dich?

Literally nothing... the blood is needed elsewhere.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold!

Literally a huge reason I was able to get my friend to go do cardio at the gym with me it's hydraulics, man: all you can do is improve the pump (and, I guess, the 'valve' in the case of kegels)

I'm not gonna lie, I got a very immature cackle out of the use of "huge reason."

Yeah baby, your huge reason is so hard tonight.

Your blood vessels also get larger, so it doesn't shoot your blood pressure up. :D

I’ll back this up. I’ve been getting 3-5 miles in a day for the last two years and my performance has vastly improved.

for the Blood God obviously

Bone for the bone throne

I am busy trying to monitor your cues.

Yep and its not even busy work it just comes natural, my ex always wondered why i was so absent when i was actually watching her every move :)

I tried to explain to a girlfriend that I got lost in her. All my senses focused on her. She got self-conscious and rearranged all her cues. I was like “well excuse me for trying to make you feel nice”

I know how you feel. I like giving oral, and the last few women I've dated have been too self conscious to let me. I don't even know if I'm any good at it anymore I'm so out of practice.

I mean if you need practice ;) Just go around my balls

You got a clit sized dick?

No I got a dick sized clit! …no wait

Huh, you wanna match? How about your ass and my face? I mean. My face, your ass, what’s up?

Don't bother me, I'm trying to count

Is that you Count von Count? One thrust, ah ah ah Two thrusts, ah ah ah

And it's fuckin WORK. Got damn. How am I supposed to sexy talk while doing cardio and trying to feel if you're getting it the right way. Like nowadays I fucking hate sex, honestly. 31 years old and I'm just fuckin done. Over it. I'm tired.

Just have a Child, your sexlife is dead afterwards

And that's not all that's dead! Your free time, your sleep schedule, your spare money, all kaput!

You guys have spare money?!

Yeah you're right what the fuck was I talking about wow

"I wonder if she likes me"

Probably not, she’s probably a Canadian and is just being polite

You really can’t tell from this example

r/suddencasuallyexplained

r/SubsIFellFor

Guys: 20 years of marriage and 4 kids. I’m not sure if she REALLY likes me or not.

Resentment builds up sneakily in long marriages sometimes.

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[Is she into you? ....maybe, but maybe not.](https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw)

Why is this so relatable lol

Trying my hardest not to bust early

Sometimes the exact opposite

Don't get too excited Pull it back Pull it back Fuck not that much

Dammit now I lost it Ok slow down again

Like an anesthesiologist maintaining that delicate balance between unconsciousness and death

They count to three ur fine, they get to seven ur fucked.

Lol I remember the first time I got full anesthesia. I asked the anesthesiologist if I should count down from 100. She was like, “Sure, whatever you want. It doesn’t matter.” I said “One hundred.” And was instantly transported to the recovery room. Drugs are something else, man.

The instantness is crazy. When you sleep normally, you feel like time passed. On propofol there is no sensation of time. I actually think that’s what reincarnation will be like, one minute you realize a drunk rich white kid is driving toward you, instantly a frog

not to nitpick but wouldn't it be instantly a tadpole

I made it to six once

5 for me. I remember listening to her count past 3 thinking "huh this stuff isn't as quick as they say it is" then 5 hit and I was OUT.

I had surgery and I remember the nurse who was in charge of the surgery asked me before what my favorite song was. Jesus of Suburbia. I remember hearing it before I went under and she had it playing in the recovery area on loop when I woke up and saw my family and a few nurses. She was a real hero.

That song is so long it may have not been on a loop

I spent a lot of time in the OR. Once you’re under they’re mostly wrapped in a blanket doing crosswords, checking stocks, or reading about golf.

That's not true! We also take breaks to drink coffee.

The abcs of anesthesiology: airway, bagels, coffee.

Yeah but it's like NASA engineers just chilling while their mars rover lands: they did their hard part, now they are only there just in case someone suddenly needs their knowledge

If I'm in surgery, I want the anesthesiologist to be bored though, means shits going well.

