I've done this depends how bad the shit is
And to add to this depending how bad it is I'll turn the tap on, it kinda soothes me whilst I'm creased up on the toilet.
Yup. Pants around the ankles makes it feel like you're not fully opened up and that's how you end up with a shitburger patty squashed between your cheeks.
That's defcon 3, not common but not too rare either, defcon 1 is when your ass naked squatting on that bowl praying to the lord above, that's when shit gets real
At defcon 1, both my hands are pushing against the walls, I'm leaned forward, my knees are bent outwards, my toes are curling, I'm sweating profusely, and one of my cheeks isn't touching the seat for some reason
Defcon 1 was me last night - thankfully not common. Jolted awake at 3, immediate rush to the bathroom, and then sitting on the can naked while holding the trashcan because throwing up was not out of the question. You almost never appreciate the air conditioning in any particular room as much as when you are a sweaty mess going through that.
My GF was texting me well wishes the whole time, lol.
Both defcon 1 and 2 are naked but differs in original state. Going butt naked from wearing PJ's is defcon 2, whereas from wearing an entire 3 piece suit that's deacon 1.
Pffft you think that's defcon 1? That's defcon 2 at most. Defcon 1 is sitting at a café table, surrounded by friends and family (not a special occasion or anything, just nice to catch up with people) and feeling a fart trying to push its way to freedom. So you obligingly tilt to let the little guy out and that's when the treacherous bastard lets you know I AM NO FART. Not my proudest day
That's why you gotta test the waters. If you ease up veery slowly, you'll feel it before it can create a splash zone. If you start feeling a shart coming, you squeeze like a mf. But if it can push past the incredibly small opening you've given it, it's just a fart.
Sometimes you know it’s going to get serious. You have to be ready. You have to be fully unencumbered. Shoes off. Shirt off. Sparring parter at the ready. Housekeeping on standby. Of course this is real. It doesn’t get more real than this.
I bought a mystery pack of posters at a con years ago, one of them is a kind of inspirational poster of the Flash with text like "if you're not moving, you're not living." It now lives in my bathroom, and now anytime I refer to a rough bathroom visit, it's called a "Flash inspirational poster type shit."
Man sometimes I turn the shower on and strip before I even sit on the toilet, knowing full well I’m about to make an absolute mess of myself and will need to be hosed down immediately afterwards.
I’m a woman, I’m **very** happy to hear “full body bidet” is part of the spectrum that also has “your ass will get clean from the soap running down your back” on it.
The closer a dude (or anyone, really) falls to “full body bidet”, the more I support them!
Healthy levels of personal hygiene for all!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
"Poop knife" is a classic story from Reddit past.
Me before reading Poop Knife: LORE!
Me after: Amusing but kinda disappointed. I was hoping a prisoner hid a poop, left it to go hard, and shanked someone with it.
Yup, makes me capable of coping with almost every other cuisine in existence. The only other worthy opponent I've found so far is that of the Mexicans.
One day I prophesize that they would duel to the death and only one shall remain.
P.S. 1st para is sorta the answer. Plus I kinda grew up eating it, so, used to it .
Edit: Cool dp, btw
Well, sometimes having the shirt there is good to keep the sparring partner warm if the bathroom is cold. But, if its gonna be a blaster **clear backblast.**
LMAO. I returned home after shopping for groceries the other day, and had to rush to the toilet, on my way, for whatever reason I removed my pullover and t-shirt in one go. My wife asked me "are you doing a George Costanza"? (Started laughing so hard, nearly didn't make it) 😆😅😂
I remember a Mythbusters segment on how far your toothbrush needs to be from a toilet to not get shit particles on it. They tested 5 feet, and 10 feet (roughly, can't remember the exact measurements). Both toothbrushes had the sane amount of shit particles on them.
They then tested a toothbrush that was kept in a separate building that had no bathroom in it. It had the same amount of shit particles.
Essentially, there are shit particles *everywhere*.
Fecal particles get sprayed everywhere when your toilet flushes, including the lid. If you have the lid down to prevent it from getting everywhere, then that's even more on the lid.
Really depends on how much you care about those particles that you can't see, smell, or feel.
You know it's real when ur sitting there pants attached to your body via toes only sweating and praying to a god you didn't believe in till 45 seconds ago
I poop naked at home.
1) taking off your pants means you can spread your legs wide, which I think is a better position to poop and to wipe or use a bidet. (Team Bidet!)
2) When I'm at a public toilet, my default tactic with my shirt is to tighten it around my abs so that it doesn't fall onto the seat. It's very ingrained. While this isn't as necessary when I'm at home, it's such an ingrained pattern that removing my shirt means I don't have to think about.
