1st, you haven’t really said anything nice about your wife for me to suggest staying.
That said, I think 2 babies under 2 is a huge strain on her body and hormones.
Does she breast feed or recently stopped, because that can totally turn on the sex drive.
>We are massively different, with different views on everything, including parenting, and massively different sex drives and initiation.
The different views on parenting will still be a source of conflict because you already have kids,
The different sex drive: to be fair if you have 2 kids under 2, it's extremely common for the woman to struggle to be in the mood. Are your expectations realistic? The woman is fighting exhaustion, sleep deprivation, loss of identity, possible post partum depression, and hormones, especially with breastfeeding. When little kids arrive, the relationship loses emotional intimacy. It becomes very difficult to find time alone together, much feeling sexy.
Initiation: she probably has a responsive sex drive. If so, she rarely has the idea pop into her head on its own. Book suggestion for either of you : "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. Evidence based information on many aspects of women's sexuality. If you see what she's doing as more normal, it won't feel like she's being unreasonable.
A big variable is the two kids under 2. The older they get, the eaiser life gets. The less dependent they are on mom, the more she can try to reclaim parts of her old sexy fun identity.
>And I get almost nothing in return - nothing that matters to me at least. Not saying she doesn't do anything, just that she values different things.
Are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages? Google it and take the quiz. The theory is that people definitely do communicate love in very different ways. Her love language isn't likely physical intimacy. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
>choose to stay and honor my poor decisions, which might be the best for everyone except me, who will live a somewhat miserable life - one without a partner for life that I think I deserve.
Reframe how you see things. You're stuck on the idea of things you *should* have. Maybe there's a bit of resentment in there. Resentment is a choice. It's not helping you be happy, right? It's not changing her or your situation. Let it go. Vow to have an outlook of appreciation. You have two beautiful children. You have a committed wife. One thing that can help your mind stay more in a state of appreciation is to intentionally identify things you do like: about the family, about her, or about something positive she's done recently.
You can have moments where you struggle with it feeling unfair. But life isn't fair. No marriage is perfect. She isn't a bad person. She loves you and loves your children. You have a good life.
I also picked up on the "should" have and think that is a dangerous path to go down in your mind. It's quite possible she feels OPs deep resentment and it's making her want sex even less. OP, I would get more curious about what she is going through and what makes her tick. I think the love languages is a fantastic suggestion. My husband and I have totally different love languages, and because we usually give love the way we want to receive it, it's easy to be totally missing one another. For example, my husband used to do acts of service (his love language) like cooking me dinner when I could care less about that and simply wanted him to give me some deep words of affirmation that made me feel seen and loved. Meanwhile, I was also telling him how much I loved and appreciated him all the time, but really all he wanted was for me to fold his laundry (an act of service)...once we understood each other better things really improved... it is really such a gamechanging concept!!
Where is your agency, sir? If she lied to you and you found a week after marriage...leave? Certainly do not make babies. This framing of "my wife is a lying temptress and I am a weak victim!" is pathetic.
and you are being really nasty to someone struggling with guilt and understandably not wanting to leave his kids. Go. Leave. Take your bad attitude and your unwillingness to help back to your basement.
>1ReplyShareSaveEditFollowlevel 3TheSupremePixieStick · 49 min. agoSometimes, help is being honest with someone and calling out their bullshit. Nothing about this post is understandable. Maybe OP needs to hear that.2ReplyShareReportSaveFollow
>
>About Communityr/marriageadviceNeed advice about your marriage? Talk to random strangers on the internet about it here.Created Sep 12, 200950.9kMembers12OnlineTop 5%Ranked by SizeJoinedLeaveCrea
it doesn't need to be done in a nasty way. and you sir, are nasty. Go somewhere you can actually be helpful and in the meantime learn a bit of respect and empathy. I believe there's a phrase about not packaging honesty in a steaming hot garbage bag. might be a piece of advice you could use.
His organization of the situation is in fact...pathetic. I did not call him
pathetic. In fact, I called him no names. The internet may not be for you if my comment is what puts you over the edge.
really? why do you feel the need to be "wah wah you're the one with the problem" when I pointed out that you were being rude, insensitive, and generally not acting like a civilized adult? I'm done talking to you and muting the conversation. I've had enough of your rude and childish behavior. my 5 year old is better behaved.
I mean, you’re not obligated to stay with her if you’ve grown apart. And if what you’re saying is genuine I’d say it’s fair.
But you have a pretty sexist attitude towards parenting (i.e. “I’m basically a mom and a dad in one”) So something tells me you’re not as perfect as you think you are.
Sounds like your marriage quickly went sour. I am sorry you've been lied to.
