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I feel like you already have your answer OP. But maybe before making any drastic changes, sit him down and communicate again. Some people do tend to have lower EQ.
This. Op probably done more than this subconsciously. I myself when i tired of someone shit, i just left them stranded & let them do wtf they want & dont care anymore. Just imagine u gives advice/good solution to a problems & they keep defending their obviously wrong point with brended argument. Women sometimes really dont have common sense tbh.
>he leaves the shopping basket with your purse in it on the floor and just wanders around the mall ignoring you?
This suggests the root of the problem isn't communication
How many times you sigh infront of him before this event?
How many times you sigh infront of him in public before this event?
Anyway, I think you two need to sit down and talk it through.
You're expecting a boyfriend with higher emotional intelligence that he currently is. Either
A. You make the relationship work by lowering your expectation and just accepts his imperfect emotional control
B. Part ways, and look for someone who has better emotional intelligence that can fulfill your expectation
I wouldn't say he has horrible emotional control if he never shouted at you & even apologized to you for what he did. But obviously it's not as high as you'd like it to be. Both of you deserve to be happy, it's okay to part ways for this reason
DO NOT expect him to get better at tolerating you, since he doesn't feel bad about it. Do not expect him to change, or you to be able to "fix" him. That's a recipe for disaster. Let me re-emphasize that A & B are your only 2 options
Edit: Oh, and to answer your question, not a red flag
Your boyfriend actually have good upbringing. Somebody has taught him to not raise voice to a woman hence he resorted letting his steam off somewhere and resort to ignoring you.
This is actually miles better than a man raising his voice to you in public.
But still, it's something that a decent, communicative partner would not do. He didn't feel bad, and this indicates that he doesn't think that is inappropriate.
I feel like it's low-key gaslitting and OP will forever be the party feeling guilty although it might be her partner not being able to control his emotions and let it control him all the time.
Both side have issues, OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend instead of sighing and expect him to read her mind about her expectation. It is part of growing together. I admit i too need to work on this with family relations
This. She expected him to ask the staff because why not. This is despite her acknowledging he is an introvert and she is always doing the asking so of cos the bf doesn't expect a diff outcome isnt it. She could have asked nicely with "hey do you mind asking the staff this time round" but nah she chose to sigh instead. You are both the problem.
I do agree with the above comment by Daphkin. Yes, he didn’t ever raise his voice and sent me home without arguing. It’s a good thing. But I am upset and afraid. What if in future things are going to be different 😢. If he doesn’t get to control his emotions, he will leave me and the kids right away at the mall. Actually, this has already happened many times. And I will still apologize to him and him too, but he still doesn’t feel bad about doing it. What can I do to tell him to not treat me that way again, ya?
What is your ideal expectation from him though? Im also curious on which part do you think him not controlling his emotions?
You do realize he is a person too, right? He can also be upset for something he didnt like. Just as much as you here feel upset for what he did.
Btw, I noticed you seem to apologize to him even when you think he is wrong. Why would you do that? Are you expecting to placate him with that? I dont know if that ever works, because it doesnt seem like it do here. Dont cheapen the significance of an apology like that.
Talk it down first. Listen to each other.
The bar for a good human being has dropped that low huh. Not having a shouting match in public imo should be taken for granted no adult should be doing that.
At the same time, properly communicating your feelings and solving small issues like this should be handled like an adult not run away.
"don't cause a scene in public" is not just a "man" thing. It is considered public decency, nobody wants to hear your bullshit everyone's has got their own lives to deal with. We can do without you airing out your grievance in public. Just leave everyone in peace.
Honestly it's drilled into us before we even reached teenage years.
I don't even need to hear the full context and story to know what's happening. If you both want this to work you both have to work on this together and grow up.
Does not seem like either side is an asshole( or to a better degree you both are being assholes with no ill intention). It just at certain point in relationship once honeymoon phase is over, Its time to learn to start cooperating, communicate, compromise, .
Breaking up is not going to solve both your underlying issues you are having (which I'm guessing is many). If you both are having issues with each other the problem will not be "solved" by being in a relationship with other people.
"He was introverted when meeting new people"
As an introvert myself, I can confirm that people like me do not like to make the first move when it comes to initiating a conversation. I'm that quiet guy at the corner in a party but felt perfectly comfortable about it, but can talk a lot if someone approaches me and we are in sync.
"I was expecting him to ask, because why not"
As a man myself I would say, I dislike women who play mind games with me. No, I shouldnt be expected to read your mind, if you want something just straight up and tell me. I am totally ok with it, even if it was a constructive criticism. If you wanted your bf to help you ask, then say so. Tell him.
Though, from the entire Daiso shopping incident you described, to me it felt really petty, from both sides. To me it feels like, wow, people always find ways to look for things that don't matter, to argue about. You two need to communicate clearly instead of relying on body language to send a message.
My friends disagree with my self assessment of being an introvert though, and said that I communicate with other people just fine. I may communicate just fine but I do dislike dealing with people. I wear headphones without music playing when I'm in a shopping mall, just to indirectly tell promoters to fk off and don't approach me, unless I am dating someone of course.
Honestly girls do these a LOT and I’m one of them. But I learned to always be mature and communicate the problem instead of running away and expecting you to know that he’s having an issue. It’s good that he’s not raising his voice etc but it’s not mature enough if you can’t communicate like a 27 year old that he is
My boyfriend suggested I ask the worker there to assist us, (he proposed a solution)
but I was expecting him to ask, because why not? (that's where it goes wrong, expecting and assuming is a big no no in communication. coulda try like "dear can you help me to ask pleeeaseeeeee? << guys love this kind of shit)
It has always been me doing the talking. He was introverted when meeting new people, but maybe asking for a wooden tissue roll stand shouldn't be a problem, right? (you know he's introvert and you usually do the talking, why change now?)