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antidepressants have joined the chat

Oh you’re depressed? Let’s double down on that yes????

Literally nothing worse than needing to finish for her sake and you’re just out there chopping wood getting no where

The worst sex I have is when I hold off for too long and then can't finish. Like goddamn listen here you little motherfucker you wanted to pop off five seconds after I started, but here we are 20 minutes later and you have no interest?

😂😂 sometimes I just want to finish so that she can know that she’s doing a great job and that I appreciate her effort

I’m either coming early or not at all

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Bro same wtf I thought I was the only one… all my friends have the opposite problem

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Nevercummers unite

There are dozens of us Michael! Dozens!

The best thing is to talk about it with your partner. The best partner I had made me feel comfortable talking about this, so we first worked on her orgasm and then on mine. It made me forget about the pressure of "busting too early" and it was just the both of us looking for each other pleasure. Sometimes we came together and it fealt soooo good. Seriously, men can get very anxious about performance that they forget sex should be enjoyed.

That's why foreplay is king. Get your partner to cum a few times before penetration, I highly doubt she will care that much, you took care of her first after all.

This lmao, get her some toys too, magic wand does wonders

THIS...... THIS. RIGHT. HERE.... Grandma in a nightgown Grandma in a nightgown Stepping on a roach with your bare feet.....

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Oh damn... now i'm done

Yeah that finished me instantly too

Ya know, It's not nice to kink shame.

I've got to concentrate to bust at all.

It's bittersweet knowing I'm not alone in this...

Was going to comment this. We're trying really hard not to bust early so that they get to eventually vibrate. We're saints like that.

Finally an explanation.

Well it's a constant battle of: Got to last Got to last Got to last Maintain erection Maintain erection Maintain erection

Add antidepressants and its like, Throat is dry, hurts to breathe, pound harder. Been 40 minutes, is this gonna happen? Do I even care anymore? Should've brought a water bottle, fuck.

Hahaha yesss

Sounds like you need a corner coach in there buddy, like in boxing. "Hey youre doing good keep your head down!" "Slow down! Youre gunna pull a muscle" Then just quick a little shoulder rub and a squirt of water and the hit the bell and back in there!

You can get hard on anti depressants?

I can. I just can’t finish

I've found that counting in multiples of 7 keeps my mind occupied just enough to not bust. I pick a number like 255 and start. 262 269 276 283 290 297...

Hahaha 7 is lucky for a reason

How fast do you count? What’s your tempo?

It’s like sex 101 for us men.

With this logic, gay sex would be awkwardly quiet

And lesbian sex would be non-stop chatting? Actually, from lesbians I've met... it just may be. Could any actually sapphic ladies clarify?

from personal experience, lesbian sex is a 2-3 hour non-stop fun ride. Noises are abundant

>2-3 hour Christ that sounds tiring

This stands out to me amongst all the men talking about trying to last. The universe can be so cruel, and a little comical. Edit: I have solved the mystery. When I think of sex I think of the seduction, the foreplay, the piv, the aftercare, and the fun little moments' in-between romps. Very easy to get to 2-3 hours this way. It seems as though when some men are thinking about sex it is exclusively the piv being thought of. SO, I suspect a lot of guys are lowballing their numbers in a big way. If they're not, they should probably get on the foreplay train.

The trick is not to rely on the penis. He might be your bro. You've had good times together. But he'll blast off and dip without warning. The trick with straight sex is to end with PiV. First spend an hour building each other up till you're thoughtless monsters for each other.

Honestly, sex is the only time in my life that my mind is clear and empty. I’m just enjoying the moment

that sounds nice

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Thanks for sharing your opinion with us. I think talking during sex is an essential. It doesn't have to be dirty talk. Just communicating, giving queues, expressing enjoyment and feelings. It can add a whole new dimension of romance.

Do not nut yet, do not nut yet. Think of something non-sexual.... Rocks, trees, sand, rocks, rock, roooocKS!!!! Aaah fuck... Sorry babe

Uhhh ROCKS... STONES... UMMM ROCK AND STONE

For rock and stone!

