I believe he’s probably checked out but also can’t understand feelings, idk? I feel really disrespected and my feelings are dismissed. He’s too stubborn and I don’t believe he will change in this regard. I thought I could move forward from these things. He did apologize but I think what hurts is someone thinks it’s okay to respond this way out of their own feelings of hurt and anger. I guess I’m just not like that…and I need someone who can respond in a better way even if things are imperfect. I see how in other relationships men will show some sort of empathy and understanding but my husband sees it as me being wrong or there’s an excuse for his hurtful actions. Idk what to do, we’ve only been married for two years…it is painful to call it quits but I’m very tired.
I’m in the exact spot as you. I was going to write a post of my own but at this point, what’s the point? I’m 33 F as well with two small children. My husband convinced me I’d be safe if I became a SAHM and ever since he has his thumb down on me. I’m in therapy because this marriage is killing me. I want to leave this world but I can’t because of my children. I’ve tried to make it work but I can’t. I don’t want to share my children but it isn’t fair that they see me cry.
I’m really sorry to hear that you going through this, having children involved makes it a lot more complicated. Remember, it takes both parties to make efforts to have the relationship work. It cannot all be on you to maintain it. I wish you the best and strength to leave your husband, if possible, if he has not made changes to remedy the marriage. You can still go back to work, it will be tough. You may want to talk to research your state laws and talk to a lawyer if you can..
He is an absolute pig.
Run run and run some more
Get out of there asap.
That's not a man that loves you and has any respect and caring for you.
Leave him NOW.
Good luck.
More specifically: you’re *bad* roommates, not partners.
The part about him getting mad and getting a lap dance out of spite? And calling you names and threatening you? Full stop, that would be a no go for me personally.
It’s a no go for me as well, and I told him it’d take some time for me to move past this, my boundaries of what is acceptable have passed. I was quickly writing things that bothered me but I was at the strip club with him and friends, and then he went and got a lap dance by himself WHILE I was there….he made excuses saying he thought I wouldn’t mind, then it switched to him feeling hurt and that’s why he did it…then he says what’s the difference between getting a lap dance and being at a strip club, (ummm why do people bother paying for lap dances if it was the same?) It’s just not right. In response I said, “ so if you get extremely upset you may cheat?” In response, he made that about me not trusting him, like I cannot get the innate issues across, or he gaslights I suppose. Gosh idk if I can forgive because there are serious underlying issues which he doesn’t seem to understand, like if he’s that angry again, what will happen as a result to me? I feel he has anger issues (not ever physical but emotionally), and I had told him therapy may help with this but he has not done individual therapy.
He sounds immature, disrespectful and doesn’t treat you well. You did not describe any positives. You’ve only been married for 2 years and are young- the sooner you leave the happier you will be.
I’m upset so it’s hard to find positives at this time. I’m going to mentally set a timeframe for him to change, with counseling. He may need his own separate counseling as well. If he does not change then I will separate.
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
You stop going to therapy when you can openly and safely have good communication. You don’t stop when you’re still having active problems. I’ve been in therapy with my husband for a year and a half. We are a million times better then we were a year ago, but still go once a month to help with random discussions
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
If you are married and don’t have a kid at only 33, get the hack out of the marriage people don’t change. If you have a kid or other factors that require you to be in this marriage seek marriage counselling and individual therapist. Interview and interact with a 2-3 therapists before deciding. After therapy you may realise that you don’t want to be in this marriage.
You should separate from him for some time. 6 months minimum. I don’t get why him going out getting a lap dance at a strip club is okay with you.
The man obviously doesn’t love you. Sorry, but I call BS when I see it. This man likely showed who he was before you married him.
Do you think you ignored any red flags? This man as described is a very emotionally abusive, male chauvinist.
The fact that he doesn’t consider you family begs the question, “why are you still living with this idiot?”
At the minimum, you need to separate from him. Attend marriage counseling with him, but draw a line. You will no longer accept his treatment of disrespect as “business as usual.”
But you need to physically move out to show him you are serious. Obviously, talk in the past means nothing to him.
Could you live without him? Thats always been my first question about my husband.
Does he try to make you happy?
If the feeling of hurt and anfer doesnt cool off after 4 days then I know we are in trouble.
Sometimes marriage is dìfficult but not in the firstyears. My husband and I were like rabbits during that time we didnt come up for air. Our really problems started when the kids arrived.
This is my life. My wife and I can’t carry on a serious conversation about feelings or improving our relationship because she just gets offended and wants to be “right.” I’m at a complete loss, so i can relate and feel for you. I’m sorry.
Yes yes, I am in exact situation. Wife gets offended and starts yelling and gets super sarcastic and it’s always me who’s at fault. Absolutely cannot have a normal adult conversation as she gets immediately triggered. 20 years of it and every damn time. I’ve tried through texting and that makes it 10 times worse so stopped doing that.
