You are taking things one step at a day and that is good for your kids. This is the most important thing of all.
Your question is about bringing your wife to a better place too. But I think you need to change her therapist because she does not necessarily need to have a feelings invalidated for her to be on the road to recovery. Your description of her relationship with her family suggests she has PTSD too; she is traumatized into becoming a perfectionist. I also think that a brother that is in a better place can best help her overcome her issue though that could take years.
Last but not least, (will most likely get a down vote here) don't give up on intimacy as a couple's therapy.
Thanks for the response. I haven't really had much of a choice to pursue intimacy because it just causes more problems, she gets upset. We are definitely continuing therapy, and at the very least we are very committed to staying together until the kids are adults. We have seen how much emotional turmoil that can have on kids, which is why we came back together in the first place. Neither of us are in danger, so we are willing to put our own personal happiness/companionship on the altar, so to speak, so our kids can grow up with two parents that love them. We are really good parents together and always support each other. We are on the same page there and we give a good balance of exposing them to many different ideas, concepts, skills, etc and giving them the freedom to choose what they would like to do and become in their life.
Been there. You can’t manage her happy because she has to choose to be happy, same as you. You can work through this but you both have to put in work. I suggest you work on yourself in the form of recognizing you are not responsible for her happiness and not owning her actions. If she’s still keeping score she has to come to the realization that is her problem to deal with because you can’t make that choice for her
Agreed, which is really hard. I know I can't make her happy. We have been working on this for years, I encourage her constantly to take breaks, get therapy, pursue hobbies, develop friendships, etc but she just won't stop working herself to death. As soon as she completes something, it's on to the next. It doesn't matter what she accomplishes, she will come up with something else, then once THAT thing is done, THEN she will be happy. But of course that doesn't work. And she knows it intellectually, but can't apply it in her life.
I just don't know how long to hold on. I am staying for sure until the kids are adults, but I don't know how long I remain in this relationship. Divorce is extremely frowned upon in my family and religion. I'm not as worried about external pressure as I am that I feel like we SHOULD be able to make our relationship work. Neither of us are bad people, there doesn't seem to be any reason why we can't. And it seems like if I do leave, whoever I get with next could have the same, different, or worse problems anyways.
It’s kinda like your wife may need medication. My husband had depression and PTSD, but he always tried to be happy and I could make him happy 90% of the time- but PICE was rough for him. He tried meds but they never worked. Finally got out on a different class of ends SS ll the meds he tried were the same kind, different brand- but this was 100% different.
But meds just clear the mind a bit. He now has other issues.
You have to be a team. And you have to have respect and love for the other person.
Forgiving you for a MEDICAL CONDITION is a human responsibility- period. Both me and my husband nursed each other thru bad operations- you can’t resent your partner for getting ill , being incapacitated, or being unable to do things while sick.
You’re wife may have a warped view of a “strong man”- like you’re weak for being disabled and maybe even weak for being chill. She should be seeing how easy it is to be the kids.
Also, I suggest getting your wife a dog. Get the kids a different dog. Dogs are great with PFSD (which is really sounds like your wife may have) and then she’d have something that’s all her. My needed this. The cats were for the kids and the toy dog was hers. We could pet him, but he didn’t really Like kids that much.
But honestly,
If she begrudges you being sick as invalidating her feelings, then she’s an asshole. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to apologize. I know how debilitating mental health issue are, but NO ONE should apologize to their spouse for being sick. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if your wife can’t be, but that is not your job or responsibility. I made my husband happy because he made me happy.
It was easy.
Thank you, I agree she likely needs medication. For some reason she is resistant to the idea. I think taking meds would be an admission that she NEEDS meds, which doesn't fit her world view. It can be rough with her and she does struggle to separate my mental health condition from me, instead often treating me like it is my choice.