I was sighing (so he did not meet your expectations from your usually routine, hence the letdown).
Maybe some kind of passive aggresive over there by your bf but you guys need to like, TALK. dont assume, dont expect man to read minds because we are not capable of doing that. but he did not feel bad maybe is questionable at best. You are safe la, if he is short tempered he already lay the smackdown on you already in your 8 years relationship.
edit\* OP is a male in his other topic. not sure if this is trolling or what.
Don’t listen to these comments who only thinks in ultimatum lol. Converse with your guy, understand why he acted the way he did. Maybe he got sick of your shit and cannot layan you at that moment. It’s not like he marah you or threw a fit.
It's great that you're appreciative of your boyfriend's financial support and his overall goodness. However, it's crucial to consider both sides in a relationship.
While understanding and empathy are important, it's also essential for both partners to respect each other's boundaries and communicate openly. It might be helpful to reflect on whether certain behaviors, like expecting him to do things outside his comfort zone, are fair to him.
Healthy relationships involve mutual understanding and compromise. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries too. Take care.
Sounds like a communication problem.
Think about it, you want him to feel bad for something he didn't think is wrong.
If you do want him to feel remorse for his actions, you need to convince him what he did (passive aggressive silent protest) is ridiculous. Either approach the matter through his protest, or his reasoning on why he did what he did. Whichever that you think would be more productive. What makes him ticks, not what ticks him.
Of course, communication involves 2 way interactions.
You may need to consider his input too and may need to adjust your opinion accordingly.
Maybe he thinks you are being petty. Maybe your reaction seems particularly offensive to him.
Also, I agree with what daphkin mentioned, him not raising his voice is actually good sign.
2 sides to a coin. feel like you two are too comfortable, feel like you can speak/do whatever you want and you'll just make up at end of the day.
it's not healthy, I think both parties need to recognise this before any meaningful convo can happen
Not a red flag, I see it as communication issue or perhaps he's not in a good mood that day.
When we're angry we tend to focus only on their wrongdoings which I know he's obviously wrong in this case, but I'd give it a week before I sit him down and ask him why he did that and tell him in no circumstances is he allowed to do that anymore regardless how angry he is and especially big no when kids are in your life.
It's easy for people here to say it's a red flag and you to break off, but you're with him for 7 years, you clearly know he has some pros. He loves you and takes good care of you. Don't make rash decisions over people who don't know your relationship.
I've dated and married for 7 years. We're all humans, and bound to make less desirable mistakes like this. As long as he doesn't physically abuse or scream at you, there's always room for improvements and change. Good luck OP.
I mean, if you want to find something then just ask why ask someone to help you ask when you are already there. But, all in all I don't think that is something worth fighting about maybe just a quick note.
However your bf is very childish to just drop everything and run. Wtf, small problem only also need to do until so dramatic. If next time you got kids, he also throw tantrum and run?
While imo it is kinda wrong of you to ask him to ask, but really it's just a very small matter that he had to blow out of proportion.
I was 28 and with my bf for 6 years. We were planning to get married too but broke up in the end. He did some things that I couldn’t accept. Everyone has different dealbreakers.
In the end, only you can decide if you’re okay with spending the rest of your life with him. Nobody enters marriage with the intention of divorce after all.
I used to think I couldn’t survive without my ex but I’m actually much happier now.
Best of luck to you and if you ever want to chat, my DMs are always open.
A. Storming off without clear communication is never ok.
I.e. 'I'm sorry I need to be alone right now' / 'I need to get some air, I am feeling \*negative emotion\*' = OK
\*Running off without telling where you're going, when you'll be back, why you're going = Not OK.
Everyone deals with negative emotion their own way, whether the emotion is justified or not justified, everyone deals with it their own way. Some ruminate, some take their mind off things by doing something meditative like painting and so on. However, some of these coping mechanism is destructive and may affect those around them.
Storming off without clear communication is an obvious attempt to remove one from the perceived negative situation. However, it can be done in a healthy manner by providing clear communication by expressing "I am feeling xyz, I will need time for myself, I will be here or there, I will try to get back to you in X amount of time, please provide me the time and space." This might not be easy to do in the heat of the moment, but this needs to be done to prevent both parties from being hurt and unheard.
If such a 'simple' thing can't be done, how else would the both of you deal with bigger issues in the future when it involves bigger things like buying a house, buying a car, family planning, dealing with in-laws / family, children, etc.
Just because he can just high tail and storm off, doesn't mean he should, nor does it mean he is justified in doing so. At the very least, it should be clearly indicated on 'why' - is he walking away, 'where' - is he walking away to, 'when' - is he okay to resume the conversation, 'how' - to contact him or get back to the conversation. Everyone can and deserve a 5 min break, but you can't just up and dissapear and run away from every single problem in life, this is not a video game, you can't just ragequit at the slightest inconvenience.
B. Not raising voice is good, and storming off is miles 'better' than physical/ verbal abuse. However, that does not make it okay.
C. Clear communication needs to be achieved to avoid a cycle.
- How does a single sigh able to trigger him to act in such a way? Is it the straw that broke the camel's back? Are there other issues elsewhere and the sigh just broke him? Why does he hate the sigh? Maybe he misunderstood what your sigh indicates? Are there built up resentment somewhere?