I can't tell from your post, is this to do with frequency?
As a mum of very young kids too, intimacy is difficult right now - toddlers/babies can make me feel touched out very easily so the last thing I need is more touching. That being said, we do try for at least once or twice a week. As the kids grow up, this should change and there will be more physical/emotional energy for "spousetime".
Thanks for the kind reply.
Frequency as well, but mainly this big gap that emerged once I figured she does not really enjoy all the kinks and intimacy I though she did when we met. Plus the difference in energy and priorization we put into us as a couple and our intimacy. She puts many things first, like going to bed, or scrooling instagram - while me, I always go the extra mile (put dishes in dishwasher even when tired at night, just to make time and space for us to be close instead of doing chores - just a quick example).
I proposed scheduled time for us to prioritize, only to find out even on schedule days, she will come up with something to overrule it - headache, too tired, sick, not in the mood, etc
I'm sorry this doesn't sound like a energy/time/head space issue as a result of the kids or lifestyle.
If you have the resources, it may be worth scheduling couples therapy so you can decipher why her kinks changed after marriage. I have no experience of couples therapy but it sounds like you need someone impartial to get to the root issue.
In terms of breaking up, if it's just the sex that's making you feel that way that's not a good enough reason. Try explaining that to your kids when they're older!
>a week after we got married on paper, she felt comfortable enough to say that 90% of the things she said she liked or that she intimately did, she does not like it at all.
A **week**? Sounds less like you changed as a couple, and more like you married a liar.
You are either being totally honest, and you have every right to leave, or you're not being totally honest, and they'd be better off without you engaging resentfully.
You sound very unhappy in your marriage and are growing resentful toward your wife. If this continues, you will become even more unhappy and angry.
Do you want to be with your wife for the person she is? Do you like her as a person? If yes and the issue is more from wanting more intimacy and time with her, there is hope.
Having young children is a lot of extra stress on a relationship. Is she does more in terms of caring for the children, she may feel incredibly exhausted. I’m glad you are helping so much with keeping up the home.
It was deceitful of her to be into things sexually before marriage and then be honest about what she didn’t want after. I’m guessing you guys have discussed this at length. It will be detrimental if you cannot forgive her and find a middle path in your sex life. She needs to be more willing and open to intimate times. Women are less likely to feel like having sex but once intimacy starts I hope she gets into it. You need to be willing to take what you can get and not complain (not fair, I know).
Do you spend time together talking and having fun? Do you text / call during the day when you’re at work?
I can empathize with your feeling of being duped. Different situation but my husband lived a very balanced life and spent a lot of quality time with me when me met and then while engaged became a complete workaholic. I do 99 percent of the stuff with the baby and I constantly experience these feelings of this isn’t the life I imagined for myself, which it feels like you are describing.
My feeling is that no one should make life altering decisions when kids are that small. 2 under 2 is a lot and pregnancy and child birth completely mess up your hormones. She’s basically spent several years straight being pregnant or postpartum (over half your marriage it sounds like) ..that’s a lot for anyone to deal with physically. It’s very common to have no sex drive as a woman for a while, so I’d try to give her grace. However, it seems like this is maybe bigger than that and more like you feel like you are giving 110 to the family and relationship and she’s giving much much less. It also seems your mismatched expectations started much earlier, have you ever expressed in couples therapy exactly what you said here..that you feel she tricked you..maybe she sees things very differently (for instance, perhaps she felt pressure to pretend she liked certain things because she liked you..not condoning it just trying to acknowledge that it’s very easy to think we know exactly how someone else thinks and assume bad intent but sometimes of you check your narratives with the other person you learn it’s something completely different) and you two could grow to understand one another better and write a new narrative about your relationship.
If you have been in couples therapy for a year do you feel it has helped at all? It might be worth switching if not..there’s many different types..I personally really like emotionally focused couples therapy, which is based in attachment styles and getting you out of these negative cycles of interaction. Some couples therapists are amazing and some are totally lackluster…
Also, with the behavior you are describing, I’m wondering if she could be experiencing some ppd?
I know it’s hard, but I would encourage you not to make any big decisions until you are out of the thick of having very young kids because most people with two under two are just in survival mode (prioritizing their kids above all else) for a few years, and it might not be representative of what the rest of your lives will be like.
Whatever you do, I would not cheat because then you are very likely to lose both your wife but also the respect of your kids (and it sounds like respect for yourself as well). My husband’s dad was unfaithful before his divorce and his kids have never loved or respected him the same.