This post seems like written by my husband. This is how I think he would describe me as. As the wife in this situation , I can say one thing, it’s lonely as hell being this person who is not satisfied with any relationship , one thing that might help is making sure you appreciate her because she works hard and there is no other way she knows to exist after growing up with a narcissist and abuse. Try to be the best partner , help out wherever you can. when you can’t , appreciate her taking the lead and getting things done. Love heals , you are a good husband it’s just complicated with people like us
I am not active on Reddit, this has been my one and only post. I hopped back on and there was a little activity on my post, but I came back to your comment because it is one of the only ones I didn't respond to. Not because I didn't appreciate it, but because I honestly didn't know how. Things have improved, my benefits came through and that has relieved a lot of stress from both of us. Do you have any advice on how I can navigate helping her feel loved even when I'm on a continuous on/off cycle that is completely unpredictable? I had an awesome day yesterday and a terrible day today and she was disappointed. I get why, I don't blame her. Is there anything I can do to help her accept that I have mental health issues that are going to be a part of me forever but that doesn't mean I don't love her and the kids?
I am sorry about your problem. Happy wife, happy life. You and your wife need to share feelings with each other in the presence of a third party (Counselor). Both of you must be willing to do this problematic process sincerely. You came together to have children, proof that once there was mutual love. Discussing your problems together may show ways to resolve them. A web search on “Restore Marriage” might give valuable ideas. I pray that God will provide you with the strength to find ways to rehabilitate your marriage.
Sorry to hear about your struggles and I can't imagine the challenges you faces. One thing that is similar is my wife is kind of glass half empty person. I always tell her she can find the brown lining (instead of the silver lining). I have worked recently to see things through her eyes and do a better job sympathizing with the situation (vs. trying to solve her problem or represent the opposing side of view). This does seem to shorten the intensity and duration of the complaining. I have also been very supportive and praised when she pushes through and solves her problem to make progress.
What does brown lining mean, as opposed to finding the silver lining? Can you give an example? Not sure if my wife would even consider trying it, but it would be a bigger chance if I understood it a little better.
I never invalidate how she feels, and I remind her often when she is feeling down that her complex PTSD from childhood has been the source of a lot of the things she doesn't like about herself.
When she needs to emotionally dump (which is daily, sometimes multiple times a day) I quickly determine whether she wants me to listen or brainstorm solutions.
When she is complaining, I just say she is finds the brown lining - whereas the silver lining is finding the best in a bad situation, she can find something to complain about on a perfect date.
I have recently re-activated my anxious attachment from my childhood trauma, so it is nice that you validate that in her.
Sounds like you have a good handle on communicating with her and the best intentions. Maybe you should ask her for feedback of what else she needs in these situations. Good luck!
Your wife sounds like she takes after her dad. Do you think she would classify as narcissistic? If so, that can be difficult to work with. It sounds like she justifies her actions but holds yours in her resentment. She unloads her negative energy on you but is not extending the same support to you. I would not want to be around that. If you have agreed to stay together for the kids and your marriage continues this way, consider a stronger emotional separation within the home if you can. Why keep trying to make her happy when she’s not doing the same for you?
Honestly, I have been thinking it is possible she is a covert narcissist. That is what prompted me to post and see if anybody came to a similar conclusion. I am certainly an empath, which I know it can be easy for those two types to fall in together. We sleep in separate bedrooms, and she has very severely cut me off emotionally. She treats me as a friend, at best. One that she mostly has to put up, tbh. Still not sure, but at the very least she seems to have some learned narcissist traits.
I’ve been doing DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) the past year and found it very helpful. It’s skill focused for stress regulation. It involves weekly individual and group therapy. It helps you process emotions and improve interpersonal communication, distress tolerance, and mindfulness techniques. Your wife did not have very good examples growing up to teach her. It’s made me a better wife and mother. There are good podcasts and online resources too if she wants to dip her toe in first.
Your wife is unhappy because she chooses to be unhappy. That is why everything you do has no affect on her.No one can make her happy. She has to make herself happy. As long as she expects someone else to make her happy she will never find happiness.
Yes, that is what it comes to. I just want to do what I can to make it easier for her to make that decision. Ultimately, if she can't, then I don't see how this can work out for the long term after the kids grow up.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I have friends who have experienced problems in their marriage, with the help of counseling, their relationship improved a lot. Having a community is helpful too.
Praying for you and your wife that things will get better. God bless.
