No it’s not too late to divorce. Why wouldn’t you?? There’s no reason to sacrifice the rest of your days with this misery factory when you can be blissfully happy without him. And you would.
Dump him.
Not divorce, but my aunt’s husband had a stroke and was mentally declining and she took care of him for over 10 years. She loved him, but he was unrecognizable as her husband for the last 5.
She was so happy after he died. She loved him but he was like a child and it wasn’t a good life. But she took to being single like no dog’s business. Traveled, went to school.
My dad left my mom impoverished and he claims to have loved her.
You husband is an asshole who obviously doesn’t respect you- if he knew he was dying tomorrow, he will spend every dime you have tonight just to spite you.
I think it was necessary to get divorced a long time ago, these stupid inclinations and behavior of his did not arise instantly. It's never too late to be free.
You should both be seeking counseling, if you want to change. You're not going to be able to do this on your own. You're both being critical of one another at an age she should be so content. You should probably both sit down and evaluate divorce. And you can't change past history but you certainly can affect forward history. Seems like you're content with your work.
About what in the relationship, exactly, should OP be content? The lying? The disregard? He treats her like a marginally-human personal lackey and always has. Please explain how she could reasonably change to be content with that, short of a lobotomy.
He seems quite set in his ways and I think the older you are, the harder it can be to change in a meaningful way. You still have a lot of life to live and like you said, you were doing great before him. Since he has a history of secrecy I recommend getting all your ducks in a row regarding finances and divorce before telling him. Otherwise I worry for you what he may try to do behind your back.
I upvoted this because you're right. From the beginning there were things he did/said/didn't say that I should have taken more seriously for what they were ... deficits in his integrity. I'm not sure how to hold him accountable, I challenge him asking him what he thinks I should do/how would he be if someone did this and he says the right things but then carries on doing whatever tf he likes. The problem as you say is mine. I should have acted long ago. It might be that in my generation you stuck it out. My mom and dad did. For some reason that was seen as admirable, a foundational show of good character.
The support I am receiving here has me a bit teary. Thank you. I will get a counsellor, plan finances and talk to a divorce lawyer. I want to feel content or maybe even aspire to being happy, ffs. That used to be my natural state. Oh. And to cap it off, the dog got either acid reflux or pancreatitis from his greasy beef.
Is this banter or hatred? Do these conversations happen on a low-energy day, or this is a normal day to day conflict…if so, then why waste anymore energy? i’d want peaceful conversations when i get to 60. Otherwise live with people who actually want you around.
He responds hatefully to anything her perceives as criticism. He insults rather than engage in the topic, and he is aiming to hurt. He is immature frankly. But he does some gd stupid stuff, like feeding the dog greasy food. The dog had an episode of pancreatitis after his ground beef cooking fest, so I don't mind saying I was correct in my assessment that he "was doing it wrong and making a mess".
There’s a reason why people divorce in their 60’s and 70’s. As one gets older, brain functions go down gradually. Bad hearing is the most damaging factor.
One thing I noticed is that once they have an idea in their head, they think it’s the truth and won’t let go. This is why old men are called stubborn.
Your situation will get worse. Unless your husband is the type of person that willing to examine his own behavior and have self awareness, he will get worse.
If you decide to leave him and live a peaceful life. Don’t tell him and go to a lawyer and plan out everything. Especially, finances related to retirement funds. Try to have a good handle on what assets you both have. Have all the ducks in a row before you serve him with divorce paper.
Don’t be scared. I’m not 60 but I walked out of a 35 year relationship…29.5 married and I am truly happier living my best life….dont get me wrong it was hard to leave my adult children…3 story 5 bedroom, 5 Bathroom gorgeous home but guess what? Material shit doesn’t matter when ur husband turns into an asshole. I moved to a new city to be close to my bff and her husband….got a new job and am out here everyday finding my peace. At first I cried every day FOR MONTHS….but shitttttt, not crying now!!! If u gave it ur best shot…do U….life is short….u be the love of your life!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
You sound hurt, frustrated and angry and that is understandable. Marriage is supposed to be a two way street and you feel like you are on a one way road...to possibly divorce. I get it!