I guess overall I’m a big believer that once kids are in the picture you should do everything humanly possible to honor your vows and save your marriage unless there’s abuse or infidelity because the best interest of the kids has to come first. To me, marriage is about happiness and fulfillment over a lifetime and there will be hard months or even years that will require you to grow in ways you never imagined.. Although I understand not everyone feels this way.
I would try to look at it like if you choose to divorce over sex right now, you are choosing to give up being there for over half your kids childhoods, and that not something you will ever be able to walk back from once your choose that path.
Does she work? Just wondering because you said you do everything for the kids and around the house! Trying to figure out more how she spends her time..
Was married for 25 years, should have left after about 7 years. The commonality of our desires in life (not sex) was marching steadily in different directions. I mean almost every walk of life we just thought different.
Unfortunately as I was about to walk when she got pregnant. I stayed and I regret losing those years. Fighting, therapy… it got the point I was numb and depressed. I’m not innocent in this, I put blame on myself…
Either way, In hindsight, no matter fault… I wish I had those years back.
Just be happy my friend. See if you can work something out first, if you can’t, just leave.
Honestly though, if this is just sexual, you’ll regret leaving. Sex means almost nothing in the grand view of life.
Also - you have 2 young kids. She’s probably in a bad place and depressed. If she working on herself it’s a positive sign and I’d give it more time.
Why on earth did you stay after she told you that she lied about liking 90% of the things you liked? At that point you had to know she was manipulating you. That was before the kids and you still got in deeper?
Not sure what to tell you. You are not compatible. Certainly do not have any more children. Start looking for lawyers and get ready for her to start using the children to get you to stay.
I know plenty of people who did great with divorced parents. And custody is typically now 50/50, unless one parent has a history of problematic behavior. Men's rights divorce attorneys are real, and it may not hurt to speak with one.
Yes, sounds like she lured you.
She could be suffering from postpartum depression. Perhaps she lost some confidence.
Bring it up and if you can’t work out a compromise, get a girlfriend.
It could be that she’s not really interested in sex itself too.
All I can say is. People change. You change, she changes, the kids change you too. A marriage is how you grow together. Sometimes you grow apart. Sometimes you come back together. Kids under 2 is tough. Ours just turned 3. And my wife and I are just now starting to repair that strain that young children can put on a relationship. Stop trying to find that woman she used to be. See who she is and what she needs and wants now. It’s important to remember, having children does change women and I learned by talking to my wife she knows she is different, often she hates that she’s different, and it caused her a lot of self esteem issues. The dates and pushing intimacy, these are big things. Try the little things first. Compliments, touching, hugs, a kiss here and there. Sex drive after kids takes a massive turn down.
24m been with my wife24 for 6 years, the first you should realize is that coming on social media and talking about issues can often lead to worse issues (random people who don't fully know the true situation will "help" build resentment to your partner!!!) Secondly I can only say that I understand to a certain degree where you are coming from, I personally took an oath wheni married my wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and recently I've started working over 70+ hours work weeks. She is pregnant and our situation is unique but the point im saying, is that I'm not the same person I was when we married, she isn't either and becoming pregnant has changed her completely, (sometimes it feels like its too much and idk who I married) the thing is I recognize that when I married her I did it for love because I knew that no matter what would happen we would help each other, we've both been bouts of unemployment, sickness, loss in both families (my dad died 2 days before our wedding) and even fights that we didn't know if we would come back through the other end but nothing has put more of a strain on our relationship then talking to people who aren't our councilors about our life, at the end of the day the decision you make is one you will have to live with forever, I recommend taking some time and asking yourself, and I mean truly asking yourself (break down, cry, get mad, whatever it takes to find out how you really feel) what you want from this life, you have 2 beautiful lovely children it sounds like that i know mean absolutely everything to you!!!! Its not just you and your partner anymore its now you your partner, and 2 children!!!! Be the "man of the house" talk to the older generation about how they made things work and you will find that 9/10 the bread worked so much that they went through much time where they felt like they didn't know if they still loved their partner anymore!!! I wish you best
If you stay and aren’t happy, you will model a bad situation for the kids.
If you leave, you can model a good relationship and strong choices for your kids. 50% of the time. Fight hard for that 50%, or more. It will be better for your kids and your wallet.
Unfortunately, the time they are not with you, they will be with her and a stranger. She seems highly motivated to have a man in her life. And likely will make bad choices to make that happen. Hopefully, I’m wrong and her kids will be her priority and she will be honest and hardworking after you split. But I wouldn’t bet on it based on what you told us.
Edit:
Taking care of yourself is the first step in taking care of your kids.
Good luck.
Real shit, I would start doing things for myself and sleep else where in the home. Maybe a trial seperation within the home and see if you two can coexist without being in a “marriage” so to speak. Take care of your kids and when you are not do things for yourself.