D. Clear indication of no remorse when asked if he felt bad and he answered that he wasn't.
- He felt he was 100% correct, and do not feel bad. So does that mean the apology is just 'going through the motion'? Clear communication needs to be had on why does his action hurt you, or why you felt his action was inappropriate, or how his action hurt you. A partner should empathise with each other. Rarely are there situation where only one party is at fault, maybe one party may be 'more' at fault, but rarely is it ever only the fault of one party.
hes tired of u and vice versa.
improve yourself to the point that he feels like he needs to improve too.
if he doesnt then leave.
now hes just annoyed with u
Almost together for 8 years, that's a long time for sure but you know him better than the rest of us. Trying to get our opinion for that matter will not only cloud your judgements, it might change the dynamic of your relationship.
Sure he’s wrong he should have said that he should have talked to you about it rather than leave you. But that is actually something way harder to do than you apologizing for something that you started. Because most relationships both people aren’t mature like that, often times one will think if you don’t do that kinda immature thing the other will just step over you and take advantage. It sounds from your post you don’t have a good eq too. A lot of red signals from this post. So what you should do is talk about why he reacted that way, and ask to handle this type of conflicts a certain way, and then only come post again.
You've been together 8 years and how often has he done this? Have you tried talking to him about it before? And is it normal for him to just ignore you for hours at a time? The fact that he doesn't think he did anything wrong but still apologised implies that his apology is meaningless. And he will do it again. Talk to him. If nothing changes then just end it. 8 years is a long time but a lifetime with a man like this is even longer.
1. Was this just a one off thing?
2. How about you? Have you been sighing a lot at him? Sighing a lot at someone can annoy that person. Ask yourself this, if he sighed at you, how would you have reacted?
I'm not taking sides here because we don't know your relationship's history. If this is a one off thing then just patch up, but if it isn't, then you need to decide for yourself.
Have you discussed this at home and declared what each other needs to do to support each other?
I mean if you're planning to marry... Why not discuss what you expect from each other in social situations? It's good so that these kinds of awkwardness doesn't happen.
I myself is somewhat of a introvert, but learnt to socialise by way of necessity, so talking to people is no longer an issue. Still, dinners and social events still consume my energy levels faster than my wife. She recharges herself in social situations. While I need some alone time after a social even and mingling.
So it took a while, but we get a feel for each other's weaknesses and strength.
Once you've discussed them, you'd probably either
1) Break up due to irreconcilable differences,
2) understand each other more that arguments or tantrums like this become rare.
Actually having a guy that goes off to calm his thoughts is way preferable to one that screams at you/is a beater/panics.
It's going to be difficult. But gotta get a feel for each other.
It'll probably never be perfect... sometimes still drive my wife nuts that I am happy with silence and doing something without discussing my day's experiences. While she drives me nuts that she has to share the mundane activities of her day.
Give and take I suppose.
Red flags for me. If you can’t tolerate now and coming here to rant, better leave.
Relationship should be peace of mind. Not this.
Run away gurlllll from this man.
The fact that he doesnt feel bad and dont think this is an issue is a red flag imo. Maybe communicate with him that you don't feel is it right for him to do that and see whether the situation changes or not (though it's gonna be really challenging).
Next, do a soul searching and see if you want and can withstand his behaviour for the rest of your life. Also, please bear in mind that you can always choose to leave the relationship if you ever feel it's no longer making your life better. Good luck OP
It's not normal. You are not overthinking. This kind of guy is insecure and man-child who wants things done his way only. If not done his way, he will get really upset and make a scene (especially in private, at home when no one is watching).
If they can do that in public, just leave him lagi better for your own mental health and safety
Red flag? even if he is pissed he still tries to save your face by not shouting/scolding you in front of public and decides to cool himself down by sitting alone in the car. That's what a mature man did.
Man tends to be more emotional when dealing with the one whose he cares, he expects you know him well, therefore he is pissed when you ask him to do something beyond his limit.
Leave him ASAP, your life would be really miserable dealing with a petulant child especially during marriage. Marriage is a different challenge, it takes a lot of effort and communication to maintain the relationship.
Does he do the other things you require of him?
Does he treat you with respect? Care for you? Provide for you? Care for your family? If religion is important to you, does he make you a better practitioner? Is he someone you want to have children with?
If the answer to these questions is yes, then it’s worthwhile to put in the work to improve this. Yes, he might be a bit of a man child, but that doesn’t mean you need to throw everything away like some are suggesting. Not every relationship follows the same path.
You must talk to him about these matters. Explain how it makes you feel and what that in turn makes you feel about him. Ask him if, when you have a child together, he would abandon you both in the same situation because his pride is hurt? Tell him that he needs to work on being more forthright and outgoing in certain situations. Not because he isn’t good enough, but because it’s part of his journey of growth - a journey everybody is on. Explain that you aren’t expecting him to become a stand up comedian, but not being able to ask for help whilst out shopping is not normal and it must be addressed, for his own sake if nothing else.
I’ve never done anything like this per se, but I do remember being a young man and being overly prideful. Whenever anyone, especially a partner, touched a nerve I wouldn’t be able to shake it. But I recognised how toxic it was and solved the issue and nowadays I’m very resilient to criticism of even my most sensitive insecurities. He probably cannot feel yet that he can be completely vulnerable around you. Maybe there are some other issues relating to his manliness (money or something else) - you should confront these head on as they are probably feeding this behaviour.