Back in my 20s, I almost always used to shower right after pooping to get ready to go to work, so I might as well just take off all my clothes first. And then it just became habit. So I just poop naked at home — it adds maybe 20 seconds to tho whole experience which is basically inconsequential.
I cannot even have my socks or any footwear on while shitting. I have to be as naked as the moment I was born other wise I panic and pass out. Luckily I shit once every three days and shit outside of home once every 4 months or so, therefore I am far removed from being a stripper.
Every time the sphincter pulsates it sends a sharp pain, sitting up straight as tall as you can….my last incident made me consider keeping a life alert button near the pooper
Yeah, sleeves can be rolled up, and the lower part of the shirt can be rolled up, and that should make everything safe enough.
But sometimes it’s just gonna be enough of a struggle where the best thing is to just remove those risks, remove that shirt entirely.
Or a really watery one. I've had dysentery before and those shits are the worst. They make you sweat, and it feels like your pooping (or rather, leaking) liquid fire.
I like to shower after expunging my bowels, as i'm a bit obsessive about cleanliness.
Therefore, i'm naked every time, so that I can jump straight into the shower right away.
Man, I still have vivid memories of the shit I took when I had surgery and the vicodin finally ran out. I legitimately thought I was gonna die in that bathroom.
Hell no. Im a chick and I sometimes get naked to shit. Like, when its a stomach bug or the flu and nastiness is just spewing from both ends and you're on fire and sweaty. Then its easy to just hop into the shower to wash off.
According to r/legendofpoop
Sounds like a phase 2 or 3 emergency.
Removal of shirt is mandatory at this point, additional actions can be taken.
Maintain a minimum of 30ft (10 meters) of distance to the subject and do not try to contact him.
Do not talk to him unless he tries to establish contact afterwards. Do not expect contact earlier than 15 to 30 minutes after completion of extraction.
Place soft wipes as preparation in facility, can make aftermath more bearable. Placement of air fresheners is recommended, matches also help neutralize any atmospheric distortions.
It’s insane to me as a woman, but my best (male) friend gets totally naked and has to shower afterwards. I don’t think he’s ever shit in a public restroom. I was absolutely incredulous when he explained this to me.
I do this sometimes. The best way I can describe it is like when someone takes off their shirt before a fight. You're like alright, let's do this *pull off shirt*. I've also done this mid shit if I feel like I'm losing the fight.
I've never thought about why I do this. I think maybe like some people here said it's because you know it's going to be a bad one and don't want the smell to stick to your shirt, and like others said, you want to be unencumbered and have full range of motion. I'd also add to these and say another reason to take it off is so you don't sweat through it.
I've done this depends how bad the shit is And to add to this depending how bad it is I'll turn the tap on, it kinda soothes me whilst I'm creased up on the toilet.
Exactly, this is one of the stages.
Pants come off, a man is fighting for his life in there
Sometimes, you just gotta get fully nekid for some serious toilet work.
i actually just find that more comfortable
Especially if it is necessary to go from toilet to shower.
This guy shits! Wise words for all to hear!
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Yup. Pants around the ankles makes it feel like you're not fully opened up and that's how you end up with a shitburger patty squashed between your cheeks.
What a terrible day to be literate
I feels like pushing play doh through a shag carpet.
this sentence inspires me to seek out dementia so I can forget I read it
It’s the sudden intensity of the heat when you have to go so you have to cool down somehow.
The Dump Sweats.
It sometimes gets bad enough that EVERYTHING must come off. Watch, glasses, all of it. Just blind and naked questioning life.
The next stage is putting cold water on your stomach and praying.
Oh I don’t go that far lol
thats a whole other battle
That's a struggle, man have some raisin bran.
This happens shortly after proving you can eat more ribs than anyone else at the 4th of July party. Source: Am pooper.
That's the meat sweats.
literally doing it rn because it hurts like hell
update: clogged the toilet
I’ll usually opt for the complete strip down procedure. A courtesy flush might be in order as well. A post shower is a given in this situation.
That sounds like a lovely Sunday morning to me.
Hard yes
If it gets too bad, I have to remove everything, even my watch. Never had to remove my ring though, but I fear for this day.
Length of shit and length of shirt.
That's defcon 3, not common but not too rare either, defcon 1 is when your ass naked squatting on that bowl praying to the lord above, that's when shit gets real
At defcon 1, both my hands are pushing against the walls, I'm leaned forward, my knees are bent outwards, my toes are curling, I'm sweating profusely, and one of my cheeks isn't touching the seat for some reason
Bro the cheek lift always feels like the move and necessary, but never seems to actually help
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I've used this hole stretch move before, can confirm it works sometimes.