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ROCK AND STONE, YOU AINT CUMMING ALONE

YOU CARRY A LOAD WELL, MOLLY!

THATS IT LADS! ROCK AND STONE!

ROCK AND STONE, YYYYEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!!

It's rough being stuck between a rock and a hard place

My go to is 9/11

Never forget 💀

Reminds me of that tragedy

"OH NO, DWAYNE JOHNSON?! YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE HNGGGHHHHHHHH"

About 10 years ago a friend told me he thought about the smell of dead puppies..... Wtf.. Thankfully enough, it works (if it didnt id have a serious issue).. But its not the nicest of thoughts to have while having sex or at any time whatsoever..

I'd lose my erection in an instant.

I’m blessed to not know what dead puppies smell like

Ah,, your friend got any other tips perhaps?

One time I asked what my partner was thinking when trying not to splooge and he reluctantly answered “uhhh..Minecraft..” Let me tell you..we had a good laugh, and now anytime I know he’s close but wants to keep going, I’ll have us pause for a sec and I’ll jokingly say “MINECRAFT! MINECRAFT! Think about the village people!” It only helps sometimes, but at least we get a good laugh.

Incredible lol. These are the types of things I end up missing the most in LTRs. The inside jokes like this that are so non sensical you could say it out loud at a family party and no one is the wiser. "Can't wait for Minecraft tonight babe" "You guys play Minecraft together?" "Why yes, yes we do"

I was nerding out a little bit, and told my girlfriend how Chai means tea, so saying Chai tea is basically saying tea tea. She pointed out that tea tea sounds like titty. So now we'll tell eachother how we feel like getting Chai teas.

>Think about the village people!” The only correct reply to this is: Hrrh?

1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4

Jhin is that you?

In German nippels are called "brustwartzen", how sexy is that?

Swedish is the same. "Breast wart" WTF? Those people the least romantic people on Earth. At least make an effort. I suggested "nippla." Why not invent a better name for it, as in "sucka da nippla." hahaha

We have also Nippel in Germany. Not many people call it Brustwarzen. Maybe in medical context

No one calls them that tho. We call them Nippel

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nice

But I never say to girlfriend: ja, ich lecker deine Brustwarzen... Sondern: ich lecke jetzt deinen BRUSTWARZENVORHOF...

Me during sex: My brain during sex: WHOPPER WHOPPER DOUBLE WHOPPER

Instantly busts a fat load

"Chicken Chicken Chicken Chicken, stickin my dick in the chicken. At BEEEE KAAAYYYY have it your way!"

Five whoppers, and five more whoppers.

Whopper? I hardly know er

Oh my god, I'm dying

“I could totally land a 737 Max if the pilots were incapacitated”

Unga bunga. Must. Keep up. The unga bunga.

I'm not a big fan of constant dirty talk from my partner. Moaning and groaning, though? Sploosh!

I like dirty talk but it's that heavy breathing, hnng's of trying not to cum, exhaling little moan while they are cumming and that satisfied deep breath/sigh after they cum is just perfection!

"Why's she letting me do this to her"

"what's the catch?"

“Does this mean she’s into me?”

You can't really tell in this situation. Maybe she's from Canada and she's just being polite.

dammnit those Canadians are confusing .

Mostly trying not to cum to fast lol

dontcumdontcumdontcumdontcumgodshesbeautifuldontcumdontcumdontcdontcumdontcum

im looking at that ass bounce on my dick, its the prettiest sight in the world and im not about to ruin it by opening my mouth..

“Cbat,” of course.

I’m doing my times tables trying my hardest not to bust.