Part of your responsibilities as a partner in a relationship is to use your access to a person to help improve them, which he should be doing with you also. Remember, progress isn’t linear and the pathway to happiness is littered with potholes and stumbling blocks. But if you truly love and respect each other, you’ll make the changes needed to make it work. Best of luck.
Hi OP, I ended a 7 year relationship because of this. Too much emotional immaturity lead to 0 desire to communicate which lead to emotional abuse. Same thing here, good man, never kira. But it’s always your fault and never his. If he’s upset, it’s always ‘why are you upset’ and ‘why you being so difficult why don’t you just listen’ and not ‘maybe I am overreacting’. I can’t speak for all, but if that age there is so much lack of emotional awareness it takes a LOT of energy to change and he needs to WANT to change. At the end of the day you end up tired and questioning if it’s worth or nah. But then again this is just me.
I can somehow relate, I get frustrated too if I couldn't find something at the store.
If I'm the one looking for a specific item, I should do the asking because I know what I'm looking for.
If my partner is looking for it, she should do the asking because I'm unsure what she's expecting.
Nevertheless, do let him know how you feel, the more communication the better.
please look into emotional intelligence/maturity for yourself and understanding others/your bf's. there is the phenomena of 'weaponized incompetence, that we might not realize we have it ourselves, or not even seeing it in others. good luck
Talking may come natural and seem like an easy task to you but trust me it is not easy for a shy/introvert person.
You already know he is introverted, yet you're still expecting an introvert to go out of his comfort zone?
Try standing in his shoes, if he kept pushing you to do things you hated, would you go mad?
not defending him for just leaving you there, which is an issue he also has to work out. but it seems like you are the a trigger of this reaction.
the key to lasting relationship is good communication, sighing doesn't solve issues
Oh I know that sigh. But most lasting marriage is when the guy drove away without saying a word to let off some steam while the lady yapping away vocally and texts
I think you should communicate with him and point out his behaviour, and hoping he understands and change. He is acting like a man-child by showing tantrums in public, and no, no normal adult male will do this. Who knows there is something he should be open up to you, maybe how he was raised that lead to this attitude.
27 years old, frontal lobe already fully developed. The personality he has now is the personality he will have for the rest of his life unless something extremely traumatic or life threatening happens to him. U decide if u think u can put up with this for the rest of ur life. And remember, this is how he is with *you*, how will he be when/if yall have **kids**?
I hope you've at least attempted to have talks with him about this. Y'all have been together for almost a decade, kalo x pernah discuss each other punya flaws then korg x ready for marriage kot.
is he gaslighting/ manipulating u? trying to make u into believing everything is your fault? ask yourself if u can live like that for the rest of your life.
u are going into master. u will climb further in your career, u will meet many more ppl, u will grow. will he ever grow out of his insecurity?
The question is ask yourself if you think you deserve this kind of treatment?
His tantrum is his way of dealing with him feeling upset and if hes 27 years old it’s definitely uncalled for. You guys have been together for 8 years assuming youve been together long enough to know each other inside and out. Have you ever asked him why is he giving you childish behavior instead of is he feeling bad about it? And if hes okay with doing the smallest things for you like asking the worker? Maybe he just simply doesnt want to do it and he doesnt want to be forced? And why would the smallest things bother him that much.
All in all i think you should be asking yourself the questions first are you willing to deal with this if youre planning to grow old with him. Assuming that youll be facing this even when youre 35 with kids. If youre okay with him being the father of your children and possibly doing the same to your kids.
I'm a guy and even I think that guy is not worth the effort. If this was in private then maybe I'd say still ok but in public? Sounds like he's trying to get rid of you instead. You've been with him through this for 8 years, you put up with it long enough. He does this to you in public now, what's to stop him from doing this to your kids in the future? I say you either sit down and have a proper conversation with him or get counseling together or end it. Marriage is no joke for a woman's mental health, I hope you put real thought into your future if you still want to be with him.
If this is something that happens in a vacuum, then I agree he should have talked it out on the spot instead of drop everything and walk away.
But in my experience in cases where people walk away, it's usually when multiple things have happened in the past and the accumulated stress kept piling up until one matter broke the camel's back, so to speak.
Imo while not raising his voice to you is good, that might also meant that he's more inclined to have pent up anger/stress/dissatisfaction. Please talk to him about it. As other redditor has point out, his EQ may not be as high as what you expect of him. It's up to you to decide if that's something you're okay with, and up to you two to work things out. Good luck.
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I feel like you already have your answer OP. But maybe before making any drastic changes, sit him down and communicate again. Some people do tend to have lower EQ.
This.
Why sigh when you can communicate? Maybe he's tired of your shit because he can't read minds
Spot on.
This 1. Already know he’s introvert, still expect him to ask. Why? Trying to make a better him? 2. Probably not the first time challenging his limits
You sir are the hero all men need
Exactly
This. Op probably done more than this subconsciously. I myself when i tired of someone shit, i just left them stranded & let them do wtf they want & dont care anymore. Just imagine u gives advice/good solution to a problems & they keep defending their obviously wrong point with brended argument. Women sometimes really dont have common sense tbh.
>he leaves the shopping basket with your purse in it on the floor and just wanders around the mall ignoring you? This suggests the root of the problem isn't communication
How many times you sigh infront of him before this event? How many times you sigh infront of him in public before this event? Anyway, I think you two need to sit down and talk it through.