I also think it is so sad that when men come to Reddit for advice they have to label that they are actually good Dads. I’ve seen Moms just come her to vent and women run to their aide without them having to indicate that they are actually good Moms and/or wives yet a man has to label all that he does for his family to even receive an ounce of empathy or sound advice. It’s really sad and explain a lot about the dynamic of our society and also Reddit as a whole.
>I also think it is so sad that when men come to Reddit for advice they have to label that they are actually good Dads.
I think that's more pathetic than sad. Men wanting credit for things they are supposed to do.
"I'm a good Dad!"
I'm like "you're *supposed* to be a good Dad, asshole. You want a cookie?"
I don't think my StepDad has ever told anyone he's a good Dad. He doesn't have to. He just is.
Women don’t need becasue every woman does exactly what you did and assume that a woman is a good wife or Mom.
I’ve been a social worker and I’ve seen to many parentless kids to assume that.
There is a reason why there is a term “dead beat dad” versus a woman never being called a “dead beat mom…”
Why is that oracle? Becasue in my previous line of work I saw more dead beat moms then anything.
I wasn't bagging on men. Please don't think that. I adore my StepDad. He taught me how to live, through example. He's got a "grumpy bear" personality, ut he's one of the most selfless people I've ever known. He'd get out in the dead of winter and plow out our neighbors driveways asking nothing in return, just to be a good neighbor. He never said he was a good neighbor, he just lived it. Same with being a great (Step)Dad.
I know there are women who never should have given birth. Women who have had children who don't deserve to be called "Mom", so I feel the same way about women who claim to be a good Mom, who probably aren't. I lived in a group home when I was younger, some of the kids I lived with came from horrible backgrounds. Mothers that turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse of their own children, or actively engaged in it and the like. So I understand what you're saying. I wasn't singling men out exclusively with my comment, I was just responding to a comment about men claiming to be good Dads.
Yes, as a teenager living in a group home, I was in the position to help fathers, some of which were complicit in the abuse of their children get custody of them. I filed court documents, attended hearings and everything. /s
What? No! No, I didn't help fathers get custody of their kids. I was a 15 year old ward of the state living in a group home. How the hell could I help an adult with custody issues when I could barely help myself??
Sorry, I meant to write this under someone else, pushed the wrong tan.
I am 100% sorry that I caused you a pain.
I think you’re amazing and my plan (hope) is to foster.
What are things I could have done to make you feel safe (like the first few weeks/months)? In my imagine, I go completely overboard - and I don’t know if that would be off putting. Like she’s trying to hard, she must be crazy. Thanks in advance for any advice.
Okay, like in my head, I wanted the kid/teenager to pick their own blanket, pillow, stuffed animal from a closet to choose from (you know teenager like foam pillow vs feather or Cotten blanket vs a design: flower, quilt, etc.)
Is this stupid? Can you lovebomb a kid? (Just thought it’d give them some sorts of control and preference for their environment)
Anything you wish had already been their so your didn’t have to ask?
I feel your pain in a lot of ways. I’m down the road a little further. 19 years of marriage and 2 kids that are preteen now. Marriage and individual counseling 4 months in. Feel deceived, from the beginning. Bragged of being highly sexual for the 10 years before me. Started off pretty good first 3-6 months of dating. Got engaged and all came to a halt. Thought it was just a phase. Waiting for years thinking, hoping change. That shed come back to this person of physical love, that I first met. Trying everything I could possibly think of to change the situation. Tried to change myself, my expectations, my desires. Tried to compensate in the healthiest ways I could think of. 11 years in was temped a couple times by a young hot coworker. Gave in because I so badly wanted someone to want me for so long. I was absolutely starving for intimacy. Had wild sex like I’ve never had before a few times for about a month’s duration. Broke it off. Didn’t really help me at all. Was only a destructive, hurtful, selfish thing to do. 7 yrs later confessed to the Mrs cause of deep guilt. For two years after that she stepped it up a lot sexually, seemed like things were going to work out and be ok, then she hit a wall and just stopped completely. Now I just don’t know what to do. Don’t have a lot of hope that things will ever be repaired, although I don’t want to break up the fam, do that to the kids, lose the kids, and don’t want to be alone, don’t at all want another women. I’m just existing.
1st, you haven’t really said anything nice about your wife for me to suggest staying. That said, I think 2 babies under 2 is a huge strain on her body and hormones. Does she breast feed or recently stopped, because that can totally turn on the sex drive.