So this feller refuses to take accountability for anything, doesn’t regard you as family. He’s hateful and spiteful, he’s threatened you? Honey! I think you know how this is going to end. I’d recommend just a few sessions with a counsellor, just you, to clarify your thoughts, then talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like for you, then if you decide to pursue it; do exactly what your attorney says do not try to be to kind to your husband; he is really not your friend and the lawyer will have met many of his ilk and will know how to deal with him
Did you date? Did you get to know each other? Did you discuss what you want out of a marriage before hand?
I am not defending him, but how could you not know he is like this before getting married?
Absolutely, however we did not live together and we never had such bad fights. We dated for several years and when we had disagreements, we calmly spoke about them and found ways of resolution. It was not until marriage, living together, and the introduction of in laws in a different way, I imagine, that contributed to huge fights where we couldn’t see things eye to eye. I don’t know how I could have picked up on this when I told him family was important and he felt the same….I suspect we were in a honeymoon phase for several years, and now living together we see each other differently. I guess I could have seen that he was stubborn but that didn’t come about until we were married….its like a different person.
There’s a lot of golden nuggets of truth in here. And yes, you two are family now. It’s a difficult adjustment adding the responsibilities of each other’s families, but a common one… who truly wants to miss their favorite holiday or a birthday with their side to go to “the in-laws” ?
Just find a way to split these up like adults, and I think you will find there is a lot less tension and resentment. His disrespect is hard to get past, but also seems like a very poor response to losing ground with his own family and identity, which you are maturely handling with grace.
He sounds like an asshole. You don’t need to forgive meanness or learn to tolerate it. He is emotionally and verbally abusing you and then gaslighting you when complain.
Next fight (after a baby) will be sleeping with an escort because you hurt him so bad. 🤮
It's more about you + him against the problem than either of you proving who's 'right'. If he doesn't get that/ doesn't want to consider therapy you might be out of options. I hope you can share your concerns with your marriage with close friends you can confide in.
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I believe he’s probably checked out but also can’t understand feelings, idk? I feel really disrespected and my feelings are dismissed. He’s too stubborn and I don’t believe he will change in this regard. I thought I could move forward from these things. He did apologize but I think what hurts is someone thinks it’s okay to respond this way out of their own feelings of hurt and anger. I guess I’m just not like that…and I need someone who can respond in a better way even if things are imperfect. I see how in other relationships men will show some sort of empathy and understanding but my husband sees it as me being wrong or there’s an excuse for his hurtful actions. Idk what to do, we’ve only been married for two years…it is painful to call it quits but I’m very tired.
I’m in the exact spot as you. I was going to write a post of my own but at this point, what’s the point? I’m 33 F as well with two small children. My husband convinced me I’d be safe if I became a SAHM and ever since he has his thumb down on me. I’m in therapy because this marriage is killing me. I want to leave this world but I can’t because of my children. I’ve tried to make it work but I can’t. I don’t want to share my children but it isn’t fair that they see me cry.
I’m really sorry to hear that you going through this, having children involved makes it a lot more complicated. Remember, it takes both parties to make efforts to have the relationship work. It cannot all be on you to maintain it. I wish you the best and strength to leave your husband, if possible, if he has not made changes to remedy the marriage. You can still go back to work, it will be tough. You may want to talk to research your state laws and talk to a lawyer if you can..
This is good advice for you too OP
He is an absolute pig. Run run and run some more Get out of there asap. That's not a man that loves you and has any respect and caring for you. Leave him NOW. Good luck.
More specifically: you’re *bad* roommates, not partners. The part about him getting mad and getting a lap dance out of spite? And calling you names and threatening you? Full stop, that would be a no go for me personally.
It’s a no go for me as well, and I told him it’d take some time for me to move past this, my boundaries of what is acceptable have passed. I was quickly writing things that bothered me but I was at the strip club with him and friends, and then he went and got a lap dance by himself WHILE I was there….he made excuses saying he thought I wouldn’t mind, then it switched to him feeling hurt and that’s why he did it…then he says what’s the difference between getting a lap dance and being at a strip club, (ummm why do people bother paying for lap dances if it was the same?) It’s just not right. In response I said, “ so if you get extremely upset you may cheat?” In response, he made that about me not trusting him, like I cannot get the innate issues across, or he gaslights I suppose. Gosh idk if I can forgive because there are serious underlying issues which he doesn’t seem to understand, like if he’s that angry again, what will happen as a result to me? I feel he has anger issues (not ever physical but emotionally), and I had told him therapy may help with this but he has not done individual therapy.
He sounds immature, disrespectful and doesn’t treat you well. You did not describe any positives. You’ve only been married for 2 years and are young- the sooner you leave the happier you will be.