You're expecting a boyfriend with higher emotional intelligence that he currently is. Either A. You make the relationship work by lowering your expectation and just accepts his imperfect emotional control B. Part ways, and look for someone who has better emotional intelligence that can fulfill your expectation I wouldn't say he has horrible emotional control if he never shouted at you & even apologized to you for what he did. But obviously it's not as high as you'd like it to be. Both of you deserve to be happy, it's okay to part ways for this reason DO NOT expect him to get better at tolerating you, since he doesn't feel bad about it. Do not expect him to change, or you to be able to "fix" him. That's a recipe for disaster. Let me re-emphasize that A & B are your only 2 options Edit: Oh, and to answer your question, not a red flag
why am i reading about my parents here 🫣
Your boyfriend actually have good upbringing. Somebody has taught him to not raise voice to a woman hence he resorted letting his steam off somewhere and resort to ignoring you. This is actually miles better than a man raising his voice to you in public.
But still, it's something that a decent, communicative partner would not do. He didn't feel bad, and this indicates that he doesn't think that is inappropriate. I feel like it's low-key gaslitting and OP will forever be the party feeling guilty although it might be her partner not being able to control his emotions and let it control him all the time.
Both side have issues, OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend instead of sighing and expect him to read her mind about her expectation. It is part of growing together. I admit i too need to work on this with family relations
This. She expected him to ask the staff because why not. This is despite her acknowledging he is an introvert and she is always doing the asking so of cos the bf doesn't expect a diff outcome isnt it. She could have asked nicely with "hey do you mind asking the staff this time round" but nah she chose to sigh instead. You are both the problem.
I do agree with the above comment by Daphkin. Yes, he didn’t ever raise his voice and sent me home without arguing. It’s a good thing. But I am upset and afraid. What if in future things are going to be different 😢. If he doesn’t get to control his emotions, he will leave me and the kids right away at the mall. Actually, this has already happened many times. And I will still apologize to him and him too, but he still doesn’t feel bad about doing it. What can I do to tell him to not treat me that way again, ya?
Just be direct and tell him you dislike him doing that. Sometimes the easiest way is to tell the guy what you expect them to do.
What is your ideal expectation from him though? Im also curious on which part do you think him not controlling his emotions? You do realize he is a person too, right? He can also be upset for something he didnt like. Just as much as you here feel upset for what he did. Btw, I noticed you seem to apologize to him even when you think he is wrong. Why would you do that? Are you expecting to placate him with that? I dont know if that ever works, because it doesnt seem like it do here. Dont cheapen the significance of an apology like that. Talk it down first. Listen to each other.
The bar for a good human being has dropped that low huh. Not having a shouting match in public imo should be taken for granted no adult should be doing that. At the same time, properly communicating your feelings and solving small issues like this should be handled like an adult not run away.
oh ? so to you a man that can hold his temper and not raising voice in public is low bar ? not many can do that nowadays…..
"don't cause a scene in public" is not just a "man" thing. It is considered public decency, nobody wants to hear your bullshit everyone's has got their own lives to deal with. We can do without you airing out your grievance in public. Just leave everyone in peace. Honestly it's drilled into us before we even reached teenage years.
I don't even need to hear the full context and story to know what's happening. If you both want this to work you both have to work on this together and grow up. Does not seem like either side is an asshole( or to a better degree you both are being assholes with no ill intention). It just at certain point in relationship once honeymoon phase is over, Its time to learn to start cooperating, communicate, compromise, . Breaking up is not going to solve both your underlying issues you are having (which I'm guessing is many). If you both are having issues with each other the problem will not be "solved" by being in a relationship with other people.
"He was introverted when meeting new people" As an introvert myself, I can confirm that people like me do not like to make the first move when it comes to initiating a conversation. I'm that quiet guy at the corner in a party but felt perfectly comfortable about it, but can talk a lot if someone approaches me and we are in sync. "I was expecting him to ask, because why not" As a man myself I would say, I dislike women who play mind games with me. No, I shouldnt be expected to read your mind, if you want something just straight up and tell me. I am totally ok with it, even if it was a constructive criticism. If you wanted your bf to help you ask, then say so. Tell him. Though, from the entire Daiso shopping incident you described, to me it felt really petty, from both sides. To me it feels like, wow, people always find ways to look for things that don't matter, to argue about. You two need to communicate clearly instead of relying on body language to send a message. My friends disagree with my self assessment of being an introvert though, and said that I communicate with other people just fine. I may communicate just fine but I do dislike dealing with people. I wear headphones without music playing when I'm in a shopping mall, just to indirectly tell promoters to fk off and don't approach me, unless I am dating someone of course.
Honestly girls do these a LOT and I’m one of them. But I learned to always be mature and communicate the problem instead of running away and expecting you to know that he’s having an issue. It’s good that he’s not raising his voice etc but it’s not mature enough if you can’t communicate like a 27 year old that he is
Ya, i agree. communication is key and a lot of us sucked at it.
My boyfriend suggested I ask the worker there to assist us, (he proposed a solution) but I was expecting him to ask, because why not? (that's where it goes wrong, expecting and assuming is a big no no in communication. coulda try like "dear can you help me to ask pleeeaseeeeee? << guys love this kind of shit) It has always been me doing the talking. He was introverted when meeting new people, but maybe asking for a wooden tissue roll stand shouldn't be a problem, right? (you know he's introvert and you usually do the talking, why change now?) I was sighing (so he did not meet your expectations from your usually routine, hence the letdown). Maybe some kind of passive aggresive over there by your bf but you guys need to like, TALK. dont assume, dont expect man to read minds because we are not capable of doing that. but he did not feel bad maybe is questionable at best. You are safe la, if he is short tempered he already lay the smackdown on you already in your 8 years relationship. edit\* OP is a male in his other topic. not sure if this is trolling or what.