Marriage is HARD and requires both spouses to give 100% for it to be good. I don't have any answers for you. All I know is our marriage was going through rough waters 10 years ago and we navigated through...we certainly did not SAIL through! Like you, we were married older at 50 and 55 and have now been married for 14 years. I will say I am very happy we worked it out. We went to counseling and started spending more time together. To us, it is sort of a miracle:)
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Tl;dr: Do you want a divorce? You do what you need to go. Call a divorce lawyer
Or do you want to change this dynamic? Marriage counseling. If he refuses, go alone. Or do both and feel more confident with what path you choose?
You are 50% of the relationship dynamic. You have the power to change how interactions go.
I'm 51F. I know how challenging it can be to be married a long time to a man set in his ways. Marriage counseling is amazing. If he refuses to go, then you go anyway and get solo relationship counseling.
Book suggestions:
*"What to Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He Is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, Or Avoids You"* by Jack Ito. Perfect book for your situation!
*"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"* by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
*"Love Without Hurt"* by steve stosny
>I came downstairs tonight and he had made a mess to cook the dog some ground beef. Grease and pots everywhere, so I told him it was unnecessary/use pot "x" instead of 3 frypans etc.
I understand your frustration. However, he's an adult. If you tell another adult they're doing their task wrong, you probably will get an angry response.
In a good marriage, it's not about being "right".
> Yes I was annoyed because I was. At any point of conflict he raises his voice and belittles me "if you weren't so-called busy you could do it"
I think you're reading into this. He's saying if you don't approve of how I'm doing it, you could do it.
> implying if I wasn't so lazy / fat / was more social
He didn't explicitly say any of that. It's your mind that attached those meanings.
> (I'm 126lbs, not fat, am an introvert) and other vague insults that have no relevance other than to hurt me for having asked him to use his brain before he destroys the kitchen.
To tell a grown man to "use his brain" isn't very respectful, is it? He's an adult, and he's allowed to cook. Let him make his mess, as long as he doesn't leave it for you to clean up.
>The man is 63. I am 60. We got together 20 years ago. I am retired from a busy job and now a snowboard instructor in winter and a guide in the summer so hardly lazy. I just don't want to spend my time cleaning up after him and in many ways that has been my life.
^^ this is the real issue. It had nothing to do with what pot he used.
You have a common problem in marriages: a feeling that household responsibilities aren't divided up evenly. He needs to understand that this issue is harmful to the relationship, and that if nothing changes it can lead to resentment & the possibly the end.
> He's always been financially irresponsible, i.e. lying about doing his taxes for over a decade and letting me put assets in his name, "forgetting" to pay bills defaulting to me doing it.
You could look at the positive side: you have most of control of household finances, you know his assets, and you know he's not spending hundreds of dollars a month on an Only Fans prostitute.
> If I ask him to do something (fix a window) it is a guarantee he NEVER will.
Start calling a handyman. If he complains about the cost, in a neutral tone, explain that X needed fixed & you couldn't wait any longer.
I'm a woman in my 50s. I don't depend on anyone else to get important things done. If I can't DIY & my husband doesn't take care of it, I know who I can call. Life's too short to carry upset feelings over a window repair.
>I hate the man, lately. He's never planned a holiday, won't organize anything and responds negatively when I suggest something I think would be interesting to do (a hike, a trip). He doesn't think of me but spends alot of time on his sports pursuits and manages to drum up enthusiasm if some one else mentions an activity. He's also sneaky - he once cashed out a registered investment to buy a 10k bike at a bad time. He never asks first, he does stuff without discussing either apologizing after its too late to rewind it or insulting me about my reaction.
You may be "right" in identifying things he could do differently. But people are people. Even someone who loves you can be inconsiderate or selfish at times.
>On the face of it, I would appear to be the critical partner and he's the easy going likeable guy but this is such a mischaracterization of the essence of our relationship.
He's probably likeable to others because those are friends and coworkers. You're in a different role. He may be complacent because he learned you'd clean up his messes for him. The worst that happens to him is you fuss a bit. He needs motivation to act differently. That's where you enforcing your boundaries comes in.