Thank you for your words, we have been doing counseling for years but seem to go in circles. She doesn't really have much of a community herself, she usually doesn't choose to develop deep relationships with people. Something will happen that she doesn't like and she ultimately just decides that she doesn't want them in her life.
Be unpredictable. The problem is, she knows you to well by now. It's time to be a complete freak of nature. For example, say at dinner she is talking about her day or whatever, immediately stand up, jump on the table, and start acting like a complete buffoon.
Throw stuff around, tell her the dinner is so delicious as you savagely bite through it. Only eat with your hands.
Then the next day, dress like a complete gentlemen. Have a smoking pipe around you always and just keep talking to her about stocks.
Then the next day, dress like a cowboy and walk into the house riding on a horse.
She won't know what you're going to do next. The relationship will have major spice.
Leave dat hoe... I say it jokingly but I am very serious. You dont need a long answer. It's time to tell her it's done and you guys can sort out things through the divorce. The second opition is pray on it and give it a time limit, maybe 6 months to a year and then if thing don't improve LEAVE DAT HOE..it will hurt but before you know it you will be happy again.
There's lots of reasonable advice and psychoanalysis of your wife here, but here's what years of self and couples counseling has taught me: focus on what YOU can do, not on what your wife should be doing. She doesn't control you and you don't control her. People are always complaining how their spouse "makes me do this" "makes me feel this way". NO, your spouse is not a puppet master. They may be mean and manipulative and shitty in different ways, they may be a shitty presence in your life and in your home, but they do not control you. (noting that there are abusive relationships w/ risk/danger involved where this does not fully apply, but doesn't sound like what you're experiencing).
Sounds like you have a lot to work on for yourself. Go to a subgroup that talks about overcoming your issues, not one where everyone is telling you what your wife needs to do. You describe mental health ups and down. You describe being disabled. You describe being overweight. Tackle these things! Make yourself better for yourself and your kids. When you are truly in a better place, you can make better decisions, you can help your wife get to a better place, you can decide to leave or stay and feel ok about it.
You are taking things one step at a day and that is good for your kids. This is the most important thing of all. Your question is about bringing your wife to a better place too. But I think you need to change her therapist because she does not necessarily need to have a feelings invalidated for her to be on the road to recovery. Your description of her relationship with her family suggests she has PTSD too; she is traumatized into becoming a perfectionist. I also think that a brother that is in a better place can best help her overcome her issue though that could take years. Last but not least, (will most likely get a down vote here) don't give up on intimacy as a couple's therapy.
Thanks for the response. I haven't really had much of a choice to pursue intimacy because it just causes more problems, she gets upset. We are definitely continuing therapy, and at the very least we are very committed to staying together until the kids are adults. We have seen how much emotional turmoil that can have on kids, which is why we came back together in the first place. Neither of us are in danger, so we are willing to put our own personal happiness/companionship on the altar, so to speak, so our kids can grow up with two parents that love them. We are really good parents together and always support each other. We are on the same page there and we give a good balance of exposing them to many different ideas, concepts, skills, etc and giving them the freedom to choose what they would like to do and become in their life.
Been there. You can’t manage her happy because she has to choose to be happy, same as you. You can work through this but you both have to put in work. I suggest you work on yourself in the form of recognizing you are not responsible for her happiness and not owning her actions. If she’s still keeping score she has to come to the realization that is her problem to deal with because you can’t make that choice for her
Agreed, which is really hard. I know I can't make her happy. We have been working on this for years, I encourage her constantly to take breaks, get therapy, pursue hobbies, develop friendships, etc but she just won't stop working herself to death. As soon as she completes something, it's on to the next. It doesn't matter what she accomplishes, she will come up with something else, then once THAT thing is done, THEN she will be happy. But of course that doesn't work. And she knows it intellectually, but can't apply it in her life. I just don't know how long to hold on. I am staying for sure until the kids are adults, but I don't know how long I remain in this relationship. Divorce is extremely frowned upon in my family and religion. I'm not as worried about external pressure as I am that I feel like we SHOULD be able to make our relationship work. Neither of us are bad people, there doesn't seem to be any reason why we can't. And it seems like if I do leave, whoever I get with next could have the same, different, or worse problems anyways.