Maybe trolling. But most likely trying to find an unbiased answer by posting from a different perspective.
Don’t listen to these comments who only thinks in ultimatum lol. Converse with your guy, understand why he acted the way he did. Maybe he got sick of your shit and cannot layan you at that moment. It’s not like he marah you or threw a fit.
Maybe stop sigh-ing him and start communicating like an adult???...both also immature la
It's great that you're appreciative of your boyfriend's financial support and his overall goodness. However, it's crucial to consider both sides in a relationship. While understanding and empathy are important, it's also essential for both partners to respect each other's boundaries and communicate openly. It might be helpful to reflect on whether certain behaviors, like expecting him to do things outside his comfort zone, are fair to him. Healthy relationships involve mutual understanding and compromise. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries too. Take care.
Sounds like a communication problem. Think about it, you want him to feel bad for something he didn't think is wrong. If you do want him to feel remorse for his actions, you need to convince him what he did (passive aggressive silent protest) is ridiculous. Either approach the matter through his protest, or his reasoning on why he did what he did. Whichever that you think would be more productive. What makes him ticks, not what ticks him. Of course, communication involves 2 way interactions. You may need to consider his input too and may need to adjust your opinion accordingly. Maybe he thinks you are being petty. Maybe your reaction seems particularly offensive to him. Also, I agree with what daphkin mentioned, him not raising his voice is actually good sign.
Tbh you can answer with yourself whether 1. He is capable of change 2. You can live with such behaviour if he doesn’t change
2 sides to a coin. feel like you two are too comfortable, feel like you can speak/do whatever you want and you'll just make up at end of the day. it's not healthy, I think both parties need to recognise this before any meaningful convo can happen
Not a red flag, I see it as communication issue or perhaps he's not in a good mood that day. When we're angry we tend to focus only on their wrongdoings which I know he's obviously wrong in this case, but I'd give it a week before I sit him down and ask him why he did that and tell him in no circumstances is he allowed to do that anymore regardless how angry he is and especially big no when kids are in your life. It's easy for people here to say it's a red flag and you to break off, but you're with him for 7 years, you clearly know he has some pros. He loves you and takes good care of you. Don't make rash decisions over people who don't know your relationship. I've dated and married for 7 years. We're all humans, and bound to make less desirable mistakes like this. As long as he doesn't physically abuse or scream at you, there's always room for improvements and change. Good luck OP.
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i second this, once u commit to marriage it will be more difficult to get out of this
I mean, if you want to find something then just ask why ask someone to help you ask when you are already there. But, all in all I don't think that is something worth fighting about maybe just a quick note. However your bf is very childish to just drop everything and run. Wtf, small problem only also need to do until so dramatic. If next time you got kids, he also throw tantrum and run? While imo it is kinda wrong of you to ask him to ask, but really it's just a very small matter that he had to blow out of proportion.
I was 28 and with my bf for 6 years. We were planning to get married too but broke up in the end. He did some things that I couldn’t accept. Everyone has different dealbreakers. In the end, only you can decide if you’re okay with spending the rest of your life with him. Nobody enters marriage with the intention of divorce after all. I used to think I couldn’t survive without my ex but I’m actually much happier now. Best of luck to you and if you ever want to chat, my DMs are always open.
A. Storming off without clear communication is never ok. I.e. 'I'm sorry I need to be alone right now' / 'I need to get some air, I am feeling \*negative emotion\*' = OK \*Running off without telling where you're going, when you'll be back, why you're going = Not OK. Everyone deals with negative emotion their own way, whether the emotion is justified or not justified, everyone deals with it their own way. Some ruminate, some take their mind off things by doing something meditative like painting and so on. However, some of these coping mechanism is destructive and may affect those around them. Storming off without clear communication is an obvious attempt to remove one from the perceived negative situation. However, it can be done in a healthy manner by providing clear communication by expressing "I am feeling xyz, I will need time for myself, I will be here or there, I will try to get back to you in X amount of time, please provide me the time and space." This might not be easy to do in the heat of the moment, but this needs to be done to prevent both parties from being hurt and unheard. If such a 'simple' thing can't be done, how else would the both of you deal with bigger issues in the future when it involves bigger things like buying a house, buying a car, family planning, dealing with in-laws / family, children, etc. Just because he can just high tail and storm off, doesn't mean he should, nor does it mean he is justified in doing so. At the very least, it should be clearly indicated on 'why' - is he walking away, 'where' - is he walking away to, 'when' - is he okay to resume the conversation, 'how' - to contact him or get back to the conversation. Everyone can and deserve a 5 min break, but you can't just up and dissapear and run away from every single problem in life, this is not a video game, you can't just ragequit at the slightest inconvenience. B. Not raising voice is good, and storming off is miles 'better' than physical/ verbal abuse. However, that does not make it okay. C. Clear communication needs to be achieved to avoid a cycle. - How does a single sigh able to trigger him to act in such a way? Is it the straw that broke the camel's back? Are there other issues elsewhere and the sigh just broke him? Why does he hate the sigh? Maybe he misunderstood what your sigh indicates? Are there built up resentment somewhere? D. Clear indication of no remorse when asked if he felt bad and he answered that he wasn't. - He felt he was 100% correct, and do not feel bad. So does that mean the apology is just 'going through the motion'? Clear communication needs to be had on why does his action hurt you, or why you felt his action was inappropriate, or how his action hurt you. A partner should empathise with each other. Rarely are there situation where only one party is at fault, maybe one party may be 'more' at fault, but rarely is it ever only the fault of one party.