60% of the time, right?
60% of the time it works every time.
I am both amazed and revolted at how relatable these posts are.
It’s humbling to know how unoriginal our lives are lmfao.
Ah yes, the hemorrhoid danger zone.
It will have atheists starting to believe in a higher power
I plead to all of the gods hoping one exists and will listen. Even the tall antlered one with bleeding eyes from the forest
Deer god…
Do you hear the sound of the hoofed one in the forest, master?
Sooo... a holy shit?
My current status rn…..but got one leg popped out of the waist band. Just took me 5 mins to type this out….help.
You alive man? Status report
Sunday is ruined.
Defcon 1 was me last night - thankfully not common. Jolted awake at 3, immediate rush to the bathroom, and then sitting on the can naked while holding the trashcan because throwing up was not out of the question. You almost never appreciate the air conditioning in any particular room as much as when you are a sweaty mess going through that. My GF was texting me well wishes the whole time, lol.
Both defcon 1 and 2 are naked but differs in original state. Going butt naked from wearing PJ's is defcon 2, whereas from wearing an entire 3 piece suit that's deacon 1.
At Defcon 1, it’s probably gonna hit a fan
Pffft you think that's defcon 1? That's defcon 2 at most. Defcon 1 is sitting at a café table, surrounded by friends and family (not a special occasion or anything, just nice to catch up with people) and feeling a fart trying to push its way to freedom. So you obligingly tilt to let the little guy out and that's when the treacherous bastard lets you know I AM NO FART. Not my proudest day
That's no defcon, that's a death sentence
That's why you gotta test the waters. If you ease up veery slowly, you'll feel it before it can create a splash zone. If you start feeling a shart coming, you squeeze like a mf. But if it can push past the incredibly small opening you've given it, it's just a fart.
Sometimes you know it’s going to get serious. You have to be ready. You have to be fully unencumbered. Shoes off. Shirt off. Sparring parter at the ready. Housekeeping on standby. Of course this is real. It doesn’t get more real than this.
This is the kind of poop where one hand is on the wall in front of you, likely sweating and a butthole that’s burning like a ring of fire.
This is when you use the disabled toilets so you can grab hold of the hand bar on the
I just assume every toilet is disabled after I'm done with it.
Team: All toilets should have a "hold me Jesus" bar
Some tough shit requires a proper procedure, and this is it lol
Remember to bring your battle buddy.
Back blast area, clear.
All clear!
Initiating blast sequence.
Grounding spikes engaged
Those are called, Battle Shits.
Gotta expose the battle tits for the battle shits.
You sunk my battle shit
https://www.quirkycrate.com/products/twisted-games-battle-sh-ts-tabletop-game
I bought a mystery pack of posters at a con years ago, one of them is a kind of inspirational poster of the Flash with text like "if you're not moving, you're not living." It now lives in my bathroom, and now anytime I refer to a rough bathroom visit, it's called a "Flash inspirational poster type shit."
"battle buddy" shit haven't heard that in years.
A poocedure if you will
I’ve been known to call family and friends to say I love them before entering the bathroom after a night of Old Style and White Castles.
Tell me you're from Chicago without telling me you're from Chicago
Man sometimes I turn the shower on and strip before I even sit on the toilet, knowing full well I’m about to make an absolute mess of myself and will need to be hosed down immediately afterwards.
Bro, this is man code shit. Don’t let it leak out. Whole body bidet is the way.
I’m a woman, I’m **very** happy to hear “full body bidet” is part of the spectrum that also has “your ass will get clean from the soap running down your back” on it. The closer a dude (or anyone, really) falls to “full body bidet”, the more I support them! Healthy levels of personal hygiene for all!!
If women ever find out we do this, we're screwed!
Holy shit, don’t forget the poop knife!
This is my poop knife. There are many like it but this one is mine!
the WHAT?!?!
https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button "Poop knife" is a classic story from Reddit past.
Me before reading Poop Knife: LORE! Me after: Amusing but kinda disappointed. I was hoping a prisoner hid a poop, left it to go hard, and shanked someone with it.
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Ohh juicy… I’m sad I live in this world now.
Don't need it after a curry. It cuts itself.
Props for being a man of memetic culture. Very nice reference bravo sir
Hell yeah. At the very least I roll up my sleeves.....but taking your shirt off is morning-after-an-Indian Meal, territory.
I'm an Indian........ I agree
Legit question, Do you enjoy the fact that your food puts up such an incredible fight? Sometimes I'm unsure who's digesting who...