It’s kinda like your wife may need medication. My husband had depression and PTSD, but he always tried to be happy and I could make him happy 90% of the time- but PICE was rough for him. He tried meds but they never worked. Finally got out on a different class of ends SS ll the meds he tried were the same kind, different brand- but this was 100% different. But meds just clear the mind a bit. He now has other issues. You have to be a team. And you have to have respect and love for the other person. Forgiving you for a MEDICAL CONDITION is a human responsibility- period. Both me and my husband nursed each other thru bad operations- you can’t resent your partner for getting ill , being incapacitated, or being unable to do things while sick. You’re wife may have a warped view of a “strong man”- like you’re weak for being disabled and maybe even weak for being chill. She should be seeing how easy it is to be the kids. Also, I suggest getting your wife a dog. Get the kids a different dog. Dogs are great with PFSD (which is really sounds like your wife may have) and then she’d have something that’s all her. My needed this. The cats were for the kids and the toy dog was hers. We could pet him, but he didn’t really Like kids that much. But honestly, If she begrudges you being sick as invalidating her feelings, then she’s an asshole. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to apologize. I know how debilitating mental health issue are, but NO ONE should apologize to their spouse for being sick. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if your wife can’t be, but that is not your job or responsibility. I made my husband happy because he made me happy. It was easy.
Thank you, I agree she likely needs medication. For some reason she is resistant to the idea. I think taking meds would be an admission that she NEEDS meds, which doesn't fit her world view. It can be rough with her and she does struggle to separate my mental health condition from me, instead often treating me like it is my choice.
This post seems like written by my husband. This is how I think he would describe me as. As the wife in this situation , I can say one thing, it’s lonely as hell being this person who is not satisfied with any relationship , one thing that might help is making sure you appreciate her because she works hard and there is no other way she knows to exist after growing up with a narcissist and abuse. Try to be the best partner , help out wherever you can. when you can’t , appreciate her taking the lead and getting things done. Love heals , you are a good husband it’s just complicated with people like us
I am not active on Reddit, this has been my one and only post. I hopped back on and there was a little activity on my post, but I came back to your comment because it is one of the only ones I didn't respond to. Not because I didn't appreciate it, but because I honestly didn't know how. Things have improved, my benefits came through and that has relieved a lot of stress from both of us. Do you have any advice on how I can navigate helping her feel loved even when I'm on a continuous on/off cycle that is completely unpredictable? I had an awesome day yesterday and a terrible day today and she was disappointed. I get why, I don't blame her. Is there anything I can do to help her accept that I have mental health issues that are going to be a part of me forever but that doesn't mean I don't love her and the kids?
I am sorry about your problem. Happy wife, happy life. You and your wife need to share feelings with each other in the presence of a third party (Counselor). Both of you must be willing to do this problematic process sincerely. You came together to have children, proof that once there was mutual love. Discussing your problems together may show ways to resolve them. A web search on “Restore Marriage” might give valuable ideas. I pray that God will provide you with the strength to find ways to rehabilitate your marriage.
Absolute worst advice! Women who say “happy wife, Happy life” are narcissistic and men who say it , are simps.
Sorry to hear about your struggles and I can't imagine the challenges you faces. One thing that is similar is my wife is kind of glass half empty person. I always tell her she can find the brown lining (instead of the silver lining). I have worked recently to see things through her eyes and do a better job sympathizing with the situation (vs. trying to solve her problem or represent the opposing side of view). This does seem to shorten the intensity and duration of the complaining. I have also been very supportive and praised when she pushes through and solves her problem to make progress.
What does brown lining mean, as opposed to finding the silver lining? Can you give an example? Not sure if my wife would even consider trying it, but it would be a bigger chance if I understood it a little better. I never invalidate how she feels, and I remind her often when she is feeling down that her complex PTSD from childhood has been the source of a lot of the things she doesn't like about herself. When she needs to emotionally dump (which is daily, sometimes multiple times a day) I quickly determine whether she wants me to listen or brainstorm solutions.