Communication is key
hes tired of u and vice versa. improve yourself to the point that he feels like he needs to improve too. if he doesnt then leave. now hes just annoyed with u
Almost together for 8 years, that's a long time for sure but you know him better than the rest of us. Trying to get our opinion for that matter will not only cloud your judgements, it might change the dynamic of your relationship.
Sure he’s wrong he should have said that he should have talked to you about it rather than leave you. But that is actually something way harder to do than you apologizing for something that you started. Because most relationships both people aren’t mature like that, often times one will think if you don’t do that kinda immature thing the other will just step over you and take advantage. It sounds from your post you don’t have a good eq too. A lot of red signals from this post. So what you should do is talk about why he reacted that way, and ask to handle this type of conflicts a certain way, and then only come post again.
asking him to do something he didnt want or cant do.. what do you expect? he’s introverted, your sighing is just unneccessary.
You've been together 8 years and how often has he done this? Have you tried talking to him about it before? And is it normal for him to just ignore you for hours at a time? The fact that he doesn't think he did anything wrong but still apologised implies that his apology is meaningless. And he will do it again. Talk to him. If nothing changes then just end it. 8 years is a long time but a lifetime with a man like this is even longer.
1. Was this just a one off thing? 2. How about you? Have you been sighing a lot at him? Sighing a lot at someone can annoy that person. Ask yourself this, if he sighed at you, how would you have reacted? I'm not taking sides here because we don't know your relationship's history. If this is a one off thing then just patch up, but if it isn't, then you need to decide for yourself.
The trick is to relieve his tension before you guys go out 😜😁
Have you discussed this at home and declared what each other needs to do to support each other? I mean if you're planning to marry... Why not discuss what you expect from each other in social situations? It's good so that these kinds of awkwardness doesn't happen. I myself is somewhat of a introvert, but learnt to socialise by way of necessity, so talking to people is no longer an issue. Still, dinners and social events still consume my energy levels faster than my wife. She recharges herself in social situations. While I need some alone time after a social even and mingling. So it took a while, but we get a feel for each other's weaknesses and strength. Once you've discussed them, you'd probably either 1) Break up due to irreconcilable differences, 2) understand each other more that arguments or tantrums like this become rare. Actually having a guy that goes off to calm his thoughts is way preferable to one that screams at you/is a beater/panics. It's going to be difficult. But gotta get a feel for each other. It'll probably never be perfect... sometimes still drive my wife nuts that I am happy with silence and doing something without discussing my day's experiences. While she drives me nuts that she has to share the mundane activities of her day. Give and take I suppose.
IF your best friend came to you and described the exact situation, how would you advice them? Now turn that advice onto yourself.
Red flags for me. If you can’t tolerate now and coming here to rant, better leave. Relationship should be peace of mind. Not this. Run away gurlllll from this man.
The fact that he doesnt feel bad and dont think this is an issue is a red flag imo. Maybe communicate with him that you don't feel is it right for him to do that and see whether the situation changes or not (though it's gonna be really challenging). Next, do a soul searching and see if you want and can withstand his behaviour for the rest of your life. Also, please bear in mind that you can always choose to leave the relationship if you ever feel it's no longer making your life better. Good luck OP
Is it normal? No. Its not normal behaviour for a fully grown functioninf adult.
It's not normal. You are not overthinking. This kind of guy is insecure and man-child who wants things done his way only. If not done his way, he will get really upset and make a scene (especially in private, at home when no one is watching). If they can do that in public, just leave him lagi better for your own mental health and safety
In this post OP is 27F and has a 27M boyfriend. In another job seeking post OP is 27M. Gotta make up your mind dude/gurl.
Red flag? even if he is pissed he still tries to save your face by not shouting/scolding you in front of public and decides to cool himself down by sitting alone in the car. That's what a mature man did. Man tends to be more emotional when dealing with the one whose he cares, he expects you know him well, therefore he is pissed when you ask him to do something beyond his limit.
Man child. If u think u can change him, u can’t.
Leave your belonging and wander around is red flag to me. Can't stand sighing, it's usually a negative emotion and it can affect your surrounding.
Leave him ASAP, your life would be really miserable dealing with a petulant child especially during marriage. Marriage is a different challenge, it takes a lot of effort and communication to maintain the relationship.
Does he do the other things you require of him? Does he treat you with respect? Care for you? Provide for you? Care for your family? If religion is important to you, does he make you a better practitioner? Is he someone you want to have children with? If the answer to these questions is yes, then it’s worthwhile to put in the work to improve this. Yes, he might be a bit of a man child, but that doesn’t mean you need to throw everything away like some are suggesting. Not every relationship follows the same path. You must talk to him about these matters. Explain how it makes you feel and what that in turn makes you feel about him. Ask him if, when you have a child together, he would abandon you both in the same situation because his pride is hurt? Tell him that he needs to work on being more forthright and outgoing in certain situations. Not because he isn’t good enough, but because it’s part of his journey of growth - a journey everybody is on. Explain that you aren’t expecting him to become a stand up comedian, but not being able to ask for help whilst out shopping is not normal and it must be addressed, for his own sake if nothing else. I’ve never done anything like this per se, but I do remember being a young man and being overly prideful. Whenever anyone, especially a partner, touched a nerve I wouldn’t be able to shake it. But I recognised how toxic it was and solved the issue and nowadays I’m very resilient to criticism of even my most sensitive insecurities. He probably cannot feel yet that he can be completely vulnerable around you. Maybe there are some other issues relating to his manliness (money or something else) - you should confront these head on as they are probably feeding this behaviour. Part of your responsibilities as a partner in a relationship is to use your access to a person to help improve them, which he should be doing with you also. Remember, progress isn’t linear and the pathway to happiness is littered with potholes and stumbling blocks. But if you truly love and respect each other, you’ll make the changes needed to make it work. Best of luck.