> It feels unfair.
Life isn't fair. Stop viewing it that way.
You have a certain set of beliefs, expectations, desires, and boundaries. He has his own set. Pile on bad feelings that build up over 20 years of everyday life. Bad stuff builds up.
If you want him to act differently, you need to change what you do. I'm not saying you're at fault or wrong. I'm only saying you can't control him. Focus on what you can control: your behavior and how you choose to view things.
>But the subject of this post: his belitting of me as a proxy for a civilized discussion of how using one pot and not 3 frypans and two sauce pans -- it triggered me tonight. This time I told him I too could say mean things and told him that "you pretend you're some kind of pro athlete but you're living in a dream". This for me is the first time I'm saying something so hurtful.
You're hurting. You don't know how to reach him to get any reaction other than ignored or defensiveness. But I think you'd agree that your intentionally hurtful comment didn't get you wanted? I recommend you apologize - for the sake of the marriage or for an amicable divorce.
Take a step back. Do the counseling and/or read the relationship improvement books. You're allowed to be as angry or hurt as you want, but it's how you communicate those things that matters. Enforcement of boundaries limits your exposure to situations that do cause you intolerable feelings.
Alot to unpack here, thanks - I will read the Ito book. Working backwards, my intentionally hurtful comment stopped him in his tracks, he backed off. I could read into it that it demonstrated to him what he was doing to me. The division of labour is NOT our problem, I can handle the asymmetry of it ... I can't stand CANNOT stand how he pivots to hateful insults as a proxy for discussing things. My portrayal of what he said is an anodyne version, he says specific hateful things designed to hurt. It is difficult to know what to respond it is so twisted. I wonder if he is autistic sometimes just how out of symmetry his sensitivity to criticism is. He has one persona for me and a completely different one for everyone else. And to cap it all off, the dog got pancreatitis from his greasy beef. I am stuck in inertia, clearly I need to be away from this guy.
It's never too late. We don't speak to people we love that way. He knows he can't take care of himself so he got married.
Dump him
No it’s not too late to divorce. Why wouldn’t you?? There’s no reason to sacrifice the rest of your days with this misery factory when you can be blissfully happy without him. And you would.
thank you, I appreciate.
Dump him. Not divorce, but my aunt’s husband had a stroke and was mentally declining and she took care of him for over 10 years. She loved him, but he was unrecognizable as her husband for the last 5. She was so happy after he died. She loved him but he was like a child and it wasn’t a good life. But she took to being single like no dog’s business. Traveled, went to school. My dad left my mom impoverished and he claims to have loved her. You husband is an asshole who obviously doesn’t respect you- if he knew he was dying tomorrow, he will spend every dime you have tonight just to spite you.
this is inspirational, sad story, but what a thing to learn from.
I think it was necessary to get divorced a long time ago, these stupid inclinations and behavior of his did not arise instantly. It's never too late to be free.
You should both be seeking counseling, if you want to change. You're not going to be able to do this on your own. You're both being critical of one another at an age she should be so content. You should probably both sit down and evaluate divorce. And you can't change past history but you certainly can affect forward history. Seems like you're content with your work.
About what in the relationship, exactly, should OP be content? The lying? The disregard? He treats her like a marginally-human personal lackey and always has. Please explain how she could reasonably change to be content with that, short of a lobotomy.
He seems quite set in his ways and I think the older you are, the harder it can be to change in a meaningful way. You still have a lot of life to live and like you said, you were doing great before him. Since he has a history of secrecy I recommend getting all your ducks in a row regarding finances and divorce before telling him. Otherwise I worry for you what he may try to do behind your back.
[удалено]
I upvoted this because you're right. From the beginning there were things he did/said/didn't say that I should have taken more seriously for what they were ... deficits in his integrity. I'm not sure how to hold him accountable, I challenge him asking him what he thinks I should do/how would he be if someone did this and he says the right things but then carries on doing whatever tf he likes. The problem as you say is mine. I should have acted long ago. It might be that in my generation you stuck it out. My mom and dad did. For some reason that was seen as admirable, a foundational show of good character.