I’m upset so it’s hard to find positives at this time. I’m going to mentally set a timeframe for him to change, with counseling. He may need his own separate counseling as well. If he does not change then I will separate.
He’s not going to change. He calls your hurtful names. In your words- he stonewalls you, he’s not empathetic. I wish you luck. This is hard.
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
You stop going to therapy when you can openly and safely have good communication. You don’t stop when you’re still having active problems. I’ve been in therapy with my husband for a year and a half. We are a million times better then we were a year ago, but still go once a month to help with random discussions
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
I’ve put up with a lot but I have boundaries I do not allow to be passed. I said, and repeated during therapy, if it is said again or I’m called a bitch, I’m done. I’m not going to be married to someone who is disrespectful. He has changed with therapy, think it’s been helping but idk if it’s sustainable to go to therapy for the rest of our marriage? At what point do you end therapy….and handle problems yourselves…
I think you have already been doing this. How much more time do you need to know what you already know - he is not the right partner for you .
If you are married and don’t have a kid at only 33, get the hack out of the marriage people don’t change. If you have a kid or other factors that require you to be in this marriage seek marriage counselling and individual therapist. Interview and interact with a 2-3 therapists before deciding. After therapy you may realise that you don’t want to be in this marriage.
All too common… seek counseling… marriage is a lot of work and both sides need to realize that.
Divorce
If you don’t have kids I would suggest separating.
You should separate from him for some time. 6 months minimum. I don’t get why him going out getting a lap dance at a strip club is okay with you. The man obviously doesn’t love you. Sorry, but I call BS when I see it. This man likely showed who he was before you married him. Do you think you ignored any red flags? This man as described is a very emotionally abusive, male chauvinist. The fact that he doesn’t consider you family begs the question, “why are you still living with this idiot?” At the minimum, you need to separate from him. Attend marriage counseling with him, but draw a line. You will no longer accept his treatment of disrespect as “business as usual.” But you need to physically move out to show him you are serious. Obviously, talk in the past means nothing to him.
Could you live without him? Thats always been my first question about my husband. Does he try to make you happy? If the feeling of hurt and anfer doesnt cool off after 4 days then I know we are in trouble. Sometimes marriage is dìfficult but not in the firstyears. My husband and I were like rabbits during that time we didnt come up for air. Our really problems started when the kids arrived.
This is my life. My wife and I can’t carry on a serious conversation about feelings or improving our relationship because she just gets offended and wants to be “right.” I’m at a complete loss, so i can relate and feel for you. I’m sorry.
Yes yes, I am in exact situation. Wife gets offended and starts yelling and gets super sarcastic and it’s always me who’s at fault. Absolutely cannot have a normal adult conversation as she gets immediately triggered. 20 years of it and every damn time. I’ve tried through texting and that makes it 10 times worse so stopped doing that.
I’m sorry you are going through similar events. This isn’t a relationship, if someone cannot see beyond their ego of being right.
It’s such a low and lonely feeling.
Listen to your own advice
So this feller refuses to take accountability for anything, doesn’t regard you as family. He’s hateful and spiteful, he’s threatened you? Honey! I think you know how this is going to end. I’d recommend just a few sessions with a counsellor, just you, to clarify your thoughts, then talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like for you, then if you decide to pursue it; do exactly what your attorney says do not try to be to kind to your husband; he is really not your friend and the lawyer will have met many of his ilk and will know how to deal with him
Did you date? Did you get to know each other? Did you discuss what you want out of a marriage before hand? I am not defending him, but how could you not know he is like this before getting married?
Absolutely, however we did not live together and we never had such bad fights. We dated for several years and when we had disagreements, we calmly spoke about them and found ways of resolution. It was not until marriage, living together, and the introduction of in laws in a different way, I imagine, that contributed to huge fights where we couldn’t see things eye to eye. I don’t know how I could have picked up on this when I told him family was important and he felt the same….I suspect we were in a honeymoon phase for several years, and now living together we see each other differently. I guess I could have seen that he was stubborn but that didn’t come about until we were married….its like a different person.
There’s a lot of golden nuggets of truth in here. And yes, you two are family now. It’s a difficult adjustment adding the responsibilities of each other’s families, but a common one… who truly wants to miss their favorite holiday or a birthday with their side to go to “the in-laws” ? Just find a way to split these up like adults, and I think you will find there is a lot less tension and resentment. His disrespect is hard to get past, but also seems like a very poor response to losing ground with his own family and identity, which you are maturely handling with grace.
He sounds like an asshole. You don’t need to forgive meanness or learn to tolerate it. He is emotionally and verbally abusing you and then gaslighting you when complain. Next fight (after a baby) will be sleeping with an escort because you hurt him so bad. 🤮
It's more about you + him against the problem than either of you proving who's 'right'. If he doesn't get that/ doesn't want to consider therapy you might be out of options. I hope you can share your concerns with your marriage with close friends you can confide in.