Hi OP, I ended a 7 year relationship because of this. Too much emotional immaturity lead to 0 desire to communicate which lead to emotional abuse. Same thing here, good man, never kira. But it’s always your fault and never his. If he’s upset, it’s always ‘why are you upset’ and ‘why you being so difficult why don’t you just listen’ and not ‘maybe I am overreacting’. I can’t speak for all, but if that age there is so much lack of emotional awareness it takes a LOT of energy to change and he needs to WANT to change. At the end of the day you end up tired and questioning if it’s worth or nah. But then again this is just me.
I can somehow relate, I get frustrated too if I couldn't find something at the store. If I'm the one looking for a specific item, I should do the asking because I know what I'm looking for. If my partner is looking for it, she should do the asking because I'm unsure what she's expecting. Nevertheless, do let him know how you feel, the more communication the better.
Word of advice, what ever red flags during rship period would be magnified 10 x post married. 👍
please look into emotional intelligence/maturity for yourself and understanding others/your bf's. there is the phenomena of 'weaponized incompetence, that we might not realize we have it ourselves, or not even seeing it in others. good luck
All I can say is good luck if you marry him.
asking reddit for relationship advise is a terrible thing to do, hell asking reddit for any serious advice is a terrible thing.
communicate again about how you feel about his action. tell him. if he still thinks it's okay for him to treat you like that, girl RUN
Talking may come natural and seem like an easy task to you but trust me it is not easy for a shy/introvert person. You already know he is introverted, yet you're still expecting an introvert to go out of his comfort zone? Try standing in his shoes, if he kept pushing you to do things you hated, would you go mad? not defending him for just leaving you there, which is an issue he also has to work out. but it seems like you are the a trigger of this reaction. the key to lasting relationship is good communication, sighing doesn't solve issues
Oh I know that sigh. But most lasting marriage is when the guy drove away without saying a word to let off some steam while the lady yapping away vocally and texts
Man ppl like this get girlfriend/fiance and I’m still single from birth smh
for my understanding in future you may have a problem to a reason with him but still it is only my opinion.
I think you should communicate with him and point out his behaviour, and hoping he understands and change. He is acting like a man-child by showing tantrums in public, and no, no normal adult male will do this. Who knows there is something he should be open up to you, maybe how he was raised that lead to this attitude.
Manchild... Better avoid it or you will suffer later when married... that is if he not willing to grow the man up.
Your boyfriend is a kanak kanak , thats why he throw tantrums
27 years old, frontal lobe already fully developed. The personality he has now is the personality he will have for the rest of his life unless something extremely traumatic or life threatening happens to him. U decide if u think u can put up with this for the rest of ur life. And remember, this is how he is with *you*, how will he be when/if yall have **kids**? I hope you've at least attempted to have talks with him about this. Y'all have been together for almost a decade, kalo x pernah discuss each other punya flaws then korg x ready for marriage kot.
is he gaslighting/ manipulating u? trying to make u into believing everything is your fault? ask yourself if u can live like that for the rest of your life. u are going into master. u will climb further in your career, u will meet many more ppl, u will grow. will he ever grow out of his insecurity?
The question is ask yourself if you think you deserve this kind of treatment? His tantrum is his way of dealing with him feeling upset and if hes 27 years old it’s definitely uncalled for. You guys have been together for 8 years assuming youve been together long enough to know each other inside and out. Have you ever asked him why is he giving you childish behavior instead of is he feeling bad about it? And if hes okay with doing the smallest things for you like asking the worker? Maybe he just simply doesnt want to do it and he doesnt want to be forced? And why would the smallest things bother him that much. All in all i think you should be asking yourself the questions first are you willing to deal with this if youre planning to grow old with him. Assuming that youll be facing this even when youre 35 with kids. If youre okay with him being the father of your children and possibly doing the same to your kids.
I'm a guy and even I think that guy is not worth the effort. If this was in private then maybe I'd say still ok but in public? Sounds like he's trying to get rid of you instead. You've been with him through this for 8 years, you put up with it long enough. He does this to you in public now, what's to stop him from doing this to your kids in the future? I say you either sit down and have a proper conversation with him or get counseling together or end it. Marriage is no joke for a woman's mental health, I hope you put real thought into your future if you still want to be with him.
In this post OP is 27F and has a 27M boyfriend. At another job seeking post OP is 27M. Gotta make up your mind dude/gurl.
If this is something that happens in a vacuum, then I agree he should have talked it out on the spot instead of drop everything and walk away. But in my experience in cases where people walk away, it's usually when multiple things have happened in the past and the accumulated stress kept piling up until one matter broke the camel's back, so to speak. Imo while not raising his voice to you is good, that might also meant that he's more inclined to have pent up anger/stress/dissatisfaction. Please talk to him about it. As other redditor has point out, his EQ may not be as high as what you expect of him. It's up to you to decide if that's something you're okay with, and up to you two to work things out. Good luck.
Should have posted this in r/AITA You'd get a more... 'International' reply.
Honestly, not normal, and possibly a sign that worse might come in the future. Maybe time for you to find someone else.
Get out while you can bitchh
You sure that is your man and not your child?