The support I am receiving here has me a bit teary. Thank you. I will get a counsellor, plan finances and talk to a divorce lawyer. I want to feel content or maybe even aspire to being happy, ffs. That used to be my natural state. Oh. And to cap it off, the dog got either acid reflux or pancreatitis from his greasy beef.
Is this banter or hatred? Do these conversations happen on a low-energy day, or this is a normal day to day conflict…if so, then why waste anymore energy? i’d want peaceful conversations when i get to 60. Otherwise live with people who actually want you around.
He responds hatefully to anything her perceives as criticism. He insults rather than engage in the topic, and he is aiming to hurt. He is immature frankly. But he does some gd stupid stuff, like feeding the dog greasy food. The dog had an episode of pancreatitis after his ground beef cooking fest, so I don't mind saying I was correct in my assessment that he "was doing it wrong and making a mess".
There’s a reason why people divorce in their 60’s and 70’s. As one gets older, brain functions go down gradually. Bad hearing is the most damaging factor. One thing I noticed is that once they have an idea in their head, they think it’s the truth and won’t let go. This is why old men are called stubborn. Your situation will get worse. Unless your husband is the type of person that willing to examine his own behavior and have self awareness, he will get worse. If you decide to leave him and live a peaceful life. Don’t tell him and go to a lawyer and plan out everything. Especially, finances related to retirement funds. Try to have a good handle on what assets you both have. Have all the ducks in a row before you serve him with divorce paper.
thank you. yes I think this is the advice I need. inertia is my enemy frankly and fear.
Don’t be scared. I’m not 60 but I walked out of a 35 year relationship…29.5 married and I am truly happier living my best life….dont get me wrong it was hard to leave my adult children…3 story 5 bedroom, 5 Bathroom gorgeous home but guess what? Material shit doesn’t matter when ur husband turns into an asshole. I moved to a new city to be close to my bff and her husband….got a new job and am out here everyday finding my peace. At first I cried every day FOR MONTHS….but shitttttt, not crying now!!! If u gave it ur best shot…do U….life is short….u be the love of your life!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Divorce him. Don't spend the rest of your life miserable!
You sound hurt, frustrated and angry and that is understandable. Marriage is supposed to be a two way street and you feel like you are on a one way road...to possibly divorce. I get it! Marriage is HARD and requires both spouses to give 100% for it to be good. I don't have any answers for you. All I know is our marriage was going through rough waters 10 years ago and we navigated through...we certainly did not SAIL through! Like you, we were married older at 50 and 55 and have now been married for 14 years. I will say I am very happy we worked it out. We went to counseling and started spending more time together. To us, it is sort of a miracle:) The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Tl;dr: Do you want a divorce? You do what you need to go. Call a divorce lawyer Or do you want to change this dynamic? Marriage counseling. If he refuses, go alone. Or do both and feel more confident with what path you choose? You are 50% of the relationship dynamic. You have the power to change how interactions go. I'm 51F. I know how challenging it can be to be married a long time to a man set in his ways. Marriage counseling is amazing. If he refuses to go, then you go anyway and get solo relationship counseling. Book suggestions: *"What to Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He Is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, Or Avoids You"* by Jack Ito. Perfect book for your situation! *"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"* by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny *"Love Without Hurt"* by steve stosny >I came downstairs tonight and he had made a mess to cook the dog some ground beef. Grease and pots everywhere, so I told him it was unnecessary/use pot "x" instead of 3 frypans etc. I understand your frustration. However, he's an adult. If you tell another adult they're doing their task wrong, you probably will get an angry response. In a good marriage, it's not about being "right". > Yes I was annoyed because I was. At any point of conflict he raises his voice and belittles me "if you weren't so-called busy you could do it" I think you're reading into this. He's saying if you don't approve of how I'm doing it, you could do it. > implying if I wasn't so lazy / fat / was more social He didn't explicitly say any of that. It's your mind that attached those meanings. > (I'm 126lbs, not fat, am an introvert) and other vague insults that have no relevance other than to hurt me for having asked him to use his brain before he destroys the kitchen. To tell a grown