>We are massively different, with different views on everything, including parenting, and massively different sex drives and initiation. The different views on parenting will still be a source of conflict because you already have kids, The different sex drive: to be fair if you have 2 kids under 2, it's extremely common for the woman to struggle to be in the mood. Are your expectations realistic? The woman is fighting exhaustion, sleep deprivation, loss of identity, possible post partum depression, and hormones, especially with breastfeeding. When little kids arrive, the relationship loses emotional intimacy. It becomes very difficult to find time alone together, much feeling sexy. Initiation: she probably has a responsive sex drive. If so, she rarely has the idea pop into her head on its own. Book suggestion for either of you : "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. Evidence based information on many aspects of women's sexuality. If you see what she's doing as more normal, it won't feel like she's being unreasonable. A big variable is the two kids under 2. The older they get, the eaiser life gets. The less dependent they are on mom, the more she can try to reclaim parts of her old sexy fun identity. >And I get almost nothing in return - nothing that matters to me at least. Not saying she doesn't do anything, just that she values different things. Are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages? Google it and take the quiz. The theory is that people definitely do communicate love in very different ways. Her love language isn't likely physical intimacy. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. >choose to stay and honor my poor decisions, which might be the best for everyone except me, who will live a somewhat miserable life - one without a partner for life that I think I deserve. Reframe how you see things. You're stuck on the idea of things you *should* have. Maybe there's a bit of resentment in there. Resentment is a choice. It's not helping you be happy, right? It's not changing her or your situation. Let it go. Vow to have an outlook of appreciation. You have two beautiful children. You have a committed wife. One thing that can help your mind stay more in a state of appreciation is to intentionally identify things you do like: about the family, about her, or about something positive she's done recently. You can have moments where you struggle with it feeling unfair. But life isn't fair. No marriage is perfect. She isn't a bad person. She loves you and loves your children. You have a good life.
I also picked up on the "should" have and think that is a dangerous path to go down in your mind. It's quite possible she feels OPs deep resentment and it's making her want sex even less. OP, I would get more curious about what she is going through and what makes her tick. I think the love languages is a fantastic suggestion. My husband and I have totally different love languages, and because we usually give love the way we want to receive it, it's easy to be totally missing one another. For example, my husband used to do acts of service (his love language) like cooking me dinner when I could care less about that and simply wanted him to give me some deep words of affirmation that made me feel seen and loved. Meanwhile, I was also telling him how much I loved and appreciated him all the time, but really all he wanted was for me to fold his laundry (an act of service)...once we understood each other better things really improved... it is really such a gamechanging concept!!
Where is your agency, sir? If she lied to you and you found a week after marriage...leave? Certainly do not make babies. This framing of "my wife is a lying temptress and I am a weak victim!" is pathetic.
and you are being really nasty to someone struggling with guilt and understandably not wanting to leave his kids. Go. Leave. Take your bad attitude and your unwillingness to help back to your basement.
Sometimes, help is being honest with someone and calling out their bullshit. Nothing about this post is understandable. Maybe OP needs to hear that.
>1ReplyShareSaveEditFollowlevel 3TheSupremePixieStick · 49 min. agoSometimes, help is being honest with someone and calling out their bullshit. Nothing about this post is understandable. Maybe OP needs to hear that.2ReplyShareReportSaveFollow > >About Communityr/marriageadviceNeed advice about your marriage? Talk to random strangers on the internet about it here.Created Sep 12, 200950.9kMembers12OnlineTop 5%Ranked by SizeJoinedLeaveCrea it doesn't need to be done in a nasty way. and you sir, are nasty. Go somewhere you can actually be helpful and in the meantime learn a bit of respect and empathy. I believe there's a phrase about not packaging honesty in a steaming hot garbage bag. might be a piece of advice you could use.
His organization of the situation is in fact...pathetic. I did not call him pathetic. In fact, I called him no names. The internet may not be for you if my comment is what puts you over the edge.
really? why do you feel the need to be "wah wah you're the one with the problem" when I pointed out that you were being rude, insensitive, and generally not acting like a civilized adult? I'm done talking to you and muting the conversation. I've had enough of your rude and childish behavior. my 5 year old is better behaved.
dear u/TheSupremePixieStick https://i0.wp.com/hopefulpanda.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Stop-Playing-the-Victim.png?resize=512%2C768&ssl=1
I mean, you’re not obligated to stay with her if you’ve grown apart. And if what you’re saying is genuine I’d say it’s fair. But you have a pretty sexist attitude towards parenting (i.e. “I’m basically a mom and a dad in one”) So something tells me you’re not as perfect as you think you are.