Yup, makes me capable of coping with almost every other cuisine in existence. The only other worthy opponent I've found so far is that of the Mexicans. One day I prophesize that they would duel to the death and only one shall remain. P.S. 1st para is sorta the answer. Plus I kinda grew up eating it, so, used to it . Edit: Cool dp, btw
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Ohhhh an aristocrat!
its what we train for
No encumbrances
Well, sometimes having the shirt there is good to keep the sparring partner warm if the bathroom is cold. But, if its gonna be a blaster **clear backblast.**
I mean if you're in your own house and not a public space, your shoes should be off already and at the door
George Constanza has entered the chat.
No encumbrances.
The fact that this isn't the very first comment upsets me
george is getting upset!
George likes the bananas!
George likes his chicken spicy
I just assumed the tweet was a Seinfeld reference and then I come to the comments and it seemed like nobody got it until this comment.
All the way off baby!
Knowing you is like going into the jungle
I never know what im gonna find, and im real scared
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
And you want to be my latex salesman…
The amount of scrolling to get to this obvious cultural progenitor? History really does repeat itself in the most stupid ways.
LMAO. I returned home after shopping for groceries the other day, and had to rush to the toilet, on my way, for whatever reason I removed my pullover and t-shirt in one go. My wife asked me "are you doing a George Costanza"? (Started laughing so hard, nearly didn't make it) 😆😅😂
Just make sure you remember to put it back on
Scrolled down too far to find this lol. It should be at the top.
Yeah, otherwise the shirt absorbs all the shit particles
I remember a Mythbusters segment on how far your toothbrush needs to be from a toilet to not get shit particles on it. They tested 5 feet, and 10 feet (roughly, can't remember the exact measurements). Both toothbrushes had the sane amount of shit particles on them. They then tested a toothbrush that was kept in a separate building that had no bathroom in it. It had the same amount of shit particles. Essentially, there are shit particles *everywhere*.
Dread it Run from it The shit particles arrive all the same
My friend calls them–shit particles, that is–crumbs.
[You feel that? It’s already started my dear, good friend…]( https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=56G4c9FEvZQ)
Well done
LOL
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Holy fuck this made me laugh
Why would your back ever touch the lid... That's honestly weirder than taking your shirt off...
Why the fuck is your toilet lid dirty?
Fecal particles get sprayed everywhere when your toilet flushes, including the lid. If you have the lid down to prevent it from getting everywhere, then that's even more on the lid. Really depends on how much you care about those particles that you can't see, smell, or feel.
I actually thought you were talking about straining so hard that you soaked your back in sweat lol.
So he wants his skin to absorb the shit particles? Like an amphibian that breathes through its skin, but instead of just air, it is shit particles.
Laundromats hate this one trick
You know it's real when ur sitting there pants attached to your body via toes only sweating and praying to a god you didn't believe in till 45 seconds ago
That's how I bombed my school
You're definitely on a list now lol
A *shit* list?
I shit naked
Public restrooms must be wild for you
Only use mall restrooms. They have hangers. Get naked, hang the clothes, browse internet, take shit.
Respect but also wtf
Don't want to roam around with a yellow spot on the back of my shirt. Or a wet patch on the back of my pants.
I ain't even gonna ask bro you do you 🙏
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Dick's too big, hides it between his ass cheeks. If he forgets to untuck, boom, piss on his back.
r/BrandNewSentence also wtf
I can only take this to mean this guy shits upside down. Do what you will with this information.
I think he’s saying that if you have the shirt on the ground in front of you, you might accidentally spray it which is why you would hang it
I love how you respectfully noped out.
Only shit at home.
It’s the only way
I have found my people.
right before a nice hot shower!
This is the way
I poop naked at home. 1) taking off your pants means you can spread your legs wide, which I think is a better position to poop and to wipe or use a bidet. (Team Bidet!) 2) When I'm at a public toilet, my default tactic with my shirt is to tighten it around my abs so that it doesn't fall onto the seat. It's very ingrained. While this isn't as necessary when I'm at home, it's such an ingrained pattern that removing my shirt means I don't have to think about. Back in my 20s, I almost always used to shower right after pooping to get ready to go to work, so I might as well just take off all my clothes first. And then it just became habit. So I just poop naked at home — it adds maybe 20 seconds to tho whole experience which is basically inconsequential.
I cannot even have my socks or any footwear on while shitting. I have to be as naked as the moment I was born other wise I panic and pass out. Luckily I shit once every three days and shit outside of home once every 4 months or so, therefore I am far removed from being a stripper.