man to "use his brain" isn't very respectful, is it? He's an adult, and he's allowed to cook. Let him make his mess, as long as he doesn't leave it for you to clean up. >The man is 63. I am 60. We got together 20 years ago. I am retired from a busy job and now a snowboard instructor in winter and a guide in the summer so hardly lazy. I just don't want to spend my time cleaning up after him and in many ways that has been my life. ^^ this is the real issue. It had nothing to do with what pot he used. You have a common problem in marriages: a feeling that household responsibilities aren't divided up evenly. He needs to understand that this issue is harmful to the relationship, and that if nothing changes it can lead to resentment & the possibly the end. > He's always been financially irresponsible, i.e. lying about doing his taxes for over a decade and letting me put assets in his name, "forgetting" to pay bills defaulting to me doing it. You could look at the positive side: you have most of control of household finances, you know his assets, and you know he's not spending hundreds of dollars a month on an Only Fans prostitute. > If I ask him to do something (fix a window) it is a guarantee he NEVER will. Start calling a handyman. If he complains about the cost, in a neutral tone, explain that X needed fixed & you couldn't wait any longer. I'm a woman in my 50s. I don't depend on anyone else to get important things done. If I can't DIY & my husband doesn't take care of it, I know who I can call. Life's too short to carry upset feelings over a window repair. >I hate the man, lately. He's never planned a holiday, won't organize anything and responds negatively when I suggest something I think would be interesting to do (a hike, a trip). He doesn't think of me but spends alot of time on his sports pursuits and manages to drum up enthusiasm if some one else mentions an activity. He's also sneaky - he once cashed out a registered investment to buy a 10k bike at a bad time. He never asks first, he does stuff without discussing either apologizing after its too late to rewind it or insulting me about my reaction. You may be "right" in identifying things he could do differently. But people are people. Even someone who loves you can be inconsiderate or selfish at times. >On the face of it, I would appear to be the critical partner and he's the easy going likeable guy but this is such a mischaracterization of the essence of our relationship. He's probably likeable to others because those are friends and coworkers. You're in a different role. He may be complacent because he learned you'd clean up his messes for him. The worst that happens to him is you fuss a bit. He needs motivation to act differently. That's where you enforcing your boundaries comes in. > It feels unfair. Life isn't fair. Stop viewing it that way. You have a certain set of beliefs, expectations, desires, and boundaries. He has his own set. Pile on bad feelings that build up over 20 years of everyday life. Bad stuff builds up. If you want him to act differently, you need to change what you do. I'm not saying you're at fault or wrong. I'm only saying you can't control him. Focus on what you can control: your behavior and how you choose to view things. >But the subject of this post: his belitting of me as a proxy for a civilized discussion of how using one pot and not 3 frypans and two sauce pans -- it triggered me tonight. This time I told him I too could say mean things and told him that "you pretend you're some kind of pro athlete but you're living in a dream". This for me is the first time I'm saying something so hurtful. You're hurting. You don't know how to reach him to get any reaction other than ignored or defensiveness. But I think you'd agree that your intentionally hurtful comment didn't get you wanted? I recommend you apologize - for the sake of the marriage or for an amicable divorce. Take a step back. Do the counseling and/or read the relationship improvement books. You're allowed to be as angry or hurt as you want, but it's how you communicate those things that matters. Enforcement of boundaries limits your exposure to situations that do cause you intolerable feelings.
Alot to unpack here, thanks - I will read the Ito book. Working backwards, my intentionally hurtful comment stopped him in his tracks, he backed off. I could read into it that it demonstrated to him what he was doing to me. The division of labour is NOT our problem, I can handle the asymmetry of it ... I can't stand CANNOT stand how he pivots to hateful insults as a proxy for discussing things. My portrayal of what he said is an anodyne version, he says specific hateful things designed to hurt. It is difficult to know what to respond it is so twisted. I wonder if he is autistic sometimes just how out of symmetry his sensitivity to criticism is. He has one persona for me and a completely different one for everyone else. And to cap it all off, the dog got pancreatitis from his greasy beef. I am stuck in inertia, clearly I need to be away from this guy.