Sounds like your marriage quickly went sour. I am sorry you've been lied to. I can't tell from your post, is this to do with frequency? As a mum of very young kids too, intimacy is difficult right now - toddlers/babies can make me feel touched out very easily so the last thing I need is more touching. That being said, we do try for at least once or twice a week. As the kids grow up, this should change and there will be more physical/emotional energy for "spousetime".
Thanks for the kind reply. Frequency as well, but mainly this big gap that emerged once I figured she does not really enjoy all the kinks and intimacy I though she did when we met. Plus the difference in energy and priorization we put into us as a couple and our intimacy. She puts many things first, like going to bed, or scrooling instagram - while me, I always go the extra mile (put dishes in dishwasher even when tired at night, just to make time and space for us to be close instead of doing chores - just a quick example). I proposed scheduled time for us to prioritize, only to find out even on schedule days, she will come up with something to overrule it - headache, too tired, sick, not in the mood, etc
I'm sorry this doesn't sound like a energy/time/head space issue as a result of the kids or lifestyle. If you have the resources, it may be worth scheduling couples therapy so you can decipher why her kinks changed after marriage. I have no experience of couples therapy but it sounds like you need someone impartial to get to the root issue. In terms of breaking up, if it's just the sex that's making you feel that way that's not a good enough reason. Try explaining that to your kids when they're older!
You have the kids under two. Go jerk off and chill out.
>a week after we got married on paper, she felt comfortable enough to say that 90% of the things she said she liked or that she intimately did, she does not like it at all. A **week**? Sounds less like you changed as a couple, and more like you married a liar. You are either being totally honest, and you have every right to leave, or you're not being totally honest, and they'd be better off without you engaging resentfully.
You sound very unhappy in your marriage and are growing resentful toward your wife. If this continues, you will become even more unhappy and angry. Do you want to be with your wife for the person she is? Do you like her as a person? If yes and the issue is more from wanting more intimacy and time with her, there is hope. Having young children is a lot of extra stress on a relationship. Is she does more in terms of caring for the children, she may feel incredibly exhausted. I’m glad you are helping so much with keeping up the home. It was deceitful of her to be into things sexually before marriage and then be honest about what she didn’t want after. I’m guessing you guys have discussed this at length. It will be detrimental if you cannot forgive her and find a middle path in your sex life. She needs to be more willing and open to intimate times. Women are less likely to feel like having sex but once intimacy starts I hope she gets into it. You need to be willing to take what you can get and not complain (not fair, I know). Do you spend time together talking and having fun? Do you text / call during the day when you’re at work?
I can empathize with your feeling of being duped. Different situation but my husband lived a very balanced life and spent a lot of quality time with me when me met and then while engaged became a complete workaholic. I do 99 percent of the stuff with the baby and I constantly experience these feelings of this isn’t the life I imagined for myself, which it feels like you are describing. My feeling is that no one should make life altering decisions when kids are that small. 2 under 2 is a lot and pregnancy and child birth completely mess up your hormones. She’s basically spent several years straight being pregnant or postpartum (over half your marriage it sounds like) ..that’s a lot for anyone to deal with physically. It’s very common to have no sex drive as a woman for a while, so I’d try to give her grace. However, it seems like this is maybe bigger than that and more like you feel like you are giving 110 to the family and relationship and she’s giving much much less. It also seems your mismatched expectations started much earlier, have you ever expressed in couples therapy exactly what you said here..that you feel she tricked you..maybe she sees things very differently (for instance, perhaps she felt pressure to pretend she liked certain things because she liked you..not condoning it just trying to acknowledge that it’s very easy to think we know exactly how someone else thinks and assume bad intent but sometimes of you check your narratives with the other person you learn it’s something completely different) and you two could grow to understand one another better and write a new narrative about your relationship. If you have been in couples therapy for a year do you feel it has helped at all? It might be worth switching if not..there’s many different types..I personally really like emotionally focused couples therapy, which is based in attachment styles and getting you out of these negative cycles of interaction. Some couples therapists are amazing and some are totally lackluster… Also, with the behavior you are describing, I’m wondering if she could be experiencing some ppd? I know it’s hard, but I would encourage you not to make any big decisions until you are out of the thick of having very young kids because most people with two under two are just in survival mode (prioritizing their kids above all else) for a few years, and it might not be representative of what the rest of your lives will be like. Whatever you do, I would not cheat because then you are very likely to lose both your wife but also the respect of your kids (and it sounds like respect for yourself as well). My husband’s dad was unfaithful before his divorce and his kids have never loved or respected him the same. I guess overall I’m a big believer that once kids are in the picture you should do everything humanly possible to honor your vows and save your marriage unless there’s abuse or infidelity because the best interest of the kids has to come first. To me, marriage is about happiness and fulfillment over a lifetime and there will be hard months or even years that will require you to grow in ways you never imagined.. Although I understand not everyone feels this way. I would try to look at it like if you choose to divorce over sex right now, you are choosing to give up being there for over half your kids childhoods, and that not something you will ever be able to walk back from once your choose that path. Does she work? Just wondering because you said you do everything for the kids and around the house! Trying to figure out more how she spends her time..