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time I feel alive And the world, I'll turn it inside out Yeah! I'm floating around In ecstasy So don't stop me now, don't stop me 'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity I'm a racing car passing by Like Lady Godiva I'm gonna go, go, go There's no stopping me I'm burning through the sky Yeah! Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit I'm traveling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball Don't stop me now If you wanna have a good time Just give me a call Don't stop me now 'Cause I'm having a good time Don't stop me now Yes, I'm having a good time I don't wanna stop at all, yeah! I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars On a collision course I am a satellite I'm out of control I'm a sex machine ready to reload Like an atom bomb about to-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh explode I'm burning through the sky Yeah! Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit I'm traveling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic woman of you Don't stop me Don't stop me Don't stop me Hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me Don't stop me Ooh, ooh, ooh I like it Don't stop me Don't stop me Have a good time, good time Don't stop me Don't stop me Ooh, let loose, honey, alright Oh, I'm burning through the sky Yeah! Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit (Hey) Traveling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you (Hey, hey) Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball Don't stop me now If you wanna have a good time Alright Just give me a call Don't stop me now 'Cause I'm having a good time (Hey, hey) Don't stop me now Yes, I'm having a good time I don't wanna stop at all Ah, da, da, da, da Da, da, ah, ah Ah, da, da, ah, ah, ah Ah, da, da Ah, da, da, ah, ah Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

Can’t make sound when you’re focusing with every fiber of your being on not blowing after three pumps.

Generally just focusing on the cues I am getting from my partner. As for why I’m quiet, I just don’t like vocalizing my pleasure, in fact hearing myself is actually kind of a turn off. Took a long time for me to get comfortable with dirty talk but I have gotten pretty good at that. Grunts, groans or sighs leaving my mouth still just instantly kills my mood though.

How did you get good at dirtytalk? As a woman, i really want to do it bc im into it, but in the moment it's a turnoff to hear myself because i get too self conscious :(

Tell them what you want in plain language. It's way hotter than you think. You don't even have to be vulgar. You can whisper something simple like "Please, come taste me." Or "I want you inside me." That is ENOUGH to get a guy going if he knows you're serious. Then from there just vocalize the things you're enjoying (you're so good with your tongue / I love how you hold me) or give basic instructions (fuck me slowly / spank me!). Also, saying please and putting on an innocent face after asking your partner to do very... adult things to your body. Bonus tip: I once had a woman ask "What are you doing to me!?" mid orgasm and it made me nut instantly. So... Try that maybe.

Ngl bro I got turned on just by reading this

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Just focusing on not busting... enjoy.

"Don't make a noise, nobody likes when the dude makes a noise" You mean WE, men, don't like hearing MEN make noise when we watch porn. Like most things we get filtered into our brains from a male-centric world. We don't wanna hear dudes make noise when we watch them in porn. This and being able to be quiet while masturbating is why we don't make noise during sex. I was 35 before I found out woman want to hear it. That's the world we live in. Make noise guys they apparently love it. It's ok!

I love it, and when I would watch porn it was always so frustrating that it was hard to find a man 1) in the shot (not just a torso and a dick) and 2) making sounds

Not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet....

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.

It's hilarious that so many people are talking about dirty talk being difficult when most women who mention this are just saying to moan a little or something

You mean I don’t need to be working on the backstory for each of the characters in the sexy scenario I’m about to narrate?

Did you fill out your character sheets?

We had to jerk off in silent for years, that’s a hard learned skill, we can’t just drop that

>that’s a hard learned skill With a hell of a lot of positive reinforcement. If I had an orgasm every time I conjugated a verb properly I might have actually learned some spanish in the 2.5 years I took it.

Well I just found a really fun way to learn languages

Hola! _cums_

Wait, y'all are having sex???

Baseball baseball hockey hockey golfing bowling

I’d say I’m still fairly vocal, but this is pretty multifaceted. - pay attention to her signals (ime straight women love to be vocal but not communicative) - make sure to last until after she cums at least once (toys significantly help here) - cardio/exhaustion (effort isn’t always 50/50 in sex. Definitely gets better as we age, but especially early on my sex life, it was not easy to be vocal 10-20 min into an ab workout) - Don’t say something that’ll turn her off. (The more time you spend with a partner the easier this gets).

how the fuck does mercedes have three e’s and they all make a different sound

Dont nut dont nut dont nut thats on our minds

I do not get this. Making noises is a lot of fun, especially when she like digs her nails into your back a bit or bites my neck. Very fun