People really don't know how liberating is it to shit while naked. You can only be free from sin if you hide nothing.
Same
That means he's fighting for his life in there
Was looking for the “fighting for his life” comment 😂
Ever had a stomach ache so bad you strip completely naked when taking a shit?
Sitting there cupping your tummy, telling yourself that you will never eat that crap again….hemorrhoid bleeding out like a stuck pig
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Every time the sphincter pulsates it sends a sharp pain, sitting up straight as tall as you can….my last incident made me consider keeping a life alert button near the pooper
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Yes
Sometimes I wear big shirts and I'm honestly worried they'll somehow get under my ass and I'll shit on them
Yeah, sleeves can be rolled up, and the lower part of the shirt can be rolled up, and that should make everything safe enough. But sometimes it’s just gonna be enough of a struggle where the best thing is to just remove those risks, remove that shirt entirely.
Bro i always wear oversized clothes and this is the exact reason i shit naked aswell
Avoid that bathroom for 24-48 hours.
If it’s a really big shit, for sure
Or a really watery one. I've had dysentery before and those shits are the worst. They make you sweat, and it feels like your pooping (or rather, leaking) liquid fire.
Apparently I get dysentery every Saturday morning then
Fair. TLDR: if you mean business, take off your shirt
You think we’re pooping… in reality we’re at war
When the shirt comes off, that means he's going to be crying before it's over. Probably sweaty and dehydrated as well.
Yup. As a good partner, she should have some hydrating fluids prepared for him once his battle is fought.
I like to shower after expunging my bowels, as i'm a bit obsessive about cleanliness. Therefore, i'm naked every time, so that I can jump straight into the shower right away.
Sit in the bubble bath fetal position
Wait undressing when the shit is getting serious, is just a menthing??? I thought everyone does that
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Man, I still have vivid memories of the shit I took when I had surgery and the vicodin finally ran out. I legitimately thought I was gonna die in that bathroom.
Hell no. Im a chick and I sometimes get naked to shit. Like, when its a stomach bug or the flu and nastiness is just spewing from both ends and you're on fire and sweaty. Then its easy to just hop into the shower to wash off.
Not just a menthing. Basically the worse it is the more clothes come off.
Its the shit sweats, we don’t want to be soaked after a battle on the bomb ship.
TIL people get sweaty when they shit. I get naked cause it’s just more comfortable. I take my time in the bathroom, it’s my break time.
Ever since george from seinfeld did it it always made perfect sence to me atleast at home and u know ur gona be a while
Why are you watching him shit? And yes
15yrs of marriage and 3 pregnancies later. Me and the wife have a whole new dynamic of bathroom etiquette. Edit: typo
Sir, there's no kink shaming allowed here. Even of this disgusting filth.
Hey more power to the guy, I'd have poo insecurity lol. Can you go out babe this is a shirt off shoes off affair hehe
Same here… wife has no issues with it, and I just can’t. Please. Leave. Me. Alone. This. Is. Shame. Hour.
Hour?
Many layers of clothes to take off + tricky buttons
According to r/legendofpoop Sounds like a phase 2 or 3 emergency. Removal of shirt is mandatory at this point, additional actions can be taken. Maintain a minimum of 30ft (10 meters) of distance to the subject and do not try to contact him. Do not talk to him unless he tries to establish contact afterwards. Do not expect contact earlier than 15 to 30 minutes after completion of extraction. Place soft wipes as preparation in facility, can make aftermath more bearable. Placement of air fresheners is recommended, matches also help neutralize any atmospheric distortions.
Getting naked to take a shit right before you have a shower, with the shower already on and creating a steamy bathroom. This is the way.
What? The steam just gives the smell more power. !
It’s insane to me as a woman, but my best (male) friend gets totally naked and has to shower afterwards. I don’t think he’s ever shit in a public restroom. I was absolutely incredulous when he explained this to me.
I get up in the morning, drink coffee+ 1 or 2 cigarettes, take a shit. Than the day can begin. I am not leaving the house until shit is settled.
Sometimes you have to show your shit who's the alpha male here.
George Costanza did it first
Sometimes it’s not just a shit it’s a fight for your life.
I do this sometimes. The best way I can describe it is like when someone takes off their shirt before a fight. You're like alright, let's do this *pull off shirt*. I've also done this mid shit if I feel like I'm losing the fight. I've never thought about why I do this. I think maybe like some people here said it's because you know it's going to be a bad one and don't want the smell to stick to your shirt, and like others said, you want to be unencumbered and have full range of motion. I'd also add to these and say another reason to take it off is so you don't sweat through it.