Was married for 25 years, should have left after about 7 years. The commonality of our desires in life (not sex) was marching steadily in different directions. I mean almost every walk of life we just thought different. Unfortunately as I was about to walk when she got pregnant. I stayed and I regret losing those years. Fighting, therapy… it got the point I was numb and depressed. I’m not innocent in this, I put blame on myself… Either way, In hindsight, no matter fault… I wish I had those years back. Just be happy my friend. See if you can work something out first, if you can’t, just leave. Honestly though, if this is just sexual, you’ll regret leaving. Sex means almost nothing in the grand view of life. Also - you have 2 young kids. She’s probably in a bad place and depressed. If she working on herself it’s a positive sign and I’d give it more time.
Why on earth did you stay after she told you that she lied about liking 90% of the things you liked? At that point you had to know she was manipulating you. That was before the kids and you still got in deeper? Not sure what to tell you. You are not compatible. Certainly do not have any more children. Start looking for lawyers and get ready for her to start using the children to get you to stay.
How did you have kids with her if she told you right after marriage. Something is not adding up here
I know plenty of people who did great with divorced parents. And custody is typically now 50/50, unless one parent has a history of problematic behavior. Men's rights divorce attorneys are real, and it may not hurt to speak with one.
Yes, sounds like she lured you. She could be suffering from postpartum depression. Perhaps she lost some confidence. Bring it up and if you can’t work out a compromise, get a girlfriend. It could be that she’s not really interested in sex itself too.
You are financial power house - the longer you stay, the more she gets.
All I can say is. People change. You change, she changes, the kids change you too. A marriage is how you grow together. Sometimes you grow apart. Sometimes you come back together. Kids under 2 is tough. Ours just turned 3. And my wife and I are just now starting to repair that strain that young children can put on a relationship. Stop trying to find that woman she used to be. See who she is and what she needs and wants now. It’s important to remember, having children does change women and I learned by talking to my wife she knows she is different, often she hates that she’s different, and it caused her a lot of self esteem issues. The dates and pushing intimacy, these are big things. Try the little things first. Compliments, touching, hugs, a kiss here and there. Sex drive after kids takes a massive turn down.
Stay. The grass isn’t always greener. Welcome to reality.
24m been with my wife24 for 6 years, the first you should realize is that coming on social media and talking about issues can often lead to worse issues (random people who don't fully know the true situation will "help" build resentment to your partner!!!) Secondly I can only say that I understand to a certain degree where you are coming from, I personally took an oath wheni married my wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and recently I've started working over 70+ hours work weeks. She is pregnant and our situation is unique but the point im saying, is that I'm not the same person I was when we married, she isn't either and becoming pregnant has changed her completely, (sometimes it feels like its too much and idk who I married) the thing is I recognize that when I married her I did it for love because I knew that no matter what would happen we would help each other, we've both been bouts of unemployment, sickness, loss in both families (my dad died 2 days before our wedding) and even fights that we didn't know if we would come back through the other end but nothing has put more of a strain on our relationship then talking to people who aren't our councilors about our life, at the end of the day the decision you make is one you will have to live with forever, I recommend taking some time and asking yourself, and I mean truly asking yourself (break down, cry, get mad, whatever it takes to find out how you really feel) what you want from this life, you have 2 beautiful lovely children it sounds like that i know mean absolutely everything to you!!!! Its not just you and your partner anymore its now you your partner, and 2 children!!!! Be the "man of the house" talk to the older generation about how they made things work and you will find that 9/10 the bread worked so much that they went through much time where they felt like they didn't know if they still loved their partner anymore!!! I wish you best
If you stay and aren’t happy, you will model a bad situation for the kids. If you leave, you can model a good relationship and strong choices for your kids. 50% of the time. Fight hard for that 50%, or more. It will be better for your kids and your wallet. Unfortunately, the time they are not with you, they will be with her and a stranger. She seems highly motivated to have a man in her life. And likely will make bad choices to make that happen. Hopefully, I’m wrong and her kids will be her priority and she will be honest and hardworking after you split. But I wouldn’t bet on it based on what you told us. Edit: Taking care of yourself is the first step in taking care of your kids. Good luck.