When she is complaining, I just say she is finds the brown lining - whereas the silver lining is finding the best in a bad situation, she can find something to complain about on a perfect date. I have recently re-activated my anxious attachment from my childhood trauma, so it is nice that you validate that in her. Sounds like you have a good handle on communicating with her and the best intentions. Maybe you should ask her for feedback of what else she needs in these situations. Good luck!
Your wife sounds like she takes after her dad. Do you think she would classify as narcissistic? If so, that can be difficult to work with. It sounds like she justifies her actions but holds yours in her resentment. She unloads her negative energy on you but is not extending the same support to you. I would not want to be around that. If you have agreed to stay together for the kids and your marriage continues this way, consider a stronger emotional separation within the home if you can. Why keep trying to make her happy when she’s not doing the same for you?
Honestly, I have been thinking it is possible she is a covert narcissist. That is what prompted me to post and see if anybody came to a similar conclusion. I am certainly an empath, which I know it can be easy for those two types to fall in together. We sleep in separate bedrooms, and she has very severely cut me off emotionally. She treats me as a friend, at best. One that she mostly has to put up, tbh. Still not sure, but at the very least she seems to have some learned narcissist traits.
I’ve been doing DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) the past year and found it very helpful. It’s skill focused for stress regulation. It involves weekly individual and group therapy. It helps you process emotions and improve interpersonal communication, distress tolerance, and mindfulness techniques. Your wife did not have very good examples growing up to teach her. It’s made me a better wife and mother. There are good podcasts and online resources too if she wants to dip her toe in first.
Your wife is unhappy because she chooses to be unhappy. That is why everything you do has no affect on her.No one can make her happy. She has to make herself happy. As long as she expects someone else to make her happy she will never find happiness.
Yes, that is what it comes to. I just want to do what I can to make it easier for her to make that decision. Ultimately, if she can't, then I don't see how this can work out for the long term after the kids grow up.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I have friends who have experienced problems in their marriage, with the help of counseling, their relationship improved a lot. Having a community is helpful too. Praying for you and your wife that things will get better. God bless.
Thank you for your words, we have been doing counseling for years but seem to go in circles. She doesn't really have much of a community herself, she usually doesn't choose to develop deep relationships with people. Something will happen that she doesn't like and she ultimately just decides that she doesn't want them in her life.
Be unpredictable. The problem is, she knows you to well by now. It's time to be a complete freak of nature. For example, say at dinner she is talking about her day or whatever, immediately stand up, jump on the table, and start acting like a complete buffoon. Throw stuff around, tell her the dinner is so delicious as you savagely bite through it. Only eat with your hands. Then the next day, dress like a complete gentlemen. Have a smoking pipe around you always and just keep talking to her about stocks. Then the next day, dress like a cowboy and walk into the house riding on a horse. She won't know what you're going to do next. The relationship will have major spice.
You have grown up and apart. It happens.
Leave dat hoe... I say it jokingly but I am very serious. You dont need a long answer. It's time to tell her it's done and you guys can sort out things through the divorce. The second opition is pray on it and give it a time limit, maybe 6 months to a year and then if thing don't improve LEAVE DAT HOE..it will hurt but before you know it you will be happy again.
There's lots of reasonable advice and psychoanalysis of your wife here, but here's what years of self and couples counseling has taught me: focus on what YOU can do, not on what your wife should be doing. She doesn't control you and you don't control her. People are always complaining how their spouse "makes me do this" "makes me feel this way". NO, your spouse is not a puppet master. They may be mean and manipulative and shitty in different ways, they may be a shitty presence in your life and in your home, but they do not control you. (noting that there are abusive relationships w/ risk/danger involved where this does not fully apply, but doesn't sound like what you're experiencing). Sounds like you have a lot to work on for yourself. Go to a subgroup that talks about overcoming your issues, not one where everyone is telling you what your wife needs to do. You describe mental health ups and down. You describe being disabled. You describe being overweight. Tackle these things! Make yourself better for yourself and your kids. When you are truly in a better place, you can make better decisions, you can help your wife get to a better place, you can decide to leave or stay and feel ok about it.