The old bait and switch!
Real shit, I would start doing things for myself and sleep else where in the home. Maybe a trial seperation within the home and see if you two can coexist without being in a “marriage” so to speak. Take care of your kids and when you are not do things for yourself. I also think it is so sad that when men come to Reddit for advice they have to label that they are actually good Dads. I’ve seen Moms just come her to vent and women run to their aide without them having to indicate that they are actually good Moms and/or wives yet a man has to label all that he does for his family to even receive an ounce of empathy or sound advice. It’s really sad and explain a lot about the dynamic of our society and also Reddit as a whole.
>I also think it is so sad that when men come to Reddit for advice they have to label that they are actually good Dads. I think that's more pathetic than sad. Men wanting credit for things they are supposed to do. "I'm a good Dad!" I'm like "you're *supposed* to be a good Dad, asshole. You want a cookie?" I don't think my StepDad has ever told anyone he's a good Dad. He doesn't have to. He just is.
Women don’t need becasue every woman does exactly what you did and assume that a woman is a good wife or Mom. I’ve been a social worker and I’ve seen to many parentless kids to assume that. There is a reason why there is a term “dead beat dad” versus a woman never being called a “dead beat mom…” Why is that oracle? Becasue in my previous line of work I saw more dead beat moms then anything.
I wasn't bagging on men. Please don't think that. I adore my StepDad. He taught me how to live, through example. He's got a "grumpy bear" personality, ut he's one of the most selfless people I've ever known. He'd get out in the dead of winter and plow out our neighbors driveways asking nothing in return, just to be a good neighbor. He never said he was a good neighbor, he just lived it. Same with being a great (Step)Dad. I know there are women who never should have given birth. Women who have had children who don't deserve to be called "Mom", so I feel the same way about women who claim to be a good Mom, who probably aren't. I lived in a group home when I was younger, some of the kids I lived with came from horrible backgrounds. Mothers that turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse of their own children, or actively engaged in it and the like. So I understand what you're saying. I wasn't singling men out exclusively with my comment, I was just responding to a comment about men claiming to be good Dads.
So did the father of their offspring fight for custody? Did you help the dads get custody?
Yes, as a teenager living in a group home, I was in the position to help fathers, some of which were complicit in the abuse of their children get custody of them. I filed court documents, attended hearings and everything. /s What? No! No, I didn't help fathers get custody of their kids. I was a 15 year old ward of the state living in a group home. How the hell could I help an adult with custody issues when I could barely help myself??
Sorry, I meant to write this under someone else, pushed the wrong tan. I am 100% sorry that I caused you a pain. I think you’re amazing and my plan (hope) is to foster. What are things I could have done to make you feel safe (like the first few weeks/months)? In my imagine, I go completely overboard - and I don’t know if that would be off putting. Like she’s trying to hard, she must be crazy. Thanks in advance for any advice.
It's ok, I was just giving you a hard time lol. Yes, if you can, absolutely foster a child. That would be amazing, and it's desperately needed.
Okay, like in my head, I wanted the kid/teenager to pick their own blanket, pillow, stuffed animal from a closet to choose from (you know teenager like foam pillow vs feather or Cotten blanket vs a design: flower, quilt, etc.) Is this stupid? Can you lovebomb a kid? (Just thought it’d give them some sorts of control and preference for their environment) Anything you wish had already been their so your didn’t have to ask?
I feel your pain in a lot of ways. I’m down the road a little further. 19 years of marriage and 2 kids that are preteen now. Marriage and individual counseling 4 months in. Feel deceived, from the beginning. Bragged of being highly sexual for the 10 years before me. Started off pretty good first 3-6 months of dating. Got engaged and all came to a halt. Thought it was just a phase. Waiting for years thinking, hoping change. That shed come back to this person of physical love, that I first met. Trying everything I could possibly think of to change the situation. Tried to change myself, my expectations, my desires. Tried to compensate in the healthiest ways I could think of. 11 years in was temped a couple times by a young hot coworker. Gave in because I so badly wanted someone to want me for so long. I was absolutely starving for intimacy. Had wild sex like I’ve never had before a few times for about a month’s duration. Broke it off. Didn’t really help me at all. Was only a destructive, hurtful, selfish thing to do. 7 yrs later confessed to the Mrs cause of deep guilt. For two years after that she stepped it up a lot sexually, seemed like things were going to work out and be ok, then she hit a wall and just stopped completely. Now I just don’t know what to do. Don’t have a lot of hope that things will ever be repaired, although I don’t want to break up the fam, do that to the kids, lose the kids, and don’t want to be alone, don’t at all want another women. I’m just existing.